EP 58: From Broken Childhood to Womanhood: Stu Boy’s Wife, Destiny O’Brien’s Journey

Disclaimer. At Two Addicts in the Moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. And we are back to Two Addicts in the Moron. Another episode. Missed You Boys and Ladies, like crazy. And we have a very special yet close guest to the podcast. Someone that I would argue was pretty instrumental in getting this thing built, you know. And just like that. Ladies and gentlemen, Destiny O'Brien. Hey. Destiny, how do you know Mike? I am his fiance soon to be wife. All right. All right. And Mike, how do you feel about that? You know, I never thought we were talking about this last night. I never thought that I would get buried again. Yeah. After my first one, I was like, fuck, you know, just not in the cards. I'll just be a dad from now on until I met Destiny. And then when I met her, I was like, yeah, I'm still not going to get married. And then I couldn't get rid of her and kept staying around and staying around. Now, it's a she literally like right now is the happiest that I've ever been. And I couldn't find a girl that loves me. More than she does. I mean, sometimes it's silly because I do some really ratchet shit. Yeah. And, you know, first of all, I love you more. Yeah. For that. Yeah. Because of that. I mean, like in spite of all of that, I shot you on the back of the toilet bowl all the time. I scrape it off every day. Okay. All right. That that that ladies and gentlemen, that is the love right there. That is the love. She told me the other day, she said, like, I don't know how you get it above the water, but how did you get it on the. Oh, it's on the brim of it. Like where the water comes out of how the fuck do you get? Yeah, like on the under seat, like it has like freckles. Bro, I'm sitting. It's just the under seat has freckles. Yes. How? Yeah. Well, it's it's it can get violent. It can get violent. And then she texts me. I'll say this one. I asked one. She texts me the other day and I'm reading this text and it's like, Hey, this is the last time I'm going to ask you. We have a stand up shower in our master bathroom. Yeah. When the morning, when you have morning would it's not easy to go pee. Yeah. So I just pee in the shower. Okay. And then I've sometime most of the time I wash it out. You never washed it out until like this week. Anyways, so she's like, so I get a text and it's like, this is the last time I'm going to ask you stop pissing in the shower. It's bad enough that you don't rinse it out, but I go to look at my find my hair brush and there's piss all over it. Oh, and as I'm reading it, cause I already start laughing and she knows me so well and I know you're fucking laughing right now about it. Yeah. Well, that's awesome. Well, that's thanks for coming on. And I know this was a bit of a last minute thing and I know you're pretty nervous about it. No, fuck yeah. Oh fuck yeah. So I know your story is, is filled with with a lot of turns and it's pretty intense. So what is your experience with addiction? So I, you know, when it, when it started off, it was the basic like doing high school stuff like on the weekends or whatever. I started smoking weed and drinking when I was 15. And there were things that like led up to that for sure. You know, and then smoking cigarettes. I'm trying to like rebel against like everybody in my life. And then, you know, when then a few years it started like ramming up a little bit as shit started rolling in my life and pieces started falling into place. That's when I started like picking up. I started doing cocaine. I started doing acid shrooms like 24 seven. I was like one of the main things that I did. And then by the time that I had turned 18, I had left my mom's house and got an apartment and in the span of four months I was on fentanyl and DMA couldn't hold down a job to save my life. Couldn't afford my rent. I'm living with fucking seven or eight people. I don't even know like in a studio fucking apartment. People are sleeping in my bathtub. There's some chick laying on my kitchen floor. Don't know who she is, but she's all right. You know, kind of situation. Wow. And so fentanyl, how did you get into that? Were you shooting it or? I was smoking it. And the first person who introduced me to that was my actual brother. Okay. And your brother has a little bit of a past with fentanyl too. Oh yeah. Right. Yes. This is this is kind of affected a bunch of people in your family. Yes. And so, I mean, do you mind talking a little bit about that? Not at all. My brother was always a very like spirited person, like the kind of person like walks in a room and like just lights it up by smiling. Everybody loved him. I was the weird ass and growing up, but I had no friends. He was my only friend in middle school and most of high school. And you know, at the time there was a family member of ours that had him like working on like lots and stuff, like some real like child labor shit, um, working on these lots on container homes and stuff. And he'd be out there two, three days at a time, not coming home. And that's when like he started getting to be more different. Um, well, you don't really know what was going on, but he was like, you know, showing up in a different way and not as happy. Um, and very erratic. Um, and by the time he was like about 13 or 14 years old and I would say like seven, third grade, he was getting in trouble every day. Like he had gotten to the point where, um, he had gotten caught selling a captain Morgan shots in the bathroom for like $12 pop, like fucking really like having a business, um, getting suspended. Um, he got suspended the first week of high school to fucking doing the same shit. And then after that, like we ended up moving, um, my mom and stepdad got divorced. We ended up moving, uh, to Fort Worth. And um, that's when sit when, when the shit really started to hit the fan. Um, cause now me and him were both being ripped out of a current situation and putting it into an entire new place. And that just made everything like more uncomfortable. We were driving like almost every day, like see up in school, especially during COVID. Like we didn't have to show up anymore. You know, it was all online. And, uh, you know, it all like the, the main thing started to kick off when we got invited to a hotel party, the two of us. My mom said, yes, we went and, uh, you know, it was a really fun night, uh, some drinking, some smoking, some weed or whatever. Um, and then after that, he stopped coming home. Like we had spent like a, probably like two days there and it got to the point where I was like, okay, I'm going to go home now. I'm kind of tuckered out and he stayed. And then I came back about three days later to pick him up. My mom was like, this, this motherfucker needs to come home. And I knocked on that door and he's like, like wide eyed fucking looks not at all the same, like tweaked out of his mind. And I had no idea what was going on. I assumed like, oh, he's like really off the shit right now. Um, and he probably needs to, you know, go home and sleep. He refused to come home. Like I went next door and, you know, was helping out some way. They were like conjoining rooms and she was like, Oh yeah, your brother's on that ice. I was like, holy shit. Like he's going to be just like my dad freaked out about it. And then I mean, after that, it was meth for a while. heroin by the end of, um, by the end of high school for me with him. Um, and then he was in and out of jail. Like he had caught in his first case when he was 15, went in for a year, got out, went right back in and it was just like on and off in and out all the time. Um, until like more recently when he got a pretty, uh, heavy sentence this time. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, he got in, correct me if I'm wrong, but he got in trouble for dealing fentanyl right? And it's a ledge that he was one that gave somebody where they ended up passing away. Yes. And so he's, he's doing some big boy time right now. So yeah, I mean, that's, that's rough. That's rough. So, I mean, do you, do you think that, um, you've had more of an experience watching other people be addicted than yourself? Definitely. Yeah. Cause I can, I watch this bright boy. I mean, it's so intelligent, so good in school. Life of the party go from being a cool kid with surfer boy hair and always just loving life to being a kind of a piece of shit, like treating everybody terribly. You know, watching him change, not showing up for people. He's falling asleep at family gatherings. He's the last time that I saw him, we actually tried to help him get sober. He said he was ready. He came and we got him a hotel to detox and we, and then for a few days, and then we got him a free detox through a friend of ours. Um, free rehab, free rehab, 90 day rehab. Yeah. And when he showed up, we got him a bus ticket. He showed up and I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until I went to hug him and I literally felt his bones crack. Like his eyes were like yellow, the whites of his eyes are yellow. And I mean, you can tell he just was like on the, like right on the