Reaching Your Breaking Point | Girls Gone Bible

Hi guys, I'm Ange and I'm Ari and this is Girls Gone Bible. We are a faith-based podcast where we talk all things. Spirituality, mental health, the Bible. We love Jesus so much here. He is the center of everything for us. So if you're here and you're new, just know that we love you so much and we always say come as you are, just don't stay that way. But Jesus, invade your life and change everything. We're just going to get into it today. So maybe we'll call this episode addressing what happened or something like that. Guys, you guys know Ari and I have been on tour now for a year and a half. Yeah. Lath, this past weekend we had our LA show. It was our 41st. 42nd, right? I think it was our 41st. So ever, 41 different cities that we've done 41 nights of me and Ari preaching the gospel on stage for two hours. Has a lot of you guys know Ari and I are completely new to this, completely new to ministry. Neither of us have ever done anything like this before and we were thrown into ministry. Not knowing what we were doing and not really being, not really equipped for any of it, just always trying to be faithful to what God spoke over us and it was just talk about me, tell people about me, pray for healing, tell them your test, tell your story and about what I did in your lives. So we've been doing that for a year and a half and this past weekend we had a situation. It was our biggest night. It was our LA show. It was the last one of the year. We have been so excited for the LA show, right? We are from LA. We've lived in LA for a long time. This was something we were so excited for and we had a little bit of a situation where we began the night, both of us were on stage and I ended up having to get off stage. And so this is going to be an episode where we just get really, really vulnerable and kind of let you guys in on what happened and speak specifically as well to the 1200 people that were there that night, that bought tickets, that flew from different parts of the country or maybe even different countries who came to see both of us and yeah, we'll get into it. All right, guys, real talk. I love the holidays but they do not always bring out the best version of my hormone health. The colder weather, the travel, eating things I don't normally eat late nights early mornings. It's like my body goes girl. We are in a different schedule right now. One week I'm fine and the next week my skin is freaking out. I'm exhausted and my mood is probably unpredictable. But here's the thing, it doesn't have to be like that. I started using something that has genuinely helped me feel steady even during the busiest most chaotic time of the year and that's glow by beam. I love beam products. 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Long story short, I've been walking through some things in my personal life that I wish I could share with you guys. But the reason I love you all so much is because you're all so respectful of our privacy and like, you guys are just so good about not pressuring us to talk about things that we aren't ready or comfortable talking about. But I've been just walking through a lot in my personal life. And the last month, Ari and I have had to do, not have had to do. We've gotten to do a lot of ministry. We've been on tour finishing off the tour trying to finish the tour off really strong. And I've been walking through a lot. Ari's been walking through a lot as well. And I'm learning so much. I'm learning so much about myself. I'm learning so much about Jesus. I think I've probably hid behind a mask of like being strong for a long time. And it's a beautiful thing to be a strong person. And then it's also really hard when you don't feel strong. And so last Saturday, we have our LA show and my mom and sister-in-law came into town. And the night before the LA show, I went to go get a spray tan actually. And on my way back, I was having just a lot of anxiety. And it was different than anything I've ever experienced before. I could tell that I was beginning to have probably like a nervous breakdown. I just felt my nervous system shutting down. It was different from anxiety. And why is this so emotional? Because it is. And so I'm like on my way back. I literally feel from the Lord. Like I feel him release me. And not only just say that I don't have to do the show, but that I shouldn't. Like I feel God like releasing me from it. And we've never, we've canceled shows before because of like a health situation. But we did it kind of like a week prior. So it was a little different circumstance. Like this was the night before. We already had all of our tour team flown in. It was like a whole situation and I got home and I'm talking to my mom and sister in law and I'm telling them what's happening. And I'm like, I have to cancel the show. Like we have to cancel it. And the beautiful thing and the difficult thing about being a strong person is everyone thinks that you can just do it. And you can, if you're somebody who powers through everything, everyone's just like, you can do this. So I have