Hey, Steven. Hi, Becca. I'm very excited to do our Tuesday show, right? This is our Tuesday show. Okay. Okay, we're doing a questionnaire today. Okay, great. And you have to give me permission to do this, but I'm going to pull your arm and make you do it. So we all know that you keep saying that at the end of the run, you're going to do the Colbert questionnaire. And I respect that, and I enjoy that. I'm looking forward to hearing what your answers are. But there are four questions that have long since been retired from the questionnaire. Okay, well, this is fair. Can we do it on the podcast? We can do it on the podcast. Okay, okay. I don't remember what they are. I know what one of them is. I know what one of them is. Okay, go ahead. Go, do it. What is the most used app on my phone? Yes, and I think I know what it is. I mean, the most frequently used app on my phone, I don't actually even consider really an app, which is the podcast app. Oh, wow. I think you can get that in very places. But it's probably Marine Traffic. That's what I was going to say. I love Marine Traffic and your love for it. Marine Traffic for people who don't know is an app that tracks the location, name, vessel type, gross tonnage, present speed or at anchorage, a last port of call, destination, if that's been filed, and country that the vessel is flagged in, Liberia probably. And this is if the boat has a AIS transponder. That's the type of transponder it has to have. And it's so fun. Right now, if I wanted to, I'll get my phone turned off right now because we're recording this, but I could pop it up and say, hey, who's going through the Strait of Hormuz right now? Because nobody, by the way. Yeah. It's fascinating. You can see all those ships bunched up in the Gulf and the Raven Gulf and then nothing around the Strait. You've really turned me on to this app in a huge way and I've become a missionary for it. I'm at the beach. I'm on a ferry. I'm pulling out Marine Traffic and you're like, oh, that boat? I can find out and kind of find out who owns it if you Google it if it's a fancy looking boat. Sure. It's awesome. Great app. Okay, great app. That's how I found out. At sea, out of range of the internet, so I wasn't able to use Marine Traffic out there. We're in the, we'll call the Windward Passage, which is between Cuba and Hispaniola, between Cuba and Haiti. Oh, wow. And we were becalmed, even though it's the Windward Passage. We were becalmed. We were in this race from Lauderdale down to Montego Bay. And it would think so. It was a disaster. It was, it was storms, storms, storms. For like one afternoon. It was storms. Tabletop, flat sea, no wind. And we're sitting there in the storms, like our refrigerator had given out, our food was rotting. We're a little worried about the water situation on the boat. We still got a couple days of sailing to do. And we see this boat sailing from the distance. Like how are they sailing? That's a sailboat. How do they have wind? We don't have wind. And then we realized, oh no, those masks were just so big that they looked like sails. There was no thing. And as it came close, it came really close to us. And then we're trying to hail it. And it's not responding to us trying to hail it over the radio. And then, I don't know, a couple hundred yards off our stern. It makes a hard tack to port. And we see the side of it. It's just beautiful. It looks like it just came out of its manufacturing slip, the boat yard. The side is so clean. It's like the foam on the side looks like a pattern painted on the side. And there's no one on deck. It looks like it's 300 feet long. It's gorgeous, gorgeous mask, sails are all furl. And there's a lady on the back. And that's sort of like, I'm in a one-piece peach bathing suit with a little silky kind of wrap around the waist tied. And a big hat. And a big hat. And she's leaning on the rail. And we're like waving. We're just like, could you sell us ice? Buy ice or more like that. No, nothing. Just keep on going. But I saw the name of the vessel as it left. And the name of the vessel was Vertigo. And as soon as I got to port, I popped open Marine Traffic. And I'm like, who owns that boat? Who did not stop to help someone who was signaling them? Not in mortal distress, but like, hey, we could use some help here. Rupert Murdoch. And I think that was Jerry Hall on the back. Isn't that fun? Beautiful vessel. Man, it's got great taste. Marine Traffic. Highly recommend it. Yeah. Yeah. Spring for the premium. Oh, OK. We'll do it. We'll do it. And we'll get that sponsored. OK. Exercise. Is it worth it? We're back to retired questions from the questionnaire. Is exercise worth it? Yes. It is, I think it is. It is. Yeah. It feels good when you're doing it. I mean, it feels good when it's over. Sometimes