Cinephobe Ep 302: Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star

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In our podcast, Weird Kids, we're diving deep into our unique upbringings, our friendship with each other, and all the delightfully odd interests we still carry with us today. In each episode we get to share stories of our youth, the things that bring us joy, the problems that we face, and occasionally the friends we've collected along the way. If you're a misfit, an outcast, or just a weirdo who loves all things nostalgic and unconventional, come take a seat at our table. Each week we'll be releasing previously members-only episodes on YouTube and all major podcast platforms, with new episodes dropping exclusively and ad-free on beacon.tv. This podcast contains mature content, explicit language, suggestive situations, and partial to full frontal nudity. Listener discretion is advised. Don't let your kids listen to this. Clearly all these people were available. Yeah, of course. It's a real state of the industry. What else were they? They weren't doing anything. They gave everybody scale. It's like a Wes Anderson movie. You can come in but you get a day rate. You don't get any extra money and they all said yes. Yeah, man, because, uh, well, I don't want to give away cameos to a mean. You want to spoil this fucking- I want to be surprised. This masterpiece. You're gonna do the cast, so. The third point is that, and there's a fuckload of cameos, we're gonna get to them throughout the movie. Oh, okay. Yeah, I just think that's way easier. I just have a brick of text in my notes. Do you? I was not gonna do that. It's six lines long. Jesus Christ. Of names only. You know who's gonna be thrilled about all these names? Tony Bedley. My dad. Oh. Oh, pop. And probably Tony Bedley as well. Yeah. When he finally gets around to listening to us. I gotta find him. Ah. Now you've seen how bad things can get, and how quick they can get that quick. Well, they can get a whole lot worse. So we're not going to fight anymore. You think this dude's gonna take Ed down? MVP is gonna blow Ed out of the water. He's the most valuable primate. Give me a try. I'm sorry, misogynist. Men are hoes too. You've said hoes 58 times in this episode, and I'm the misogynist. What? You won't believe a boba. You guys have notes about 9-11 for this movie? How do you not? Yeah, fuck this. Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All night long. Fuck it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in my dream. That's not how I feel. It is how you feel. It was in your dream. Some of us like to be prepared. How are you not taking accountability for your mind? Because I know I'm lying. Like, I know for a fact I'm lying. You sick little bitch. It was awful. It was incredibly boring. It was long. It was stupid. It was horribly written. Acting was terrible. It was a huge piece of shit. You're a fraud. It's a pho. For everybody to be very respectful. But he's dead now, right? So we can't make fun of him? Is he dead? No, if he's dead, we can make fun of him. He's still sick. We can't hold on to peace. Dead, we can make fun of him. Yeah, I don't think we can. Whenever I hear numbers, my head converts them and the chest moves or seats at the gorge. I don't know what happened to you, man. You used to be cool and then you got blarded. You tried to pick AIDS on me in the T-Rex episode? That's my fault for not remembering what century I was in, bitch. It's been a good run. Thanks for playing. See you at the eulogy. You want the punani? I don't require Ed to have a condom because I trust him. Anthony, you're going to be busy today, huh? Yeah, it's nothing new, chef. Hose! I am an alcohol segregationist. That thing's going to move up like R. Kelly. Look at all the old ladies around the world. I love you. You got horses. What you need are thorns. Sometimes my emotions are just roaring like a T-Rex. That's a lot of pussy. I'm not in here with you. You're in here with me. Welcome to CineFobe, the podcast. We break down the movies you're afraid to miss. I love them. Zach Harper, that's Amin Alhassan. That's Anthony Mays. Oh, I love it when you listen on just about any platform. Let me tell you. Some people sign up for some of the ads on some of these platforms. That's right. Well, Spotify is the platform where you can vote in the poll. The poll for tripping 60.6% fobe, 39.4% file. What's wrong with you, people? Oh, you people. Spotify is also where you can leave a comment like shall007 who said the grandfather kind of reminds me of my late grandfather. He was an old Southern farmer and ate poke every day. When he was 75, he scared the crap out of my family when he disappeared for a week. Turns out he got his much younger girlfriend to book a trip to Germany because he was mad. My dad said he should stop driving. Outta boy. That's a good one. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. He should stop driving. Outta boy. That'll show him. He ended up living to 96. God is ass. I got some questions about the Germany trip. Maze, I noticed that you very expertly edited the podcast so that the only person doing, hey, grandpa said he likes poke was me. I remember a chorus of voices doing that work. I don't know, man. I don't remember that. Oh, oh, get those ready. And BD Danx commented, don't be fucking with my shit. Sounds like the hood version of the poem in cocktail. Oh, okay. I don't remember the poem in cocktail. It's at the cell block. The nerd gets up. That's a good call. And Michael D Rogers says every disembodied voice at the prom is a golden dumpster. Absolutely. Yes. I think my favorite one was take them back so we can turn the music back on. Good movie. Leave us a review. Leave a comment. Make sure you're checking out the CT five episodes on the main feed. Leave us your CT five suggestions and lists on social media or in the discord by being a Patreon member, patreon.com slash count the dings you had access to ad free episodes, extended cold opens, rewatching live events past, present, and future. Let me tell you, I don't know what's getting in this extended cold open today. You're going to want it. It was a good one. Yeah. Tony, Tony medley. Tony medley's in there. Tony medley's back. You get access to watching events for here's the science of bar rescue podcasts every Monday, three Eastern noon, Pacific time. We watch an episode of bar rescue. You get to watch with us and then we record an episode. Make sure you're checking out here's the science. You also get episodes early. You get all of our extra content across the count, the dings network. If you have a submission, submit it. Reminder needs to be 40% or lower on the rotten tomatoes, audience or critic score. We started this new century with crossover for episode 300. And then Pluto TV. Oh boy. Took us from crossover to senseless by reminding us that any smart cookie can get an acceptance letter as long as you don't ask questions about what that means for your future, because your friend literally can't add one 25 plus 35 plus whatever a headband costs. And then hey man from senseless. Pluto TV has suggested the 2003 quirky comedy comedy. Dickie Roberts, former child star comedy, quirky, quirky, quirky comedy, quirky, whatever. Well, you only watch 15 minutes of it. You don't know if it's quirky or not. That's a good point. It might get quirky, quirky Romano, Dickie Roberts, former child star stars David Spade, Mary McCormack and Alyssa Milano. David Spade's fifth time on Cinefo, but he's a six time repeat offender for grownups to Jack and Jill, grandma's boy, senseless, and I saw him at dinner in January. I wish I knew how to quit you. He had Joe Dirt in 2001, this movie in 2003, and 149 episodes of Just Shoot Me from 1997 to 2003. David Spade stars as Spade. Mary was in private parts, deep impact, and K-Packs. And Mr. Alaska. I don't know who she is because I haven't seen her in the movie yet. Alyssa Milano, repeat offender for Hall Pass. I wish I knew how to quit you. I call her Charmed. For years, you woke up the morning after Thursday night basketball on TNT and she was the face and voice that greeted you. The face? There's the face thing of voice. That's what I thought about. Voice things voice. Alyssa Milano also a child star from Who's a Boss. She looks incredible in this movie. She does, but zero cheeks. I caught that part. Could not, Kayla. I could. I don't know if that's true. Greg Birko from the long kiss, good night, and Cinderella man. Don't know who that is. He's the jazz guy on Sex in the City. And I learned today that he was the original choice for Chandler Bing on Friends, but he turned it down for a show called Best Friends That Never Aired. Do we think he'd be dead right now? Well, he was Friends with Matthew Perry and Hank Azaria, who both told him, Hey man, you should take this job. Probably take that Chandler Bing role. Yeah. Fuck me. He said, nah, fuck that. Matthew Perry went and got the audition and got the part. Wow. What's worse, that or Will Smith turning down the Matrix? This guy. Sean Connery turning down the Matrix. No. Or how about this one? Found this one out today. T.I. was supposed to be in Tropic Thunder. He was supposed to be Booty Sweat. Yep. Al Pacino. Brandon T. Jackson. Yep. This guy's got all of them beat, man. Yeah. Because they had careers still. Yeah. I don't know who the fuck this guy is. Okay. It's not just me. They had careers before and after. This guy had neither. Yeah. Damn bro. This guy gets out of the car and in a second I thought, is that Ken Merino? No, it's not Ken Merino. That's the most famous thing this guy's done, is I thought he was Ken Merino. What's his name? Put him down as Ken Merino. Is that Ken Merino? No, it's not Ken Merino. Not Ken Merino. Scott Tara, repeat offender from Daredevil. I wish I knew how to quit you. Jenna Boyd from the sisterhood of the traveling pants. She's a boy, right? That's not knowing how to talk to a dame. She's a boy. John Farley, repeat offender from Waterboy, almost heroes, Douce Bigelow, European Jigalows, Zohan and Jack and Jill. That motherfucker look familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. And then I realized there's a third Farley and he's not fat. Who's the other one? Kevin. He's also in this movie. Bobby Slayton from being Bobby Slayton. Don't know who that is. Five Timers Clubs, newest inductee Michael Buffer. Zoan, Rocky Five, Virtuosity and Harlem Knights. I wish I knew how to quit you. Sandler loves him. Yeah. And Buffer loves Happy Madison Checks. Fred Wolfe, repeat offender for Dirty Work. I wish I knew how to quit you. Emmanuel Lewis from Webster. Webster. Joey Diaz, repeat offender from Taxi. I wish I knew how to quit you. Newest Five Timers member, Kevin Greviu. Yes. MIB2, Congo, Batman Forever and Planet of the Apes. I wish I knew how to quit you. So here's the crazy thing. I had Pluto TV on the other day and it was a random movie. I don't even know what movie it is, but Kevin Greviu was in it. The only reason I knew because I heard his voice. No. Oh, shit. It's Kevin Greviu. Leaf Garrett from the outsiders. Five Timers member, John Lovitz, 3000 miles to Graceland, grownups two, great wide hype and loaded weapon one. I wish I knew how to quit you. Sasha Mitchell from step by step. Tom Arnold, repeat offender from Soul Plane. I wish I knew how to quit you. And then Mays has a brick of him, apparently. I just said a ridiculous number of cameos that I figure will call out as they pop up to the movie. We still got Vernon Frazier, repeat offender from Poison Rose and See No Man, the Scout and Airheads. I wish I knew how to quit you. Rob Reiner as himself, all in the family, child actor. Rob Reiner as stars as up. Spinal tap, Princess Bride, Rachel Dratch from That's My Boy, repeat offender. Hal Sparks from Dude Where's My Car, repeat offender. Doris Roberts from Grandma's Boy, repeat offender. Edie McClurg from Master of Disguise and Van Wilder, repeat offender. Jonathan Laughrin, Peter Dante, those fuckers to have a bunch of movies. I wish I knew how to quit you. And then we have Reda from Parks and Rec. And then here's the brick. Barry Williams, Danny Bonaducci, Corey Feldman, Dustin Diamond, Dick Van Patten, William's, Fred Berry, Gary Coleman, Jeff Conaway, Tony Dow, Corey Hame, Florence Henderson, Christopher Knight, Barry Livingston, Mike Lucanland, Maureen McCormick, Eddie Mecca, Jeremy Miller, Aaron Moran, Haywood Nelson, Jay North, Ron Polillo, Butch Patrick, Paul Peterson, Adam Rich, Rodney Allen, Rippy, oh, Rodney Allen, Rippy, Marion Ross, Ernest Thomas, and Charlene Tilton, all as themselves. Dickie Roberts, former child star, was directed by Sam Weisman. Sam has directed Bye Bye Love, George of the Jungle, and repeat offender for D2, the Mighty Ducks. I see the soundboard is ready to go today. Yes, Mr. Ducksworth. Gawd, gawd, gawd. Two writing credits on this one, Fred Wolf. He wrote Black Sheep, Joe Dirt, and repeat offender for Grown-Ups 2 and Dirty Work. I wish I knew how to quit. He was an SNL writer forever. And then David Spade, lost and found, and Joe Dirt as writing credits. Synopsis for Dickie Roberts, former child star, a 30-something former child star hires a foster family to recreate the childhood he never had. That's what the movie's about. Tagline, 50 million people used to watch him on TV. Now he washes their cars. 50 million. I thought he's a valet. Maybe he's doing both. Haven't gotten that far in the movie. $17 million estimated budget, gross, 22.7 U.S., 23.7 worldwide. Not quite a hit, because I believe this was advertised pretty heavily. Obviously, before we jump to this movie, you'll see the rest of this podcast. Dickie Roberts, former child star, is on Pluto TV. Hey, man. Hey, fella. You like this white boy shit? That's what it said to me. It might say, hey, fella, to you. To me, it's like. Oh, yeah, it's February. Hey, man. You like this white boy shit? Not really. They emailed me to tell me about Black History Month. Pluto TV did. All the offerings they had available. Mm-hmm. That's funny. Didn't email me. Hold on. Well, they knew you knew. Now you know, you already know, man. I gotta tell you some of cinema's best, including the mighty Quinn with Denzel, BET plus original movies, including infidelity. What's the one with the Eman Schumpert? And then Eman Schumpert is in under his influence. Nice. Whoa. We got to do that one if it qualifies. What do you mean? We've got to do that one unless we're getting Eman Schumpert. Absolutely not. I could get them on. Okay. Then we can do it. I don't want to do it just because Eman Schumpert's in it. No, we got to do it. No, we don't have to. We have to. It didn't even come up. It's got zero pixels, pixels, pixels. It's literally never been reviewed by anyone ever. Not even an audience member. The synopsis, a social media influencer falls in love with an inmate and begins a crusade to prove his innocence. After they win the retrial, she learns of a dark secret that changes her life. Is social media influencer in all caps? You bet your ass. Of course it is. Nikki Roberts, former child star receives 22% on 118 critic reviews on rotten tomatoes. 46% from the audience on over 50,000 ratings. I mean, like the positive or the negative reviews. How is it? Not a DQ. I'm a 80% of this movie, unwatched kind of guy. Give me the positives. Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me. Wow. Now that you mention it, it is half full. Frank Switek of One Guy's Opinion. Oh, Anna Switek. Let me tell you something. The tennis chat. What? Tennis? She's a tennis player and she is. Let me tell you something. I realize I don't care about tennis at all. I think you would really like women's tennis. If you just open up your heart. Is Serena still there? No, she's done. Then I'm good. I liked watching Serena. I liked it too. But there's a nice new young crop of incredible players. I hated that. Supercharged that. I didn't like that at all. People talk about athletes as crops. No, especially how we got into this conversation. You said new crop of players in the league. We don't say that. Never said that in my life. Well, what do you call them? Help? Oh, not all of them. Bucks. Just the ones in Milwaukee. Oh my God. What is she? Wow, she is. I don't even know if her name is on it, to be honest with you. It probably isn't some Polish name. Spades version of the wedding singer, a movie that might actually appeal to people who've previously found its star in sufferable, a good natured bit of family fluff. Ross Anthony of Hollywood report card. No, he gets her name. Yeah, you got swatik. They go. The film finds no gag to tacky to take on some which press the boundaries of PG 13 and good taste, but in the end it warms with the G rated heart of gold. Tony Toscano of talking pictures. Titi Tony, Regu. I laughed here and there, not hard, but just enough to have to recommend the film. You have to recommend it. Yeah, you have to have to. You laughed enough. Yeah. It's a threshold, but he wasn't hard. I hit my fifth laugh. Now I have to tell people to watch this. Well, it's a good to five. Yeah. Shit. I laughed in the 10 minutes I watched her. Kevin Thomas of LA Times. This sleek and sunny comedy is an all too rare example of smart and inventive Hollywood filmmaking. No, I've only seen 10 minutes, but I'm going to say that to know. Cheryl Dawson and Lee Ann Palloni of the movie chicks.com movie chicks tag team. Oh, back again. This movie is almost as much of a surprise as it is to wake up on Christmas morning just to find what you want under the tree. Wow. They couldn't even completely finish the reference to the movie. Doug Noop of Seattle Times. Is that N O O P K N O O P. Wow. Oh, wow. Okay. Canoop. Doug Canoop of Seattle Times. Canoople. Cog Canoople. Is he from Wisconsin? Anyone who grew up watching television or revels in every episode of E true Hollywood story and you know who you are should enjoy this movie. Oh my God. Turn of the century, bitch. Nick Rogers of Midwest Film Journal. At least Dicky Roberts is a good dozen jokes apart from being a one joke movie. And it's a good thing spade pen the premise as fiction before Fox tried to pass it off as a reality show. I wonder what that's referring to. That's a very that review is very to CB. Absolutely. Probably talking about simple life or something. Right. No, probably like Big Brother or something like that. No, Big Brother was actually groundbreaking. They're talking about shit like simple life and all those shitty ass Fox reality shows. Simple life was great. The fuck are you talking about now? Who's the hornball? That was a great reality show. And hornball you want to watch House of Wax in the theater, didn't you actually? Me too. You sick little bitch. I mean, wasn't attacking. He was looking for an ally. An ally. Yeah. No, the wrong places. Is this the same space? Negative reviews. Fox had a reality show in February 2003 called Are You Hot? Oh, they were on fire. There's a reference to Elimidate in this movie that made me pop. Oh my God. That's what I wrote. Reference. Yeah. Horseman. Oh, I watched every episode of Elimidate. Oh my God. The winner of Are You Hot was New Orleans native Chantil Boudousque. Okay, I got a Chantil. I got to look at this. She had to be. Oh my God. What is she is gorgeous. Chantil. Oh yeah. I need to spell that. Wait, who's this guy? Can we reboot Are You Hot hosted by Mike from the chair company? Absolutely we can. Fuck all that Love Island stuff. She's white. You thought Chantil Boudousque? The block was not white. Yeah. Like neon Badoe. Stop being pessimist. This tank is not half full. It's half empty. Debbie Lynn Ellis of Behind the Lens. Sorry to say, but it's hard to imagine too much that's worse than sitting through this uneven contrived big screen version of People Magazine's Where Are They Now column? Nelmino of Common Sense Media. Oh, this fraud. Not at all funny David Spade movie. Straight to it. Cam Williams of Bean Soup Times. You okay? Has nothing of value to offer other than a dizzying number of cameos by former child stars, each of whom is only momentarily amusing as a voyeuristic opportunity to compare the grown-ups on screen to the kid ever emblazoned upon our minds eye. Okay, that's not where I thought he was going to go with that. Cam, what the fuck? Where he went was Epstein Island. That review gets a... Judith Egerton of Courier Journal. Teran Egerton. Egg from Game of Thrones. Instead of seeing Dicky Roberts, former child star, you could pierce yourself with sharp objects. Mac versus Standig of The Badger Herald. Versh Dappen. Formula Duel. Foyce. The sort of B actor driven comedic train wreck that David Spade used to dryly mock while doing his Hollywood Minute on Saturday Night Live. Not wrong. Elizabeth Weitzman of The New York Daily Post. That's Zach's kind of review right there. A Weitzman. You know, sometimes you include a name and you're like, I wonder if they'll make the joke I think that... Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Consistency. Texture, flavor, color. Feels like an amusing Saturday Night Live sketch that overstays its welcome by a good 90 minutes. Because that's what it is, Weitzman. Oh, not this month. Katrina Onstad of National Post. On business. The only thing worse than an Adam Sandler movie is an Adam Sandler movie without Adam Sandler. Yes. Oh, so he's not in it? No, he just produced it. Thank God. And racked up another credit to his repeat defender. I do need to let you guys know that we didn't count the Blarts. So he is up to 14. He's in the Blarts or he produced the Blarts. It produced him. Man, he's getting up there. Yep. And then James Hill of BET.com. King of the... Hey, man. At best, Dickie Roberts, former child star is a woefully unfunny and unnecessarily sappy remake of Adam Sandler's dopey yet hilarious Billy Madison. At its worst, Dickie is a polyshore film with David Spade stuck in it. Oof. That's a pretty good review. Yeah, that's pretty dead on. I was waiting for him to say, Hey, man, you should watch Under His Influence. Eman Shumpert in it. It's just kind of tight. Eman Shumpert in it. This is tight. Is that a British guy? Is that Idris Elba trying to get you to watch? He wants to put it. We'll get a means first note, maze first note. And my first note after these messages, unless you are a Patreon member, patreon.com, slash count the dings, which you can add free episode right to meow. A mean, what is your first note? My first note is the things I do for the sake of this podcast. I forgot I wrote that. Maze, what's your first note? I'm imagining this movie as a spin off of a long came poly starring Sandy Lyle. Philip Seymour Hoffman's character. I'm not sure if this will help or hurt my experience yet. It's probably going to hurt it because it would have been so much better. Yeah. With Philip Seymour Hoffman playing this role. My first note. Oh man, we've got an audio montage of old TV shows. And then we kind of went into this, but I want to really hone in on what's the old TV show you remember watching as a kid, like remember the most and it's not of the time. It was an old TV show to the time. Yeah, it was a rerun. Yes. Huff, the Jefferson's, but was the Jefferson. I might have been still having new episodes, but I'm going to go with the Jefferson's because I know a lot of that shit was reruns. They may have been still making new episodes, but I was watching reruns. Happy days is a close second. Mine was I love Lucy. Yeah. Yeah, that was going to be my guess as well. It was on every morning on the local Fox channel at like eight a.m. So in the summer, when I didn't have school anymore, wake up and I watch it for an hour every day. Fuck it was like cable guy for real. Pretty much eight a.m. to nine a.m. It was that and then it was or like moose. And then it was prices right at nine and then I would go out have a summer. Never watch any of those daytime shows. Never not a soap opera not prices right. The game shows I watched with deputy will of fortune, but all those black and white sitcoms. Watch all of them, but you'd watch them because it was on. My dad had the DVDs when DVDs came out and we watched the monkeys. Yes, love the monkeys. False advertising and Peabee's Playhouse. The monkeys is false. Well, more why it is. When you were telling the story last night, you had so much detail. The detail was so rich. It was a rich detail going to incredibly descriptive details of the story. So we are not. Oh, yes. Now it's time for the scenes. Here's what happened. We get the sound montage. Leave it to beaver Brady Bunch 20 CBTV with the opening credits on it. We get happy days, family ties, good times. We cut to each Hollywood story and we get the narrator each Hollywood story. That was some real fucking gripping the that and what was it with AJ DeLario or whatever the fuck he hosted or was it each Hollywood story? AJ DeLario from Dead Spin. AJ Benza, my bad. Oh, okay. Let me say something to younger listeners. We didn't have documentaries. We had each Hollywood story. Well, we had documentaries. No, we didn't have documentaries. It wasn't as prevalent as it is now. Now, oh, did you watch the new documentary about Susan Sarandon? And it's like, and then Susan Sarandon was awesome here. And then Susan Sarandon was awesome there. And now she's still awesome. That's how you guys watch it back then. Each one Hollywood story, they gave us the dirt. Your life was fucked up. You were on drugs and all type of shit. We learned all type of shit. You're selling your life rights out of desperation, not to co-produce your own documentary. Celebrities didn't even know they could co-produce their shit and make a propaganda. Yeah. Oh my God, it was great. Here's a check. You want it or not? Yes, I want it. And then we get to say what the fuck we want. Each true Hollywood story narration. During the 70s, millions gathered in front of their TVs to watch the frothy antics. Didn't like the... Of the glimmer gang. Of the glimmer men? See, no two, bro. To those he pursued, he was known only as the glimmer man. They'd see nothing but shadows. Then a glimmer. Then. Little Dickie Roberts from the center of the show and his crooked smile and casually tossed off catchphrases became the fad of a nation longing for escapism. This is his story. This kid in these pictures is ass off. He's ass off. He looks like a young David Spade. His mom's only goal was to be in showbiz. But once she got pregnant, she felt like it only slowed her down. We get a shot of her. Peggy Roberts smoking a cigarette. And drinking. Wearing a I'm with stupid shirt, pointing at the belly. You want to get stupid? And it's a horrible photo shop. Of course. Ever said who the father was? Who's that man? Rumor was it was David Soul, aka Hutch. Please clip in from the movie star skin, Hutch. Same no two, bro. Don't give up on us, baby. Lord knows we've come this far. The angel and the dream. Sometimes plays a fool. Don't give up on us. I know we can still come. Oh, that's his board. I want to go dancing. Peggy auditioned him for acting parts almost daily. We get an interview of Peggy in 1989. He's got a lot of work to do. He's got a drink and a cigar. Just like in the photo with the T-shirt. Yeah. Dress him up as a cowboy, even a girl. Once auditioned for Pippi Longstocking and he got the part. And I did. But stupid holding the kids hand. It was rough on me. 1972. NBC created a show called the glimmer gang. Dickie was cast instantly. Show was a huge success immediately. And soon his picture was plastered on magazines, lunchboxes, and board games. Is there a more 20 CB item than a lunchbox? A TV branded lunchbox with thermos. It's kind of come back now. His trademark catchphrase was everywhere. This is nothing but. Nothing but. Six years of success, the ratings began to slip. The Dickie phenomenon was over. His mother soon left him and moved out of the area. And I said, what? I get that it's a joke, but what? That's funny. Yeah. He found himself alone. We get Dick Van Patton. Tells us stardom is really hard on child actors. No one would hire Dickie. He had odd behavior. He began compulsive glove wearing. I laughed at that. It's funny. Name legally changed to David soul son. Then he got tired of explaining who David soul is. So he changed it to Hutch's son. That's funny. I laughed at that too. Then he did the elemental charts for flooring titanium and zinc. Then I stopped laughing. That wasn't so funny. Today he's certain of a showbiz comeback, but he's working as a valet parking cars. As everybody knows in Hollywood, sometimes your dreams can come true again. This is the story of Dickie Roberts, the true Hollywood story. Cut to celebrity boxing, the quake at the lake at Lake Havasu. Crash of the Titans prime Fox programming in the TLCV. Manual Lewis against Dickie Roberts. Great popos from this ring girl. Sure. And it says Webster weighs 92 pounds. And I said, where in his jock? No fucking chance. Maybe not the example he's there. Somebody looks like a child. Oh, he's not a child. Enter Michael Buffer to collect another check. Am yo number two, Michael Buffer crowd is booing Dickie as he enters to break my stride. I thought David Spade looked pretty good here. Well, he's only in his 30s. That's the thing is I'm thinking of him as washed up star or whatever. So I'm thinking of him now. Yeah. God, he looks great. I thought why are they booing him? Because in his each Hollywood story, they didn't really tell a tale of him being a supreme asshole who burnt his way out. Right. There was no downfall. People just hate this motherfucker. I'm sure they're going to explain it at some point. No, no, no, they did odd behavior. I mean, odd behavior and gloves. Okay, well, here comes a manual Lewis to Annie up. Demio number three. I popped. He's basically coming out like Mike Tyson. Huge bodyguards. They're hyping him up telling him it's Lewis time. I left. He's got a prison tat. Thanks to E. Sure. Spade wants to know when he was in the joint. Even the ring girl tells Dickie he sucks. Huh? What did she just say? Did you hear that? Bell rings and Webster is shot out of a cannon. He tackles him into the corner. He throws him down. He leaps on him and punches him in one motion. He's beating his ass. This is not regulation. Yeah. I don't think this is within the rules. I laughed when he took the glove off and just started bare knuckle fucking beating him up. Dickie's moaning, let's be friends. I liked your show. Yeah. Which is a funny thing to say while someone's open your ass. He gets Dickie tangled up in the ropes, multiple dick kicks. He's clobbering his face. The corner man, Red Wolf tries to throw the towel or a full mud them. Lewis gets to the top rope. CG flies down and hits him in the nuts. Fights over double knee to the dick. His Annie up reprises and then the rough kicks him in the nuts too. Ah, why does everyone hate him? Will it be explained at some point? Odd behavior. Holy shit. Is that Lissa Milano? She was in the crowd cheering him on too. Now they're 127 miles outside Los Angeles. The car is broken down flat tire. Lissa can't believe it. What's she doing here? Come on, Cindy. It's just a flat tire. I'll get it fixed. And then we can exposition about how our home is in Hollywood. Hello, exposition. Lissa Milano is zero cheeks, but I still love her. Even when she exposition that they're broke and he's riding an autobiography. And why doesn't he just sell it? Can't sell it now. He's a loser. That's the way to his big comeback. How's he fucking a Lissa Milano? Odd behavior. Well, she's not a Lissa Milano on this. I don't give a fuck. She looks like a Lissa Milano. How's he fucking someone who looks like a Lissa Milano? Odd behavior. Odd behavior is a horseman. Dickie thinks Webster's on the juice. No, I think you're just a puss. Same note to Zach. Right? Okay. All right. There you go. Lissa calls him pathetic as he jacks his car too much. Oh, rolling it down the cliff. Dickie says, maybe