The Adventure Zone Royale: Episode 14

The wizards, numbers nearly halved, are separated wheat from chaff to measure with a trial so strange their minds' capacity for change. They sink below and then ascend, as one by one they meet their end. Till eight escape the quiet pond, to glimpse the lifeless lands beyond. Hello and welcome back to Taz Royale, Our PvP winner take all 1v63 season. Today we begin a new trial, the fourth trial, as we approach the halfway mark of the Conclave. It's been 100 years since we've recorded due to having to reschedule for illness and tour and what have you. I'm excited. So everybody's dead. Everyone died and came back to life. Ooh. Yes. Yes, there's a whole Christ allegory thing. And if you want that, you gotta subscribe to the Patreon. That's where we put the bonus episodes. That's where all the lore drops are. And the lord drops. We should start putting in voice recordings that people can find around the area where they get lore drops from within the world. Yeah, that's cool. And you can like, it'll be like Bioshock where you'll be kind of listening while someone's like, he threw the party, but the plasmids were. But meanwhile, a bunch of masked killers are trying to- That's why you have to do it, that it's unidirectional, and if you're not standing in front of the player and you start to walk away, it fades out, and you're like, fuck, now I gotta stand here and look at it. Can we call them pop-up audios? I just invented them. Can we call them pop-up audios? For you. Pop-up. Okay. Different skins that you can get from loot boxes that you pay for. Go on. Yes, all that is going to be after the next content drop. The sun rises over the octave ziggurat. As the three of you open the doors and flaps of your respective lodgings, you find a small copper-colored card sitting right before you, and it reads in embossed lettering, Group 1, First Horn, the Gilded Lily. As you arrive at the Gilded Lily over the northwest sort of quarter of the octave Ziggurat Island, you make your way to the luxurious crystalline spa on the sort of man-made lily pad island there at the appointed time. And as you arrive, there's a small crowd of other aspirants gathering inside the Gilded Lily. You see a few familiar faces. You see Scorpo, your teammate from the previous challenge. You see the skateboarding bird man, Tommy Falcon. You see Rime, the final icy survivor of the elemental rangers who Loravith dispatched in the very first trial, or I guess second trial, as well as like a half dozen other faces you're not quite as familiar with. moments after your arrival, sunlight glints off of a shape that comes flying from the top of the ziggurat and soaring in your direction. And moments later, a glorious golden Thrykine scarab hovers over the waters in front of the group. Mine, mine, mine. I call it, I call it. That's mine, that's mine. You mean mine. Mine, it's mine. Oh, it's cute. As you say all of that, this golden scarab kind of floats into the gilded lily where everyone is standing and gives you sort of a weird look, Helgramet, that lingers for a moment. Yes. Oh, with mutual admiration. It is not mutual at all, believe me. Good morning. I want to do a Zorak, too, if we're all getting to do Zoraks. No, Zorak voices. I'm back. You only, if you played a Thryking, and you get to do the Zorak voice. Oh, that's the rule. You recognize this golden scarab as one of the members of the octave that has appeared before you during past trials. And he speaks, he says, good morning, aspirants. Good morning. I like that chipper. Good face the day with zeal and enthusiasm. It will serve you well. I am set. And today I will be administering the trial of transmutation. This group of 12 has been assembled based on your placement in the previous trial. However, today, this is not a team challenge. You shall soar or fall based solely on your own individual merits. Transmutation is a peculiar discipline, while my colleague's schools measure power based on intellectual acumen or spiritual attunement. Transmutation is the study of flexibility, adaptability, cleverness. These are the virtues that shall be tested today. And Set flutters his golden wings and the doors to the gilded lily seal shut and almost immediately the entire building begins to descend downward into the lake. The sunlight from above. While this is happening Lorvith is looking around at everybody with this really smug expression on his face because he definitely knew this was happening because of the last episode. There's no context for it and no one clocks it but he's looking around. I like to think he's the only one who's like, yep, this is exactly what I thought was about to happen. Yes, because you saw the Golden Tower, you definitely feel a little bit prepared. I'm gonna give you a point of inspiration if I did not remind you to do that in the previous episode. Oh, baby, you know that's on the sheet. Kick-ass, cool. I'm ready. So the sunlight that was kind of, you know, coming in from over the foggy wall surrounding the fold is replaced by these flickering neon flashes from these tiny bioluminescent fish schooling sort of around the spa as it sinks down into the lake. And through a rising curtain of tiny bubbles, you see a structure built onto the floor of the lake coming into view. It is a large, ornate, golden tower, the one Loravith saw during his intense massage. And the lily thumps down into the lake floor, sending up a plume of sediment, and you see the whole building kind of move inward toward the entryway into this golden tower. It thumps to a stop, and it forms a seal. You hear a sort of sucking vacuum sound, and then the doors to the Gilded Lily unseal and slide open you see it is docked with this golden tower which set leads the group into um as you step into this golden tower i'm going to now start the virtual tabletop so you can see the map you walk into a uh a tall tall tall building uh with a very prominent three-story high spiral staircase right in the center of it. I can't tell if you're laughing at- I'm laughing at all your icons, Griff. I'm sorry. I did some good work on the icons. No, there's like, it's good, man. There's like, it's the thick Spider-Man that really got me. There's like a Spider-Man that's been edited by a small town newspaper ad director. The pixels are just all stretched to hell, you know? He's the only thing thick. He knows how to do the, like, drag the corner and doesn't know how to do individual. Yeah, just drag the corner. Didn't hit control T to transform. just kind of squooted on out there. Unsurprisingly, when adding the aspirants. Give me square pictures of thick Spider-Man. Give me 640 by 640 pictures of Spider-Man. Parker! Bring me a rectangular picture of Spider-Man that will be auto-corrected into a perfect circular form. This is a PNG. I can't make this. No, I don't want to drop pictures of Spider-Man. Yes, every other aspirant. Did you say a gif or a gif of Spider-Man? All the other aspirants here, this art was included in D&D Beyond. The Spider-Man picture did have to be added in post. You all walk into this golden tower. No pictures of spiders in D&D Beyond? No spiders, men. Your footfalls crunch into dried red kelp that lines the floor of this chamber, which stands about 50 feet wide. There's this huge three-story tall spiral staircase, and the tower extends up well beyond that. There are these big bulbous kind of porthole windows looking out into the lake where you see those flashes of fish swimming by periodically. And all around you, the walls are just coated in this glimmering golden facade. And