haunted by your ex, advice session

Welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything. And I mean literally anything you want advice on. And then I give you my own professional advice. And today's topic is one that we've touched on before, X's. We're talking about our X's again. Actually, I shouldn't say our X's because hopefully we're just talking about your X's today. I don't want to talk about my X's today. Not in the mood. I want to talk about yours. The truth is, one of the most complicated relationships we'll experience in our lives, I think in my opinion, is those with our X's. Because it's inherently a weird, awkward, painful, uncomfortable relationship. Your X's is somebody that at one point you were in love with, you were incredibly close to, and then now you're not. And I mean, there are some X's out there that have a beautiful friendship and the transition from dating to friendship was seamless. Perhaps the relationship wasn't that deep. Maybe it wasn't that serious. Like that happens. But for the most part, our relationships with our X's are incredibly complicated. And so that's why there seems to be a bottomless pit of conversation in it. And that's why we're returning to this subject again today because it's endless. The complications that come with it are endless. So without further ado, let's begin. This episode is presented to you by eBay. We all have that piece. You know the one. The thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on people. eBay is where you'll find those one-of-a-kind, can't-stop researching, stay-up dreaming about pieces again and again. I'm talking about that off the runway red leather bomber you've had your eye on, the trendy top with the cowboy on it, or that sleek fleece from the 2017 colorway. All of these finds are on eBay and they even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee. eBay is the place for pre-loved and vintage fashion. eBay. Things people love. Somebody said, my X is now officially with the girl he left me for. And I feel so bad about myself. How do I move through it? Well, to start, it is so fair and okay to be deeply bothered by this. This is one of those situations in life that's just so fucking unfair. It's inevitable. Like this type of stuff happens all the time and no one's necessarily even wrong in it. Like your ex isn't a bad person just because he left you for someone else. Like that's actually not technically not okay. As long as he didn't cheat on you or end the relationship disrespectfully, he kind of didn't do anything wrong. But that doesn't mean it's not deeply, deeply upsetting and painful. It is so normal and okay and rational to be so upset by this. It is so okay for this to be rocking your confidence and your self-esteem. It doesn't matter if you're the most confident person on the planet. To be in love with somebody and to choose them and then for them to leave you and choose someone else, it sucks. And to watch it all happen. I mean, it's even worse when you're actively in a relationship and then somebody decides, you know what? There's actually someone else that I like even more. I'm not going to be in this relationship anymore. I'm actually going to go off with this person now. When the transition is that immediate, it's incredibly painful. So the first point I want to make here is it's okay for this to be rattling you. It's not your fault that this is impacting your self-esteem negatively. It's normal and it would happen to almost anyone, if not anyone. I don't know if there's anyone on this planet that wouldn't be upset by that. And I think a lot of times we can be really hard on ourselves in moments like this. Like, ah, if I was just a more confident person, if I just had a stronger self-esteem, this wouldn't rock me. This wouldn't rattle me. But there are certain situations in life, this being a great example that would rattle almost anyone. It's incredibly painful. However, the reality is this has nothing to do with you as a person. I encourage you to think of it like this. Okay? Think of five things that you really like. Could be food, could be clothes, could be movies, could be music. Now, think of someone in your life who doesn't like those things as much. Okay? Let's say you really like country music, but your sister hates country music. Your sister only likes rap music. And you don't really like rap music. Are either of you right or wrong? No. That's just your opinion. Is country music better than rap music? No. Is rap music better than country music? No. People all have different preferences in life. What is the best? What is right for us is so deeply personal. It has nothing to do with the quality of the thing. Another example would be with food. Let's say you really like sushi, but your mom hates sushi. Does that mean sushi is a bad food? No. Sushi is delicious and so many people love sushi. Just because you weren't right for this person, just because they chose somebody else, doesn't really say anything about the quality of you as a person. It just speaks to what he's looking for in a partner. Just because you're not what he's looking for doesn't mean that there's literally anything wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. This has nothing to do with you really at all. Even if he left you because there were things about you that he really didn't like, and