the lies i tell myself

One of the many silly little goofy things that we do as human beings is lie to ourselves And I know that because I've lied to myself many times throughout my existence and I imagine that you have too Sometimes reality is just a little bit too real and we need to lie to ourselves to cope and survive I didn't Google it, but I imagine that this is a natural thing. This is a normal thing. This is a human thing It's an inevitable thing life is really hard to grasp sometimes and lying can help So yes, I've lied to myself many times throughout my life and just because it's a natural normal Inevitable thing doesn't mean that it's a positive thing. I know from experience That lying to myself is almost never if never beneficial I cannot think of one time that I've lied to myself and benefited from it. It's almost always harmful Which is unfortunate. It's unfortunate when inevitable things are harmful that sucks But I've come to the conclusion as an adult that I want to strive To lie to myself the least amount possible And I know that I'm not gonna be able to get to a point where I never lied to myself because as I already said It's an inevitable thing and I am kind of convinced that it's like an innate human thing That we do to help ourselves survive and cope with reality So it's not my goal to never lie to myself again But rather lie to myself the least amount possible and I'm kind of convinced that Lying to ourselves is something that's sort of automatic at least with me like I don't make the choice to lie to myself I Lie to myself automatically and then it's up to me to discover that I'm lying to myself and ultimately Choose to discover the truth and accept it. It's sort of a choice thing and what I've realized is the best way to do that is to Constantly self-reflect and try to pinpoint the areas in which I'm lying to myself pay attention to what I'm saying and And listen to myself talk and try to catch things that are lies in the moment Because it is sort of this automatic thing, but it can be through practice I think you can get better at catching it and catching yourself in the act So that you can lie to yourself for less time, you know what I'm saying? It's not about eliminating lying altogether, but rather recognizing Yourself lying and then stopping I think one of the hardest things to do though is to recognize when you're lying to yourself But we all know when we're lying to ourselves, right? It's not it's not like we don't deep down. No It's not like we're so good at lying to ourselves that we can't tell It's that we're really good at kind of knowing that we're lying to ourselves, but not Fully admitting to ourselves that we are we're really good at kind of turning a blind eye but I do think it's a practice in Noticing that feeling and then addressing it head-on when you when you feel it when you notice it Even when it's really uncomfortable and you really don't want to look at it getting used to looking at it Does anything that I just said make sense? I'm not sure So today I thought I'd sit down and discuss with you all Some lies that I tell myself that I'm still struggling to have an honest perspective on and This is sort of a selfish activity for my for my own benefit These are lies that I still tell myself that I'm working on not telling myself anymore and Through acknowledging them. I'm going to improve on that issue Does that make sense? So this is super selfish this this podcast episode. This is all about me Admitting to you all the lies that I tell myself But hopefully I can lead by example and maybe this episode will inspire you To address some of the lies that you've been telling yourself so without further ado These are some of the lies that I tell myself. I Briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by the ordinary Self-care is important, but it can be super expensive, right? 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Let me surf the web Let me go on Pinterest for a bit You know, let me let me scroll on YouTube a little bit. Let me go on Spotify and look at you know, what kinds of Podcasts are trending right now. Let me just kind of surf the web and in my head My idea is like by exposing myself to the zeitgeist what's happening on on the internet now I never go on like Instagram. Okay, that's a step too far for me That's not allowed But I'll allow myself to go on platforms that I consider to be safe for my brain, right? Pinterest is safe. YouTube is safe for the most part. I still have to have Boundaries with all things but I feel like those are the most positive Inspiring platforms Spotify as well. It's like music Podcasts. Hello, so I'll allow myself to surf a little bit see what's going on in the zeitgeist now. I'm not Going on Pinterest YouTube Spotify to necessarily take ideas I'm very against that Especially now more than ever when I when I was younger. I feel like on the internet there was less of an emphasis on People owning their own ideas Like when I first started on the internet, it was all about internet trends Like there were so many internet trends like oh, everybody's doing the cinnamon challenge You know, everyone's doing like a challenge where they're doing their makeup blindfolded or they're doing somebody else's makeup blindfolded like I Started on the internet in a time where everyone was copying each other and it was totally fine But now more than ever there's an emphasis on on protecting people's ideas Giving credit for you know, it's like and then also I've matured as a creative person and I I want to come up with my own ideas That are unique and fresh and exciting like I don't want to do what's popular anymore. So anyway All this to say I'll let myself surf just to see what's going on and see if it triggers a brand new idea because that does happen Like I might see a picture of an outfit. It might be a red dress with black shoes and in and White tights, okay. Let's say that's the outfit I see that image might inspire me to Wear a black white in red outfit. It might just for whatever reason make me think of three different pieces that I own that are those colors and it might inspire me to wear that or Well, that's not necessarily like a creative idea, but that's a personal creative idea I might be on YouTube and See that somebody made a video about Subway sandwiches, okay, like they made a video essay on on the rise and the fall of subway sandwich Okay, and for whatever reason that might give me an idea to Make a cooking video where I make a sandwich like I don't know do you get what I'm saying like I'm not surfing to steal. I'm surfing to hopefully trigger new ideas, right? But you know what the truth of the matter is a lot of times I end up just getting sucked into scrolling I'll convince myself that this type of scrolling is coming up with ideas when in reality it's just procrastination because I'm bored of staring out a window and Thinking I'm bored of thinking And as I'm talking about this which I've not really talked about this out loud very much As I'm talking about out loud. I'm realizing instead of opening YouTube or opening Pinterest even though those things can be helpful sometimes I Know when I'm doing that to procrastinate versus