Zach Zimmerman is Not Evil

This is a head gum podcast. I think it depends. I think somebody can really say that one. As a troll, you can never tell a lie. One more time. As a troll. You can never tell a lie. A third time just to make sure we have it. You got it. Ha ha ha ha. How are you, Shigger? I'm hanging in there. Yeah. What does that mean? Living, loving, learning. What can you tell me about 10 topics? I think you're the first guest ever to walk in and tell me 10 things I didn't eat. 10 things I didn't know that I'm not allowed to talk about. Yeah. It's called boundaries, baby. I'm learning what they are. I'm really happy for you. They're very hard to do. I'm really happy for you. It's all I want to talk about are those 10 things. Yeah. And so that's, oh, I get it. So this, yeah, the reason you're happy to be so intense about not talking about this, because you're dying to talk about. Oh, of course. It's the headline of my summer. It's hard for us. But I'm processing those things. It's hard for us. But we're the kind of people I think most comics in general, but we want to talk about everything that's ever happened to us. Oh, yeah. And that's nice in that it's vulnerable. My friend said, like, that's what she loves about me. I like open up and I share my inner. So people can like poke around. Yeah. But I'm realizing like, oh, not everyone has, and I'm sort of violating my own boundary now. Not everyone has the purest intentions. Like, hey, this is how to love me is also like, hey, here's how to emotionally abuse me. And so I need to be a little more mindful about who I let in. Were you giving them the code to the safe? I gave them the code to the safe because I trust people. Yeah. I'm so naive in immature. I thought people were good. I still think they're good. I'm very and frank Jesus Christ in that way. And what happened to them, you know, is that something you feel positive about referring to yourself just now on the So true podcast as very in Frank Jesus. Does that feel good to you? Because I'm a mere humble interviewer and I'm happy to I believe people are good to my detriment. Yes. That's what I mean. And so dude. I'm not saying that I'm Jesus. I'm not, and I'm also not Jewish. I realize both those people were Jewish. Those people. And I'm not. What else do they have in common? That is so fun. I'm an in J.S.S. Um, I don't know. I'm empowered by this. By what? The shoes off? Yeah. And I feel like a little kid. Yeah. The stripe shirt, the shoes off, the, the just, just learning about boundaries last month. Really? I thought you told everybody everything. Me? I thought one did. Oh, one that won show one. Capital world overshare. Yeah. Well, I think it's fun to share. I like to share. I think I share a lot. But I keep, I keep some things for myself, but very rarely. What do you do for yourself? Um, I do. I'm doing, I'm testing his own boundary. That was wrong of me. No, I, I was just talking to somebody about this yesterday that like in work, I'll talk about absolutely anything. I don't really have much fear around any topic. I don't have fear around any topic. I, I, I, I exercise some boundaries in my work only around a key couple of specific, like, familial relationships. And not my dating or sex life, but my romantic life. Oh, you talk about fucking, but not falling. Yeah. Exactly. Zach, you are such a poet. Stop. You're such a poet. No, one to note. You also, you make me want to, you make me want to embrace my, my Southern poet side. Stop. We do. Where is Midwest South? No, I'm, I'm stolen valor over there. Some people talk about, uh, Missouri as the South, but the truth of the matter is there's really two miseries. And one of them is Southern, one of them is Midwestern. I am from squarely from the Midwestern portion, but there's, it's a spectrum. Yes, because if you're down in the boot heel of Missouri, that is called the boot hill. Yeah. And it's, that's like, Arkansas, Tennessee. Yeah, that's like down in the whole dip of Missouri. You're down there. And then north, it's like Iowa. Is it a pair of heels or it's a boot for sure? Yeah, it's, I'm just telling you what it's called. You know what I'm realizing these chairs are. Tell me kind of like rocking chairs. It's fun to swim on a porch. Isn't it fun to swivel? It's fun to swivel. I feel like one of those fans. What? You know, a fan that kind of gives a little air over here. You're referring to the concept of oscillating, yeah. Okay, SAT. I know that word also. Don't act like you don't know what oscillation is. Comedy is just synonyms. Yeah, it is. Vassalating. What do you think that you're blocking from me right now? By focusing on the chair and the shoes. Keeping things light so you don't get into the summer. The summer from hell. The summer I turned broken. Oh my god, I just love that. We were talking before the show about Portland. And you mentioned a fun experience you have. May I share a Portland experience I had? This is Portland, Oregon. Portland, Oregon. I was there. I was nice. I was on a dating app and match with a beautiful trans woman. And we started messaging. And then we choose like, oh, can I get your number? I was like, sure, we started chatting. We were going to meet up to fool around. We shared. She shared a dirty pick. And I was like, oh, that's a, that's a different pick than your profile picture. And she was like, oh, that's my roommate. She's also a trans woman. I was like, okay, you're a catfish and I blocked, etc., etc. Phone call. Do it now. I was like, what? Do it now. Look at my phone. He's, this scammer has sent a report of my name. They have my address, my age. A list of possible family members, some of which are true. A picture of me and then a picture of a penis, which is not my penis. I never sent this penis. Are you lying right now? No, it's literally not my penis. They sent a penis, which is, hey, you're my penis. I don't know who that was. No, it was, it's not, it was bigger than mine. And they always are. They always are. They always are. They always are. I know. That's why being bi is nice. gay men like need 10 inches to feel anything. No, I've been on record about this. A big dick is such a, it's cumbersome. Don't bring a big dick cumbersome. It's cucumber. It's not, it's like, why do you even have that thing? Yes, but I have to finish the story. We'll then get back to it. I forgot where I was. He said, do it now. Yes, they built this report, not my penis, that they're going to, they're like, I'm going to send this to your family and ruin your life. I was like, what? Yeah. I'm counting down 10, 9, 8. I was like, you don't, that is so, like texting this, like 10, 9, 8, like do it now. And I'm like, what? He's like, send me 500 hours. I'm going to ruin your life. I was like, you don't have my family's phone numbers. And then he's like, all right. And so a couple of minutes go by. My sister texts me like, hey, did you get that text? I was like, how is this scammer like pretending to be my sister? That's insane. So I call her like, Hannah, what are you talking about? He somehow sent this report to my immediate family. And my brother's ex-wife, their numbers must be online with like, this guy does gay and teenager. And they send the dick pick, not gay and teenager. Gay and teenager, to be fair, I was talking to an of age trans woman. Yeah. What the allegations aren't even like, basically, and I'm just texting my mom like, that's not my dick. Come on, that's not my dick. And I think she was most offended by just being reminded that I'm queer in her inbox. I was going to say it's not great for your mom who has like maybe some questions about queer. If I heard a gun attack, it's like, here's your son's dick. He's doing teenager. It's like, okay. Horse case scenario. Yeah. And she was probably just like, send him the $500. Just do it. No, but that was quite a quite an afternoon. It was quite a rush actually. Yeah. Because I wasn't going to give in to it. I knew it wasn't real or mattered, but it does get your heart racing. I mean, this is a horrifying story. Yeah, I do have a habit of going through terrible things and immediately thinking they're funny before actually like sitting with the emotions. Oh, it's horrifying that this person did this to you. Yeah. It's such an invasion of privacy. I know it makes you kind of not want to go on apps or give your number anymore or trust your gut more. I kind of knew something was up. I don't give my number. She was like, I don't charge. And I was like, what's a funny headline? Yeah. A count? Like, okay. I was like, I do. Dollar a minute, babe. But they pray on sweet horny tourists. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I hate that it happened to you. Thank you so much. What app was this? Grindr.com. This was Grindr. Grindr. Full of bots these days. I know it. Hot people. Oh, hey. Joined in my only fans. No. I know. I got to I think for a number of years there when I was a little bit younger, the grinder fake accounts. The pictures were so clearly fake. It was always like some some man and like a mostly unbuttoned white shirt on the beach with like a Pinot Grigio. It was like, you're clearly not in world Missouri right now. And now they've got good at finding like multiple pictures of a real looking person from the area. They're pretty good. My big beef with grinder right now isn't the bots. It's the death of the imagination. Okay. People in these albums are sharing photos that sort of leave nothing to it. They're showing. This is one of my biggest things. It's like graph. You're showing me a dick in your ass. You're showing me an imagine. There's no like write a write a poem write it write something like there's nothing. Yeah. It's so graphically explicit like there's the mind isn't engaged. It's just body like plug and play. This is your thing also. I'm with you. I'm so excited to hear you say this because I have been saying I don't send nudes at all. I don't do it. Oh, same because I'm like, I'm there's too many people. I've caught too many people even even kind of early in my career. I caught too many people trying to get me to send news. They just want to see the goods. And then they want to not they don't want to hook up. They just want to like do whatever they want to do with them. Yeah. And I'm not interested in that. Are you on LPSG? I'm sorry. There's a forum out there. LPSG. Yeah. What is that? It's a port group. It's where people share the nudes of notable public figures that they've accessed in order to determine if they have LPs. That's horrible. It's terrible. People are really nasty. I have a page there. Yeah. They have nothing on me. Yeah. Also, I don't. Well, I need to check in on that. On the size of my penis. I need to check in on the size of your penis on the chat. No, the forum. I mean, I find that bookish anyway. But the sending of like every angle of your naked body before you meet up with someone I'm like, the whole fun is that we like meet each other. We make out for a little bit. We feel around. We wonder about what's going on. It's been a lot of fun. Yeah, it's like, this is the fun of it. Why don't you like, you've removed the whole entire enjoyment of the process. It's soon you don't even have to meet up. There's probably some weird AI future where you just bloop and then they appear and you don't even, I don't know. Yeah, I really, I don't like it at all. It really makes me sad. I like to like a letter. Okay, so yeah, you and I are dearest Caleb and the evening has descended, but my penis is rising. Yeah, if you sent me that letter, there's a less than zero percent chance we'd fuck. That's not how percentages work. Yeah, well, it is in this scenario. Oh, okay. Welcome to your world. I like it over here. I like it over here. It's good. Everything makes a little bit more sense in my world. Can I tell you the catchphrase of the summer? Yeah. Tell a man, no, this is the clip. This, I already know this. Quick, this, this. Quick, this. Tell a man, no, get ready for a show. Well, tell a man, no, get ready for a show. Tell me about it. What does that mean? All you have to do is tell a man a little, itty bitty, no, they will put on a production, a little bit of rejection. You will see, do this on an early date with someone, do this with a new friend. It shows everything about the person. What do you mean? Like, no, ask me something. Okay. Well, I don't think, okay, ask me a personal question. What's your, what's your idea of a perfect day? No. That's a great question. I don't, I don't want to talk about that. Well, yeah, that's really rude. Oh, don't you think that's rude? That was rude. That it would be rude if someone asked you such a benign question to say that you don't want to talk about it? Oh, potentially. Let me give you a better one. Yeah. Um, but you also might not be a man in this scenario. I have to be a man in this scenario. I want to be a man in this scenario to make your thing work. Um, let's, let's go out Friday night. No, thank you. Yeah, there is a better way to do that. Oh, I'm busy. I'm busy. That's different than no, though. You want to see how they respond to being told no to like, oh, can I get the door for you? No, thank you. What do you mean? I can't get the door for you. Like you're going to see anger. Yeah. You're going to see playfulness. You'll see how they react to a no. Yeah. And this summer, I was telling men, no, I got shows. Yeah. I got, they put on little song and dances. I got, they got, they got angry. Oh, I got, they did, they did their little dances. Yeah. And what did you learn? What did I learn? That it's not to hold firm to it. Don't give in. Yeah. Just because of their oversized emotional reaction to that no. Yeah. Like, maintain your no. Don't personalize their reaction. It's something they have. Even you being like, that was rude is based on like your understanding of like social etiquettes and norms. Like, oh, I didn't mean to be rude. I just don't want to talk about that. Yeah. Well, I do think, yeah, I think that's totally fine. It's totally fine for someone to say, I think both sides are fine. It's totally fine for someone to say that was rude. And for you to then say, oh, I wasn't trying to be rude. If I experienced an encounter in dating where I thought someone was rude, I would say that was rude. And if they said, oh, I wasn't trying to be rude, I'd be like, okay, that is a no. Perfect interaction. Yes. Yes. I think there is something that like conflict is not inherently. I've encountered a lot of people abuse Sarah Shulman. What is that? Conflict is not abuse. It's a bookshare. Sarah Shulman. Oh, I don't know who she is. And she wrote rent. And it was stolen by Jonathan Larson. Yes. She's a lesbian scholar, wrote, oh my God, I feel like I'm queer elder right now. Oh my God. What was the first book she wrote? People in trouble that inspired, it was stolen by Jonathan Larson to make rent. And what did I read of hers? There's a family book about how therapists and people need to intervene in homophobic family units that we like celebrate and worship the family like, oh, the parents are always right. Let them do. And it's like, no, if the parents are homophobic, the state slash a therapist slash community members need to intervene. Yeah. I forget what the title of that one was. Do we, is that a skill? Yeah, what's the, what's the last Sarah Shulm? I get your name wrong. Sarah Shulman. I feel like the lesbians are going to be really mad if I got that name wrong. Don't worry about a title. It's almost week. Oh, what'd you do? I was talking about, there's this, there's this phenomenon that happens sometimes on the show where if I'm on, if I make any joke about another group, there's like 12 people from that group that are like, why would you be speaking on this? And it's like, because I can't and I want to. And we need to grow up. And I'll keep doing it as well. Is that your right? Yeah. And it is. And I will. That's my job. It's literally, yeah. Did we find a chance? There's a lot. People in trouble, was there fiction work, but the nonfiction was, there's my American history, lesbian, gay, life during the Reagan Bush years, stage struck theater aides in the marketing of gay America, ties that bind, ties that bind. There you go. What is ties that bind? That's the homophobia one. That's the interview. And then the conflict is not abuses for most recent one, which I haven't read. But yeah, with a, with a name like that, you kind of, I mean, you don't have to read the book. That is, that is there's something like the Let them theory. Yeah. You don't have to read the books. Just let them. Mm. Sorry. No, you were saying. That is something I've been thinking a lot about is, um, conflict is not like, yeah, it's not abuse. It's not inherently a bad thing that someone, you're