when you're doing it, never right before you do it. No. No. No. You're doing it for life now, and then you go to do it. And that's when it usually sucks the most. Yeah. When you thought you were going to like it. Yeah, exactly. And then, but if you know you're not going to like it, then the amount you dislike it is not as much as you would feared. Yeah. I would recommend going into all exercise highly reluctantly. Yeah. Because then, however much you dislike it is not as much as you had placed on your disgust of it. And then when it's over, you feel great. You go, I do this all the time. This is what I do now. Yeah. I just do this now. Totally. You know? I'm going to get like shorts. You know what I mean? Totally. I'm getting the bottle. I'm going to get like the tight jacket and everything. I might actually road ride. I might actually get to like, you know, I might actually like, this might be my life now. That's how I feel every time I do it. Because I like walking around on those clack, clack, clack, clack shoes. Like they're super unbalanced tap shoes. And then they don't. But it's so worth it. You feel so much better. Obviously, if there was a pill that gave you what exercise did, every doctor would prescribe it to every patient no matter what their present condition was. And so of course it's worth, of course it's worth doing. Many things are worth doing. And you know what else even, you deserve those shorts. You know, you should buy those shorts. Thank you. Yeah. Maybe I have, maybe, maybe now that I'm not doing a show every day. I'm going to get swole. I don't know about you. I might get, I might actually, my shoulders might creep wider than my hips. Not like, not a V, but at least like an L or an I. Jim is job now. Jim is job. Jim is job. I think I know the answer based on how you phrased the question. Flat or sparkling? Sparkling. Yeah. I mean, because you wouldn't flat, you'd say still or sparkling if you, you know. Right, right, right. Flat or sparkling. Yeah. Yeah. But even still or sparkling makes it sound better, but I'd still go sparkling because, hey man, every moment can be a party. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? And if I have the sparkling water, I might not drink as much alcohol because I'm like, I'm getting kind of my fun there. I'm getting my spicy tongue. Specialty beverage. From the, it is specialty beverage. Exactly. Squeeze a little lemon in there. Yeah. Something like that. A couple shots of bitters. Yeah. Come on. You're halfway to a cocktail right there. That's the secret to success in my mind is to treat yourself to one specialty beverage every day, even if it's just a seltzer in a nice glass. One specialty beverage a day? Yeah. One specialty beverage, but again, a specialty beverage could just be a seltzer or like you put a cucumber in your water. Dicoke. Dicoke. So it's water. You're not. Is coffee a specialty beverage? Yeah, but it's like sort of a different kind of coffee than usually have. No, just like coffee, like normal like coffee with milk. Is that a specialty beverage or is that medicine? I feel like that's a D-fib. That's kind of normal. Yeah, that's normal. That drip is normal. So, but if it's a espresso beverage, that's different. Yeah. Okay. And then the rest of it is water. Okay. I'm sorry. This is your questionnaire. No, no, no. This is a teamwork. Okay. I jump in. I jump in sometimes. Usually just on apples or oranges, but let's not get into that. Yeah. Okay. This is the last one. What's one thing you own that you should really throw out? A great question, by the way. Oh my God. Wish Evie were here. She can ask that question. And I, as a question, I should really throw out, I have a can of sausage. Have you seen my can of sausage? Oh, I know about the, yes. Tell the story. I have a can of sausage that I remember from my childhood. This can of sausage is called Bell Sausage. And I think Bell still exists as a company. Bell Sausage. And I've got this can from, I'm going to say mid-70s, if not early 70s. I remember it in my childhood as a can that was always in my mom's pantry. And it's not that big. It's like, not the size of like the cranberry sauce can, but getting there. And on the front of it, it has a picture. That 70s kind of yellowing photography. It has a picture of Bell Sausage, which is basically just clearly just like a tube of sausage that you cut into patties and then fry up. And it's shown with like one fried egg in the center and like six slices of Bell Sausage or out of fried on a bed of lettuce also somehow. And then it says serve as indicated. It does not say serving suggestions. There's no options here. No one wants your opinion about how to serve this sausage. It just says serve as indicated. And anyway, I remember this sausage as