Shitting Gold w/ David Cross | Your Mom's House Ep. 856

Your mother is doing stand-up. And I've just added Brea, California, June 5th and 6th. Get your tickets at ChristinaP.com. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. We're gonna talk about some hard-hitting real stuff this week. Get ready, there's a crisis happening in the world and we're the place to figure out how to resolve it. That's right, Tim. That's right. So, there's a lot of serious issues that we're gonna get into on this show. Couple things to just let you know. The end, Ari Shafir's storytelling show is out. It's at ymhstudios.com right now. We produced it. It's an epic, I believe, is it six, seven part? How many parts is it? Seven. Seven episodes, crazy lineup. Shane Gillis, Nate Bargazzi, Tony Hinchcliffe, Miss Pat, Krista Stefano, Ali Sadiq, Jordan Jensen and so on and so on. I'm in one of the episodes. It's a lot of fun and we put a lot into it and it came out amazing. So, please check it out. If you have not, it's at ymhstudios.com. Also, Gene over here is on the road. I'm roaddoggin'. I just did mothership this weekend and thank you to everybody who came out. The shows were extraordinary and it was so much fun and I'm going to keep it going. My first tour doing an hour in a while. That's a pretty exciting thing. I know and it's so good. I haven't done stand-up in like two years because of that whole like. Invisalign, I remember. But now you're talking about. Talking about Invisalign and how hard it was for you to go through that. April 24th and 25th, Irving, Texas at the punchline and then comedy works. Yes, it does. Comedy and prayer May 14th and 16th in Denver. September 18th and 19th at the Dent Theater in Chicago, Illinois also. Illinois. It's Illinois, plural. Also, buy your mother some lip shits for Mother's Day. It's coming upon us. Order it now right now in time for the holidays. Get all of it as a bundle. Get the liquid lipstick, get the perfect red. All at christinape.com. Exciting stuff. Can I tell you what I've been doing? Yeah. When I'm getting ready for YMH, I go live on the TikToks. So if you want to find me on, I'm the Christina P, right? I don't know what the fuck I am on TikTok. And you can watch me put my makeup on and I listen to really cool tunes and I talk to you and I tell you stuff. It's just Christina P. Oh, it's Christina P. It's the Christina P on Instagrams. Right. My favorite thing is that we share an agent who is kind of a musical savant. Yes. The guy, he can play piano. He can just hear something and play it. He has this crazy, like almost like encyclopedic knowledge of music and history and stories. And anytime your preference has come up, he's like, I don't know what's going on there, man. He hates it. He hates my music. He hates Bauhaus. What is this? It's so funny. He hates goth music. Well, I have to tell you, the most fun I had this weekend was at Comedy Mothership, which as we all know is owned by the great Joe Rogan. And it's usually the energy is very Joe Rogan, kettle bells, male driven, God bless and love him. Well, this guy took over last weekend. Yeah, you did. And I don't think Joe would have liked what I did because I played the gayest, gothiest music. You played your music. Yeah. Yeah, not the, yours. Yeah, I played this. Things that I've been hearing through a shut closet door for years now. I'm like, what is this? Who's dead in there? Yeah. And then, yeah, that was your load in music, right? It was so much fun. And yeah, and then we were talking about feelings in the green room, which I don't think has ever happened. Probably not as much. How are you feeling? Dude's were crying in the green room. We're just talking about life. Yeah. Listen to the smiths. Look at you. Look at you. Look at you. Your baby gorilla. Your goth lady. I'm a goth. Can I tell you something? Dice hung out with me at the club a few months ago and he goes, I like what you're wearing. I like that skirt. You got to keep wearing. What is that? What is that? Tool? I'm like, yeah. He's the man. I figure if Dice tells you it's a good outfit. No, it's cool. He's an iconic outfit guy. The most iconic. Yeah. It's so much fun. The crowds are great. I made a trans friend in the front row. That's unique. We're going to have coffee and she's going to tell me about how she became from a man to a lady. That's interesting. I know. I'm so curious because she's like a hot one. She's not like a. Not the one where you're like, you need a consultant. Yeah. Not like last week. That's one of the things on the talk sometimes where you just see like a guy, a guy in just heels and a dress. And he's just like, I feel strong. I feel good today. And you're like, whew. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. And then people are like, you look beautiful. Thank you. No, no. It's yeah. It's like a dude, dude, like you in heels and a tight pencil skirt. There's that guy. I mean, I'm just shaking my head at the fact that I don't know how somebody who has not worn heels can wear heels. It's so hard. I don't understand. I can barely. And I, I'm 50 and I can't, I still can't walk in them. It's so hard. Yeah. It's crazy. Can you try? I've stood in them before. It really was awful. Really? Yeah. I mean, like, you know, that kind of thing where you go, let me try this on. And you're like, holy shit. How does anyone take two steps in this? I don't get it. Yeah. Did you know that in like the 1700s, 1800s in France that men wore heels? Yeah. But that was like a, not like the heels that a woman wears today. Those were like thicker, right? Like wider heels. A kitten heels. They're kitten heels. Yeah. Not these stiletto things. Not the horror stripper heels. No. The, a podiatrist in LA told me, he was like, oh yeah, like a huge part of my business are women who refuse to stop wearing these. Yeah. And just keep damaging their nerves and their feet are just completely destroyed. But they do look so good. They look good. Of course. They look amazing. They look good. And they make, they elongate the leg and everything. Beautiful. They wear heels everywhere. Everywhere. It's because she was only five foot five maybe and she felt short. So a lot of times short bras wear the heels. Well, kinds of bras wear heels. So it's not just short bras. Short bras, wide bras, tall bras. They just want to feel like a broad. Cause I guess it doesn't make you feel like a lady. You feel like a broad. Yeah. And my mother would wear those heels to grocery store, to everywhere. She never, never not heels. That's a, that's a commitment. And lipstick, red lipsticks like me. That's a real commitment. I know I should get into it. I got to, but you know what happened? I got that planters fat shoulditis in my right foot. Heels not good for that. Nope. I don't think your doc would say put some heels on. It'll go right away. No, it's terrible. You got to wear like ortho shoes. That's why it looks terrible. Now I wear the ugliest fucking shoes. They do look awful. Awful. But it's like, what are you going to prioritize? Looking a certain way or like healing yourself. Pain. Yeah. Planners fat shoulditis. All right. You ready to start the show? I got a cool clip. Stop teasing me with those eyes. I ain't pussy like I'm star. I pull her slap ass and I will fuck you like I own you. What's going on today? Don't make me show you why good girls buy pillows and can't walk straight. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. He's oily too. He's oiled up. Welcome to your mom's house. And the smile doesn't match. No. The message. Welcome to your mom's house. Ugh. I hate this so much. Don't you hate it? I hate it. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Feel it in your heart. Let it resonate in you into space. Can you go to his page to remind people that he also does uplifting messages? Because that's really how he built his following was this. One day you'll look back and realize. I wasn't the one who got away. I was the one who tried the one who stayed the one who cared when you did and That's the part that hurts the most You didn't lose me you lost a version of me. You will never get again That's a sweet message, but he also does like if you go to his page He also just does things about like scroll down scroll scroll some more I like when he's like well dressed. He's so look his legs are oily to bodies like God before God elevates Before God elevates you he will do three things in your life one He will reveal those around you showing you who is truly for you and who is not he's reading it He's that he reads all of them. He always read the horny ones. I think some of them he reads But the point is that like that is how people were like. Oh, this is a nice This is a nice message, you know, and then He's like watching that you're watching that and you're like this I go to this guy's page He's like here's some words of wisdom and then just one day you're scrolling and it's like I had a trim breath morning between every sound she couldn't hold back So he's really close and whispered. He's reading like erotic passages. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like his shit nailed to his walls But it's all those nipples and shers and stuff. It's also such Hate it a crazy pivot. I know what God will provide the things that you need in this life And then he's like I will beat the pussy up Fuck you bite the pillow. All right now. Tell you that story. I Got a phone call one day. I Wanted to make this thing it's a way for other comics to show themselves. Oh, that's right You're not hosting your own show they did him dirty are you forgot a way to put it up somewhere else? It's not about bringing it back all the time. I need your and Tom's help Crazy night we're gonna have here shit's about to go down We're gonna talk Paul story telling show it's on true true stories words or word would happen my favorite We tell the story my story is a love story. It's about my first three Bad first date about ball football got arrested Shitting your pants. What the fuck? That's my story Shucks I The all-time best story to tell on this show Listen at Monnies because wayday is happening at Wayfair from April 25th through the 27th. This is not a regular sale I'm talking up to 80% off with free shipping on everything from furniture and decor to home improvement and outdoor essentials It's all on sale and it ships for free What I love about Wayfair is how easy it is to filter by style color and material Which saves me from spending hours sifting through beige farmhouse or cottage core shit And they even have assembly services So instead of building furniture on a Saturday, I can do what I love most hang with my kids and feed squirrels by Hand that's right wayfair makes everything so easy. You can find anything you want anything at all in your house I'm talking benches Vazes