brink of death. Like it definitely is. I feel like when you're doing something yourself, you're not seeing it the same way, like you look in the mirror every day and you see yourself slowly changing. So it's not as extravagant. I think, but when you watch someone that you love go from being incredible to being not the person that they, they were, it's heartbreaking. Especially when you're sober, when you get to watch it. Oh my God. Like when we're using together, like I'm not going to notice how bad you look. We were on the same stuff for a while. We hung out quite a bit actually. It was when I got clean and moved to Austin that like we went almost a year without seeing each other. Yeah. See, so this is like the part that I missed with him, right? Because I met him and he was already on it. So I knew him when he was on it. So it's kind of like in a little bit of reverse, right? Like I saw him struggle and then watched him get better. Right. Like you had to watch. Yeah. I mean, I was. Normal, normal, right? To not normal to. Where it ended up getting. Yeah. And to that's got to be a crazy experience for somebody that year. I have to roll a coaster. Yeah. It's terrible. I bet. I bet. Well, so. Uh, how long is he in for? He got sentenced for 19 years. Um, he is, he just turned 20th of February. Man. So he is a child. Um, at the end of the day, like, um, he's probably going to have to do close to what, like. Ten years. Between eight to 10 years before he can even get parole. Um, yeah. Yeah. That's, that's got to be rough. And how is, I know that parents might have had a little bit of a struggle too. Oh yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, do you think that that bridge just kind of hit you naturally? Oh, this from the example that. 100%. Um, me and my brother definitely suffered in that sense in different ways. Um, isn't the first person you got high with was your mom? First person I got high with was Kayden. Okay. And I did get how my mom said, like all throughout my software engineer, that's all, that's all I did was a smoke and, and you showed my mom. And for people that don't know, where was your dad? In prison. Prison. Yeah. He was never around. No. Um, I'm, I'm sure that as a child, like three, four, whatever years old, I hadn't met him before, but not that I actually remember. Like I was too young to actually remember that. And he would never made an impact. Um, the first time I actually met him was when I was 16 and he had gotten out of prison after doing that. I want to say like it was like nine consecutive years that he was in or something like that. Um, well, he made an impact. Just a negative one. Oh, fuck yeah. I'm a positive. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I met him once we had a dinner with him when he right when he first got out. Um, most uncomfortable family reunion of my entire life. Like that was an interesting situation. Um, and then I hung out with him three more times after that. And then he wanted nothing to do with me again. He was so busy doing the drugs and stuff. Um, and then my mom, um, you know, out in my younger years, I want to say between the ages of like, you know, zero to like five years old or whatever. She was on meth and I believe crack as well. Um, but the, the, the whole parenting thing is like it affects people differently. Like, like, uh, not having a father in the home is going to affect any child. Um, but like, I just talked to my brother before this too. Um, and I, you know, told him about this and he said, you know, he agreed with me in the sense of like not having a father as a, as a girl, it doesn't, it's, it's different because I didn't know what a man was supposed to be like. I brother tried his best to like be the man at the house. But at the end of the day, he's a boy, you know, I never had like a man to show me like this is how you, this is, this is the respect that you deserve from, from people and on more to that point from men in general, tell a man's supposed to treat you. Yeah. And then like it gives you a sense of like, like for Kailin, for example, like you as a father, I watch you build her up in a way that like, you know, her mom is wonderful, but you build her up in a, in a whole different area of life. She needs the both of y'all, right? And she finds a lot of, um, like when, when she, when you tell her a story and she repeats it back to you with the details and stuff to see you light up over that and her know that like you're proud of her, how she does in sports and stuff, those arenas that you take care of are very much so like building up who she is. She knows that like she deserves this. She knows that dad's got her and everything, right? Whereas like I didn't have that neither did my, my younger sister. Um, whereas my brother was trying to learn how to be a good man from a woman who didn't respect herself. Right. Right. So I've, I've said that a lot, um, maybe not on here, but it, you know, I have a son, I have a daughter and I remain pretty close to their mother. You know, it's a similar dynamic is you and, and, and Kailin's mom and, um, it's a lot of people don't get it. It's, it's hot. I mean, it's hard when you're dealing relationships. It's, it's tough to watch that be tight. Right. But I, I've always fallen back on this. It's like, what kind of a man am I raising? If the only woman that he loves unconditionally and she loves them back, which is mother's son, right? There's no conditions around that at all. If I don't treat her with love and respect, what am I saying to him on how to treat another woman? And the same thing for my daughter, like, right? And kind of the other, what kind of bar am I setting for her to be? If the only woman and the woman that she looks up to her dad is not nice or mean or something other than respectful to her. Right. 100%. And it's man, the dichotomy of that though, it's like, you know, cause Mike and I, we pride ourselves on the dad, like right on being the dad. And, and sometimes it's, it's hard because you do need a little bit of the tough love sometimes. And that's like the worst. That's the worst thing to do. And having someone like yourself or Amy, for me, you know, cause she will point things out for me sometimes that is like, you're, you're just, I'm giving them whatever you want. It's, you know, I just like, I have to, you're, I, you really have to think about that. So it's, I don't, so for you specifically, I'm glad that you have found the other end, but in life, you know, you're always going to have the examples of what, who to be like, what to be, how to be it. But you can draw just as much power from what not to be like those, those examples of, I don't fucking want to be like that. Right. Like, and you can, you can pick and choose. You can make a silver lining out of anything. Yeah. Right. And so it sounds like you kind of have. I actually, I credit most of that to Mike. Like I fully intended that like, and the way that I'm, the way that my mom raised me is the way that I thought parenting should 100% be. Yeah. We talked about that early on in your guys's being together. Oh, we had a private conversation in here before. And I remember having that, that conversation with you. Yeah. You were like, you were like a little jealous. Oh, 100%. I'm actually glad you brought that up. Yeah. Um, yeah. Like that's some real shit. I used to piss me off when he'd say, well, why are you getting jealous over a seven year old? I was so pissed. I was like, like, because I didn't think I was being jealous. I was like, well, you shouldn't give her this and you shouldn't give her that. Right. I'm not understanding the whole process behind it. Right. And then I realized after like really breaking it down to myself and actually talking to my sponsor too was that I'm watching him be the dad that I didn't have. Right. Like real daddy issues here. Like this is the shit. This is we're getting into this stuff. But like, Oh, it is, it is a big deal to me because I watch his daughter like she's, he has never missed a game. Like I don't think even one. I've never missed anything. No, every practice he's there, every game he shows up to everything. Like, and, and like my mom, it was a struggle to even get her to show up to fucking choir performance, meet the teacher thing, fucking anything wasn't happening. Like, um, you know, and I'm watching his daughter grow up with this like, you know, wondrous thing and it does, it does, you know, in my, in like my mind, I guess, draw back to like, well, like shit, God did like, what did I do to not deserve that? I mean, it's also like, maybe you, you look at that too. And this is easy to do. It's an easy trap to fall in, but it's like, you know, why? What did I didn't have that, of course. And I don't, I don't know what I'm really trying to say here. But, um, also maybe from the, you looking at it from her eyes, why don't you appreciate that more or like, but at the end of the day, it's like, man, a kid and we have friends, kids and we all have different parenting styles. But one thing that a mom said was like, you know, they should just know how good they've got it. And I would argue, no, they