S4 Ep. 1 - Grandfather Paradox

Prime Video offers the best in entertainment. The end of the world continues with Fallout 2. A global phenomenon, inbegred by Prime. I heard you about what to do in this situation. Look at the epic end of the unwritten story of The Witches of Oz. Buy or buy? Wicked for good now. I'm taking you to see The Wizard. There's no going back. So what you also look, Prime Video. Here you look at everything. Prime is advised, especially to buy or buy. Inhoud can be advertised 18+. All the rules are used to be used. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies Season 4! Not a BDSM podcast still. Now an AARP podcast. Yes! Anthony Birch returns once again to the DM chair. It's not too late to call this off. It just occurred to me. No, no, no. If there was a time to stop doing it, we could stop right now. No. Zero body count. It's grandpas and galaxies this season. It is. It's a grand space papara. Four gilfs who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids and perhaps the entire known universe in the process. We're back to dads again, and I will kink things off. No, it's different. You will kink things off? This is so distinct from the first season. Yes, Beth, I will kink things off. I play Now Anthony I put on the character sheet a name But in fact I was hiding my nefarious intentions I play Ashley Birch Really? My god You're not Sidney Sweeney? Ashley with an E and Birch like the tree I gotta control F some shit I guess Go ahead and fix up your notes I play Ashley Birch this season Sidney changes to Ashley Jesus Christ almighty Born in 64 Ashley Birch is The youngest boomer Wow Wait, January 1st, 2000 Midnight 1 December 31st 1964 The fucking puns you had for your like Familial characters don't make sense now What, he's just Tim Birch Todd Birch Todd Sweeney was something What are you doing? Names don't have to be puns They're just his kids' names He went through all this effort to make three decent jokes and then decided it was worth it just to mention. Just to throw you off the scent, Anthony. Just to invoke my sister. How weird. It's called a cover story, Anthony. I've been reading the spy novels of John LeCard. Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Birch. Ashley Birch, as the youngest boomer, was a fool. This sucks. Knowing I'm going to hear that sentence for maybe the next two to three years of my life, fucking blows. Anthony, the goal is, Freddie and I did a little collab on this a little while ago. The goal is... Oh, I can smell it. This didn't just have Freddie's fingerprints on it. Do you know how long enough after season two, you'd hear the name Taylor Swift and you'd think of Freddie before actual Taylor Swift? The goal is, can we get Anthony to hear his sister's name and think of Freddie first? That's the goal. Wow. Freud would have a field day. Freud would have a field day, but Freud wasn't around when Ashley Birch was a coin-slinging arcade pro, former pro. Did you ask Ash? Yes. Okay. I had clearance. And she said no. And she said, please don't. And I said, First Amendment. I can do what I want. He sent her a list of 100 other Ashley Birches. I'm just referencing these Ashley Birches. You can't stop me. And my Jerry Factrix. We're doing our dad facts. We're calling them Jerry Factrix. That was bad. That was a bad smash. Jerry Factrix. Ashley Birch was a coin slinging arcade pro back in the Twin Galaxies era. was a master of and still holds the high score records on the arcade version of the game, the Fermi Paradox, which we'll learn a little bit more about this episode. Hey, everybody. I'm Matthew Arna, and I play Dale Elliott. I was going to give anything in the world for you to say Anthony Burst. I'm playing Anthony Burst. Nah. A wave-riding ex-lifeguard grandpa who hopes you're just doing fine. And a little grandpa fact about Dale is he has traveled around the world seven times on all seven cruise liners. Wow. Cruise daddy. World cruises. Can't get any better. That can mean multiple things. And they mean lots of different things. And Dale's done it all. He has a shirt that says cruise daddy. And it doesn't mean what he thinks it means. He's got more than one of those shirts. Oh, all right. Wow. I'm sensing like a real. Matt's got a twinkle in his eye. I'm sensing a good time. Get ready for some high caliber queer baiting this season, my friend. You know what? Dale's just having a good time. You're reading too much into Dale. Hey, if that's what you want, if that's what you're thinking, Dale's fine with that. Hi, everybody. I'm Will Campos, and this season I play Ralph Estereus, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died. Whoa, whoa, whoa. One more time? That's great. Ralph Estereus, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died. We'll find out all about Ralph as we get into the action here, but my Jerry fact trick grandpa fact for Ralph for episode one is that Ralph fell asleep watching The Rifleman last night and forgot to take his dentures out. Let's just say they're feeling a little loose. He's got loose dentures at the top of this thing, so we'll see what happens. Hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Herb the Worm Quigley, a young-at-heart barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. Some quality fucking character intros, I must say. My Jerry Factrick? Herb has been fired from over 246 jobs, but hired for even more than that. And he was alive for the Apollo 11 moon landing. I'm Anthony Birch. No relation. And I am your granddaddy master this season. I, instead of doing facts, am going to do... Do you guys know what an epigraph is? I don't. And I'm not embarrassed to say. Yeah, I don't know it either. I know. What is it? Why don't you tell the class, William? It's a, well, the thing you need to know about epigraphs. He's Googling it. Okay, so an epigraph is a thing at the beginning. When a book or a movie starts, Short-court phase one plays at the beginning of a book chapter, sections at the tone, introduce, provide context, and what's it come? At the beginning of Kill Bill, when it's like, revenge is a dish, best serve cold. Klingon proverb. That's an epigraph. Okay. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to do an epic grand graph on every episode. And this time, the epic grand graph is, points if anybody can guess the person who did this quote before I reveal it. But where is everybody? Anybody know? Is that from the Twilight Zone, the first episode? What is it? That is from Enrico Fermi. But where is everybody is the core question behind the Fermi paradox. The Fermi paradox, which is a real life thing you can Google, goes like this. A, there are billions of stars like our sun in Milky Way. B, even if the chances of an Earth-like planet developing around such a star are incredibly low, there would still probabilistically be thousands and thousands of planets capable of sustaining intelligent life. C. Of all those thousands and thousands of civilizations, at least some would develop interstellar travel. D. It would only take a few million years to cross the Milky Way. E. Many of these life-sustaining suns are billions of years old, which means that these other civilizations have had plenty of time to come visit us and should have done so by now. And premise F is that nobody has shown up. But more importantly, the Fermi Paradox, and now I'm entering the fiction of our world, so don't bother Googling this part. The Fermi Paradox inspired a 1981 arcade space shoot-'em-up of the same name, where players fought in an intergalactic war for supremacy. Though overshadowed by its contemporaries like Galaga and Defender, the Fermi Paradox franchise and its developers, Spark Interactive, have maintained a quiet but consistent presence in the video game zeitgeist. The latest entry in the series, simply titled Fermi Paradox but in all uppercase letters, is in fact so complex that it is to the original arcade game what the iPhone is to a palm-sized rock. Players can take on the role of a soldier, shooting bad guys in typical Call of Duty style, A pilot who can execute dogfights in space. A hacker who can infiltrate and disrupt enemy systems. That sounds boring. And a general who can oversee the other layers of the game, give directions, and invite us. So it's basically everything that Star Citizen wants to be. Yes, it is what Star Citizen pretends to be. So it's four children and one player. There's only one that matters. It sounds more like what Battle Cruiser 3000 AD wanted to be. A Derek Smart reference. The last game you'll ever need. Oh, it's also team-based player versus player, which means that kids and adults can form groups of four and fight against other players. They had a lot of problems with that when they had the open chat. Let me tell ya. And yeah, that's a high-level summary of Spark Interactive's Fermi Paradox series so you can keep up with the kids. If you want to support this channel, please head to patreon.com. And next week, Billie Eilish. The sedan rolls to a stop outside the San Dimas Convention Center. Herb, Herb, your daughter Michaela is looking at you in the rear view. We're here. Where's here? The San Dimas Convention Center? Aw. Says the woman in the tank top sitting at the other end of the car. I thought we were going to the L.A. Convention Center. Why did I think that? I do not know why you thought that, Michaela says. The young boy in the middle seat says, Tammy, can you get out on your side so I can get the door for Grandpa? Oh, I got the door, kiddo. Nevertheless, your grandson runs out and gestures towards it, but realizes, oh, okay, you left anyway. Other door, man. I was being kind of spry. I went to the other door. Oh, wow. Okay, well done. Well done, Grandpa. Walk over here. Well, yeah, I guess I have to now. Whoops, too slow. Wow, here's Fry One. Just in front of the convention center entrance, there's a table with a sign reading, team check in here. I'll be back at four, Ollie, Michaela says. Love you. Love you. Oliver, which is a name sent to us by a listener, because that is something we do here at Dungeons & Daddies HQ. Whatever you mean, Anthony. That name was sent to us by Emily, and Oliver is named after her boyfriend, or at least was her boyfriend in 2021 when she submitted that name. So here's hoping that he's still around. Come on, Oliver, we're rooting for you. Yeah. Unless he was a piece of shit, in which case. In which case, fuck it. You don't need him. You don't need him. Girl, you can do better. And you're not going to want to listen to this show anymore. Yeah. If you're still here, thank you. So the attractive 30-something-year-old woman in the tank top named Cammy says, anyways, you're not supposed to get his door for it. I do that. That's girlfriend work. Come on, Herb. Let's go inside. So what does Herb look like as he is running around this van, presumably trying to trick his grandson, Oliver? Herb has just come from work, actually. And so he's dressed like Santa Claus. He is a Malt Santa currently, but he's a real beanpole of a man, just real skinny. But, you know, he uses pillows to become Santa. It really completes the transformation. And he's got a big gray beard, but he wears a big white beard over that, you know, Santa. So it actually kind of looks a little, well, Cthulhu-ian and, you know, kind of fucked up because he's got two beards coming out of his face. Is he still wearing the Santa Claus beard right now? Yeah. Okay, cool. You never know when dude calls. What's the date right now? It is March 4th. Herb, his girlfriend Cammie, and his grandson Oliver head towards what looks to be a check-in table just outside of the convention center. And on their way there, they see a young girl in an eSports jersey. In fact, it's the same eSports jersey that Oliver is wearing. And she is seemingly talking into her phone, streaming to Instagram Live. What's up, gamers? It's Lila at the Fermi Paradox semifinals. The name Lila was sent to us by Fiona Slash Fitz. Thank you, Fiona Slash Fitz. Mom wouldn't let me go to the semifinals, so I got big granddaddy Dale to spot me a bride. Hit him with some knowledge, Gramps. And she turns the phone over to Dale. Dale, what do you look like? What do you say? The camera pans over and you see an old man, 78 years old, with a body of RFK Jr., but with a face of RFK Sr. That's not what my country can do for me. Wow. Oh, no. Oh, no. He was in a plane crash. Oh, no. He's just a good-looking guy. He's fit. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Tell us what telling it was like when you were young. You know what? When you were young, everything looks good. And if you get old, you can still look good. It's just about perspective, you know? Okay, guys, I'm going to hit you back up once I'm back inside the convention center. My main man, Ollie, has shown up. The man, the myth, the legend, the ace pilot, Oliver, here to take us to fucking gold, baby. And you can see Oliver winces at the F word. And he says, I don't think gold's in the cards for us today, General. And she says, shut up that pretty face because we've won three V4s before and we can do it again. Who cares if it's the semi? Speaking of which, update on Scotty. He is getting a rain next week and I'm sure he'll get off. She was probably lying. Oliver shakes his head. No, she probably wasn't. An SUV pulls up and a preteen girl, also in an e-sports jersey, leaps out of the backseat, doubles over and begins to dry heat. Aha, honey, it's okay. Do your 10-10s. An adult woman says, exiting the car as well. AHA was sent to us by T, like the drink. Thank you, T, like the drink, for sending the name AHA. It's A-J-A. Also, it's just a game, sweetheart, says the man who gets out of the shotgun seat. The woman catches her husband's eye and nods toward the car. Help, Dad? Chuck, maybe? Chuck opens the door, revealing Ralph. What does Ralph look like, and what does he do when he sees that his grandkid is about to stress vomit? Before you, you see what can only be described as just a wreck of a man. We're talking sweatpants, an old ratty like UC San Diego shirts. The beard is wild and unkempt. The hair on top is thinning and yet flowing at the same time. There's a nose hair situation going on. The skin is blotchy. The frame is heavy. His arms are sweaty. His arms are sweaty. There may be a bit of spaghetti in his beard. He sort of hoists himself out and says, thank you kindly, Chuck. That'll do. Here's a 20 for you. Just kidding. Oh, dear, Asia, what's going on? It's aha, Grandpa. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of that old Steely Dan album. No, I'm just, the semis are starting, and I don't know if I can do this. You got the nerves again, huh, kid? I got the lips. Well, normally I'd take a knee and get down next to you, but these guys don't, we shouldn't do that. Listen, your sweet grandmother, God rest her soul, she would know just what to say to you right now no i wish she was here because you'd be feeling much better but all i can say is uh you know it's it's just a game honey thanks grandpa that's i feel so much better maybe get some food down there to you know just don't dry heave get some stuff coming in so come back out that doesn't sound like a plan a plan uh-huh uh who's also wearing the same jersey as the other two kids as she approaches these kids lila slaps her on the back and says oh shit oh shit oh shit it's aha our soldier who puts the sd in ptsd and she says i don't sd and uh lila says tell it to the dick sucking judge all right let's win this shit as you is that my granddaughter saying all those things yeah okay as you three queue in line with your families three men of three different generations walk past you dad the middle-aged one says i'm sure you're still on the schedule it's just a misprint they're sponsoring the event they wouldn't have their star retro version player come to the con and then not give him the stage. Yeah, the little one says, I heard they're all getting to show they hate the original game every year or they lose the trademark in December and they haven't done it yet. So they'll probably still do it. You know, they'll have you do a record breaking attempt for sure. Gramps, no worries. What is the man that they're talking to look like? And what is his name? I know his fucking name is now. You see before you Ashley Birch, Ashley with a knee and Birch like the tree. I just had a physical reaction to that voice and he is 4'11 I like it went great pretty young carrying an Emmy in one hand he's got a long flowing mane of like engineer hair you know what I'm saying what? when you look at like IT guys the guys in the background of Apollo 13 like not Ed Harris the guys in the background they're not doing the close ups on He is wearing a very bright colored button up shirt with like little emojis on it all over. Like it's the pattern and tight khaki pants and sick, cool sneakers. He's a man dressed a little too young for his age. And he goes, oh, I'm going to get a kill screen for sure today. I just these kids, they don't know what it's like. They don't know what it's like. anymore in front of the spotlight. You know, when we did the tournaments, they didn't list anything. They just wrote all the schedule up on a piece of paper and posted anywhere, so I'm used to it. And I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what, kiddo. Wait, sorry, is the kid playing the tournament? No, I'm just here to watch the, oh, it's them, it's the Doxers. The kid runs off. Your son yells, Tim, don't run off. Oh, God, let the kid go. You know, he's excited. The video games, I remember the first time I was playing an arcade. I was just, uh... Let's get you inside, Dad. Oh, yeah, yeah, better get stretching. Get warmed up. I've got to see where they got me set up here. Yep, yep, yep. Cool. Tim Birch, your grandchild, runs toward the check-in line, practically bouncing with excitement. Oh, Tim Sweeney, that would have been funny. Yeah, it would have been. The other three- Wait, Tim Birch? That's funny too, though. That's fucking good. That's good. Tim Birch does not have one of these jerseys on, but he sees the other three who are wearing jerseys and run towards them, and he's bouncing up and down, and your grandkids sort of turn toward him, surprised but not pleasantly surprised. And he says, I know you guys are going to go all the way this year, and I watch your streams every day. I watch the replays because sometimes you do the concurrently, and I want to get each person's individual take on each match, except obviously for Scotties because, you know, the crime that he did. But I do know you guys are down a hacker. And I was wondering if you needed a replacement, and I'm a hacker, mate. So Lila says, Dox or Huddle, Dox or Huddle. And the other three kids get into a huddle, and they start murmuring. Ah, they're excluding my child. They're excluding him. That's a tactic. After a little bit of murmuring, they turn back to Tim, and Lila says, we say yes, but only because Hacker is the least important position and the hardest to fuck up, so don't get too comfortable and do not fall in love with me. Tim goes, I would... Where's the restroom? Lily Bean, where's the restroom? It's at the corner you turn left. It's the same place it was the last two times you went. Tim, where's the old latrine? Again, the same place as the last time you went. You go out, you turn left. Hey, Oliver, where's the pisser, man? Oh, honey, I'll walk you there, says Cammie. Ralph's already in there. I'll just follow you. Shit! Sir, you look like you know where you're going. I'm just going to follow you. Is that all right? Absolutely. You can follow me to the ends of the earth, brother. Oh, have you been to the ends of the earth? Actually, yeah. This one time, I was working in Montana in the Badlands. Oh, Montana feels like that. And we were digging up some dinosaur bones with a toothbrush, and you were just Can you show me where in Montana and I turn around and my shirt it's a globe map and it says you are here and it points to where we currently are Yeah Wait, what? You have a globe shirt map Yeah That says you are here and it's Andy So does he have a bunch of those for when he goes to different places? No, because the little arrow is movable It's like a little badge Okay, but Every morning he puts it on the shirt where he is Well, he's not moving that off the way he does move it off Look, if you want all the details of the shirt, I'll give it to you. It says merch.dungeonsandaddy. It says I've been to all these places, and you can see little dots all around the globe. And then on the bottom, it says, right now I'm here. And there's a little arrow to where I curl the up. And you see a lot of dots on there. Well, sir, what's your name? I'm just showing off my shirt. What's your name? Oh, my name is Dale Elliott. You can call me DL, down low, day, whatever you want to call me. As long as you call me friend. Of course, buddy. I like you. I like you. Yeah. So I'm pointing at this spot on your back right now, right? I feel it. I guarantee you haven't been there. I guarantee you. You know what? You never go there. Is it just above that other spot there? It is. Then I haven't been there. I've only been where the spots are. So anyway, you know, we're digging. You got him good, honey. And we're in this helicopter. We're peeing now, by the way. Oh, we're just diving. Yeah. No, no. Make way, fellas. Watch your shoe there, Dale. Watch your shoe. I'm sorry. I think that's yours. Oh, she's shaking. nobody guessed hands like Matt Arnold so anyway this guy and at the time he seemed super old he seemed much older than you and I and he says hey I've got this island can you come out to this island what island? I've probably been there from outside you hear Cammy going please don't talk about that island anymore this was before Cammy's time so I don't know if you met stop telling people where we met My girlfriend, Cammie, she's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. She looks beautiful. She's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. But this was before Cammie. This was, what was her name? What was her name? What was her name? What was her name? I think it was Sarah, something like that. I've known some good Sarahs. Was she a good Sarah? She was the best Sarah of that year. I'm noticing a problem with the grandparents format of this television show. What is it? The rest of the episode, dude. You guys could talk about literally nothing. You're trying to waver must at any moment. I know, I know. I got you. Hold on, hold on. You go. No, don't worry. Don't worry, I think. We're here. We're just letting the scenes simmer. I will say that. I was beginning to realize the problem with this. Best character is she likes to tell endless stories. And Dale's character, if he says, he tries to, he just wants to. He says, he will not stop you from talking. Don't get these two in a room together. Well, I've established that the NBC, who's a girl, is outside the restroom. So it is on YouTube to get us out of this. So at some point, I was like, I don't even think there are any dinosaurs on this tour, right? Because we go past. Are there still? No, we go past. What's science these days? You never know. No, no, no, no, no. I want to see how we do this goes, Anthony. And, oh, yikes, yikes, yikes. What happened? Did you pee on yourself again? It started to rain, honey. You know how that happens. Oh, do you want me to come in and clean you up? Hey, you don't need to talk about that. Suddenly you hear violent coughing from a stall behind you. Looks like we lost another one. I'm not going to do the whole thing, but it's bad. And then you hear a flush and shuffling and pants getting hiked up. And Ralph staggers, half stumbles out and wipes his mouth. You see a little bit of blood on his mouth as he wipes his mouth. He says, as the Pope said to the anti-Pope, do not go in there. And he goes over and washes his hands. How are you fellows doing? You here for the Nintendo? Yeah. Well, what's your name, sir? Oh, well, Ralph. Ralph Festeras? Who are you? Dale Elliott. I like the cut of your chip, Dale. Oh, thanks. You too. You look cool, man. You're too kind. You're with your kids? Grandkids? Great-grandkids? I got kids. I got grandkids. Hold on. Let me get out my wallet, and you can see them right here. This is a show. I love a good wallet. She's a, um, now, Asia is a transgender. Oh, okay. But here they are. Straight ace. Hold on. Straight ace. I try to talk to my kids You know, so people are always saying But I'm saying, look at the greats That's more than I can say for my grandson Well, there you go But they're two beautiful kids How about you two? My name's Herb Put her there Hey, how you doing? I've not washed my hands yet I saw you wash them No soap yet, but there's water on there Okay, well, more for me Me and my beautiful wife gave this earth four kids Four kids I think I have a lot of kids. I actually only found out about my daughter, Michaela, about 20 years ago, so I wasn't around. Your father then, I see. But I got the snip at 25, so something must have happened. Something bad. The door busts open and Ashley Birch saunters in. Whoa, make way, gents. Oh, so smells like napalm here. Someone dropping bombs. Oh, make way, fellas. Hey, I recognize this guy. Oh yeah, I get it all the time He's the game of guys Hey Ash, what you playing? Anthony has smacked his sparkling water Across the room I'll tell you what Hey Hey fellas, fellas, fellas If any of you guys are You know, you got a second And I, yeah, nice to meet a fellow man. I've been able to pee this whole time. We're all standing there with our dicks out, but nothing is coming out. A little performance anxiety, you know, ah, but I can't have that on the stage. Let me tell you, Hey fellas, I'm going to be playing the arcade. Going to be playing the arcade version. Uh, they got me upset. I don't know where they got me set up, but, uh, they got me set up somewhere. It's gonna be real great. I'm going for the kill screen. Going for the kill. I hope you get it. Whatever, whatever that is. I hope you get it, man. Oh yeah. What are you folks doing here? Nothing, really. I had a plan, but it didn't pan out. So I think I'm just going