when I'm doing that to intentionally to help me come up with a topic or to help me gather things to discuss or If I actually need to be on Pinterest because I need to make a mood board for something like I know when I'm Using those platforms intentionally in a way that's helpful and when I'm using them to procrastinate. I know that deep down Moving forward when I catch myself doing that I need to just do something else like honestly, I should just Go do chores if I'm so bored of Staring out a window and thinking I should just do something productive that I can also think While I'm doing it, you know what I'm saying like I should go do the dishes. I should go organize my my garage You know, I should go do something that is sort of mindless so that I can keep thinking but I'm a little bit less bored Anyway, okay moving on Another lie I tell myself is that my feelings aren't hurt what that person did to me is totally fine And I'm unaffected I might feel maybe a little bit uncomfortable But no no that that can't be right my feelings aren't hurt that can't be right sometimes the idea of Confrontation with a particular person is too uncomfortable for me to bear. I am all about communication all about it I'm the first person to give the advice to others like if someone hurt your feelings You gotta tell them because otherwise the relationship is gonna be strained and That person is not gonna learn from their mistakes and that's a shame I'm the first person to give that advice But that doesn't mean that it's always easy to do that and I will often catch myself lying to myself About whether or not inaction affected me negatively So that I don't have to confront the situation. I think this is very common I think a lot of people do this But I think it's one thing to be afraid to confront but to accept like oh no, this did hurt me this did bother me I'm aware of it, but I just don't want to confront it. That's one thing. It's way more complicated and devious To convince yourself that you're not upset when you are that's an even more complicated sort of situation to figure out Because now you have two hurdles to jump through number one figuring out whether or not you're upset or I guess it's more like Figuring out how to accept that you're upset when you don't want to be upset and then you have to figure out how to confront it You know or how to handle the situation This doesn't happen to me all the time it happens to me in very specific types of situations it tends to happen to me with people who I'm not Close enough with to feel comfortable Confronting them even worse someone who I've had a really smooth relationship with thus far like the relationship has been almost flawless And now all of a sudden it's not and it's like fuck We were doing so well. I don't want to ruin this streak that we have going like this can't be right. I can't I can't be bothered by this I'm not I'm not bothered by this But the problem with that is is that if you don't address it Then you'll start building resentment and then the other person doesn't get to grow and that's such a shame I honestly think the first confrontation in a relationship is the hardest Because you are sort of breaking that seal Because when you first meet somebody for the most part everything's sort of perfect. It's cute. It's perfect You know and then eventually something will happen. It's inevitable and that first Conflict is the most challenging because you don't really know how the other person's going to respond It's sort of the unknown and we're scared of the unknown and and that's usually the type of interaction that I struggle with That's usually the type of interaction that I lie to myself about but it's so important that I stop fucking doing that because What I know to be a fact is that in order to have a real functioning relationship with somebody you have to break that seal You can't be so precious With relationships that you know, you don't let that seal get broken You have to break it so that you can have a real functioning relationship Where there's an open dialogue about issues. This hasn't happened to me in a while. Luckily for me But I just knowing myself know that if I was putting this type of situation right now This is a lie. I would tell myself because it's a lie. I've told myself in the past And I I know that I'm not over it yet. Like I know that this is something I'd still do so Hopefully the next time I'm I'm faced with this sort of challenge I Acknowledge the lie immediately allow myself to be upset and allow myself to confront. Let's all manifest that together actually Speaking of manifesting another lie I tell myself is that if I say I want something to happen if I manifest it That will jinx it and it won't happen Yeah, and to be honest. I I do think That this one is a little bit Um, this one's a little bit loaded, right? This is a little bit of of ocd for me. This is a lie that I tell myself due to A particular psychological issue that I have Um, however, it's still a lie that I tell myself because I know that that's not how the universe works You know, I mean, I don't really know how the universe works. Does anyone for sure. I don't know. I don't think any of us do but This weird lie that I tell myself doesn't even align with my spiritual views like if I were to Assess my spiritual views. This doesn't this actually doesn't make sense. You know, like It's illogical, which is why I almost was hesitant to include particular lies that I tell myself that are rooted in in ocd or Anxiety or paranoia because they're so irrational that it's like what's even happening But they are lies that I tell myself so I did ultimately decide to include them But it's like it's illogical because I believe the manifestation does work in a way whether it literally works whether you're actually Speaking to the universe and the universe is listening or Manifestation works just through mindset shift. I don't necessarily know how manifest manifestation works But I actually do believe in it. However Sometimes for whatever reason my brain decides to convince itself That manifestation will backfire for me. It will jinx it. Why? I don't know. I don't know why my brain does that. It's just a silly little goofy thing that it does For whatever reason sometimes I think that if I think something in unrelated outcome Will will happen it just it doesn't make sense But it's a lie that I tell myself and I also lie to myself about the opposite So I'll lie to myself and say if I manifest that I don't want something to happen Usually that's something bad or tragic I convince myself that by hoping that it doesn't happen it will it's so much fun. You guys it is a hoot It's a hoot up here in my brain. It's a fucking hoot It is always a fucking party up there. It is so much fun You guys It is the best it is a party It's chaos It is uh, it is it a fucking movie up there. It's like project x Remember that movie about the big party. That's my brain people doing shooters People throwing up everywhere People passing out super fun. That's what my brain is like I wish I had more to say about this, but I really don't because it's a logical I mean, I think the way that I have combatted this challenge is by acknowledging