you make your way in surrounding this huge spiral staircase. You can spot periodically at certain points around this column that this spiral staircase is winding up around. Small alcoves with different runes etched into them. From your position, you can't quite make out exactly what those shapes are or what their purpose is. But you do clock those. Set continues. He says, I will not overburden you with explanations. as it is my intention to measure your ability to think on your feet. However, I must establish some ground rules before we begin. The point of today's exercise could not be simpler. Survive. The trial shall end when four of you have been eliminated. Now, you may not make armed attacks against one another, nor may you directly target each other with your suite of spells. You must find more inventive methods of defeating your rivals. To further test your resourcefulness, there will be one more restriction applied to this trial. While the spells you have slotted into your grimoire will be available to you, you may only use each spell currently seated within your grimoire a single time. For the eight of you who survive, your reward tier shall be determined by your height upon the staircase when the trial concludes. In addition, the survivors will be granted an insight most rare. you will be given an opportunity to gaze upon the blighted world beyond the fold, a privilege afforded solely to the octave alone. You may have a few moments to discuss these rules amongst yourselves before taking your place, and then we shall begin. Brick just raises his hand. Oh, yep. Yeah, I heard that some of you do like to ask a lot of questions. I don't know any of your names. Rictus Ravenwood. Ah, of the Ravenwoods? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Of the breathless fields, yeah. What is your question, Rictus? Did you do this kind of challenge when you went through your process of becoming a member of the Octave? I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to divulge. I am one of the newer members of the Octave, although I suppose since the Conclave is held every several generations, I have been at it a while. When he says that, when he says I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to divulge, does he look around? Is there somebody watching him? Give me an insight check. Okay. 15 He does not look around He says it in a way that suggests That it was He didn't actually think about it He doesn't want to share this information And so But maybe he hasn't been asked all these questions A hundred times before Like he's having to actually think about it No the exact opposite It is like he is saying that because he doesn't want to answer that question And so he just Basically you clocked him basically He made that up entirely. My trial was similar to this in nature. It tested my transmutational magical abilities and my flexibility. And I believe that today's trial shall measure your own capabilities in these departments. Rick just raises his hand again. Does anyone else have any other questions? But you did go through a series of trials like we're doing to become a member. Yes, that is how one is Not just one Yes I have a question Okay, how about this? Everyone gets one question One of the flyers among us One of the flyers Are there flyers among you? One of the flyers among us He looks around, there are a couple of of Aarakocra Specifically Tommy Falcon here with his flying with his flying hoverboard What about Hippocrates? Hippocrates, you look at- That's a kinkoo, baby, can't fly. Well, actually, you think at first, like, oh, that is a kinkoo or some sort of bird race in the D&D sort of parlance. But actually, you're looking at him, it appears like he is wearing an elongated sort of black mask, sort of like a plague doctor mask. He does not have any wings to speak of. you see Set smile and say, ah, yes, you would assume that they would have an unfair advantage in this trial, but for those who are insightful enough and most attuned to the arcane energies of this place, we'll find a way of dealing with them as well. I would advise you all not to lean on shortcuts. This trial has a means. Our whisper directs as he continues to talk. I think he wants us to say... I think he's going to smash him in the head with a hammer. Nope. No armed attacks against one another. That was not to you, Griffin. If I specifically say I'm not speaking to you, I beg of you. He said something about not attacking each other. Hell, Grubber, no. You must listen to me. I'll find the biggest hammer you can, Bugman. Smash that bird. I just... It will quite literally, Bogman, be two birds with one smack. Well, I have wings. Look, I have wings. So I'm eliminating two winged foes in one. You directly attack Tommy Falcon. You understand? Yes, Bogman. You and your jokes. I would like to take this moment to remind you of the blood oath you swore to me in episode seven to always have my back and always protect me. You remember that? I'm sure you do. As a matter of fact, I think both of you do. It's not fair for Dad to use the fact that I don't remember things very well. Yeah, for all we know, he's making that up. This was targeted. No, no, no. Hey, Dad, how's this going to feel like, remember you signed this will, Dad? You promised me everything, you know? That's not going to be very fun. Hell, Grandma, I use my questions up. Can you ask a question for me? Yes, I will. I assume that there is a possibility that people will be afforded some extra benefits. And he winks his giant compound eye at Set. Yeah, he thinks he's going to get a little home cooking. So, yeah, I mean, I'm sure that even vestigial wings will be an advantage. Oh, my God. Hellgram, it's trying to be subtly charming. It's got to be one of the most unsaid. Yeah, off-putting as hell, man. It's like making weird noises, like weird clicking and creaking. He doesn't have eyebrows or he would wiggle his eyebrows. Yeah, it's like listening to TikTok from Return to Oz fall down a flight of stairs. Set looks at you and says, do you feel as if you require extra help? Oh, Zing! Got you, man. Withering, brother. Withering. Oh, you're going to feel that one for days. No, we're from the same... Uh-huh. No, no. He burned you real bad, man. Okay. Thank you for the encouragement. By the way, the hood is the technical term for the dome that covers the cloacal opening that Grameen emerged from. So it is technically the same hood. Sure. Because there is a biological... No, I'm sure there's no special favors. Is Adventure Zone the podcast that contains more uses of the term cloaca per capita than any other in our staple of products? That's what we got the iHeartRadio Podcast Award for, Griffin. Yeah, that's true. Rick just raises his hand and says, I know I already asked questions, but that was before you made the one question rule, so can I have one more? Well, it depends on the question. It's simple. Yeah. And it's kind of embarrassing that we're on, what, like the fourth trial now? And I didn't think to ask this before, but what happens if we, like, abstain? What do you mean? Well, like... Not have babies. No. No. I suppose that is everyone's choice. I told you that in confidence. No. No. I saw you had that ring on. No. Well, that's because I'm married. Yes. But no, what I'm saying is if we decided not to go through, if we said, like, okay, I don't want to do this and attack people, would we just get to, like, leave the island and go home? Would we be killed? Would we just sit out this challenge? With that, Set flies back down. He lands close to you, looks at you