a child. And then I went off to college. And after I graduated from college, I stayed in Chicago and had no money, like nothing. I worked, I was a bad, I had a bad job waiting tables. I wasn't a bad waiter, but I had a bad waiting job because I only work lunches because I wanted my nights free to be able to go improvise. And you can't make any, you can't live doing lunches. And so I had no money. My mom would send me like, she'd go to Costco and she'd buy like a raft of ramen and send it to me. And in one of these boxes of ramen that she sent, and there weren't a million of them, but she decided to clear out her pantry and she sent me all kinds of stuff and she sent me this can of Bell Sausage. And I was surprised at the time that it had survived. And you understand that is 40 years ago now that she sent it to me. And I have kept it. And I have kept it, I kept it, I put it in my pantry. And it kind of is my mom, if you know what I mean, it's my mom's well-intentioned, but poorly informed attempt to feed me. And so I've kept it all these years. And at a certain point, Evie says it has to leave the house. And so I brought it to my office at the Colbert Report. And it's been sitting, it was on my desk for years. And at a certain point, and I don't know what changed, it started to swell. And so the ends started to budge so it wouldn't sit true anymore. It kind of rocked back and forth. I think we got a couple of pieces of tape on the bottom. Oh, and what happened is the top started to leak. It started like fizz and leak a little bit. And then the bottom can went back up. So it sits true again. It's a science experiment. Yeah. And it's like, I still have it. And it's still on my bookshelf in my office. And I don't know, maybe I should auction it for charity. No, you got to keep that. But that's really, it really should go. You know what I mean? It should go like a science chemically. Chemically. But emotionally no. Emotionally can't get rid of it. But one of my children, you can't burden your children with like, it's only going to be like an 80-year-old can of sausage by the time I died. You have to like coat it in some kind of embalming. I could put it in like an epoxy, like one of those plexiglass blocks. You know what I mean? Those clear epoxy blocks. I'll say one thing is that I was actually going to talk to the cold team today, the people who do the cold opening of the show. And as I was walking in right outside their office, there's every scene that Roman armor that's on the, that Roman armor, so this leather Roman armor. And I grabbed the, you know, the horsehair crested helmet and I put it on my head and I walked in to take the pitches from the cold team. From the cold team dressed as a Roman general or something. And I thought, what am I going to do with this? Like this was made for me during the cold, a lot of things were made for me during the Cold Bear Report. And this is like, got like a medallion on the leather like chest piece that is my head struck on a coin in the medallion and everything. It's all part of that, that cult of personality associated with the Cold Bear Report. I think I should give that away. Or maybe we, maybe we auction that off. Because there's so many things like, what do you, what none of this stuff. I mean, I'm very grateful for the people who wanted to play games with this. But really is, that's the great thing about anybody sends you anything. It's not so much as a gift for you is that they played the game of your show. That's it. It was like, it was the interactive before there was interactive. Like they played the game of the show and a lot of people played the game of that character. And I've got so much of that stuff that I'd still love, but I've got no reason to keep any of it unless I'm going to open the Stephen Colbert Museum of Gift Shop. Which we did in Colbert County, Alabama, on the old show, which is also the home of Helen Keller. And up till then, the most famous thing was the Helen Keller Museum of Gift Shop, or the house, whatever like that. And so we opened it in competition. We got the Helen Keller girl to come over to my museum. And Paul Dinello, who was one of our producers here, a writer, used to play a guy named Tad, the building manager on the old show. And he went there to open a new thing. And he had her spell out Colbert in his hand, like water, like, you know, from The Miracle Worker. It was very strange. And the audience enjoyed it. And the crowd applauded down in Colbert County, Alabama. Amazing. I remember that we used, when we presented it, we'd used Sweet Home Alabama as the theme song to the whole piece. And after a while, I said, that's great. How do we get the rights to Sweet Home Alabama? And the producer goes, I'm sorry, the what? We flirted with the devil on that show so much because we didn't know, we had never produced one of these before. We didn't know you had to go get rights, you know, to, you know, sexy back. I just wanted to dance. So anyway, that's something. I mean, there's so many other stuff I should give away. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're doing it with the Home Shopping Network. You know, get on the eBay and try to buy something for your loved ones. I just think we need to get a little more aggressive about it. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's spring cleaning. Yep. We're going to do it. Okay, so those are Steven's answers. Those are four? Those are the four answers to the retired questions. We're going to play a questionnaire now. This is Jon Stewart on Little H.O.P. Hot Show. Jon Stewart's here, everybody. I love my friend. And you are my friend. You know, I love talking to it. We've known each other for many years. Many. But here's the thing is that, yes, human interaction in the real world is nice, but to truly know someone, you have to interview them on a talk show. That's correct. That's when they're most revelatory. You and I have spent many hours talking on the phone, person over meals. But do we really know anything about each other? I don't know. So what we've done here is that I'm going to give you the Colbert questionnaire at the end of which you will be fully known. Are you prepared to be revealed? Open book, Steven. Open book. Let's see. Here we go, Jon. First question of the Colbert questionnaire, brace yourself. Jon Stewart. All right. What is the best sandwich? Oh, jeez. I mean, that's... You know... We're not playing here, Jon. So you can't answer that question in terms of a particular sandwich. It has everything to do with... The best sandwich is one that understands the bread to ingredient ratio and does not... So I can't say to you... You can't do a hoagie. Can't do a hoagie? Are you in America? Of course you can do a hoagie. I don't know. There's a lot of... That's a big bun, man. It's not a big bun. Steven, have you had a sandwich? I've had a few. I've had a few. Okay. Yeah. Whether it be a po-boy or a hoagie or a Kaiser or something on Mothalata, it doesn't matter. What matters is the ratio of ingredient to bread and the addition of your liquidity, whether it be a condiment or... A pickle, I'd say. Well, a pickle is a tremendous... I mean, that's a bold addition. It's... What's nice about the pickle is you're getting a flavor addition, but also a textural jolt, if you will, that breaks in. So what happens is your mouth comes through the bread, generally fresh, somewhat soft. So in your mind, you're like, oh, I've got this. Sure. But then you hit that mother-f***er pickle. Ah! And you then it's, hello, I want in, and you got to really work, and when you get through it, bursts, and you just... So what was the question? Question two. All right. What is the percentage? Can you give a percentage of bread to ingredient? Yes. So it's got to be, I think your range is 65 to 75% ingredient. This is correct. This is correct. What's the one thing you own that you really should throw out? Everything I wear. What is the scariest animal? Oh, okay. This is interesting. Scariest animal. So it's got to be an animal. It's got to be a land animal. It can't be something from the sea. Animals in the sea are still animals, John. No, they're not. They're not robots. They're fish. No, they're not. Fish are animals. No, I don't think so. Fish are animals. Are fish animals? Yes. The people have spoken. I disagree. So a shark is not scary? No, it is. So here's the problem with the shark. And here's the problem with fish in general. It's the medium in which they travel. Because everything is scary when you have no visibility. You know what I just realized? I'm just a crazy old man off the street. Okay. So I'll buy. I got a glimpse of me on the camera and all of a sudden I was like, didn't I give that guy money the other day? Right outside of the West 3rd Street subway station. So land animal, what is the scariest animal? I ask you, sir, at long last will you not answer my question? What is the scariest animal, John Stewart? Give me time. I've given you a lot of time. I'm going to say cat. Just a cat, a cat. Not a tiger, a cat. And why is it terrifying? Because the tiger is not in your house. The cat is a killing machine. I forgot the premise of this question is that you never leave your house. So nothing can be terrifying to you unless it's actually inside. That's correct. Okay. And I would never let a tiger or a panther in the house. It's what I've said to my wife. My wife, animal rescue, loves the animals. But I have drawn the line at predators. She'll, oh, we need to rescue a sheep or a goat or a pig. That's fine. I'm