Nick Rochefort Returns!

Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that I think you're going to be classy. Yeah. Or just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host H. H. coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. She's off doing a polar plunge. Okay. In the Schuylkill. All right. Which I told her was a little dangerous. Dirty. All right, whatever. Okay. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of R.U. Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin, James, Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Shout out to you. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the frigging charts. Yeah, we are. Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time. You take your little tablet out, your little phone, your little desktop, whatever you got. www.patreon.com slash are you garbage. Woo! Love that money, gang. Yes, we do. And, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest back with us again today. He is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in high-end fabric that you got at a second-hand store. Yeah, wrapped in a 24-month prosciutto. I look like I'm made of deli ham. A little bit of gabagool. Give it up for Nick Rochefort, everybody. Thank you for having me. The king is back. Good to be back. In another realm, you are an evil genius. You're a Lex Luthor somewhere. I think we're in that realm, actually. We don't know it yet. He hasn't made his move. That's nice. No, that's nice to say. I'm just a fucking moron. No, stop saying. I'm a fucking moron. No, you're saying. And every time you walk in here, you two start going off. I interrupted you. You're my Rhode Island counterpart. Me and him are deep in touch. You were the same guy. What do you got going on? He's texting me. I'm texting him. You always have good ideas. But I interrupted you in your trigonometry homework that you were doing. What trigonometry homework? Yeah, you were like, you had equations up. And you were like, one second, I'll be done. And you were counting on your fingers. Where was this? Right when we walked in here. He also thinks this happened. He's like, wait, when was I at the chalkboard? I wasn't doing... Triggers, not me. I genuinely feel like if this was the movie, something would happen to me, and you guys would be... You would find solace in Nick and be happy forever. No, he'd be stealing my credit card numbers. What are you talking about? But I feel like intellectually... This guy's a dirty, dirty person. I feel like intellectually, you'd be better off with Nick. No. I would... No, I need someone I can manipulate. I would die tragically. Well, that's gonna happen. Saving a bunch of people. Yeah. I'd get my... I get a hero's death in the movie, but then you guys go off. That's when you find your bag of oranges. Like, what's her name in the town? Sure. But I'm not in Florida. I'm dead. I'm doing coke somewhere. You found coke. We're talking about the town. Continue your conversation with what you guys were saying before. You were saying. I said he's a bit of a man of two faces, and I'm saying this as an ugly man myself. Not that you're ugly, but you go. No offense to you personally. No offense to you or anybody. I have a full head of hair that I choose to shave anyway. You know what I mean? I like the fact that I have eight double-A cup tits. No, stop. Sometimes I look at you and I go, there's a dashing face. Kind of like movie stuff with good character, good lines. You're a man's man, kind of. And then other times when you were saying, I look like shit right now. Yeah. A little bit of patchy skin. No, I have deli meat. My fucking organs aren't producing whatever the hell. Need some enzymes. Don't listen to them, Nick. You got good color. You got good style. You look good. You got the hat. Don't worry about your... You think so? The shaved head. You shaved your head. You mean it? Broads like that. I'm going to say it like a lot lizard or like an ugly stripper. You really think so? Or I'm covering my no teeth. No, I have... No, the organ's working back on over not drinking since the last... It's big. It's huge. Your skin's like, oh, yeah, you can be skinned, but I have cornflake textured skin. Yeah, me too. I feel so bad for ever fucking my wife, ever. You know what I mean? I'm like, you should, if I was ever having sex with my wife, my wife should shoot me from below me. You know what I mean? She should be like, ah, ah, wham, for even thinking I could. I know. Someone's attracted to me. I'm like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, literally. How damaged are you, or blind? My big thing of getting married, I was like, I'm so happy I don't have to reveal this to anyone ever again. There's like, that reveal's done. She's as comfortable with it as she's going to be. We're on residency, baby. Yeah, and I'm not going to, I don't have to go, this is it. Ta-da! No new material, just a couple of shows in Vegas a couple times a week. You get comped at the tables. Boom, a magic trick. I made you throw up inside your mind. Not too bad. I do have one thing that I, you know, obviously you're a man of many stories. Eclectic guy. Yes. Smart guy. Business. Fashion. Style. You are. Don't give me that shit. As I'm dressed like Rocky 1 right now. See, stop. Stop. I look like I'm about to run up the steps. You know that looks hipster. I would say. I bet you Luke would take you. You would take him down to one of your spots in the Lower East Side, right? We'd go to the Monkey Bar and eat the best burger in the state. Or we'd go get free tables at the Polo Club or whatever. Wait, is the Monkey Bar a real spot? Yeah, it's a hard to get into spot. Very tough res. Yeah. What's the toughest res in the city? You know. You stink. I mean, for Charles, easy. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's like. We can't get that? No. President can't get that. You couldn't get me in a carbone for my birthday, you loser. We got you a jar of sauce. Just as good. It's just as good. We got you some of their frozen raviolis. Yeah, microwave Prince fucking rigatoni. You stink. I do stink. You got me over with Smith and Lewinsky like an asshole. Yeah, waiting table. Here's my one thing. I pride ourselves on getting the dirt, right? And obviously you threw a lot of curveballs, a lot of wacky fucking stories. Strange guy, man. But one thing that we missed that I was shocked at was somebody said, how did you not get to Nicky Two Guns? Oh, God. Do you know about Nicky Two Guns? No, but I like it. No, this is going to get way better. All right, so you guys got a bunch of cool. I had no idea. This is garbage. You can always say, what's the worst tattoo you have if you have any tattoos? There's never been good answers, though, honestly. There's never been good answers. Not this good. The show is made on this. We've never really asked about tattoos that much. There's never been. I'm shocked. You know what realm we do put the tattoos in? If somebody or relative has the Looney Tunes. Looney Tunes. Looney Tunes or Disney. Tweety Bird. Anything below the knee. Yeah. The calf is bad. Any words like loyalty, respect, time is money, only God can judge me. Progress? Oh, my God. What the fuck? Those are my two guns. Why is one a revolver? That's because it has my parents' date on it and my dad liked Westerns. Wait, your parents' date? Does that say progressive? It's just progress. I was a real poet. It gets better. It gets better, guys. This is crazy. Now, when you're 14, when you live in the hometown that I grew up in, you know the rich lacrosse hometown that I grew up in, you find a tattoo artist that tattoos children for $75. So for $75, I got... It must have been great. Check this out. Oh, my... Rochefort on... Now, that should have been Old English because when we were kids, Mark McGrath had Irish tattooed on his shoulder blades, and we all wanted that. And then the guy from the Flies video had the other one, his name. Now, you couldn't. The reason why that's not Old English is because. You mean I got you where I want you? Yeah, yeah. Remember the Flies video? You were like, man, that's a cool tattoo. That guy was. That gothic lettering. That guy was smoking hot. Right. Old English. He was like, Old English was the shit. But when I asked my tattoo, Fatty, the guy who tattoos children in a tattoo shop, a.k.a. a third story walk-up apartment building where I was tattooed on a weight bench where I rode my bike to and I paid him in cash. So not a real classy operation. Not a clean operation either. But, no, the reason why it's not Old English is because when I asked him to do my last name in Old English, she said, I don't know how to do Old English. I'll just do something badass that everybody likes. I'm getting middle-aged English. Yeah, and that guy ended up dying from hepatitis, so that's cool. Well, you survived that. Yeah. There's a pretty good chance you could have got hepatitis. I'm a 40-year-old guy with a 26-year-old tattoo, so I'm still alive. And my wife has hepatitis, but she got it from me. Really? She got it from that tattoo. No, I wish. No, I wish. Wow. I forgot about hepatitis. I forgot I had to worry about that. You think you got it? Yeah. Fuck. You have it now. I was going to say. Did you look at his tattoos? I was going to say those tattoos. Man. Awful. Wait, why the two? Are those guns you've owned at some point? No. They're just too random. Progress? What's progress? I was like, I wanted