Why People Do or Don’t Like You & The Power of Asking for Help

Today on Something You Should Know, what is it that makes someone a good dancer? Then, the science of getting people to like you and why it matters. When people like you, they tend to see the best in you and what you represent. When we don't like them, the opposite is true. If the guy is jumping all over the place and I like him, he's enthusiastic. If I don't like him, he's an idiot. It's all the same body language, really. Also, what vitamin C is really good for, and it's not to fight a cold. And a lot of us are afraid to ask for help when we need it. And that's a big mistake. I'll always have someone take me aside and say, you know, I'm not going to ask for what I really need because I know no one here can help me. And my answer is always the same, which is that you never know what people know or who they know until you ask. And so it's important to realize is that most people, in fact, will help you if you ask. All this today on Something You Should Know. You know, I'm a sucker for a good mystery. Like in the 1950s, a flight from New York to Minneapolis just disappeared over Lake Michigan. No wreckage, no answers. Or the Deatt Love Pass Incident, a group of experienced hikers found dead under circumstances so strange, people still debate what really happened. There's a podcast called Expedition Unknown from Discovery, hosted by Josh Gates, and this is what he does. He doesn't just tell these stories. He goes there. He's hunted for priceless artifacts stolen by the Nazis in World War II. He's traced the final flight of a pilot who vanished mid-mission and searched the Great Lakes for a ship that disappeared without a trace. If you love the unanswered questions of history, you know the stuff that makes you lean in. You're going to love this. Travel the globe with Josh Gates as he investigates humanity's greatest feats and most iconic legends. Listen to Expedition Unknown, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, welcome to something you should know. Here's a question for you. Are you a good dancer? Judging how someone dances is at least partly subjective, but we do now have a pretty good idea of what makes for good dancing. Using motion capture technology, researchers turned real women into featureless dancing avatars and then showed the videos to 200 people, 143 women, and 57 men, ages 18 and over. By watching the avatars rather than watching actual women, the participants weren't distracted by clothing, facial expressions, or hair. They then rated the moves. And the big conclusion was, it's all about the hips. Swaying hips and dancing in sync with the music was preferred. Bad dancers tend to wave their arms about too wildly or they hold their limbs really rigid and close to their bodies, like dancing robots. Dancing is fun, but it also communicates a message. Good dancers are showing off qualities that people want in a mate, such as coordination, strength, and creativity. And that seems to be best expressed with the hips. And that is something you should know. You know how some people that you meet are just, they're just more likeable. People are drawn to them. They have that instant rapport thing. So how is it that they do that? And could you do that? Well, Nicholas Boothman thinks so. Nicholas has been mastering personal communication strategies for quite a while. And he is author of a book called How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. Hi, Nicholas. Thank you. Good morning. Nice to talk to you. So it's interesting when I think about when I meet someone for the first time, there is that immediate judgment, that immediate sense of whether I like that person or not, right? That's what humans do. We make that instant judgment to some extent, right? The truth is that we decide how we feel about someone in the first two seconds of seeing them or hearing them if it's on the phone. It's just part of the fight-or-flight response. So you can't really blame people for doing it. I mean, you can't stop them jumping to conclusions about you, but there's a lot you can do to adjust how they feel about you. And that idea that people like or don't like you within the first few seconds. So what's going on there? What makes that determination? Actually, the fight-or-flight response is four things in mammals. We're actually deciding, do I eat it? Do I mate with it? Do I fight it or do I run for it? I mean, those are basically what we're deciding. And we just pick up signals from other people that tell us how we feel about them. But there are people that, you know, they don't make us necessarily want to run away, but there's, you know, there's something about them. They're not quite my kind of guy. You know what I mean? But it's not like they're, I want to run away from them. No, absolutely. What does freak us out are mixed messages. Basically, we respond to the visual, the vocal and the verbal. In other words, when your voice tone, your words and your body language are all saying the same thing, we tend to trust you. I mean, that's what actors do. They're very good at that. But if they're not saying the same thing, you know, if someone's smiling, was they angry at you or looking? I mean, I had, I have people all the time when I do my talks come up to me. And I had a woman recently came up and said, you know, I have this problem. My kids are all