my mom, my sister-in-law. We have Socrates, everybody within the goodness in their heart are all like, and you got this. It's all in your head. Like you got this. Everyone is encouraging me saying, Angela, you're the strongest person in the world. You can do this with your eyes closed like blah, blah. And I'm like, no guys, I think this is different. Like I don't, I don't think I, this is different. Like this isn't anything I've ever experienced before. And then so I'm like, okay, yeah, I can do it. I know the word, even if I don't feel, I've done many things and preached many times where I didn't feel good. Like I'm just a vessel. God fills me and then uses me. Like it's him. You know what I mean? Like, but I knew deep down in my heart. Like it wasn't right. And I woke up the next morning and I felt the exact same way. And I'm like having the same conversations, being like, guys, I don't feel good. Like I just know that something is going to happen. And I was like, I, and I said it from the morning, I was like, if I get on that stage, I'm going to have to walk off. Like I just know what I kept seeing it. Like I literally knew it was going to have to get off. And then so I'm starting to feel a little better during the day. But again, I don't know if anyone's ever experienced anything like this. I've had anxiety a lot in my life. I've had panic attacks. Something was different. Like my body was saying, stop. My body was saying no more. And I wasn't listening. And then we get to the venue and I'm not doing so well. And it's not even an outward expression of what's happening. It's just I'm like, I don't feel connected to myself right now. And so I tell Ari and my team, we have to cancel. And this is like an hour beforehand. We have to cancel. Like absolutely doesn't matter that we're here. It doesn't matter that people are on their way like we can cancel. And then I get on the phone with some people who encouraged me again out of the goodness of their hearts. This is why you listen to Jesus. You know what I mean? It's nobody's like everybody. You know yourself. You know when something's not right. So I get encouraged again. And I'm like, yeah, of course I can do this. Like what are we talking about? Ari and I go out on stage and immediately I'm like, I can't even fully explain what I felt other than I was just afraid. Like I was afraid. I was like, this is not safe for me, for my mental health. Being in front of 1200 people when I feel like this right now. The lights, the loud microphone. Like I'm so overstimulated. It wasn't panic. It was like shut down. Like my body after a month of like doing so much and running so hard and probably suppressing a lot and just powering through like I do my whole life. And like I know how to do. My body literally said that's it. That's literally it. We're not. We're done. And so we're out on stage and we started. Before worshipping, I'm like before we went out, I told Ari, like just letting you know, I'm going out there. I think I'm going to have to leave during worship. And I'm sure Ari probably was just like what? Like that doesn't even, that's not even real. That's not, can't be the case. We finished worship and I went to go read the Bible on stage. I couldn't even like see the word, like I literally couldn't see the Bible. I was reading it and I was so dizzy and so overstimulated. And I was like on the verge of, I don't know what was going to happen. But I knew I had to get off stage. Like there was, and it wasn't even a situation where I could like, I'm just going to be vulnerable and like let you guys all into it. It wasn't like a ministry moment like that. It was like Angela, get off. This is God's not never asking you to do something like this. And so on there and Ari talks for a little bit and then she stops talking and I'm just like, I just looked out to the beautiful 1200 people who came there and I'm just so sorry to every single person that bought a ticket to come and be with us because this is so not something that should ever happen. And I just said like, guys, I'm so sorry. I love Jesus and I love his words so much, too much to where I don't feel responsible to teach or preach or lead a room of people right now. Like, it's not safe for me. I'm going through a lot in my personal life and I have literally nothing to give. And I'm just so sorry. Like I am so, so sorry. And then I hugged Ari and I walked off stage and I could barely see and I was, I barely even remember this moment and we'll get to your part are. And so yeah, I just wanted to come first of all say, I'm so, so deeply, deeply sorry for every person that was there who came and got a ticket and then I ended up not being what you thought it would be. I've learned so much in this situation. You did learn so much in this situation. Yeah. And I'm just going to say that as your best friend, like you are so strong and you have always power through even when you're just in a pit, you will always power through for everyone and you'll just keep going and you'll put your head down and you keep going. And so even though that was such a