What do you say to someone who's grieving? There's been things in my life, and I know things that have happened in your life that when it happens, you don't know how to handle it. You don't know what to say. Something so sad, there's been a death, there's been that something happen that's tragic, it's devastating, and you want to be there with them, but you just don't have the words. You don't know if what you're gonna say is gonna make it bitter or is it gonna make it worse. That's this episode. This is the Jefferson Fisher podcast. If you're listening, I'm gonna ask it, wherever you're listening, find where it says subscribe, a heart, a like, and it's not a forever thing. It's telling the platform that you're listening to that this is good content. And my promise to you is to do that, to make you a better communicator. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. If you're like me and you enjoy a good night's rest, I'm gonna ask you to consider Cozy Earth. Their sheets are on my bed right now. They are probably the coolest thing I've ever slept on, and I really have trouble sleeping on anything else. If you're like me and you like comfortable, cozy beds and towels and sheets, which I never thought I'd be at that age to do that, but I certainly am now that I really care about it. You need to go to CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off as CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off. They offer a 100 night trial period, which you can't really get any better than that. If you like comfortable sleeps, you need to go check them out, CozyEarth.com. This episode's gonna be a little bit different because I wanna get right to the point. Here in my personal life, there's been a family who has recently lost their daughter and their daughter was eight. I can't imagine what that's like. I've had loss in my life. Loss of a child is very different to me. I can't even, I have a hard time grasping that thought. And maybe listening right now, you can either relate to loss in your own life or you know people close to you that they've recently had loss. And you're at a point where you go, I don't know what to say. How do I, should I text them? Should I call them? I want them to know that I'm thinking about them, but I don't want it to be surface level. I don't want it to be empty. I don't wanna just be like everybody else. And what happens, and it's natural, it's normal, that even people closest to you, when they're going through loss and grief, you just say nothing because you're afraid to say anything at all. Is it gonna hurt? Is it gonna help? Here's some things that I'm going to teach you about when you're communicating with people during periods of grief. And they're going through loss and grief. This is what I want you to do. Number one, I want you to remove the phrase, let me know if. If what you're going to say to them begins with, let me know if, stop or race it. I cannot be any more serious. Do not send it. If I'm gonna send you a text that says, hey, let me know if I can help. Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if there's anything I can do. You know what I've done? I've just relinquished all accountability, responsibility on myself. I've now put it all on you. Hey, let me know if you need any help. I've now given you a chore. That is, hey, on top of all the other things you have going on in the emotional turmoil that you're experiencing, now it's your responsibility to reach out to me should you need anything. So first, you have to now decide when you're gonna reach out to me. You now have to decide what kind of help that you need and you have to decide if it's gonna be helpful or not. It's giving you a chore, something else to do. Hey, if you need something, you call me. And here, my work here is done. I've now communicated with you. If you need anything, let me know. If there's anything that we can do, please tell me. Nobody's gonna take you up on that. It's a cop out. That's what it is. I know it's from a good place. Here's my disclaimer with that. I know it's from a good place. I know that you mean what? I know you're saying this to them because you don't know what else to say. I'm telling you, it's not kind. Scrap it. If it begins with let me know if, delete it. Instead, just do the thing you are thinking of doing. Send the help, be the help, show up. Know the yard, deliver the food, run the errand. Whatever it is, just do it. Without even asking. I promise you, that is much better. A much better sign of you being in it with them than just saying, let me know if I can help you at all. Let me know if you need anything. Go mow their yard. Go deliver food. Even if they don't eat it, it doesn't matter. It's the symbol of it. Even if that errand, you know what? That's one less thing you can take off their plate the better rather than you say, hey, let me know if you need any help, which just adds to their plate. Can you see the difference? I know that it comes from a good place. I want you to get in the habit of removing the let me know if. Let me know if you need anything. Scrap it. I cannot be any more serious. There's nothing worse than when you're in a time of grief, and despair, and loss, and suffering, when it's now your responsibility to reach out because they won't do it. They won't. How can they possibly do it? They don't know which way is up. I can tell you if right now I'm in the same position of some of our friends who just lost their daughter, I would be an absolute nutcase. And if I think about it, I'm gonna get really upset and I'm gonna be in a hard spot because you'd have to lock me up. I can't even imagine it. So scrap the let me know if from the question. Cool? Good. Number two, do not ask for details, especially when it's fresh. I know that you mean it from a good place. You wanna know all the details when you say, oh my gosh, what happened? Oh my goodness, what this? What happened? How did they pass away? What did they do this? Did they not know about this? And you're just peppering them with questions. Oh, did they not know this was coming? Did they know this was a pair? What's this? When you were just giving them a litany of a quiz, of a questionnaire, you see that in posts on Facebook, or Instagram, something happened and they all wanna know what happened. What this? This is, stop it. Stop it. If it's not, if you're not in the know, then there is a reason. And it's because it's too soon and you're not close enough to it. You will find out when you're supposed to find out. It is far kinder for you to say, detect them and say, no need to respond, period, thinking about you, period, or praying for you, or sending you my love, or sending a big hug. You hear that that's just, I'm not asking anything from you. To be