A Christmas podcast episode featuring Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish exchanging gifts, sharing listener-submitted jokes, and discussing celebrity couples. The episode includes promotional content for Square and Squarespace, plus Adam's new K-pop inspired song about musical confidence.
- Content creators can struggle with negative self-perception that affects collaborators and professional relationships
- Traditional media personalities are adapting to modern platforms while maintaining nostalgic appeal
- Live entertainment venues are returning to smaller, intimate formats post-pandemic
- Celebrity culture commentary remains a reliable content format for audience engagement
- Personal branding through multimedia content (books, music, podcasts) creates multiple revenue streams
"More and more news, more and more ads. Stupefying us, bewildering us. All the happenings of in the universe. Compressed into a small screen, a flickering image. It's too much. The mixture's too rich."
"I really have had to bite my tongue a few times doing interviews with Adam when he puts down the album and he puts down his own songs"
"Dad, I found Jesus"
Yes, the Adam Buxton Band is playing live shows in the UK in May and June 2026. Visit adam-buxton.co.uk for details. This episode is brought to you by Square, your all in one business partner, making your day to day easier. Hi, this is Adam Buxton. Since I was young, it's been my dream to start a business painting pretty pebbles with the faces of pebble or Stone adjacent celebrities like the Rock. That's all I've got so far. Ooh, Sly Stone. Anyway, when I've got enough names, I'm gonna start painting pretty pebbles in a pop up and I'm gonna be rich. And to take payments and run my business, I'm gonna use Square. With Square's intuitive hardware and point of sale, I can accept payments from regular wallets, digital wallets, credit and debit for one flat fee on my desktop, in person, online and off. Ooh, Oliver Stone. Yes, I'll be able to track sales and visits to help me refine the business. And if I want to expand online, Square makes it simple to set up a store in just a few minutes. Or all on a secure platform that protects millions of sellers around the world. Oh, Emma Stone. Obviously, Square keeps up so you don't have to slow down. Get everything you need to run and grow your business without any long term commitments. And why wait? Right now you can get up to $200 off Square Hardware at square.com. go Adam. That's sq U-A-R e dot com. Go Adam. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. Oh, Sharon Stone and Chris Rock painted on a Pebble. I'm gonna be so rich. This is an advert for Squarespace. Welcome to the finale of Web games with me, Jimmy Website. After nine stupid weeks, we're down to just two contestants fighting to build their own website. The winner will be the one who loses the least amount of the world's most valuable commodities. Time and patience. The websites must look professional and be easy to maintain. How's it going, Abby? Pretty good, Jimmy. I'm using Squarespace to build my. Because you can do a free trial there and experiment with a wide variety of great looking templates into which you can easily add text, pictures and videos. How about you, Mike? I'm not using Squarespace. I'm trying to set up an online store and it's making me sad. Aw, Mike, you're losing so much time. Your life is slipping away, dude. Brutal. I've just finished my free trial and I love my Squarespace website. So I'm gonna Buy it. Oh, I'm being asked if I have an offer code. I'm gonna type in Buxton. I just saved 10% on my new Squarespace website with the offer code. Buxton, I just tore the last of my hair out. Oh, sorry, Mike, you are a loser. And now you're gonna be dropped through the floor onto a mat not far beneath the floor. You should have gone to squarespace.com Buxton, you loser. Don't worry, Mike, you still can. Thank you. Hey, how you doing? Christmas podcast. It's Adam Buxton here on a very cold Christmas Eve. I'm here with Rosie. Say hello, Rosie. Don't patronize me. Thank. I apologise. Now look, pre jingle I'm going to start with a message from Ben Jackson who says. Hi Adam. This year I've become the leader of a new male voice choir in Falmouth, Cornwall. We're called the Many Men Sound System and we're a highly non toxic group of men who sing a wide range of tunes from Jefferson Airplane to Hot Chip. And I conduct while holding a synth drum machine which gives us an unexpected electronic edge. I don't think any of us expected that, Ben. HE CONTINUES One of the things I've done this year as a warm upice breaker is I've adopted your theme song and arranged it for the choir. Basically, people say their names and then everyone else joins in with He's a Man. Here's a couple of examples. My name is Ben Jackson.
0:02
He's a man, he wants you to enjoy this.
3:44
That's the plan.
3:49
My name is Paul Lydon.
3:51
He's a man, he wants you to enjoy this.
3:53
That's the plan.
3:57
There you go. BEN CONTINUES I've also done a full arrangement of your intro song with electronic backing which we filmed and I've put it up as an unlisted YouTube video. There's a link in the description if you'd like to see them in action. All the best, Adam. Thanks for all your stuff. Hey, thanks Ben. So here is the Many man sound system from Cornwall to play us in for The Christmas Podcast 2025. He added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. He took his microphone and found some human folk. Then he recorded all the noises while they spoke. His name is Adam Buxton. He's a man. He wants you to enjoy this.
3:59
Dustin man.
4:49
Hey, thank you very much. The highly non toxic Many man sound system and a very merry Christmas to all of you podcats. Wherever and whenever you happen to be listening to this. I hope this podcast finds you well. My wife informed me the other day she doesn't like that phrase. Do you ever use that at the top of an email? I do. I hope this email finds you well. I quite like it. She doesn't like it. She thinks it's pointless and annoying. I thought that was a very strong opinion to have about starting an email with I hope this finds you well. Anyway, there you go. That's my brand. Welcome to another pointless and annoying Christmas podcast. Wow, it's cold out here in Norfolk on a farm track on Christmas Eve 2025. I'm feeling uplifted on number of levels. I like this time of year on the whole. And also today I had a very special thing happen, which was that yesterday at Castle Buckles, we were forced by my daughter to have a party for her and her friends. She's 17 years old and so that's the age group you're dealing with there. As any parent of teenage children knows, hosting a party for around 60 or 70 of them guys is generally unrelaxing. This was a great group of people, I have to say. But when we were clearing up this morning in the barn where the party happened, and that's my main base of operations there across the way, there's a lot of my knickknacks and bits and pieces belonging to my parents are still around that area. And one of them is a small ceramic statue of Jesus Christ. And it belonged to my mum. She was quite religious. And I kept it on top of a shelf beneath the picture of Neil Armstrong on the moon. And you see it when you come in through the door to the barn. But this morning, morning, no Jesus. And of course there were a few other things that had been moved around or were missing, and I got a little bit sad about the idea that Jesus had been removed, especially because it belonged to my mum. And I was thinking, what are they gonna do with Jesus? Anyway, my daughter phoned around and just an hour or two ago, she came into my nutty room where I was editing the podcast and she said the phrase that I never realized I would be so happy to hear from my teenage child. Dad, I found Jesus. For some reason, JC had been relocated to an outside wall. I don't know why what they were doing, but anyway, I hope it brought them some joy and it certainly made me happy to be reunited with Jesus. Now look, I don't really need to spend time introducing my guest for this episode, number 268. But before we get into The Festive Waffle Party with Cornballs I just have a few bits of exciting news for you. The Adam Buxton Band are touring a selection of intimate venues in the uk. So if you didn't get a chance to see us this year, then I hope you can come out and enjoy some great, great music tracks from my album Buckle up, plus a few wonderful covers and other bits and pieces with myself and various members of Metronomy. That's going to be fun. But as I say, they're fairly small venues, so get in there fast. There's a link in the description I was a guest on a couple of other podcasts recently talking about the album and those episodes have now dropped. I'm on the Tape Notes podcast once again hosted by DJ John Kennedy and myself and Joe Mount, the producer of Buckle Up. Joe Mount from Metronomy chatted with John about how a few of the tracks from that album came together. We played some outtakes and some weird bits and pieces. It was good fun. And I talked about some of the other tracks on the record on Soda Jerker. That's another podcast I really love Soda Jerker on songwriting. It's hosted by two songwriters from Liverpool, Simon Barber and Brian o', Connor, and they have got an archive filled with over 300 episodes with incredible guests. Recent people on that podcast have included Mac DeMarco, Black Country, New Road Shop, Sharon Van Etten, Suggs, Self Esteem, Labby Sifri, Graham Nash, the Last Dinner Party, Richard Thompson, Slita Kinney, Damon Albarn. They've all been on there and now Adam Buxton has been on there. Anyway, links in the description to Soda Jerker and Tape Notes Podcasts all right, nearly there. One more thing before we get going. It is time to appeal very briefly to your festive generosity in support of a few organizations that are trying to make the world a better place. If you're able to support just one of these, I'd be grateful. But hey look, if you're a wealthy podcat who would love to show your appreciation for the podcast in some way, why not go nuts and donate generously to all three of these? There's some links in the description to the international humanitarian organization Medecin Sans Frontiere or MSF AKA Doctors Without Borders. There's also the Music for all charity. They work with disadvantaged individuals and with community groups helping them access music making opportunities. Help them pass on the magical healing gift of music. And finally, it would be great if you could support St. Mungo's. Homelessness and rough sleeping are sadly at their Highest levels since records began. It's a terrible thing to see. But what can we do? Well, one thing is you could join me in supporting St. Mungo's. They're out there on the front line every day. They're there right now helping thousands of people. And your donation could provide someone who is sleeping rough with access to emergency accommodation, a hot meal or whatever they need. Donations also help keep St. Mungo's teachers teams out on the front line. You'll find a link in the description to mungoes.org Buxton where you can find out more and donate what you can. It would be a wonderful Christmas gift, not just to St. Mungo's and the people they help, but to me too. Merry. Thank you. Okay, let's get to the festive waffle with Joe Cornball's Cornish, who I sat down with a couple of weeks ago, as I speak, in mid December 2025. And we caught up a little, exchanged a few gifts and read out some jokes from the podcast. Thank you so much if you sent bits and pieces in, apologies if we didn't get to yours. I will be back for a brief goodbye at the end of the podcast and I might give a few shout outs to some of the messages we didn't get round to, but which I particularly enjoyed. But right now with Joe Cornish. Here we go. Ho ho. Ramble chat. A Christmas ramble chat. We'll focus first on this, then concentrate on that. Come on, let's chew the bat and have a ramble chat. Put on your fluffy winter coat and find your Santa hat.
4:51
Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's so cozy in here. Or it will be cozy when we light the fire.
12:38
Are you going to light the fire?
13:05
I'm going to light the fire.
13:07
What are you using to burn?
13:08
Well, I'm using the opposite of smokeless coal, extra smoky coal. It's like smoky bacon. Yeah, it's very, very bad for the environment.
13:10
Is it chilli flavoured?
13:19
It's chilli flavored Pringles smoky coal. It comes in tubes of. Tubes of coal blocks. And then also I'm gonna burn rare trees.
13:20
Okay.
13:32
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like endangered ones.
13:33
You know what I'm gonna burn?
13:35
What?
13:36
Books.
13:36
That's very au courant for the current global political climate. This is a very topical Christmas fire.
13:38
It is.
13:44
And very festive.
13:44
Who cares about books?
13:45
Come on.
13:47
I mean, look, I like audiobooks. I don't know about you, do you? Yeah.
13:47
Are they flammable?
13:52
My ones are.
13:53
They're so incendiary. A lot of your Writing is very incendiary.
13:53
Well, some people disagree. A friend of ours forwarded a little mention in the Times, I think, of my audiobook, and it was in a collection of audiobooks you should listen to.
13:58
This is I Love youe by.
14:10
This is I Love youe by. By Adam Buxton, My second volume of memoirs. And it was generally a positive mention, but there was one line that said the book is really quite light.
14:10
Mm. That's not a bad thing, Is it not? People love light. They don't want heavy things.
14:20
It didn't sound very positive. I was just thinking like I poured my flipping guts out.
14:25
Yeah.
