EP 69: A New Season With Autumn.

Disclaimer. At two addicts in the moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. And we are all the way back to another episode of two addicts in the moron. How you doing buddy? Great, how about you? Good man, you're my son's set, my son rise buddy. Yeah, you're my son's set. You're my son rise. Maybe we can greet each other that way. Cool. Yeah. I'm excited. Nipples are hard. Well, I'm glad you're wearing a shirt. I had that today normally you're wearing your little sports bra on here with two addicts in the moron on the front of it. But got a special guest in here today. Miss Autumn everybody. Hello. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you for coming on. Thanks for having me. Yeah. Are you nervous? A little bit. Why? I'm just though I'm I pretty much live in a state of nervousness all the time. I'm going to be honest. Well, that that's okay. These little chihuahua's you have running around. Am I supposed to join the pet? Yeah. Yeah, we we we saw really quick that you are a pet lover that you are. Yeah. Yeah. We'll get into that. We will. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to talk about it. I'll talk. I bring every conversation back to the pets. Sweet. Well, I'm going to talk about it. So thanks for coming in. Appreciate it. Yeah. Thanks for having me, man. Yeah. I don't really know how how I'm supposed to start. Well, I'm going to ask you some questions. Okay. And that'll kind of lead you in. Okay. Yeah. I don't know what to do with my hands. Like, yeah. It's okay. We got you. So basically I found myself in the middle of the desert. So how long have you been sober? I guess it's been about five years and four months now. Nice. Congratulations. That's huge. It's a big deal. And what was the DOC? Cocaine. Cocaine. Columbian marching powder. Yeah. Driving powder. I heard it referred to little force bump. Yeah. Yeah. And actually it really was. Coke, ethylene. I was I was I was drinking and powdering my nose. And it was that combination that really got me. So is that what that is? Coke, ethylene? Coke, ethylene. Yeah. So it's drinking. So when you when you, it's cocaine is actually the only substance that when you put it in your body with alcohol, it becomes an entirely new and nebriating substance in the liver. It's coke ethylene. Okay. And that is what got me. I thought it what for the longest time I thought it was just the cocaine, but I realized this the cycle of it was that I was drinking during the day. And then I was like, Oh, well, I'm too drunk to drive now. So let me just, you know, got it, got it, got it. And make sure I say yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's and then it's just kind of. It kind of spiraled. But yeah. Okay. And how long were you in the fight for? Like, oh, geez. So basically what happened was when I was 17 years old, I was actually kidnapped. We're just going to get like right into it. Yeah. So oh, yeah. Man, it was bad. So I got, yeah. So unfortunately, I was abducted by somebody I thought was a friend. And together, we became homeless. So around I started basically, it's like it's long, you know, there's so many avenues to this. But basically from the time that I was 18 to 21, I would say we're really 22. I was really in the shit. Yeah. Yeah. Right right up and right up until I turned 22. I was really in the shit. Yeah. And it was, it was a wild ride. No kidding. Yeah. So kidnapped by a friend. Yeah. Man. So okay. So I grew up. Let's just start from the beginning. Right. So my parents had me really, really late in life according to everyone's timeline. Right. So my mom was 45 when she had me. And my dad was like, I think like 47. Yeah. I qualify. So it's pretty late. Yeah. So I grew up always with older parents, both mentally ill. I love my parents. They, I do think that they did their best, but both strongly with mental illness. Unfortunately, and I had an older sister. And I think that when I during my childhood, I mean, it was such a violent home. My both my parents are educated. They're very smart people. We weren't. You know, they always had us fed and everything. We didn't have a lot of money. But I grew up out on belt and lake out in the sticks. And, you know, I just kind of thought it was pretty normal, I guess. Like all the dysfunction that was going on. But because my parents were older for some reason, I felt like, I don't know, I guess, I guess I just felt like they knew what they were doing. Right. Because everybody else's parents were way younger than mine. So I felt like my parents have already lived and they have really good music taste. And they don't, you know, like, I just thought, my, you know, my dad was an art. I felt like they knew what they were doing. So this must be normal. And then I think as I started growing up, I realized like, man, I don't fit in anywhere. Like I don't, I don't belong with any of my peers anywhere. And I started, you know, I realized like, man, I have really significant social issues. I've, I really don't have a friend in the world. And it was like that for a very long time. We moved to Austin. When I was about 12, 12 years old, we had fully, we had fully moved to Austin. And, and then it was even worse because I grew up out in the sticks. And I mean, when I moved to Austin, I was like, this is New York City. Yeah. I was like, this is amazing. I mean, I remember one time driving through downtown Austin. And I was like, this is, I was like, this is literally like, like those Wall Street movies that I've seen. Like I had never seen buildings like that. You know, and, and I just did not fit in. I mean, it was like, and I started going to school. And I was like, oh my gosh, all these kids are dressed like they have just walked out of the magazine. Like, and it's they were just getting their clothes at the mall. You know what I mean? But that's, but where I grew up, like, you wore like your dad's metallic assure and so cargo pants with holes in them. You're going to go fishing after school. Like, and it was just very different. And I, and I always love nature and animals. And I grew up in the woods. And so that's all I really talked about. I mean, when I was a kid, my special interests were like the only thing I didn't have any social. I didn't realize that these kids didn't want to talk about that. Like they don't know. So yeah, they, so I was bullied. Yeah. And so I think that kind of outcast lifestyle sort of set me up for running into the exact right slash wrong people. You know, in order to set, to kind of set me down a nefarious path. And I did have, I had a couple friends by that time. None of whom were my age. It was always the older guys. And I was like, you know, I had an older sister. And she would kind of let me hang out with her friends. Thank God, because I literally didn't have no one. And I think what happened was I was, I felt so outcast by my peers that I started living this sort of double life. My