moment for you where it felt like defeat in that moment, I know you look back and you felt such peace because you did what God told you to do, which is do not keep going. To see you with the strength on that stage to come on there and to be so honest and vulnerable was probably that was probably the strongest I have ever seen you. In a moment where you thought that was your weakest, that was probably the strongest I've ever seen you to be so honest and real and vulnerable. I love you. And I'm really proud of you. Thanks. Yeah. Like if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if I can like, I know the word, like I can craft a message on the, like, there's so many things that I can fall back on and rely on and I just am not a quitter. I'm not the type of, like I'm just, it's, it has been, it was truly one of the most humbling moments of my life to be like, oh my gosh, like, I don't have anything to give. And I like, an old version of me, I mean, not that I had a choice because I had no choice. I couldn't stay out there if I tried. I would have passed out in like 30 seconds. I could barely talk. I was, it was not good. And to do that in front of 1200 people. In the past, I probably would have been like so humiliated. I know. And so embarrassed. I know. And as painful as it is, it's like just sad as it is. I'm like, no, I'm embarrassed at all. I'm like, I don't, I just, I think when you pray prayers, like Lord, humble me, like this is unfortunately the stuff that happens. And this is just like a beautiful breaking moment for me where like any bit of performance or image, you know, is just cracked open. And yeah, I think even like my presence in ministry or our presence in ministry, like being in any industry, but especially in ministry, there's this like performance aspect in this like perfectionist image, upholding at like element where like if you lead people like you're meant to be perfect and strong. And I can fall into that sometimes where even in my personal life, if I'm going through something, I will feel like a fraud when I come on the podcast because I'm like, how can I lead people when I haven't figured it out. And I think God's just like breaking that in me completely. I love Jesus so much. And I love his people and I want to be someone who like walks in the power of the authority of Jesus and evangelize and bring millions of people to Jesus. And I'm just a human who is like trying to figure it out and gets it wrong a lot, you know. Yeah. And I think that moment of you being so human and showing people like, I have Jesus, but I'm broken right now. I'm going through things. It's difficult. Like that was such a human moment of I can imagine people feeling so seen in that moment being like, wow, she's going through it too. Yeah, totally. You know what I mean? Absolutely. And so I say that to say that like, you know, watching watching you and even even what things that I've been walking through lately has opened my eyes to be like, you know, just because we have Jesus like doesn't move. Jesus like doesn't mean we have to have it all together. No, just because we have Jesus doesn't mean that we can't have a therapist or be on medication or just feel like we're drowning sometimes. And I think a lot of people throw in the towel and they give up because they're like, he must be so far away from me. Yeah. Like, does he not hear me? Did I do something wrong? What did I do to deserve this? And you feel so alone and you feel like I have to, you know, just yeah, it just it's such a reminder that we go through stuff that seems unbearable sometimes. Yeah, this is a human experience and it doesn't make you an adequate or doesn't mean that Jesus is far from you because, you know, you're drowning. You can't think straight. You're in a depression that you feel like you can't get out of. And so I even watching you, I just felt I felt seen too. Like wow, she's she's having a human moment. And I think Christianity can sometimes feel so polished. Like so cookie cutter. Like I have Jesus, everything is okay. Like no, sometimes it isn't okay. Sometimes you have to have to have people come around you and hold you and you have to feel and you can't think straight. And sometimes it's weeks of just feeling down and out and it takes time. And so yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right. And I'll so just say that like coming from a person who has felt like limitless in a sense, like I just am like you can do anything. You just get through it. You just power through it. Whatever, like just feeling a limitless. I just want to encourage every single person who has that sort of mentality. Like you do have a limit. I have a limit. We all have a limit. And there's just a difference between powering through and doing hard things and then stopping when God is asking you to stop. And oftentimes he's asking you to stop by means of your body saying stop. And like we have to take care of ourselves and we have to be honest about where we are. And we have to be like just really transparent and aware of ourselves because I've never reached a point