14:30
There's some of my guts are in that audiobook and the actual pages of the physical.
14:31
But you're up against a lot of very depressing biographies. A lot of people who've really suffered terrible things in their lives.
14:35
Yeah, that's true.
14:40
And you haven't done too badly, comparatively speaking.
14:41
Both my parents died.
14:44
Yeah, but that does happen.
14:46
They both died. I'm an orphan.
14:47
Did they kill each other?
14:49
They would have done if they'd lived a bit longer.
14:51
That would have made better. That would have been a bit heavier. You should have thought of that before you wrote the biography.
14:54
That's true. Okay. It's nice and cozy.
14:59
The books are really going up lovely.
15:01
Oh, they burn so well, those books. Especially the really dry ones. The sort of textbooks, the poetry, the science books.
15:03
A lot of your books are water damaged because you took so little care of them. And then they dried out again. So now the pages are separated in a really nice crispy way.
15:10
Yeah.
15:19
So they're going up beautifully.
15:20
Yes, some of them. Back when I used to read books in the bath, that.
15:21
Yes, yes. It's the sign of a really, well, carefully read book to have a crinkly. Crinkly extant.
15:26
And they burn so much better because the air gets between the pages.
15:31
Yeah, well, it's very warm and it's very Christmassy. We should say Merry Christmas to the listeners, shouldn't we?
15:35
I mean, I probably will have said Merry Christmas in the intro.
15:40
Yeah, but we should say it.
15:43
Oh, okay. From us.
15:44
I should say it. Merry Christmas, listeners.
15:45
Ah, that's nice.
15:47
We're in our Christmas shack. It's a few days before Christmas, shall we say?
15:48
No, we're live.
15:52
Well, is it live? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had no idea. Yeah.
15:53
This is.
15:55
Why did I not realize that? What's going on with me?
15:56
This is live. The intro was recorded on maybe Christmas Eve or something.
15:59
No wonder. That's why it's so shoddy yeah, there you go. Yeah. This is live on Christmas Day from the Christmas Shack. And it's great to be here. And you know that in the last couple of years we've done a live show, haven't we? Speaking of liveness. From the Royal Festival Hall.
16:04
From the festive whole hall.
16:19
But this year we're not doing it.
16:21
Why not?
16:23
Well, I think you've been doing a lot of live stuff, right.
16:24
Yeah.
16:27
This year. And you're just a bit lived out.
16:27
Definitely.
16:30
Yeah. And we thought we'd go back to the traditional way of doing this podcast, which is when we gave each other presents, or at least that's what I thought I'd do as an excuse.
16:31
I've got you presents.
16:40
I've got you presents. Yeah, that's good. But usually also we do quite a lot of laborious audio.
16:41
Yes, there's a bit of laborious audio. There's some fun audio.
16:48
Good.
16:52
It's not too laborious. Well, one of them is very laborious.
16:53
I haven't done any.
16:56
That's okay.
16:57
And yeah, sneaking into my teacup out of shame.
16:58
It's. It's podcast. It's Christmas podcast. Classic. It's two guys in a room with a fire. It's not a real fire, it's an audio fire.
17:01
In the. At the North Pole. In the North Pole. At the North Pole.
17:09
Up the North Pole.
17:13
On the North Pole.
17:13
Impaled on the North Pole.
17:14
What a year. A year of buckles. Media saturation, a best selling book all over the TV and radio. I mean, for a couple of months there, you were very difficult to avoid.
17:16
I'm so sorry.
17:26
You were popping up everywhere like a rash, like a bad stink. But it was a lot of fun. And we did a fun thing together in Sheffield, didn't we? At the Sheffield Documentary Festival.
17:27
That was great.
17:41
The Doc Fest. Sheffield Doc Fest. That was fun.
17:42
We played a load of clips from the Adam and Joe Show. Yeah, you were on excellent form. You were very funny. You did a bit of roasting of me and of the clips. Yeah, it was good. Maybe we should do that again. I hope so.
17:44
I mean, we're thinking of doing something next year, right? Because next year will be the 30th, 30th anniversary of the Adam and Joe show in December 96. So maybe we'll do something live next year.
17:57
That would be fun. That was a really enjoyable night. And I went and dug up a load of clips that we haven't shown quite so often. And I even thought that maybe we could do a redux redigitize some of the old toy movies and get them.
18:10
All shiny, like, digitally enhance them.
18:25
Get Peter Jackson to do Titanic.
18:26
Mate. Peter.
18:30
Peter doesn't say mate.
18:32
He doesn't say mate? No.
18:34
What does he say?
18:36
He says chops. He says. He says hobbit. Hobbit. Hobbit.
18:37
Chops. I haven't asked you about your year.
18:41
What a year I've had.
18:44
How has your year been?
18:46
My year's been good. My years involved a lot of screenwriting and a lot of, like, pushing projects along. It's been a slightly frustrating year, I've got to say. It's been a year when everything seemed to take ages to happen. Do you know what I mean? Slow progress on lots of big things. But between all of that, I had a lot of fun. Few holidays, quite a lot of theatre. Oh, I've seen Matilda the Musical four times.
18:47
Holy Moses. In one year?
19:14
No, but I saw it twice last year. Yeah, I saw it twice last year. I saw it once before my daughter was born, once when she was little, and then twice in 25, the last time I saw it. Can you believe they skipped a whole number by accident? Well, there's a number in that musical where she arrives at the school. Have you seen it?
19:17
Yeah, it's really good.
19:41
You remember they slide out this big. The gates of the school.
19:42
It's spectacular.
19:45
And it's the song where they go through the Alphabet.
19:46
Oh, yeah.
19:48
Very cleverly. Lyrically. And they're sliding these wooden blocks with A, B, C, D, E, F, G on them and climbing up them. Brilliant.
19:48
It's the first big showcase number.
19:55
It simply didn't happen.
19:58
What?
19:59
There was a blackout. There was a pause slightly longer than usual. And then you were just into Mrs. Trunchbull, Ms. Trunchbull. And that song, whatever. And the audience kind of didn't notice it, but we noticed it. So I went to the lady, one of the ushers, at the interval, and said, hey, did they miss out a song? And she said, yes. I said, oh, yeah?
19:59
Why?
20:26
She said, technical difficulties. And I said, okay, are they gonna make an announcement or anything? She said, no, because you think about it. Of course. Because then everyone would ask for their money back.
20:27
That's right. They don't want to draw attention to it.
20:40
Yeah. But they just had a technical thing and of course the show must go on.
20:43
Yeah.
20:46
So they just kept going. But I felt I had a right to ask for maybe. I mean, they're quite expensive, those tickets.
20:46
Absolutely.
20:53
Maybe 15 quid back.
20:54
Yeah.
20:55
Price of the ticket divided by the number of musical numbers.
20:56
Absolutely.
20:59
Yeah.
20:59
You should have said, oh, okay. Well, look, there's been a little technical problem with my credit card because I appear to have paid the full price for the show that doesn't have one of the main numbers in it.
21:00
Yes.
21:12
So if you could just sort that out, that would be great. And do it in, like, that patronizing, passive aggressive voice.
21:13
Yes, I'm very good at that.
21:18
Yeah.
21:19
The other thing you notice when you go to a musical, a lot of. A lot of times, like, they do those things a lot. Right. Eight times a week. So, like, the guy. I guess I shouldn't name names, but one of the characters in it was clearly sort of. He spoke in quite a heavy Cockney accent. And it's noticeable how relaxed he was becoming and how fast he was doing his lines to the extent that you couldn't really understand what he was saying. And the audience were like. They were sort of. The melody of it was amusing.
21:20
Yeah.
21:55
But you're like, fucking hell, slow down. It was odd. But apparently that's what they do, like, because the director isn't there every night. So after the press night and, say, the first week, things start sort of slipping. Do you know what I mean? And actors start, like, doing it sort of how they want to do it and not necessarily how the director sort of corralled them into doing it.
21:56
Come on, guys.
22:19
Come on, guys.
22:20
Was this the same night they missed out the song?
22:20
Yeah.
22:24
Wow.
22:24
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:25
What else happened? Did they just start, like, improvising stuff?
22:26
No, it was pretty good. It's a really, really good show. It's a pretty flawless show.
22:30
Yeah, of course.
22:33
But if you do the same thing every night. But, like, how long's that show been going on? Like, 10 years, 6 years? A long time. I mean, it's kind of mad, isn't it? So, like, being trapped in an insane, Like, Groundhog Day.
22:34
It's not the same cast, though.
22:47
No, no. I think the Trunchbull act has been doing it for a long time. He's really good. And Ms. Honey's really, really good as well. I mean, it's really good. But you do the same thing that often over and over again, and it must drive you slightly mental, mustn't it?
22:49
I'm sure that's why you have bit.
23:08
Of crack, little bit of crack cocaine.
23:09
Hey, you know who I met this year and I interviewed him at a book show was Nigel Planer.
23:12
Yeah, I've worked with Mr. Planer.
23:18
That's right. He Was in. He was in Lockwood and Lockwood and Company.
23:20
Yeah.
23:22
Yeah. It was really quite exciting to meet him.
23:23
Yes. Nice guy.
23:25
Such a nice guy. We had a great chat. I was being interviewed about my book at the same festival. They said, look, Nigel Plane is here. He's got a book out. It's called you young Once, and it's about his whole career, but it focuses a lot on the amazing comic strip stuff and the Young Ones. And I said, yeah, great, I'd love to interview him. And it was really fun. We got along. I would say, like a house on fire.
23:27
Really?
23:50
Yeah.
23:51
He's a very convivial man and he likes talking about his, you know, he's not cagey about talking about the Young Ones either, which is nice.
23:51
Yeah, he was very candid. Talked about the bad times as well as the good ones, but in a non depressing way. And he was really funny and sharp. And I had a great moment, the moment you dream of as an interviewer, which I wasn't expecting. At one point I mentioned a bit that I particularly loved from the Young Ones that's always stuck in my mind. And in fact, I talked to Charlie Brooker about it when Charlie Brooker was on the podcast. And we both found that we loved this same bit from the Young Ones when there's a little comic interlude, fantasy sequence or whatever, and it's Nigel Planer and someone else playing some cheesy Las Vegas type entertainers. And they're singing, well, I'm tying my dog to the railroad track. Does this ring any bells?
23:59
No.
24:46
Choo choo train's gonna break his back. They sing this weird, sick little song in the style of these Las Vegas crooners. And so I mentioned that to Nigel and said, oh, I always loved that bit. And he's like, I wrote that bit. And he said, yeah, that was. That was my bit. I was like, oh, cool. And then we started singing it together.
24:46
No.
25:06
Yeah, it was great. So that was a highlight for me this year. Hey, look, we've got presents.
25:06
Prezi time.
25:11
Not only do we have presents, but we have messages from you, the podcasts. Thank you so much for sending them in. And made up jokes and made up jokes. All sorts of bits and pieces of communication.
25:12
You know, talking of made up jokes, I dreamt a made up joke.
25:22
Did you?
25:25
I did, yeah. Do you want to hear it?
25:26
Yes, please.
25:27
What do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of magicians who do heists and smoke heavily? Now, this came to me in a Dream like Frankenstein came to Mary Shelley in a dream.
25:28
Really?
25:42
A lot of the metaphysical poets dreamt a lot of their best material. So this is like that.
25:42
Okay.
25:47
Things that come to you in dreams are always great.
25:48
That's true. Yeah.
25:51
Aren't they?
25:52
I mean, not me. No, not for me.
25:52
Like Freddy Krueger and Robin Williams in the film in dreams.
25:55
What dreams may come.
26:00
Anyway, I'll give you the setup again.
26:02
Yeah.