graffiti lettering. I was a graffiti guy. Oh, wait. What was your tag handle? Oh, God. There was a million of them. Wait, what? This is crazy. How did we miss all of them? You were just talking about accordion direct, D-I-R-E-K. And then I would do like, it was really, I used to do it. I loved it. I didn't spray. I was always like a marker guy. You know when you're like a snowboarder piece of shit kid. Wait, hold on. X Games. Yeah. Gravity Games, dude. Mountain Dew, dude. Backside. Code Red. That was me, and I'm like, come on. Crunchwrap Supreme, everybody. Well, I gotta, culturally. Hold on a second. We're moving too fast. That shit hit heavy. Dude, that fucking dirtbag lifestyle. When we were kids. Dude, anything. I mean, that was like, dude, to spray paint, to be a graffiti guy, old English, young tattoos. Frosted tips. I will say this. We had these. I had all of them. I'm 10 years older than you guys. Wiser. And I used to really, really shit on you. As far as when you were younger. Those guns are pretty cool. I'm kidding. I got to be honest. Hi, tattoo artist. But this guy Fatty sounds all right. Now where can I get this hepatitis everyone's talking about? Dig him up from his non-grave. When you really think about it, the machine really threw it at you guys hard. Dude, media started all that. It was so focused. American Pie, Maxim Magazine. Maxim, FHM. There was like 10 magazines on being a dude. All the processed food you could handle. High fructose corn syrup. New flavors coming. Extreme flavors. Extreme flavors. Dude, there was drinks just to drink while you played video games. How was I supposed to survive? We were militarized. I mean, it was a military operation. They were teaching us how to please women. You know, with Max and Max. You do the alphabet with your tongue. It was like an instructional. They don't like that? Backside. Hang on. That's a good tip. Alphabet. Yeah, alphabet with your tongue. And then Carmen Electra will want to bang you right away. Yeah, you guys got hit pretty hard. Tara Reid. But the problem is you get Tara Reid 2026, not 2030. She had a bounce back, though. Yeah. She did a little bit. Yeah, her head hitting the nightstand in a hotel after a Dubai prince kicked her. Yeah, forget about that. You had Tara Reid. You had Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yeah. Man, you guys didn't stand a fucking change. No. We were dead in the water, bro. Dead in the water. Not a fucking change. Radicalized garbage. Yes. It was tough for us. We had Jason Biggs on a countertop fucking a pie. I mean, we were screwed. Shannon... Shannon Elizabeth. And that was like mainstream. That wasn't even like, this is counterculture. That was like number one in the box. Forget about what was going on the LimeWire at the time. Right, boys? Yeah, we was stealing music, for Christ's sakes. Guys, Napster's going to jail for that. I mean, then we had the precursor. We had Camp Nowhere. What was that? Remember Camp Nowhere? That was when the kids steal their parents' money for going away for summer camp, and they make their own camp with Christopher Lloyd. And then that was the first time you saw Kiss Kiss. Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. That was like, oh, whoa, French kissing. That was a little illicit. I thought you were talking about some dark web shit, which I don't want to know. No. I don't want to know what you know. You don't want to know what he knows. Not in the Epstein era. No, no, no. Jesus Christ. Okay. Well, how many tattoos total would you say? Well, I haven't gotten a tattoo in 20 years. That's good. That was the last one I got. How old were you when you got the progress tattoo? I was 19. And what did it mean? Forget about the style. What did it mean? Nothing. I have ethic and optimism tattooed on this one. Man, it's always worth it. I thought it was like memento when I was 19. I was like, you need to remember these fundamentals to keep your life on point. If you tattoo these words on your arm, you will forever be... He's crossing his eyes like Buddy Hackett. Yeah, it's like just a real jock poet. Like, I was desperately. But you were sincere about it. Yeah, I thought it was cool. Like, I thought it was a lot of progress. It was, dude, it was cool. Yeah, I guess it was. It was, my boy, I remember my boy got loyalty tattooed on him. It's the same thing. And we were like, and at the same time, he was fucking our other friend's girlfriend. And I was like, dude. That's not loyal. Even then, at this point, I was like, you're going against the code, man. It's on your arm. He's like, lions never sleep. Yeah, that shit. Lions were big. Clocks. Lions were big. Yeah. Like, these are, like, I know you, trust me, I get it. It's the cringiest thing that I got. I mean, it's literally like. That's the coolest thing. If you ask me, it's the coolest thing I got. It's fucking great. It's like the program, the movie level, like, sentimentality. It was, like, just the thing to do. You know, it's embarrassing as shit. The program came out in 1993. Damn it. My senior year of high school. The best movie of all time. Playing football. Our whole team, we went and saw it, like, four times. It was great. We were in. How many of you wanted to be Latimer? Oh, everyone. Juicin'? Yeah. Leading me? You're leading me on! Oh, God. I love that. That's right. Latimer's a great character. Psycho. Yeah. Yeah. So I get it. So at the time, it was. And now you're flipping to the ironicness of it. Jamie Foxx had the guns in any given Sunday. He did? Yeah. On his back. On his back. On his back. And I was like, wow, that's a cool tattoo. I want that. And I remember telling the guy. Did you own any guns at the time? I don't even own a – I have one gun now, and I like it for – I don't even know where it is. I don't even know what it is. I own a gun like a pride parade. I'm like, oh, that thing makes loud noises. I got a wrist racket. Yeah. It's not good. Like my – I think they look cute. Sure. So you got – okay. I like guns like people like – yeah. So that was your last tattoo? Yeah. I'm going to go get more now. I'm having – my midlife crisis is going to be a full back tattoo full of Russian prison tattoos. Why? You can't – I want them. I'm having a crisis. There's only God that can judge them, dude. I need to look smacks. That's progress. I would advise against that. Really? You can't go faking Russian mob tattoos. What are you, nuts? You do whatever the fuck you want. They're not here. They're not here? Stay away from Brighton Beach then. Really? And you didn't hear that from me? Oh, you did look at this. And Saint Petersburg? I wouldn't do that. No? No. Get like couches and stuff. You're also not a cool dude. You're right. Me and Nick are bullies. Why don't you? You should get the Ames chair tattoo. Yeah, that would be cool. Do shit like that. Get the Ames chair. That'd be cool. Get the Ames chair. But you're into that stuff, and you make that stuff cool. Yeah, I wish. No, no. I think I'm having a full-on, I'll get Jesus pieces and Christian and Catholic pieces. Did you ever own any? Did you ever own a chain with a charm? We called them charms. I never had a chain. Never did a chain. My brother does chains. I don't do chains. I wish. I feel like it would get me claustrophobic. They're back heavy. Get a nice cross like this. I would. I want that. Bert has a nice one, too. Bert has a nice thin gold one with a saint and a cross. Really? Yeah, it's sharp. Hmm. That's what you should be doing. I should get a chain. I'll go to the 47th Street and get a chain from Rex. There you go. Rex watches. Do you ever own any, you know, Echo? What was the fashion in ice? I had FUBU. My cousin John John used to get. He was like a big guy. And I was like eighth grade. I got like big. Just fat. I was a fat eighth grader. And then I got skinny. I'd go up and down. You guys were very lucky with that, your generation, too. Yeah. Go up and down. For fact, guys. You were able to do the big sweatsuits The baggy clothes was big The big hoodies every day I didn't have that shit in fucking 85 When I was a fat kid in fucking 7th grade I told you I was walking on that skin tight Adidas Velvet fucking Just trying to break dance Looking like the kid from Bad Santa You were pretty good at it You got like one move down What do you mean you can't beatbox Always look like you were about to start I stunk Yeah I tried to break dance I get it No, I had a FUBU rugby shirt that I remember distinctly. That's probably pretty dope. Yeah, pretty dope. Yeah, it was good. Did you ever do a do-rag? No. That was for the high-level white dirt bag. What about tap-out? You ever do tap-out? Nope. No fear? I had a no-fear shirt. No fear. First place is, what is it, second place is first loser. That was my no-fear shirt. Did you have anything on the windshield of the car? I had an Escalade. I had 24s. What year are we talking? I think you told us about the Escalade. 