"Shame Around Masturbation Ruins Your Sex Life"

There are health benefits to masturbating. It releases sexual tension. It reduces your stress. It can help you sleep better. It improves your self-esteem and your body image. I mean, once you learn how to give yourself an orgasm and what feels good, you look in a mirror, all the things, you're going to realize, like, your body's pretty amazing. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's the season of love. Self-love. That's right. This Valentine's Day, I've got all you singles covered. In today's Best of episode, you'll learn the health benefits of self-pleasure and how it helps you not only reduce stress, but elevate your mood. It's also a gateway to understanding your body, boosting your self-esteem, and giving you some serious pleasure. I also answer your questions about how to try masturbation when you never have, which sex toys to use, and also the magic of mutual masturbation. It's honestly one of my favorite tips. I get into the tricky relationship between shame and fantasy and discuss how often you should masturbate in a relationship, which is probably more than you think. Please, please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps more people find the show so they can have better sex just like you. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode. pleasure, looking to reconnect with a partner, or you really just want something body safe and beginner friendly, we've organized it so you don't feel overwhelmed. People love the Dame Pillow for supported sex, the Magic Wand Waterproof. Oh my God, it's so good. Crave Vesper, Massage Candles, Joe Flavored Lube, WeVibe Touch, Clitoral Vibrators. There's just so many things on there because pleasure shouldn't be confusing. It should feel empowering. You can check it out at shop.sexwithemily.com and find something that supports where you are right now, or just click the link in the show notes. Also keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. Let's talk about masturbation for a minute. Just because masturbation is something that I encourage, I know that a lot of you either are bored with your masturbation routine, you still have some challenges around it. You know, maybe you grew up in an environment where it wasn't accepted, or maybe you don't love that your partner masturbates, but you don't masturbate, which is when I think you need to masturbate. But let me just remind you some of the basics here before I go in and answer your questions. There are health benefits to masturbating. It releases sexual tension. It reduces your stress. It can help you sleep better. It improves your self-esteem and your body image. I mean, once you learn how to give yourself an orgasm and what feels good, you look in a mirror, all the things, you're going to realize, like, my body's pretty amazing. It also relieves menstrual cramps and tension. It can help strengthen your muscle tone and your pelvic and anal areas. It's a natural pain relief when you have an orgasm. So a lot of you say, though, why should I masturbate if I have a partner? Well, again, that's why, those health benefits. And it's a way to stay connected with yourself. It literally is the ultimate definition of self-love. It's a very intimate experience with ourself. We discover more things about ourself. We can play. We can make it fun. We can spice it up. And just remember this, just because your partner masturbates and they're with you does not mean that they are not into you and they don't love you or they want something different. It just means they need a release and it's part of connecting with themselves. Also in this episode, I mentioned the G-spot a few times, and I just want to clarify that I believe it's more of a G area. I think the name G-spot has got a lot of vulva owners worried that they don't have the spot. It's in a different place. I believe it's more of an internal clitoral nerves because your clitoris has nerves inside. And also it was named after a guy named Grafenberg. And we know that he didn't have a vulva. So it's an area, have fun looking for other ways to orgasm rather than focusing on a spot. Here's the other thing. I asked on Instagram, I was like, how did you learn to masturbate? We put this in our stories, which is sex with Emily. And you answered practice, porn, experimenting, trial and error. Accidentally, I was in middle school and just started feeling around for what felt good. Someone else said, I just started touching myself thanks to the Miss America pageant and mesh shorts through reading dirty fan fiction when I was 14. Apparently your podcast, I was a masturbation virgin. God, that happens. You realize doing a podcast for 15 years that some of you I grew up listening to this podcast, which is amazing. The internet, self-taught, the movie American Pie. My mom gave me a book about puberty. Accidentally in the shower when water pressure gave me an erection. I've heard that a lot. A lot of accidental, incredible feelings with a shower head. I found a vibrating pen when I was 14 and used that. Here's another common one. I just started humping pillows. A lot of you answered that you were humping mattresses and stuffed animals. Someone else had Pilates. Makes sense. You're tensing your pelvic floor the whole time. I ordered a book behind my parents' back and it taught me how. Love it. Using the jets in my hot tub. Watching Black Swan. And someone else said, my therapist at 30 years old. I love when you talk to your