saying, mom, why are you so angry all the time? And she says, I'm not angry. I'm excited. So will you look angry? And that was simply because, you know, her body language and her words and her voice tone weren't all saying the same thing. That's what we that's what freaks us out. You know, those people that smile at you when they're angry at you. Mm hmm. And so what is it? Because we all know those people that everybody is attracted to. The they walk into a room and and pretty soon everybody is around that. What is that? You know, first of all, I do get asked that a lot. And that's not exactly what really happens. That they're sure there are some people that they walk into a room that attracts people's attention, but they're not suddenly all around them. But they're people they feel comfortable with their body language is giving off basically, it's what I talk about doing in the first two or three seconds of seeing someone look them in the eye, smile, open your body language and synchronize with the people around you and then look for common ground. When you see certain people and you tend to be attracted to them. I was I was a fashion photographer for 25 years. I had studios on three continents. And I mean, I know I know why people are attracted to models. It's things like that. Their faces and are symmetrical. That's a huge, a huge attraction when someone is symmetrical. When they do eye contact, look at simple smiles as I'm happy and I'm confident. Eye contact says trust is in the air. These are quite simple things. So when you want to make someone like you, I mean, it almost sounds phony. Let's like, do I really want to make someone like me? If they don't like me, they don't like me. If cooperation is what you want, then then there are certain things you can do, which I just mentioned then. Look, I mean, the eye smile, open your body language and they will start to feel trusting towards you. And it happens in the first couple of seconds. But if it doesn't happen in the first couple of seconds, have you lost the opportunity or not? It's difficult. It's difficult. We do look here's the bottom line. When people like you, they tend to see the best in you and what you represent. And we tend to look for opportunities to say yes to people that we like. When we don't like them, the opposite is true. We tend to see the worst in them or get out of here now. You know, your subconscious is saying back away. And we sometimes see the worst if I like the you know, if the guy's jumping all over the place and I like him, he's enthusiastic of it, I don't like him, he's an idiot. You know, if I like the woman, she's warm and she's she's she's, you know, she's approachable. If I don't like her, she's dull and boring just by this. It's all the same body language, really. And so it does matter because when we like people, you know, they tend to see the best of us in this. And that's really what it's all about. And not only in us, but in what we represent. I know that you're people who haven't heard your program and tune in it, tune into it in the first couple of seconds that they're either saying, I like this, I like this guy, or they're saying, what else is on? It's just it's just well, I say that with the greatest of respect. Of course, you have the voice I wish I had, you have a super charismatic voice and etc., which is what you should well have after 20 years. What about though, because you say, you know, it happens in the first few seconds that that when you open up the body language and everything, but but it's also your personality, your attitude. I mean, what I've seen people that look very appealing. And then you start to talk to him and go, oh, my God, you know, what? So what is that? Talk about that. Well, first of all, that's the that's the good news and the bad news about face to face communication is you're a genius until you open your mouth. But the fact that you said the word that attitude, the first thing we respond to in somebody else, well, in technical terms, it's the quality and the quantity of the energy they give off. But it's basically their attitude. It's your attitude more than anything else that determines your success or failure because your attitude not only drives your behavior, it drives other people's behavior. I mean, you know, if you if you came on the air now and you were angry, I would be responding in a defensive way or whatever. If you sounded angry, but you sound completely cool together. So, you know, it makes me respond in a certain way. And that's, you know, I have people all the time that say, when people get to know me, they really like me. But, you know, that's great for your next door neighbor and your family and anybody else who can't escape you. But, you know, when it comes to work or to dating, it doesn't cut it. What about this idea that people like people who are like them? Look, it's all about finding common ground. I mean, the whole the whole the bottom line in a first impression is the faster you can find common ground, the quicker you can you can just relax into it. And so we tend to like people who are like ourselves, who have the same taste in, I don't know, holidays, books, music, food. We we we like them, we get on with them. We can find, you know, I in my in my talks and I do audiences of up to six thousand people quite regularly, and I'll get them on their feet. And I'll just say, find