able to, somebody told me, hey, no need to respond. I'm letting you know, I'm sending you all the love that I can. How you see how you're not adding to their plate? When you're peppering them with questions, you're adding to their plate. That's the worst thing you can do. Remove that from their plate. No need to respond, no need to text me back. You know what, they're gonna appreciate that because then they'll text you or call you, whatever it is, when you are supposed to know, when they're at a place mentally, that they can let you know. So don't be nosy, don't be trying to get all the facts. Definitely don't try to be playing the person of, well, didn't they know, or were they prepared, or did somebody not tell them? Or any of that stuff that's questioning it as if your question could have changed the outcome. Right, that only makes it worse. I know it comes from a good place, don't do it. Before we keep going, I wanna take a second to tell you about element. Now one of the first things that I do in the morning before I go for my coffee is I drink a glass of water. Everybody knows you need to be hydrated, but what I put in that water is even more important. Element is nothing more than some sodium, potassium, magnesium, all in the right balance, and it gives me a lot of electrolytes that I put in my water, and it makes me feel great. It helps me feel ready for my day. They have tons of flavors. My favorite is lemon salt. It's like lemonade, of course, it's gonna be on the saltier side, because you need salt, that needs to be part of your diet. Now my kids steal these little packets everywhere, which is cool because I know they needed to, especially running around here in the summer. If you like me and you want to make sure that you're hydrated, whenever you're working out, busy schedule, I want you to go to drinklmnt.com slash Jefferson, and you will get a free sample pack of all their flavors. If you don't like it, they'll refund you. No questions asked, go to drinklmnt.com slash Jefferson. Number three, one of the biggest parts of this, and I know it's not gonna feel normal, is you cannot turn to positivity, not out of the gate. I'm not gonna say it's toxic positivity, I'm just saying any positivity, when it sounds like, well, at least they're in a better place, or well, all things, just things happen for a reason, or I know that they're, at least they're not hurting anymore. Things that you mean it well, but to the other person, it is nails on a chalkboard, when you say, well, at least they're in a better place. No, they're not, I want the better places with me, right here, don't say that they need to be somewhere else. That's not something for you to say. That's not something for you to say. Sometimes when you mean it so well, because you wanna be uplifting, you wanna be positive, that's not the time. There's a time to be positive and a time not to be, and when people are experiencing severe grief and depression, and they don't know what to do, and they don't wanna live, and they just wanna go crawl in a dark hole, that is not the time for you to start spraying sunshine. I'm not saying there's never a place for it, now is not the time, timing is a big component, of this, cool? Positivity is something that we always have to have it. You know this, if you're listening still right now, you listen to my podcast and you know, positivity is something that we always are about. The timing is a big component of that, instead of spitting positivity, all right, I want you to agree with their pain. When somebody's going through grief, rather than spinning positive statements, like well at least they're in a better place, scrap that and agree with their pain. That sounds like this is terrible, I agree, this isn't right, nobody should have to go through this. Agree with their pain, that is, that again is much kinder, because before when you're giving positive statements, you're almost forcing them to try and have a positive outlook, that's not going to happen, especially not then. You're only going to get anger from them. Anger is very much tied to grief. And that's a process that takes a very long time, that any statements of positivity are not going to force, that's not going to do it for them, it's only going to make it worse. But when you agree with their pain, absolutely you can apologize for it. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Apologizing, nothing wrong with that, that's, you're sympathizing with them, you're sympathizing. You're empathizing, that's fine. Nobody should have to go through this, it's not fair. This is devastating, this is horrible, I hate it. Things that you just, when I say agree with their pain, think in your mind how it must feel, and that's very hard. What they're going to be thinking, nobody should have to go through this, this is more than I can bear, this is unbearable. That's the kind of stuff that you need to say, agree with their pain, do not fight it, do not try to get them into a happy mindset, it is not the time. It's not the time. So when somebody's going through grief, here's what I want you to do, one, get rid of, let me know if, instead, just do it, do the thing. And here's a big part of this, if you're not in a position to do it, don't pretend that you are. I say that very kindly, and I say that very earnestly. If you're not in a position to do the thing, don't pretend that you are. They don't send the text, let me know if I can help, when you're really not in a position to help. You live states away, you're not in a position to help. If you weren't, you'd already be there. So continue to be genuine with what you say. I know it comes from a good place, but you can come across disingenuous, just scrap that, two, don't ask for all the details. Not then, you'll find them out when you're supposed to find them out. Just give that time process. I know it's the unknown, it's anxiety, if you want to get that information, now's not the time, be there with that other person. No need to respond, just letting you know I'm thinking about you. And three, go back to this part of the inside of realizing there's time for positivity, and there's time for not positivity. And when somebody's going through grief, and they're grieving, because it is a process that is not the time to try to be positive. That's not the time to be positive. Whenever you say, let me know if there's anything I can do. Yeah, you can give my loved one back to me. That's what you can do, you can't do that. That's what that mind state is. All right, so I want you to go hug somebody. Hug a stranger, I don't care. Go hug your little ones, your loved ones, because we're all going through a lot of hurt, in a lot of different ways. Cool? All right, as always, you can try that, and follow me.
