Welcome, welcome, welcome. It's just another beautiful day to break some cognitive distortions. How's it going y'all? My name is Suzanne M. Swain, EDS, LMSW. I am a child therapist as well as a master K-12 teacher. And I'm here today to talk to you about masculinity. Now, that may seem a little weird considering I'm female, but I will tell you that I even had a class in college on the history of masculinity with Dr. Paula Hinton at Tennessee Tech. So I'm really excited to talk to you about some concepts that have to do with raising young men in today's society and to talk to you a little bit about how to reach their heart and how to try to help them emotionally open up and feel a little bit more safe. So a couple of announcements. First off, I wanted to thank you all for your comments about how much you enjoy the last episode. Sorry for the sound quality. I got a new vehicle. I now have a sous-baru. I got a sous-baru and I still have the Civic, love the Civic, but was able to level up. Thank you to my grandmother, God rest her soul. So thanks, Grant. Appreciate you. And anyway, so I'm on fall break. I've taken a little bit of time to work on helping out my kiddos at the schools. And I really want to talk to you all about masculinity today and talk to you about adolescence and how we can help our boys feel safe. So like I said, I feel like this is a really important topic because guys are kind of my favorite population to work with because I feel like much of the communication that they do is nonverbal. And I love nonverbal communication because it's really 80% of the communication that we offer other people. So, you know, folks, think about it. You know, what is your nonverbal self saying and what is your verbal self saying? You know, there are shows like poker face where the main character played by Natasha Leon love her. She can tell if people are lying. Well, so can I. So can anyone. You watch their body language. There are several tells. So it's very important to try to think about what can we do to read tells from guys. And one of the biggest things that I find is just presenting yourself without judgment. You know, that is one of the biggest things that I hear from my students from the past, former eighth graders. That's the one thing they say they liked about school. And it was mostly my guys who said this. They said that there wasn't judgment and there wasn't an expectation to perform at super high levels just to meet them where they are and accept them for who they are. And isn't that scary? Like they'd be like, wow, that's all they want. You know, that's all somebody wants. And I'm not generalizing about all men or anything like that. But, you know, it's got to be hard to grow up as a guy and to feel like, you know, you have to be a breadwinner. You have to be. You have to be this. You have to be that. Now, you know, women, on the other hand, of course, you know, we grow up with, you know, you, you have to be twice as good as everybody else as, as men. You have to be, you know, you have to do 16 things at once and be able to do it all with a smile on your face and looking good. Now, on the flip side with men, men are expected to be strong and, and, you know, to protect people and think, well, who protects them? What do they do when they're scared? What about them? That's a thing. And I think as women, sometimes we really need to work on accepting guys for, for that and to say, you know, you guys need a hug too. What about your hugs? What about, you know, not to be a what about ism or anything, but what about the nurturing of the little soul inside of that guy? Now, I was watching a show called Winter Lose that's on Disney Plus. Really interesting. It's about the fourth episode I want to say. And it's about a little guy that plays, they're playing softball and he's the pitcher and he has a crush on this little girl Taylor. But it's really neat because it jumps into his inner child self and it's like, I just want you to like me. Please don't hate me. You know, it's all this like, wow. You know, I don't know that I was so concerned about things like that. I was just concerned about, you know, basic stuff. I didn't know that, you know, some men are just like, please just, I just want to be liked. I just want to be accepted. One tell is that, you know, men of this age, especially during adolescence, you know, you're, of course, you're extremely sensitive during this time of life, but like things like your hair, guys in their hair, I had no, y'all, I had no idea. Men in their hair, it's like a, it is a thing. I mean, I know men love to go to the barber shop and things as they get older and whatnot, but men of this age, I had a little, little guy that I had to meet him in his car and bring hair gel because he refused to go into the school and he wouldn't let anyone see him like that. But, you know, God forbid that, you know, anyone find out about that or anything else that they obviously would, but, you know, they're very, at this age, they're very, very concerned with their self image in comparison to others. What they're wearing, what kind of shoes they wear, especially their hair, things like that. And I think it's very important to not negate any of that, to justify that they have a right to want to feel comfortable in their own skin and want to create their own sense of identity, which women are able to do really easily through fashion and things like that, but men also take that just as seriously. And I, I don't know, I wonder how strongly men feel that sense all the time of, do I have to look right? Do I have to, but it's funny because men look in the mirror so much more than I think women do. It's really interesting. Men are sensitive. Men, you know, adolescent boys, young men, they, they want to be good. They want to be strong and they want to be someone who helps. And one thing that I find about adolescent young men is that we forget how charitable adolescents can be. Young men of this age will do anything to help somebody. You know, it's really interesting. They're, the sense of community service is really important. And that's where