Savage Lovecast Episode 1012

You're listening to the Savage Love Cast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grownups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un! If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, while there's nothing you can't cast on the Savage Love Cast. Forgive me for this. Nancy, please play the first audio clip I sent you. Now, I think when the United, very well with the gay vote, okay? I even played the gay national anthem as my walk-off, okay? And I think it probably helped me, but I did great with no Republicans ever gotten the gay vote like I did, and I'm very proud of it. I think it's great. That was Donald Trump, president of the United States, doing what he does best, lying his fucking face off. In this instance, earlier this week, he was lying about the gay vote, claiming he won it. J.D. Vance engaged in a little pre-lying, a little wishful thinking about the gay vote before the 2024 election. Vance said this on the Joe Rogan experience. And I think that, frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if me and Trump won just the normal gay guy vote. Because, again, they just wanted to be left the hell alone, and now you have all this crazy stuff on top of it. Donald Trump and J.D. Vance did not win the gay vote in 2024. Freaky gays, normie gays, normie looking gays who are secretly freaky, nice gay couples with secret sex dungeons in their suburban homes, and freaky looking gays who want marriage and monogamy and a suburban home without a sex dungeon, they didn't, we didn't, vote for Trump. As NBC reported immediately after the 2024 election, LGBT voters shifted even more solidly into the Democratic camp. According to the NBC News exit poll, Harris led President-elect Trump 86% to 12% among LGBT voters the poll found. That is a 15 point change from 2020 when Trump won 27% of the LGBT vote against Biden. Sorry, Donald Trump, and I know you're a listener, but you can't spin a 15 point swing away from you by LGBT voters as some sort of landslide victory for Trump among LGBT voters because you played a village people song? Gay voters, LGBT voters, for the record, we were the only demographic group that shifted away from Trump in a big way between 2020 and 2024. Black voters, Hispanic voters, Asian voters, people living in blue cities, Gen Z voters. While Harris won these groups, Democrats lost ground among all of these crucial demographics between 2020 and 2024. Enough ground that Trump won every swing state. Trump doubled his support among black voters between 2020 and 2024, going from 8% of the black vote in 2020 to 15% in 2024. There was a 22 point shift in support for Trump among Hispanic voters between 2020 and 2024 and a 30 point shift to Trump among Asian voters. Only the gays, only the queers, only the LGBT moved decisively away from Trump. If everyone had voted in 2024, like LGBT voters voted in 2024, if we'd seen 15 point swings away from Trump among Asian voters and Hispanic voters and Gen Z voters, Kamala Harris would be the president of the United States right now. Another interesting footnote while we're delving into past elections, in 2012 Obama and Romney split the straight vote down the middle, but Obama won the gay vote overwhelmingly by a three to one margin, which means gay voters reelected Obama in 2012. Back to 2024, I am not saying that no gay man out there voted for Trump. I wouldn't be climbing out on a limb if I said gay men were probably overrepresented, statistically speaking, in the 12% of LGBT voters that backed Trump in 2024. Not only wouldn't I be out on a limb, I wouldn't be anywhere near a tree. But those men, gay men who voted for Trump, they were and they are and they always will be a despised minority among gay men. If they weren't despised among gay men, if they weren't viewed as complete pariahs in the gay community, you wouldn't read headlines like this one in Gay Times Magazine, inside the lonely world of MAGA gay men. I haven't read the piece myself by Emma Padra because it's behind a paywall and I'm not going to shell out money to spend time with a bunch of MAGA fagots whining about how no one will fuck them. We know that's what the piece is about. You can see the lead, the first paragraph of the piece, you know where it is going before the paywall kicks in, because that's what these pieces are always about. It's so unfair that no one will fuck me just because I voted for the guy who threw trans people out of the military and who is right now trying to gut funds for PrEP and who has appointed anti-gay judges to federal courts and who took pride flags down at the Stonewall National Monument and who legalized discrimination against gay people by health care providers and federal contractors and on and on. Fuck MAGA gays. Or better yet, don't? I stumbled over a fascinating post on a sub-stack newsletter recently called Heristical, written by British sociologist Jeremy Stangroom about a controversy that enveloped the East Coast Lesbian Festival, the very first East Coast Lesbian Festival in 1989. The event in Massachusetts was intended to be a celebration of lesbian culture and values, and it was a specifically lesbian separatist event, which used to be a thing, lesbian separatism. So basically, no males were allowed at the East Coast Lesbian Festival. It was for women and girls only, and then things blew the fuck up when two lesbian moms showed up with their 16-month-old son. Yeah, it got vicious. As one furious lesbian separatist at the event argued, I believe that lesbians should not be bearing and raising boy children in the first place. Lesbians should not put our valuable energy into raising the oppressor, and lesbians should not be compromised in the development of women-only spaces by the presence of boy children. I bring this history up, or this herstory up for one reason. There was a slogan that lesbian separatist