to try again later. What kind of plan did you have, Dale? I mean, you know, I had to go pee, but at R.A. sometimes it don happen Well it will I hate the truth It won And you know what It happens when you don want it i know yeah damn it funny uh i thought i had one in the chamber but uh standing here seems like it taking a little bit of time a doctor told me to stop drinking so much water right before bed oh yeah well it's funny because i i say but now i got dry mouth and i still pee at night I say that I'm getting older but the men on the Depends boxes are getting younger What's that about? Their models or something? Something's happening these days Gentlemen, I really should be going But as the good book says Let justice roll down like waters and righteous like an ever-flowing stream I hope that gets you going Take a look at the schedule Lovely to meet you, Santa Claus, always a pleasure Hey, make sure you take a look at the schedule Oh, yeah, let me pull up my bike. You're the one of the games. What was your name again? I'm Ashley Burch. That's Ashley with the knee and Burch like the tree. A quick, P, do me a quick favor. You are within throwing range. Just one thing. Just know whatever you do, I have a phone that I can throw at your hand real hard. I would never go so low as to make a joke about your sister's name. That's on Freddy. I was playing a character moment, Anthony. Okay. And then I continue. Please do. I wish I had a really good joke. But I don't. That would have been a moment. But I don't. can you just tell me one thing about this guy I try to tell her I'm interested but the internet I type in Fermi Paradox I get I'm never good at science I get science stuff I just want to connect with her I just don't understand just give me something I can say ah well here's what you do here's what you do well first of all you know Star Citizen no I stream Star Citizen and I pull out a little that sounds cool though I pull out a business card while I'm still standing in front of the urinal dick out that has my name on it, and it's a Star Citizen streamer. It's my Twitch URL and everything. It's like, I stream. I stream every day. Do you have as tough a time streaming that as you have streaming downstairs? I like the code of disguise, Jim. Hey. We're all playing a... This was bad idea for a season. This premise is bad. Nah, this is the happiest I've ever been. I fucked up. I get a fan. Anyway. Okay, so who exits... Wait, wait. I'm telling you about my Twitch stream and my Twitch URL. I want to know about your game. This is really like talking to a grandparent. So here's what you're going to do. You're going to go to HTTPS. They added that. They added that sometime. I don't know what it's for. Is that around here somewhere? It's a website. It's a website. Where is it on your jacket? It's HTTPS. Okay. Website. Colon. Yeah. Got to check on that. don't we all I wish I were dead so do I sometimes there's that dynamic twitch.tv even though it ain't okay I got one of those that's good I can get there twitch.tv I hope we never leave this bathroom I hope Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, you can come in with, you can come in with farty pissy NPCs anytime you want. You might need us to get abducted. We might not leave here, Anthony. Just cut away, cut away, do us a favor. Hey, uh, Dad. Ashley, this is your son, Todd, speaking right now. It sounds like they're about to, they're about to start. Oh, I can't miss it. Yeah. You guys might want to, yeah. We're all going to take our seats in the, it's in lounge F. We're just going to be waiting in there. It's a conference room. What time? What time? Now, I think. They actually want to do it now. No pee-pee for me, but I won't tell if you don't tell. I won't tell. Well, and I zip back up. No fluids transferred. And then we cut to you guys. You are in a convention hall. You are sitting in a crowd. Oh, I got to use a can. Excuse me. Ain't you, buddy? Excuse me. Oh, hey. I saw you in the, yeah. Hey. Oh, it's starting. We should wait. It's starting. It's starting. I'll see if I can hold it. Let me just get back to my seat here. Wide load coming through. Ralph, as you're scooting back to your seat, your daughter, Martha, sort of pokes you on the shoulder and says, hey, I'm not trying to sway your opinion or anything, but if you don't take the room, Charlie's going to turn it into a man cave. He's thinking about buying a pinball table, so you would be doing me a favor if you did move in. It's just something to consider. Just, you know, me, I'm comfortable. You look comfortable. I like my ways. You know, you don't want an old fart kicking around, sneaking up the place. You know, I have an old fart than a loud pinball machine. But it's your decision. Of course, I can't make your decision for you. Have you heard Attack from Mars? I just, you know, it's it's home. You know, I haven't finished the last book yet. And it feels wrong to write it anywhere else. But I know what I was doing reading on grieving. And it's sometimes can be good if you live somewhere with somebody and they pass that moving location. You're happy to move back home. We got your room just like we had it set up with the ponies. The opposite of what I want is for is to go back. Okay, well, I just, let me think about it, sweetie. Let me think about it. Herb, your girlfriend, Cammie, pulls on your shirt a little bit and says, Hey. Not now, honey. Did you take your pills for the, you know, B-I-P-O-L-A-R? Oh, yeah, the pills. I took them, you know, I took them. Honey? All right, give them to me right now. Give them to me right now. I'll take them. Ah, ah. She roots around in her purse, takes out a little bottle of pills. You see my daughter Mikayla doing this to Oliver? You see that going on? Because Oliver, you never complain about Oliver taking it. Well, because he does. Okay, point taken. Give me ah, ah. All right, here comes the plane. Dale, you are alone. Yeah. Yeah. That was okay. Hey, what's your name? I'm Dale. Whoever's next to me, I just look at them. Hey, Dale, that's my girlfriend. Thank you. Oh, hey. Hi, everybody. See you there, bud. Hey, girlfriend looks young enough to be playing up there. That's cool. Oh, gosh. Stop. Stop. That's cool. This one's going to steal me away from you, huh? No, I couldn't do that. I'm sure you two are as tight as can be. We sure are. You go on cruises much? No. No? That's cool. I've been saying we should go on cruises. My daughter could call me. She doesn't. When somebody calls, it does show up, right? It does? Wait, you got the Jitterbug 3? Is that? No. What's that? I don't know. It's an old people phone. Real blind leading the blind here. Ashley is trying to flag down one of the people working at the convention. One of the enforcers, oh, yeah, we've actually got it set up for you right now. And somebody takes out on a truck, a little dolly truck thing. Am I the opening act here for this thing? Yeah, yeah, actually, you are. We set up the rest of the land stuff. At that moment, your phone rings, Dale. Oh, it does work. Okay. Who's this? What? One sec. Oh, no, I missed it. I'm sorry. I can't answer. Oh, no, there it is. I got it. Hello. Hi. Oh, sorry. Sorry, you're on the phone. I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm not talking. I'm just confused these days. People are just talking out to anybody. I know. You talk to somebody you think you're talking to, but they got the things in their ears. Hello. Dad. Oh, hey, hon. Hey. Hi. Where's Lila? She's with me here. Where's here? At that, the firm video game thing. The thing I told her she couldn't go to? Yeah, I mean, yes. And you were there when I told her that? I was. And then you took her? Well, she asked me. Oh, well, when you put it that way. I know. I'm not trying to tell you how to parent or anything. I just thought, she's young, you know, having a good time. I don't see her all that often. I just want to bring her. Can you bring her back, please? um i probably could but i don't think i will you know what forget it i'm sorry it's just she's right up there she's having a good time you know it's okay to have a good time sometimes huh yeah you always say that uh why don't you stay there i'm gonna get in the car i'm coming over i'll you just relax you just enjoy your retirement oh okay i love you though so i'll be okay i love you yeah i'm sorry i did this i know i shouldn't have i just thought she could have a good time today and i didn't want to stress you out about it so well now i'm a different kind of stress so you are that's on me i'm sorry yeah it's okay you sure you don't want me to bring her back i just feel like it's my mistake i will take the mistake if you come here and stop her from doing this it's gonna become a mistake for you and you two are gonna fight let's just keep this a fight between us okay and then you know again it's your i'm just saying i you know just let her come back you yell at me And then that Oh, did it work? Is it broken? No, that's I broke that Sounds like a tough combo Yeah, you know I try my best, but I'm not always You know, just doing the Dale thing Yeah, you want this pill? I'll never say no to a pill Cammie grabs your nose and pinches it shut And then tries to like Shuff like a dog Swallow? Swallow, big swallow, honey Big swallow. There we go. That wasn't so hard. No, no, not hard at all. Yeah. Unlike, you know, this dick. Yep, yep, yep. He still performs. Maybe a little bit more than I would like him to, but he sure still can. So you guys are sitting in the middle of this hall, and in front of you are just some more kids, some other family members of the other team, seemingly. but directly in front of you is the single most pungent man you've ever been near. Your sense of smell is beginning to go as you get older, but you can still smell this really, really intense odor coming from him. He's wearing a shirt that says Fermi for everybody. And other than the smell, he's actually super handsome. And on the stage, you see a bunch of different computers set up, four on each side. You see a little podium and you see now being wheeled in a big arcade machine that says Fermi Paradox in an 80s ass kind of font. Hey, do they need me up there? I think the MC's going to walk on stage. Okay, I start slicking back my hair and adjusting my shirt and zipping up my pants. So you may have expected your grandkids to be waiting backstage. There is a backstage, but there isn't one. It's kind of a shitty room. So they're just sitting in the stands, the chairs with all of you. The bleachers. Or in the juniper room or whatever. You're just in chairs next to a kind of a stage with a projected screen behind it. One of the volunteers for the convention comes over and basically asks each of your kids, the grandkids parents to sign a release form now martha hold on you're gonna want your lawyer to look at that let me take a look at that let me just uh so aha pulls at your sleeve and goes it's fine you don't have to it's fine oh no it's okay honey you gotta make sure that when you sign something because you know they could be signing up for a cell phone plan or something in here you know those things are hard to cancel so let me just uh i'm just gonna look through this for you okay how are you feeling are you still nervous are you still yeah you're still do you still got that going on huh yeah i mean yeah until we win if we if we win we i mean we probably won't maybe we do when your mother was born martha you don't remember because you were being born at the time now i was i was nervous quite nervous and your grandmother god rest her soul she taught me a sort of breathing exercise you know you breathe in and you breathe out that's that's that's the the whole thing? Yeah, well, you know, that's what I said. I was like, well, come on. I mean, that's what I do every day. I breathe in, and so just try one with me, though, okay? Uh-huh. Try just, you take it in, you go, you breathe in, you go... Sorry, it's a little too, but you get the idea. You feel better, dearie? Yeah, sure. So this looks good. Martha, go ahead, and you can put your John Hancock there. Thanks, Dad. So should I sign? it's okay if I sign this. I'm her grandparent. Are you a legal guardian technically? Oh, legal. Lila? He is my legal guardian. I do not have parents. It's just him. He's a single dad. He works at the strip club every day to make ends meet. You gotta support him in his moment of need. So I brought him here to lift his spirits. He's a stripper with a heart of gold. Sign it, Grandpa. Please. Lila, you lie with a breeziness that is a little concerning. Thank you. Thank you. What's Dale's Senior Citizen Stripper name? Blue Plate Special? That's a good one. I like that. All right. I'll sign. Oh, no. Blue Plate Special. One second. Dale. All right. I know it's a contract. Can I scratch it out? It doesn't really matter. Okay. I'm going to put her parents' name on this, okay? You're telling me that's the guy you're saying? Yeah, look at the guy. I can just pretend you didn't say that, I guess. Do sleight of hand to try to replicate her signature. That's a three. Three? That's fine. Takes