A Triumph of Pure Delight with Trixie and Katya

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Congratulations to you. We've been manifest this in the same few months. It was right on the same time. Yeah, and I pull it up. The kids have pulled up the receipts. I remember distinctly, you know, I've tweeted obnoxiously about hacks forever since it aired. And I was like, all I want in my life is to get hit by Deborah Vance's Rolls Royce. And basically, I mean, I don't get hits, but I don't get hit by it. We know from the trailer that it's an altercation. Yes, there is some kind of... Yes, it is... Maybe in the next scene you guys kiss. Maybe we f**k. Maybe we scissor. Maybe we squirt. Who knows? But stay tuned to find out. And I watched the first episode of the comeback yesterday. I did too. Mary, it's Lisa Kudrow. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ouch. Do you want to talk about the... We have to address the elephant in the room. And it's not my giant unit. It's the car bunkal. And it's sort of concealing. I'm just, we're going to ignore it. It's a dermatological event. I think it's a lot more than that. I think it's multifaceted, but let's move on. Valerie cherished that character. It's cringe comedy, right? Yeah, I saw... She's on the cover of a magazine. He says, Queen of Cringe. And it's true. It's true. It's like Ricky Gervais' character in the British office. The actor's so good at making you cringe that it's almost unwatchably good. It physically hurts. Yeah, it's like that Tuffa feeling that I've like... I mean, it's played so well that it's almost like I had to watch it in two parts and it's only half an hour long. Yeah. She's so incredible. She's so incredible. It's a painful watch for sure. But it's such a good show. It's amazing. It's just exciting to see her. And I watched it on the app. The app started with a recap of both seasons. I was on the couch like this. Yeah. Getting ready to eat. Miss Big pulling out her gut and separating her titties and getting ready to eat. Yeah, putting your eating dress on. But both titties separate them, stuck them under my armpits, grabbed my fork and my knife, and was ready to chow down on Miss Valerie. Who will you need to keep that in the back of your mind? Because I got a point about that very thing later on. About eating? In the boat, separating the titties for eating. We'll talk about that later. Oh, why later? It's too soon. It's too soon. It's way too soon. I'm excited to see you in hacks. And I'm excited to... I hate... Why do they make us wait for shows? Give me the whole thing. Valerie only gave me one episode. I could not believe it. Season 3 Episode 1, available only, I could not believe it. I couldn't believe it. And after everything I've trusted with Valerie. I felt so shocked and betrayed on my couch with that remote. Yes. Oh, by the way, we can tell people, Katie and I also... Got sex changes. I changed for something. Change your sex, Mimi. Change it around. What we need to do... Mimi, I'm first, third on the sex change list. I could not believe it. The best part of that, and the fans who are brand new to Drag Race don't know about this. This is some old shit now. This is when TV was... Old maiden type of shit. The only way to watch Drag Race was on one of the Teletubby's stomachs. That bag or nothing. That bag or nothing. That bag or nothing. That TV, you'd have to have your kids stand on top of the TV with tin foil. Just to try to get RuPaul like, good luck and don't. If you wanted to skip the commercials, you got to yank the cord out of the wall. Yep. Okay, so when you... Can I ask about hacks? I knew we couldn't tell people. Yes. What did you think when they... How did you find out you were going to get the opportunity to do it? Oh my God, can I share? No. I asked because I don't want you to tell me. We finally have new information. I'm just trying to pad my essay. Watch it's not a good story and you're going to be like, well... You're never going to believe this because once they start telling you this story, you are going to be told all the details. This is... Starting with the first one and then... This is big for Deborah, but for Katya, this is huge. So I'm not going to brag. I'm just going to state facts in a very condescending way. Okay. So I get a message on Instagram from Paul Downs, one of the series creators. It's created by Paul Downs, Luciannello and Jen Statsky. Those are the show runners. Paul said in a DM, Katya, do you want to be on hacks? And I thought it was like an April Fool's joke. It was January. You were like, Josie Groze, he getting asked to the prom. I was like, you... I was like, if this is a joke, I'm going to kill you then myself or I'm going to kill myself then you, whatever. How do you kill yourself and then him? I don't know. Jenner from 30 Rock knows how to do that. Tyler and all PM. Slow release. You kill yourself and then hours later, he's like, I'm sleepy at the wheel. Right? Death by Tyler and all PM. She died doing what she loved. Overdoing it on Tyler and all PM. Girl, that could happen to me. Thank you. So would it be fierce if I were all these years of you being Miss Cracky? If I owed it on Tyler and all PM, they'd be so conty. I would drag you. I would deny a woman at a bank alone so I could go down to hell and drag you back bitch. That's what I would do. I would drag you back from hell to kill you myself. No. So he said that and I hope that's okay to suspension. He also sent me a ton of dick pics, not his. Just other people. Just other people. Yeah. And I was like, holy crap. So they, I was like, okay, yes, yes, yes, of course. And they wrote apart from me. No addition. Wow. No addition. Well, thank God. Thank God. You're going to got it. No shit. That's me too girl. Offer only. Show up, disappoint them and get out before anyone can say anything. I'm so nasty and hot. Girl, let me try to make sure my hair is good because this line reading is about to be dead on arrival. Like let me make sure my hair, let me get my alligator clip because this ain't a talkie, right? Because these lines you wrote for me are going to be so flat. So flat. So wooden. And because you cast wrote it for me, there will be no recasting and I will never be asked back. Every time I'm on something, it's it's not a recurring character. They're like, we're good. Well, this is the final season. So my performance could be the death now, but it is. No, I don't want to tell anybody until the when the trailer came out for the