The Most Dangerous Words in a Marriage: 'I'm Sorry' Without Change!

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And it feels so wild because there was an apology. But the problem is the absence of follow through. Today we're talking about accountability. Do not look at this as punishment or shame. But the kind of responsibility that actually rebuild safety and restores intimacy. Because that's what we all want. Isn't it? The thing we all want, especially our marriages, only in our marriages. Okay, we want intimacy. We want closeness. We want a relationship. Now get comfortable. This is going to be a conversation. You do not want to miss. Let's go. Uh, no. Oh, that's better, right, Beth? Yeah. Yeah. She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a $100 million clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business. And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggle. As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids, and everything in between. Hello, my friend and welcome back to Becoming Unshakable, the Legacy Conversations bonus series, a special edition of the Entrepreneur Appearance podcast, a community of strong families building unshakable legacies. I'm your host, Ildi Coferenci. So glad to be back with you guys. In the last episode we talked about repair. Why unresolved pain? It doesn't just disappear. You can't sweep it under a rug. And why repair is essential for emotional safety and connection. And today we're going to take the next step because repair without accountability is just another broken promise. And we certainly can't afford that for our unshakable marriages, right? Here's the core truth. And I'd like to say this with love. Words without change do not build trust. They erode it further. He really does. It causes pain. We're having the trust issues and we're trying, we want to have trust. But really it's going to erode it further because unkept, an unkept promise that reinforces the original wound. It's going to cause more pain and apology. That will open the door, right? It's going to crack the door open, but only consistent action will keep it open. And why is your going to lose that connection again? Now from both a relational and clinical perspective, insight matters. It does because it helps us to make sense of the pain. It helps us understand what happened, but trust is not rebuilt by understanding alone. Trust isn't restored just because someone finally says something like, I see it now, I'm sorry. I don't even like to say the words. I don't even like to say the words. I was talking about this the other day. I tell my children, it doesn't matter how beautiful eloquent the words are. Someone tells you they love you, they care about you, watch how they treat you, watch if they're consistent, watch if they keep their promises. Those are the things that we're looking for. Everything else doesn't matter. It's effortless to say nice things. It may feel good. And if you've been through a lot of trauma, you can get trapped in that. And then you're going to find yourself in a really bad place just because you're going to accept scraps. And that's a different topic that we can go into, but definitely that is something that we are talking to or talking about. Sorry, that is something that we are talking about to our children. And as husbands and wives here, listen, trust is restored when the pattern changes, when behavior changes, when someone shows up differently consistently, right? That's when the nervous system, the nervous system can finally exhale. When the body finally believes what the words have been saying, okay, because we can hear it all day long, but it takes action. It takes consistency. And then our body finally says, yes, yes, okay, I trust it now. I believe it. And I can finally feel relaxed and connected. And relationship research consistently shows. It consistently shows that trust repairs when behavior changes, right? And it changes when it changes consistently over time. Repeated apologies without action. It's going to create emotional fatigue. It's not something, especially, especially our poor mothers. It's not something that they need. The nervous system stops responding to words once they lose credibility. So when we're asking, why is my wife shutting down? Why is she so cold? Why is she not intimate anymore? We really got to think about what's happened before. We got a rewind time and just watch what has the cycle been? What has she been receiving from me? This is why someone can say, I hear you and the other person still feels unsafe because the body believes patterns. That's how we're wired. The body believes the patterns, not the promises, right? And this is where we must be very clear. Biblical leadership is not dominance. It's not entitlement. It's not control. It's not demanding respect. And it's not saying, I'm sorry. Now move on. So I say this because there comes a time when you're stuck in a cycle where you're not being consistent, you're not taking accountability. This could be us as wives or us as husbands, right? And then it starts to get frustrating. So now you're at the point where you've lost intimacy, you've lost