26:03
What do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of magicians who do heists and smoke heavily? Okay, now you went now you went for now you went for see. Now you went for see me three. Now you went for see me 3.
26:04
Emphasy me for see ma.
26:20
Now you went for now you see me is the name of the film. Now you went for see me three in the dream. It was really good for some reason in the dream that little bit at the end wasn't a problem.
26:23
And is the idea now you went for Sema. Yeah.
26:35
Three was not. Doesn't land. No, but now you went for See me three does land.
26:39
Okay, Say it rhymes.
26:44
Yeah, like. And it's important that it's the third one because then there's an extra rhyme on it on the end as well.
26:45
That's a fun joke, man. That's always nice to have to me.
26:50
Have I made it clear it came.
26:53
To me in a dream? Yes. Yes. Wow. You must have woken up and been really excited to. Because it's quite dark. But it's also very funny.
26:54
Yeah, it's a lot of my subconscious concerns. I don't smoke, but obviously somewhere deep down the fact that I used to smoke is worrying me.
27:03
Sure, of course.
27:10
Yeah. Pretty good though, huh?
27:11
Amazing stuff.
27:13
Amazing.
27:14
That's really good. Are we gonna have more jokes right now?
27:15
Why not?
27:18
Okay. Well, we should do the jingle. I'm a funny person. I often make up jokes. My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks. When you hear my joke, I think you. You'll find that you agree. Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party. Okay, here's one that really made me laugh. This is from Peter from the highlands. And Peter says. This was written 18 years ago whilst interrailing around Eastern Europe. What happens when a badly behaved child from Slovakia falls into a volcano?
27:18
I don't know. What happens when a badly behaved child falls into a volcano?
27:58
From Slovakia.
28:02
Important. From Slovakia.
28:03
Bratislava. Nice brat is lava. The brat becomes lava, turns into lava having fallen into the volcano.
28:05
That's very good.
28:13
And Bratislava is a Place from in Slovenia.
28:13
Written 18 years ago. What has stopped Peter from the Highlands from sending that in over the last 18 years? Why this year? You sure it's not some sort of COVID for some sort of volcano based child murder that's actually happened?
28:17
He pushed a child into a volcano just so he could do that joke.
28:34
I think it happened accidentally and then he made up the joke so that people would think, no, he couldn't have done that because he wouldn't have sent that joke in, you know, hiding in plain sight.
28:37
Right, okay. Yeah. What kind of murderer does a joke that good about a crime they've committed?
28:46
A cold blooded genius.
28:52
Bratislava. Have you got one?
28:54
Sure, I've got one. Let's have a look. La la la, la la. Here we go. Dear AB and JC this year I tried learning French. I did not succeed. But in the process I did come up with some spectacular puns. My worst offense is below. I told it to a French person once. She hasn't spoke to me since, though I believe this to be unrelated to the joke. Here comes a joke. Are you ready?
28:57
Yeah.
29:20
What did the French man say when he was sad that he couldn't find his olive oil?
29:21
I don't know.
29:28
I've lost the will to live. That was quite good. Will to live said in a French accent. Merry Christmas and bye Natalie from April App Apeldoorn. Can you see that? Can you say that AP Appeldoun? I'm finding that harder to say than the actual joke, which I thought I did very well.
29:30
Yeah, That's good.
29:54
And as you know, listeners, the test of these jokes is are they genuinely made up? You know, a lot of the jokes that were sent one senses have been told before because they're kind of too obvious. So the sign of a good joke is sort of tortured contextualization, or the necessity of tortured contextualization.
30:02
I googled made up jokes the other day because I checked the provenance of some of these.
30:19
Absolutely.
30:23
And in so doing, I used the phrase made up jokes and I ended up on a Reddit thread and they just called them dad jokes.
30:24
Well, that's flattering to dads.
30:35
I think that's slightly different, isn't it? Like dad jokes, Jokes come from dads.
30:39
If you do the etymology of a joke, it's probably from a dad.
30:43
Why do you think that is if you're gonna unpack it?
30:48
Because dads are making a lot of effort to impress. You know, they're not really necessary in any other way, are they?
30:50
Yeah, that's true.
30:55
For the survival Of a child.
30:56
Yes, yes. Your mum suckles you and gives birth to you.
30:57
Yeah. And generally protects and cares for you in your early years.
31:01
Yeah.
31:04
Your dad has to justify his existence so why not Cracker corker. Corker cracker. That's very sexist theory and it's obviously not true.
31:05
I don't think it's sexist. If it's sexist, it's sexist against men.
31:16
Yeah, but it's like the old canard that, you know, women can't do comedy.
31:19
Oh yeah. But you're not implying that there's one or two very funny women.
31:23
I think I am one of very profound sort of stone age primordial level.
31:27
I mean it's so manifestly. Right. Okay. You wanted to deal tackle with it.
31:31
Just wanted to make it clear that I don't really believe that.
31:36
No one believes that anymore.
31:38
Okay.
31:40
Good.
31:40
That was good though, Nathan. That was very good. Even though I can't say where you're from. Apple Dun.
31:40
Google it.
31:47
I'm going to Google it.
31:48
Google it. No one says what's the other search engine? Chat, gtp, GPT.
31:49
GPT or more. My daughter and I call it Jacqueline Peepee.
31:55
That's a good eggcorn.
32:01
Should we ask Jacqueline Peepee?
32:02
Do you check facts? No Jacqueline.
32:03
Stuff like we enjoyed Piku Niku on The Nintendo Switch 2. What other games might we also enjoy? That's what we ask Jacqueline Peepee and she always comes up with the goods. And she does have quite a male voice. Do you have the male voice on ChatGPT?
32:05
I have. Jacqueline Peepee hasn't been speaking to me. I've never even.
32:18
Don't use the voice. Adds the most annoying voice. I mean if they'd actually.
32:21
How do you turn the voice?
32:25
Millions of pounds of research to get the most annoying voice. It's a sort of awful sort of Southern Californian laid back vocal fry voice.
32:26
How do you turn the voice on?
32:34
There's a little speaker symbol at the bottom of the app. Appledawn is a city in the Netherlands located in the province of Gelderland. It sits roughly 90 km east of Amsterdam, 40 km south of Zwolle, on the edge of the Veilure, a large forested nature reserve. It's known for polit.
32:35
Okay, whatever.
32:54
You've got a nicer voice than me.
32:55
So there you go. That's how you pronounce Appledorn. And it's in the Netherlands.
32:57
It sounds lovely.
33:01
Does sound nice.
33:03
I'd like to be there now.
33:04
Okay, I made up a joke.
33:06
Oh.
33:07
See what you think of this. Can't believe that no one's ever done this one before. What's the opposite of a hijack?
33:08
Oh, I don't know.
33:16
Bye, Jack.
33:18
Right.
33:20
I mean, that's like.
33:20
That's good. That's good because it flipped the mental imagery in my head. I was thinking of, like, a LoJack.
33:21
Yes, LoJack.
33:26
And I was still in the sort of cops and robbers milieu. And you just flipped it into just a casual greeting to a guy called Jack.
33:27
That's why it's such a good joke.
33:34
Who is not in the criminal fraternity at all.
33:37
No, it's nothing heavy like a hi, Jack. Like an armed heist or anything like that.
33:40
Very good. Very good.
33:44
Thank you.
33:45
That's very good. Well done. It's not as good as now you went for See Me three, but it's good.
33:46
It's not as dark.
33:52
I made up another one.
33:53
What?
33:54
I might have told you this one before. What did the Blue Peter presenter say when showing the audience how to neuter a cat? You should be able to figure this one out. Come on, Christmas listeners who can figure this out. It's a fun parlor game for podcast listeners.
33:55
Say the setup again.
34:11
What did the Blue Peter presenter say when showing the audience how to neuter a cat?
34:11
Here's one I spayed earlier.
34:18
Yes. That's good. Come on. That's good. Look at that smile. He's smiling. He's smiling. A real Santa smile with little rosy cheeks pushed up by the buckle smile. That's good. Here's one I spayed earlier. I mean, that's dark as well, if you actually picture it on an episode of Blue Peter. But they did all sorts of edgy things on Blue Peter in the 70s.
34:20
They didn't do that.
34:41
They didn't do that. But it was a thin line.
34:42
They didn't do surgery.
34:44
Pushing presenters off cliffs and showing you how to spay your cat at home.
34:46
If they carry, does Blue Peter still exist?
34:51
Yes.
34:53
Does it?
34:54
I think so, yeah.
34:55
They probably do that sort of thing now.
34:56
Probably. Probably.
34:58
All right. You're listening to.
35:01
The Adam Buxton Podcast.
35:07
Listen when you want.
35:10
Unlike a radio broadcast, listen on the train now, on an airplane now. Listening. Attractive form of transport's not a factor. Listen on the first date with another primate. Listen when you're jargon straight to your noggin.
35:14
You're listening to.
35:32
The Adam Boston Podcast. If you don't like it.
35:36
I think it's time we had a present.
35:48
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's gonna give a prezi first? Who's gonna Receive first. I feel like I want to give you a prezi first.
35:49
Your stack is bigger than mine.
35:55
Here, have this one.
35:57
Oh, thank you so much.
35:58
Adam's taking the parcel. Do you like that festive wrapping paper?
35:59
Yeah, brown, utilitarian, very environmentally sound.
36:03
Definitely traditional parcel paper.
36:07
This is so nice and exciting.
36:12
I was thinking you could use these during the record.
36:16
Okay, so this is two little boxes. One of them says tiny violin, soundtrack for your sob story. And the other one says, toot your own horn, if I do say so myself. So I'll open the tiny violin first.
36:21
My thinking was that it was a shame you didn't have them while you were recording your audiobook, because if there was a paragraph where you felt sorry for yourself. Yeah, you could have played the little violin. And then if you were name dropping or maybe writing about a triumph, you could toot the horn.
36:41
Well, I could. I mean, I.
37:00
You want me to open one of them for you?
37:02
Just you do. You do toot horn.
37:03
It's even got a little stand here.
37:05
Oh, this is great. All right. This is the tiny violin that I've got here. Oh, God. It actually works when you do the.
37:08
No, no, no, the bow. Well, yeah, I guess it does, yeah. Because you press down. Yeah. There. Yeah.
37:14
That's amazing. All right, here we go. So this is a bit from I love you. Bye. This is me looking at photographs of my dead parents. I was sure I knew too what was going on in my nine month old head. In the photograph I would have been feeling that mum and dad were just the absolute shit. Just the most fun, interesting, great looking people in the world. And now they're gone. Not just a few hundred miles away, but removed from the whole universe. Photos are violence.
37:19
Now do a little horn toot because in a way that's quite self aggrandizing. I mean, it's so maudlin. It's self aggrandizing.
37:53
That's from my book.
38:02
Can you do them both at once?
38:03
There you are.
38:06
That's the tldr for I love you. Bye.
38:07
Can you describe your book in sound?
38:14
It's funny because it's true, isn't it?
38:23
That's what I should say to Anthony Hopkins. I read his book. It's called you done good son or something like that. I really loved it.
38:30
Yeah, I've read some reviews saying it was good. Like what? He was diagnosed with something, wasn't he, recently?
38:39
Adhd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it is quite melancholy, the book. It's very definitely. Quite a lot of that going on. That's what people want and not too much. In fact, not enough.
38:44
No, he hasn't. He hasn't done. He's not known for his comedy, though, is he? Has he ever done a comedy?
38:59
That's true. I don't think he has done. He's a heavy guy in the best possible way.
39:03
Quite good little. Little novelty toys, though.
39:07
Brilliant.
39:10
Fantastic present at this stage in the game.