kind of inquisitively. He says have the terms and conditions of the conclave not been made explicitly clear Rictus Ravenwood Oh I speaking purely hypothetically I perfectly happy Yeah kill everybody That's great. I'm just wondering. I'm just curious. He says, uh, all who stand here have cleared the trial of divination, the first trial we place before you where the dangers and rewards of this process are outlined. And by agreeing to those terms, you have bound yourselves to a type of contract. That is what brings you here. If you do not feel like terminating the aspirants around you, that is your prerogative. However, I will remind you that only one wizard will emerge from the conclave. And I have... Wonder who that will be. He says, to my knowledge, that champion has never been a pacifist. So just to simplify, kill or be killed. I thought that would be obvious at this point. Just wanting, I just, it makes choosing in the future way simpler to have it laid out like that. and makes a pathway way clearer for me. Thank you. Glad I could clear it up. He, with that, flies very quickly, exhausted by the salvo of questions. Up to the top of the tower, there is a small observation perch built into the wall. Are we the only three aspirins that ever have questions? No, the other ones ask questions too. I just don't include it in the show. Those are edited out. There are nine other wizards in this chamber. And so, you know, if we included all of those, That's what the Patreon bonus episodes are. Oh, okay, great, great, great. As people kind of mill about as Set takes his place, Hellgram it. You see Rime, this sort of masked, blue-clad, sort of ninja-looking wizard, sort of slink towards you and try to get your attention to pull you aside for a conversation. What? What? What? I'm with my fellas here. No, it's okay. Yeah, you can go. We have not met. I am Rhyme. I am the sole survivor of a group called the Elemental Rangers. I heard you saying that you were looking for an advantage, a bonus, some sort of leg up, so to speak, in the trials. I have an offer for you. I am happy to give you my prize in this contest under a certain condition, and that is that you help me fulfill a sort of oath of vengeance that I have made against one of the aspirants here. And Rhyme points at Loraveth very subtly. Says, uh, that, uh, Goliath there, uh, led to the death of my friends in the, in the, in the trial of abjuration. And I am unmoored without them. And my rage is the only thing that I have really been able to find solid ground with. If you help me to, uh, defeat the Goliath, I will happily give you whatever prize we may earn from this trial. You strike me as an enterprising sword Maybe this author would appeal to you Well, I will say that unmoored rage is the worst rage That chills the blood Exactly what kind of revenge are you talking about? I mean, like, displeasing him or cheating him out of the... Four of us are going to die during this trial. I would like him to be one of them. If he is, you get my rewards. Wow. And what will I be adding to this? I mean, am I just standing by, ready to act when you want me to? I leave that up to you. I have seen you in previous trials. You are quite canny. Thank you. Thank you. I work on my can. I will do what I can. If you choose to assist me, I will reward you in the end. And with that, Ryan slings off, starts doing some calisthenics, starts stretching, getting ready. Can I approach Scorpo? Sure, yeah. Hi, man. Did you have a good break between the last challenge or this one? I spent my time contemplating the challenges before us and the unfavorable odds each of us face. How fair you? Have you recovered from the Death Marks curse? Yeah, so you know what it was, right? I am something of a recluse. I have no hive. I find myself drawn to the fog wall, the borders of the fold. And out there, things get strange. The connection to death and its ways is different from how it is in the interior. I am familiar with the workings of death, yes, and I saw it upon you. Yeah, man. Tell me about it. Did you make some manner of bargain with death? Because I would assume someone in your position from the family you come from would know better than that. Well, you'd think that. But even, like, I think the curse is gone, but it's been kind of weird. Since then? Yes. There's like a lingering... You know what? That's all I can... You've got a pretty good strategic mind. Looking around at the group here, who's the target for you? He looks around, and you get a sense that he's doing so a little bit theatrically. Uh, because it doesn't take him very long to look down at you, and he says, You're not going to like it. I hope I have earned some level of trust with you in sharing what I know, and I have no reason to think that you wish me harm, and so I will tell you, I may not move on it during this trial, But Helgramot cannot win the Conclave. I have seen into his mind, I have seen what he wishes to do with the powers granted to the Octave, and it simply cannot come to pass. I realize that the two of you have worked together in the past, and I am not going to ask you to take any kind of action against him. I merely want to advise you that his intentions are perhaps not as pure as his gregarious demeanor might suggest. Okay, I was going to do Randolph. Yes, that seems good too. He's an old man. Oh, man. With that, we jump over to Randolph and Duber Sweetleaf have approached you, Loravith. Randolph, a tall, sort of slender-aged-looking wizard with a long white beard. And Duber Sweetleaf, a kindly little halfling, cherub-cheeked little guy wearing sort of farmer's clothing, overalls, barefooted, crunching in the red kelp on the ground. Randolph approaches you, Loravith, and says, Ah, excuse me, sir. May I introduce myself? My name is Randolph, and this here is my halfling ward, Duber Sweetleaf. Duber Sweetleaf says, Oh, hello there, sir. We got a stock call. Hello there, sir. I'm Duber Sweetleaf, and this here is the grand sorcerer, Randolph. Randolph says, yes, yes. May I ask your name, sir? Randolph the Pewth. Lorvith. Conjvon Dreamwanderer. Ah. A grand name for a person of such grand stature such as yourself. I... And Duber, what a pleasure it is to make... Is it all right if I talk to Duber directly? Yes, of course you can talk to me. I'm Duber Sweetly. How did I say to him, go! I'm just a little guy. I'm the little guy from Swineburg. I love nothing more than a kind helping of the good green smoke from Old Basher. Is he a little boy that smokes? Is this the character? Is this what he is? Is this just a little boy who smokes? He is. He's fantastic, though. You have a hard time discerning Duber Sweetleaf's age. He says, I pick him up and put him on my shoulders like Tiny Tim. Everyone look! Look at me. I'm way up high. He rips out a big, he casts fog, actually, as he draws from his slender wooden pipe. And I hope the one time per spell thing doesn't happen now. Yeah, Randolph smiles and says, oh, good, I see you are similarly taken with Duber Sweet Leaf. He is under my protection. And during this trial, I must say, my own arcane abilities are nothing to be sneezed at, but it seems like this one shall be more of a measure of our physical prowess, which myself and Duber sorely lack. You are a tremendous frame, and I was hoping that you might keep an eye out for the two of us. and if you do, we shall make sure to return the favor in future trials, ones that perhaps do not measure our physical prowess quite as judiciously as today's. If you round up, the two of you are perfectly safe. Because one of you, I assure