comeback and for acts in the trailer. So at least we know we're not cut out because we don't want to tell anybody we're in it. And then they're like, well, that's not what happened because you weren't in it. Do you know what I mean? Totally. Totally. And these faggots that hate us that swarm all around all of them, all of them. They would love to be like that one. Bet you really thought. Wow. Yeah. Bet you really thought. Bet you really thought that this was a pivotal moment in your shit ass career. Well, guess what? Yeah. Nice try, Heifer. Why don't you put her on your iPhone and make some tick tocks, bitch? You know, why don't you get, try to get your socials up? You flop because it's never going to happen for you. I know. Hollywood because a super fan of the comeback and hacks, even super fans who beg for the job publicly, who get a part written for them, can't even show up and succeed at line reading a part that was written for them in their voice, in their voice as them. No, one day read. Let me tell you, let me tell you something. So, so I, so I get the date. Of course, I'm, I go in for a fitting. The costume designer is, you can tell a costume designer is legit the way this woman's legit. You know, I don't know how to explain it, but she was, I don't know how to explain it. She was, she had a serious authoritative, just nice. She wasn't super warm or sweet, but she knew what she was fucking doing. And she could tell that she had done the job for a long time. I was a little scared of her TV. Many people in costume are usually they're dressed chic, but it's all very downplayed. It's like a really nice T-shirt. It's a really nice pair of jeans. They're not like, what are you looking at? No, no, no, it wasn't like, she didn't come in vogue or anything, but she was an older lady who came in and I could just tell she had an air about her authoritative air, small, small lady. And it was Jean Smart because they, they do multiple roles over that show. Jean Smart and I, I brought my, my selection of boo boo nasty Hootie outfits that were. Oh God, you didn't go down there with your Albanian Hootie story. Of course I did with my little, I had a small selection of Deborah Vance like outfits. The only took, the only allowed me to wear the shoes that I brought, but I ended up wearing Deborah's costume because I am what five to 120 pounds, just like Deborah Vance. And she's really tall. So Jean Smart is actually quite tall. And we fit into the same sequin duster, the same shimmy's blouse, the same sequin pants, which were boiling hot. So that's my first spiral spiraling. So then they moved the date up three weeks. Fierce. And you needed those time, that time to learn that one line. Well, baby high point coffee. Yeah. It's decaffeinated. Well, the fiercest thing is that the moment the day, well, I'm getting ahead of myself, but sidebar and I'll go back to it. The, the, the day that the trailer comes out for the, what, what had become the best day of my professional life by bar, the best day in my life. I get a check for the worst day of my life from residuals. Oh, from this. Was it from. Yeah, we leave that out, but it's put something else in. Was it from the prices? Right. It was from double. Right. And you guessed that that Pontiac grand prix was $4. That was humiliating. No, it was my guests are in double anal angels. Girl, I get a really country residual from, from Drew Barrymore show. That is so weird for a talk show. I guess it gets replayed. Yeah. I'm a thank you sag. Cause I just sure did pay by dues that were $3,000. Hello. Oh, anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah, I see. But so I, after the fitting, I spiral a spiral. Because I'm like, this is going to be so hot, hot lights. I, you know, I'm, I'm going to be so nervous. I'm, I'm just terrified. You also have a self self sabotaging streak. Well, exactly. Especially getting hacks. Does he realize this is your death note? I know, I know. And it's like, and not to be dramatic, but if I had this, I, I'm not joking. I would have been a very, very, I would know this is what I think happened. No, I would have been. I know. Have you ever seen. Maybe there's a part two. Paul downs, call her back, make the part reshoot. We're going to need the part in Spanish. Um, I, I think that when they asked you, cause yourself sabotaging when they, when you looked at your phone and said, would you like to be on hacks? I think you put it down and it was that part in, um, that part in, uh, that part in force gun, free bird, where she's on the ledge, Jenny, and she's ready to jump. I step on the, I step on the table of cocaine. Yes. Totally. Well, you know, it was, it was the Zoey bell on the hood of the car with no straps. For sure. I know. I can't wait to see the show. You're going to be, you look great. Let me tell you, let me tell you more. So it was a huge, so that I, I, mama, baby, sweetie, darling, honey, honey, baby, get the side of my way. The second miracle. That was the first miracle. Okay. So I was like, I'm going to be on the, I'm going to be on the, the second miracle. That was the first miracle. Okay. Guess what fucking happens the night before call time, five AM. So I start to, I'm like, okay, okay, okay. She's being like, you got to go to bed. You're like, should we stay up? No, no, no, no, no. I can't. That's not an option, but I also can't tranquilize myself to go to bed because I won't wake up. Right. So Phena's like, just make sure in your bed by eight PM, I was like, who are you talking to? Of course she's right, but it's not possible. So around four PM that day, my call time gets moved up to 11 AM in the way that I got bricked, so bricked up and almost spontaneously ejaculated in my hands. 