parents were very strict, very mentally ill, completely just like very strict, but very distracted by their problems. So it's like the perfect recipe for a young girl to just go down the deep end, right? So I started seeing this guy. He actually, he groomed me. I was like 13. I saw him for a number of years until I was about 17. And then long story short, he basically proposed to me. And I was like, dude, you're crazy. At this point, you're in your 20s. I'm 17. Nobody knows about this relationship. Like, no, you know, so I said, no. And he unfortunately went home and killed himself. Whoa. Yeah. So that was really the catalyst for all of this. So nobody knows about that. My family, nobody knows about this. Yeah. Like it's like, like the bomb got dropped in the story and in my life, right? So before that, they still don't know about this? No, they don't. I think my sister, I've spoken a little bit about it to my sister. If they see this, like, sorry. Yeah. Nobody's watching. Don't worry about it. Yeah. No, I kind of made it. I kind of made the decision a few years ago that like, if, I mean, if my story helps anybody, I'm going to tell it. And if my family sees it, you know, I hope they don't feel too bad because that's why I really haven't talked to my parents about these things because I know that they would just feel so terrible if they really knew everything that I went through. Right. So what happened was he killed himself. Nobody knows about this relationship, except for his, so his younger sister, who was my friend. That's how I met him in the first place when we were 13, like middle school. She texts me after the funeral. I went to the funeral. I'm holding it together. Nobody knows, right? They're like, dang, like, autumn's really like bent up about this. And I'm, and I'm sobbing. You know, I've been seeing this guy for the past four years, you know, and she, she, I thought she didn't know I thought I was going to make it out of this situation with nobody knowing and protect. I mean, because at this point, if it had come out, that would be like the existence of me would be like, hey, your son that just passed away is a pedophile. You know, and that's exactly what happened. The sister found out they went through his journals, all his stuff. And they found out. And she was like, hey, I need you to come to the house. I came to the house. Everybody's there. This is still the day of the funeral. Everybody's at their house. And she confronted me about it. And she beat me up. She, she jumped me essentially at this funeral, like at the, at the after party of the funeral. Yeah. And another friend of mine that had lived in the neighborhood, who I didn't really know, but he was always nice to me, which I appreciate. Because like I said, no, like I didn't have a lot of friends. But he basically just like, ran over and physically like got me out of there. So needless to say, mentally, I was not doing well for a long time. I was in like a, like a weird shock, a weird like fog for a long time after that. And I couldn't talk to anybody about it because nobody knew that this was going on for the past four years. Yeah. And so because he was older. And my sister was older. I would say I started drinking and smoking weed probably around 13, 14. And like I said, my parents were very strict, but my sister and I were really sneaky. And it was kind of like this cool fun game for us because I didn't have. It was like something that almost gave me like a purpose because I didn't have friends at school or anybody my age that really liked me, but it was like, that's fine because I smoke weed with older kids after school. So, you know, I'm cool. I got my sense of belonging. Exactly. Yeah. And you know, and this whole time, I just thought, and you know, I've always liked older muse. I like older things. I've always liked older people. My parents are older. I've always liked older music. You know, I've always just, I never really got along with people my old, my own age. And you know, we would like listen to classic rock and and it felt very much like a very cool kind of thing that I was getting into. And I didn't realize that the reason that these people wanted to hang out with me was not because I was a super cool 13 year old. That's not what it was. So anyway, I'm jumping around. But so he he passed away. I was in shock. I was going to work. I worked at Amy's ice cream shout out to Amy's ice cream is my favorite job ever. I worked there for four years. It was my first job. Nice. Oh my God. It's fantastic. You can eat all the ice cream you want when you work there. I was in the best shape of my life somehow, but I was eating nothing but ice cream all the time. It was great. I still go there like probably two or three times a week. Like it's it's actually that's the real addiction that I'm here to talk about actually. Yeah, okay. Sugar. No, but really it actually is. You know, when I was a kid, like I said, my parents are really strict. So we weren't we didn't have like shurri things. And I think actually the thing that got me into like the addiction mentality was when I was a kid and I was finally allowed to have like sweets and little sugary things. I was like, man, this is the best. Yeah, like and yeah, I've and you know, along this journey, I have had to reassess my relationship with food over and over again, like significantly. But anyway, okay. So I'm going to work out of randomly this guy message me on Facebook. He's really handsome and he'd message me on Facebook and he's like, hey, I don't know you, but these girls were at my house. And they were talking about the fact that they were going to jump you after work. And I just had to reach out to you and tell you. And I was like, oh my god, that's crazy. And I had gone to school with these women and apparently one of their boyfriends had a crush and I even know this guy. But apparently one of their boyfriends had a crush on me and they were like, oh, well, absolutely not. Yeah. And so he's like, I just had to reach out to you and tell you that these girls were going to jump you. And I just had to let you know, right? And here I am thinking, wow, what a stand up guy. He didn't have to do that. Nene, he was not a stand up guy. He actually ended up brewing my life for a long time. So this was the one. This is the one. This is the monster. Yeah. Ladies be careful. You still out there. No, but anyway, I really. But anyway, and I thought, man, he's so nice. Like this, like this is so cool that he's that he reached out to me didn't have to do that. And we started talking and and it turns out he happened to like everything that I liked. He liked the classic rock. He liked to go fishing. He liked, you know, all these things. And of course looking back now, I thought I was so smart. Like, I was like, man, you know, we just have so much in common. And he started picking me up and taking me home from work every day. And he was and he was really there for me