Jim Carrey Conspiracy, Lamar Odom’s Cocaine Summers, & Amanda Seyfried’s Prosthetic WHAT?!

You can't step on anything on a podcast. We are, we are. The goiter, I like the goiter. The goiter. The black guy will not eat the and then the white guy will. No, the white guy, he will. I know everyone here is praising you. They like Wayne's world, but I ain't tapping your tummy. I'm not going to spank your spanker. I knew that was coming. What do you got going on down there? We went to trim the hedges a bit. And then she says, do you know Joe Dirt? This one has a sty, whatever that means. Oh, your call. No, I'll explain to the viewers. I'm very authentic. Yeah, you got a sty, which is another word for pink guy, I believe. No, it's not Dana. You motherfucker. It is that you got pink guy. No, it's not. You got pink a motherfucker. Jesus. No. What is a sty? I haven't been around that many buttholes. Remember Dana last week I was saying, it looks like I have that Tom Cruise eye down there. I think it's part of it still, because it looks like a little swollen. Do I put these on? Do I dare be fucking cool? Why not? But where's my sunglasses? Maybe I should get mine. No, but you can keep that beginning where I say about my style. Here's the grossest thing, Dana. No one wants to be near you because... It's contagious. Well, it's not, but they think it is. And then they're also sickened by me and disgusted. And here's the four grossest words you can say about yourself to chase the female population. Four, okay. One. Sty is four. That's not the worst one, but it's disgusting. Right. Then, oh, I have a boil. A boil, yeah. That's a bad word because it needs to be drained. I've got one. I have a goiter. Goiter is maybe number one. And the goiter has a human face on the end of it. That's a turnoff. What do you think is grosser? Goiter or Pustule? I think goiter, it feels like a monster. It feels like a sci-fi movie. Pustule, you put a band-aid on it. What do you put on a goiter? A goiter should be a poster of a bad movie. You write a scary movie. Goiter. Yeah, Timothy Chalamet is hunting down the goiter. Benicio del Toro is the goiter. Bradley Cooper as the goiter's friend. He played the elephant man on Broadway. Now he's on film plane. Did he really? Goiter. I thought he did. No, no, the goiter. You can't step on anything on a podcast. We are, we have- The goiter, I like the goiter. The goiter. They make the goiter lovable. Let me set you up. Let me set you up for one of your top fives. Jason Stratham is hunting the goiter and the motion picture called the goiter. I'm the goiter, keep up. Ha ha ha, destroyer. What's he gonna take it as a pet? No, he said, oh, oh. Well, he was the beekeeper and he keeps bees. Maybe he keeps goiters. Oh, I'm coming after you goiter. Ha ha ha ha. You got pus on my family. We know what a goiter is. I don't know. I think it squirts out like a zip. It feels- I feel a chart. Oh, Heather gave me a chart and it has Fisher on it. Yeah, but with those cool sunglasses, you can't read it. I feel like a goiter has a human head on it. You can look cool or you can really participate in the podcast. You can't do both. You can't see dick. Oh, that's a- That's not a goiter. That's a fish. That's a fish, but what? It's G-O-I. G-O-I-T-E-R. T-E-R, yeah. Yeah. Jeez. Jeez Louise, that's not a- Shit. I didn't know I was a cory. Here we are, be prepared to be, yeah. Oh my God, look at that. Look at the, on the neck. The neck. Oh, you need a tattle neck for that. Oh yeah. It's a swollen neck or it can be the side or I think it can be anywhere in your body. Oh my God. And guess what happens if you puncture it? Psh, psh, psh. Dr. Pimple Popper comes with that Wendy's salad sneeze guard stuff around her. Does Wendy's have a salad bar? I've been there in a decade. Ha ha ha ha. I used to go. It had the sneeze guard on it. I'm kind of amazed at the burger franchises that don't do advertising and still exist. They crush it. I know. I don't understand. I'm the number one guy, I'm still so Joe Dirt. I go to drive-throughs, I go in a lot. You go in a lot? I go in there. Dressed as Joe Dirt? I'm just now, I just said I'm a dirt ball, I go in. I like to drive through, you know. And do you do little characters to it? Yeah, I do little impressions and characters. I want them to recognize me. No, I get this when I'm tired and I'm driving. It's the only time I go to McDonald's. Regular cheeseburger, small fry, small coke. And that carb, salty, sugary bomb gets me 200 bombs safely. Yeah. They think it's for a baby. They go, okay. Is there an adult in the car that wants anything? Well, it's just me and if they don't have what I want, I just, I kind of go. Oh, Heather and I know what that is. That's hysterical. Okay. Oh, I should have went like this. Yeah, that's better. Yeah. All right, let's- Well, before I tell you what that is, which we know what that is, but I was at McDonald's and you know, Dana, when you go in and they know you, they get distracted from the order. So I go, quarter pound of cheese, fried. And they go, oh, were you in Ben's swimmers? And I go, yeah. And we'll talk about that. Let's just get this order. And then at the end, I get the order and it's wrong. I go, I didn't order spaghetti, you know, but I don't say anything. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I go in and they go, hey, were you on television or are you somebody? And then I go, yeah. And they go, do you know David Spade? I can tell a lot. Do you know him? You do a podcast with him, but do you know him? I was once in a movie theater and they kind of tagged me and then they came and got me and brought me out into the foyer and they said, hey, do you know Adam Sandler? Ha ha ha ha. That's a big one. That's a big one. This was a while back, but he still had, he still had, you know, hit, hit after hit. Mm mm, mm mm. I had a fun dinner with Chris Rock and Adam was not, Adam was coming. And then he goes, oh, wait, I thought it was Friday. It's tomorrow. I go, no, we're already here. He's like, oh no. So Chris was like, Spade, it's just me and you. And did it get awkward? Did it get quiet or can you guys converse? We had nothing to say to each other. No, Chris is one of, he is pretty funny as we know. And that's an understatement, yeah. Well, he's got that, he's got that thing of like, he likes to take a big subject and he's brilliant at it. A big giant thing. And then he'll just drop in like this simplification that sums the whole big giant thing up. You gotta have material or whatever it is on stage. You know, that's his cool move. I almost said a joke, but it's too dirty. I'm trying to. We can cut it. Hold back. Ha ha ha. When he says everything twice, the black guy don't eat the pussy. The black guy will not eat the pussy. And then the white guy will. No, the white guy, he will. Everything's twice. I know. Ha ha ha. He, well he says before he starts a special, he takes time off from stand up. He watches evangelical preachers and they go, and the Lord cares about you. The stage is 300 feet wide. Walk to the other side. I say the Lord cares about you. Yeah, they do repeat also. But he's good. He's got a good style and super funny in real life, which is really the hard part. And he is, oh, this brings us to Jim Carrey, the big debate. Jim Carrey at the Caesar Awards in Paris. That's like the Oscars for them. And he got a much deserved, what was it, Lifetime Achievement Award? Didn't Jerry Lewis get that? I mean, the French love physical comedy. I'm not sure what he got, but it was big. I did see a clip of it. Yeah. But the problem is they say his face looked a little more circular. It's sort of, is it him or is it not? They don't just say. Wow, that's ridiculous. Can't believe his publicist has confirmed it was indeed him who attended that event. Oh, okay, so his publicist has to go out on a limb and say yes, it was. Of course it's Jim Carrey. Yes. You know how the internet gets. So they say there's definitely some lighting, some things. Maybe he had a few squirts, a few pulls and pinches like everybody because that's just the way it is here we're in Hollywood. But no one's shocked by that. But he looked a little more full than he is when he, people haven't seen him in 10 years. I don't know if it's been that long, but I thought he looked healthy. That's the main thing, he looked good. I don't know anything about that. I probably, you know, they say you go away, you're rested, you come back, but yeah, he looks good. Well, he's got money for food. I mean, if he put on a few pints, he was always skinny, who cares? But anyway, I was out the other night and they were like, David, David, is it a clone? Because there's a theory that there's a guy that impersonates people and he wears a mask, which is a whole another thing. They said Joe Biden was a guy with a mask sometimes. I mean, these masks are so good so it could be almost anyone. But that one was almost not good enough to be Jim Carrey. It was too full, you know what I mean? Right, you've had apple dumpling cheeks and you know, you had a nice head of hair. I'll just say one thing to that that people think it's the mask. Don't, don't, don't know, don't, don't, don't know, don't, don't, don't, don't know. Can't tell, can't tell, not sure, not sure, it's a mask. Don't, don't, can't tell, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, is not for sure. Not a mask. Puffy cheeks. Not a mask. Not a mask. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Mwah. Mwah. By the way, I'm never gonna be on this podcast again without sunglasses. Oh, I said they're cool. Are these the ones, Heather? Because they look, they look bigger. I don't know if these are the new ones. I got new ones because I scram, I lost you. I lost you, you know Heather when I walked in last night, they were sitting right there. Did you find them? Fudge. I have my cool ones. Maybe when we take a break, I'll go back. I found my cool ones. I lost, you ever lose something for like three years? And then you go, fuck, that's where they were. Or it's in a coat. I wear this black coat and these shades, and they sit in the back of McDonald's like this. I go, what? I sit like Fonzie. What? They go, were you the guy in Benchworms? I go, hey, not now, man, hey man. And then with me, do you know the guy that's in Benchwormers? Not now, not now, not now, not now, not now, not now, not now, not now, don't know, a Benchwormer guy. Happy mad. Well, you gotta do the false shout out for the second time. I know, I like this. But that's like the flu, you know. Hey everyone, it's Stavros Halakis and I'm here to tell you about my podcast, Stavi's World. Each week we're joined by great guests like Josh Safty, Eric Andre, Caleb Herron and more. It's sort of an interview show, but really, we're just messing around, making each other laugh and hopefully making you laugh while you're washing the dishes or grocery shopping or out on a long drive. Plus I take listener calls where we have honest conversations about dating life and everything in between. Imagine if your therapist was a vulgar degenerate whose office was in a Greek diner. No scripts, no polish and absolutely no holding back. Listen to Stavi's World wherever you get your podcasts. Hi everybody, I'm Maury Povich. On my podcast, On Par with Maury Povich, I'm gonna sit down with the icons, the stars and the faces at the very center of today's big cultural moments. With everyone from comedians Josh Johnson, Dan Soder, Leigh Ann Morgan, to newsmakers Don Lemon, Joy Reid, Aaron Parnas and so many more. So join me for new episodes every week because nothing is off limits. Great conversations, they're always On Par. Follow and listen to On Par with Maury Povich wherever you get your podcasts. But anyway, do you ever lose something and you're so frustrated like your wall or your car? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're looking in the freezer and you go, okay, what if I actively tried to hide it from myself? Oh, forget that. I used to do that with drugs, yeah. Yeah, I must have hid it from myself because it's nowhere in my purview. Anyway. And where'd you find it? At your house. You know what's funny? Missing a lot of cash. I used to have a lot of drugs and then of course I sneeze and they pop out of my butt and I go, that's always the last place you look. Why don't you say butthole? You wanna say butthole. I do. You do. I'm gonna bring it up for you. Well, butthole is more like third grade and Wiener is like fourth grade. So keep it in that primary school area. See now you got, I like it. But it says where, where, where is it? Where, where, where is it? Butthole, butthole. Where is my one perc said? I can't find is it in my bunghole? Bunghole. What do we got? Bunghole is even grosser. Listen, butthead, join the podcast. Bunghole, Leo. Is it bunghole? Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole. I predict that in the comments it'll be at least 40% of the people will be doing the, you know, kind of Tom Cruise mission impossible thing. It's hard to do the joke without saying it because you have to hear it. It's all the inflection. Exactly. Well, let me see. To wrap up Jim Carrey, I will say. Let's wrap him up. Oh, I checked in on him. I checked in on him just to say congratulations much deserved. Because we're friendly at least. And I don't seem a lot. And I said, I might, are you in Mau, he lives in Maui, I thought. And I said, if we go out and do a movie there later this year, are you there? And he said, I think I'll be back there by then. So I think Jim Carrey was just Jim. I didn't ask, but I think he won the award. And I think everything's normal. I think he looks great. It's obviously Jim Carrey. And we should say, because we can be sincere, he is brilliant. I mean, his physical comedy, starting with Ace Ventura, which I turned down. No, you did not. I did, but they didn't know that. Oh my God. But Jim Carrey was way better than anyone else could have been in that role. Because I was watching with Nicholas Cage, their good buddies in Toronto in a movie theater. And he created this new idea of being a comedian on screen, like hyper-reality. Like, what are you doing? Just no sense of anything being real. And yet he was so committed, because the guy, I guys to raise him in the police station, razz him, hey, what are you doing, Ace? And he's like, oh, I wonder. It's like, will you show me? He said so. Times 100. And it worked perfectly. And I think when they were saying about that back then, it was just a goofy movie, maybe being passed around. He says he'll do it, he didn't make that much, but he's like, let's just take a huge swing and it'll miss, or it'll hit. And chances where it would miss, but he's actually kind of a good looking guy. He has a rubbery face. And he's got a good voice. And it's something about it is so hilarious. He does it really well, whatever he's doing. He's so fast. He beat himself up in a bathroom of one of his movies. I mean, he was rubbery bodied. I mean, he's actually when he auditioned. No, he could put his foot over his head. So yeah, so he's one of a kind, well-deserved in the French. French went, je le crois pas de ch'étais, ma ch'étais, beat, this is what they're saying. You interpret. Et je la t'ai pas, je suis calé, et j'ai un robot face. Is it you or a clone? Well, that's what they're saying. Is it really him? Is it a mission impossible mask? Could, could, could be a mask. Could, could, could be a mask. In French? Vére-sous, ribasser. Et je la crois sur les potos, moi je les écoute. It's hard to do, Dana. I know it is. Ben je suis l'un de ces titres. I do a lot of fake languages. You do a lot of fake languages, and they all sound real. Because I like to say Caesar. Hmm, hmm, hmm. Pizza, pizza. Et je les crois sur les pâtoutes, et je les crois sur les pâtoutes. Et je les crois sur les pâtoutes. What is that? What did I just say? That's not the real David Spade. Can't you tell? Look at his sunglasses. He's got the eye that's having trouble. What about SNL did the thing that we were doing last night? We did Deepak. Right. And I didn't, I wasn't really, because I saw a comment said I owe, owe Earth an apology, but I didn't. Oh, really? Yeah, but that's all right. I wasn't, yeah, it's the one comment. But what I was really trying to say was that would subconsciously what they're thinking, would they blurt it out? Kind of like Tourette's, but not literally. And that was Deepak Chopra with the Epstein file saying bring your girlfriend. I mean, his was pretty frisky. I don't judge it. I don't know it. I don't think so. Got a frisky. Got a thing. So that was just Deepak Chopra with sort of involuntarily spasming into his true self. Like love and consciousness and this and spank me with a spoon, you bitch. And then he's compulsive. So that's what that, we've explained that one. Now, how do we explain what you did last week? No, I'm saying SNL did Tourette. And it got cut. And it also was just celebrities blurting out subconscious thoughts. Right, it was celebrity impressions. Blurting out. Which is a good SNL staple. Yeah. That have had their problems in the past and blaming them on Tourette's. But yeah, exactly. So it was kind of like mine. They're blurting out what they really want to say. Yes. I thought Sarah Sherman was funny as Jill Zarin. And Keenan was as Cosby. I just don't, Cosby is such a funny voice. And it just said, what? Because the man said, what? The pardon in the dough, and it's just such a funny rhythm. But yeah, so that's bad. Did they cut it because it was offensive? But those things on the surface are funny. But if you look too deep about Tourette's, yes, it's a little offensive. But that's kind of what they do. I don't think the intent is, it's also because Tourette's was in the ether because of the N word debacle 10 days ago. So it was just in the ether. Now here's something for the audience, for you. All right. I'm here to educate you. Now I actually have a question for you. Hang on, hit the button. Mwah! We still don't know what to mean. We will, this is going to be explained. We're going to pay it off. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! When they say cut for time, are they literally pulling that from dress and airing it? Well, it was cut. Because nothing gets cut on the air. No, it must have been. No, it can get cut on the air for time. But it's not shot and cut. Right. If you do it on the air, it's on the air. Well, they might put it on YouTube. If they run out of time, well, no, I see what you're saying. They would cut it, yeah, they would cut it on air. So if they did it, it meant they had time to do it. They would use it from dress. But Eric got cut while they were doing it. So they go, let's just do the dress version. And then the dress one got leaked or put out. Or they just put it out online. They do it. I think it's smart. Because when I saw that, I thought it was funny. And I thought it was on the show. Yeah, we used to have sketches cut back in 1885. When the cover was. We didn't have YouTube. We had Lube. When there were sketches, it was literally a sketching out of scene. Lord Michaels was 17 years old. And we had to put ointment on his pimples before the show started. Before the show started. Why is he old? Who is he? But yeah, that's cool that things can live on YouTube. Yeah. If we had that, I'm so jealous of that. Well, we got a lot of stuff on YouTube. Everyone's got a lot of stuff on YouTube. Yeah, now, way too late. By the way, the airport security thing was Sharon Stone, where I do an Indian guy. Couldn't do it today. Whoops. And Rob Schneider and Kevin Nieland. That was $16 million last year. Now it's like $22 million. I think it's from that era of a different kind of era where there was a lot more kind of non-PC stuff. Yes, because that's what Marcelo said to us when he was doing an Italian waiter sketch. He looked at the Italian waiter sketch from the 90s. And he goes, that was so much fun here. But we explained, well, we got to do a lot of different edgy stuff. So yeah, you could have full frontal nudity back then. Also, we did a gig. And while we were gone, we did a gig and it was hysterical. Dana Carvey, I hate to admit, really crushed. Well, I have. And it's great. You set them up for me. Spade came out with total destruction. Spade came out, but Larry Bubbles Brown, your friend, came out and we can explain the button. He's our opener. He's a brilliant comedian. He's hysterical. And kind of the motif of his act is that it's self-deprecating. Like life didn't work out for him. Someone stole my identity. Now they can't get laid. And then he says this. Mwah. Sort of like it's a someone stole my identity. Now they can't get laid. And that's like, mwah. As an emphasis. And the audience always loves it. It becomes a catchphrase. So he's selling these. And we'll, next week, we'll tell you where he can buy one if you want to buy one. It's fun to have it around if like, is dinner ready? You know, no. Mwah. So it's any kind of. And Larry Bubbles Brown, he's based out of San Francisco. He's a San Francisco treat. I remember his name from the old, what was that? Just for last newspaper. San Francisco comedy competition and all the clubs. Who's playing where? I love that. Yeah. And Paula Poundstone, the great Paula Poundstone, one night was introducing him and just said, oh, here is Larry Bubbles Brown, because then he comes out sort of as like, mwah, like, mwah, you know. Oh, he's kind of a downer. And is that where Bubbles came from? Yeah. And that's where, and then it just stuck. Larry Bubbles Brown. Oh, you know what's funny is that when I was in one of these gigs in Oklahoma, this maid gets on the elevator with me, housekeeping, and she goes, she's an old black lady. And I said, oh, hey, kind of, I said, how you doing today? And she goes, oh, David Spade, they said you were in the hotel and I said, oh, I'm not going to bubble you up like they are. Bubble you up? I will bubble you up. I don't, I know you don't want to get bubbled up right now. And I said, no, I do like to get bubbled up. Never heard that term in my life. It's loved it. Instead of butter you up sort of. I guess. So you know, bubbled up. Yeah. I don't want to, it's like, I don't want to fluff your feathers. Yeah, I had one. I'm not going to tap your tummy. Is that what they say? Yeah, I'm going to tap your tummy. I know everyone here is praising you. They like Wayne's world, but I ain't tapping your tummy. I'm not going to spank your spankter. I knew that was coming. I will not photograph your private parts. Wait, fluff your feathers is a good one. And good ego boost. That's it. It's an ego boost. Butter your buns. Oh yeah, butter your biscuits. Yeah. They're usually, I had like 17, I was there a day early, so I had like 17 room service orders, you know, because you can't get a snack. You're in the tower and you're like, oh no. Oh, we were in a tower of a casino hotel and it was so busy. There's so many people there. You know, the casino itself is very nice Thunder Valley. It's great. For