allowed to have your thing and someone is allowed to have an opposition to it. And you can probably both get to a place of being like, oh, okay, understood. In fact, it's healthy and good that you both leave that as still individuals. Yeah. Like with your own ideas and thoughts. My dad, God forbid I'm siding him, said, and I'm siding the dark magic on this one. But yeah, I'm in both. You brought him up. You brought him up. If two people, Caleb, you want to talk about it? I told you not to. Yeah. Oh, welcome Zach. Stop it. Right? Zimmerman is not here. If two people agree on everything, only one of them is thinking. Yeah. Ooh. That actually is really insightful. He has like four or five things. Yeah. And then my therapist has like six or seven things that are just like Bible verse quality things you want to cite for your whole life. Therapist beats dad. Therapist is dad. Yeah. First of all, or sort of the non-judgmental shameless kind loving and supportive father figure. Yeah. Of course, he's a 55 year old straight white man. Naturally. In Chicago. Oh. Yeah. Change my life straight. Straight. Well, I've had gay therapists and it's never took off. Why not? For various reasons. Yeah. One in Chicago just would sit there. What do you mean? Just give me something. Just wouldn't say a word. Just like, oh, I don't like that. Like kick us off. And then I went in New York who was like more insecure and anxious than me. And I was like, that can't be how this work. We set up a verse meeting and I was like, hey, like, if you have this works out, I'd love to like keep seeing, keep making another appointment. He's like, what do you mean if this works out? Of course, it's going to work out. No, no, honey. Not iron sharpening iron. Please. This can't be. It was dull, sharpening dull. That's crazy, dude. Have you had gay therapies? I don't really do therapy. God, you really are enlightened from the jump. Oh, I don't think so. I mean, I feel good, but I think I could probably, there's times where I need therapy. I just haven't made the leap back to it. I did, when I say I don't really do therapy, I mean, lately in my adult life. I did therapy a little bit in college. It was fine. But I kind of got over my big thing at that time and then everything since then, I got a lot of tools from that. And then I don't know, I've just felt like I can mostly handle things. For my first lunch forever ago, I was like, hey, look at someone you know who you are. I do, I think. In a very confident way. And you've told me about saying no to things before. And you're just like, you're very sure of yourself and I admire that. Thank you. Do you feel like you know who you are? I'm starting a process of learning who I am. Yeah. I've just put in other people's needs before mine. And when did that process begin in the summers? Is it the Amsterdam and Germany? Yeah. I've always been like, I process some of the, I grew up super religious. Evangelical thought I was going to hell. I've processed like some of that, but I'm realizing a new that those wounds by keeping the relationship with my family, those, I'm still receiving some abuse. Yeah, you've given a lot. I noticed from afar, you've given a lot to your family. Yeah. And I thought it was noble. This is sort of on the topic of the book I'm writing. The new one. Donobuk. It's called Ship Mother. Yeah. It's, I took my mom on a week long cruise, my conservative Evangelical mother in order to fundamentally change and alter her religious and political beliefs. And we all know how that turned out. It worked. It worked. She's, she's running with, she's been talking from Amdani. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. She loves that free bus. Yeah. And so, but what I, I don't want to, well, I mean, I'll give it away because the book may never come out or might die tomorrow. What I learned me being like obsessed with her and trying to understand her was that the expense of me being obsessed with myself and learning who I am. Like why am I trying to like, why does this woman believe I'm going to hell and sort of can't accept this, this queer part of my life? I, um, I caught her in a lie. Whoa. I'm going to be a man of lie and it's a big lie that you don't want to tell, do you want to say for the book? I don't want to pressure you into giving away a big good lie. I mean, if everyone listening could go by the first book, yes, that'll help their second book maybe exist. Okay. So everyone go by the Zach's first book or in my home beautifully. Oh, thank you. Untouched. Sorry. It's enough. It's a mausoleum. It's it. No, everyone prays to it when they come in. No, it is touched. It has a great cover. Do I mind giving that away? Yeah. I mean, it's not, I don't know if this will be in the book that she loves me unconditionally was a lie. Yeah. And how did you catch her in that? I came out to her as bisexual or let her know I was dating a woman this summer. And she said, I've been praying for this, which is funny and hurtful at the same time. Holy, it's an awesome meeting. I know that she hit it behind humor, which is what's tricky. Yeah. Oh, that's actually really hurtful, but hilarious. Yeah. Thanks for the content, mom. And as I was dating a woman, she was asking more questions about it. She sent us like a present, a game for us to play. And I was like, oh, would you have done that if this was a man? You can be honest with me. And she said probably not. Yeah. And so a couple weeks later, I was like, hey, how do you show love? Oh, you ask questions. You send gifts, right? Um, excuse me. I'm not getting choked up. That was like a belt. Yeah. You just had a whole variety of coffee. Yeah, it's like a 20% chance of crying on the pod. Nice. I would say, have you ever, have I cried on this pod? Yes. Oh, have I? I think didn't. Hmm. Yeah. I can't remember what episode it was. I cried on a bonus segment once with Bob, with Bob, yeah. Um, have I cried on the main show? Mom's stuff trying to think. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, you didn't cry during either of the Kelly episodes. No, Kelly cried instantly on the Kelly episode. My mom, I don't know. Oh, I feel like you're a mom. I feel like you, you're a cryer. I feel like you've gotten choked up or like teared up a little bit. Yeah, I cry. I mean, I was cry, I've, I cried to you like two days ago. I cry. I just, usually on the show, we, it doesn't, usually go to a place that gets me to cry. Got you. But I'm open to it. What's crying on camera? I think it'll be very chic. I, we're at 25% now. Oh, we got it. Yeah. Feeling a little safer. You got to say, little safer. Little safer. Maybe you are safe here. But I confronted my mom. I was like, oh, it seems like the level of your love is conditional based on the gender of my partner. Yeah. And she's like, well, I, I, I, I, I, I, well, you know, I believe what I believe. I was like, oh, I'm just disappointed in that. And she's like, well, yeah. And I just stood, stood my ground to co-op to phrase. Yeah. This is Sandra Ground State. Yeah. This is Sandra Ground State. And doing your hair. Yeah. And yeah, it was just eye opening to me like, oh, you've said that for so long. I love you unconditionally. We had a funny you, your mom called when we were having brunch and I, I asked where you got all your confidence. And you said my mom. Yeah. She said praise to me every day when I was a kid. And I was like, I called my mom after that. I was like, hey, can, will you like praise me? I'm sorry. That's so sweet. I love you. That's so sweet. That is so sweet. That is so sweet. Because she was like, you're almost a 40-year old man. Why do you need your mom to praise you? Yeah. And I was like, oh, because you didn't when I wasn't 40. Yeah. Because you didn't do it when I needed it most. And in the next day, I got like, you're amazing, my amazing son. That's really sweet. That's effort. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe, you know, or is there a $8 short? Yeah. And there might be a word for a person who does that sort of push, pull, degrade, praise, degrade, praise that I hesitate to say. Yeah. Yeah, it's really tough. It's really tough because I don't know. You oscillate sometimes with parents between, it's, you know, the whole, like, it's their first time on Earth. It's kind of thing where you're like, they're a person who's figuring it out. Absolutely. You're oscillating. Between like that and then also being like, well, I was the child. I shouldn't have to have this much grace for you. 1000% my dad asked him once, like, what's it? What is a good dad? Yeah. Thinking, oh, he had some philosophy. He's raised four kids. We're all like reasonable adults, productive members of society. And he goes, I don't know. I didn't have one. Yeah. I'm like, oh, you're trapped. Yeah. You're, you're 12. Yeah. You're 60, but you're 12. Yeah. And it comes back to one of the Bible verses of my therapist. Everyone is a fourth grader. This has been a thing that's been coming up a lot lately. I've seen, I've seen a bunch of, you're skeptical. No, I've seen a bunch of stuff online like everyone's 12 now. Like everyone's, we were always 12. Yeah. We've always been 12. Yeah, I don't want you to feel 12? No, I feel that I've always been 30. Yes. I feel that when I was 12, I was 30. I felt 60 since the day I was born. Yeah. And I really do. I mean, I remember being 12 and being like, why do I not relate to any of these people? The other 12 year olds. And I'm like, God, I wish I was the adult. They seem like so much more on my page. Oh, the teachers and I shared a special bond. Yes, of course. Of course. Every little teacher. Yes. All those straight A's that of course my legacy, my poor sister. How so? She was two years behind me. And once the teacher went down and saw Zimmerman on that list, they're like, I had your brother. She was just in my shadow. Oh, poor soul. I bet that was hard for her. Yeah, she's doing well now. She teaches of all things. Trauma informed education in South Carolina public school system. Wow. One of the most incredible, just doing it for all the right reasons. It's a big, I was actually just this morning thinking about how big of a swing it is with teachers. There's like one end of it's very, it's very polarized. There's not much to teach. No, I love hair and hates teachers. Well, listen to the take because they not certainly not overpaid. But half of them are the sweetest, most angelic, like truly in it sounds like your sister in it for the right reasons, want to like change the future and be there for kids. And all you can do is like tip your hat and admire them and ask what more can we do for you. And half of them are the biggest reject losers who like miss high school and middle school and wish they could do it over again. So badly. Miss Brian. I'm saying it's like a name her. It's like ends of the spectrum. And I think there's more of the good ones, but I'm saying it would be ridiculous to pretend that we don't know that some teachers are just like bloodthirsty, like rejected losers who feel bad because they were bullied in high school. Same with parents or people that just have some vendetta and say this. Same with comedians. Yes. And we don't even actually have the angelic spectrum. We just, we're all just shades of demons. It's like how hurt are you is the only. Yeah. So I'm not, yeah, I'm not proclaiming to be above. I'm just saying it is an interesting thing, that profession. One of the most interesting teachers I had was my math teacher in high school. And she was a beautiful woman. And at the senior breakfast, she sang that Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain. God love. And would cast the cutest boy seniors. Uh oh. Uh oh. Hey. She was like, she would come over like, that Don't impress me. Oops. Oh, not that, not that. She also, she wrote me letters of recommendation to change my life. She gave me four of them for colleges and I only needed three. Yeah. And it was wrong of me to do. But I wanted to look at what it said because I'm a words of affirmation girl and I want to see what it is. And it goes, Zach is one of the best students I've ever had in all my careers of teaching. She is sure to excel at whatever she does. Wow. I was like, I actually did something huge for you. I was like, she copypasted, but also she knew. Yeah. Maybe she knew. Cut and nailed it on accident. And I got it accidental affirmation. Let's go. But then Miss Brian was the bad end of the spectrum. Eighth grade English. Yeah. Evil woman had us do resuscitations. What's up? She had us memorizing recite things, but she called it a resuscitation. Yeah. How about recitation? Dying. Yeah, weird. And she gave me my only zero. Whoa. Oh, evil. This the tears are coming. 30%. 30%. 30%. She it was back when instead of like reading a book, you had to do like 100 different activities to do the book or whatever, little fun things. And she gave one way to earn points was to draw a picture of a scene from the book. And she gave us all a piece of tracing paper. And so in my book, it was a beautiful intricate scene that had already been drawn. So I used the tracing paper to go over it. Zero plagiarism. Whoa. My mom. Lever to death. Rabo Rouser doesn't love me unconditionally, but fights when necessary. Love's a good fight. Love's a good fight. The 2020 for election. And January 6th. I wish she could have been there. Charlie Kirk. She wrote, I am Charlie in the sand in Myrtle Beach. That's a fun thing for our listeners to know about Patty Zimmerman. She loves the fight. She called the principal. Why is why did my son receive a zero? The principal calls the teacher. Zach gets another chance. The next day, I drew the most beautiful picture of the scene from that. She goes to the Beach right's eye and Zach in the sand. Just sweet, is that got any? Is he sweet, is that? Oh, yeah, she fought for me. Also came to school and had me remove when condoms were discussed in sex ed, which did lead to me using saran wrap once in an early sexual encounter. But which works? It, I don't have a child. Yeah. I don't know if I am not father. I don't know if it's my poor sperm or the clinging power of saran wrap. It's hard to say. You know, they have sponsor. Yeah, saran wrap, yes. Good, good. You run two million of ads this on here? Yeah. This is, you're doing well. Yeah, saran runs two million of ads on here. This is, you've really, this, you like the new studio? I love it. We have a much to do, but we're, we're really getting there. Everyone's working very hard on it. I, the pot is great. You may have praise you. Briefly. And we might cut it. Does it make you uncomfortable? You've just, you're a good egg who's building something really special and doing it your way and bringing people up with you and I don't think you're evil. Why was there a question mark on it? Just playful. Yeah, okay. Just like, just being a little playful. Just being a little playful. I was giving room for a further bit, but I liked that. Yeah, okay, that's nice. I, everyone has a little evil. Yeah, I clocked myself like 3%. Yeah. I wanted to date with someone who said 60%. Them, they said 60. Yes. For them, whoa. She. Yeah, I said they, did you like that? That was nice. Yeah, but, but she, yeah. But I, but I gave, I left a really open door. They were really nice. Open door and I let you know what's inside the door. Yeah. Behind door number one, was she a woman? Open the door. She, she. It's three doors. Your children listeners won't know this. The Monty Hall problem. It was on Let's Make a Deal. There were three doors and you would open, you pick a door to win a prize and then he opens up one of the other doors. Let's you know, it's not the prize. And then you can either switch or stay. Yeah. What do you think gives you the best odds? Just stay. Exactly. Yeah. No, switch. The door you picked has a one in three chance. The door that you didn't pick has a two out of three chance. Whoa. Because I said something math, it's mathy. Yeah. Because Monty opening a door, he knew which didn't. There was more information. It's not just 50, 50. Yeah. There's extra information. All of which is to say there's three doors and behind ones, are she, ones that he, ones of they. Yeah, the next thing is kind of a fun. It's a way to date. Yeah. A door's based dating system. Door based dating system. Door's based dating. We're going to, we're starting dating app called doors. Doors. I do think we're dating apps should have videos. Either we should do a love is blind dating app, where you don't get to see the person. Not interesting. Not interesting. Not interesting. Okay. Superficial Sally. No, I just think it's important to see someone. I like to see someone's eyes. I like to see someone's vibe. I like to see the pictures they choose. That's interesting. I