#753 - SAM TALLENT + JIM BREUER

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's turning for the best fucking night of their lives? YEEE! This is like the firewoods. Oh my god, how about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land? That's the Killtony band. The great Matt Mewling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is D-Madness, live in the bush. We are back here at the comedy mothership yet again for another episode of the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by BlueChoose Shopify, Talkspace, and Tacovas. We have a great episode lined up for you guys. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Killtony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHingeCliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Killtony show in the great state of Texas. Welcome to Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th, TonyHingeCliff.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start this fucking show? Wow. I mean, what can I say? Every single week I booked this mammadjama, and I don't think it gets much better than this. One of the guests, I've wanted on this show for its 13 year existence. He is all time one of my favorite comedians since I was a kid and to this day. The other guest is one of our best guests in the history of the show. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time and the other guest for the multiple-with time, make some fucking noise for the great Jim Brewer and Sam Tallinn. Oh my god, Jim Brewer. What fucking go, baby? Sam Tallinn. Here we go. Oh yeah. Sam Tallinn, ladies and gentlemen, Jim Brewer, Jim. Have a seat. Have a seat. What the hell is Sam doing? He likes the band. Sam likes the band. Jim Brewer, your first time in the Killtony universe. Let's fucking go. Hell yeah. I've loved you forever. I'm so excited for you to be joining our silly, silly world that we have here. This is gonna be fun. Hell yeah, it is. I'm hopped up. We're gonna watch some comedy together. It's gonna be exciting. Sam Tallinn is back one of the best in the show's history. Very glad to be back. Happy New Year, Tony. Tony's friend, congrats. Sam's got his book, his tour, everything. Not tour when it's every weekend. Please come see me to stand up. It's just my job. Sam Tallinn.com for tickets. Jim Brewer.com for the brand new Find the Funny Tour. It's just about to get started here. Jim Brewer.com, B-R-E-U-R. And we are about to have a goddamn blast. Jim, this is your first time, so you might not know. Over 250 innocent souls are stacked in a disgusting bar next door. And they're all crammed in there together. And they're all hoping that this guy with the red hat and little glasses, famous for yo-yoing and having finger skateboards comes over and says, you're next. You're going to be on the biggest show in the industry. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. That's the dream, man. Oh, well, yep. What? Yep. I'm waiting for this guy. I thought he was here to bring Red Band more vapes. I mean, look at this guy. He's got the headset. This is what it looks like when the ballboy wants to pretend to be the head coach of a football team. You're a gatekeeper. It is. I thought you get so much pussy out of this. It's incredible. Oh, he's a toothy. Look at him. Look at him. He should be coaching Indiana in the national championship right now and instead of he's smiling. Anyway, I pull their name out. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, the time is up and you're the son of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Red Band. Graded his job, everybody. So good. It is. Very good, Red Band. Very good. Great stuff. You might want to figure that out because that's your only job. Wow. All right. He madness thought it was the sound effects. Well, we go wrangle that comedian from the bar next door. We have our newest golden ticket winner here to make just her second appearance ever in the show's history. Her first appearance was New Year's Eve in the sold out Moody Center Arena here in Austin, Texas. This is her first time on the show at the mothership. Makes a noise for her mother's ship debut. This is Yacht Chow Young, everybody. Thank you. How are we doing? New's young. A fun fact about me. I was adopted by a few white guys. Ever since I came to the United States at the age of 20? Most comedians call themselves comics. I just get called a comedy. As an immigrant, the first question people ask me is always, hey, are you here by yourself? Do you have family here? And when I tell them, no, I don't have family here. They always pity me. They say, oh, I'm sorry. You're here alone? I mean, yeah, that's exactly why I'm here. You think I flew 13 hours all the way across the world so I can see them again? I'm here to get away from them. Hello, America. Thank you. Yacht, Chow Young. All right, Red Band. Very good. Red Band has an affinity for tiny Asian women. Dude, in the green room, I thought she was your wife the whole time. I'm so sorry. I didn't say hello. I'm Sam Town. Okay, you did an excellent job. Thank you. Fun times. Welcome, welcome. Incredible first set at the mothership. We learned a lot about you. How did you end up here? Did you really come at age 20? Oh, yeah, I came here for school. Okay. What did you study? I studied music. What did you study? That is surprising. Yeah. What is it? Violin or something? What did you study musically? Yeah, I like to sing and play some instruments. Really? What instruments do you not apply? A guitar. But I'm not too good at it. I'm more like a singer. Really? Yeah. Wow. About like the dragon dance thing. I think you were stalking me on Facebook. What? You were stalking me on Facebook. What, are you? No, that wasn't me. That was Joe Coy. Yeah. I love Joey. Did you get a degree in music? No, no, I don't like school. You dropped out. The rare Asian dropout. That's why she came to America. I love it. So how long did you go to school for? I was a year in Maryland and a year in Florida. Oh, only the best. You've seen both the jewels in the crown of America right there. Maryland, Florida. You spend a lot of time in Florida, right? I'm in Florida now. Watch it, punk. What surprised you about American culture when you came over here? What surprised you? Is people eat a lot? We do eat a lot. Red band, there you go. They need people in the warm are they need weird chair just because they're all awake. Quit looking at me. I mean, you just need 50 more pounds than you're on a weird chair. Wait, which way? Up. I mean, you look like you could be in weird chair now. That's what the lady Adelta said this morning. So your parents are in China. Yeah, yeah, and they don't know I do comedy either. They really don't know? No, yeah. Really? Yeah, because they're broke and I don't want to give them money. Why are they broke? What do they do for work? They just teach small business owners. Oh, what kind of small business? Like a printer shop. Wow, a Chinese printer shop. Look at that. Sounds like a front. Yeah. Yeah, it does. I love it. So now you still live in Florida? Oh, I just moved here in the Austin. Oh, congratulations. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Red band was really jones in to hit a button this whole time just scrolling and then he hit that one. I thought ice was here. I was saying, oh, no. I'm front. I. I. I. Ice more like rice. Whoa, right? Yeah. Yeah. Come on now. Come on. Come on. Come on. Gotta show it. No, we're keeping you here. We love you long time. Wow. So you really know how to sing? Can you sing us something? Yeah. Yeah, let's hear something. Something not a YouTube copyrighted. Do you have any like originals or something like that? No, no, it's not. What do you like a traditional Chinese folk song? Oh, Chinese song. Yeah, can you sing a Chinese song? That's what we want to make. Do you like the Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing? Do you know what I'm saying? We got it. He's got the Chinese kit right here. And then, turtle shells? Oh, it's slower. It's slower. That's what it sounds like when you eat a bat. Can you do acapella? Yeah, I guess. Okay, here she is. She's like literally anything but what you're planning. Do I have to song it size? The moon shows my love to you? Okay. Classic. It's a real panty dropper, so I was... You're the second red band here. I wish I had a knife and I would come and spoke to you. Now, that's Japanese. But... And I would have known that if I was red band, so... Ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Making her singing debut, Kino with the solo spotlight. This is Yachau Young, everybody. Thank you. Unbelievable. Red band's crying over here. You move him. Look at his face. His entire face is wet. Oh, my God. It's burning because it's alcohol. He's retarded. No. Yachau Young, you are a great addition to the Killtony family. Thank you. What a way to start the night. I think you should have stayed in school. I'll meet you later. Yachau Young, everyone. And now we go to the bucket. This is a crazy part of the show. I mean, this is the heartbeat of the show. This is what it's all built around. It's seeing people, finding people, meeting them, asking them what the hell made them want to do this. This first bucket bowl says that it's on the inside, representing the audience. I do believe we wrangle them, correct? Make some noise for your first bucket bowl of the night. I'm so happy to be here. I've actually been going through a depression these last six years, you know, since the pandemic. It started when I lost my dad. Did anybody else lose someone during that time when you couldn't be with your loved ones in their last moments? I am sorry to bring the party down. But I got the phone call and the lady was like, is this Tina? And I said, yes. And she said, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your dad has been pronounced dead. And I was in shock. And I was confused because my mom pronounces it deadbeat dad. You guys don't have to feel bad for me. He didn't leave a will, but I did inherit his blue handicap parking tag. So where did y'all part? I do have all his leftover prescription drugs. So if anybody has diabetes or high blood pressure, I'm selling those outside two for five. I guess now that my dad has passed the pick. Tina, like, Hoshina pushing it to the limit there going over her time. Unlike her father who was out too soon. Didn't do the full welcome Tina. How long you been trying stand-up comedy? Trying, yes. Since the pandemic. Oh, okay. So you've really been doing it? I'm trying. That's the set that you went with. Oh, you're hands shaking. You're very nervous right now. You're okay, Tina. Yes, yes. Your dad's looking up at us right now. He's very... You're not wrong. My mom would say this. He's very proud of you. Okay, Tina, where do you live? I'm from Robstown, Texas. Okay. All right. Pickers. Okay. All right. That's easy. We really want to like you, you know? I feel bad, man, because she hyped us up. And our cousins are like, you're going to crush it, man. You're going to crush it. And we're all like, just be cool. Did her best. You did. She's freaking out. Yeah. Yeah. Don't freak out. It's all good. You crushed it. Yeah. That wasn't easy. You did a fine job. Yeah. You weren't expecting it pulled. This is the biggest performance comedy. Of course, your brain's breaking half. Thank you. And did your father really pass from COVID? Yeah. I didn't know you could die of a hoax. Now, look. Now, look. Yeah. Now, see, you can have that. Put that in the axe. I'll add that in. Yeah, yeah. For sure. I can't use it, thank God. That's how we got out into the pain child support, I think. Oh, okay. Now we're cooking. Yeah. Yeah. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have two sisters and a brother. All from the same dad. No, they got their own dad. Oh. Was their dad present in their lives? Their dad is alive. Deadbeat to them, but still alive. Yes. Wow. They're dead. Wear a mask. I don't think we know him. I don't know. Wow. Your mom's a real whore, huh? Says bad taste in people overall, huh? She's alive and she's watching right now. Thank you. Mommy. Mama Kochina. Please subscribe. Mama Kochina. Okay, Tina. So your mom is only fans? No. What do you do for work, Tina? I'm an educator. I work in education. What exactly does that mean? An educator. Are you a teacher? Yes. Okay. You call it an educator? Is that to make it sound smarter or something? No, I don't know. I'm very... Who are you educating exactly? I work for a beauty school. I teach cosmetology. Oh. Wow. A bunch of school. Oh, boy. Every time I ask a question, it gets worse and worse. Everybody. I'm an educator. I'm a cosmetology teacher. I killed my own father. I visited him at the hospital and I put the pillow over his face. Suffocated. That happened. Wow. Oh, that explains the confident lipstick choice. I like this. Thank you. That's all I have going for me. It's great. You have a great mouth. Thank you. I've been told that for... Wow. Good lord. I love it. Tina, what's your love life like? I don't have a love life, but I did bring two friends with me. They're out there. They love me. Three way. Oh. She's famous. Shout out, Caitlin, Mr. Window. She's definitely going to be popular in school. Right. You're going to be the wig, mannequin. The cosmetology is full of women. There's, I don't have a chance. Let me ask you this. The women that want to learn how to do cosmetology. What are they like? It's a tough crowd. Oh, my God. All right. Thank you. They're all strippers. Very good. We're covering strippers with being implied. Yes. Okay. So what do they like? Tell us about it. My students? My students? Yeah. Oh, my students are bitches. I... Yeah. Okay. There you go. Yeah. I'm trying to get out of the industry and start comedy. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Okay. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. You don't seem like you're afraid of a challenge. Thank you. I'm trying. Yeah. Now, that's cool. You're doing stand-up in where? The middle of Texas. I am doing stand-up at the anix in Corpus Christi. You're eating anix? Yeah. The anix. Whoa. That was the best room in Corpus. Yeah. It's above a pizza place, right? No. No. Below the pizza place. Yeah. Under. Yeah. Down the street. There's much of tunnels. Yeah. I've been there. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. In fact, about me, I can say the 50 states in alphabetical order. All right. OK. All right. Just when you thought you couldn't love her more. Yeah. I wouldn't ask you to do that. But what's last? What's last? Last. There's nothing fun about me. I don't, there's fun facts. No Wyoming. What? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh. This is brutal. Tina La Cucina. You're the first bucket bull of the night. Congratulations. You were on Kiltoni. Tina La Cucina. Ladies and gentlemen. All right. Sam, you don't have to shake everybody's hand out there. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. Just let them go. Let them go. There's Heidi. Look at this. Oh my god. What a beautiful sight on these weary eyes. What a difference a moment makes. Tina La Cucina, Heidi. Heidi is the final boss of Cosmetology School. For those of you that don't know. I also don't know. Doesn't Tina La Cucina mean Tina the food? I think so. Tina the kitchen. She's named after her favorite room in the house. Hello there, this podcast sponsored by PrizePix. The big game is almost here. There's no better way to cash in during America's biggest sporting event than with PrizePix, where it always feels good to be right. That also means it's your last chance to get into football action before this next season. So close the season outright with PrizePix by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. Oh, you're being. I love PrizePix. It's the best way to get into sports like myself. My best friend didn't even know what a first downwall. Oh, what an idiot. I know. Who were you hanging out with? I was hanging out with the mirror. Then we started playing on PrizePix. And now she's taking to me, talking to me every Sunday about who she's picking for the lineup. It's so exciting and gets us all amped up watching that game. Oh, look at that. Find your community on PrizePix like Redban. With the new social feeds feature, you can share PrizePix with your friends and copy lineups from winners with a single click. You can even follow PrizePix partners like us and tail or fade our picks. Plus PrizePix now has early payouts. If your player gets off to a hot start, you can have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. Download the PrizePix app today and use Cotone to get $50 in lineups. After you play your first $5 lineup, that's Cotone to get $50 in lineups. After you play your first $5 lineup, PrizePix, it's good to be right. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify 2026 is the year you launch your business. One powerful move puts your future firmly in your hands, starting a business with Shopify. Maybe you've got an idea you can handshake. A craft everyone tells you to sell a store you've already designed in your head. With Shopify 2026 is when you finally make it happen. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person, millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap from a tall to gym shark to first time business owners just getting started like, oh, damn. Tony, I love Shopify. It's the best business tool out there. Shopify gives you all the tools, the easily build your dream store. Plus set up is fast. We Shopify's built in AI tools that write product descriptions and headlines and help you edit product photos. That's right. And marketing is built into you. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. As you grow, Shopify grows with you. Handle more orders, expand new markets and do it all from the same dashboard. In 2026, stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash Killtony. Go to Shopify.com slash Killtony. That Shopify.com slash Killtony. Here you are first in this new year with Shopify by your side. All right, we're gonna keep moving on. This is the one word name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Prefern, everybody. Here comes first. Do female crypts menstruate? I just know they don't fuck a blood like that. My girlfriend has the daddy dumb little girl kink. If you don't know what that is, that's where she pretends she's a little girl. I'm not into it, but I just want to be a supportive boyfriend. But I don't got kids. I don't know what to do. So I just do what my dad did. I get drunk and beat the shit out of her. We all jerk off in front of our pets. Woo! Woo! Have you ever came on a cat? All right. Was that it? Have you ever came on a cat? If you think about it, it's just a self-cleaning comrag. All right. All right. A lot of cat lovers out there, tonight. Goddamn. Now you don't do a pussy pun right there? A pussy pun? Yeah, you think you do something about pussy right there. I'm trying. I got a lot of cat material, dog. I like that. I thought the jokes were solid. I liked the quiet confidence, letting it linger. It was nice to see some jokes here tonight. Hell yeah. Thank you, son. I love your book, by the way. Thank you. Thank you. A lot of white splotches on those pants. It's like, it looks like the cat's returning the favor, huh? Goddamn right. I got some cat hair on me a bit. Okay. These pants are doing white face, Ram okay? That looks like all my neighbors in Florida. It is the Florida look. Where are you from, Fern? Paris, Texas. Okay. Ula la. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years, actually. Yeah. Okay, and you've been on the show before, right? Yes, sir. I've been on the show for three days of my third time. Hell yeah. How's it been going for you, good? It's going great. Just on the grind mine set, you know, working 58 hours, doing comedy five nights a week, and cutting it with my cats, red man nose. Hell yeah. Cats comedy work, baby. Cat lover. As you could tell by his huge hands, cat hair falling off of him. Why are you so dirty, though? Even our worker, I built buildings. Oh, sir. Can you put some light on 9-11? Yes, actually. It's my favorite conspiracy. Jeff Fuel Bill. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. No. We're on YouTube. We know who getting it. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Spircy. Quiet, quiet. What? Fertont tell us something crazy we don't know about, yeah? From 0 to 17, I could not pronounce the letter R. Ooh. Yeah. So I was all so. Have you been hard to describe yourself? Yeah. How would you pronounce it? Foon. What? Foon. No R. Foon. Oh, yeah. We used to know a guy like that. I know what you're talking about. Yeah. So how did you learn how to pronounce R? What speech therapy? I knew I was going to go to the Air Force. I'm vet. Fuck yeah. One vet. And I knew I couldn't say Sua, yes, Sua. And get away with it. So I went to speech therapy, fixed that chair right quick. How long did it take you? Pretty quick, actually. Yeah, if I could teach you, all you got to do is pick your tongue out to the roof of your mouth. I had the same thing, dude. I also could not say my ours as a little fat boy. And my favorite X-Men was Wolverine. So my mom had me come in during dinner parties and be like, Sam, what's your favorite X-Men? And I was like, whoovahwee! My name is Little Fat Boy looking like John Popper. It was brutal. Oh, I was 82 pounds and kindergarten. Really? It's a fatso. What did you do to lose the weight? I didn't. Oh, you grew into it. Yeah, I grew into it. You put your butt. Sure, so it was 82 pounds and kindergarten. I was a fatso, dude. Wow. I can relate. Thank you. We should hug. Yeah. I was really skinny my whole life. Wow. Look at that. Really hot. Really hot grew up. I was just about to ask you. Anyway. What's your love life like? Oh, fucking crazy question. So I had a chick kind of fuck me up pretty bad. She bought me a plane ticket to Canada. Oh, yeah. And then eight days before she informed me that I was actually the side piece. Yeah, I'm glad they left. It's awesome. Yeah, what's wrong with that? What's the problem? Well, she was telling me I was not the side piece the whole time. I love you. Blah, blah, blah. All this then. The third. Out of it fine. Just being the side piece. She just don't fucking manipulate me. It's a whole fucked up thing. So what? You didn't end up going to Canada? I did not. No. But you talked to her like a lot or something. You like had feelings for her before meeting her? Yeah. She flew down four times and we just basically had sex all day every day. It was great. Yeah. I mean, three times a day. Just fucking getting it. I earned that plane ticket. God damn it. Don't buy a dog. Okay. So you didn't think just to keep that on the side and be the side piece for you. And then you know, try to find another girl. I mean, it just genuinely fucked me up. I didn't eat for five days. Then I got on talk space. From a code space 80. That's right. You know what I mean? Help me out of it. And now like I'm kind of talking to women right now, but I'm just comedy work cats dog. I'm fuck. You're a catch man. You're handsome. Young man. Thank you. You have a swagger to you. You're covered in Robin Williams' ass care. You're a steel worker. You know? Sir. You're funny. Go get some of that sweet tale the kids are talking about. Yes, sir. I will. Mike's been plowing through it. I mean, you can't hand some guy too. He leaves the hat on. Wow. Good. See, she really damaged you this Canadian catfish. Yeah, she was hot. How long ago was this? Seven, eight months ago. Have you been on dates since then? Yeah, two catfishes. One. It's an internet term for being lied to about who's coming. Yeah. They know that pretty sure it's one of the big girls from Corpus Christi over there. It's one loud table of tortoises over there. If we could quiet them down, they're still chiming in. This is the big city to them. Corpus Christi people. So they're having a real hoot nanny tonight. I'm sure they had margaritas at the iron cactus before this. And we're going to look right now. What? That's getting her own questions. So give us an example of one of these recent catfishes. You're on like an online dating site. And what happens exactly? Look, it's all I think about. It's like, did you hear me? He was talking to me. See, I can't believe I'm going to be on a date. I'm going to be on a date. I'm going to be on a date. I'm going to be on a date. I'm going to be on a date. I'm going to be on a date. I'm going to be on a date. See, I'm going to be on a date. See, I'm going to be on a date. Yeah. You're an asshole. What are you talking to, Aaron? What's that? Sorry. No, you're back. You're back. Yeah. We love it. Do you want to have sex with any of these ladies over there? Oh. I wasn't talking to you. She's it. I'm going to have to drum off for some pussy. So it was like just a girl with a filter and she ended up being big. Always 80 pounds plus. How old are these fucking pigs? Are you going to their house? Are you meeting them for coffee? Where are you realizing that you got catfished? Yeah, Bar. I've actually started to think now to where I wait in my car and be like, fuck. You're just watching them enter like a fucking Italian mobster. We're ready to do a hit. I'll never leave the canole. One time I showed up relatively early. I told the balancer I was like, hey man, if you see this chick, you know, like thumbs up, thumbs down with the ID. And he's like, I got you. She was already inside. I was like, shit. All right. So I walk inside. She's holding food. Oh my god. Oh my god. The problem continues. So I'm debating. Do I just leave? What the fuck do I do? So I go to the bathroom, call my homie. I'm like, what would you do? And he's like, I don't have the balls to leave. But if you do, that's wild. And I was like, bet. So I like walk out the other way trying to hit the door. And like as soon as I get here, she's like, hey, fuck. Oh man. So I'm sitting down, chitchat, and whether trying to be polite. And then a spam call calls me. And I'm like, oh, hey, mom, gotta go. And I fucking bill. Wow. You used a phone call from your mom to get out. And you're like, what are you looking for anything? When you said it was a spam call that she say, aww. Because spam is a greasy food. Yeah. SamTalent.com. You're like a son-in-law. Seriously though, dude, I worry for much. You are a father's nightmare. Thanks, sir. Dad of getting married. All right. This is my fucking nightmare, dude. I don't know. She's a candidate. Mac. Wait outside the pub. You got 11, dad. There was this one time I went on a date. Oh, I love this. Yeah, it was Fern's catfish adventures. Oh, they're so fucking minute. Where was that? The story. Her last name wasn't Brewer. Was it? No. Okay. All right. I'm gonna get that one. I show up. She's like the dimensions of a toilet paper roll. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's bad. She's celebrating her birthday with her friends downtown. And by the way, I was like, fuck it. One of her friends goes, you were on Killtony. Ah. And I go, yes, I was. And she gets up and sits next to me. And then the catfish had to watch me date her friend. For how long? Just the night. Uh, yes, yes. You watched all night. And then we started hooking up a little bit. That was fun. And then that was the relationship before the Canadian. Look at that Killtony, changing people's lives. Amazing. Thank you. Thank you. You already have a big joke, Buck? Yes, sir. Well, there you go. There you go. Fern, everybody. Thank you, John. Fern. One named Fern. There goes Fern, everyone. Thank you, Fern. Sam, you don't have to do that. All right. Okay. Your next bucket bowl. We know this guy. We've known him for a long time. Mixed with noise to the great Hank Garza. Everybody with a new minute in Hank. Big Hank. Big Hank. Big Hank. Guys, believe it or not, I was actually born prematurely. My dad came quick. It's crazy. The other day, I was out in public with my dog and it took a shit. And I didn't have a bag. And I did that move. You know what I was like, man, is this what white guilt feels like? Having to make excuses for animals? All right. You're going to love this next one. I've been really working on this impression. Here, I'm going to hit you with it. Oh, yeah, boss. They look like a skinny Mexican. And they talk like, oh, oh, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Yo, that's the Japanese scene, the Navajo code talkers, for the first time. Little history for your ass. Before I was a dad, I was a drug addict. And I thought I was going to be a terrible father. So I found dad that being a drug addict, being a dad, is that the same fucking life? I ended it that because it's pretty deep. But yeah, that's been my time. Thank you so much. Okay, Hank, what are the things that it has in common? What's that? Well, for one dog, you're always broke. Right. Crazy. But I'm not spending money on eight balls of hotel rooms. Now it's like diapers or strawberries. It's crazy. See, I used to have to test all my shit for fentanyl because that's how crazy you got. And when I would see that line, I was like, damn. I got to sell this to somebody else. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Hank. Now it's my kid's diapers, bro. It's like it has a blue line. And it's either pissed or shit. You don't know which one it is. And I'm like, fuck. I wish it was fentanyl. Oh, yeah. What's up, Tony? Hi, buddy. I love it. You shouldn't have done that, man. Instead, that was a good man. No, I should have. My bad, my bad. That's all right. Rock solid. Rock solid. Thank you, sir. Your best performance, I think ever. Thank you. Since you started stand-up, we were all there when you started. A few years ago, how's it been going? It's been going great. It's been going great. Just chasing this shit. I'm a loser, so I can't do anything else. So I like, I cannot fill it this. So I'm just showing up. And even if I, I'm just showing up, Thug, and just learning from you guys. And just trying to get better. That's it, dude. I love it. I love it. You seem happy. Kids are good. Kids are great. Yeah. Yeah, kids are great. They're dads. Present now. I'm not all fucked in the head. And like, just, yeah, man, it's crazy. I love it. How did you, what do you, uh, how did, what helped you quit drugs? I got addicted to stand-up. Okay. Straighter. I got addicted to chasing that high of just watching these fucking strangers just look at me. What drugs were you doing? Pro at the end it was everything. Oh, it was like, at the end it was a lot of opiates. Okay. Yeah, but if I had to, I love Coke. All right. I love Coke. Wow. Wow. Yeah, both those things are a lot more fun than stand-up. I know. I know. But it's terrible on your health. Well, I mean, so stand-up. Look at me. I guess I, I guess. I'm 23. I know. I lost 100 pounds. No one believes me. Yeah. I've lost weight too. And I hate when people always try to find a cop out for whenever you lose weight. They're like, hey, was he your thyroid? The fucking thighs rub. They didn't roared. I feel like Byron. Now, what other things are that weight loss are funny? All right, Sam. Stick it over here. Okay. Keep it around here. You married, too? Yes, sir. 13 years. Solid wife. So your chick was there when you were nuts. Nuts. Nuts. Great. Wow. Yeah. Stuck it to it all. All right. That's a down-ass straight-dew-a-ditchie. Hell, yeah, she ain't no Tina-cochina. No. Oh, that's cool. Big hang with the call back. Crank that deep, deep, left center, and it's a home run. Oh, yeah, that's cool. Got it. Hang, what else is going on in life, anything else, crazy? Yeah, man. huge shout out to the riot Riverwalk. They made me a door guy there. They took a chance on me. So if you're ever in San Antonio, the riot Riverwalk come down. We have solid comedians out of San Antonio. Trust me. Beautiful. But they took a chance on me and I can't think of enough. I love it. Well, great performance. Here's a big joke book. Bingbong, the great. Hangars, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along here. Yee-hoo! This podcast is sponsored by Tacobas. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with Tacobas. Tacobas crafts Western boots for everyone. From generational ranchers and lifelong cowboys to first-time boot buyers. Start the year off right with a new pair of Tacobas Western boots because wintertime is prime boot season. 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That's 10% off at t-e-c-o-v-a-s.com slash Keltoni Tacobas.com slash Keltoni. See site for details. Tacobas, point your toes west. Hello everybody, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Choo. Guys, when it comes to performance, good enough isn't exactly good enough. That's why Blue Choo just raised the bar. Introducing Blue Choo Gold, the revolutionary four and one upgrade that targets both your brain and your body. While most blue pills only focus on blood flow, Blue Choo Gold goes further. It combines two proven ingredients for circulation plus a apomorphine and oxytose into enhance arousal desiring connection from the inside out. It's not just about function anymore. It's about total performance. Blue Choo Gold dissolves right under your tongue and starts working in as little as 15 minutes as the future of performance, faster, smarter and precision engineered. Four results, get yours. Started today at bluechoo.com. Brrr, a band. Tony, hi, love Blue Choo. I think they're providing the best ED treatment out there. Blue Choo's turning bedroom performance into an Olympic sport. So go for the gold. That's right. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at bluechoo.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Blue Choo Gold with Code Tony. That's promo code Tony. Visit bluechoo.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Choo for sponsoring the podcast. On to the next one we go. Make some noise for your next fucking poll ladies and gentlemen. It's Dave Litz. Dave Litz, everybody. Here he is. Hey everybody. Waco, Waco, Waco. Nanu, Nanu. My mother-in-law survived stage four pancreatic cancer by having her pancreas cut out. Blip. That's right. Yeah. My mother-in-law was born in Sendai, Japan. And in Japan, they don't have the same diseases that we do. They don't have the same health problems. They don't have pancreatic cancer. So they gave her two choices. They were like, you can either live and we, oh, cut out to your pancreas. Or you keep your pancreas in and you die. So she was like, I want to leave. So they cut out our pancreas. So she now has a permanent insulin pump and type three diabetes, which I like to call triabetes. But so in one woman, my mother-in-law, the Japanese cured pancreatic cancer, they invented a cyborg and they perfected triabetes. So you know why Japanese can't keep a secret? Because they're always spilling their guts. You see that? All right, Dave Lenn. I'll be there. OK, welcome to dying parent night here on Killtony. This is very, very, everyone's very dark tonight. Everyone's, every parent is getting de-mandness. He pissed every two seconds. He's, he's starting crack, baby. He's going, yeah. Yeah. Have to set up your roll back. Yeah. De-mandness can tell when someone's bombing. He doesn't need to see it. You can hear Dave welcome. So I really don't get it. Your mom's Japanese or she lived in Japan? I said she was my mother-in-law, Tony. Oh, your mother-in-law. How dare you, Tony? Hard to keep track of. My mom's Tallahassee Lassie. So she's a seminal. Right. OK. I didn't know they had gay Nazis. This is incredible. I thought all of them. He's your gay. I think Nott's fascism is gay to altogether. Hell yeah. Is that a, you have a gem attached to your cheek? A dermal anchor, yeah. A friend of mine invented it. It's called a dermal anchor. A dermal anchor. It's an anchor and you're sinking. Every time. Yeah, my dad was in the Navy. So I'm used to it. Hell yeah. What do you do for work, Dave Litz? I just got a job at Peterries. I literally have one of the greatest jobs on the planet. So Peterries is 100% here in Austin. And it's 100% beef. It's one of the greatest jobs I've ever had. Ha. Make sure you get that in when you get out there. Forget it if it jokes on. Oh no. I started talking to my manager. I would like to do a Monday where we actually feed all the comics. There's like 300 comics. Most of them are homeless people. They would love to have some hamburgers. I think it'd be a real good night. But see, you just work a normal Peterries. You're not the manager or anything? Nah, man. My wife's the number one recording artist from the Gold Coast of Australia. OK. My wife's name's Mia Muse. What's she play? Did you redo? Every day. Yeah, with her hoo ha. Is that funny? Mia Muse. M-I-A-M-U-Z-E. Go to the foreign media folder right there. Yeah, they say Z in Australia. It's a wife and another. I actually got to be locked down in Australia during COVID. And then when they finally let me leave, they kicked me out for three years. It was great. What do you mean they kicked you out for three? Because I overstayed my visa. Because I was there on a vacation visa because they shut down the airport. When I was leaving the country legally to come home, they said I could not return for three years because I overstayed my visa during COVID. Wow. You made people fight each other. In the back of the room. People are so forth. This is awesome. People, I don't make anyone fight here. They just do that. That happens when you step in homeless. So Mia Muse is the breadwinner. And you are the hamburger winner. 100%. And what does she think about you working at a fast food joint? She's in Australia right now. She doesn't have to worry about what I do. OK. In Brisbane right now, she's performing. She does a lot of radio gigs, stuff like that. She is. She is part said too. I don't know. No, I'm here. I moved here. I live on Ben White and Bannister. I've been... Wow. A direct cross street, ladies and gentlemen. If anybody's looking to hire Dave Litz, just take a megaphone too. Lock downtown every day and do open mics every day. Sometimes five to seven a day. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 30 years. 