after I had just gone through this horrible thing of, you know, my, if you could even call it my ex passing away. And the thing in that relationship was, here's this older guy. I am not going to fall for him because that's what always happens. I didn't realize that he was mentally ill enough that he thought we were going to get married. I was just concerned about protecting myself as the younger like woman or the like the younger girl. And I thought, you know, I'm not going to fall for this guy because that's crazy. It's just a sexual relationship, whatever. But I didn't realize. So I'm completely shocked. So here's this new guy that seems to be, um, he seems to have it together. Like he just really seemed like very kind and he was funny and he mirrored my personality exactly. And I just was like, oh my god, this is so cool. He likes all the same, all the same things I like. Okay. So we come to the fourth of July in 2017, the fourth of July rolls around. And we were going to shoot some fireworks after I got off work. And then he was going to take me home. Like my parents are still really strict. So we go to his house to shoot the, if I think I lied to them, I don't think they knew where I was. But we're doing the fireworks. He's drinking. I think I think I was drinking a little bit. And, um, and then I was like, okay, like it's like 10 p.m. You know, like my parents are asking where I am. Like I really have to go home. And he goes, oh yeah, I'm not taking you home this time. And I was like, oh, excuse me. I was like, yeah, that's not how this works. Like I was like, okay, like I have to go home though. And what my parents live is very, it's this is important to know my parents live 10 minutes down the road. Like it's not like a crazy distance. Yeah. But he's like, yeah, this time I'm not taking you home. And you're just going to have to stay the night. And I was like, oh, I don't want to do that. I was like, uh, like this is, you know, starting to turn into a situation here. And I can't tell anyone because my parents don't know where I am. Um, this is this is the danger of secrecy with your kids. And this is the danger. Whenever I tell the story to people, especially people that have young daughters, this is the danger of them not being able to tell you things. Because it can go from bad to worse. And you'll never know. And, um, and just so quickly. But basically, he was like, I'm not taking you home. And I, and I texted my mom and I said, hey, this is the situation. Like, I'm, I went to shoot some fireworks with friends after work. Um, I think he might be too drunk to drive. I don't know what to do. And my mom is freaking out. I mean, she's just calling me and texting me over and over again. She's like, you need to come home. You need to come home right now. And I was like, I don't know. I was like, I don't know what to do. And she basically texted me around 11 p.m. And she goes, if you don't come home right now, don't come home. Oh, no. Oh, no. And so he took that as, okay, she's mine now. Right. And, um, yeah. So I did it. I didn't come home. And then the next day, I woke up and my mom actually, I think I may have texted her the address. So he was staying at like, he's a bum. He was staying at like some, some friends mom's house, you know, um, quote, quote, unquote, renting a room. Which I thought in the beginning, but really he was just a bum. And I think I had eventually like a few days go by and things are still really to molchose my parents and he's still like, he's basically on the front of like, he's trying to convince me not to interact with them. And I'm, and I'm like, this guy is, is taking me like he's, he won't let me leave his site, you know, every, like there's, there's certain things that start happening like I at the time I smoked cigarettes. Um, every time I went outside, he had to come outside like it was like, he wouldn't let me in the front yard. Um, of this house by myself. He, if I was on my phone, he had to be there with me on my phone knowing what was going on. I mean, he's, he just became extremely controlling very, very quickly. And I started to really feel like if I wanted to leave, I don't think he would let me. And then my mom knocks on the door of the house and I'm thinking like, okay, she's here to get me. Um, I need to just slip away and just never talk to this guy again. And I hear what's going on. Um, and he answers the door and he's talking to my mom and he basically, I mean, he was a master manipulator and I don't, my, my mom is kind of naive. She's, she's a nice lady, but she's kind of naive. And he basically convinced her that it was best for me to just stay there with him at the house. And he convinced her to leave before I could even, um, before I could even see her. And, um, and that was it. I mean, after that, I was never allowed to interact with my family without him, basically, um, controlling the entire conversation. Um, any friends that I did have at the time, I just, he cut them off from me immediately. Um, one of my best friends that I had worked at Amy's ice creams with, he was the only like person in my life. I feel that really was sick was actually genuinely looking out for me. Um, yeah, I, I was not allowed to talk to him anymore. I mean, it was like, he was just, he just became extremely jealous, extremely controlling immediately. And I mean, to the point that, um, I was scared of him already. Um, long story short, he, we got kicked out of that house because he was, again, he was a bum. Um, he got me fired from all my jobs because any place, but he didn't want me to be out of his sight really. Um, any place that I would go, I mean, I would never tell anybody was going on out of fear. But I think he and his mind was like, this is an opportunity for her to escape. So that we can't have this. So he basically, he just started, um, just more and more just keeping me, um, confined wherever he was. And, um, we were drinking a lot, um, during that time. And I just kind of thought like, well, if I'm going through this, like, I might as well be drunk, you know, like I just, I just kind of thought like I didn't really consider myself as like getting addicted at that time or becoming an alcoholic or anything at that time. I was just like, yeah, my life sucks. So yes, I'm going to finish every day with getting buzzed, you know. And, um, and I didn't realize, of course, that people like people that are loose cannons like that, like you don't want to throw alcohol in this situation. You certainly don't want to throw cocaine on this situation. So anyway, we got kicked out of that place. Now we're homeless. And actually homeless and my, my family does not know this, but yeah, I mean, I was home. I was living in a tent that we stole from Walmart. Sorry, Walmart. And, um, and it's, and so I thought to myself, so I had purchased, I love Metallica. I had purchased Metallica tickets like months and months before I even met this guy. I had purchased