Porsha Williams Says Embracing Reinvention After Motherhood Saved Her Life

This is an I Heart podcast guaranteed human. So yeah, I have disrupted things, but it's like you stand in the middle of a tornado and I'm smiling. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, y'all go crazy. But I feel amazing. You know what I'm saying? I feel good. And, um, and that is the beautiful way to say that. Yeah. Like, there's a tornado. You y'all could have a tornado all y'all want. Swirl on. Like, but I'm just smiling inside the tornado. And guess what's the situation? We'll calm down and then people will look back and say, wow, that's actually pretty inspiring that she just went for it like that. Thanks for watching guys. Today's episode is brought to you by Boost Mobile. Today's guest is a cultural force who turned reality TV into a launch pad for reinvention. She's an entrepreneur, activist, media personality. She builds brands. I could already tell she is a girls girl. I'm going to tell you the story about that after she built brands like pampered by Porsche. She's in the upcoming season of Real Housewives of Atlanta, entrators, a mother of boss. Please welcome Porsche Williams to the show today. Yeah. I'm a lot of audience. I'm going to say, you know what I mean? That doesn't require it. I love it. It do require it. No, it does get quiet. But for the initial welcome, we want you to feel the energy. I love you. Thank you. I'm so glad to be here. I'm happy to have you, baby. How are you? I'm doing good. I could already tell you a girls girl because I was like, oh my God, I like these earrings so much. You took the thing off to get me the name and that was like, I'm going to get you a pair. That's right. I do not get heat. That is girls girls activity. I'm like that. I'm like, because if I ask you, I want you to tell me, and I want to send you the link and everything actually. I'll take it though. I'll take it like this. I'll take this. Yeah, do that. I'll actually do that. How are you, baby? And what's happened? What season of your life, not your, not the reality show? What season of your life are you in right now? What season of my life am I in? I would say the true is season. The true is. I, I fought to get to where I am. And I really can appreciate what I've been through. I can appreciate where I'm standing right now and who I am and how I am handling and living my life. How I'm really truly living and loving life right now. What is the difference though? Like in the everydayness of it, what is the difference? The difference in the everydayness is I have boundaries. And loving boundaries, you know, I'm not like walking around like some mean, you know, person every day. But healthy boundaries are good to say, you know, not just in business, just in everyday life with friendships, with relationships. Did you not have the best of work? I didn't always practice that. No, I really didn't. I, you know, would do whatever to keep the peace or compromise myself in a lot of different situations, but I found a healthy balance. You know what I mean? I feel like when you first start to practice having boundaries and protecting yourself, you do a little too much. The end of center by yourself because it's like you don't push everybody. You know what I'm saying? You isolate. You don't isolate a little bit too much. Now, I have isolated, but I have learned to discern the right people to let back around me, the right situations. There are opportunities and I don't know. I trust myself a lot more now. Like, you know, in your 40s, I really know what I want and don't want. And I'm quick to say yes to what I do want and quick to say no, which is not something that I was used to do. Yeah, I think it takes women some time. I think a couple of days, I think people pleasing sometimes puts our boundaries at risk. And then also like not even knowing ourselves or not trusting ourselves. Right. Not trusting. Not trusting ourselves. And also in the past seeing yourself through other people's eyes, trusting other people's opinion for your life or for them telling you who you are better than yourself. Yeah. And you know, I feel like every mistake has just been a learning opportunity. Like I live by no, no mistakes lessons learned. You know what it mean for me. And so at this point, you forgive yourself. You celebrate yourself. And I take moments, I take real life snapshots of things that happen to me. If I'm around my mother and we're having a good day and we're talking about something and I'm just like, I pause and I take it in. Because as a single mom who works all the time and you know, trying to build an empire and do all these multifaceted different things, life will just pass you by. You miss it. And you don't appreciate the small things. Yeah. So there's times when I'm just sitting there with my daughter and watching TV and I just give her extra snuggle and I take a snapshot. And I keep that for myself and I'm so glad that I've learned to slow down when I needed to. Snapshots are good. Snapshots are real good. Yeah. Because you have them forever. And then you have them in the bad moments when you're down and you need them, they're there. Yeah. And you can go back to those moments. I feel like in my life, when I've had trauma, I can go back to those moments like that. But when there's been good things that happen, I don't because I don't say for those moments. I just say, oh, I did good or this is a good moment. I just keep on going, trying to get the next good moment or the next thing that I have to do. You rush long past things that you should celebrate and things that really feel good to you. Where is now I say everything. So when I do have like a tough day, I'm like, oh, I know what I need. I need you, PJ to come here and let's just cook together. I need us to just cuddle together. I need to call my mom. I need to call my friend. I need to go have a drink. So when you have higher in your mind, the positive and the things that calm your nervous system, as opposed to always going back and reliant to trauma to help you push through, then it's better for me. So much better. It's so much better. What is like, when you're thinking about your life and looking at the resume and stuff, like what is how many years, 12, 13 years in reality? Yeah. I think it's over a decade. Yeah, it's probably 11. Yeah, how does that shape your view of yourself, your view of the work? Because at first, you're performing, right? So you probably don't even get it. But then it starts, it's like a mirror back to you. Right. And then what people think of you is another mirror back to you. Right. And then I can imagine that that almost informs if you're not strong and you're not mindful, it could inform how you see yourself. Sure. Right. Um, for me, it was, I really had to figure it out. Because I was, I, people pleased to get used to much, but I was a type of person where, um, with men and different situations as I was growing up, every, other things are more important than what I was doing in my life. You know, hence my first marriage, you know, I own businesses. I was very successful. I own property. But when I got married, it was like, oh, no, let me go do this. Let me go be a wife and let everything that I had worked for go. So my self-worth was really somewhere else other than with me. And, and I did see myself through other people's eyes, mostly, you know, men or a job or whoever would like me at the time. And so in reality, TV, I was so naive and just thinking, oh, I'm just going to get on TV and I want to show my beautiful life and, you know, my perfect marriage and, um, my thing. Yeah. And, you know, in your real life, who walks up to you and says they don't like you? Who walks up to you and judges you? No one. It really was a shock like, oh, my God, like someone is really taken to heart that I said something silly, like they're really judging me off of that or whatever. And it took a moment for me not to read the comments and just kind of frame myself as this character that everybody was making me into. Because reality TV is going to sensationalize the part that's entertaining. For me, I'm super goofy. I'm like, down home country, I say funny things, even on purpose to make people laugh. But on TV, it just made me into like a particular box. And so over the years, I realized that the only way this is where I am now doing the show and I'm back. The only way that I can do it is really be just me. I have to stand on everything. You can't, nobody can give me a storyline. Nobody can tell me what to say. Nobody can do any of that. It literally has to be how I feel and the cameras are just watching me live my life. And with being in that way, I don't care what anybody has to say. I don't care. Well, no, I commented things like that. They don't bother me at all. Because a lot of times you're only seeing, again, back to a snapshot. You've seen a piece of my life. Or you're seeing the beginning of a story and you have to let things play out. And so I am now a very confident person because at the end of the day, I know everything's going to work out for my good. I know I move with love. I'm not trying to hurt anybody. Will I still make mistakes? Hell yeah. Like, of course, I'll still make mistakes. But it's nothing that I'm trying to hurt anybody. It's nothing that I can't take accountability for. And so when you live that kind of life, at this point, I want to say this season for me, it was one of the best. It was? It was. Yeah, it really was. You were free, right? Or are you? Yes. And I'm very direct. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I've become a very up front person. And because that's what I want back, I think when you... Oh my God, it's so much easier. It's so much easier. When you have people who've been here in life who you felt were not direct with you, lied to you, were not loyal to you, et cetera, me, I want people to reciprocate it. So if I want you to reciprocate it, I got to give it to you. If I'm going to expect you to always be honest with me and tell me if I've bothered you about done something, if we have issue or whatever, then I need to do the same with you. So it's uncomfortable with the new relationships that I have with friends and things, but it's a true relationship. Like, you already know this is how I am in a relationship. This is how I friend and you know, you're like that you don't. But at least you can make a choice based on something real. You can make a choice based on something real, exactly. And really, I used to not want to be around people who are like I am now because, you know, you kind of like people back in the... I used to like people just go along and get along and have a good time. But no, you have to have tougher conversations to really like build a good foundation with people. So I'm very intentional now. Yeah. What makes a good friend? Well, I could just speak from where I am. I don't have a lot of friends because I'm not that trusting and I've been through some traumatic things in friendships, things that I've caused, things that people have done to me. So for me, it's just a person who understands how I am and I understand how they are. If you're not this type of person who needs to see me every week or talk every day on the phone, then that's cool. But when I see you, I love you. I miss you. It's like we never skip time. Those type of people who allow other friends to live life, but you're still there for them when they need them, that's a real friend. That's the type of... That's the only kind of friend that I can have because I'm busy living life and I'm busy trying to survive out here. Yeah, it shouldn't be like another responsibility. Yeah, like another job. Yeah, those people who you call and it's like, oh, I haven't heard from you or I was trying to call you or I was, hey, what's up? How you been? You're fine. You're good. Like, you know what I'm saying? Do you need anything? What you working on? Yeah. That those are the... Because life is life and for a lot of people. It is. You never know what people are dealing with. I mean, I dress up and put on makeup and a wig every day and every day is not glamorous for me. Every day is not the best day. So when you meet someone, you really want to check on them where they are right then. Don't go badger them because you have them on to them. Yeah, it's a waste of time. It's a waste of time. You don't waste 10 minutes at a phone call and now I actually wouldn't get off. And now I gotta go. Yeah, now I gotta go. You take off like me, Jay. You know, like, yeah. You're so funny. You're so funny. You're so funny. So what about in this... So there's a new season. Yeah. And new and the Trader show. So you have how many jobs? How many jobs do you have? You have the projects. Yes, I have. The projects. Yeah. Projects, the products. Projects, the products. Projects, the projects. Projects, products. That's true, actually. You got a new boo. You got a... Okay, look at all of them. You got to have your hand and everything. You know, for me being... I didn't just want to be known as a reality star. I didn't want to be the top of my reality TV world. But outside of that, I want to feel my own brand. Yeah. So I've always been a business woman. So I had to be able to monetize all of this fame and people paying me attention and wanting to purchase something from me. So I started Pepper by Portia Sheets. And I started from my mom. She actually hooked me up with the vendor. And I started because the line of sheets feel just like the sheet she had on her bed. And I used to love being my mommy's bed. So they really, when people say, I love the sheets are so soft. I'm like, I know, I know. They're a part of home for me. And then I started going naked hair after my first divorce because I just lost my self confidence totally. And I used hair to express myself to like fake it till you make it, if you will. You know what I'm saying? Like, if I needed to handle business, I'm putting on a bob. If I need curly hair, I want to feel fun and free. I put on my curly wig. So to me, we women, we express ourselves through hair. And so that's how go naked started. And then, you know, housewives of course, and then traders was really fun. That's a super huge show that I didn't really know what to expect when I got there. But a lot of people when you watch the show, you get immersed into it like the mystery of it all. But it's very intense and actually doing the show. I bet. Yeah, it's very intense because you're in situations to where you're having to prove yourself and convince people that you think should automatically believe you. Yeah. And it's like, what? You know, I didn't say that or do that or this. So, yeah. So traders was fun. Yeah. Traders was fun. And then I'm also doing a podcast with my sister. And of course, yes, yes, yes. So that's we'll be starting that in the new year. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. The latest full. Yeah. And then two other shows that are coming up. But yeah, I try to stay busy. But to be honest with you, as busy as I am, I decided before I retired from housewives before. I took a, took a hiatus that I was going to have blocks of time in there for my family. So even though it seems like I'm always busy, I do still have a lot of downtime. You schedule it out. I schedule it out. It's priority. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm priority. Yeah. We don't forget that. We don't, we forget that. I do it too. And then I wait some all the way beat down. So I'm like, I need a brand. I need a brand. Yeah. You know, we have managers. We have people who handle things for us. But you have to have your best interest in handle yourself. Yeah. And you have to say, you know what? Okay, I've been going, going, going for a two week straight. No, no, no, no, I need this whole weekend or I need this whole half a week. And I'll let you know when I'm ready to work again. You got to do that. Yeah. I was seeing something about some of the stereotypes of reality. And then also like how different reality personalities are treated versus how others are treated. You've been able to kind of like push past that with that. Maybe just because of your business and your personality. Why do you think that is? What do you attribute that to you being able to kind of like push past where some people get stuck? Well, reality TV is 100% entertainment. 100%. There are feel good moments. There's things that you can relate to. That's why we all watch it, right? Yeah. But at the end of the day, people like to put it in its own box and the people who are on it. Yeah. But at the same time, everybody, if they had the opportunity to be on reality TV show, they would want to be on it. They would want to do exactly what we're doing. Yeah. But it's kind of fun to poke fun at the people who are doing it. It's like an easy target. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, sharing my life and I'm making mistakes and I'm going through different things. And it's easier to point and judge it. But if we put a camera on you and what you're doing in your life, how would that feel? Yeah. Um, so for me, I don't really think too heavy on what box reality TV puts me in because I'm Porsche. And I do many, many different things. I've hosted TV shows before. I've done a lot of different things. So I feel like when you are talented and you can kind of branch out, then it helps you come out of that box. Like you can have fans and supporters in different places. Yeah. And most of all, own what you do. You know, I think a lot of times people judge reality stars like they're just silly or whatever. Which sometimes just we are. Okay. I think the funniest and silliest one. Yeah. I respect what it is. I respect that I am sharing my life and that a lot of women that I meet can relate to me. They talk to me about different things that I've been through and they match it and how I've helped them by telling my story or showing something that normally somebody wouldn't want to talk about that's embarrassing. So I lean into it. You know, even if I am dating someone, you know, you have to come into it with confidence because people will make you feel like, oh, you're doing that show. No. I do this show. Yes, I'm a reality star. And this is what we do. And this is how I use my platform. And these are the things that have I've been offended from it. So yeah, I just lean. Have you ever been in a situation where somebody didn't want to be part of that world, but wanted to be part of your world privately? Yeah. 100%. Yeah. 100%. Like even in dating, I would imagine. Yeah. I would go for a long time after