common ground in in 20 seconds with somebody. And, you know, they do it. They can they, you know, they both they both like the movie Titanic. They've got twins in the family. They both enjoy certain sports. As soon as that happens, soon as you find common ground, you've you've you've cracked it. You've made a great first impression. What's a good way to do that, though, when you when you meet someone and you start talking to them, you can't say, well, let's find some common ground so we can continue this conversation. How do you how do you have that conversation so that the common ground reveals itself? I did this exactly this on on a good morning America a few years back when they said, OK, so I walk into a room full of of strangers. Give me five tips on what to do. And I said, well, number one, when you walk into a room head for the middle of the room, well, no one wear great clothes. More people take you seriously. Don't have to wear spectacular clothes, but just trust the occasion. Walk into the middle of the room as you walk into the middle of the room, walk slightly more slowly. And then I told them about this the three second rule. You know, you're probably one of these events to meet people. So go up to people and how do you get people talking? You do what you do. You do what podcasters do or talk show hosts do or journalists do. You ask an open question. You ask you make a statement followed by an open question. So on the today show, she said, OK, well, what do you mean here? I say, OK, I hear New York's a fantastic place. If I only had half a day, what should I see? That's how you get me talking. You make a statement and you ask me an open question. I'm talking with Nicholas Boothman, who has some very helpful advice. His book is called How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. Ready to launch your business? Get started with the commerce platform made for entrepreneurs. Shopify is specially designed to help you start, run and grow your business with easy customizable themes that let you build your brand, marketing tools that get your products out there, integrated shipping solutions that actually save you time from startups to scale ups online, in person and on the go. Shopify is made for entrepreneurs like you. Sign up for your one dollar a month trial at Shopify.com. Slash Setup. Hi, I'm pianist Maniacs on my new podcast, Classical Music Happy Hour. My guests and I talk about life and music and we also like to play games. Is it a composer or is it cheese? Oh, I know this game. Knowing Mozart, it's probably all of the above. It's all of the above. Is this a fake or was this a flop? Flop. That's more mistakes than I made in my last recital. Listen, wherever you get your podcasts. So Nicholas, some people just seem to have that gift. It seems anyway that they can talk to strangers and make everybody feel comfortable. Do you think that's true or are they working at it? It just looks easy. It just looks easy. I have five children. They total age of my kids and I was actually 225. So I've got three of them in their fifties and, you know, a couple arriving in their forties and they weren't they weren't all naturally able to go up to complete strangers and start a conversation. But they practiced and we had fun little things that we did when they were growing up that made one of my children in particular who might have been other people might have used the label. I I absolutely abhor, which is shy, touch shy to somebody. And she could have been that way. But today she runs corporations in out of Norway and high tech corporations and networks all over the world, but only because we showed her how to do it. And we encouraged her to do it. Look, the the the first thing I talk about to my audiences, I asked them a professor, Professor Harrell from Stanford Business School spent 20 years looking for what he called the success factor. He went across all areas of work and business and private life. And he came up, they came up that team with one thing, which was they called the number one identifiable predictor of success. And you know what it was? It was the ability to speak up. If you don't speak up, you're invisible. And that's what makes all of the difference in these things. It's that is so interesting because and you had said just a few moments ago, you go into the center of the room and talk to someone. Well, to a lot of people, that's terrifying to just talk to someone. Here's something else. But I mean, I'm I'm I'm slightly off on a tangent. But, you know, so we had to learn to have no confidence. We were all born with just two fears. The fear of sudden loud noises and the fear of falling. All the rest of the things we get scared about in this life, we had to learn. They learned fears and I deal a lot of the time now with I'm dealing working with our local police force and with human trafficking and helping in that area, doing a little bit I can to help. But, you know, a lot of it comes down to not having confidence. Confidence is a huge topic right now with digital distractions and political correctness and polarized politics. We've made strangers out of everybody and the result is an epidemic of anxiety and depression and and and but and the lack of confidence. But, you know, confidence is they say, oh, we'll face your fears and do it anyway. Or or, you know, or fake it till you make it. This is