Tom Hanks (Extended) | President Barack Obama

-♪ Buzzing music plays Welcome. Welcome. One and all in here, out there, to the Late Show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen... That's lovely. That is a thank you for our energy. Thank you for that. I take that as a present. It is my birthday today. -♪ Buzzing music plays Yep. Thank you. Sit down. Thank you. Very kind. You too? -♪ Buzzing music plays There you go. Thank you. Yes. It is my birthday. Please, I'm seated. Bye. It is my birthday. Today, I turned... I can play 45. I can also drive stick, and I'm available in June. -♪ Buzzing music plays Today, also, Donald Trump is in China. Here he is arriving. -♪ Hayao! Hayao! -♪ Hayao! Hayao! Wow. Melania was right. Shen Yun is fantastic. -♪ Hayao! Hayao! -♪ Hayao! Hayao! Trump's not making this trip alone. He brought Tim Cook, Elon Musk, and a dozen other CEOs. It is so satisfying to realize that no matter how rich or powerful you may be, there's a chance you might get stuck on a plane with Elon Musk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is fun. This is fun like, uh, does anybody want my sperm? -♪ Hayao! Hayao! So, why are all the big money holes attending? Well, according to Trump, I will be asking President Xi to open up China so that these brilliant people can work their magic. Oh, yes. These people can work magic. They've already made their taxes disappear. Illusion. Trump also brought the director of Melania and of the Rush Hour franchise, Brett Ratner. Now, you may be asking, what the hell is a disgraced Hollywood director doing on a vital diplomatic visit? Not sure. But... this is true. Donald Trump did demand a sequel to his favorite movie franchise, so Ratner's scouting film locations for Rush Hour 4. No. No, a president of the United States should not be involved in movie stuff. Didn't we learn our lesson when JFK said this? Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask who's pumped for the music man. Surely Jones and Buddy Hackett? More like 76 thumbs up. So, so bringing Ratner to China seems weird, though I will admit, he did bring his own very skilled translator. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Of course. Brett, it's a class. I'm glad you... Gotta give it up for Tucker. Gotta give it up for you. Of course, one of the big issues hanging over Trump's fabulous billionaire boys' trip is the war he started over in Iran. Ships are stuck, negotiations are stalled, and the cost keeps going up. A couple of weeks ago, the administration told Congress the price tag of the war was $25 billion. Then the Pentagon upped that number to $29 billion. But now one Pentagon budget expert says the conflict will ultimately cost taxpayers at least $1 trillion. Okay, that's an enormous number. To put that in perspective, if you stacked $1 trillion, the height of the stack would measure over 67,000 miles high, which is almost as high as whoever thought that comparison would be useful. So what is America getting for our hot trilly? Way less than we were promised, because we just learned that Trump has been drastically overstating U.S. military success in Iran. Wait, wait a minute. Are you saying our commander-in-chief was being imprecise when he gave this detailed report on combat operations? Fire-pum, fire-pum. What part of that don't you get? Bing-bing-bong-bong. Not only is the regime over there still in place, not only do they still have their nuclear material, but U.S. intelligence now says Iran has retained roughly 70% of its pre-war missile stockpile, 90% of its underground missile storage and launch facilities, and access to 30 of the 33 missile sites along the Strait of Hormuz, which means I have to update my long-suffering segment. Hormuz news you can use. A trillion misused stockpiles barely reduced. I am the walrus cuckoo cuckoos. We, to be honest, we are running out of rhymes. Lately, the administration has been insisting that their bombing campaign named Operation Epic Fury is over, but just in case they're hungry for seconds, reportedly the Pentagon is considering renaming the Iran War Operation Sledgehammer. Oh, yeah! Operation Sledgehammer, bro? Okay, I am back on board. Take another trillion. Take another trillion. Okay? Yeah. There you go. All right. This, this, this is my kids' college fun. I told my wife I wouldn't touch it, but Sledgehammer, I didn't know. I didn't know we were going... I didn't know... I didn't know we were going to Peter Gabriel on their asses. Come on, let's shock the monkey. So... But don't shoot the floor. Now I look messy. Okay, why did they rename it? Get ready, because this is super stupid. You see, the 1973 war powers resolution requires Congress to authorize military action within 60 days, and because we have now