furniture all of that stuff. I get that wayday is the sale to shop the best deals in home We're talking up to 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything You know what I've gotten on Wayfair? I bought not one two outdoor wooden benches for my front yard I sit on them every day every night. I go out there my kids jump on a trampoline and I sit on my Wayfair wooden bench It is extraordinary head to Wayfair comm April 25th through 27th to shop wayday That's wa y f a i r comm Wayfair every style every home. What is this like the minister? That's That's anti-gay and then yeah like in real life Yeah, okay, like is he trying to offset his horniness by doing that? I think it's my thing is like every dude's got an angle right and I think he was building a following with this like Uplifting messages to inspire your soul like he has written there and then he was like yeah, but that's not really What I know I really am this guy and I want to see who will interact with me if I put this guy out there So not only am I gonna say wild shit? I'm gonna get But naked and oil myself the oil is a real and the legs are oiled I mean he's oiled everywhere and then to be like At the end crazy Craziest part is that in this video he's like teasing me with those eyes I eat pussy and tell you that every and you're like yeah got it. That's cool And then I don't see the the scrolling part here, but at the very end. He's just like yeah, I know the little rascal smile What's his name alfalfa yeah, yeah, he's like I didn't do anything yeah But I have to stop teasing me with those eyes. I eat pussy like I'm starving. I pull her There's somebody by the way who's only seen uplifting messages from him. Yeah, this is the first time they're seeing something else and they're like wait Is this the same account? It's so dry What don't make me show you why good girls buy pillows and can't walk straight The smile It really seals it smiles incredible I gotta I and I know that there are women that are like that's my jam Yeah, like what kind of woman is like that's my jam because to me it's repulsive. I can't even My badge can't get dry enough when I hear someone talk like that It's just not for you say are you saying? The gentleman in particular the messaging or what what's the part? I don't like the I like there to be some pretense of Gentlemanliness and then if I like the gentleman maybe yeah, yeah, yeah This is like I'm gonna eat you put it's like it's like dudes gay dudes talk to each other that way Yes, well, that's the thing is that some I don't know. It's like maybe the guy has never Had success with the other route, so maybe that's the thing raise always blatant any any this guy That's like stop teasing me with those eyes I want to lick your pussy and smash your your butthole and spread it open and da da da Who is this working for what type of gal? nasty bitches what you mean I Mean you think I'm gonna get some Some bitch that likes this for sure Yeah, I mean he's right. He's confident. I believe his ass. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I believe him So just nasty bitch. Yeah, just just a nasty bitch. He gets those nasty nasty bitches Yeah, it's it's you're right because what girl's gonna be like what's up? I love that message I Because I think most I can't speak for women But I think most want some version of what you're talking about where they're like I like this person therefore When they talk to me like that it's a thing but like for some random to be like I Fuck eat pussy like I'm starving. It's like I don't think most women would be like Because women can get laid Yeah, any time all times or times I can get laid I don't need to have it advertised like that. Right. I mean, yeah, of course, you know what? I personally think what would actually happen. I bet he was really you know, he was on the path of God, right? He was he was trying to tell you the good word. He was trying to give you the psychological You know information or whatever and then it got to a girl and she liked it And she just happened to be a really nasty bitch And she gave him the craziest sloppy top Batman's ever fucking receive and then all the things she told him to do He's like oh, so that's what girls like. Mmm, and then he lost her and then he's thinking I'ma get one like that By just doing this shit again. That's so it was really that bitch's fault. It's all about her fault Yeah, and he knows the minds of the creep he knows exactly He knows he knows no, it's because you grew up around creeps. It's not that you're the creep But if you if you grab a creep, you know creep I do think there's something to that when you when you go This is my public persona. It's one thing if you're like this. I'm in private when you go. This is my public persona. He's trying to Find the thing that that he once had. Yeah, I think that makes sense. You know, he once had that or it could be that like he was super godly and then Didn't find the like the tight he's you know, she's like I'm not like that. I'm not nasty He's like well, that's what I want. I want a nasty ass bitch. So I'll put out some nasty ass messes you know like Yeah, so he is a dichotomy. He's a god-fearing man that wants a nasty bitch and he literally goes back and forth between the Lord Will provide for you and then he's like when the asshole spread open I will dig in there Yeah Yeah, he's both he's both he wants we are complex individuals, you know But I get it like you do want somebody that's got moral Christian values, but then you know, yeah, not someone That's a square and maybe that's he goes. I don't do a gray area He's like it's very black and white for me. He goes to both now Enough of that. Let's just get something a little more sensible going Yeah another one I Went against what I said I was gonna Stand by accepted a new friggin crazy bitch She wanted to go to a Wanted to go to play store and get some other Google chat. I said we're doing fine right here And she said well, are you married? Do you have kids? I said Look, I have a daughter and two sons I've never met our NGO I was in jail when they were born Oh, yeah, she messes back about three minutes and responded. Oh, that's nice. I said you skis. That's why I fucking Don't I don't trust you bitches on the internet. God damn man She was she's gonna try and bag borrowers steal money out of me and actually they can fuck a fly I told her you know what I've been around the block more than once. Hell. I own the damn block. Yeah Don't trust anyone on the freaking internet my god, I got it Well, there's a thing that he he doesn't realize he wasn't talking to a woman Based on his story He was talking to a foreign man or a bot and that's why the response was that's nice It's not an actual woman that he was talking to but he's not aware of that. That's pretty cool He was I was in jail. That's nice And he's like fucking you trying to try to pull one over on me bitch. Yeah, that's not what actually happened Anyway, he's um, that's our guitar guy. You know, I remember but I remember he moved the amp last week That was a big deal. Yeah, he was like, we're gonna put this thing Yes, and then he found a new place for the amp I was hoping to get an update on that on the equipment and what is it still behind the couch? Did you put it somewhere else? Now I'm gonna live like a hobo that's kind of funny. Yeah, I like there's that amp there's a table Well, he moved it. It's you keep it's the saga that never ends and then on the next post I believe that's a receipt. Is that a receipt? I mean next post there. Yeah No, those are the phone numbers of friends. I haven't quite written yet An old stuff from different bands and different places and different times Nice One of my old singers Trent. This is number. It's just for no area code though song was from different bands I've been in that's cool. Mm-hmm things. I need to revisit I went and that's cool What is he using as a curtain? Go back one more of the amps. Let's look at I'm gonna have quite rich What is he using as a curtain? Oh, is that a burlap sack? I don't know what that is What could that be? It's there's some of the light is out, right? About a quarter of the light that would enter is out of the room. Can you zoom in on that? Can you see what that is world is he doing? Good. I Christine. Thanks Maybe it's a blanket. Oh, it's a it's a blanket with tassels I think it might just be like window insulation type of stuff Here's insulation and that might just be more like I wonder if it's okay to breathe in That's interesting that is interesting course it is yeah, well that fan looks clean too Yeah, he doesn't need to switch out the air the poor guy filter on that You know p803321 gmail.com You Well, I'm interested to see where this amp ends up and It's good to see you again and don't trust those internet hoes man. No. Yeah, don't trust them for sure I'm surprised that he's disappointed in that online love. There's kind of something for this show in the far right What's that? Well, look at that look at that text over there hit that Can you read that I was just informed my new achievement another achievement on one of my reels looking for the retarded zombie, huh? There's the retarded zombie. I don't know It's all good stuff. All right, so Something to cleanse the palette Oh Sound of healing That can't be good for you it can't be Like I know I'm not a doctor, but that cannot be to your benefit to hammer something Yeah, but babe your neck or your tail bone this guy's getting new clients So people are like, you know what you need to do go good. Go see this guy. He's going to hammer you. Yeah, must be back hurts go see guys Chill chill chill, bro That's just trauma it's just trauma that's trauma on your tailbone, okay, but you're not thinking about the positive Right up the vertebrae there of the lower back your lumbars are all fucked up now feel good Holy shit, maybe he's breaking apart The fascia he's breaking things apart and then they have to read maybe growing collagen. I don't fuck I don't think that's what's happening This is terrible. I don't think that's what's happening. Oh my god. Oh No, no, no, no, no this fashio. Oh Fucking don't don't Oh He's not moving. Tom do his... Relief sweet relief. That is total relief yeah. It's healing sounds. You all better now? You good? I mean that guy's... First of all I don't know if he's okay after that. He's staring at... He's like... He does not know what just happened to him. Good Lord. He's so scared. He's so scared. I just saw a post on Instagram about this poor man that had the neck adjustment done by a chiropractor and was paralyzed of course and he won how many millions of dollars. Cool. It's like God damn it. Thanks for the check. Totally worth it. I don't know who signs up for the neck shit. You must be in some type of way if you're going to