#730 - IAN FIDANCE + DUNCAN TRUSSELL

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Fuck yeah! Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, that's hot! Oh my god! And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Huevos Rancheros, and the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. They call him Big Mike. Some people are saying that he grows inches every week. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and Live in the Flesh. Let him hear you, the one and only D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god, this episode is brought to you by Talkspace, Open Phone, and ToCovas. We have a bunch of other amazing sponsors as well. Here's a little bit more from them right now. Are you guys really ready to start tonight's show? I'm telling you, it's about to go down every single week. I mean, we're really doing it, Red Band. Oh, I forgot to mention, this is the first episode that we've ever taped. 12 years and two months of doing this show nonstop, never missed a Monday release. This is the first time in our history, right now, and it might only last one week, in which we are actually the number one podcast in the world. So very exciting, a wild, wild accomplishment. Don't tell the guy that owns the club, but this week we are the number one podcast. Oopsie, Daisy. Sorry, boss. Now we're all best friends. It's all very exciting. Speaking of best friends, I booked two on tonight's show. An absolute legendary episode ahead of us. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best to ever be on this show. You're here, you're lucky. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for our guests. And now we're going to take a look at the return of Duncan Trussell and Ian Bidance. Yeah. Ian Bidance. Duncan Trussell. Oh yeah. It's going down. It is going down. We have fun. Every Monday you guys have done this show before. Very exciting. Absolutely thriving in showbiz, unlike Stephen Colbert, who no longer is employed. Jimmy Kimmel is next. They will all fall in line and bend the knee to me, the new young king. And my guests are Ian Bidance and Duncan Trussell this week. Duncan was my first ever favorite comedian in the world live 18 years ago. I saw him for the first time at the comedy store. Special appearance at the end by the great another Hall of Fame nominee guest, Lil Hobo. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, Lil Hobo. How's he been? Not great, man. You know, after the last appearance here, he's already addicted to drugs, but after the last appearance, he'd spiraled into heroin addiction, spent some time on the streets. And yeah, he was just in like a really horrible Waymo accident. Wow. Well, prayers up to the great Lil Hobo. Thank you. A ventriloquist doll that has the soul of an aborted baby in his heart, right? You know, man, I just have to say this. When somebody is in a deep, deep drug spiral, they say things like that. And yeah, he did claim to have an aborted fetus in his heart. And hell Satan. Ian Bidance also here. Hi, Ian. Welcome. Duncan Trussell is going to Australia, Columbus and Orlando. He's on social media. I am a L six nine. Good luck. Rewinding that and following him on Instagram. Animal. I animal six nine. He's going to Chicago, Oxnard. And what the fuck did I write Irvine? That's what it says. Hi, Ian. Hi. Welcome back. Thank you guys have both been on the show multiple times. You know how it works over 300. I do believe right around there. People signed up true, truly insane. The amount of humans that are in this bucket. It's absolutely crazy. Names are falling out. If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds on and erupted. You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview with them. We find out everything about them. They go from being a comedian for a minute to a guest on a podcast. Absolutely out of nowhere. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? I'm going to let one of these great Puerto Rican boys pull out the first name. Look at that. A true, the brown hand of a man. That's a funny looking name. We'll see if that's a real human. And in the meanwhile, we are going to start the show with one of our esteemed golden ticket winners, ladies and gentlemen. We don't get to see a lot of this guy very often because it's not easy to write a new minute of comedy every week. He was very, very new and green when we found him. And here he is giving us a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, a fan favorite and adorable species unlike anything we've ever seen before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for the return of golden ticket winner, Heath Cordes, everybody. Here we go. Here we go. Ho-ho! Oh, I moved to Texas about two years ago. And before I moved here, I was living with my grandma and I liked living with my grandma a whole lot, but I had to move out. It was time. I had to move out. Because, you know, me and grandma, we would fight. Me and grandma, we would, we would tousle, you know. Like, she was a baker. She liked to bake cookies and cake and brownies and everything that was good. And I liked it a whole lot and I would eat it up too fast. And she would tell me how to piss her off. And she would say, stop doing that. It pisses me off. And I tried. I tried to control myself, but I didn't have any self-control. And she knew that. She knew I didn't have self-control, but she still made the sweets. She was like a pimp feeding crack to her bitch. I'd have to bag for cookies. And bag, I'd say, please. Please. She'd say, shut up. No, I didn't do that. I didn't. It's just a joke. She's a homophobe. I didn't suck her peanuts. She's a... Alright, thank you. Alright. Heath Court is a very interesting set. A lot to unpack there. A lot to unpack. What do you think a homophobe is? No, my grandma, she was one of the first transgender, you know? She has a penis, but she's a homophobic grandmother with a penis. And she's... Heath, you're out of your fucking mind, little guy. Out of his mind? That's exactly my favorite genre of porn. Damn. Old grandma tussling. No, homophobic grandma with a penis. Oh, yeah. I love that. Yeah, my grandma, she has a site. I'll give you her website. Great. I'll give you the porn website for you to jerk off to. What? Dude, I already jerked off to your grandma under the table. I am hard as a rock, though. It's rare comedians can mix eroticism with such great jokes. What the fuck is real? Yeah, I don't know. I'm a little confused. Just to make sure your grandma doesn't have a dick, right? No, she doesn't have a dick. It's a joke. I'm sorry, guys. Did you guys ever fight? No, we didn't fight too much. Did she bake? That was anything real, Heath? No. Did you even like cookies? Well, I loved her cookies. I loved her cookies, Ian. I loved her cookies. That wasn't the thing. She did make me feel guilty for eating the cookies, and that's where the art came from, you know? I love it. Heath, let's talk about real life for a second. You're a little bit of a rock star around these parts, right? You work at the mothership like five nights a week, at least, and you're always around. You're doing shows all around town. Everybody knows Heath Cordes, the little legend. Yeah, it's fun on 6th Street. It makes me feel pretty cool. Yeah, speaking of which, I was given a little bit of information that you might not know that I know. Oh, no. Yeah, I was shown... I was shown video, I believe it was Saturday night, breaking news. Breaking news. I was shown a little video on Saturday night, and someone said to me, one of the managers here goes, ooh, you know about your boy? Uh-oh. And I go, no, and which boy? And they go, little Heath. The boy. The boy, the true boy, the one true youngling. And they showed me video of them carrying you and throwing you in the backseat of an Uber, because what happened there, Heath? Tell us exactly what went down. I got pretty drunk. And I got pretty drunk, and I thought I went home. I remember the Waymo trip, and I thought that I went directly home. But apparently I went to Mitzi's in between. And I got carried out of Mitzi's by a security guy. And I pissed myself in the Waymo. Wow. Wow. That's Waymo that we needed to know. Wow. How do you know that you pissed yourself in the Waymo? Because my pants were very wet the next morning. The next morning they were still wet. They were very wet. You naughty little boy. Wow. What exactly do you... How much do you have to drink to get that drunk? What is that, a full can of beer or something? What puts you in that type of place? No, I'm getting good. I'm getting good at it. It was at least eight or nine drinks that night. Oh my God, Heath. What's going on with you, buddy? Do you feel okay? You're just having fun. You're 20, what, two now? I've never felt better, Tony. Wow. Look at you, you fucking little party machine. How old are you? I'm 23. I just had my birthday. 23. You don't look a day over 11. It's incredible. And you've been drinking a lot like that, or was that like a special thing? It happens a little too much. What do you think about that? What are we thinking? You think you might have a little problem? I might have a little problem. A little problem for a little guy. That's adorable. Come on! That's adorable. Who needs grandma's cookies when you can have a glass of straight whiskey? Amen. He's not going to go through the 12 steps. I'll go through the 12 stools. Are you drunk right now, Heath? I'm a little buzzed. What have you been drinking? What is going on over here? Someone put a little white claw in your baba. Yeah. Someone put a little whip, dip your pacifier in some whiskey. They did. Yeah. And now if they did whiskey, I'd throw up. I can't do whiskey. Of course. Yeah, I just do jello shots. Okay, no, seriously. What do you really drink? Like that night that you pissed yourself in a waymo, what did you really drink? Yeah, like limit drops and gay shit. Like when jello shots. Really? I don't think I'm gay, but like I drink gay. That's okay. That's okay. Nothing wrong with that. Wow. Amazing, Heath. Well, I mean, it's, I love it, you know, me and all my friends, we all grew up at the comedy store. You know, it was our college experience and it's fun to get to watch you go through. Look at you hitting a vape pen up here. Like you can't, like I'm not about to send you off. He's just got to show off to, oh yeah, I'm a real, I'm a real boy. Just a vaping boy. A vaping boy. Can't wait 15 more seconds for that hot hit of vape. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But we love you, Heath. It's so fun to watch you grow physically and mentally here at the mothership. We love you, you young buck. You're on your way to wild success. Can I champion one thing on the show real quick? Please. Sure, Heath. I had a threesome. Whoa, okay. Hold on, hold on. Hold on a second. Hold your fucking horses. Now we got something to talk about. Now we got something to talk about. Yes, black power, absolutely. Holy, whoa, whoa, Heath. Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, don't do that, Heath. God, Dad, stop doing that, Heath. Don't do that. You little rabble rousers, settle down. You settle down, you crazy bastard. My guys. Jesus Christ. Trying to get away from the whole Nazi thing. God, damn it. Fastest, Tony Hinchcliffe has 11-year-old Nazi training the Hitler youth over here. He looks like the kind of genetic freak Hitler was trying to get rid of. Damn. Let's talk about this threesome, or as many people are calling it already, a two and a half sum. What happened? How did it go down? Let's talk about it, Heath. It was a very hot lady who had her normally fans account. And I made out with her like a year ago. And I wasn't supposed to do that because I was dating somebody at the time. Whoa. And so like everything, she's been like totally hot for me, you know? And it didn't work. I was going to put on a mustache, but it didn't work. You could pick it up. Pick it up, Heath. You have another shot at this. I don't know what you're doing, but... Okay. Did the adhesive stay on the other side of it? Okay, let's skip the mustache. Let's get back to the threesome. Wow, can you just real quick, just for my own super confusion, why were you going to put on a mustache there? It was supposed to be like a metaphor about how I'm a man now. Oh, okay. Well, God has his own very funny sense of humor. God's like, no way, bitch. Okay. A flag on the play. All right, so let's talk about this threesome. Yeah. So what happened? So it happened. It was with a very hot lady, and we met at the strip club. Hold on, Heath, let me tell you. We got the hot lady part. Yeah. For it to be a threesome. There has to be one more. There was another one. It was her friend. I don't remember her name. I don't know her name at all. Okay. It was your friend. Man, you're going to get sex traffic, man. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm serious. You can't fuck around, dude. There's no one easier to traffic than somebody you can fit in your glove compartment. You got to be careful. I know. I got to be more careful. Thank you. His threesome was just him and a baby being one two people fucked. So Heath, take us through it. How does it go down? You're at a strip club. Is that what you said? I met her at the strip club. Yeah. Okay. And then we went to her place. Uh-huh. And I don't remember a whole lot of it. But I do remember that both of them did stuff to my penis. You were molested. This is, this is what a show this is, right? One second he's doing Nazi salutes. The next he's admitting to being molested. All to start the show. So you just, that's your, that's what you remember? That's what I remember, Tony. Do you remember anything else? Were your pants wet the next morning? Yeah, they were a little wet. Yeah, they were a little wet. Did they film it? You said it was only fans. I sure hope they didn't film it. Oh my God. It's her only fans. Nope. Nope. Any other details about it that you remember? No, I remember feeling shamed the next day. You felt shamed? Yeah, I felt shamed. Imagine how they felt. What the fuck did we do last night? They felt nothing. Just rare stripper guilt. The rare SG. All right, the show has begun under the unbelievable control of Heath Cordo's, ladies and gentlemen. Great job. And now we go to the bucket. You guys know this is the part where things can get a little bit wacky because we're meeting people. Anything can happen. A lot of these people's hearts are beating out of their fucking chest because minutes before they have no idea that they're going up. And all of a sudden now they're on the biggest comedy show in the world. This looks like a fake name, but I'm going to read it anyway. We're going to see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the name goes by Tony Pepperoni. Oh my God, it's Tony Pepperoni. Hey, it's me, Tony Pepperoni. Hey, what do you call it when the Wright brothers do 9-11? The wrong brothers of Mamma Mia. When I say Mamma Mia, you say Papa Pia. Mamma Mia. Papa Pia. Hey, what's a fat lady's favorite computer Adele? Mamma Mia. Hey guys, anxiety is like vaping. Just because you're not ashamed of it doesn't mean it's not gay. Mamma Mia. What was that? Say some racist jokes. Okay. Hey, what do you call a Chinese guy with a lot of money? Cha-ching? Mamma Mia. What do you call an Italian with herpes? The Tony Pepperoni. Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Unbelievable. Welcome to the show, Tony Pepperoni. Thank you. You absolutely destroyed. This is incredible. We've never had anything quite exactly like you on the show before. Wow, your name is Tony Pepperoni. You are also wearing a shirt covered in Pepperonis. You took the approach that Heath should have taken to a fake mustache. Just gone straight duct tape, none of this fucking just regular padding bullshit over here. And for some reason, why not? You're wearing a chef's hat that even chefs don't ever actually wear. It's just basically a costume. Tony Pepperoni, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Oh wow, look at that. How long have you been experimenting with the Tony Pepperoni character? Three years. All right. Two years in and you're like, I need to try something else. Did you notice an improvement when you made the big switch to Tony Pepperoni? Huge improvement. Huge. People love Tony Pepperoni. Now where have you been doing this at? Austin. Oh, you've lived here in Austin the whole time? Yes, sir. This is where you're originally from? Yes, sir. Wow, amazing. Amazing. So Tony, Mr. Pepperoni, if I may, what do you do for work exactly? I'm unemployed. What was the last job that you had? I worked in tech. I was a tech bro. Okay, up until when? How long have you been unemployed for? Eight months. Eight months? Holy shit. I mean, what's your plan, Tony Pepperoni? I got to sell some t-shirts. If anybody wants to go on my Instagram, I'm selling t-shirts. Are they Tony Pepperoni t-shirts? Yeah. Well, you're about to sell out. What's your Instagram? Tony Pepperoni Comedy. Wow, Tony Pepperoni Comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Support Tony Pepperoni. We love Tonys, and we love Pepperonis. Incredible. How many t-shirts have you sold up to this date? Zero. Wow, amazing. We would expect nothing less, nothing more. That is theoverunder at draftkings.com using the promo code killtony. So let's talk about it, Tony. What do you do for fun? Sometimes I make rap beats. Like on a computer at home? Yeah, yeah, on a computer at home. You don't do it with your mouth or anything? Well, sometimes I rap. Really? Yeah. Wow. It's not good. I mean, guys, I mean, I don't care if you say it's not good. You're wearing a chef's hat. You have duct tape on your face, a Pepperoni shirt, and you crushed your set. Michael, give us a little light beat. Tell them the beat that you want, Tony Pepperoni. A slow beat. Hey, give me that spotlight. Yo. Put your hands in the air. Put your hands in the air. When I say, mom, I'm here, you say I pop a beer. Bob, I'm here. Bob, I'm here. Yo, see ya. I wouldn't want to be ya, because you ain't the one, the one that's wearing pizza. That's me, Tony P, P-E-Double-P-R-O-N-E. Ain't no phony, ain't no bologna. It's cheese and pepperoni. Check my Insta, fire shirt, and get to know me. Wow. I'm getting reports in my ear that that is one of the most prolific raps in the history of the show. Some people are saying, they're also saying that you just said Pepperoni five times. It's absolutely incredible. Wow, what's your real name? Anthony. So you really are a Tony. Yes, sir. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Is there anything else crazy we should know about your life, Tony Pepperoni? I used to work in the sewers. Used to work in the sewers? Yes, sir. Absolutely amazing. A red band on the ones and twos. No better time for an Italian stereotype than Tony Pepperoni telling us that he worked in the sewers. What exactly did you do in the sewers? Mostly I crawled in the sewers and I got all the big rocks out of the way. Wow. Okay. Amazing. Wow. That is incredible. Is there anything else that you did other than move big rocks out of the way in a sewer? Did you have any other responsibilities at all? I've never heard of an actual Italian doing anything like this in the past 150 years. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so there's that we had to inspect the sewer pipes with a camera. So I would lower the camera in and then pull it back out. Wow. Very good. Very good. Pulling out is exactly what you should be doing, Tony Pepperoni. But I'm going to tell you what, I loved your minute. I loved the interview. I loved everything about it. It's completely insane, but I like it. Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen, has started the show. Started the bucket. And we have pure moments of going into Bucket Pull number two. Absolutely incredible. One more time for Tony Pepperoni, everyone. Oh my God. Oh my God. Speaking of Pepperonis. The lovely Heidi Lee. How about a hand for Heidi, everyone? One of the backbones of our squad here. All right, we're having fun. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ian Simon, everyone. Ian Simon. Thanks, Slip Noise, for Ian, everybody. How the fuck is everybody doing? This is a great evening. Glad to fucking be here, guys. Fucking band. Amazing. All right, so let's start off on fucking Jew. All right. I'm a German Jew, to be exact, so it's very confusing for me a lot. Sometimes I'm like, oh, hey, hey. The other times I'm like, see, Kyle. It's very kind. Hey, I could fucking say it, guys. Anyway, here's one for you. What do you get when you cross a Jewish guy? Nothing? Christianity. Bring it back. Okay, so we have any animal lovers out here? Everybody loves animals. You got a fucking dog. Come on, you got a dog. Yeah, see, dog's a cat. You're good. So I got a black cat, black rescue cat. I named her Toothless from How to Train a Dragon. And let's just say she had teeth when I found her. I really love me some black pussy. Speaking of fried chicken, if this doesn't work out well, I'm going to open up a food truck, because every time you want, every time you want Chick-fil-A, it's closed on a fucking Sunday, dude. Bullshit. Ian Simon. Side chicks. Whoa, okay. Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian. Stick with me over here. That's it. That's it, buddy. That's it. Your part's done. Hi, Ian. You've seen the show before, right? Not till the end. Not till the end. I always turn it off before the end. Okay, but you know... I don't want you to see the bad guy die. Okay, Ian. Stick... Stick... Monster movies. Oh, Ian. Oh, ADHD is a hell of a drug, Tony. Okay, well, it doesn't work very well on this show. You're in the interview part now, Ian. I need my crutch before I forget. Harlan Williams gave me a crutch, a silver crutch. I'm sorry I should be doing this, right? Are you supposed to be talking? You are correct. Wow. Somehow your instincts took over there. Look at that. Amazing. Thank you. Ian, so you've been on the show once before, right? Yes, sir. And Harlan was the guest. What did we learn about you that night? That I'm damaged goods, pretty much. But, you know, in a good way. What way? Can you explain? Can you remind us what we learned exactly? I probably shouldn't be out in public. Why? I wish it was something cool, like Tourette's or something like that. I'm just borderline retarded. Okay. Like, not special needs, but the other retards. The one that used to, before they switched it up and everything went sideways. You know, you could just be like, that's retarded. That motherfuckers a f***, you know. Can you please change your name to not Ian? Please. Please. Perhaps something that rhymes with a pizza topping or something like that. Like, mama mia and the papapia. There you go. Yeah, you got it. There you go. It's diarrhea. Hey, killing yourself. Hey, oh! Ian, how long have you been on stand-up? About a year and a half, two years. What do you do for work? Nothing at the moment. Thank you for asking, though. We touched on it last time. I had disability for 20 years because I'm all fucked up. How'd you get fucked up? It's been a run of interesting, you know, seriously. Can you just name some other things? Yeah, car accidents, adrenaline junkie crap, just run of the mill. Driving your car, driving his car into protests. Yeah. I've been known to get a protest or two on the way to Circle K or 7-Eleven. Okay, Ian, we're going to keep it moving. You got a little joke book last time you were on? Fuck no, I didn't. I got a crutch. You got nothing. I want a crutch. You got nothing last time. No, no, I got a silver crutch. I could see why you got nothing last time. You know, I was in ER twice for my legs. Here, catch this. There he goes. Ian Simon, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. Ian Simon, everyone. He's leaving now. There you go, Ian. That's my wife. There he goes. There goes Ian Simon, everybody. One more time for Ian, everyone. There he goes. Hell yeah. There's a vibe tonight. Anything can happen on this show. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Yeah. Mark Fitz. Yeah. Mark Fitz. Yeah. Mark Fitz. Yeah. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Hot air balloon, man. My legs are shaking. Uh... Man, he could go on to be the next giant hairy scrotum float in the next Gay Pride parade, man. Oh, that's something for an old tranny to put on his bucket list, ain't it? Short tag. Quick and funny. Parade floats bust open sometimes. If that scrotum float was the bust open, that would rain down, come all over those f***ers, like, manna from the heavens of the great gods. Gay gods. Thank you. That's my time. Okay. Mark Fitz. Welcome to the show. Mark, this is your first time on, correct? Yeah. I would remember if you've been on before, and I loved seeing new faces up here. And... And... We like your style, Mark. What'd I do? You got the boys laughing. You got everybody laughing. You did... You did... We are so relieved after the last comedian, believe it or not. Basically, you're like, after... After Ian Simon, you're basically Richard F***ing Pryor right now. We would have laughed at anything, and you did... I don't do the black face. Good enough. No, don't worry about it. Don't ruin it now, Mark. Just play it cool. Wait until I ask you a question, Mark. Play it cool, Mark. You're doing good. Duncan Tressel. I wasn't laughing at your jokes. Uh... Mark... Same. I was laughing because, like, the only funny part of that, to me, was when you kept saying my legs were shaking. Yeah, when I did the scrotum thing, I looked down, and my knees were okay there, but I went like this, and my knees were like... See, that's real. Yeah. Everything else is bull... You... I don't... I can't imagine that at some point, you're like... I wonder what happens if an old transvestite... You think if they eat beans, they shit a fart? Uh... So let's talk about it, Mark. You have a very good command of the stage. You're calm, cool, collected. How old are you, Mark? 63. How long have you been doing stand-up? That's a loaded question. 44 years, but technically... Technically, this is my first time on stage. I... All right, explain that to us. The first time I ever actually did a stand-up act was when I was in 11th grade. I was in this class. It was called a speech class. And every week you had to give a... It wasn't like how we talk, but it was like... They gave you a speech class. They taught you every week how to present a... Like, how to do a presentation speech for something, you know? And the one week it was for doing a stand-up act. And I had two George Carlin albums. I had a Toledo window box and a class clown. I had that shit memorized, man. Like, first day I ever gotten... So you just did George Carlin jokes? Yeah. Nice. He did a plagiarize. Good. So you did a Carlos Mencia impression. Very good. Yeah. I actually thought about saying something like that. So this is your first time on stage since then? Right here? You haven't done any open... Yeah, I've never been on stage. No open mics? No nothing? No, no, no. You just decided to come here? Yeah. Wow, what made you do that? Kind of a bucket list thing. To be on Kill Tony. How many weeks have you signed up? To do stand-up, but then I... It was to like... I was initially going to like try to just do open mics and like do the three-minute things, but do three one minutes and see which one's the best one and hopefully get on here. Sure. But that never happened. Why? My first year came down to Austin. I had three different medical issues that caused me... Simple things, nothing big. But I... What were they? Knee operation, to feed operations. And no, I don't have feet like... Plantar fascia and an ACL? No, all my toes and I had a broken... What happened to your toes? Kind of like I had hammer toe shit. I had like a... Just had to correct it. Okay. And what's the screw driver? And can heal you. He does this thing where he sucks on toes. That's okay. Give me them toenails. Yeah. So we took your beard while I do it. How long ago did you move to Austin? About three years ago. So three years ago. So when you were 60 years old, you moved to Austin. Where did you move from? Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. What were you doing in Pittsburgh? Working in the steel industry? No, no. I... I've been doing like... I used to do construction work, but I had some body... I had some injuries and my body can't take it anymore. So I just... I started doing like online merch stores and stuff like that. Okay. Trying. What do you do for fun? Uh... Shoot pool. Nice. A few other things. Not really. Absolutely. Okay, Duncan. Show us your feet. No. Yeah. Show us your feet. You don't want to do it? Feet. Feet. He's embarrassed. He doesn't want to show his feet. We're getting out hard. There you go. There's nothing. It's not like Cam's dad. They look normal. It's just... They're just normal. Amazing reference. I just had... My little toe was kind of curling over a little bit onto the side is all it was. And now they fixed it. Now it's straight. So it's like, oh, you'd see it was a little scar. So I'm not taking my sock and shoe off to show you. Sorry. So they made your toes? Pay me later. I might... No. Okay. So the doctor made your toes straight? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to need to talk to this doctor. Um... Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha la la la la la la. Ha la la la la la la. Ha la la la la la. Ha la la la la la la. Anyway. Do you have any kids? No. Not that I know of. So you were just... You have a wife ever? No. Never married? No. You gay? Come on. No? Okay. No. No. All right. Homophob. What are you? What are you? Heath's grandmother? Okay. Ha ha ha. That actually makes sense because Heath's grandmother, homophobe and had a penis could be him. Oh, well, him also. It was a reference from earlier. I was listening to that, yeah. So, but you've had girlfriends? Of course, yeah. Of course. What's the longest relationship you ever had? A few months. A few months? That's it? Well, how did these things end so fast with you? You're a handsome man. You look like you could be a former pro wrestler or something. I used to be really good. No. I was real wild as a kid. Tell us about that. What do you mean you were real wild? Yeah, I kind of figured you would. Yeah. Like other people, I don't understand why people don't come prepared, of course, with jokes, but also with, to talk about something. You're literally, you have an opportunity to do what you're criticizing right now. You are in the moment being like, you know what's crazy is when people don't answer questions, honestly, go right ahead. Well, I was a real bad wild kid. I started stealing when I was seven. I, that went all off into my adult, young adult life. I spent a bunch of time in and out of jail in prisons. What's the longest you ever spent in prison? I did 17 years altogether, but seven of it was busted up into a bunch of little. So why? I did 10 years straight in the maximum security prison. Oh my God. So what did you do to get the 10 year sentence? Uh, robbery and a handful of other unrelated. What did you rob exactly? Uh, the same. Us of our time? No. I'm so scared of you. That's a good, that's a good thing. You're a real bandit out there. Old curly toes strikes again. Ah, the curly toad bandit. I hooked him with my toe. No, I, uh, it was a old car. I ain't talking about, I, I, I rubbed the same. You know what the 10 cent a year federal sentence was for? Yeah, I just said, I feel weird talking about it. I, I, it was a, I mean, it's long ago. It's over now. You're a great guy now. I robbed the safe in the grocery store. You broke open a safe in a grocery store? No, I went in while, while they were open for business and called for the manager and had him take me back. Was it an H E B? Oh no, no, no, no, this is a different state. Giant eagle? No. Kroger? Different state. Was it a Kroger? It was one of the, no, it was one of the, it wasn't in Pittsburgh. It was one of the, I don't even know the name of the grocery store. It wasn't a chain, a normal chain. You don't even know the name of the grocery store that you robbed and got 10 years in federal prison for? I think that's the last thing I should really concentrate on. Yeah, but. I mean, you got 10 years in prison. No, no, it was one of them, no name. It wasn't like a chain grocery store. It was one of them little. Okay, so let's slow it down. Just stick with me and answer the questions honestly. Okay? So, at what point did you get caught? Did you get money out of the safe? Oh yeah, I got away with it. How much did you get? But then I got caught later. The answer the fucking questions. Answer the fucking questions. Stick with me. Focus, focus, motherfucker. How much money did you get out of the safe on that day? 11,000 and I got away with it, but then I got caught later. Okay. That's what I was going to say. How did you get caught later? How long did you get away with it? How did they catch you? When I ran out the door of the grocery store and how they slide open, but it's not fast enough because I'm wanting to leave real fast. Put the mic up to your mouth. And I, oh sorry. And I put my hand onto the door and pushed it shut. Finger prints. I already had fingerprints on. Yes. Wow. So how long did you get away with it? For two months, one month, three months? A few months. How long? How, what did you spend? Maybe, I know it was like about six, almost five, six months. All good. What did you spend the $11,000 on? Uh-huh. Just, I just, just, I don't know. Just blew it. Just, I was throw it off. Were you doing drugs? No, I never did drugs. You never did drugs. Smoked me. Prostitutes. No. No, booger sugar. No. Come on. You robbed a grocery store of $11,000 and you didn't spend the money on anything in particular. No, I just blew it. I was very wild and adventure seeking kind of a person that was my weird, I like the thrill of, in a sick demented, again, I was a fucked up childhood. So I just liked the- What was fucked up about your childhood? Tell us about it. I was just wild as fuck, just off the chain, wild as fuck. I started stealing when I was seven. I did my first burglary when I was nine. I wasn't a good kid. When you say burglary at nine, what exactly did you burglary at nine? Somebody's house that left the doors open. And what did you get from their house? Toys? I would just, no. No. You'd steal it? No. No, I would steal money and stuff. The first time I did it, I went back to this house like four or five times over a period of a couple months and I would go in, sneak some stuff, take it. What's the last crime that you committed? That one I did the first four. The big one, the grocery store. Yeah. And then since then. And when I got into prison that time there, my first year in, I was like your typical angry fucking prisoner, but my second year in, I just said, man, I'm done with this shit. While I was there, it wasn't hard. I mean, it was very hard. It wasn't easy inside of a mass maturity prison to turn your life around. Craziest thing that happened to you in the 10 years in prison. You answered this one good and then the interview was over, but I want a good fucking answer on this one. I don't want you to go, it was wild and me go, what do you mean wild? It was really wild. Me go, what the fuck do you mean dude? Cause you're driving me kind of crazy. I got snagged up in a riot, but I got out of it and left, but it wasn't. You say snagged up in a riot. Again, what exactly do you mean? Well, I was in a prison, one of them prisons where it's divided up into gangs. Of course. I'm guessing. I didn't want to be in it. So I was like by myself, which is rather dangerous, but I used to be really big. So I was able to get. The white, I was, I was outside in, in, in the, out in the grass field and it was a softball field and there's only one gate to go through to get out and a riot started right outside that gate and I had to leave because you have to go lock down when they have riots and this place has riots all the fucking time. Yeah. And they, I got snagged up in a little bit, but I just sat with decent interview was compelling. I'm giving you a big joke book mark fence. Wait, what? Can I ask you one thing real fast? You're going to ask me something right now. Okay. I've been trying to contact Ari, Ari Maddy for a while because I can, I can help him. I can help him qualify for a government program to get citizenship. I'll give you his phone number. Hold on. No, Duncan. Duncan. No, I actually. But his prison style, he got to give me something in return. I actually have. You've explained to us how you of all people, not me friends with the current administration or Joe Rogan who literally decided the presidency of the United States. What can you do that we can't do exactly? I, it's a long story how I got it, but I stumbled. I was looking for something for myself, not because I'm a New League immigrant, but something else. But I noticed this one thing that I read about and it's something that he could qualify for that it's a pathway to citizenship. I actually, I put the guy, I actually, because I wasn't trying to contact them. I did a video and I put it on a tablet. I have the tablet out here to give to you so he can, you can, it explains it in the video. It's too much to explain out here and it's not funny. Hello. Ari, you're on the show. Jesus Christ. I know I told you that you have the night off, but there's a guy up here, very scary guy. He's been in prison numerous times. He's 63 years old. The last time he was on stage was 44 years ago. It takes him forever to answer questions. He's spent 10 years in federal prison after robbing a grocery store in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for $11,000. He got away with it for six months, but he left his fingerprints on the door on his way out and, and he was part of a riot once. Long story short, at the very end after I told him, I'm going to give him a little bit of a joke book, he said, there's one more thing. Can I ask you a question? I can help Ari back. How far away are you from the club exactly? I am just getting out of the steam room. So I reckon I'm like 15 minutes out. Okay. Well, we have a guy here that's going to, uh, that's going to talk to you about some stuff and then we'll have some drinks afterwards. Okay. So, he's, uh, committed criminal, uh, from a grocery store. He's going to help me. That's all I need, Tony. How about you get another rapist or a Nazi? How about we get a whole team together? What the fuck kind of a crew are you putting together? I need a lawyer, not a criminal. Absolutely perfect. Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen, we love you Ari. We'll see you soon. There you go. And here's your big joke book. Did you have fun here tonight? You seem like you didn't enjoy this. I'm going to go get some drinks. I'm going to get some drinks. I'm going to get some drinks. I'm going to get some drinks. I'm going to get some drinks. I'm going to get some drinks. I'm going to get some drinks. You happy? Yeah. Okay. There you go. There he goes. Mark Fitz. Let's get one more bucket pool out here. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, do we have any fun out there? That's what I fucking thought. Make some noise for him. It's Jimmy Cope Taros, everybody. Jimmy Cope Taros. Austin M. Austin, motherfucking Texas. How we doing? Little about me. I'm a 10-year manager of a grocery store in Pittsburgh. The fuck. I got fucking 60s. I'm going to fuck this whole thing up. I got 60s. I might have did some worse shit than him. I'm an 11-year-old son and I accidentally showed him all the porn in my phone. Austin, I'm picking him up from summer camp two weeks ago. We're driving home. He sees the Tesla Cybertruck. Dad, I heard those are expensive. Let me have your phone. I handed it to him. It's quiet. Dad, I look over. Massive amounts of blowjobs on my phone. Full panic. Full panic. I don't even know how that got on my phone. He's 11. Dad, it's actually right here in the search bar. I'm freaking out. I take the phone from him. Listen, this is why we have Google Block on your electronics. One minute I might see is Tom Brady coming out of retirement. The next minute I see this disgusting filter. It's quiet. I feel like I weathered the storm and he says, Dad, it's totally okay if you're gay. I just start showing him all the vagina. There it is. Very solid, ladies and gentlemen. Jimmy Cope-Tarrows. Welcome to the show, Jimmy. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Great start rolling off of the Pittsburgh thing. Welcome, welcome. Jimmy, how long have you been on stand-up? Two years and a month. Awesome. Where are you from? Outside of Tampa. Okay. Gordon Dixon country. That's my boy. That sounded less weird when I was in my head. Who's Gordon Dixon? He was on here. He works down at Shakespeare's. He's been on here. What are we? Okay. All right. Thank you guys for coming. Okay, yes. They're all here for you, Jimmy. I just wanted to give him a shot. I came and saw my boy. He's in Tampa. Crazy shout-out to GIF, but okay. You got it out there. And you'll never get repaid for that, by the way. It's an odd favor and you did it. I like your style, Jimmy. What do you do for work? What type of mechanic are you, exactly? I rob grocery stores, Tony. No, seriously, Jimmy. Stick with me. I'm like, Uncle, what do you do for work? I own a junk removal and hauling and home services company. Wow, strong white guy stuff. It's called Jimmy's, so you know I own it. That guy just needed to, yeah. If you need someone to haul your junk. Where were you, Tony? I apologize. Okay. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you live here now? No. You still live in Tampa? I do. Okay. It's my second time here. You didn't ask that. Okay. All right, Jimmy. Very good. What's the most interesting thing that's ever happened in your life? It's cancer, interesting. I don't know if that's it. You had cancer? Yeah, three years cancer-free. Wow, congratulations. It was up the lymph nodes. It was the lymph nodes. The lymph nodes. Did you get it? Yeah. And were you a heavy smoker? Do you guys have tissues here or no? Okay. Jesus. I'm a light smoker. God. I'm a light smoker. All right. You still smoke? I smoke. I mean, you have one? No. No, I smoke. The other one I drink. Uh-huh. And all that. So tonight. And all that added up. How old were you when you got diagnosed with cancer? 44. Okay. And you had partied hard from your whole life up until that point? No. I've never been a partier. What was your symptoms? Uh, so I was picking a friend up from the airport. I leaned over to tie my shoes and I started salivating. So I go over to the sink and it's just blood. Oh, Jesus. It's the hot part of the show. So then I call 911. I go to the, it was just a burst abscessed and they go, which every doctor has told me your tonsils are massive. Have you ever been told you should remove them? And I go, yeah. And they go, we think it's time. So I had my tonsils removed like a miracle. They removed my tonsils and they find the smallest. Now what they'll tell you about cancers are looking for like a cluster of grapes. They found like a great. So I like a 99% cure rate. I knew I was going to be okay, but still had to throw the kids and sink at it. So 35 rounds of radiation, seven rounds of chemo, 56 pounds loss, feeding tube, all the stuff. Um, yeah. I mean, I can make that funnier. I could, I could polish that pig up. If you want, I'm just saying, I do have a joke, but I don't want to, can I say, I think we all have cancer now, Jimmy. It's oral. Oral. Got it. All right. Well, you really have kids. Yeah. How many do you have? A kid. Just one. Yeah. Uh, how old is he? He's 12 now. 12 now. Is it true that he found porn on his phone? No, it's not. It's a real story. Say it again. Real story or fake story? It starts out as a real story. He was about four or five, not two weeks ago. And he saw it and he goes, dad, what's this? Mind your fucking business or whatever. Like it wasn't even, it wasn't even a relevant thing that I had to explain. Right. But I felt like it would be a good bit. All right. Yeah. Feelings aren't facts. How do we feel about Jimmy, guys? It's very rare that we have the same comedian on twice in a row. It's a very exciting. My picture was on the wall on that fucking Gershwer, sir. By the way, it was called Pathmark. He don't remember the name of it. I fucking remember it. I'll never forget that day. Rest of my life. Third time's a charm. I, I, I like you, Jimmy. You oscillate between like funny and then like trying to arbitrate. I think you're naturally funny. Like some of the stuff, like some of your mannerism is like, like some of your mannerisms and like little lines were, I thought were like very funny, but then it's like, you'd, I don't know, like you try to be fun. I would suggest like just be natural. And like you have a very compelling, funny story to tell. I think stick to that and just be yourself more. And I think you'd be great. I thought it was, I was laughing at some parts. I'm taking all that. Cause if you have 60 seconds and you laugh at some parts. That's pretty good. Well, it's a little bit of a long walk around the block for the punchline, but you know, it's still happy. It was, it still had a punchline. And I just wanted to take you on that walk. Thank you. It's not all funny. Some of it's, you know, when you showed a four year old blow job porn and he goes, what's that dad? You really said nothing. Shut the fuck up. I mean, it sounds different the way you said it. Yeah. Also, yeah. Also, that's what I said. Yeah. Both of those can be synonymously true. Yours sounded more like. Just say it like, I'm sorry. Just say it like you said it. Your honor. Yes. I said, hey dad. Fucking worry. Dad, you just fucked up my life forever. I'm four. I have more neurons in my brain than in any other time in my life. And this is going to freeze itself into my memory. I'll probably have to get therapy. Probably Rob a grocery store in my toes. My toes are going to curl in. What is this? Now we know what you mean about the long journey to the punch. I get it now. I get it. Jimmy Cope Taros, here's a medium sized joke book. Congratulations. You were just on Kill Tony. There he goes. Jimmy Cope Taros. We're flying through it this evening, ladies and gentlemen. It is happening. People are going to the restroom to do bumps of the old Puerto Rican pound cake. There they go, everybody. All right. It's a special part of the show, ladies and gentlemen. One of our Hall of Fame former regulars is behind that curtain right now. We very rarely get to see him known for what I've been kind of looking for and struggling with this evening, which is the most honest, direct answers in interview history in the Kill Tony universe. If you know the words to his theme song, sing along. For this is Hans Kim. Hey. I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off, they set their VPN to California. Thank you. That's gay as fuck, bro. I have a gun. Not on me. Somewhere in the room. Over there. I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore because I want to use it. I go, is that my best friend I invited an hour ago or the greatest moment of my life? I have an AR-15. I can shoot 600 yards. I can't even imagine being mad at someone that far away. Hey, you better stop doing that in 500 yards. All right, that's my time. Thank you so much. Showing the difference between Golden Second Winners, bucket pools, and true, true, full-time regulars of the show, former, weekly regular Hans Kim is back, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, my sweet, sweet Hansy. Hello, Tony. Thank you for having me. I'm sorry about this weekend. I totally fucked up. Oh, that's right. You guys want to hear a fucking behind the scenes, awesome show biz story and how ab, absolutely insanely autistic and retarded Hans Kim is everyone. Let me ask you this before I tell them the story. You don't have to say the number. Don't say the number. But was that the highest paying one time 15 minute long gig you've ever missed? Yes. Without a doubt, right? Without a doubt. So for 15 minutes, let me just tell you, it was a lot of money. We will not say the number, but just know a fucking lot of money, especially for 15 minutes of work. It was scheduled to be in Edmonton, Canada. We all did it. I made it. Ari Maddy made it. David Lucas made it. William Montgomery made it. We had to have a layover in Denver because what they don't tell you about Austin is that fucking have direct flights everywhere. Like LA did that sucks. Anyway, and in Denver, Hans Kim, after we ate breakfast, he realized right then boarding the plane to Edmonton, Canada that he forgot his passport. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. Oh my God. If you're wondering how much money, definitely at least half your salary, half of your annual salary. Is as much as a teacher makes in a year. Yes. For 15 minutes of work, the only thing that he needed to bring was his passport. Not even a change of underwear would be necessary. We would all have been home 24 hours later. And we were me, Ari, William, David, richer than ever. And then there was Hans who had to tell me what I don't even know. I couldn't even talk to you afterwards because it was so stupidly frustrating. Oh yeah. So what happened? You had to get a flight from Austin or from Denver to Austin. I was going to do that. But then I was like, I have a weekend in Appleton that I canceled for that show. So I was like, let me just go to Appleton. So I was just alone in a hotel room while you guys were in a stadium. Oh my God, yes. Just in Appleton. In Appleton, Wisconsin. So that's even worse. Holy shit. So wait, hold on. Did you cancel the whole weekend? No, I canceled the Friday. So you were going to fly from Edmonton to Appleton? Yeah. That's crazy. So that night, can you tell us what was going through your head? What type of guilt? I was like, stupid, stupid, stupid. See, that's what I'm talking about. That's how you answer a question on Kill Tony, honestly. Do you like punch yourself when you're angry and stuff like that? I throw things very hard sometimes. But I try not to do it anymore because yeah, it scares people. That's true. That is true. So Hans, what else is going on in life? Well, the show in Appleton was great. There was a... Yeah. And you had to do what? Two hour long sets? Two Saturday, one Sunday to make up for the Friday. So I was just like four days away from home just without the teacher salary. Yeah. And there was a pregnant lady in the show and she had a seizure during my set. Wow, a pregnant lady had a seizure during your set in Appleton, Wisconsin. Yeah, she was fine. She could only handle her liquor. No, I'm just kidding. That's the joke the husband made. Okay, giving credit where it's due. But yeah, I was like, name the kid after me. But yeah, she was seasoned up. I guess that's something that women do when they're pregnant. Oh, it isn't! I don't know, maybe she was a liberal. Was it at a specific joke or was there something that what it was? Yeah, it was like, you know, the Chinese, a lot of people were racist to the Chinese during the pandemic, which as a Korean, I say, let him have it. Now, they're the ones that decided he bats and pangolins. I was just eating dogs like a good Asian. That's right. Hans still got it. Wow. Everything else is good, Hans. What else is going on? I have a bulletproof vest now. What the fuck is going on with you, Hans? He's the Virginia Tech shooter 2.0. I mean, yeah, it's a force multiplier. I have a battle belt. What do you mean? What? What's a force? What do you mean? Like, if you have a bulletproof vest, it multiplies how much force you can inflict on your enemies. What? What do you mean? Like, if you buy another gun, it's not like you're going to dual-wheel two AR-15s, so it makes more sense to buy, like, gear that'll help you in a gun battle. This is gone from an interview to evidence. It is kind of wild. What are you going to do with all of this stuff, Hans? Do you ever have thoughts about it? Yeah, I think about, like, about, it's LaFanne, SHTF a lot. Wait, what? SHTF, that's, I've been watching a lot of YouTube about this. Nobody knows what that is. You're a prepper. You're becoming a prepper. Thank you. He bought me a long-range walkie-talkie recently. I don't know if he... Ooh. If that means I'm safe. Ooh. A walkie-talkie. A red band, I get you a gift. Do you want a walkie-talkie? The shithead hit the fan, meet me at 2.30. I'm sorry. I put the walk in walkie-talkie. Talkie. What is your plan with the walkie-talkie situation? Looking for some long-form friendship? Yeah, when we're out in the woods, you know, like, doing a, doing an N. What? You go out in the woods sometimes here in downtown Austin? The old famous Austin Woodlands? What the fuck are you talking about? You know, when the zombies come and we're like traveling and you just be like, hey, red band, do you have any more bacon or something? Red band's like, that's literally all I have is bacon. Fast sums of bacon. Have you guys communicated with these walkie-talkies? A little. Yeah. A little walkie-talkie. Wow, what are you guys talking about? Like, hey, we don't, I mean, we were in the same room when we did it. Wow, truth comes out. This is what I'm talking about, a good, honest interview. It's so much easier than people think. Both parts really, the stand-up, be real, that's what we tell everybody, the interview answer, honestly, it's such a testament, the difference between people trying to blow up their answers and just being real. It's so funny picturing you two in the same room like, here, can you hear me? What did you guys talk about? It was at the secret show every Thursday and yeah, we were just like, hey, you're gay, I'm gay, we're all gay. Yep, that sounds about right. Yeah, sounds about right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, Hans, you've done it again, an amazing minute and an unbelievably compelling interview. One of the biggest legends in the history of the show. He is at Madison Square Garden on August 15th. One more time for Hans Kim, everybody. Ula-la-la. From Wauki Taki to the Mighty Heidi. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Chris Silio. Chris Silio. Oh shit, alright. Fuck, I hope this is real. What a hilarious prank that would be. Chris, it's your big prank, it's Kiltoni, it's an empty warehouse. Nobody's here. Oh shit, all I did before I went blind was jerk off and play video games. And then God was like, that's enough. Yeah! I give you a gift and you wasted it, son. I'm gonna let you guys in a little secret. I'd do it all again tomorrow. I wouldn't have changed a goddamn thing, dude. Give it up for my roommate for bringing me out here, dude. He's a way better roommate. My last roommate sucked. He just didn't really care about personal space. He would always hang out in my room. Yeah. So every time I'd go to jerk off, I'd have to be like, hello? Yeah! Is anyone there? Which by the way, if you ever hear me say hello, is anyone there? You have about 30 seconds before I start jerking off. Wow. You should say something, alright? Arrest on you, not me. I don't want to hear about it in the papers later. The guy who kind of looks like Louis CK does exactly what Louis CK did. This Cee-Lio, can I cut you off? I'm the other way, buddy. I'm over here. Shit! Shit! Fuck! Unbelievable set. Unbelievable set. Wow. Incredible, Chris. I find it all so amazing. I can't believe that you think you look like Louis CK. More like Louis can't see K. I loved every single thing about what happened here with you tonight. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Ten years. Ten years. Holy shit. Where are you from? Miami. You still live in Miami? I just moved here. Wow, congratulations. How recently did you move here? Two weeks. Is this your first time signing up for the show? No, no, I've been here every week till you got me. So two weeks? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Amazing. I love it. I love it, Chris. How old are you? 29. 29? So you started at 19? Yes, sir. And when did you go blind? About six months before that. Really? You went blind at 19? I was 18, yeah, yeah. And so what exactly happened? I had a like a fuckload of like retinal detachments, which is something that usually like UFC fighters get. Yeah. But to me it was a small Chinese boy. Wait, what does that mean? A small Chinese boy sucked your eyeballs out of your... What happened? My friend in high school was just like, fuck him with me, and like tossed his high school transcripts at me. Just an envelope full of papers nailed me in the eye. Next day I was blind. I already had lost one eye before that. And we're still friends, guys. Relax, all right? Okay. He drives me around sometimes. Wow. That's more dangerous than anything. What? You're probably the better driver out of the two of you. This is incredible because you lost an eye before that. How did you lose the eye before that? Same thing, just a bunch of retinal detachments, but I was like, this one's going good. Nothing's gonna stop me on this one eye. And then he threw that... His bright future sealed mine. Wow. Is it thyroid issues? No, no, the retina is like in your eye. It's the thing that like... From thyroid that happens, thyroid disease. No, no, no. Our senior health correspondent, Brian Redband, taking a chance trying to relate thyroid issues to retinal detachments. He's who you look like, by the way. Not Louis C.K. But the joke still works. Chris, so, you know, blind at 18, so have you like had a real job or anything? What do blind guys kind of do? I had a job for a while. Wasn't that good at it? What was it? I worked in like an office at an office car driver. I was a crane operator. Dude, I worked at a nonprofit where they help people find jobs and they couldn't fire me. Yeah. Right. As bad as I was, they were like, nah, we'll just let them... You probably couldn't find your cane. How could you find someone's job? Incredible, Chris. So what else do you do? Like, what are your hobbies? What are you into? I like to go to music festivals and do drugs. Oh, fuck yeah. Absolutely. Incredible. What's the most fun you've ever had at a music festival? What are your favorite drugs? All of them. Okay, hell yeah. Preferably at once. No, acid mushrooms. Everything that somebody has told me will make me see something, I've put in my mouth. Yeah. Amazing. Oh my god! What exactly do you see when that stuff happens? Like, I mean, I'd imagine that you still see stuff in your dreams, am I right? I can still see in my dreams. Yeah, yeah. And it's completely black other than that? Other than that, yeah. Even on all the psychedelics, like... It's great. I love psychedelics. It feels like all of my senses are turned up to 11, except for sight that's still on zero. Like, it does... I don't get any visuals with psychedelics. Yeah. You don't get visuals on psychedelics. No, no, I've done all of them. Wow. Incredible. How about Love Life? Have you ever been on any blind dates? So stupid. So stupid. But, when in Rome, when in Rome... By the way, may I say, D-Madness, I've never seen him more on the edge of his seat during an interview. The first time he's ever been genuinely interested in anybody in the last 250 episodes of the show. Clearly biased. They told me to tap mobiles. I don't know where he is. Yeah. It is incredible. Chris Cilio. So, what's it like? Do you date a blind guy? How does it work? It's tough, you know, like, I'm on the apps, you know? My bio just says, blind comics, see the possibilities. Love it. And I swipe right on everybody. Hell yeah. Has it worked? Like, give us an example of what going on a date with you is like. I find this all so intriguing. I had a girl take me to an art exhibit. What a bitch! Really? She just tried really hard to describe things to me that I couldn't care about. God, that is so fucking funny. It's crazy. Wow. My goodness. So what else, Chris? What are your, like, now that you're here in Austin, what are your goals? What do you want? To do this, man. I want to do this here. Yeah. Yeah. When I, like, when I first went blind, like, I had always wanted to be a comic, like, even before I went blind, but I kind of forgot about that when just doing a bunch of surgeries and things like that. But when I went blind, I was just sitting at home in the dark listening to, like, Kiltonian shit. So ever since then, I wanted to fucking do this, you know, like, this is a huge moment. Yeah! OG Belly Room Kiltonie, dude. Say that again? OG Belly Room Kiltonie. Wow. Amazing. Well, Chris, it has come full circle for you, my friend. Even though the lineup is out of control nowadays, so many fucking talented regulars and people in the rotation, I have to say that I want to see more of you, and having you sign up regularly would just be a tremendous hassle for you and for everybody else, so let me be the first and only one that matters to tell you that you are indeed the newest Golden Ticket winner here on O-Town. Yeah! Everyone's on their feet, Chris. They're going crazy. And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom. There he goes, ladies. Chris, step up to the mic one more time real quick there. How do you feel right now? It's right to your right. Jesus, worst handler ever. What, are you blind to us? Jesus Christ. Look at fucking, we saw Tony Pepperoni earlier. He was fucking Tommy Salami. What the fuck is this guy? Look at this fucking gagoutsover. Here, holy shit. Chris, how do you feel? Fucking amazing, man. Thank you so much, dude. Absolutely. Welcome to Austin, Texas. You're an amazing talent, and we're looking forward to having you on. And you got a standing ovation. Yeah. Yeah, the place went nuts. Yeah, and that girl in the front row showed her tits. Yeah. Chris, throw that mic in the mic stand. You're part of the Kill Tony Universe. They're going to get your number and information back there. Congratulations. Another one. The squad continues to grow. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Back to the bucket we go. As you see, or can't see, anything can happen here on this show. It goes from funny to compelling to heartfelt to terrible to amazing. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Keegan Carmichael, everybody. Make some noise for Keegan Carmichael. My dad would always tell me, alcohol will never fix anything. Then why did you carry beer in your toolbox? Yeah. Yeah, you didn't think I noticed. Yeah, I was doing comedy. Comedy is tough. As a comedian, I haven't gone on the road, but I'm pretty close to being on the street. Yeah. Hey, I wish a story really did come with two sides, because I would love to read a book with mashed potatoes and coleslaw. Now, hey, would you enjoy about Huckleberry Finn? The gravy. Hey, are you hungry? Cool. Let's go to the library. All right, thank you. Keegan Carmichael. The... Some people are already calling him the... Keegan, let's just jump right into what literally 100% of the people in the room are thinking. Are you aware that in every single way you're doing a Mitch Hedberg impression? I get reminded every day. Is that on purpose or, like, accident? Is this how you are in real life? Yeah, it's weird. Like, people DM me, like, that question. Like, is that how you are? Yeah, I don't... So you were like this, and that was your sense of humor, and then you saw Mitch Hedberg, and you were like, whoa, what the f... what are the odds? I used to impersonate Mitch Hedberg. I still do. I mean, the look, the everything, every single thing. The delivery, the joke style. Are you a super fan of his? No, my favorite is actually Dimitri Martin. Dimitri Martin? Now I know you're kidding. That's literally nobody's favorite. I just love the way he rips the paper off the pip-pits. Geegan, who are you in real life? What do you really like? I'll just... I'll just cup a little beers in the park and read a book, man. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? A little over two years. And has it always been like this? You from Seattle, Portland? Where are you from? No, I'm from Illinois. Illinois. Okay. What do you do for work? I doordash on an e-bike. You what? I doordash on an e-bike. I hate it when my deliveries are on e-bikes. It's always smushed around and fucked up. Believe me, nobody understands that better than me. Yeah, Duncan Trussell. It is funny. Like, your spirit definitely lives on through him. Not quite as powerful, obviously, as the late, great, super amazing Mitch Hedberg. But I mean, you do kind of got it down. You wrote those jokes? Yeah. Right. Yeah, no, I know. Duncan? I was just going to say, it's too bad that they don't need Mitch Hedberg impersonators at kids' parties, because... You kids, I'm sorry. It was funny like 20 seconds ago, I think. So, every time you do a show, anywhere you go, every time you do stand-up, all the other comedians are like, God, this fucking guy's doing a Mitch Hedberg impression, right? Some people went outside the club to like, fuck, they say shit to me. Yeah. Have you seen Mitch Hedberg's stand-up? Yeah, it kind of freaks me out. How old are you? 31. 31. So when's the first time you saw Mitch Hedberg's stand-up? Were you a big fan of his at one point? Oh. At one point? I mean... Dude, I was Dimitri Martin, what's going on? Again, I hear you, that's funny and all, but seriously. But seriously, we're all like witnessing, like it is like a Mitch Hedberg impression. Did you always talk like this? Is this how you talk in real life? Yeah, Tony, I don't know what to tell you man. Okay. Can you do a Christopher Walken impression? Christopher, um... What the fuck? I don't watch movies, man. What? Keegan, most interesting thing about your life, tell us. What would be intrigued to find out about you? 31 years of experience at being Keegan Carmichael, tell us. I have a cast iron pan. Do the other part, go ahead. Oh no, yeah, it's cool, because you gotta take care of it. Like, you have a cast iron pan, you have a responsibility, you know? Like... Like... Like, um, you know... Like, a lot of girls now, they're dog moms, you know, not me. Like, I'm the father to a pan. Ah... What else, Keegan, tell us something else interesting about you. Um... Well, dude, door dashing on the bike, that's a fucked up world. I have troubles sometimes because I fall a lot. Like, I don't like the Texas cheerleaders, because I was going really fast and they were on the sidewalk. And so I fell into the ditch, and I'm laying on the ground, and she looks over me, she's like, is your bike okay? And then like the lime scooters, they're in the way too. Well, you know, to me, a Texas cheerleader is like a lime scooter. I'd probably have to pay to ride you, but I just prefer you get out the way. Keegan, fun times. Here's a little joke book, my friend. There he goes. Keegan Carmichael. It's kind of like blasphemous what he's doing. It's awful. Yeah. Like, he has good jokes. He could just do them, like, different, like his own self. Yeah. And so he's like literally acting right now. Yeah, and looking like him's kind of crazy too. Anyway, we have any sage? Can we sage the room? Yeah. Never really saged. Never saged the Kill Tony stage before, but that one kind of creeped me out. Yeah. All right, you guys good? Everybody good? This guy's leaving. He's seen enough. This guy's pissed. This guy's pissed off. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Mike Gleason, everyone. Mike Gleason. How's it going? A lot of my friends say that I'm really hard to get gifts for. I don't think it's that hard to hop online and Google things to get for people with yellow teeth. That was an incredibly fake smile. Sorry about that. I'm from Chicago. I'm in the dating scene here, which is pretty good. Took a check out the other day, which is awesome. Opened up the car door for her, and she's like, look at this. Chivalry's not dead. I'm like, easy, bitch. My door sticks. I got to climb in first, all right? Chivalry, I don't know if you're cold. The window works just fine. But I'm not sure if you're cold. Fine. But that's awesome. Really big fan of these Venmo, these Waymo's out here, you guys got. They're pretty cool. Brings back the childhood in me. I used to throw snowballs at cars, which is pretty fun. But now I feel like you could just throw anything at these things and you're feeding all these, like, vegans that are, like, hanging out in the streets doing yoga poses and stuff. All right, that's it. Okay, Mike Gleason. Fuck yeah. All right. Welcome, Mike. How long have you been on stand-up? It's kind of weird. I started in, like, 2001 and then I kind of quit. And I really like the show, so I kind of moved out here and kind of restarted it. Nice. How long good did you move to Austin? On Easter, 420. 420? Perfect. Fuck yeah, dude. What do you do for work? I haven't found a job yet. Okay, what's your plan? What are you good at? Stealing catalytic converters. No. Where are you from? Where were you at before? Chicago. Chicago. Construction. Yeah. This is what construction guys look like in Chicago? I guess. Yeah, okay. Have you looked for a job in construction here? I have, yeah. How's it going? Not bad. I kind of actually turned down a few jobs. It was weird, but I just wasn't catching a vibe. Okay. How much money do you have saved up? Quite a bit. Like what? A lot that I don't want like my poor friends to reach out to me. I mean, do you really need a number? It's not a lot anymore, but it was enough to get me out here. I'm doing the Hans Kim thing, living in a trailer. Nice. Nice. You have a bed in it? Yeah. Like a little bed? Yeah. I got a purple bed. Nice. Look at that. Very good. You're doing good. Purple? You're doing good. Okay. So what do you do for fun, Mike, when you're not doing stand-up? I like to frisbee golf. People watch is a huge thing for me. Yeah. People watching is fun again. Yeah. Fenton All's out. Trump stopped Fenton All. Crack is back. People watching is more exciting than ever. There was nothing fun about that Fenton All phase that we went through under the Biden administration. And now crack is back thanks to the reigning defending president of the United States, Donald Trump. And 300 people just shut the show off right then. I don't know if you guys heard that, but that's what they do because they literally can't hear that without losing their mentally ill minds. Mike Gleason, tell us what the most interesting thing about your entire life is. It's our first time meeting. You might as well spill the beans. I'm an overshare. I like to overshare. Why don't you start right now then? Yeah. All right. Fuck it. How I got my money, I worked for Tesla and got the shit kicked out of me for actually being the only one there who knew how to do shit. They like hired everybody out like, dude, I mean, I would not buy a Tesla or any of their products. They're horseshit. I know. Sorry. Wow. You don't want to hear that, but engineer shit or what kind of dude, it was like, I was the only Ruffer there and there was not a pitchfork in sight. And I was like, what's going on? You were a Ruffer. Yeah. Solar Ruff. I did. Okay. Solar. And like, I read and tell you at my house. No, but do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. He has a solar roof. He makes money off of it. Yeah. I sell it back. But yeah, I could tell what you're, I know what you're talking about. We were doing jobs and they were like, they didn't like check out where the sun went. And then we put it on and there was like a huge house behind it and it's blocking all the sun. So we went back like eight times and they're like, yeah, no, it's definitely the install. And I'm like, no, it's the guy who designed it. Like there's a huge house blocking the sun. Okay. Yeah. So, so I got a lot of money from him because there was a dude there who also did Cedar Shake Roof beat the ever living shit out of me. Like I was with my hands up like, I'm 40 years old. I like this job. I don't want to, I don't want to lose it. You know, like beat you up. He beat the crap out of me. Punch you in the face, kicked you in the ribs. The whole thing. The whole thing. Dude, he took my helmet off and smashed it off. Like if you get my phone, I think I have my, like you could read what like Tesla sent me everything that all the dudes wrote and it was hilarious. Like they're like, he was a pussy and all this shit. And then he, they slammed the helmet off of my head, like everything that this guy said. He kept saying solar panels need sun. Well, I was getting suggested to get shut down all the time. And they beat the shit out of you. No, one guy did. Right. So, but you made a bunch of money because of that. Well, I fucked up my hand in the fall and then like, I don't know, the chick who did the surgery, like left some metal in there. I was like Wolverine for a little bit and then they took three bones out. So like the settlement, I got a hefty chunk of change. A hefty chunk of change. How much? Again, just, just say. I tell you how much is left. Yeah. It's probably funnier. Sure. Like 20 bucks. Okay. I'm buying leather jackets. It's in the middle of the summer. Like I'm not spending well. Wow. You had a female surgeon. Yeah. And she left a metal in her hand. She was pregnant too. Pregnant chicks hate me. Sorry to interrupt you. Why do pregnant chicks hate you? I don't know. They just smell my like singleness and never settled down. I don't know. They just hate me. All right. Pregnant chicks hate me. My coworkers hate me. The sun hates me. You ever think it might be you, Mike? Could be, yes. Wow. Could be. All right. Any crazy accomplishments? You ever win a trophy for anything? Yeah. Used to be a good swimmer. Oh. First place. Work. Fun times, Mike. Sign up again. We'll see you again. Mike Leason, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, that's his fucked up hand. He really does. He's got a good hand. He's got a good hand. His fucked up hand. He really does have a fucked up hand. I saw the book bounce off of it. Right off the stool plate. One more time for Mike Gleason, everybody. All right. We're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to keep it moving along. It's Derrick Spadey, everybody. Derrick Spadey. with an ego so big that she would yell out her own name in bed. He used to mess with me because it wasn't a very feminine name. Like, who names their daughter Rape? Let's get to some personal stuff. All right, when I was six years old, I told my parents, I figured out that I was adopted. My mom was like, who told you? I was like, who told me? My sister's Asian. What am I, one of the slow kids? Even at age six, you know two whites don't make a wong. And then after the divorce, they just like gave up on parenting. Like, I don't know how to do anything right. I kill so many houseplants. I call my homeplant Parenthood. If it hasn't been three months and I don't like the name, I'm yanking it out of that pot. Speaking of which, my girlfriend thinks I don't want plants because she caught me throwing seeds away in the shower one time. This isn't true. I love plants. I want plants very much. And I would love my plants no matter what, even if they turn out to be transplants. All right, you guys have been great. I appreciate you. Derek Spadey. Hi, Derek. You been on the show before? No, not before. OK. You just look like everybody that's been on the show before. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand up? About five years. Five years. You from here? No, I'm from Portland, Oregon. Portland, Oregon. OK, there it is. I felt Portland energies earlier, and this is why I felt it because you were coming up. OK. How long have you lived here? So I'm here for about a month just doing stand up. I got an Airbnb. Nice. Just visiting. Is this your first week signing up? Yeah. Look at you, you lucky fuck. I know. Amazing. Odds were one in 300, and you nailed it. Are you often lucky in life? No. Right. What do you do for work? So I worked at a Kroger for the last five years, and now I'm just taking time off because I saved money. Second Kroger shout out this episode. Absolutely incredible. It's almost as good as HEB. When I got down here, I was pretty blown away. You be careful. You be careful what you say. We were raised around Krogers. We know Krogers. Kroger's not really that close to HEB. Have you been to an HEB since being here? Yeah. What, one? Three. Three? Yeah. And what types of things did you get from HEB? The produce is better than the produce I've had in Oregon, which you wouldn't expect. It's out of this world. Do you try anything from the deli meats, perhaps? Not yet. Did you try any of the prepared things, like the fully stuffed jalapeno pepper? No. Teas? No. Nothing at all. Well, that's where you will find that there is complete, complete, whole different universe. Un-Kroger-like materials at HEB. The more you try it, the more you take chances. You will find HEB Rain Supreme. Around here, we like to say, you down with HEB? Yeah, you know me. Nobody's ever said that before, but I said it right now. Well, in the Pacific Northwest, the Krogers are Fred Myers. It's not exactly the same as the Krogers where you're from. So that's probably the difference that you're seeing. OK. OK. Well, you got the crowd riled up right now. One thing you don't want to do is an anti-HEB rant in this room. You're going to need Hans's Bulletproof Vex to keep it up. What do you do for work? So like I said, I worked at Krogers, and then now I'm not. What were you doing there? Stocking shelves? No, I managed one of the departments, the Hobbit Department. So it's like. The what department? It's like the cosmetics, the shampoo, all that kind of stuff. Ew, bo. Bo, lo. Dude, bo, mo. Worst part of a grocery store. No doubt about it. I hope you guys never stop talking about grocery stores. Well, I'll tell you. I've heard of Myers. You don't like grocery store talk, Duncan? You have a whole family. No, I love it. Everyone loves it. Everyone loves grocery store talk. What's your favorite aisle? Look at you two fucking grocery store hate-n-ass guests I have here tonight. I hate them. I hate HEB. I hate it. Duncan? Oh, yeah. Duncan. Fuckage beams. Worst grocery store ever. Act me. Act me. All right. For those of you just listening to the podcast, Ian and Duncan were brutally shot live in the room. Luckily, it was by Chris C. Leo and D. Madness, who hit the ceiling multiple times, and Duncan and Ian ran out of the room. All right. Derek, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened or that you've ever done, that we would find compelling here the millions and millions of people watching right now. I've won a couple of film festivals for Claymations. Oh. Wow, Claymation. What types of things were you making out of clay? So I do like a tavern that has mobsters and monsters, and I had a bunch of short sketches that did OK. Very nice. Where can we find this work at? If you do Bad Banana Studios or Bad Banana Clay's Tavern, it should pop up. It's been a while since I've posted this. Bad Banana. Straight to fat banana. Very interesting. Very interesting how you spell banana. Banana, according to Red Band, is B-A-N-N-A-N-N-A. For those of you that have your How Retarded is Red Band Bingo card out, that is four Ns in the word banana, ladies and gentlemen. This is who I've worked with side by side every Monday for 12 years. And I have never once shot myself in the head. Anyway, very cool. You must get all the Claymation pussy. How's that going for you? I mean, it's so time consuming. You basically spend all your day in a room. I do have a girlfriend, though, so. Nice. What does she do? She also works at a Kruger. Yeah, what is she? If you work in the Cosmetics aisle, I must know what section of the grocery store does your girlfriend work in? She took over for me when I left. Wow. So she's in Cosmetics. Is she still in Portland? Yes. So you're here and she's in Portland, but it's only for a month. Wow, incredible. What do you miss most about her? Well, so her pussy hole, right? The answer, no, I'm kidding. Go ahead. Uh. No, no, she'd see. It's so weird because it's like a professional job, right? Cole Bear's out there getting fired. And meanwhile, I'm like, what do you like, her pussy hole? And I'm like thriving. It's crazy, right? Doesn't make any sense. He has. Go ahead. She's really funny. For instance, the other day after we had sex, I was like, man, we should figure out some more activities. I'd love to do some art together. And she goes, I thought we just made art. Pretty funny. Guess he had to be there. Uh, OK. You had a good set, right? We like Derek. There's a big joke book, Derek Spadey. Congratulations. You were on Kale Tony. You're here for another month. Sign up again. Congratulations. There he goes. Make some noise for Derek, everyone. And your final bucket pull of the night. Ooh, la, la. Je suis ju, ju, les agrandes bêtons. Make some noise for Trent Richards, everybody. Trent Richards. So my wife, she's been telling me for a while that I need to watch this Gypsy Rose documentary. And so eventually, I finally caved in. I watched it. If you don't know Gypsy, she suffered from munch housing by proxy. Her mom, she fabricated a bunch of diseases for her and pretty much kept her in prison in her own home. Didn't let her go anywhere. So eventually, Gypsy got tired of it. She went online. She got a little retarded boyfriend. And well, they both ended up going to prison because he stabbed her mom to death to set her free. That story was so crazy to me. It blew my mind because it had me sitting there thinking, 34 years, well, doesn't munch housing by proxy meaning pussy from the back? That's my time. OK, Trent Richards, a 55-second-long setup for one punchline. Oh, yeah? Eating pussy from the back. All that information for one little fucking thing. OK, how long you been doing stand up, Trent? Two years. Two years. Where at? Fort Worth. Fort Worth. Would you consider that joke your best joke? Or was that something you were like working on recently? No, I've been working on it. I have more jokes, but the documentary came out eight years ago. And all that information you give, it's all just for the eating pussy from the backside thing. The payoff is there. Literally, I looked. It was 55 seconds that you hit the landing at 56. Duncan Trussell. I was actually very absorbed into your setup. I mean that. Something about you, I don't know. It caught my attention. It's like watching a Southern one-person show. Like a really sad one-person show. You know what I mean? It's like an eye. He's an actor. You really, like if there was some nice, like if he redid that. In Red Band, you played like the Civil War soundtrack. It's a good idea. I actually like this idea. Look up some. No, watch. Just watch. Don't even do the punchline. Actually, why don't we have the band play some? Do you guys have like any, is there a way to do generic like Civil War music? Like, uh. But you have to do it like, my dear Gypsy Rose. Nice and easy, nice and easy. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Do it again. Trent Richards. So my wife. She's been telling me for many years now. That there's this Gypsy Rose documentary. And that I might just need to sit my white ass down and give it a view. And so I did. I thought about it. And after some, some mighty long viewership. All right, I'm going to stop you there. That was fantastic. Trent, what do you do for work? Deliver groceries. Whoa. What the fuck? Here we go. Billion dollar question coming at you. Billion dollar question coming at you. Billion dollar question coming at you. What kind of groceries do you deliver? H-E-B. Yeah! Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck H-E-B. Fuck you, Duncan. Fuck you, man. Son of a bitch. H-E-B sucks. Still hurts every goddamn time. Wow. Them there fighting words, Duncan. How long you been delivering H-E-B? Since I moved to Austin, so about five months. Okay, what's your favorite thing about delivering H-E-B? The rich people in Westlake. You're goddamn right. Big tippers, right? You're goddamn right. Hell yeah. Absolutely fucking loopy. The booming economy here in Texas. You gotta love it. Craziest order situation that you've ever had. Any odd moments delivering groceries you ever get out in Westlake and you end up in one of those gated communities and fucking shickets, a little weird. Some dude answers the road with this fat-throbbing hard cock hanging out of his robe or something like that. Nah, I had a trainee open the door one time with no clothes on. Wow, that's exactly the type of answer I was looking for. Not in Westlake. That's a gift. So what did you see exactly? What type of junk was there? What'd you see? A dick? So it was like a woman with a dick? Well, if you'd call it that, but it had a dick. Wow. Amazing. What was the address? Amazing. I thought you said you deliver H-E-B, not HIV. That's incredible. All right, Trent. Well, fun times. We got through it. That's for sure. Here's a little joke book. Sign up again and do a different bit next time. Munchausen by proxy, 55 seconds set up for one. Eating pussy from the back punchline gets you a little joke book. All right. Final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mars Martian, everybody. Mars Martian. Okay. Okay. Yeah, crack-a-doodle-doo magas. Yeah. I don't know. I'm feeling cute. I might come later. Yeah, with a fistful of cocoa butter. In the mirror. All right. I know, guys, anybody ever break a long nofap streak by beating every side of your dick roll? That is a question for the ladies. I spent 22 days nofap just so I can Indian burn all the kung-ma to my body for 45 minutes. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I defeated nofap. Looked like I beat my dick for three and a half miles. Got fucking dick splints. I don't know. It's like I was running a cum gauntlet. Ladies don't know what I'm talking about, but every lady... Somehow the most racist moment of the show. A noise by Red Band. Playing the Jungle Bird. For Mars Martian. That sound is called Jungle Bird before you think I'm dropping a slur. The button is called Jungle Bird. Hi, Mars Martian. You did it again. You've been on the show a few times before. It's always pretty much an absolute embarrassing bomb fest. And yet you've done it again, chuckling your way through a set about completely jerking off. Ian Fydance, our senior jerk off-correspond. Thank you, Tony. Most of your set was talking about nofap, but most of it made me no laugh. Mars, remind us, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? 