11 AM makeup call. Arrival. Oh, that's nice. Nice. You think that's nice? That's a miracle. I could never be on TV like that. It's a miracle. We need you at five. No, if I had to show, I got fresh showered, not in makeup. When I was, but Mary, when I did English teacher, I had to be, I think all was like, yeah, they're ever six and I had to start makeup that early. It was bad. Yeah. When I, yeah, I had that experience. It's not great. So I, I, I learned my, all my lines. I learned all my lines. Let me say that again. I memorized my lines and I had huge of true, but call time got moved up. I had a scene with Jean Smart, Mary, what did I tell you ever, and it was HBO. So HBO, they know what they're doing. This is the final season of multiple Emmy winning show. And the first thing is that I was addressed as Deborah Vance as you can see in the picture, wearing her outfits, but they had several Deborah Vance wigs for me to wear. They chose the one that Fina made because it was the best. I'm not surprised. Cause girl, she turned that wig, she turned that wigs pussy into a pus war. Yeah. The ultimate pussy. She took everybody's pussy and said, you don't have a pussy anymore. Cause this wig is the pussy. She deserves, uh, she deserves the recognition. She really does a great job. Mary, we showed up and I think we separately, we drove home. I think we both cried because it was, we reminisced that this is a Wednesday 15 years ago. We were doing a show called the cream of laughter at Jacques, Jacques Cabaret for zero people together. Who thought of that name? It was a joke. It was really just called something Wednesdays. We started a nickname for the night, but like, that's not, that's not the point. The cream of laughter. It's hysterical. You just get it. No, I know it's like cream of wheat. But the point is we were doing shows for nobody. We're getting paid $40 losing the bar money. Right. And then cut 15 years ago, Wednesday, she's designing a wig for HBO for Jean, for me to act along with Jean Smart. She helped him with her makeup. It was the day was like so magical. It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. You're not allowed to say what happened in the scene, but I am. Yeah. You and Jean. Miss smart. Excuse you. Sorry. You and Miss smart. Fucked. Yeah. And it's, you know, it made love. It made love is really like more apt, but not for what we were doing. Well, I was also hired. I was the intimacy coordinator. Yes. And I said, Jean, use the whole fish. She can't feel nothing. Thank you. And you don't worry about the nails, honey. Jean, get the anal paralytic. For you. For you. Yeah. I just was so excited for you. Yeah. You deserve, you deserve it. I, and no matter what happens, no matter if I get cut out, no matter how, whatever, whatever, whatever, I'm not involved in the editing, although I email them every day. What would you do if you were in the trailer and cut out of the season? I honestly, I know. Honestly, I, no, no, honestly, I, to be quite honest, I would probably feel relief. Oh, that I didn't ruin their show. You can be like, you guys missed the scene, but I jumped out of a helicopter. I'm really the star of the season. Yeah. Yeah. It's just Mary. I didn't, I pulled focus for Miss smart. She didn't want that. She wants someone to, she and Lisa are in hot contention for an Emmy this year. And I didn't want to get in the middle of that. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. It's very Valerie. It's so Valerie. Very Valerie. ["R.O." by GLP1s are helping people all around me and the benefits are staggering. I have friends who have, you know, people who have like osteoarthritis, people who have released illnesses that are kind of exasperated by excess body weight. It's changed them. And you guys, my rheumatologists and I have been talking about there have been so many unexpected anti-inflammatory benefits to GLP1s. I mean, every day you were learning new benefits to these things. 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And I will get up there and go, I have swamp ass and leave. I can't memorize. I can, I can memorize. Like, you know, one day, Guru Nam Chahad and out of Inday, but that took about 650 times. Right. Every day. It's hard to memorize. It's hard to memorize, but you know what you do? You write it down long form. Love. I watched the first episode of the comeback. So it's not hard to memorize. I mean, like, glamazonian airways. That was a cinch. Abored. I. Yeah, you really flopped. I wish Paul Downs had seen that. Well, that they did. That's why they hired me. No, but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. So, um, can I tell you about Jean Smiret? Yeah. Oh, man. She's fucking cool. She's not good. She's, she's, she's not great. Meg Sultner said she's not good. She's not great. She smells a little like freshly fucked, but I'm just kidding. No, like, um, so we get, we get there. I'm nervous as hell. I'm so nervous. I mean, I'm so, I'm so fucking nervous. Dream job turns into a nightmare. Nightmare in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat. Because I could ruin it. Of course. And I, there's so many ways in which I can ruin it and have ruined stuff before. Like, and I, and I can, I can, I am so familiar with the air and the look of frustration and disappointment on people's faces that it's becomes a palpable like, uh, weather pattern. And it only, that ride home in the car could go very differently. The ride home in the car would go off a cliff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so the, she's so fucking sweet. Sophia, she's like, wanna run lines? And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I do. And then in two seconds, I was like, not nervous. What if he said no, I was like, do you want to run lines? No, you old bitch. No bitch. I know my lines. I've been watching Buffy the vampire slayer from the beginning. And when I think of Sarah Michelle Geller making an basically an hour movie every week. It's a 50 minute episode, but it's basically like soap opera schedules, right? Yes. And fight choreography. She's in fights every week. And sex scenes. Honestly, all of it. Yeah. I think of her learning it quickly. And I Googled, how would you do this? She was on all my children. The part of her brain that could do soap. And then just dumps it. She was like, I think she has said that that helped her memorize quickly. Yeah. Wish I could do that. I know. It's like Lisa Rena when she was on, she was on like members, whatever those, or she was on soaps as well. Like you just, you do like 20 pages a day or some crazy shit like that. And you just, you just got a. Yeah. I have a friend who's on general hospital and I said, how do you do that? I heard from, I talked about the Buffy thing. I said, I heard a ceremonial killer or tell him how to learn so fast. He said, it's an exercise in acting because you don't get a second chance of anything. He's like, once you've got it, you didn't mess up the words you move on. So he says as an actor, it has really taught him to throw it all out there every time because you're not like, oh, my fifth take will be great. It's like, no, it has to be great every time. Where is like, I mean, who is it? So many was talking, the Julie Roberts was talking