used at the time that I would like to bring back, and I don't think it counts as appropriation since lesbian separatism really isn't a thing anymore. A little like how we took Feast of the Ass, a Catholic feast day about donkeys that no one was celebrating anymore for centuries. Now it's the day we celebrate the eating of butts. I want to adopt and repurpose this old lesbian separatist slogan. Men, don't breed them, don't feed them. Angry separatists shouted that slogan at the lesbian moms at the little boy at that festival. Men, don't breed them as in, don't have boy babies. Don't feed them as in, don't feed any boy babies you might have by accident. It is a little dark when you follow it through to its logical conclusion. But today, nowadays, the term breed, at least among gay men, means to fuck someone in the ass. And feed? Yeah, well, that one's obvious. So I propose we bring back men, don't breed them, don't feed them, but in reference specifically to mega gay men. Don't breed them, don't feed them, don't fuck their asses, don't fuck their faces. If these guys want to get bred and fed, they can breed and feed each other. It's telling that instead of hooking up with each other, mega gays spend all of their time complaining to reporters about how liberal and progressive gay men don't want to fuck them. It's almost as if they find each other just as repulsive as the rest of us find them. I mean, why aren't they dating and fucking each other then? So, normie gays, gays who voted overwhelmingly against Trump. Don't breed mega gays, don't feed mega gays. And mega gays, if you don't want to fuck each other, if you don't want to breed each other, then you'll just have to go fuck yourselves. Alright, coming up on this week's show, a caller from Australia is excited about pegging a military man, a navy boy twice her size. She wants to do it right and asks for tips and tricks. And a caller reconnected with an old high school crush while sitting shiva. The old crush asked the caller out, but there's a catch. That old crush is married. How can the caller find out whether his marriage is open or unhappy enough that the caller might be able to pry it open? And this week's guest, Christine Emba, contributing opinion writer for The New York Times and the author of Rethinking Sex Returns to the Show. She's here to speak with me about her recent column about looks, maxers, where the manospheres going now, and what we can do to get Gen Z off their screens and into each other's pants. And special note for Magnum Subs. Our next Savage Glove Live is actually going to be on Thursday, April 9th, not Wednesday, April 8th, as previously announced. Sorry about the confusion, folks. Please make a note of it. And if you are not already a Magnum Subs, now is the time. Become a Magnum Subs and you get more lovecast, more questions, more guests. More Savage Love, the column invites to Savage Love Live. Our Zoom hangout with me and Nancy and our Magnum Subs. You get sex and politics. You get so much more when you are a Magnum Subs. And if you want more and you know you want more, become a supporter of the show. Become one of my subs right now. That's an order at savage.love.com. This episode is brought to you by Foria, makers of life changing, all natural, organic formulas for your most intimate needs. Right now, get 20% off your first order by going to foriawellness.com. This episode is sponsored by Sundays for Dogs. Dog food, using the same ingredients and care you'd use when cooking for yourself and your family. And really, dogs, part of the family, go to sundayfordogs.com. Slash Savage 50 and get 50% off your first order or just use code Savage 50 at checkout. This episode is brought to you by Carefm, an abortion and reproductive health care provider. Carefm offers both in-person care in Atlanta, Chicago and Washington, DC, and telehealth options for abortion pills by mail in 21 states. Carefm's team of licensed medical professionals provide personalized abortion care options focused on your needs, your preferences, and your values. Visit carefm.org to learn more. That's C-A-R-A-F-E-M.org. Hey Dan and Nancy, I'm a bi-poly man from sunny Melbourne, Australia. Anna, one of my anchor partners, and I have a fun debate and we'd love for you to decide who's right. I think Anna is queer, and she thinks she's straight. She loves having sex with men and has multiple male partners. She's only romantically attracted to men. She's also a sadist but is only interested in pussy torture, eating breasts and fisting. So sex and love with men, sadism with women. Hi Dan, it's Anna, the woman in question. I also love to swim with Leo and am happy to play with ladies because it drives him wild, almost as much as me watching him play with men. I feel straight because I'm only physically and romantically attracted to men. I am not attracted to women, but my sexy times clearly blur the lines. Do you consider heteroflexible to be part of a straight spectrum or the queer spectrum? Am I straight or queer? I have in the past described sexual identity as a bit of a layer cake. There's the first layer, which is who you want to do, what you want to do. There's the middle layer, which is what you're doing, and then there's the top layer, which is what you tell people, how you identify. And if your layers are a neat alignment, what you want to do is reflected by what you are doing and is reflected then by what you tell people. You've got a pretty neat cake, but sometimes people are messy closet cases and what they want to do is what they are doing and it's certainly not what they're telling people. And that cake is a rack. Your cake isn't a rack, you're not a closet case. Your layers just aren't necessarily in perfect alignment. There's what you want to do, the kinds of people you are attracted to romantically, sexually. That's men. Then there's what you are doing, which is you do sometimes