time and time again When this doesn't happen, okay? Like I'll I'll give you an example. I will convince myself that By praying on an airplane that the airplane doesn't crash that that will make it crash Okay, I'll convince myself that by praying that the plane doesn't crash That's going to make it crash, right? But then when the plane doesn't crash I force myself To pay attention to that. Emma look look that wasn't real. That's not how shit works And also the universe doesn't revolve around me. That's that's the other thing that has helped me manage these sort of superstitions OCD intrusive thoughts The universe does not revolve around me. Okay. I'm not the only one on that fucking airplane It's narcissistic and selfish and unrealistic for me to think that I'm Important enough out of all the hundreds of people on this plane I'm the one that's going to dictate whether or not this plane goes down like me me praying and in Thinking about the plane not crashing is going to somehow jinx this plane crashing when there's also Hundreds of other people on this plane who have good karma bad karma who are praying for the plane not to crash as well like I am not that important. I am not controlling the universe. Do you know what I'm saying? Like My actions are not dictating the outcome of everything. You know what I'm saying? That's the other thing that I Remind myself when I when I have these thoughts because it's true um, or I mean, I don't know it depends on on your spiritual belief, but That's my spiritual belief. It's so interesting that certain psychological challenges can actually Cause your brain to fight itself like it can cause your brain to say things and believe things that actually go against Your own philosophy on things your own theology on things Okay, moving on Another lie I tell myself. Hey, this person seems cool. I really like this person I think I can trust them. Why do I do this? I don't know it makes no sense to me I will meet somebody and on the surface level, I'll I'll kind of like them, right? Maybe we have good banter Maybe I like their style, but I'll get a weird feeling about them for whatever reason that I can't explain I'll get a weird feeling about them And I will ignore that feeling time and time again. I will ignore that feeling I will know Deep down that something's off and that I shouldn't trust them And I shouldn't be so quick to like them because something's off But I'll convince myself because maybe the banter is good or we're actually having decent conversation Or I like their style or other people that I trust like them I will convince myself that I like them too that I think that they're cool that I can trust them when I don't have a good feeling about them deep down. I actually don't and I will Dishonor that feeling and convince myself that I like them And what tends to happen is Down the line the reason for that uneasy feeling will come to light and I will discover Why I felt that feeling it's very interesting how We we have a better Read on people than we think we do And see that's where the lie comes in. I will convince myself that I'm being paranoid. I'm being overly judgmental I'm the problem. I'm being weird, but I've almost never had a bad feeling about somebody and then been wrong Ever I think what it comes down to is that I want to like people I really do. I want to like people. I want to have good conversation I don't like disliking people. I really don't and I know that that might be shocking to those of you who Know me who listened to this podcast Because I have said many times before that I love gossip. I do love gossip And usually gossip comes with dislike of others I don't like disliking other people Gossip for me doesn't always mean disliking people Gossip can be anything gossip could be These two people who I really like broke up and I like gossiping about that because I like analyzing their relationship and figuring out why they broke up Gossip for me might be talking about someone's career and Perhaps analyzing it with my friends. Maybe I like this person a lot. Maybe Whatever, but like maybe something happened with with their career and it's like interesting to talk about its gossip Like maybe something that they were working on got canceled or something. I don't necessarily Feel happy that that happened, but that is gossip and it's interesting to discuss You know what I'm saying? Gossip for me is not about hating on people It's about analyzing things that happen. That's I love analyzing things that happen. That's fun for me That's interesting for me that teaches me things about myself in the world around me for fuck's sake. I love it I love it. I don't like disliking people I want to like people I think especially when I'm in a good place in my life if I'm if I'm in a good place I just want to have fun, you know If I'm in a particularly challenging place in my life It can be a bit harder for me not to like I might become more tempted to dislike people because Disliking people feels good when you're in a bad place. Unfortunately like When you feel bad about yourself in your life, there's something sort of cathartic about hating other people and unfortunately, there's a human there's something about Bringing other people down when you feel down and part of being an adult is Knowing how to not cave to those negative feelings when you're in a moment like that, you know, but anyway my Baseline when I'm in a good place is I want to like people. I want to love people. I want to get along I want to have fun. I want to make more friends. Fuck it And I think most people feel that way when they're in a good place And that's why I think I tend to lie to myself when I meet somebody and I get a bad feeling because Perhaps they really like me and perhaps they want to hang out and they want to go to dinner next week I don't want to have to say no, but I get a bad feeling about them But instead of trusting that gut feeling I'll be like fuck it. I guess I'll go to dinner with them Because I don't want to have to act on something that doesn't have a lot of evidence You know and I will say with this particular one. I feel like it's not always bad to test and see If your gut feeling was right or wrong. I mean in my experience a lot of times my gut feeling was right I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to test it and to see Because who knows you might meet your best friend that way and you might be wrong, right? I guess um in the worst thing that can happen is that you start to develop a friendship that you realize Oh, fuck. I probably shouldn't have developed this friendship now. I'm further into it and I have to walk away It would have been easier if I had just walked away when I had that bad feeling But it's not like the worst thing in the world to give people a chance if even if you get a bad gut feeling initially I mean, it's not the worst thing But I have had moments where I've been like fuck I did have a bad feeling and I didn't listen and now I have to kind of blow this person off and that sucks You know because I don't like blowing people off. I would have rather just Kept it in a place where we weren't friends. Do you know what I'm saying? This also can bite me in