don't. They don't need to know that. Yeah. You know, and then it's something that I've realized even more recently, like when the last six months is like, it's not my place to say what she should know or what she shouldn't also look, I hope to God that she never has to experience any sort of feeling the way that I felt growing up or, you know, that, that kind of pain, um, something I'm really grateful for that I get to be a part of something, something so awesome. Like I'm not her parent, but I get to be in some sense a part of raising her. And like I am, I am, she called me her bonus mom. And the first time she said it, like made me cry. I was like, don't look at me. Don't look at me. You know, um, I was sick the other day in the car and I'm having Mike like speed home and she's like, rubbing me in the back seat, you know, like rubbing my back and she's like, are you okay? Like, you're gonna, dad's going to make you feel better. Okay. And if you want anything, like I told her one day, oh, I don't have the money right now to do that. She goes, I have four dollars. You can have it. I'm like, he's raising such a kind child that it like blows my mind. Whereas for me growing up, I think like I was raised in such a like kind of shitty situation that like me and my siblings and my mom were all very selfish for what we had because we had so little that we held onto it with like a white knuckle grip. Right. Well, with, with that little girl too, you know, she had to take care of you on several, I would only imagine several occasions. Right. So I think that that would probably be part of that compassion that she's just going to have to be that nurturer. Yeah. Right. And I mean, I'm glad she has it. It's kind of like you, man, I'm glad that you went through what you went through to be you right now. Right. I hate that she might have had to do some shit that we would have not wanted her to do. Yeah. Something I would never want her to do now. Right. Is to take care of me. Right. And you might not have even realized it at the time. Yeah. I remember her mom told me one time, she's like, how come Katelyn had to take care of you this weekend? I was like, because I was sick and she's like, she's five. Yeah. Like, why was she having to make you, she don't even make herself serial now. And she's nine. Yeah. Why was she having to make you serial and stuff for the weekend? And I couldn't tell her mom because I was dope sick that whole weekend, you know? But yeah, I mean, unfortunately she went through some of those things. And, you know, I don't, I don't beat myself up over it anymore because I know that she learned like some valuable lessons from it. And I know that she'll never have to go through it again. Right. Right. So. Well, she came out on the other end being like that to you. Right. I think a lot of that comes from like the way that she is, is it comes from, she also watches her daddy always taking care of other people. Like when someone calls, he answers that phone. If somebody needs something, he's there like, you know, and she's getting to grow up and see like her dad is so helpful. Like, and I think she wants to be that same way. You know, it's a really beautiful thing. She told me the other day, whenever we get too old for this podcast, she wants to take it over. Okay. She said, I want to take the podcast over. Well, you need to tell her that she's signed up for the moron spot immediately. She is not allowed to be the addict. She can't be the addict. You cannot be the addict. Not going to be acceptable for that one. Although I don't think we have much to worry about with her being, being pretty heavily involved. So, how'd you meet Mike? I met him at a meeting. Yeah. Oh, romantic. Yeah. Candle lit. Those are pretty dim-lit. It's set in the mood pretty well. Yeah. And is a good thing with Billy Bob Thornton over here. Yeah. Yeah. I was, uh, I was like 13 days clean, like still coming off a lot of shit. Um, and just like not doing well at all. And I went to this meeting randomly. Like my, my, my several living ladies were like, you have got to go to a meeting. You can't stay here all day. I was like, okay, cool. I'll go to a meeting. I went to the closest one and I didn't even like see him first. He had walked by me and I smelled his colon and I was like, who I want that one. Yeah. I want whatever that is. Right. And he sat down and he actually had Kailin with him at the time too. I was like, oh, okay. I kept looking up through the whole meeting and everything. And I was like, man, he's so cute. Like just watch him. And then, you know, in the back of my head, I'm thinking, man, he really is fine. He's a meth. I used to got all this teeth. Most of them at least like, this is crazy. Yeah. When that meeting ended though, pretty low bar there. So I know he's got all his teeth. Hey, he's got all his teeth and he smells good. I shot high. I want that one. Shot out of a cannon. Oh yeah. Brought his kid to a meeting. Yeah. There's a guy. I hope for this guy. All the way to the top. Yeah. I think like when the meeting ended to like, we had been like kind of looking at each other in the meeting, like kind of checking each other out. When the meeting ended, I took off. Like I was not in a place to talk to anybody either. When I came back the next day and he was there. Same thing. I'm doing the bat in my eyes. I might try to like get him to notice me, you know, whatever. And then, you know, left the meeting. He didn't talk to me and then I was walking in my car. He followed me down to the parking lot and he, he goes, Hey, I'm Stu. I was like, Oh, hey, Stu. He goes, you know, I know a lot of women in the program. So if you give me, if you give me your number, I'll connect you with them. I was like, Oh, okay. I'm here to help you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Here to help you. And then it went off from there. Funny thing is though, like some of that I actually told you recently was when he told me his name was Stu, he never said Mike. You know, just you. I had him in my phone for like two weeks as Stuart. Yeah. He fucking, he fucking introduces himself as Stu, everyone. Like, and if it wasn't for Ramon, our, our buddy, him telling me that you were coming over, he's like, Yeah, my buddy, Mike is coming over. And then you got there and I was like, Hey, how you doing up, Joey? You were like, Stu, I was like, Yeah, it's confusing. Yeah. Yeah. Funny part is he wants to get mad when people are like, we're at Chick-fil-A or Starbucks, whatever. Instead of saying Mike, like when you hear Mike, you know how to spell it. It's pretty easy, right? He says Stu, it's coming out like S-T-E-W. Like he's getting mad. I'm like, just tell them your name. It's so, it's so much simpler. But he's always got to be extra. Oh dude, this is the most extra dude. I, maybe the most extra dude I've ever met. We'll be 30 minutes down the road, like on our way late to do something. And he's like, I forgot my chain. We got to turn around. Are you fucking kidding me right now? You're going to drive 30 minutes back? I just checked just now to make sure we were going to pause this fucking thing for a second. So do you want to talk about your childhood? Sure. Okay. So, um, how do you think growing up, like you grew up with a single mom, right? And your dad wasn't around. And, and you had you, your brother and your sister. And then you also have three other siblings from the same dad. Yes. Like he's just, makes a lot of babies. He's busy. Yeah. And, and which is crazy because he's, he's been in prison a lot. So when he gets out, he's just like, but anyways, um, how do you think your childhood affected you using? Cause I know that you were really big in church and you sing really good and you have a great voice and you sang in the choir and you were really big in church. How do you think, um, your childhood affected that? And did things happen in your childhood that steered you to using besides the examples that were set for you? Um, yeah. So like grew up in kind of like a shitty, I grew up in Riverside and Fort Worth, which is like not a good spot. Um, you know, and then with, with the single mom thing, like we were always bouncing around from place to place, cause you know, we could only like afford to live for so long, you know, um, my mom would work at a breakfast place till two and then go straight from there to a bar. I was always with a babysitter when we didn't have a place to live. I was, you know, we were couch hopping or we stayed in a few motels, like growing up and stuff, like, damn, we did not do well. Like obviously, and I say this with like a grain of salt, like I was so young. I don't remember much of that. I had a great time sleepovers all the time. It was wonderful. Um, but I know it was definitely a struggle and like my mom was so young to her mom had me at 18. And so she didn't know what the fuck she was doing. Um, you know, like doesn't, doesn't know what she's doing. And then all the people around her too, or you know, her friends are closest people. Don't know what they're doing. Either they're so young and those are the people who looked after me. You know, um, my, my play aunts and uncles, you know, um, and so just always kind of like moving around as a kid and like, you know, I think, I think the one thing that really like kind of saved me is I always had a friend. Like I always had me and Kayden or 14 months apart. Yeah. You know, so I, we were always, you know, friends. My sister was only a baby at the time, really, like maybe like two years old too. But, um, you know, my mom worked so much and then she was also on drugs. I mean, in my, in my life, I've been taken away by CPS 14 different times. 