about working with Andrew Garfield on that, on that movie. And like, she's the type of person who's like, okay, she doesn't want to do 50 takes and he does want to do 50 takes. Oh God. I don't know. I think actors work differently. They work a lot. Movies, married movies are a whole different thing. What's great about this season is that Jean's not in it and you just played her. Cause what I saw in the trailer was you dress as her, which I thought meant yeah, Jean quit the first day. Well, yes. And they got the only person who could fill in for her. Yeah. Well, she's actually co-starring on the comeback, which is strange. And then, you know, Valerie comes into my season later, but we don't talk about you and it's a whole, yeah, no, it was, um, it was the best day of my life. That's great. And if it doesn't air or if I die before then, or they come me out, I don't give a shit. Why do you know I want to die, but, and then prefer they not cut me out. But now I think they won't cause you're in the trailer for a no, I didn't celebrate the turn in a second until I saw the trailer and I was like, okay, good. Yeah. What if they cut us both out? Well, I'm going to say this. I got feedback from one of the directors and they said, well, how about this? When I, when I was done, they said like, you're Jenny Craig. We couldn't use the footage because of the back. Your back rolls. No, no, no. Um, the, they said you killed it. Oh, that's good. But I think they were talking about the, the, the possum in my trailer. Love. I don't know. I, I, I cried on the way home. I'm tears of joy. I pray for his air conditioning. That's all I pray for. So that's what I, that's why I got that mucus sucking medication, which I know somebody chimed in in the comments, which I never read, um, that it's, it's a very dangerous medication because it dries up all your mucus membranes. It's not safe. It's for event specific hyper hydrosis. Right. I don't take it every day. I've taken it twice, but you telling me to take it at music festivals is not good advice. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but that's when you told me to take it. It's, I said, you could try it at a music festival. If you are available to be super hydrated, but you're not in 120 degree heat. Okay. Because this was, this was, I'm going to ask my primary care. Ask him about it. I asked an MD about it. I told him exactly the scenario and then they prescribed it to me. Sure. But here's the thing. It, it dries up all your mucus membranes. You get dry mouth. You get very, very dry. And your, your P your pussy, you, you will not squirt. Can I get wet? No. You won't squirt. It'll be to Sahara down there with a Sahara, like the Gobi. Damn. From the Yanksi to the Gobi. But wait, wait. So it's not great for you, but it was an emergency situation. If, because think about it, like sweating, reattach. If once the mustache goes, Mary, it's over. It's over. It's over. And Jean goes, is that sweating? Yeah. Get this faggot out of here. Because she famously runs cold. Oh, here we go. That's, and I've, I know that I heard that. She's like, I hate how cold it is on set. I'm like, fuck. That would drive me insane. Yeah. But she was, um, anyways, yeah, it worked for the, um, uh, it worked when Fina, I mean, I didn't really actually know that's not true. Cause we, we got kind of physical, the scene. And it's the fucking. Yes. And normally I would have walked out of that scene because I really went for it. You know, um, and I would have walked out of that scene drenched, got back into the trailer bone drive. Love. The bone temple. Well, when it comes out, I'm going to have to talk to it again. Cause I'm going to want to know, cause I only know about the, I want to know about. Yeah. You can't say. No, I know. In my, the reason I'm there is interesting and it's, it's integral to the plot of the season, which I don't know. I know the whole episode, but it's going to be, um, the episode sounds wild. It sounds really crazy. And, um, I cannot wait to watch it. And I mean, I'm like, I love all those people. I've been to hand hand, I'm binders like standup show at the dynasty typewriter. She's incredible. Um, I've worked with Mark and Delacato and that celebrity drag race thing. We danced together, lost, um, rotten. Are they still doing that? I don't know. I hope they don't, they shouldn't. Were you talking about air conditioning, baby? That place was a little abusively air conditioned. Celebrity drag race. Yeah. Love it. It was like 30 degrees. Love. It was a little, for me, I was actually like, this is bad for our joints. I love, oh, I love that. Dancing time. Tom Feeney, Thomas Feeney, he was like for the hello, hello video. It's like, you know, if it's too cold, it's actually bad for your joints. Baby. Yeah. Get ready to break those knees. Yes. Spine. Yeah. Bone Eva is, but then jokes on you, I showed up and it was 98 degrees. Oh, that's right. And I velvet that velvet teen rabbit suit. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm at the point where I don't even walk up when it's hot somewhere. I don't walk up and say anything. I just power down and take your go inside myself. Take your glycopyrilate. Just kidding. Like that scene in precious where she's, she like goes outside of her body. That's me. When it's that hot and drag, I go like, well, I'm going to turn on my peripheral personality and go inside myself and think about everything bad that's ever happened to me and will ever happen to me. I'm going to ask really project above myself. Yes. If somebody's to avoid the trauma. I just saw Paul downs at the, um, the queries. Mama, let's talk about his skin. Let's talk about his hair. Let's talk about his personality. The way that man is so lovely, so hot, so nice, so funny. I would just chain him to a radiator and fuck him to death. Okay. That didn't happen at the queries. He was introducing Meg. She received an award, major award. In her American flag outfit, her makeup with her tramp stamp. She came and she also was on the red carpet, just going the present should be in jail, both for Meg. What was her acceptance speech? Like, I forget. It was hysterical. It was, it was out of her mind. She's out of her mind. And she's out of her mind when she was on cope. It was some late night show when she had a long, long, long wig. And she's like, um, when she mentions what I'm on my big period, my big period. When I have my big, she's going to do her big one. She, and, and it was just too much. I