the ass Because I might convince myself that I like somebody and I think they're cool and whatever and then I'll over share with them I'm getting better at this the older I get the better I get at this But I still even now will be like oh this person seems cool. Fuck it. I'll just tell them some shit I'll get into it with them because I'm such an open book Especially in real life. I'm really an open book in real life I'm an open book on the internet, but I have to be a little bit more careful because it's the internet and if I'm not careful like I can't like I can't talk about other people and say names on the internet, you know Whereas like I can do that a bit more in real life. Whatever. I love connecting with people through stories Through interesting life experiences I love to get into it and I know that when I tell vulnerable stories when I tell Real stories and I do it quickly I make better connections with people sooner and so that's why I do that, you know But I've learned over the years that I have to be careful Because if I just decide that I think somebody's cool and I can trust them and I just start getting into shit Not even necessarily like drama, but just I don't know Getting real with somebody more than anything I suffer Through regret and anxiety because then later I'm like well, what if they what if they tell people? I don't know that I want to be friends with this person and now they know something about me Like I've like opened up to them and like that makes me feel weird I don't know. I almost exposed myself More than I want to and then later I regret it. This episode is really exposing to everybody how How dysfunctional my brain is but I would like to believe that that we all are dysfunctional in in our own cute little ways So maybe let's not judge Emma too much. Okay moving on This next one. I know we all do so nobody can judge me for this one because we all do it I have lied many times to myself About being over my x. Okay. No, like not like I'm not saying as specific x I'm saying any x. I've had many and There have been a few that have taken me a while to get over like I would say Like I would say two in particular really took me a while, you know And I have lied to myself and said I'm fucking over it over it Not over it, but I think the reason I lied to myself about that is because I want to be over it especially when it's been like A year, you know and and you're like, are you kidding me? I'm still not fully over this. I'm still thinking about it. I still have complicated feelings about this Why it's been a long time. Why you know, it's kind of embarrassing in a way Or it can feel embarrassing on a personal level. I don't think it's embarrassing when other people Take a year or two years five years to get over an x. I don't judge at all. I totally get it But when it's yourself, it's tough We all want to believe that we're we're tough and we're resilient. We don't give a fuck About our x. We don't care. We're moving on to greener pastures. We don't care We want to believe that it makes us feel shameful when we're not it makes us feel weak. It makes us feel vulnerable and it's embarrassing because breakups inevitably involve Some sort of rejection Whether you were the one that got broken up with or you were the one that broke up with your partner but perhaps now they've moved on and you actually have it and then you're like, wait, what? There's always some sort of rejection involved, right? Because if you broke up with your x and then you miss them and you regret it And you want to go back to them and then they accept and they say, yes, let's get back together Then you're not feeling this feeling anymore. You don't have to lie to yourself about being over your x because you're back together So even if you're the one that did the breaking up if you want to get back together and they don't That's still rejection. Do you see what I'm saying? Like inevitably if you're feeling this way, it's because there's some sort of rejection involved and that is Really hard to accept. It is really hard to accept when you've been rejected. It's incredibly challenging It takes a huge toll on your confidence. It's a tough one. And so it's not fun to admit when you're not over it because in some ways that's sort of a In admittance of the rejection that you've experienced in a way if you still miss them That's a painful reminder that you've been rejected Whereas if you're over it in a way, that's a power position. You're like, I'm over it and I'm rejecting them. I'm over it I'm rejecting them. Now. I'm rejecting them. I don't care anymore. You know It's really it's uncomfortable and it's even more challenging when you're out and you're dating and Perhaps you've met somebody new and maybe you started to date them But deep down you're still not over it and you're like, fuck I want to be fully present but I can't because I'm still caught up in this but all I want to do is be moved on so that I can you know start my new life or whatever But it just takes time and I think a lot of us don't want to admit how much time it takes And so I've told that lie to myself many times. I mean, I guess just twice really more than twice, but like really badly twice Moving on another lie that I tell myself is that If I buy this book and I leave it on my nightstand inevitably, I'll read it. Obviously, I'll read it um, I have like five books on my nightstand right now That I've bought in the last six months that I have not picked up And the reason for that is listen, I have excuses For why I haven't read them But I actually think that those excuses are further lies which concerns me I'll tell you my excuse and then we can decide together if I'm lying to myself My excuse for why I have not read those books is because I've been honestly working too much and reading to me is not It's not the books that I bought that I put on my nightstand are educational. They're not escapism and I've been working so much that The thought of like reading to me is just further work in a way which Will be appealing to me at some point, but it's not to me right now because by the end of the day I've expended my brain like I don't have anything left. I can't do anything else hard You know, I need to just escape into something Whether that's a youtube video or just going to bed. So that's my excuse I do think that's a lie in a way like I do think I'm lying to myself I could make time to read those books if I really wanted to But I'm choosing not to right but the lie that the initial lie that let's go back to the lie Okay, the lie is if I buy a book and put it on my nightstand. I'll read it that that's just not true because What I know about books and listen, I'm not the most I'm not the biggest reader. Okay. I read sometimes, but I'm not the biggest reader at all But I go through phases I think the truth of a book is that it needs to come to you at the right time for you to want to read it Just simply needs to be the right time, especially with something Educational that you're going to teach yourself about voluntarily, right? Obviously when it's a school book you got to read it. You're at school But when you're in the classroom of life, okay, and you can read a book