maybe there are even problems, maybe there are things you really need to work on. Even then, it still comes down to his personal preference and what he's willing to put up with and what he isn't willing to put up with. He's going to have issues with his new girlfriend as well. Everybody has shit about them that is not perfect. Nobody's perfect. It's not that personal. It feels so personal. It feels like, oh my God, I'm broken. I'm unlovable. This person is better than me. That's why he's with this new person because this person is better than me, which means I suck. It's so easy to jump to that conclusion, but that is not the truth of the matter. That's an oversimplification of what this situation is. All humans have flaws. Who knows why he broke up with you? It could be because of your flaws because we all have them. It could also have been just because it wasn't the right fit. I don't know. You didn't give me enough detail, but either way. Everybody has flaws and everybody has inherent traits that are just them and they can't be changed. That is the nature of human beings. Naturally, it's not always going to align perfectly. It's just not. It is one of those harsh realities of life that sometimes you're just not going to be the right person for somebody. They might feel like the right person for you, but the feeling might not be mutual and it fucking sucks. It's even worse when you watch them go off with someone else. It's just one of those painful but inevitable parts of life. I think the hardest part about it too is that you can't always really blame your partner, but you want to put blame somewhere. You want to be like, oh, they're mean or they're evil for leaving me to go with this other person, but it's like, no, they're not really mean or evil. It just wasn't working and they went to somebody else. As long as they handle it respectfully, you can't really blame them. That's just how dating works. We oftentimes put the blame on ourselves and that's not really fair either because a lot of times it's not really our fault. It just wasn't the right match. And again, worst case scenario, maybe there were some things that you did in the relationship that weren't great. That's going to happen in every relationship. When it comes to figuring out how to move through this, I would say the first step would be accept where you're at, accept the fact that this is making you feel like shit. That's okay. Don't get mad at yourself. Acknowledge that this is a normal part of moving through this uncomfortable, challenging, upsetting situation. It's fully a part of it. Being upset is a natural, healthy response to what you're dealing with, but then let the upset challenge you to grow through this situation, right? Don't succumb to the upset, but naturally what's going to happen is at a certain point, you're going to become sick of being upset. You're going to be like, I can't just keep dwelling on this. Like I need to move forward. And that's an exciting time because that's a growth opportunity. Okay. When you start to feel frustrated that you're still upset, that's when you're being invited to grow. And I think the growth opportunity here is number one, you're going to be forced to build an even stronger sense of self-esteem and confidence without the validation of your ex. You're going to be forced to look inward and say, what do I need to do to make myself feel confident again? And that might mean working extra hard on your hobbies. That might mean being more generous with other people. And I'm not saying generous as in with like money, but like generous with your time, you know, maybe more generous with your kindness, with a smile to a stranger, whatever, you're going to be forced to build your self-esteem and your confidence in a way that you've never been pushed to grow before. And that's a beautiful, beautiful thing. And you'll also be forced to learn to self-soothe in these types of situations, to put these types of situations into perspective for yourself. You'll be forced to teach yourself how to not spiral about these types of things by putting things into perspective, by telling yourself over and over again, just because I wasn't his thing doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me. Like in order to feel better, you're going to have to work on those two things. And that's going to make you a stronger person moving forward. That's going to make you a more evolved person emotionally. This experience is going to change you forever. Next, somebody said, my ex broke up with me two months ago and we still see each other every day because we have the same friends and we all study together. He asked me to have dinner one time and then we ended up having sex and he stayed over. And now this happens twice a week. It doesn't really bother me and he says the same, but he's been very cuddly. I don't know if I should keep going on with this situation or if I should stop it. Again, it's not really bothering me and it kind of makes me feel nice. What do you think? I think if you're being honest with yourself and this genuinely isn't bothering you and you both are communicating about the complexity of the situation. Obviously you were together, then you weren't. And now you're kind of half together in a way. That's a bit complicated, right? As long as you both are communicating about how you're feeling