think it was Steven Colbert. It might have been, but it was, he, he didn't even know what to do with that lady because she is too hot for TV. She's amazed. Oh, that's the one where she goes, get me out of here. She is so hot. Ever been in London and you just go to breakfast. You're like, get me out of here. What a fucking bitch. She's like, probably my favorite person in this whole fucking world. Yeah. This episode is sponsored by better help. You know, I grew up on the mean streets of Marlborough, Massachusetts, raised not just by a family, but by a rotating council of terrifyingly strong women. There was Sheila at Finnegan's pub, built like a barstool and emotionally sharper than a steak knife. She could pour a Guinness and end a bar fight with a single nasty look from her lazy eye. Then there was Denise, the local postal carrier who marched through the sleet, the snow and nasty little terrors like a suburban war hero in ill-fitting shorts. And lastly, there was Darlene and for fluff's sake, the dog groomer who once shaved only the front part of my neighbor's poodle to make it look like the dog was jumping out of its own fur simply because the owner called her a nasty name. These women did everything. Work, family, relationships, crisis management, even the invisible job of holding their friends and family together when no one else would. And that kind of strength is beautiful, but it's also exhausting. This month especially, it's worth asking yourself what you carry, what people expect from you and whether you've made any room for your own well-being. Therapy can help with that. BetterHelp gives you access to fully licensed therapists in the US who work under a strict code of conduct. You fill out a short questionnaire, they do the matching for you and with over 12 years of experience, they usually get it right the first time. If not, you can switch anytime. BetterHelp has more than 30,000 therapists, has served over 6 million people worldwide and has an average live session rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Celebrate the women you love and please remember to include yourself in that list. Your emotional well-being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash bald. That's betterhelp.com slash bald. Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by SeatGeek. You guys, with over 35 million downloads, SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app. I'm going to tell you a real story that actually happened. So I was in Milwaukee visiting my mom and my mom and my aunt love Joan Jett and I love Joan Jett. And about 20 years ago when I was 16 years old, my aunt took me to see Joan Jett at Milwaukee Pride Fest. So I was driving, I saw a billboard that had Joan Jett playing with Billy Idol on it and oh my God, it was the next day, August 29th in Milwaukee. I pulled over, I called my mom and said, do you want to go see this tomorrow? She said, yes, I got on my SeatGeek app and I got tickets. Now I'm taking my mother who has mobility issues and I love the SeatGeek app because if you're like me with arthritis or my mom who has osteoarthritis in her knees, I want to know about standing. I want to know how much walking there is. I want to know exactly what the visibility is. If we're going to be in the ADA section with my mom and I love SeatGeek because they have a one through 10 rating system where you can get the rating of the seat based on visibility, quality of the show, et cetera. With over 70,000 events listed on SeatGeek, including concerts, sports, festivals, even more, you're going to love SeatGeek. I went to see Divo at the Hollywood Bowl and I got to use SeatGeek to check out a garden box seat. And when I got to the show, the view was exactly what I previewed on the app. Exactly. It was amazing. Plus every ticket is backed by a buyer guarantee. So concert season is about to kick off to make it even better. You can use the code BALL10 for 10% off your SeatGeek tickets. That's 10% off tickets with promo code BALL10. Thank you, SeatGeek. Love you. This episode is sponsored by Queens. There are summons one does not merely take, but rather enter as though stepping into a painting such as my upcoming joint to the Amalfi Coast in June. Picture it. Whitewash villas are sleeping in the moonlight. A straw hide tilted towards the sea. The hash of linen in a hotel corridor. A polished wooden boat idling at the marina waiting to carry you and a lover past cliffs grottoes and little crescents of beach only Zeus can find. And for these such days, I find myself wanting fewer yet finer things. 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No wonder Queens is so consistently rated 4.5 to 5 stars by thousands of customers. Stop waiting to build the world of you actually want. You do not need more. You need pieces that will take you everywhere beautifully. Right now go to quince.com slash bald for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to Q I N C E.com slash bald for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash bald. Can I tell you about the queerties? Oh yes. Yes. Yes. You looked fetching. Oh, thank you. Very nice gown. Amy built that gown. Beautiful. I did the hair. Fina was out of town working with you. Yeah. There's no hair and makeup people left in Los Angeles who do drag hair and makeup. No, there's just me and that's it. It's a when, when beauty. It's a weird thing where there's hair people and makeup people. You can have chili drag is different. Of course. And the problem is you need veteran drag queens to do it. But drag queens are notoriously alcoholic unreliable horse. So to find a unicorn like Fina who has drag knowledge who's reliable who wakes up at six a.m. Everybody not because moving away comes to you. I know all my usual people. I'm like, are you available? Are you available? Cause I need somebody who can glue lace and fix the makeup. Honey, don't ever. Don't think that Fina is yours, baby, because I have claim that I got a tramp step on her branded. So don't know why I know you must pay better than me. That's gotta be what it is. Yeah. I find out whatever you offer and I triple it. Makes sense. That's why I'm in such dire financial space. I think the queerties was easy. I showed up. I did my test. You was your best joke. No good jokes. No, they were really funny. They were. I, which one did I like? Oh, I said, if you guys get nervous about the queerties, remember that, um, no one even knows what they are. They're like RuPaul songs and that only