it away from you. All right, Lila, you do a great job out there. Oh, I will, baby. While Todd is signing the release and asking about, you know, the timing of when you go on and all that stuff, Tim is just- Hey, I didn't sign a release. Do they need me to sign anything? I don't think so. The enforcer says, I'll check on that. Check in the back. You might need to go to the talent relations. They use the phrase, he doesn't matter. So I'm assuming there's not one for- I could go get one for you if you want one. I just need to make sure that your legal is all buttoned up. Yeah, you know what? I'll go get one. It's always important. After this one gets signed. It's important. Likeness rights. You can barely hear your son Todd saying, he'll forget about it in 30 seconds. Don't worry about it. Damn. I am so excited. I am so pumped. What do you do when you're pumped? When you were about to go on stage, that's incredible. What did you do to hype yourself up? It was very simple. I need you to focus on winning. Visualize winning so that when it happens, it won't be a surprise to you. Oh, that's correct. So then you close your eyes. It's a foregone conclusion. Exactly. I'm standing on stage. I have a trope. They don't do trophies, but I have a... Participation medal. Yeah, a medal. Ah, medals. Like Star Wars. And they're roping it around your neck like you're Chewbacca at the end of Star Wars. Chewbacca is the one person who did not get a medal. But that's okay. Wait, is there a reason for that? Was it just you didn't have the costume that day? Because he's a dog, dude. I like that. I'm visualizing myself. And the crowd cheering for you. The crowd's cheering. All the kids at school are, wow, he's so cool. Yes, the visualization can continue. Imagine now you're walking down the halls of your school. All the girls are being cute. They're hot. I don't know about that. And some of the guys, too. Oh, my God. I mean, maybe. And now your teachers are dapping you up in the hallways. Dapping? Oh, my God. I'm short, so I got to jump to do it properly, but hell yeah. And your bully, the bully that you keep talking about. Yes. Now you're beating him up. Oh, yes. I'm propagating the cycle of violence. Hell yeah. And his eyes, they're feared his eyes as he stopped down on him. And all the teachers... are cheering you. It's really specific. It feels like maybe you've talked this before, but that's great. I'm using this. Take that energy with you into the game, and you will surely win. You got it. I think I did a pretty good job there. So the guy who also got the signature from Dale comes around to you, looks at Cammie, looks at you and goes, either one of you can sign this. Cammie grabs it and goes, I'll do it, and begins to sign it. Well, I think the kid should be able to do it. Hey, Oliver, you've been practicing your autograph because you're getting so famous, man. Oh, that's sweet. You got to practice this stuff because I might need you to co-sign a loan for me pretty soon. Oh, yeah. No, I'm good to not sign it right now because I'm not an adult. It has to be an adult. So it's cool. It sneaks up on you, man. I'm going to tell you that it sneaks up on you. Does it? Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Also, I bought a new weekly pill case for myself. So I got my old one right here. If you wanted to use it, because I know you have some trouble remembering to do every day. There's one for each day for two weeks. That is so kind of you. I mean, you're welcome. But the problem is it's Saturday. And, you know, I just I wouldn't know. You know what? There's two S's on this case. What is it? What's the difference there? Well, the one on the end is Saturday and the one at the beginning is Sunday. Well, yeah. I mean, you know what, kiddo? I will put this in my pocket. I appreciate that. Yep. Thank you. That's great. How are you feeling? Cammy, can you hold this? Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, neat. You can use this. This will be great. Thank you, Ollie. You're welcome, Cammy. So, kiddo, you nervous? What are you feeling? You ready to be, you know, the big star on the stage? Honestly? The big lights and the cursing? Well, first of all, I'm not going to be cursing. It's kind of my brand. That's something I learned recently. It's important to have a brand. No, he wouldn't have learned that recently. He would have known that. Everyone knows that, bro. Every gen alpha brain-rob, Italian brain-rob kid knows. The most important thing around is to have a brand. Look at Jake Paul. Look at Logan Paul. Look at everyone who does anything on Twitch. Brands. Now, the brands may be criminals. The brands may be the worst people on earth, but still a brand, baby. Okay, so instead of saying, I just found this out, He goes, not cursing is part of my brand. I try to be, you know, family friendly and everything. But I'm okay. We're going to lose, and that's fine. It doesn't really bother me. You're going to lose? Yeah, I play this game because I enjoy it. Oliver, what? Lila's the one who's really competitive. I just really like playing. So, like, as long as we're playing, I'm not playing. Well, I like that. I like that you just like playing. But you play to win. You don't say that you're going to fall off the horse before you're even getting on the pony. Come on. That's an interesting use of that metaphor. Well, I mean, it's not a big deal if I fall off the horse. So I don't really, it's just we don't know who this hacker is. We're down a guy. So if we lose, it's no big deal. I just don't want you to be disappointed when we lose because I know you'll be really sad. I can never be disappointed with you. Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you so much. Unless you like, I don't know, if you did a crime or something, but I'd get over it. What's the line of crime we're talking about where you would? All tabbing here, no crime. That was the fourth guy on the team. Shame, really. That's the other guy. A figure in a hazmat suit comes from backstage. The face window is totally opaque on the hazmat suit. It ambles up the stairs to the stage. I mean, you don't know what gender it is. They. No, I thought it was like. See, how are we supposed to keep it straight? It's they. We had our time. You just let them kids do what they want. You know what, Dale? We weren't right all the time either. So the hazmat suit gets up to the stage, taps the mic, and you hear, while our teams get ready, we've got some light entertainment for you. One of the greatest gamers of the retro era. He's hoping to hit a new high score to hit the kill screen on the original Fermi Paradox right before your eyes. Everyone give it up for Ashley Burch. I know him. Hey, yeah, that's the guy from the bathroom. I told you. I told you. I'm waving it around to anyone nearby. I'm like, I stream on Twitch now. I'm a Twitch streamer. Okay, should I make my way? Okay, all right. Yeah, go up, Dad. And I make my way up, and I'm smiling. Do you want help with the stairs? Oh, no, I got it. And I do a little light jog up the stairs. All right, roll. And here we go, baby. Acrobatics with disadvantage, please. Acrobatics with disadvantage. Now, here's the thing. I specced. Sounds like it didn't go well. I specced Gadgeteer, so I have kept myself very limber, so that's a 16 plus 4. With disadvantage, huh? Ah, whoops. You're right. three plus four, seven. You eat shit immediately. And from the audience, you hear something that is unfortunately very familiar to you, which is, oh, that's him. That's where I recognize him from. The rest of the grandparents all around you, you hear people whispering amongst each other. You hear words like face and plant and guy and watch this video. And ahead of you, the pungent handsome man pulls out a model of phone you've never seen before. And after a few taps, you see a video. That's the one. That's the one. Okay, no, I don't have that one. Looks cool, though. You see a video of something oddly familiar, which is a guy with a shitty early 80s haircut standing on a familiar stage with several familiar arcade cabinets spaced oddly far apart behind him. And he says, Tonight we're hosting the first ever That's Incredible Video Game Invitational. In just the last few years, video games have become a sport unto themselves. The person skips ahead in the video, and you see a guy who looks kind of like a younger version of the man who just fell down on stage. Ashley Burch has hit 20,000 on Fermi Paradox, so he's just got to run to the finish line and he'll have the gold. The young Ashley in the video turns, steps forward, steps on his own shoelace, and face plants with a loud thunk. He gets to his feet, but it's a second too late. Another player sprints right past him to the finish line, and the announcer says, And it's Gordon Kwan first across the finish. He is now the new king of video games. And then laughter ripples throughout the crowd as you see more people getting this video up on their phone, and you hear the thunk, thunk, thunk of the face hitting the... I like the idea also that the AV guy has also pulled out this video. Gets on the big screen. What do you do now with everybody in this room? reliving your worst moments. Hey, hey, hey. Someone got a mic. Someone got a mic for me or something. I have no microphone, and I'm shouting as hard as I can. It's like, hey, come on. Hey, let me. You know, it's me, Arcade Faceplant guy. Let me show you what I can do, though. It looks like we're actually ready to start the semifinal matches. Hey, hey, hey, hey, buddy. How do I get, you guys, I need. Your son runs up. This is not free play. I need a quarter. Ah, hold on. I got some quarters here. Your son runs over and sort of picks you up and supports you. His arm is under your armpits. And he goes, we'll do it after. I'm sure they'll have time for you to play after the script. Can I take damage? Yeah, you're going to take a D6 of damage. D6! Hey, man. At that age? I'm at eight out of ten. You don't get hurt anymore. You only get injured. Yeah. Okay, so the hazmat person says, you know what? We're good. Yeah, I think it's time for the kids to take the stage. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, come on. All the grandkids take the stage. Everybody except for Tim Birch is in matching gear. Tim seems to have taken his white t-shirt, turned it inside out, and then wrote in Doxers on it. Oliver! I'm so proud of you, buddy! He smiles, points at you, winks, and does a finger gun at you. Hey, that's my granddaughter up there! You do your best, Lila! Yeah, bitch! I wish she wouldn't say that, but you know, I respect that she wants to. So they sit down, they put on the most elaborate headset mic combos that you've ever seen, and they start playing, at which point they might as well be speaking Swahili while painting abstract art for all the sense that it makes to your elderly eyes. who have no idea what you are watching. At some point, after seemingly 10 minutes, your grandkids fly a big ship towards a big orange-purple star, and then they all start cheering, which seems good. Do they win? I don't know. And it's the Doxers who take game one, says the thing in the hazmat suit. They just need one more match, too. And then he freezes for a second, and he touches his chest, looks to the side, and he nods. Oh, thank God. Sorry. You gotta be careful. I got aspirin if he needs it, but it looks like he's okay. So he reaches into the podium and brings out what looks to be like a metallic baseball. And he says, I do apologize for this part, everyone, but it turns out I'm on a bit of a time rush. And he throws the sphere onto the ground as hard as he possibly can. You hear an explosion as the sphere shatters, but you see nothing. No effect. Everyone roll perception. Oh, okay. My first roll is a 14. 19 perception. Okay. Ralph got a 6 plus 1, 7. I got a nat 20. Oh, shit. Okay, so everybody except for Ralph notices that every single person in the room, with the exception of you four grandparents, the person in the hazmat suit, and the stinky person in front of you are frozen solid, like somebody just hit the pause button on them. Herb, with your natural 20, you also notice the man in the hazmat suit reach into its back pocket and pull out what looks to be a gun. It points it at the handsome man in front of you, fires, and the handsome guy doesn't seem to react as a dart hits him in the arm because the gun was pretty much entirely silent. It was just a pfft. Now that we're in proper things happening and something surprising just happened, everyone roll a d20. Shit. I just got a real one. New mechanic. I got a loud one. Natty 20. 