of, I don't know if it was burnout or just stress overload. But like I've never reached a point like that before. And it was like an eye opener for me where I'm just like I'm actually not limitless and I have to take care of myself. And I am not going to just power through in ministry and be like press and suppress. And I feel like that's what happens to like it makes so much sense why in local churches, you're typically taken off platform when you're going through major life difficulties or transitions. But like you and I are the we run our ministry. Nobody's above like we have to decide when we stop or when we pause or you know, yeah, it was. It was a lot and I'll and I'll also say now like one of the most difficult parts about it was it's not just me up there. It's me and Ari and. I mean, I didn't even I could have come up with a plant like I didn't even know my own name, you know what I mean, there was no I had no ability to come up with a plan or try to set you up what like there was I was. I just needed to get off that stage as quickly as possible before something happened and unfortunately and the hardest part for me of all of it is I left my best friend and my ministry partner on the stage and that was intense and I'll let you talk about that. I just want to say regardless. I'm just going to say we watched Ari pick it up and reach out that stage like. It's you guys don't understand we watched Ari. Take over and accomplish something that is like absurd. For Ari to be in that position and regardless of whether I told her or not to be completely taken off guard and then like what on earth do I do now in this situation she's never been in before to handle it like a boss the way she did. I'll let you talk about it, but I am so impressed and everyone that I've spoken to about it is so impressed it's insane. Okay, so you guys know my life is chaotic. 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Yeah, so I mean, even as we talk about it, I mean, it was really, it was something that has taken me, what has it been three or four days to try to grasp and understand. And, you know, Angela is just, she's like my other half. And so to see her in that state, my nervous system wasn't a complete state of shock. I know we had to get on stage and lead you guys. And so it was like an hour before the show. And just I didn't know just trying to take care of Angie. My whole nervous system was in a state of shock. This was one of the biggest nights, like you said. And then when we were behind the curtain, I knew that you weren't okay. So then you got off stage and I was going through so much in my mind of my nervous system was in a complete state of shock. I didn't, there was so much that happened in that hour and then in that moment that I was trying to, like, do you guys know when you're in shock and your mind can't catch up with. You're just trying to, like, you don't have time to think you don't know what's going on. So your, your body is just my nervous system, which is in such shock. And then I was so blessed to have my friend Scott come up and it was a moment where I had, when Angela had got off stage, I looked down and I literally said it was like my Moses moment. And it was so funny that we just had this episode and I'm like, you are qualified. You can't do it. God pushed me. And I'm telling you, I had a moment where I said, God, I don't know if I can do this right now. I mean, honestly, you guys, this is my first, I didn't know that I could lead 1200 people by myself. I didn't have anything planned. So this was incredibly terrifying for me. And I remember looking down and being like, God, I don't know if I can do this. And I just felt him be like, go. Like I'm with you. Like I just felt him. And I was so blessed to have my friend Scott there who I had come because he was going to pray over people at the end. And so I had him come up and he talked to you guys for a little bit and as he was talking, I just took that couple of moments to get my thoughts together. And as soon as I got my thoughts together, I was like, okay, I'm ready. And I think he was about to pray. And I didn't even hear him say that. And so I don't know. I think I might have taken the microphone from him before it was about to pray. I didn't, I was just trying to survive in that moment and get myself together. And I didn't even hear what he was saying. And so I don't want you guys to think that I just took the microphone from him right before he was going to pray. I was myself trying to get myself together. The scripture, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me really came alive for me that night because I just, yeah, I, it was crazy. I don't know. I did the whole show by myself, but I realized that I wasn't by myself on there because you guys were with me. And I'm just so, I just love you guys so much. I felt so, I felt so seen and so loved by you guys. And I love you guys so much. You have no idea. I kept looking at you guys. And I'm just like, wow, I kept hearing one girl say you got this R a I know that you guys probably wanted nothing more than an