Welcome to Obsessed, where Mika, Tia and I challenge the thoughts that limit you, where we provide the tools for transformation, be prepared to be swept away into the raw power of obsession, unlocking secrets and stories behind the insatiable hunger for growth and change. This is more than just a podcast, this is your story. It is a manifesto for those who refuse to settle, who dare to dream and who are relentless in the pursuit of living a great life. Get obsessed with your life. Being lonely is an epidemic right now. And I've always wondered when we are in this world that seems so connected, we are connected through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, our smartphones. Yet so many people feel lonely right now. I don't know why this is and I need to know more. Are you feeling lonely? Are you in a marriage that is struggling? Are you looking for love in all the wrong places today? Your girl, Eva Mendes, is going to be here. And she is really a very fascinating, smart woman that I've known for many years. She's an author of several books. She's a therapist and she knows everything about love. Love doesn't always seem right, whether you are on the spectrum or you have Asperger's or you're dating someone on the spectrum or dating someone with Asperger's or if you are feeling out your sexuality and you don't know how to navigate it, Eva is your girl. I'm so excited to have her here. And guys, before we start, I want to make sure you check out the show notes. I'm going to have all the links to her books, to her website. You are going to want to know Eva in a big, bad way and you're going to become obsessed with her because Eva is pretty powerful. Eva, thank you for being here. Number one, number two, why do we all feel this twinge of being lonely in relationships and in this digital age? Do you have any insight into that or is it just me? It might just be me. I don't know. No, I don't think it's just you. Thank you first and foremost for having me on Julie. You are awesome too. One of my favorite woman who empowers other women. So thank you for that. I think it is an epidemic. I think partly because we are so married to our screens and I think we could have 500 friends on Facebook, but then when you're sick, you might not have someone to check in on you or drop off some tea or medicine or something like that. We don't live in the essential village, if you will, like we used to. I grew up in India for a little bit and as a child, I remember being in my mom's village and the houses were really close by. Here in the Boston area, we're very fortunate that we live close by and it has that community feel, but even sometimes, even then, we don't really know our neighbors. But in my mom's village, and I think that's how most people lived for several, for many, many generations until industrialization and urban cities came into being and all of that is that you would live in this one communal setting for generations. When I walked out in the village, everybody knew. They didn't know my name, but they knew my family name and they'd be like, oh, little one, you're from that family. Oh, nice to see you. How's your mom? So we don't have that kind of structurally as an environment. We're not in that situation where it's just an effortless social scene that you can step out of your house and step into. Now it's like you have to create it. We don't have time. I think we're all workaholics and I think it's making that time, making quality time for our friends and our loved ones and engaging in really deep, hard-to-art conversations because sometimes you may know a lot of people, but then you don't know who to trust, who to trust with your heart and what's really going on deep down. So yeah, I do think it's an issue and I don't think you're the only one. Is this simply because of the digital age, because of the phone? I have been at restaurants and I have seen a table of six to eight people and they're all on their phones. And I think to myself, is there something wrong with this picture or am I being judgy? I don't know. Maybe I'm being judgy. No, I don't think so. I think it's a generational thing. I find that some of the people that I know who are younger in age of the younger generations, they seem to have less of a problem pulling out their phone in restaurants and stuff. Whereas I think the way we were raised is to engage, look at people while we're talking to them, really truly listen. And it's not like people are not listening. It's just the attention is divided. We should have certain boundaries around this. Like in my own house, when we're sitting down to dinner, and my daughter's very young still, but I don't allow phones or if I tried to take a little phone vacation on the weekends or wherever I can when I'm traveling. I think it's really, really important and also to meet with people face to face. I am such an advocate for in real life interaction. I just know that's not the way of the world today. Where do you see the biggest population struggling or is it just a cross-sector of everybody? I think everyone is struggling to some degree. I find that what helps me is joining. I joined like a local Bollywood Zumba class in my neighborhood and I made some new friends. Yeah. So we're having a summer break, but it's really fun. I have a faith community. It's my Buddhist community. We have in-person meetings one-on-one and then with the community as well. So that for me, I don't feel very personally as a person isolated, but I think I'm fortunate in that sense that I am part of this community. Then also when it comes to my neighborhood and the town I live in, I'm on a Facebook group where a lot of people post on there and they'll also be at different groups and they'll give away things for free or my kids outgrown this or whatever. They'll say, hey, I'm new to town. Does anybody know a great Chinese restaurant or be where there was some situation going on at this intersection or whatever with traffic or something? So it helps me be connected to my own community and