therapist about sex. Why don't you? All right, let's get into your email questions. This is from Joe, female, 52 in Chino Hills, California. I've been listening to you for over a year now. And because of you, I've been thinking more about my needs. I've been married for 31 years, but with my husband for 37 years. We are parents to three adult children now. We have a good sex life. I love him so much and enjoy pleasing him and giving him blowjobs every day, even twice if I'm lucky. Wow. He's also very generous with pleasing me. He's gone a lot because of work, so I'm alone a lot. I want to try masturbating, which I've never done, and I don't know how. I don't know where to start. Do I tell my husband? I feel a little embarrassed about doing that. You always talk about it and it makes me feel like I'm missing something awesome. Any advice for me? Thanks. Can't wait to hear from you. Well, welcome to masturbation, Joe. Yeah, no time like the present. First off, good news that you also have years of experience with your husband. You've had lots of great sex and I'm glad you said that he pleases you. So I'm assuming you already have orgasms and pleasure. And so you do know what feels good to you in relation to your husband's body. but now it's time to get out on your own. So I do have a little recipe here for you to get started. I always recommend taking a bath or a shower and something to just kind of change your state so you're not going from work or whatever you're doing these days and stressed out, but get into your body. It's really hard to get started with masturbation, just going like, now I touch myself. Get into a bath. It really gets your body relaxed and in the mood. Get yourself in the mindset where you're just going to start being present with your body, start to feel the warm water on your skin and scrub and just get into a different state. Set the mood as if you're going on a date, but it's with yourself. So what are all the things you would do before a night of sex? And I want you to give all of that to yourself. Then you can go into your bedroom or wherever you feel comfortable, turn off your phone. And what I want you to understand is that this is more about curiosity. Without the goal of orgasm, it's more about what does it feel like to move your hands on your body, something you've never done before. I recommend taking a mirror and taking a look and actually seeing how you look and checking out your vulva and how you get aroused. You know how I feel about lube. And just experiment with touch and sensations. You could also use a vibrator. But if you've never done it, I recommend just letting your hands figure out what feels good. I mean, you could probably also channel being with your husband and you probably know different body parts that feel good when stimulated, right? We have this muscle memory. But my main thing for you is just to give yourself 20 minutes. Just see how it feels to touch your whole body, your breasts. You can start with your labia, moving your fingers up and down and around in circles. Sometimes a light tapping or moving in circular motions like the pads of your fingers. Just start to breathe too. Breath is really important. Focus on how does it feel to be touched by your own hands? What is the sensation? Do you find yourself, again, still too in your head? I would just breathe deep, move your fingers around. Is it a light tapping, circular motions? Is there something else that feels good? And I think you should absolutely tell your husband. I would think after 37 years, you guys have a close relationship, but he would probably, since he's so invested in your pleasure, he'd probably be really excited that you're taking matters into your own hands. It's truly the greatest act of self-love. Okay, this is from Kay, 30 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, I've never orgasmed with a vibrator before, and that's about to change, but I have no idea where to begin. What should I consider when deciding which vibrator to buy? Is there something that can do clitoris and G-spot? I need help. God, I love a sex toy question. Welcome to the wonderful world of sex toys, Kay. Yes there is something that the internal spots and the clitoris and that would be a rabbit vibe which is a dual stimulation vibe You never had a vibrator before though So I think that you should get two vibrators because I always recommend that we start with a clitoral vibe. Starter toys that I always recommend is the Touch. I love the Jeju Mimi. But let me tell you why I love the Touch. For example, it covers a lot of surface area. The Touch covers your labia and not just your clitoris, but you kind of lay it over your entire vulva and then have the tip of it touching your clitoris. And it just, it's a wonderful vibrator. Touches all the spots, literally the touch. So for internal though, you get the Rave by WeVibe, which is an internal vibe, which also I call it the G-Spot GPS. But if you want to get a dual stim like a rabbit, then I would recommend their Nova 2. Actually, I'm remembering this right now, now that we're talking. My first vibrator, when I went to Good Vibrations 25 years ago, I bought a book called How to Find Your G-Spot. And I bought the original rabbit vibrator, like the one with the batteries, the one that was on Sex and the City. And I realized I never used it because I just thought, yeah, might as well go for the G-Spot because I thought it was superior and I thought it was a whole thing. What I know now is