to answer your question about going into a room and talking to people. But the simple thing about confidence is that people who are confident are comfortable with rejection and they're comfortable with failure. Just those two things. So I have some simple steps where anyone can get comfortable rejection and anyone can get comfortable with failure. That's what makes people lack the confidence. And so to walk into a room and talk to people, you just need a couple of steps to explain to people that there's no such thing as failure, there's only feedback. The whole idea of failure is that we learn to get better. And the whole idea of there's no such thing as rejection. There's only selection. Thank God when I was 15 and used all my pocket money to go and have Chacha lessons so I could get the girl from the local hairdressing cell on to fall in love with me. Thank God she rejected me or I wouldn't be where I am today. So those invisible signals, those things that you send off that make people say to themselves, oh, this is a likable guy. Those are what? Yeah, well, eye contact is huge. What I tell people is when you meet someone for the first time, look him in the eye, smile, open your body language and find common ground. But first you have to adjust your attitude and you have to adjust your attitude to like all a really useful attitude instead of a really useless attitude. A really useful attitude could be welcoming, curious, enthusiastic, warm, really useless attitudes of things like bored, rude, hostile or appearing that way. A lot of people don't realize that their arms folded looking at the ground when they're talking to you for the first time that they just come across as hostile. So first you adjust your attitude, which is before you even approach somebody or even walk into a room. We all do it when we walk into a room. We well, we should. We adjust our attitude to some something or other. It's, you know, but a smile on your face and get on with it. And then eye contact. Just notice the color of the eyes of the people that you're talking to. That's enough eye contact to set put trust in the air. Now, I did. I did some work for one of the large automotive, automotive company, well, I've done all of them. But in one of them, when we got on this subject, they now have on their worksheet in their technical, in their service department, customers name, customers address, customers eye color. Just obliges the mechanic for a second to look into the eyes of the, of the, of the customer that says trust is in the air. A smile, whether you have a natural smile or not, a smile says that person is happy and confident. Not everybody has a natural smile and not all professional models have a natural smile, but there's a trick I learned from models when I was a photographer. They simply say, they'll say to themselves the word great, in bursts of three in stupid voices, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, when they're on the set and eventually their eyes are warm and they, they look like they're smiling. You can say that to yourself as you approach somebody. Open your body language. Just means, you know, don't have your arms folded across your chest. In other words, simply kind of almost point your heart at the heart of the person, not in any stupid way, but just expose your heart. And, and then, and then start saying something. And it's, it's perfectly normal to make a comment about where you are at an awful time parking today and what about you? Or isn't this a great place? Or I've never been here before. It's just making statements. What do you mean by talking in color? Talking in color is three things really. One of them is adding sensory information to whatever you're talking about. Talk about the way, if you're telling someone you went on holiday, talk about the way some of the things that you saw, some of the things that you heard, maybe the smells, the tastes involve all the senses. We're hungry. We're desperate. We're desperate for stories. Stories are to the human mind, what food and fresh air out of the body. We just crave stories. That's what your podcast is. It's a lot of stories. It's getting into people's imaginations. The other part about talking in color, the big part is being able to condense, condense things into simple images. And one of the best people at doing this in the States is Warren Buffett. He makes pictures to describe things. When he was asked how he felt about his job, he said, I tap dance to work. That's talking in color because people who have kind of visual can see it. People who are sound, auditory can hear it. And people who are feeling based can feel it. Can feel that what it feels like when he was asked to explain the the 2008 financial bust, he said, the tide's gone out and we can see he's been swimming naked. Really great communicator Steve Jobs. All of all those guys, you'll see they use metaphors all the time. They say it's kind of like a and that's talking in color. And it's very curious. But look for those for those of your listeners old enough to remember Cassius Clay or Muhammad Ali, he said, I'm going to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. These life is Ebola cherries. This is absolutely beautiful for for the mind, for the minds of other people, for the imagination, imagination is the strongest force we possess. It sure makes sense what you're saying. And