sometimes at the back of where I live, there's a little conservation area and so people tend to clean up a couple of times a year. So we sign up for that. So that helps to again meet people in the neighborhood. I wish I had the wherewithal to be like throwing block parties and stuff. I have a friend whose wife loves to organize block parties. Yeah, I feel like that should all come back. I believe we're becoming lazy as a culture because we want everything now. We want to go on the dating apps. Let's find a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, partner now. Let me order food now. Let me watch whatever the heck I want on TV now. So it becomes a snowball effect, I believe, of just how people are so demanding and don't have the patience to do the work in real life or create those relationships. And that probably has changed the landscape of marriage and relationships, which you're an expert in. I find that fascinating and maybe you could give us a little insight into those relationships because I've been married, I don't know, I feel like 20 years and at its best, I'm not just saying my marriage. It's hard. There's a lot of joy. There's moments of joy, of course, but it's hard. You always have to be working on it and at its worst, it's very hard and you're probably seeing those trends in marriage and this phenomena. Gosh, there's a lot to say there. It's a lot to unpack. Yeah. So for one, I will say my tip to young people or all people in general is that there are no shortcuts in life. Yeah, it's like if you consume instant, like fast food, you're going to pay for it. It's like there's nothing without a cost and even instant gratification, right? You find something you like online, you order it. That's all like your carbon footprint is increasing. So I think we do have to be very mindful in what we're doing with our actions day to day. How is that impacting other people, ourselves? And the same comes for, I think, dating and relationships too, because just because you can keep swiping left or right on dating apps, that doesn't mean you're going to end up with a quality, really nourishing, nurturing long-term relationship. I think that comes with doing a lot of work on yourself, being around people that are also motivated in a similar way and finding a life partner that is also willing to take a look at themselves and self-reflect and talk things through. So what I see, I think, Abin Singh lately has been a lot of great divorces, divorces of people later in life, because for whatever reason, they, marriage was different back then, expectations were different. And oftentimes for some couples, especially the woman, as they see their children who they raised in a much more healthy manner, have a really good partnership, so better partnerships than their own, then it really feels like, wow, we really missed out because that wasn't my marriage. And then they start kind of unraveling around what's been happening in my relationship and my marriage. And then also, I think, even if you're married, as you well know, Julie, in your micro role model on this, is to continue to have your own life. You have to have your own life, like a career if you can, or anything, any kind of, even if it's not like a formal career, something you're engaging. And yeah, if you can be financially independent, like I have a daughter, I would, I would want her to be financially independent for, you know, in all her adulthood, because I feel like that's really important, because that makes you realize that, okay, I'm choosing to be in this relationship. I don't have to be in it. I'm not stuck in here, you know, so we can make healthier choices for ourselves. And, and, you know, if there's somebody, even if it's a life partner, that's diminishing your life, then you can say, no, that's not for me. I'm going to move on, you know. And I made that decision then. And we can get help, you know, and that's where I come in. I'm a couples therapist, so I don't really advocate for divorce and things like that. But I think in some cases, if, you know, the partner isn't willing to change or just is blaming the other person, and it's never their fault, then it may come to that, right? Or they don't know how to change or something. But of course, I've written two books on how couples can really come together and make things work. And of course, it's for people who are in neurodiverse relationships, one where the partner is ADHD or autistic or ADHD combination of the two, you know. So it is possible, even when you have neurological differences and, you know, different backgrounds and upbringings and stuff. But I think you have to be willing to look at yourself and say, yeah, I'm kind of effed up in these ways, and I really need to work on this. One of the things that I still remember, and I always actually share this little anecdote, one of my good friends, and he's a guy and he said to me once, he said, oh, the moment I started dating my partner, I realized how effed up I am. And I was like, oh, wow, that is like so, so true. Because I remember before I, you know, dated my now husband, I was single for a few years, I think before then, at least three, four years. And I remember thinking a little before meeting him, like, well, I'm content, I'm good, like, I have a good thing going. I'm a good person, all of this. And the moment I met him and then we started interacting, I was like, oh, Eva, you have all these issues you need to work on. I think people need to think of it that way, that relationships are there to help us grow and improve. And only when two people have their own solid foundations in life, then they can come together as a choice. And they're not like relying on each other to, I don't know, complete or heal something that's broken within them, which was, I think my early twenties was spent in pursuit of these types of relationships that also weren't, you know, the best choices. Our relationships are a mirror of ourselves. And you mentioned so many things that my mind is spinning. And I'm