13. I rolled a 12. You rolled a 12. Okay, so nobody got a heart attack and died. How often do we do that? Whenever I do it necessary. Okay, that's fair. Is it a 1 or a 20? It's a one. A one, okay. With a 20, you're... You know what? You get a little bit of a spring in your steps. You'll get an advantage on the next thing you do, but I'm going to give you a disadvantage which will just be a normal roll, so... With a 20, you get a stent place. Yes. So now, you're also going to do something unpleasant, which is you're going to need to pick one of your ability scores, and you're going to reduce it by one. And you're going to pick another ability score, and you're going to reduce that one by two. Okay. Whoa. When you say ability, you mean like strength, dex, ability? Strength, con, dex, whiz. Oh, no! Then, depending on if it makes sense for your character, you can then add a point to either intelligence or wisdom given, you know, the life that you've led. Ralph lost two dexterity and one constitution and is going to gain a wisdom. Herb is also gaining a wisdom after losing one dexterity and two charisma I lost Dale gained one wisdom but he lost two strength and one constitution Ashley loses one charisma two dex but gains just a little bit of intelligence This is to represent the fact that even as your body breaks down as you get older, you are gaining knowledge through experience. Like literal experience, non-experience points. We're probably going to do something not unlike this for future level ups, but nowhere near as violent as this. I was about to say, so like if this season goes on a long time, we could just be floating brains in space. So you've just seen that everybody's frozen. I haven't. I was rooting for my pockets for a piece of candy. Okay. Where is that guy? Where's this Werther's? Where's that Werther's? I hope he finds it. The hazmat puts on a headset just like the one the kids are wearing. The headsets all glow and then suddenly your grandchildren and the hazmat guy are all seemingly pulled through the back wall at incredible speed. creating five human-sized holes in the plaster. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dale starts to roll. Dale runs. I'm already on stage, and I'm clamoring after my kid. Jump in Jehoshaphat. Martha, look. And then I realize my daughter is frozen solid, you said? Yes. What in the blue blazes is going on here? Herb turns to Cammy and is like, is this part of the game? Is this the Cammy? I don't think so, friend. I'm okay. Are you okay? I'm okay. Oh, boy. What was in that bathroom? As you get up to run out for them, you notice that the handsome stinky man in front of you also gets up, makes a noise you've never heard a human being make for, and leaps forward, climbing over the frozen teens and adults in the rows ahead, and then sprints toward the largest hole in the wall. I didn't even see it because I was running. Okay, so give me an acrobatics or an athletics, whichever you want. Oh, no. Not like it used to be. You know what? Before what you just did, I would have made it. But I didn't. So you're going to take a D6 of damage. The plaster trips you up and you fall onto your face. And now you're not the only person. I'm in death savings. Who's eating shit already. No, you're not. I'm very close. I took six damage. I have three out of nine left. Okay, great. Oh, God. I'm still crawling towards the hole, though. Let me help you up. Let me help you up, man. Now, do we get boomer camaraderie? Where when we, as boomers, help each other. That's only if there's someone on a ladder below us and we want to hold a ladder up before they can. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If we help someone while hurting someone else. If you do something to help each other while hurting a younger person, yes. Okay, there's a bonus. There's a boomer bonus called boomer camaraderie. Yes. Boomer bonus is such a better term than boomer camaraderie. You guys are both running up to the holes in the wall? Yeah, I think, did I get up to the stage? But then I ate shit as I climbed. You ate shit as you were going through the plaster in the hole in the wall. So Ralph is just kind of paralyzed with fear. Ralph is just kind of immobile. He's like, Martha, come on, wake up. What's happening here, guys? I'm really far away from you. I'm just like, oh, that guy's panicking. You hear another. Like they're continuing to get pulled through more walls in the convention center towards some other destination. Oh, so they're literally getting like yanked through the walls. Yeah, it's not a teleport. It's like a new ink. Can we hear our kids like screaming or anything like that? Or are they? No, they're frozen just like everybody else. Martha, it's. And I just start running after them as well. You're going to roll athletics or acrobatics as well. Anybody who wants to run after them is going to do that, except for Freddy because he's already up there. I'll roll athletics. I got five. Okay, you eat shit, take a d6 of damage. I got a 23. That's how you feel. I'm like running through walls like the juggernaut in X-Men The Last Stand. Hell yeah. You're the juggernaut. You run past me and I'm on the phone because I got notified because there was a fall. So they got the emergency notified. So I'm like saying, you go get him, Herb. Yeah, there is an emergency. It's not me. I did fall, but my grandkid, my granddaughter, she's got kidnapped or something, and I'm giving the address and all the information. I'm doing likewise by mashing my life alert button. Okay, so at the very least, you guys will spend the next turn getting up, but while you're doing that, you run through a bunch of these holes in the plaster going through wall after wall after wall until- Everyone's frozen, like around us. Everybody around you is frozen. Yeah, as you're running through, you're the only thing that is moving other than the people who are currently being yoinked backwards and the handsome stinky guy. And then eventually you reach the parking lot. You see daylight and you jump out through that hole and you arrive just in time to see your kids in the hazmat thing come to a dead stop in midair. And then you hear a whoop that nearly blows out your eardrums and above you the clear sky fills with the shape of a massive dodecahedron, metallic with blinking lights and shit everywhere. The bottom of the dodecahedron opens, a beam of light descends and the five glowing figures begin to ascend. Oliver, what is that? It's not part of the game, is it? It's not part of the game. You have one turn to do something. I'm going to try to race up and grab Oliver. Give me an acrobatics with disadvantage. I roll a 13. So you manage to jump and grab onto Oliver's foot. It doesn't seem like your weight affects his height at all, but you are now getting lifted into the air with him. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, oh, God. This is like that time that there was a hot air balloon, and that guy held on, and we were, like, below, and the guy fell and died, and then the guy I was with became obsessed with me and was stalking me, and, oh, Oliver, I got to let go, man. I got to let go. You let go before you get high up enough for it to really do much of anything to you. It's like six inches off the ground. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to say you have to roll a D6 damage, but have it. I get two damage. One for each of your kneecaps that pops as you hit the asshole. So by this point, the rest of you have presumably gotten up and followed the holes to the parking lot. I guess we're clambering out of there a little late. Hey, fellas, what's going on here? Everything's frozen inside. What happened, Herb? They're gone. No. Yeah, they just floated up. They floated up and there was this shape in the sky and they float up and I tried to grab him, but I just got scared because I think I was actually thinking of a book. I think I was thinking of a book. There's a guy over there hit by a car. Oh, God. He's in the air. So you feel something shoved past you and it's the stinky handsome guy who had also tripped as he was trying to pursue. And he looks up at the sky. He goes, you said they're gone? Yeah, they just went up in the sky, man. He makes another noise you've never heard a human being make before, and his eyes begin to bulge out of his head. Oh! He looks frustrated. Are you feeling all right? He turns around, looks, sees an old station wagon parked in a handicapped spot. He runs, trips, falls, turns into a squid with legs, gets back up, jams his key into the lock, gets inside, and tries to start the engine. What? Dale, I think I'm seeing things, brother. I'm trying to call back my daughter. Well, yeah, that's right. Human to animal transformation. Man, I shouldn't have taken that pill. We were right. Yeah, you call your daughter. She picks up. She goes, yeah, I'm like five minutes away. What's up? I lost her. What happened? I lost my grandmother. She's gone. What do you mean she's gone? Something happened. What? She got sucked away. She went through walls. Okay. I'm sorry, hon. I'm going to get her. It's okay. I shouldn't have let you. No, okay. I'm going to get here. I'm like five minutes away. Call the police. Yes, I'm going to call 911. Just stay where you are. It'll be fine. No, I'm going to go after her. I'm sorry. Don't go anywhere because then I have to find you too. You don't. It's okay. I love you. I'm so sorry. I'll talk to you soon. Get here as soon as you can, hon. And then I'm going to chase with them. Okay. So you're going to run, what, toward the station wagon? Yeah, whoever. The guy who turned into SpongeBob or whatever. The guy who turned into Squidward. The famous Squidward character from SpongeBob SquarePants, SpongeBob. So the engine sounds flooded, but as he turns the key, the station wagon begins to lift off the ground for a few inches and then bumps back down onto the paper. Lift, thump, lift, thump as he's turning the key. disguised alien hovercrafts. We were right about that, too. Sir! Sir! Hold on! Fucking human combustion engines. Fuck my fucking life. What? What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sir! No, instantly all four of us are just around the front of the car. The hood is already popped. The hood is pretty popped. The problem here. Yeah, this is pretty typical with this year model. What was your first car? My first car. It was a Volkswagen Beetle, and we called it the Love Bug. because every day I bring back, you know, somebody else. Gentlemen, our grandchildren have been abducted by aliens. Aliens. Can we focus, please? The age bomb didn't affect you? Whatever, it doesn't matter. I've got to follow them or the universe is going to end. Move back. I'm in. I open the door and get in. I hop in. Why didn't I lock the door? Shit. So yeah, the door is unlocked. If you hop in, he has stopped. Well, I'll just scoot on over there, kiddo. I'll drive. Well, best to race, space man. Nice to meet you. You're probably wondering why I'm so unfazed by this. Well, as it turns out, I'm a science fiction author, so I'm familiar with the concept of aliens. I assume your whole get up here is probably some sort of incognito thing. You see, my wife Cookie and I, we wrote a whole series of books about teenagers who turn into insects. You write books? Yeah, there's called teen sex. Can you make a living? Teen sex? Whoa. No, teen sect. Teen sect. Teen sect. Teen sect. Why does everyone always say that? I'll tell you, I'll fill you in on the way. Can you make a living doing that? I mean, we did okay. All right. All right. Good for you. Okay, that means they're rich. Whatever, whatever. Everyone buckle in. Okay, so, okay. Interesting, this alien understands the concept of seatbelts. You guys remember before seatbelts? Yeah, that was what it was. The cars were crazy. Turns the key. The engine roars to life. So what is this, a quantum neutrino drive? Do you have a little black hole in there powering everything? Are you able to achieve faster than light travel, or have you warped this fabric of space and time such that you don't need to go faster than light to travel vast distances across an astral space? This runs on unleaded. Oh. The car begins to ascend. Oh, I should call Michaela. I should let her know that things are not going well. Hey, her dad, Herb, dad, what's up? Michaela, sweetheart, so the event's over. Oh, okay. And a little early, but it's not... I'll just come by and beat you guys up. No, no, no, no, no, don't come by. Okay, it sounds like it really should come by. No, no, no, no, no, no. Your pills, Herb. What's that? Your pills, your coffin. Wait, what's that? Never mind. I can't hear you, man. Who are you talking to? You guys speak up. Oh, sorry. I'm talking to my beautiful doctor. Where's Cammy? Cammy's got your stuff, right? Your pills and you took your lithium? I took my pills. I took my pills. That's probably why there's aliens here, if we're being honest. So I've got to go take care of that. So here's what you do is you're going to find Cammy, and you're going to sit next to Cammy, and you're just going to stick with her until I show up, okay? Well, Cammy is frozen solid. Yeah, but I'm sure she is. I feel like talking to a wallet, and that's not like her at all. Normally we have some very fulfilling conversations. Yeah, I'm sure you do. Just stay with her. She may look frozen, but she'll watch you. I'll call her, and I'm going to be right there. So just go ahead and don't go anywhere, okay? You know, sweetheart, I love you, but you're no help. Ashley is texting his kid, and the text message reads, Kid, Sky, frozen! Exclamation