inch to be there. So I, through all that being said, I just want to apologize to and I thank you for. For just being patient with me and sitting with me through that. I know, I know all that happening couldn't have been easy for you guys. I'm sure you guys were in a state of show. Yeah, honestly, you guys were not expecting that. And it's John. It's no matter why it like no matter how you guys were so supportive, but I know how hard that was and you guys were probably just trying to get your head straight to seeing all that happen and seeing and so hurt like that. I'm sure that was just so hard for you guys. And so, yeah, I've just for a couple days, I've been feeling so many things too. And so I just thank you. Thank you for understanding and thank you for sticking with me through that whole show and supporting me and being my best friend. She crushed it. I really appreciate it. I know that was so hard for you. And I know that you know, I would never leave you and I would never abandon you on a stage. I would never like she would never I would never. I mean, that's probably been one of the most terrifying things for me. Not only did I leave her, I don't want anyone to think I left her. You know what I mean? That was no one thinks that. No one. I think everyone was so. Everyone said they were like, I am this is strength. I'm so proud of you. So she was getting off stage and I go, no, no, no, no. I was like, no, no, no, no. Like I was I felt like I was in a fever dream. Like there was so much going on. I couldn't believe it. I go, no, no, no. And she goes, you got this. I see Angela walk off and I go, I see 1200 people in front of me and I'm like, oh my gosh, but it was one of those moments that it's like, God is with you. Yeah. Like even if you're afraid, do it, even if you have questions, do it. And step by step, he just kept walking with me and helping me and it was, you know, I that that was such a crazy moment and night. But through that, I mean, I learned a lot. It helped me step out. It helped me know that I am not, you know, I've dealt with feeling disqualified for so long. And so I think that was a moment for me too. I've got to be in like, no, you can, you can. And you can too. Anyone who's scared, you can too. God is with you in these moments where you're scared or you don't think you're qualified or you don't think you can do it. He's he's he really does walk through those moments with you when you lean on him and keep asking Lord, just be with me in this moment. Help me through this moment. So I'm so proud of you. I couldn't be more proud of you. Everyone who's there was so proud of you. Me and my mom were backstage after it happened. And we're just listening to you and both have tears in our eyes. And I'm just like, I'm having an out of body experience because I'm like, why am I not there? What's happening right now? It was such a we it was just a swirl. It was just like, but me and my mom had tears in our eyes being like, are you kidding me? Look at her. Like are you my mom was crying being like, I'm so proud of her. And LA is it can be a lot of it was one of the weirdest I like truly guys. There's spiritual warfare all the time, right? Like an aren't I probably at the beginning of girls gone Bible paid a little more attention to spiritual warfare than we do. Like we still are aware of spiritual warfare, but we just spend more time loving Jesus than we do fighting demons. And so we've been to cities like I remember Salt Lake City was really dark and a lot of oppression and push back. Whenever we're on the East Coast, it's hard. LA was one of the darkest most oppressive ministry nights that we've ever had to do a week leading up to it. I mean, I truly can't explain to you guys what we were experiencing both of us and like I'm walking through stuff, but like even Ari was going it was we it was a lot. It was a lot. And so weird things even happen. It was just it was just a lot. It was an interesting night. I think we're still trying to recover from it and just trying to rest and get our heads on straight because it was a lot that took place and spiritually. There was a lot happening and. Yeah, this just goes to show and truthfully, our United's been three years. God has done so much in and through us and girls gone Bible has exploded and become such a beautiful place for people to come and know Jesus. And amazing what's happened and we love our GGB being so much and we just want to be with you guys and be talking to you guys and make videos for you guys and really set like. But we haven't taken a break in three years. We've taken one week off of the episode in almost three years and people typically do seasons for podcasts, not us. Here we are every week you guys you know what I mean people typically do. And so yeah, I think that there's maybe got to be like a pace change for us as well. I was led to Isaiah 43 today. So I just wanted to read it to you guys. And it's. I think it's so good for people that are struggling right now with mental health, weariness, feeling like you're drowning, feeling like you're never going to come out of what you're in right now. Feeling like God has abandoned you. This is one of my favorite scriptures and I like to read it over myself when I'm struggling so much in my mind and when I'm in such a trial. Isaiah 43 verse two it says do not be afraid for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up. The flames will not consume you for I am the Lord your God, the holy one of Israel, your savior. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored and I love you. Do not be afraid for I am with you. It doesn't mean that we're going to go through seasons that it's always going to be flowery and okay, but he promises us is that when we go through these trials, we are not alone that he's with us, that we will not drown, that we will not burned up, that it will not consume us. It he is with us in in due time, he will get us out. I just love how he reminds us because sometimes we need to we need to be reminded how loved we are and how precious we are in seasons where we feel rejected and we feel worthless, we feel like we're never going to get out of trial that we're in. It's through these rivers of difficulty. It's through these seasons where we can't see that light at the end of the tunnel is we know Jesus as our father and our savior, the one who rescues us. If somebody is dealing with mental health, he is with you, he loves you, you are precious to him and he's using everything you're going through right now to build you and to strengthen you and to perfect your character and through that you will be a witness to him. You are his servant, he loves you and he's going to use it to shine his glory through you. And so hang on, you will not drown, he loves you and he's with you and you will get through this. It's beautiful. Yeah, guys, we love you so much. We really, really do. I love you so much. Thank you to everyone who's been so kind and thank you to everyone who you guys are all that's why I love being a Christian and that's why I love having a Christian podcast because you guys are the most understanding compassionate, grace filled people and again, I'm so sorry for what happened and I'm also just like, we're all in this together, you know, and yeah, this is life. This is real life. This is one like every bit of performance or image preservation breaks off. We all go through things. What I've learned the most, I think what's been interesting for me is like, I've like been through so much in my life that I'm like, well, you know, you go, I feel like as a Christian, sometimes you think you should have like you've arrived somewhere and you've overcome all these things and you'll never have like once you've been broken, God won't surely have to break you again, you know, and what I've learned is that's not the truth, you know, like I think we will find a way to get through this. Like I think we will forever be broken and crushed so that God could, you know, can over and over and over again form us. And I think it's just like a really humbling situation to reach a breaking point in a way. And so just know I'm walking through this all with you guys where I know what it's like to even be going through something and see things from the past. Like old coping mechanisms or old habits or old ways of thinking things in which you've been delivered from and you're freed from and you've been free and you're like, oh my gosh, how am I thinking like that again? How am I, how am I doing that again? Why is so just know that life is insane and being a Christian is a mess sometimes and it's really messy. And so I just hope that anybody walking through anything, I just hope you know that like being messy is normal. I know what it's like to be messy. I feel pretty messy right now. And it's okay. It's okay. Like it really is okay. And if you have ever seen Ariana in a way that is like idolatrous in any way like, oh, were these perv, I don't anyone actually think that but if for some reason anyone has ever looked at us like these big powerful women of God who are cleaned up and got it together. Guess what? We are just like you. We are all children of God being sanctified, transformed, renewed, restored back into the image of God. Every single one of us going through the same thing. We are we are all so much more similar than we think we're all in the same process of sanctification and crushing and rebuilding every single one of us. So I hope that makes you feel so much less alone that literally everything you're going through is something that we have to go through as well. It looks different. We're all unique individuals, but every single one of us are going through something and God in all of our situations has the same intention to make us more like Jesus and to bring us closer into his heart. So and it's a lifelong journey. Yeah, literally. So we love you guys so much. We thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. Thank you for being our people. May the Lord bless you and keep you. Make He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. Make He turn His face towards you and give you peace. Shalom, Shalom. We love you.