yet it is so hard. It is hard for a lot of us to talk to people the way you're talking. Just say hello to three people today, the strangers. Just say hi. Make it your goal to get rejected three times. Keep doing it if you want until three times nobody responds to you. That's all just all just, you know, I do I work with kids. I was interviewing four kids in a cafe there that I walk up to them and they they've never been taught to talk to strangers. Let me tell not to talk to strangers. You don't want strangers. You've got no life. Everything you do in life, you're going to be healthier, wealthier, smarter, wiser, richer. The only way you're going to do it is by you're going to need a stranger's help to do that. But this one girl said, well, she said, I'm mouth high people. I thought that's a great word as she's walking by and she's only 14. She just goes with them out, you know, and look away again. And that's how they're learning to talk to strangers. Yeah, well, I've always thought about this whole don't talk to strangers thing that it's not necessarily such a great idea, because as you say, if you don't talk to strangers and you don't learn how you think of all the opportunities you're not getting. Talking to strangers isn't just the right thing to do. It's a matter of survival. Everything we want in this life, be it tickets to the Rose Bowl to be on your show to have a great career, whatever the perfect partner, you're going to need a stranger's help to get it. So all those people, you know, they they told little children, don't talk to strangers. So the kid gets lost in the mall and goes to hide somewhere. Much better to say, if you get lost, go and talk to another mummy or go and talk to the lady, somebody behind the counter. You know, that's that's useful. It's about, you know, the stranger danger, this fear of strangers is unbelievable. Do you know what your chances of the kid being kidnapped by a complete stranger are in the United States? The latest available figures from 2016, your chance of your child being kidnapped by a complete stranger is one in six hundred and seventy five thousand. And yet we tell them all, don't talk to strangers. I've I've interviewed. And what have we got now? We have one and a half generations of soft, narcissistic, decadent, over photographed, under inspired kids because they're not their fault. It's the way they've been brought up and brainwashed. Well, I like I like your advice because it's simple. It's easy to follow. And I think people have a sense that it's it's probably pretty effective. You just have to go out and try it. Nicholas Boothman has been my guest. The book is How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. And you will find a link to his book in the show notes. Thanks for being here, Nicholas. I'm really grateful. Thank you so much. Of the Regency Era, you might know it as the time when Bridgerton takes place. Where's the time when Jane Austen wrote her books? The Regency Era was also an explosive time of social change, sex scandals, and maybe the worst king in British history. Volcker History's new season is all about the Regency Era, the balls, the gowns and all the scandal. Listen to Volcker History, Regency Era, wherever you get podcasts. If Bravo drama, pop culture, chaos and honest takes are your love language. You'll want all about Terri H podcast in your feed. Hosted by Roxanne and Chantel, this show breaks down Real Housewives Reality TV and the moments everyone's group chat is arguing about. Roxanne's been spilling Bravo tea since 2010. And yes, we've interviewed Housewives Royalty like Countess Luanne and Teresa Judice, Smart Recaps, Insider Energy and Zero Fluff. Listen to all about Terri H podcasts on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen, new episodes weekly. Something I've always found interesting is how so many of us are reluctant to ask for help when we need it, for whatever reason. And yet when people ask me for help, I'm usually willing and often flattered that somebody asked. As it turns out, getting good at asking for help can really accelerate your success at anything. Wayne Baker is somebody who's really strong in the world. Wayne Baker is somebody who's really studied this. Wayne is a professor of business administration and faculty director for the Center for Positive Organizations at the University of Michigan Ross School of Business. And he's author of the book. All you have to do is ask. Hey, Wayne, thanks for being a guest today on something you should know. Hi, Mike. I'm glad to be here. So this all sounds incredibly ridiculously simple. If you need help, you ask for help. Everybody knows that. So why is a university professor studying this and writing books about something that is so seemingly simple? Yes, it sounds simple, but it's often hard for people to do. And the reason that is important for people to ask for what they need is they can be much more productive, efficient, creative, perform at a higher level. And we think about it. One way to approach work is to put our heads down and just work at that task. But we could be far more effective if we reach out and ask for input, advice and resources from other people. The research is very clear that that's what leads to superior performance for an individual, for a team or even for an organization. And why don't we do that? It just seems like, well, if we