with my job that I had before I met him. He ruined, he ruined my, you know, all my jobs and everything. And I was like, here, here's this Metallica show. Like, at this point, it is like pulling teeth to let him to get me to do anything. I mean, it was like any, he's just immediately sucked up anything that I enjoyed doing. He had an issue with. There was no, there was no, um, there was nothing that I was allowed to do without him. And everything that he came with me to do, he ruined. Like it was like, he was, he was a, I began to be narcissistically abused. Um, he would ruin anything that was special for me. I mean, he was, he was just the worst. He was a monster. Um, all of a sudden, I realized by the way that all the things that I thought he liked that I also liked, he was just bullshit. He was just mirroring my personality so that, you know, there was this fake connection. And anyway, he's like, okay, I will take you to the Metallica concert. Um, and on the way home from the Metallica concert, he was like, he was like, delusional. He thought that he was this master mechanic. But he was just okay at working on cars. So he always had some like beater that he was like, it's a project car. Yeah. And anyway, he had this really cool, like, dual overhead cam Honda Civic, um, with like a custom exhaust and stuff. But it was always following a part. Anyway, so on the way home from this concert, the car started to break down. And he were talking about how we don't have any money. And I was like, this is actually my idea. I was like, we need to start selling drugs. That's what we need to do because I'm tired of being homeless. I'm tired of living in this car or in this tent at the time. And we need to start selling drugs. Because that's the way out of this. And he's like, oh, I know all about that because he's older. So he's already been through all this. He's been a bum for a long time. You know, he, he already thinks that he's this businessman. Right. So he's like, oh, I already know all about that. I've got these contacts. Like, let's do this. And I was like, fuck yeah, this is my way out. What I'm going to do is I'm going to start. I'm already coming up with the plan. I was like, I'm going to start siphoning money into, I'm going to start hoarding money so that eventually I can escape. Get away. Yeah. And I was like, cool, like this is going to be what we do. So we started selling cocaine, which did not go well. He did most of it. And then he started forcing me to do it. And I mean, like, forcing. Like, I didn't need, like, I liked it when I was like the first time that I did cocaine was, you know, he was like, we had gotten like our first time. We had gotten like our first like stock, like our first like supply or whatever. And he like put out a line for me to do. I didn't realize that people did bumps by the way until after this after I escaped. Like, I thought everybody was just doing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he put out a line. He was like, okay, just like snort that. And I did. And I was like, whoa, like this is crazy. And I started to feel like really anxious and really unwell and kind of lightheaded. And I was like, oh, no, I don't feel good. And he was like, no, no, that's fine. That's part of it. And I was like, okay. And I guess at the time I was like, whatever, I'm just going to power through because this is what adults do. Like, I just, you know what I mean? I was like, whatever. It's old. At this time I was 18. So, um, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It was, and you know, like my parents, they'll have no idea what's going on. They, he's still convinced them at this time that like, he's the best thing for me. He's, he's going to keep me out of trouble. And he's going to like protect me. And I, they just think he's a saint. Um, so I want you to continue talking, but I do want to hear, how did you get away? Okay. Yeah. So, um, we unsuccessfully sold cocaine for a long time. And I was going, I was literally every night. Um, he was, so he would, he would sexually assault me every single day. And he would force me to do cocaine almost every night. And to the point that I did start becoming addicted because I was like doing it every day. Right. Um, and I was drinking every day. And that, um, Coca-ethylene was happening in my body every day. And it got to the point where at some point during the day, I was like, yeah, we need to start, you know, getting fucked up. And I'm just still in denial at this time. But by the end of every night, which is really like seven in the morning, I would always be praying to God. God, please don't let me die because I knew that I had done way more than I should, like, should have. Yeah. Um, and my heart would be racing. And I just be having a panic attack every night, just begging God to keep me alive and let me wake up the next day. Um, so that went on for a while and then COVID happened and COVID saved my life. Um, at one point, I had opened up to my sister about how abusive he was. Um, in the middle of the night on a phone call that I wasn't supposed to be having. Um, he was physically abusive sexually, I mean, every way that you could be. Um, I kind of opened up to my sister not about everything. I didn't tell her that we were homeless and all this. Um, I lived in my, I had finally, um, at that time, gotten a Honda pilot for us to live in. So it was like an SUV, which is like, it was better, you know. Anyway, and we were renting this lot, um, for like $200 a month. Um, and I had set up shop. Like I had, I had put a chicken coop on it. Um, I got three, three dog, three dogs that I had rescued, which by the way, he was totally abusive to our animals. Um, he broke one of my dog's legs. He, the only time that I ever fought back, um, was he was, he was, he was trying to kill one of my dogs. He was, he was, he had beaten my dog bloody and he was trying to choke her out. And I'm desperately trying to get him off of her. And so I just, I just, I just walked up and I just, I just decked him square in the job. And he actually shoved me on this property. There was a 12 foot deep concrete pool was empty. And he shoved me into it. I broke two of my ribs and he left me there for six hours. But my dog was alive. He made it. Um, he didn't kill my dog. But that's the only time that I ever actually like really with all my might like fought back. Um, because he was a beauty. I mean, and still to this day, I have nightmares about that about him being abusive to my animals, because animals are my whole life. Right. Um, anyway, so I say that to say this. I'm answering your question. But fourth of July rolls around again. At this point, this is fourth of July 2020. So it's COVID. And during COVID, I had applied for the unemployment benefits of COVID. Um, but he didn't know that. And so I was collecting my, my money. Um, and putting it into a secret bank account. I mean, I was literally like sneaking away from him. Like