my first divorce and I want to go see a dating. You did matchmaker. And a lot of the matches, once they realized that I was on a reality show, they didn't want to match. Wow. Yeah. And it wasn't you like them filming. Was you feel away about it? I felt like even though you would think that my pool of dating is huge is really not. I mean, once you take out the cheaters and, you know, the people who just are horrible at relationships and the people who don't want to be a part of reality. Who have issues and trauma. Yeah. It's very, it's a very, very, very small dating pool. And then also you have to think about if someone is dating you and you're in the public eye at all, you know, are they an opportunist? Right. Something that they want from you. They want to use that. So it's, it can be really tough to try to decide how you're going to maneuver that. Yeah. You ever notice how everything keeps going up. I mean, rent is going up. Streaming services are going up, even like your favorite burrito place. All of a sudden, I want to charge you for salsa. You're going to the supermarket. They want to charge you extra for the bag. It's kind of crazy out here. The good thing is with boost mobile, you and your phone bill do not have to play that game. You don't have to play the will this go up soon game. Why? Because boost mobile has an unlimited talk, text and data plan at a price that will never go up. In fact, it's the same price you'll pay for life. So switching out to unlimited wireless at a price that will never go up only at boost mobile. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the boost mobile unlimited plan. And so how have you done it? How have you managed it? Or were the tricks that you have to learn? I think that I'm still learning. For sure. And I really try to make sure that someone has their own. Like, you know what I mean? I don't think that I can really speak on that because I thought I had it figured out with my last situation. But I didn't. I thought that fame and social media will be the last thing that someone will be a part of who I chose. And it was absolutely the number one thing that they wanted. No. So, you know, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, and so once I realized that I was like, well, hell, you know, okay, I guess you just don't know. You just never know. Yeah. So for me, I just go off of what I feel, you know, and I try to, even though I do, and as much as I say, I'm going to keep my relationship, my relationship private. Yeah, right. You're right. You're too hard to do. For me, number one, just as who I am, when I am in, when I'm happy, I want to express that I'm happy. Like I'm just, I show it. You're so, you're open book. That was a little time. Yeah. And so I want to express it. And then of course, not only do I want to express it, there's a mic in my face asking me about it. No. Also, you're trying to keep. You're trying it out though. You're trying to keep. We are trying to. Your new situation. Yeah. I'm learning that. I'm private as possible. Yeah. I get that. Yes. I mean, you know, I have some old habits, which is, I love out loud. You know, and I am living in my truth and I'm open with where I am in my life, you know, but that doesn't mean you should be dragging someone else into. Into all your world, you know, so I especially want to still temporary kind of new when you're still trying to figure it out. Yeah, exactly. But you do make headlines when you were married to, to Mattin, and then you date a woman, that's going to automatically. That's going to automatically. All the managers and people got questions for sure. No. I'm not lying when I say I really thought it was the worst kept secret. Um, but I think seeing me. You say you thought it was the worst kept secret? Yeah, I mean, because over the years, I have definitely spoke about dating. You know, not dating women, but, you know, being with women before. Yeah. But dating is different. Dating. I've never. Have you never dated women? No, I've never. So before it was like experimental or just. Exploring. Exploring. Exploring. Exploration. Exploration. Yeah. I'm just exploring all parts of who I am. Yeah. And I, you know, I know people are like, oh, you know, she shouldn't. Why? This is my life. And people ask me questions again. I am not going to feel ashamed of how I feel or this point in my life. It doesn't mean that anything in my past wasn't real. It just means this is also another part of who I am. It's so funny. People in my comments are like, she's lived nine lives. And it's so funny because my family, we've said that I have. And I don't think that there's an issue with you reinventing yourself. I don't think there's an issue with you exploring a different side of who you are. I think in my world, I have been beat down enough for who I am to the point where I don't care what anybody has to say. And so I'm just not going to hide anything. You know, I am going to try to be private moving forward. Right. Yeah. A detail and things like that. But I'm more interested. I thought it was ever writing for me to live out loud. More so than the details of this relationship or any relationship. But I think it's, I don't know. I think it's, it's like kind of inspiring that you don't have fear. Like you said, you've never dated a woman before. The fact that you're freely open to that and then open to letting people see that you're doing that is interesting. It wasn't as easy after the aftermath. It wasn't as easy. What do you mean? People's opinions. Me being a spontaneous person and, you know, really into someone and wanting to share it. And yes, this is brand new. Portia is dating a woman. Yes, that is something that shocked everyone. And as I was doing it felt natural to me. It felt like a natural transition. It's my real life. It's how I feel. And I'm really into this person. However, I then just had to kind of. I really think about what was actually happening. I had to take a step back and say, wow, like, you know, I introduced my family. And then it's people with the labels. And it's like, oh, she's coming out. And she's this and this label and that I'm like, well, I just think I'm just me. I am just showing and operating in another side of me. So I don't really have that need to want to label anything at all. I just made a joke and I'm like, I'm just Portia sexual. I am just. I'm just Portia sexual. I am comfortable. And, you know, I really wasn't so much about freedom. It is absolutely a freedom. Especially when you have your family support, for sure. I think if my family were side eyeing me and different things like that, it would have felt. Been more of a coming out. A hard luck coming out story of some other, some other people have experienced. And it's not just for me, the support, and just the love of knowing that if I'm happy, they're happy. And I think that's how this transition has happened. It hasn't felt like some huge change going on. It's natural to you. It's very natural. And to me, I'm also attracted to the person. It really wasn't about her being a woman, although she isn't absolutely gorgeous, beautiful woman. It really was not there. You're trying not to talk about her, but you can't even help it. about her being a woman, although she isn't absolutely gorgeous, beautiful woman. Um, you try not to talk about her, but you can't even help it. Look at you. Look at you. Look at you. I'm trying not to. But you know what I mean? And you can't even help it. I know. I know. And this is how I am. I'm a lover girl. I am such a lover girl. And I was alone for a while. You know what I mean? I mean, I know that people are like, oh, this is when she filed and this is this. But you know, you feel alone way before. And you actually vow and you leave. And then you go through this long, hard, lonely, stressful divorce and then all of that. And honestly, I was so numb for so long that I just didn't know if I was going to be able to feel like this the same way I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it back to Portia. And that's why I celebrate myself right now. And I really don't have a mind or space to think about anybody else's opinion or anything, because I fought hard to be here. Like ending this year, people talk to me and I'm like, I'm just glad to be in my right mind. Like people don't know how much you deal with in life. And of course. And yeah, they have no idea. And me in this industry, I always have to pretty it up, right? Who wants to be on somebody's Instagram? And then looking like, you know, what was me at every moment? So it's my job to put on a wig and lashes and do my job and look good. But it's also my job to take care of Portia. And thank God that I am where I am. So just as thankful as I am to be back and feel like I can really have a good, good laugh again. For you. Really hug my daughter and feel her energy again. Really appreciate family again. It's the same way I'm happy that I actually have butterflies again. And I can feel, you know, I'm so excited about someone again. That those two things is something that I really do chairs right now for sure. That's beautiful. Yeah. There's so many women that, oh, men too. People go through divorce and it hits hard for people. Yeah. What was the, and you have to, like you say, put your lashes on in your wig on. But what was