like things like the scouts and karate can be a really great way to deal with, you know, focusing that energy. And one of the things that is a big issue with young men can be anger. And I think that we misunderstand anger sometimes, but anger just means that you are really passionate about something. It means you care. So when men instantly may jump to anger, and of course women as well, but we're just speaking about men right now, but when men jump to being extremely angry when confronted on something, it means that they're very passionate about it and have to gather their thoughts. And sometimes we don't teach like we do to females, we don't teach males how to control their anger and refocus it. But anger is a great thing because anger makes you do things. Anger is a verb word because it makes you want to get active and have a sense of purpose. Without anger, we don't have a sense of purpose. You know, something's got to tick you off to make you want to fix it. And since men are kind of raised to be fixers, anger is something that kind of falls in line with that because it's like, oh, that makes me so mad. I'm going to go fix it. How many times have we heard something like that? So it gets rid of the anger to have a quick conclusion to things. So that's something we need to remember is that sometimes a quick conclusion to something that's going on is good. So in other words, to those of you who may not be understanding what I'm saying is that sometimes men need to have something that can be fixed quickly, easily, and be done with it. You know, not to rehash it, but just to have it move on, get going. They say that women's prisons are so much more dangerous than men's because women tend to not give up on things. But men's prisons, they tend to, you know, fight it out or whatever they're going to do. And then that's it's over. That's it. So, you know, I don't think that men are that easily understood that, oh, we'll just go beat each other up and that'll be all. You know, violence is never, ever, ever the answer. So young guys out there, young folks out there, you know, hitting somebody is not the answer to your problems. You need to use your words and, you know, maybe write a letter or something like that. But if anger becomes something that is part of your adolescence life, consider something like karate, consider something like the martial arts or even, you know, yoga, things like that. But definitely think about martial arts as something that could help to bring self-control. We need to teach self-control to our adolescent boys because of things like anger or sadness or not trusting themselves or doubting themselves. I had a lot of my young guys who were into sports and they were really good at sports, but I taught writing and, you know, writing a one-page paper to them was just terrifying. And I was like, come on guys, you know, you can't play in the game tonight if you don't write your paper. And they're like, no, please don't make me. And expressing their feelings was part of the assignment. And they just, they didn't want to open themselves up like that. And I was like, well, what is the problem? Like, I'm not trying to like pry into your life and the topics weren't anything like, you know, getting into group therapy or anything. I was just like, you know, tell me about an experience that made you really happy, you know, something like that. And they just, like, they couldn't do it because they were so afraid to emotionally open up to others for fear of judgment and fear that somebody was going to say that they're not good enough. So they just decided not to do it at all. Well, unfortunately, you know, those kinds of lessons where just I'm just not going to emotionally open up at all, that doesn't really teach a good lesson to our adolescent young men, because how are they supposed to create longstanding relationships with friends and eventually with partners, if they can't express when they're having emotional issues and anger is the most common one that'll pop up, because anger comes from self doubt and shame. You know, sometimes adolescent boys will put on this whole ego thing where it's like, oh, I'm holier now and, you know, you can't touch me and all this and they act like they're all that in a bucket of chicken and biscuits. But that's just a front. You know, people with the ego thing, they think that, you know, their word is the only word and so on and so forth. I get a lot of big egos and from both genders, but they're just talking about guys. So they're running the show. They may be the big sports people, you know, but the thing is, is that a lot of times the bigger the personality and the more they talk about their self worth, the less self worth they actually have. It's called projection, you know. So I find that those people that tend to tell everybody how great they are need convincing in themselves, right? So, you know, with those kind of folks, if you have that, I think it's important to understand that there may be a sense of shame that they feel that they aren't good enough. So creating a welcoming space to let men feel as though they have emotional security is even that much more important. And our young men need to understand that they need to open up and know that we're not going to slam the swift hand of wham down upon them for having an emotional reaction to something. Because if we don't help them to understand that it's safe as women, then how are young men and any men going to learn that they can trust us? You know, if we feel like a lot of my guys were like, you know, she was the only, you know, I saw a former student the other day and I was just blown away. Like I almost cried because he was just like, you know, oh, she made us feel so safe. And like that's, that was the big kicker for me. I made him feel safe. You know, and he went on and on. And it was so sweet, you know, like I was so blessed to be able to see him again and hear his thoughts on what class was like. But the main thing was is that he said he felt safe. So what makes you feel safe? Maybe try to think of like three things. What are three things