thinking, number one, I remember my husband went to my dad and said, how can I have a successful marriage? And he said, this is funny. He said, have a hobby. Do something else. Besides think about your spouse. That's funny that you just confirmed it because my husband came after and he's like, what kind of advice is that? Have a hobby. But you just confirmed that, that my dad actually knew what he was talking about. He did. Yes. And it is interesting how it is a mirror. Like when we are by ourselves, we think we're awesome. I'm so great. Even before I had my first child, I'm like, I'm going to be the coolest mom in the whole world. I love to go outside. I love to run. I'm going to be awesome. Holy cow. No way. That is not, that is absolutely not what happened. I realized I'm such a loser. I do everything wrong. I can't get the right. And it happened four times over with the four kids. But that, that really opened my eyes. And then when you were talking about gray divorces, so interesting because I see that I see that with my age group, the kids leave the nest, they have nothing in common anymore. One's miserable or one steps out or one's totally disconnected. And they don't have the tools to even repair or even start to repair what has happened over 20, 30 years. So you have to be very careful and you have to be proactive. Even when there's nothing wrong is what I heard you say. And just thinking about that, that spurred the thought in me about the CEO scandal, right? It happened in Boston, your hometown. This is not an isolated, like incident. This happens all the time. They just got caught in a big, bad way. And can you repair your relationship when it is that bad or no? Cause I don't know. Oh man. Sorry. That was a big bomb. I just dropped. No, that's okay. I almost think that when things are really bad, I mean, yeah, repair. I'm like hopeless romantic. So I feel like there's always hope. Like when you die, there's no hope because they're gone from this earth. You know, that's it. But I feel like, um, yeah, both people have to really want it and have to fight for it. And especially, I think in most marriages, what I see is this from the get go, right? If the something's off with the relationship, there's always one person who has tried to work on it really, really hard. And what I see with the greater forces, especially is that the, the spouses, their wives are many times it's the wife. It's the female. They're exhausted. Wait, wait, wait. Say that again about the female. It's always the female usually. The female usually has been working on the marriage for a long time. In rare cases, it is the man too. But, but usually it's the, it's the one person and even in, in lesbian or, you know, same sex marriages or whatever, it's, it's always there's one person, you know, and they're saying, Oh, you know, this needs to be fixed or you don't talk to me or we don't like whatever, or let's go talk to a therapist or this and that. And somehow they've been trying to work on it, but the other person hasn't been taking it seriously or doesn't think it's that big of a problem or has been downplaying it. And then I think we get the greater forces because at some point now they're just exhausted. They're like, I'm tired of exhausted. I just, I can't do this anymore. Like, so you just like, you, you just hit a wall and you've hit many walls over many years with very little to show for. So that's when I think you end up having the two part ways. But I think when two people are really willing to work on it and sometimes a lot of men, I find that they'll do like lip service or, or not only man, but even I find a woman as well, they'll say, no, no, I know what you mean. I really have to work on it. It's kind of like an addict, right? Oftentimes the pattern is that before they really decide to go to a, or something, right? An alcoholic, they'll say, no, no, I'm really going to change. Like now from now on it's going to change. But then somehow it's like, they're just telling you what you want to hear. They don't really mean it and they're not actually doing the work. They're pretending to do the work. So I've seen those kinds of people too. And they don't really know what the work means and they don't investigate enough to break it down for themselves. And then that's where you have this situation where it's even worse because the, the spouses are like, Oh yeah, you know, he'll say he'll change and improve. And then they're disappointed again, you know? So then it's like a vicious circle of things. So that's funny. Again, is that, is that laziness or compliance? You know, it, when you think you hit rock bottom, you say whatever you want to to get what you need. Right. When you're faced with, Oh, he or she may leave me. You're going to say whatever you can, but there has to be proof in the pudding. That's exactly right. I think sometimes it's like the psychological laziness, like a mental laziness, and I can speak for myself in my twenties. I had two major relationships that ended and they were devastating for me. And they were like in quick succession and they're very serious relationships. But when the second one ended, I had to look at myself and be like, Oh, Eva, you're the common denominator here. So that's something that's going on with you because of maybe how I was raised to my background, whatever, that is not working for whatever you're putting out there for being in a relationship. And I had to sort of seek these answers for myself. I started reading a lot of books on relationships. I went so far as to go back to school, go to grad school, get a degree in it, become a couples counselor. Right. Like I did because I was just really, and actually when I entered the field of counseling, I didn't even think I would be like a professional full-time therapist. I thought, Oh, I'm just doing this for myself. It's like self-improvement because I was a graphic designer in my previous career. But then it turns out I was kind of good at it. So then I thought, okay, this is a no brainer. You