sign up for that. I've done it. Remember that crazy chiropractor in LA? Do I remember? Yeah. I don't know how to do it. Out of his fucking mind. I know now looking back we shouldn't have let him do that. Look how fast my hands are. That's what he would do. He'd go look how fast I am. Look at that shit. I'm like okay. You see how fucking fast I move? I go yeah I can see that. It's crazy how fast you are. He's so crazy. Why are we going to him? I think did I have back pain after having babies or something? You went first and I went after you and then I remember one time he was... He sat me down and he was telling me all about his training. He was like yeah a lot of people talk shit about chiropractors. We're fucking nothing. I'm like okay. He told me about what he does and then I remember one time he was going to do a back adjustment. To do the back adjustment I don't know the terminology but they put some type of cream and they kind of prep the area. He's doing thumb and scraping and I go I'm just face down. I just go this feels amazing where you're massaging. He goes I'm not massaging you. I was like okay whatever you're doing feels great. He told me the proper term for what he's doing to prep the area for the adjustment. I was like got it. He was like I'm not a fucking massage therapist. I'm fucking fast I am. He had a dog that was really old and smelly remember and it would breathe next to you and you're like dude. Yeah. Yeah dude was. But he was really good at it. Yeah. Yeah. Better than this guy. Let me tell you about Lucy for a second. I've been using Nicotine Pouches for a while but what got me to go all in on Lucy is the breakers. Each pouch has a hydrating capsule inside that bursts open and releases extra long lasting flavor. Lucy's pouches go up to 12 milligrams is strength. You can go as strong or as weak as you want it. You can find Lucy in stores nationwide and search for retailers near you by going to Lucy.co slash stores or get Lucy delivered to you ASAP on apps like DoorDash and GoPuff. Lucy's the only pouch that gives you long lasting on demand flavor. Get 20% off your first order when you buy online at Lucy.co with the promo code YMH. And if you don't want to wait check out their store locator to find Lucy near you and grab it today. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. There's a lot of noise out there when it comes to hair loss from the 10 in 1 shampoo, expensive clinic visits and random advice online. It can be difficult to find what actually works for you. Hymns makes it simple to take control of your hair regrowth and regain your confidence with personalized care. With Dr. Truss and ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil can stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. Hymns brings expert care straight to you with 100% online access to personalized treatment plans that put your goals first. For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss and more, visit hymns.com slash ymh. That's hymns.com slash ymh for your free online visit. Hymns.com slash ymh. Future products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral, minoxidil and finasteride. You see that quadriplegic who's been charged with murder? No, let's see. Yeah, so they charge this guy with murder and everyone's like, he doesn't have hands. And then there's a video out of him doing a headstand, doing a line of coke upside down and then he grabs a gun and shoots it out the window. And there's all kinds of footage of him using guns. It's really crazy. What? This is the guy here. He's a cornhole player, like a championship cornhole player. I hate that word. But here's a. He's doing coke for him. Right. Dang. Hey, that was perfect. It's good. I don't even fucking eat. What the fuck? Some people are like, how can this guy shoot somebody? You're like, well, here you go. Yeah. I mean. I also think we should honestly maybe put him in a special category of like, that's an amazing crime. Yeah, I agree. You know, like maybe not. Hey, how can we punish this guy? But how can we learn from this guy? How can we learn from him? How can we showcase these talents? Why is he just shooting out the window at a time? Because he's on coke and he's like, fuck everybody out there. He lives in a city or I hope he lives somewhere in rural North Carolina. I don't know. There's a bong there too. That's pretty cool. Yeah, but don't you think it's stupid to assume that like, handicap people can't, that's a workaround. That's what they do. You learn to work with what you got. You're 100% right. You know, that's so, gosh, I wonder what else he can do. But that's what I'm saying. This guy's attitude is what I'm impressed with. I mean, yeah, he killed somebody. Okay, that's bad. But aren't we going to talk about how great of an attitude he has? How did he kill them? So who did he kill and why? It's like when people go like, BTK was a terrible serial killer. He was also an incredible city controller. I know. Like he knew how to run things in that city. I know. What happened? In March 20th, 26th, he was involved in a shooting inside a car. Police say he shot and killed his friend, Bradrick Wells, during an argument while driving. He can drive too? I fucking wouldn't be surprised. Jesus. So he was in the garage after the shooting. He drove away with the victim still in the vehicle and the body was later found nearby. The grand jury indicted him on first degree murder charges and additional charges, including firearm use in the final vehicle, reckless endangerment, gun possession. He could be held without bail. He's being held without bail. Confess life in prison if convicted. His lawyers are saying it was self-defense. Yeah. Pretty wild. Yeah, there's a footage of him hunting, like going up into tree stand. So cool. Can we see that? I'd like to see how he moves. Yeah. Now I'm more curious about what he can do. Yeah, it's pretty amazing, man. He sounds like he's got a little bit of a temper. I would say. Yeah. Something tells me. Bit of a short fuse. What could you be fighting about? Shooting, because it's just, it's really nuts to see him handle a firearm and you're like, yeah, that's great. He's been doing an argument while driving and he shot his friend during an argument. I don't know. Like here he is. Wow. Yeah. Let's see. Everyone's like, how could this guy do it? And that's so weird that he's into cornhole. Look, all dumbspits. What does that mean? Well, look at some of the videos on your screen right now. These are videos that he posted to his personal YouTube channel, which obviously show him loading and firing several shots from a handgun as you see there. Whoever was charged with first and second degree murder as for next steps in this case, he is waiting to get back. Definitely. And it's such a funny dichotomy. He's like, I'm into killing people and cornhole. Yeah, I know. It's sort of like David, who's like, the Lord will bless you and I want to eat your ass. What a weird set of hobbies. Or complex individuals. Jesus Christ. And by the way, cornhole is the most boring fucking thing on the planet too. But the skills for a handless person to do that. That's amazing. I mean, it's all about like, you know, little movements that you do. That's, I don't know. I'm a talented guy. He's a talented guy. Yeah. But he's in jail now, right? He's like, he's in prison. Yeah. I mean, look at this guy. He goes hunting. Isn't that photo? I saw footage of him going up into tree stand. He's a wild kid though. Yeah. That's cool to put a video of yourself up shooting out a window though. Doing coke and then fuck. Yeah. I mean, so do that and be like, hey, record. Yeah, maybe not record it. Record the shit, dude. Yeah. The fuck am I watching, bro? It's not a tooth extraction. But hold on. This is impressive. I can't. You got it. You got it. Oh, was he doing the pliers? Yeah. Fuck, dude. Oh, I heard it snap. Oh, God. Toothache gone. Toothache gone. Yeah, the toothache goes away when you rip it out with a pair of pliers. A lot of people don't know that. This man is a savage. I just got the chills. And he's not high on meth. We saw fed smoker doing that. His face is tattooed. So I would say that he has a tolerance for pain that not everybody can deal with. But what a fucking animal, dude. So impressive. I hope he's drunk at least. Doesn't look like it. Doesn't look like it. He looks like a guy who's like, yeah, don't give a fuck. And look, he didn't even wince afterwards. No. He was like, toothache gone. So calm. Wow. I wouldn't want to, I don't know. I feel like you meet someone like this. You're like, no, you're right. Like whatever they say. You're right. Yeah. 100%. That is an honor. Salute, my man. That was impressive. Look how big is to this, too. Look at those roots. That's a hard pole. Those things are embedded. Those are bones in your jaw, bro. I mean, I would quit so far before. Oh, dude. Like as you, if the first, I got, got, got, got, got, got. Yeah. Yeah. And also take me to a place where I'm unconscious for this. Yeah, of course. Of course. I don't think I've had a tooth extracted when it was. Good lord. No, you have to be put under for that. Yeah. For an extraction or you just grab a rag and pliers. Pull it out of your fucking mouth. Yeah. Again, I think the face tat reveals a lot. But hold on. How much pain is he in? Sometimes the toothache is unbearable. Yeah. Now hold on though too, that the bacteria is still in the mouth. So the reason they don't, they clean that out and stuff. In a professional environment they would. Yeah. Yeah. I hope he swishes some list of. He's probably going to rinse. I assume he rinsed after this. It's some salt water. He just goes, well, that's not a fun video to watch. I'll show you the cool part. What is the tattoo of? It's a Maori tribal, maybe I would say, right? Like New Zealand. Well, he, yeah, you're 100% right. But I'm saying, do you see the, what's the imagery that we're seeing on the side? It's a gallbladder. Oh. Or a liver. Huh. I don't know what it is. It looks terrible though. Is it a fish? I don't know. I almost feel like a goldfish. It can't be that. Is it this fish? Oh shit. It's great. It's a big fish. It's a big fish. It's a big fish. It's a big fish. It's a big fish. It's a big fish. It's a big fish. It is crazy. It is not that heavy. It's crazy how strong they are. That is a tuna, right? It's an amberjack. Oh, amberjack. You know how Goody's going to feel killing that thing? You know he's going to be like, fuck this guy. I reeled in a 26 pound amberjack, like 25 years ago in Florida, like off the coast. The struggle was so intense and so long. You go, that's it. It's 26 pounds. Then you see people that reel in 150 pound fish and you're like, I don't understand. That thing right there, that weighs, what is that? That thing weighs 20 pounds. Yeah. It's