04. Yeah, I got a DUI in it. That was prime Escalade. I was a big RIMS guy. Dude, how could you not be? But not the banner on the front. No, no. No, like lower. You'd get the lower one if you were really G'd out. I had the Escalade EXT. Oh, the truck. The truck. The pearl white. With the bat in the back. The white? Yeah. The Tony. Tony. The wholesale of my buddy Vinny. Dude, I mean, that was prime Escalade years. It was rap It was in every song It was my dream car And people will still send it to me when it pops up online is like a 2005 Escalade with Lamborghini doors and spinners I think that a future classic I'm just throwing that out there. I think in the next coming couple of years, the 05, because the Escalade, it's a funny thing in the car business. They're already kind of coming back, those cars, from the mid-2000s. You ask anybody who ever owned an Escalade. If anyone was in 96 Lumina, hit me up. They have like a culty. They're like, I love my Escalade. And I'm talking like yuppies. Like tennis yuppies will be like, no, no, no. Say what you want. Don't talk about the Escalade like that, which is a funny thing to say, yuppies. But you should just get one. I just got a Tahoe last week. You're halfway there. Three quarters. When you sent us a picture of that from the inside, I didn't think it was newer. I thought it was like mid-2000s, which I kind of respect. Mine. I was going to buy a used one. They just didn't have one that I liked mile-wise. And I didn't want to call him because he was going to give me the stuff I didn't want to hear. That was my problem. We're going to hunt for you. What? You're going to hunt for you. We're going to find you one from South Carolina. No. Gamecocks coach. That goes against everything in me. You just got to go impulse buy. I walk on the lot, check in hand. What do you got? Yeah. That one. Yeah. Guy seemed like a good guy. I never test drove it. He was good. Guy was fast. Yeah. Mauricio was his name. Gave me a warranty. They wanted $2,900 for the warranty. I said, call it $2,000. That's the way my dad operated. Not that he really knew what he was talking about. He kind of did. But he would go in, beat the guy up. As long as the guy said no to something, he would make the deal. Just show me that you're human. What else was I going to get? They got to make money, too. Everybody got to eat. Yeah. That's fine. What did you get? Tahoe. Tahoe, what color? Sage green. I didn't even know. Mint julep. No, like the tan. Not tan, I'm sorry. The gray. Dark gray or whatever it is. You didn't get black? I didn't have it. Also, I didn't want to look like a fucking Uber driver. That's true. That's fair. That was the only one I could drive away that day. So it had to get that. That's another thing. You were like banging the table impatient like, yo, like real bad. Hello. Oh, you don't want my money? That was thrown around a little bit. Yeah. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Gang, we're coming into the spring. Sometimes it's tough to look around trying to keep it up with the Joneses. It seems like everybody's got everything together and that you're falling behind. That is not the case. Everybody has their own shoes to walk in. If you're going through something, do yourself a favor. Get over to BetterHelp. Kevin and I have both done talk therapy. It absolutely helps. Yes. 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So Cheers was designed for how alcohol actually affects your body, not just the dehydration, which a lot of people focus on, which is important, but it ain't the only issue. True. Cheers has appeared on Shark Tank. Who don't love a little shark? Hey, they've been on Shark Tank, and for that reason, Kippy's in. Today, Cheers has sold in over 30,000 stores, including Walgreens, CVS, 7-Eleven, and Circle K. They sold over 50 million doses, 7,500 four- and five-star reviews on Amazon, and Cheers is backed by doctors, PhDs, and over 1,000 verified clinicians who share it with their patients, baby. So here's the turkey. It's the same night out with a way better morning with Cheers. For a limited time, our listeners are getting 20% off your entire order by using garbage at cheershealth.com. Just head to cheershealth.com and use the code GARBAGE for 20% off after your purchase. You're going to ask how you heard about them. Tell them the boy sent you. Are you garbage? We love you. Yeah. Cheers. We're big on that. We're big on walking out of the store with it, too. Oh, yeah. I'm wearing this out. Really? Oh, wow. I want a new car. I want a car. I'm not driving out of here. Yeah. Give me a hat and I'll – did you do that one? No. I want a Chevy hat. I bought it via email. That'd be sick. I want a GMC hat. I want a hat. Oh, that's a big one. Well, Patriot, hit me up. Yeah, Patriot Chevrolet. Auto Group. They do many brands. Oh, no. I want a regular car hat, too. I tell you what, man. I saw that – this comes out soon, right? The show? The broadcast? Yeah. Tomorrow. Is it? Come out tomorrow? Are we known to can them for a couple of months? I've got to wait until Sweepsweep. What are you talking about? You got Nicky Bones at the table, you get it out on the street. Right. Before I saw the Indy 500 yesterday, Matt. That stat, between that and the F1 show, man, I'm getting into that racing. I like it. I like you in racing. Yeah. I like that. Which one do you like better, the Formula 1 or the Indy? He got me in the Formula 1 a little bit with the F1. I tell you what, man, that goddamn NASCAR. Those guys are rubbing paint and they're fucking going fast all the time. And they were down to the fucking almost last lap and they were all still tight together. Who's the guy? Is it Truex? Martin Truex Jr.? I don't know who won. Decker, I think, won yesterday. He's a new guy. I was an Earnhardt. My dad drove my staff. My stepdad was an amateur stock car racer. Really? Very amateur. Flemington Speedway. A lot of Harvard grads in that audience. Then he put the horse bar through the dang room. Who's running today? I wouldn't say amateur. He was getting there. Could have got there. I had a friend that was in there. How far off from Seelands Grove was he? Or Seelandsburg? About the same, but that's still, you're still far off. You're racing for like 300 bucks. How the fuck do these guys know multiple tracks? We're dirtbags. Yeah, yeah, that's, you guys know more than one race? Is it Seelandsburg or Seelands Grove? Selands Grove. Selands Grove, yeah, shut up. Wow. You want a fun night? Go out there and watch the races. Really? Dirt track, old school. Dirt track with the slinging. A couple of fucking sidewinders. Guys are moving. Hmm, okay. All right. So Nick's a scumbag for the most part. Have you ever crashed someone else's car? I don't know if I did. No. No. Let me see. You know what's a fun thing we used to do? Two things come to mind. Bank jobs. You know when you're drinking. Knock over a bread truck. Vaults. When you're drinking and driving. No. I've never done that. Yes. So we used to drive girls' cars home from bars. We had a buddy's house that was always like, after the clubs let out, We had one guy that would like let. What were these clubs? Sorry to cut you off. Club Eagles. Club Probs. This is what? You're 19, 20, 20 years old. Yeah, 18, 19, 20, 21. You're doing pretty well. Having fun. Yeah, and you're in your hometown. In our hometown, Providence. We're 15 minutes outside in Johnson. My buddy had a house. That's smart. One of my buddies had like a cool house. Talk about drinking and driving. No, no, but I'm just saying. We used to drive the girls' car. Be like, you girls want to come over? Like we were like in the Guido time. We grew up in like Jersey Shore era. DJ Pauly D grew up in my town. Right. So, like, he was around. A buddy of mine, Joe Quattrochi's parents had a small interest in a nightclub where it was a nice place. It was like a fit. Small interest. Yeah, I don't like the way you said that. Small interest. Yeah, I don't like the way you said that. But we walked in like he had a large interest. Of course. That's how you got to do it. People get, like, turned down for the wrong shoes, and we'd walk in there in, like, bathing suits and, like, Uggs. Yeah. Like, jokingly, like, Uggs slippers and shit. And they'd be like, come on, Nicky, come on in. You know, and I'm, like, the poor friend. These guys have cool interests and clubs, and we're leaving. Such a dirtbag. And whenever we leave... That's what you say as the defendant. I had a small interest in the place. Smoking cigarettes in the club, and then you burn people's elbows to get through the back. Did you ever do that? What? Where you burn people's elbows to move faster through the club. When you could smoke inside, you would rip cigarettes, and you would touch the back. And they'd move. Ow, ow! And you'd, like, right through the back to get to the back door. What the fuck is wrong with you? That was so much fun. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was cool. That's how I started smoking cigarettes, because it was cool. You'd meet girls. And then we'd be like, hey, do you girls want to come back to the house? Smoking cigarettes is cool. It is. I miss it. I miss it so much. I'm going to have one as soon as I leave it. Let's have one after this. Yeah, let's go buy two packs and smoke them right there on the corner. And then we would drive the girls' cars home, and we would drive them. What was this? Did you know these girls, or you met the girls? Like, hey, my buddy's having an after party. I'll drive so no one gets lost. This guy's a closer. You guys are fun. Let's not get lost. It's kind of far from here. We're in the middle of downtown. Like, it's fun. There's a pool. We'll have a pool. We'll have a bonfire. We'll go. And we would always drive their cars home. There's someone's garage. Oh, we got a couch in the garage. Yeah, it kind of is. Like, it kind of was. It's kind of fun. My buddy Dave Beeney and Rocco, so we used to bring the girls' cars back. That was fun. And then they would be in the middle, kind of nowhere after. Sure. That's living, man. That is living. You ain't living. You just put a MapQuest thing on there. How to get home. If you feel unsafe, it's just my cell phone. Hey, you want to come back? Round two, baby, already? Huh. One thing that I've never, it's been a question on from like the first week we've made this show, and I don't think I've ever asked anybody, but I feel this could be you. Have you ever done one of the punching bag games at like an arcade, a bar, or a carnival? Yeah. Yeah, the one where you punch it and it gives you a score? Yeah. Yeah, I did it like two weeks ago on the road. You have. Everybody's done that. He answered you that like you were an idiot. You've never done that? I thought I was explaining it wrong to him. Yeah, yeah. You just got a simple, yeah, of course. I got one at the house. John Taffer lost $2 million on one of those machines. I lost $2 million lawsuit on one of those machines. Shut up, Taffer. The place was called Jesters. Wait, is that a true story about Taffer? Yeah, Taffer lost money on one of those. I learned that on season three, episode six of Bar Rescue. Shut up, Taffer. You are the kind. Listen, we both watched a lot of Taffer. I'm surprised he hasn't been on here. Oh, do we try getting him? What? Taffer hit us up. Yeah, he's coming. You know how hard it is to get him? He's not just hanging out. I'll make you a couple of bonfires, Seanfire shots. Plus, he's got to sit out in the SUV for 20 minutes watching this before he comes in. He's open it out with the bartender, Johnny Pips. He's just touching chicken. He's cross-contaminated. Look at that one there. He's touching all that chicken. He just touched the microphone. Shut it down. He's going to kill somebody. We're mid-show. He comes in and shuts it down. Maria Menounos walks in here. She's ordering everything off the menu. Do you have a cocktail menu? That's the problem with the test, though. You have everybody come in at once. Of course, they're going to get slammed. 300 people don't walk in at the same time. Never. And they get rid of those people. See, that's the problem with human beings. You give them a little, like they're, you know, the judges. They start being dicks. Yeah. You know what I mean? I've been waiting 15 minutes for my mocktail. You're eating a fucking Santa Fe egg roll, Eddie. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're eating a fried egg roll at a bar. Give me a break. You used to do a bit of taffery. You know what this bun needs? Palm trees. That's his answer to everything. A butt funnel. You like that joke. That was a good bit. I like you doing the taffer. It was very funny. All right. Bring that back. Cut the whole segment. Send that to me, please. Go ahead. I'm sorry. No. No, that was it. That's it. Yeah. I can't believe. Talk about a guy who got lost in the conversation. I can't believe no one's ever. I think everybody's done one of those. I never have. I always thought I would whiff and then be like, this kid's the biggest pussy. I didn't put myself in the situation. Your wife just hands you divorce papers immediately? She's like, no, that can't happen. We get the precursor to that at our fairs and bazaars. Bazaars? You don't know what a bazaar is? But nobody says that. Oh, yeah. What did you get? Not cool guys who drive Escalades. What was the game? The Holy Savior's Bazaar in the summer up in Wilkes-Barre. It was hot. It was eight of pancakes, 50-50, a lot of gambling. But the fucking thing with the mouth. Oh, the sludge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It hit the ring the bell? Yeah. The masculinity contest. Win a prize pig? Yeah. Hey, that's my mom you're talking about. Her name's Gail. I was going to say that's how my parents got me. Sorry, Mom. She loves your show. Is there any other carnival game you would say you're good at? I claim to be very good at the crane game, no? No, no, I'm terrible at them. I feel like that's the young hook for gamblers. My roommate in college, Mike Malik, I watched him spend like $125 at a basketball. Yeah. And it was to the point, I think he was trying to win a girl a teddy bear thing. Chasing a hive. I'm like, Mike, you lost it $80 ago. The girl doesn't even care anymore. Now you're just watching the gambler turn on. And he's like, no, it's not right. And I'm like, what? She's making out with some other guy behind the tent. Literally. I'm throwing it up with it. I got it. Yeah. She's like, I don't care anymore. He's a Keno champion. You ever walk out of there with a goldfish? No. You ever walk out of there with a hermit crab? Nope. What a loser. No, I know. I'm a loser. Yeah, damn, I'm a carnival loser. I thought you got pussy, dude. No pussy. You never want a goddamn goldfish? No carny pussy for me, I wish. What? Yeah. Nope. I bet you were too scared to get into the salt and pepper shakers, too. You guys got salt and peppers as a fucking con? Salt and pepper is like a very 1950s. It's very dangerous. It looks like an egg, and they both spin like this, and then it goes around in a circle. It's a ride. It sure sounds fun. You boys are really whipping around. Who wants to get CTE? This is made with wartime plastics. See? Who wants to ride the asbestos rocket? Hop right in, kids. Be careful for your fingernails. Get some of there. You'll be in a world of trouble. You know the salt and pepper shakers? I got you, big guy. Where the hell are you guys from? The past? What, you guys got a time machine to get here? That's what... Doing this thing. Whoa. You guys did the jitterbug to meet your wives? Like, holy shit. I don't know. It's just like how my mom would go up on a board and go, did you do the salt and pepper shaker? Like, yeah, it was just what they called it. I guess it was very of the parents' generation called it that, and that's just what it stayed in. I never got in there. I was too scared. No. This is 1980s, outside of Philly. No wonder why the punching machine must have looked like a robot that was trying to fight. You guys were like, yeah, none of that new fanged angle science. Me and my cousins all show up to square off with it. The robot was talking shit to me. Come on, let's get him. Can this thing move or what? I think it'll chase us. Let's get out of here. There he is. I pointed him out from across the boardwalk. Talking shit, huh? There he is. I swear to God. Look at him over there staring at me. So you're the one I've been hearing all this talk about, huh? Watch your square with me. Hey, the two nut jobs from the past are here again. In your 40s film noir detective costumes. Candy apples. Who'd have thought, huh? Dick Tracy and his cousins are here to kick the machine's ass. I've seen it all. Oh, God. Okay. Huh. All right. What was the name growing up where I assume at some point you were an independent rental store, like movie rental store guy. What was that? Major video. Major video. Yeah, it was a good one. You guys didn't have, no, you were Blockbuster. Yeah, we were, I was until Blockbuster came in and shut it all down. We were epic video. Oh, okay. Yeah. I can't remember our hometown one before West Coast and Blockbuster. I can't remember. I know there was one. I just can't remember the name of it. That smell. Remember that smell? That smell of Blockbuster. Yes, I worked at a West Coast video. They make a candle, a Blockbuster candle. Really? Yes. Yankee Candle makes a Blockbuster Yankee Candles. I found that out. We called him. What don't you know? You know a lot. Nah, I wish. Don't stop doing that. All right. Stop discrediting. You know a lot. What do they call that? When you're a... Scumbag. Scumbag, yeah. When you're full of scum and you're a bag of it. Sure. And you're a varsity keno player. You have a lot of time to stare at your phone. I'm really going to get the minutes out of my phone, put my data plan. The decorating, home decor world that you're in. House, all that stuff. Oh, I have a great question. They really. That's a weird transition. Do they not know what to make of you? No, that's a good one. It like when you were saying there that you sat around with you said we sitting around with those guys and like this is the kind of stuff that they talk about that you love What do they think of you He the guy on the other side of the tracks You're like nine different people. He's very edgy. He's a little dangerous, but he knows about candles. He loves his decor. He's a beautiful Nancy Meyers guy. Nancy Meyers. I think it started with my dad, Rocky, who I'm dressed like. I'm dressed like Rocky. It's a good hit, though. He was a, he had a furniture guy, Dick Tricone, and he would work this guy. He's dead now. He would work this guy for living room sets. So my dad would change living room sets like a lady with shoes and shit. So I'd come home from school and he'd have like a whole other theme. Like new drapes, new, my mom would go to the store. Like I'd come home in the living room and be like, what the fuck is going to happen on the living room set? He's like, this one's way more. This one's worth nine grand. I got him. So that was the step into the world. That was that. And then my mom worked at a – But it was always money. The value of it was like once more money. I'm trading up. He took it back in trade, which is crazy. A furniture store would take our shit back in trade, which is nuts. And he would get like – and he would work them. So it started