waiting to come home one day and be like, there's a puma in the garage. So that's disallowed. Okay. So, but cat, killing machine, and it will murder all over the neighborhood, and it will bring it to you and put it on your bed as if to say, you better keep feeding me. Or I will rip you to shreds. Got it. Cats, let me say this. And these people know. These, these people aren't fools. They know the cat is the skin. I said it and it was a laughter of recognition. When we come back, John Stewart tells us what song he'd listen to for the rest of his life. Welcome back everybody. And now the dramatic conclusion of the Colbert Questionnaire with my friend, Mr. John Stewart. Apples or oranges? Apples. Yes, correct answer. Can't put peanut butter on orange. What do you think happens when we die? Uh, very little. I mean, I mean, if, here's what I would say, and I would say this. What's happening when you move, but you don't. So clearly there's nothing going on. Favorite action movie? I'm not a favorite movie guy. There's a lot of responsibility taking the questionnaire. Oh God. Finding Nemo. That's an action movie. I know. It is an action movie. Yeah. I don't, I'm going to, oh. You can go with Finding Nemo. Define action movie. Because if I, action movie, they're generally speaking something explodes in an action movie. Okay. Or someone falls from a great height. Or there doesn't have to be gun play. I, can I tell you something? Yes. What you're talking about right now sounds very good. Do you have a favorite smell? The beach. Beach, okay. Least favorite smell? Some of the things you find on the beach. Exercise. That's by the way, New Jersey based question. Got it. That's resonating. That's resonating with this crowd. Laughter of recognition. Exercise, is it worth it? Please. Laughter. Flat or sparkling? Oh, flat. What? Flat. What sort of unholy, why would you ever aerate a beverage? Why would you ever condense bubbles? Oh, this is delicious and very refreshing. You know what? Let's just, I don't know, aerate it. Laughter. What else do you do that you consume that you aerate? You put bubbles in anything else. Marshmallows. You aerate marshmallows? They're just air. They're mostly like foam. Yeah, they're, they're, they're, they're made that way. You don't go in there and air. They're whipped. A meringue is mostly air. You aerate it. You have to put air. Have you ever made, have you ever whipped egg whites, my friend? Oh, sorry, Ms. Julia Child. I have not. Hey, I didn't know this was going to be on your test. Have you ever made meringue? I bet you didn't ask Tom Hanks. Laughter. Next time. I promise you. Next time. Oh, thanks. My last Hanks have ever made meringue. Okay. What's the most. Flat water is correct. Flat water is, well, it is your choice. What is the most. What's the most used. Audio, flat water or. Okay. Who is all, who's for flat? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ready? Flat. Yes. Sparkling. Yes. Can I tell you something? Yeah. It's not that it was more people. It's all that excess air. And they ingest it. Could be, could be. And then when they yell it, it comes out. Next question. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it? Oh, dear God. Why would you even, that's just an impossible. I know. It's, it's not me. It's the lab. I wouldn't ask you this, but they say I have to. This is a torture. That's a question. Sure. Doesn't. Yeah. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. The only question. Sure. It doesn't. Yeah. It shouldn't be a question. It's a, it's a question that can bring only sadness. Ringo. I asked Ringo. Ringo said come together. Oh interesting. One of his own songs. Oh, you know what? Yeah. The song that I want to listen to is the Murang song. And I just wrote it. And it goes like this. Wip those eggys. Baby. Baby. Okay, you got to at least give me an artist. I mean, I'd go Springsteen. Okay. I'm surprised I didn't expect that. That was out of left field. What, any particular Springsteen song? Uh... I'm going to go Lost in the Flood. Yeah, Deep Cut. Alright. I'm going to go Lost in the Flood. Lost in the Flood. Land of Hope and Dreams. Lost in the Flood. What number am I thinking of? Born to Run. Jungle Land. I'm going to go with Jungle Land. Jungle Land. Thunder Road. Thunder Road. Rosalita. Rosalita. I'm going to go with Lost in the Flood. Rosalita is... F***. What number am I thinking of? Uh... Whatever number it is, the time that you all are going to have to stay late to edit this piece of s***. Uh... Infinity. Infinity then. Infinity is the number you're thinking of. Describe the rest of your life in five words. Hopefully, quite, quite, quite long. John Stewart, you are known. Congratulations. We'll be right back. John Stewart, everybody. We'll be right back.