have to ask for help, it maybe that means we don't know what we're doing. We'll look weak, we'll look stupid, or is there something beyond that? There are a number of reasons. And the one you just mentioned is one of the main ones, is that often we don't ask because we are concerned that we might look foolish, needy, incompetent, weak, ignorant, don't know how to do our job. But what's interesting is that here the research is helpful. Research shows that as long as you make a thoughtful request, people will think you are more competent, not less. And there is an approach that I advocate for coming up with a thoughtful request. And when you follow that, I see that people make requests that are effective and get the resources that they need and actually increase perceptions of that person's competence. And when you look at the research, what is the big overarching benefit to asking for help? Well, the main thing is that you could be much more effective and productive if you do it. And what we found over the years is that the main barrier to generosity is not that people are unwilling or unable to help, but that people don't ask. It's the ask that's the catalyst or the driver of the whole giving, receiving process. So another common barrier is that we don't ask because we figure no one can help us. And I've done many exercises and many sessions on this over the years. And I'll always have someone take me aside and say, you know, I'm not going to ask for what I really need because I know no one here can help me. And my answer is always the same, which is that you never know what people know or who they know until you ask. And so it's important to realize is that most people in fact will help you if you ask. Is that true? Fascinating study that was done by Frank Flynn and associates at Columbia University, where they asked study participants to go out into New York city and they had to approach a stranger and ask to borrow a cell phone. And all they could say was, um, can I borrow your cell phone to make a call? They couldn't give a sob story or explain or plead. And it's funny, Mike, that a lot of the people who signed up for it said, uh, forget it. I'm not going to even participate in this experiment once they realized what they had to do and they were getting paid as well. But another people did, they went out and they were shocked to realize how easy it was to get a cell phone from a stranger in New York. You know, they thought maybe you'd have to ask four, five, 10 people before you got a phone. But what the research shows is that it's the first or second person that lends you their phone. And there are many other studies that support that finding, getting people to fill out a questionnaire, make a donation, can go on and on. Most people do want to help as long as you ask. When people ask me for help, I'm often flattered and willing to help. I mean, I, I, I like when people ask me to help. So I imagine other people do too. That's right. And that's what the research shows, you know, is that people come to you for advice, they're acknowledging that, uh, you have advice that's worthy, you know, that they want to come to you because you're the expert or that you know, and they're acknowledging that when they make that request. So I imagine there is a right way to ask. There's a prescription for how to ask. Well, the, the, the main prescription is to be prepared before you make your request. So you want to know what's the goal? What are you trying to accomplish? And then once you have that in hand, say, well, what's the resource that you need? And you want to think very broadly, maybe it's advice, information, referral, a connection, an opportunity, a brainstorming session, financial support. The list goes on and on, but think, okay, if I have that goal in mind, all right, what's a resource that I need? And then you want to formulate what I call a smart request. The smart request is a little bit different than smart goals. Uh, so the S is for specific. You want to ask for something very specific. The reason is that a specific request triggers people's memories of what they know and who they know. A general request won't do that. Um, the, the most general request I ever heard was from, uh, an executive from the Netherlands who was engaging in one of my exercises. And he said, my request is for information. And that's all he said. And I said, well, you know, can you elaborate? And he said, no, it's confidential. I can't say anything more. You know, well, he got no help whatsoever. Um, but you know, it's that it's, people often think that a general request is more effective. You're casting a, a wide net, but that's not true. You want to ask for something specific. The M, and this is very different than the M for smart goals, which is measurable. Uh, measurability is nice. Um, but here the M is meaningful. It's the Y of the request. You know, how is this going to enable you to do your job better or to help your boss meet his or her objectives or how is it aligned with the organization's goals and objectives? The A is for action. You ask for something to be done. The R is strategically realistic. I encourage people to make stretch requests, but it's got to be within the realm of possibility. And then the T is time or deadline. You have to have a deadline and the more specific, the deadline, um, the better. How much asking is, is enough