that moment like? And then how do you pick yourself back up? What is the dark moment feel like? And I don't know for you, what was that experience? You know, I want to say is, you know, I don't want to talk much about him because it just spits up so much. But I can speak about my experience and what I feel like I lost. If you lose the future that you were working on, you lose like your biggest job on earth, your biggest blessing, the biggest thing that you're hoping for to happen for a long period of time. You lose that. And when it happens, it rocks your world. I mean, I truly identify as a wife when I am married. I really do. And I'm locked in and I want to give my all. I mean, I'm a cancer. I'm such a nurturer. Like I want to take care of everyone. And I especially want to take care of my family. And I want it to, I don't want to be successful like that. And also I'm very intentional. So each day, I want to make you happy. And I hope that you want to make me happy. And when those things break, suddenly the way I had to end it, it was devastating. But then I also had to pick the pieces up and it had to go to work. You know, you got to keep going. You got to keep going and going and going. And I reached a point where I realized like, if I just keep going, you may end up still successful. You may end up still finishing out everything that you're trying to do, but you're going to be empty. And you could possibly be bitter. And so I took time and I said, you know what? I'm going to start doing things for me. And I cut my days in half. And if I needed to stay in the bed all day and cry, if I needed to stay in the bed all day and watch TV or doom scroll or whatever, rotten bed, whatever was I would take those times and do it. If I had content I needed to do, I would load up two days and just, you know, two or three days and just kill it, kill it, kill it. And then make sure I had Saturday Sunday to do absolutely nothing to look like crap. You know what I'm saying? So I really had to figure out what I could do to put me first. And most of it was me praying and having to go into myself. I had to take accountability for my part, choices that I made. Ways, things that had, things that had shaped who I was in my past to make me choose that situation, make me ignore certain things. And when you take accountability from the very beginning and say, oh, this was a pattern. And you thought you could cover it up, what overdoing this or overdoing that or overcomplicating here and there. When you forgive yourself along the way and you really so search and decide, okay, I see where they could have gone wrong. Maybe I could have, maybe it's not so much as the other person, just you speaking up for yourself more. Hey, I don't think you really looked at me in my eyes in a while. Hey, I don't know if, I don't feel archaic connection. Just some of the things that you could do along the way, ask for what you need instead of trying to just please. And even though that doesn't sound like such a horrible thing in the end, it can be. Because you just end up a shadow, you just end up. Well, you said that. You said you always, you want to serve. You're like, you put so much into you want to be a great wife. Not you want somebody to be a great partner for you. Right. Which is a different. As long as it looked like a good partner for me, I was okay with it. Because then you get to be, you can be the good wife without receiving a good partner. And the long run, you're not gonna receive it in the long run. You're not, you're gonna have to pick someone who at the root and the base of who you are, they can appreciate that person without me coming in doing everything. I think men and some people they do love bomb, but I didn't realize I do it too. Like I'll come in and I want to be your everything. Like I mean, no, seriously, like I mean. You cater to you girl. You cater to you. Yes. But I also make sure it's reciprocated now. You know, make sure I'm feeling it back. Because I'll forget. And the thing I know I've over loved and I'm not receiving it back. The way I needed to be received back. And then what happens you get resentful or you get angry or you get, well, sad lonely. Like what? I get sad and lonely and I feel empty. And when you wake up and you have everything and you still feel empty, something isn't right. Life is too short. And I really truly think about life as being this one experience that God has given us. I don't know what's gonna happen when I leave this earth. But I do know right now I am blessed and I can be fulfilled. I have a beautiful daughter, beautiful mother, family, sister, everything. And I have one way to deal with it, one way to handle my life. And I gonna think about it and just think about what someone else wants and live a negative life glass half empty. Or am I gonna look at it and say, what can I do to own my world? What can I do? And if I do what I wanna do, will it shake something up? Yeah, but whatever shakes off, I didn't need it. I didn't need it. It's okay. You know what I mean? I didn't know what was gonna happen with me coming out. I didn't know if people were gonna accept it. I have her definitely received a lot of negative. Some negative. For sure, I definitely have. But that's okay. It's not the first. You put that in quotes, but that's the real thing I was thinking because we interviewed Janelle Monet on the podcast one time. And she was talking about the responsibility. It's all of a sudden it's like, if you date women or however you identify all of a sudden there's that you have to represent all of the community. Right. She was like, I don't know something about the label that can be overwhelming for people. Any label, I'm sure. Even when I was vegan, I mean, I was like, well, goodness. You're the vegan. I'm not living the vegan lifestyle. So you're not the vegan ambassador of the world. Yeah, I'm not, but you know, this is the position I'm in. Yeah. This is the platform I've been, platform I've been given and people do take it seriously. Yeah. So I would like my way to look how it is. And no, you may not be able to necessarily label it and that's okay. That's okay, everybody. But you can do the same thing. You don't have to label yourself either. We're all just the human race. Do you not want to figure it out? Do you not label yourself? Or do you label yourself? In which way? Just in terms of like sexuality or? Oh, no, I've never thought about it. It's not something that I necessarily thought about. You haven't thought about it at all. I love who I love. You know what I mean? And it wasn't something to think about because dating a woman is new to me. So it wasn't something I even had to deal with. No one. It seems like if you date race, you date, if you date black men your whole life and then all of a sudden at 40 years old, you're like, I'm gonna try dating this white guy. You gotta think about it. Like there is thoughts that like, this is gonna be different. I think Christmas dinner might feel different. You think more about it, right? You think more about the details. Yeah. But I was trying to not overthink it because I felt like if I were to overthink it, then I wouldn't go for it. I wouldn't allow myself to get to know something different. Yeah. And so you're just open. Yeah. And so I just decided to be open. I mean, I'm sitting in the passenger seat and car like, oh my gosh. I'm like, you're so funny. I'm dating her. I'm dating her. I'm so, look at her. I'm like, wow, you know, like you're so beautiful. You know, it's just, I don't know. That is so cute. It is. It is. And. And also there's a part of looking at someone who you match with or hoping I match before a long time, but I'm matching with now. You, when you see yourself in them, see that is calming. Like, it's a, she is a part of me. It's not like I'm dating someone who was born to me. I mean, I have our characteristics and things are very similar. Yeah. So, you know, it's the same thing with men. You know, I like a man who's like calm and very nurturing and very sweet because I can be calm, nurturing and sweet. I'm not gonna pick like an asshole. Yes. And so like, you know, when it comes to, sometimes we put them in there, they'll turn into it. Oh, baby, they'll turn into it. But I don't know. I just, I, we were very, very similar. Yeah. We were very, very similar. And I see that. You seem so happy. I am. You see now that that's great. Yeah, because guess what? You know, people live their life and they're really afraid to be who they are. They really are. I mean, think about it. Nobody, if my page was just calm, like the way it was before all of this, people rather stay right there where it's comfortable. And you end up living a comfortable life, but is it your true self? Is it where you really should be, where you're really gonna thrive? Maybe not. So yeah, I have disrupted things, but it's like me standing in the middle of a tornado and I'm smiling. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, you're all so crazy. But I feel amazing. You know what I'm saying? I feel good. And I feel the best. That is a beautiful way to say that. Yeah. Like, there's a tornado. Y'all could have a tornado all y'all want. Swirl on. Like, but I'm just smiling inside the tornado. And guess what? That's what the one will calm down. And then people will look back and say, wow, that's actually pretty inspiring that she just went for it like that. You know what I mean? I was gonna say that. That's inspiring to somebody who has to do something that might be against the grain in any way to what their community or whatever is. And what it's like, what do you, like you said, there's one life. What are you gonna do? Right. You know, waste your time making everybody feel comfortable and warm and fuzzy. Yeah. And again, I don't want to say her like I am the all knowing. The all knowing. I mean, it's still brand new to me. I'm still figuring everything out. But you are in your truth. I am. I am. And I think that's the best way to be. I just can't say enough. And people ask me a million questions about them. What about this and how's that part? Another. I don't. I don't know. Like, here's the thing. When you're dating, let's say a man, you don't know if it's gonna last. You don't know what's gonna happen in that relationship. Why do I have to have all the answers right now? Right now, yeah. Just enjoying. Like, just people are nosing and curious. Just people are nosing and curious. Yes, they're like, how? What's happening? I'm like, relax. Don't know, go. Like, it's on the internet. Okay. Like, look at it. I'm not the first. Okay. You are so funny. You are so funny. Today's show is brought to you by our new presenting sponsor, Hard Rock Bets. Okay, so Winters here is cold outside. And if you want to get in on the action, and you don't want to have to leave your house to get on the casino floor, you can do it, of course, right from the app and Hard Rock Bets got you. So if you're new, Jerry's your Michigan, check out Hard Rock Bets Casino app. It's got thousands of slots, Blackjack, all of your favorite games. They're all there. From the casino floor, they're all there, all of the top rated apps. 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And when you go through things like that, you kind of push it down. And I think that was a part of me when I first got married of just throwing that person away and putting myself worth only in my ex-husband. Because it was like, oh, I've been through all this. And yeah, I accomplished all this. And yes, I'm where I am. But you know what? It don't mean anything. What do you want me to be? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to live my life for you? And I don't even know. I don't even know. Where did you learn that? Learn what? Just to be that way. What, why did you think you had to? Well, when I was much younger, I was, I'm still an introvert. But I was very much an introvert when I was a child. To the point where I would just come home and be in my room every single day. And I would have my own show set up. I had like a whole table set up. I would gather things from around the house and have basically porches world, which is like a QBC. And so I would entertain myself every afternoon by myself. None of this surprises me. I was telling you, and like I actually do it for a living now, which is crazy. But yeah, I had my own TV show. But basically I was just, you know, very alone and isolated as a child. And then I also always dealt with depression throughout the years. And I don't think I truly understood that it was depression until I got, you know, much older. And so when I would feel vulnerable and have no self-worth and really when my depression showed up, I had zero hope. Like I would actually feel like the world is ending. And then you have someone who's looking at you and tell you're beautiful or you're this or you're that. Then you are like putty in their hands. And so I think that was the beginning of, I'll, people say people please them, but it was just like man please and at the time. And I would just do whatever. You found your worth in your male relationship. Yeah. And then the abuse, what happened, and then that takes so much from you. When you have a laugh. Because they prey on that type of personality, by the way. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, most of the time those are narcissists. Yeah. You know, you find yourself in those relationships. And when I was young, the bad part about it is when I would be abused by someone, I stayed. And I never really understood like, like I think when I, because when my 30 is stopped, after my wedding, my first marriage, I never got sexually abused again in my 30s, 40s, and nothing happened to be abused here. But it happened all through my 20s. And like why would I stay? Like what? Why do you think? What was missing in me to stay? And I don't know. I think it was just me wanting to be whatever that person wanted. And I just didn't have self-worth. So through the years, I have to take the time to look at what I've done and celebrate myself and put that on the side of myself worth. I am worthy. I'm worthy of someone to love me. I'm worthy of someone to respect me. I'm worthy of someone not to speak down on me or take from me in different situations. I'm worthy enough for you not to do that. All on my own. It's nothing that you need to give me or show me. I'm worthy of that on my own. So I always talk about having self-worth because when you don't have that, then that's when you fall prey to people who want to take advantage of you. For sure, that's when they swoop in. They swoop in. And it's usually when you're young and you haven't developed that kind of. Exactly. Yeah. And people, they can sense it. Yeah. They can sense it. It's so true. Did you get any, did you like when you were going through the depression? What was triggering the depression? Was it the view? So I went through depression. I went through depression, my, really my whole life. Yeah. And you're so like, I know. You're so just a bundle of joy and smiles. And it's just, those are some of the main ones. Yeah. I would have to say, really my whole life, I really have these bouts with depression. I have tried to commit suicide like twice. But I wanted to, that's why I really wanted a child. That's why I really wanted a needed polar. And that's why I called her my life saver. Because I knew if I had her, she would be what I would live for, my actual life saver. And she was. I have definitely dealt with depression after her, but I really pay attention to the triggers. And I really, when I can feel it coming on, I start to get, I start to move. What do I need to do? What is it? You don't just let it happen. No, no, no, no. Because when I lean into it, it's over with. Once I start closing the blinds, turning the phone off, TV's off, it's over with. The devil, your mind is speaking to you. And you will forget that you have a whole life that's abundant. You truly will. It doesn't matter that my mother and I are super close. It doesn't matter that my sister is there for me. It does not matter how many friends would like to lift me up. It doesn't matter. At that moment, your world is in that room, in that silent room, that silent dark room, that's it. So for me, when I feel a coming on, which like I said, it happens, still sometimes, I get up, you know what I mean? It's like, okay, let me go to the gym or something. Let me like, at least walk around the house. Let me get in the car. Like people see me and I'm like sitting at a restaurant by myself eating, just move around, do something. You cut it off at the path. I try to cut it off at the path. I really do. Have you done like, have you gotten help? You know, here's the thing. I, I did go to someone probably about, it was probably about maybe six months ago. Oh, recently. Yeah. Six or seven months ago. And now, now I have to say that I don't think it was just regular depression. I think it was hormonal. I was, that's what I was wondering. I got me the pre-menopausal. Because it was hitting me like a brick. Like I literally sat in her office that said, my quality of life is not where it needs to be right now. And so she talked to me and she said, you're like on this, you're like at a seven. So meaning like, if you didn't have the serenities that you have, you could probably be like a killer. But you could be like, you're on the same line as that. You're in danger mentally. And I left there and I was like, oh my god, like I knew it. Yeah, like I knew it. You know how I felt inside. You feel like empty, just lethargic. I could not move. You know, I'm just eating everything. And I was like, damn, are you serious? You mean this has come back and gotten on my back to where I could, you know, harm myself or something? And I just remember thinking, I'm not gonna let that happen. And I never went back to that particular doctor. And I just rebuked into the name Jesus. I just rebuked, rebuked. I said I rebuked. This is, this, I'm not going back there. Wow, I'm not going back there. I've done the work. I've done the work. And I know that I can pull myself out of this. And I went to another doctor and we talked about, you know, my age and different things, factoring things around it, things that I might have been deficient in. And she didn't diagnose me as being pre-medipausal, but she did say you need more vitamins. You know, you need some NAD. You need some testosterone. You know, it was a lot of different things health wise that I hadn't even thought about. Because when you go to your primary doctor, they're just doing the right, right? They're really not