you, no harm is coming to Nuba Sweetleaf. Oh, I do hope that you will honor that promise, Ed. Once we are free from here, I would love to take you to Swineberg. And we will go to Mar Kessel's place and have a fat rasher of bacon. I can't understand a single word he says, but I'm obsessed. You adopt this fucking little fucking laboo-boo as he sits on your shoulder. Randolph nods and says, laboo time. He says, laboo boy. Yes, I suppose that that will suffice. I can watch out for myself, but do per sweet leave. He is a hopeless little baby. And I'm right here, sir. I am so glad that that that he will be protected as you all sort of finish up these conversations. The 12 aspirants gathered here, including one sort of mechanical looking construct with almost looks like an alarm clock for a head. The wizard clacks on and also one that is just a huge, somewhat realistic, stuffed teddy bear. The wizard's snug jaw. There's also Spider-Man is here. One of the three, the spiders. The one that is Spider-Man is also here. The three of them seem to be congregating and strategizing. And from way up high above you, past the surface of the waters beyond the ceiling of this tower, you hear a horn drowned out slightly by the depths of the lake that you are under. and with that, Set looks down at the 12 wizards gathered below from his perch and says, Begin. this podcast is brought to you by squarespace you've heard us talk about squarespace so many times over the years because they are one of our most loyal and generous sponsors uh but did you also know that we're not just paid spokespeople. We're clients too, man. We have all made websites using Squarespace and it could not be easier genuinely to make something online that makes you look probably a lot more professional than you actually are and a lot more web savvy than you actually are. No matter what you need a website for, you're offering goods and services that you need to sell, you need to get paid through any number of different options. Well, they can help you do that too. They can help you do built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools for your business or whatever. It's really incredible. They just have a library of really professional looking templates that you just kind of drag and drop and you don't have to know anything about coding or whatever. They help you style something up that looks really, really nice and no experience is required at all. Head to squarespace.com slash adventure for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code adventure to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm a gamer. And that means sometimes I play games where I have to subscribe and pay like a monthly fee in order to play them. And then I stop playing them and I forget to cancel that monthly fee. And then I look back and I've lost like $15,000 from it. Well, guess what? I don't have to worry about that anymore because now I've got Rocket Money in my corner. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I've used Rocket Money more times than I can count to just do a quick diagnosis of my current subscriptions, but they also do lots of other stuff. They can categorize all of your transactions to see where your money is going, help you set budgets for certain categories, and it consolidates all of your different accounts into a single dashboard so you get just a clear picture of your financial health all in one place. It really does what it does extraordinarily well, and I can't recommend it enough. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash adventure. That's rocketmoney.com slash adventure. One last time, rocketmoney.com slash adventure. Got a few announcements before you get back to the rest of the episode. We got some new merch up in the McElroy merch store over at McElroyMerch.com. A new t-shirt with a helping is always a free action design on it. There's 20 make it stick enamel pins on there. Lots of really, really great stuff this month. And 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels, whose services include educational programs, water drops in the desert, day laborer outreach, Familias Reunitas Immigration Bond Fund Program, and shelter aid support in Tijuana to aid migrants and asylum seekers in need. I also want to let you know that I have a book coming out very soon it's a choose your own adventure book it's called The Stowaway it's appropriate for middle grade readers but I think it's a rollicking adventure a survival tale set in outer space that anyone would get a thrill or two out of there's intrigue, there's action, there's stunts there's everything that a book can't have I think, those are the three right? I said action and stunts right? yeah no that's all of it So you can pre-order that now at bit.ly slash griffinstowaway. And it would be, gosh, just a huge help to me if you would consider doing that. The book is $10 and it comes out again on March 10th. So don't wait. Go ahead and secure your copy today. That's it. Enjoy the rest of the episode. We will be back with a new one in two weeks. So talk to you then. Bye. Howdy there. So sorry to interrupt whatever amazing show you were listening to, but it's time for an ad. I'll be so quick and get back to your show. Don't worry. I'm host Austin. one half of a podcast called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries that I make with my good friend Brenda. We talk about the pop culture stuff you like, like Thundercats and Yu-Gi-Oh! Did you know that the Thundercats are cousins with Farrah Fawcett? Or that Yu-Gi-Oh! once caused a riot? You probably want to know more. You can find us at Maximum Fun or wherever you get podcasts. Every single Tuesday. Let's roll for initiative, guys. Before we do, can we do one quick thing? If it's very quick. Very quick. Can we just have a quick prayer? Yeah, sure. Yeah, just a quick prayer. Oh, I was joking. Dear gods above, as the three of us gather close together, Please let us win. Amen. And while he's saying this prayer, without him knowing it, Helgrama casts alarm on the back of Loravith's back. Okay. You cast alarm on the back of Loravith's back. On his back. On his back. You set an alarm against intrusion. Would the back of his back be inside his body? Yes. Oh, good point. Yes. On his jacket, choose a door, a window, or an area within range. Okay. And the spell lasts for eight hours. Okay. And if anyone touches his back, there will be an alarm that alert me that the creature has touched or entered the warded area. Yeah, so when you, this is an uncommon usage of the spell, but you can designate creatures that- The Matt McElroy story. You can designate creatures that won't set off the alarm. So I assume you designate him. Right. Right. And you're casting this on who? On Loraveth? Yes. Okay, you can also choose if the alarm is mental or audible. So this can be an alarm date. I want it to be audible. Okay, cool. I want it to be audible. Okay. And I want it to be aviso, aviso, aviso. No, it's actually, it produces the sound of a handbell for 10 seconds within 60 feet. So I can't have that. No, you can't. I'll live with that. Okay. Okay, you have cast this spell. If anyone touches Loravith's back, you will be- That is not me. Or Loravith. And Rick this, pats Loravith on the back. Oh, okay. Bing bong, bing bong. Okay, cool. With that please roll initiative I got an 18 Amazing roll Three Okay God almighty. I'm getting new die. Loravith? I have got... Damn. Damn. Damn. Four. Great. So you all take off as the horn rings and set begins the trial up the spiral stairs. I'm going to place you all on these stairs