14. And almost always given back between 48 hours to like a week because CPS doesn't like feeling like people work. Fuck, man. And I mean, what's it like going through CPS like through the eyes of a child? Like I, I'm sorry for asking you this, but I kind of think it's important to know. It's really kind of a roller coaster feeling like. There is that concern. I remember being a kid and my mom having like kind of trained us on like what to say when people of authority talk to us, right? Like, you know, and then I had gotten so well versed in talking to CPS that it was like, does your mom smoke? Nope. She doesn't smoke any kind of like cigarettes, special cigarettes. Nope. Nope. She, what time do you, is she home a lot with you? Absolutely. Does she work a lot? Do you, are you with a lot of babysitters? No, my mom is very involved. Right. Like, yeah, as a kid answering these questions, like off the fly, like being trained to know exactly what to say, right? I remember right before my mom had gotten married to my stepdad, I was at school and was getting out of school. I remember like a, I got called over the intercom and I went to the office, you know, all the kids are, you know, and I'm like, oh shit, I don't know what I did, but went there and they're asking me all the same questions, you know, um, does your mom hide anything in her room? Does she have a special drawer or safe or anything? Like just trying to like answer the questions the way I'm supposed to. And then, you know, I went back to class, lady left and after school, I thought I was being kidnapped. Some lady walked up to me and like, you know, was like, Hey, we're going to get in your car. We're going to go to the hospital. Like, um, my brother had gotten, uh, my sister, my sister at two years old took a brush to the back of my brother's head, my brother's head and had like a cut and it pretty deep in his stitches. My mom didn't take him. Like he was bleeding bad. My mom didn't take him because my mom was fucking irresponsible on drugs. And how old? My sister was two. No, how old are you? I was five. Whoa. Yeah. And so he had a big ass gas. She sells a scar like in the back of his head. He needed stitches and my mom just didn't take him and they, so they took that as like another thing of like, okay, we need to get these kids out of his house. Um, and, you know, initially like the lady was like, we're going to get in my car, we're going to go there or whatever. And you know, I got in with her eventually. Thank God it was actually like a person that's like real authority. Um, and I remember my mom was crying. They were talking about, you know, taking us away. They're trying to do a drug test. My mom, you know, there's a lollipop drug test, right? That shit would not turn into a sponge. She could not squeeze it between her teeth. They were, had her do another one, another one, another one wasn't working. And then at that point they were like, we're going to put these kids in the foster system. And so my mom's calling everybody, like my aunts, uncles, fucking trying to find me at home to stay in, but no one's taking in three kids indefinitely. Like for, they don't know how long. And so we were, my mom was signing the papers to go into the foster system. And my stepdad's mom called and was like, I'll take all three of them. Which like, she wasn't your stepdad yet. Right. No, not yet. They got married when I was like six and a half turning seven. Okay. But she took us in and she is a saint of a woman. Like took us to church. That's how I got involved in the church is she would take us to church. She would like give me in the kids choir. Uh, I was, I was learning how to like, you know, serve the coffee or whatever. To the back of the singers and the church. And I got baptized and under her care. I was with her for about like, I want to say like between three or four months. I lived with her and my siblings did too. And she just gave us like so much of like, she got us in school. You know, and I went to that elementary school for like the last like two or three years or whatever before, um, they, my parents getting married or whatever, um, but like the CPS thing was always like that. Like, and then I had a few more, several more like interactions with CPS, you know, before now, but, um, yeah, it really is kind of a roller coaster of emotions, but I also was so well trained like to just know what to say. And like not, you know, you do it for the family is what my mom always said. Do it for the family and don't say anything that's going to get you in trouble. So you just don't talk about, you know, you over. You make everything sound so amazing that like whatever. And when we didn't, we got into a little fucking trouble, not just cause like getting taken away, but my mom would usually be like pretty pissed off that we made her sound bad. Damn. Excuse me. So, um, turn 14 times. You're basically, I mean, from what you're telling me, you're like, the protector of the family because these people are going to come talk to you. You being the eldest. I definitely had a lot of weight on my shoulders growing it for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. You being a protector. Yeah. Yeah. You were protected your family. You were protecting. You were protecting your family when your mom couldn't protect your family. But also not because you know what I mean? Oh yeah. It's not your fault. I'm not saying that it is. Yeah. We're just like lying to put us in a worse situation instead of getting us out of it. Or keep you in there and you know, accountability, accountability is a motherfucker. And one of the more stressful things too was like we were never really gone for more than like maybe 72 hours. Like we would go and like stay with someone or like CPS like, I don't know if they still have, but they used to have these like offices in the back that had like bunk beds and toys and stuff. And you would stay there at the office for a couple of days or whatever and hang out. And then they'd bring you back or they'd send you into a foster care program. We never got sent into the foster care program. We kept coming back. Didn't you find out here recently? Well, I know you found out that at some time during your young childhood, yeah, there was a family that actually took you for like a year. Yeah. And they were, they were, was they a Mexican family that taught you Spanish a little bit? Yeah. That's something she just found out here recently. You want to talk about that? Absolutely. Yeah. Um, uh, I was talking to my aunt and uncle and they were talking about like, do you remember your abalita and abalita? And I was like, no, I don't have one of those, you know, like, she said, yeah, this family took you in for a year and they've actually been close to my dad's side of the family their entire life. Um, they took us in for a year and like they were telling me that, you know, I had a bedroom there, like my own bedroom and they got like, you know, birthday cakes and toys and they even converted their garage into a playroom for us. Like they loved us so much or whatever. Thought us how to speak Spanish. We had like a big family to Molly's on Christmas, like making them all together and everything. And my mom was so like upset about them, like trying to like raise us and take a further own, like my mom, I think got mad that I was learning how to speak Spanish and then showed up with the cops and took us back one day and like broke their hearts, like all of the photos I have as a kid, like I don't have any of them. They have them or whatever. But like, I'm hoping to get those back someday. Yeah. You don't have many photos from childhood. I don't know. I don't, I, I had one picture as a baby. Um, but it's so faded that I can't even see what I look like. It's literally, I can see my feet. Damn. So what's life looking like for you now? Oh, it's awesome. Like I definitely like Mike has shown me like a new way of life, not just in the sense of like, um, you know, like we do go more places and we like, you know, have a house and everything. And it's, it's fucking wonderful. It's something I never thought I'd have. You have a podcast studio in your house. It's fucking crazy. I woke up the next day and it was just here. Like it was wild. I want to get back to that. I want you to finish. So keep going, but remind me of the podcast studio and it coming up because I want that from your viewpoint. Yeah. Um, how was I talking about? Talking about how your life is now. Oh yeah. And, um, like Mike's also given me like a different, like moral code to live by, I guess, like you