39:11
God, you're good at presents. Well, I mean, you really are good.
39:13
God, was that Hopkins toy.
39:18
Oh, you're good.
39:19
God good. No, that was started.
39:20
You're damn good. You're damn good.
39:24
It's got to be a bit Welsh. God, you're.
39:25
God, you're good presence. You're very good. I'm okay, but not great. I'm okay.
39:27
Sounds American. What? Sounds American.
39:34
No, no, that's Welsh.
39:36
Okay. It is, yes.
39:38
That's.
39:40
Thanks for the tip off.
39:40
Voice I'm doing now is Welsh.
39:42
I think you should. I think this is me directing you now. I think to make that clear, you just have to add the line, I'm Welsh. I'm Welsh. At the end.
39:44
I. I come from the valleys. I'm Welsh.
39:54
The valleys.
39:57
I come from the valleys. The valleys. He was a coal miner for a long time. Coal miner. I'm Welsh. Thanks, man. That was an amazing present.
39:58
Hey, feel free to use them as the podcast progresses.
40:07
Yeah. Okay. This is an actual nice present, really, that I hope you don't have. And if you don't like it personally, you can re gift and maybe give it to your daughter.
40:11
That's lovely. How very thoughtful. While I'm ripping open the lovely sparkly Christmas tree paper. And it's padded. It's a. Some sort of a box and it's padded and it's quite heavy. I think this might be a musical instrument because it's in a sort of lovely leathery padded case with two little silver.
40:21
That's faux leather fasteners.
40:39
Yes. Oh, wow. So this, listeners, is like in a lovely cushioned velvet box. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Harmonicas.
40:41
You got all the different notes there. Beautiful. Are you quite good on the harmonica?
40:52
Do you know what? I've always thought I would be. I've never put in any effort into it. And we've only got little plastic ones at home. Are you. So if you play a tune on a harmonica, are you supposed to be able to play the whole tune on one harmonica, or am I supposed to swap them out? Depending on.
41:01
I've never seen anyone swapping them out. I think most songs are in one Key, Right. So you find the harmonica that's appropriate to the key your song is in. What key is that?
41:17
Hang on a second. We on a pirate ship? Are we now? Why are we suddenly on a pirate ship?
41:32
Were you trying to do Captain Pugwash?
41:43
I don't know. It just came to me. Sometimes when you're gifted. When you're gifted in a particular instrument.
41:45
Yeah.
41:51
It's not. It's not in an intellectual process. It's instinctive.
41:51
It's organic.
41:55
Talk about. Now you emphasize me three. That's my laugh.
42:00
How are you doing? Are you just going to Italoo? He's turned it into a vocoder. This is going better than I could have possibly imagined. Tell us which key they're in. Says on the end.
42:07
Oh, yes, that's an a.
42:35
Find the C1. Maybe you can play along with a song.
42:37
Okay. I think that's probably a bad idea.
42:42
Even on road trips when we didn't fight. I'd be annoyed with you all through the night knowing you'd skip a great song that I picked because you declared there it was. Shite solo.
42:47
Yeah. That's a beautiful present, man.
43:19
It's quite nice, isn't it?
43:22
That's incredible.
43:23
Have them in a little set like that.
43:23
It is terrible, though. I apologize to listeners because there's nothing worse than somebody who can't play an instrument. Playing an instrument.
43:25
Don't say that, because that really does describe me and my entire career.
43:32
No, no, no. I had a party and we had. We had some friends around once, and a friend of mine bought, you know, somebody along who. That we didn't know very well.
43:35
Yeah.
43:44
And I got the guitar out, started playing some Bowie, you know, out of chord books.
43:45
Sure.
43:49
And singing along. And after about 10 minutes, we noticed this guy had gone. And we thought he'd gone to the loo, but then more time. After about an hour, we realized he'd, like, gone. He hadn't come back. And we thought, well, that's a long time in the loo. And we knew that the internal door. Because we lived in a flat at the time, we knew the internal door, which was down some steps, was double locked, so he couldn't have got out of the flat. So where's he gone? So we went looking for him. And he was literally sitting like a cat whose cat flap had broken outside the internal door trying to get out because he couldn't stand the guitar. The guitar and the amateur hour.
43:49
Bowie singing oh, wow, that's a bit much.
44:29
It is a bit much. But it can be painful, but that's a beautiful gift. Thank you very much. That looks expensive. It looks more expensive than the blow. Your own toot. Your own horn and mini violin set.
44:32
I'm guessing it was. But I did feel like the thing is about this time of year is that it's also your birthday.
44:43
That's very true. Well, that's an incredible present. Thank you very much. And there's going to be a lot. A lot more harmonica in my life generally, and my work.
44:50
I feel like you could be really good on that instrument.
44:57
A troubadour.
45:00
The holiday horn. It goes do, do, do Holiday time. Have a carrot.
45:03
Have two carrots. Go to the toilet.
45:12
Take your time.
45:16
Holiday time. So listen, it's been a big year for celebrity couples, and I'd like just to know what you, Adam Buxton, what your predictions are for some of our favorite celebrity couples next year.
45:18
Okay.
45:34
I'm just gonna shoot you some names. Okay. And get your response. Diddy and Fiddy.
45:35
Diddy and fiddler Fiddy.
45:39
Yeah.
45:41
Oh, yeah. Okay. I. I just. I actually do know who they are.
45:42
Yes.
45:45
Diddy's in doo doo.
45:47
Why is Diddy and doo Doo. What did Fiddy do to did it to get him into doo Doo?
45:48
Because Fitty done.
45:52
Fitty done the doco.
45:53
Fitty done a doco. Diddy the baddie.
45:55
Did he debad. He done a lot of bad.
45:57
He lot of done a load of baddies.
45:59
According to Fiddy, Fitty produced it.
46:01
Produced what?
46:03
The documentary about Diddy. Yeah.
46:04
Diddy.
46:06
Yeah. Have you watched it?
46:06
Fiddy Diddy. He. Diddy did. Fiddy did Fiddy.
46:07
Do you know who else is involved? Fiddy, Diddy, Diddy, Doddy, Kevin, Doddy.
46:10
Oh, my God.
46:13
Doddy, Diddy and Fiddy. Apparently, Doddy's making a documentary about the Fiddy Diddy feud.
46:14
Yeah. With his tickle stick on his body.
46:22
Doddy's body? Yeah. Doddy's tickle stick on his body. Making the doco about Fidd.
46:27
Is it appropriate to be laughing at what? Diddy. Anything Diddy. But anything Diddy related. I mean, we're just literally.
46:35
You know who else is involved? Noddy. Noddy and Doddy and Fiddy and Diddy. Okay, you ready for another celebrity couple? Because I feel we've learned a lot about that. About that one. What about. What about Timmy and Kylie?
46:44
I don't even. I mean, I'm assuming Kylie is Minogue. No.
47:11
No. Oh.
47:15
Oh. Jenna.
47:16
Yes. And Timmy Chalamet. Yes.
47:17
What have they got to do with each other?
47:20
They're Together, Are they? They're an item. Wearing lurid orange tracksuits and things.
47:22
Yes, yes, yes.
47:28
What do you think? 26 holds for Timmy and Kylie?
47:29
Each other's parts. That's. I apologize to everyone.
47:32
Timmy does very well to be. He's a very good actor, and he does well to be taken seriously as an actor, but also to be a kind of figure of sort of zany paparazzi fun. Do you know what I mean?
47:39
Oh, yeah. He takes all the boxes.
47:51
In the olden days, actors, serious actors, wouldn't really want to be sort of seen in that sort of tabloidy, zingy, sexy. He's sort of like a pop star actor.
47:53
What's the film with George Clooney called? Jay something or other.
48:03
J. Kelly.
48:07
J. Kelly. Maybe you should watch that because that's what fame used to be like.
48:08
I have watched that.
48:11
Right?
48:12
Yeah.
48:12
Is it just like being dipped in golden celebrity juice?
48:13
What it made me feel is how difficult it is to be very famous and wealthy.
48:17
Oh, yeah.
48:21
And a film star. Really? Yes, really difficult.
48:22
Because I thought it would be fun.
48:25
No, no, no. You don't get to see your kids and it's awful.
48:26
Really?
48:28
Yeah, yeah.
48:29
But I thought. I assumed that you'd make a lot of money.
48:29
You have lots of tick. Yes, tick.
48:32
You go in a pool.
48:35
Yes, tick.
48:36
You get a big car.
48:37
Yes, tick.
48:37
And then it's all fun.
48:38
No, but when your kids are doing a little, like a little show for you, you have to go to be on set and it's very. It's very difficult.
48:39
What about your sense of your own self? I would imagine that it's pretty good.
48:48
Because you're playing so many other people, you forget who you are. It's all. It's really awful. I think it's possibly one of the worst jobs in the world in terms of human suffering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about Zenny and Tommy?
48:53
Zenny and Tommy. Okay, so this is Zendaya.
49:06
Yes.
49:10
Tommy Lee Jones. No, Tommy.
49:12
Tommy's Robinson. Spider Tom.
49:16
Hire Huddlestone. Who plays Spider Henderson? Holland.
49:18
Tom Holland. Son of a British comedian.
49:24
That's right.
49:26
Yeah.
49:27
They're going out.
49:27
They're definitely going out, I think. Are they married? They were engaged. I'm not sure whether they're married. Maybe Jacqueline Peepy can tell us, I think.
49:28
Does it respond to Jacqueline Pippi?
49:38
Yeah, mine does now because we've called it. We've called him Jacqueline Peepy so much.
49:41
I like Jacqueline Peepy. Is Zendaya and Tom Holland going out? Are they?
49:46
That's a Very modern. That was just a very modern moment. Is Zendaya and Tom Holland going out?
49:59
Are they. How do you make it, saying it to your phone?
50:09
I think that just saying that to your phone might have made you young again. Appledore is a city in the Netherlands located in the province of Gelderland.
50:13
We've done that one.
50:22
Okay.
50:24
All right. It's down here.
50:25
Good question. As of now, yes, Zendaya and Tom Holland are together. And not just dating. They're now engaged. The two publicly became a couple in 2021 after years of speculation. In January 2025, their engagement was confirmed. Zendaya appeared at the Golden Globes wearing a diamond ring on her left ring finger.
50:27
Thank you so much.
50:46
That's a good voice, isn't it?
50:48
Yeah. She sounds very. No, nonsense.
50:49
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sounds a bit like Marina Hyde.
50:52
Yes, that's right.
50:54
Yeah.
50:55
On top of things like authoritative, assertive.
50:56
But lovely to listen to.
50:58
Yep.
51:00
And very knowledgeable.
51:01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
51:02
Watch your back, Marina Hyde, because Jacqueline Peepee. Jacqueline Peepee's coming for you. Leaving a trail of celebrity behind you. Behind her. Okay, so did we learn anything about Zenny and Tommy?
51:03
Well, that they're together and that.
51:19
You learned that. I didn't. I knew that already.
51:21
Okay.
51:23
You barely knew who they were.
51:23
I think that I would imagine.
51:26
I mean, she's got the new Dune movie coming up. He's got the new Spider man movie coming up. They're both in Christopher Nolan's Odyssey.
51:27
Are they?
51:34
It's going to be a huge year for them.
51:35
What's Christopher Nolan's Odyssey?
51:37
It's a film by Christopher Nolan of the Odyssey.
51:38
Homer's Odyssey.
51:41
That's right.
51:43
Cord Bennett.
51:43
That's who it's written by.
51:44
Is it updated to modern times?
51:45
No, no, it's studiously real. And apparently he's done. It's like a kind of Ray Harryhausen movie, but Nolanified. So very serious and real and enormous. Yeah, I'm excited. I think it'll be thrilling. But it's very. A very big year for Zenny and Tommy. I've only got 20 more of these. Okay. You ready?