we can drive it out of here. Cappadoom. Massive explosion comedy. Does insurance cover that? What? Being a moron. No, they squeeze out of it with that act of an idiot clause. Lissa, she hitchhikes and flags down a Camaro. Hey, where are you going, Stud? And I was like, no, she's sexy as hell. And then the guy with his ass completely nailed to him. Opens the door and gives this look that will make an appearance and look at this photograph. Up to you, sweetheart. She's supposed to stall till Dickie can get into, but she leaves him behind. Come on, I'll be a star again. He yells in the middle of the road. Cut to him walking Hollywood Boulevard. You don't respect the Boulevard and you don't respect the fans. Same note too, bro. What an ash. Lifestyle of the rich and the famous. Always campaigning. Always campaigning. We see a gossip paper and it has a picture of Dickie scared on the cover, Emmanuel to Dickie. My punk bitch wife, I think I'll keep him. Had a laugh at that. Go on, Nuff Sir. And then another one that says, the quake at the lake became the bust at the nuts. Yeah, that one I didn't laugh at. Leaf Garrett walks up. Says, hi to her. And you're number four. And gets mobbed by girls who had a crush on him. And one of them is holding a giant Jamba juice cup. Turn of the century bitch. And there's another one. I think the one holding the cup has some TLCB eyebrows. Look at this photograph. Oh yeah. For sure. That was like, wow. I already know what you're talking about. Yep. They won his autograph. Dickie offers his to even on a $5 bill. Make it a 20 comedy. Spade tells leaf he got back from a very successful TV stint. Leaf sees gossip next to his head. No such thing as bad press, right? Except for that. Leaf Garrett fucking ass on Jesus. Yeah, same note too. He has a rock and roll record out. He's happy about it. Acting audition three months ago. Spade says he's been auditioning for movies every day. Rob Reiner's new film, Mr. Blake's Backyard, The Talk of the Town. Hello exposition. This is when I want my real note for Rob Reiner. Then I went back and amended it to Ope. Good for you. Oh, good for you. Rob Reiner did his dog have puppies yet? Ooh, I should send him a note. You know, I have to call him anyway. I left my sweater in his guest room because they're so close. T5 liar. Is it? Leaf references the Frank Sinatra comeback role from here to eternity. One of the Oscar reference. John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. Reference. All of a lifetime. Am I right? Spade's got to go, but Leaf wants to know. Still playing poker on Thursday. Now he's pacing with a plug-in headset at work because we're before Bluetooth. Good Lord. With the flip phone too. Calling his agent. He left three messages. I did get confused because... Cindy and Sydney. John Lovitz is named Sydney and Alyssa Milano is named Sydney. Same confusion too, bro. Well, do either of them have a company called Sydney Industries? It's Sydney. Oh, excuse me. Sydney Industries, yeah. No, they're fine then. His boss calls him out for not working and then gives exposition that I only hired you because I used to watch a show and your life is kind of pathetic. Hello, exposition. Thanks for being a fan. I think he gets in a car, says himself, you never get anywhere unless you bend the rules a little bit and he drives off. See what kind of car it was? A Honda Insight. That was the first hybrid car. Insight, that's what it was, yes. That is a TOCBS car. Absolutely. The idea that we're going to have a hybrid car, but you got to look like a bitch if you drive it. Oh. We're not going to make a hybrid car that looks like a regular car. Mays clip in from The Simpsons. Welcome to The Electric Car of the Future, sponsored by the gasoline producers of America. Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay. One of us. One of us. And everywhere I go, people will point at me and say, wonder if I'm gay. Intro. Hey, fucking. John Lovitz is pretending to be his own assistant, Shaquiqua. John Lovitz is a loose pinoc. This is the way they can see. This is his assistant, Shaquiqua speaking. Sidney, where the hell have you been? I've been calling all morning. Oh, sorry. Hey, you know those pigs I feed? They attacked me. Six of them bastards. I don't get stitches. Vicky's honking at a VWB. They're blocking traffic. A buff guy gets out. That's Sasha Mitchell. Step by step. Kickboxer too. I love that we've got child actors playing uncredited roles. Also pretty sure domestic abuse. So life imitates hard. Huh? You think it's his steroid loving ass that caused that? It might be. To be clear, this doesn't count as a cameo, right? No, because he's not playing Sasha Mitchell. He calls the hybrid a itty bitty wussy car. Dickie calls him a moron, a jujube. 20 CB. Is that 20 CB like 19, 40, 20 CB. You guys are so lazy. Oh, sorry. We didn't get to the depth of this movie so far. Dickie swerves around him and the meathead scribbles the license plate. I wonder if that'll come into play later. And he says smell you later as he drives off. Sidney asked if he's worried about the guy tracked him down. I mean, someone else's car and the windows are tinted. He wants that movie part for Rob Reiner's movie. Love it says it's way out of their league. Now, now you want to get on a limited date. Get on the limit. That's a different story. Oh my God. Let's do an eliminate podcast. Golden dubster. Dickie's going to talk to movie stars for help. Where are you going to meet movie stars? That's the easy part. Cut to alcoholics anonymous. Ah, comedy. Woman's telling a story about blacking out and Dickie's trying to chat up Tom Arnold. Get me on number five. It's Tom a in here. He wants to listen to the cross addicted sex addict. I see on TV all the time. Hey, Orville and Wilbur called. They want to buy your collars. You're going to take off from the kitty hawk at sundown. Spades delivery is pretty good. What's that need? They invented an airplane and your lapels are unusually huge. Golden dumpster. That's funny. Where is it? I can bench 350 pounds. Dickie is schmoozing him. He compliments true lies. Then the group leader asked Dickie if he's an alcoholic. Whoa. He loudly protests. Oh no. Last thing I need is a getting around town that I'm some drunk Alky loser. Not that it's bad. It's cool. Everyone looks really uncomfortable. And that ladies and gentlemen is the end of a means notes. We are going to watch the rest of this movie and finish the rest of this podcast. Well, it's good that he pointed out that he only watched 10 minutes about 45 times. Well, leave this part in too. It's going to click. Well, I'll see if I have a different energy afterward. Maybe I like the movie. Oh man. I love cold middle. Let's come up next. And now for something completely different. Disregard everything that we said in the intro to this podcast about this movie. Disregard all of it. Spoiler alert. The horseman is Epstein Island. This is one of the most egregious diddling movies we've ever done. I've got some questions for you. For me? You picked the motherfucker. I didn't pick it. I didn't know anything about it. Oh, you did? Why in a second? Whose name is attached this movie in this French? She's no, no, no. We could have done Mac and Charlie go to Philly or whatever the fuck that movie was called. That was for my pick. Oh, he could have done the honeymooners is what he could have done. Oh my God, I begged you for the honeymooners. I said it's not that bad. Well, okay. Well, that that is an absolute turn of heel right there. I begged you for the honeymooners. I expected that from him, not from you, Mace. I begged you. Please give me Cedric the Entertainer. Cut to him driving. Got to be another AA meeting around here somewhere. He sees Brendan Fraser outside of meeting. Number six. Bingo. I'll take Brendan Fraser to block. Hollywood Square's reference pulls up, walks in. Sorry I'm late, gang, but I am wasted. Drinking shots like a madman. I'm shocked, cocked, and crapless. You know what I mean? One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor, right? Who's with me? This guy knows what I'm saying. Can we help you? Oh God, I hope you can. My name's Dicky Roberts, and I'm a whiskey pukin' algae. Well, that's all very interesting, but this is a Lamasse class. Oh, okay. Nice to see you. Ah, film blanc. Go on, Mithy. Fraser found it hilarious. It's the dumbest thing he's ever witnessed. Introduced him to his wife. Have you met? No. Actually, we have. Three years ago, you hit on me, and I shot you down, and you stole my number from a friend. Drunk down me 30 times, trying to hook up for some booty call. And I said, Daisy Chain? Brendan says, you know we've been married more than three years, right? Ah, comedy. Dicky goes, yes, right. What's up? I didn't like that. Is that comedy, or is that cockadee? Because Brendan Fraser didn't seem upset. I think he's very secure and not worried about Dicky Roberts trying to steal his wife. The 31st call, you don't know what happens. He knows about the audition for Mr. Blake's backyard. Fraser, Fraser, it is Fraser. That's how you say that name. Got to a poker game in Dicky's shitty Hollywood apartment. Oh my God. With fell dogs, Screech, Bonaducci, Leif, and Barry Williams, AKA Greg Brady. 7, 8, 9, and 10. He's bragging about Brendan Fraser calling for him. Jorge of the jungle. Can't speak for Barry Williams, but the other three guys, real pieces of shit. Was Screech a real piece of shit? Of course he was a real piece of shit. I know he died of cancer. That's the only thing I remember. He's a shit-cancer. Bonaducci, absolutely a piece of shit. Feldman. Piece of shit. Look, he's a piece of shit, but he may have gotten molested by Michael Jackson. No, he didn't, man. Michael Jackson is a molest nobody. Calm down. We're not talking about R. Kelly. You don't have to get so aggressive here. What do you talk about R. Kelly? Why would you even bring up R. Kelly? How's that top of mind? Let me just go into the DMs. What DMs are Markely? Can we read that quote actually from Amin? You got DMs of Markely? Whoa. No, DMs are you about it. What did I say? Amin said, quote, that unapologetically prolific serial child rapist is ass off doing the Jordan walk, and he's made some pretty fire music along the way. Sounds like I called him exactly what he was first. Well. With no qualifications. Nope. You sent a video. You said, hey, say what you will about the man. But this is pretty ass off to which I replied, he's a child rapist. That's what I would say about the man. And then you said that's certainly one thing that is said about him. Yes. See. But another thing is. Yes, and. He is ass off doing the Jordan walk, and both things can be true. Both can be true. We can say that child rapist is ass off doing the Jordan walk, that unapologetically prolific serial child rapist is ass off doing the Jordan walk, and he's made some pretty fire music along the way. That's the progression. That's just one block of me talking. Yes. No, I don't believe that. Well, I screenshot it. So in case you try to delete it, you deleted your messages in between. That's what happened. Can we get the lady from that? I think he should leave sketch to read that as a deposition in court. I think someday it will be. Then cut to a beat with headphones on. Confused. He rolls dice that were in his pocket for some reason. Fuck him with them. We got a lot of poker. And we got a lot of references during this poker game. Lot of references, a lot of jokes about eBay and selling things on eBay, which it is 2003. So very of the time, and original props from the Brady Bunch. And they're also not betting a lot of money because it's a $10 bet and they don't have any. Because they're broke. Barry Williams, all he possesses is knickknacks from the Brady Bunch. And they're shitting on current actors. Bonaducci doesn't get why people made George Clooney, sexiest man alive. They should have gone for Nick Nolte. Belldog says, Clooney is a great star, huge and deservedly so. Lots of chatter. Bonaducci loved that boat movie. Screech doesn't get Brad Pitt. Everyone agrees. He changes his hair. Brady raises again with an authentic replica of a Jinx Tiki idol. Everyone folds except Dickie, who doesn't get Vin Diesel. Is he good looking? I mean, I don't know what's going on with him. Is he Chinese? I mean, I don't know. My doll in the back. Yep. Save notes, bro. I wondered. I knew that was. I wondered. I did not. I knew. It's so horrible, man. You're such a dick. Besides, you'd kick your ass. Come on, Dickie. How jealous can you get really? It's getting bad. Vin Diesel's actually a cool guy. Yeah, indeed. Yeah. All right. He actually let me money once. I just want to be a star again. So goddamn bad. Then asks what the miss is the most. It's not the limos, not the girls, the money, the parties, the girls, the money, the parties. Screech can't believe they had limos. Seriously? You guys had limos? Ass on. He might have won it right there. Of course. It's Dustin Diamond. I know. But look who he's sitting at the table with, Zach. Leaf Garrett would like to have a word here. Ass on in this movie is a horse race. And there are a lot of horses. You got horses. What you need a thoroughbred. It's everyone at the table. The motherfuckers are like a stampede. The Genghis Khan riding. Instead of that famous painting of the dogs playing poker, it's just asses playing poker at a table. Miss is something so bad it hurts. I just miss the love, you know. My mom loved me when I was a star. People love me when I was a star. Mommy talk. Gives you a center. It makes you feel good inside. But you know what? It's all going to happen. I got my fingers crossed. Two pair. Rear and weep. What are you, knuck and futz? Brady's got four of a kind and takes the pot. Sometimes you guys amaze me at what parts you want to hone in on detail. I didn't give a shit about this poker game. I was like, just get to the fucking point. Oh, really? You didn't pay attention? That's weird. You know what amazes me when you hone in on something? Because I find humor and a light of inspiration in my details. How much cum could one dog possibly have? We got to break down the script writing. It's not just about humor, I mean, I'll never let that go. You hear that listener? I'll never let that go. I will be saturated and riddled with dementia. It's true. And I'll still be angry about that. Like next week? I'll put it in that part. I'll be saturated and riddled with dementia intro. Brady's got four of a kind takes the pot. He'll bet a thousand dollars. Actually a hundred in the March of Face football. The Brandon Fraser never calls any calls right then immediately. Yeah. And Dickie answers the phone like a mean. This is Dickie talking. Well, yes, Brandon. Well, yeah, I can meet Rob. Right. And tomorrow at noon, he hangs up. They celebrate. Well, it's all in today's work. So we couldn't get that other side of the phone call. But dude, here's how stupid I am. I was like, oh, he's fucking full of shit. It's Domino's or whatever, calling him. Nope. That was their way of getting around, not having Brandon Fraser for more than that fucking scene. Yep. Unbelievable. Mm-hmm. What are you? Unbelievable, man. Oh, there's some. Let's get to the next part of this movie. Absolutely. That's a horse. But I don't even know that it's lazy writing. Yes, it is. No, it's something different. It's teleportation. He's driving love its car. He's going to nail this bastard. You believe you'll receive. You doubt you go without. He hangs up so he can crank up right like the wind by Christopher Cross, except he's changing the lyrics to, to be a star again, changing the words, not the vibe. He's at Reiner's building. Rachel Dratch yells to hold the door of the elevator. He pretends to horribly and she's carrying so many papers and she runs right into the door. Thank you. We didn't get elevator doors that close and she sneaks in and everything. Or close on her arm and carry her up as elevator goes