connection, and a different side of you comes out where you want to just demand this respect and demand these things, but we haven't taken the accountability and we haven't done the work. Listen, Biblical leadership looks like Christ. And Christ did not demand trust. He embodied trustworthiness. He served, right? Think about it. He served. He sacrificed. He remained steady. He aligned his words with action. It's so important to align your words with action. We're talking about it. He changed outcomes through consistency, right? And it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy. A kingdom man does not pressure his wife to trust him through words just because of the things that he says. He becomes someone she can trust. There's a huge difference. And that requires change, change of tone, changing reactions, right? When you're angry, how just visualize what do you do? What is the tone like? What do you sound like? What do you sound like with her and how do you sound with strangers? What is your reaction? Do you explode? Do you punch things? Are you calm? What happens? So there's the requirements of changing follow through, changing habits, changing priorities. And that's hard a lot of times, ladies and gentlemen, in the beginning of our marriage, there used to be other priorities. If you had a strong relationship, you understand where it's supposed to be biblically and you don't have that problem. But sometimes there's the struggle of the priorities. And these are things that are done consistently, daily. Scripture is direct about this. Husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the women as the weaker vessel, the weaker vessel. This they are airs with you of the grace of life, right? With you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered. First Peter, chapter 3, verse 7. So we don't want that. We don't want our prayers to be hindered. This is a spiritual principle. When a husband is harsh, dismissive or unkind, it does not only wound the marriage, it disrupts spiritual alignment. And God takes this seriously. How his daughters are treated, right? How would you feel if someone treated your daughter poorly, right? Imagine this. So they're treating your daughter poorly, they're snapping at her whatever it is, whatever it is, but it's not nice. And then they come to you and ask you for a favor. What are you going to say? You're probably going to say no. Go fix it with my daughter, be nice to her, and then we'll talk, right? I know that's somewhere along the lines of where I'd be. Actually, well, I'd probably not even be that nice. So think about it in those terms, right? Put yourself in his shoes. Leadership in the kingdom is measured by responsibility, right? Not by control. And spiritual authority is strengthened by gentleness. You can't force something. You have to, we were talking about it before, all the things. It's quite simple, the consistency, right? The accountability. Actually doing what you say you're going to do. And before anyone hears this and thinks this is only about men, I want to say this clearly. Okay, I want to tell you that biblical marriage is not passive for women. In kingdom womanhood, womanhood, it's not silence. It's not using things as manipulation or withdrawing. That's not okay. We have to be open to communication. We have to be open to working together with our husbands. That is so important. And I know that the women in the community, there's been times in their marriage, where this has been an ongoing thing, where nothing has changed, or it's only been the words. And they're in a different spot. But listen, as kingdom women, we have to be open to that forgiveness. And when our husbands tell us, listen, listen, I will do what it takes. If it takes the next 40 years of my life, I will make this up to you. There's been, there's a few couples, and we're going to have them on as interviews, this is really exciting in the future here, talking about how they've overcome some really, really hard things in marriage. So listen, nothing is impossible. If you are both willing to work, if you are both willing to put in the work, I'm telling you that you can have a beautiful marriage. You can have a healed marriage, and you can have a stronger marriage than you've ever had in your life. But you have to be both willing to do the work. And that's what I'm saying to the women, yes, we, my husband and I, are calling out the gentleman to do the accountability, to take accountability. We've been there, friends. We've been there. It hasn't always been perfect, and we're still working on a lot of things, okay? Marriage is not easy. Let's just get that straight. If you've been listening, you know that many of us are struggling. So if it's your first time listening here today, and you're feeling, you're feeling like, oh, I thought everybody else's marriage was perfect. Please know it's not. Okay? A biblical woman is also called to transformation, to humility, to truth, to faithfulness, to rebuilding trust when she has caused harm, right? Scripture calls both husband and wife to renewal of the mind. Okay, not according to culture or trauma, but according to Christ. It's a Christ-like, holy covenant. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. That renewal changes how we love, how we speak, how we respond, how we repair. Right? It's true. I always, I'm just smiling because there's so much truth in it. It feels, my heart feels happy, my heart feels happy to realize this stuff. It feels happy to realize that it's not easy, but it's possible. It's like building a business, it's not easy, but you can't give up on it, and you can't give up on your marriage. There's an order to leadership and marriage that the world has deeply confused. Biblical headship is not control. It's not control. It's sacrifice. We're just talking about this the other day in the kitchen with my husband that sometimes people get confused of being the head of the household, and they use it to their advantage when they're fighting, because I said so, and it even says it in the Bible. But when you really think about what marriage truly is, right? Loving as Christ loved the church. What did that ultimately mean? He sacrificed his own light. We're going through length right now. We're listening to hollow, hollow, and that's exactly what it is. It's almost just a reminder of how Christ loved the church, and the things that He did, and the washing of the feet. We were talking about it that it's not like washing, we don't wear shoes in our home, but what's the worst it's going to be if you're washing someone's foot? Maybe they don't wear their shoes in the house and their feet are kind of dirty, but back in that day, it's a humility. It's letting go of ego. Your feet, you walk around everywhere, right? There's everything on your feet, all kinds of yucky things, disgusting things, your bare feet, sandals, everything, feces, everything, my goodness. So just really think about it, right? It's not control. It's a sacrifice. It's a sacrifice. It's showing her. It's being that example, right? That's powerful. And when she sees that, everything changes. It's not the dominance, it's not stepping on her head, it's not control, it's that sacrifice. It's being the first one to say, hey, I want to be in this together. I want to be in this together. It's being the first one, who could it be? I mean, I know a lot of times, all bring my volume down, but when I see my husband do it first, like, bring calmness, it's rare. It's getting... Well, we're working on stuff, okay? We're working on stuff, and there's no shame in that. But listen, I've heard, I've heard it said in the world like this, don't die for your family, live for them. Right? But scripture shows us something deeper. This is what Paul means when he speaks of a living sacrifice. Not only would I be willing to die for my family, I must also be willing to live for them. To die to ego, to die to selfishness, to die to the single life, to die to pride. We go every single day. A godly man dies to himself daily, so that he may live in Christ and love his wife with sacrificial study, trustworthy love. This is not weakness. This is not weakness. This is powerful. This is powerful, and it is so attractive to see this kind of strength under control. It is, right? Our wives are nodding their head out there. Okay? They are. And this kind of leadership, it doesn't shrink a woman. It allows her to soften, to trust again, to become home emotionally, like just to be soft again, right? Get out of the survival mode, get out of this protection. It takes a lot, to hold a grudge, it takes a lot to shut things down, and you want to take those shackles off. This is how marriage is aligned with God's purpose, right? God's purpose. Christ like love. Christ like love. Remember that. I think that just that visual, the visual of the things that Christ does. I know when we pray, when we pray every day with the children, I ask to become more like Christ. Please help me to become like Christ. Help me to be like that. I hear them say it all the time too. I love that. I love that. And I think that that is the goal for everyone. Not just our gentleman out there, for our women, for our children, to be more like Christ. Not I think I know. Did I say I think I can't remember? I know. That is a confirmation. So why does this matter for intimacy? And here's the truth that many couples are not ever really taught. intimacy doesn't return through just conversation alone, although it feels good. But again, when the trust is broken, things don't follow through, the wall comes up and the wall comes up harder. So it's not built. First it's built what? The satan sheet or something, then it's wood and then it becomes concrete. It's built with concrete. It returns when safety is proven. Think about what that means for your marriage, especially for women, especially for women. Desire is deeply, deeply, deeply connected to emotional consistency, predictability to gentleness. Nothing's more attractive than a strong man with gentleness. Follow through. Say, okay, do, how do I say it? What order does it go in? Say what you're going to do. No, no, that doesn't work for me. Do what you say. Do what you say. Follow through. Okay, that is so attractive. It is so, so attractive. To feel protected. To feel protected. To feel chosen. To feel number one. To