really changed me for the better and like every single way possible. Like, um, my patience has grown. I'm like so much more optimistic than I used to be like, oh, everything's just going to be terrible. I had no faith. Oh, it was terrible. And, you know, um, I wasn't very kind. I wasn't always very like, I wasn't not very truthful. Like I had some more faults than I even care to admit. And like, you really turned that around for me and, uh, you know, teaching me how to be a better person. Like I credit all of that to you truly. Well, it takes you to be able to change that to you. Yeah. And I never faulted you. Like in our beginning or relationship, like when I would catch you in like little lies, because I knew that you were telling me these lies. So I wouldn't leave. Right. And maybe cause I would, you thought that I would judge you for your past. And the person that you was, not the person that you are, but I've, I know that the person that you was during your addiction, isn't the person that you are. Well, I mean, it's none of us, none of us are. Right. And, um, I've seen you grow so much in the last couple of years. Like when, when you and Katelyn do y'all's little shit that y'all do now, like there's nothing that brings me more joy than when y'all are doing girl shit or when like you're showing her how to, even though I fucking hate makeup. When you're showing her like, well, this is how you do this and this is how you do that. Or like fucking like when you're doing her hair and stuff. Like that's something like when I met you, that those are things you wouldn't have done. I had no, I didn't have the patience for her. Yeah. She's a very like energetic child. I did not have it in me to deal with that at the time, but now I'm realizing like that's, that's another thing too is like, I was raised in like, you don't speak unless you're spoken to children should be seen and not heard. Like I didn't have an opinion. I wasn't allowed to God forbid. Like I do a cartwheel on the living room. I'm getting my ass beat. Like when Katelyn used to say stuff to me, she would look at me like, oh shit, here it goes. I was like, you know, when he wouldn't, he wouldn't be sitting there and I'm, and she's, she's getting riled up and I'm like, fucking world star. Like, I'm just like really like sitting there. And then when he's like, you know, you need to apologize or whatever. And she's like, okay, I'm sorry. I'm like, what in the fuck? She didn't need to get beat for that. That's crazy. It was right off the rip for me. And so like, you know, things are, are so much more different. I'm realizing now that like the way that I was raised, I wasn't really raised to be like a kid, you know, I had so much responsibility even at like a young age that like the fun thing for me wasn't like that childhood wonder wasn't fair for me, whereas it is for her. Like she is, I, you know, I see her and I'm like, she's almost 10 years old. She's supposed to be like this, right? No, that's how I was at 10 years old. And, but she's just being like a normal child. Yeah. Yeah. Being a normal kid to someone like yourself with your upbringing, it's, there's got to be some, especially with it being in your own home. That's got to be some pretty crazy, like thoughts and feelings behind that and to grow into it is something that I'm for sure very proud of you for doing because I, because we've talked before, you know, Mike's out and I'm waiting for him to get here because he's late all the time. And we would sit here and talk. We'd have like a couple of really good conversations. And, and I remember you telling me some of these, some of these feelings that you had about it. You were just like, I just don't know what to, and I'm like, it's just kind of normal shit that's going on in your house and you weren't raised around normal shit. Like I tell you, like she was doing a cartwheel today and you're like, yeah. Yeah. Okay. And well, and she was doing this and she was watching her phone super loud and like, okay. Yeah. And I'm like, why are you not as heated about this as I am? Yeah. So confused and then come to find out like, oh, that's like normal. Yeah. It's not. Well, you, your upbringing was not normal. Your, your circumstances were abnormal. And, you know, not, not your fault that that's just kind of what you view it as, right? And you viewed it as, but I called you out on it. Like in here, I was like, look, this is a you problem. Yeah. This is definitely a you problem. 100%. And so I'm, I'm proud that you're, you've, you've found the other side and it's, and I get to watch it a little bit closer than most and you're doing a really good job, doing a really good job. Yeah. So about this podcast, I really, you were pretty instrumental in this for a couple of different reasons. I know you called Mike out at one point because I kind of kept my hands off of it for a minute and he was just like, yeah, we need to do this and we need to do that. And I'm like, all right, man. Well, let's just let me know when, whenever you're ready. And I think at one point he told me like you had kind of booted him in the ass and like, you've been talking about doing this fucking podcast where once you fucking do it, you know, you were like, to fucking get in there and start making some shit happen. I started this after he told me that I saw a little turn. And, um, and then you guys, you had a little road bump. Oh yeah. Uh, right before all these walls came up, you guys had a little bit of a, of a rough time. Yeah. You know, and that's really when the walls came up. Yeah. So, um, you know, thanks for giving them a rough time. Oh yeah. Because without that rough time. Three in the morning, I hear like a drill and saws going. I ain't letting this motherfucker sleep. She had me all heated. But she ain't sleeping for shit tonight. Oh, he was making, she had the TV all the way up to play and like his sad music. What is that? What is that song you always play that pisses me off? Oh, fuck. Like he plays it so much when he's upset that now I've connected it to like when he's upset, I'm like, come on. Yeah, you know, you're like, oh, fuck. He's mad again. Yeah. Oh, let's give us you want you go away. That's one of them. I have the whole playlist. Oh yeah. It's the whole destiny fuck yourself playlist. And that's what it's called. I just get that's made out of every time, every time he's upset, like he plays like a song like certain songs, whatever. So now I've connected those songs to him being upset. And we're gonna have that happen, though. Like even in you, even in my relationship with Amy, it's like I come in and I can kind of spot what mood she's going to be in by the end of like she's his name. Why now she can be sassy as fuck. Like, you know, like my favorite thing is when we would Mac, we're. Yeah, make it. Make it. Yeah. When we go on like a longer road trip, Amy, I need to know if y'all do this. When you go on a long road trip, we'll start bickering at each other. We get pissed off and what like we're like going back and forth between like he's booting his phone on Bluetooth in mine and I'm playing a song that's like, you know, like fuck you. Like I don't need a man, whatever kind of song. And then he plays one back at me. So now we're having like a song we're back and forth. We're like talking shit with the music. Oh my God. Go on for an hour and then afterwards we'll be like, all right, it's good. Like you want to get like jick-fil-a or something? Yeah. Well, no, we, no, we don't know. We don't let's not be fair. Let's not be fair. We're going to be fair right now. This is the way it goes in our road trips. I start playing a podcast. She's like, I mean, can we just like play on that? And I'm like, okay, then I do it. I'm like, okay, we're listening to my playlist. I have the most eccentric playlist and like musical taste of anyone you've ever met. As in what like top three artists top? Well, I don't know. I'd have to look them up, but I'm just saying like it can literally go from death metal to Motown to fucking Tejano to country, like all within the same like four songs, all kinds of crazy different shit. She can't just, she's like, can we just like chill? So we have to pick a genre. No, like in my playlist, I put on shuffle and we're rolling and it's going to be and it's going to be Slayer followed by fucking new edition or something like that. And it is, it's a little nerve wracking, but it's just the way my brain works. So we settle on 93 three. Yeah, just always I'm trying to, we've got a long road trip. I'm trying to listen to like high music and he's putting on like Kayla, like the Christian station. And I'm like, oh, bro, I'm, I'm, I'm all about Kayla right now. I love it too. But not when we're driving for four and a half hours. Like that's like, we're going to watch a, who are we going to watch? Oh, Mercy me. Mercy me. Uh huh. You want to go? It's, it's here in Cedar Park on May 8th. Cedar Park Center. Mm hmm. I don't know that's really my scene, but I'll listen to him. Mercy means legit. Even Kalen's going. Kailen even wanted to go to that one. Really? You know, probably my kids would be really into