based on the results of these initiative rolls. Some surprising outcomes here. Didn't expect Randolph to beat much of anybody. But here we are. Duber Sweetleaf also ahead. And down here, we've got Loravith, Hellgramma, and tragically Spider-Man. Okay, you all race up the stairs as the horn sounds. Looking up, just to give the folks at home a sense of the battle map here, there's a three-story tall spiral staircase, sort of measured out here into 30 steps. Rictus, with your very high initiative roll, you are front of the pack with Scorpio and Klaxon up on the fourth step. The rest of the crowd kind of gathering behind and then on the very first step, Loravith and Helgram and Spider-Man are rounding out the pack at the back. As you all begin racing up the stairs, you feel the ground moving beneath your feet and see that these spiral stairs surrounding the central pillar have begun to rotate around that pillar and descend down the height of the tower. looking up you can see new steps seemingly appearing from thin air at the very top of the tower and at the very bottom the step that you are standing on Lorvith and Helgramit has begun to like vanish into the ground at the bottom it is forming a sort of like spiral escalator type effect where the steps are constantly moving down are they at the bottom are they at risk of like danger from this That's a really, really great question. As you look down as the stairs begin to descend, you also notice that water has begun to trickle in through small vents around the ground floor. And as water splashes onto this carpet of dried red kelp, you see a sudden violent transmutation take place as all of the kelp is transmuted into a vicious swarm of blood red fanged eels. That is what is happening in this room. Every round of combat, the stairs will descend, the waters will rise. If you find yourself in the water, you are going to be set upon by many, many eels. Okay, first in the order is Rictus. Now, Rictus, with a speed of 30, you are able to move up six of these stairs with your move action, if that is how you want to spend your entire move action. And Skorbo's standing right next to you. He could have an attack of opportunity, but you have no reason to think he would do that to you. The alcoves are staying in place. The alcoves are built into the tower. You actually see that the stairs are kind of rotating, you know, around this central pillar, but the alcoves are set into that pillar, and they are not moving. So yes, they are set in place. And are these stairs, like, Can you tell me about the construction of the stairs? Like, are they supported all the way to the ground? No, they don't go all the way to the ground. Imagine sort of like a big sort of thick slab, cement slab, like fan blades almost. Great. That are coming out. There's not much clearance between the different steps, but it takes you, you know, about five feet of movement to get up onto the next step and move all the way forward. Okay, great. First, I'm going to cast Mage Armor on myself. Okay. Which increases my AC to 15. And that is action, bonus action? That's an action. That's my action. Okay, great. Mark that as being used for this trial. Yeah, and that's going to last for eight hours. Yeah, you're good on that. And then I'm going to... Listen, the clear red exclamation point you've put here is probably a danger warning. But it could also be like a Mario Kart leg block that gives me a turtle shell that's going to knock everybody down. So I'm going to duck into that there alcove. There's not enough space for you to get into the alcove, right? There's not enough space for someone to stand and, you know, be exempt from this constant downward spiraling movement. There is just sort of a very, very narrow pocket of the wall that has been carved out where there is this rune resembling an exclamation mark. What would you like to do to sort of examine that? Let's do an arcana check. Okay. Oh, three plus five at eight? Yes, it definitely appears to be something that is like a receptacle for kind of magical energy. It would take some time to interact with this and figure out what it does and how to use it. And as you have already acted on this turn, you get the sense that you are not able to. Rictus loudly announces, oh no, a curse, and continues up the stairs. Okay, you want to use the rest of your movement? Yeah. So you can go one, two, three, four, taking up to step number 10. That is it for your turn. Scorpio is going to do the same thing. He is going to move up his six. He is going to step up to the rune that is here on step number 10. You watch as he kind of places his clawed hands against the rune. As he does, you see an exchange of kind of magical energy take place as he places his hands on the runes. It seems to drain him of some of his essence, some of his magical ability here. As he does, you see vines emerge from the rune and begin to drape downward over two of the steps here, surrounding them in tricky-looking, thorned, brambly vines, making those two steps difficult terrain, requiring double movement to get past. next in the order is Klaxon who runs up and gets tangled up in those spaces and he is actually going to spend his movement or his action as a dash to move up five more steps to reach the front of the pack. The rest of the group is going to get through their moves fairly quickly as I don't want this to take all day. of note Tommy Falcon on his hoverboard is able to fly immediately over the vines without being slowed by them at all he started on three so he is going to move up 12 whole steps up to step 15 yeah he is moving very very quickly Randolph is not Klaxon dashed he used his action to dash which I will remind you is something you can do In lieu of taking an action, you can take another move. Randolph moves ahead. Duper Sweetleaf gets stuck a little bit in the... Duper Sweetleaf is going to take a push action, a shove action against Rhyme, just for shits and giggles here. But it's unsuccessful because Duper Sweetleaf is very small. Rhyme looks at him like, what the fuck, kid? Continuing to move up, you see everyone else has gone up to make their way up to the respective stairs, leaving just Helgramit and Loravith at the bottom. Next up is Loravith. It's your turn. You actually have 35 feet of movement. So Loravith, you are actually able to move seven steps with your move action. I don't know why you have extra. Maybe your legs are super long, but that's what your character sheet says. So what stair, if I use the maximum of my movement, Who would I be on a stair with? You would make your way up to this sort of first viney stair that Snugjaw is on. To move past that square, you would have to use double movement, but you could land there. I want to get up. I want to stand. There's like an open spot. If you were to triangulate between Duber Sweetly, Snugjaw, if you triangulated, there's a spot there. That's where I want to get to. I want to be in between Duber and Snugjaw. You make your way up the seven steps from step one up to step eight. You step into these viney brambles, and even with your considerable height, you find yourself slightly tangled up by them. That is your move action. You still have your action and bonus action. What would you like to do? Oh, man. I can't attack anybody. You can make unarmed attacks. You can take pushing and shoving is okay. You can't make armed attacks or directly target someone with a spell. If you have a spell that, you know, attacks an area or does like a burst or something, that is not prohibited. You just can't, you know, set someone on fire