think we should do a little video then. Yeah, I think videos should normalize video. Inch has video. I also like the voice notes. Oh, voice. I know. Voice is fun. Oh, you get so much information from voice. Voice is good. More than pictures, even, I think. For sure. Because you get like pacing, tone, personality. Yeah. You can fall in love with the voice. Oh, for sure. Hashtag love is blind. Her. Love is blind is her. What kind did this? Oh, I know. What kind did this? Everybody now erotic is on AI. No. Yeah. We're not leaving the house. I am. You can just on Grindr get all the pictures you need from every angle and then just talk to the AI bot. I like Grindr. But I, yeah, the point is to, I enjoy Grindr. Actually, I frequently have like pretty fun conversations on Grindr. I'm like, if people are willing, yeah, I'll check out on there. Sometimes if you deviate from the hey, hey, what's up, what are you into? What are you into? You're seeing like a freak. For sure. And I get that sometimes you're so horny that you can't entertain like a whimsical little combo. And they are being that what do you think about a bar that lets everyone know how horny you are? Sort of mental state. I think that would be really good. I think that should be on like, I think that should be on Slack. That should be on every application. Hey, does anyone know the status of this report? Someone reach out to Susan. Ooh. She said a nine. She's real. She's rubbing against your desk right now. Let's give her a minute. She should have it on door to house like hey, your driver's really horny. Honestly, I've had some cute door dash drivers that I've been like, if I knew I would I'd let you in. I've had a UPS or two that there's a vibe. Yeah. Never sealed the deal. I haven't either. Never with a delivery driver. You don't want to ask for a later date. You don't want to. A task driver. I didn't sleep with him, but there was a task driver that I'm like, if I wanted it, it's all what they say about rabbits. They fuck like me. They're for life. They make for life. No, they have so much sex. Yeah, they fuck a lot. They're gay. But yeah, they're. Rabbits for life. They make for life. And they don't get ulcers. What? I don't know. Is that true? Zebras don't. Oh my God. Because they don't worry because they're animals. Yeah. We worry. We do. I see humans. What are you un-worryed about? What's making you happy? What are you looking for? Oh my God. Joe, I'm going to go on a fall foliage cruise. It's like a four hour. It was recommended by another comedian and it's going to be so nice this weekend. You just look at all the trees. Beers, but I think I'll just have a coffee and just nature. We forget about nature. Yeah. We as an eye. We as an me-specific. Me specifically. Not a, you forget. You think like, oh, there's no nothing here. And it's like, no, there's everything. Where's the tour? It goes up the Hudson, up the Hudson. Fun. I said that twice to make sure it. Just to make sure that it's up the Hudson. Yeah. I think it goes up the Hudson. I'm looking forward to that. And then I'm scheming. I am not going home for Thanksgiving this year. Really? Because it's a Trump dinner this year. Because my sister is going with her husband and her kids to Guatemala to visit his family. And then my other sister and I were like, this drops our numbers. It'd be like six of us and four Trumpers and just me and my sister. And I was like, I don't know if I want to go through that. Yeah, don't do it. Yeah. So big ol' boundary. So I'm figuring out what I'm going to do. Yeah, these things are supposed to be fun. Yeah. I don't have, you don't have to do things you're not excited about. Because I don't see this TikTok of the guy who says an aliens in his body and then a kid is like, what do I need to know? And he's like, I've told you everything you need to know. Do what excites you to the best of your ability with no expectation of the outcome. I missed this one. I missed this one. Oh, I haven't seen this one. I'll do it a couple more times. I'm sure you. Just to make sure we got it. Yeah. But it seems so silly. Do what excites you is such a simple idea. But for so much of my life and often for me what you're doing, what you think you're supposed to do to be a good son or a good employee or a good community member, it's like, do what is exciting to you? Because that is infectious and it gets ever on excited. And then we're changing the world with excitement. Yeah. Yes. Mostly. No. No, I come up with a problem with it because I have said that the world would just be a much better place if everyone, yeah, did what made them happy. If everyone truly just focused on what made them happy, actually, we talk about this sometimes in the tenant union that like you're acting in your self interest, well, actually most of the time benefit everybody. When you're talking to working people, when you're talking to billionaires, you obviously can't talk like that. But that's the issue is when you say do the thing that would make you excited, some people are excited by being mean and bad. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately. And I think it's a small number, but that's why the, it can't be a universal maxim because even though most of us are excited by good and kindness and happiness and joy, there are some people who are excited by nastiness and that's, it's tough. It's yeah, you forget those people exit or I forget the things. I think they're like over there on the TV or doing awful things in other cities, but it's like, oh no, they're your mom. Yeah. They're your friend. Yeah. Or could be. Yeah, they're around and it's, or they're you on a really, really, really bad day. Yeah. Like we all have the capacity for great good and great evil and what makes. Choosing good powerful is that you reject the evil. Yeah. Do we all have the capacity for great evil? There's two buttons before you. You're going that one. No, ready? I'm pointing them out. One kills a man. And one gives you one billion dollars to invest in changing the world. Yeah. I don't know if this is good or not. I'm so far it seems only really clear cut. You can save a malaria net cost $23 and you can save a million lives. Somebody do the math. You could do it or you kill this one guy. I don't think you got the dilemma right because the question is. There's a train. The train is going 60 miles an hour. Right. And there's new runs where there's an old lady in the boat. And there's a doctor in the boat. The the moral dilemma you post was there's two buttons. One kills one guy and one saves a bunch of lives. So what are you going to do? Save a bunch of lives. Boy, it's money. Okay. Why would I do something evil? You would kill someone for a billion dollars. No, you didn't present the buttons right is what I'm telling you. You know, you're not presenting the problem. You think you're presenting. You said this problem kills them. This button kills a man. Yeah. And this button gives you a bit one billion dollars. That's not a moral dilemma. I was trying to make you take the money. Right. And I knew I needed to say something good to get you to take the money. Yeah. But taking the money is not anywhere equivalent to killing a man. That's not the evil thing I'm going to do. What do you know? Do you kill the man? Wait, I feel crazy. What are you talking about? Do you do it right now? Do it right now. No, I'm so sorry. I was like, I'm exactly not set up a Derma. I'm crying. No, it's the same button. Okay. One button. There's one button. For a moment, I thought, huh. You're welcome. I've been gaslit into, there was always one button. Yeah. What are you talking about? Okay. So what are the buttons? The choice has to exist. No, there's one button you either press it or not. Okay. So that's the choice. One button kills a man, but you get a billion dollars. No, I would not take that button. But you're going to save millions of lives with your billion. I don't, I wouldn't take that button. Okay. Then you're good, I guess. I really don't think I would take that button. I wouldn't, I don't think I would, it really didn't have evil in you. I think I have evil in me. I think everyone, I don't know about evil. You don't think you're capable of great evil. Great. Specifically, the great is the thing I've missed. And I'm not even asking about myself. I'm asking, do we think everyone has the capacity for great