educated as they should be in pre-medipausal or manipausal. They're not. Overall, I didn't actually feel depressed. I just knew I couldn't move. And when I worked, I was only working and thinking about my bed. How can I get back to my bed? Like literally, I swear to God. Everything I did was to get right back home in my bed and shut that door. And I remember telling my, telling Dennis, my child's father, I remember crying to him in the car one day. And I said, I don't know what's going on. I said, but when I hugged Pilar, I can't feel it. And I was like, oh no. I was like, oh no, I can't let that happen. Because I always talk about my life experience, but what's most important to me is Pilar's life experience. And it's close to dying with my mother. And as much as I need her, I never want to not be here for her. So even though I don't know if I could put myself first for me, I could put myself first for her. And I can fight for me for her so that I can be here for her. And so after I admitted that to him, because you do have to end up saying it out loud. You do. Sometimes that's the hardest part. Yeah, it was hard to confide in him. It's hard for you to say it right now. Yeah, it is. And he, him being my co-parent, I knew I needed to tell him. Because we are her, her keepers. And so I admitted it to him. And I finally admitted it to my mom, which is also hard. Because my family was a very strong family. Mostly in black families, we don't admit things like this. We don't talk about it too much. When you're down. When you're down. Maybe like a sick. That was down last month. But I'm back up. But for me to admit it in real time, it was tough. And like I said, it just didn't look like it. You could look anywhere in my life or you would not see that I was sad or depressed or anything. But it was there. And they found it. And so like I said, I just went into heavy, heavy prayer. And I just really crawled and fought my way out of it. And I never, like I said, never got on the medication or anything like that. And I do feel much, much better. I definitely do. I have a new therapist now. And I tell her the truth, you know, because I was like, I don't like these therapists. Once I tell him, I tell my sister I said, every time I tell her the therapist the truth, they tell me I'm depressed. So I'm like, I'm going to be telling them everything. That's a free sleep or a good girl. You know, try to put me in the ward. But no, so this particular therapist, I told her the truth. And I've been talking to her. And she's like, you're good. I love the way you're handling things. We have rearranged and compartmentalized my life in the way that I can handle everything. I can see what I need to do. I have my big, big box for Portia. And it's filled. It's filled with everything that I need. And again, that's why people, they, and I say, oh, she said she's standing here. No, me standing in my truth is really me just really standing in my life, whatever that is. I deal with me positively. I do not talk bad on me at all. I mean, I actually set this on the other day. When those thoughts in my mind come, and I'm just thinking so negative, you know, I'm looking at me and I say, you can shut the fuck up. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, bro. I'm going to try that shit. Oh, you, you, you try that shit. I need that shit right now. You can shut the fuck up. Yeah, shut the fuck up because a person will be like, oh, you're an imposter. You're not really. I never told myself to shut the fuck up. Tell yourself and you're not really, you're telling that inner voice. Of course. That hates you. There's one that hates you. And there's of course God in you who loves you. And that's the one you should be really leaning into. But you got to that bitch and shut the fuck up. Because, are you the savior to me? I just woke up. I'll get your ass back in the day. Lazy ass. I just woke up high and I lazy. You can shut the fuck up. Fuck up. Life for real. And I swear to you, and I don't know what the magic is, but it works. It does. It works. I'm going to start that. That's going to be in my new, in my 2026. Okay. Pack. It's easy. It's my little bag. I'm going to put that in the 2026 bag. You can shut the fuck up right now. And look dead in that mirror. Pack. You bitch. You hear me? Yeah. And flip your hair and gong on about your damn dad. Because we have things to handle. We are here for a reason. We have a life to live. We have people to pour into. And if you're walking around and you letting that voice just tear you down, tear you down, you're not going to really live. Yeah. Go ahead, mom. Yeah. And while your daughter is your savior, because it was that low moment, that's the one that took you down. Even telling me this whole story today, that's the moment that is like the hardest for you to even see. Visit. Yeah. You can't think about, you know, I don't know. And I don't want to sound crazy. But when you have dealt with depression over your life, the thought of death is not that scary. It's just not, you know, I don't think about it like other people think about it. Maybe I'm a little morbid. Wow. Yeah, I have thought about it so much in my past when I was in my 20s and going through that, all those things I went through that I don't think about it the way other people do it. It's like, I'm really? Yeah, this experience is okay. But my daughter, I want to be here for her. I want to make sure that she has a loving mother and a protector. And then I'm here to witness her life and be there for her anytime she needs me. So being a mother has absolutely saved my life for sure. Wow. That's funny, because when we first launched this podcast, the first season was called, we're all gonna die. Ah! And everybody thought it was so dark and whatever. Yeah. But it really wasn't, a long time ago when we launched that I had a bad car accident and I had this realization like, shit, I could have been it. Yeah. And so, okay, so now I'm still here. Okay, what if I only have a year or whatever it is? Like, you don't know. But when you think about life and you remind yourself that we are, this is time is limited for everybody. But when you remind yourself that it forces you to make better decisions, it forces you to not waste your time doing shit you don't really want to do or having conversations you don't really give a shit about having. And it didn't matter what it's connected to. So like, a lot of people's driving force is money. Mm-hmm. You know, but I learned a long time ago, if you're doing something that is fulfilling to your spirit, then the money's gonna come. Mm-hmm. Okay, and maybe you didn't come in this one in this particular job or opportunity, right? Who knows if I don't make a lot of money in my podcast, I love to do it. It feels good to me to sit and talk to my sister and enjoy and share our life stories and funny things and antidotes. But over here, this job pays me money. So you still have to fill your life with things that are fulfilling to you. You cannot just work yourself to the bomb. For my name. Working a nine to five or whether you're on TV like me and you taking all these, it's all relative at the end of the day. Yeah. Yeah. So you have to do things that are fulfilling to you. You have to be around people who calm your nervous system. I don't care who you are. I don't care what the job is. If this interview was uncomfortable, I love you in respect you. I have to say respectfully, I'm gonna have to go. Because when my nervous system is not settled, something is not right. And I don't have to live like that. And you can decide to make that choice. If I'm in a relationship with someone, I let them. If I don't feel calm with you, then that means we're not vibrating on the same space. Our energies don't matter. And so I really, I put that anywhere I am. It doesn't matter in any situation. I like to protect my peace. Okay. As you should. I've got to protect my peace. I work hard for that bit of peace. And yes, I had that bit of peace. When I was in a relationship and that didn't last, but I learned and I felt what that felt like. And I'll never let it go again. And then, so how have the past shit, your life in the past six months is drastically shifted from where you were six months ago. Yeah. Like how, that's pretty fast. No, you don't have any remnants of it. Are you still kind of on the, do you still have feelings or concerns about any type of depression or those types of states coming back or you're just doing a day and time? Well, first of all, you have to try to identify what may be happening that's different for you. And as a woman, I can't just say, oh, I'm just a person who deals with depression. No, I'm also a woman who's 44 years old. Could it be paired menopause? You know, over my life, when you look at certain things, could I be ADHD? You know, like what other things can I find out about me? In order, just say, well, everyone else, and they had an issue like me, I'm a problem solver. If you came to me and you had an issue, you wanted to solve or you want to advise, I'm asking a million questions to get down to it. Well, we have some who just depression. No, it could be a chemical imbalance. Yeah. It could be a number of things. And, you know, I've gotten a couple diagnosis that have helped me be able to look at different triggers