from inside their game. I am going to try something. Okay. A technique. Great. I'm going to throw Snugjaw off the stairs. Okay. So this is going to be a shove. Instead of making an attack roll, you make an athletics check. contested by the target's athletics or acrobatics check. They're going to use athletics because they are a big bear. And if you succeed, you will either knock the target prone or push it five feet away from you, which because Snugjaw is standing on the edge of the stair, you could elect to knock him right off. We're going to roll this right on the table. Oh, my God. That's a critical fail from poor old Snugjaw. And I rolled a 15. Yeah. okay as you place your hands squarely against his chest looks up at you you hear like a with a critical failure grip yeah i would like i would just feel like he has stuck out his leg and it's not even like a it's not hard yeah he's like using momentum against him right he's like tripping him at the bottom right sweeping with the leg shoving with the top like he's played this game a lot Yeah, back on the hill. King of the hill is like one of his favorites. Yeah, absolutely. This is like your area of expertise, as it were. And Snugjaw falls bad. Snugjaw has a bad dive off of this step. And you see him look at you and go, I saw the way you looked at Duba! And he goes flying off the step and falls and lands in the water. As he does, you all watch as these sort of ropey red eels from all around the circle surrounding the spiral staircase just converge on Snugjaw. Snugjaw is attacked by these eels and takes 24 points of... Of... Snugging damage. Of eel damage. Eel base. It's the screeching eels. That is actually, looking at Snugjaw's character sheet, you lose sight of this enormous kind of like somewhat grotesque living teddy bear as he is consumed by these eels. And moments later, they part and there is nothing floating in this shallow water but stuffing as Snugjaw is instantly killed as he lands in the water. And I think all of you have a moment where you think, boy, howdy, you don't want to go into the eel water holy shit oh christ no and then larvith looks behind him looks behind him back at everybody and says in a sense you could blame society and then continues on his way uh okay with that you hear the chiming of a bell from the waters up above you uh as another aspirant falls in the very first round of this trial. And one of the four required deaths have taken place already. We move to the bottom of the order, which is Hellgrammet. Your turn, Hellgrammet. Okay. Hellgrammet is going to move up into the space formerly held by Sweetums, whatever his name was. So you are not actually able to get all the way up there. With your speed, which is 30, you can get up to step number seven, which is where Hippocrates is. Well, then I'm going to use dash. That is your action. If you do that, you can do that if you want. I realize that. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to dash. Okay. So that I'm right there in that space. Okay. And I'm going to stop on eight. Okay. You are right up in the brambles with Loravith. Yeah. And just kind of, oh, that feels, that's kind of good. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah, and he's kind of like you do when you scratch your back against the corner of a wall and your wife yells at you. Yeah. What? Yeah, against the brim. Like a big bear. Scratch his back. Or timing, Dad. The bear just died. Too soon? Is it too soon? Yes, I would say so. Okay, you do that to what end, may I ask? Why do I stay there? Yeah. I just kind of like it. Okay. It's pleasant. Because he's a weird beard. Okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. All right. That brings us back to the top of the order. Before that happens, the stairs rotate downward. We go. Oh, it rotates a lot. It rotates three steps. Everyone moves three steps down. The vines you can see, because they are being projected out of this runic symbol, they stay sort of put where they are on steps seven and eight. But everyone else moves down three. And the other thing that happens is the water rises. You all watch as the first step disappears underneath the rising water and is overtaken by eels. Next in the order is Rictus. I want to target where step four... Yes, where Hippopotamus is standing. Yeah, right next... Like where the step is attached to the center pillar. Yeah. With a thunder damage chromatic orb at level two. Okay. Okay, read me the description of Chromatic Orb, if you would. You hurl a four-inch diameter sphere of energy at a creature. Oh, I guess it's not a creature. Tell me what you're trying to accomplish here. I'm trying to blast the step loose from the wall. Okay, I will allow this to happen. These steps are extremely sturdy, and so I'm trying to remember the term for it in 5th edition. where an object is not invulnerable, but you have to deal a certain threshold of damage for it to have any effect at all. How thick is the slam? I mean, it's like a six-inch thick sort of. Oh, okay. I didn't realize it was so heavy. Okay, different idea. Okay. I'm going to cast Cause Fear at level two. And this is a new thing I got. because of the curse that I had and the death mark that was on me, I'm now shadow touched, which was the feat that I took at my last level up. Well, tell me what that means, Travis. It gave me some stuff. It looks like you have some extra spells like cause, fear, and the invisibility spell prepared. Yeah, because I'm not like a shadow touch. You know, the shadow. Yes. That's me. So you can cast each of these spells without expending a spell slot. Correct. Great. Does that, how does, but I assume it's still the same deal with the one person. So as long as cause fear, so unfortunately this is a target, a targeted spell. Yes, correct. But I'm not dealing damage. It's still, the terms of the challenge are as such that you cannot target. If this was like an area fear spell where you made everyone afraid in a certain range, then this might surprise you a lot of my shit is targeted spells what if you target the darkness just target the space directly above them just like right above okay I'm gonna dash up the stairs then okay cool so you first take your first six steps of movement the vines are going to require double so that's two four four, five, six, bringing it to 11. And then... Did Tommy and them rotate down or does it stop? They already did rotate down. They were higher up. They moved three steps down already. I got everyone, don't worry. Okay. And then you're gonna keep rocking. So now that I'm up here? Yes. You have made it to where you are right now without dashing. Oh, okay, great. I'm gonna try to... Push Klaxon down the stairs. Okay, down the stairs or off of the edge of the stairs? Direction is important here. If you want to push him down the stairs or take a tumble down the stairs, that's one thing. If you want to push him off the edge, down over the side and downward, that is, you can do that too. How sturdy does he look? I mean, he is a metal construct. So he looks somewhat sturdy, but also at the same time, maybe not the strongest. There's a heaviness there that is suggested, but not a strength because he is made of, you know, kind of reedy brass piping and stuff. Oh, wait, actually, I want to grab the disc that Tommy is floating on. Oh, amazing. Okay, yes, he has Tintzer's floating disc. You're going to just grab onto it? Are you skitching Yeah I going to grab onto it I don know how high he is but I want to have a hold on it Tenser floating So try to slow him down Yeah that great Tenser floating disc