like a baby. I'm saying it's the strength. Yeah, their muscles. Oh my God. Look at his face. He looks like he's in so much pain. Well, sometimes too, they got those spikes around the back. You know what I'm saying? The scales can puncture your hand too. I thought we were going to watch him turn and drop it into like a grinder type of thing and just be like, fuck you. I know. Well, I would throw the fish on the floor and try to crack its fucking skull. Wouldn't you do that? Like just smack it on the ground or something or throw it? Can you just throw it? I'm surprised that it ends here. You would think that it's going to be, I thought he was going to lay it on a table or something. And then smash its head with a hammer. Smash its head maybe, yeah. Because you don't have to eat the head of the amberjack, right? You certainly don't have to. That's not the part you want. That's not the part that most people are going for. Yeah, they want that meaty fatty body. Damn. That's good fish, bro. All right. Why don't we take a quick break? Okay. We're going to be right back. We are back with one of our all-time favorites. You can watch his new special, The End of the Beginning of the End, which is out now on YouTube. It's David Cross, everybody. Hey, thank you for having me. Now, I'm curious, this was a co-production with somebody. Do you know, is that information up there? It doesn't say that there. It's here. So, David Cross is partnering with 800-pound Gorilla Media and YMH Studios. What? YMH Studios. Is that cool? Yeah. Okay. So, this special is produced by YMH. Yeah, and YMH stands for... Your mom was placed. They got the H and the P. They got the H and the P wrong. Yeah. Yeah. We did. We produced this. So, David Cross is a special with you and 800-pound Gorilla. Yeah. And he shot in Athens, Georgia, home of... You grew up near there or in Athens? No, I grew up in Atlanta, a little outside of Atlanta. But, yeah, I went to Athens a bunch. All my friends from high school, all of them, went to UGA. And then I applied and I got denied. I had that happen at Denver University. Really? It was the only place I wanted to go because I visited Denver at some point in high school and I was like, I love the city. And where'd you grow up? Wait, you grew up? I moved around a lot, but by the time I was in high school in Florida, and I was like, I just want to go to Denver. And I applied and this is so humiliating. I applied and I told my high school best friend that I was applying. So, he's like, I'll apply. And this fucking box of rocks gets in, right? So, that's not the humiliating part. You know, big head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, that one got in. He got in. And he had a lower SAT but a higher GPA. Oh, fuck. And then I did not know this. My dad wrote them a letter. Oh, that's humiliating. That was to reconsider. And they were like, they wrote it back like, no, he's dumb. Oh. And then I got to see that letter. I was like, what is this? He's like, oh, I tried to get you in. It's sweet. It's sweet. It's very nice. But he also wanted you out of the house. But also, and far away. So far. Yeah. And what was it, Denver? University. Yeah. DU. I've never even heard of Denver University. Well, I only knew about it because a guy that was a year above me was going. So, I found out that he was going. I was like, I didn't know there was even a school there. And what were you going to major in? Just something dumb. Communications, you know, the easy. Communication. What does that even mean? I have a major in it. I don't know. So you have a degree. So where'd you go to school? It's one of the most elite universities in the country. Lenore Rine College. Lenore Rine? Uh-huh. You know. Harvard, Lenore Rine, Princeton, Yale. Lenore Rine, yeah, she lives on. I know where she is. She's also like, Mount Olympus or something like that. Good. She's solid. Yeah. And she started a school. And I went there. In communications. How did you get into the IT score? I remember it. It was 1070. Wow. Well, but almost all of it was like verbal. The same. And zero, nothing. I mean, my math dragged me down. But I also, and my GPA was kind of average, you know, not necessarily. And again, I got, I actually got a F in algebra, algebra because I pleaded with my teacher to not give me an incomplete. Like I can't go to school and little did I know that I wasn't, I would end up not attending school really. But I was like, please just change it to an F, you know, just so I can. Please fail me. And yeah, and all things, you know, math just dragged me down. Same, dude. Same. Same. We're both retards in math. And I had the kind of the, not foresight, but the, by the time I was in, I don't know, 11th grade or so, I was like, everyone's using calculators. And why do I need, if I'm clearly showing an aptitude in this other completely different world, which is also important, and I'm never going to need to know fucking cosigns ever, ever, never, never. So why, why are you putting this onus on this thing that is preventing me from going to school, you know? For this other thing. And by the time we were like in 10th grade, people were using calculators. And like, I know how to push buttons, you know? Did you have the mind, I had the mind fuck of freshman year I failed algebra and the guy was like, this is crazy. I can't believe how bad you are at this. You had, wait, you had algebra in freshman year? Freshman year we had algebra one. Oh, that's early. And then I failed. You're talking about high school. High school, yeah. Oh, that's early. Like you're just like your, your special needs. And I was like, cool. And then sophomore year you go into, we have geometry. And I was like, how fuck is another math thing? And I get a B plus and they're like, hey, good. Well, those are two different things. They are, but those are the math requirements I'm saying. So in my head, I'm like, I'm bad at math. And then I'm like, I guess I'm okay at math. And then even though I failed algebra one freshman year junior year, they're like now you're in algebra two. I failed it again. Yeah, of course. And then senior year they were like, you just have to go into like the class with the seventh graders and just see if you can, you know, I think I got it. Was it like a happy Gilmore situation? It kind of was. I should say they were just like, just sit in this class so we can pass you. Dude, I was so stupid in algebra. I took algebra one A as a whole year and then one B as a second year. So like when I graduated, yeah, as a senior, I finally got to algebra two. I was so fucking stupid. I think what kind of fucked me that year is that freshman year I moved. So when I moved to the new school, that's where I'm coming in the middle of the year and they're like, we're in this part of algebra. And I'm like, I don't know any of this. Were you public school? I transferred from a public school to a private school. And that was. I was all public school in Georgia public schools. Rock. We're not. We're not the best. Yeah, it still bothers me. And it's something as I, you know, my daughter goes to public school and she's very, she's only in third grade, but I'm keeping an eye out for, you know, going, listen, to figure out when she'll be old enough to understand what this means and how to apply it and say, I don't give a shit about math. Okay. I just want you, you know, right now she needs, you know, the basics, you know, adding subtracting division, percentages, stuff like that. But there's going to be a point in the near future where I'm like, just get a D. Get a D and you'll be fine. I'm serious. I don't want you to worry about this shit. I want you to concentrate on this stuff. And I will say that to her, you know, when it's, when it's time. For sure. But that's why college is great because I. She's not going to go to college. Let's be real. Fuck that. But then you can just do what you're good at and then they make you take like one statistics class, which I barely got through. I paid my friend and beer to do my homework for me and that's it. I went all the way to senior year in college without taking a math, a math course because I was like, I should stay away from those. And they're like, you need to take this minimal right. And I started taking it and I was like, I'm going to fail this. And then I learned that the professor who's a real like folksy guy, I heard him one time talking about boats and then I was just like, I would go to him and be like, I like boats. And then I bought him a boating magazine and then he passed me. Yeah. It's that easy. It was that fucking boating magazine. He was like, I love this stuff, man. But what a great life lesson. That's how you actually operate in real life. Yeah. I just lubed him up a little bit. Yeah. You know, I was going to say, because I saw the special before when public, you are able, do you enjoy a standing crowd? Oh yeah. You've had that for years. Oh, I did that. That's a conscious effort. Yeah. What was the thought? What was like the first time? Was there a first time you're like, I want to try this? Well, it's a very rock club feel, right? When I first, when I did my first tour that went, that was beyond like, you know, clubs, right? You know, I had like clubs at that. But then I did a tour that was just a band, Friends of Mine. We had a band. Just like shut up, you fucking baby. It resulted in that. Yeah. But the first tour was kind of up and down the East Coast. It was a band opening up for me in music venue, in a music venue. And then there'd be, they do 30, 45 minutes, and then there'd be no intermission. They'd bring me on and I'd just go. And it was great. And I did that tour and then Sub Pop reached out and said, hey, you want to do a bigger, more, you know, extensive US tour and we'll record it and we'll put out an album. I was like, yeah, great. That was shut up, you fucking baby. But all the same thing. It just is a different energy and you can, your relationship with the audience is completely different. I shouldn't say completely different. Do you feel like they're more engaged? Oh, yeah. They are. Because they have to be stand. For sure. And it's not that they're, you know, nothing against theater shows. I've done plenty of them. I've done specials in the theater and it's not a bad thing. It's just different. The last two or three tours, two tours ago, I said, I'm going to go back to this thing that I used to do and I used a booking agent that just did music, didn't do comics. And I went with Arrival and they were great and, you know, did some theaters. But I'd say half of the shows were in a music venue where it's standing and they know what I want and they tell them upfront and, you know, you do those theater shows and you see, depending on what you ask for, you see the first three, four rows maybe before the light