30 years? Is that what you just said? Hold on. Stop. Stop the piano. Stop. Is it? Dave over here. Do not talk to them. Dave over here. Dave. Dave. Dave. That's amazing. Shut the fuck up and look at me. 30 years, Tony. I did it in high school. I actually got suspended from school for doing a joke. OK. Stick with me, Dave. Over here. I need you to focus. So have you been performing at that rate, that hard for that long? You've been working hard at this for over 30 years? I got here from St. Louis, where I was performing at the funny bone. I just got in with the improv group at the... What were you doing at the funny bone? Featuring for somebody? I was trying. What do you mean trying? You have to show them the duoden mics. So you did open mics at the funny bone. OK. At the funny bone, I'd be... What's the biggest gig that you've done in the 30-plus years? Cruise lines. Not really big. How long were the sets that you were doing on cruise lines? Well, an hour long. I bet people were taping anchors to themselves on those cruise lines. Jumping off. Oh, man. Yeah, they have... They have the media song Cruise line. LAUGHTER You were my favorite cruise line. I can't believe I'm this close. Yeah, here's a best. That's right. You guys have been doing stand-up of the same life as I am. You probably didn't open mics with them 40 years ago. I've never done one with you, though, Tony. OK. Oh. You'd be careful. I might bite that gem right off your cheek. Keep flirting with me. I did get that close. You're not Joe Rogan, bro. I don't know what that means. Anyway, so do you have ninja skills? Joe Rogan has, like, OK. All right, Dave, you're retarded. Stick with me here. How long have you been? Dave. Stop just yapping. Listen, focus on the B present, Dave. You're rambling over there. How long have you been married to this lady? 12 years. And you got married in Australia? Where'd you meet her? Colorado Springs. At a show, were you at one of her shows? I was shooting laser beams on top of a nightclub, and she was performing. Oh, she's not real. Yes. She's really a famous musician. She also a student of beekeeping and medication. Yeah, she does. She actually has, she studied beekeeping at a Buddhist temple. And she has her own bee hive. She actually, what, find her Tinder? Well, I'm not going to be keeping you here any longer. How about that? Where's the? Here's the little joke book. There you go, buddy. Bingbong. There you go. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Bingbong. Oh, my God. What a freak, man. Unbelievable. What the hell? I mean, where that was going? I don't know what that was. I'm like, what's the biggest gig you've done in the year 30 plus long year career? He's like, I did the funny bonus. And I'm like, what'd you do? He's like an open mic. Yeah. And you could do that that night. And you could do that that day and do an open mic at a funny bone that night. Nothing for me. Big gig. Three decades plus of attempting stand-up comedy, the biggest thing he's done is something that fucking Tina Kachina could do. Some believable. Woo. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Who knows this guy could be doing it for the last 90 years. Yeah, he's a vampire. Make some noise for Trevor Lewis, everybody. Here we go. Here we go. You're now gone. You're now gone. You're now gone. You're now gone. In my experience, black people, listen. Are less uptight about race than white people are. You feel how tensed the white people are? I used to drive door-dash in a ski town and let's be honest. Not a lot of black people ski. So I was driving door-dash. This is a true story. And I pulled into a busy parking lot at the base of the ski village to drop off an order. And I called up my guy. I said, hey, I got your food. I'm pulling up. I'm in a silver Nissan Rogue. And he said, all right, I'm black. I found him. I was surprised he said that. But he was being helpful. Actually, he was more helpful than I was because there were more silver Nissan Rogue and black people in that parking lot. Wow. You must have been to and stand up 500 years. This is incredible. Written material, smart, topical, well-executed, edgy, but not sad as fuck. Not a single dying family member or cancer reference or depression or pandemic or white guilt. None of these things. You don't have a dipshit haircut? Yeah. No gems hanging off of your face. Yeah. Your bones aren't pierced. Yeah. What the hell? Shocking. What a relief. Welcome Trevor. Thank you. How long you been to in stand up? One year. What? Oh my god. Oh my god. Let's clone him and make 30 of him and kill Dave Litz. I think Dave's going to do it himself. He's been doing it 30 years until tonight. Good night. Good. Yeah. Good work, quirky man. That was good. Thank you. How old are you? I'm 26. Amazing Trevor. Wow. You've been doing it one year. What made you want to start stand up a year ago? Okay. Well, honestly, I moved here. After college, I wanted to be an independent filmmaker. And I was grinding away right in screenplays, faced writer's block, but I was going to show it around here, show it at the mother's ship. And I was like, I can get up there. I can do that. Hell yeah. Yeah. Amazing. And you've been working hard at it? Oh yeah, really hard. You love it. I love stand up. You're addicted to it now and filmmaking is kind of... Oh, it's gone. Right. Incredible. How are you making money to survive in the meantime? I wait tables. Nice. Absolutely. Do one what you got to do. Yes, sir. Is the great... Not a discreading. Anyway, it doesn't matter. cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering cheering Yeah, all right. Trapper, what's your love life like? To be determined right now? OK. Never had sex? I have had sex. All right. That was a good question. I didn't want to ask it. I didn't want to be disrespectful. No. Could be my son. I could say it. You've been on the road a long time. Long time, bro. I loved this. You have a regular girl that you hang out with. And that a girl at my restaurant she came into eat. Oh, yeah. We hung out a couple times. You were shooting lasers at her, something like that? LAUGHTER Keep going. Yeah, she came in to eat with her parents. And she had just moved here, bought a house. Ooh. I was asking all these questions about Austin. And I became like the guy who answers the questions. Look at you. And then what happened? And then we exchanged contact information. And I was like, I think you're cute. You want to go out. Then we went to a show at the Creek in the Cave. Ooh. And then hung out a couple times since. She's been in Thailand for three weeks. Ah. Getting the surgery. Ooh, that's hot. LAUGHTER Oh, yeah. Indeed. Oh, yeah. It's a special girl. That's good. She really likes me. Yeah, and you met her parents already. Yeah. That's cool. Incredible. You're never going to see her again. It's possible. You don't need her now. You were funny here for a minute. You're great. You have any hobbies, any things that you're into? Like, Pokemon or something? Minecraft. I like to read. Oh, yeah. Of course he does. Wow. Yeah. Reading a book by Frederick Jamison right now on postmodernism. It's pretty cool. Yeah, very bit. No. This is who I want, Marion, a daughter. Yeah. This is the dream. Yeah. He's always happy. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. And I'm going to do it. And everything's great. I'm going to do it. How long do I... One year. One year. And he knows his crush, and I love this guy. Yeah. Set her up. Yeah. If I had a daughter, I'd also wanted to marry a gay virgin. So... Yeah. That would be optimal, sir, yes. Yeah, if he walked through the door just like that, like, oh, we're grown. I'm going to go. You don't even have a penis. Welcome here. No, you do, right? Other than reading, Dave. Other than... I mean Trevor. Other than reading. What else are you doing? When you let your hair down, when you want to get a little wild, what is a guy like Trevor Luba's do? Yeah, so I've always been an athlete, so I mean, I grew up playing football. I was really competitive. Wow, where did you grow up, exactly? In Virginia outside of DC. Wow. Incredible. And you're a football player. I was a football player. Was it a town of little people or something? Was it like Munchkinland? I believed in myself a lot. Wow. What position did you belong? I was a quarterback. Wow. Look at you. Oh. Absolutely incredible. Oh, my God. He said the passing record at Middle Earth High. Stand up next to me. How tall are you? Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh. Middle-Light Ladies and Gentlemen. Yeah. I'm one of the big ones. Look at that. Every great quarterback needs an offensive line, men next to him. I got your blind side, buddy. Absolutely. I don't know how comfortable I'd feel, honestly. No one asked. Welcome to Show Business, kid. Oh, yeah. Incredible. So did you have a lot of black players on the team? There were a lot of black players. And you would throw the ball to them because they're good at running in-catch and correct? Yeah. Yeah. Did they, was there a backup quarterback? I was the backup. Oh. Wow. I'm so big. Did not see that coming. Oh. Oh. Oh. What? If you had to describe what the starting quarterback looked like, how would you describe him? Caleb Williams. OK. Can you use some more? Like his name was Caleb Williams. It was Caleb Williams. The actual Caleb Williams was the starting quarterback. The quarterback of the Chicago Bears. The quarterback of the Chicago Bears. Was the quarterback ahead of you? Now, he was a freshman. Right. But he started over you. I put the team. Oh, wow. Incredible. Boy, oh boy. One moment, he's a super athlete from Virginia. The next you realize, fucking nothing. Absolutely nothing. You have the same sports history as Dave Litz and his face gem. Wow. Are you still friends with Caleb Williams? I was never friends with Caleb. You think? Great guy though. Great guy though. Bad rap. Bad rap in what way? Do you see Twitter? No. Tell us about it. We're not looking. We're not searching. We're not searching our high school bullies on Twitter. So, it's got to be. Or our crushes. OK. So now you get your revenge. No, no. Being totally straightforward, he is such a great guy. Man, really high character. But people on Twitter give him a hard time for the pain and nails, and I think that's unfair. Well, pain and nails ain't nothing when your girls in Thailand for three weeks, buddy. LAUGHTER Uh, Trevor, very, very, very great set, very, great interview. Your presence, you're aware, you're funny. Keep it up. Nothing can stop a Trevor Lewis ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. That's how it's done. He wrote, he took his time, he performed, he executed. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Zipper Cruder. You know, you may need people to help you achieve your goals in 2026. If you want to eat healthier, if you need a dietitian, if you want to stick to a workout, it's hard to find people who are good at what they do. It's like if you're hiring, how can you find the best people for all the different roles on your team? Easy. Zipper Cruder. And right now you can try Zipper Cruder for free at zippercuder.com slash killtony. Right, man? Tony, I love Zipper Cruder. It's so easy to find the best talent for your business. Zipper Cruder's matching technology works fast to find the top talent. So you don't waste time or money. You could find out right away how many job seekers are in your area and are qualified for your role. No wonder Zipper Cruder's number one rated hiring site based on G2. Let Zipper Cruder help you find the best people for all your roles. Four out of five employers who post on Zipper Cruder get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself. Just go to this exclusive web address right now to try Zipper Cruder for free. zippercruder.com slash killtony. Get in that zippercuder.com slash killtony. Zipper Cruder. The smartest way to hire. And here we go with one of our regulars, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time. You know him. You love him. He's known as the dark storm of Atlanta. Makes the noise for dead, direct flame. Everybody. Oh my god. It's so good to be back home. I hate flying. I'm scared of it. And that's not an irrational fear. And I'm tired of people bullying. We're not supposed to be up there. We're not supposed to be up there. And if we were supposed to be up there, then why did God invent gravity? God wanted us on this ground, not in the air. If he wanted us in the air, he would have made us angels. But we're not supposed to be up there. We're defined God. All right. We are defined God being up there. And I'm not religious. But when that plane started turpilizing, I believe in God. When the plane got tuberculosis, you'd all, our father who out in heaven, how low of you that name? You know, I can't. I had, Nick what? I took my first private jet, right? And I didn't pay for it. Tony did. It was Tony's plane. I was going open up for Tony. And I can tell you how this fuck little planes are. Fuck little plane. We're not supposed to see the captain. All right. That's what I'm, we're not supposed to see the captain all the time. I was supposed to be in 30F. Nick, I'm not supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be. They're supposed to be room in between. Because I'm not supposed to hear what they hear or see, what they see. Lie to me over the intercom. All right. That's, I turned around. And I looked and I saw the map that they saw with the plane going and the map was red. And we can agree that red mean bad. Red mean bad. And I know red mean bad because the pilot came and he leaned over to us. He was like, hey guys, we're going to get into some turbulent weather. It's going to be really increment. Which if people say that, we're going to die. You know what I'm saying? When you start using big words, somebody about to die. And he was like, put you make sure you guys are buckled up. That's if I ever took off my seatbelt. And he was like, y'all, we're going to be fine. And but the whole time he was talking, I didn't say nothing because I was scared and I was crying. But I really wanted to say, nigga, get back up there. All right. Why are you back here? This plane take two people. I turned around the pilot doing this with both of them. Well, thank you all so