the people in this room even know they exist. T pretty fun. Oh, Raven Simone, a credible sense of humor. I said, I said, Raven Simone is here tonight, but she probably already knew that. And I didn't watch till the fee, but the feed is just her like, because she probably doesn't even remember being on that show. No. And then I go, I'm Trichs and Mattel and you're watching the queerties and I did like the disinch out thing. I'm telling you, she doesn't even remember, but the, maybe it's the editing, but I watched the feed on Tik Tok cutting to her, not laughing, but I'm sure she, I'm sure she did laugh. Whatever she was probably laughing so much. She puked. Yeah. But I will say this story. Okay. So I was going to do the queerties and they asked me and I said, well, I've seen jinx to it and Alaska and Bob. And when I know from going to the queerties to host it, what I know from going is that people are so drunk and talking, no one is even listening. So what I've learned is I said, Bob, it actually inspired me because you three are so funny. And I've been in the audience. No one's really listening. Right. Kind of freeing. Just talk to the camera, do your job. I was like, Bob, and he, Bob goes, well, actually, when I did it, a lot of people laughed and people actually really liked it. And people came up to me and said, they thought it was really funny. I said, okay, perfect. Nevermind. No common ground them. We're good. Okay. Good. Actually, what most people consider a failure. I actually see that girl. I'm saying you were funny, but I'm saying that in that environment, drunk and no one's going to attention. It's not the Oscars. Yes. Um, so like, thanks to the confidence, Bob. Perfect. Bob's like, actually, I was incredible. Got it. Um, yeah. I didn't mention you're also ugly. Right. Right. And Bob said, everyone's saying that you look bad. Um, my press release for the queries was that this year they went with pretty. Fierce. Nice. I would, uh, but it was easy. Just go and read your lines, read your lines, funny, funny, funny. Leave. Um, oh, I said, last, I said, you guys, he were here and David Archuleta did that Paul Abdul tribute because he did one a few years ago. I said, I was so inspired. I've been doing a Lady Bunny tribute for the past 17 years. That's hysterical. That's so good. And that Gen Z is like, who's Lady Bunny? Yeah. Jennifer's like six plus seven. What the sigma? Great. Um, what else? What was that highlight? I just sat big stars, big stars, big stars. Of course, Margaret Cho, um, Paul Downs, Meg Stalter, May Martin. Does everybody have to be queer, queer, Jason? No, you can win for doing, I think something gay. I think we're Hudson. The cast of boots was there. Um, I watched that. Boots was there. Uh, who else was a lot of people were there. I grew up. I went by like a blur, but they put me next to the stage. With a little glass of wine. Um, so I just had to sit backstage and wait and wait to go on and talk. And there was one part where I guess I was spacing out and somebody walked off stage and I have this thing where when I make a mistake on stage, I tell the audience, I don't know what that is. It's a bad, bad instance, but I ran out on stage after some dinner and I go, I'm here. I'm here. Sorry. I was drinking. That's not what it was. That wasn't comedy. That was me just being like, I was over there drinking. That's funny. That's funny. But you should just pay attention. Yeah. I mean, I was back there with wine. Like, yeah. Yeah. Somebody gonna host like that's fierce though. Um, it was really easy and then I just went home, but, um, I got to see Paul and I fucking, I, I said, you know, Katya, we talked about you, we have hacks and it's exciting. They should do it. Um, you've seen, you've seen, you've seen house that, that weird medical show. Yeah. They're going to do it. Not weirder than every medical show. Oh, I know, but they should do it across over boots, the house down. You know what I mean? Where they all become medical students, all the army of the Marine guys. And then it's gay. How do you think the actors on those shows memorize medical jargon? Oh, baby, because I, I've been watching industry. You went and talk about financial jargon, baby shorts. I don't even read derivatives. Wearing shorts. No, like we're going to, we're going to short the fund, the hedge. I mean, I have 60% of the dialogue. I have, I couldn't tell you what the fuck it was. And I don't want to learn because I hate finance. The show is so riveting. I had to turn it off. It got really dark and depressing. It's a lot of sex, a lot of violence, a lot of really grim people doing despicable things. It's excellent. Kid Harrington is country in it. And so is everybody else. But it's like, girl, I don't know what the finance, trading, all that bullshit. None of it, but it still rivets me. Is that it? Can you be, can you be? I don't know these words. No, I mean, is it weird to say it rivets me? No, I think it's good. It's riveting. I was riveted by it. It rivets me. I think that is wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got riveted. Yeah. A frog rivets and I get riveted. I'd love to get a rivet me, you know, both like, sorry. But yeah, no, I don't know the jargon. And do you think it's satisfying for actors? I do think house is funny because it's always like, but menstrual cramps. It's always like, I know you think that you need your prescription change in your glasses, but you're pregnant with triplets or like the leap is only in your vagina. That is like you are or it grazes anatomy. That's funny. Your daughter said she's a virgin. It's always like your nine year old doesn't have brain cancer. She's pregnant. It's crazy. But on the pit, it's like we need C.C. We need three C.C.s of thoracine blue blue blue blue code blue. It's like, did you see on Saturday at live? Did you see it's like the pit, but it's like, like make America healthy again, addition. And it's like we need beef tallow and bra milk or whatever. They're like prescribed milk. Wait, speak of a maha and I know we can't touch or talk on this on the pod, perhaps, but I watched the Jillian. Ah, what do you mean? We can't talk about it. It's all I've thought about. Why didn't you start with this? Well, because I'm edging you for the next episode when I put my other t-shirt on and I cannot tell you how badly we need to talk. The way I had to take a break because Andrew and I watched it at this, watched it at the studio at 45 minutes in. I said, we need