up. Exactly. Yes. Here's my detail that I'm going to hone in on Rob Reiner's name is on the directory, not the name of his production company. It's just Rob Reiner. I noticed that room 304 turns out she's Rob's assistant. Yeah. He apologizes says he couldn't be late to see Rob. You got a lump like a looney tune character on her forehead. He wants to read the script, but it's on complete and total lockdown. She says she'll sneak in my copy because she recognizes him from that TV show. You will. Sure. But you'll have to wait until hell freezes over asshole. Come on. Rob will see him now. Dicky Roberts. This is not good. Farts saying this is not good. Farts hilarious. Now say in Spanish. I'm kidding you. That's on what that's on for Rob Reiner. Look at this photograph. You're out of your fucking mind. Then he tells the most look at me, Louis story ever. I like this scene. So Nicholson says to Tom Cruise, you know, and that Jack voice of his. That they mean wars are really good actress. We should retitle the movie a few good men in one damn hot chick with huge boobs. One hot chick with a giant paw paws. I see you parking cars at Morton's. Me? Yes, you did research and roll for a movie. And that movie is called Valley Parkers. Turn it down for Rob's movie. Dicky's the right height for the part Rob imagined. Right. Build hair, basic look. Even though Dicky will do any form of drastic cosmetic surgery for the role. But this is a very big, but this is a huge acting part. The entire movie hinges on this performance. I don't think you could handle it because you're not a real person. For you to research this part, you have to find out what it's like to be normal. You missed out on the basic foundation of adulthood, which is a childhood. This is Rob Reiner telling him, you look the part, but you're so ass on. There's no way you can do this role. He might disguise it with, oh, you don't have a childhood or whatever. He's telling them your ass on. He's telling them you're Michael Bean. That's why you're not getting this part. He says, who cares about that? Look, I'm good. Throw me a little something, something for this supposed childhood I missed. I'll act it out. Let's say you're six. Let me see the look on your face on Christmas morning when you sneak down the stairs and see a red bike under the tree. I love this exchange. I'll be Dicky Roberts. You'd be Rob Reiner. All right. Holy shit, a bike. You're six. Holy crap, a bike. You're six. A bikey too far back. Golden dumpster nominee. He tells them he'd probably have to relive his entire childhood and a light bulb goes off. Is that all that goes off? The plot lifts off. Luckily he's not casting the part for another couple of months, but barring some kind of a miracle. Cut to love. It's his office. He's selling his autobiography to fund it. Dicky only wants the sexy sensational stuff minimized. How sparks Zoltan is there to tell them that on page 47, Yada whistle stuck up his ass. Whole chapter on it. I like how how sparks no matter the role that goatee goes nowhere. I'm a lawyer. I'm a book salesman. I'm a cultist. It's always there. The sale of the book was a lot easier than was implied earlier in the movie. No, it wasn't. He just didn't want to do it because he looks like a loser. He was waiting for the big triumphant comeback ending. I'll just preface this. Love it. That's off. I'm expecting full judgment. Fine. I'll accept it. I left so hard when he talked about a light bulb being up his ass. He said, well, partially it was sticking out a bit. So when I bent over, it looked like my ass had a good idea. I'm not proud of it. That was so funny to me. I was freaked out because I literally just had that happen. Written a light bulb in my notes. Oh, upside down. Two seconds earlier. And then he talks about his ass getting a good idea. Standard advances $30,000 and love it flips out. They'll take it. Remember when books, you could get in advance for $30,000. What a time. Turn of the century, bitch. Oh my God. So he immediately spends all that money by putting an ad in the paper. Celebrity seeks to be treated like a child for one month, offers 20 K plus room and board. That's $32,000 today. You guys hear that? It's a lot of money. What, the cup? No, I hear a montage. What is CB, by the way, adding the paper? Followed by rushing to his answering machine for 67 messages. Super Daisy chain from out of your play cut to a driveway with the chained up pit bull and a Confederate flag leather daddy biker comes out wants him to dance with the devil. Next up, some black folks in the hood. You could tell because the music switches. It does. You got the kids. Ash, we got the family. Oh, and it's red. Sad eyes, Sadie and mad dog. Hey, oh, Dickie, you knuck and futz. Yo, call a bitch. Then a man in a silk robe. I just wanted to say it the way the writer intended. I mean, got it. Please clip in the blooper from Horrible Bosses 2. What is it? Y'all playing music that ransom to save your business. I just like hear you say a man in a silk robe says he doesn't have a family per se. Then asks, is it hot in here? Undoes his robe says his twinkie has been teasing him eats it whole. Not the whole thing. Try on foot music because he pulls up to a quaint suburban home. I wonder if this will be the one. It's a suburban home with a Chevy suburban in the driveway. Pop I hops out of it. And the white woman unloading groceries. Oh, I thought was a Mario bellow for a long time in this movie. Hmm. That's OK. I've got one that's worse than you. I don't doubt it. No pushback here. Wife doesn't know what he's talking about. But then the husband gets back. He's got to eat up. This is where I thought this was Ken Marino with a fucking coat. Oh, I've never seen this guy in my life. I have seen this guy. I can't remember what movie it was. And he's actually not that bad. He's a funny guy. He was pretty good in this. Yeah, he could have been Chandler Bing. But he turned it down. That's the guy who could have been Chandler Bing. That's him. Damn, buddy. He does Dickies catchphrase. It's a mutually advantageous business venture. They call the kids down. Sam and Sally. Dickie talks to them like bingos. They are then in the kitchen. We get some exposition. That the wife finished night school and started interior design. Oh my God. That costs money. Money we don't have. Hello, exposition. That's part of the reason I took these classes. She did it to contribute income. An exposition. He scoffs. And he says, when? Of course you're on his side. I laughed so fucking hard. They could use extra money, TV ads down at the car lot. Asking her as a favor to help him out thinks it'll be a good thing. Cut to him in the kid's room. He needs a bed. Should it be a crib? Here's a 20. I like the idea. Let's just bring it back a touch, OK? How about a water bed? What? Got a little lower back noise. OK, hold on. I was surprised at the kid's chivalry room because on the outside, that house looks massive. Huge. But then I was like, you're going to put this man It's an adult male. In the room with him. And he just requested a water bed. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most egregious diddling movie we've done. Epstein Island started in a suburban home apparently. Because the parents are like, cool, have fun in there. Shut the door, close the lights. Operation redo childhood is about to begin. Love, it's can't get through to Reiner's office. He must love five to six to seven, eight messages. Well, then leave nine, 10 or 11. And Dickie said leave messages 9-11. Then you read the script last night, couldn't make heads of tails of it. Maybe I do need to learn something. Well, hutches your dad. You got more talent in your veins and have the actors in this town. You'll be great. Pop. And he admits. David Solis, not my father. Oh kid, I'm sorry. Is it Starsky? I laughed. Golden dumpster. I laughed at that for sure. Dickie doesn't remember his real dad. Who's that man? Just remembers playing Candyland. Sad music, because he talks about both parents leaving and he tells Love It's, he's a good agent. Sam calls him stranger danger as he sets up the water bed with a hose through the window. Yes, Sam. He is stranger danger. Yes. Don't touch their video games. No touch Sally's stuff either. No touchy. Sally thinks the water bed thing is silly. Are you cuckoo in the head? Yes, Sam. You're ass on as well. Sally will certainly be ass off, right? No, they one up each other. We get this whole thing about the fucking water wiggle. Water wiggle. So we get some water wiggle accidents position. References out the ass here. A slew of product placement. A fire hose as he asked about other toys. One of the toys the kid said was go bots. Yeah. Sean asked him digging a pool. That child has never heard of go bots in their life. I would say never heard of he man either. Maze, do you know what go bots are? No, exactly. That's pre Maze's childhood. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Okay, that's enough. Don't make me call the Guinness book. But what about the best game of all? Come on guys. Candyland? No. Don't know it. No? I got you. Woo, in your fresh candyland. That was the most fun I had as a kid. I remember I picked the card with the ice cream bar on it. I was like, we have a winner. Woo. Yeah, whatever. But still, it's water wiggle that you should be thinking about. Steady chicken little. If this kid has never heard of candyland, they've never heard of go bots, he man. What about the temptations? Are they familiar with the catalog of the temptations? Yeah, they know every word. They're going to know it cold. To be fair, that's a great song. It is a great song. Outside, Dickie turns the hose on. Blink 182, damn it plays. And the hose goes crazy. Cool, buddy. He gets fully wrapped up in it. He falls down. The dog barks at him. Another horseman called Physical Humor done by a stunt double. It ratchets up from this point. Oh, he goes big time. There's a lot of physical humor, which some people are like, oh, this dumb, it's cheap slapstick or whatever. I have the opinion, oh man, you can have really, really funny slapstick physical humor. Of course. Jim Carrey, Marlon Wayans. Paul Blart falling down. Paul Blart, Kevin James. You don't have to tell me. For God's sake, you like the movie or not, you have to respect. They're putting their bodies on the line for the joke. I don't think Maze does. You have to respect it. You got to respect it. You got to respect the craft, right? I respect the falls, man. I count them. You do. This fucker right here doesn't do any of it. They cut to him getting up. You don't get credit for physical humor if you're not doing the physical part. Quick idea. If we ever break off from this company and do our own company, count the falls. CTF. Zaki Inc. Zaki Industries. Zaki Industries? Fuck, that's what I should name my LLC. God damn it. He grabs the nozzle and he's tough talking it. You like that? What happened, bitch? They're children. It's water wiggle thing. It's like a Stephen King movies. That's supposed to be a toy. They open a garage. Oh my gosh. Look at all this shizz it. What's shizz it? A secret way to swear. Cobra formula. There's a farmer button make a sound toy. C-N-C. So Dickie starts making sprinkler and motorcycle noises. And jet skis and some shit I don't know. Then he gets self deprecating all the people in his life. The shit on him gets into a you suck. No you suck dude, back and forth with himself. And he smashes the farm along on the ground and looping rooster crows. Moo. Did they show us him getting bullied or did they let him tell us? Let him get him bullied. He's gonna tell us. Yeah, I think that's more efficient. I mean to be fair the ring girl did say you suck. Didn't explain why. Now I know why. Because he did it with his kids. All right cut to family dinner. Sally can't find her field hockey jersey. Mom washed it, folded it, put it in her drawer. No wonder she couldn't find it. Bitch, bitch mom. What? Stranger danger. What's up with the gloves? Sanitary reasons. Don't want to stop you. Talk talk talk. I love all this normal crap. Hey where's George? I want a little dad action. Oh. Oh daddy. Dad it's never a dinner because he's out there in his secretary. Poppy talk. Sally starts gossiping exposition about Heather Bolin. Most beautiful girl in school. Her older brother picks on Sam. Who gives a shit? I didn't even catch that part. Dicky answers his phone. It's love it's housing Chinese food. Rob Reiner was meeting with Sean Penn. But don't worry. Love it's befriended security. He says study up on being a kid is going great. Get me in there. I'll nail that part like Jesus the carpenter. Everyone stares at him. All family puts their cutlery down. Those are wasps. Sorry I get a little excited. Gonna go drain the main vein. Mom stares again. Yes mom. I mean I go pee pee now. As soon as he leaves the kids start talking shit behind his back. Start shit not him. Why do we let him sleep in the house? Save note too bro. Put him in the tree house. Oh but the tree house gonna fall apart. Dicky's overhearing it and he's catching feelings? Motherfucker what did you think? Well he just doesn't like people talking shit about him. He's so oblivious to everything. His friend Screech. Sam says he's totally out of control. Kids don't want him around. Make him go away. Of course. But they can't because Pop made a deal. What kind of a deal? Sam wants Dicky to live in the tree house and they gaslight the shit out of him into going out there. Sally ass on. Really that's surprising. The child actors were bringing it. That's a great idea. A real kid would do that wouldn't he? But then he's got a disco ball and he put up a curtain and now the kids want to go up there and check it out. The kids are curious and I said uh oh. Freak out is playing? La Freak. Say sheek. Why is he entertaining children in a pimped out tree house? Why is he drinking with them? Why would you dad but I even. Why would you stranger danger? Don't worry he doesn't listen. The kids think it's cool. Now it's raining and thunderstorming. They're telling scary stories. Clip roll models. Yes same notes. Yes Monage. Martin's scary story. Monage. And as the barn door creaked open ever so slowly. Standing there with the moon at his back. And holding the severed head of the pediatricians mother in his hand. Was. Phillip. The pizza delivery boy from when they ordered pizza at the beginning of the story. Come on you guys. All right whatever you guys are unscarable. It's Heather Bowen. From the beginning of the movie. The girl that I was talking about in the last scene. Why is she saying the word witch like that? A witch. Because it was bitch in the script. They had to change it probably. She sounds like coffee brown saying off the bench. Binch. She mentions that Heather Bowen has really hot capris and I said T-O-C-B. Capris. Come on now. It's Dickies turn a story called the day the sitcom got cancelled. As he's telling the story the kids are freaking out because he's got a tarantula on his shoulder. Tarantula 20 C.B. My favorite part is the bingo boy. He keeps saying no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. He never acts he says Dickie or anything. He just repeats the word no no no no. Well he's getting ready for later. We see comedy with silhouettes from outside the tree houses. They run around and try to get the spider off him. Sound effects crashing and breaking noises. Now Dickie's having a bad dream in his water bed. An ass on nightmares what I call it. Because it was so poorly explained I'm wondering is he dreaming this tarantula thing. I thought he was dreaming about getting... Is that the sound he makes? I had just watched the season of curb where Larry invents the fake bad dream to get out of something. Yeah. So that's what I thought was going on at first. Not realizing this is not a sophisticated level of writing here. I thought he was trying to bait them into something. Yes. Bait the mom. And then it turns out no he actually