about it and you both feel good about it. I mean, who am I to stop you? Listen, I personally wouldn't be able to handle this. I've actually done this before. It's been a while since I played this type of game. I played this type of game once, okay? Once in my life. Then I was like, I will never do this again because for me personally, I thought I was okay with it, but it ended up really fucking with me psychologically because I wasn't... To me, it felt okay because kind of casually like hooking up with an ex was better than not being around them at all. That made me feel better than when we were fully broken up. But then when I started finding out that my ex was like hooking up with other people and when my ex stood really firm and like us not getting back together, eventually that started to wear on me until it actually became more painful than us just not being together and having no contact. So that was my experience, but I can't tell you like, no, don't go down this path. It is automatically going to be detrimental to your mental health because even though it did that to me eventually, I can't say what's going to happen with you. This might actually be fine. And eventually you might both come to the conclusion that, you know, like, maybe it's time to go your separate ways and then you guys go off and date new people. And it might be just a fun little situation ship in the interim before you both go and ultimately find somebody else. Or who knows, you could do this for a while and then realize, you know what, maybe we should just be together. Like who knows? I can't say. So my advice is just pay attention. Pay attention to how you're feeling about this on a case by case basis. Every time you do couple-y stuff with your ex, pay attention to how it makes you feel. Does it make you yearn to be back together? Do you feel satisfied with how it is? Do you feel frustrated that you're not just back together already? Like pay attention to how you're feeling and be honest with yourself. If it starts to get to a point where you're like, wait, I'm getting angry that we're not just dating. Or if you start to get to a point where you're like, this is actually making me feel kind of used. Or if you start to get to a point where you're like, I feel kind of bad about myself because my ex like wants to be around me, wants to cuddle, wants to hook up, but like doesn't want to date me. Like that makes me feel bad about myself. If you start to feel territorial over your ex like, wait, you know, I like what we're doing here, but if they go and hook up with somebody else, like that's going to really upset me. If you start getting anxious about the lack of boundaries, if these feelings and thoughts start to creep in, be honest with yourself, don't push them away, address them head on and have a conversation with your ex and be like, listen, this is how I'm feeling. We need to figure out what we got to do, either not hook up anymore or maybe get back together so that we can have some guidelines and some loyalty because maybe that's something that you're going to start craving. I don't know. I can't predict how this goes because it could go in a hundred different directions. But I think you just need to be really honest with yourself about how you're feeling and how your feelings are changing because right now this might be fine for you, but in a month, you might start to feel differently and you need to pay attention to that because if you don't, then it can turn into something that's much more upsetting than it needs to be. And it could also cause a huge falling out between you and your ex, which it sounds like would be complicated because your ex is in your friend group. You guys all study together. You see each other all the time. Ideally, you want to keep this relationship as healthy as possible. And so you have to pay close attention to yourself. You are playing it kind of a dangerous game emotionally a little bit. It might be totally fine, but it can go sour quickly. So I would just really keep a close eye on it. And also as much as you can, keep an open dialogue between you and your ex about how you're feeling about this sort of unusual situation. Now you're in a situation ship, if you will. It's a bit complicated. I think situationships in general are complicated, but I think they're even more complicated with an ex. It's one thing if you're in a situation ship with somebody that you've never been in any other type of relationship with, because the only boundaries and rules that you know together are the boundaries and rules that you've created in the situation ship, which is usually pretty casual and pretty loose, right? The nature of a situation ship is we're not dating. We just hook up sometimes and we can hook up with other people. We're not dating. No label. That's what that is. It's still complicated to do that with somebody that you've never had any other type of relationship with. It's even more complicated with an ex because at one point you did have very strict rules and boundaries. And now you don't. I think it's harder to go back and have less guidelines and rules and boundaries than it is to just start that way as it is with a normal situation ship. It's very hard to go backwards. It can be really psychologically challenging and confusing. It's much more challenging to be in a loose relationship with your ex and then watch them go hook up with somebody else or find out that they hooked up with somebody else than it is with a situation ship where you never had that deep of a bond with them. You've never had that. It's a bit less brutal. So just be careful and be honest with yourself. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by hotels.com. Okay, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Hotels.com could help you level up your vacation. So if you sign up for free, I might add, you save up to 20% on select hotels. Yep, up to 20%. That's actual real money back in your pocket, which means yes to massages, yes to room service, yes to those little extras that make a trip feel extra special. Head to hotels.com to book now. Now back to the episode. Somebody said, my ex wants to get back together. I still love him, but it also doesn't feel the same as it used to. How do I make my decision? Well, ideally it shouldn't feel how it used to because if you are not dating your ex anymore, that means that something went wrong. Okay, so why would you want to go back to that? Y'all, me saying y'all, fully not from Texas. Y'all, I don't, I do say y'all sometimes and it makes no sense. Like where did I pick that up? I fully have lived in California my whole life. No one's saying y'all and I don't listen to country music except for Casey Mousgraves. Obviously, obviously. Anyway, don't know where the y'all came from. But yeah, why would you want to go back to something that ultimately didn't work? Ideally, this next time around, if you choose to give it another chance, would feel different. It has to feel different. Otherwise, it'll end the same way. Now, there's a chance that what you're talking about is the magic is different. You know, when you first fall in love with somebody and it just feels magical, like you just feel almost filled with love and it's the honeymoon phase, right? When you first get into a relationship with somebody, it feels electric. And then eventually that dissipates naturally because that's kind of a delusional state of being. Your brain is releasing all these chemicals because it's exciting and it's new. But eventually that wears off because the reality of two people being together romantically, it's not like going to be magical forever. Reality sets in eventually and it's like, okay, we're in a relationship when we have to choose to love each other every day. And we have to make sacrifices for one another. The reality and the challenges set in, right? So there's a chance that when you say that it doesn't feel the same this time around, it's because you're not starting a brand new relationship. You're revisiting a relationship that already went through the honeymoon phase. You both have established a connection and a relationship that is more developed. So you're not going to have the same honeymoon phase explosion of love and lust like you did in the beginning when you very first met. It's just not going to happen because you've already surpassed that. And just because you're revisiting it doesn't mean that you erased the past that you've had. You already had the honeymoon phase. If you both get back together, you might have like a semi honeymoon phase maybe. I mean, listen, maybe, hey, nothing's impossible. You might end up getting back together and having a full brand new honeymoon phase. But I would say that's probably unlikely because you already know the reality of being in a relationship together. So I think it feels different going back to it perhaps because you've already done this before. You're not going to get that exciting feeling that you got when you first met and you first started dating. I personally think if you love him, if you want to try it again, if you think that this time could be different, perhaps because both of you have grown, perhaps because both of you are in a different place in your life now. If you think this time around has the potential to be more successful than the last time due to things that have happened during your time apart, I think there's no reason not to try it again. If you both still love each other and you think that there's a chance that this time could be better, why not? Why not? I absolutely believe in right person, wrong time. I think sometimes we meet somebody who is actually quite good for us, but maybe we need to do a bit more of work on ourselves before we actually settle down and commit. Who knows? I believe in that. I think that absolutely can happen. That could be what's going on here. I say give it a try. If you both love each other still, why not? I think the only scenario in which I would say maybe you don't want to try it again is if in your heart of hearts, you know deep down that you both fundamentally will never work together. Let's say your morals and values don't align. Let's say your families don't get along or maybe they're a terrible communicator and you just can't even like communicating with them is like absolutely impossible. If you know deep down that there's a fundamental issue that will never be fixed. It's just the way that it is. And you know that trying it again won't change anything. Yeah, maybe it doesn't make sense to jump back into it. But if you think that there's a chance that things could be different and you won't end up in the same spot that you're in now where you're broken