drops out. And sometimes the lights are so glaring. That's why I wear a hat sometimes, just to cut the glare of those lights so I can see people. And, you know, they're paying attention and it's good. It's fun, but it's a different type of show. Do you make them stand even if they have like MS or they're like in a chair? Yeah, yeah. What I do is I have a minder, what I call a minder, and the minder will come over and not allow them to sit. If the minder feels like they're... Lazy. Lazy, then yes, they will actually have a really mild, super mild taser. Get them up. Get them up. Yeah. Kind of like Cattle Prod thing because it gives them some room to distance themselves. And... I love that. Yeah, taze it up. And then I will give out part of my merch is tasers with my face on them. That's awesome. Wonderful. Feels like you. It feels on brand. Yeah. Yeah. That was my high school nickname. Taser Dave. Taser. Taser. Here comes Taser down the hall. Yeah. Here comes Taser Dave. Yeah, it's great. And I urge you to try it. Definitely going to. No, not the taser. The music venue. Oh, the music venue. Yeah, standing. I'm telling you, you won't want to go back. Really? It's just a fun... That's not true. You don't want to do theaters because they're more lucrative. But they're not seeing the feel. But you do a couple of them and it's just a... I feel like the goth queen here would be into this. I've done the bell house in Brooklyn. That's standing room. Well, they put chairs out though. Oh, I think when I did it, people were standing and I just felt bad for them the whole time because I'm like, oh my God. Because I know that there's a band I want to see here and I'm like, do I have to stand? But I also... Well, you know what? I get that. But also, I can't speak for you all, but a lot of my audience is roughly my age and they are into music and they know what they're getting. They're cool. And it's like, you know, it's not a big deal to stand for 90 minutes, especially when you have beers and they've gone to plenty of music shows and stuff. So... Because your demo is like the cool... Yeah, like the band. I got the cool kids. I like music. Yeah, I get it. Mine's like, let's lay down. I'm tired. If I could, I would let them fully lie down. I have a thing. I have more yoga shows. I know when I'm walking through an airport or a mall and I see like a generally unhealthy looking middle aged guy, he's going to be like, what's up, man? I can always tell. You look like you need to go to the doctor. Things are kind of off. And then he's like, Tom, there it is. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it. I could see it walking towards it. When you look at your audience, what do you see? The funny thing is... When you walk out. You actually... I've told her this for years. It's always surprise. It's not always 100%. So once I say like still to this day, I see people gauges, the door knocker, tatted up, and I'm like, I didn't expect you here. Then you see people of my age range. Then you'll be surprised. I'll get surprised that I'll see people in their 20s, sometimes couples or dudes together. And then a bulk of it just feels like they look kind of like you. I get that. I get a lot of Brian Posein looking guys. A lot of them. And a lot of... Brian Posein looking. I get a lot of those guys. I get a lot of me. And sometimes the gay version of me. And then a lot of tatted up feminist, younger feminists. And then what's surprising, I guess, but shouldn't be, starting a couple tours ago, kids that were brought and are there with their parents. Like teenagers, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. And then like, yeah, I brought my kids. I told you this when you were here, but for you and I, that album was like as we were baby comics. So it was super influential for us. Oh, good. Yeah. I mean, we were just like obsessed with that dude. And then... Well, I think, but you can hear, sorry to interrupt, but you can hear the aspect that I'm talking about. That was all music venues. Yes. Of course. So, and I think the bulk of it was from Portland, the show in Portland and a show in Atlanta. And then the Portland show was at the Crystal Ballroom. That was all standing. You know, that girl was like, let me feel it or whatever that thing, that part. She was right there at the stage. And you know, when you, if you're at the front of the stage, you got there two hours ago. Yeah. And I know that I've been that person, you know, and again, it's just different energy. And it's, you know, it's uniquely David Cross for sure. It does. I think more and more people are going to do it. I hope so. Oh, God. I know. Don't talk about it so much. Don't want them. Don't. Jesus. Do you know also there's that part in the show in the special where I'm talking about climbing Machu Picchu with Bob. Moonkirk. And there's that interaction with a guy who's right there. I mean, he's too deep. He's right. You know, I could touch him. And that wouldn't have happened in the theater. That's true. I mean, if it did, I'd be talking in the dark and you wouldn't hear the person really. And it would, it would end up probably being cut because it would be fun in the show, but you wouldn't hear it. You wouldn't see it. You wouldn't hear it. This guy's right there. You know what, David Kress? I'm going to do standing room only from now on. You don't have to do it from now on. Try it once. I'm going to have mother ship remove the seating. And then I know. You should book a venue. You should book a venue. I'm telling you. I will. I will. And if when you do it, get in touch and let me know how it went and how it felt. I've been also, you know, when you have like a real asshole at a show and they're seated, there's something about like, depending on the venue and the situation, everything happening in that moment, person still has like their space of their seat. But I bet when they're standing and people are around them, they get it more from the people around them. Yeah, probably. Yeah. I would think that people would just be like, the fuck are you doing? Yeah. They feel more comfortable. And they would feel it. Yeah. You know, intensely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It's interesting. It's an interesting part of it. The special, the end of the beginning of the end. You always do this thing too, where like, because when the special starts, you go on this bit that you always like, I love that I've always felt like you will take people on a long ride of before the. A long meandering, boring ride. No, it's so good. No. Of like, where like as you're watching and you're listening, you just keep leaning forward because you're like where, because all you always want is surprise. If you want surprise. Yeah. I mean, I, that's, I think, you know, there's some things I'm good at, some things I'm not good at, and as far as stand up. And I think that's one of the things I'm pretty good at. Yeah. You know what? Like you don't know the, what's like still to this day, like, is he serious? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. This is going to be heavy. Oh, I get it. Your deadpan is like unlike anybody's, like where you're like, wait, maybe he really feels this way. I think the, the, I think the joke that ends up with the punchline, the entire time there was a rock in my shoe is what made my wife marry me. Oh. Really? That was, yeah, she, that pulled her in. Oh. That's awesome. I loved it. They're mining gold to get the medicine for Susu, the medicine for Susu. And then the gold fleck ends up on your dessert and then shit it out. And that's that. And you're like, that's, that was the, and because since that joke, every time I see a gold fleck on a dessert, I think about your bit and how exorbitant and retarded that is. It's crazy. It's so stupid. There are places, you know, New York has them, certainly Las Vegas where it's like, no shit. It's like the thousand dollar burger. Oh my God. It's, you know, it's a hundred dollars of it is the quality of the meat, right? Or the food. Or like the, and then nine hundred dollars of it is, and we dip it in gold. And then there's some fucking asshole who's like, it thinks that makes them cool. Yeah. Or like, and they're just eating. What are you going to get? Golden dipped. I'm getting a thousand dollar burger. I'm getting a hundred dollar burger. You fucking loser. Taste the same. Oh, yeah, look at this. Yeah. Oh, it's real. Oh my God. They have them all over the place. Yeah. What does this, what does that say? The glam burger. One thousand seven hundred and seventy dollars. Yeah, because I'm a fucking, I'm not a piece of shit. Look, look, it's the, I mean, worth it. Fucking. I just. You think the person that orders that goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not going to tip you 20% on that. I might tip you on the meat. The meat was like a hundred bucks. Yeah. Yeah. It's just the bun. The ugly city. You got to tip. I think there's caviar on that too, though. Fuck yeah, dude. Put it on the table. Caviar, bacon. I mean, who doesn't like caviar and bacon and gold? I don't know how anyone can. I wonder what it's like to look at this and not know if you're going to have diarrhea, because I know that it's going to be the meatiest. Also, you have to now look at your shit. Yeah. You eat that golden burger. Yeah. And now there's no way you're like, not taking a peek, wiping your ass, looking at it, going and see, panning for gold. I don't know. Kinda, in a way. That's so true. That might be the only reason to consume a golden burger. You have to, honey, get in here. Or you eat it. Don't tell anybody. And then you take a shit and you're like, wow, I'm made of magic. I'm shit and gold. Can you, I don't know who the person is who's doing, operating that thing. You look for other golden foods and see what they've got. Golden flaked foods, maybe. You know? Golden, the flecks on the dessert always get me. Fancy golden. Yeah. Yeah, what's that? Gold sushi. You need it. It's insane. It's just. You need gold sushi. What happens when you eat gold? You want your ass holes. I mean, just fuck these people. Right, and isn't it a metal in your body? Gold, baby. Can't be good. Wait, I have to go look at this. Yeah. All right, golden donuts, golden ice cream. Golden ice cream. Golden lamb shank. Golden lamb shank is nice. Very nice. That looks disgusting. The golden magic. What is this? They didn't even have enough gold to cover this gold cake. This skimped on the gold. A gold cake? Oh, my birthday's Thursday. Is it really? Yeah. I just had my birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Man, did you eat gold? Yeah, I had gold. Well, no, actually, to be honest, I ate a diamond. Oh, wow. I just swallowed a diamond. I'll marathon man. Wow. I just had a couple diamonds. What a way to celebrate. Yeah, yeah. That's really cool, because you're not a fucking loser. No, no, no, no. That's what smart, fancy, worthwhile people do. Yeah. And I still haven't shit it out. And I've been, my birthday was on the fourth, and I've been like having, you know, sifted a diamond, because it's a small diamond. Of course. It's not huge. But you're ring. Yeah. Fancy. Thank you. I love that. Imagine eating that. How much, no, not one serving. Did you eat this? What if we broke it up and I smashed it with a hammer? Yeah, I could do it that way. You could put sprinkle in it. I would sprinkle it on like a Power Smoothie. Oh, that's such a good idea. That's such a good idea. Or a sea berry boa. But then imagine sifting through your brown to find. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I'm still looking. And, you know, and I've gotten to the point where I can't, I don't shit in water anymore. I just shit in a sieve, you know, you can just swish it down. Do you call in the wife and daughter every time you shit? Like, let's see if it's here. I have them help. Yeah, that's cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then wash up, obviously. Of course. You know. Of course. How much did that set you back? $100. This is from Etsy. 63, I think. It's Etsy. It's beautiful. I mean, that is a that is a I never noticed wedding rings. You want to try it on? Gumball. Gumball. See what it feels like, David. It's a gumball machine. Oh, that's heavy. Eat it. Eat it. Yeah. Wow. You have some dainty fingers. I can't even get this on my pinky. I'm such a lady. You like that? I kind of like it. I know. It's fun. I, you know, it's fun in the older I get. I like wearing this stuff. And the secret is just to wear it because my mother had a lovely collection of jewelry. And when she died, I found it in a bag hidden in the back of her closet. And I was like, oh, that's so messed up. Was there any shit around it? She scraped it off. Yeah. She she'd into them. And yeah, I had to mine through it all. But I thought, what a waste. Like if you're going to have fancy shit, just wear it because there is no special occasion. Every day is a special occasion. So I wear ridiculous things a lot. Yeah. But maybe she was afraid of getting mugged. Yeah, that too. But she lived in Marina Del Rey. Like she wasn't. She wasn't. That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. We were destitute. Yeah. Yeah. She was just paranoid Eastern European. That Marina Del Rey is such an interesting weird. It's so boring. It to me, like when I hear about people growing up there, it's kind of like Roosevelt Island. Like I know a guy who born and raised Roosevelt Island, which is that little island in between Manhattan and Queens, Brooklyn Queens. And you know, they have a little tram there. You've seen it. You know, it's that where the Statue of Liberty lives. No. What? I mean, the island. Wow. Yeah. Not just math. Yeah. Boy. I've never heard this place. It's um, all right. So you will see it. It's it's like that. So yeah, you see that it's a 59th Street Bridge. And so they have their own school system, hospital, all that stuff. And it's always it's just one of those. But you have to take a tram to get there. It's just a weird like, wow, you grew up there. You were a kid. You were a preteen. You were a teenager. What is that like? And and that's Marina Del Rey is such a strange. It's strange. You said, you know, a guy from there. Yeah. Did you like what's your assessment of him as someone who grew up there? Oh, he's awesome. He's one of the founders of Kickstarter. Oh, yeah. Wow. And he's he's great. He's a super cool guy, really good morals and ethics. And he's just a good, decent person. Nice. Yeah. Marina Del Rey is alarmingly boring, I would say. Like, it's like it's unto itself. It's got that weird because it's a little bit. Touristy. Yeah, weird tourists. Yes. You know, I shouldn't say weird, but to go there as you know, if you're in LA for whatever, you know, five, six, seven days and you make Marina Del Rey a stop, it's very strange. That's a strange choice. And and just living there. Hollywood and Highlands where it's at, man. You want to go to LA and have a good fucking time. You got to go to Hollywood. Planet Hollywood. Also, there's a cheesecake factory there that people really love in Marina Del Rey. Makes total sense. That's it. It feels like a place where. Tier three rich people. Yes. Really good. That's totally it. They have a boat. They don't have a massive boat. No, they have a boat. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. And then they hang out there and they go to the cheesecake factory and they go back to their boat. And you can live on your boat. And you can live on your boat. I think people want to live on the boat. And that's why they dock it in Marina Del Rey and then go to the. Trippy. Because I've shot there a bunch on the arrested. We shot. Oh, really? We shot there all the time. And, you know, I lived near there like Venice, Santa Monica, when I was working on the show and I. Or my wife's, you know, who was then girlfriend's place in Venice. And and you know, you're always passing it. It's just never a place you would ever turn your car towards. Yeah. Go in and go and walk around. And they're tourists there. The only time I was really there was there was always like a meeting, like offices, places had their headquarters or their offices there. From really? Yeah. Like there would always be like these. Yeah, there's a couple like, you know, not like studio, like Paramount Studios, but like we have the our the the VR place, the the place that does the VFX for this. They all have places in Marina Del Rey. Yeah. I remember when you lived in Los Viles a million years ago. And before I was a comedian and I was just a super fan and I would see you at the coffee place at the coffee store to the electric Lotus. Oh, yeah. The Onyx. Is that the next room? Right. No, it's just a coffee place. I don't remember. But I remember being like, oh, my God, Steve, of course. Oh, yeah, I lived. I only until I, you know, moved away and then had to come back for work. I only lived in Los Viles and Silver Lake. We were two. We were hardcore East Siders. Yeah. And then we were kids. Where'd you all live? We lived on Silverland. I lived on Silver Lake Boulevard once and then I lived on Hyperion. Oh, right on. Yeah. Yeah. And it was one of the few. Was that it? Onyx lunch? No, it was next to the Electric Lotus Indian restaurant. It was a coffee. It wasn't that. It's just some shit coffee. I thought that was the only. No, no, money. It was really independent. It was just a hole in the wall, literally like a long, narrow building. And I would walk through it and I'm like, oh, there's David Cross. Like writing jokes. You were just quietly to yourself. Oh, I thought it was a show. Weird. No, you got. I think you were just writing or reading or doing your thing. And I would never bother you, of course. Well, thanks for not bothering. No worries. Do you remember Tim Tam when we lived in Silver Lake? We lived on Hyperion and you had to walk past the hardcore gay bar to go to Trader Joe's. Yeah, Rim Job Tuesdays. Of course. Wait, which which there are a couple of hard. Yeah, but MJ's had Rim Job Tuesdays on their sign. Are you serious? Where is this on Hyperion? So on the on the so on the right side of your walking across from trying to go towards like real. This is on the right. OK, water village is behind me. Yeah, you're walking down. Gals is on your right on your left hand side. There's something. There's a cheese shop. Cheese shop. And then there's there's like Trader Joe's. Yeah. On the same side, the street is Trader Joe's. OK. But before you would get to Trader Joe's. Oh, I don't know. I think there's a Rim Job every fucking Tuesday. And then they had a picture of a guy's asshole behind the bar. Yeah. Oh my gosh, that is hardcore. Yeah. And then one time I met a friend for coffee there and there are signs in the in the restaurant like, hey, guys, don't fucking hear. Could you please not have sex in here? This is the place. Specifically, Todd. Todd. We know who to. Todd and Bruce. Fucking Bruce. Why is this the guy's name? I just told this story yesterday that how when they close, when MJ is closed, that's when Brendan Walsh put up the sign that Silver Lake Gun Club is coming and he put it up over there like like on the property and then built a website. And so then locals would be like, we don't. And he had a phone number. So people would be like, we don't want a gun club here. And so he'd be like, too fucking bad. Like just to upset people. That's great. Yeah. Rim. That's great. Yeah. Rim Job every fucking Tuesday. And it was so fun. There's always a line of dudes outside having this time. I love I love a good, straight, friendly gay bar. I mean, the gym that was on that street, right? No, the street. Bodybuilder gym. It was old school gym. That's a different kind of experience with gay men that I would am looking for. Well, it's it was there are straights and gays there. And the smell was gay. And and by that, I mean, intense B.O. Everywhere and everyone would be like, that's fucking right. I smell you like that. But you're like, dude, come on, man. Like you just say that you had. The last thing I would say it was intense there because there were bears building their musk building their musk. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's not my. What do you mean? That's not your. That's just not, you know, not anymore. Yeah. You know, I got a kid now. I got to get a massage today. Mike's here. She's fucking amazing. Yeah. Are you done with the machine? They loved you at that place. Now you had a lot of fans. Oh, yeah, I bet. Yeah, you got bear. You got a bear look. You do. Because I get the same thing. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And I have I still get the occasional person who's disappointed that I'm not gay. I still do. Like somebody like, oh, you're not. I thought. No, for sure. I thought we were going to get to. All right. You know. Yeah, you must get that. I've had it a few times. Yeah. I've also never ever received a message from a woman ever that was aggressive in a sexual sense. Like I have from men. Yeah. Yeah. Like I've opened my. Because men are more honest. Yeah. Men are like, bro, you have to fucking put my face in your ass. OK. You never got messages like that. No, but I don't I'm not I'm not talking like DM stuff like that. I'm talking about like personal interaction. Oh, I'm never on. I've never on social media. Yeah, I got rid of it back in. I can't remember. But it was great. Feels good. Yeah. You don't even like TikTok. Hold on. No, I don't. I'm not saying I don't like it. I just don't see the right kind. I'm sure I would. And occasionally, my wife will send me some stuff on Instagram. Right. Yeah. And I'll go, God, damn it, because I know that the rest of my free time is I'm going to look at the thing. Yeah, I'm going to go. You know, those dogs. This is a scroll. And this is a perfect time. Would you throw those on for a moment so that like we can give you a taste of what you're missing? So just so you know, David. I like to collect. I curate TikToks. But that's what you sound like. That's what I say. OK. All right. Yeah. This is new. I curate TikToks. I like to highlight the marginalized communities, people that don't normally get represented. So I don't get your traditional dance videos and things of that nature. So there you go. OK. I mean, being as like you're the king of alternative. I just thought this would be pretty cool for you. OK. Am I going to listen? Is there going to be a message? Oh, is that? Elevator anal sex as much as the next guy. But I just fucking crush and butthole. Like, I can fuck. 47 years old. I'm five foot three. One hundred and sixty five pounds. I'm and Tom Sigoura had a baby. Yeah, it's totally shit. It's very similar. Oh my God. So what is he? Is he is he looking for? I think he's just informing the audience. He's letting you know that even though he's five foot three and forty seven, he can but fuck hard. Throw it down. He does the powerful hip thrust. So when I'm having anal sex, I'm just fucking getting up in that like up deep up in the but not. Sometimes I'd be waking up and shit's stuck to my dick and dried up, petrified shit. Oh, this is a joke. No, come on. The back of the room keys. I engineered that motherfucker to be a certified whole polisher. So here's what you do. Go to the link tree in my bio. OK, all right. But he does love but pounding. And his whole account is dedicated to that telling. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He does sell t shirts about but but sexing and stuff. Oh, I want to see one of those t shirts. I'll get one of those. That's a great idea. Right. Yeah. Well, actually, we know what you guys just take care of it. Don't just just take care of it. Order it for us. Merch, David. Oh, no. No. Oh, no. What is that? You got tattoos. You don't like that? What is he doing? It's art. It's just he's filling it in, man. I don't know if it's real, though. I feel like that's not real. That's real. It doesn't look real. Wait a minute. I don't think that's real. No, what's the hang on? Oh, come on. No, but it's it's you think it's real? But look, it's not in. I mean, I thought tattooing. Oh, OK. Is it? Is this paint? So he's pulling our leg. He's pulling your leg. OK. But I like the effect. I mean, it freaked you out. Yeah, I didn't like that. That was kind of crazy. Yeah, it's cool. That's a crazy flip. Oh, Jesus. This is why a flight to Austin and come on the show. Get up on all. See what's going to happen. Ouch. OK. Oh, Jesus. I love it. Christine, this is your collection. Yeah, I curate these. Yeah. And where do you get them from? Just my algorithms. So so fine tuned. Yeah, yeah, I can't even get normal talks. Yeah, I won't even give it to me. Oh, this guy. So I don't worry about walking around alone. See, major. I'm 37. I don't think so. So this guy was making all these talks. He's like 17 year old model. I'm actually a thirty seven, but I look 17. And I think he just got into some legal trouble. Can you look it up, Josh? But his whole thing. I mean, for like a year, he's like, I look. I know I look young. Mm hmm. OK, look at those choppers. Those are not real. Oh, yeah, he's older. Yeah. He's a model, it says a 30th century model. Yeah. Yeah. He's he's the kind of guy and I. I'm just going off of looks. OK, I don't know no personality. I don't know don't know who this person is. But he looks like the kind of guy that you would see wandering around like Tompkins Square or whatever the equivalent is here in Austin, but who would be emaciated and completely fucked up all in black and like in like open source and be going, I'm fucking fabulous. Yeah. I'm fabulous. You'd be surprised to know I'm not 17. You're like, I'm not actually very surprised. I actually believe I don't think you're fabulous. That is such a specific. You know that you're that's so specific, that type. Yes. Wow, you really nailed that. And they're and they walk around, they tell you how fabulous they are in their life and they're I don't think so. I know you don't look. Let's see the picture on the right. Now, do people watch this podcast or are they so they don't know what we're talking about? No, they know what we're seeing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they'll see that on the top left there. I don't think he's 30. But if you're but you would have to be listening. You have to be watching. You don't have to be watching. Correct. Yeah. But people will. OK, the ear of the mind. Yeah. Maybe your wife, maybe Amber would be interested in this product. Watch you come home with a present. For her. Eyebrows are hard to draw in. I'm just waiting for the end for to remove it. It's going to look good, dude. You're going to look really good. I like the way this looks. It looks. Well, the thing is that it looks natural, which is what you want. Oh, it's beautiful. She just made herself less feminine. Pretty cool. Yeah. Well, I like straight across for the eyebrows. Yeah, you don't want. You don't want like a curve. Curve straight across. It's going over her natural eyebrow, which you can still see. So yeah, not a good idea. That's true. You should shave your reals. This is how cartoon characters are sometimes drawn, just like the straight brow. Yeah. Yeah. What's going on here? I know. We're in this one. We in Bangkok. Or somewhere. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's terrible. Well, that's bad. But yeah, I don't like those. I know, but we just checked. I don't like those. I don't like to see that. We checked. We checked. He's OK. He is OK. I don't like I mean, I really don't like to see. I know if a guy like the guy who gets hit goes into the car. That's on him. Yeah. Yeah. This I don't like. Doing it. Oh, the wheel is going to end bad. No. Yeah. It's going to end real bad. I don't like it already. He's got the wobblies. But he's OK. He's OK. He's all right. These two teeth are part plastic because when I was third grade, I had a chipper, which was like the chopper bike, but for a little kid. And I was in I was going down a very steep hill to my friends. And that happened to my the the wheel, front wheel went and then just locked and I sprung and I landed on my face. Yeah. And then a neighbor had to carry me up to back to to my house. And my mom was on the phone and I remember this, you know, like old old phone from the wall with a little court like, you know, yeah, and then and then and then and then screaming. Yeah. And then, yeah, I had these. Did you go straight to the hospital? Is that where you go for that? Or no, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. You got you said made out of plastic. They were they're like bonded. They're like stuff that goes on every once in a while, maybe seven, eight years, eight, nine years. Yeah. They just. Have you ever thought about getting a perfect smile? I have. I have fucked up teeth. But we have a we have the perfect smile. We can probably order it for you. Is that a is that a cue? No, it's just that they'll I know that we is that a sponsor. Not a sponsor. Not we're just we're fans. Yeah. Yeah. What is the perfect smile? Well, they'll pull it up. The perfect smile is something that can like really change the way you feel and the way you look. And you just you just snap it in. You should be a spokesman. That's very nice. Oh, no. Oh, those go over your teeth. Yes. Fourteen dollars. Oh, well, maybe. I mean, wouldn't you like to wear that? You got to see them in action. Do I have to hold my fucking cheeks out? Well, the only thing that you can't do is talk or eat with them in. But you can do everything else. But I can still scroll. Tick tock. You can. You can't fucking get them. Scroll. I mean, look at that. It was so natural. So white. Yeah. Yeah. If you can find that perfect smile commercial, it's really great. But what's really cool about that product is they tell you to put them in hot water and then glue them to your actual. Yeah. Which sounds like good advice. And then just glue them on there. Yeah. Fourteen dollars is what it's a good deal. It's a really good deal, but I would rather pay eighty dollars. Just it would make me feel better if it was the exact same product. And it's like it's more. Yeah. It's more. Here you go. You're like, 14 for my teeth. Just about your broken, crooked and missing teeth. You hide your smile because you're ashamed of unsightly gaps and cracks. They just now finding out what they look like. My confidence. But just those are. Sorry, but those are real. Yeah. The ones they just show. That's clear. It's clear. It's the look of perfect teeth. Oh, it's right over your existing teeth. So you can always put your best. Oh, my goodness. This is like late night. It's over. So that is amazing. And the problem too, the perfect smile is that the gums are are bright red. So that you look infected. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's a bad idea. Nice teeth and you have gum disease. That is the most red neck shit I've ever seen. It's the perfect smile. Perfect smile. Yeah, I because. Oh, no. Whatever happens this week will not destroy your life. Seriously, not true. The bad thing is that you're. True. You are strong enough to get through it. You are going to get through it. No. And you can move on with your life. This person hasn't lived. You'll be OK. You got this. You'll have a good week. Thanks. Now go have a wonderful day. And I look forward to hearing about it. Thanks, furry. Yeah, that's pretty neat. How do you feel about furries? I'm very much a I as long as it doesn't affect me, you can do whatever you want. You can be, say, feel whatever you want, as long as it doesn't and nothing would. But I still think, man, that's kind of fucked up. You know what I mean? Like it's I have the same reaction that most people would. Yeah. But I'm also very much like, hey, man, yeah, do it. It's sort of like when someone's into shit play. And they're like, someone to shit on me. And you're like, that's fine. But what's going on for real? Why? But I feel like that opinion has been lost. It's a very nuanced way of being where you go, hey, man, it's you're still fucking mentally ill, but I'm not going to stop you from being nutty. I just it's it's it's so unappealing. It becomes very curious, right? Like I actually have started this. I don't want to say it because it's I'm working on it, but a bit a bit about bestiality and the, you know, sure, on paper, it's it's not it feels like that's not cool. But, you know, has anybody really checked