was having a bad dream. He sings a lullaby. Hush little baby. Hush the baby don't you cry mom. I always think of dumb and dumber. What do you think that next line is? Hush little baby don't you cry. Mama's gonna make you a mockingbird. If that mockingbird don't sing mama's gonna get you a diamond ring. Sure. You're getting back on track. Yeah bird. Yeah. What if that diamond ring don't shine? I don't know but all I asked was is this supposed to be touching? Comedy? Well. Tension? He thought it was gonna be a lot of touching. It works. He falls asleep. It's the nicest thing anyone's done for him. No he doesn't fall asleep. No he fakes it. He fakes fall asleep. She walks out. He starts talking about. By the way your mom's really hot. What? Ew. What am I wrong? And what's the backyard like? Has she got the G string going or? Them big old grannies with the louvers. I'm bitten sweet dog. Oh yuck. What the fuck? Come on Sam pretend she's not your mom. Are they real? I think they're real. I bumped into them the other day and it was like boing and I was like boing boing boing. Dicky she's our mom. She's my mom too and I'm dealing with it somehow. Anyway goodnight prude people. Dream the dream of prudes. Prude it up. Have a nice G rated dream full of prudence. Go to sleep Dicky. If for some reason I'm in this setup and he starts talking about my mom like that. I'm smacking the shit out of him as a child. Well that could learn that hurt people hurt people. What stranger danger on the slip and slide master this first step to being a real kid and he sprints towards it. Oh no Dicky don't do it without water. He's ready to rod on his chest. Cromedy. He has a big red mark on his torso. It's gone in the next scene which is maybe two minutes later. Dicky thinks water is lame so he moves it up with western vegetable oil. I have a couple of vegetable oil. I mean he's slicking my hand. He's like a cow. Feels like a fish. Almost like I can't even hold on to him. And then he slides like Nick Fury or Raj from Ben Wilder whichever you want to do. That's right. Crashes through wood fence. Oh shiz it. Pulls a splinter out. Says that toy is insane in the membrane. Insane. Got no brain. Reference but also this is written by a white person who's. It's written by a very funny white person and I think was rewritten by David Spade who's not funny. On set. Now they're in the kitchen. He asked what kids drink. Soda root beer. Not a wussy kid or real kid had me at the beer part lost me at root. He's trying to get these kids drunk. Where the fuck is Chris Hansen right now. What are you doing here and they start reading the transcripts of what this motherfucker is saying. Pedophilia. He's gonna buy these kids beer now for some reason. Angel City ale. Sam explains they're supposed to think about drinking it in the future. I knew kids that were on TV shows getting whipped up when they're 16. Whiffed up. Whiffed. Coke. Tooth. Lines. Blast. Brails. Nose candy. Devil's dandruff. Power flower. Sniffy jiffy. Booger sugar. Come on. Sam the rest of the class on page 52. Dicky. When you're talking to me all I'm thinking is brick wall waterfall. Dicky thinks he got it. I really don't and I do so boom with that attitude. Peace punch captain crunched. I got something you can't touch. Bang bang choo choo train. Why me if I do nothing no Reese's piece is seven up. Mess with me I'll mess you up. Interesting. Whatever. God I hated this. Goes on for so long. Tells him sniffy jiffy is no good. But he did whatever he wanted wherever he wanted. Sally explains that might be why he's so messed up now. Oh how dare you. I got you your precious root beer instead. Then we get a burp montage. An ADR burp montage because none of them can actually burp. That ends with him belting I want to bang your mom. And mom sees it. In my note. Why did I mean pick this? How dare you. How dare you. How dare you. Cut the night time. Them in bed. By the way thanks you guys. For what. For going along with this cobra formula. Knock it off the stranger danger thing. Sally says he's a cool guy deep down inside. So deep people stopped looking. Deeper than a well deeper than the ocean. Deeper than the Marianna's trench. He cuts them off. He gets it. And then he says little prude sleep. All back. Yes he's calling them prudes. Because they don't want to talk about their mom underwear and how bigger titties are. Why did you pick this. And then Sally says insane in the membrane. Reference. Call back. Next morning mom's making tea and oh my god the dad is back. Where is he been. You know where he's been. Mom asked when he got in last night. Would you get off my back. Is that what the salesman would like to drink. And I said oh my god they're setting it up for a spade to end up with the mom. That won't be scarring for the children though. Excellent foist with my sales would like to drink. They do. I don't. I don't. Patagonia. I do it to keep him happy. And I cannot wait for a mean to defend this goateed piece of shit. Ken burrito. It's gonna be great. Dickie comes in with champagne and his hair in a little bun and a face mask on. Reference and also show nice and dig the pool. That kid don't know the Flintstones champagne brunch for his new family. How about that. Mamosa for me posse champagne for my real friends and I'm a real pain for my sham friends. He laughs at his own joke like a mean George asked Dickie to come to the dealership. Sam's never been asked to go. Dickie asked mom to push him in a stroller then makes dad tell her to do it cut to him being pushed in a stroller and he starts flirting with her. Of course he's having a hard time wrapping his head around the word mom or mommy or mother. His mom wanted him to call her by her first name and grace is too beautiful to be a mom calls it the most ridiculous endeavor ever attempted. Here's any McCleurg stops around the street to complain about their tree droppings trying to be good neighbors but you're making it really hard in nuisance. Aren't you a little big for your stroller. He starts roasting her. Aren't you a little big for a sidewalk. Good God hide the wicker furniture. This ass means business. Folks is not a drill China. I'm sorry about the tremors but this lady needs her mail. What cat got your tongue or did you eat that for breakfast too. The tongue or the cat question. No no no no no no no no. That's how he does it. Edie tells her to keep their filthy dog pop by a way to calls her a horrid neighbor. Dickie tells Grace to stand up for herself but he liked doing it for her. She admits it was nice. She's not used to it. He's gonna bang this mom. Same no two I mean. Guy recognizes him from the show the washed up actor freak. Can I get a picture. He puts the guy's camera in his pants takes four pics. Of his dick. Tells the guy to make doubles. Oh it's the same Olympus stylus epic from crossover. Oh shit. It's the most popular camera of the Pluto TV era. Hey man you want to take some pics. Is it a digital camera. No it's film. That is 20CB I put TLCB in my notes. Grace tells Dickie to dye his hair to stop people from recognizing him. Great idea. Not only is she sexy she's also a smart mommy. Why did this compliment almost make me puke I said same no two. Manage that note. But she's smiling when she says it. Cut to the dealership. I thought the reason why he's never had his family at the dealership is because he's doing all types of fucking wild shit. He wants Dickie to come over because him and Dickie gonna hang out like yo Dickie's my friend y'all let's do shots off these strippers asses or whatever. Nope he's giving Dickie life advice. Racist life advice. Well. It's a racist story about prices and sales. Dickie's got a better joke. Two gay monkeys go to Istanbul. Oh and Zach was like oh I'm gonna bend diagram. Not a joke this is George's philosophy of life. Money making money. Yeah money is. Actually no it's. I'll be honest with you Dickie. I've been married for 14 years of the same woman. Hey we got a couple of kids they seem like nice kids. I don't know I don't spend a lot of time with them. Not really much of a kid person. I don't know about treadmill Dickie. I look around I see everybody else is having all the fun. Just when I think I can't take it anymore. You fall into my lap. You're my answer Dickie. You're the thing that's gonna make me happy. Wrap it up with some. Ah homophobia. I'm not into dudes if that's what you're ramping up to. Like I don't. I did. I don't anymore. Mace clip Charlie Sheen. Flipping the menu. Right. Yeah the other side of the menu. Yeah. What about that has kind of still given you pause when people inquire about. Because when people say sex with men you immediately think of like but sex. I mean it's hard to be graphic but that's kind of like where the mind goes right. Yeah. And it wasn't that. So I don't want to be like okay I did this thing but that part of it didn't happen because it but it didn't you know what I'm saying. He says you get what you want out of my family and I said a hope you out here selling ass. Your family's ass. Cut to loads buying a star's map but Rob Reiner isn't on it. Got to Dickie dyeing his hair and he falls asleep. Meet the kids at the school. Cut to the school. Sam's getting bullied. Dickie shows up with hair dye on his face. Sees the Teen Titans dangerous knights crew mocking him. The redheaded kid who's bullying him from afar. I thought that was the kid from Everybody Hates Chris the bully on that show. Until I got a clear shot of his face and I said oh no this kid is way uglier. Never mind. You're heading down to problem child scenario. We have a Jared Fogle thing going on here. He's got pictures of this kid. This kid is a foggy kid. He looks like a claymation. Yes. Character. I mean the three of these guys. Who the fucks to do with the yo-yo. Yeah I don't know. Fucking Tony Soprano over here. What is he. I was just going to say you said Teen Titans dangerous knight crew. It's more like junior Soprano's not junior Soprano the junior Soprano's the junior Soprano's. Yeah I said one of them is a young Gordon Bombay because he said his widdle sister and I said widow this dude's got his khakis with a button down tucked in. He's going to middle school. Look Sam's tall so you can't beat the shit out of one of these kids. Dickie steps in and calls them fat. You bastards want to go toe to toe with me. Is that red hair. Did someone light a fart off of your mouth. He's bullying children. Yo this is Zach's dream mocking kids with a dock river studio audience. I loved this scene. Did you. I would love for someone to try to bully one of my nieces and nephews. Oh okay. I would show up and wreck these kids. The kids are taunting Sam by calling him Sammy the Sissy acting all prissy 20 CB. Fake sneeze into double birds now beat it everyone. Applauds. Giving the fingers to the little children. Absolutely. Kids raving to mom in the car a verbal beating a carpet bombing. Up. I know exactly what time of you know exactly when this was. Yes. That one was recording some Donald Rumsfeld chip. F. Get a stare. Mom's not impressed that Dickie insulted Sam's friends. They're not my friends. They're boys. Mom's going to an interview for an interior design job. How do you know. Maze. She announces it to everyone in the car. Transition. Sally calls it cool shizz it. What's shizz it. It's a Dickie word. Ah, co-reformula. Dickie formula. Now continuing to talk out loud mom says I don't know this part of town. I'm going to be late to my interview. Blah blah blah blah. Hello exposition. I'm new in town and I've only had sex twice before. Tina Rex over here. They have to stop for a fire truck back into a station. So Dickie asked for the address calls 911 reports a fire. They're supposed to follow the fire trucks. Cut to the house. She's pissed off. She's packing up. That's the end of that. Yeah. What? Teleportation. Guess she didn't go to the interview. You think a false alarm is funny? It's kind of funny. You want to get stupid? Don't trample others to get what you want. Don't break the law. Nothing but a disruptive influence. She's packing up a suitcase. He starts fake crying. And then she says, where have I heard that before? He says officer and a gentleman. And I said reference. As they're struggling, they rip the water bed. It floods and damages the house. Mayhem ensues. Why is it going through the walls? That's how mayhem ensues. Once it starts short now outlets and everything. This is more than the 20 K he gave them. Yeah. No shit. Well, that's the new house. Dickey knows he's screwed up. Lost has no center. He's a massive failure. He's a fuck off. The gloves are because he's afraid to physically touch anything or anyone. I'm a complete and total mess. And exposition. Eden McCleurg. McCleurg tells them to take the fight inside. Blow it out your ass. It is shocked and appalled. Dickey immediately takes credit for her snapping on the neighbor. Didn't I tell you to stand up for yourself? Grace tells Dickey it's not just monkey see monkey do. This is Zach. Well, Dickey thinks if he becomes a star his mom will come back. Mommy talk. Allie and Sam tell Grace to give Dickey one last chance. Spoiler alert. His mom doesn't come back. All in a day's work for fucking Doris. All in a cigar's smoked whiskey. All right. Papa. Popeye walks over with a dead rabbit in his mouth. It's the neighbor's pet rabbit. Pop. Dickey thinks they can fix this. I wrote Papa. He does a weird German voice. Oh, puts the bunny back. Stick it down to natural causes. It's the perfect plan. Is that a reference to something? I don't know. Why are they expositing what the dog has done? How is washing it a plan? The dog snapped its neck. Just throw it away. It's a stuffed animal, guys. What? No shit. It's I'm pretty sure I have three of these in boogie's toys over here. So they give it a bath. Shampoo it. They plant the rabbit back in the backyard and hide. The Gertrude start freaking out and call it a devil rabbit. They kept this thing in like an open mailbox. I don't understand this cage at all. It's off the ground. It's small. It's a big fucking rabbit. That's why it's big. Rabbits don't need to run around. No exercise. Turns out film noir, the bunny died two days ago and they buried it. Satan taunts us. Devil rabbit. Ass off for her. My man, Mr. Dewey from Save by the Bell. Dickey calls it a sign from hell to move out. Cut to a moving truck because that's how that works. The next day. Same day. They came shirts. I was waiting for them to come out with the same shirts. Oh, I didn't check the shirts. It's been days, if not weeks, but then Dickey concludes the conversation that they were having in the last scene before the bunny showed up. Can I stay? You know I fucking hate that. Not to mention all the water damage from the water bed they ignored to do this little bunny bath time routine. They move out shortly thereafter. He has the entire lost boys in the fucking living room. Oh my God. And he's holding court. The pied piper. He's recruiting more children. A lot more children. And they all have fucked up hair. Don't know if that's part of it. I thought they had hair like him, but then he's asking them what the hair is and they call the hair the tiger do. I don't know what's going on. I didn't get it. This is like Rocky Jr. with the dangly earrings where he knocks out E from Montorosh that all of a sudden everybody just has for Rantlers. Oh, Paulie drunk Santa. You mentioned Rantlers. You got to clip it. Rantlers. You know, Rantlers and I'm believe was like a billion. Whoa. Dickey's going to learn how to ride a bike. He crashes into a moving truck next door. A teenage girl comes over. Dickey hits on her and then tries to pimp out Sam. Oh, put it in the chat right here. Literally. My note. Read it. You read it. Oh, Epstein. Why are you hitting on this girl? She's what 12 and then he stands up and I'm like, and she's your height. Wow. That didn't shock me. Now it's a montage of bike crashes. Each one funny than the last. Were they? Can you