that it really helps to have clitoral orgasms first. And when you're aroused clitorally, like your vulva and everything, it swells and It allows you to have an internal orgasm or G-spot orgasm much easier once you're already aroused. So that's what I recommend. Also get some lube as long as you're getting some toys. I would recommend a water-based lube, like Pure, because water-based lube is best for silicone toys. You can't go wrong with one of these Wee Vibes. All right. So this is from Cora26. Hi, Dr. Emily. My question is regarding vibrators and sex. I have climaxed without a vibrator before with just sex and clitoral stimulation. However, I was single for many years and used my vibrator a lot throughout my time being single. I have a boyfriend now, but from use of my vibrator, I don't seem to be able to go back to climaxing without one. Is there any way I can reprogram myself to climax without a vibrator now? I love the vibrator. Don't mind using it. I just feel more connected with someone when I don't use it. So here's the thing, Cora. We have like a muscle memory. So it is likely true right now that that is how your body is remembering to orgasm. You know, they say if you're exercising a lot, like let's say you were lifting weights and you're doing the same routine every day, eventually our muscles will stagnate. You know, they say you got to mix up your routine and, you know, cross train and all that. So that's exactly what's happening with your vibrator. Your body's used to it. You have your thing with your vibe. You know exactly what you're doing. You hit it and quit it. So much like having to stimulate different muscles group to stay in shape, You have to do this as well with your masturbation routine. So my recommendation is to start masturbating without a vibrator and start to get used to what it feels like with your hands again, because your muscles also remember that. They're just more used to the recent vibrator. I know for a fact that if you actually give yourself permission, you take some time and you say, I might not orgasm this time, or maybe I won't bring in my vibrator for 10 minutes, or I'm going to spend 15 minutes exploring again. I'm going to use some lube I'm going to look in the mirror at how sexy I am I'm going to feel my body I'm going to you know try something new with my partner or maybe my mind is engaged with him like so maybe we're doing some dirty talk or some role playing so you're really feeling connected to your partner and you're not so focused on your own orgasm you might find that it just comes back so I recommend a little bit of practicing on your own and trying something new with your partner because when our mind sometimes is in your head and you tell yourself you can't have the orgasm, sometimes that's actually what stops us from having it. You're not broken here. And I know you'll get it back, Cora. This happens. The good news about this is now you get to learn other ways. You get to relearn your body or maybe learn something new with this new partner, which I always think is exciting. Okay, this is from Drew 28 in Boise, Idaho. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm just wondering if there's any other methods of masturbation for men outside of my hand. My wife would prefer me to not get a flashlight or pocket pussy. All right, Drew. For a lot of men, it does feel good if you're going to mix up your masturbation and you're not going to use your hand, well, you're going to need something else to stroke your penis. And so maybe your wife doesn't like the idea of the flashlight, which are often modeled after a vulva, like they're actually someone's real vagina and vulva. But here's the thing. If you have a penis and you've never tried vibrations or different kinds of lubes, maybe a warming lube or a cooling lube, I'd say it's time to try. There's so many nerve endings on your penis and we're all so ready to go with doing the same thing over and over again. I love, Drew, that you want to try something new. I also recommend switching up your position. If you always use your left hand, use your right hand. If you usually do it sitting down, you could try standing up. Again, try some different lubes and different sensations to play with. You could also try some anal plan yourself. Get a butt plug or get something by a Neros, which is actually made for the prostate. It's actually healthy to stimulate a prostate if you have one. Edging is also a way to mix up your masturbation routine, whether you have a penis or a vulva. But it's the process of stimulating yourself until you get close to orgasm and then you bring it back down again. So you escalate till you're about to orgasm and then you bring it back down. And this is the process of not allowing yourself just to orgasm, but to sort of stay in that area of arousal and stimulation. And the more heightened that becomes, the more times you go up and down with the arousal without orgasming. When you do orgasm, it can feel a lot more intense, a lot stronger. We have a downloadable guide about edging, and you can go to our website and check it out at sexwithemily.com. Okay. This is from Lydia 23 in Nebraska. Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Lydia. I'm 23. I'm a new masturbator and orgasm experiencer. It's a new term I've coined. My boyfriend is 24 and I began experimenting with toys two months ago. We just got a bullet clitoral vibrator and used it in the bedroom together on a vacation. I've never finished from penetration, but I think I faked it a few times. I've taken to using the toy on my own and I've masturbated for the first time ever. I'm doing it every day, but I've read stories masturbating too often can negatively impact your sex life with your partner. Any advice on balance? I'm his first girlfriend and he doesn't have a lot of confidence in the bedroom. He doesn't particularly enjoy giving oral. So I hesitate to advise him on to help me finish. All right, Lydia, here's the thing. I love that you're exploring that you got yourself a vibrator and you're playing with it. Masturbating too often, listen, it only becomes a problem when it's a problem. Can you no longer get turned on by your partner? Can you no longer do anything without your vibrator? Are you missing work because all you're doing is staying home and masturbating? Like that's when it becomes a problem. But I wouldn't worry about the negative impact. But what I do like here is that what you said is your boyfriend doesn't have a lot of experience. He's in his 20s. You're in your 20s. I think you could give him the greatest gift ever if you say, I've been doing a lot of experimenting lately. And I in no way want this to come across like I think I know more than you or better than you. I've just been exploring my body. And I want to show you this really cool thing that I've learned. And let me show you this toy. And maybe he could use it on you. But remember, the only reason why, you know, he doesn't have a lot of experience, which I find with a lot of people in their 20s because you just haven't, even if you've had sex with a lot of people, it doesn't mean you've experienced with a partner that is in a healthy place. You're giving and exchanging ideas and information and listening and helping each other. He just said to me, Lydia, that you don't want to rock the boat with him, but you'd be doing him a huge favor, huge service to tell him about pleasure and let him see you have an orgasm so he knows that it's possible. So I would recommend that. But also mutual masturbation is such a sexy thing to I always recommend to couples where you're both masturbating. So you're both doing your thing. It's really hot because watching your partner masturbate is sexy and seeing your partner in those with passion. It's sexy as hell if you haven't done that. But also it's educational because you actually get to see how they touch themselves and what turns them on specifically. Does he put his hand on his balls? Does he grab the shaft? What does he do? What kind of pressure? And then you could learn when you're going down on your partner and then he can learn what you like. So oral will become more comfortable to him. But the reason why a lot of guys don't like oral is because they don't really know what they're doing because they haven't been with a partner who either enjoyed receiving it or actually knew how to articulate what they want. So if you can make this like a shared experience, Lydia, with your boyfriend and just be like, hey, I'm excited to be exploring together and learning new things. Let's start with learning about my body together. That's what I recommend. This is from Rebecca, 23 in Oregon. Hey, Dr. Emily, my name is Rebecca, and I'm a new listener to your podcast. After pursuing some articles on your Frequently Asked Questions page, I have a question I want to know more about. How can I overcome the roadblock of shame in masturbating? I grew up in a conservative Christian and in a single-parent household where sex, masturbation, and men were either not talked about or demon organized. Masturbation was seen as a sin. Lingerie was gross. And sex, as described to me by my mom, is a way for women to be men's toilets. As a result, I've never solo masturbated. I'm currently married to an amazing, supportive, and sex-positive man with whom I've done lots of sex learning and unlearning with My sex drive has been very low since we got married because of major anxiety and busy schedules My husband encouraged me to try masturbating to increase sex drive and has bought me every kind of vibrator under the sun I have self during sex a few times with my husband but I still cannot get myself to do it solo. I do believe masturbation is healthy and needed, but I can't get myself to do it. It's like there's a huge wall that I just cannot overcome no matter what. I desperately want to increase my sex drive. I think masturbation might be what's needed. Any advice? Oh, Rebecca, thank you so much for your question. First off, I'm going to help you here, but I think this is so relatable. And so when people grew up in homes where sex was demonized and they were told it was wrong, and then they go out and try and have a healthy sex life, and it's really hard to get rid of all the messaging that you heard as a young child. And it becomes so part of who you are, and it's hard to separate it all. So just be kind to yourself and know that this is going to be a journey here. But what I love is that your husband is also encouraging you to explore. So that probably also helps you realize it's not wrong. So we've got a battle here of your mind and your body. So what I would love for you here is to just start to, you seem like you're a really good writer. I would kind of write about some of your earlier messages to sex and see, do they still serve me? Do I still believe them? Where did that message come from? And it sounds like you know this, But if you could really sort of write it down and realize, does that still