to get like – I'd think about my bedroom set. My parents would let me do like pick out wallpaper stuff. They'd be like, go ahead, and we'll do it. Me and your Aunt Denise will do the wallpaper and blah, blah, blah. You would pick out – you weren't getting like baseball mitts and shit like that? I was. I did. I got baseball mitts. And I would get like the border. Remember the border? You'd get like the Red Sox border. You get the blue bottom with the striped top and the red sock. Remember that? Yeah, you'd have it. That was like a look. You'd have like that three ninjas house. Wallpaper's kind of coming back from right here. It is big. Yeah, wallpaperfromthe70s.com. That's a big website. Shout out. You owe me money. You said 70s.com? No, there's a wallpaper website called wallpaperfromthe70s.com, which is like a really good place to go buy wallpaper. I'll tell you what. My ultimate, like if, you know, I'm not great with that stuff, but I would love to have a house that was like 70s style. Yeah. Early 80s. A mid-mod. Like the way. Mid-mod or is that what that is? Yeah, mid-mod, yeah. The way, what's it, fucking, that 70s show, the way that kitchen looks, that reminds me of when I was a little kid. They're around. Which I desperately want. Philly's got a lot of them. Which I'm chasing. You've got to get it. Which I'm dying to get back to. Which I'm trying to get back to the 70s, baby. Which cast member of Boogie Nights are you going to be? Are you going to be William H. Macy or are you going to be Philip Seymour Hoffman? My wife has got her ass in the cock in the driveway. I'm not going to be Dirk Diggler, I can tell you that. What the hell are you doing out here, honey? He's like, I'm getting laid, honey. I would have been a combination of Scotty and what's his name? The guy that gets killed. Not Aaron Eckhart. Who am I thinking of? The guy that was the dancer. Blond-headed guy. The dancer. I brought it to a screeching halt. Not Aaron Eckhart, but the other guy that looks just like him. He was in Hung. Aaron Eckhart? I don't know. Whatever. I'd be the Asian guy lighting the fireworks off of that. Thomas Jane. Thomas Jane, goddammit. Neither one of you idiots knew that. I never liked a movie. What? Yeah. It was a weird movie. I called it at a weird time, I guess. What, Boogie Nights? Yeah. That's right. Both are in the same age. Isn't that weird? Kid directed that movie 19 years old when he got that movie. He was like 11 when he got that deal. Who? Paul Thomas Anderson? Burt Reynolds hated it. 11-year-old that wants... Of course Hollywood. An 11-year-old that wants to write a movie about porno? Perfect. Told you, kid. Doesn't matter. Get him in there. Yeah, yeah. Verzuurde kuiten, brandende longen, verkleumde vingers. That is how you at least In your electric Ford Explorer Stapt, to get it all over again Ready with a range of 602 kilometers And virtually At least 212 euros per month Book now your proofread on Ford.nl Ready, set, Ford This is one that's come up We did a whole episode on it What do you do or have in your life And it might not be expensive Or super nice But it makes you feel classy On an espresso machine At the house. A La Marzacco. I have a La Marzacco and a rider. What's that go for? Six grand. What'd you pay? Six grand. No, I pay $4,800. Retails pay suckers. Yeah, no, I wish. I called my buddy. That's the every day I leave my house. It was like three years ago I got it, and my buddy owns a coffee shop, Bolt Coffee in Providence, and I was like, hey, man, I called New England. I know you can get a double gang Marzacco, the $25,000 ones. I know you can get them for six. You're looking at us like we know what you're talking about. You know the special machine. We got a Keurig with fucking glue. Yeah, that's got to go immediately. Like that, I'm taking that with me, and I'm doing you a favor. Sal Vulcano is gifting us an espresso. Supposedly. I'm still waiting. Sal, where is it? He sent me a fucking picture. I ain't even seen it yet. Is it a real one? Yeah. Yeah, it's a pretty good one. Four or five grand? I think it's a... Linnea Mini? No, what's the company? La Marzocco. No, it's not La Marzocco. It better not be a... Breville. No. Yeah, it's not going to cut it. No? Nope. Who's Sal Marzocco? Sal Vulcano. Sal Vulcano. Oh, La Marzocco. Oh, shit. This guy's good. What's the name of the company? La Marzocco. It's the one you see at the coffee shop. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, you've seen it. La Marzocco. Yeah, okay. All right. Oh, it's a Breville. Yeah, the Breville. No, you're not getting that. That's $1,000. You're going to blow right through that. The Barista Touch. Yep. Stainless steel. Looks very nice. I wish I had a Sal's money. I'd send you way better. No. You can get a refurb double gang. Like a two things. Yeah, but then I've got to be a fucking barista. A refurb double gang. Two gang. Two gang is two handles, and I find one from this company. This guy's going to be pouring that in two weeks. What are you, nuts? What machine? What coffee machine? You mean the Keurig? Rochard took that out of here, threw it off the balcony. Boys, we got robbed. You're never going to believe this. I got good news and bad news. Bad news is we've been robbed. Good news is I got new sunglies. Two Italian guys. Wait, where's the espresso machine in the house? In the kitchen? In the barn. In the barn where you work. Yeah. Right. So I have the business that runs out of the barn. In the back of it, it has the grinder, which was $1,800. I had to pay for retail for that. That's a standalone product. Standalone product. You've got to grind your beans fresh, they say. You've got to grind them fresh. That's what they say. Tehring does that for me. Yeah, this is all in one. It's in the cups. It's in those plastic cups that are totally good for you. Burning plastic is good for you. And then I bought the to-go cups. I have a big ice thing. And you've got a Stanley. You're a cute little bitch. Yeah, you are. You guys are so much fun. You are a cute little girl. Are you going to Borders after this? Go to Target. I'm going to Aloe to get some yoga pants that look good on my ass. I go to Borders to shit in the back. Okay. I love that. So that is. It's a good shit spot. Yeah. That makes you feel. That's it. I leave every day with like a nice coffee cup with two double shots of espresso over ice with a touch of milk and three stevias. Now, I learned that it makes it. Does it make a double? It only makes a double. Yeah, it's got a double. The portafilter has a double splitter. Yeah. The thing that's called a portafilter. I mean, it only makes a double shot of espresso. And I make them what's called soupy, which is like I overbrew them. I keep it in there too long. You're supposed to put in like – you're supposed to let it only go to like 30 grams or something. I let it like soup up, so I overbrew it, which is like a thing. But I don't know how to order – It's like an artistic choice. No, I think it's like – honestly, I think it's like a scumbag. Like I want more coffee out of this thing than they're going to give me. 30 grams? One of the last places I waited tables at, Snack Daverna, which is closed, I always say it. Shout out to it. It was awesome. but they had a crazy fucking espresso machine and i worked breakfast i had no idea what i was doing i never really knew how to do it right yeah you know what i mean it's like 21 grams in and like this like you weigh it it's all weight and i was like this is so my buddy taught me like a ghost moment he's like holding the hand and like teach me how to do it it was it was pretty gay uh but yeah yeah i'm kissing i'm gonna do it right i never liked women i'm leaving my wife tomorrow Sam Marzano would want it this way. I want to open a coffee shop with you so fucking bad. Let's move away to the Cape. That's a really good answer. But yeah, that was life-changing. That and a decent cologne and perfumes and stuff like that. Makes you feel nice. Which decent for you cologne was? I can't remember if we asked you this. Marc-Antoine Barois. My wife was a buyer for HomeGoods and Marshalls. So she got me on a fragrance early from like a... Take it to everything early. It does. Is there anything you're behind? and he's falling every time I'm talking to you. I wish. Fucking fences, gravel. You're all on the map. Health. Liver health. I got into health in 41. Yeah, right. Yeah, I just figured out that I have organs inside my body. You know Baccarat, the fragrance? Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. I got that at the house. Yeah, you see, you smell great. Yeah. It's nice. I'm using, right now I have on a dupe. A dupe. Smells like booze. All right. Maybe like a year and a half ago, my wife had wanted that perfume or whatever, that fragrance. I think it's men and women. The red one. I don't know what it's called. Baccarat Rouge. Yes. Yes. Is that men and women? It's 500 bucks. Unisex? It's unisex. Most of them are. I've been having a lot of that. Most of the good ones. I just jerk it off alone crying, right? It's a name on my neck special. But I smell good. And then she went and re-upped on it, I don't know, maybe like six months ago, and he gave me a couple of samples. Yeah. And I just found them. Live for the samples. And I have a spritz in with that. Yeah, me too. Live for the samples. I love having the variety. That's as good as the espresso machines. Lucky scent you can get. If you say, I like Baccarat Rouge, they'll send you six that you should like. It's like Spotify. Summer Lighter, Summer Algorithm. It's a little algorithm. You have a scent algorithm. Yes. And they're like, oh, you like to smell like Baccarat Rouge? You like to smell like a svelte NBA player? I don't know what this means about me. Cut. Me, my hormones, my sexuality, or me as a man in general. I think I smell better with perfume on. You might. You know they smell different. And a pair of high heels. And my dick tucked into my asshole. I think I smell better when I'm kissing my husband on Fire Island. Is it me or do I smell better when I'm getting nailed from behind? It's hot, right? It's weird. How do you smell so good today? I swear to God, I do. Uh-huh. I need something. Is it weird or I can only come with a dick in my mouth? Is that weird? Is it weird? I have the convertible top down and I'm holding hands with my husband. convertible. I think we should get a place over here on Fire Island. I swear to God, though, I'm better with the lighter... You're not a musky man. I'm not a man's man. You're a lady. A bit of a lady. You're a bit of a manly lady, I think. You've gone the other way. You're a bit of a butch dude. Well, you did say you turned on that role of a little butch dude like a Rosie O'Donnell in that movie about the buses. About the buses. Oh, shit. All right. I thought you were just winging it. You don't have anything written down. I like that. You crossed my name out. You crossed out his name. When he said Baccarat, you wrote down B-A. Yeah. Hey, don't expose what I do. I'm acting over here. Diary of a B-A-B-B. No, I wrote down, say the alphabet. I don't know what that. And I wrote down major video. This one says, I love Dung. Okay. Guys, we're having fun here. I didn't mean to crush your name. Oh, you think he'd take that person? I redo it in a heart. Yeah, right, yeah, right. You write down Henry Rochefort. Yeah, right. It's just a picture of us on a wedding cake. I'm canceling the tickets to Fire Island for your birthday. Forget it. He's never going to go for it. Guys, you think Nick likes me? Yeah. Are we going to cancel that idea? Henry Rochefort actually has a real nice one. Henry Rochefort's a good guy. Henry Foley stinks. Henry Rochefort got a couple of bucks. They love each other. They're fucking in love. They were nosing together at Skank Fest. I was like this. No, you're the best. No, you're the best. That's fucking good. Have you ever gone to a wedding reception and not the ceremony? Trash. Wow. Dirtbag move. That is a dirtbag move. Dirtbag that that's even open and not the ceremony? Oh, yeah. Yeah. When you're on the fringes, though. I don't mind that. I think there was a different time for that. No one wants to see you at the ceremony. You have to. Unless you're like your cousin or somebody close where you're like, I really care about this. Otherwise, just go to the party. No, no, no. It's okay. You two are mixed up. You ever not give a gift? Yeah, once. And then I've been asked about it. Sorry, Bruce Burrard. I didn't give you a gift. That was a real piece of shit. I went to the mental hospital the week after that. I was in a really bad place that night. And then Peter Potakari called me out for smelling like weed at your reception. I was really embarrassed. He's like, who's Roachwood? You smell like a fucking blunt. Who said this to you? That's my new cologne. Peter Potakari. Peter Potakari? Yeah, yeah. Huh. Yeah, Ocean State. Ocean State dumpster. Fucking asshole right in front of my aunts. Like, real embarrassing. You know when you're high as a kite and you walk in and you smell like blood? And it's like, Roxy, you smell like fucking wheat. And I was like, shut the fuck up. Talk about freaking somebody out. Yeah, yeah. I'm there with no gift. They're going to know. Yeah, they're going to know. I don't have a gift for me. They saw me not walk over to the table. It's a half a box of cupcakes. I'm with a girl that's not on the invitation. Listen, this is what I was trying to say. That's so funny. I think for a minute, for you guys, at a certain point, that did become somewhat fashionable. To just show up to the reception. I don't know about fashionable, yeah. But I don't think that's lasted. I don't think that's a good thing. No. I also think it's very trashy where that's kind of, if there's a wedding where that's kind of the thing. Oh, the ceremony's going to be real small. It's like a funeral versus a wake. But we're doing the ramada right after. Yeah, that's there's going to be a fight. We've glorified the drinking of the of the wedding. That's all. I'm so indoctrined to like that's the only reason you go to a wedding. Did you get highly embarrassed? You ever go to at your wedding? Sure. OK, you know, it's like everybody black out and call my wife a bitch. Yeah, everybody thinks they're the best. Right. Like you're like, I have a nice family. I come from a nice family. My wife comes from a nice family. And then it's here come the fucking cousins. Like the shit you see your cousins do. All my sheet rock hanging cousins. You're right, right. And they're like. Dude, we went to a bar afterwards. And we're like, you know, $20 cocktails and shit. And they were like, what the hell? $30 for a martini? I'll be next door. You know what they're charging in here? Yeah, yeah. Loud, right to the bartender. Yeah. My father-in-law brings a box of decent cigars. My cousin John John grabs all of them right out of the box. Shout out to John John. Puts them in his pocket and starts handing them out like he bought them. Classic John John move. I respect that. Got you a cigar, kid. Yeah, you're good shit. I was like, whoa, bro. That's a fucking move. Yeah, he's like a house. He's like 6'6". Yeah, I can hear him saying, I got you a cigar. I'm like, Mike brought the cigars. The dirtbag move, the real dirtbag move is to just take them. Yes. The mastermind is to go, I'm going to get good credit from this. I'm going to look like the big shot who brought the cigar. Not caring with the guy who bought them. Yeah. That was a wild one. That's a sociopath. Where'd you get married? Where did you... We did a small... We did City Hall in New York, and then... Least New Yorkers I've ever seen in my life. What do you mean? I just don't... I don't get that. First of all, we're not New Yorkers. We're from the suburbs. I know you're not. Clearly. You guys strike me as totally... And then I see you in New York. What do you want me to be like a slice of pizza or something? Yeah, no. We're not from Bensonhurst. Manhattanites. Like, oh, we got married to City Hall. It's so fucking crazy. It was for a green car. Fly out to the Hamptons. Yeah, do you helicopter to the Hamptons? Nobody goes to the Hamptons. Right. He was uptown on 6th and 9th. Who gives a shit? He's not John F. Kennedy Jr. You're right. A city hall. That's very like. There was time. My wife is from another country. It wasn't for the green card, but that was a part of it. Your wife is from another. Really? Yeah, my wife's German. Really? Who I think is here. Did I hear my baby crying? Yes. Oh, no way. Yeah. Yay. That was cool. Wow, that's so cool that she's here. Don't leave. I want to see the kid. I heard a baby crying. And I'm like, that could only be mine. That's so funny. I didn't hear him. You didn't hear him either. I didn't. Well, that means you're like tapped in. You are the father. It's time for you to babysit. Why don't we bring the baby on here? We can babysit while we're doing the podcast. That's a good accent. I like that. We can do that. Okay. All right. So anyway, that's my thoughts on the... Yeah, you got to go to the reception. You have to go to the whole thing. You got to go to the ceremony. Yeah. Listen, I agree. We do have to be better people, Morality. I mean, what are we doing? One of my favorite things ever, too, is... Sorry, real quick, I'm going to cut you off. You can just go to the wake, though. Oh, yeah. If you go to the wake. You can just go to the wake. I think the funeral, to me, was always like closer friends and family. As I've gotten older, I feel like that's extended a bit. But, you know, it's like if you go to the church for a funeral, it's. The funeral, I will say this, the funeral is nicer. The funeral, you're going to feel more connected. And I'm not talking about the funeral at the church or at the, you know, wherever your house of worship is or whatever. At cemetery, you get a cloudy day, you get a nice crowd, you get a priest or whoever that can kind of give it a little something for a couple minutes. And maybe you have little bagpipes or something in the distance. And you look like you're in the November Rain video. And everyone you dropping the roses on the grave Yeah I shredded like a fucking face melting solo Yeah You guys look like Boyz II Men in the back And we both know how it can change Now, do you guys do the hard... No podcast lasts forever. Hey, don't say that. Do you guys do the hard drinking after? No. Yeah. Like the hardest. This is my favorite. This is one of my most favorite setups. and experiences with my family of all time was it was my grandmother passed away. My whole family is from Kensington, Port Richmond. The rich area. Kensington, beautiful. Summer there, yeah. So everybody. High fentanyl there. That's where I nod off. Everybody, a lot of our family's funerals, specifically my grandmother and grandfather's, are still in that area. They're still in the neighborhood at the churches. and my aunt and cousins live right across the street. So that's like set up shop because the funeral takes so long because it's a neighborhood thing and it's so big. So we would go. We'd be going to get beers in the middle of the thing and you're in the back. You got a heater going. People are smoking who don't always smoke. The uncle's coming out like, I haven't smoked in 15. You give me one of them, kid, and you're sitting there crushing beers. It's like 11 a.m. And you're in the row home in Port Ridge. I fucking love it. That is Drinking Hall of Fame. My favorite aunt, my Aunt Corky died. And my cousin Jay's is my cousin. Shout out Aunt Corky. What was Aunt Corky's real name? Colleen. That's pretty close, though. Corky Aunt Cork. Hey, Aunt Cork. Yeah, right. Up in the sky, definitely in heaven, sitting right next to Jesus himself. 