to pause this. Why can't we talk about it? We're going to next episode. Honey. So why bring it up now? For cliffhanger. Oh, okay. They're never going to tune in. You're going to get all horny. I watch a lot of Jubilee content. I think that I thought the Queens Jubilee was just about her body being brought around the world. They do a really good job. It's obviously very engaging. It's fun to watch people be passionate and fight. I've been, I watch a lot of Jubilee. Never heard of it. And some people call it rage baiting where you're baiting the audience to just be enraged watching people's, you know. I was the biggest trout in the lake. But it's right up with like, okay, we'll talk about it next week. I don't mind what I do. Watching Dr. Mike be surrounded by anti-vaxxers. Like, I like to watch the audacity of people with no medical background. And sit down with doctors and be like, well, actually, we'll get to it when we get to the next episode. It was exasperating. I had to constantly check my blood pressure. I had to take my Lassartin twice. I had to do the... You know what I mean? I had to do yoga breaths, you know. Cooling breaths. We got to turn the AC on. I had to take a walk around the block and get some tacos. I needed a break. Yeah. I had a joy. What's your joy? Well, got to go to Dollywood. Right. I've been on my theme park kick. Dollywood two weekends ago. Thanks for the invite, by the way. Going to Disneyland this weekend. You like Disney. Oh, yeah. I splurged on the VIP tour guide to do the whole park in a day. You do underground. The underground pizza shop. Oh, yeah. You walk in the exit. They say, which cart do you want? How many rides do you want to ride it? Do you see the secret, you know, what's on there? I met Mickey. He's not what you think. Huge, huge bloated Italian guy. I walk in. He has a pile. He has an Easter basket full of fingers. He's cut off that day. That he wears as a penis packer. And he was making friendship bracelets. He said, are you Tracy? Come sit down. And I sat down. It was me. You know who else it was? It was Timothy Chalamet. Mickey loves opera. Of course. So Timothy Chalamet, all the toes have been removed. Yeah. And yeah, made him dance. Yep. Oh my God. Did you see, you know, Caitlin Riley. Yeah. Who I love, the comedian. She did a skit on her Tik Tok that was talking about like ballet and opera sitting down with Timothy Chalamet. And it was like the next time you say anything about us, we're cutting off your fingers. Oh, baby. The dude three trailer got me so hard. What's dude? Dune. Are you turned on? Dude three. Dude three. No. Are you turned on, turned up and turned out? What is it? There's a, there's a, there's a, get out. That's you watching the dude trailer. I thought I'd fall through a ceiling into a split somehow. Mary, the way that trailer has me bricked and just gooned and I watched it 16 to 17 times because you know, I'm about to, I'm going to see that thing in 60. Cause the 5D is when they shake the chairs. The 60 is when I squirt through the screen. Girl. I went to see a movie recently. I sat in one of those D box chairs. Do you know about this? D box. D box. It's the ones where they go like that and they poke you. I hate that shit. I went with my boyfriend. He said, if we're paying for this, we got to turn them up all the way. I said, okay. They fuck you. The way I got sore and nauseous. Oh yeah. It's awful. Like in the movie, in the movie, if they're driving down a smooth road. Yeah. No, no, Mary God forbid somebody spits in somebody's mouth. Oh, in this, in the scene, if there's sex, you get fingered. In the movie, if there's like a fingering scene, you feel a robot hand just reach up. Hate it. And then just really just get your clipped and crunched up. They don't make sense. Like in the scene, it's like fast and furious. They're driving a car. Who's tweaking my nipples? What sense does that make? Why are they wired? Oh, because he's hot wiring a car. Everything sexual. I'm going to have a D box chair that everything's sexual. I think it's just called a fuck machine. You're watching the notebook. If they kiss. Yes. You're got your legs up like it's hydraulic buck machines. And you're watching the country bears. Kirby too fully loaded. Yes. No, but when they got stabbed in June, you felt a jab. I was like, I'm not here for that. No violence. I had to turn it down. It was taking me out. I went to, okay. I went to Dollywood, went with a big group, much of my friends from Milwaukee, much of my friends from Kentucky. We all went and got a pigeon forage. I actually built Dollywood in her hometown in rural Tennessee. So this is this entire community. Yeah. That's all about this theme park that she dropped there so that she could stimulate the economy in her, you know, cause Dolly's endlessly generous, of course. Incredible. It was amazing. It was the I will always love you music festival season. So all of the decorations were pink. It was amazing. I was freaking out, wrote all the rides. The rides are death defying. They're serious rollercoasters. I'm so kind of, I want to go so bad. Then I went to this show that was like this life story of Dolly show, which you would have hated. It's like musical theater with singing, but it's a story of Dolly. It was so interesting. And they do it with like eight different dollies. So as they go through the phases of her career, it's like a transition happens. A scrim goes by, there's a new Dolly in a new outfit comes out singing a new song. And you're like, ah, that's so fierce. That was really fierce. And then there's a few things I want to go to one of them. I didn't go to it's Kentucky kingdom. It is a religious theme theme park, but I'm not going to give religious people money. The other thing I want to go to is the creation is a museum where you can see like Adam and Eve writing raptors, but I don't want to give them money, but it's like Adam and Eve naked writing raptors and then Satan sending the meteor. Yes. But what I did go to, it's crazy. I read in pigeon forage, they're, you know, I'm getting my parrot and I read there's a place called parrot mountain, which is an outdoor parrot sanctuary. And I went, obviously I'm going. Yeah. So I went and they have all these rare parrot species, rare species. If you will. And I get in there, I pay my money. I go in, I, they got lorikeets. They got cockatiels. They got cockatoos. They got macaws. They got African graze. They got anything which you would ever want. And all these