whenever you want An educational book I think it can be hard to motivate unless You pick it up at the right time, you know, and you have kind of a hunger for that particular topic And I just don't have an appetite For learning about the particular topics that are on my nightstand right now. I just don't have that Appetite and so I think the expectation that like by having them there. I'll read them is just unrealistic because For whatever reason, I just don't have the appetite for those right now but then I think When this becomes detrimental is that I have these books on my nightstand right that I bought because I really want I really want to learn about these things eventually And so I'm keeping them on my nightstand because I want to motivate myself to read them But the problem is they are not speaking to me right now. So I'm not picking them up But the issue with that is now I'm just not reading anything Whereas if I were to say, you know what these books aren't speaking to me right now I'm going to go put them in my book collection Keep them there until I'm ready for them And in the meantime, I'm going to go look through my book collection and find something that is speaking to me And I'm going to put that on my nightstand And so when I have a moment where reading is appealing to me At least I'm reading something because I think reading books is very important But it is hard to motivate now more than ever very hard. It's very very hard For most of us to read. There are so many other things that are much more Dopaminergic, you know, is that even a word? I say that word all the time and I actually have never googled it So I don't know. Um, I think I used it right. So I'm just going to pretend that I did Yeah, so I need to be much more intentional about The books that I keep on my nightstand so that I actually read more, you know, instead of being like, you know what? I'm going to be Disciplined and harsh with myself and I'm going to Put these books on my nightstand I'm going to buy them Because these are things I need to learn about and I'm going to put them on my nightstand And I'm going to read them because I need to learn about these things right now instead of doing that which fails every time Um, I'm just going to start maybe, you know, I can collect books But instead of putting them on my nightstand and convincing myself I'm going to read them just because they're there. I'm going to be more intentional about the books I keep on my nightstand. That's what I'm going to start doing Okay, moving on another lie that I tell myself Is that every guy that talks to me looks at me even is in love with me It's so embarrassing that I do this It's really embarrassing like I'm I barely wanted to include this on the west. I didn't want to admit to it But this is a lie that I tell myself. I kid you not. It's not good I think that I feel like that's like a a narcissistic trait Like I feel like that's a sign of narcissism Like I feel like this is not like this is a red flag about me. Do you know what I mean? We should all hold up red flag. This is bad But at least I'm aware of it and I know that it's like kind of ridiculous and narcissistic This is not to say that sometimes they're not in love with me like maybe but like, okay, I'll give you you know I'll tell you a story This proves that I'm a little delulu. Okay One time I was at a bar in New York out of my out of my element and I walk in I'm sitting at the bar with my friends And this very gorgeous very gorgeous guy comes in Gorge Gorge I was like, whoa, that is a hot guy. Okay, and I couldn't help it. I was looking I had to look a little which can go a long way If you look and you can get a little eye contact for a second Sometimes that can start a conversation later. You know what I mean? It's like a little message. You know it is So I was doing a little looking and then I looked away whatever and I was like we like locked eyes For maybe one second or like or it was either that or like I looked and then I looked away and then I could feel That he looked at me and I was like, I'm so fucking in it was like I'm in I'm so in He wants to marry me. He wants to be with me forever. He is at k-joulers Getting me a ring tonight He's breaking in to the jewelers to get me a ring because that's how fucking obsessed with me is He can't stop thinking about me. He just he just Layed eyes on me and for the rest of his life He will never stop thinking about me. This is how I'm thinking in my head. Okay going going going spiraling spiraling if you will positive spiral well Delusional spiral but fun spiral And I'm like, okay. I'm gonna look away obviously have to like, you know, play hard again I'm just not gonna look again for like At least 10 minutes, you know, like gotta seem busy busy busy because that works wonders with boys and So I wasn't looking and I'm just minding my own business Eventually I decided, all right, I gotta shoot my shot again. Let me just look back shooting my shot for me By the way, he's looking that's it because I do not flirt very well. Actually. I think I flirt Actually, I know I don't flirt very well I'm very subtle and very dry and very scared But it it works in its own little way. So I decided To do some heavy hitting flirting. I'm a style look back He is a boyfriend. They are very romantic. He's fully in a relationship and he's gay He could be bi so maybe he thought I was hot and he wanted this But he was fully in a relationship he That was a that was a miscalcul for me to be honest, you know what I mean? Like I really miscalcul Is there a chance? Is there a slim chance? That maybe no I to be honest that I don't think so. I think I miscalculated on that one. Um, so Yeah, it's fine. Yeah I've actually also had that With like guys that I found out later were married and stuff, but see I guess even in relationship You never really know like you never really know You know, even if you end up seeing them with their partner or what I was like, you still don't really know but Moving on. Okay. The next lie I tell myself Is that I need to be alone majority of the time To maintain a creative output. I need to be alone 95% of the time to be creative and I do think to an extent that Being alone is important for my creative process It absolutely is because a lot of the things that I do and I make I make by myself You know, I record these podcast episodes by myself I film and edit my youtube videos oftentimes. Well, I do the editing especially by myself I do the conceptualizing of youtube videos by myself. I do a lot of Brainstorming for concepts for chamberlain coffee by myself I'm a control freak and I like to do things by myself and A lot of times I do need to be by myself to come up with ideas But I think to a certain extent that's healthy and then beyond that it actually becomes unhealthy And I'm actually stifling my creativity by not involving other people And so that's a lie I tell myself that Being alone is crucial and I think again, this one's complicated because to an extent that's true But I think I take it beyond and I'll spend an entire week completely by myself in my creative bubble talking to almost no one and That means not talking to people on a creative level like