point, exclamation point. I'll get him! Because your son is frozen, you don't get a response. The station wagon ascends slowly at first, and then it starts going so fast that you are shoved down into the leather seats and you basically cannot move a muscle. The blue sky gives way to the darkness of space and your stomach turns as intense gravity is replaced by no gravity at all. I throw it up. Well, then it's floating around in the cockpit of this. The inky black, the celestial sprawl sprawl of the Milky Way. The squid man shifts to drive, and the ship boosts forward towards what slowly reveals... Now, I know unleaded gas isn't doing this, sir. If I explained it to you, your head might explode. Well, maybe most men's head would explode. But as I said, I am a sort of... I've contemplated these matters, and I think I even worked out a formula or two based on speculative energy sources, of course, but, you know, I think that I could probably handle whatever you've got to tell me about the weight. As you're saying that, you notice a rust-colored shape through the front windshield that grows larger by the second. It resolves itself into the image of a spaceship as big as a warehouse. A panel unfolds on this spaceship, and the station wagon heads toward that unfurled panel, which presumably is a docking area. The squid says, so wait, how old are all of you guys? Wait, how old are you? I'm 78. That makes me... I don't know how... I'm 78, you're probably... I think I'm 74. You look good for a 74, man. Thank you. You look good for 78. As for myself, I'm a spry 73. Oh, 73. Oh, youngin' over here. And your brain, it's like light speed over here, Mr. Space. Oh, you're too kind of. Mr. Space over here. I like your two beards, Santa Claus. I'm 55. What happened to ya? Hey, Sonny. I'm just very young. Okay. Okay. Okay. You don't gotta rub it in. This is where our grandkids went. No, this is my ship. What? We're just following my ship. This is your ship? Get going. Stop explaining. Get going. Well, you're just heading towards the dock, so. Okay. You have a couple of seconds to maybe, you know, establish certain facts about the universe. That wasn't facts. I just want to get going. I can establish some facts with the story, actually. So one time, one time. Okay, so the station wagon comes to a halt inside the dock. And there was this meteor and they thought, hey, it'd be easy to train us as miners. Those guys sound like they should never have to pay taxes. That was a good. Now I remember the movie you're talking. That's a good movie. So what movie? This was my life, man. So the dock looks rusty, old. There are no other shovels in it other than this station wagon, oddly. As you exit the station wagon, visually it, like, whibbles, like a little bit of static goes, and then it turns into a really nondescript gray cylinder, essentially. He runs out past, you know, like a fucking mechanic shop, like that's just a bunch of stuff where you can roll under things and put wrenches on things, and there's, like, tubes and things that you do things with. I don't know how cars work. He runs toward a glass elevator, jams on the button as the carriage descends, and it opens up. He runs in and he goes, I guess you can come with it. It doesn't really matter. Of course it matters. Yeah, well, yeah. You gotta save us. Ralph is snapping and pointing at the cylinders. This is from the Pentagon videos. This is that cylinder. Sure. Were you in a sort of sortie against a couple of F-16s a couple of years back? You know, I follow this stuff pretty religiously. Wow, I just, I gotta say, you would think that it would have made the news bigger that we saw a real UFO, but it's you. I'm just impressed that you all are still alive. All the research that I had done, and apparently that they had done, said that you guys didn't tend to live past, like, 40. So maybe he must have misaligned the age bomber. Either way, you're very lucky. We know. So inside the elevator, you see a bunch of vertically aligned buttons, each with an indecipherable set of runes next to them. The squid reaches out a tentacle, hits the top one, and you zoom upward. What are we seeing as we're flying through this glass elevator? You see other floors. It kind of happens too quickly to really figure out a lot, but you can definitely see something that looks like there's a bunch of equipment in it, like handheld equipment. Maybe it's an armory. Maybe it's an item area. Who knows? Something that looks to be a bunch of tubes with liquid in them. Maybe it's a hibernation pod thing. It looks like the thing from Empire Strikes Back that Luke is sort of floating in the back today. You see what looks to be just a kitchen. Just a normal kitchen. And then you reach the top. The carriage slides to a halt and drops you off into what looks to be a large cockpit with multiple chairs for people. The cockpit is roughly the size of two rings of a three-ring circus. Oh, a chair. I'm going to sit down in a chair. Oh, yeah. That's good. There's a whole galaxy outside that window? Yeah, you can see the stars throughout the front window. Daryl's eyes are wide. Who's Daryl? Who's Daryl? Dale's eyes are wide. You just removed some letters from Daryl to come up with your name. No, Dale Elliott. Elliott is my grandpa's name, and Dale is one of my cousins who's the coolest server bro alive. Dale is slowly walking to the chair because it sounded good the way her was in it but it looks like he's scratching his back but he realized he's actually taking that little arrow off and he's kind of just like sticking it like on his shoulder like outside of the globe and he's like oh and he sits down awe inspired actually he's flabbergasted yeah Ralph is just doing a classic Jurassic Park I just saw the Brontosaurus shamble as he staggers towards the window wait Ralph you were there Is there a massage button? Is there anything on this thing? Just press a button. Is there any buttons to press? Okay, we're on D20. Two. Okay, you fire a volley of missiles into the vacuum of space. You have found the gunner's chair. I press it again. He goes, I only have so many missiles. Stop doing that. Who are you, friendo? My name is Fyodor Universal, which was a name sent to us by Victor Aurelia Bucce. Fyodor? Fyodor Universal. Can I call you Fy? Sure. Cool. We're friends now. I like the cut of your jib. I'm going to need your help to track down your kids. They've been taken to fight in a war, in my war. Your war? What kind of war are we talking about? World War I, World War II, the Vietnam War, the Korean War? Bigger than any of those places that I don't know what they are. For now, I just have to chase after them. Let me just log in really quickly. He makes a noise, and a beam of light on the ceiling projects a 3D glowing figure who looks to be of the same species as a stinker, but with shorter tentacles. And you hear it go. And he says, what do you mean? What's wrong is that they took the potentials. And he goes. And he looks at his tentacle for the first time and sees like, oh, I guess it's a tranq dart. Yeah, it's a little limp, but it's. And he goes, sorry, what are you sorry for? And he looks at his tentacle. Ralph, this guy needs a cough drop. He looks at his tentacle and he sees a light. And you can see a light is beeping just below the surface of his skin underneath the dart. And he yanks the dart out, but the light remains. And he looks at you four with fear in his squitty eyes. And he says, paradox. And he reaches up above his head and fumbles with a compartment over his head as if he's trying to wrench it open. And he says, the password is a... And he explodes, blasting the entire interior of the cockpit with black goo. The AI winces, frowning. Theodore! That was his name, right? He's the only one who could help us. Well, we're covered in gunk. Oh, dear. I start hitting the pine over and over again. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. You're not going to fire more missiles, and then it click, click, click, click. You now have no more missiles. Oh, no. I've ruined my kid's life. I lost my grandkid. All right, everybody. My daughter had such a good life, and I ruined it. Gentlemen. I knew I was going to ruin it. I pound on the nearest bulkhead. She's not going to recover from this. Gentlemen. As you do that, the compartment he was looking to open pops open. Oh, there we go. What's in there? You see an almost empty bottle of gel capsules. Go ahead and roll perception. Might as well take them. Goodbye. Roll in. Pop them down. I see a pill. Pop it in. Wait, wait. What do you do? You see a pill, you pop it. It's down the hatch. I got a six. Okay, but a six you don't notice. How many pills are there? There are five of them. Are we talking about Advil? They look like gel capsules. Advil gels. This is what he was reaching for? Yeah. All right. Let's take stock of the situation. Our children, our grandchildren seem to have been abducted. Everyone's read a science fiction novel before, right? And this is not a this is not a shockingly new. I realize the situation we're in. We've seen Star Wars. But you've seen the forbidden planets, teenagers from outer space, the man who fell to Earth. If you're into the prog rock scene, I know what this is. We're in space. Our children, children, our grandchildren seem to have been abducted to be dragooned into some kind of interstellar war if this octopus was to be believed. And we now find ourselves on the deck of a starship. And covered in his guts. And covered in his alien guts. He seemed to be reaching for these little pills. I, for one, wonder what the point of these pills is. Oh, well, hold on. You said there's an AI? Uh-huh. AI! Ah! Ah! This now is, you as a fellow, Fermi Paradox fan, you understand one of the many reasons that there might not be intergalactic civilizations, the difficulty communicating between interstellar species. Now, Google search my grandchildren near me. This is a little trick I learned. A little trick, so. The hologram seems to gesture at the pill bottle. Oh, the computer wants us to feed it pills. Oh, maybe. I think he was going for it. Okay, you're right. We'll stay cool, figure this out. I hold up one of the pills. I hold it up real close. What does it look like? Does it look like there's like a microcosm of quantum entanglements going on in there or something, Anthony? You did roll perception to see if you could notice anything, and you couldn't. Yeah, but then I held it real close. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll again, roll again. No, no, put on your... Put on your body. I put on my reading glasses. I want to look at them. That's plus two for anything closer. Yes. Once more with feeling here. I got a two. Okay. Yeah. No way to tell. Just hand it here, Ralph. I'll take one. What are you going to do with it? Most of the time, things just work out. So just hand it over here. Okay. Bon voyage. It seems I just pop it in my mouth. Okay. So you pop it in your mouth just as the squid starts to say. Yeah, buddy. I hear you. And then as you swallow it, you feel a pop in your throat and then a vibration that starts at your vocal board and then somehow radiates upward to your ears. Very cool. It feels like your entire skull is vibrating around you. And for a second, it feels like your eardrums are about to burst from your head. This is how I go. And you hear, please, password, please. Password, please. Whoa. Hey, everybody, pop on those pills. Oh, all right. You can understand them if you do. It's crazy. I'm tired of people telling me to take these pills. They make me tired all the time. What was that phone you wanted? The Jitterbug. This is like the Jitterbug 100. It's not a pill. It's like tech. It's like a phone or something. Oh. Give it a shot. I popped it. All right. One more pill. One more pill. I'm taking one more pill. Then that's the last one. Same thing happens with all of you. There's a pop in your throat. Your vocal cords vibrate. Your eardrums begin to vibrate. And you hear that the AI is now saying, firstly, it transforms from the image of a squid person into just a sort of amorphous blob. And secondly, it says, password, please. Ruff, is this paradox? Password, incorrect. Password, please. Oh, wow. Ruff, is this the sort of thing you write? Oh, you know, usually it would be more of a DNA scan. you gotta put your thumb up to something but you know usually if there's a scene that I'd write the password would be in the room somewhere but the guy told us that the password was paradox if any of you would like to roll intelligence to recollect exactly what he said he said I don't need intelligence to use my memory and I remember what he said was it is a paradox I don't know what paradox is but it's a paradox Paradox is a situation. Imagine if you went back in time and had amorous relationships with your own mother. Oh, no. This happened. No. And then just imagine, Dale. Now, just imagine then you give birth. She gives birth to you, right? That's a paradox. Because how could you exist to go back and have- Oh, the password. I know. I know. I know. The password was a paradox. I got it. I got it. And I take a piece of- We already got it. And I draw two boats next to two wooden docks. And I'm like, here you go. A paradox. What is it? It's two docks. This guy, you should have your own show on Comedy Central. I do have my own show. You would kill on a cruise. Hello, new registered users. It worked! In order to better serve you, I will quickly download all data ever digitized on your planet done. I can now take whatever form, voice type, and rough personality you wish. So a bunch of bubbles appear around her. One says form, one says voice type, one says personality. All right, let's go to form first. Okay, so you see it's scrolling through. I wanted to be a lady. It's gotta be a lady. Okay, so you see a sort of feminine figure emerge, but it's still really fair. More! Younger! More! Younger! More! Younger! My wife! My wife! So you see a very young version of your wife. More younger! My wife! So you see her get bigger, so more. You see her get younger, so she's like, I don't know, 12? and then she also looks like your wife because she had a Facebook profile. I'm going to say something brave. It's too young. She turns 13. Older? She turns 14. Older, less like my wife. 15 and she's a boy. Make her 25. 