them to pack in 4,000 people, I'm always like, where are they coming from? It's in the middle of almost nowhere. This is always the case. I was shocked. That thing I went out there and looked, I go, we're in trouble. You know, it's actually 4,500. Where are they gonna come from? It's a little bit off the beaten path. But well, I loved it. They all showed, because we went to dinner and everyone was there going, hey, we're all coming to show. Cause it's your, the only, once they're all there, there's like three restaurants. So. Right. I asked the guy, why are you coming to the show? He goes, it's the only show. Yeah. The only game in town. I'll take it. In Vegas, there's like 1900 shows, but it was an incredible audience. Had a great time. We should go back and some point. Isn't it kind of, go ahead. No, I thought you were gonna talk about the war, but I think you got something for that. Oh, no, the war? Well, wars aren't funny, but Trump is still amusing. Like, I guess there was a submarine and we sunk an Iranian ship and it hadn't been done since war two. So Trump was really not since world war two. If you can think about it, look at that. Not since world war two, Pete Hegseth. He's a smart cookie. He's a tough cookie. He's a cookie monster. But this, this time he went further. I mean, he's a, he's a vicious ding dong. You remember ding dong? These ding dong hostess, you know, a little bit of frosting. They're good. You know, he's a delicious ding dong. Pig head with is a tough. He's a moist cookie. He's a honey bun. He's moist and soft with cinnamon. That guy, he's a, he's a hostess cupcake with a squiggly frosted. You remember the squiggly? The icing, the icing, there was a squiggle on top of the cupcake. It's icing and the press goes, what are we talking about again? He's a tough twinkie. He's a, he's a hoey ho ho. He's a tough ho ho. You remember ho ho ho? Very similar to ding dong. Fishing ding dong. He's a maple ball. He's a maple ball. He's a sweet member of the maple balls. You gotta remember the bedclothes. The clothes could bite you like Peacock. Pete Pazookie. He needs oxygen. By the way, Hexeth is a tough word to work into the whole. I know. Hexeth. I had some idea of it. I just went from cookie monster. He's a vicious ding dong. I thought that was funny. Remember the squiggles? I did this two minutes ago. Remember the ding dong? He take a little bit of frosting and chocolate covered cookies. He's a tough ho ho. You remember the ho ho? He's a jumbo honey bun, soft moist with honey glaze. He's a sneaky hostess cupcake. You remember the squiggles? So that's what I wanted to do, but I just didn't get to it. That's funny. That was exciting. Then I went to the pharmacy and I wanted to get a beer trimmer. But they're all locked. It's funny. Shampoo's locked. Everything's in there. Even where you are is locked. This is horrible. I know. You gotta press a button and then you wanna just kind of get something to get out. And there's like customer help, I'll far everyone's looking. What does he want? So she comes over high and so there's regular shavers at one side and then there's the manscape side. She's like, which one? Which one do you want me to open? Do you want me to open this? Let's open this. So you want, and she holds it up. Do you want this one? The manscape? For your nutsack? And on the front of it, it says for down there. Oh no, I just want the Neroca. You sure? You sure you don't want it? What do you got going on down there? We might wanna trim the hedges a bit. And then she says, do you know Joe Dirt? Dude, I do that. I have to buzz the buzzer and the guy with the keys comes out. Takes the niggle like this. We got aisle four. Yeah, it's like preparation, all that stuff. So they come in and I'm like, I don't know if you need to, if you have to lock up the toothpicks folks, I think we're losing the battle against crime. Yeah, we've got Paul Mitchell's shampoo for everyday use everybody. Let's tighten it up in here. I'm gonna open this up. I want everyone to be on alert. All right, you two in the car. When we open it, if we get rushed, we're gonna have to use a drill. Yeah. I'm not even interested in anything that's not locked up. Cause I'm like, what are, this just shows me what's valuable. I'm like, oh, so the Q-tips or what everybody wants. It was weird. They had Joe Dirt signed autograph posters, aisle four, the Joe Dirt poster, and they were locked up. They were locked up. I did a signing. I just sat there with a card table and signed them. Yeah, you did your pharmacy tour last summer. I do all the CVSs, all the big ones. Yeah. Now I gotta tell you that it's the crime in LA. I don't know if people think we're joking. They lock up almost everything in the pharmacy. And so you go in and you go, I gotta get this and they got unlocked. And I'm like, and then the people, you know, the mayor was like, you know, you should really work on making your store safer and locking more things up. I'm like, how about we just don't let people steal it. You know, like let's make more laws. That's crazy. That is crazy. The whole, in New York City on the corner, when I was back there doing Biden last summer, living on 57th Street in this hotel, the pharmacy on the corner had like an army man, a flak jacket, and I guess an AK-47 with combat boots, just standing through the opening the whole time, you know? It's kind of intimidating. And you know, I'm just like, I'd like to get a Cadbury bar and send like, I've got a Glock 45 in my face. Quickly, just, this is an Abba Zaba if you want to pat me down. Yeah, you know, I hope you keep your grenades holstered because I'm just looking for Bazooka Joe, you know? I just, This is, I, pardon me for having an extra peppermint patty. If you keep your, you