51:47
Sure.
52:09
What about Ellen and Portia?
52:09
Ellen is Ellen DeGeneres.
52:11
Yes.
52:13
And Portia Rossi Rosso.
52:13
Something like that. What's the bad news been this year? What happened in Ellen and Portia's life this year?
52:15
I think that they moved to the uk.
52:21
That's right. They moved to the Cotswolds, bought a.
52:23
Huge house because they got so fed up of being monstered in the U.S. yeah. And also, wasn't it a political protest?
52:25
She was. Ellen was accused of being beastly to her crew.
52:33
Yeah.
52:37
And so she became a sort of target and she didn't like the Trumpian atmosphere.
52:37
Right.
52:43
Don't know why. And left to move to England to escape the whole deal.
52:44
So the two. I mean it seems a little convenient that she was able to use Trump as an excuse to just run away from the accusations flying around.
52:50
This is what happened later.
52:59
This is the voice that I use. Is that.
53:01
Is this Chat Bux?
53:05
Yes.
53:06
You should do a voice on chat G. GTA GP GTX. Castrol GTX. You should do a voice on GTA 6.
53:07
What?
53:17
Listen, let's. Well, the. The big news is they don't like it in the Cotswold.
53:18
Oh really? Why? What's that?
53:22
It's too rainy and dark and boring. So they're going back to. To America. Good riddance. Who said that? Who said that?
53:23
It's Jacqueline Phoebe.
53:35
Jacqueline Phoebe.
53:37
The new Marina Hyde had a little snarky.
53:38
They should program it to say sort of slightly sarcastic, cynical things quietly in the background when not invited.
53:44
That feature is going to come in within the year, I would say.
53:51
Well, that's it. The other famous couples I had were Willie and Katie and Harry and Meghan. Oh, Laura, how's 96 looking for the. The two royal golden couple?
53:55
It's looking so nice, isn't it? Because a lolly. Lolly Maggie, she's had a bad time actually of quite a lot of years now and things have been going so wrong for Megan. She's really not that bad. She's nice and I think that two 26's is gonna be. If everyone likes Meghan's.
54:04
Again, very exciting listeners. We've been joined in the Christmas shack by her Majesty the Queen. Oh, Laura and your Majesty. What did you think of Megan's Meghan's Netflix show? Her lifestyle?
54:26
It's so nice. I loved it. It's really quite interesting as well and albeit a lot of nice quiet politics sometimes in there as well because it's quite good. I don't know.
54:37
I thought it was a little bit.
54:50
I didn't see it.
54:52
I ain't seen it. Sort of banal.
54:53
Didn't say it.
54:55
Apparently. She. She puts lots of things in little plastic bags and ties a ribbon around them and. No, like little, little, little snacks and. And sends stones in little plastic bags. Stones and ties a ribbon around the top and puts them in little baskets for her guests.
54:56
Sounds nice. I didn't watch it, but I Think it's gonna be a Laura. Laura. Nice. A better time for them.
55:15
And Willie and Katie.
55:25
Oh, they're just going from strengths to strengths.
55:26
And Prince Andrew.
55:30
I gotta go. I gotta go. I got turkey in the oven. I gotta go.
55:31
God bless you.
55:36
Bye.
55:37
Viva Regina.
55:38
Don't talk about me like that, please. This is pretty high brow, Stu. This is from Ste Thomas.
55:39
Is this a made up joke?
56:20
No, this is filed under random. Merry Christmas, chaps. Says Ste whenever I play Space Odyssey by David Bowie in my head. This always happens. Does anyone else get this? I can't be the only one. And by this he means this.
56:21
Well, I didn't before, but I am now. That's good. Did he send you that or did you make that yourself?
56:53
He sent that.
57:01
That's good. Let's do it again. I want to hear it again.
57:02
Of course I want to hear it.
57:04
Lots.
57:05
Of.
57:15
That's brilliant.
57:16
God, that's satisfying.
57:17
Yeah, that's good. That's how it should have gone. Yeah, but Bowie was just too pompous to just drop into that lovely, satisfying key.
57:18
I'm never gonna dance again.
57:26
Well, what is there to say about that? But that's a masterpiece. Stay. That's amazing. Ste. Ste. That's how you pronounce it with like. If you put a little accent on it, you get. Stay out of it. Stay. Stay. It's like E acute.
57:29
Stay another day.
57:47
Okay, here's another Prezi.
57:49
Oh, this isn't properly wrapped.
57:51
Now this is in a lovely. What do you call these things? Tote bags.
57:53
Tote bag.
57:57
Even though I'd say we've got too many tote bags in our house.
57:58
You never have too many tote bags.
58:01
Is that really true? Yeah, I suppose you could knit a tent out of them. Oh, look at this. Well, there we are.
58:02
Now, I'm guessing you didn't have a copy of this.
58:07
I do not have a copy of that. That's very kind. I'm already hypnotized.
58:10
Which record is this by your eyes?
58:15
This is. It's called Adam Buxton.
58:17
Up Buckle, Buckle Up.
58:22
Buckle Up, Buxton.
58:26
You've been confused by the circular circular writing.
58:27
Yeah, but it's very nice. This is very lovely artwork. This is your album. It's got a little pair of shorts growing off a T tree. These are all the songs, aren't they?
58:30
A lot of them.
58:39
A record, a smiley face, a heart like a WI FI logo. A little pair of shorts. It's like a wank rag.
58:40
It's a tea towel.
58:50
I'm sorry? A glitter it's not very Christmassy. Is it a glitter ball.
58:51
That's gonna be a. Of course it is. That's. You can't get more.
58:58
Anything that makes you happy. A bicycle wheel across. I just don't know. I think families listening to this in their cars, there might be a little bit of a change in the atmosphere. When I say Wank Rag, I think.
59:04
They understand that it's a bit of a roller coaster ride when they get on the Christmas podcast with Adam and Jim.
59:16
It's been an awful phrase, isn't it? It's not a very pleasant pair of words. What else?
59:22
What's a better phrase?
59:29
I don't know. Pleasure towel? I don't know. I don't think there is one. It just shouldn't be spoken about.
59:30
And then.
59:38
And I did it. I'm sorry. It's a beautiful album. Well, from the Wank Rag. It's a lovely piece of artwork. That's lovely. Thank you very much, man.
59:39
Well, you're welcome.
59:50
Have a record player, but it'll be a sort of ornament.
59:51
Yeah. Again, I won't be offended if you re gig.
59:53
I've got a lot of these images of your face staring out at me in my house.
59:56
Sure.
59:59
Well, the spines of two books on my shelves.
1:00:00
It's in fact the same illustration. Well, yeah, it's Helen Green's illustration.
1:00:03
I've had to put them on high shelves so they don't stare at me.
1:00:07
If I do another album, my face won't be on the COVID Okay. I thought that it would probably help the album to sell if they.
1:00:10
Yes.
1:00:19
If people could see. I don't think I did.
1:00:19
How's it doing?
1:00:21
I don't know, but I haven't got any large royalty checks recently.
1:00:22
Listen, the. What. What matters is the integrity of the work itself.
1:00:27
Well, exactly. And you know, this ties into. What I was going to say is that later on I'm going to play you a song from the new album. Maybe from the new album. I don't know. But I've. I learned something when I was doing the promotion for the record and it kind of ties into a lot of the themes of my memoir as well, which is that it can be difficult for my collaborators sometimes.
1:00:31
Right.
1:00:58
To deal with my levels of negative self energy. And I was doing a podcast called Tape Notes the other day.
1:00:58
Right.
1:01:06
Which I've done before, and me and Joe Mount, who produced the album, Joe Mount from Metronomy, we went on Tape Notes to talk about doing the album and played a few outtakes. And went through a few of them, the sessions. Anyway, at one point Joe said, you know, I really have had to bite my tongue a few times doing interviews with Adam when he puts down the album and he puts down his own songs and, you know, I feel like saying, no, these are good and I'm happy with them. And we worked on them together, you know, and it was really something I. It should have been absolutely obvious to me. And I definitely had thought it like I was being a little bit careful to not be too down on the whole thing. I don't think I've ever been negative about Joe Mount's contribution. He's been brilliant. But I certainly have sort of said, oh, you know, I don't know if I would call these songs and things like that.
1:01:07
And. But. And thereby insulting him and his work.
1:01:58
Well, exactly. I suppose so. Anyway, I took the opportunity to apologize to Joe on that podcast. I did really mean it. I didn't want to dwell on it too much and make it into an excessively maudlin moment.
1:02:01
But it was better do the other one as well.
1:02:15
It was emotional.
1:02:18
Just by talking about it on yet another podcast, you seem to be making currency of even your mistakes.
1:02:22
Well, exactly. But it's something that I'm working on.
1:02:30
Right.
1:02:35
And I've done a song that I'll play you at the end of the podcast, which I feel is a demonstration of my new direction.
1:02:35
Okay. That's very exciting. This is going to be a big year for one of the biggest celebrity couples in the country. Adam and his self esteem. Self esteem.
1:02:43
She's on the podcast next year. She's great. She may be one of my first guests, in fact.
1:02:53
Guess. Another prezzie.
1:02:58
Okay. I just gave you one.
1:02:59
Oh, of course.
1:03:01
Sorry.
1:03:02
Whoops.
1:03:03
Let's have some more jokes.
1:03:04
Okay, That's a good idea. More made up jokes.
1:03:05
Made up jokes. Made up jokes. Made up jokes. Party.
1:03:08
Here is a joke from Chris Dennett from Ulverston in Cumbria. What's the difference between AI and a haddock emporium renowned for its creative seafood displays, housed within a men's toilet made from old TVs. It's promising, isn't it? It's very good already.
1:03:13
It's good.
1:03:33
Do you want it again? Do you want to try and figure it out?
1:03:34
Yes, please.
1:03:35
What's the difference between AI and a haddock emporium renowned for its creative seafood displays, housed within a men's toilet made from old TVs.
1:03:36
Okay, so one is artificial intelligence. Yes.
1:03:44
And the others.
1:03:48
Tell me.
1:03:51
An artificial intelligence.
1:03:51
An Arty fish hall.
1:03:54
An arty fish hall Intelligence.
1:03:55
Intelligence.
1:03:57
An arty fish hall Intelligence.
1:03:58
An arty fish hall. An arty fish hall Intelligence.
1:04:00
Intelligent teligence.
1:04:05
Intelligence.
1:04:06
A men's toilet made from old TVs. The other great thing about these made up jokes is you just have to say them a lot. You've got to say it over and over and over again.
1:04:07
The punchline.
1:04:17
Yeah. And the setup before you get anything out of them, like a really, really old lemon that you've really got to squeeze really hard to get anything out of.
1:04:18
If you cut a lemon in half and you only use one half for your salad.
1:04:27
Other half.
1:04:32
Yeah.
1:04:32
Do you wrap it in foil, pop it in the fridge?
1:04:32
Is that what you do?
1:04:34
Yeah. And then throw it away when you get it out? It's. It's just the, the gesture, isn't it, of keeping it. That is a sort of salute to. To nature.
1:04:35
Dear Count Buckules and cornballs. Long time listener, first time writer. Do you like it when people say that?
1:04:45
Yeah, of course I do.
1:04:52
Yeah. It reminds me of old LBC days.
1:04:53
Yes. Clive Ball.
1:04:55
Yeah. Sexual and marital problems. I came up with this joke about four years ago and keep forgetting to send it in time. I've googled it and as far as I can see, it's not already made up. What do you call a non binary ladybird?