that make you feel safe in your world? So with our young men, that's an important question to ask. And to give them that safe space is really, really key. I took a history of masculinity course and in college and it just, it was fascinating to me because of just the years and years of things piled on to men that, you know, you're a worker, you're this, you're that and your identity is defined by your career, which is isn't the case. But with men, generally, that's the first thing they'll say, you know, what do you do? Well, what are you worth? Or what happened to you? I still think that's the probably one of the best questions that you can ask somebody is what happened to you? How'd you get here? How'd you get from point A to point B? And the trauma that someone goes through is the strength. That's where you learn. That's the learning engagement part. You know, the triumphs and the trophies are nice to talk about, but where did you climb out of to get to this point where you're as strong as you are? So I think it's really important also to compliment and to build up someone's emotional self worth, no matter who you are. But certainly with my adolescent guys, because I never felt like they got a lot of praise. And if they did, it was from maybe a coach. But women didn't tend to praise my guys from what I noticed, like in the hallways and things, it was like the guys were always getting in trouble. Well, you know, maybe they're they mean, there's a lot of energy, things like that. But men speak a different love language than women do. And men should not be held to the same standard. However, you know, I don't stand with boys will be boys either. Boys will be gentlemen, boys will be appropriate. I love some of these programs in the schools where they have, you know, young men, where they'll come in and wear like a suit and tie to class. I encourage some of my eighth graders once they they decided they were going to have one guy run for student council president. And so then he had secret service. So they would wear little suits to school and had little earpieces and stuff. And, you know, encourage them to dress up, you know, be silly. What about silliness? How often do you let your 13 year old guy just be a silly little goofball? You know, we all have a little inner child and things. But for some reason, we try to beat the kid out of men out of out of adolescent boys out of teenagers out of men. You know, where's the silly. But yet they, you know, a lot of them will play video games and things like that. And we get on to them about that. But I find that video games, for example, and I use it in my practice all the time is that video games let the brain decompress. It uses critical thinking to try to unwind from anxiety and the transition from anxiety back to imagination. For a lot of young men that I've talked to, video games are sometimes the best way because it's so immersive. So yes, the limiting game time, very important things like that. We don't want to go down rabbit holes here. But men decompress in different ways. Some need sports, they have to run it out and get those endorphins going where you get those happy brain highs. Some need to play video games. Some, you know, just like we do, you know, women have different ways like I like to garden. I love to cook. Cooking helps me decompress like crazy. I love it because it's so sensory. So whatever it takes, but maybe have a conversation with, you know, your your guy and say, Okay, give me three things that help you relax. And make sure they understand what the definition of relax is. Relax isn't still thinking about work. Relax isn't still thinking about the chores that need to be done. Or bills that need to be paid. We all just can take a step back and think about what really matters. And having good communication with those in our lives that maybe aren't as encouraged to communicate well, might be something we need to consider. And then we have a base, you know, when we're talking about guys, we also deal with things like ADHD, we're really quick to assign ADHD to men, where we don't necessarily look at that in women and autism, the spectrum, you know, men were studied for the longest time without even taking a look at women at all with autism. And just like autism is a spectrum, so is masculinity. And in taking that class, we talked about how at one point, you know, masculinity meant to be a warrior, then it meant to be a business person, then it meant to be, you know, president or what have you. And now that we see that the masculinity is changing, and we see that there is a high instance of, you know, things like violence, gun violence is most likely, unfortunately, perpetrated by men, young men, of a certain caliber. But why, you know, men are descending into violence. And that anger has taken over them and where they found their camaraderie online. You know, men used to get together for groups. You know, men used to do a lot more things together, like there was the men's lodge and this and that, and go bowling, and, you know, things like that where we had more camaraderie. But since COVID, it seems like we all kind of do our own thing now, and we don't get together in groups, you know. I encourage men and women, of course, to get together in as many social circles as you're, you know, you find able. But I think women, we tend to gravitate toward that anyway. But men have to schedule things. I met a guy the other day that he was 11, and he's like, I don't have any guys that like what I like. So I'm a lone wolf. No, man. But that's how you can radicalize somebody too. When you go online and you find other people that are like you, but maybe then you develop grievances. And that just snowballs. So I'm always all for monitoring what our kids are doing online and just ask them questions like, what are you doing? Let me watch with you. Can I play too? You know, to be part of that and to be part of their lives, I think a lot of guys also from what they have told me is that they wish that their families would ask them more about their video games and sit and play with them. So, chew on that. So