serve me? Is that true? Getting rid of those messages around it and realizing that it really is not what you choose to believe. It sounds like you're there and it sounds like it's been fairly recent that you are learning that you deserve pleasure. So for let's say for 21 years, I don't know when you got married, but let's say you're 23. So I'm going to say maybe you were 21. And maybe for 21 years, you've been hearing that sex is wrong and gross in your men's toilets. it makes sense that you're not going to be able to switch on a dime to all of a sudden be in your body and be sexual, be masturbating. You have to undo a lot of that stuff, a lot of that messaging, which I'm glad that you realize is no longer serving you. And so I would replace some of that with some more education. That helps a lot. I love that you're listening to the podcast. That's a huge, huge help for so many people. And the more that you fill your brain and fill your mind with sex positive information more than your husband telling you it's okay. Got a lot of great blogs on the site. Find some other sex positive books and more content that makes you feel more like yourself. So there's just layers of unlearning. I also recommend that you talk openly to friends that are outside of your, you know, not your family. It sounds like you've talked to your mom and your husband, but I'll bet if you start talking to your girlfriends, they can tell you about maybe some ways that they've masturbated or maybe they've overcome the shame. But the more we start to normalize sex, which is what my mission is, is to get everybody to talk about sex and to make it less taboo and less shameful. It can start with you getting in the practice of not just masturbating, but the practice of truly being a sex positive woman who respects your own needs and desires and your own pleasure. And I think the more that you start to make sex information available to you, and a part of your life, the old messaging will start to slip away and you'll really be able to step into the Rebecca that you are meant to be as a fully empowered, sexy, incredible woman. Hands up. I'll be right back with more solo sex talk after a quick break for our sponsors. Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. 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You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair. It's iconic. Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code SWE10 at bathmatedirect.com. That's bathmate direct, B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E-D-I-R-E-C-T.com. Use code SWE10 for 10% off. So head to bathmatedirect.com, use SWE10, and level up your confidence. Hi, female caller. You can be anonymous. what would your name be if you if you had your alter ego i would say um acolytus acolytus the goddess yeah it's a goddess you are you are acolytus to me tell me everything what's going on i'm calling um because i 55 and i just had these young neighbors young couple just moved next door to me probably about a year ago and i find myself masturbating in the bathroom in the shower when I know that they're home. Is that weird? Well, what do you mean? So you masturbate in the shower and they're home and they can hear you, like hear you masturbating or you're. So here's the thing. So I, you know, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom just naturally. I like to bathe. I like to shower. I do candles, the whole thing. Right. But since they moved next door, I find myself spending a lot more time there with music and candles and I'm not super, super loud, but I noticed I always kind of check to see if their car is there and then, you know, well, yeah, I don't think, I mean, I can't believe I'm even saying it out loud. I think that's really like, so no, I love that you're calling it because we all have rich fantasy lives. If we don't, we got to get some because this is it. So are you thinking about them or maybe you're thinking about them hearing you or are you thinking about like, are you in the bathtub? I'm in, I'm in the bathtub most, most times. And then I used to bring my tool in the bathroom with me and then I'll start. But I noticed as I start to masturbate, I'll fantasize about the two of them hearing me. And I don't get super, super loud. But, you know, once the orgasm starts, you know, I don't really care about the sound. So I hope I'm not being loud. I don't think I'm being loud at least. Well, you're probably inspiring them. Maybe you're a little bit of foreplay for that. Maybe they hear your orgasm and that turns them on. I'm kind of hoping. Yeah. Let's see if they complain. But I think that that's really healthy. I think that you are keeping sex top of mind. You know what you need. It's self-care, taking a bath, setting the atmosphere, playing music, lighting a candle and giving yourself pleasure and bringing in having a rich fantasy life around your neighbors. And are they hearing or not? It's all good. I feel like, Echolides, it's time to go find the other toy now. um so what can we back up for a minute what is the tool that you bring into the bat because you said I bring my tool which I love it's a right a vibrator it's called the melt m-e-l-t oh dude yes I love that thing it's so good we're talking about the we vibe melt I tried it I thought I've had all the kinds of orgasms I tried it and then I had one orgasm and then I had another one and it was like this. I don't know what happened. You're like something from the inside came out. It was some