be adored. These are things that are so attractive. It's, there's nothing's going to beat it. Okay? And remember, remember, when apologies repeat, but behavior does not change, the heart will begin to protect itself. Because I was saying, we build these walls up. And it's not, it's not, it's not to punish our beautiful husbands. It's not manipulation. It's, it's psychology. This is just what happens. And if you can understand what happens, then that gives you the upper hand to work on your intimacy, your connection. Because it's, what it is, it's protection. It's protection. It's protection. The walls that are built, that's protection. It's protection. So we don't cry anymore. So we don't beg anymore. So we don't feel sad. We have so much going on, especially now that we're mothers. It's biology. This protection. And it feels like wisdom. Because it's safe. It's the only way we can feel safe to build those walls. And here's the beautiful part. When safety returns, guess what comes back? When this, when we finally actually feel safe because of the consistency and the work that we see our beautiful husbands put in, what happens? When this safety returns, so does the softness, right? So does the closeness. And eventually, the best part, desire comes back. Accountability really is leadership. Real accountability sounds like, okay, listen to this and write it down if you need to. And this goes both ways. I said I would change. And here is what I'm going to do. But even better than that, here is what I've changed. I said I would change. And here is what I've changed. You can say it, but she's already seen it. Okay, so you're going to bring the receipt, but she's going to say, thank you. Thank you, sir. I already saw it. I love that. I love that. And here's another thing that it sounds like, I know words are not old. I know words are not enough. Watch my actions. Here's another really attractive one. Hold me to this. Hold me to this. I'm going to do it. That is strength under discipline. That is mature masculinity. That's attractive. Okay, I'm going to call you at a certain time and I do. I'm going to be home at a certain time. And I'm home. You can depend on me. Listen, I'm going to be there for you. You can depend on me. You can count on me, babe. You can count on me. Those things, that is, that is, would it, I don't even know the word, all I could say, because I can't say anything else, but that is so attractive. Tell me that it's not ladies. I see you nodding your heads. That is biblical authority expressed through humility. But when you say it with that strength, that is attractive. And women this applies to you too. Accountability sounds like I see where I withdrew. I see where I withdrew. I see how that hurts you. I feel I know how that made you feel alone. I see where I reacted from pain. I did. I reacted from pain. I was so upset. And I am willing to grow. I'm willing to grow. I'm willing to change. I'm willing to walk differently. Holding hands with you side by side. I'm willing to do this differently. Growth on both sides restores the marriage. I want to say like the dignity to the marriage, but it restores the strength, the strength of the marriage, the unshakable marriage. It's better. Our marriages do not need more explanations. Please stop with them. It needs the integrity. And integrity sounds like words and actions when the words and actions align. Effort continues after the emotion fades. Change becomes visible without being demanded. And this is the hard part because women are always begging, please, please, please, can you do this? It could be the other way too. I know the sound of it when couples talk about it and the community. And they're usually asking, begging, and then it sounds like nagging to the gentleman. And if we could just look at it in a different light and put the work in together, that's going to be how the trust returns. That's going to be how the safety rebuilds. And the intimacy revives. That's what we want. Let go of the pressure. Let go of the fear. OK? Let go of that. What we need is steady transformation. If you're listening and thinking, we have failed at this. Just take a breath. Take a breath. Repair is not built in a day. That's the relief to hear today that repair is not built in a day. It is built in daily decisions. That's the difference. Trust requires direction. Small and consistent shifts, repeated over time. It's like a dance. And it's beautiful. It's beautiful. It feels intimidating. It does because you have to drop all ego. You have to drop your armor. You have to drop your armor. This armor-based system needs predictable safety. And the only way to do that is to drop your armor, drop the ego, and to do the work. And when two people imperfect but willing, choose humility over ego, action over excuse, and Christ's plan over excuses. Guess what returns? Hope. Trust. That powerful love and what once felt fractured can be, it can become, it can finally become stronger than it was before. Listen, marriage is, marriages that learn how to repair, become, they become marriages that cannot be easily shaken. So the most important thing is that marriages need to understand to learn