know, your a bideen baton, you know, kind of holstered, I just want to maybe get a diet Pepsi if I could. No, you're a wonderful small team. No. It's great if a criminal gang comes in here. I'm sure you would be terrific to have, but I just want sort of a smaller Cadbury bar. I love it so much. So funny. Just trying to get a couple lifesavers. I know. So in our comedian brains, we're trying to go, the weaponization of the guy, the baton, their grenades, versus the more meek and friendly and kid- Mike or Scott. Yeah. The normal people that are terrified to go in because the worst is when you're standing there waiting for the four hour line and then someone just rips something out, walks out and they're like, we're not allowed to follow them. We get fired. I'm like, something's wrong with that system. Do you ever turn around at a pharmacy, especially a crowded one and you just grab something, you turn back and 19 people have gotten in line while you turned away for a second. Yeah. I was here. I just bought myself a half hour. Yeah. Have you ever gotten your pills and they're like putting all your pills on everyone looks? And then they go, do you need a pharmacist to tell you how to put these, how to do these? And I go, I know how suppositories work. I just stick them on my butt and I'm like, yeah. Butthole. Yeah. You just stick them up your bunghole. I think it's sweet, you know, when a senior and I really a very elderly gentleman kind of trundles up and he goes, hey, and he's got his joke that you can tell he's used a thousand times. There's something sweet about it. Hey, there's a rumor that there's some medications waiting for me, you know, and you can tell it's his go-do thing. That's funny. And I know when the people are so friendly, they're like, yes, Mr. Wilkins, just like last week, then pharmacies are weird. You know my whole deal with pharmacies. So, I know, let's not get you going. Don't get me going on that. Save it for next week. All right, let's do our five hour thing. Yes, yes. You guys, we're gonna do buzzing around applause. Five hour energy. Look, I'm not, this is what we're talking about. This is buzzing around. They're fruity rainbow flavor. Treat your taste buds to an explosion of fruit candy flavor with a tasty cappine kick. Get candy flavored chaos with fruit rainbow. Five hour energy shots. You can get them at fivehourenergy.com or Amazon. And this one today is going to be, if you get a scenario, I'll bark out a few celebrities. Okay. I haven't seen John Kennedy in a while. I'm gonna put him on a live raft after the cruise ship sank. So, there are a live raft in the ocean. Let's, I'm thinking of maybe... Travolta. I think Travolta, cause I did him at that casino and I kind of like visiting 1972, John, who's the nicest celebrity I've ever met, if it's possible. Yeah. And then I guess Senator John Kennedy is always fun in the live raft. And you can always chime in. And then I just maybe, I think, I'd be funny if Dylan's in the live raft too. I'm trying to think of the most, and maybe Michael Cain and... This is a big one. Timothy Chalamet and then maybe Burgess Meredith. Okay. I'll cover that. Okay. I'll throw to you. Okay. Yeah. You don't need it. Okay. All right. Here we go. So they're in the live raft. This is so ridiculous. So dumb. You know, I'm kind of suddenly I'm beating punchy. Yeah. You know, this is like so weird. I'm with the middle of nowhere in the live raft, you know, there's no paddles or anything. I said, we just paddle with our hands and try to get the Fiji or something like that. Fiji, yeah. What do you think Senator John Kennedy? Says their phone name. Did I? Did I just wake up in stupid town? You're suggesting that we will paddle with our hands 5,000 miles to the island of Fiji. Your words? Not mine. What do you say Bob Dylan? Hey, there's no rules. When it comes to paddling, we can go anywhere we want. We can paddle with the left hand, paddle with the right hand as long as we're going in the right direction. Right, Michael Keane? I think it's obvious that we should light a flare. There's no reason, there's no reason to bloody paddle across the Atlantic Ocean or Pacific. Well, whatever the fuck we are. F Ilken light a flare. Right Timothy? Hey, hey, come on man. No, seriously, we should light a flare, man. Hey, this is Timothy Chalemy. I play Martin Supreme. We should definitely light a flare, man. No, we can light a flare. I'm telling you, man. Right Burgess Meredith? Paddling, this paddling's gonna hurt your appointment, Rock. You can't paddle anymore. You haven't paddled for 20 years. I'm appointment. We gotta have Stallone in the life raft then. Hey, hey, what do you mean? How are we gonna paddle? We don't have a paddle, you know what I'm saying? This paddling's gonna hurt you, Rock. It's gonna hurt you, appointment. Poiming it. That's why I got. And then, and then. No, I need a defibrillator. I'm not bad, I'm not bad. Hey, I think it's a great idea to just paddle everyone, right center John Keane? Now, did I wake up one morning? You're, this is what you call a madhouse. Your words, not mine. Your words, not mine. I'm not known for my physicality. I am 75 years old and you want me to paddle 3000 miles. I'll be doing the navigational participation. And, you know, by the way, the cruise ship is about 50 feet from us. So this fantasy is all over. Let's get back on board. Get back on board. All right, that was buzzing around. Starring Dana Carby, sponsored by 500ergy's fruity rainbow flavor. Treat yourself to a candy like flavor explosion. Satisfy your sweet tooth with the zero sugar treat. Once again, you can get in on this candy flavored chaos online at www.5renergy.com or Amazon today. Applause, applause. That's right, you know, buzzing around. It's still