25. I see a 25-year-old boy. This is just like when I'm using the chat GPC on my phone. It never gets it right. Computer, calculation, half my age plus seven. Oh, Al doesn't say that. So yeah, you see a perfectly handsome, if nondescript, 25-year-old man standing in front of you. That was a journey to get there. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just to be clear. What, race, Anthony? You get to choose that under voice type. Let me be clear. You get to choose the voice and accent of this person and whatever comes out is your choice But Anthony does have to do it But I have to do it but it your choice that character creation was just fucking every disney remake it started interestingly just turned into a generic 25 year old white man he heard what we said we said more so you said more in my wife so in terms of body you got you got form down you know what it looks like ben wishaw at 25 pretty handsome twink 25 years old and under voice type you see it scrolling through different Quink meant something different in my day. It was what the stars did. Yeah. Yes. Arguably, they do that now, too. So you see a voice type, and you see a bunch of different accents, languages, all that kind of stuff going by. And then personality also opens. Hey, you know what would be cool? James Bond. Oh, 007. What's your favorite? Well, hold on. Shut the fuck up, Anthony. We're talking in character. Hey, who was your favorite, Bond? I didn't like the new guys. For me, Roger Moore. Roger Moore. He's pretty classy. You know what? Controversial. I like them all. I like them all. No, you didn't have a police car. It's just a good time in the movies. That's all you need. Before your eyes, the 25-year-old Ben Wishodge turns into a 40-something Roger Moore in a tuxedo. And he goes, job done show. Wow. Pretty good. Wow. It's Roger. It's Roger Moore. Hey, Mr. Moore, I love your movies. Oh, thank you. I loved making them. Please choose a personality for me Currently I'm on default Roger Moore Let's go with Roger Moore from Cannonball Run That was a fun Roger Moore movie Was he in Cannonball Run? I think he plays himself Guess what? He plays an Asian guy Give me Sean Connery and you only live twice Whoa Yes it's me Roger Moore In Cannonball Run Mr. Bond we need to find our Our grandkids Of course how can I help? Bubbles float around Roger Moore. They say things like help, ship report, sex stuff, inventory, plotting a trail, all that kind of stuff. Help. Help. Help. Help us find our kids. I'm afraid you've sexed your last stuff, Mr. Bond. This is a little joke. Usually I sex for queen and country, but for you, I do it for pleasure. I detect an FDL radiation trail if you're looking for help finding your grandchildren. Oh, yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Cool. Would you like me to mark it on your heads-up display? What's a heads-up display? A glowing trail appears on the windshield, highlighted in yellow like you're playing a video game, and you also see there's a radar that comes to life on the console that the squid guy was trying to use before he exploded. You can see that the trail seems to get more and more narrow as it goes on until it finally disappears. This is just like Star Citizen. It all seems like a pretty intuitive interface. Grace, Mr. Bond, can you take us as fast as humanly or alienly as possible in the direction of our grandchildren? Well, this is going to be easy, guys. I can inform you how to work the engines and bring out the most. This sweet adult woman. Just go ahead and manipulate the joystick over there. You're unable to control the vessel. No, I can tell you what the vessel is doing, but the actual control must be done manually. You're saying that in this intergalactic space, robots, computers don't have the ability to affect the world, but you can kind of command. Are there robots? A, there are robots on your planet, so yeah, they're in space as well. B, I do potentially have the power to pilot this ship, but most laws of robotic restraint prevent that from being a default case. But you're not a robot. You're James Bond. Bunch of fucking fascists. Yeah, and back in my day, James Bond wouldn't take no for an answer. So why would you... That's the problem with this woke one. I mean, I was like, what did you mean? I was like, Bob, don't go on that mission. And Bob goes on the mission. You guys are sick. That's not what I meant. Bob wouldn't let no authority tell him what to do. Which one of you would like to take the controls? Me ever since I was 12. Okay. Let me, oh boy, this is, wow. That's pretty cool. I just wish my Cookie was here to see this. She would have gotten a real kick out of this. That's good. I get that. Oh, my, that was, Cookie was my dearly departed wife. I knew a woman named Cookie. I assume you would since you know all human beings apparently that have ever existed. Yeah, your wife seemed nice. She was nice. Thank you, Roger Moore. Thank you, Roger Moore. Does she have a sister? I'm joking. Well, you know, she and her sister didn't really get along towards the end there. You know, there was a bit of a falling out over the inheritance. And, you know, we didn't get as much as we thought we were going to. but that's the way it crumbles sometimes. I always told them they should. The point is, I can try my hand flying this thing. All right, you're going to give me a piloting roll if you're trying to follow the FTL drive. Can I use my encyclopedic knowledge of the golden age of science fiction to try to discern how the ship operates and maybe give a little bonus? Yeah, give me an investigation roll. If you succeed at that, you'll get an advantage on your piloting roll. I got a nine. Okay, so you don't get an advantage, but you can still roll piloting. Oh, I forgot we have that as a new skill. Because, oh, you should explain that? I should explain, yes, thank you. So this season, we are playing Dungeons & Dragons 5e, kind of. What we are playing is Dark Matter, which is a full sci-fi conversion of Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition. So you're going to hear a lot of mechanics that are similar to Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, but there's some new things. For example, there's a new class called Gadgeteer, which Freddy is going to be playing. There is a couple of new stats like data, piloting, and I think technology is one of them. So some stuff's going to feel a little bit new in sci-fi. Some stuff's going to feel like putting on a nice old sweater that I don't know how to put on properly and sort of ignore most of the holes that you're supposed to put your arms through. Dark Matter, by the way, is from Mage Hand Press. You guys should check them out. They got all that cool stuff. So yes, go ahead and roll piloting for me. All right, I will give you a dexterity roll. A 13. With a 13, you jankily but effectively manage to aim the ship towards the quickly fading radiation trail from the FTL drive of the other ship. Ho, ho, ho! Just like riding a bike, gentlemen! Oh! You manage to suss out which lever is the throttle, and the ship begins to gain speed. You can't really tell because you're in space and everything's really far away, so it kind of just feels like something's vibrating underneath you. You're probably wondering why it doesn't feel like we're gaining speed, but you see in space, the distances are so fast that it would be hard to really perceive without an object nearby as a relation to how fast you're going. But I assume we're really kind of cooking right now. Ralph, I'm happy how happy you are. Sounds really cool. Like, you wanted to do this since you were 12. I mean, I... That's cool. That's cool. I'm trying to... But this is serious. You're right. Of course, I'm just saying... We got to focus. When times are tough, though, it's good to look on the good things that are happening because there's always good around the world, even if bad stuff's happening. I'm just happy for you, bud. Yeah, look at these stars. I haven't seen stars like this since I was in space. You were in space? Whoa. Well, yeah, it's kind of a long story. So we were trying to do repairs, and I got caught outside of the spaceship, and I was completely alone. and then there was this one part where I was like, well, I was kind of in the fetal position in this one window and it was a very beautiful, touching moment. Everybody said, oh, that's kind of like he's a fetus in a womb. He seems to be referencing the film Gravity. What's that? Anyways, so... Peter, he asked you a question. I could not tell if it was rhetorical or not. You know what? I forgot this is kind of a boring story of mine. Oh, okay. Okay, there. Gravity is a 2013 film starring Sandra Bullock, directed by Alfonso Cuaron. Who else was in it? George Clooney. Oh, I like that. I like that. Hey, wait. You know who would have been a good James Bond? George Clooney would have been a good. Burt Reynolds. Oh. He was up for it. People don't talk about that enough. I saw Burt was on a cruise once. He was doing some talks. It was fun. He's a nice guy in real life. You know, I was on a cruise once. Which one? Well, it was the second one. Viking crystal. Oh, no. Approaching. I knew where that was going right away. Please strap in and brace for seal breakage. Not the first time I've said that. Approaching envelope seal. This AI James Bond's taking on a lot of the personality traits. You feel yourself vibrating more and more until suddenly. You come. You come. That's been a while. Though nothing has changed through the windshield, It feels like your ship just ran into something soft. You couldn't feel the momentum before, but now you feel yourself get jerked forward as if you just suddenly stopped. The stars around you begin to stretch as if space itself were just a two-dimensional image that the nose of your ship had just plowed into. Preaching the Fermi Seal. As Roger Moore says that, I'm going to assume that you, Ralph, remember that one of the major theories behind the Fermi Paradox is that some higher intelligence keeps civilizations in a sequestered envelope until they can prove they're ready to join the galactic society. And once that envelope is open, they get to join everybody else. That's science? It is. That's science. It's science. It's postulating. It's speculating. Hold on. What's your problem, Matt? I mean, just. Just a guy was like, let's think of some fun reasons why we don't see aliens. It was a 14. Yeah, but they don't get published. 