passed that 60-day deadline, the administration believes replacing the name could allow Trump to argue that it restarts the clock. Oh, yeah! Totally new war. Now it's Operation Sledgehammer, and the next one will be called Operation and Just Like That. It won't have Samantha, so the clock starts again. The war has also... Trump's war in Iran has also pushed America's economy into what financial experts call the poop chute. Voters have noticed that. Right now, 70% of Americans disapprove of Trump's handling of the economy, and more than two-thirds of Americans say the country feels out of control. Oh, come on. Things are completely under control. Donald Trump may seem unstable, but I'm sure he has a plan. What is your plan, Mr. President? Blalalalalala. Blalalalalala. Blalalalalala. Blalalalalala. Pulse... Trump's poll numbers are not good. Just ask CNN's Harry Enten. These are the ugliest numbers I have ever seen on inflation, and it's not just one poll, Johnny Berman. It's many polls. Just take a look here. President's Net Approval on Inflation. The five worst polls ever for any president The five worst polls ever. Five worst polls ever. Joe Biden's not in there? That's right, Jack. I'm not in there. Because I'm in here. That's right. That's going... That's going barraque. What's going on? Okay, I'm not in there because I'm in here asking remember how much better was when I was in charge? Because I'll be honest, folks, I do not. Last Biden impression ever. Let's dance, everybody. Come on. You know. Come on. Yeah. Let's dance. You know you make me wanna. A little bit louder now. Watch me whip. Watch me nae nae. Watch me... Watch me nae nae. Twistin' the night away. Of course, longtime viewers know that... What? What? Oh, gosh. Sorry, folks. That sound means it's time we talk about news from the troubled world of men. In the past few years, there's been a slew of mannosphere wellness fads like look-maxing, which is when dudes try to maximize their physical appearance, sometimes in drastic ways. Well, it's taken a bit of a dark turn, a turn down south, because now there's a new trend called ball-maxing. An actual procedure where men actually inject saline to maximize the scotum size. Nope. Nope. No more hobbies for men. Fellas, fellas, you got time to fill your balls. You got time to fill the dishwasher, okay? All right? For those who don't know, for instance, me until this morning, ball-maxing is all about going for the biggest ball as possible. And you know what? Who doesn't want that? Not only does it make walking a challenge, but also by comparison, it makes your penis seem very small. Kind of like dropping a baby carrot onto a beanbag chair. One testicular, Max and Nista, is so committed to the lifestyle that he claims his scrotum is 14.5 inches or bigger than a mango. Mango? I don't think that mango went anywhere. For anyone... Thank you. For anyone... I got a sound. I got no further to say. There you go. For anyone considering maximizing their balls, please know there are hazards. For example, after one session, this same mango man got his scrotum stuck in a toilet. Even more impressive, it happened while he was in the shower. We got a great show for you tonight. Tom Hanks is here with a little comeback. President Barack Obama takes the bull-band once more. MUSIC Folks, listen, I hope you caught my interview with President Barack Obama last week. Oh! Lovely hanging out. All of the newsworthy revelations it contained, perhaps the biggest was that he said I could call him Barack. I am still not comfortable with that, but the 44th president was, in fact, so comfortable with me that he was brave enough to bear his soul. Sir, you and I have had a chance to talk many times. It's been an honor every time. I've enjoyed. You've been very frank and forthcoming. But the thing is, even with the kind of in-depth interviews that we've had, sometimes you don't get to know someone fully by doing that. So we at the late show have come up with something called the Colbert Questionnaire. It's a series of 15 questions. Let's do it. Ergonomically designed to penetrate straight to the soul of someone. But I want to warn you, if you answer these questions honestly, you will be fully known. Are you prepared? I've got nothing to hide. Let's go. Okay. Barack Obama, what is the best sandwich? Cheeseburger is the best sandwich. Okay. What cheese were you talking about? Cheddar. Cheddar? Okay. Yeah. Lettuce, tomato, what do we want? Lettuce, tomato. Drag it through the garden. Mustard. Okay. What was the first concert you attended? It was 1973 Elton John Goodbye Yellow Brick Road Tour. Amazing. And the second was Stevie Wonder Intervisions Tour. They came through Hawaii, I think, on their way to Asia to make money. But at the Blaisdale Center. Powerful answers. It was great. Unbelievable. What is the scariest animal? This is a scientific nerd question, but mosquitoes are the scariest. Yeah, yeah. Because? They bring a lot of bad diseases. There you go. Apples or oranges? Apples. Okay. Yeah. Can't put peanut butter or an orange. You can't. There's only one thing you can do. Eat it. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? In 1977, I think Dr. J came to Hawaii for an all-star game, an exhibit game, and I asked Doc for an autograph. That's great. I did a waste paper basketball once back in the day, and it doesn't matter who won. But the first person I ever did that with, the first guest I ever did that with, was with Dr. J. Yeah. Who won? I won, and he was not happy. I know. He accused me of cheating. Yeah, you probably did. I mean, you practiced. I'm not. You crumbled the balls up. You crumbled the balls up real tight. You got to let it go, man. You got to let it go. You've done a lot of great things. What's contingent? Don't let this be the thing that you're like, that in the middle of the night you go, what if I had won? What if I had achieved that? I'm getting kind of hot. Okay. Let's move on. What do you think happens when we die? I think that, I don't know, but what I'd accept that if we've lived a good life, I think we live on in the memories of the people who loved us. Give a favorite action movie. I thought the Daniel Craig James Bond series was terrific. Yeah. Yeah. Casino Royale. Casino Royale. And Skyfall. Skyfall. Those are two figures. And I would go with Casino Royale. Come on. The first one. When he actually runs through the wall, instead of going, fantastic, blunt instrument. Window or aisle? Window. So you don't need to worry about getting up in the bathroom? No, my bladder's pretty solid. Okay. Okay. Favorite smell? Now, I have to say, I wasn't entirely briefed on this, but I was told that Michelle said I smelled pretty good. So like I do- Wait, wait, so your favorite smell is you? No, I was going to say. That's obviously got to be my way. Oh, oh, oh. Wait, she says you smell pretty good. Yeah, she said. Oh, oh, I see. Oh, when she, when I asked her, exactly. So you've got to do reciprocal. I do. Okay. Absolutely. Because I'm not- It's also true. And it has the benefit of being true. Least favorite smell? You know, I'm not overly sensitive to smells. So I mean, they're the obvious ones. I don't think I'm super original when it comes to least favorite smells. Do you have a favorite smell that you just- I don't answer the Culver question yesterday. I'm sorry. Okay. These are the rules. Which makes sense. Okay, yeah. All right. Earliest memory? Earliest memory is looking at tadpoles with my mom in a pond behind our house in Hawaii. Wow. Yeah. That's a good one. Do you have any sense of how old you are? Three. Yeah. Cats or dogs? Dogs. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. You don't have to listen to it continually, but when you go to listen to music, this is the song you get to hear. What would it be? Marvin Gaye. What's going on? Maybe a minus amount feeling good. Between those two. What number am I thinking of? Seven. No. Sir, please describe the rest of your life in five words. Joy. Michelle Malian Sasha Elkamp. Yeah. There you go. That's three. Useful. Congratulations, Mr. President. You are known. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks again to President Obama. The Obama Presidential Center opens in Chicago on June 19th. We'll be right back with Tom Hanks. Hi, my name is Lloyd Lockridge, and I'm the host of a new podcast from Odyssey called Family Lore. In this podcast, I'm going to have people on to tell unusual and sometimes far-fetched stories about their families. I've heard my whole life that she invented the margarita. And then we're going to investigate those stories and find out how much of it is true. He gets a patent one month before the Wright Brothers. Oh my God. Please follow and listen to Family Lore, an Odyssey podcast available now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your shows. Ladies and Gems, I'm happy to say my guest tonight has a new Dacu series on the History Channel called World War II with Tom Hanks. The polls were outgunned by the Germans who had three to one tanks and five to one airplanes. So there's no question that the Germans were a superior force. Despite those odds, the polls are determined to defend their country. Everyone had the help, and soldiers conscripted civilians on the street, putting them to work. I saw one man who has stopped six times on his way home with a loaf of bread. The polls were outgunned by the Germans who had been killed by the Germans. The polls remain resilient. Ladies and gentlemen, Hanks! Hi. Thank