evil? Well, absolute power corrupts. Absolutely. Do you think if you had complete and total power, you were a billionaire, you could never be tried for a crime. Are you doing only good things? Oh, I think so. Yeah, but I guess I don't know because it hasn't happened to me. Have you seen Sorry to bother you? Uh, no, is that, was that Boots Rhyl? Who did that? Yeah. Yeah. It's sort of the, he's a, well, go watch it. Just the idea of, we all think at this level, we will break down the system when we get there. But if you like get access to power, do you tear things up from the inside or do you enjoy your access to power? I've had very, very micro experiences of this that are nowhere compared to what we're talking about, where I've, we just this week I was having a crash out to chance actually and a couple other people about some of the money that we're getting offered at this juncture and who it comes from and the money is, it was like a little crazy last year. Like there would be like an amount of money that you're like, yeah, that would be a lot of money. And this year it has been, I'll obviously would talk about it off my, like there's reasons I can't talk about it. Sorry guys. But the specifics of it are, it's a ran rap. Oh, it's a ran rap. It's a lot of money. But like a thing that I think is not objectively evil, but like I really don't agree with it and I have concerns about it. Anyway, anyway, there's this very small problem of an ethical dilemma that I've been in this year that has really been tearing me up. Um, and it's hard because I do good things with my money. Right. I do go like, oh man, if I took that, I could donate this much to this group and I could take care of this person who needs help. And but then also part of the agreement is that I would have to sit here in this chair and tell the people who listened to me, uh, to endorse a thing that I don't believe in. God, check out. So it's a very small version, but it's like, yeah, it's a new thing. I mean, it's ice that bad. That's the thing is I'm, I'm wanting to run ads for ice. I want to. You know, I'm trying to get the number up. I guess to me, the line from small evil to great evil is just like the amount of power that you have. Right. Like if you're willing to make the evil choice on a micro scale, like you'll do the same, like the extra money isn't going to an access to things isn't going to make you a better person. But I think that spectrum is definitional because I think when you're doing small acts of bad, I wouldn't call it evil. Oh, you can call it like a little naughty. Like it's like, it's like silly. I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, great evil. Look at me. Great. You want to say that. The button dilemma is one of the funniest things. The button almost really cracking me up still because I'm like, I can't believe you, maybe it's the me. I was messing up the meme. There's a meme where there's two buttons. Yeah, and he's sweating, but they're actually the same choice or the obvious choice. Confusing that with the box with the button. I understand exactly what you mean. Yeah, there's a box to the button. All you have to is open it and push it and one thing happens or it doesn't. Hey, I was wrong. It's really funny. I've also done. It's like, when I try to do, like sometimes when I try to do like spur of the moment, like the moral problems like that, I do get in at my head where I'm like, he's like, the train is leaving and there's an older woman, but there's a younger person and you press or don't press. By the way, someone's wearing a white coat off to the side. Oh, interesting. I get them all mixed up sometimes and I'm like, I don't know, I just, I basically get to be like, I cook. I cook. Are you good or bad? That's what I want to ask. Yeah. And if a, will a bad person say they're bad or a bad person say they're good? I think it depends. I think some bad people can say they're wrong. You can never tell a lie. One more time. There's a troll who can never tell a lie. A third time just to make sure we have it. You got it. I'm being honest. I'm being honest. I'm being honest. I'm being, I do think. I, I do like great evil and great good. I like big story from growing up Christian. Like I love God and Satan. These ideas of great evil and great good. I love Lord of the Rings. Like Sarah, I love a good villain. Yeah, I just didn't realize they were right there in my life the whole time. Yeah. Also, hot take on God. Say it. You know I love this. I reread Herman Hess's Damien recently, which comes for the Cain story, saying like, Oh, how did that come about like maybe actually Cain was a really powerful guy. People were afraid of. And so they said they had the mark of Cain. And that's why people like vilified him. And I was like, okay, let me do this with another myth. God and Jesus. Okay. How is it such an act of love to kill your son? Yeah, this is a doesn't really feel like an act of love seems like killing your sacrifice in yourself would be an act of love to save your son. And so like God and Jesus to me feel like very different ideas of how to exist in the world. Jesus preached love and acceptance and inclusion in the Gospel of Thomas, which was discovered at the Nakamadi library, but not kept in the Bible that we know and love was about how there's a divine light within us all, not just with Jesus and Jesus being God was later too. And so God is this like angry, toxic guy who picks favorites, Cain and Abel. God to me is the original narcissist. People like, yeah, people like this version better. Yes, of course. And so yeah, people are drawn to God is evil. Jesus was good. Nobody wants to be Jesus and everyone thinks they're God. Because Jesus is harder. Yeah, Jesus being Jesus sucks. You've been sent to die. Yes. And you have to be doing that willing to preach the people are good. Yeah. The people that believe to come back to end Frank Jesus and Zach. The people are free. Can I slip myself in there? Yeah, you can. Marianne Williamson, she allowed to get in there. People that are preaching good, oh, she's still alive. People that are free. They haven't got her yet. People that are preaching the importance of love and acceptance and inclusion are people come for them. Yeah. Yeah. So that's my hot take on God and Jesus that I'm still mulling over. Hmm. I think that makes a lot of sense. I like that take. I like thinking about that. The difference between the two folks a little hole in it. And Jesus may like, why did you forsake me? God, that feels kind of important. Yeah. Like we're kind of, we put that in there and we're kind of overlooking it. Yeah. So maybe Jesus wasn't God. Yeah. I don't think he was. Yeah. Okay. Maybe that is though. God, you think? Yeah. Is that where you're out with it? Oh, I did listen to a clip of yours about this. I'm, I'm not a like evangelical atheist. I've surrendered to, I surrender to the universe. God, I think God is the dead name of the universe. He say universe now and just like, Hey, there's vibes out there. There are things in this world beyond my comprehension and control. And if I put out good vibes, I've noticed synchronisities happen. I can think of a friend right now, Claire. And I bet I look at my phone after this and she's texted me. And you think like, Oh, that was random. It's like, maybe it wasn't random. Yeah. Maybe like you thought of her for some special reason or. So I'm, I'm thinking of a, I'm thinking of a hot. Sweet man in his thirties that loves his family and has a good job. Open your eyes. He texted me right after this. Open your eyes, sweetheart. Man, gender queer. That's what I thought. Yeah, I was going to say. Let's put it on. You can't trans watch a few months ago. I put you on trans watch and I let you know. I have a couple of watch lists in my life. It just makes as a gender queer bisexual people have to love me. I just moved a friend from depression watched a lesbian watch. You? I moved her. Oh, a friend. Yeah. Oh, a lot of overlap. Yeah, I thought maybe she was giving signs of depression when I was checking in. It's actually just lesbian. Well, I think she, yeah, it might be. We're going to find out. Oh, that's exciting. We're going to find out. But I've moved her. She's on a new watch list. Adley, thank you for clocking my own misgendering of myself. That was beautiful. I was just checking in. Yeah. Happy to know. Yeah, I haven't, I don't