or, or how much is too much because you don't want to be the guy where people are going, Oh, you know, here comes Bob. He's going to be asking for more because all you're doing is asking. Yeah. It's a very good question. Uh, it is possible to ask too often and it's possible to not ask often enough. So you want to be somewhere in that middle ground. And there's, there's four types of people that I've seen and we've done research, uh, to show that this is the case. The main position you want to be, the main role as an individual or a team or even an organization is what I call the giver, requester. That's someone who is generous, who freely helps other people who doesn't keep track of who helps whom. It's not about, you know, keeping score. And they make requests for when they need something. The, uh, the opposite of the, of the giver, a requester would be the low and wolf. The person who doesn't ask the person who doesn't give, it's probably the most tragic role to have because you're just disconnected from the world. You're not, you know, you're not giving. You're not helping. You're not asking for what you need. The most common category there are four. The most common category is what I call the overly generous giver. And that's the person who was extremely generous, but doesn't ask for what they need. And that leads to burnout in the extreme. It could lead to compromising one's resources or not taking care of oneself. And the, the remedy there is to sometimes you have to put boundaries around your generosity and balance it by asking, uh, when you have something that you need. And then the fourth type, which is the opposite of the overly generous giver is the selfish taker. That's the person that you were thinking about before. Uh, they see that person coming and you say, okay, they're going to ask for something else or not going to help anyone. Um, every friend of mine, I described this to him, he used to be a consultant. He said, oh, we call those people sponges. You know, they just suck in everything and they never give a thing back. So most people are in the overly generous category, but the most effective people are in the giver, requester category. And I would imagine that you want to be careful not to look weak or whiny. And you know, I don't know how to, I need some help. I, I don't know what to do that, that, that doesn't play well. Yes. Absolutely. Um, that's what I think back on that process of, you know, you need to communicate to the person and to do it, you know, at a time and a place and a method of communication that works for the person and say, look, here's what I'm trying to accomplish. Um, here's the resource that I need. Uh, think about those five smart criteria, you know, explaining why it's important, why it's meaningful, when you need it by. Um, that's much, much more like, that's a strong request. That's an effective request. That's not a whining request. You know, sometimes when people go through that preparation process, they realize that the resource that they thought they needed was not what they really needed or the person they thought they needed to ask was not the person. And so I encourage people, that's the last process, the last step in the process is who do you ask? You know, of course, you know, we always think of the usual suspects. Those are the people are, you know, our, our friends, family, co-workers, the people right around this. And sometimes that's the right person. Sometimes it's got to be the boss that you've got to ask, but I encourage people to think beyond that. So there's another way, it's called the two step or two degree method, which is that I might not know who the expert is, but I know who to ask, who knows who the expert is. Uh, I have a colleague of mine, um, who runs a, uh, kind of an innovatrium in innovation, entrepreneur space. Um, and he's used that two step method. He told me he keeps track of it 180 times in one year to incredible success. Another is to use our dormant connections. A dormant connection is someone that you once had a relationship with, but your lives have gone in different directions. Now we might be very reluctant to try to reactivate a dormant connection, like through LinkedIn. Um, but to hear the research is helpful because Richard says that most of your dormant connections are delighted to hear from you again. And they are delighted that you're reactivating the connection and they want to help. And they're even better sources of help because your lives have gone in different directions. That means what they know and who they know is really quite different from your. What happens though, when you ask someone for help and, and, and, and their advice is horrible and, and you, you know, it's like the dumbest thing you've ever heard of, well, how do you then not incorporate their advice and, and, and not upset them? Yeah, I think it's important to express gratitude for help that is offered. Even if it turns out not to be the best help or maybe it's the first help, you know, the person at least tried, I think it's important to do that. Isn't it interesting? I guess it's just cultural that this idea of asking for help is, is so, um, I don't know, just so not natural. And, and yet it's, it's like how, like, and men are often accused of this of, you know, not asking for directions when they're trying to get somewhere, although now you don't really