floats three Oh, okay, so it floats three feet above the ground. So, I mean, he's on the next step, but you are able to grab onto it. It can hold up to 500 pounds. And- Well, if he goes, then he's taking me with him. Okay, why don't you make a- let me think what kind of check this would be just to see how good a grip you can get onto this magic flying skateboard. Can we see this going on? Yeah, I mean, you are close enough to see this going on. Give me just a... Am I in the room? He's doing all this. If there's any babes... Okay, we can actually only reference that. Yeah, if you say Tensor's floating disc one more time, you're going to have second virginity. TFT. TFT. TFT. You are able to grab onto it, Travis. It's just a question of how much of a grip you're going to be able to keep on it once Tommy starts moving. I really do like this move quite a bit. So just give me a strength check just to see how much you're able to hold onto them. While this strength check is happening with Travis. Yes, yes. We've referenced that thing now twice. Have you guys ever thought about how much actual play podcasting does owe to that one. Yes. Yeah. That one skit about the dangers of Dungeons and Dragons. It's like, it's just an expounded version of that. The entire genre is just based on this one skit. Entirely. Yeah. Okay. I got a seven, which isn't good. It is. It's not great. It is enough for you to hold up your own way, right? So like Tommy Falcon on his flying board. On his wonderful flying machine. On his wonderful flying machine is continuing to, you know, move upward as he does you you are able to uh grab onto it if he tries to shake you off it would not be super hard for him to do that but you can get you will get a little bit of extra movement here off of uh tommy's board if you so choose i'm drafting okay cool uh next in the order is scorpo um scorpo is going to uh take a shove action against the spider uh the spider is going to try to uh acrobat his way out of it uh which he does he is unsuccessful uh scorpo fails at that and is going to take his movement uh the spider's just going to punch him with his attack of opportunity here in retribution and Scorpio takes four points of bludgeoning damage. But he moves upward two, four, five, six, landing on the same step as Klaxon and Rictus Ravenwood. With three of you on these higher steps, you notice that the steps kind of like emerge outward further from the wall, the further down it goes. It is kind of cramped having three people on the same step up here. Well, I mean, technically I'm holding on to the hoverboard. Yes, absolutely. Next in the order is Klaxon. And you all watch as Klaxon takes one step forward. And on his second step forward, he places his metal foot on step number 13 here. And as he does, it turns into sand. It transmutes instantly before your eyes and clacks on just completely absentmindedly, steps forward and then falls 10 feet, coming down with a crash on the ground next to Randolph, who looks down at him and kind of chuckles knowingly. As that happens and this trap that you're not sure when it appeared was deployed, you see the sand reform back into a step. Klaxon takes six points of bludgeoning damage and is prone on step number three close to the rising waters. Rhyme is actually going to step forward towards this red exclamation point glyph. Helgramit and Lorvith, you are right next to Rhyme as this happens. You watch as Rhyme puts their hands up against the glyph and you see this same kind of magical exchange happen where they are channeling some of their own arcane energy into this rune in the tower and And you see no effect that you can tell on the tower as they do this. But they are then going to take a step upwards and stop on spot number nine there. Most of the other folks here in the order are going to just try and get some distance from this water in a sort of reactionary, fearful response to watching Snugjaw be torn apart. Tommy Falcon is going to move and I'm going to say because this trap has been deployed there is not any danger really to you, Rictus so you are going to be pulled alongside Tommy looks down at you and says Hey, what the hell, man? You could at least ask first I don't mind giving folks a lift, but damn Thanks, dude Sorry, it was kind of a panic response Yeah, sure, I get it It's scary stuff, man Tommy Falcon You seem nice Yeah I guess Thank you He is going to Move up To Spot number 18 I think that's as far as he's gonna be able to move Actually with you hanging on to his ass With that he says Griffin please I'm not hanging on to his ass Hey can you please Will you please let go Oh sure You seem cool. Do you let go? Yeah. Yes, nice. Okay, great. Okay, you have disengaged from the board, but you have moved up. Extra space is up to spot number 18. So Randolph is going to move his few spaces here. Klaxon is prone, so he can't take a sort of retaliatory attack. But Randolph is lagging behind because he is not moving very quickly. Hippocrates is going to move up. Do the people that he passes get opportunity attack? If you want to use your reaction to place an attack or a shove or whatever against people who are moving past you, please holler and say so. Placement on the tower, again, is important, right? So Hippocrates is kind of on the inside track here. You wouldn't be able to necessarily shove him off, but Hippocrates moves up there. And you see Hippocrates move up to step number eight. and then Hippocrates casts Misty Step, is going to teleport up to 30 feet to an unoccupied space that he can see. That doesn't mean he can go to the very top of the tower because of the way that this spiral staircase is laid out, but he is able to Misty Step basically to the spot directly above, which is where Rictus and Tommy Falcon are placed. You see all of a sudden, this plague doctor just appears in a cloud of mist directly next to you. Can I use my reaction to shove him? No, because he has not moved out of the space. That is how opportunity... I know, I just got surprised. Yeah. You can use your reaction to just be startled. It's fight, flight, or shove. Yeah. Duber Sweetleaf is up next. Duber is going to go one, two, three. Four, five. Oh, God. Someone's making a scary red triangle on the map. I'll take care of it. Hey, fucking give me my triangle back, dick. I'm trying to do measurements over here. Duber Sweetleaf is going to cast Burning Hands to shoot forth a 15-foot cone, actually from the tip of his pipe. He is actually going to do it right here, and he's going to blast it towards the vines and towards Rhyme. Rhyme is going to fail their dexterity saving throw and is going to take quite a bit of damage here. 3d6. Okay, nine points of fire damage. In addition, these vines that have been covering the stairs are burned away as Duper Sweetleaf melts them with his powerful magics. so those vines are now gone okay uh next in the order is the spider the spider get this cast spider climb jumps onto the pillar starts to climb straight uh straight upward now it's not like a great solution because he can't climb upward through the stairs but he is able to sort of like climb clockwise around the tower not stepping on any of these i think he saw what happened to Klaxon and is like, fuck that. So he's just not gonna go on the steps anymore. So he's just kind of like holding onto the wall here at step number 12, moving us to Loraveth. Your turn. All right, I'm gonna bound up as many stairs as I can. Okay. One, two, three. When I pass step seven, I whisper, close your eyes. Okay, you pass by Duber, Sweetleaf, and Randolph, wanting them