play in a kink context with women. You're not sexually or romantically attracted to women, but the activity, the sadism, the kink that you explore, that you're a little by for, I guess, that layer is not in perfect alignment with your bottom layer. But then there's what you tell people and there's a reason you tell people you're straight because it most accurately reflects how available you are to potential partners. Yes, you do sometimes, you're sometimes seen in public playing with women and people might assume then that you are romantically or sexually attracted to women and therefore available for women who might want to date, but that's not true of you. So you, Anna, telling people that you are straight when it comes to sex, when it comes to romantic attraction, I think is roughly accurate. It is what you want to communicate to people, that it is how you want to be understood. And sometimes we want to be understood because we just want to be known for who and what we are, we want to be seen. And sometimes we want to be understood because we don't want to give people false hopes. We don't want people to make assumptions about us that are not true. You don't want the women that you play with to think that they have a shot at you romantically or sexually when they don't. You're just down to play. You're down to explore kink and BDSM with partners of any sex, any gender. But when it comes to love and romance, when it comes to sex, when it comes to who you cuddle with or spoon with or make out with, you are straight. So Anna, I feel like you are entitled to identifying as straight with maybe a little heteroreflexible glaze or edge or heteroreflexible sprinkles when it comes to kink play. I think Anna is the best person to make the determination about whether they're queer identified or straight identified. And I think there's a really good reason that someone like Anna, someone like you, Anna would identify as straight. You want to be understood, but you also want people to understand. You want to be understood for who you are mostly and you want people to understand how you might be available to them and how you might not be available to them. And while you're certainly available to other women for kink, you are not available to other women for love, sex or romance. And I think identifying as straight really puts that across and you have my blessing to identify as straight. This episode is brought to you by Foria, makers of awakened arousal oil, intimacy melts and sex oil. Imagine the best orgasm or sex you've ever had. Now imagine that that orgasm could be even better and it could be with products that are designed to naturally enhance sexual pleasure and make your orgasms bigger and better. Products like awakened arousal oil, a juicy warm up that helps you get really turned on, increasing your pleasure, deepening your orgasms and increasing your connection with your partner. 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Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com slash savage or by using the code savage at checkout. That's f-o-r-i-a wellness.com slash savage for 20% off your first order. I recommend trying Awakened or their Pleasure Set with all three of their best sellers. Let them know the Love Cast at you, foriawellness.com slash savage for 20% off your first order. Hi, Dan. I am a heteroflexible middle-aged cis-gendered woman calling from Australia. I have recently realized that I am quite interested in pegging and f-ing a man. I've jumped on field based on your recommendation and found myself Navy Bratt, who is popping into port next week. I'm hoping to pop into his port, but I need your help in preparing me for that. Basically, what I would like to understand is what should I expect? Is he going to come? Is he going to ejaculate? How do I best achieve that? What makes f-ing a man's ass good? I've seen lots of videos of him being f-cked by other women wearing panties with his legs up. It's pretty hot and I'm into it, but I want to know how am I best going to achieve a good time for him? I am quite like a slight woman that is used to just being dominated by men, which I'm also into. I'm really excited about this kind of power play because he's like a super... He's probably double my size and I just like the idea of feeling powerful and he definitely feels like someone I can achieve that with. I just want to know, one, what do I expect from him in terms of what happens in a man's body when he gets f-cked in the ass well? I also want to know how to best f-ck someone's ass. Obviously, a strap-on and some lube, but please help me prepare because I want this to be the first of many positive experiences. I need your know-how. Please help and wish me luck. What happens in a man's body when he gets f-cked and f-cked well? Well, anal stimulation is amazing. Some men, most men with prostates who are into getting f-cked have wired prostates. Prostate stimulation, stimulation of the prostate gland turns them on. It's not poking at it. You don't drive a dildo or a finger directly into a prostate. It's more like putting pressure on it just like you don't... When you're going to stimulate a woman's mammary gland or a man's mammary gland, stimulate the nipple, stimulate the chest. You don't poke the chest with your finger. You squeeze and massage and rub and lick the tip, right? It's the same thing with that. Well, you're not going to get your tongue all the way to the prostate gland unless you're a lizard. But it's the same thing with the prostate gland. You're putting pressure against it. You're rubbing up against it. You're pushing against it. I guess not squeezing it unless you can get your whole hand in there and open your hand, which you cannot. And that feels good. And again, for guys with wired prostate glands, there are guys out there who really enjoy getting f-cked, who love getting f-cked. And they don't