going. By the way, I had warmed up, then we stopped. Go ahead. Oh, there's the ship that got blowed up. Who's that? That's Travolta seeing the Iranian ship. You know, this is like weird. This is the ship that got blowed up by the peak healthist guy. You know, Trump says he's tough like a ding dong, you know. By the way, do you think this war, how is it going to affect the Riyadh comedy festival? I think that's what everyone's asking. Is there another one? I'm sure next year. Oh, they might have to put a pause in it. They might have to put a pin in it. Yeah, just like, don't wanna have to do comedy with a flat jacket on, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's already scary over there. A great story like Monsters Inc. stays with you forever. And Disney Plus is where you'll find your next great story from the return of the award winning hit series, Rivals. Welcome to the naughtiest show on television. To the unmissable crime drama, High Potential. Gotta dead body, gotta go. A lifetime of great stories awaits. This spring on Disney Plus, 18 plus, subscription required. T's and C's apply. Up next, it's Red Flare and his new band. Oh my God, I'm back again. On the back of the scene, oh, everybody's spin. Gonna bring new games, gonna show you now. New game party, find new games. Dropping hits every week, find the new slots. I'm back, back in the scene of tonight. 18 plus, be gamblerware. That's right. All right, let's go to a few stories, even though we're running late. Let's see what's in the news. Let's get a couple stories so people want them. A woman sent her ex-boyfriend over 1,000 pounds of onions so that she could make him cry the same way he made her cry. I like they have this AI photo of this guy scratching his head. This is probably, this is not a fake story, it's like a joke. It's not real, nobody sends 1,000 pounds. 1,000 pounds, you know how much money you'd have to spend? One, the energy and the money. How about one onion? Yeah, I think that this is made up, I'm going out on a limb, it's a hot take. How about just put a fart in a jar, it's a lot cheaper. That's what I do. When I'm in a pinch for a present. Fart in a jar. There's girls that sell those and you would be shocked, Dana, I have to cover your ears and protect you from what's going on out there. I don't want to think about it. There was a Christmas tradition at the Carvey House when our 20s were- We fart in a jar. You would do a diversionary gift and see if someone was sad, you know, like a gift would be a bottle of Heinz ketchup and go, you like it, don't you? It's bottle of Heinz ketchup. They look disappointed. And then my brother had a little keyboard and we'd sing a song, you can take it. You could take it, take it, take it back, you know, return it, so. Okay. Those sound like fun Christmases, right? This sounds really good. That sounds like a blast. All right, next story. Ha ha ha ha ha. By the way, we didn't tell the audience, you did chopping broccoli and you did an acoustic version. That was- Remember that Heather? I started on piano. Heather filmed it. Oh yeah, I started on piano and then some clubs didn't have pianos back. This was pre-SNL and then I sort of adapted a D, little to C, to little E, little runner on. Yeah, I know the language. This is that masterclass thing. Okay, here's our next story. Lamar Odom claims he'd be in the Hall of Fame if not for his quote, great cocaine summers. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm happy for him, he's joyous, he made a choice. He won a title, didn't he? Yeah, with the Lakers. Yeah, I think so. I mean, also people are mad that he didn't break up with Chloe twice. I don't know, that probably stung him a little bit. Never break up. Now, here's one rule of life. If you've landed a Kardashian with a $7 billion empire, never break up with a Kardashian. My words, not yours. My theory, already single. Okay, next story. I was trying to think of something or two of them. There wasn't much there, don't worry. Yeah, I'll tell you in a second. Okay, I don't know what this is, let's see it. Me that most of. Those are the customers that all of Los Angeles are paid actors? Yeah. You know that, because I am one. It's the best acting job in Hollywood or at least the one that's the most consistent. What, this would be shocking if it's true. It was during Rick Caruso's campaign to show that he was successful in probably which I go to without being paid. Yeah, it's quite a place. This guy is saying, he's an actor and to make money, they go to the Grove and walk around. And he's, at the beginning of every shift, you get your loop. And he's paid to hang out at the Grove? Yeah, why? His loop was parking lot to the theaters and bad. He's not a security guard? It's just so people. Look, he was an escalator guy for the first six months. He used to go up and down the escalator. Down to the people, right on the trolleys, those are all extras. You don't need as many, because that's obviously the. The trolley. So what, he just walks around and that's his job? Yeah, that's the funniest part. If it's true, it's crazy. Improv or what are you saying? Yeah, mine's non-speak. Oh, he's a non-speaking interaction. Anything like that. There's a few speaking. So he just walks. But does he have a little sign? Or is it a little hat that says the Grove? How do you know he's not just a dude walking around? No, he just, they. I don't understand. They want the Grove to look packed is what he's saying. So they pay them to come to the Grove. Oh, okay, there I go. So there is a reason. They just pay people to look like the Grove is, yeah. Look like it's bustling. And right after COVID, he's saying they had to do that and he got paid and his loop was escalators, movie theater and back and