not collaborating with anybody But also just not talking to anyone in general because that's the thing about this lie I believe I need to be alone Not only creatively meaning I need to work on projects alone with no creative partners But also I believe that I need to be alone away from friends away from people in general to be creative and the truth is When it comes to creative collaborators that can be incredibly helpful sometimes to have somebody to bounce ideas off of Again, is it always the answer? No But I could probably do a little bit more of that Also, if you're not living your life outside with people You will run out of creative ideas and I know that that's true but I will lie to myself and convince myself that Going outside spending time with people Being in the world Is getting in the way of me being creative because it's wasting time But that's not true. You know a lot of my inspiration for things comes from lived experience With other people. So I guess the lie is that I need to be alone all the time When I really just need to be alone some of the time And that's something I really need to work on like right now Because I have been alone a lot In the last few months a lot and For a while it was working for me, you know, and I was getting so much done and I was being so creative But then at a certain point I just became kind of empty and I need to I don't know But it's hard because I'm so type a and I'm so obsessed with I'm a workaholic in a way And so it's hard for me at times to justify like involving other people or Taking time away from working on things creatively to live my life like that's really hard for me Because by nature I'm a workaholic if you will. That's what everybody in my life calls me They're like everyone is like Emma is a workaholic and needs help And I do need help a little bit, but it's something I'm actively working on because That lie is harmful and it actually ultimately long term gets in the way of my creativity There can be little bursts where it works and I can get away with it But it all comes crashing down eventually, you know, we need other people Creative people need other people the creative process Is a solitary experience a lot of times But that can't be the entirety of a creative person's life and I Will convince myself at times that it needs that needs to be my life and it's not true the next lie I tell myself is that I'm just gonna post on instagram really quick. No big deal. Just gonna open up instagram I'm just gonna open up the app just gonna do a little posty posty just gonna post really quick Gonna post something and then right after I post it I might read comments for a second Heart some of my favorites maybe respond to a few, you know, because that's really fun And then I'm gonna Stick to my boundaries and I'm gonna close the app and I'm gonna put my phone down And I'm not gonna scroll scroll scroll because I know myself and I know that that makes me feel anxious and not so good And you know what I do in reality? I scroll scroll scroll next thing I know I am on like cheese. It's instagram page Next thing I know I'm looking through Hailey Bieber's photodump This is just my life. This is just life Next thing I know I'm on my explore page watching reels next thing. I know it's been an hour And I'm still watching reels, you know, it's That is a lie. I tell myself and honestly like it's not that I never let myself scroll and like look through Hailey Bieber's photodump and go on cheese. It's instagram and look at reels sometimes because I don't think it's like I I do think that it's important that I'm not completely Out of the loop like I definitely look sometimes But I need to admit to myself that every time I open the app I will be scrolling a little bit even if even if I think I'm just gonna go post and then I'm gonna, you know, put the phone down That's not true. And so I should honestly go into every time I post go into the app knowing I will be scrolling a little bit and I should set a timer Because that's what I do When I just want to scroll randomly and I really don't do that a lot to be honest But it does happen like maybe once a week I'll be like fuck it. Let's just see what's going on. Maybe on the weekend, you know But that's it and that's not a lot. That's less than normal I would say less than average and I don't post on instagram that often, you know, depending on what's going on like during Fashion week or something every day. Here's my outfit. Here's my outfit. Here's my outfit again again Again, here's my outfit, but I'm like when not much is going on in my life. I'm not posting on instagram that often, you know So it's like Whatever, but that is a lie But you know what the lie goes deeper actually because even when I set a timer and say like I'm only gonna let myself go on instagram for 15 minutes, right? Half the time that's a lie half the time me setting that timer is a lie because half the time I'll be like fuck it Let me just look a little bit more So it's so tough Like I have good boundaries with it, but even I struggle like I am so strict and so rigid and like so Careful, but even I will fail It's the hardest though when there's some when I have to when I'm posting a lot That's when it's the hardest like during fashion week Or during like the Met Galley or something like I'm posting so many different things And also I want to look at what other people are posting like I want to see what other people Are wearing the fashion week. I want to see What like behind the scenes stuff people are posting about the Met Galley, you know I like love seeing what is going on during those times. I am so on my phone It's almost like all my rules go out the window. I like I don't even care I just let myself indulge in it and then I pay the price and I feel anxious and I feel like shit I lie to myself that every time I open a social media app. I'm gonna have good boundaries and half the time it's a lie, but I work on it every day. I'm very aware of that lie. I tell myself though. I'm very aware of it and I Am actively working on it, but it's just it's we all know it's tough moving on Another lie I tell myself is that everyone hates me. I tell this lie to myself more often than you would think but I Am aware of why I tell myself this lie so often and why it's so hard to deal with I think it comes down to my career Which is on the internet and I think being a public figure is a very weird thing because as we're all aware public figures experience an unnatural amount of exposure To other human beings and what does that lead to an unnatural amount of opinions? Which means an unnatural amount of negative opinions. Okay public figures experience more Hatred than somebody who's not a public figure. This is obvious We all know this but I think because it's such an unnatural Thing the human brain struggles to deal with it no matter how good you are at being in the public eye It's tough and I think because I know even I don't even have to see it to know Okay, I don't even have to see what people are saying about me To know that at all times people are saying mean things about me at all times somewhere on the internet people are saying mean things about me Somewhere in the real