maybe take a minute and you know, no matter who you are, but if you have an adolescent guy in your life, you know, maybe sit down with them and be like, Hey, let me let me play with you. Let me let me do this. And don't judge them. I hear a lot about nagging. Well, maybe it's not it's for your own good to do something and you have to get up and you know, do the laundry and take a shower and all those things, which they know, but they they're so sensitive sometimes to criticism that it's like, Oh, it's you're nagging me. Well, we're not nagging. We're trying to help. So sometimes it gets misconstrued. So perhaps we need to think about other ways of expressing ourselves that it doesn't seem as though we're attacking someone or criticizing them. You know, we can always change our wording. So we need to do a better job of that. But consequently, our adolescent guys need to also say that maybe there's a reason why we're saying what we're saying. And you know, guys are going through a lot during adolescence, you know, their body is really changing fast. And that testosterone is sorry, sorry about that is flowing like crazy. So they're having all kinds of weird thoughts and getting really tall and eating probably out of house and home, you know, for I still love my mom with her. Why is my son a drink and four gallons of milk a week? This is insane. I'm like, he's growing, you know, that tailbone is fusing to the backbone. And so, you know, growing pains are all over the place. You got the big banana feet, you kind of floppy your nose is a little big, your ears are a little wacky, you know, it's awful. You know, I know puberty is bad enough for a girl, but geez, think about the guy, you know, and then to be like, Oh, gosh, I have to smell good and the cloud. All right. And guys, please for the love of all that is good and holy, when you spray acts, even if you think that that's a good idea anyway, please spray it into the air at your home and then walk into it gently. Okay. Do not spray it directly on yourself. And please, as a teacher, please don't bring that to school or leave it in your locker and PE because how many days did my classroom smell like some kind of like Phoenix, you know, whatever Aries, you know, sent chocolate, the chocolate ones up and so please save us all with the axe thing or just use the deodorant. Also, speaking of that, adolescent young men, please, please understand the purpose of deodorant and to use it as soon as possible. Okay. Make sure that when we get into our tween years, it is very normal for kids to use deodorant for girls to wear a little like sports bras, things like that. Sorry to talk about this kind of stuff, but it needs to be said. So, you know, when the kids like in fourth grade, probably deodorant time. Okay. There's all kinds of healthy ones that don't have, you know, additives and things like that. So, use your discretion accordingly, of course, but you know, kids do start to stink a little bit sooner than they used to. And adolescent boy smell is a scent all its own. And let me tell you that eighth grade classroom, I used the Hawaiian breeze, I think, plugins to try to combat some of that. And yeah, it's something. So, I, you can also take fabric softener and add water to it and shake it up and spray it. It makes a really good room fabric refresher that is really inexpensive. So, let's think about that. Also, aromatherapy is a really big thing with young men. They're very sense sensitive. I can tell you some sense that really helped to make young men feel more calm. Fresh cut grass is a big one where, you know, I'd spray that in the classroom sometimes and the guys are like, oh, it smells so good because it smells like mowing the lawn, which is an activity and a chore, but the smell of it is, you know, it's a sensory experience. So, there's that. I think leather is a good one. Pine is excellent for anybody. I think it helps you focus. Kids with ADHD or ADD or focus disorders, sometimes pine and lemon can be some of the most potent sense that can help them to refocus. So, that's a good one. I think orange is really, really good. And mint is a great scent for men. Also, bergamot is really nice too. So, you know, you can try some scents like that with like aromatherapy diffuser or something like that. Steve, what do you like? What scent do you like, buddy? Stake? Yeah, he's scratching himself. He's doing well these days also, but he's going through his own guy stuff. So, he's been playing around with Ralphie, but Ralphie is getting older by the minute. So, he's been trying to play with someone who isn't quite ready to play. So, he's now harassing the cats as much as possible. So, but anyway, so we have some different tips and tools to try to help our young men feel more comfortable. And I don't want to go on and on about this, but I really hope that we all can take the time to think about our young men and boys and to encourage them to see the softer side and ask them questions about their emotions versus what are they going to be doing? It's how are you feeling? How are you coming into being? What do you think about that? Does that make you feel happy? And bringing up those emotional words are really important. So, whatever level of masculinity your little guys at, just take them for who they are and to accept them for the quirky little folks that they may be just like we would want to be treated as well. So, to the young guys out there, I wish you well. And please understand that your anger just means that you're passionate and turn that into something that you can change the world with. And to the sensitive guys out there, way to go, way to be evolved. That's awesome. You're in touch with your feelings and I think that's awesome. To those of you who may struggle with that sort of thing, understand we're not judging you. We don't want to judge you. We adore you for whatever you may be. So, just bring it. Bring the best of you every day and just remember that you got to stay clever little foxes. Until next time, I am Suzanne M. Swain, EDS, LMSW, and I wish you all the best. Take it easy and I'll see you soon.