much, then. Wow. Wow. That's the difference between bucket pulls, golden ticket winners, and Killtony Regulars. I mean, it was great. Absolutely incredible. You keep that pace the whole time when you do like an hour. Are you just banging like that? Absolutely. Damn, dude, that's great. That's really funny. You look like both members have run the jewels combined. Yeah. This debt flash, shit. That's dead. I don't know what that's mean, but I love you so much. I love you, man. No, that was great, dude. I wasn't sure where he was going. I was a little worried for a second. And then all of a sudden, you're like, bam, bam. I was on the ride with you, brother. That's what I was saying. I'm listening. I was the horse. Not supposed to see the captain just absolutely hilarious. It is strange. You don't really get used to it. No, that's not what you told me when I was crying. You said, no, you took this nigga Tony is a liar. This nigga Tony is a liar. He gonna look me dead in my face as I'm panicking. And he was like, dead dick, this happens every flight. There is always turbulence. He'll get used to it, it's a jet, right? He's telling me that, but Ari Maddie is sitting behind that nigga. Eyes like this gripping his... He will hear more of the time. They don't happen every time. He's scared, too. Like this with me. And Ari's seen some shit. Yeah, yeah. He was going to... Because the son of Mad was on the plane. Oh, no. Right? Yeah. And then he gonna tell me he's like, you're panicking for no reason. I said, no, nigga, you're not panicking enough. Because this plane goes down. We're blaming you. All right, we're blaming you. People be like a son of Mad. Hey, planes. Oh my god. It's a little tricky. It's a little tricky. You can feel the turbulence on a smaller plane a little bit better than a big one. Yeah. Better. But it's all... Turbulence is bad, though. But you're not supposed to feel it like that, like in a little plane, on a big plane. Yeah, but you're safe as fuck. Oh, it's so scary. I don't trust you, Ray Maddie. Yeah, there's... On the jet, would you? Great input by Red Band. You're repeating everything we just said. Amazing stuff. You all say that just because you all land it safely, but y'all know at that time, we... Because I looked at you looking at me, looking at everybody else. We thought we was gonna die. Because we weren't even going nowhere real. We was going to Lincoln, California. And they'd have never heard of Lincoln, California, damn my life. But there's a sense of peace when you think that you're gonna die. No. Oh. You been popping. I just thought. I thought you'd die right now. You been... Inward. And looking at what money you're gonna tell me how much it feels right now. Well, there, I was on a private plane with Tim Dylan one time in Europe and we thought we were gonna die. And I just kept thinking about the headline the next day, Tim Dylan, in Fat prostitute, dead in place. Yeah. Like, my name wouldn't make the headline in that instant. It would have been Tony Hinchcliff and, you know, three-door guys, dad. That's what they would have done to your memory. They couldn't even amore me, man. Yeah. Because Red, man, once I was talking to you, did somebody die on the flight back from you? Yeah, yeah. I had to fly next to a dead person next to me, though, for six hours. That was fucking horrible. Yeah, he was on a flight back from London and a guy next to him died. No. Dude. Yeah. And they tried to do the CPR for like 30 minutes and then they had to check it. I've been sitting next to this guy every Monday for 13 years. Like I couldn't handle 10 fucking hours. Fuckin' fuck. Fuckin' fuck. Yeah. Fuck. You guys have any idea how fucking hard this job is? Other people are literally, instead of watching an in-flight movie, they're like, I'm fucking. Yeah. It's the first suicide in the history of first class. Yeah. Three, two, three. See? This fucking guy. Yeah. So glad to be out in my house tonight. You don't know what the fuck I have it. Dedger, what else is going on? You just made your Netflix debut? You said it! We have the still in the top 10 on Netflix right now. I think we're top two, right? Am I correct? Top two? Something. It doesn't matter. It flip flops. These women at home have a thorough watching, watching a bunch of bitch shit ahead of us. A bunch of woman shows. These moms are all at home with nothing to do. It's fucking... Anyway. Yeah, that was crazy. 15,000 people was insane. I didn't even know that I had that many fans. Honestly, but when they called my name, y'all gave me a standing ovation. And that's why this is my new hometown. I'm renouncing Atlanta, Georgia. Yeah. The dark storm of all syntaxes. Let's go. Dedrick, you did it again. You are unbelievable. There he goes. The future has arrived. Dedrick, motherfucking flint. And back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. You know what it is. The lovely, tidy everybody. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Mike Holder, everybody. Mike Holder. Here we go. Thank you, thank you very much. I've got an embarrassing confession to make. I've recently learned that spilling the beans does not mean fumbling a hot Latina. I don't understand these phrases. I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. I just moved here five years ago. And as you can imagine, I've been misgendering people left and right. It was so fucked up. Until I learn, I never have to worry about misgendering. If I just call everybody in my nigger. That's the whole lot easier for me. Also learned that in America, we don't trust the government. I mean, what kind of government shuts down? And then the Air Force said the freezing area 51 program. Or was I like to call it? Putting the aliens on ice. Has to be the only country in the world where kids have imaginary friends. But how come it's always one imaginary friend? To me, that shows that even in their imaginations, they're still fucking losers. Fucked up. Thank you very much. Wow, my holder with a great set. Thank you. Amazing. You've been on the show once before? Once before. Heck yeah. Yeah, I remember you. Yeah. I remember you. Because you blend in with the back wall behind you. One of the rare comedians that blend in with the black brick of the mothership. Welcome back, Mike. I mean, night and night difference between this last set that you had tonight and the other one, right? Yeah, I was fucking crushed right now. Thank you very much. Amazing set. How's life been going for you? Remind us how long you've been on stand up? Coming up on four years. Four years. All of it here in America? Yeah, three years in Arizona. You've been here for one year. Yes. And what do you do for work? What exactly? I used to work in sales. No, I'm just trading stocks. Trading stocks. Look at you. What are the hot stocks right now? Give us some tips. Oh. Beyond meat. Beyond meat. Beyond meat. Beyond meat. Beyond meat. Beyond meat. That's the... What do you mean? Tell us what you mean. Beyond meat is taking off. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not going to give anybody financial advice. I'm sorry about that, but. Why? I can't. Do you have any insider training you can give us? No. Or just some money? I take some money. That'd be cool. No. I'm not there yet. I'm just starting. Okay. Okay. Where are you from? Sudan. Sudan. Wow. That's as much as I knew as well, too. Yeah. You got a lot of questions. Yeah. No, no, no. You don't see a lot of people from Sudan every day. Once the last time, you said, Hey, we from Sudan. Whenever I'm in Minneapolis. That's so much. You know, I try. Not so far off. Not so far off. Not so far off. Sudanese? Look at these, right? Tomato, tomato. I love it. What are the Sudanese known for? What's generosity? Really? Wow. In what way? Wow. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Wow. In what way? Can you give us an example of Sudanese? All the talent in generosity, they were taken almost anybody. They were taken anybody, unlike America. Is that true or are you? No, no, no, I'm being honest. Really honest. Ask anybody. Okay, what else are they known for? Generosity is exactly what I was expecting. Give me another Sudanese stereotype. Stereotype? You're from there. Remember, this is your country. Yeah. Okay, gossip. Gossip? Yeah, that's terrible. Yeah, that's terrible. Terrible. Terrible. A gossip and backbiting. That we're known for. Backbiting? What does that mean? Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band, as in the long mix is last song. Yes, he doesn't have much in his repertoire. But it works every goddamn time. I love how he crow-barded in. And he set himself up. Yeah. Did your family back home? No, they're all left. Great stuff. Yeah, they all left. It's a war-torn country. It's messed up. Everyone leaves as soon as they can. How did you avoid war there? I got a free green card. How did you get a free green card? Diversity views a lot of me. Thank you very much. Wow. Wow. What year was that? Early 2020. I came in one day before Trump issued a travel ban. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. Right. One day. Yeah. Well, that's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it is you got that green card during the Trump administration. Yes. There you go. Thank you, too. You're welcome, Mr. President. You're welcome. Thank you. Thank you. This guy mentions the travel ban. Doesn't mention that he gets to go to the greatest country on planet Earth. Very thankful. Very thankful. It's a great job. Absolutely. Becoming a citizen soon, hopefully. Let's give some credit where it's due. I thought you guys were known for your generosity. Yeah. My goodness. Gracious. Yeah. So what's the biggest culture shock for you coming to America? What surprised you about America? Dating. Dating. Pretty weird. Tell us about it. Yeah, because this country is huge, very diverse. Like, just last week, I went out with this real skinnager. I wasn't sure whether or not she was bulimic. So I took her to In and Out. I had to let her make the decision. Turned out she's normal. She's not bulimic, but she's so fucking stupid. I'm sorry. How does that... Oh, tell us how you know she's stupid. Yeah, how do you know? She's a history major. And she asked me if BC means before COVID. Oh my god. She asked me if bipolar disorder means stripping a two different clubs. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. Too stupid for me. Incredible. That would kill in Sudan. No, we don't have bulimia in Sudan, no. They don't call it bulimia. They just call it being alive. It's very hard, difficult. War torn. What's your favorite type of woman? All the diverse choices you have here, whereas in Sudan, I'm pretty sure there was just one thing on the menu there. Yeah, one thing on the menu. That is woman and not too bad, you know. You know what's great about them? They don't show bruises. Oh. Oh, yeah. So now that you're in America, what's your pick? Have you tried any of the latinas, the whites? What are we going with nowadays? Tall whites. Tall whites. So all women, white women. Yeah. South Africans. I don't mind them either, yeah. Yeah. They're tall whites. What there's other types of tall whites here in America, Sam? I'm just saying worldwide, you know. Germans. Germans are tall chicks. Nordics. Strong boys. Who's tight suits and flaggles those like the ladies' flaggles? Have you been with a German woman before? No. Now? What do you want to? I think you might enjoy yourself. What do you say to that? I mean, it's different. I'm just saying. Okay. We'll try it. You're taking a worker now, try it. I'm just saying. You haven't seen anything like plus-sized women? No, not for me. We got a bad back. It's not your thing, huh? How bad back, I can't. So, see, that's a Sudanese stereotype. It is. That's an interesting thing. They do like big women there, so. Oh, they do like big women there. Okay, so maybe it's not a stereotype. Your family is all gone, but where are they in America? In Europe. All of them in Europe. Okay. And they're happy. Oh, yeah. Are they proud of you? I'm amazed. My mother is very proud of me. Amazing. Incredible, Mike. I love your story. I love to see you fucking absolutely. I love it. Totally great set here tonight. Thank you guys very much. Did you get a big joke for glass time? Small one. You got a small one? Well, guess what, buddy? This is where the hard work gets you. A big joke book. All right. For having fun. Yeah. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Jay Moody, everybody. Here we go. Guys, I've been a... Been micro-dose in a lot. It's like a lot. Probably too much. Just a little bit throughout the day. You know, that's how they say micro-dose. I've been micro-dose in cocaine. That's how you do it. If I could afford a macro-dose, I would. I can't. They say, uh, P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube. P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube left. You got to understand. LeBron is tall. That's a lot of baby oil. It just makes me wonder like the Oscars and the Grammys. What are these after parties like? Epstein's dead in P. D's in jail. They got us sucked, dude. Those actors are like, I'm not going. They have to parties. He's only got like a thousand bottles left. This isn't going to be that fun. Okay. Jay Moody. Welcome, Jay. What's up, brother? How long have you been on stand-up? Like nine years. Okay, we're at. Lakeshore Hall is Louisiana most. Mostly through Louisiana. All right. Hey, there they are. You still live there? Yes. Yeah. Nice. So you came here just for this? Yeah, a couple guys have been coming to this. They were like, hey, you got to come. They've been coming a bunch. And this is my first time. So what do you guys do? You like getting a car and then make the drive day of and then go back that night no matter what. Are you guys staying in town? We're staying in town. We got a hotel room. It's pretty much six hours of just dick jokes. And then. Yeah. Do you take a car or do you take a fanboat? How do you get here? A little lake Charles stuff. We took a Toyota Comma to get here. Oh, wow. Yeah, four guys or three guys and then a ton of backpacks for some reason. And then a bunch of fitted hats that none of them wore. I was in the back seat. It sucked. Hey, there you go. Where do you do for work, Jay? About audio engineer. Oh, okay. Yeah, the sound company. All right. And a sound company. Very cool. You married? No. Girlfriend? Yes. How long you been with her? Four years. What does she do? She is a fine dining server. Oh, fine dining server. Charles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just a server. There's like one of them. Yeah. She works there. It's pretty nice. She naggy? No. What's the restaurant, Sizzley? It's a very nice chillies. Thank you. Yeah. We have two for one margaritas. It's a nice establishment. Amazing, Jay. Yeah, we say a grip. Don't eat like every grip at every product. She's like, hey, what's going on? Doing stand-up tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Saying to me, sorry. No, he's got to look. It's got to look. This looks like it could be our second backup corner back of the night. Yeah. It's the jogging pants that really do it. Are those for jogging or? No, I don't fucking jogging dog. I don't think those are jogging pants. Pound. From over there and over here, I was like, oh, I don't know if I'll be able to tell a joke. I'm out of breath. They're not for jogging. No, no. You have any. You have any. What the fuck they're for, honestly? Sleeping, perhaps. They look like pajama pants. They look cozy. They look like pocket keeps his hard-boiled eggs warm. Yeah. J. Do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? No. I play a lot of the bass guitar pretty well, but that's about it. Oh, okay. Well, I wouldn't know where we could find one of those. No, I don't. J, did you ever done anything crazy in your life? You ever like almost die? Oh, yeah, a lot. Yeah. Tell us about that. I just used to, like, eight years of my life. I just did cocaine every day in Louisiana. And that's enough. I've been on, like, just doing bumps, like, hey, stop the airboat. So we can do a lot of cocaine, because it's very hard to do them on airboats. Let's talk about those eight years. So, like, can you take us through a routine of, like, what a day in the life. Lake Charles, Louisiana, doing cocaine. Well, I was also working fine dining. Ah, yeah. If you were my waiter, bro, I would leave. All right. This is like... This is also... It's got to be this point, because it was, like, members only places. And then they would, I walk up, like, a good evening. Was this before or after those guys from True Detective broke up your uncle's sex room? During. But now that eight years is... Well, this is what I do. I just go to work, get cash tips, buy a bunch of cocaine. And then, wake up at home and be like, hold on, I wasn't that bad. No idea how I got there, what I did. There'd be, like, an alligator in my front yard. That's pretty nice. Wow. Louisiana, cocaine. That's... WD-40 mixed with, like, what is that? No, no, no. In most parts of the country, they call it crystal meth. But there... Yeah. What's the long cocaine? Okay. Your girlfriend, does she do cocaine? No, no, no. She's a good person. Yeah. She's a curb-er-a-fancy restaurant. They don't do blow. No, not at all. Right. Amazing. Jay, before I get you out of here, what's the most interesting thing about you? Other than the fact that you did cocaine for yourself. Most interesting. I mean, surviving a meth town in Louisiana is pretty good. And you're still there. You love it there. What keeps you there? I live out of the country. Nobody bothers me. That's pretty much what keeps you. I figured it was a judge. Yeah. It's court ordered. I say there. All right. Okay, Jay. Well, fun times. Yeah. You did it. You got up. There you go. Jay Moody, everybody. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. This guy's been on the show before. He has an unforgettable face. Make some noise for Derek Dimple, everybody. Derek Dimple. Comedy Mother's Ship. Make some noise if you're having a good time. Let me hear you go, woo. Let me hear you go, aw. Tism, I have it. Could you tell? Something that doesn't totally make sense about me being on the spectrum is my favorite kind of adult videos have lots of eye contact. I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, and one of those Renaissance paintings. Oh my lord, is my visit not pleasing to you? Thank you very much. Wow. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. So many comedians we've seen have rough sets before, and then they came here tonight and got so much better. Derek pooling the opposite. Absolutely. Absolutely. Reverting back to a childlike desperation, having the crowd make some noise an hour and a half into a shell. Yeah. Mother's ship, are you with me? Hey, I like your perm. Thank you. Yeah. God did that to him. Oh. God and a few electrical sockets I do believe. And the hand dryer in the bathroom. Your glasses are so Sally Jesse Raphael. I don't know if you know. I don't know if you know. Wow. Crush, crush, totally keep going. Red band. Keep doing it. Keep saying what comes to your head tonight. Red band, you're doing so good. The Sally Jesse Raphael reference was amazing. You fucking idiot. Shut up. God, I wish I was dead on an airplane next to you right now. Jesus fucking Christ. Put the mic down. Focus on the soundboard. Pick your moments. Alright. Derek. Has anything interesting happened since the last time you were on this show? Oh my God. I was in Vegas a month and a half ago and I had sex with three different people on three consecutive days. Wow. I noticed you said people. I'm a mathematician, Tony. I like to keep the terms as general as possible. Okay. So tell us about this run you went on Derek. Oh yeah. It's a legendary heater. Yeah. Just imagine. Imagine of all the regrets that people wake up with in Vegas. Imagine being a woman that wakes up next to the next. Oh my God, Tony. Look, I know I look like the freeze-myster but come on. He's the he-myster. I'm the freeze-myster. No. I'm wrong again. Okay. Tony, how did you get late in Vegas? Exactly. What charm? Uh-huh. Take us through it. Can you give us an example of how you pulled this off? Yeah. Well, I got pulled off but. Yeah. So, well, Tuesday night. There was a lady who was interested in me and I went back to her hotel room at the strat. She was a black lady named Mahogany. Are you serious? Yes, absolutely. Yeah. You hooked up with a black woman? Better believe it, baby. My God. Right when you think it couldn't be any worse for those people. Right when you think life couldn't get any harder as a black woman in today's society. Next thing you know, this is who they have on top of them nowadays. On top to the side. Oh. Oh, hell no. I must have been fucked up last night. What the fuck? Look at like a motherfucking back to the future as motherfuckers. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So tell us about this experience with a black woman. I cannot fucking picture this. At all. This is crazy. It's like a deleted scene from the Nutty Professor. The Nutty Professor. All right. All right. Derek. Derek, stick with us here. Answer the question. So you and a black woman. Was this your first time with a black woman? Yes it was. I bet it fucking was. Yeah. So what made her, where did you meet her? I was doing a show. You were doing a show and she's like, I think you're for refugees? Ah. Do they cheer you a place to stay? Oh, Derek, you are so sexy. Okay. All right. Derek, stop trying to be funny. It's not working out for you tonight. Let's stick with honest answers here. So you met her where at the Roulette table at the... No, no. It was sort of the... Oh, yes. Wait. What was it called? Hola, Habibi. It doesn't matter the name of the place. Oh, it's like a restaurant. There you go. So is that a restaurant? And then what happened? Oh, and then I got her number. Mm-hmm. And then we were texting. And she was like, I'm here. She invited you back to her hotel room. She definitely did. And what time of the night is this exactly? It's the ballparkle work, Derek. Oh, hey, what is this fucking Christ, dude? 1 a.m. 1 a.m. 2 a.m. Okay. And then you go to her place and what's it like? What's going on? She has the room to herself? No. Okay, she has a roommate. There's two twin beds there. Oh, two queens. Okay, two queens. But enough about them. What kind of the... Man, I was... So Latifa and... All right. So there's two queen beds. So there's two black women in the room. Am I correct? No. Okay, there's one black woman and... And Latina. Ooh, a Latina woman. That's right. There you go. All right. And then what happens? Take us moment by moment here, Derek. The world wants to know how the fuck you had sex with a black woman. With ease. Okay, keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we were tired. We were tired. We were kind of getting cozy. And I was also like... Let me ask you this. Are you... Are you standing? Are you in bed with her? Are you like sitting in the weird desk chair? Well, first I took my shoes off. Ooh. Bold maneuver. What the fuck that smell beat? Yo, yo, baby, stand up. All right. You took your shoes off at the door? Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. But they were those weird toe shoes, too, for climbing. Now, they were these shoes. Oh, these are my lucky fucking shoes. Those are prescribed by a doctor. They definitely aren't. Okay, so you take your shoes off and then what happens? Well, we start chatting. Uh-huh. And again, where are you? You're just standing there? She's sitting on a bed. More 14 of the stratosphere. No, again, again, in the room. Yeah, oh. Are you standing there? Is she sitting? I thought the hotels are so awkward, especially with you. Yeah. Standing, talking at first, and then the shoes come off, and then we sit on the bed. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. And you hear a little beep. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And we're talking. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And I ask at one point, is it going to be awkward for your friend? Uh-huh. And she's like, no, bitch, I've been doing cocaine. And I'm like, this is my room. Okay, cool. Yeah. She's like, if she was going to get some, she would have got some. I got you. Okay. Right. So then what happens? Okay, then her friend rolls over and puts the pillow over. Uh-huh. Yeah. Gamer. Uh-huh. Yeah. The old self-made burrito. A Latina woman rolled up in a blanket. A pillow on her head. And then what happens? Uh-huh. And then we start fooling around, and great blow jobs, by the way. Ah, interesting. You say blow jobs. Plural. Oh, oh, because the next night was also a black woman. Whoa! You went black to black. He can't go back. Yeah. I did the night after. Wow. Incredible. A different. So much confidence and swagger. I bet the second lady was very easy to bed. I've really... Let me ask you this. Night one. Condom, no condom. Oh, no condom. Wow. And where exactly did you finish, Derek Dimple? In her mouth. Wow. Very good. Absolutely incredible. So let's go to night two here. Night two. You're just out there. The fucking... You got the fucking jungle boogie playing in the back of your head. It's a song. That's a song. He's got confidence. Yeah. That's... Alright. So night two. The fuck is going on here? Night two. Night two. You're out there. Where do you meet this lady at? I had met her the previous night. Uh-huh. You got her number. Yes. And then you were texting her as well. Yes. And then she invites you where? Where do you end up with her? Oh, well, I hadn't slept too much the night before. I bet. So I'm like, I'm pretty tired. But we can go on a date. Okay. And then... So we went out to this spot. We played some pool. And she was like doing a lot of... And I'm standing there. She's... Alright. She was showing her ass on purpose. Okay. Oh, that was you emulating being sexy. That... Yes. Crazy. Sorry. You couldn't tell? That's my bad. I didn't study mine though. It's laying egg. But she was popping that thing, as we say. Mm-hmm. So night two, you end up back at her hotel? Uh, no. She lived there. She lived in the pool hall. She had a home in Las