he would go to have some job that he had for five minutes or hang out with his friends or whatever. And I was literally sneaking off, walking to the bank, you know, if I had gas in the car or if he didn't take my car, I'd be walking wherever I could. Like running and then trying to make it back to this property in time. So he didn't know that I left. But I funneled away several weeks worth of these unemployment checks. And then a friend of ours who supplied him with weed. Um, she was a woman. And she came by. Um, and we had like five minutes alone together. And I was like, Hey, you're my only hope. I was like, Obi-Wan, like, I was like, you are my only hope. I have all this money in a secret bank account. And he is abusing me and he is raping me every day. And he's forcing me to do all this cocaine. And at this point, I'm addicted to the cocaine. And I need help. Like I need to get out of this. Like I'm going to die here. And he had put a gun in my face multiple times at this point. I mean, he almost killed me at any time I tried to leave to go spend time with my family or whatever. He would barricade the door and, um, yeah, I mean, he almost killed me multiple times. And I fully thought that he was going to do it. And I had always, I mean, I could have run away on foot many times. Um, but he would always say, I'm going to kill your family. I know where your family lives. I'm going to kill your family. Um, I'm going to have your mom raped. I'm going to kill all of your animals. And there's going to be brutal. You know, I'm going to like all these things. And I believed him because he was nuts. Um, after four years of, you know, going through the motions with this guy and seeing how sick and twisted he was and how I mean, he didn't have a friend in the world. Like there was all these people that thought that he was their friend, but he was just fucking them over anyway that he could. Um, anyway, I was like, I believe him. Um, and basically what happened was I put the money in a secret bank account. I told this lady, like, you are my only hope. Um, and there can be no messages about this. Like there can be no, um, I one point I tried to move out with my with, um, with a girlfriend that I had known in school. Um, and he basically found out he was like, I'm going to burn this house down. I'm going to set your friends car on fire and have her killed. Like, so I didn't want there to be any messaging about it. So I wrote her a handwritten note. And I literally left it in her car. And I was like, this is the information that I have. Like, if there's any way that you can find somebody with a room to rent. Um, I'll give them at this point I had like multiple months rent saved up. Um, and I was like, I'll do whatever I can to like get out of this, right? She messages me on 4th of July. Um, to my phone asking if I can come and do her nails, which was our secret code word, right? And he wanted to me to make money. So he was like, okay, like, I'll let you go and do her nails. And I was like, yes, the plan is working for to do this. Um, and so I went and met up with her and it took a little longer than you then, then a normal nail set would take to do. Because I'm literally trying to like figure out a plan to get my stuff, get all my animals, take my Honda pilot without him noticing. Um, and you know, trying to like figure out a way to escape. So I get home from this quote unquote nail appointment. He is livid. He's already, he's already lit up on the cocaine. He's already, he's already drunk. His friends are all on the property. Um, they're barbecuing and stuff. And he takes my arm. He's like, what the fuck took so long? At this point, I'm just in bliss because I know that I'm leaving tonight. I know that this is the plan. The lady has the money. I've already confirmed all of this. I'm like, I don't care. I don't care what you do to me. I don't care. You do my family. Like, I'm leaving. And so I don't even care. Like he's like, he's got my arm. He's dragging me across the property. Like throws me into the like back, like fence, stuff area of this property with his friends. And he's like, he's like, I just wanted to have a good time. You know, it's 4th of July and like, I just want to have a good time and like, you're just fucking gone all day. And, um, I don't even know what you're doing. He's always can like accusing me of cheating on him. Um, which like. We weren't even together. Like, I'm like, I'm literally a prisoner. So if I did cheat on you, like, who cares? You know, um, but it was just ridiculous. But anyway, so he throws me into the backyard. And all by the way, his friends were always like, they knew they he didn't hide the abuse from from these friends of his. Like, they would just look down and just not say anything. And I just remember several times looking into these men. These are grown men 30s. Some of them are now in their 40s. And I'm a teenager. I'm 18, 19 at this time was 19. And I just remember looking at them in their eyes and being like, you're not going to do anything. Yeah. Because if I saw a woman or a dog or somebody like that had unmatched strength, like getting thrown around verbally abused raped, I wouldn't be able to, I wouldn't be able to. Like, I wouldn't be able to watch any of my friends do it. No, man. And if I had ever heard that one of my friends was beating on his wife, I'll let him know like that shit better never happened. Yeah, in front of me. I mean, you know, that shit should that that would never be okay. Well, it needs to stop. Yeah, you're not my friend. Yeah, right. And I mean, and these guys, they had all lived in the neighborhood. They all grew up together. And I guess it was all toxic. You realize how codependent these people are. They're all on drugs. They're all, you know, they're all addicted to something. They're all. Um, and it's all it's the reason why is because they never had a good community of people that actually cared about them. And it was all pretend. They all pretended to care about each other. But it was really what can I get out of this today? This this very like low vibrational mentality. What, what drugs can I score off of this person today? What, you know, can this person give me a free food from the place they were? What's in it for me? Exactly. Always. And that's why I realized they were all addicted. And in active addiction, but none of them talked about it that way because it was socially acceptable because they all needed a community. And that's where they found it. And it was also toxic and so codependent. But I just remember looking in these men's faces. And that day. And I had always been nice to them because these are his friends. And I wasn't really like. It's not like I was allowed to even cause problems in his life. Like if if I had not been nice to them, he'd be like, what the fuck is wrong? And I'd be in trouble, you know? But I had always just been nice to them just because I tried to get along with everybody. And