know why would anyone want to be a part of no offense. The toxic legacy of masculinity. That's how I know I'm a man is I'm like, I would not be. I would not be over here. I have any other. That's interesting. Right, right, right. You think I'm not humiliated to be a part of the team? This is a humiliating team to be a part of. I've done some Telaman nugget ready for a show. That was rude. One of the funniest things you've done in a commercial memory is that you, I don't know if you will fall in love because it's kind of, it's not, it's not a drag, but it is an observation. And one of the funniest things you've done is come into this podcast and say, I had a transformative summer that I refused to talk about. I put pieces together in a way that I didn't know was still possible. And then to continue to reference it throughout the episode is, I literally have hilarious bit to be like, to be like, I had a transformative summer that changed the way I think about what I'm capable of. No one is talking about it. And I want to do this because I think this is actually a really brilliant and captivating thing to do. And I mean, I didn't mean it as a bit, but you're right. It is quite a funny bit. It's like, I can feel what's actually happening is that you want to talk about things that you know you show in person. And I do that sometimes where I'm like, I'm not going to talk about it. I'm not going to talk about this, but if I was just no. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but it's my own. I have healing to do around it. And I want to be really intentional about the words I do use when I am ready to talk about it. I'm supporting the boundary. It feels very like I'm, yeah, on like a talk show and they're trying to get me. And I'm like, I'm not ready to talk about it. But also I brought it up. That's the funny part. I'm supporting the boundary fully. I will not, I will not go into it. But I do think I do. Her name was Susan. And his name was Corey. Here's a question for you. Because you're, this is kind of on, on that topic. You're somebody who talks about a lot of personal stuff on stage. And you're very insensitive, unsageable, you have what I think to be a really beautiful mix of funny, first and foremost, thank God. But then also like actually insightful, interesting, important things to say about the world we live in and the way we exist in it. How do you decide when something raw that did actually affect you is like ready to go to stage? I don't know. You don't know. It's great. I think my, I air on the side of real time, share how my day went and that part of that I think is the charge of the comedian. Like, hey, tell me about your day. You're sacrificing your personal privacy so that we can all have a laugh or gain some beautiful insight. But I think I need to learn some boundaries around what I keep for myself, what I don't how soon, how raw. I think like some space is nice. I think John Marko said about mentioning his girlfriend and material that like the thing has to be resolved. Yeah. Like it can't be live. Yeah. And so maybe that's the move. Like, and also I've learned to add a little space because I did tweet like like, yeah, I can't wait me when I don't want to do the thing. Yeah. John Marko's podcast, the producer found that tweet like the day I was going on the podcast where I replied to an email like, yeah, I can't wait. And so you want to add a little plausible deniability between the activities of your day and going on state. Like if I go on stage tonight and like went on the worst podcast you guys have ever heard then I wouldn't. Yeah, I'll be fine. Oh, I would never. Yeah. This is I'm enjoying myself. I know you are. But I do think sometimes people I found how do you approach? How do I approach when it takes up to the stage? I feel similar. It's kind of like electrical currents. Like if a wire is cut in the end is still like sparking, it needs to at least be capped. That's not to say that if you took the cap off the curve and flow again, it's not to say that the thing is completely resolved. And I'm never going to have negative emotions about it again or that I'm completely healed of whatever thing has occurred. But I think the way John Marko put it is frankly even better of like, yeah, it needs to not be like a live wire of a topic in your life when you take it to the audience because also first and foremost, I think you need to make sure that you're in a place to be funny about it. Yes. It is simply not any audience's responsibility to like care take for you through whatever shit you're going through. You better be making them off. Right. Stand up. Not therapy. Yeah. They need to be at the show. Yeah. There is with the NS set, I do think there is a little space for a freight edge or two, but don't make it the whole thing. Although I feel like one of the great. There's a great set of take coming on stage like the day she gets her breast cancer diagnosis. Yeah. So there is a power and a rawness of being fucking real and you can smell it when the comic is just doing their act and they're not with you. And so it's sort of your right. The you do know you want. But you're building a career and if you're, you know, just the guy who comes on stage and talks about. Wait, now I want to do a bit where like, hey, everybody, I had a transformative summer, but we can't talk about it. Yeah. I mean, that is a really good bit. Can I have it? I for sure. I think throughout the set being like, oh God, if I told you guys about this summer. Oh, if I were willing to get into it reminds me of this summer. Man, man, man, ask me about this summer. Sorry. I can't. Not taking questions at this time. Yeah, but take also, I will say, by the way, this, this like many, like this, like all of other things is a rule for myself. My rules are for me. My rules are not for other people. Other people are allowed to do whatever they want. Other rules are for Caleb. I think TIG is an interesting example because TIG is a performer of somebody who's so balanced and so, like joke driven to begin with. I trust TIG to go and do the cancer. Send it. You know what I mean? Trust is the, trust is the word. Yeah. There's the audience trust that you're okay. Yes. And there's also, there's an issue with, there's an issue with less skilled comedians trying to pull off masterful stuff too soon. A thousand words. It's like, well, you're not good enough to behave that way. Yeah. And that's okay. There's nothing mean in saying that. You're not TIG Nitoro. TIG was a very, very accomplished, like died in the wall, two words successful, skilled, talented comedian when, when she did that set, almost did that. Sorry TIG. What is the, I'm trying to think if there's a metaphor in, like painting or another medium for this, like, but maybe there isn't. Maybe there isn't. This is the perfect time to ask you, Zach, I remember what is so true to you. You don't get to ask questions of the barista. Ooh, tell me what you mean by that. I feel like I was, it's mostly in the Pacific Northwest. No offense. I love Portland. But whenever I'm in a rush, I'm always behind someone who's always like, what is coffee? And then the barista will be like, well, we take beat and it's like, no, man, no, that's so funny. The thing. So funny. So I think a little, what's hard is I love, I love these little, like, micro interactions that we have, the do breed community. I do think is important to like, have those little moments, but not at the checkout line. Yeah. Can I praise myself? You sure kid? I was out, Duncan Donuts. And I got my coffee and then I saw a woman get her coffee and she had a tiny little grimace when she got it. And I was like, oh, did they mess it up? She's like, yeah, I didn't want this cream on top. And I was like, let him know. They'll remake it for you. She's like, oh, I don't want to make a big deal. She was like, let him know. And she let him know. And they remade it for her. Yeah. And I'm proud of myself for, I don't know, just those little, I think I know. Oh, maybe this is what's so true. A little nudge is very powerful. Yeah. A little nudge. My friend, but also careful, because a little nudge can be too powerful if you're unsure of who you are. Like, hey, go, go in there. My friend will nudge me and I will listen. But just, yeah, we got to look out for each other and give each other a little nudge just like that. Yeah, noticing