world people are probably saying mean things about me because I'm exposed in a way that's unusual So I know that at all times I'm being hated on I know that And I think that's such an unnatural experience that It's sometimes subconsciously convinces me that I'm just a hated person And I thought I was the only one who experienced this but I've actually met many other public figures who have the exact same experience where They just feel hated by society they feel hated By humanity as a whole it's a very common thing I'm talking about beloved celebrities who like in the grand scheme of celebrity are so loved and even they're like I feel despised by humanity when from my perspective I'm like literally everyone loves you like You're not widely hated that makes no sense But it's just I guess the way that the human brain brain reacts to that And so I will convince myself often that everyone hates me like I I will just convince myself that I'm a hated person Now are there people that hate me? Of course. Are there people who think I'm stupid? Of course. Are there people who think I shouldn't have a job? Of course. Are there people who think I'm annoying? Of course. Are there people who think I'm evil? Of course, that's being on the internet unfortunately And that's the case for any public figure. There's not one public figure That is unanimously liked right? but I'll let that seep into my psyche and I will convince myself that everyone hates me and what pulls me out of that is When I'm out and about and someone comes up to me and says oh my god I listen to your podcast or you know, I love watching your youtube videos whatever and says, you know, it brings me joy It brings me value like I'm so grateful for it. Then I'm like Emma Stop see look not everyone hates you. Look Look, there are people who like you Remember this, but it's so tough. It's so tough because even though in a comment section There can be so many nice comments. The mean ones will really stick in a weird subconscious way and It'll it'll creep back in and this weird lie that I tell myself that everyone hates me It's very weird and again, it's not even rooted in truth because like There's people in my life who love me. There's people in my comment section who love me But it doesn't matter for some reason This creeps in it's very weird and and it is ultimately a lie. So I need to keep it in check Another lie that I tell myself often is that I'm not jealous Listen, I do get jealous sometimes and I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on my jealousy Like I have a good method of managing jealousy But that doesn't mean that I don't get jealous Like I've given advice on this podcast about how to handle feelings of jealousy You know, I know how to handle it, right? But that doesn't mean that those feelings are never going to come up I think like nobody wants to feel jealous And even worse, nobody wants to admit that they're jealous. It's just kind of a shameful feeling in a way And so I sometimes have a hard time Admitting to myself that I'm feeling jealous like it takes me time Even though I feel like I'm good at managing it at this point in my life I still will lie to myself When feelings of jealousy come up and I'll lie to myself For a little bit before I admit that I'm jealous like it takes me time Even though I'm aware of everything that's going on. It's very weird how the brain works Another lie that I tell myself is that on a particular day I haven't been productive enough today. I don't deserve to rest. I need to keep going. I haven't gotten enough done today I do this all the time. This is a lie. I tell myself all the time I This goes back to the workaholicness of me And again, this might sound like I'm like this is not a flex by the way This is not me being like Oh my god, I'm just like so motivated It's not that because I actually think that At the end of the day not even at the end of the day, but like At the end of a month, right? The way that I push myself and then burn out and then can't do anything and then push myself and then Burn out and then can't do like at the end of the month I probably get the same amount done as somebody who just takes it a bit slower and Has a bit more balance, you know what I'm saying? Like being a workaholic. I don't think actually makes you get more done necessarily. Maybe Maybe but I consider it to be a flaw is what I'm trying to say the truth is Some days are going to be productive and some are not and The type of person I am whether I've been productive or not I will almost always come to the conclusion that I haven't done enough I am insatiable if that are insatiable. Is that a word? Whatever I cannot be satisfied. I am Rarely satisfied and so I'm constantly telling myself the lie that I haven't done enough When it's like, you know what? If it's the end of the fucking day and there's no deadline that hasn't been met I can be done. Do you know what I mean? I can be done. Oh, it's 9 p.m. And there's nothing that has to be done. Okay, then I can be done You see what I'm saying? That's why it's a lie because it's like if it's the end of the day I have to stop like there has to be a stopping point But I I lie to myself almost on a daily basis and say There's still more to be done Which leads me to my next lie that I tell myself which is I'm not tired and burnt out. I'm just a lazy sack of shit. I don't deserve rest I'm just being lazy and making excuses again This sounds like a flex of a lie that I tell myself But it really is ultimately detrimental because This type of lie leads me to burnout leads me to the point where I can't do anything and I'm very mentally weak And I've talked about this trait that I have many times and I have gotten better over the years at Not getting to this point Not succumbing to this lie Recognizing this lie. I've gotten better at it. But that doesn't mean that I don't still lie to myself about these things sometimes I do Okay, the next lie I tell myself I can take on more responsibilities When I when I think about my life in the plate like, you know the metaphor of like What you have on your plate I am really bad at properly analyzing my plate and I constantly Lie to myself about what I can put on my plate. I will look at my plate my metaphorical plate And there'll be one small little corner Open where I could put something there and technically that that portion of the plate is like for sleeping or Hanging out with people that I care about but I'll be like that's an open space Let me take on some more responsibilities Um, and then I have a mental breakdown and then I have to take and then I have to take the plate And I have to scoop everything into the trashcan and then I can't do anything Again, all this stuff all this like work related stuff sounds like a flex until you realize that it actually Leads to a state where I can't do anything and then I get nothing done for a little bit Until I recharge my battery and again, I'm getting better at all this stuff But I'm including it on this list of lies that I tell myself because These are very prominent lies that I'm still figuring out how to manage Another lie I tell myself is once I complete this goal, I'll finally feel a sense of