1:04:56
Okay, yeah, I like. It's not already made up. That's a good sentence. Like, because you might say no one's thought of it before.
1:05:11
Yeah.
1:05:19
But to be not already made up is a better way to articulate that.
1:05:19
That.
1:05:23
What do you call it? Not. Well, this I. This I think is part of a whole new school of jokes where people find words with a him or her in them and turn it into them. Isn't it?
1:05:23
Yes.
1:05:37
So. So what's the setup?
1:05:37
What do you call a non binary ladybird?
1:05:39
A themdy bird.
1:05:41
A they de bird.
1:05:43
A they bird. Okay.
1:05:44
They de bird.
1:05:45
A they bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there was a similar one from somebody which had Himalayas and it was themalayas.
1:05:46
Oh, yeah.
1:05:52
So, yes, good. Very au courant. And obviously a lot of people struggling with this shift in, in the culture and the language and, you know, trying to relax into it with some gags.
1:05:53
A lady bird.
1:06:07
Is that the punchline again? You're saying it again. A ladybird. It's good. It's very good.
1:06:08
That's from Ruth Tutknot from Osset. Well, I should not tutor West Yorkshire. And she says, I hope you like it. I Love you, Bye. Thank you so much, Ruth.
1:06:12
That was really good, by the way. The, the joke about the Himalayas was from Alex Hinds. His joke was. Did you hear the one about the non binary mountaineer who went missing on Everest?
1:06:22
They're all at it.
1:06:32
They found their body in the Themalayas. I just think we should be alert to this new strain of joke.
1:06:33
That's fine though. I mean, it's absolutely fine. It's not impugning anyone. Right. It's not. Not casting aspersions. It's not belittling.
1:06:39
No. But I feel it's like it's a little sort of. It's a little muscle exercising itself because of this little thing that's happened. So I just think a lot of the jokes will be quite similar.
1:06:48
Yes.
1:06:59
And they'll be along those lines.
1:07:00
Sure.
1:07:01
Here's a joke from ar. It says, dear Adam and Joe, when our son Alexander was 12, he came up with a joke that has become a family classic.
1:07:02
Family.
1:07:10
What do you call a really annoying Italian sandwich? Answer? A penny a pain. A panini. A panini ass. A panini ass is a tough one to sell. Say it again.
1:07:11
A penini. A panini ass.
1:07:27
That's good. You did it well. Really looking forward to the Christmas podcast. Take care, Arvne. That's a good one. That is a very good one.
1:07:29
Well, this one follows on a little bit from that.
1:07:37
Yes.
1:07:40
Where is it? Where is it, where is it? Where is it?
1:07:41
Just while you're looking for the next one, we also had a joke from Lucy Pickard and it went like this. Dear Adam and Joe, why did the baby octopus laugh? Because his daddy gave him ten tickles. Brackets, tentacles. Now this is a great joke, obviously, but it's also a joke that I made up as well this year for my daughter. But Lucy, I'd just like to comment that the joke is better if it's a squid, because a squid actually does have 10 arms. So the joke should really be, why did the baby squid laugh? Okay, so that's not because, of course, an octopus has eight. Yes.
1:07:43
Octopus octo. There's clues in the name, isn't it? Here's one from John Meredith that carries on from Paninias. Hi. El Bucalado and cornucopia.
1:08:21
That's correct.
1:08:36
Adam, you might remember I met you online as I asked you to do the Tony Visconti interview at Confetti Nottingham a few years back. Oh, yes, I do remember. And it was nice to meet Tony Visconti, albeit on zoom. Tony Visconti being David Bowie's producer, of course. Anyway, this is from John Meredith. John says my cousin is a baker and as part of his day job, his boss gave him an extended period of leave to travel around Italy eating long, small loaves of bread with crispy, floury crusts and an airy, chewy interior. It was a chibbatical.
1:08:37
Nice. I like that. That is a slam dunk. I mean, it's more efficient than funny. Yeah, it like, gets the job done. Say it again. A chibatical.
1:09:13
Tabatical.
1:09:22
Yeah. What's the setup again?
1:09:23
Cousin baker, day job, extended period of leave to travel around Italy eating long, small loaves of bread with crispy, floury crusts and an airy, chewy interior.
1:09:25
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A ciabatical. That's really good.
1:09:33
He's on.
1:09:36
That's really good. Very, very good. Very, very good. Yeah, you could say that to somebody who's just out, you know, having a little lunch break with a ciabatta. Whereas Tony. Oh, he's on ciabatical.
1:09:37
He's on his chibbatical.
1:09:45
That just means he's having a sandwich. Yeah, that's like more an addition to the national lexicon than a joke.
1:09:46
You know what? There's probably people groaning listening to this going. Everyone says that if you do the check. It's one of those things if you're on social media, probably everyone, like, if you're going to have your lunch or something.
1:09:52
We've established we're not on social media anymore.
1:10:04
I'm just going on tabatical, mate. I'll be back. I'll see you after.
1:10:07
I'm going for tabatical listen going forward. For listeners of this podcast. No social media. Yeah. Cause then you can just ride with our rhythms out of touchness and you'll.
1:10:10
Enjoy old jokes much more.
1:10:22
You'll just enjoy our output a lot more. If you go to the middle of a field, switch everything off, don't listen.
1:10:24
To any news, put on some relaxing music.
1:10:32
Relaxing music. Or an old rerun of a comedy that makes you happy from the 80s and just stay there.
1:10:34
Watch the Beatles Anthology on a loop.
1:10:39
That's how we really get the most out of us in this period of our career. What do you call the. What do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of.
1:10:41
Honestly, sometimes I think about the. The number of times that I've repeated whole. Not only jokes, but whole ideas, conversational topics, insights, observations, words of wisdom in the podcast. Like at this point, yeah, it's got.
1:10:55
To be loads, but that's okay. You know, essentially life's about getting up, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, having breakfast, having lunch, having dinner, brushing your teeth, getting undressed and going to bed, essentially, isn't it?
1:11:12
And just doing it over and over again. Trying to get a bit better at it each time. Yeah.
1:11:23
Or just enjoying the. The repetitivicity, the repetitive. Tea.
1:11:27
Here's one more. Before we leave the jokes for the.
1:11:32
Time, the repetitiveness, the repetition, here's a.
1:11:35
Joke from Ben Kelly. Where do clever electricians buy underwear and healthy snack treats?
1:11:38
Marks and spark plugs.
1:11:44
Come on, mate, you're nearly there.
1:11:46
Give me the.
1:11:48
You're a film guy. What do you call your electricians on a film?
1:11:49
Marks and Sparks. I mean, come on. That's what electricians are called on film sets.
1:11:53
So Close.
1:11:58
And Marks and Sparks and Spencer.
1:11:59
Clever electricians.
1:12:02
Marks and Bright. Sparks.
1:12:04
Jesus. Sparks and Mensa.
1:12:06
Sparks. That's good.
1:12:10
It's good.
1:12:15
That is good. Sparks and Mensa. That's a satisfying. What do you call it when you swap around the first letter?
1:12:16
Spoonerism.
1:12:21
Yeah, that's a satisfying one of them.
1:12:22
Thank you so much, Ben. Sam, Here's a message from George. He says, hi, Buckles and cornballs. And he has sent me a link to a YouTube channel where a few years ago he posted some videos of him doing songs with his hands. Like he just puts his hands together and squeezes air out from between them in a musical way. Have you ever seen anyone doing that?
1:12:24
Well, yeah, I've seen people do that. I could never have described it as musical. It's a sort of painful sort of cracking.
1:13:31
No, no, no, no, no.
1:13:38
Isn't that farty noise?
1:13:39
No, no. I mean, yes, it is farty, but it's tuneful the way that this guy George. Have you seen George doing it? No. Listen to this. This is George doing the Match of the Day theme with his hands. And I said to George, I emailed him and said, is that really just your hands or is there any post production? And he. And I said, I don't want to get in a whole cancellation scandal situation about this. He said, no, it's genuinely just my hands. So would you. Would you like to revise your initial slightly?
1:13:40
Yeah. That's very impressive. You know, that is so impressive, I'm surprised. A, he doesn't have an agent, B, he hasn't appeared on panel shows and radio shows and there is no. And C, that he's not very wealthy. That is a talent, isn't it? And especially because of the little. The little rhythmic stumble.
1:14:33
Yeah. Yeah.
1:14:51
At the end, which I thought really set it off beautifully.
1:14:52
He did the podcast theme with his hands. Your podcast? Yeah. You have plucked the podcast out and started listening. Took my microphone and found some human folk. I recorded all the noises while we spoke.
1:14:55
I think you.
1:15:19
Want you to enjoy this. That's the fun.
1:15:24
The sound of that and the sound of you mumbling along to it. The image in my head was you like when you've hit the skids, sitting in a puddle in an alley with really terrible wind, mumbling along to your own woe begotten podcast theme whilst farting it and going. Anybody like those? Like you're playing a tune on a road cone. No. That's good though. It wasn't as good as the other one because I feel he didn't really get the. The melody quite as well.
1:15:28
It was more just the rhythm.
1:16:03
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is quite a talent, isn't it?
1:16:05
That is quite a talent. I think.
1:16:09
Hecking hell.
1:16:11
I mean again, because we're not on social media. He probably has been all over.
1:16:12
No, what are you doing sending that to this show?
1:16:16
It's I think five years ago he did the match of the day one.
1:16:19
Right.
1:16:23
So we're probably only just getting the memo now.
1:16:23
Right, right, right.
1:16:26
I mean we literally are.
1:16:26
Are you sure he hasn't been on all the other comedy shows and where he last?
1:16:27
Not sure. Well, it's great because I'm disconnected from the world around me. Well look, here's a sound based present for you.
1:16:32
Oh, this is a big.
1:16:43
This is a big present. And this one, I tell you what, I hope you like it. I had such fun doing this and their artworks specially made for you.
1:16:45
So listeners, I should describe this is this looked like an Amazon box. A little shoe box to recycle. But it's just recycling. Inside are what look like.
1:16:56
Well, they're dog buttons. They're noise buttons.
1:17:04
Yeah, those big round sort of red.
1:17:06
Emergency buttons that like buzzers from quiz shows.
1:17:09
Yeah, but you can record a lot of them.
1:17:12
Yeah, I did six.
1:17:14
But on them are painted with what looks like Posca pen hand painted faces of famous people in lovely day glow colors. You have to take a picture of these.
1:17:15
Yeah, we'll take a picture and you'll be able to check them out.
1:17:28
Do I recognize that's.
1:17:31
That's link in the description to the picture.
1:17:32
Malcolm Muggeridge.
1:17:34
Oh my God.
1:17:35
Only because it's written on the side.
1:17:36
Oh yeah.
1:17:38
I thought it was Prince Charles. This one just says murder.
1:17:39
Well play.
1:17:43
Wait a second. This One says tippy toes. All right. From Sing 2, this one says order. Who is that?
1:17:45
John Burkow.
1:17:56
Oh, yeah, don't tell us though. All right, this one says Serious Eddie Murphy. That was a good documentary this year. Did you watch that?
1:17:58
Yeah, I like the first half of it.
1:18:07
Yeah, the first half of those ones are always good because it's all the other old stuff.
1:18:09
Yeah.
1:18:12
And then this one says Alora with her maj the Queen. Alright, let's see what sound these make. Are we ready? Let's start with tippy toes.
1:18:13
Tippy toes, Tippy toes. I can see your tippy toes.
1:18:20
Did you do that especially or is that from the film?
1:18:25
Did it specially? Tippy toes, tippy toes. I can see your tippy toes.
1:18:27
Okay, I'll never press that one again. Here's the next one. Murder. There is no harmony in the universe.
1:18:32
Only overwhelming and collective murder.