to close their eyes. Step eight, step nine. You are, as you land on the same step as Rhyme, they look at you and just through their, like, give me an insight check, actually. Okay. Four. They look at you in a somewhat sort of inscrutable manner. Last time you saw Rhyme, it was when you killed all of Rhyme's friends. or led to the sometimes accidental deaths of Rhyme's friends in the trial of abjuration. You know there's beef there, but Rhyme is giving you a look that you cannot quite interpret. Okay. You still have movement. You were on step five, so you can keep rocking up if you want to. Okay. I look at Rhyme and Rhyme looks at me and I say, watch this. I keep going up Okay Make a dexterity saving throw for me please Okay No it's a natural 20 Holy shit You are a very very fortunate man Justin with that natural 20 You take a step forwards On to step number 10 As you place Griffin if there's one thing I believe It's this Gary loves a bold player Gary does love a bold player Gary loves a ball player. That's true. As you take a step forward, you feel, and it is, I think, of your mountaineering nature, right? You know how to scale craggy cliffs. You know what it feels like when your footfall doesn't land exactly how you expected it to. You take a step forward instantly. As soon as your foot touches the surface of this step, you realize something is wrong. and you do not allow yourself to fall through as it also disintegrates into quicksand beneath your feet. Instead, you go into a controlled fall using your tremendous height to reach forward and catch yourself on step number 11. And in a physics defying forward roll, you step directly over the trapped stare that Rhyme had set for you. Instantly, the neurons fire, and you connect that Rhyme was pretty excited for you to take a step onto this step number 10, where they had channeled this trap. However, you foil their plan, and you hear a scream of impotent rage coming from behind Rhyme's mask as you land safely next to Scorpo. It is still your move action. Actually, that is the end of your move action. You have your regular action. And instantly the step reforms and step number 10 is returned to its normal state. So what step is Rhyme? You are on step number 11 next to Scorpo. Rhyme is still on step number 9. You have your action. You could dash or do whatever else you would like. It's your prerogative. I'm having trouble. This has become a three-dimensional issue. Yes, we're playing Hyper Chef. This is what I'm trying to solve. Yeah. Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to do... What I'm doing, Griff, is I'm going to cast Color Spray. Oh, cool. What does Color Spray do? You launch a dazzling array of flashing, colorful light. Each creature in a 15-foot cone originating from you must succeed on a Constitution saving throw or have the blinded condition until the end of your next turn. Okay, so you're just aiming this squarely at Rhyme? Are you trying to catch Scorpo in it, too? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm trying to catch the highest number of people possible. but I can't do those calculations when I'm splitting. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right, I feel you. So there's an artificial split in our diagram. So you can see, Rhyme is two steps below you, right? You are essentially here, but like 10 feet up, right? So like you could see Rhyme very clearly. They are just two steps behind you. You could aim this at Rhyme. You could also hit Scorpo with it. These three, Tommy Falcon, Hippocrates, Rictus, they are all, you know, way, fairly high up above you. So with your 15-foot cone, you could get Scorpon Rhyme or Scorpon Spider. And that is pretty much all you can get. Yeah, well, if that's the situation I've changed from mine in the cone, instead it's going to be one of Burning Hands. Okay, great. And I'm going to cast a 15-foot cone just at Rhyme. Yeah, cool. And Rhyme's got to do a Dexterity saving throw. Yeah, again, Rhyme. I'm just gonna roll a dexterity. And I'm gonna cast, and now since we can only cast it, are we doing spell levels or slots, or is it one per, like, can I cast this at the second level? Yes, if you want to cast it at a higher level, you can absolutely do that, but it is still like your only use of Burning Hands that you have available. Gotcha, well, I'm gonna keep it at a first level. Okay. Cool, they rolled a two on their dexterity, so that's not gonna hit. and that's six damage. Okay, Rhyme already took some damage from Duber Sweetleaf's spell, which looked quite similar to the Burning Hands you just cast. Obviously, there was a different kind of visual effect to it. It wasn't explicitly the same exact thing. Rhyme is bloodied. uh rime is having a uh a very very difficult time now getting up these stairs uh okay uh and that brings us to uh hell grandma how how big are the steps dimension wise i mean yeah i mean they are you know roughly four feet across and then moving from one step to the another another is maybe like one one foot of height total so the steps are like six six inches high about four feet across Okay. Helgramet's going to use his motion to get as far as he can. Okay. So that moves you up to step number 11 with Lore of Eth and Scorpo. Okay. That's just your move. And he is going to cast Obscure Object. An object you can see within range becomes invisible until the spell ends. The object can be no longer than a five-foot cube, and it can't be worn by a creature. So basically what he's doing is I want him to cast it on 10 and 11. Okay, so the object can be no longer – larger than a five-foot cube. I think you can get one step with this, right? If it's in a five – a five-foot cube would get you one step. Also, like, these steps are separate objects technically. Okay. So you're more than welcome to do this. Then he's just going to cast it on 10 to make 10 invisible. Okay. Weird. Awesome. Cool. Instantly, Rime looks in front of them. Rime, who is kind of, like, looking a little bit worse for wear, looks down at 10 and then looks at sort of the gulf above you all and looks very, very nervous about this sudden development. Okay. That's it for Hellcramit. Okay, cool. That brings us back to the top of the order. With that, the waters are going to rise once again. Aww. Goodbye, Klaxoom. Step two has been overtaken by water, and everybody is going to be pulled down three steps. As that happens, Randolph and Duper Sweetleaf go down. Rhyme goes down. uh, Scorpio and Laura Vith and. Now spiders on the wall. Oh, you're so right. Travis. Where was he? He was on 12. Yes. He does not move at all. Thank you so much for clocking that Travis. Uh, Hippocrates, Rictus, Tommy down to 15. Okay. Everyone moves down. The waters rise up and Klaxon, who was prone on step three after falling through the trap set by Randolph, is pulled down under the waters. And immediately you see these eels converge on Klaxon. Klaxon being a kind of metallic construct, you see the eels maybe don't exactly know what to do with him, but they are still going to swarm and attack him. Anyway, he takes 17 points of damage. and for a moment you see just kind of like these this loose machinery uh floating in the water you think like oh damn that's just scrap and then you see fucking terminator 2 style a single metallic hand punch its way out of the eel pile as klaxon drags himself up onto step number three leaking oil, making horrible grinding noises as half of his machinery he leaves behind him floating in the water as the stairs continue to turn ever downward. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.