someone else is like, I go to the fountain in Dizara. What a job. I mean, it's gotta be at least 15 bucks an hour. It's LA, right? I could get my steps. My maximum steps in one day is still 13,000, which is considered nothing. Well, where are you strolling? Are you actually working? You know what you can do is walk down the hill where you live. Walk down the hill to the bottom. Not back up. And then grind back up. No, Dana. Yeah. Dana, no. Heather could film me doing it. Sorry. Oh, you could do it. Easy. You're the people I almost hit coming up my hill because there's no sidewalk. Here's an impression of me going up your hill when I drive up it. It's gone the way to your place. Oh, here's my impression of you. Here's you walking on my hill. No stress. Here's me trying to reach for the intercom to get to the gate. Ah! Separated shoulder. Then you look at the gate and it's like, uh-uh, uh-uh. Hey, Heather! Here's Bobby Lee pulling in my gate. Scrape? He wasn't even looking. He wanted to scrape. I know. It's really a badge of honor. Because instead of wiping his butt, he scraped it along your spine. It's a good story. Sorry, I'm sorry. All right, one more punchy story. I know what I was gonna say. You would have been the greatest cast member in the history of SNL if you hadn't insisting when you were off camera wearing the Gap Girl outfit. That was so sad. So is that bad? I backed it Lamar. I would have been in the SNL Hall of Fame, if not for that. Yeah, but you were always dressed in the Gap. David, do you have any sketches? And I'd look over and you'd be in the Gap Girl outfit and I'm like, this is not. What is he doing? At the time, it seemed like it made sense because I'd wear it to the cast party afterwards and everything, but it was stupid. And it kept me out of the first Ballad Hall of Fame. I went to the Emmys dress as the church lady once. Yeah, that was funny. Jesus. Oh boy. Oh boy, that was not good. Well, well, well. All right, we're gonna end with a banger. This story is good. All right, this is it. Pressure's on. Drum roll. Amanda safe fried or a prosthetic butthole for her new movie Testament of Anne Lee. Why? I think I need more to this story. There's her with her regular butthole. That's just her. Where do we? In the press line. I don't even know what this movie's about. Well, I do need to, that would denote there's some filmography around that particular part of her anatomy and yet she wanted a fake one. What does it say right there? Where it says, is this people magazine? No, it's page six. Amanda had a cool and exciting time using the prosthetic butthole filming. Read more. Yeah, we need more to this story. Right, this may have to be a cliffhanger for next week's podcast. Well, if you're showing your BH, you might be showing your P also, let's be honest. I don't want to talk about it. This is a Weiner heavy show. I think we've jumped the- This show is the disaster. Can I just say something about that actress from my favorite film this year, Housemaid? Housemaid. Did she get an award nomination at least for that? She was good in the Housemaid, yeah. Could we give, she could have, she was kind of a costar. She could have got a supporting actress. She did get best butthole. She got most realistic butthole. All right, we've passed. What we have now officially done. I know, we're in a weird area. We've said the word butthole 20 times. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. No, no, don't. Next week, this won't. I know we didn't wait, I mean, a lot of people ran. I'm sorry. Larry's like, that's not how you do it. That's not, you're ruining it. Well, this is just my new toy. We'll be back next week, how you can get it and you have it out in the kitchen. We're plugging other people's merch we don't even have our own merch. Where's our fly them all sweatshirts? Those sold out fast, we gotta get new ones. I like the sweatpants. I wear them to the gym because they're more comfortable and no one notices that they say fly. No, they're cool. So that's kind of cool, right? Yeah. Okay, well, thanks for coming on, Dane. I know you're busy, boy. I love being on the David Spade show. And my eye will hopefully by next week will be all right. I'm wearing sunglasses next week. I'm just gonna pre-order that. Come see me in Durham or Charlotte coming up or Nashville or Pittsburgh. Or. It's spade as a killer. I was going on second that night and I was in the wings and I just said to the sound guys, are there any way we can get more lighter? Because you were levitating the room and I was like, fire. You know what we did that was good after Dane had crushed and then we went out together. To go, hey everybody. And then we saw two sweet young women dresses by yours. And one is Joe Der. And they were together standing together. That was hysterical in the front row. I can't even, that's a psych. That was great. I should have gotten a picture with them. Next time we do something that big, we should get a picture of Heather come out. So we're like, the audience is behind us. Because a lot of people don't believe it was 45 hundred. And we'll post it. And we will post it, yeah. Okay, let's do it. And I will see you guys soon. We'll see you next week. Thank you for coming. Thank you for being here. Right. Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us review, five star rating. And maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Flanders Wall is presented by Audisene, executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung-Kaiser and Leah Reese-Dennis of Audisene. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetek. Booking by Cultivated Interest. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at flyonthewall at audisee.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.