1:18:39
That's Werner Herzog. Wow, that's very good. Is that from Grizzly Man?
1:18:42
That's from Burden of Dreams.
1:18:47
Burden of Dreams. There is no harmony in the universe, only overwhelming and collective murder.
1:18:49
They're supposed to be buttons for training dogs.
1:18:55
Oh, hence you're describing them as dog buttons.
1:18:58
Yeah, yeah. So.
1:19:00
So you can record pat them with its paw?
1:19:01
Yes. So you can record food or out or whatever you want the dog to signal.
1:19:03
Did you try that with Rosie?
1:19:08
Yes.
1:19:09
Did she respond?
1:19:10
No. So that's why you've got now a collection of buttons with people's faces drawn onto them.
1:19:11
Man, I'm honored. Look at this. Malcolm Muggeridge. Tell the audience who Malcolm Muggeridge was.
1:19:18
He was a kind of public intellectual, writer, philosopher perhaps, who was around in the 50s and 60s. If you've ever seen the footage of John Cleese and Michael Palin getting roasted about Life of Brian on a TV show, that is Malcolm Mug, who's there with a member of the clergy, giving them a hard time. But he was someone my dad respected a lot. He was a kind of crusty old intellectual type. And there's a quote on that button that I always liked of his and I've no idea where it came from, but I think I must have recorded it onto a videotape back in the 90s when I would watch a lot of documentaries on BBC2 when I was at art college and he was talking about television. But it could apply to everything, every bit of visual media in the.
1:19:24
Let's see what he's going to say. Let's. Let's press Muggeridge. More and more news, more and more ads Stupefying us, bewildering us.
1:20:15
All the happenings of in the universe.
1:20:27
Compressed into a small screen, a flickering image. It's too much. The mixture's too rich. Wow. I mean, everybody always thinks that it's the end times, don't they?
1:20:29
Yeah.
1:20:47
And that whatever the thing is, is going to be the last thing.
1:20:47
Uh huh.
1:20:50
Because that's how I feel about some things. That's how I feel about Jacqueline. Peepee.
1:20:51
I think a lot of people feel that about Jacqueline.
1:21:00
Oh, here we go. That's it. Curtains.
1:21:02
It's too much.
1:21:05
It's too much. All right, here's Eddie. This is too rich. Look at this.
1:21:05
So that's Eddie being James Brown.
1:21:16
Oh man. So good. You're right. That Netflix documentary about him is. The first half is so good.
1:21:18
First off is so good that some of the clips, I went back and watched them on Netflix. Like choice selections from Delirious.
1:21:25
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:21:33
And, and stuff from Saturday Night Live. Like when he, when he does James Brown. Hot tub.
1:21:33
Fantastic.
1:21:39
Amazing.
1:21:40
This is the thing. Even the documentaries that are about the downfall of people, so the Michael Jackson one, the Neverland one, even I'm afraid the Savile one, the first half is always like, oh, I remembered those days. Wee chibble, fix it, hooray, beat it and stuff like that.
1:21:41
And then the gloomy music kicks in and then.
1:21:57
So here we go. Here is the queen. Let's press the queen. It feels disrespectful to punch her face.
1:22:00
Oh, you're not punching it, you're caressing it. It's only a short one.
1:22:05
That's punchy. Yeah, yeah. Laura, Laura. Lovely beef.
1:22:14
A lolly Beef order.
1:22:23
Okay. This is John Burkhow.
1:22:27
John Burkhow, yeah, the speaker.
1:22:29
He's a beautifully drawn.
1:22:30
The former speaker.
1:22:31
Is there a little bit of Tippix on there?
1:22:32
No, it's all Posca pen.
1:22:34
Posca pen. Okay, so how would we use these in a conversation?
1:22:36
Oh, that's a good point. I mean, I didn't think that bit through.
1:22:46
Well, they're amazing, man. I mean, I feel very privileged to.
1:22:49
Own these little bits of art for you.
1:22:52
Little bits of art. Thank you very much. That's amazing. What a gift.
1:22:55
You're welcome, Sam. One of my sons, Natty, went off for a job interview this year and you know, they're in their early 20s, the boys entering the working world. And he went off to interview for a job as a piano player in a Norwich bar. And while he was chatting to the manager, a little doggy came into the room. He told us this when he got back that night. We said, how did the interview go? He said, yeah, yeah, it was going good. It was going good. And then a little dog came into the room and it's called Charlie or something like that. And the owner was like, oh, Charlie, out you go. And Nat was like, oh, no, I like dogs. Hi. Hello, Charlie. Charlie's quite jumpy and excitable. Charlie jumps up on Natty's lap and manager's like, charlie, get down, get down. Natty's. Ah, it's okay. Hello, Charlie. Charlie's scruffling around there on Natty's lap. Interview progresses. Charlie does a shit on Natty's lap. So when Nat told us that, we.
1:22:58
Were all like, how did he say it?
1:24:46
He said, yeah, yeah. And so anyway, the dog kind of, like, did, like, shit on my lap. We're like, what? What did you do then? He was like, well, it wasn't big.
1:24:47
And did the owner go, charlie has decided you've got the job.
1:25:02
When Charlie does the job, I give the job. No, none of that happened because Nat didn't take. Tell him that Charlie had taken a. On his lap.
1:25:11
So it was a little poo. A poo in the crevice of the thighs.
1:25:21
It was a small poo. And this is what I said. I was like, did you say anything to the manager? And he's like, no.
1:25:24
Did he pop it in his pocket like you would with food you don't want to eat?
1:25:29
No, because Charlie ate it.
1:25:33
Dogs eating feces.
1:25:37
Yes.
1:25:38
You're a dog owner. You dogs do like eating feces.
1:25:39
They are known to. They can do. I mean, usually there's something psychologically amiss if that's happening.
1:25:42
Right. So Natty's just making. Continuing the casual conversation while the dog poos and then eats its own poo.
1:25:48
Yeah, yeah. And he doesn't at any point mention it to the manager. And I was like, why didn't you say anything? He's like, because it's a job interview.
1:25:55
Yeah.
1:26:02
And I said, I know it's a job interview, but I think you are within your rights. You don't have to like.
1:26:03
But he encouraged the dog in. The owner was trying to get the dog to leave. So really, Nat, I can see when that's coming from. He takes responsibility for the dog's actions in many ways.
1:26:08
He reckoned that it would have been unprofessional to mention it.
1:26:19
Yes.
1:26:23
And I was saying I think it's unprofessional not to. You don't want to Give the impression that you are someone who is literally and metaphorically happy to be shat on in your new.
1:26:23
Wow. Getting deep fast.
1:26:33
Well, isn't that us legitimate?
1:26:34
What happened?
1:26:38
He.
1:26:38
He did the note. Did. Well, carry on. What's the rest of the.
1:26:38
Well, he said. He said in his defense. His defense was no. It would have been unprofessional. And did you watch Succession?
1:26:42
No.
1:26:50
Oh, okay. Well, this won't mean anything to you, but those of you who watched Succession, this was Natty's defense. He said that if Tom Wamsgans from Succession had been shat on by Luke, Matt Mattison's dog, Tom Wamsgans wouldn't have said anything. And I said, I know, because Tom Wamsgans is an avatar for a kind of spineless, pathetic toady. And that is not someone that you should be using as a indication of how to behave.
1:26:50
And what happened in the end? Did he get the job?
1:27:21
Yeah, he got the job.
1:27:23
There you go. That's perfect.
1:27:24
I think he could have got the job and said, oh, by the way, your dog just shat on him.
1:27:27
Well, the thing is, if he'd said the dog shat on him, the owner might have felt, you know, obliged to give him the job to make up for the pooey pants.
1:27:32
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:27:41
Or at least given him one night of work. Well, just to pay for the cleaning bill. Did it leave a pooey residue on the trousers?
1:27:42
He said that it was in the car on the way home.
1:27:51
It was stinky.
1:27:54
It was, yeah.
1:27:56
Really? I think he did extremely well. He dealt with a very, very tricky turd based situation. Lap turd. And then because I would have probably been sick on the dog and then the dog would have eaten that as well. So revolting with the sight of a dog eating its own turd. How long did the dog wait between doing the turd and eating it? Did it like it fresh and hot or does it let it cool a little bit? Bit fresh, warm bun allow to chill?
1:27:57
No, of course. He just snapped it as soon as it was out.
1:28:24
That dog should do a cookery show, shouldn't it? And just leave it on this on the side to chill for a bit.
1:28:26
1, 2, 3, ready. This one's fresh out of the oven and it's ready to eat. And I think you'll find. Fine. The fridge could really taste the freshness.
1:28:36
Do it on Joe's lap. And here comes the garnish.
1:28:51
In a way, we're doing something much worse than anyone involved with that job meeting did. Which is where we're taking it to a much more disgusting place. And we are.
1:28:54
Why? We. Why?
1:29:06
Well, because of what we just said. All the things we just said.
1:29:07
The dog having a cookery show. Yeah.
1:29:10
And.
1:29:11
Yeah, that is disgusting. Disgusting. That'd be a disgusting program.
1:29:12
And also, we are now undoing all the good work that Nat did by not complaining about it.
1:29:15
Do you think the person who gave him the job might listen to this?
1:29:20
There's a chance.
1:29:23
Do you think he might lose the job?
1:29:24
If you are listening. It was such an amazing time when we found out that you had given Nat the job. And it was so such a cool thing.
1:29:25
The thing is, now customers might demand it as part of the show. They're gonna bring their own dogs. Is that the.
1:29:36
Is that dog shit boy?
1:29:44
I wasn't gonna say you had to say that. Is that dog shit boy? Is that love dog? Lap dog plot? Is that lap dog Plop. Nat. The dog sits on the piano looking uncomfortable. Now that's entertainment.
1:29:46
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello, hello, hello, hello, Hello, Hello. Hello, Hello, Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello. Oh, look. Bonus joke. Last bonus joke from Russ Clark.
1:30:21
Okay.
1:31:07
I once made a belt out of fresh herbs. It was a complete waste of time.
1:31:07
Yes. Yes. That's. That's good. I mean, it's solid. That's really solid.
1:31:14
But you're not chuckling.
1:31:17
I don't know. It's a sort of technical joke.
1:31:19
It's an intellectual feat.
1:31:21
It's an intellectual feat. It's a sort of, you know. I don't know. Busman's holiday.
1:31:22
I hear you.
1:31:28
It was a complete waste of time. Like, why? Because it didn't function as a belt. Do you know what I mean? I think there's more to.
1:31:29
I've moved on from it.
1:31:34
No, I'll never move on from it.
1:31:35
So I did a song in which I am trying to learn from having done press this year, having had to apologize to Joe Mount and to a degree, to you, Joe Cornish.
1:31:37
Yeah.
1:31:52
For being sometimes a difficult collaborator to be with because of my intense inward spiraling.
1:31:52
Your. Your empath powers and self criticism. I must say. Joe Mount got his apology. It. You turned it around a lot quicker than mine.
1:32:01
Yeah, but I wrote a whole, like, two books to say sorry to you anyway.
1:32:10
Two books?
1:32:15
Yeah. I do some mild apologizing in the first.
1:32:16
Thank you.
1:32:19
Second one is like a. One whole big long.
1:32:20
I forgive you.
1:32:22
Thanks, man.
1:32:23
I don't think you got anything to apologize for.
1:32:23
Okay, thanks.
1:32:25
I think it was great. Time of Our lives.
1:32:26
It was fun. Yeah. Anyway, there's still more chapters to go.
1:32:30
Yeah.
1:32:36
And going forward, I'd like to think that I'm going to be more positive and so to embrace that I've done a song in a modern style. Oh. In one of the defining styles of 2025.