accomplishment and I'll finally allow myself to just Finish and complete and be done You know like the work can stop for a little bit and I'll just sit in this sense of accomplishment. No I really struggle with that even when making this list I'm talking about the list that we're talking about today For this podcast episode the list of lies I tell myself I told myself once I come up with 10 lies that I tell myself I will stop writing this podcast outline I will feel accomplished and then I will sit down and I will record the episode Well, I hit 10 and then I decided that's not enough. I need to do 12 came up with 12 and then said Mmm, 12 is not enough I ended up coming up with 17 because I I did not feel accomplished until I got to 17 then I was like, okay I feel good now. I am the type of person that just does not ever feel accomplishment. There's always something If I'm seeking the feeling of accomplishment, I'll never reach Accomplishment, I feel like that's kind of the conclusion. I've come to with myself I almost I think I need to remove the emotion from it like for example in making This list of lies that I tell myself instead of saying once I get to 10 I'll feel accomplished and then I can stop I need to be like once I reach 10. I'm not going to feel accomplished because that's the type of person I am But I'm going to be done and that's it because it is a lie to think that I'll feel accomplished I mean, I think there are ways to feel accomplished Even when you're not the type of person who naturally feels accomplished and I've talked about that before But I think it's not always realistic and I think I I need to know myself a little bit better The next lie I tell myself constantly is that I'm dying like in the moment that I'm dying for example for the last few weeks, I've had a cough and I have convinced myself on a daily basis that my lungs are collapsing and that I'm having shortness of breath And that I'm dying and every time I take my oxygen my oxygen levels are perfect. I am not dying Um when I'm on an airplane, I convince myself that the plane will crash soon and I'm dying when I'm at a restaurant Sometimes I'll convince myself that I've gotten food poisoning or I've been poisoned or I'm Or I've developed an allergic reaction that I've never had before and my throat's closing up and that I'm dying I convince myself that I'm dying multiple times a day and I'm not Well, my parents always remind me is that number one Humans are very resilient not that's not to say that like Listen, we're not immortal, but we're shockingly resilient like more than we think we are, you know And if I'm able to talk, you know what I'm saying like if I'm able to walk and talk and move I'm not dying. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know. I'm just I'm ridiculous, but I'm this is how my brain works. I'm very anxious and I'm a mess In the last lie that I tell myself I mean, there's definitely more but this is the last one that I can think of Is that I'm genuinely having a bad gut feeling like something bad's gonna happen out of nowhere not just like something minor but like something major like somebody's about to die or Something's about to explode or like something intense something extreme I'll convince myself that I'm genuinely having a gut feeling about something tragic happening And I'm not just anxious and paranoid. No, I'm genuinely having a premonition. No, I'm not No, I'm not I just had an intrusive thought about something scary happening And then I convinced myself that that intrusive thought is a premonition is my intuition When everything I've read up about intuition is that it's far more subtle It's like when I get a bad gut feeling about a person. It's so this is again, it goes back to like how Certain psychological challenges make no sense. It makes the brain fight against each other It makes the brain hypocritical almost like I lie to myself and say wait, I think this person's cool I really want to like them when deep down I get a bad gut feeling about them because I don't want to feel that bad gut feeling I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding that bad gut feeling that actually Should be listened to but it's easy to ignore because it's not about anything too serious or And I can't necessarily figure out exactly what it means. It's more vague. It's more soft. It's a whisper, right? And I actively will ignore that gut feeling but then When I have a scary thought as my mom calls it when I have An intrusive thought that's really scary and disturbing to me I will obsess over it and convince myself that it's a premonition and that it's going to happen when in reality Everything I know about intuitive feelings is that it is much more subtle much more abstract and much less intense It's not like this is about to happen and it's about to be really scary and bad. It's like More like a almost like a spiritual guide Inclining you to do something or not do something But what's kind of hypocritical about it is that I know That a subtle little soft gut feeling is one to pay attention to because that's what intuition is And yet I ignore that one But then when I get some sort of loud intrusive thought I'll convince myself that that's intuition when I know that that's not The brain is so complicated I It's and I feel like mine especially is complicated, but it's um, it's not everybody's is complicated But I feel like mine sucks sometimes. I'm like Why are you like this and nothing even makes sense like half the time shit doesn't even make sense That's going on in there But that's enough of that's enough of my brain for the day to be honest Like I think we all need a break from Emma's brain for the rest of the day So I'm gonna stop talking now. I'm gonna spend the rest of my day doing things that are mindless Because it's the evening time and I think I've earned it. I encourage you all To face the lies that you tell yourself head on it's an ongoing practice. I think That you'll never perfect necessarily, but it's a practice that I think is worth Starting to practice as soon as possible and with that I thank you all for listening and if you enjoyed this episode new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and sunday you can tune in and hang out Twice a week if you want or not and that's fine too Anything goes is everywhere you stream podcasts, but if you want to watch video that's only on youtube and spotify Anything goes is on social media at anything goes. I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company Is in the world and on the internet at Chamberlain coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all I have a chin hair that I need to pluck. It's like really bothering me. So I like really need to do that now So I really need to wrap this up I love you all. I appreciate you all. Thank you for listening and hanging out. It's always a pleasure And next time I see you my chin hair will be plucked out. Hopefully you didn't notice it But now that I brought it up you're gonna probably like go back a little bit and zoom in and try to find it so I've really sort of Screwed myself over there. Okay I have to stop recording like I have to stop this we have to be done. Bye. I love you