necessarily have wired prostate glands. They don't really particularly feel prostate stimulation. But what they enjoy is that feeling of being open, of being full, of having their ass f-cked. And yeah, so wired prostate gland or not wired prostate gland, you can achieve giving him pleasure. I feel like you don't need me or my expertise really to help you out here. You're going into this first time pegging experience with a partner who has been pegged many times by other women. You have seen the videos. I would kind of like to see those videos myself. You have seen the videos. Consider entering Hump in 2027, humpfilmfest.com, submit. Not with his videos without his consent, but maybe if he wants to make a video with you, you could make that video. You could even make an educational Hump video where he walks you through how he likes getting f-cked, what works for him. And that's what you need to know. You need to know how he likes getting f-cked. You've seen him get f-cked in these videos. You're chatting with him about you f-cking him. Have you told him that this is your first pegging experience, that although he's very experienced at being pegged by dominant women, that you've never gotten to play the dominant role, that you've never gotten to peg a man and you're very much looking forward to this, but you need some guidance. There are people out there who love to get tied up and have been tied up a million times, and they'll sometimes play with someone who has no experience tying anybody up but wants to tie somebody up. And the person who has gotten tied up a million times may give a lot of input and advice and instruction to the person tying them up. Even though the person tying them up is in the dominant role and they're in the submissive role, they're the one with experience getting tied up. They know what works for them. They know what best practices look like. They know what safe bondage is, and they will relay all of that to the brand new bondage top having their first experience. He can do all of this for you as the brand new dom pegging woman, not that all people who peg or f-ck are dom. Some people are subtops or subpeggers. So yeah, a strap-on and some lube and good communication and being honest with this guy, have you told him that you have never done this before and you are going to need him to tell you to walk you through how to f-ck his ass in a way that works for him? You say you want to make sure that he comes. I would encourage you to watch, in addition to the videos that he sent you, maybe some gay porn where people are getting f-cked in the ass and some pegging porn where men are getting f-cked in the ass by women wearing strap-on dildos. And watch those guys come. I guarantee you 99 times out of 100 when the guy getting his ass f-cked by somebody with a dick or somebody wearing a strap-on, when that guy getting f-cked comes, it's because he is dot, dot, dot jacking off. He is stroking himself. He is pleasuring himself and stimulating himself as it happens. Sure, some people can have, in theory, I'm a doubter, I'm a truth, they're a hands-free orgasm. Maybe he's one of those people. Some people can have prostate-only orgasms where basically the semen is kind of pushed out of their dick by tremendous amounts of prostate stimulation. Maybe he's one of those guys, but odds are he's not. Odds are while you peg him, you will catch a groove, you will find a rhythm, and he will be stroking himself and getting closer and closer to orgasm as you peg the shit out of him. But let him take the lead, even though you want to be the dom and you are going to be the penetrative partner, the partner doing the penetrating, I don't know if penetrative is the right word there, you will be the partner doing the penetrating, you will be in the dominant role. Let him lead. He is more experienced than you do. And when he comes, it's going to be because he's stroking his dick as you peg the shit out of him. But yeah, oh my god, hot. He's twice your size and you are going to make that man your bitch enjoy. This episode is brought to you by Sundays for Dogs, which is the most delicious nutritious dog food that has ever landed in a bowl in our home. Just ask Trisket, our cute little caran terrier, a very fussy eater who tells us she loves Sundays for Dogs, by wolfing it down. 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Or you can use the code SAVAGE50 at checkout. I can't tell you. Really, I'm not exaggerating. How much our dogs love this new food that's suddenly in the house, Sundays for Dogs. That's 50% off your first order at SundaysforDogs.com slash Savage 50. Hi, Dan, Nancy in the Tech Savvy at Risk Youth. I'm a 40-ish year old straight woman married to my husband of 13 years. And I guess my question is an existential one. So I'm wondering if men and women are actually supposed to live together. The background is that after 13 years of marriage, I'm just now realizing that my husband seems to be a little bit more mature than I am. After 13 years of marriage, I'm just now realizing that my husband seems to have no interest in my inner life. You know, my thoughts and feelings. And doesn't seem to think that he has any duty of care when it comes to me and my emotional needs. When I talk to other women about it, women my age and older women, they all kind of shrug it off and say, well, of course he doesn't. The general response is that we shouldn't expect this from men and that that's what female friends are for. So I guess my question is, do you agree? Am I naive for thinking that my husband should be able to hold me emotionally and provide care, listening and understanding like I do for him? And if so, then is marriage a completely obsolete institution now that women no longer need to rely on men financially the way they used to in the past? And just a little background about why it took me 13 years to realize this. I think it's