Vegas. Yeah, down in... So you went to her actual house, a place where it would make sense to take your shoes off at the door? Exactly. Incredible. Yeah. Same thing. Blowjob City or... Wow. Did you have sex with her? Yeah. Wow. And that's amazing. Okay, night three. Tell us about the innocent white woman that got your... Well, the lady from night two and I were at a bar, and she wanted to get a third involved in the situation. And so... We... Uh-huh. And so... Keep going. Keep going. Yeah. And so we... The sun had already gone up. The bar was 24 hours. And so then we drove over to, uh, light twos place, and then we had a threesome. Wow. You had a threesome. This is absolutely incredible. He... This should give every single human hope. No, I think God is dead. This is proof of chaos raining. You had a threesome with how many women, right? Two women. Yes. Two women. Man, going on Netflix. The billionaire's kid. Incredible. You're having threesome? He's done lives in a moment dead. You don't care about the cat. He's the bad boy in the boy god. What was the craziest part of the threesome? Was there a part where you were overwhelmed or amazed? Oh, overwhelmed almost constantly. Tell us a moment in which that took place. Was there something that happened? But the greatest part. Oh, that's what I'm asking about. You could just say it instead of resetting the question. The white chick was riding my face and the black chick was sucking my dick. Wow. Wow. Wow. Derek. It's called the Austin Scooba Mask right there. Incredible, Derek. Well, God. I'm pissed, honestly. Yeah. I've been happily married for 15 years. I can begin so much cool gash if you're out there slanging. Gash. Derek Dimple. Hey, bye. All that hot three days of sex you're leaving here with a little jokebook. Congratulations, Derek. There he goes. Thank you. Amazing, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps one of the ugliest human beings on planet Earth. Just out there just fucking everything that moves. Absolutely incredible. Vegas is struggling. It's just of the face. A face of shock. It's like if Jimmy Neutron could molest himself. Yeah. It's incredible. Sally. All right. Makes the noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It is chic, accommod, everybody. This looks like a new name to me. Oh my goodness. It's chic, accommod. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay, here we go. Good evening. Virgins and gentlemen. I am Sheikh Ahmed. I teach a one-minute workshop to infidels how to treat your virgin. First, bang your knees. Second, you throw the hijab at the virgin. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. And third, you dodge for anything the virgin throws back at you. Hong, hong. I, we have a saying in middest and I for an I. And what are the virgins? They said go to Chick-fil-A. They Chick-fil-A. That's where the virgins are. Well, in middest, we don't have a bring your child to work day. Because it gets so crowded at 7-11. Anyone needs a ride in my Uber's park outside. Thank you very much. I am not here to bomb anyone. The chic accommod. Sheikh Ahmed. Okay, chic accommod. I mean... I mean, you basically... Aren't you a funny lady? No! No, I am Sheikh Ahmed. Aren't you the funny... What's her fucking name? What's your name? What made you want to be a... What made you want to do this? Everything was good, you're a funny lady. You're the first person to become a man and become less funny. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, chic accommod. It's like I died on the drive here. Everything's so surreal about this show. And then you come out in this insane... Great outfit, you know? Very authentic, yeah, great to see this. But just all the effort put in without the jokes, it's insane. Yeah. The look is great. There's a lot of confidence. Yeah, like the confidence. Yeah, so like a bold swing, man. I love the Harlem Globetrotters, you know? Thank you. This is the kicker. Yeah. The chest hair. Okay, I'm not exactly sure how to interview Sheikh Ahmed. You're a tough interview. I'm in Guantanamo Bay right now. Yeah, the wet t-shirts over my face. Yes, very much. And waterboarding joke, ladies and gentlemen. All right. There's a lot of middle Eastern viewers now, and I want to make sure the jokes translate. What made you want to experiment with this character, Sheikh? I am being Sheikh Ahmed O'Royan being Sheikh. Well, I think Sherry should step in here for a second. I think we should talk to Sherry. Very funny. Well, I write jokes about middle Eastern men and middle Eastern women and whatnot, so I thought, let me give those lines. It's funny hearing you talk like a woman like that. I should have just done that voice. This is actually much funnier. Right. So you're just experimenting having fun. Yes, yes. I love that. Have you done this other places like open mics and stuff like that? I just did this at Banana Phone last night. Okay. How to go there? Okay. Yeah. But it never goes okay over there. Like nothing ever. The minute is not there for, you know, the laughs. It's just there. There. Okay. Yeah. Exactly. It's a Kiltoni ripoff show. Did you change between gigs? Well, I took this off. I went to sleep, took a shower, and then put these back on. You look great. You're looking. Thank you. Very convincing, and I'm less than a foot away. It's like being in deer born. And you're really Iranian? Yeah. And this is your take on Saudi-Rabian man. Yeah. Okay. Did you already have this outfit or did you buy it? Or? I bought it. Yeah. For my own hair. I just didn't wax for a few weeks. Hey, Riyadh between the lines, Red Man. I like Sherry. I miss Sherry. Okay. Here's a little joke book for Sheik, though. Thank you. All right. There goes Sheik. Oh, there's Sherry. Sheik, Awkman ladies and gentlemen. All right. This shows crazy. Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen. Bye, Sherry. You looked at me like, what do we do? I was like, it's your show, bro. You got this. I don't know. I was really confused. Yeah. I'm confused. I don't want to touch it. She's a funny lady. She's a funny lady. Yeah. But whatever that was, I mean, hey, what are you going to do? Well, you know, sometimes spectacle is rewarded. She took a big swing on a big platform. Help. Big swing. Yeah. She comes back. Big swing. You're final fucking pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name of Anthony Walton, everybody. Here we go. Anthony Walton. It's a real show. Anything can happen. Howdy. Howdy, howdy, howdy. I just moved out of my parents' house for the third time in my life. It's great because I had to go outside every time I wanted a master bait. Let me tell you something. Jerking off in a car really sucks. Especially when you don't own one. Whole lot of door jangling, you know, it's a whole new meaning to car jacking. Are you all familiar with Clifford? Yeah, hell yeah. We got some readers here in the mothership. It's a good thing he was neutered, right? Can you imagine his big red balls just swinging? Strowing cities out of an catastrophic. I just lost my father recently. Don't worry, we found him. He was just in the next room dead. Fuck yeah, Anthony Walton. You've been on this show before. Yeah. Numerous times. My third time at the mothership, it's been a year. Yeah. Awesome. Much better than ever before, correct? That's sad. Yeah, they've all been solid. Oh wow, okay. I guess we remember them differently, Anthony. Well, let's go to the same Tony. This time I'm way less nervous and I'm like, I'm fucking ready. Yeah, that's it. So you agree that this was the best. Very good. There you go. All right. Even though they've all been solid. This is dead parent night on Keltone. Is it really true? Did you really lose your father? Yeah, so yesterday it was three years since he passed. What happened to him three years ago? Hard attack. He was like 80s. Oh, okay. He was ready to go. Cool. Awesome. How do you know if he was ready to go? Because one time he was like going out and my mom resuscitated him and he was like, damn. Get your hands off me bitch. What, my 72 virgins? That was the last guy. Yeah. Incredible. Anthony, it's been a year since you've been on the show. What's been going on with your life? What have you been up to? Oh, man, it's been roller coaster like breakups and then getting back together and then breaking up. And then now it's just like, I went through like a depression phase where I was just like, the world's dark. I don't want to make people laugh and do comedy. But then I was like, I fucking love this shit. And making people laugh, I got back to it. And my fucking car broke down and then I got a new car. I don't know, it was just up and down. So, let's talk about it. Let's start with this girlfriend that kept breaking up with you. Why were you guys breaking up? What was the problem? It was just a long distance, basically. Where's she at? Back in Denton. So, like, where I'm from, so like three hours away and stuff. Three hours away. I made the drive today. It was very easy. Yeah. It was just like complicated and shit and like... Tell us about it. What do you mean it was complicated? I don't want to put her like business out there. I mean, this is the show that you're on. This is the life that you chose, Mike. What would your dad want? Cheat your trunk. So, she was also married. Oh, there you go. See, that's great compelling stuff. But like, they're polyamorous. Slept in them stuff. A lot of oozing off. So, did he know about you? Yeah, yeah, we're cool. Okay. He was cool with some fucking Eskimo banging his wife. He was also Latino and shit, so... Hey, the roadies here to fuck you, honey. So... I'll be in my Oculus. Let me know. Yeah. Let me know what he's doing. I'll get the towel. Yeah. Have fun with the bloated Dave girl. Yeah. Bloated tigs. This is Stung by Bees. Yeah. The food fighter. Oh, my God. So, just anyone can get laid now, dude. Yeah. Cool. You got to get a divorce, Sam. You got to... No, I love my wife very much. She's very pretty. But it's just... It's flumixing looking at the data set that I've aggregated this evening. That's all. Yeah. But to say something there, what are you going to say? I'll just say like another... Literally shitty thing. I had like a wonderful Thanksgiving. And then I just ended horribly. With just me shitting myself in my car. You shit yourself in the car. Yeah. So, like... Take us through this moment. So, I got invited to this wonderful... Friendsgiving, comics, socializing, eight rooms, eight food, like... Wonderful time. Something I wish I knew was... If you eat a fuck ton of cranberries, it works as a laxative. And I wish I knew this before, because I was also a little drunk just eating these cranberries. Telling people... Eat these cranberries. They're delicious. You're on shrooms. You're a little tipsy. Yeah, well, this was like after I came down from the shrooms. Oh, okay. And then I was just popping them like a pill-popper-pop spills. Just telling people they're healthy for you. They're good. Yeah. And then I was like, I gotta go. And I was walking outside of my car. So, what was your car? Yes. Okay. I was just walking around and I was like, fuck. I was like, if I go back, they're gonna know. And I should've just been an adult and shit in his house. Yeah, by the way, the shrooms had not worn off yet. Yeah. Just to let you know. They're all gonna know I shit. Yeah. If I go back and they're all... I had to kill them all. I ain't on the cranberries. That was weird enough. Now I'm back to shit, fuck. Fuck. Oh, torches. I was telling them that cranberries are healthy. They probably fucking knew that, didn't they? Everyone fucking knows that. My dad is dead. I thought I had discovered cranberries. I thought I was the first. You guys tried these cranberries? They're covered in sugar. They're fucking delicious. Wow. But... So, there you are. You're walking to your car from Thanksgiving. Is this your family's Thanksgiving? No. My friend Spencer Boone invited me to his other friend. Wow. Name drop. Shout out Spencer with the shit your pants cranberries. Very embarrassing. Amazing. Yeah, so like... So I didn't go home for the holidays. And then I was just like... I could make it. And I made it to a 7-Eleven. But they were fucking cleaning it. And they wouldn't let me use the restroom. I was like, please, I'm gonna shit myself. They're like, no, you know... Is that what they sounded like? It's 7-Eleven. He was like, no. It's a lady. She's cleaning it. And I was like, they won't let you. She'll get mad. Fuck this. Bro, they lied for sure. They saw you come in Thanksgiving, pie-eyed, covered in cranberry juice. You waddle in. Yeah. That lady fucking dove for the mop bucket. She's like, there's a flood. So... It tells Seagars here. And Root again. So I was gonna take a shit behind the 7-Eleven. Revenge. But there was a fucking cop car. Chilling. So I was like, I can't get a ticket for this. Yeah. And then I was driving and I saw a circle K, but then it was too late. It just let go. It was like... You saw a circle. You drove by a circle K in your car. No, like, as soon as I saw it, I turned and saw it. And then it just... Yeah. He started crying. He was like, oh! And it was like... The first few seconds. It felt fucking incredible. Yeah. It was like... Yeah. Yeah. See, that's what they don't tell you about shit in your pants. Yeah. I backed that. You're not empowering. You drop a douche in your pants. Yeah. There's a few seconds before the shame... The gopsicle. Before the shame just takes over. And then I still have... Ugh! It kicks in. Ugh! You're gonna shoot your pants. You're like, I'm the smartest man on the... It's a lot of that. Ugh! You're gonna... You're gonna... You're gonna... You're gonna kill your... Ugh! And then... I just need to rest through! Ugh! And then I still had 30 minutes to drive back home. It got cold. And then it just went two more... I was like, it's already too late. So I just shit myself two more times. Ugh! Wow! Wow! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! They'll never know. But that... You've done it again. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! What kind of car do you have? Uh, 2015 Honda Civic? What? Okay. What color is the interior? Well, before. Black? Okay, so you're saying... Like the thing was like, this is the second time as an adult I shit myself. Oh. In the second car I ever owned, I was like, this is fucked. And then... And then I had to like piss so I grabbed a bottle. But it... What's the point? Yeah, it just... It's everywhere. You're wearing the diaper, filling up. Yeah, dude. But that... What? I made it home. But I live in the third floor. So I just had to waddle up. You pissed in a bottle with your pants full of shit. Yeah. And you were putting on airs, man. That's like taking off your shoes at a hotel room. Yeah. It's pointless. Did you tuck your pants into your socks so it doesn't fall out? No, it like... Good question from a professional... Leave it. Pro tip from shit your pants, legend, Brian Redbant. So tuck your pant legs into your socks so that it doesn't fall out in your hallway of your apartment building. Get on your kicks. You're wearing a blot-train move. Yeah. The black belt of brown belts. Brian Redbant. The... The sultan of shit. The prince of poop. Yeah, it was a fucking mess. So everywhere, like... It looked like blood, right? Because of the cranberries? What kind of pants were? Were they jeans? Were they... Please tell me they were khakis. Please. So... Oh, wait a second. Don't let your eyes wind up. Those are the pants? Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, what a legend. You are an icon. This is Killpony. Wow. Yeah. I'm for sure keeping the pants. I'm not made of money. Wow. I just lost up like three times. Wow. These were the shoes, not the socks. These weren't the socks or underwear. Wow. But... You are a legend, Anthony Walton. Absolutely incredible. One of the greatest interviews of the night. Anthony Walton, everybody. There he goes. That is how you shit your pants. If you're gonna shit your pants, you fucking multiple times. In multiple places. Yeah. He shit his pants in different area coats. Wow. My goodness. All right. You might be shitting his pants right now, ladies and gentlemen. This is new move. There he goes, Anthony Walton, everybody. Wow. There he goes. He's still going, everybody. He's still there. He's still there, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. All right. What an episode. This has been... You guys have fun tonight? Well, I got news for you. There's just one person left. And it's the only guy that could possibly close a show like this. He has the record for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews. He's a living member of the Killtony Hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him the Memphis Strangler. The vanilla gorilla. The big red machine. This is William Montgomery. Yeah, he's got a lot of fun. Yikes. That was kind of gross about that guy. Mattel Toy Company has just come out with an autistic version of Barbie. And luckily, this version still has those great tits. Okay. This next joke is for the ladies. You're like, hey, if they don't have Monastat 1, just get Monastat 3. Yeah, that's like saying, hey, if the video store doesn't have Godfather Part 1, just rent Godfather Part 3. Are you kidding me? One of those is a pharmaceutical masterpiece. And the other one, it has its flaws. Okay. Ladies are laughing at that one out there. Somebody was telling me how much ice was in Minnesota. And I was like, yeah, it's January, you dumbass. This weekend, I got a new Mercedes in Mario Kart. If you get hit by a green shell, it costs twice as many coins. The mechanic said it's the German design. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Joe. William Lights out Montgomery. Has arrived back on his royal throne of Ben Awai. It seems like he's been a little while, Tony. No doubt about it. It's been a while. And I'm still not rowing. And I've discovered, I almost feel like I don't even need to tell you. I've discovered this new type of video game that I've... Tony, I think it may be a retarded person. Or like a little child. I've been playing like these games that are like for little kids, I think. But I played them all day long, Tony. Tell us about it. What, what, what, what? Well, I've been playing something called nuclear gladiator 3000. I played it for three days the other day straight. I'm not even kidding. Three days straight. You're basically looking down at the map and you're this little person and you're shooting all the little characters around you. And you're solely upgrading your stuff. Sounds sick. Yeah, it's so fun. But doing that, I've been neglecting the Roma sheets. I got to figure it all out, Tony. I'm not doing great at the beginning of this new year. So I got to figure it out. Why do you think this is all happening? Why do you think you've kind of stopped working out and leaning on video games all of a sudden? I don't know, Tony. There's a problem. I have some sort of problem in my head, I think. I mean, I'll be okay. But I... Oh, yeah. You're agreeing with that one, Red Band? Nobody else? Oh, the old one. Why did you fucking agree with... Oh, you say... So what's wrong with me then, Red Band? What do you think? Well, the game you're playing is not called Nuclear Galaxy Man 3000 or whatever you said. Yeah, nuclear Gladiator 3000. It's called Vampire Hunter or something, right? Yeah, that's another one. Vampire Hunter, so it's another fun one. This is great stuff. Thanks for throwing a wrench into that. Tony's already been hating your ass tonight. I've been hating your ass tonight. Anytime we take a little vacation like we did, he comes back. We're just terrible. And it's a complete reset. But Timings Off interrupting stories, asking absolutely dumbest questions ever. But that's my buddy. This is my little... Oh, everybody likes that. That's my little buddy, everybody. Anyway. Are you doing okay with the passing of Bob Weir? Yes, it's very... Yes, Rest in Peace, Bob Weir. That was a big deal for you, right? Yeah, I think. I was just based on how you look all the time. Yeah, no. I always was a bigger fan. I think I'm going to be more devastated when the guy from Blues Traveler passes on. Hey, man, people keep sending me pictures. I look like that guy before and after, and it sucks. Yeah, you're looking good. You've lost a bunch of weight. Thanks, man. Yeah, I'm... You look cool, too. I'm just so happy for you. Hmm, thank you. Hey, two friends, you know, I'm stuck. Incredible. But yeah, Tony, I'll figure it out. I'm just going to... Chimbrue, or what do you think? It reminds me of no disrespect. When I see you, I feel like... Like Ron Howard's... Like the one brother no one knows about is really angry. So I've got way more talent than Ronny's day, right? I know when that was a real director. I'm just saying, remember Gallagher, and you're like, who's this guy's Gallagher, too? Are you serious? You look like... You look like... That right now. You look like Clint Howard. Yeah, Clint Howard. Clint Howard. Clint Howard. Yeah. All right, that's where one duck liked the joke, good. He's a real pretty daughter, I think, if I wasn't that situation would be... Yeah. Talking ours up in the food. Yeah. Exactly. So William, we've been off for a couple weeks, other than the video. Oh, and some idiots say, oh my god, because it was really funny, or what did some idiots say, oh my god, or right there? What did you not fucking hear me? I have not been feeling good recently, and then I hear some dumbass, and some kind of moment of weirdness right there, and say, oh my god, I hope that was a nice, oh my god. Seriously, I've been on the edge for the past number of days, I'm not even kidding. So I hope that was a nice, oh my god, I'm not kidding. William, what would you do? What would you... What would the idiots say it was and not? What would you do if I surprised you by putting that guy in the trunk of your car tonight? I would get the knife out of my pocket, and I would stab him a couple of times in the stomach, and then fucking wrap some chains around his hands. That's what I would do. And then what? You'd wrap chains around his hands. And then what would you do? Now that his hands are chained and he's bleeding from his stomach, then what would you do? I'm saying, look at you now dumbass, and then fucking do the fucking thing down. Yeah, per-drive over bone. All right, there's nothing gay about what he's saying. Yeah, there's nothing gay about that red man. Yeah, red man. Yeah. Uh-huh. What? Why would you chain his hands? He's already stabbed in the stomach in the trunk of your car. He's like, overkill, William. Yeah, well, I do overkill when I'm mad, and I'm mad right now. Oh, I'm sorry. Love you. Wow. Is that from Polter Guy 6? What was that? Yeah. What do you think would bring you some joy, William? I don't know. I need to get back on the Roma sheet. I had to start exercising. Have you been doing any puzzles? I hit seven, and now I've hit a wall. I would like to start another one. I have a bunch of them. I've been buying them on eBay. And there's a couple of very nice vintage ones I've gotten. I'm like, I'm just putting this one up on my dresser. I'm not even opening this one up, because it has the original price tag on it. I have a couple of those. Okay. So, a hoarding. A real hoarding is entered your app. I have 20 puzzles right now. Oh, my goodness. What are they of? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. specific type of puzzle that you're buying? Well, the next one I think we're gonna do is baby Jesus. It's fucking a small puzzle that'll be... Joseph. Yeah. 5,000 pieces, the manger scene. I figured I'd do that one. Even though it's past Christmas, but I think that's the next one. Nothing better than a manger scene, late January. Yep. So I'm taking almost my birthday. I'm almost 39, Tony. Wow, Wednesday. Next Monday. Winds your birthday. January 26. Wow. That's Gisbury Day. That means Gisbury. That's Gisbury. I never forget it. Thank you. You quit rowing? Yeah. You were having so much fun. I was having so much fun. I'm very self-destructive. So I know it's really good for me, but then I really love deep down. It's some sick kind of way I like hurting myself. So that's what I've been doing recently. Well, it just looks like you're hearing a rope boat. You know, he looked like an ancient mariner. I thought it'd be easy for you. I know, me too. I'll start doing it again. I almost went today and then I didn't. I was going to wear the Gretzky jersey when you'd tie them up and kill them in the trunk. Do you wear the jersey? Gretzky jersey? Yeah. Fucking wear the Gretzky jersey when a beateness fucking ass. Wait, what did the fucking idiots say again? He said, oh my god. Or what did he say? Yeah, he really could have been like, oh my god. When I fucking hitting you and I got the fucking Kings jersey fucking. Gretzky Kings jersey. Can you even imagine that, really? Yeah. I'm beating this fucking ass in the fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get that. Yeah. What would be the last thing that you would say to him as you're watching the life leave his body? Do a never gonna breathe again. This one will be a fucking crazy gentleman. Shippurr.com, find the funny catch among tour. SamTalent.com with two L's. He's on tour as well. Thank you guys so much for being here. So much fun. Thank you. How about the Imagine Jim Brewer, everybody? The Legend Jim Brewer. Wait. This is glad to be out of my house. Come on, you guys can do better than that. The great Jim Brewer, ladies and gentlemen. Blue two Shopify talk space, Jacobus, the best standband in the land. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belvis in. Let's see what Chris drew over there. Oh, Jim Brewer. Look at that. That's you. He painted you. That's amazing. Uh, Red Bam. Check out Cherry Roof here on YouTube. Love you guys. Yes, we love you so much. A lot of fun stuff happening. A huge announcement. A huge announcement coming tomorrow. Or last week. Last week. You'll see it. All right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Woo! The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday. Check out the red Bam's secret show every Thursday.