I just remember looking in their faces. That day on the day that I escaped and just thinking like. If they were alone in a room with me. And they knew that nobody would ever find out they would do unspeakable things. Like I just remember thinking like if they can let this happen, they never worse. Like I have to get away from these people immediately. And I'm never going to see any of them again. And I love that for me. And so anyway, he throws me in the backyard with all of his friends. He's like, you're going to have a, you're going to sit down. You're going to party with us. You're going to have a good time. And I was like, oh, yeah, right? Like this weird like, like he needed me. He always needed me to get just as a nebriated as he was because he just needed a supply of acceptance all the time. Which is so crazy. I mean, like, because A, we're supposed to be selling this stuff. So like, you're just doing all the supply. Like it's like from a business standpoint, terrible business. But anyway. And then he's like, I know you have mushrooms. We're going to do the mushrooms. And I was like, the fuck we are. I'm not doing that. I'm trying to escape tonight. And he tries to. There's like this discourse. He tries to shove mushrooms literally in my mouth. And I was like, yeah, that's not, we're not doing that. So I just like covertly was like, oh, okay, fine. And I like like spit them out. But he ended up doing a lot of mushrooms that night. And he started having a bad trip, which is exactly what he gets. And he starts freaking out because he knew that I was going to leave on some subconscious level. I think he knew that I was going to escape. And he starts sobbing and apologizing. And he's like, I'm so sorry. I can't believe that I ever raped you. And that I ever, you know, forced myself on you. And I can't. I've made you do so much cocaine. And it's probably destroyed your body and your brain. And I'm so sorry that I'm so controlling. And I took you from your life. And I mean, he's all these things that I've always wanted to hear from him. But it's too late. I mean, you know, I'm leaving tonight. He knows that I'm leaving tonight. That's why he's changing his tune. And he's just having this bad trip. And I started laughing because I because at this point, I have no empathy for this man. I mean, the empathy has been beaten out of me. And I'm actively trying to stop doing cocaine and drinking. So I'm at this point, I think I was on like maybe like day two or three of not of sobriety, which ended up failing. You know, but this is like one of my first attempts. So I'm not in a place for empathy. Like I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm feeding. I'm trying to escape. Like, I'm like, dude, yes, you ruined my life tough. Like, I, you know, and so he's having this bad trip. It takes him forever to fall asleep. He finally falls asleep. And then I immediately I just start shoving every fall asleep in the backyard. Because he kept trying to go into the car to fall asleep in the car where we usually slept. And I kept like redirecting him to a lawn chair. Yeah, I need to take my car. I load up 13 chickens, three dogs. One of my dogs was pregnant at the time because he wouldn't. I've got I made the money to get her spade multiple times. He wouldn't because he was he would always just, you know, snort the money, whatever. One of my dogs is pregnant at the time. I've got two pit bulls and a doberman. The doberman's pregnant. I have two rats. A rabbit and a bucket was I built a pond on this land. And I put all my fish in a bucket. And I put the bucket. I was like, you're like, I'm not leaving you with any of my animals. Because that was the way that I had escaped through all that. So you like literally packed up like homeless Noah's Ark. Dude, I'm saying. Yes. Yes. And it was crazy because that because the way that I escaped the way that I would like my daily escape through this abusive relationship was the animals. And I was like, you know, like tending to like the garden that I had built there and my chickens and stuff. I was I was trying to bury my head in the sand. And I was like, okay. What I do have is at least this property that the lady that owned it said I could do whatever I wanted on. And that's what I did every day was just like I was like trying to like homestead. Which looking back now, I'm like, okay, that was a cracked out delusion. Like like well, but let's get our priorities in order. You know, I was. I mean, that so that's insane. Thank you for telling that story on here. Because I feel like that's something that really hasn't been told a whole lot. Oh, yeah. From your side. Yeah. And multiple levels. So I think a lot of people didn't hear that. Yeah. I think there are so many people that probably struggle with exactly what it is women specifically that struggle exactly with what you dealt with. Oh, yeah. I was listening to a podcast that you had done and you were mentioning. It's always a man. It's always like what? When the women sit here and tell their stories, it's always that they ran into the wrong man. Yeah. Yeah. No, it is. I mean, it always is. But for you, like, I mean, being him have been sitting here just kind of silent while because yeah, I'm sorry. I know. No, no, no, no, no. I needed to be told kind of without interruption because we're here to help. We're here to help people. And you're here to help people. And this is going to help somebody. I promise you what we're. I hope so. Cover kidnapping is not something that a lot of people talk about. They don't realize that it's happening to them. They just think they're with a shitty guy. And I've spoken to many, many women about this. And I'm like, hey, you know that like if you're not allowed out of his sight, that's false imprisonment. You know that, right? It's important to me that you know that. Yeah. And they don't they don't because they don't realize. Yeah, he just loves me a lot. Yeah. I want to be around me at all times. Yeah. Well, I think especially like when you mentioned the grooming in the beginning from the other relationship, we've had someone else come on here that talked about being groomed. Yeah. Yeah. When they were 13. And I feel like that was the first time I had ever heard of that even that word. Yeah. Because I guess guys probably we're not groomed, I guess. Right. We are grooms, but we're not groomed. Yeah. Oh, guys can definitely be groomed. Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. I think I've an older lady tried to groom me. I think a really good example of that would be usher and Justin Bieber. Like I'm like a like a current, famous example. And you can look into that on your own time. But yeah, I think it's actually important. And I've talked to many men about this too. Men are not as inclined to share their abuse stories because they're men. But I mean, I've spoken to several of my male friends and they tell me their stories. And I'm like, yeah, that was an appropriate behavior for you to be going through it 13 with some teacher or some big brother or some guy. Yeah. Getting you into the lifestyle. Right. That's that's grooming. You know, it's just it shows up differently. I think for women. Yeah, you're right. I had never heard the word before. Yeah. I think it's important, especially for women are younger women that watch this program that they can hear what grooming is. And maybe. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, turn on a light bulb before me and say, holy shit. It's kind of what I'm going through right now. Oh, yeah, man. And what what what I, what I so grooming. What I think a lot of people don't realize is that when a person is groomed. It can be for many different things. It could be just to like set them up to be a sex slave or to set them up to be a child star or just anything that gets their mentality ready to be taken advantage of. It doesn't necessarily have to be sexual abuse. It could be. It's just like I want to I want to like use this person. Even just to work for me for free. So I'm going to start. I'm going to start taking advantage of them in these small ways and maybe in front of their parents so that they feel that their parents are okay with it. And I'm going to try to set up their mentality to be ripe and ready to be taken advantage of. And I'm going to make them feel like they're cool and I'm going to make them feel like they talk about things that other people their age don't know about. And I'm going to make them feel like their music taste is really great or they're really great to be around or I'm going to make them feel like I'm always here to protect them and I'm always here to. It helps them down the right path. Yeah. And really it's not the right path. It's whatever path they want. And I think what happened to me is that again, because I didn't have the community and because I didn't fit in with my peers. For me, it was like I have it's okay that I struggle so so hard socially because I have this whole other life over here that nobody knows about and they wouldn't get it. And I'm drinking with these older people and I'm like hanging out with these older people and. It's so sad to me because I think about all of my friends now and I think about my husband now and my and I just think if there was a 14 year old right now within our social circle. Every single person I know right now would be like excuse me why what's going on here this is ridiculous this is this is we need to protect this person immediately this is not okay. And I think of how many people though like at the time just didn't think anything of like the like the groomers friends. Well, we're the only people that knew about our relationship and of course they didn't have anything to say about it because they were like whatever like he's you know he's doing this like young girl good for him. And I think to myself like you are 20 25 years old and you know that you're 20 25 year old friend is with this 14 year old and you don't. But there's so many people out there like that they just won't say anything the fear of social because he's groomed them to you know like the abusers will groom everybody in their lives to sort of be okay with this and my. The abuser that kidnapped me he groomed my family I mean it's not even just something that can happen to young people it's it's basically just the changing of someone's mentality and the manipulation of someone's mentality. In order to be accepting of whatever narrative you want to push on them and I mean the way that that happened with my family really is a great example of it because like I said both of my parents are very well educated. It's not like there are it's not like by the way I grew up with sober parents my dad had a beer occasionally you know my mom once she had to margaritas and she was absolutely shit faced and that's the one time I can remember my parents being drunk. They were mentally ill but they were not addiction doesn't really run in my family. And I think that I think I was like oh I'm safe from this because this is not something that we do. Right. I was living in this even while I was by the way an active addiction like like doing the cocaine and drinking every day and praying to God every day that I would be able to be allowed to wake up the next day. You were being forced to do it. Yeah well yeah but I think eventually I was like so physically dependent that it didn't really matter yeah. But that's what happens. Yeah. You know we had another young lady forced yeah I don't know if you saw Kendra's episode but she was sex traffic that five years old. Oh that's terrible. And so the time she was her 14 then she was shot up with heroin to deal with it. So when she got away she was still addicted to heroin. Yeah exactly. She's been shooting her ups since she was five to 11 years old. Yeah. So all she knows. And unfortunately now that I've made it out and I'm you know I do work with a lot of women that have gone through similar things. Good. Oh yeah and that's why I'm always an open book because like if anything that I say resonates with somebody just so they know that they're not alone. I mean I was I felt so alone. And that's the thing that actually kept me there a lot longer than I should have been. Because I didn't even like I thought yeah there's other people that are being abused but they don't they don't understand what I'm going through. Where there's other people that are addicted but that's different than what I'm doing. I can't associate with with that because then I would have to admit to myself that I really need help. And so I was always kind of like keeping this torture like to myself. Also just to protect like my family and stuff because I really did believe that he was going to kill my family. But I was going to say you were scared for your life. Yeah. And you were scared for those. There's a lot of women out there that stay in terrible relationships because they're the guy is abusive emotionally physically sexually. And says things like I will kill your entire family if you leave me. Yeah. And they've been it's been beat into them for so long that they think well fuck this is I mean I'm going to save my family and just stay in this terrible fucking situation. And you know yes and and I kept I kept thinking like you know maybe if we can actually make some money and we can get him in counseling. And I like I was always trying to find a way to bury my head in the sand and like kind of being denial of what the situation really was like on the bat like it is like I was two. I was like had two brains one of them was like no we know that we need to get out of here and escape like any time that we can escape we need to do that. And the other part of me was kind of like okay that sounds really hard. What if he can change and what if we can just make this easy. And what if I can just do like cocaine on the weekends I just be like one of those