14 year old 14 year old like you know I bet you there's a really smart I'm just saying they make fun of religion and this happens here in envelopes and there's a galactic society that breaks them out at some point I will do a side rant Matt people are like well maybe our whole universe is just a computer simulation and like this idea gets a lot of ingredients and the same people like intelligent design I'm sorry that's the stupidest thing I'm ever like that's what you just said you said it's in a computer who built a computer a lot of stuff is just smart people saying dumb shit smartly unlike that sentence then suddenly it happens there is a ripping sound and the dark void of space disappears as your ship punches somehow through it like a pencil through paper and then liked so much goddamn oh oh anthony i pull out those big shades oh yeah anthony i'm gonna go over your glasses like you just got your pupils dilated yeah i got Those big ones. Effie, guess what? I got big shades too, baby. Great. Big aviators. Big fat aviators. Dale's got the little flip downs for sunglasses. Oh, great. Because he needs glasses, yeah. And Herb's got the big eyes dilated glasses as well. Oh, actually, I have a better one. I have a better one. I'm already wearing glasses. They turn. You have transition lenses. My transitions lens adopts to the lighting conditions. It's almost an inverse of what you just saw, but more colorful. When you looked at space, there used to be 99% black voids speckled with points of light. Now, there are thousands, millions of points of light in all different colors and in some cases, shapes. It hurts your eyes to look at until Roger Moore darkens the windshield even further. I actually have written here like a transition lens. My transition lenses return to their normal. I don't know why I said that so funny. Fuck, that's stupid. That's really funny. Envelope breach, darlings. Warning. Dark forest protocols are in effect. Roger Moore is barely finished speaking that sentence before red lights start flashing and you hear a klaxon echoing through the cockpit. A metallic shape rises from the bottom of your viewscreen, essentially your windshield, and you slowly begin to realize that this is a massive metal face. Andros? Andros? Yeah, thank you. Yes, exactly like the SNES Andros. Does he have two big hands with glowing red dots on him? No, this is the SNES Andros, which is just the face. The Andros face squints at you, its eyes glowing red. Lasers seem to be trained on you, And Roger Moore says, it does have a target lock. I've got an idea. I'm eager to hear it. Spit it out, Herb. So raise your hand if you're wearing a life alert. Oh, not that brand, but yeah. I don't think it gets reception out here, though. I've been mashing this button pretty hard. I know, but I think if we all mash our buttons at the same time, it might scramble the signal and these lasers, and they won't know where to aim. Because when I press my life alert, that's like, you know, when I want a drink or when I want some food or something. Why don't you roll either tech or hack? What is the other thing? One of the new sci-fi stats. I'll roll technology. Yeah, roll technology. We got a negative one. I got a 14. So with a 14, you can tell that because the life alerts send out a broadwave cellular signal that this might actually work. Oh, I don't understand it like you do, Ralph. But this is, we're just at sea. So I would take that life alert and I'd start tapping in. The universal sign for distress. There's rules of the sea. I'd start doing SOS. Go ahead and roll persuasion with disadvantage. Plus one, so 12. 12's not going to do it. Roger Moore is going to say, unfortunately, dark forest protocols are in effect, so they don't care what you're going to say. But the whole thing with the life alert seemed to be a pretty good idea. If you did synchronize your life alert. Oh, sorry. I misunderstood. Fellas, I don't have a life alert. Fine. Don't need it. We'll use R3 then. Well, it's space. Surely you have some kind of issue that could kill you in space. More impressingly, we have there's a thing. A giant face is about to blow up. Everybody who wants to press their life alert, give me a technology rule. I got sidetrack. I got a 12. I got a 2. I got a natural 20. my first one of the season as you press your life alerts the eyes of the Andross thing that's looking at you begin to get wider almost as if its accuracy is decreasing its eyes begin to start darting around the space around the ship as if it can't quite get a lock on you because its tracking is all fucked up you have a turn to do something while this thing is distracted and no longer has a target lock on you I'm gonna try to fly this baby with as many crazy zigzag maneuvers as I handle. Everybody buckle in. I'm going to track a motion sickness token mechanic here on my own end for every zig and zag. Pop those drama mean boys. We're doing it. Natural 20 on my motion sickness thing. I'm doing okay for now. You're like the dad from Independence Day. We could go up. We could go down. We could go side to side. I got a 19. A 19. Oh, wow. Okay. Herb's just going to cling to the floor and try to mitigate any damage that might happen to him because of the flopping around. So you hit the afterburners, and you accidentally managed to pilot the ship around the face. It is still aiming where you used to be, and you can see it now from behind, which is obviously just an inverted mask kind of looking thing. And they took my license last year. It's Herb. Herb, sorry. You two should write together. Oh, I only write with my dearly departed wife. Oh, did you hear that, man? We should write together. We'd love that. You know, we can kick some ideas around later. The face begins to turn back around. But as it does, you see both on the radar and then marked on your heads up display a large blue beacon. And Roger Moore says, ah, that is the McFadden Gate. Ah, boo. Love it. I hope my beverage doesn't get crushed in this McFadden Gate. The McFadden Gate is an interplanetary sort of hub space where a lot of people tend to come in and out. It's a port of call, one might say. We are about to be killed, but if you could potentially get close to the gate, you could maybe scare them off. We do have laser guns. Transfer all powers to the engine, Roger Moore. And also, what if we could throw stuff out? Anything we don't need. No, that won't work, you fool. It's weightless. We're in a weightless environment. Oh. Oh. Unless would that work? I'm really talking out of my ass here, Roger. It works in Star Citizen. Are you talking about chaff, or are you talking about trying to lower the mass of this ship? Chaff. Chaff could work. And mass. Can I roll perception to, because I'm still sitting in the same spot. Mm-hmm. I'm going to take out my reading glasses and look at the bun I was pressing. That's empty now. Mm-hmm. Are there any other buttons? Yes. Go ahead and roll investigation or perception. Five on investigation. A lot of fucking buttons. Who knows what they do? Do any of them look similar to the button I was pressing where things shot out? Yes. Dale looks up and he's like, there's another button here like the first one I pressed. Okay. Why don't you do what you do best, buddy? I press the button. Okay. So your chair shoots out of the cockpit into the cold vacuum space. Oh, no. Oh, no. Okay. A bubble encircles your chair and there's a little jet coming out of your chair. But you hear Roger Moore's voice and you hear it going, You have roughly 30 seconds of oxygen before that bubble pops. That's assuming that- That's the worst escape pod! That's the worst escape pod! That would be like if you got popped out of an F-18 jet and they're like, This parachute only works for 20 seconds. This lifeboat will stay afloat for two minutes. What do you mean? This ship is meant to be flown in an armada with other ships and capital ships that could quickly pick you up. Dale, turn upside down. Come back. I don't think Dale can hear you. Am I in space? You are in space. You're connected to radio. Tell Dale to turn upside down. They can hear you through the AI radio and all that stuff. So you can't still talk to each other. Oh, my daughter. I'm sorry. No, we need you, Dale. It's cold out here. I'm going to attempt. We got sweaters in here, Dave. I mean, I'm moving my arms. I, um... Are there still buttons on my seat? Yeah. Okay, I start pressing them. Okay. Give me a... A laser fires from the ship and blows you up. I'm in the bubble. Give me a... Just a luck roll. You know, I wasn't even sure about this character anyways. What happened to go on that girl to one? Oh my god I mean we have to So what happens is So what happens is The bubble around you instantly pops And the chair I was supposed to breathe out. And the chair has an ejection seat within the cushion as well. And it just shoots you off the chair into space. You are now completely unprotected from the vacuum of space. You have eight seconds until your blood boils within your base. I'm going to kill the engines. I'm going to trace what I want to do. There's that dock, right? Yeah. I want to flip this ship to align with him. And then I'm going to try to reverse so that he gets caught by the dock. Oh, you are going to have to roll. I'm going to say at least a 16 and you're going to have to roll a disadvantage. Ralph, you and me are writing the book together, right? We'll talk about it later. Natural 20! What the? Natural 20, bitch! With disadvantage? Oh, not with disadvantage. Look at your staff. Look at your actions. We have stuff on our character sheets. One more roll. I believe every character starts with one inspiration. One. You turn the ship a little bit too fast. Your engines line up perfectly and you press. Oh, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Sorry. You press the accelerator and a wave of radiation from the engine emanates outward. A wave of force cannonballs Dale towards the mouth of the face that is chasing. And the mouth opens its mouth and swallows Dale. What happened to Dale? Dale? The face ate Dale. It ate him. Okay, okay, we can fix this. Also, the big face turns around and starts chasing after you again. Oh, no, this can't be happening. I'm sorry. I'm old. I shouldn't be driving. And I punched the engine to try to get away from the ship. One more piloting check, please. The rest of you can also still explore the different buttons on the cockpit. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. Don't press anything. I'm not pressing anything after what I... You'll notice that despite having an AI that knows everything about the ship, he chose not to say anything to the AI. I made a roll. I rolled another one. Okay, so you accidentally drive directly towards the big face. Oh, dear. There's no way to communicate with this thing? I didn't say that. Opening communication. Excuse me. Face. Hello. Face. Hello? You just swallowed our man. Hello? It says dark forest protocols are in effect, and it's not going to listen to you. Was there a radio on the seat? Yeah. Roger Moore, can we communicate with the radio on Dale's chair? I don't see why not. Dale, Dale, can you hear us, buddy? Hey, my face hurts. Hello. Dale? My face. Your face hurts? Well, it's killing me, buddy. It's killing me. Oh, man. Where are you, Dale? I think I'm dead. No. Are you dead? No, we're still here. I don't know where I am. The face starts charging at you. its mouth open wide. Here comes the airplane. So this chapter of the story ends with a septuagenarian being swallowed whole by a very large metal robot face. Andros. By Andros. But this is just the first chapter in a story that will take us all across the stars. But most importantly, this is the story of how these four grandparents die. What? No, wait. Like now? Wait. No, not now. Like you will be dead by the end of the season. Well, I mean eventually. I'm going to let some rap. We'll see about that. You guys seem so excited when I pitch this to you. This season's never going to end. This season's never ending. 100,000 episodes. You're the state. What's up, Michael? There's a place in your mind You can go to anytime You won't regret The things you didn't do Would it times you'd be alive When the whole entire world Has got you feeling Like there's something you should prove Just keep breathing in and out You could have been anyone You could have been anyone You could have been anyone If you wouldn't listen To conventional wisdom You became anyone If you wouldn't listen To conventional wisdom Welcome back. Thank you for listening to the season premiere of season four. Our after show this season is called Safe Space. That's where we dish about the events of the episode. Get an in-depth look at this episode on the planning, the prep process these past couple of months. We're talking game dynamics, DM dynamics. We change dads. All the juicy details. Plus, we answer listener questions. Just get a little dose of what goes into making this show. If that sounds like that's interesting to you, you can find that on our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. And plus, there's a whole host of video and audio content for you to catch up on there. Because while the main feed has been quiet, the Patreon feed was popping. Pet update video. That's all I have to say about that. Dungeons and Daddies is Anthony Birch as our DM. Matt Arnold as Dale Elliott. Will Campos as Ralph Estereus. Beth May as Herb the Worm Quigley. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Ashley Birch. Our theme song is Conventional Wisdom by Maxton Waller. Anissa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Cordy Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Els is our lead editor. And Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore. And shout out to our Patreon supporters. Folks like Alexander Ferguson, The Lane Family, Kath, Tonja B. Halverson, Tiny Wings, Saren Lauridsen, Kali Lentz, Jailbird, Zsolt Nolmayer, Celine Michelle Palmer, Robert Yearn, Zach Winkler, Delaney Gebhardt, Stephen McKee, Snack, Brandon Tomich, Evan, Noah Herring, Melissa Titus and Zach Ames. Support the show directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Find our merch and more at dungeons and dads.com. And episode two is coming out February 24th. We'll see you then. I'm out. Yeah, status check, Dale. So I got his sunglasses here from his glasses, and there's a little bit of dead, dry skin on him, and I'm wondering if aliens exist. Can maybe we clone them or something? Can we do something to bring them back? Oh, no.