because we had children really early into our marriage. And so I spent the first decade really distracted by being parents, newborn phases, then toddler stages. And now that they're older and require less hands on time, I guess I have more time to think about me and my needs. And yes, I have spoken to him about it, but nothing has changed. What do you think, Dan? Joining me to help tackle this question, Christine Emba has thought deeply about dating, mating, marriage and sex. She's a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute and author of the book, Rethinking Sex, a Provocation. You may remember when Christine was on the show last time, we had an argument and I wanted to have her back to help me tackle this question. Christine, thank you so much for coming back on the show. Of course, I love it here. So I wanted to have you on in particular because you recently wrote a column that made me despair of men and worry for Gen Z. Although I'm generally a fan of men, practically a collector at this point. You wrote about this dude, Braden Peters, and I don't know if I should be pleased his name hasn't come up on my show before, or worried that me and my listeners are really out of touch. Who is Braden Peters and what does his existence tell us about men, women, sex, politics, dating and Gen Z? Sure. Well, I don't know if it tells you that your listeners are out of touch. I feel like he's a very generational figure. So yeah, but Braden Peters is an influencer and he's known on the internet under the nominator, Clavicular, and he's an influencer specifically in sort of the looks maxing trend and fields. So looks maxing is this movement that emerged from kind of incel subculture and incels. As we all know at this point, unfortunately, these guys, you feel like they'll, you know, never get relationships and blame women for it. Involuntary celibates. We talked a lot about involuntary celibates over the last like 10, 15 years. Basically, there were some horrendous acts of violence where guys who were sort of blackpilled in the incel online community attacked women, murdered women because of this rage. And there hasn't been an incel sort of related or adjacent mass shooting in years, but from the incel community has kind of emerged these looks maxers. And I guess if I had to choose between a guy shooting up a yoga studio in a rage or hitting himself in the face with a hammer to looks max, I would choose the latter. I would vote the hammer. Absolutely. Yeah, if if the traditional incels are sort of really nihilistic looks maxers are maybe slightly more optimistic and that they believe that, you know, their looks are the reason that they don't have status can't get girls, etc. But they can maximize their looks. The phrase comes from like gaming culture and Dungeons and Dragons where you'd like get points and give your characters different assets and they're like shoving all their points into looks. And they believe that you should go as far as possible, do whatever you can to maximize your looks. According to a sort of perfect model of looks, they've sort of come up within their own forums. That is a man, like it's kind of a stereotypical white man. Matt Boemer, I think is the person Clivicular himself idolizes, which is ironic because Matt Boemer is gay. Right. Yes. So we'll get back to that point for sure. But yeah, looks maxing is kind of anything from just like going to the gym and working out to, you know, ordering Chinese peptides off the Internet and like taking testosterone or maybe like hitting your face with a hammer to create micro fractures that maybe will cause your jawline to get a little bit larger, theoretically. To doing crystal math, which is a part of Clivicular's beauty routine because it suppresses appetite. It does seem that it's hard not to read into the looks maxers ethos, this almost this accusation that we're going to be as shallow as we've accused women of being and make it all about appearance and looks and treat ourselves as this commodity. I do remember people saying when we were debating about in cells, like a lot of young men need to get the message that they need to work on themselves. The message that these men got or seem to have taken is I need to work on myself physically. I need to be a better specimen rather than work on myself in a holistic way. Yeah, like go to the gym. Take you turn yourself out to your best advantage, but also don't be a shallow nihilistic repulsive piece of shit, which it seems to be part of the package with the looks maxers. Right. Yeah, go to the gym, but also maybe read a book. But yeah, so I mean, Clivicular himself became sort of a famous influencer because he would stream online about his looks maxing practices. And he was really, really extreme. Like he says he started taking testosterone at 14. He says, like you say, he, you know, crystal meth to cut weight and achieve weight loss. And it's, it's odd. He talks about frequently, you know, going out and being able to get girls, but it's almost like a side effects. If the in cells wanted to be in relationships or have sex at least, like looks maxers kind of see getting women as evidence of status, but Clivicular, especially it's kind of unclear if he actually even wants women. I don't know what you mean to imply, Ms. Emma. Yeah, I mean, there he was profiled to the New York Times and there's this moment where he basically says like, it's almost better knowing that he can have sex than actually having sex because, you know, sex would be a waste of his time and a distraction from his streaming and Jim Regiment, which is interesting. Like what are our motivations here? Status is often a motivation, especially when it comes to sexual competition, mate selection. Often people will choose mates that aren't the people that they're necessarily attracted to sexually or emotionally, but that are the people who are generally regarded