parents are free roaming, shiny, happy, happy and healthy. And I have a million questions. They go, where are the president predators? How are the wild hawks not killing these birds? And they said, there's too many birds here. They're making too much noise. Safety and other birds like we're not coming over here. Safety and they said they, um, it was so interesting, um, pulled in all these birds. Got to hold a black cockatoo, which is super rare. It was so exciting. I don't have a further story other than I got to go up to all these, whatever species of bird you want to see and only can you see them. You can walk up and hold them and feed them. Would you say you're a bird fan? Am I a bird fan? I've kissed a cockatoo. Horrible brunch joke. Horrible brunch joke. I've kissed a cockatoo. Like if you're wearing feathers, I'd say like a feather boa. Like, oh, you a bird fan? Kissed a cockatoo. Horrible. Horrible. It's not so bad. It's not as bad as it gets. That's true. Costs a lot of money to look this cheap. Yeah. The more you drink, the prettier we get. Wait, there's a music skips. We're having testicular difficulties. Oh God. Flashback. Core memory, core memory. I, uh, there was a funny clip on, um, on Instagram that, uh, uh, of Dolly. She, God, she's so hysterical. And she was doing like a question from an audience and they were like, how do you do it? Like you do so much. How do you do it? She's like, honey, I do drugs. She's too good. We're at the point now where every six months now she's giving like a, I'm not dead yet. Yeah. Like message. Yeah. The weekend, I was there the day after Dolly would open. So the day before she was there doing her parade, she was the comes to the parade and the day after she'd given like a, she gave like a, what do you call it? Like she goes on stage and talks and she's like, my health, I'm older. An update. Yeah. I take new medicines, et cetera. But you guys always think I'm dying. I'm okay. I'm here. I'm in a wig. I'm here, but people are always like, Oh God, there's a Dolly health update. Oh my God. And the news articles always like new update on Dolly's health. And it's like, she says she's doing good. This is so fucked. I'm like, can we just assume she's good? Yes. I mean, until we're not sure. Healthy and too proven otherwise. Yes. That woman is, you know, I'm not to be corny, but literally there are some people, very few of them that I know of, and she is one of them, Angel. Yeah. On earth. She really eats. She eats. She chomps. She's double angel. She also serves. And she serves food for people. Oh, so I'm staying in Kentucky with my boyfriend, right? And this family. You have a boyfriend? Yes. Staying with him and his family. I go to sleep. They all die. No, no, no. Tornado alley. I've never lived through a tornado. Hello. Hi. Hi. You have you, but you're lying. You've never lied so much in your entire life. Oh right. That one time in Florida. I forgot about that, but I was young. Doesn't matter. You were Bill Paxton. I mean, the tiles were going to be ripped off the roof, but it's not like a tornado came over my building. But that wasn't all the younger. The tiles just got ripped out of the roof. It was at a waffle house. The tiles just got ripped out of the roof. Yeah. So I get woken up. Boyfriend goes, you got to wake up. There's a tornado. Get in the shed. And I just go back to sleep. I just go, and he goes, no, you have to wake up. There's a tornado. And I'm like, oh my God. Because I'm thinking like, what for? You just got to. I'm so tired of rather die. Grab the bed post. The bed's going to take you up like Dorothy. Right. Right. It's going to be fierce. I hope you like color. We might lose a cow or my dad, but I'll get revenge. So I go down to the living room and me and we're sitting watching the news and there's the tornado and we're watching it go like over the town basically. And his mom opens the front door and there it looks like a tornado is coming out there. The wind is super blowing. They're just looking. And I guess that's when I realized these people are way more used to close calls with tornadoes than I am. I'm not taking it seriously. And they're almost like watching a parade. They're like, yay. But what's the plan? What's the safety plan? This is my issue. The issue is we get down there and then finally I'm waiting for something to happen. Like 15 minutes go by and they go, the good news is when there's close like this, they come and go quickly. You can go back to bed. You're fine. It de-escalated from a watch to a warning or whatever. And then I go, so the plan was to wake up and die in the living room. You don't run out to the shed to the basement shed or whatever. Like Helen Hunt. The plan is to sit as a family and die watching the news. Praying together. Praying. I just was like, that's crazy. But there was no basement. So I guess what do you do? You don't get in the car and drive. No, you get under the dining room table. You start jacking it. Well, what did they do in tornado? They put the belter on their hand and then hold onto the pipe. Remember? Yes. But most importantly, her mom says, you know, she always loved weather. Who loves weather? It's like that's the line. The twisters part two, twister with glim, Powell and what's her face, more, more, tear knee or whatever the fuck of her daughter, you know, she always loved weather. Sure. She always loved weather. She always loved weather. In fact, it's the only word she could learn to say. Like what? Weather. Weather. Before we go, I want to say we added a show in Boston at the Wayne Theater. We totally did. It's not technically the way we used to. It's the formerly way. Oh, okay. The theater formerly known as Wang. Okay. I think it's the probably the Ernie Bach Junior Auto Mile spectacular civic center or something. I checked the numbers this morning. The first night is at 97 percent. So it's basically sold out. But the second night we added, we still do have some tickets left, but it's on track to sell out. So I just want to tell you guys. Yes. And please, we need to sell out because not only is our dignity at stake, if I have, if I have one more humiliation, it's curtains. Right. I also think you cried when we sold out Wang last time. If we have two nights sold out, what will you do? Probably throw up. Finally. Your family going to come? God, no, they hate me. No, no, no. They're, I mean, maybe they don't live close to Boston anymore. Oh, okay. Plus they got tornadoes to watch. Right. Okay. Bye. Goodbye.