the art of repair. They need to learn the art of repair. Then you're going to have the unshakable marriage. And it takes work. I just want to remind you that it takes work. It takes a lot of work. It takes hard work. So the hardest work you're going to do in your life is working on your marriage. It's easy to give up. It's easy to give up. That's the easiest thing. And that's what the enemy wants. That's why he steps in. That's why he creates these problems. You don't think it's the enemy? It absolutely 100% is. And more people are talking about it. More people are talking about it. And when we talk about it in our community about the truth of divorce and what happens to the children, what happens with remarriage? A lot of times you have the toxic exes. And you got to deal with that. And the pressure of that with your new wife, your new husband, and it's just hard. If you are willing to put in the work, there's a lot of times. Listen, here's the true confession. A lot of the times we've had chosen a divorce the easy way out, but we didn't do the work. So we're seeing the same problem in another relationship. One, be easy to fix it so that doesn't have to happen. Before we move on, I want to invite you into a quiet moment of reflection. Because insight only becomes transformation when we slow down long enough to be honest with ourselves. So take a breath. We've taken a few today. Take a breath with me. Take a take. Take the breath. Mama, take the breath. OK, dad's take that breath. And if you're able, grab your journal, maybe in the other arm, or simply just sit with these questions for a moment, and let them guide you gently towards the kind of honesty that begins rebuilding your safety, your trust, and alignment in your marriage. Just don't judge yourself. These are tough questions, OK? When have I apologized without changing? Also, where? So add, add where? Where have I apologized without changing? What pattern needs accountability? Not another conversation. Do you know it? This is your personal truth. What pattern needs accountability? What would consistent change actually look like in my daily behavior? This one's a hard one, but it's important. Where has my spouse stopped believing my words? This usually leads to a fight. So this is your truth. Where has my spouse stopped believing my words? Why? If I were in my spouse's position, what would make me feel safe again? What small, consistent action could I begin today that would rebuild trust over time? I know it's going to take time, but what's the small, consistent action that we could begin today? Where might my spouse be carrying pain? I still have not fully acknowledged. It's a good one. Where might my spouse be carrying pain? I have not fully acknowledged. Why are you bringing this up again? It's been 792 years. Why are you bringing this up again? I want to just sweep it under the rug. So what is that thing that your spouse might be still carrying and in pain about? What is that thing that I've not fully acknowledged? Have I been asking for forgiveness faster than I have been willing to demonstrate change? What is that? What does that look like? What does that feel like? What does humility look like for me in this season of my marriage? If Christ were shaping my response in this situation, what would He be inviting me to do differently? What would He be inviting me to do differently? What would He be inviting me to do differently? That's a powerful lens to look through. So just write these answers down. Write what comes to your heart. Don't judge it. But I think it's going to, I mean, I know. Not I think. I know it's going to help you a lot. And when you look back, once you've put the work in, you're going to write very different answers. If you put the work in every day, this is going to be beautiful. And I'm so excited for all of us. Before you reach for that coffee, consider this. What if the energy boost you're looking for isn't in your cup, but in your cells? 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Well, almost, no, we're almost running out of time today. But I'm so proud of everyone. I'm so proud of you all for putting in this work. This is so, this is so powerful for our marriages. This is so important. So let's come together in prayer. Just take a moment. Hold the baby's close. Hold your, hold your spouse's hand. Heavenly Father, teach us to live with integrity. Give us the courage to change. Not just to speak, but to change, to put in the work, to soften our hearts, strip away pride, help us love with action, consistency, and humility. Help us to do what we say we're going to do. Help us to restore trust where it has been broken. Protect our marriages. Heal our homes. May our words carry weight again, because our lives reflect your truth. We'll just hand all the pain over so that we can do our healing. We trust you. We love you. And we say this in Jesus' name, Amen. Marriage is not strengthened by perfect people. It is strengthened by humble ones. That's us. We're humble. That's the goal. That's the goal to just... We were talking about it earlier, taking off the armor and just making the change. A marriage is strengthened by two people who are