as desirable by most of their friends or by the whole fucking world or men in men in general or women in general. And that seems to be what when I check in on the looks maxers and the way they mug each other and they seem to be more in competition with each other for status than in competition with each other for mates. Just like their shoulder muscles or something they brandish at each other to like outdo each other physically. Yeah, the girls look standing at the corner somewhere. The girls are this, you know, display behavior and not necessarily an erotic target. Yeah, I think looks maxing. It's an extreme, of course, but it does say something about kind of the moment and especially the moment that like Gen Z years and younger generations are inhabiting. First of all, there's just this focus on looks and the idea that like looks are everything. And we live now in an increasingly just sort of visual culture, right? Like if you're dating, you're swiping online, you're looking at someone's face. You know, people are making money from streaming and video. Journalists are made to not just be journalists, but also have a tick tock and a podcast and like, you know, be a figure, be a brand. And so you get the sense that they've imbibe this and they're like, OK, looks looks do matter and status does matter. And then I think also economically, there's this feeling that like everything is kind of falling apart, like the ground is sort of falling out from underneath you almost. The best thing to do is just like self optimize and gain as much status and power as you can in whatever way, even if you're taking kind of insane seeming shortcuts, like starting testosterone at 14 or beating yourself in the face with a hammer, because you just have to get ahead. And like that's more important than relationships, than sex, than anything else. Like those are kind of side games. We are living with the first generation that kind of grew up in the Instagram panopticon grew up observing others performing self, but also then performing self themselves on Instagram. And I really feel like it's breaking people and not just there's been a lot of concern about young women, girls and the damage done to girls by by Instagram. What Zuckerberg knew or didn't know or met a new or didn't know about the negative impacts of social media on young people. And we were talking, there's been a lot of conversation about its impact on young women. And yet here come the young men who grew up in the Instagram panopticon who seem to be not all of them like we don't we can extrapolate from clavicular existence that this is all hashtag not all Gen Z men. But we are seeing, I think in these guys, evidence that it wasn't just breaking or harming adolescent girls but adolescent boys in a way that we didn't see coming. Yeah, I think that's absolutely right. I mean, I, you know, I'm a millennial. So I'm kind of familiar with the era of the metrosexual and like men have in some times at least absorb the pressure that women have to sort of. Make themselves beautiful, but they always have to give it a different name so that it doesn't seem feminized. Well, the ones who are straight have to give it a different name. That's fair. Gay guys have always been consciously aware that like we are subject to the male gaze to just the gay male gaze, which is as scrutinizing and sometimes as brutal as the gaze that women are subjected to by straight men. Yeah, interesting. Yeah, but now everyone is subject to the male and female gaze constantly all the time. And we're seeing what that what that looks like in a different sector. Hey, micro listeners, there's more of my conversation with Christine Mba on the magnum version of the show, including a call we took together from a woman who snooped on her husband's phone and can't unsee what she saw. You can hear the rest of my conversation with Christine on the magnum version of the show, which you can subscribe to at savage.love. You get lots of perks for being a sub. More Lovecast, more Savage Love invites to Savage Love Live and more. Get it all. Get all the Savage Love you've got coming to you by becoming a sub now at savage.love. This episode is brought to you by Cara Femme. It's OK to want an abortion. Did you know one in four people who can get pregnant will have one? So it's actually more common than most people think. At Cara Femme, you can choose what type of abortion care works best for you. They have in-office locations with private entrances in Atlanta, Chicago and the Washington, D.C. areas. And they also offer medically supported abortion pills by mail in 21 states with sliding scale pricing from $0 to $399. It's their mission to make sure abortion is accessible to everyone who needs it or wants it. For some people, it's more comforting to come into a private office where they can visit with one of their medical providers and leave no longer pregnant or with abortion pills in hand. For others, they prefer to get abortion pills through the mail so they can decide the best time and place to complete the process. Getting abortion pills by mail from Cara Femme is simple. Fill out an online form and a licensed provider will review your medical history. And if eligible, your medication will be shipped to you in a couple of days. Cara, their text-based abortion companion, will guide you through the process from start to finish with instructions, reminders and answers to all your questions whenever they come up 24-7. With either choice, know that Cara Femme will support you every step of the way. Learn more at CaraFemme.org. Hi, Dan. This is a 52-year-old cis female calling from just north of Toronto, Ontario. One of my best friend's mothers passed away after the funeral. We went back to the family's home for the shiva, and I encountered a man who I had been friends with many, many, many moons ago when we were both teenagers. And I couldn't help