be a physical comedy person if you're not the one doing the physical comedy? Well, he then passes out at the end. So we don't even get the payoff of him passing out. It's him going out of frame and then someone else's body hitting the ground. I think I heard him hit the mattress. Grace is going to help him, but says he has no plan. There's no rhyme or reason to run around like a chicken with your head cut off. 20 CB. Old cliches. Her help comes by her rules and her rules only first. The gloves off they go. He says it's like me asking you to take your top off. And I'm like, which is crazy. Right. Did they want it to be a family movie or no? PG 13. Happy Madison. He takes the gloves off. George walks in wanting to know why there are men on stilts plastering in the living room. Ask if it's interior design. Nope. It's from the water damage weeks ago yesterday. Oh, this guy stressed about paying bills and shit. Now we got water damage. What the fuck is going on? I feel for you, dad. What? There it is. You can't even say it with a straight face. I'm smiling at something else. Sorry. Okay. George is distracted by the hair dye. He's bad because Dickie was going to do a commercial. He had plans. He feels completely undermined. So he leaves any excuse to get the fuck out of his home. He's holding the keys up. Yeah. I'm out of here. I don't blame him. What? I don't blame him. He's got a hot wife. What are you talking about? He came home for five seconds the first time in like a week. I like how he was mad that Dickie died his hair. He wasn't mad. He was looking for literally anything. And the opening. It could have been the lights not on in the kitchen. I can't live like this. I got to go. You drive me to drink. Because my sales team likes to drink. Dickie's smiling because Grace said he wasn't some product. It's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to him. As Hallmark cards go, you'd be easy to please. Nice to meet you, Danny. Hi, sweet Dickie. He's, oh, intro. He's sorry George had mattered. Because of him, she says that he's finally starting to think like a kid. Kids always think it's their fault when parents split up. What the fuck? Is that what's going to happen to you and George? I don't know. George makes her feel guilty for wanting a career. What? Dickie says they don't even write TV moms as good as you. They definitely write TV moms better than her because they would have scenes to indicate he has a problem with her working. Doesn't feel like that. It feels like he just has a problem being around. He just has a problem that he has a family. Yeah. He's a problem with pussy. He's not getting it. Yeah, that's true. Now they're even she calls it the nicest compliment she's ever heard. Nice for you, Danny. She says to dye his hair back since he'll be here a while. She's going to read the script. He wants so badly. He says maybe you can make sense of it. She stops him from putting the gloves back on. Don't need him. Dickie's wearing overalls going to help Sally with pep squad tryouts. He was a backup dancer for vanilla ice. Dickie's dressed like Dennis the fucking menace. Yes. Dance practice montage slash time lapse. Skip it. Cut to the pep squad tryouts. This is getting weird. Here comes Heather Bowland. She's dancing to Willa Fords. I want to be bad. This is just a Britney Spears thing, right? That's all they're trying to make her seem like. No, they're going above and beyond. Now I know why people think Hollywood is full of pedophiles. This is the reason I'm not talking about the story. I'm talking about the people who made Dickie Roberts this movie. You're a fucking pedophile. If you think it's a funny joke. Adam Sandler. Yes. You have a clearly prepubescent child. Well, now we're not going to get him on the pod. Well, and we're not going to be in a heavy medicine movie anymore. You know what? Super Judge Amaze. We can't jeopardize that. Yeah. This is an incredibly long extended. This movie is getting so weird and uncomfortable. Yep. That I thought, thank God the judges hated this. The judges hated it. But Dickie, Dickie Epstein coughs and says, it's not crazy. He's 11. Yeah. Sally's up next. Grace says to have fun. Guess what she's dancing to? It's Ride Like the Wind by Christopher Cross. Oh, who would have thought? Dickie's dancing along on the side like a stage mom. And Grace likes it. Bingo Child auditions and kills it. Dating ovation, triumphant music. What the fuck is this movie, man? What the fuck is this movie? Cut to the next morning, Rough Night, because it's the first time he's tried sleeping without his gloves in a long time. Even though it's been like three days since he took the gloves off. Has it? Or some shit I don't know. Sally repeats insane in the membrane. You're doing the dyes thing too much. Sam saw Barbie. He got tongue tied. Sally was there. The girl next door, is they Barbie? It can't be her name. He said, I love meatloaf. Oh, so you could understand that part because he wanted to say that he loved meatloaf. That's actually funny. Yeah. I thought it was funny. CT5 laziest naming protocols for a movie. I thought Cindy and Sydney were close because at some point we're going to get some joke. Nope. Nope. Also, I mean, how do you spell Cindy? I spell it C-I-N-D-Y. No. Yeah. This movie said C-Y-N-D-I. Yeah. You know why she spelled the hot way. I agree. I concur. Yes. Oh my God. Look at she is gorgeous. It's a little Milano. Tells the tots to run off to school. So he can grab a cup of Java. Java, TLTV. Yes. It's coffee time. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee. Cappuccino. Don Cacino. Yes. I hate that you memorized that. She'll give him juice. Juice. She read the script and it's wonderful. Let's exposition it. Really? Please. Can you explain it to me? Okay. Mr. Blake discovers that heaven is in his own backyard. Oh, wait. That's, I didn't get that part. Like heaven, like the real world? Yes. He's this billionaire and he buys this mysterious plot of land and he wants to build the biggest house of all time on it to be admired by the whole world. Right on. Well, that sounds like me. They should just give me that part. Here's the problem. The bigger he builds this giant house, the smaller heaven becomes in his backyard. Hmm. But he still has a big house, right? Have you ever seen MTV Cribs? Tommy Lee has a sex room. And how come all the rappers have a video of Scarface going all the time? What's- Yeah. Okay. Meanwhile, there's this woman, Esmeralda. She's Mr. Blake's housekeeper and he falls madly in love with her, right? And then she dies. Wait. She die-dies? Well, I thought this was a happy movie. Oh, it is. Esmeralda goes to heaven. You see, so by discovering true love, Mr. Blake's able to see the heaven in his own backyard. The heaven that was always there, only he couldn't see it. So he tears down this enormous house and he lives in his own backyard in a little shack. And it's all to be near Esmeralda. Do you see, Dickie? Do you see what that story means? I don't know. I don't understand any of it. Oh my god, it's like Field of Dreams meets Brewster's Millions or some shit. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Exactly. Nice plot summary, Grace. She offers him cereal, Captain Crunch. Oh my gosh, there's a prize inside. And he flips her off. I like that. Yeah. That was funny. Cut to the kids getting home, he gets in the house, and Alyssa Milano in the living room. He's dressed even more like Dennis Domenis in this scene. Mm-hmm. He's got the hat now. Didn't notice him at all once I saw her. Alyssa Milano's back. I said, thank god. Said, holy fucking shit. He's expositioning. What happened to her? This guy kidnapped her while hitchhiking. Hello, exposition. Pete Kenmarino. Ass off. Ass off. Thank you. Thank you. Hegging on every word and motion that she does and has. Pete fucking take his eyes off her. I was crying. Well, I went back to Dickie's apartment and Dickie was gone. And I was like, I've got to see my Dickie. Oh, that's the end of the story. Dickie says that he's trying to do his thing. Doesn't know if it's a great idea for her to be around. George says she can stay in the den. As long as he ups Dickie's rent. Up the rent. Cindy gets up and hugs. Dickie presses his head into her chest while George stares at her zero cheeks. Literally his face is damn near inserted. And the bitch wife is upset. Really? Hmm. Really? Yeah. Of course she is. What are you doing? Really, I mean? Maybe she gave it up a little bit. He wouldn't be whoring around all night. He's never home. In front of his children? At this point, they've seen a lot worse. I don't. Well, before Dickie. Free house. Free house. Yeah, you're right. We're in the den and Alyssa Milano is in her in her bedroom attire. And I said, I'm not proud of myself. It's going to be tough to fold at this point. She's going to look like this. Cindy has saved up the sexual experience of a lifetime for Dickie. He wants to loosen things up a bit like candles drink champagne. And she has to remind him. Do it. Oh, me. Right. They're going to bang in the den. She calls pop by a gross dog. And I'm sure I mean, love that. It's just you already got me, baby. You ain't got to sell anymore. There's a thing about the champagne being flat and and sewage is the family not home. Yeah, they're home upstairs. Well, the dad's not home. I kept waiting for him to be peering around the corner. That's moves or like George the goss wife or no, he'll look in the mirror on the staircase when he's going up the stairs. Oh, shit, man. He's explaining the family as he massages her. He says, you probably don't want to hear all this. She says, yeah, maybe you're right. He's trying to throw him the pussy in this movie talking about the bingo children. Sam's a great kid. He doesn't know how great he is. I said, what? Sally is cute and smart and funny. I said, what? She calls grace a real looker in her own way. Dickie pretends not to have noticed. He finally cuts to the chase. Since this. So are we going to do this sex or not? Because I kind of want to get it over with golden dumpster. Whatever you want. Dickie says, maybe it's not a good idea tonight. Cindy can't believe he's turning her down and he pours candle wax on her. End of scene. I didn't totally get that. But yeah, cut to love. It's walking into a restaurant. Oh, it's Morton's. Oh, the restaurant amount. Oh, they don't want him talking to the customers. He's intercepted by Michael McDonald from mad TV and Austin Powers. Oh, love him. No. It's Morton's where Dickie used to work and Rob Reiner is driving the hybrid. From the beginning of the movie. Ungas burnable. Now Dickie and Sam are spying on Barbie in the backyard next door. They're stalking. Leering. A child. It's fine for Sam to look. Why is the 30 year old. If Dickie walks by says, what are you looking at? Yeah. Then he grabs him and walks him over and gives him advice. No, they're both there. Clocking her. It's like, yo, Sam, come check this shit out. Oh. She out here in the sun. Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing? Whoa. That's what he's doing. No, you've got to calm down. That's what he's doing. My note. Why did they do this? Why? Why? Why? Three times I wrote why. Why did you tell? Why? Not my dad. Dickie makes a cutting edge super relevant Rick Okeisic from the cars reference. Yeah. Everybody knows what Rick Okeisic looks like. Sure. What a cool funny dude you are. Sam's not good at talking like Dickie. He doesn't know all the good things. Sam thinks his dad is supposed to help him with this. Man to man. Dickie's got an idea. Madeiro fuck caught in the door. I said. All right. They're on stills by the fence. Dancing to just my imagination. Is this a super duper Daisy chain? The quest to Dickie Roberts? Stills. Grifters on stills. I was thinking about the temptations. I was like, where did the temptations come in? Just my imagination and Barbie's lips sinking along with the chorus because of course she is. Because she knows it too. How do these children know? How do you wrap it up? I don't know. Let's have Dickie stumble off camera and have a bunch of sound effects. And then a minute and a half of crash sound effects. Cats and broken glass. A dog barking and maybe a car screeching or something. I got a better idea. How about we have Dickie almost fall, cut, and then have a stuntman fall down and then do all those side effects. Sam asks Barbie to a movie. She agrees. Love it's calls Dickie. Turn on the news. Hello exposition. This is OP. Rob Reiner was a victim of road rage. And I'm wondering, did a mean pick a movie where they're going to kill Rob Reiner? My note too soon a mean. Newcast position about Reiner being violently attacked. Ope is foreshadowing a horseman. It's the meathead from the beginning of the movie. Beat him for over a minute. Sasha Mitchell only words are I have no idea what I did to deserve it. Love it's is crying. You got him an audition tomorrow at three in the hospital before he goes under for an operation because he's giving him a kidney. You're swapping. What better get that job. Grace has an idea. Now they'll role play with him doing the Christmas morning thing. They've got everything set up. He seems confused. Oh, they mean the thing from the beginning of the movie. That's right. Yeah. They got a tree and decorations and a big red bicycle. Mom says, Dickie really is special. Kids agree. Who would have thought they wonder where Cindy is? Sally does the cough. Thing. Dickie says, wow, a bicycle. Thanks them for doing this. But what I guess it's true. You can never go home again. Cobra formula. Maze hit that button. Message. He missed on the real thing. Won't get it back. He says, you've changed since when you first got here. And I said, has he? He's the same exact mother fucker the whole time. For the Lister at home. Yeah. I mean, just push back from his desk. Push back his chair. That was that weird noise you heard. That just sounded like a fart. It did. They got a candy land and this is what works. You remembered. It's what moms do. She tells him, you grew up, Dickie Roberts. And I wrote, shoot me in the fucking face. Cut to them playing it. Cut to Dickie at the hospital for the audition. Sorry. Just shoot me in the fucking face. Reference. He's sorry. Rob is there. Not like you had anything to do with it. He's ready to audition. We teleport. He's leaving the hospital. He got the part. I got the part. Jesus Christ. I left it. The Twinkie guys show it up and saying, is it hot here? Ah, homophobia. They don't show us him auditioning for the part. You can't act. You can't act like it's real. He does not possess the ability to deliver the performance to get the role. So they teleport and then we get a gay joke so we can laugh and forget about this shit. Home folks. I hate them. Do you? Dickie rushes back to the family house looking for everyone. They're sad. Turns out that George and Cindy ran off together because we skipped to him saying, Oh, I guess they ran off together. Teleport. At a boy George. What? Boy George. Now Dickie's packing up. He has to go to Hawaii for the movie. Hello exposition. He'll send the money. She declined. He was responsible for them. Grace is pretty chill about this. Thought it would happen sooner or later. Tells Dickie it's not his fault. It's George's fault. Cindy stole his money somehow. I don't understand. Dickie has everything he's always wanted. Has grace to thank. Tells him to go find his happiness and kisses him on the cheek. What money did Cindy steal? The rest of that money from the 30 K. He blew it on the family. The paper. Water damage. The rent. He didn't pay for the water damage. What the fuck are you talking about? George did. That's why you need to go fuck Cindy to get him back. Oh, there is an army of paparazzi on the front lawn. What paparazzi talk, including Hollywood scene entertainment tonight. They want to interview the comeback kid. What comeback? You got the movie part. They haven't made the movie. This is the talk