nerve endings. It was incredible. And I was so excited that I came in the next day and my staff was here and a new intern they were interviewing and I couldn't help it. I was like, I had this orgasm with this melt. Anyway, it was funny. So yeah, I love the melt. I feel you. Unfortunately, I tried it on my first time. I tried it on a Saturday morning in my shower downstairs and everybody was eating on my family, my husband and my kids were eating breakfast. And I literally was on the floor after, you know, my stomach was crunching. I was like, oh my God, they're going to have to call 911. And one of my kids knocked on the door. They were like, mommy, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I'm okay. I had to get out of the shower and I had to like, I bought, I did the fetal position and then I started doing some stretches because my stomach was just like my my my abs were nodding up and i thought this is it this is gonna be it the fire department is gonna have to come and i'm gonna be here in the fetal fucking position with this melt vibrating next to me it was awful i wanted to cry mommy are you okay i'm like yeah i'm fine it'll be okay it does that like you gotta put guardrails up or something like you gotta wear knee pads or some kind of padding like a helmet or something you need to wear right because you can you can go out yeah i use mine in my steam shower i gotta turn off the steam sometimes you gotta be like Something could happen here. Okay, well, now, do you know which one you have in your garage that you have in your garage? No, I don't. I haven't had it out in so long. I think that's your assignment this weekend. I didn have a G because I was like maybe I don have one Oh you do You have an internal clitoral nerve I mean wait what about your husband Does he ever come into the bathroom with you No that your time Does he ever help to find your G That's the other thing. That's one of the reasons why I'm so quiet, because I think he knows that I masturbate in the bathroom, but I think I have a little bit of guilt because while he knows that I masturbate, I don't think he knows that I'm fantasizing about the neighbors. Does that make doesn't. Yeah, absolutely. And he doesn't need to know everything. It's okay to have fantasies that we, listen, there's two kinds of fantasies, the ones we want to keep to ourselves and the ones we want to share with our partners. That's it. No judgment. Listen, the time where we feel the most sexually satisfied or the most pleasure is when we are free and we're not worried about what anyone else thinks about our orgasm and what turns us on and what gives us pleasure. That's why women aren't having orgasms as well because we just, we worry. But your G-spot orgasm is totally, your internal orgasm is totally possible. But I think you just got to get that, go dig out that toy. If you incorporate some internal play into your session, then maybe you'll start to feel more orgasms and maybe that'll be something you want to bring into your relationship. Like maybe you'll be like, look at all these nerve endings. Let's go crazy. Acholitis. Thank you so, so, so much. You're amazing. Thank you for calling. Stay in touch. Okay, I got you. Let's talk to Wendy in Oregon. Hi, Wendy. Hi, Emily. I appreciate your show. I like listening to it, but I do have a question. Of course. You were talking about a device called, a vibrator called the Melt, and I wanted to know how it compared to the Womanizer. That's a really good question. Oh, okay. I have some recommendations. Great. Do you like the Womanizer? Fuck yeah. Yes. Sorry. No, Wendy, that's exactly how we all feel about the Womanizer. Okay, so here's the deal. Womanizer bought WeVibe and they became one company. So Womanizer's one and then WeVibe. So WeVibe took the technology from Womanizer, that pleasure air technology. It indirectly stimulates your clitoris. It kind of feels like the closest thing to oral sex. It sort of gets around your clitoris and sort of has like this sort of a sucking feeling. and it's just like nothing that's ever been created before. Then Wevibe made a toy called the Melt and they took that technology and it just uses, it's all silicone material. So it's like the reason why it's a little different than the Womanizer, it's the same technology, but it's sort of is more uniquely shaped into the toy. So it doesn't come with like a separate, you know how the Womanizer comes with like two separate heads and it's kind of an external sucking. It's an external thing. This one doesn't have that. But I think they're all, I think if you like your Womanizer, are, you're good. But the melt is it? Well, the melt is a different sensation because it's also angled and it's a little bit, which, which womanizer do you have? I say, try it. I'm like, I don't know what your, how much you got, what your budget is, but it's pretty awesome. It's a little bit smaller. I could keep the womanizer at my boyfriend's house and then keep the melt at my house, I guess. Yes. Wendy, that's it. That's it. And then one day you call your boyfriend and say, guess what? I'm bringing a third tonight. And then you show up with the, with the, with the, with the melt. You're like, I got to show you my, yeah, no, that's, that's, that's what you should do. I think you, I think that, listen, why do I need six pairs of black boots? Right. Do I really need them that this inch, this heels of two inches and this is the, no, like, do you need the melt? How did, yeah. I mean, you know, you don't need it. You have the womanizer, but I say it's all, that's why when I came in, Wendy, I've been trying vibrators for 15 years. And then I tried and I was like, this is a different kind of orgasm. So when I talk about exploring nerve endings, trying new things, you know, you never know what it could open up for you. Wonderful. Yeah, Wendy. Thanks, Wendy. Let me know what you think. Now you got to tell me your experience with it, okay? I will, I will. Okay, thank you so much. Of course, Wendy. Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. Rapid fire questions. A lot of you are sliding into my DMs and emails and I wanted to answer as many as I can in a limited amount of time. so here we go how do you talk to your husband of 17 years about our mismatched libidos this is the old timing tone and turf you can go to our website and also check out our guide but listen you got to have these conversations honest open just be curious and tell him that you want to talk about how much sex feels right to him and how much sex feels right to you and then you compromise and you schedule it all right this is from abby what is a fun sex position that isn't common well Well, you know, there's a few positions. I'd say there's about four or five that we all know about. But remember, there are alternatives to those positions. You could try a sitting position. Your partner sits on the bed and then you sit on their lap. You could try an alternate position to doggy style. Remember, you don't have to be on all fours. You can lay down. You can use pillows as props. When you prop pillows up and you raise up your pelvic floor, that can really kind of enhance the penetration. And it can really enhance the depth of penetration. and it can feel that much better. You can also try the cap position coital alignment technique. You can check it out on our website and that can also help a vulva owner have more orgasms. All right, where do I start experimenting with BDSM? How do I bring it up with my wife? How should we start to explore? Well, if you've ever had a conversation about your sex life, this is a great place to start. Start talking about fantasies. What are three things she's been wanting to try? What are three things you want to try? You can also start to explain to her what you think is hot about BDSM. Do you want to spank her? Tie her up? Do you want to talk dirty to her? Let her know what you're into and why and then see how she feels about it. Show her some scenarios in porn or somewhere that she can understand more about it and what might be pleasurable to her. This is from Instagram. I want to spice up my masturbation routine. I want to try doing it outside. Thoughts. Yeah, you know, spicing it up. I mean, sometimes if you could just do it with your left hand instead of your right hand. I just read about a guy being arrested doing it in a Walmart parking lot so I don't really recommend just doing it like outside in your car but try a vibrator try different techniques if you always masturbate on your back do it on your stomach if you're always laying down try sitting and there's warming gels and cooling gels and you could just try different sensations remember our body parts there's so many nerve endings and so much sensitivity that if you're playing with hot and cold sensations and different vibrators. It's going to mix it up. I promise. All right. This is from a female on Instagram. Newly dating. He's smaller than me. I'm insecure. Is this common? You know, I think that everything's common. You guys all want to know, am I normal? But if you're attracted to him and he's attracted to you, then just remember that our insecurities are coming from our own deep rooted place of insecurities. And so I think just working on being connected and present in the moment and go with that because I'm sure this is probably your limiting belief and not your partners. How can I get my husband to be more confident in the bedroom? Okay, you know, we often think that to get our partners to be more confident about affirmation and giving them, you know, lots of compliments. But the truth is, I'm going to guess that he's probably insecure in other areas as well. Usually our insecurities have to do with deeply rooted issues in our psyche that we haven't quite tackled yet. So I would, you know, confidence ultimately is an inside job. So I would try to have conversations with him and find out what it is that is driving his insecurities if you want to help him talk it through. But I feel like a lot of it is us kind of working and clearing out those demons that are holding us back. Okay. Wife loves cunnilingus and doggy style physician. Can she climax from a rim job while I'm there? I don't know. Why don't you try it out and see what happens consensually? Why not? Let me know if it works. We're all different. That's the beauty of this. Let me know. Some women can. All right. That's all we have time for. Thanks, everyone. Send me your questions. Love you all. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or part of play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind-blowing clitoral vibes Jeju is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G-spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no-brainer. Everyone loves the Hera. And right now, you can get 20% off the Hera using code EMILY20 at sexwithemily.com slash Hera. That's EMILY20 for 20% off at sexwithemily.com slash H-E-R-A. So if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it.