that. When I talked to a few people and they said like they literally, you can feel God in the room. Like the worship is so strong. Yeah. Chad, Chad was telling me today at work. He's like fucking jealous that you're going. Yeah. He said, like, you're going to feel all the energy in that place. Yeah. You're going to feel it all. Maybe I need that. Yeah. Maybe it needs to be a little less layer and a little more Mercy me. No, Mercy me. That sounds like a badass metal band though. I'm not going to lie to you. Like Mercy me sounds pretty hardcore. You could have fooled me and said, Hey dude, we're going to go see this welcome band. This band called Mercy me. I feel like I'm fucking in. I get there to be like, and then all of a sudden you're praising. Yeah. That just the hands go up. I'm like, all right. I'm talking tongues and let's go. All right. I'm in there. I'm in there. Now I won't lie. Look at we go to church, but if someone starts speaking tongues near me, that hasn't happened yet. Not at our church, but that will throw me for that would kind of scare me. I've seen videos of that shit and it is like one of the more disturbing scenes that I could fucking think of. And they used to do it. Yeah. And they would do the whole. Yeah. People would. And like as a seven year old looking like I'm Catholic, we don't do that in Catholic. We go there and do our little rosaries, eat a piece of bread, drink a little wine and we bounce. They're doing like the whole jumping around and running around and knocking people down. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. Like it was as an eight year old. It's like, thank God he only ever came and got me every six or seven months. Yeah, dude. At least you're showing up. Well, sorry to throw that at you. The good thing he missed out on so many of them fucking days, because man, I couldn't handle much of that. Yeah. To another girl that's growing up that went through what you went through. Yeah. Right. And maybe other things that you haven't talked about that you went through. Right. Do you want to talk about any of that? Yeah. Okay. So what else did you go through as a kid? Yeah, I started at the age of six to when I was 14 years old. I was molested by someone that was very close to me. And my family. Okay. Yeah. And did you, how did that affect you? You felt like it was your fault, right? 100%. I think more so as a kid, I want to say for the first few years, I didn't really understand what was happening. He was definitely like a monster in closet to me. And it didn't really make sense. I remember when I was like, right, eight years old and my mom and I were getting ready to go to church and my siblings were in the car. And I tried to tell her and I've never had a moment like this, except for that one day. I tried to tell her and my stomach dropped and I literally couldn't get the words out of my mouth. Like I couldn't explain it to her. And part of me kind of knew that she wouldn't believe me if I tried, you know? And so I went about life just not like saying anything and, you know, having that confusion for a long time. And I did a lot of work trying to avoid being around him. And, you know, that worked when it did. And then there were times I couldn't get away, you know, and it was what it was. And I think like the thing that I think really fucked me up was when it stopped. Then I know that sounds crazy, but it felt like all of myself worth had just been like ripped away. Like there was nothing left to me. Like, like, like I'm useless now. Like, what does that even mean? I literally didn't understand why, why it happened to begin with. And, and like, like I just felt disgusting at that point. Like so gross. That actually makes a lot of sense, though. Like I would have never thought that until you said it. That makes a lot of sense. Like it almost like kind of tore me up to not like that's when I started cutting myself. That's when, when I started to get really fucking depressed, you know, like, um, you know, and even like all throughout middle school and like, like most of high school, like I wore the biggest like baggy clothes ever because I had, I had felt so sexualized for so long that like I couldn't even like be flattering to myself. Like I felt, I felt so weird about who I was because of that. I also like, you know, didn't have a father. That happened to me, you know, and then, you know, going through middle school and high school, like feeling worthless. And at that point, like when someone told me that they love me or when someone came in my life, I became like attached to them. Like all the time, like that codependency because I didn't know, you know, how I like a guy or something like that. 100% I would instantly get attached. It didn't take much either because, you know, my life, there was always people went in and out of it. And at that point, I had no self respect or self love. And so like I put all my love into somebody else, all of any, any sort of anything I'd put it into that person. And then when that wouldn't work out, I'd have to find something else to do, you know, and, um, I truly wish that I would have, you know, told someone at the church, like I went, I was in, I went to the same church from my dedication to when I was 16 years old and I was very involved in the church. I was there. You say your dedication. What's that mean? It's a like, like Catholics get like, what is it christened? Yeah. We get dedicated, not baptized, but like we dedicate the child to the church. So how old is that normally? Like, I want to say, like within the first like two years. Okay. Yeah. And so I went there for my entire life and then I was really involved to like from sixth grade till my sophomore year, I was there five days a week after school, like setting up and, and singing at the church. And, you know, that was my every day. Like my best friends were the church. Like that was what it was. You also go into church to get away from this person. 100%. Yeah. Um, and, and not just that, but like praying at that point too. I think I got more into the prayer when it stopped because I was like, I need, I need you. I need you to show me like what to do now. Like, you know, um, praying to kind of find a way and everything, but like that too didn't feel like enough, you know, at the end of the day, like it, there was still that, like that worthlessness and that led me even more so towards the drugs. Like that's what I said earlier. Like, like, yeah, I started off doing high school stuff, you know, but there was so much leading into that, like so much pain, you know, like trying to cover it up and everything. And I think I got to a point where like when I was on the drugs, I couldn't feel it anymore. Like it didn't hurt as bad and not just that, like 90% of the time I couldn't remember, I can't remember where my phone was. I can't remember this motherfucker right now, you know, and that helped a lot too. And so, you know, it got to the point where I was like, okay, I found a way to fill this gap. And like, I like to think of like the drugs as like kind of like a massive, like drill, like just kind of drilling into your soul. And eventually I had this massive gap in my life that like no drug could fix. I tried to fix it with God and that wasn't working. I tried to fill it with people and men and more drugs and more parties and so many different things. And it just wasn't working. And, you know, I remember the day that I got, I decided to go get sober. I was sitting in my bathroom, like fucking feet in a sink, trying to like get high. And I looked at myself in the mirror and I did not at all. Like, basically I hadn't changed much aside from the fact that I looked fucking gross and like I was a hundred pounds smaller than I was before. But like my soul looked tired. And I've never felt that way before. Like the fact that like, like spiritually I was just like kind of at a loss, you know, and, and, and I, you know, that same day I ended up getting a call from a friend of mine who had already come to Austin to get clean herself. And I ended up like packing up and just going straight there. But if I could go like back to my, to, to some other girl or to myself as a kid, like I would tell her like, you know, like this isn't your fault. You're not worthless. Don't like, you know, let yourself fall apart. Tell somebody I wish I would have told somebody at the church. Yeah. Yeah. Hindsight's 20, 20 when it comes to stuff like that. Um, at least from what I've like watched, you know, I watched documentaries on it and, um, listening to you. And it's like that, that's how, that's how the hooks get put in, right? Is by making it feel like it's you and it's your fault and it's your doing. And I was blamed for it. Like, yeah, I'm sure. Like, I'm sure there's kind of, I mean, a predator like that in that frame of mine. Yeah. I mean, that's what they're going to do. I was blamed by my mother. You were, I was, my mother told me that this was my fault, that she didn't believe me, but if, if it did actually happen, it was my fault. It was my doing. And the reason that my family had fallen apart was because of me. Whoa. At 16 years