need them. But men for a long time have been accused of, you know, you really just ask that guy how to get to the street. And, and yet when people ask, have asked me for directions, I've always, I'm, I'm happy to help, flattered to help. I'm, I hope I can help this person. It's, it's, I don't know why we don't get that. Why we, we, we don't mind giving help, but we're so reluctant to ask for it. Yeah. I think we can blame our educational system for part of that. Most students growing up, most kids growing up, you know, you're taught to focus on your work, take your test by yourself. It's all about individual achievement and individual performance. And that's how you get rewarded. And so, you know, that kind of reinforces the idea that you really shouldn't ask for help. In fact, in a educational context, asking for help is sometimes considered cheating. But the fact is, is that, you know, work is a team sport. Once you get into an organization, it's a team sport. And the only way you're going to be effective is to overcome the reluctance to ask for what you need. I don't know how you would ever measure this, but when people ask for help, generally speaking, is the help all that great? In other words, is, is the benefit of this because you get insight that you didn't, wouldn't otherwise have, because this person had something brilliant to say, or is it that it just helps to create a better atmosphere or both? I think it's both. Um, but you want to think about what you can ask for as including lots of things. So going to somebody asking for advice or import or review on a report, that's, you know, that's one thing. But sometimes what you need is a connection or a referral. That's a different kind of help that people can give. Uh, sometimes you need, um, you know, social support or it's financial resources. And that's what you need to ask for. Or it could be that you need a sponsorship, you know, sponsorship to be a part of a program or perhaps you need a mentor. That's something else you can ask for. So it all comes back to what's the goal? What are you trying to accomplish? Then what are the resources? And there's, you know, probably an endless list of the resources that are possible. So you want to think through all those about, you know, what is it that you really need to accomplish that goal? Yeah. Well, and you know, it occurred to me too, one of the reasons that I think people are reluctant to ask, and it depends on what you're asking for is, is, you know, that fear of being rejected, being told, no, no, figure it, go, you do. No, I'm not going to help you, but it probably doesn't happen anywhere near as much as people fear it will. It doesn't happen as often as you would fear. That's for sure. Uh, but it does happen sometimes. And so it's important to think about what, you know, what does a no really mean? Maybe the person was just having a bad day or they want to help, but the timing was bad or who knows is that you really don't know why someone says no. It could be a whole number of things. Another is to realize that a no is information. You know, so sometimes you could follow up with, okay, you know, that's fine. I understand. Um, but perhaps could you say, could you explain a little bit so I could come up with a, you know, a better request the next time I asked somebody and ask, sometimes the explanation for the no is something you didn't expect at all, something completely different. Um, so think of a no as information that you can use to refine a request to make a more effective one later on. Well, it seems pretty clear that if you need help, probably the simplest, easiest and most effective way to get it is to ask. And I appreciate you sharing your work. Wayne Baker has been my guest. He is a professor of business administration and faculty director at the center for positive organizations at the university of Michigan Ross school of business. The name of his book is all you have to do is ask and you will find a link to that book in the show notes. Thanks, Wayne. Well, Mike, this has been wonderful. I've enjoyed our conversation. Thank you. People have argued for quite a while now about whether or not vitamin C is very effective at preventing or treating a cold. But one thing scientists don't argue much about is how good vitamin C is for stress studies show that people who take vitamin C before giving a speech. Have lower blood pressure and less of the stress hormone cortisol compared to people who don't take vitamin C. People who have high levels of vitamin C do not show the expected mental and physical signs of stress when subjected to other acute psychological challenges. What's more, they bounce back from stressful situations faster than people with lower levels of vitamin C in their blood. Vitamin C is present in fresh uncooked fruits and vegetables, especially citrus fruits and red and green peppers. Vitamin C is an unstable substance and it is destroyed by cooking and by exposure to light. It's generally agreed that to get the stress reducing benefits of vitamin C, you would need to take about a thousand milligrams or more. And that is something you should know. I'm sure you have friends, family members who would benefit from all the things you learn in this podcast. So please share something you should know with someone you know. I'm Michael Rothers. Thanks for listening today to something you should know.