willing to pause, to tell the truth, to take responsibility, and choose growth over all that ego. Who's right? Who's wrong? It doesn't even matter where team. Repair does not begin with grand gestures. That's not how it is. That's not how it is. It's that willingness to walk through the mud, together through the rain, through the storm, through the thunder and lightning. And it begins with quiet, consistent change. Start today. And start today quietly and consistently. A different reaction. Just one different reaction. Start with one. And keep going. Keep your promise. Keep going. One moment... It starts with one moment of choosing patience instead of pride. We can do that. We can all do that. And over time, those small, tiny choices begin to rebuild something beautiful. We can have... Hey, listen, we can get divorced. Not from each other, but divorced from the old ways that we brought to the relationship. Let's vow to change that way. Right? And in these small choices, when we decide to rebuild and create that beautiful marriage, what's going to happen? This safety is going to return. The trust grows again. And the intimacy will find its way back to your home. We talked about this before. Marriages that learn how to repair are the marriages that will be unshakable. That's how strong they're going to be. If this episode gave you language to something you've been feeling or struggling with, or gently revealed a place where changes needed, that's good. It's beautiful. And please consider sharing this with someone you care about because sometimes the message that helps us heal is a very message someone else is quietly praying for. And if this conversation encouraged you today, Daniel and Destiny say it best, those five golden stars really do help the show grow and it helps the message get to those who need it. It's like a blessing answered. It's so wonderful to hear the messages in my DMs on Instagram saying that I found you because my good friend or my cousin sent this episode to me. I love hearing those stories. So please leave a kind review. It really helps this message reach more families, more marriages, more husbands and wives who are longing for safety, restoration, and hope. And if you feel called to support the work that the children are doing, you can help sponsor the next generation of leaders. If you haven't listened to the show, it's the sister show, Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show by Daniel and Destiny. They're bringing faith and leadership and screen-free learning. We're all looking for the screen-free stuff for our children. Children all around the world. We were just, oh my goodness, we were just looking at our beautiful little community that listens to the show. All around the world. All around the world. Russia. I think, oh my goodness, just all over Hungary, Russia, India, Canada. The check. It's so, it's all over. I'm going to have the kids read it out, I think, on their podcast because they were so excited. They were so excited. They were so, so, so excited. What a beautiful little community. Anyway, if you want to help support the show, if you'd like to leave a small gift to help the show grow, it would be, they would be so appreciative. And you'll find the link in the show notes. It's buymeacoffee.com, Backslash Entrepreneur Kids. Any little bit helps, and they are so excited. And they're just committed. Twice a week doing these episodes for your beautiful children. And they love, love, love this community so much. We pray for them, we pray for you. It's just, it's just such a beautiful community. Now listen. As we close, before we close, I just want to say this. If you're walking this out, you are doing the work of humility, repair, and growth in your marriage. That matters more than you know. You are leading. You are leading in a way that is going to change the lives of your, the lives of your spouse, of your beautiful children, of your family, of your legacy. This kind of work changes everything. God honors hearts that are willing to be shaped. So keep showing up. Keep choosing truth, and keep choosing love. Keep choosing your holy covenant. And as always, glory to God for every heart that is healing. For every marriage that is rebuilding, every family choosing a stronger path forward. God bless you, my friend. See you soon. Glory to God always. Thank you, beautiful friends, for listening to this, and put a message from Mama. There will tell when you love and care about it. Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast. For young future leaders, ready to change the world and be light in the dark. Listen together as a family. It's God the optional kids legacy show. We know you'll love it. Be bold. Be kind. Build the unforgettable family legacy. God bless you. We love you. And parents, if no one told you yet, let us be the first. You're doing a remarkable job. And remember, you are the hero of your story. Because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only. And it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith-based insight and are meant to encourage reflection and growth. Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships, or business.