old. That's when you told her, right? Yeah. I remember I was sitting, uh, my sister had come to me at the time and I'm not going to get too much into that, but she had come to me and she, she had told me about some weird comments that he was making towards her. And I remember that's how it started off for me. So I'm an inappropriate, like physical touch that was happening too. And that, that kind of set in my mind. Like I made a promise to myself when I finally decided I think I was like 12 years old, like I was like, okay, like it's too late for me. I'm not going to say anything, but if anything ever happens to my sister, I'll say something. Right. And so I did that. And I went outside and I first I got my brother, I brought him in my closet and I sat in there with him and cried and I told him everything. My brother believed me without a doubt instantly. Um, and he was like, I'll go with you and tell, tell her. And I told him like, no, don't worry about it. I'll do it myself. Right. My brother sat in the living room and I was outside and my mom and she was smoking. And I told her, and she looked me in the eye and said, no. And I was like, what do you mean? Like she, she told me like, you're a liar. Like this isn't true. If it was true, why'd you wait so long? Why this? Why that? You're a liar. You're a liar. You're a liar. And my brother came out and he was like, mom, it's true. Like I believe her. Like, I don't know if you've ever noticed, but he's fucking weird. You know, and so we're, we're all doing this and my brother sitting there to send me like, like with everything that he's got. And even at the end of all of that, my mom didn't believe me still, but she was like, fine, like, you know, we'll, we'll do what we got to do. My mom told me like, but you got to do it's best for the family. So at 16 years old, I was told not to go to the police, not to stand up for myself, not to any of these things. My mom had very little self worth herself. Like, you know, she didn't, she wasn't going to stand up for me and she wouldn't stand up for herself either. So, but still at 16, I'm hearing that, that phrase again, you got to do it's best for the family. They do it's best for the family. So I didn't say anything. And we packed, definitely moved that was supposed to make it better magically. But now because we had to move and now because my mom was having to do this and this and this to get us by, like, I remember working at talk about giving my mom electrical money because, you know, she couldn't do it on her own or, you know, like this person supported y'all's family pretty much. One hundred percent were supported us fully. And, uh, when we had to move that support went away and my mom had to start working really hard and like doing all these things. I got a job too. And I had, I had been working, but not to put food on the table at that point. But now, now I was doing those things and I was doing what's best for the family. So I was working at talk about like, and then because of COVID too, my mom was weak, put in extra hours because you don't have to actually go to school. So now I have no friends in this new district that I'm in. Me and my brother, or my brother is already going to these motel parties at that point. Like at this point, this is where we hit the meth era with him and the me doing acid and shrooms and smoking weed every day and all this stuff. For sure. Now I'm doing shit with my mom as well. Um, but I'm working till I'm working till the two a.m. at talk about like all the time, like throughout the week or whatever, I'm not sleeping. I'm on drugs and shit. I'm not even doing my school work. I almost failed my junior year because I had missed 87 assignments because I was working my ass off to help out. Like I ended up having to go to alternative school, not because I was smart. I was some people I graduated early. They're like, Oh, you're smart. Like, no, I almost failed. Yeah, I waited early because I had to. Yeah. Um, but it was just so rough. But the whole time we were in that situation, it was always like, well, you know, if you hadn't said anything, we wouldn't be in this situation. If you hadn't done this, if you would have done this better, whatever, we wouldn't be in this situation. So now I have this blame on me, right? And I'd rather go into jail and he's getting caught up with this. My life is falling apart. My mom is a fucking shit show. I hate myself at this point. Now I'm like having these real like, you know, in my life thoughts at this point, I'm going through it at 16, 17 years old. And it got to a point where like I was like, I couldn't even go to church anymore. I was like, I prayed every day. I worshiped every day. I literally didn't skip a beat. I would go to the Starbucks with invitations from my church and finding random people. I did Bible studies. I went to church camp. Everything that you could do right. I did it. Regardless of the molestation, regardless of the things that were happening, regardless of the drugs, the way that my life was falling apart at the time. I still did all these things. And I just could not understand why things were going the way they were going. Like I put so much effort into kind of blaming it on God 100% and because I had a one-off blaming on that myself and him, you know, I mean, again, hindsight, yeah, right. But you didn't have a support system, dude. Not at all. Like the end. Marching through life with the support system is hard enough. It's already going to be pretty fucking tough, right? Yeah. And there's going to be peaks and valleys to that with the best of support systems. You didn't have that. Yeah. And that's just the way that it is. 100%. And I think at the time, too, like my only person, the better part of my family, my best friend was on drugs and going to prison. So he literally wasn't there for me. I was stuck with my mom and my sister who did everything my mom did, agreed with everything my mom said and just feeling terrible about myself all the time. And I graduated high school. I went directly into the workforce, like trying to make money and stuff. My mom was charging me 650 a week to share a bedroom and a bathroom with my sister. Like, damn, just not doing well. And then my brother got out of prison. My mom kicked me out because she wanted to make room for him. I was never really accepted in my own family. Like, you know, my mom, I did not get along with my mom super well. But I also didn't have like affection. Like it almost, and I, you know, this too, like I, when his daughter used to give me a hug or whatever, I was so weirded out by it. And he kept trying to ask me why, like I had to take a step back and realize that my family is not affection at all. I've never had a full hug from my mom ever in my life. I've gotten side hugs and stuff. My mom was never one for like chatting with us and things like that. But like, yeah, and I, there wasn't really much of a support system, but there also wasn't any affection, like crying is a sign of weakness. Like, you know, I always had to be like kind of like stronger. My mom would always say I was too emotional, you know, and so I try to like, all that up a little bit, you know, but I think when I got sober too, that's when like the water work started. Like I felt everything all over again. And like that was, that was pretty like, that was really wild feeling. Well, you had to be stronger for your brother and for your sister, but also for your mom. Like I never really paid attention until like he just brought it up. Like you were the, the saving grace for your family. Kind of the rock. You were the rock. Like you were the, you were the, the one that kept it together. That's what it sounds like. And that's no position for. Any kid, any kid of any age to be even an 18 year old. I couldn't, there ain't fucking, I don't even know about life. To be able to keep a family together. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that's something too that like, I appreciate more so now is like, I didn't realize how much I had to let like, for example, my mom like pushed me over, getting my head, like my mom was always making fat comments too. So I had no self-esteem at all growing up. Like nothing, I already felt worthless. I was already blamed for everything. And that's why the drugs helped so much because I felt like 10 feet tall and bulletproof. Like I was like, yes. I mean, how can you not like I, and I was not just that I was so willing to do whatever it took to like make the people around me like, they're not even friends. You know, but like people like, I want them to like me so bad that I was like, the people, please, or I was doing this, this, this, this, trying to get it done. But like even my mom, like I used to make so many excuses. Like, um, you know, well, she's a single parent. She's this, she's that, whatever. Right. But like at the same time, like even now I look back and I'm like, I. As an adult will never understand why things played out the way that they played out, all I can do now is like forgive and like just move on with my life the way that it's supposed to be now. Like I'm, I'm happy now. And that's another reason why I was super fucking scared to come on this podcast and I sit here all the time and watch out. But, um, I think the main thing has to do with a lot. Like, um, telling your story is terrifying. You know, but I also like hope in like, I talked to my brother before this and he was like, somebody somewhere is going to have been through what you've been through. So at least you'll help someone else. And that's like kind of like a really exciting thing to have in your mind. Well, I think that, you know, especially like being in rooms, the way that you and I have been, that women that turn to addiction, they've, the majority of them have been wronged by somebody that was supposed to love and care for them. Typically a man. Yeah. I mean, typically a man. And it's, it's, um, there, I don't know what the statistic is, but I remember hearing it one time, but like a women's prison, they were, they're all in there because of a dude, like, or like an overwhelming like percentage of them are in there because they just got mixed up with the wrong dude. And I mean, kind of is what it is, man. Yeah. I mean, and it starts at such a young age. Absolutely. Absolutely. I don't know, like not having your, your dad there. Yeah. Well, I mean, as a kid, my mom had men in and out of the house 24 seven. And then, you know, when she was married, that wasn't necessarily an issue, but my mom was also when she was married, she was so miserable with just, I guess her life because she wasn't working and she didn't go anywhere or whatever. Um, and so she was always drinking, always smoking, like so drunk, so hungover, couldn't take a school. Like that's, that's where she was during that period. But when she, when they got divorced and she ended up moving to Fort Worth with us or whatever, um, more men and out of the house, like I'm watching her bringing one, a new dude in all the time. And so now I'm like, oh, okay. This is like, I kind of normalized it in my head and I'm following that example as well in my own life. Right. You know, that's all you knew. That's, that was the example that you had put in front of you. Yeah. You know, it's kind of like, um, you know, if you see, you know, like my mom used to always smoke in front of us, right? Cigarettes. And, but then she would say, when you get older, you shouldn't smoke. Yeah. I'm like, well, that's a terrible fucking example, mom. Yeah. Cause you're smoking two packs a day and you're telling me, this is fucking terrible for you. Of course I'm going to try to smoke whenever I get in that right age. You know. And that's one thing that I've always, even through my addiction, I've always been really careful with Kailin about who I bring around her, even females. Like, you know, you're the first female that she's ever met. Yeah. Like, and she was, she was seven when she met you or six or seven, seven. You're the first female she ever met because I didn't want her to see dad bringing all these different girls around, whether I was sleeping around or not. I didn't want her to think that's normal because then when she gets older, she's going to think, well, I've seen my dad doing it. This is probably normal. Right. Yeah. And it's just like, you know, you and I have had conversations where we don't argue in front of Kailin, right? And you packing in wanting to move and me fucking saying, well, get the fuck out. We're not doing that either because I don't want her to think this is a normal relationship. You pack, you move out, and then you move back in, you pack, move out, move back in. And that's something, you know, you're, you, you set the example for your kids. And then your kids follow those examples, whether they're good or bad. Yeah. You know, and, and that's, you didn't have a lot of good examples put in front of you. Now I do though. Like now I get to watch you and all your, like you guys too, like watching everybody around me, like be awesome and everything. And like, now I know that I have a support group, you know what I mean? Like when I'm struggling, I call his mom all the time and tell her like, Hey, your son's pissing me off and you talk to him. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? But like, at least I have somebody now to like, to have that. But you've also grown so much in the time that I've met you. Like you were an old soul. I always tell you that even though you were young, you're an old soul because you seen so much at like, and you've been through so much. And it's amazing to me that you can forgive people the way that you do. Cause I don't fucking forgive motherfuckers like you do. And it's amazing that you're able to move past some of the stuff. Even though it still comes up from time to time, but you, there's like not a lot of hate or anger in you, or I hate motherfuckers still to this day that have wronged me, but I've seen you grow so much in the timeframe that we've been together. That it's like you're inspiring to me. And I'm supposed to be the one that inspires you. I say it all the time, like I'm older than you, but you've taught me just as much, if not more than I've taught you. And I truly believe that. But down to like grudges do like, it doesn't help anybody. Like, uh, yeah, I heard it. That's easier said than done. It fucking makes me feel good. 100%. But like, I, that's what I noticed too, is like when I'm angry about something like 90% of the time, the motherfucker that I'm angry about doesn't even like, they're not thinking about my ass. Yeah. You know, and there was this quote that I heard that it said, uh, holding a grudge is like holding a bottle of poison, but you're the only one that's getting hurt. I was like, damn. What's the window? What's the window when you told me? Oh, uh, close the window that's damaging you, no matter how beautiful the one the view is. Yeah. I was like, man, these TikTok quotes are like, on point. Yeah, man. They get, well, look, I want to end on something positive here. And, um, you're a, you're a singer. You're a bit of a songbird. So I want to hear who, let me, let me do this because this is an easy question, but it's going to be really hard to answer. It's your favorite song. Favorite song right now. Nope. Favorite song ever. Ever. Holy shit. That's a, that's a pretty complicated question. Bro, we should have brought the guitar out and let her play. Can't. Got my nails done. Yeah. She did that on purpose. Oh, we got a piano in there. Um, Oh, the arsonist all the way by, uh, Hoyser. Okay. All right. And who's your favorite band of all time? I heard band of all time. Or artists. Doesn't have to be a band, I guess. It's a hard one too. Mm hmm. Oh, Zach Bryan. Yeah. It's a pretty good one. Mm hmm. Well, next time you're going to sing on camera. Yeah. Next time we're not going to do the nails. We'll let you do a little, little ditty. We wrote a song together the other day. We did. You wrote, no, it's not your first song. It's not your first song. Oh, you did dirty, you did dirty stink pot. Dirty stink pot. We did. We did actually, he, he helped me and we did it together. We actually wrote and composed a song together and it's fucking awesome. No, I, I, you had it recorded. You had the video of it, right? I think so. Yeah, you showed me a little clip of it. Yeah, I think so. For sure. Where you, yeah, it was awesome. It was really cool. But I don't care how good that song is. Dirty stink pot. Dirty stink pot. For sure. Is, is the fucking. When you release it. We should have that play as we're going out. The outro. Can you do that? Can you play dirty stink pot? Yeah. Can you play dirty stink pot? Yeah, I'll send it to you. Yeah, he'll get you the clip. Ladies and gentlemen, two addicts in a war and we are out and just like that. Dirty stink pot. We're going to put a thing for Fume. A little link that you can go to. It's in, in HALER. Aromatherapy. Yeah. Aromatherapy. Nicotine. It's nicotine free. It's aroma therapy. It's designed to help you get off of vapes. Yes. It is a fantastic company. Look, I enjoyed, I don't really like doing any vapes or anything like that. And it's actually pretty cool. Actually is not bad. It's a pretty nice little relaxation. And it's a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit so yeah, hop on. We actually have a, we have a code. We'll put it. Yeah, we'll put the code on if you want to go to their site. You can put our code and you'll get a discount. Yeah, you get a 20 percent discount. Yeah, it's a pretty, pretty good discount. So you guys help support these people. They're helping support us and. Again. Dirty stink pot. Dirty stink pot. Here it is. We're going to release it. Two addicts in a morrow. We are out. Dirty stink pot. Up in your face. Hit you with mates. Rub it in your ass. Finger in your butt. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Stay tight. Rub it in my dirty. Dirty stink pot. Fuckin' your mom. You sister too. Eatin' your pussy. Rub in their ass. From the dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty stink. Rub it in your pussy. Rub it in your mother's ass. Stick it in your finger. In my ass too. Rub my balls back. Lick my ass more. Lick on my ass more, y'all.