up. If you think this next time could go differently and you genuinely believe that and you're being honest with yourself, I say go for it. Next, somebody said, I'm going through my first breakup and he seems totally fine. Meanwhile, I'm crashing out. How do I get through it? It hurts to see him so chill about it all. The truth is you have no idea what he's going through. No idea at all. I can guarantee you that. And the same goes the other way. Like he has no idea how you're doing. I mean, unless you're like posting on your Instagram crying about the breakup, which I doubt you're doing. And if you are doing that, maybe maybe don't. Maybe you don't do that because that's maybe better to do privately. I mean, listen, you can post whatever you want on the internet. Who am I to judge? I probably do my own fair share of oversharing. Actually, I overshare a little bit, but I have my limits. Like I'm not going to be posing myself crying about it and be like, I'm going through a breakup. I'm so sad. Post on story. I don't do that. And I don't think it's good to do that. I think we should keep that. We should just deal with that on our own. You know what I mean? We don't need other people's opinion. We don't need people sliding up on the story and commenting on that. It's better to deal with that on their own. But anyway, there's a good chance that your ex has no idea how you're doing either. Like your ex might be laying in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, heartbroken, thinking that you recovered way too gracefully. Like that's just the nature of breakups. Once you break up, you're not in contact anymore. You just get to see what's on the surface. If you see them around or you see them on social media, but like, what do we expect? Do we expect our ex to be like moping around all the time? I mean, that's unrealistic. Like almost anyone after a breakup can fucking get their shit together and, you know, go out with friends and like have a laugh. And then the sadness comes later. You have no clue what your ex is going through. And to assume it is to just make this more painful than it needs to be. If you had a real deep relationship with your ex, chances are they are hurting in one way or another. But also worst case scenario, your ex is getting through this seamlessly. This breakup has been easy for them. That sucks. It makes us feel like shit about ourselves because obviously we want to be missed. We want our exes to miss us and cry every single night about the breakup. But as I said earlier, we're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. We're just not. I've actually experienced this, to be honest. I mean, I've experienced this many times where I just felt like my ex literally, like we broke up and immediately the next day my ex was like vibing. You know what I mean? And I was hearing through the grapevine my ex is vibing. Like this has happened to me multiple times. And honestly, I think my advice is the same about this as it is about the first question that we went through. This is one of those things that just feels unfair. It's just painful. That's just the reality of it. It just sucks. Breakups are unfair. They suck and they're heartbreaking. And it's okay to be upset. It's okay to be more upset than your ex, even though you don't really know that for sure. But even if that is the case, it's okay to be upset that you're more upset. All of this is a normal reaction to something that naturally is just painful and at times unfair. But at a certain point, you're going to become sick of being upset about all of this. And then it's a growth opportunity that will change you forever. Getting through this will force you to build your self-esteem and your confidence and build it in a way that's stronger than it's ever been before. Less reliant on others than it's ever been before. You're going to be forced to find it within in a way that you've never been forced to do before. You're going to be forced to put things into perspective to self-soothe. You're going to be forced to learn how to talk yourself down late at night when you're staring at the ceiling, spiraling. At a certain point, you're going to get sick of spiraling and be like, I need to stop doing this. And so you're going to learn to put things into perspective. You're going to learn to step back and say, OK, wait, I don't really know how my ex is doing. In worst case scenario, he's doing better than me. And guess what? That's OK. That has nothing to do with me as a person, who I am as a person. Maybe that just means I'm a more sensitive person. And being a sensitive person is a beautiful thing. Maybe that just means that I was more invested in this relationship than my ex was. And that's why this is hurting me worse than it's hurting them. But how beautiful it is to be in a place where you're ready to be in a relationship. That's a beautiful place to be, to be emotionally available enough to be in a relationship. You'll learn to talk yourself down. And that's another wonderful skill to have. This is a growth opportunity. And I think if you look at it like that, it can make you feel better. But also, it's OK to be bummed about it a little bit. I think this is a universal experience of going through a breakup and being like, wait, why is my ex thriving? They should be crying and screaming in their bed, heartbroken. Why