100%. And everybody loved Cork. She was fun. So I was fucked up about it. We went to the Italian Workman's Club after and got five kinds of annihilated. Love it. So this is like a world. I'm talking like we're sad. We're hammered. My cousin's my age. My cousin Jay. And we're getting, there's like 15 of us. We're getting like fucking blotto. Yeah. Now his uncle Eddie is a small guy who's thin. A smaller guy. And he's like, I can kick the ceiling. You ever meet guys that have physical prowess at like 55 and they're like. I get high kick. I want it all right. You can high kick? I can high kick. Really? Yeah. I mean, I can't hit the ceiling. But you can have a high kick. I can get the kick over my head. I can get my hand up how you can kick it. I can get your head. And you might have shown that. Yeah, you can kick my head. Awesome. I want you to kick me in the head. I do. And Eddie's like, I can jump on top of a cigarette machine. Now, he's saying all these things. That's crazy. That's such a dirt bag beating straight. Man. A cigarette machine? Not like on the bar. That stool. Yeah. A high top table. I can jump on. Like a cigarette machine is like a little higher than a bar. I'm like, fuck you. Now I'm a ball buster. I'm like, fuck you. You can't jump. What about a table? I don't do tables. I ain't jump. What am I? That's Bush League. My wife could jump on a table. What am I, a lady? The Dirtbag Olympics. So we're having an Olympics kind of thing going on. I'm like, he's kicking the ceiling, and I'm like this. He's like, that's Fast Eddie. I'm like, nah. You don't know who that is? I'm like, I'd fucking smoke you, Eddie. He's like, fuck you, you fat piece of shit. You'd never smoke me. Now I'm at the bar, and people kind of hear us kind of getting loud. Now he's like an uncle. He's my cousin's uncle, so I don't really know him that well. But I'm ribbing him hard. I'm like this. I play football. Wait, your cousin's uncle? He's like, my, on the other side. That should be your dad. Oh, okay. He's like, that's what I'm saying. Right, right, right. My dad's fast, Eddie. My dad was so quick. So he's like, I'd smoke you. I was like, you never smoke me. He's like, watch out. And I hear this lady tell me, like, watch out. He was the fastest guy in school. Should you not? And I'm like, are you from the past? Yeah, right, right. She's kind of like, do you play Salt-N-Pepa? Salt-N-Pepa shakers? So we go in the park. This guy thinks it's a game. Yeah, he's like, I don't even know what the hell that is. So we're like, I'm like, I'll bet you, I'll tell you what, I'll give you $100 if you can beat me in a foot race. And he's like, you're on. So now everybody dumps out into the parking lot. You're drunk. Hammered. In a suit. In a parking lot. On a 100-yard dash. We pace out a 100-yard dash. How long ago is this? I was 26. Okay. All right. All right. You're 26. I was 27. How are you size-wise? I'm 6'3", 258. And Eddie's small, but he's 5'7". Eddie's 5'8", 5'8", 150. But 55 years old. And he looks like a karate instructor. Also the name Fast Daddy. Let's not look past Fast Daddy. Fast Daddy is risking serious bodily injury. Yeah, he's 51 at the time. He's risking a lot of time off of work. Yep. Maybe some workman's comp. Mind you, he's the bar back at the bar we're at. Fair enough. Mind you. So we're like, but I remember I was smoking pot out of a bowl about two hours before that. I saw him whack the bowl, so I know he's fucked up. I'm like, nah, I'm going to get him. Also, you're not fucked up. I'm like in prime drinking, so I'm like, nah, I'm going to beat him. 26, that's a big difference. Also, the drinking hits you. There's a phase of drinking where you're like, I'm fucked up. And then you get to the point where you're like, I could probably fucking do that. Yeah, yeah. And then you go, I can't do it again. But if you get in that phase of. I was in like the, I can win three pool games. 26, you're superhuman. Yeah, yeah. You know, you don't realize it now. But like, I had like, I played football. So I had like a sprinter stance. Yeah. I'm stretching myself out. And people are like, what's Roach? Like, everybody didn't know. No one knew I went to – like, no one – we didn't talk to each other. I went away for school, and they were like, I don't know what he's doing out there in New York. I went to Wagner College, so they didn't know. And I'm sprinting, and I beat him. So we line up. Mark Konseko, I beat him. He says I cheated. I said to him, I beat him again. I'm dying, can't breathe. So it was 100 yards? It was 100 yards. So a football field. A football field. We did a full football field. Fuck that. I was so happy because it wasn't – it was pretty close. It wasn't like an easy win. I was like full 40. I remember every step, like, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. Like, don't look up until you're up on the plane. It looks like you should have been wearing that outfit. Right. I was too drunk. I can only imagine, like, we're walking by this thing. We go inside. Fuck you, me and you, outside. We go inside. A bunch of Italian kids chasing you? You beat Fast Eddie? Cut to 10 years later, my cousin opens a bar, Fast Eddie's Cocktails and Dreams. My cousin Jay. Name's his place, Fast Eddie. Oh, really? Yeah. After Fast Eddie? After that night. What the fuck? I mean, look at that. I was like, you're going to change your name fast, Eddie. We're going to call you Slow Eddie from now on. Don't you do that. He's so pissed off. Was Eddie alive to see the bargain open? No, he's still alive. Hey, Eddie, just remember, I smoked your ass. You'll never beat me. I'll beat you now. I'll beat you then. You'll never beat me. I'm the fastest drunk guy in that parking lot that night. He's probably in his 70s. Yeah, good. I'll beat you then. I don't care. I'll kick your wheelchair over. You're never going to smoke me. You already won't beat him. No, I want to beat you again. This time worse. Rochefort, let it go. Nah. The man's dead. I love how you're trying to talk shit on him and you're clearly just a crazy person. Holding a grudge. Like he's a frail old man now. I wasn't even there that night. Who the hell did you be? I'd be the homeless guy. I reminded my stepdad's funeral afterwards. We were at a bar, the Buck Hotel. Shout out to Buck Hotel right off Street Road. Nice drink. We were there. We did the lunch in there, and then we're at the bar drinking. You know, me, a couple cousins, uncle, like, really fucking drinking. Except that was a big drinker. And he liked vodka. So we're doing shots of Absolute. What? And every time we're doing one, we're putting I Got Friends in Low Places on the fucking Touch Tunes. Those guys. Sitting there just fucking crushing it. I never got to do that. To Joe. Shots of vodka. Absolute. Absolute. Warm Absolute. I never got to do that with any of the desks. And I had a good amount. A pretty good run there. Where I was able to, like. I had a good run of people dying around me. Yeah. To let it all go. and have that night. Like, my dad's, I couldn't because, like, we, you know, it was, like, at the house and we had to be somewhat responsible. That's what we look, my family looks for that, of, like, wait till everyone leaves. Call me this soon. I'll be your date. I didn't want to end up, like, Brad Pitt and Snatch crying, you know, when they were, like, holding him back after his mom died at the wake. When you're burning your mother's, you're burning your mother's caravan. You're lighting your aunt's Pontiac Sunfire on fire. You're throwing a Molotov cocktail and you're a Cavalier. Ah, there's a good she's out of a better place now I got my shirt on You're throwing your Pito Real slow motion It's just me attacking the hoagie tray See you on the phone with Subway complaining Dun dun It's badass looking though Your hair's all wet God damn Shout out to Snatch That was a good movie Oh my god I don't know why he doesn't do anything funny anymore Guy Ritchie? No, he does I just watched, again, I watched the whole thing all the way through. Ungentlemanly Acts of Warfare or something like that. It's got Henry Cavill and the dude from Jack Reacher. Really good. Very Guy Ritchie. I never had you as a movie buff in my head, but you are a movie buff. He likes a movie. I wouldn't say that. I would. I would. What I was going to say is, what's his name? Stratham. Oh, Jason Statham. Yeah. You haven't said anyone's name right. Ratchford. Kevin Bryan. But that's my fucking name, Roy. And Luke Twimsy. That's pretty good. That's not bad, eh? Yeah, that's very good. It sounds a bit in the