really are meant to be doing this work with people and I transitioned. But it really started out as a personal journey. And I hope that people can take a page out of that or take something away from my own journey to be like, yeah, the buck stops with you. It's your life at the end of the day. So you have to decide what kind of person you want to be, what kind of person you want to be in a relationship, what kind of person you want to be in life, what kind of legacy you want to leave for kids and just for the people around you. And because even if you don't know kids, one of my don't have kids, one of my favorite people in the world, she doesn't have kids. But I look at her and I'm like, Oh my God, what a light. Like she just shines her light. She is so amazing. She mentors so many people. You know, she's just a beautiful person. And to me, that's like what she's leaving behind in the world, you know, because that's all we can leave behind. Honestly, we can't take things with us. So it's like who you become as a human being and then how you touch people's lives and that's really all that matters. That's incredible Eva. If you could give one piece of advice for people who are struggling either in maintaining a positive relationship or finding that positive relationship. I know you have dropped a lot of gems, but if you could quantify that into one sentence besides reaching out to Eva or getting the help that you need before you may even need help, just discover yourself. Is there anything else that you see is the golden bullet in terms of having a healthy relationship in today's age? I think you want to pick someone who even if you don't have a kid, you want to ask yourself, would I want my kid? Dating them? I actually said this to one of my girlfriends recently. She came over and my daughter was around playing and warning my attention. My friend was just, we had just sort of wrapped up our conversation. She goes, Oh, before I leave, I just want to tell you about this guy I've been seeing, but he's kind of half ghosting me and all of this stuff. And what do you think? And blah, blah, blah. And I just looked at my daughter and I was like, I have put so much love and effort into having this kid, into raising this kid. And all of these things, I would not want anyone to treat her the way this guy's treating you. And I was like, think of your mom. Would she want that for you? Like some half bait relationship and some guy who, I don't know, can't commit and who's not emotionally available. I'm like, no, no, walk away. And you are not going to change, change them. And you're not special to think that, Oh, they're going to change for you, miraculous. That's who they are. And if they're treating other people like that, then that's also terrible. Because you don't want someone who's treating everyone terribly and treating you really well either. So I feel like really make a good decision into, I think it take as much time as you need to make the right choice. Like my husband and I really actually met like a year and a half before we actually started dating and we were just like in the same circles and had friends in common or whatever. And I kind of liked him and I thought he liked me, but I didn't want to like do anything about it because I was like, Oh, I got to see this guy in our social setting, you know, because he was part of the Buddhist community, whatever. So I asked him out and very casually, but not really even asked him out. I was like, Hey, I need some help on this. Do you think you could? And then he said he would, but he didn't. And he was too busy with his grad school and all of that. And then I just was like, I didn't make a big fuss about it, I guess, because I just thought to myself, okay, if that's what he's doing. And I had that, I think wisdom within me to just know that whatever, he may not be the right person for me or maybe not at this time or whatever. So I just was like, gotta let him go, detach, like just regroup, reset. I talked to other people. I hear in their data of few other people, nothing's turned into a relationship or just met a lot of people. And then when he was ready a year and a half later, he came right back and he was like, Hey, you want to hang out? And I was like, all right. But then within like less than six months, we got married because it was just the right thing. And I almost felt like being understanding him from afar and then also in close quarters, having people in common, just really helped to understand his character and who he is and how he shows up for people and all of that. So I think learn as much as you can about the person before marriage, because after that, yeah, you can't do a whole lot to change the, you just have to kind of move it. I'm stuck or some might stuck. I love that. I love that Eva and everybody, hang on a second. I love that Eva and obsessors. You need to get Eva's flagship book called Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger Syndrome. She has a lot of different books, reach out to her, check her website. She is so inclusive and smart as you can tell. Just hearing her advice makes me want to share this not only with myself, but with my friends, my family, especially my children, because the more you know, the better you do. So check out Eva everywhere. Eva Mendez. You think she's the movie star? Eva Mendez. She's better than that movie star. She's amazing. Eva Mendez, M-E-N-D-E-S. And I'm so grateful for you. Please share this podcast with anybody you know that will change their lives. And don't forget to rate, review and subscribe. All right, Mika, take it over. Get obsessed. Thank you for listening to another episode of Obsessed. We're obsessed with you. Show your love by rating, reviewing, subscribing and sharing with your friends. Every time you share, you are changing someone else's life. Until we meet again, get obsessed with your life. If you liked the show, please take a moment to rate, review and subscribe. It really does help the show to grow. Thank you for listening.