in my life, different things that I've done, things that I may need to change, maybe need more order in my life, I may need to clean my damn house up a little bit more, I may need to be more organized with my daughter so that I'm not rushing her and both stressed in the mornings. There's just a lot of little things. Once you find out how you operate and how you can make those small tweaks that can make your life better and like, de-stress you. So good. And so for me, with ADHD, it just really showed me, like, okay, this is how I think. Did you get diagnosed with ADHD too, yes? And so it's a matter of, okay, this is how I think. It's nothing wrong with how I think, but this is how I think this how I operate. ADHD probably makes for a great reality star. Well, here I am. It's probably, I am. I'm always like, oh, what made me like a star? Here we go. Because you have to be on, you have to have energy, like you have to be exciting to watch. Unpredictable. Unpredictable. I'm sure that has contributed to the success of your reality career. Yes, spontaneous. So it's a gift that occurs probably. It is, it is, but I, and I look at it now as a gift, you know, and I've found, I'm not medicated. What I take is L-thinning, which is really good. So anybody out there, I hope I can spread that message that L-thinning is amazing. Those voices that I told you we have to tell to be quiet. L-thinning just tells them to calm it down. It says shut the fuck up in the mirror. It goes in the system and tell everything to shut the fuck up. And it's amazing. And so it's, it's a way that like if I feel high stress or whatever, it just kind of comes to me. At least quiets me from overthinking, et cetera. Yeah, so amazing. And I'm learning more and more about it. You know, you start to go into research. You can find out. I love this journey for you. I love this whole journey. I love where you are. You know, it's great. I think, yes, I, well, I'm not going to ask you a bunch of personal questions, but I do, I really value, I think it's, I thank you for sharing what you did share today. Because I really think there is something to that, like not letting outside noise, outside opinions, out whatever, just kind of interfere with you finding or exploring. Who knows if this is your answer or not, but at least you're not afraid to see, to try to do a feels right now. And everybody's trying to figure it out. Yeah. Yeah, everybody's trying to figure it out. It's just a new cycle. It'll just be trending for like a week. It's okay, or we go to that. Yeah, it's not. It's not going to go to the phone down. You know what I mean? I got to think it, you know, some points us, you know, public figures we forget, you can put the phone down. Yeah. You can delete that app for a while. Yeah. It's okay. And they'll still say it and it's not going to affect you if you don't see it. You would never freaking know. It's not until I go to dinner with something like, oh, did you see this? I'm like, ah, you need to shut it to me. Like, I'm good. Let's just drink and enjoy. Yeah. Yeah, you can put the phone down. Do not wake up in the morning. And that's the first thing that you look at. You know what I mean? It's the first thing that you see for you to go to bed. Take a moment and just live where you are. By the way, not just for public figures in general. Take a moment. Everybody. Because if it's not a story about you, if you're not a public figure, it is something being fed to you that is meant to either stress you out, compare you to somebody else, compare your life to somebody else's life. Like there's just so much negative. Putting you in the position to judge other people. And that's what social media does. It gives everybody a voice in the ability to judge and then find a community of people who are also judging. So now it's a good time. But, again, that bitch is crazy. But then into the day, when you put your phone down, what you're doing in your life? Yeah. What you're not going on, boo? You know, what did you just do that if we knew about it? We would also judge. And then they feel empty after they are no longer in that community that's in the cell phone on social media. So live outside it all of that. For sure. Like start to do some things. I don't see, in my community sometimes, we don't get outside and do the crazy things. Like, you know, we don't out here riding horses and playing outside and doing things. Get outside and do things that you wouldn't normally do. Go ride some dirt bikes. Go fishing. Like, you don't feel like that. I'm golfing now. I call. You're golfing. Oh, golfing is the greatest thing ever. Your body's going to get real good. I mean, you already look amazing. Oh, you're very sweet. Yeah. Damn good. Thank you. I think it's that it'd be outside you in the grass. Find your thing. What is your thing? So my thing was golf as well. I didn't know that. My thing was golf as well. Oh, shut up. I didn't know that. Because I didn't post about it. It was my thing. It was my thing. So I kept it for me. Do you golf by yourself? I used to, but I haven't got that in a while. You do? I golf by myself sometimes. But when you go, they don't try to partner you up sometimes. Sometimes, but I was in a club and I could, I would book like weird hours. Okay. And then I would go like when people were, later in the day, I might not do a full 18, but I get something by myself. But I also got one with other people. That's good. I got for strangers. You can go for a stranger. This is the best. Because you don't have to talk about shit. You don't. We just want to know what club did you use for that? And how far did it go and, you know, all of that? And you get on through and you can drink and enjoy your show. Poor shook. We are going to be golf friends. Oh, I was a good man. Can we really do that? I was so do it. When I tell you, I love it. I got my own clubs and everything. So do I. Yes. Wait a minute. I'm not going to tell you. You ain't anywhere. No, I just won this. I won the ladies long drive competition at the C.C. Samantha. I think it's a little golf club. Oh, my God. I won this. You, congratulations. I don't hit that far, but there wasn't that many ladies. Okay. So I won that. I'm still in there because I had it on earlier. So I had tucked it inside. And now you need to keep that. You need to find your hobby. Come on. Like we got to get off. And when I go, I don't put the phone on. There's no phone. There's no phone. It's wrong off your frequency. For sure. I mean, I didn't. I'm not perfect. Yes. I'm on my phone. I have the post. I just realized. Okay. We do all that. But think about your frequency at the end of the day. You don't want that thrown it off. I have another secret to admit today. Okay. I'm a tree hugger. What do you mean? I go outside on hug trees. No, you don't. I do. I do. I go outside often barefoot. And I'll just ground. And I have this big tree that I hit. Been eyeing them for a while. You know, you hear about the tree huggers and like, you know, the synergy. I know this is a real thing. It's a real thing. And I was like, I'm a walk up to them and just see if I can hug them. And I went and I hugged them and I just felt you automatically feel like this piece, like this one that's with the earth. Stop it. I'm not. I'm not kidding. How often do you do this? I'm going to say this, but you're also going to go hug a tree. How often do you do this? Well, it's cold now. Okay. So I haven't visited him in a while. Okay. You have a particular tree. Oh, yeah. It's a pretty. He's right in the middle of the pup put in my backyard. Got it. I haven't done it in a while. I'm part of your backyard. We're going to be friends. Yeah. I want to come to your house and help you. The next interview is at my house. Okay. Fine. I'm there. And we recently went to Scotland on housewives. And in the castle, we were staying in. There was this big view. I cheated on my tree. Okay. Because there was this big beautiful tree in the back. And you could see. Do they feel loose? Oh, yeah, they did. You didn't talk about the sound. Do they feel me? I'm going to try. Of course they did. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Did somebody tell you to do this or you just one day? You know how it is on social media, you start tapping into and then all of a sudden it's all on your thing. It's all about vibration and your life and how water is living and things like that and frequency and that was one of the things that I had learned about and I was like, I'm gonna try it and actually work. You were into it? Yeah, I'm into it. I'm gonna try it, I'm gonna try it on the golf course. Yeah, try it on the golf course. You gotta pick your right tree and do it and try to let your skin touch you if you can. Now me, I don't like bugs, I don't like none of it, but I don't like bugs either. I don't need to, but I was like, I need this goodness. I'm gonna try it, it's gonna be weird, but you know what? Do the thing. Do the thing. Do the thing. Oh, that means. I'm gonna tell her to shut the fuck up. Exactly. I don't gonna hug the tree. You didn't know you was gonna get that out this interview. I got so much for you today. So into it. So thank you for that. Of course. All right, we have a couple things before we let you go. I have a bowl in real life, bowl with a couple in real life questions. Can somebody pass me the bowl? Are we doing the bowl first or the voice note? Do we have a voice note? Yeah. Oh, we have a voice note for you. This is our voice note section. Where somebody, I haven't even heard this. So I don't know if it's a fan or friend, but somebody who has a message or a question for you. Okay. Apocha, when your daughter looks back at you and your journey one day, like, what do you hope she understands about the woman you were becoming? Hmm. She might hear that. She might see that moment that we just talked about. She might. And I'm pretty sure she will with social media. When my daughter looks back on my life, which is well documented a lot of it, I would hope that she saw a woman who was in pursuit of her best self. And a woman who was living life on her own terms and who loved herself, forgave herself, and most of all found joy or fought for joy. Because as a mom, the only thing I want for my child, I know people who have a lot of expectations on their kids, I just want her to be happy, whatever that is. You know, even though I'm working and, you know, I'm building the money that I have for her is for her to be able to do what she wants to do. I don't have any particular life set out for her. And I wish everybody lived like that. My mom actually was like that with me, even though I'll work with her. But I would just want her to see me fighting for my life and living my real life, how I wanted to live it. And that's all I want for her. And mommy will be happy. That is a wonderful example to set for your daughter. We said something, we always worry about, you're strong being this, being that. It's like, just let me show you, watch me chase this happiness because happiness is important. Yeah. And she is important. All of it. But she needs to see and know from me that it's something you're going to have to be intentional about. Yeah. Be intentional about what your life looks like, who is in your life, what you do in your life. If she can live that way and not just go along the way with somebody else wants her, what life is pushing her to, no, no, no, always have your goal set for yourself. And make sure that you are at the head of it, no matter what, even if you have a child, even if she's married or whatever, make sure that you are putting you first regardless. And that's not so good. And your mom is your first example. I just had the remember of, we have Adrian, you know, Adrian, who went by line from the real, she was on with her husband recently. And you know, she had a relationship before that didn't go well and she left an engagement and everything because she watched her mother chase her happiness. She's like, her mother got a divorce from her first husband. She's like, something about watching my mother chase her happiness made me realize, want to have that too. And kids do that. Your mother is your first example of like, how it's supposed to be done. Yeah. And that life is a steady flow. It's a movement. You are not your circumstance. I'm sure you may go through hard things in your life, but you are not your circumstance. You are beyond that. You're just going through that. And so as long as she remains fluid and I remain fluid and can see a way out and keep moving with my energy and my love in my life, then she'll be fine. Things are going to happen. She's got to know that, yes, life is hard. And she's going to watch mom's life and be like, yeah, mom went through some things. Mom went through some things. Okay, yeah, mom has some girls, mom's in there. But she's going to see that and be like, yeah, it's the real world. That's amazing that she could watch your life. I know, right? Yeah, it's great. It's real. It's real. And you know, a lot of people don't have the opportunity. I was really close to my mom. So I watched my mom fight to be the number one child care center owner and entrepreneur and single mom and take care of us and the whole family. And so that's where I get my work ethic from. You know what I'm saying? And there were also some things that she feels like she might have missed in doing all of that. Well, it's also her generation where they were trying to fight for equal rights and fair pay. And they wanted to be bosses too. And they wanted to prove it. So they had that was their play. Then the next generation is like, wait a minute. I want to be happy too. Right. Like, yeah, we want to be hustlers, but we also bosses, but kind of also really want to prioritize joy and being happy. And that's the ultimate way of having it all. Yeah. A lot of people say, I hear me say, I want to have it all. No, I really mean it. I really mean it. But I know now it starts with me. I have to feel complete in who I am. Then everything else is added. Yeah. So literally everything else is added. So good. Hey, guys, support for this podcast is brought to you by Walden University. Have you ever thought to yourself, what if I could go after what I actually want? And I can really make a difference. Well, you are not alone. And this is exactly why I want to tell you about Walden University. For over 50 years, Walden has helped working adults like you get the W with the knowledge, the skills, and everything you need to build the future that you want. And you can make a difference where it matters most. If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it. Head to waldenu.edu and take that first step. Walden University set a course for change, certified to operate by shift. All right, before you go, hit our IRL bowl, boom. Oh, hi. Our IRL bowl is sponsored by Walden University. OK. Thank you to our friends at Walden. This is real life questions. Yes, Walden. OK. OK. OK. What is the best and the worst decision you ever made? Oh my gosh. Oh wow. There's a many. Not a many. There's not to be the best. What's the first one that comes to bad decision? Good decision. OK. The best decision I would say is, well, of course, getting with my ex and having polite. I'll say that's the best. Yeah. Because I really didn't know that relationship was new and we had our blessings. So I would have to say that's the best decision I ever made. And worst decision I ever made. Oh, my gosh. I'm a big one. OK. Because that's just been one question. Didn't have to be fully loaded like that. OK, worst decision ever made was probably compromising myself in a lot of different situations. Yeah, I don't. You don't need to do that. You don't. I don't feel like you need to compromise. I feel like. Because you know why? Because as it ends of today, your destiny has already said. The gift that you have is going to take you right where you need to be. So as long as you're a gift and you're fully aligned and you're living in divine alignment, you don't need to compromise yourself. You need to be you in your fullest self. And then what's meant for you will be for you. So there's any situation in the world to compromise. Come on, boys, show. Hey, hello, you're a good boy. Show really. If there's a situation where you got to compromise yourself, don't do it. Yes, don't do it. You're actually going against yourself. You're like, you're like, yeah, it's not good. Okay, you know, I like this question for you. It's very simple. When we started our podcast, you've taken it back up. No, this is good. I know what Kip's saying about this. That we usually used to start. This was our starter question. I have a starter question and a end question. This is the starter question. Okay. How happy are you, Portia, on a scale of one to 10 today? Oh, today. Today. Today. Yeah. I am at a 10. Yeah. I had a really rough day yesterday and I like the way I handled it. I like the way I handled it. I felt I felt triggered yesterday and I felt like I was going down a loop and I stopped myself and I started going solution based and I handled it. And so I'm proud of it. Like every time I have a win like that, even though it feels like a loss, every time I have a win, I feel good. So today, I am happy. 10. I'm a 10. That's amazing. I'm a 10. And my other favorite bowl in the question, which we end with a lot is and we'll end it today with that is if God were to text you today, what would it say? Oh my God. If God takes me today, we would say, thank you for fighting for our relationship. Yeah. There's been a lot of different times in life where I have felt let away from God or I have felt like I wasn't as close or I did not pay attention, but I walk around my house all day speaking to God. I mean, and I teach my daughter to pray. And so I would have to say that we have a close relationship and I think that's what he would appreciate. It's me constantly being in my mind and me thinking of him first and working on that relationship and working. You have to work on that relationship because the world is trying to pull you away. You're flesh is trying to pull you away. So you have to consciously be thankful and grateful even in the midst of what you have going on. And all that that we talked about today, I have to constantly say, but God. That was beautiful. Yeah. Thank you for today. Thank you. That's Portia in real life, everybody. This is Portia Williams in real life. Hey guys, thanks for watching. Make sure you subscribe, like, comments, and check out all of the other episodes we have on Age of Martinez, IRO podcast. This is an I heart podcast guaranteed human.