1:32:37
Well, if the most played song in our house, the most played album in our house because we have a six year old girl, was the K Pop Demon Hunters album Bongo.
1:32:51
That is of course the style that is one of the best singles that I've heard in a long time.
1:33:01
Golden.
1:33:06
Golden. Yeah. I mean, every now and again something like that comes along and you're like, well done.
1:33:07
That's the genius though, isn't it? The huh huh. It's one of those songs that made no sense to me musically when I first heard it. But the little. You know, sometimes with a complicated song, there's one little bit that gets you that you can cling onto.
1:33:13
Right.
1:33:25
And just the ha at the end of each line in the first verse.
1:33:25
There'S so many good ideas.
1:33:29
So many good ideas. It's amazing.
1:33:30
Anyway, so. Well, here is my attempt at channeling some of that energy for a song about my musical journey of confidence. I was a worm, I was a dick. I was a weedy wormy dick. I didn't know I had a gift bigger than everyone else's gifts. The gift was for music. I put myself down, said I could, couldn't sing Even though I was the absolutely king of singing. And I thought my songs weren't good enough when in fact they were all actually very good. But then one day a powerful record executive heard my jingles and she said, oh my gosh, this guy has got a Laura. Laura Lonely talent Israel do an album. And now I'm smash, smash, smashing all of my music rivals. They're in a puddle Choking, gasping for survival? I am huddling up on my big successful rocket? Scattering songs below from my magic music pocket. I was sick of hiding my light under Gary for sure? But now I'm holding a hand so strong it'll win like a royal flush All I've got the musical equivalent of a royal flush in poker? Been trying so hard to be the me that's inside the me that's inside the me inside me? It's time to leave all the hurting behind? Gonna flush it with the poo and the pee? No more fake self deprecating like Hugh Grant in the rain? Cause people now prefer self confident Even if it sounds insane I'm going to crush Crush, Crush. Cold playing Taylor Swift I'll smash Bad Bunny into fun little tiny bunny bits. I'll make Drake bet for the scraps from my music plate. Bruno Mars is going to be parking cars. See you, Rosalia. Bye bye. Billy Eilish. Write to me if you would like some tips on being sty.
1:33:32
Holy shit. I mean, am I right in saying that you took singing lessons in preparation for your live shows with the Adam Buxton Band?
1:36:26
Well, I had one.
1:36:33
Because it shows.
1:36:34
It really does.
1:36:35
The one lesson really shows.
1:36:36
Yeah.
1:36:38
Especially on the. On the middle eight. Was that the middle eight?
1:36:38
When you go all full setup, it gets very breathy.
1:36:41
That's very good. And it's exciting to listen to because you're not. I mean, you're on the edge of your seat because you're not sure whether you're going to hit the note.
1:36:43
Sure.
1:36:52
And sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. But it's equally exciting either way.
1:36:52
It's thrilling.
1:36:58
It's like Mission Impossible. A mission. Watching a. An action sequence from a Mission Impossible movie. Is he going to do it?
1:36:58
It's like free solo. Did you ever see that movie?
1:37:04
Of course. It's very, very like free solo. And lyrically it's very strong with some very good rhymes, especially the one you have to actually explain during this song.
1:37:06
I played it to my wife and she didn't get the bit about the poker hand.
1:37:18
No, no, no. And so to stop the song or a little musical pause to explain it to the audience is something more singers should be doing.
1:37:21
I think so.
1:37:29
And you know, it's classy lyrics about pooh and pee, references to Hugh Grant in the rain. So contemporary film references. It's very young.
1:37:30
I don't even think he is being self deprecating in that scene.
1:37:41
It feels very young. And the thing I like most about it is the way it sort of captured the tune of golden whilst not being exactly the same.
1:37:44
Well, it's intended not to directly infringe.
1:37:54
Copyright legal reasons, but it was similar.
1:37:57
It was. It's a sound that's what I like. Yeah.
1:37:59
Yeah. Because if it's a bit like Harry Styles is big hit, you know, as it was, that was similar to Take On Me by Aha.
1:38:01
Right.
1:38:09
And that was a big, big hit. But there was a bit of time between the two. So I'd hold onto this for maybe 20 years, then pop it out, plop.
1:38:10
It onto someone's lap. Yeah, but 20 years, you reckon?
1:38:19
Yeah. When you're in your 70s.
1:38:24
That seems like a long time.
1:38:28
And then people who, you know, kids my daughter's age, they'll be in their mid-20s and they'll be like, oh, that's really like old school and new school at the same time.
1:38:29
But by that time, it might be fashionable to be self deprecating again.
1:38:39
Right. And this is too arrogant, too confident.
1:38:44
It's too confident saying, I'm gonna smash. Smash all of my music rivals. Yeah, yeah.
1:38:48
But there's an irony to it. It doesn't necessarily have to be taken at face value. Like it could be, if you really push your imagination, it could be interpreted as a song by someone who can't sing, who is like, no good and is bad. Is bad, like really bad. And everything to do with it and everything and everything around it.
1:38:53
You're supposed to be the one.
1:39:23
But I'm saying it works on both levels.
1:39:26
Both levels.
1:39:37
It's really good. Thanks very much.
1:39:39
You're welcome. Merry Christmas. Thank you so much for all my beautiful gifts.
1:39:42
Merry Christmas to you and Merry Christmas, listeners. We hope you have a lovely Boxing Day. If you're listening to this on Christmas Day, and if you're not listening to it on Christmas morning, then what the hell are you thinking? Bye. Bye, bye.
1:39:45
Well, I'll be back with you very shortly. Wait. This is an advert for Squarespace. Welcome to the finale of Web Games with me, Jimmy Website. After nine stupid weeks, we're down to just two contestants fighting to build their own website. The winner will be the one who loses the least amount of the world's most valuable commodities. Time and patience. The websites must look professional and be easy to maintain. How's it going, Abby? Pretty good, Jimmy. I'm using Squarespace to build my website because you can do a free trial there and experiment with a wide variety of great looking templates into which you can easily add text, pictures and videos. How about you, Mike? I'm not using Squarespace. I'm trying to set up an online store and it's making me sad. Oh, Mike, you're losing so much time. Your life is slipping away. Dude. Brutal. I've just finished my free trial and I love my Squarespace website, so I'm gonna buy it. Oh, I'm being asked if I have an offer code. I'm gonna type in Buxton. I just saved 10% on my new Squarespace website with the offer code. Buxton. I just tore the last of my hair out. Oh, sorry. Mike, you are a loser. And now you're gonna be dropped through the floor onto a mat not far beneath the floor. You should have gone to squarespace.com Buxton, you loser. Don't worry, Mike, you still can. Thank you.
1:40:00
Continue.
1:41:21
Hey, welcome back podcats. Thank you so much to Joe Cornish for making the time to come and join me once again in my Christmas shack. It was lovely to see him and I'm so grateful to him for all his friendship and generosity, especially this year supporting me promoting my book I Love youe. Bye. What do you mean you haven't read it yet? The audiobook was nominated for a prestigious audiobook award, the speakeas in all inaugural year, unfortunately I was in a category, the memoir category with some really quite heavyweight books. And Sarah Wynne Williams, the Facebook whistleblower, won for the audiobook version of her excellent book called Careless People, which I certainly recommend. But after you finish Careless People, I think it's time for I love you. Bye. Put a lot of work into it, me and the audiobook team from HarperCollins. Thanks to all of them. And Joe joins me at the end of it for an exclusive podcast waffle about the book and what he thought of it. So check that out. Don't forget as well to get in there early for tickets for the Adam Buxton Band tour in spring 2026. Kicking off on the 1st May in Manchester at the Stoller Hall. Then we're in Leeds, Exeter, Cardiff, Bath, Brighton, Margate, Buxton, Nottingham and Leicester. That's where it stands at the moment. From the 1st to the 19th of May, those shows are. I hope you can come along. If you demand more buckles talking about about music and the record, then don't forget to check out Tape Notes with myself and Joe Mount talking to John Kennedy. And there's me on the Soda Jerker on Songwriting podcast. An honour to be on both of those. And they're always beautifully put together and produced and you know, they have so many top, top notch guests on both of those podcasts and it was a real thrill to be included. House of Games towards the middle of January 2026 before I say goodbye today, I just wanted to give a few brief shout outs to a handful of podcasts whose messages I particularly enjoyed. I enjoyed all of them. Thank you very much. If you were one of the people that sent them in, we read all of them. Them and much appreciated. Yeah, it was really kind of you. Thank you. And I'm so sorry that we only got to read a small handful, but there was loads there that I really enjoyed. Colin and his wife from Hebden Bridge. Thanks for your message. Gareth and his daughter Trixie. Hey, Trixie. I hope you're doing well. Richard, Harland, Simon Dickey, Jack, Gavin, Martin. Hello, Martin. Dot, Andrew, Henry, Flossie and Stan. Hope you're all well. There was Rosie Sneddon who said, my six year old daughter came home from school and excitedly told me that she'd been learning about biology. She very proudly announced, did you know mummy boys don't just have a penis, they also have tentacles? That made me laugh. It's also true. It doesn't get talked about enough, I don't think. Thanks, Gavin. Sheil Shiel Shail for the joke about the witchy tall linesman. Can work backwards from that one. Thanks, Martin. For the Greek drug addict, Mr. Popolotopils. Thanks, Joe, Ben, Clem and Finn, who when told by his mum that she would be there in a minute or two, asked, why are you calling me tortuous? Oh, it's cold. Can you hear that wind? It is icy. Thanks, Ben. Why did the matchmaker set up two perfumiers on a date? They just made sense together. Thanks, Alex. Beth Cooper and Ava. Ava made this joke up, which is a kind of brilliant meta construction incorporating a couple of tropes. Why did Roger the Chicken cross the road to get to his friend's house? Knock, knock. Who's there? Roger the Chicken. Thanks, Ed. Norrie, which animals can see inside you? Cats can. I mean, I can't believe that hasn't been made before, but I did check, couldn't find it. I just got the AI assistant saying, I believe this is a punishment and there's no evidence that cats or any other animal can actually see inside your body. And thanks to John for this joke which goes like, hey man, I liked your joke about a Liam Neeson sequel where he rescues his daughter from a convent, but the punchline was too contrived. No offence. None taken. Okay, that's it for 2025 from this podcast. Thank you very much, Seamus Murphy Mitchell, without whom I'd be lost. Very special thanks to Kid Klarver for his musical assistance with my K pop song. Thank you, Mr. K. Thanks, Helen Green for the beautiful artwork and and while I'm at it, thanks Bryony Jackson for your beautiful artwork for the album. Thanks to everybody at ACAST who work so hard liaising with my sponsors. Thanks to everybody who appeared on the podcast this year and thank you so much for listening. If you'd like a creepy festive hug, now's the time. I've got my ski jacket on because it is arctic. Come here. It's happening. Let's have a festive creepy hug. Hey, how's it going? I hope you're doing okay out there keeping it together. I hope things are not too stressful at this festive, stressive time of year. This podcast will be back with you in urban early 2026, probably around about March or April. Until then, please go carefully. It's ridiculous out there. And for what it's worth, I love you and so does Rosie. It's true. I do. Like and subscribe like and subscribe like and subscribe Please like and subscribe Give me like a smile and a thumbs.
1:41:39
Up Nice like a pat with me.
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Bums up Give me like a smile and a thumbs up Nice like a pack when my bum's up like and subscribe like and subscribe like and subscribe please like and subscribe Give me like.
1:48:46
A smile and a thumbs up I.
1:49:01
Take a fight with my bums up Give me like a smile and a thumbs up. Sam, It.
1:49:03