are they out and doing stuff and smiling? Like what? It sucks. It sucks. And it's OK to be frustrated by it. But at a certain point, it'll invite you to grow. And that's a beautiful thing. Last but not least, somebody said, my ex and I are in the same friend group. How can we be friends without it being awkward and having the group fall apart? I don't want to lose my friends. This is tough because it's definitely going to be a little bit awkward, especially in the beginning, because now you're building a new sort of relationship, right? You had a very specific, very deep, very intimate relationship before. And now you're going backwards and your friends again, it's clunky, it's awkward, it's weird, it's confusing. I think the key is to focus on building your friendship with your ex. Focus on shaping and molding this new relationship with your ex. Don't avoid it. If you're in a friend group together and you're just avoiding one another, that's when shit gets awkward. That's when there's tension. If you're going to be in this friend group together, you need to figure out what your friendship looks like now. And that means working on it outside of your friend group. I would suggest honestly hanging out maybe once a month, one-on-one, grabbing a coffee and just figuring out how to be friends. Hang out one-on-one, platonically. Talk through the complicated emotions that you both are feeling. Lean on each other through this awkward time. Do you know what I'm saying? Like teamwork. Work on it together. Figure it out together. And I think that's the best way to do it. If you're both avoiding each other and avoiding this awkward situation, it makes it more awkward. It makes it weirder. So suddenly, you know, because you're not communicating and you're used to having a very open sort of communication because you were dating at one point, now you're going to know communication. I don't know. You can start to read each other wrong. You can start to take things personally. When there's a lack of communication and there's avoidance, both parties can start to grow confused about the terms of the friendship and the relationship and it can breed contentment. Is that the word contemptment? Actually, is it contemptment? Okay. So ultimately, contemptment is not a word. I hate when this happens. Sometimes I'll like use a word and I'm like, did I just use that right? And I'll Google it and it's right. And I'm like, yes. Yes. Like, look at me go. And then, but today was not one of those times. Contentment is a word and that's a state of happiness and satisfaction. Contemptment, they can breed contempt. Okay. I meant to say contempt. If you're not communicating properly, there can be contempt. Anger, misunderstanding, the lack of connection can make things just feel worse. So that would be my advice. And listen, it's going to be a little awkward. It's going to be challenging. It's going to be weird. It might be kind of heartbreaking at times because obviously you're like constantly reopening a wound with your ex by like hanging out and talking to them. But I think ultimately if your, if your goal is to remain friends and be in this group together, it's what must be done. You have to have a really open, solid line of communication between one another so that you have a good understanding in everybody feels listened to and everybody's emotions are being considered and you can actually work together to get to a good place where it's not awkward and it's not weird anymore. Cause they do think if you really work hard on it together and you both are dedicated to do so, you can get to a really good place, I think, but it just takes teamwork. Anyway, that's all the advice I got today. I hope it was helpful. I hope you took it with a grain of salt. Cause listen, even though I give you advice with your best interests at heart, I don't know you. I don't know your life. So I can only do my best and you should take it with a grain of salt because only you can make the right decision for you. Um, new episodes of advice session every other Sunday. So if you enjoyed this tune in every other Sunday for a new advice session, uh, new episodes of anything goes come out every Thursday and Sunday. And you can stream literally anywhere you get your podcast. However, if you want to watch video, that is on YouTube and Spotify. Anything goes is on the internet everywhere at anything goes. I'm on the internet everywhere. I'm a Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and on the internet at Chamberlain coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. It's always a joy to hang out. It really is. And I have a really sore throat and my throat like sounds like gravelly and kind of weak. Like I'm surprised I didn't have more voice cracks in this episode. So thank you for listening to my gravelly dry throat. I went on a hike this weekend and got really dehydrated and, um, now my throat is all fucked up. So anyway, uh, little, maybe I'll give you one more piece of advice. Uh, next time you try to go on like a nine mile hike, maybe bring more than just like one hydro flask of water, 40 ounces. It's not enough. You need more, especially if it's hot out. Now my throat feels like it has a bunch of paper cuts in it. So maybe prepare better than I did. Okay. I love you all. I appreciate you all. And I will talk to you in a few days. Bye.