of the town. He does a whole junket tour. Everyone loves a comeback tour. All the jimmies and Jay Leno and all these motherfuckers. He hasn't made the movie. Triumphant montage to Harvey Danger flag pole. Do these count as cameos by the way by Jay Leno and nope. Cause it's not new footage trivia. He's on the plane to fly to Hawaii. It's Christmas and these two whole stewardesses are thought of pussy. Do you want coffee tea or me again? He hasn't been in anything. Why would they know who he is? Can't join the mile high club because you're still on the ground. I'd like this scene because it reminded me of the girl in red from Fantastic Four rise of the silver server. It's different. Those fuckers were famous at that point. I've seen some real washed out pieces of shit here with hot women. If they recognize him, this is something that would happen. Why would they recognize him? That's my point. Why would your dad? They wanted to explain the movie. Big houses make me horny. Me too. But I hold on. No. Hold on. He's trying to explain that love is everything. And as he explains what he needed was in his own backyard. He realizes. Cut back to the family house for Christmas. They don't have any money for Christmas presents. They left the decorations up from the role playing with Dickie. But they got a nice ass house that they could have sold and moved out to a small apartment. Something more manageable, especially considering these children share a bedroom. Sam walks down, ass on says, whoa, look at all the stuff. Living room is full of gifts. Dickie broke their house and is hiding behind the furniture. How long has he been hiding? He's hiding behind the cook chair. I channeled Zach Harper on that one. How long has he been hiding? Yeah. What about the movie? Sometimes in Hollywood, if you say no, they only want you more. Are you kidding me with that line? Again, this is a very, very thinly veiled Diddling movie. He's staying. If mom's okay with it, I'd like room and board for quite a while. Hi, sweet Annie. Back to each true Hollywood story voiceover. And so Dickie Roberts's dreams did come true, but in a way he never could have imagined. He created a sitcom based on his exploits starring leaf Garrett as the Dickie character. The show quickly climbed into the top 10, winning four Emmys. Not with that bingo. He didn't forget his friends, a poker game. They enjoy a weekly spot on the sitcom. Grace is in charge of set design. Sam's writing jokes and Sally's the youngest choreographer in TV. Dickie keeps the show a real family affair. There is nothing that angered me more than Sam is writing jokes. It's the Sandler model. What do you mean? What model? Have you seen Happy Gilmore 2? He got his whole fucking family involved. Both daughters, his wife. He didn't have a single moment in the movie where the motherfucker says something funny to let me know that okay, he could be pretty good at writing some jokes. We call him Stranger Danger. Rick Wall waterfall, Danny thinks he's got it all, but he don't. And we do so boom with that attitude. A Reese's piece of seven up mess with us. We mess you up and cut so good. That was good. You liked it. It wasn't true. I didn't know you were different. I'm not a wet. Crazy. No, please don't. George and Cindy's elf fated romance in a motel room somewhere. Cindy pegs him with a champagne bottle causes walking amnesia. Hold on. Last scene. Hit like. Don't say pegs him with a champagne bottle. No, that's what happened. You remember that show dirt with Courtney Cox? Joe dirt? Not Joe dirt. I'm pretty sure Rick Fox takes a champagne bottle up the ass. No, he doesn't. Jacuzzi, maybe something like that. Yeah. Have you guys seen one battle after another? Of course. In the beginning when Tiana Taylor and Sean Penner in the motel room. Yes. And she throws them up against the wall. I guess the wall. And then she goes down. I thought she fucked up in the ass with the guy. I did too. Which confused the shit out of me. Same with you, bro. Later in the movie. You got to put the safety on. No, not Sean Penn's character. Come on, man. The fun is in the danger like Russian roulette up my taint. Yeah. Intro last scene hitchhiking into the desert cut to super eight Hari Krishna bus footage with an arrow that says George Cindy Beggs Dickey for a job. He gives her a guest part. She gets poison oak. We get a random makeup shot of her with her eye closed. It leads to a spin off golden dumpster. Yes. The bitch who didn't know she was a bitch. What's the name of the movie that mays always quotes? Boy, you cried bitch. I popped when I saw the bitch who didn't know she was a bitch. I said I will watch the fuck out of that show. Daisy chain. Yes. As for Dickey Roberts, millions of Americans tuned into the sitcom's wedding show, which reflected Dickey's real life marriage to the love of his life. Grace, the old saying goes, there's no business like show business. Thank you. But as the incredible saga of Dickey Roberts, former child star. He said it. He said it. Shows us the more app saying is there's no love like real love message. Real love. This has been the story of Dickey Roberts, the true Hollywood story. Roll credits. We're safe, right? No. No. No. No. No. Against my better judgment. I watched this. It's a we are the world type song with that entire brick of people from the cast. Love me on your television. But please stop giving us crap or have a head on collision. The big takeaway here is that Marsha Brady says I'll bust your fucking head. And that's where they use the one F bomb in the PG 30 movie. And when the rest of them and the choir version echo her, they say freaking head. Yep. And then I felt so bad because I know this must be the first time he got that call in a long time, but rerun for what's happening. We're in the beret and doing the rerun dance. Part of me felt bad and part of me was like, you got to check, man. I'm happy for rerun. You got to check. I feel sad because he had to do that to get a check. Of course. Everyone else got to just be there. Luckily they do switch the beat up like Kanye's verse and Mercy so we can get a hip hop section for the black guys to rap about it. You want to autograph but I'ma take your fish. Don't ask a brother when he's taking a piss. On the television. And at the very end of the credits, there's more. There's Dickie voiceover telling you guys, it's the end. Beat it. Rip it off Ferris Bueller and then he does a mouth fart. Was that you? No, that was me. Just kidding. Because at least Ferris Bueller comes on the screen is like, what are you doing? Go home. Zach, it's not a rip off. He took it and made it his own by adding the fart sound and asking is that you? It's totally different thing. You know what? Let's go, Mady. Seat belts fastened. Trace hails in an upright position. Here we go. Pot lift off. It's so bad that we can even hold it from the episode. I know. Carl Reiner. You'd have to have like a completely second childhood and the light bulb appearing on fucking Dickie's head. Instead of out of his ass. I think it was when the light bulb came out of his ass. Why don't you try telling us what the fuck happened? Plot summary 98 seconds for you, I mean, because this is your movie. Not my movie. I will go first because I'm a good team player, but it is not my movie. You picked it, motherfucker. I didn't pick it. We needed to be mixed up a little bit. So I'm going to say Dickie Roberts. I did not pick it. That's not going to be my. Unfortunately, I picked senseless. Yeah, this is how it's going to go for Pluto TV here, man. Yeah, this is how it goes. So we just put names on people. That's what we're doing. It's your turn. You picked it. I didn't pick it. Zach would have picked the honeymooners. I 100% want to pick the honeymooners coming his pants, trying to tell you that he was going to pick it earlier. Oh, three baby one, two, do me a favor. I don't want to do a countdown for a dude. No countdown. No countdown. We'll just do it off of action. It's just in your own time. Good. I'm not a rocket ship. Okay. All right. David Spade is Dickie Roberts, a former child star who may have exchanged emails with Jeffrey Epstein, the financier. His mom abandoned him when his sitcom got canceled and now he's broke in a valet and doing celebrity boxing to pay the bills. You hear some other failed child actor, Lee Garrett, that Rob Reiner. Yes, that Rob Reiner is casting for his new movie. So Dickie steals a car from his valet job to go to AA meetings around LA to run into a celeb who can link him with Reiner. Brendan Fraser looks out for him despite the fact that Dickie tried to bang his wife recently. Reiner tells him that he's too ass on for the role because he never had a childhood. So Dickie sells the rights to his autobiography. That was easy. And pays for a family to allow him to have his second childhood. The mom is hot and annoying. The kids are annoying, annoying. And I'm pretty sure the dad is fucking everything that walks. That's not his wife. He's also annoying. And this is where it gets weird. The family lets Dickie share a room with the children, even though they already share a room. How small is that house? Then he lures them into the treehouse by putting up a disco ball and playing music. Then he talks to them about how their mom is hot and does she wear a G string? Then he tries to get them to drink beer and belt us out. I want to bang your mom. 30. Meanwhile, the dad tells Dickie, get what you want out my family. This shit is Epstein Island to the core. He goes to school, a cost children like the Magadude who got his ass whipped in Texas. He all goes a little girl who just moved next door, then puts his bingo boy onto her so he can cock them. Next thing you know, he's got a whole harem of children at the house. What the fuck is this movie about? Oh yeah, fine ass Alyssa Milano shows up poking her non-existent zero cheek ass. But somehow, see, see, I am intrigued. Where's the ducks? Jesus Christ, these fucking ducks! They're a little late. Just have to start doing that instead so it'll be on time. Yeah. 3, 2, 1. Tired of his life of reality TV shows and hanging out with other failures, Dickie Roberts seeks to recapture the fame he had as a child actor in the 70s. And the best way to do this is get cast in a Rob Reiner field of dreams rip off. But Rob Reiner is so worried that Dickie didn't have enough of a childhood that he makes him get a brilliant idea to sell his autobiography, turn around and spend all that money to pay a family to let him move into their children's bedroom for 20 grand. He spends the rest of the movie hanging out with children, playing games and lustfully thirsting after the mom while doing physical comedy. He gets the part. He becomes famous again. Then he realizes he doesn't want that shit anyways. And so he goes back to the family. 45 seconds left. Creates a TV show based on his life. And now we've got all of the former child stars that have ever existed in a room, singing a song 30. Eat true Hollywood story guy gets a cut. He's voice over ring. This movie was god awful, man. Don't watch it. 20. Zach, keep that 20 for your freestyle. All right, Zach. Three, two, one. Dickie Roberts is a child star whose mom hates him and didn't want to be a mom. And she'd smoke and cigars and drink and alcohol. She wanted to be in show business and maybe she was banging Starsky and Hutch or maybe it was just Hutch, but we don't know. All we know is Dickie Roberts, his show got canceled when he was a child and he's been on his own ever since. And he's a valet and he was in a celebrity boxing match and it didn't go well. Manuel Lewis beat his ass and really cheated at the whole thing. But at least Michael Buffer got a check. So that's good. And so he's trying to figure out how to get his life in order. And he finds out about this Rob Reiner movie field of what dreams may come or whatever the fuck it is. Come up and he's going to figure out how to get the part. And Rob Reiner says, you can't have the part. You're not a very good actor because you can't tap into a childhood. If only you could recreate the childhood and we get the plot fucking lifting off. And here we go. And so he finds a family after some montage and thinks the mom is hot. I'm pretty sure this is Maria bellow, but doesn't say Maria bellow in the cast, but it looks like Maria bellow 30. The dad George is really not a dad, not a husband. He's just trying to bang women and sell cars. That's all he cares about. He's a little bit of a pivot type or maybe a Catherine Hawn type. And so I don't know. He's learning how to be a kid and he's learning how to be a child. And he's being very inappropriate with the family and he's being, I don't know. And at a certain point, look, Alyssa Milano looks incredible. I would watch the bitch who didn't know she was a bitch or who found out she was a bitch or called the boy bitch or whatever the fuck it's called. Oh, I like that better. As a yeah, I do like that better. Zach, he doesn't learn how to be a kid. He teaches the kids how to be adults. No, because he does have to tap into the thing on Christmas morning. So that and learning how to ride a bike. That's it. That's all the kids that he did. Everything else is teaching them three house. That's kids shit. There ain't no kids shit that was happening up there, brother. Drink soda and burped and yeah, played Candyland and tried to drink beer. Got pushed into stroller and yeah. By a grown ass woman. Yeah, that's being a kid. Yeah, by maybe Maria bellow. Are your ad campaigns lighting up the dashboard? But not the pipeline. That's bull spend. And marketers are calling it out in dashboard confessions. My boss asked for results. So we opened my dashboard for the only positive sounding metric I had. Impressions. Cut the bull spend. See revenue, not just reach. LinkedIn delivers the highest return on ad spend of major ad networks. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend 200 pounds on your first campaign and get a 200 pound credit. Go to LinkedIn.com slash lead terms and conditions apply. Isn't life grande and making it better just got easier with Starbucks new protein gold foam. A little something something to take your favorite drinks up a notch with 15 grams of extra protein. Turn your usual iced caramel latte into a smooth iced caramel protein latte. Add a delicious swale on top of your drink just like that. Protein never tasted so good with Starbucks new protein cold foam. Subject to availability while stocks last. Who cares if you lose the game you got this off your chest. I mean it's just one night of bar trivia. Ooh, one night of bar trivia is Sankrasank test. Trivia is Sankrasank. Red Wolf and David Spade originally wrote a skit in the 1990s for SNL about a child star rampage spoofing the silence of the lambs for when Macaulay Culkin hosted. But it was cut. The idea was later pitched for the WB but they turned it down. It was eventually rewritten and turned into this movie originally written as a dark comedy with more references to drug use by child stars. It's mentioned on the DVD that they wanted to feature more contemporary former child stars alongside those from the 90s and earlier but the unnamed actors the production reached out to turned them down. Sally's brick wall waterfall routine was something Jenna Boyd was doing on the set between takes. The filmmakers liked it and worked it into the script twice. I take it back Zach. Lazy writing is absolutely a horseman. You took some shit a child was doing. It's oh that'll be good. The crew built an actual treehouse in the backyard of the house used for the exterior scenes of the Finney's home. The real homeowners liked it so much. Careful. They requested that the producers leave it up after filming. What the rabbit incident is based on an often repeated 20th century urban legend. The neighbors who owned the rabbit were actually husband and wife in the movie airborne. Oh future xenophobic. Wamo the company that created the slip and slide sued Paramount Pictures for featuring a slip and slide without the company's permission. The lawsuit claimed that the film which portrayed unsafe use of a slip and slide might encourage others to use it in an unsafe manner. The lawsuit was dismissed by a California court. That is so fucking infuriating that they didn't get any money or what. No that that's through. Oh you're showing an unsafe way of doing it. We better get some money from you. Fuck you. Vegetable allow. Are you trying to win or are you trying to be fucking cool Zach? Did they win? Oh no they didn't. Zach during Dickie's comeback montage the shots of him walking on stage for the Tonight Show with Jay Leno were actually David Spade going on the Tonight Show. What? And him dancing and hanging out with Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Yeah. That wasn't Dickie Roberts either. What? Who's that? That was David Spade. What the fuck? It looked identical. Identical. In a deleted scene Grace hires Peggy Roberts, Dickie's mom to come see her son. She says that she spent a lot of money to get Peggy there. After she makes a brief rant, Dickie responds by saying he'll throw up, meet her in the lobby, then give her cab money. It would have been Doors Roberts only appearance in the film aside from the E true Hollywood story opening, but she's still listed in the opening credits. Like she's in this fucking movie a lot. You got anything else? That's it. Whoa. Boys out of your fucking mind if you think Tony Medley didn't review this. Wow. Oh, from 2002 to 2033. He's got you. He's got you locked in the future. This motherfucker is not living till 2033 by the way. Shout out to Nicole Lopez. The pitch for this probably sounded good. Take a former child star from a TV sitcom, Dickie Roberts, and give him a selfish Hollywood mom, Peggy who abandoned him. When his series is canceled, he's a complete mess and can't become an adult, never having been a child. By the time we meet him at age 35, he's a loser. Then he's rejected for a role in a new Rob Reiner film on the basis that he has to have been a child to act this part. So Dickie hires a family headed by Grace Finney, Mary McCormick, the best thing in the movie to allow him to join her husband and two children so they can treat him Oh my God. She is gorgeous as their child. The idea must have been that we'll watch them affect one another. Unfortunately, what sounded good in a pitch has been translated by people who don't speak the language. Take the writers for instance, script writers Fred Wolfe and Spade don't exhibit a scintilla of understanding scintilla. Oh my bad. It was a smudge on the thing. I thought he spelled it L-I-A. It's L-L-A. I understand about how children talk and act. Nothing ever occurs that shows why Dickie should have a positive effect on the family or why the family should have a positive effect on Dickie. Just about everything Dickie suggests they do is dishonest or malevolent and it turns out okay. Not the morality I want to see in a movie. Even if it's supposed to be a comedy. One of the climatic moments in the film is when 35 year old Dickie takes on three 12 year old bullies who are tormenting Dickie's new quote unquote brother and vanquishes them. This gives you the same kind of rush you might get watching Goliath beat the stuffing out of David. The relationship between Grace and her husband is never developed other than showing him to be an insensitive Claude while Grace is perfection personified. John Lovitz plays Dickie's agent Sidney Wernick. I've never seen John Lovitz before where he wasn't funny. The wolf spade script conquered that barrier. Or take the casting the two children Sam and Sally resemble refugees from the monsters. They wouldn't be so bad if that were the concept. Hook Dickie up with children even more screwed up than he good comedic idea. But it's not what's intended. These are supposed to be normal children. Sam's hairdo looks like he must have been electrocuted before each scene. If the idea was for Dickie to become a child and try to live through a childhood by associated with children Sam and Sally aren't the ones. They're children who talk and act like 25 year olds. Even more laughable not funny laughable pathetic laughable is the casting of the bullies who torment Sam. They're fat and ugly in real life. They'd be the bully ease that the bulliers. The movie terminates with a silly Hollywood ending followed by the closing credits with legions of real former child stars singing a chorus song that I guess is meant to be funny. Instead it's just scurrilous. However this segment does seem to validate the premise of the movie to wit as a result of their lack of development in their formative years. Former child stars often grow up to be losers. Did I say same note too Tony? Tony medley really didn't like the gelled hair era. Yeah what do you think he gave it? The most aligned I've ever been with Tony medley. Ever. Well that's not true but. Put the back no this is the most. Careful. I'm gonna give it a one. He gave it a two. Wow he gave it a two? I thought one was gonna be high well. I'd like you all to do an experiment on a plant something that may benefit mankind. And if you would devise something that ground breaking I gown to you a a in this course. Well hold on man you following me? You can't you can't do that Lionel. Look man if you don't want me to have a foreman job I understand but I need my fucking job man. Lewis Pinock Axon Award. John Lovitz. Shaquiqua. Yeah. Rob Reiner. Jack Nicholson. David Spade. Sprinkler. Motorcycle. Jetski. And random German. No. No. RIP Rob Reiner. Can you give them for that? Can I show them who the horsemen are guys? Yeah we got soul. Five horsemen. Cameo. Reference. Fake magazines. Stranger danger. Odd behavior although that kind of thinned out. Physical humor done by a stunt double. Poppy talk. And my nominee Epstein. What about mommy talk? I guess mommy talk would be in there too. What the whole fucking thing is mommy talk? Sure yeah yeah. His mom left him when he was a child star. Jack I hate to know but you here but. No you don't. No the whole thing is Epstein. No not the whole thing a lot of it is. Everything that we watch after the cold middle is nothing but the most egregious. I'd be with you except the post credit song. Puts cameo over the fucking top. He like cameo had a strong start and then disappeared for the majority of the movie and then came back at the end. Hit a bunch of threes. I don't know if they close the gap. I don't know if they close the gap though. Clap bum. It is the silence. Doc he had a whole group of boys sitting in his living room. They teach him how to ride. No man it's Epstein man. Clap. Breathe. Into nose. Out the mouth. Ass on. Ass off. Teddy Rex. Moosey Teddy Rex. Teddy Rex. Moosey Teddy Rex. Ass on. Fuck it ass off. Ass on. Fuck it ass off. Michael Bean Memorial Ass on Award. I mean so many people. Dustin Diamond. The dangerous night's crew. Leaf Garrett. Zach had it. No they're ass off. They're not. Oh wait no which dangerous night's crew. The old one not the Teen Titans dangerous night's crew. So the poker game dangerous night's crew is ass on. Yeah. Who would say leaf because he gets the extra scene. It leaves Andy Childer. Andy gets cast as the lead in the Dicky Roberts sitcom. Jesus yeah it's leaf. Check this out. $1,100 is exactly what I charge for acting classes. No it isn't. Yeah. Well what are the chips? Universe. You've done it again. Carl Weathers Memorial Ass off Award. Insanely difficult. Doris Roberts. John Lovitz. Doris Roberts can't because he's all in a day's work. It's either John Lovitz or the dad. Ken Merino. I kind of like fake Ken Merino. We know you do. Now that he likes it I think we have to go the other way. Yeah we'll go Lovitz. Zach Zach Zach. Let's go Lovitz. The dinner scene as he's looking at Alyssa Milano talk. Not acting. Come on. $30,000. The way he sits up and is sleeping for. Yeah. Yeah but why is he looking at this photograph. Check it out on YouTube. The stance he's in right before is him slumped in his chair. Yeah. And then the $30,000 gets him up. He's up. Yeah. Yes Lovitz. Yeah that's John Lovitz. I fucking love John Lovitz. You're good at keeping secrets. Absolutely. Because I've got a present for you. Secret present outside by the dumpster. Is it a baseball mitt? It fits you like a baseball mitt like a glove. Yeah I hope. Golden dumpster nominees. Emmanuel Lewis aka Webster beating the shit out of Dickey in celebrity boxing. And the bitch who didn't know she was a bitch. I've got this is knocking farts. I don't know. I kind of giggled at the beginning but it weighed down. Emmanuel Lewis is quote my punk bitch wife. I think I'll keep him. John Lovitz telling spade the Rob Rider roles we had over our league. If you want to eliminate now you're talking. Oh god eliminate. Tom Arnold, Orber and Wilbur called. They want those lapels. Brendan Fraser correcting the pronunciation of his name. Acting out the bike for Christmas routine with Rob Reiner. You're six. John Lovitz. Oh kid I'm sorry. Is it Starsky? Alyssa Milano saying are we going to do this sex or not? Zach where you going with it? The guy in the car is here that picks up Alyssa Milano. Oh. Hey, I'm going to go with this air. Didn't see that coming. Okay. Maze. I guess it's Webster beating the shit out of him. He was really, really getting after it and aggressive. When he throws him into the corner and he throws him down on the ground. I was like, oh okay. I mean, you know, Lewis actually went for it. So sure. I mean. I'm going to go with John Lovitz saying Rob Reiner movie way out of our league. Now, eliminate. Well, no matter what you say, I mean you picked a motherfucker. Motherfucker. I like that. Over file. I did not pick it. I merely suggested that for the betterment of the algorithm, so as to not get stuck on a specific genre of movies, we should pick the one that is most outside of the genre to mix it up. That's bullshit. I was a swooner for honeymooners. I acknowledge in the moment that I do not want to watch this movie. May say that that swooner for honeymooners? Yeah. Swooner. The honeymooners. Definitely with fucking Cedric the Entertainer. This movie is awful. I've never wanted to watch it. I remember the trailers. I did not want to see this, but again, the things I do for this podcast, I watched the movie. I took notes. I got drunk. I did my fucking thing. In trail. And I'm probing this motherfucker with all my heart and all my soul, all my being. Wow. This is an awful movie. This is why Adam Salah needs to go to hell unless he's going to cast us in a happy Madison production, in which case supercharging. Mace, I don't know what keeps happening with these movies where it's like first act. Okay. He's a formal child star. Now he's hanging out with other child stars. It's not great, but why not? This is not a bad premise. And then the actual movie, the thing that they want to get to is, hey, David Spade, go hang out with these two kids for an hour. It's like they didn't know if it was going to be a family movie or a happy Madison spade movie. Right. They clearly wrote it as a dark comedy with drug use. Yes. And maybe they pitched it to somebody and got a note to do something else. I don't know. Whatever they ended up with was fucking horrible. This is a super foe. No snacks. Super foe. No snacks. Get the snacks the fuck out of here. Whoa. Foe, foe, foe. Thanks for picking it. I mean, it's not, I did not. Yeah, I was upset that I mean picked it. I didn't pick it. I guess what I mean. We're going to go through options in a little bit. It's my pick. It's not. I'm the one that decides the next one. It's no one's pick. We're not doing that. We've been doing it. We're committing everyone. We're not doing it. No one's pick means first pick of Pluto TV year. He's trying to abolish. It's already trying to change the constitution. This is bullshit. I didn't pick it. There are some surprisingly funny parts in this movie. There is humor in this movie. There's some funny stuff. I think there's a movie that could have been made. Yeah. That's the thing I'll agree with Tony Medley on for sure is there's a movie there. I know it came out before along Cape Holly, but if they had done this movie based off of Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in along Cape Holly and the characters based on from earlier in that character's life, I think it would have been an incredibly funny movie. Yeah. That's not what happened here. There is good stuff. George is a funny character. He's a horrible person. I don't know why it means cosign and have left and right. He's a funny. He's funny. Funny dude, even though I not Ken Marino. I wish it was Ken Marino. Man, he's got a point. I thought Grace was a good character. I thought Love It's is great. Rob Reiner is great. It's bad, but the bitch who didn't know she was a bitch. Come on. And I think because I didn't really watch the post credit song, it's a file with Alyssa Milano. You're horny and that's enough to get it across the finish line for you. She's two for two with me. This and Hall Pass. It's not a strong file. It's a weak file, but I like her. I think there's something here. It's a pedophile. That's a mean pick in this movie. Zach, you can't be serious. Dude, listen, Milano, you think I wouldn't file something with Alyssa Milano? Melissa. Melissa. Melissa Milano. I don't know. Maybe I'm fucking delirious. Dead from the fucking trade. That's my brain is much. I'm like, look, this is boasting it on everything else. I love her. I love her. Who are you talking to? I follow her on Tik Tok. I love her. I love women. Maybe if you say it louder, Pluto TV will queue up Alyssa Milano. Alyssa Milano. Pixels, pixels. That does your faux ver file, golden dubster. Ass on ass off. Five horsemen, Lewis Pinnock. Plot lift off. If you want to see the bitch who didn't know she was a bitch, add talk hoops at Dorothy Mead, add coin puzzle at Cinefaux pod, add Count the dings or drop to the discord. It might be a Patreon member. Patreon.com slash count the dings. Next time we make love. You introduced me to Jay. All three of mine qualified. I got three qualifiers as well. What do you got? Since you picked this movie, you get to go first on that. I did not pick it. Communications. I got Tommy boy, which I didn't think would qualify, but turns out it does 40% on the critic score. I got getting even with dad, which is a DQ. Oh, I didn't get that. Macaulay Culkin and Ted Danson. And because I yelled it a million times, my boss's daughter. I got my boss's daughter as well. My third one that qualifies. What's the worst that can happen? Danny DeVito, Martin Lawrence. All right. What do you want to do? Not y'all. It's Zach. It's my choice. No, it's nobody's pick guys. Stop doing this. This is a hundred percent how we've been doing this. May's pick senseless. He didn't. That was just the one that we had. Moist. This wasn't a strong experience. I'll give you that. You filed it. Well, because of this Milano, I love her. Okay. It wasn't a strong experience. So I can admit that we need a palette cleanser for everybody. Although I mean, it's going to hate this. I don't go fuck. I love this movie. We're doing Tommy boy. I can't believe it qualifies. Bye. Come on, man. Triple spade. Put me down for a file, by the way. Come on. Fucking. Hurt. Look, when it's your pick, you get to choose. Come on. Fucking. Hurt. Dog, I'm David spaded out, man. Well, you better hope he doesn't qualify next week. God damn, man. I had no idea Tommy boy qualified. I love this movie. Tom Haberstor loves this movie. Everybody loves this movie except for you. I think it's beyond Tom likes this movie. I think it's this is Tom's favorite movie. It is Tom's favorite movie. Tom also liked Kevin James stand up. Just be glad we're not back to Kevin James, okay? Because I would have picked that. I would do a hundred Kevin James movie for you, another David Spade. Pink souls, pink souls, pink souls.