but feel the same attraction to him that I felt as a teenager. And now with the benefit of age and some emotional intelligence and emotional maturity, I can see that what I liked about him back then still exists today. I didn't have the words for it back then. The unfortunate thing, unfortunate for me, not for him, is that he is married. And while we spoke for quite a while at the shiva, we certainly did not talk about the quality of his marriage or how happy he is or is not in that union. My question to you was, I know that I'm going to see him again in the future. He sent me a text saying, hey, it was great to see you. Let's get together for dinner or for coffee. How do I go about asking him if his marriage is open or not, or whether there is even a possibility of him opening up his marriage so that if he is interested, we can explore my attraction to him. I don't want to be crude, especially about a romantic possibility, a romantic connection that may have been reignited or re-sparked at something as somber as a shiva. But did this guy want to fuck you in high school? Did you get the impression at the shiva that he wanted to fuck you still or fuck you now or fuck you then and there? You say you made plans to get together at some point for coffee or dinner and that was his idea. But was he being polite to an old acquaintance and saying, hey, we should get together sometime and catch up? Or did you get the sense from him that just as he wanted to fuck you in high school, he still wants to fuck you wife or no wife, marriage or no marriage open or not? That seems relevant. Not that you can't shoot your shot, not that you can't go for it, not that you can't just ask him. You can make the dread, direct statement and say to him, I had such a crush on you in high school and never acted on it because I was four years older in the age gap then. High school four years is enormous. It's all of high school, that age gap. But now, four-year age gap doesn't really mean anything. But the fact that you're married, that means something. So I would love to get dinner or coffee sometime where you could talk about this, you could say all of this to him during dinner or coffee. I always had a thing for you and it's kind of now in college to meet you later in life and still have that thing for you, but nothing is possible between us because dot, dot, dot, you're married and that means nothing's possible between us. It's highly likely that if he invited you to dinner and the invitation was urgent and not just just your courtesy, that you're about to find out whether he's in an open marriage or not, or trapped in a miserable sexless marriage or not, and looking to do what he needs to do in order to stay married and stay sane. But in the off chance, you don't hear it directly from him. On the off chance, that even if the invitation to dinner was sincere, there's no statement of interest, that he doesn't make a move, that he doesn't tell you if you really want to know, you might have to ask. And I gotta say, tick tock lady, 52, 48. I don't know if he's in a relationship with you or not, but I don't know if he's in a relationship with you or not. That he doesn't make a move, that he doesn't tell you if you really want to know, you might have to ask. And I gotta say, tick tock lady, 52, 48. You've carried a torch for this guy since you were teenagers, since you were in high school, if not now, when? And you were at a shiva when you reconnected, if nothing else that would put you in touch with some sense of your mortality and the sands falling through the hourglass? So ask, ask him, hey, I'm here at this dinner with you and thank you very much for the invitation, because I've always had a thing for you. Is your marriage open? Don't ask whether it's happy or not. Don't open the door to inviting him to possibly cheat on you if he's miserable. Ask if his marriage is open and then tell him if it is. You would like to finally, after all these decades, open your legs for him. Alright, time for listener feedback. First up, a few comments listeners left in the comment thread about last week's show. Says, um eh, I'm lost. The lady dating the guy with the smallish penis should find a new dude, but the dudes who dislike the non-standard labia of another caller are jerks? Is this internally inconsistent or is there nuance here that I'm missing? Red Blonde responded to um eh, it's the mean comments about someone's genitalia that are the difference. Anyone can have sex with someone and decide that it's not something they want to repeat, but it is rude to say why. A simple no thanks or I don't think it's going to work. Best of luck is enough. You know, I always say leave them in better shape than you found them and telling someone on the way out that their dick is too small or their labia are too large. Yeah, that will definitely leave them in worse shape than you found them. Just say, hey, I don't think we're a match. That's enough. Says, Egan Wirt, I have mixed feelings about Dan's micro-cheating rant. First of all, I totally agree that the idea that if you are in love, you will never really want to fuck someone else needs to be shot into the sun. I also agree that a stray Instagram like or lingering glance should be rounded down to nothing. However, I think Dan goes too far in saying only cheating is cheating, especially in the context of a long term relationship. Both people should be able to call into question their partner's behavior, especially if it makes them uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time in the year or so leading up to my wife consummating her affair, trying to put my finger on what exactly was wrong with her behavior and minimizing my feelings instead of trying to express my discomfort. I'm sorry you got cheated on, Egan Wirt, and you make a great point. People in couples should be able to talk with their partners about the things