headphones. He's so funny in fucking Snatch. Turkish. Comedy. Turkish, yeah. Turkish. Not a lot of people named after a plane crash. That was a good movie, yeah. Great. Anyway. Olympic diver. I digress. You have a pepper grinder at the house? Yes. Got to. No, I got the factory one. The one that you buy the pepper, it comes in it. I don't have an automatic one. Really? I would have paid you for an automatic. I would too, but I don't. Can we ask you about your... What's the corkscrew situation at the house? Standard. The metal one, no frills. You keep wine in the house? Yep. Nice bottles? Natural wine. Oh, that's right. French natural wine. Biodynamic. Did you tell us about this? Your natural wine thing? No. He's got a small interest in a vineyard outside of Rock. I've got a tiny little interest in a biodynamic farm in France in the Beaujolais region of the Rothschild, the lower sector. Do you enjoy a Beaujolais? No. I'm not. I like, honestly, I like my white wine choice is. What do you do? Oh, God. It's white wine. I like mineral, like rocks in my mouth minerality from San Ceres. Yeah, weird. Apparently, I'm supposed to like Rieslings, according to my buddy John. Yeah. He sent me a bunch. And I like the French natural wine stuff. Like, what the fuck is that? You got to get a German Riesling. You'd like that. Gamay's. Huh. German Riesling's of the wine. Something right on the border. That's what they say. Yeah, French and Germany. You're a regular sommelier, aren't you? Turkish knows his wines. No, I worked at a corporate restaurant, and they taught you all that stuff. A lot of people shit on corporate restaurants. The whole corporate restaurant? Well, they taught you a lot. It was Devin's. It was Arby's. Yeah, I was going to say. We've got the beef. We've got a Sprite from outside Detroit. What am I going to pair these horse tips with, huh? Yeah. I know. How the hell do you have German Riesling at a corporate restaurant? I worked for Devin Seafood, and they teach you all that stuff. That's not it. Was Devin corporate? Is that? Yeah, Houlihan's owned it. Oh, I didn't know that. Owns it. I didn't know that. I thought it was more like. They bought it out after they had you as a waiter, and you really wowed the investors. Look at this kid. He closed the whole hands deal. Got an onion blossom. This kid's recommending a Riesling from an Austrian Riesling. How the hell did he know that? A Gertzweiner. If you guys need me, I'm in the bathroom crushing up some Percocet. Oh, okay. Oh, never mind. Have you ever been to a vineyard? Yeah. Which one? I went to one on my honeymoon. I went to the Malibu Vineyards, and when I lived out in Los Angeles, that was a fun thing. I saw Emma Roberts fall through a hay bale. That was fun. Deep cut? Yeah. I know. I walked in, and Emma Roberts was, like, right there, and she, like, fell off the back when she was talking to her friends. And then it was, like, the most girly girl day out in Malibu. I used to go with my wife and her friends. And then I went to one in – this is really – I went to one on my honeymoon in Italy. Italy? I went to Positano for my honeymoon. Very nice. It was super nice. And then they give you this trip to a vineyard. I'm fucking hammered in the lobby the night before. Like, Blotto, we're in Italy, no kids. You know, who walks in about... Did you have kids before you got married? No. Okay. No, we were old with kids. Yeah, right. The way he said that was like, no kids. I'm like, that sounds like Pop Pop's watch number. Ended up buying the kids lighter. So we're in the lobby of the Il San Pietro, which is like a bougie hotel my wife got out on points. I'm sitting with this couple, this rich couple. I remember they had big bucks because the woman came home with like 10 Birkin. Big bucks. Like she had Hermes bags. We went to Capri and got Hermes. Really? And they came back and she had bags on bags. And I was like, what's that? And I was like, that's probably like $100,000 worth of bags. Hermes. Hermes. I was like, wow, I never heard of this shit. Anyway, I got to take a dump. You think I could dump in the ocean? You guys shopping? Yeah. What'd you get a? Wow, someone's getting it tonight. Wow, $10,000 bag. You try the ice cream they got over here? It's delicious. You're going to be eating a lot of it tonight, toots. I picture you out of the back of your husband. The hotel pool or the beach with the two gun pets? Yeah, yeah, right. Really? Yeah, I'm there. Where's your vineyard at? They got good stuff there? All right, I'll try it. Her spaghetti's good. So we go there. Who walks in the lobby? Chris Klein from American Pie. Huh. Second American Pie reference today. I'm hammered. I look. The funniest thing I can think of is I go to my wife. I go, the fuck is Klein doing here? Well, well, well. We meet again, Klein. And he's like, what? So I go up to him, like, fuck are you doing here? And he's like, what? Like, kind of, like, nervous. Like, I was like, I'm just fucking with you, man. I was like, I know who you are. And he's like, no, no, that's cool. And I was like, yeah. He's like, yeah, I'm on my honeymoon. That's even creepier. I know who you are. Yeah, right. He's fucking amazing. He's Oz from American Pie. So then I'm like. He's Oz from American Pie. We shoot the shit. He's like, I'm going to the vineyard. So we went with him. We, like, we took a car to Chris Klein at this vineyard. They sit you down at a table. Wait, you took a car with him? No, we met him there. They put you in a car for your hotel. Well, hold on. So this interaction with him, you didn't freak him out? No. You somehow pulled it out? You calmed him down. No, I'm pretty good at that stuff. I met celebrities. I'm pretty good at meeting them. I lived in LA. Who's the biggest celebrity you ever met? Dave Chappelle. That's pretty big. You just walked up to him and said, I know who you are. What the fuck are you doing here, Klein? And he was like, do I know you? And I was like, no, I'm just fucking with you guys. That's great. I met him at my Whole Foods a lot. You like guns? Jonathan Sylvia. Yeah, you like guns? I got two of them tattooed on my hips. Check that out. Pretty badass, huh? No, it's not? You hate it? All right, I'll put them away. Yeah, I'm whacking shit. Yeah, no problem. I was a poet when I was 19. The security guys are with you? Okay, cool. Take care. Okay. So then we go up. So basically, it's like a thing from the hotel. They send you up there. We get up there. Now, this is great. Table. They're serving you. There's like 12 people, 12 couples from the hotel. We're drinking wine. But you don't know them. Don't know any of them. We're all from the hotel now. We're sitting there. Klein's at the end of the table. They bring out this book, this, like, book of celebrities, right? And they're like, Justin, the Tim, and this guy is like, Italians in Italy are like the Mario brothers. Like, you think it's not going to be like that? It's over the top Italian. It is. It's like, hey, the best wine in all of Italy. Not talking like that. Yeah, and I'm like, is this a fucking joke? Is he fucking with me? Danny Aero wants to study right here. Right where you sit. And I'm like, wow. He's like, so Justin Timberlake, have my wine. And I'm like – and then he's like, and Chris Somers from the San Jose Sharks. I'm like, the fucking celebrity list really went downhill fast. Back up quarterback. You know his name, Ryan Leaf. So, like, I'm like – so now I'm like – now I'm getting to the gist that they like celebrities. So I call the daughter. I'm like, hey, that guy over there is Chris. What is wrong with you, man? she perks up, runs into the kitchen, grabs the book out, and they change all their focus to now Chris Klein's there. They're taking pictures with him. And he looks at me because I told him, and I was like, yeah, gotcha. I know you're a celebrity. We're a good pie, baby. That's what you get for ruining my childhood. Make me fuck a pie. Embarrass me in front of the whole school. I knew there had to be a dark angle in that somewhere. All right, we got to wrap it up, though. I mean, yeah, what the fuck? Oh, well. What the fuck? Oh, well, fuck it. You're still trash. Yeah. Yeah. Still a piece of shit. We will continue our examination of Mr. Rochefort. Very soon. At a later date. What do you got for the kids out there? Plug away. Come see me. Please subscribe. Like, come see me live. Shamanicshouse.com for all your antique wares, antique rugs, antique candles, antique incense papers, things that millionaires have that I grind out of their hands. They say, oh, my God, these are my old things. and I say, just give it to me for a lower price. I sell wholesale to the public. Listen, I try to get you the things that millionaires have. And then come see me live on tour. Shamanicshouse.com. Backslash. So, it's called for Realtor. We've got tours. I'm leaving right now. I'm going to Milwaukee, Detroit, Chicago, Birmingham, Alabama, Tampa, Atlanta, fucking New Jersey, Comedy Dojo, fucking Philly, Baltimore. I don't know. Just come see me. Go figure it out. Please get tickets. It's a fun show. Go see Nick, gang. He's the best. Yeah. Kippy, what do you got for him? We're starting tour as well. All tickets on sale at RUGarbage.com. I think we added a fifth show in Tampa. Austin, four shows almost sold out. Get them tickets before they're gone. Nick, we love you, buddy. Love you guys. You're the best. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.