25 months, two years. Two years plus. Okay, and what do you do for work? Oh, god damn it. I spend a lot of money financing my comedy career. How do you make the money? No, I was savings. Now I just do a lot of art stuff. I'm just constantly out here with my camera. I got a studio at the house. I'm just playing. I'm just playing make-believe. Okay. And where is your brother Diddy Kong right now? New most racist moment of the show, the crown weighs heavy for Ian Fydance with the absolute Donkey Kong reference out of nowhere. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever said to you, Mars Martian? There's not... No. Okay. Yeah. I mean, there's just so many things. There's an array of things I've been called throughout my existence. You know what I mean? Ah, yeah. You call me something right now. What you got? Oh, I know what I want to call you right now. A Waymo home, am I right? Alright, Mars, get out of here. There he goes, Mars Martian ladies and gentlemen. Completely unbearable. 100% unbearable. Anybody whose first response to every question is can burn in hell. It's all cruise control from this point, ladies and gentlemen. Let's face it, an unbelievable episode. It all started with the youthful young legend Heath Cortez, who can forget the stylings of Tony Pepperoni. We flew through Ian Simon's annoying set, Mark Fitz, the rebel out of Pittsburgh, the curly-toed bandit. Jimmy Cope Taros, Hans Kim, was with us. The golden ticket was won by Chris Silio tonight in an unbelievable performance. We literally had a sociopathic young Mitch Hedberg pretending like he didn't know that he was doing a Mitch Hedberg impression. Mike Gleason, Derek Spady Trent Richards, and Mars Martian, which means, if I can say, there's only one way to end an episode like this. This man, some people say, is Jesus Christ's favorite comedian. He recently performed at the Roman Coliseum to a sold-out crowd at three in the morning. Some people call him the vanilla gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Talk Space Tycoon. The Opus of Open Phone. The Tyrant of Tacobas. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. The Big Red Machine. So they announced there was no Epstein list, and for some reason, red bands started crying tears of joy and screaming, Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we free at last. A woman from Thailand filmed herself having sex with a bunch of Buddhist monks over a three-year period, and the blackmailed millions of dollars out of them to keep quiet about it. Bangkok, indeed. Hey, red band, remember that boy band 98 degrees? Yeah, that's 98 more degrees than your dumb ass ever got in college. Fucking idiot. Y'all ever heard of the band Yes? Well, the band Yes is coming to town, and I saw a recent photo of them, and that'll be a no. Okay, that's my turn. Unbelievable. The man who has done it more than anyone. More minutes, more interviews. The Talk Space Tycoon, the Opus of Open Phone, and the Tyrant of Tacobas. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery has done it again. Wow. Very impressive. Two deep red band references. 98 degrees. I haven't heard about them in a while. Is that true? Funny, that was a good one. Yeah, because you have what, zero degrees, right? So it works, right? Didn't you get a degree? Do you drop out? I'm like two math classes away, but yeah. Wow, but yeah, I think you dropped out or something. No, I got hired because I was the only one that knew how to make websites back in 96. That sounds made up. That sounds stupid. What? So that's why you failed out of college, you idiot, because you only knew how to do websites. I don't even know what that means. But Tony, it's really nice to be. So fun the dynamic between you two, I must say. William, so much fun. How are you doing? I'm doing wonderful. And Tony, I went with Tony and David and Ari to Canada this past weekend. And it was wonderful. It felt like old times. It was great. Tony was so sweet. He let me stay on his couch. So I didn't have to get a $500 hotel room. I really did. So a little fun fact that again, I love the behind the scenes on this episode is he was going to share a room with Hans. I may have mentioned many times that both Hans and William are shockingly cheap. There's Shane in a room. I only had to spend my wines 40 bucks. That's not bad for a hotel up there. Wait, what? I only had to, it was going to cost me $40 to stay with Hans. Yeah, that's crazy. Why? I mean, why? You're grown adult, man. Again, the amount of money you guys are making is criminally insane to not buy your own hotel room. But a fun fact is that since we found out that Hans forgot his passport in Denver, William started panicking when we got picked up in Canada. Oh man, I don't even have a room. I'm like, what do you mean you don't have a room? He's like, I was going to share a room with Hans and it was under Hans's name. I don't know what to do, Tony. You know, the whole thing. You let me stay on your couch, I think. And I did. I got to hear you breathe at one point in the middle of the night. I could hear him breathing. It wasn't a snore. It was more like an open mouth, like, oh. It was actually quite nice. It helped me fall back asleep. I'm like, oh, it's a sweet noise. White noise? Yeah, it was. It was like, it was like white supremacy noise. So yes, we had a lot of fun, big fun gig in Edmonton, Canada. What stood out to you, William? Perfect. So what else is going on in your life, William? What have you been doing to pass the time lately? You always have fun hobbies. Bill's just rowing. I'm up to 874 miles since January. I cannot stop doing that. I'm getting faster. I'm getting stronger. I'm getting more confident on the urn. It's a lot of fun. I see Michael Gonzalez in there all the time. And I also saw our man over here. Which one? He's really Jack. You don't remember his name, do you? Do you not know the guitarist's name? John. He's been, are you talking about John Dees or Matt Mueling? Yeah, John. No, but I was talking about Matt. Oh, there you go. Why'd you try to make that awkward? I knew your name, Matt. Plus, they stole my thunder. You told me I was really Jacked and we just breezed right over. Let's see. I'll Jack, are you? Let's see a quick flex, Matt Mueling. Whoa. Wow. Wow. Matt Muscle's Mueling over here. Absolutely. Tony, I knew Matt's name, dude. You definitely, the record will show. That's awesome, Matt. I knew your name. I know you knew my name. Okay, okay. We're good. It definitely seemed like you didn't know his name. I gotta let you know. Like, you may have known his name, but it seemed like you didn't know his name. Why don't you name everybody up here real quick? Why don't we go, why don't we go from this side, this side down. We're gonna start over here. So go ahead. The guy's name that you knew was... Matt Mueling. And this is... John Dees. And this, of course, is... We got D-Man. And we know that you know... Dude, we got Michael Gonzalez. Yep. And welcome to the hard part. Here we go. Come on, man. Carlos. You know his last name? What is your last name, Carlos? Well, you can't ask. Okay, okay. Um... And I love both of y'all, but I can't think of y'all's name. Ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously, it's nothing personal. I sort of got... Fur, fur. What are y'all's names? Fur. Fernando. Okay, there's some definite cheating going on over there. I just heard the whole name being said. And Raul. Ooh, very good. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Awkward. Good job. Little fun fact, William started sweating, physically sweating during that part. That part. Not during the set. I knew when I got down over there, I was baaah. Yeah. I knew I was baaah. Even though I'm always night, it's always so sweet to see y'all. It's always nice to see y'all. I can just bat at names and stuff. Yeah, it's okay. We see how you feel about the Latinos. Very good. Very much fun. What else is going on, William? Oh, my gosh. Tony, I was in Toledo last Saturday, and I get picked up and the flights are all fucked up on Saturday. And then I get picked up by Lyft, and it's an hour drive from the Detroit airport to the comedy club. And about five minutes into it, the guy starts doing this little cough, and I start thinking, oh, my gosh, this guy's sick, but I don't think too much of it, and I'm just generally stressed. About 20 minutes later, I'm looking at the guy, and his head is bobbing down like he's falling asleep. Oh, my God. And about 10 minutes after that, we're right beside an 18-wheeler, and I see the guy's head going down, and I see my eyes flash before my eyes, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, well, hopefully you can take a nap after this. It looks like you're sleepy. He's like, yeah, I've been doing it since 4 a.m., so I'm tired. But I've made it. Wow. Wow. Boom. Yeah. If you would have crashed in that situation and died, what would you have thought? What would have been your first words? To Jesus up in the gate? Yes, when you got to heaven. Tell us. Lord, you knew I believed in your ass. I pray to you every night. I was pretty sure I was going to go to heaven, but I was a little worried just because of things that I do in my life. I'm generally pretty good, but I do see how weird it is. Look up at the light. You're talking to God. But thank you so much, Jesus, again. You heard my prayers every night. You helped me out. I'm so happy to be here. Let's go in. Show me around. Let me see where I'm living. Hopefully it's a cool spot or whatever. But thanks so much. So happy to be here. Keep... I was going to be God, but let's just skip ahead. And Duncan, I'm with you, dude. I can't fucking stand, H.E.B. Thank you! Oh, yeah! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I'm getting word... I'm getting word that if you would have crashed, you actually would have ended up in hell. So... So go back to the light, and now you're burning in hell, but Jesus is like, hey, do you want to... The red spot. I've got a hand for Kino back there on the light. We've never even seen a red spot like before. Didn't know it was possible. Okay, now you have to negotiate. You're begging the devil to let you out. Lord, Lord, Lord. No, it's the devil now. You're trying to convince the devil that you want to get out of hell. Devil, here's the deal. I grew up going to church. I'm confirmed in the Episcopal Church. I prayed every night. You can ask Jesus about it. I talk to his ass every night. This is a horrible mistake. I get it. Your actions are louder than your words. And that's always what I was worried about, because I'd pray a lot, but then I'd think, oh, you're doing this bad stuff on the side. I'm doing everything. So here I am, and I'm just saying, this is a giant mistake. Please get me up out of here. I need to get out of here now. I'm not staying here. Unfortunately, when you were on Earth, you talked shit about the H.E.B. So you must stay here and burn for a lot. Ah! Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha. Ha, ha, ha. If you did find out that you were going to eternally burn in hell, would you ever stop trying to beg? I don't think I would ever stop trying to get that. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Talk Space Open Phone, the time rants up to Cova's. DuncanTrustle.com. He's going everywhere. Columbus or Lando. Make some noise for our guests. Ian Fydeance is on tour. IanFydeance.com and Ian Fydeance Comedy on YouTube. He's going to Chicago, Urbine, Oxnard. He's iAnimal69. Again, one more time for DuncanTrustle as well. Talk Space Open Phone to Cova's. The drawing from Ryan Jebeld is in, and it is absolutely unbelievable. Just a reminder, the band's playing New York City Blue Node right after the Madison Square Garden shows, August 18th on that Monday night. Let's see what Chris will do. Oh, Timmy, no breaks. After only two appearances, there's left such a mark on the show that Chris is already drawing. Incredible. I'm at Madison Square Garden, August 15th. Read the night before we do kill Tony. At Madison Square Garden, Columbus, August 29th, Baltimore, September 12th, Fort Lauderdale, September 19th, Raleigh, September 20th, and Phoenix, September 27th. How about one more time for the best band and the best band in the world? Right, Dan? Check out the SunsetStrictATX.com secret show every Thursday. We love you all. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. The SunsetStrict Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStrictATX.com for tickets. The SunsetStrict Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStrict.com for tickets.