you. Tom, good to see you. I cannot help but notice that you brought a prop. Dude, you're moving on, and there is so much stuff to steal from the offices right now. They're never going to miss it, and one of the things I like to do, I hit that stationary closet, right? Yes. And it's like, OK, Steno pads got plenty. Cheap-ass ballpoint pens don't need them. But, stationary with the CBS logo on it? Dude! Thank you. That is letterhead stationary. I mean, I'm going to talk about that. That Reba paper probably costs your benevolent overlords on like 35 cents or something like that. I think they would say it costs them $40 million. Well, thank you. Thank you for saying otherwise. It does come down to the economics of the talk show business. No, that's mine! I'm taking it home! Dude! Well, no, all right. You can get it, you know. No, you can have it. I've been selling mostly toiletries. Well, then... Yeah. My pockets are full of Advil at this point. By the way, I want... If I could, I would just pull an Oprah right now and say, you get a Reba paper, you get a Reba paper, you get a Reba paper, you get a Reba paper. Let's make a murder show. Let's make a murder show. That's it. If they're a good audience. We'll see how you do, because quite frankly, I have two hours and 25 minutes of material that we're going to try to... All right. Because I can't... Let's pack it in 15 minutes and 30 seconds. I can't spend enough time with Stephen Colbert. I got nowhere to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're going to have to put a shape charge around me to get me out of this interview tonight. You know, I'm going to get modeling if we start talking about that. Because I don't know how the entertainment industrial complex is going to survive without you. Wow, it'll do a role long, much like the Republic and the great Columbia. We shall go on. Now, listen, speaking about rolling on, the country is about to celebrate a big birthday. The big 250. Big 250. Yeah, 250 years. To celebrate, you've got a new docuseries on the History Channel, as I said, right there. World War II with Tom Hanks. Now, I'm fascinated with World War II. I had family over there. What is it? Why do you think...you, but also the general public, why do you think people are still so fascinated with World War II? Okay, first of all, you have... I'm of two minds of this. One is the day... I always go back if I'm 19 years old. I'm 22 years old. Or maybe I'm 15. I can lie about my age and get into the Marine Corps. Sure. The world was at this place where it was like, hey, if someone doesn't take up the mantle, who will? Suddenly, there was a moment where half the world was going to be robbed of the basic freedoms that made us Americans. The freedom of speech, religion, assembly, and the press. One half the world that was taken out by essentially one guy. In Europe, one guy just sold this narrative. And the next thing you know, you have crosses at the cemeteries of enormity. So I can't get past that. What a personal attestive would I have had the fortitude to wear with all? Or quite frankly, the morals in order to say, well, if I don't join up and do whatever I can, even if I'm just going to be typing on reports. Remember Andy Rooney, great CBS, by the way, who served. He covered the war in airplanes and whatnot. He said, of course, some people served in that 28th shoe repair battalion. And those shoes saved the world. So that is one specter. But I'll tell you this one thing. I was shopping with my dad. I was 11. We were at a Safeway in Oakland, California. We were just picking up stuff for home. Yeah, there you go. And my dad said, we were about to get in line in order to buy our stuff. And my dad looked at a guy and he said, Brian Cunningham. And Brian Cunningham looked at my dad and said, Bud Hanks. And I said, and they talked in this language that I'd never seen. And they had this look in their eyes of they were in there. It was that was 1966, right? So they were now in their in their 40s. And in the car ride home, I said, dad, who was that? And he said, that was Brian Cunningham. I haven't seen him since we were in the South Pacific together in 1944. And I just thought these were grown men. All of the adults in our lives had stories that were told in three very specific acts. Something happened to them before the war. Something happened to them after the war. But when they would say, well, you know, that was during the war, a time of stasis in which they had no idea how long World War II was going to last. There were jokes. Golden Gate in 48, you know, going to be fine in 49 in civilian shoes in 52. That's how long they thought it was going to last on. And as late as 1947, right here in New York City, out in the shipping lanes that