they might be doing that are making them uncomfortable, but we can acknowledge something is making us uncomfortable without rounding it all the way up to infidelity. There's also great advice in the comment thread from Ruby for a caller who was wondering how she and her boyfriend could work up to anal in Ruby's experience. There's no reason to wait to explore anal pleasure, not penetration, but stimulation. You can explore stimulation and pleasure right away. It is a great comment. It is too long for me to share here, but worth diving into the thread to read if you are thinking about giving anal a try. All right, got something you want to say about something I said on this week's show? You can call us and leave us a message, but only a tiny percentage of calls, response calls, comment calls, making out of the show. If you really want to make sure your comment gets seen and read, if you really want to be heard, go to savage.love and put it in the comment thread. That said, we do love your response calls. We love your comments, however you decide to get them to us. And this week, like every week, Savage Love listeners who left voicemails on our answering machine about last week's show get to have the last word. Ciao Dan. This is a comment to the caller from episode 1011 who asks whether it is possible to come too much. He mentioned coming multiple times in a night up to four times in 24 hours. Four times in a night, I would say definitely above average. Four times in 24 hours average, perhaps. However, I would like to mention that in the book The Other Hollywood, the uncensored oral history of the porn film industry. In the chapter entitled Plato's Retreat, it is described how Larry Levinson, owner of Plato's Retreat on Fifth Avenue, bet that he could come 15 times in a day. He won that bet in front of witnesses. Not only that, but apparently he started warming up for the event. So yeah, 15 times in a day. That's impressive. Hey Dan. This is in regard to all of the PUD women's memoirs you've been speaking about in the past couple of episodes. I am here to say that not every woman in an open marriage started out as a PUD. In my case, our marriage opened eight years ago at my husband's request, but it was for me, not him. He knew that I needed some outside experiences that we had been fantasizing about since basically the beginning of our relationship and encouraged me to follow my fantasies. And so now, eight years later, I have several friends with benefits in my life, a wonderful outside partner. And in addition to that, we attend events and clubs and have a great time together. My husband is still the star of my show every single day. We have two wonderful kids, been married for 20 years, and everything gets better, not worse. So I'm here to say that not every open marriage starts because the guy is looking to get his rocks off and the woman dragged along for the journey. Thank God my husband saw in me what I would not have admitted to myself, and I'm so grateful. Hi, Dan. I wanted to offer some reassurance to the caller who was worried he would never find a dominant femme to love and to dominate him. And I wanted to share that, yes, sometimes femmes have never had the opportunity to be in charge. Sometimes they may think they're interested in it, but, you know, it can be intimidating to be the one setting the scene. If you're not certain that the person that you're with really likes what's happening. But then if you meet a boy who is very cute and who really wants it, you really start to notice how fun it is, the way he reacts when you touch him, when you play with his mind and with his body, and you start to go, huh. And we are going to leave it there. Got a sex problem, got a relationship problem, got a comment. Go to savage.love slash ask Dan to record and upload your question or your comment directly onto our website, or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at qat savage.love. Or you can call us at 206-302-2064 and leave us a message on our answering machine. And hey, if you tried something new and you want to share all the dirty details with me and my listeners, send us an email at qat savage.love. Tell us what you tried and you might be our next guest on After Action Report. The Hump Spring Tour. This is our 21st season, 21 years of bringing you the best and most creative, short and smutty films in the world. The Hump Spring Tour screens in Montreal, Pittsburgh, Washington, D.C., Oakland, Long Beach, Bellingham and Fort Lauderdale. This weekend we've also added shows later this spring in Ithaca, New York, Plum Springs, California and Provincetown, Massachusetts. You can watch the trailer for the new show right now and order tickets to a screening near you at humpfilmfest.com. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage, follow me on Instagram at Dan Savage, follow Christine Emba on Twitter at Christine Emba, check out her columns in The New York Times, and her newsletter, The Edit Tricks, is available on socials. The Savage Love Cast is produced every week by Nancy Hortunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week with an installment of the Savage Love Cast. Thank you for downloading. And remember, mega gays, don't breed them, don't feed them. This episode of the Savage Love Cast is brought to you by Load Boost by VB Health. Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume and the overall health of your semen. If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable made in the USA, NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. Thousands of guys across 50 states and 45 countries swear by Load Boost. If you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences, if you want better taste, better mouthfeel, go to loadboost.com today and use code SAVAGE for 10% off. Or click the link in this week's episode description. That's loadboost.com and use offer code SAVAGE.