with the animals? Right. Right. Yeah. There's there's so much of that. Like the other thing, rule 34, you know, rule 34, it's that I'm paraphrasing it, but like anything is acceptable in porn, like, like, I think it applies to cartoon, like when you see Mark Simpson or the family guy lady and she's, you know, fucking, can I say that? Yeah, yeah. That's rule 34. OK. OK. OK. Pull it up. Pull it up. Come on, guys, you got the. You got the machine thing. Yeah. Oh, rule 34. You're right. Yeah. And and it's all the that stuff to me is like, wow, that's not appealing, but. And that's like kind of the furry thing, right? Or the you know what you know what it's bothersome to me is to take things that you liked as a child. Oh, there it is. There is a porn of it. No exceptions. Yeah. That's rule 34. Yeah. There's a porn version that's appealing to somebody. That is a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's always a cool porn out there, whatever you want. It exists. That's there. There is a magazine that I there's a place on Seventh Street that used to have all these international crazy, not, you know, just catering to every fetish and whatever. Also like political magazines and all this stuff. And I got. My mom had. I can't remember what it was, but some something that she had to go like an elective surgery or whatever, she had to go to the hospital when she was in the hospital room for a private room for like two or three days. And I got all these magazines and put them out of her reach. So I got a magazine called Sploosh or Sploosh or something like that. It was British, you know, women who, uh, oh, I dropped a thing of oatmeal on me. And that was the whole thing. Yeah. It's like you get that for your mom. So I put it, but I put it on this dresser that was like a cross from her bed. And she was kind of, you know, had to stay in bed and like these lesbian magazines and a communist worker magazine. And she was so, she was so unhappy with me. David, take those. Take those away. All right, mom, I got to go. Got to go back to New York. Bye. Yeah. It's nothing more fun than torturing a mother. But also to go and to see like, wow, and the poorest quality just. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Why didn't they? No production value. No production value. Sploshing. Why do the Brits love that? The Brits are really into asinate like spanking and splashing. It's so funny. The, uh, there, yeah, the Brit, it was a British magazine, Sploosh or Sploosh. And, uh, love that shit. Uh, but they also did dogging. What's that? That's where you go, where somebody goes, uh, in, in a car, like you go to like a field, right? You bring in, you drive there and then you fuck somebody. And then you go, uh, you go around like strangers will go around and jerk off while they're watching you. Oh, that's kind of nice. That is nice. It's sweet. It's a community. It's community. Yeah. Dogging. Uh, yeah. British England, British slang term for gauges and watching others doing so. Um, there you go. Yeah. That seems harmless. No, it's fun. Yeah. And again, again, nobody. What? There's a panther in the house. Holy shit. The Ruskies and the, and some of the Middle East. Arabs love this shit. Yeah. There you go. They'll have like a bobcat. And those are nice lace curtains, by the way. My nana had those in her apartment in Hungary too. No, my, uh, my great-grandfather had a black panther. No. No, he didn't. No. He did not. In Leeds, England? Oh, my God. Yeah, how come the English don't do this? This is specifically Eastern blogger. This is very cultural. Well, they're more sophisticated. Yeah. And Europeans. I think that's why they want the BDSM stuff. There's so, there's such a... I didn't know, I didn't know that was, I thought that was more like German. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Maybe you're right. I don't think it's... I know, I know dogging and, and splushing or splash, whatever it is. Splush. Splush. I think it's splush. And... But there are all these flyers in the 90s when I lived in England for dominatrixes and get spanking. Like in the, in the, in the phone box. Phone box. Yes. And I was like, is this really... It wasn't just straight up hookers. It was very specific. Yeah. And it gets spanked, madam so and so will punish you. We know who's way, way into BDSM is the Hasidic community. No. Yes. Absolutely. I'm not sure. How do you know that? Because I know a dominat... You know Dino Stambatopoulos? No. No. So, I knew he was married to a dominatrix for quite a while. And she, who's British. Yeah. Interestingly, she used to work in the East Village, Lower East Side, and the bulk of her and I met her friends and, you know, and that was her job. That was her work. And it was not a, you know, it wasn't a taboo or anything. She would just talk about it like, yeah, this is, you know, I had this client today. And a lot of their clients were Hasidic. Wow. For real. I had heard that before or after at some point. Doesn't that make sense when somebody lives like more strictly... Fuck yeah. Yeah. So they want to release... Well, that's the same thing as like the latent homosexuals in the Christian community. Am I just talking about that? Yeah. Like the priest, I mean not the priest, or the... Like the pastor. The politician or the pastor who's anti-gay and then he gets busted for that. All the time. All the time. Yeah. If you live in that kind of, you know, restrictive... Yeah. All the more reason to be like, hey man, you do what you want to do. Just don't affect me or my family. Oh, for sure. Go do that weird shit. Do y'all gay stuff if you want. If you want to be friends with Satan. Oh, that's pretty cool, Christine. Oh, I think this is awesome. Oh, wow. I mean, you've never seen that before though, right? Nope. And you sure you don't want TikTok? I can send these to you if you want. Oh, and the eyes, he did his eyes too. Yeah. Interesting. Yep. God, man, the amount of... I can't imagine the regret. He do regret it later of like, God. Where? Where do you see it? Where's the potential regret? Just the eyes. I think everybody else, yeah. Just the eyes. Pretty solid. I mean, the mustard ketchup thing is pretty cool. So convenient. It is convenient. Yeah. I mean, are you tired of having to constantly dip your fry? In front of you. So awful. It's fucking amazing. And then he split his tongue on top of it. What do you think came first? Wow, your tongue. Tongue. Really? Tongue split. Tongue first. Yeah, tongue first. No, the ears first, okay. Oh, right. The plugs and that horseshit. He's got to stretch out his lip. Yeah. I got it in the tongue. And then he was like. Eyes? I think eyes and then nose. And then, but how did he connect that he could find containers? All this though is just, is just him being like, fuck you, dad. Yes. Yeah. Without question. Or just trying to get his dad's approval. Yeah, yeah. Like he said no. Yeah. What his dad was, you know, was a carny. Yeah. Oh, that would be great. Oh, look, and he's got a horn in his forehead too. So he's had that in his eye. Oh, yeah. So much. Body mod. Fucking awesome, man. This guy's rad. Got one more here, I think. What else? What's your big closer? Oh my gosh. I forgot her bonnet. Oh no. This is why I wear bonnets. Her first reason is that I like them. That is a good reason. But they also serve quite a few functions for me that might not be obvious. I live with a severe sound sensitivity called hyperacusinus. I rarely leave the house. But when I do, I need to wear things that protect myself with a fear. Oh. Earplugs are easily hidden with bonnets. So when I wear a bonnet, you can't tell that I have hearing protection. God, Elena Dunham has really... When I'm wearing a normal hat. Really? That's okay. It's just not my preference for that to be seen. If I'm not wearing earplugs, I'm wearing noise-canceling headphones. But I just live really nicely over my bonnets. But with hats, they aren't quite as effective and they need little gaps. This is a long explanation for fuck's sake. Also, don't chickens make noise? I'm all day. All day. I would think. I would think. Rabbits don't make noise. That's right. That's so true. I mean, there are other things to get. What if in the second half of this video she goes, and that's why I ripped the vocal cords out of all my chickens? With my bare hands. Fucking A. How to say? Do you think she really has hypercocpoose spits? No. I don't think so. I think that's just one of those. I have a condition. Oh, is that... Look behind her. That's a fucking blender, isn't it? Yeah. Wait, hang on. I'm going to... That's a fucking blender. She's making cakes and shit. It's a loud life. She's making loud cakes. Loud ass cakes. Loud cakes with chickens running around. No one's buying your story, ma'am. A hyper... Get the fuck out of here. Back on the bed, just so I can stroke your head. If you want me to stop, I can't understand. I will be gentle. This is in her feed. You understand that, right? Yeah, why? What is... What's happening? Do you feel... Look, he's trying to romance you, dude. Let it... Let him romance you. With my two hands. Don't you feel seduced? Lay you back on the bed. Okay, he's telling us what he'd do with both of his hands. Or no, he has more than two, but what he's going to do with two of them. Two of them. Yeah. Lay you back on the bed. You ever see this guy at a show? Just stroke your head. If you want me to stop, I can understand. I will be gentle with my two hands. Yeah. My two hands. My two hands. Okay. Wow, what a nice way to fucking wrap things up. The two hands song. That was so cool. But I want him to stroke my head. You know I like having head scratches. Yeah, of course he doesn't like head scratches. That's my favorite. Absolutely. I'd let him scratch me. David Cross has a new special. It's the end of the beginning of the end. It is out now on YouTube. We here at YMH Studios produced it along with some other friends, but let's talk about us. And you can watch right now. You're hilarious as always. Thank you for coming by. Thank you for letting us work with you. Absolutely. My pleasure. It was a pleasure. And yeah, I can't wait for you to come back. I hope you come back soon, man. Yeah. Thank you. See you guys next week. My mummies. This is Captain Marcel. Marcel. Marcel. My sister went down. Down to the mountain. You might be a tech doctor. Tech doctor. Tech doctor. Tech doctor. I gotta say my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. That's my sister. Just waiting for my lunch. Just waiting for my lunch. Just waiting for my lunch. I ordered up up for no burger. My dinner, my dinner, my dinner. I ordered up up for no burger. As I got the movie, the movie, the movie. Okay guys, we're gonna do a guy acting like a cow. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Thanks for watching.