were becoming into the harbor long before you could even see the Statue of Liberty as late as 1947, shiploads of Americans were coming back because they were the they were in the war for the duration plus six months. Right. There was a huge sign that said, welcome home, job well done in 1947. So I can't I am just I always turn that again. And despite the fact that America still was a superly flawed country, that was an example of us becoming a more perfect union. And the best thing I could say about it is mercy. Where was mercy in World War II? Where was it? It didn't exist. No, it did exist. Mercy was granted upon the surrender of the vanquished. We we we conquered no territory. We did not we not we didn't even ask reparations from them. We said to the vanquished in Germany and in Japan in the Far East. All right, that was then this is now the only thing that we acquire of you is to go on and guarantee your people the freedoms of speech, religion, assembly and the press. And they did as opposed to the rest of the happen. So there you go. All right. That's it. And I'm going to type that up. What I just said on some stations. Did you ever hear Eric Severides famous piece about the war and where the war happened? I did not. But oh, Severide, who is evidently a Prince of Ophela, a Severide who was in, I think, like Burma in that area, reporting on that. He said it's harrowing this message. It brings back to the mothers and the fathers and the girlfriends and the wives and everything. He said, you will not you you you will never know what happened because the war happened inside of your husband. Look at look at what we just saw in that goofy little clip, by the way, hilarious. Good introduction. You are just somebody who lives in Poland and you know this is going to happen. And what did you do on the way home from work today? I actually I was I helped dig ditches in order maybe to keep the tanks out of out of Warsaw. So it comes down to it all is down to a vision of personally what are what are we willing to do in order to in order to protect the the morals that our country is based on. All right, thank you. You as everybody knows starred in one of the biggest and most praised World War Two movies of all time, Saving Private Ryan. That's true. Steven Spielberg is going to be here next Tuesday. Talk about disclosure day. Here are the two of you right there. Shooting Omaha Beach. Yeah, we are on over. Yeah, we were giving you a note of some kind. Okay, here's I believe this is what Steven was saying. Look, you got to run right through there. You got to get up there. But whatever you see those red flags, those little red flags, those are the air mortars. And so they're going to be going off. So don't step on where the red flags are because those air mortars are going to explode. You can get hurt. I mean, you can break your leg or something can get in your eye. So whatever you do, avoid those red flags because those are the air mortar special effects, explosive special effects that are part of the shot. So avoid those red flags is what Steven is saying. And just before and we're rolling and what happened, the special X crew came and removed all the red flags. So we are going and if you watch the movie, there's a moment where something very hot lands on my neck. And for the rest of the movie, I have this little burn scar right here. Wow. And by neck for the rest of the film. Yeah. Because they removed the red flags. I'll ask him about it. Literally. I will play this clip for him when he was here on this day. What are you, Tom? Tom. Don't run here. Don't. Don't run here. Air mortar. Shoot your three feet in the sky. Don't run by right here. Ready and action. That's what I'm doing. So speaking as an advocate, as an advocate for the best, you got a coffee here that benefits a veteran's charity. Tell me about the coffee. Well, it's based on Newman's own. I worked with Paul Newman at the time he was doing it. He has these great products that he loves and all the money goes to his hole in the wall gangs for sick kids. We have done the same thing for the veterans communities. Great. Now here's the deal. Quality stuff. Let's try it out. Here's the deal. Well, okay. I believe that's grounds. That's all right. That's not instant coffee. That's all. Yeah, but a little pinch between your cheek and gum. Gives you full coffee flavor without lightening up, Tom. It tastes good, but I have a, it might be disappointing for the band, guys. These are legal addictive stimulants. Oh man. No fun. No fun. I know you're all holding, but honestly, nothing, you cannot, anyway. And they, you deal with like chemists and stuff in order to, and I have a special blend called Tom's Morning Joe, I think is what it's called. And it's got a little