his love, noticing the little grimace is loving. Noticing his love. And then there's an additional act of love. Like, if you would notice the grimace and just given her a smile to say, I saw your grimace, that would be love. A further act of love is saying, what's the grimace about? Yeah. Did they mess up your coffee? It would be. And even further, you made like six or seven acts of love in that moment. I made it to third base. Yeah. You would have third base with love. Third, that wink. Third base with love. Third base with love. I do think, yeah, love is listening. Love is noticing. Love is, I use the Bell Hooks definition commitment to one's spiritual growth. The willingness to extend oneself. That hook a little out of my day. It took an extra 10 seconds. Yeah. I guess I did love that woman. That was love. Yeah, I am by. I'm deciding that was love. You're by. You're by. Love. It is funny when you're falling for someone you don't get to say the word love. Like I care about you. Like you're shy to tell someone like I love you. Are you? Me? Yeah. Oh, no, I, girl. Oh. I wonder who it is. I was the first day reason I was like I, I caught myself because I was like I shouldn't be doing that. But I was like I can see a world which is very similar to this world where I fall madly and deeply in love with you. You could almost be the exact world we're living in. Yeah. Right. Yeah, it might be. And then later later did I say I love you. I won't say but the idea of someone saying I love you and me saying back I can see a world. No, I know. I know. Can you imagine it as the response? That's dark. You love me. I there are universes in which there we live in many worlds. Yeah. Are you familiar with the Marvel universe? There are planes of existence. Can I start there? Yeah. Thank you for saying that. I'm familiar with string theory and vibrations. Yes, exactly. Zach, did I, I don't think I did the assignment. No, you did a great job. You don't get to ask questions of the Brista is a great so true. And I'm very, if there's no look, it does beg the question who then do you ask but that's not important on this show. Google, right or a friend, right, a trusted confidant. I think if I really dove into it I'm team you get to ask the Brista questions even though it when there's no line. And though I know, I know it sucks. This is why I did this. This is basically a true story. I'm in an airport and an old lady is like, well, is that problematic that I had to make her an old lady? What's your old? Yeah. Well, then you didn't make her. She was like, what's a latte? And so now I'm kind of charmed by the idea of something. I was going to say you're making it all. You're making it all your old life and not knowing what a latte is. I need to invent an argument that makes mine okay. Hold on, I already said she was like, you're behind Jeff Bezos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, where do you get your beans from? The specific city. Yeah. County. Now, bitch. Yeah, the bitch would definitely take it over. It's not going to suck me for you. You ready? Wait, this is an active love. This is an active love. Yeah. There, I'm going to read you 15 statements. Yeah. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said is true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Wow. And may I ask? Now, yes. Is it random? What is true and not? Or did someone sort of make it so that there's a bout? There's some back and forth. They're objective trivia questions. But then the order of them, will you deliver them to me in a random order? You're about to find out. They're ready. Okay. I have to get 10, right? You have to get 10, right? Okay. There are two NFL teams. Wait, we can't talk about what happened this summer. That's the second one. You went through a champs. More of this summer. Tell me about it. What's your perfect day? There are two NFL teams in the state of New York. False. False. There are three. Bank of America has more locations in the US than any other bank. False. False. It's Chase. Uranus is the coldest planet in the solar system. True. That is true. William Flaming High School won state events basketball in 2007. This is where I went high school. We won what? State and men's basketball in 2007. I graduated 2006. I have no idea. True. It is true. Every founding member of the band Aerosmith is still alive. False. True. Oh. Bald Eagle's mate for life. Mm. False. True. Oh. Spike TV is older than MTV. True. False. A group of ladybugs is called a loveliness. You're, yes. True. Even if it's not, thank God. It's true. The Princeton Triangle Club was founded in 1905. True. False, 1891. Skittles are banned in Norway. True. True. Reddit was originally a book review website. True. False. The sentence 19 letters long is 19 letters long. The sentence 19 letters long. Is not gonna. Is 19 letters long? Are words letters. The sentence 19 letters long. That's the sentence is 19 letters long. 19 letters long. And stop doing the math and answer. True. This is true. Warren's Fishburn is 6'5". False. False, he's 6'5". Snapchat was discontinued in 2021. False. That is false. The current mayor of Roanoke, Virginia, is Travis Fleetwood. True. False. Joseph L. Cobb. How you do that? Catch and strays. No! No! I want to litigate. Which ones that I get wrong? There's nothing to litigate. I don't get, that could get me out of a lot of minds. That could get me out of a lot. The good news. Don't tell anybody that. So don't sweat it. I thought one of the questions, I'm ready to answer. To answer. The question I refused to answer earlier. Okay. There's nothing to litigate. I thought I refused to answer earlier. Okay. There's two buttons in front of you. One does nothing, one kills somebody. Zach, thank you so much for doing this. This was lovely. You don't want to know what my perfect day is? I would love to know what your perfect day is. I thought you were doing a bit about your summer. And I wasn't going to actually push you on it. Oh no. What is your perfect day? October 3rd. Okay. It's not too hot. Not too cold. It's really cute. All you need is a light check. I was thinking about how I was peeing. It involves coffee and maybe an omelette. What kind of omelette? Oh my god. Because you know I'm a him on the ins and cheese. Well, I'm a vegetarian because I care about the sentient beings other than humans on earth. And I don't. We've made that, Claire. I love cheese. And maybe a little salsa on it. A little cream fresh. Ooh, that's the ice. And sweet potato fries. Yeah. Or a really good home fries. Like a twice fried, twice baked home fries, English muffin. Yeah. Butter jelly. And there should probably be some sex in your perfect day. For my perfect day. Yeah. I think the perfect day starts with a little. What could you say? I don't know about you guys. I wake up a little ready to go. I do, but Morning Sex is a chore of all chores. Morning Sex is like asking me to run a marathon. I'm like, I need a, I need to brush my teeth. I need a shower. I need to stretch. I need, like it's just too. Morning Sex is like, what? No, it's the best. I don't like it. And I don't like when someone tries to have morning sex with me without having like. I brush their teeth and whatnot. Oh, yeah, you got to go brush. You got to brush little mints. You don't have a little sex corner with mints and condoms. And I do. I'm no blue. Something like that. Just giant, you know, at a stadium when they've got like, yeah, catch up mustard, mayonnaise. Yeah. And I have the little paper cups with it too. Oh my gosh. Bring a paper cup of lube to the bedroom. Zach, this was so much fun. Thank you for doing that. Oh, I had a blast. Tell people where they can find you. I live at boundary. I love that boundary. I'm on Instagram, ZZ, double ZZ. That's easy. The word double and ZZ. That's the big place. Instagram, TikTok. Twitter, sorry. Interesting, especially, which is on YouTube. Yeah, watch my stand-up special called Surprise Me. It's about my search for a definition of love and Dunkin' Donuts is there. And then I have a book that came out two years ago called Is It Hot and Here? Or my suffering for all eternity for the sins I committed on Earth. You can get that on bookshop.com or ask your local independent bookstore to order it for you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Thanks for doing it, Zach. Thanks for having me. That was a hit-gun podcast.