oval teen in it. It's got a little whisp of oval teen because all kids love oval teen. They've got oval teen. I actually come with a secret Dakota. Well, it's almost like that. They said, would you, and they said the folks found that their coffee business, which is fascinating to have coffee. They said, really, you want, you want a little oval teen in there? I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we get it? They said, well, we could get malt. Yeah. But you, you have this in your coffee. I said, yes, I do. And they made it for me. And once again, guys, a legal addictive stimulant. Okay. All right. Is that all right? Tom Hanks having oval teen in his coffee is almost a caricature of Tom Hanks at this point. Hey, let's, let's do something right now. Okay. Let's make it easier for whatever PA has to be waiting for you nervously when with your coffee on the first day on set, whatever next movie you're doing right now. What should this PA have right? What's what's Tom Hanks coffee order? Well, I'm going to say a pour over coffee. The grounds is like filter like filter. Like you like the paper thing. It takes a while for it to dribble down and then half whole milk. I'm sorry. There's no such thing as almond milk. There is. I understand that I am a guy that I could, it's like, it's like, just because it's white doesn't mean it's, it's milk. Because I know people that will, there will be, what, I'm going to put paint in my coffee. It's white. You know, so anyway, so I put, I put whole milk and little, little, little teaspoon of, of, of oval teen if I don't have my, my morning job. Speaking of, and by the way, and I'm boom for the rest of the day. One cup. That's right. One cup. That's it. Two cups. Okay. Speaking of great Tom Hanks films, sleeplessness in Seattle was your first collaboration with Nora Affron. She said, and I love this quote, seems true. I want to know why you think so. You would have made the greatest park ranger in the history of national parks. Why do you think she described Tom Hanks that way? The fascination with minutiae. And I got to say when I was 13 years old, we were on a family vacation. My mom and I don't know some guy she was married to. I'm not a great guy, but we all, we all, we all went out. Is it fun? And there was a guy, we heard this thing. Hey campers, it's campfire time. And we all walked to a big bowl with a campfire with our flashlights and a guy with a smoky bear hat and a badge in a uniform. The whole bit held us in thrall for an hour talking about the history of the national park we're in. And so I'm 13 years old. I was just thinking, I want that guy's job. And I sort of have it so it all worked out okay. Sure. I've asked some musicians this. I've got like Bruce Springsteen top, you know, what are Bruce Springsteen's top five Bruce Springsteen songs? When? Like, yeah. What? When can, did he already do that? Cause I'd like to know what he's doing. We said it all on the show. He's checking out the show sometimes. It's pretty good. Now, you missed an episode? Are you saying you missed an episode of the show? If it's not encapsulated by the New York Times the next morning, I'm not really paying much attention to it. That's fair. We all do that. You know what I was thinking? So I'll ask you, Tom Hanks, does Tom Hanks have a list of Tom Hanks top five movies? Okay, no. Because like, but I can't name five good movies? No, I can name, I can name like three right away. I can name three. Okay, sure. But this actually comes down to moments that happen in the making of the movie. One was my very first movie, Ron Howard, it was called Splash, and it played murder. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Picked in the 90s. Thank you very much. He said, okay, you got the job, you're going to have to learn how to scuba dive. I said, what? I, you, this is like being on vacation. I get to, I have to learn how to scuba dive. Well, this is the greatest friggin job on the planet earth. Now that translated to me being dressed just like I am under 40 feet of water in the, with iron weights in my pants being towed into place by a safety diver. But you know, kind of like. But that, that's a pretty, that's a pretty fun job. Okay. Number two is we were making the Da Vinci code in Paris. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Nice. I had to, Audrey Tattoo and I had to run through the Louvre Museum, and I had to change into special shoes. And so I did so. I said, oh, Tom, there's an Apple Box and your shoes are in this other room. And so I'm going there and I sit on an Apple Box and surrounded by masterpieces and putting on these runnin' shoes. It's like, well, there's the Mona Lisa. How about that? Hey girl, what are you up to? What's that odd little smiley? And I'm there all by myself. Now what gig allows that? And okay, and then I will tell you this other amazing moment that I swear. This is absolutely 100% for him. Robert Einer, God bless his eternal memory. We worked with Nora Efron and Sleepless in Seattle. There is a, there is a, do you have the picture? We do actually. I was going to ask you about this. This is the, this is the famous Tiramisu. This is a Tiramisu. So Robert Einer and me, we're shooting it, we're shooting in Seattle. Now that's it. Okay. We got to know each other really well on this. And our kids were all about the same ages. So one day we go to, we say, hey, let's go to Disneyland. Let's get kids out of the house. And so we all drove in one car. Rob Michel, our kids, me and Rita. We drive to Disneyland and understand when you go to Disneyland, spend one hour for every year of age for your kids. So if your kids are seven, you stay there for seven hours. If your kids are 12, you stay there for 12 hours. Anyway, so we had a great day. And then they were driving home. And the last we left in the middle of the most hideous traffic that Los Angeles can allow. You could take the 10, the 110 to the 404, you are stuck in traffic. So we're on the 405, right? Literally. And we happen to be next to a bus, a commuter bus. And their job was to get people from the valley to LAX or from the LAX to the valley. We are right next to this bus for the longest time. And Rob was riding shotgun and I was driving. And we happen to notice that in this bus, because people are stuck on it for so long, they have TV monitors that play movies. I swear this is absolutely 100% true. And as we're going, I'm like, hey, look, they're playing movies. And then Rob says, I think that's sleepless in Seattle. And so I'm trying to get up as much as we can. And we're leaning over like this. And sure, we can see up in the window of this bus, our movie is playing on a TV screen right there. And not only that, Rob says, I think the Tiramisu scene is coming up. And I said, oh my God, you're right, because we did the thing first. And up on the screen in this bus, this scene is playing. Right? And then Rob says, oh my God, that's a Tiramisu. So I start honking the horn. And there's a guy that is watching the movie like this. Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. And Rob, and I go, oh, that's us. We're right there. We're on the bed of this guy that is absolutely as surreal a moment as you could possibly have. That is absolutely true of what happened on that. Wow. You know what? You should be a park ranger. You tell a great story, Mr. Hanks. Well? Now, they wrapped us a long time ago. I'm sorry. I wish some of this could have made it to air. But before we go, I have been warned that you have something in a box back there. I have no idea what this is about. I know it's my birthday. It is your birthday. Is it more paper? Well... Did I just... I didn't mean to... You are close. It is, but yet, what makes this box of paper special for your birthday? Open it and find out. All right? Drums! For your birthday, Stephen Colbert, I have for you, Dot Matrix Paper! Is this for an Okidata? Okidata? Thank you so much. Very kind. I understand that this is great paper that is always connected. All you have to do is remove this, isn't it? Yes, the purple one comes up inside. Now, do you mind wondering what the heck are you going to do with such a thing? This is all connected. It's like three miles of paper. It is. There's nothing hidden underneath it. This is, in fact, he is a man of his word. Yeah, exactly right. Now, this is paper. It's not enough to have great paper. You need a tool with which to use that paper. And you're going to be doing some serious resume writing and what have you. And so Stephen Colbert, for your birthday, I would like to present, via the Hankettes, Happy Birthday Stephen Colbert! Thank you girls! Shall I? Go ahead. Go ahead. Now, Stephen, this is not just a typewriter. It's a mid-century portable typewriter made by the Underwood Corporation. It is not just an Underwood. It is the Underwood Ace Model, A-C-E. Which means, should you ever want to take on the mantle of a cub reporter, what better name than Ace Underwood cub reporter? So, you can get typing, and as long as you have an idea in your head, you can just type and type and type. Let's say, for example, you got an idea that you've got to get down and it's 47 pages long. You know what would help you with that? Just like Jack Kerouac wrote on the road with, perhaps some addictive stimulants could get you through that. And so, between that typewriter, this paper and Hank's Coffee, you are on your way. There you go. What is it? Thank you, Tom. Tom Hanks, everybody. Powerful, compact purification. That's quiet.