people that has like an office job and we do cocaine on the weekends and like and you know no that's and I was like I have my chickens and my and I was totally cracked out I was totally delusional. Like people would be like like at the time I was making a lot of art. And I've always been an artist but at the time I was doing a lot of like paintings of my chickens and my garden and like western sort of like themed and I would sell them. And like I would be talking to these people and they I'd be like oh yeah this is my chicken like and they would think that I was living this like home-stepping lifestyle. And I was like oh no I was going on and that helped me like buy into my own delusion. And I realized when I escaped I will have this again someday I will have land and I will have my chickens and I will have a place for my dogs to run all over the place and I will have you know a pond and I will have all these things again but it's going to be because I've reached a point in my life where it's the destination not the escape from this hell that I'm going through. Because it was really hard for me to leave all that behind. Like it was really difficult for me to leave the land behind that I had lived on for four years even knowing that it was like this horrible thing that I had to escape from. You made it your own. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this may be a tougher question for you to answer but at the wherever you saw this turning. Right. Where whatever point that was and only you really know that. Yeah. For somebody out there that might be hitting this at the same level. What do you think you could have done at the beginning to in high high hindsight is always a motherfucker. Oh yeah man. And I'm not trying to down I'm just trying to help somebody else. Oh no. Yes. So what do you think you could have done differently to get yourself out of there at and fuck it. Let's just say at any point. Yeah. During that whole time. Definitely. I always kick myself for. Don't do that by the way. Well. I know that's easier said than done for sure. Well, you know, I live with a lot of shame and guilt as most most addicts, former addicts, if you think you're always an ad whatever anybody that has been that has gone through the shit. Most of us live with a lot of shame and guilt. Sure. And regret. And you know, there's always there is the silver lining of like I wouldn't be who I am now. I wouldn't be working with women that are going through what I went through. I wouldn't have my reptile rescue. Now I don't think I wouldn't have my husband who is I mean, one of the greatest joys of my life has been my relationship with my husband. Like there's so many things that I would not have have ever achieved if I had not gone through this. But lessons don't have to be learned that hard. And I think one thing that I always kick myself for is just not paying attention to the red flags. I noticed the red flags. And I thought to myself, he's a little controlling or you know, wow, that's really weird. Like, why is he always like, why does he always have to be paying attention to whatever I'm doing on my phone or. Why does he not like any of my friend like just at the beginning when we were still friends. And I thought here's just this nice guy. There were red flags and I ignored them because I thought they're not that bad. Young women are constantly told to be polite and demure and to just accept what's going on in their world as to not cause a stir. And that will lead you nowhere so fast. Stand up for yourself. You know, be rude. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten myself into dangerous situations because I wasn't rude enough. I should have said no thank you. This is fucked. Don't talk to me that way. I'm out of here. But instead I was like, oh, okay, I'm sorry. Sure. We'll just whatever. We can just let that one slide. Don't let it slide. As a young woman, especially there's so many, there's so many people that will try to take advantage. And you can't let them. You have to notice the red flags and you have to say, hey, something within my soul feels uncomfortable being spoken to this way. Something within my soul feels uncomfortable that this person is taking so much authority over the details of my life. And that needs to be enough to just cut them off. You'll find other friends. You will. There's so many people. And there's so many people that you'll get to meet. And there's so many wonderful experiences that you'll get to have. You can live without this one. And I think if I could tell, I mean, so many of the women that I work with nowadays that are going through these abusive relationships, I always ask them like, what is this guy bringing? Is it that it's just somebody? Is it a warm body? Is it because there's lots of other warm bodies out there that would not treat you this way? I mean, what is it that makes him so special? Why are you so in love with him? Is it because he's the first person that was nice to you because that's not enough? People can be nice at first and then absolutely ruin your life. You can wake up one day, cooked out, living in a car, to some guy beating your dog. And it happens quick. It does. It happens so quick. I never thought that would be my life. And even when I look back on it now, I think, oh my God, I can't believe that was my life. And I continue to do the cook and stuff after I escaped him because I thought, oh, it's different this time. I was like, no, it's of my own volition. So it's fine. And it was COVID still. Remember? So there's not a whole lot of like jobs and stuff going on. And then you also had an addiction at that time, whether you wanted one or not. Right. Because he was making you do it, making you do it, making you do it. Like, if you make me do math for two weeks, I promise you I'll be right back in. It was. It's not even two weeks. Yeah. And then you know, I had gotten a job and and I was like, well, I'm just doing it to stay awake now. I got a job in the club industry and I was drinking a lot at work because it was encouraged. And I was like, well, now I'm just doing it to drive home. Now I'm just doing it because it's a party drug and it's social. And I know what I'm doing. And I'm used to doing these fat lines. And all these people are just doing bumps. This is child's play. And you know, I can, I like convince myself. And then I realized, I realized that at some point, I was going to have to deal with everything that I went through. And I was having PTSD episodes and the cocaine and the drinking were making it so much worse. They were like gasoline on the fire of my anxiety. And my depression. And I realized like, nobody's going to do this for me. Now, like I escaped. And I thought that my work was done, but it was only just beginning. And I realized like, oh shit. Now I'm not owned by anybody. I, you know, I'm free of my strict parents. Like now I actually have to do that. I have to like not only recover from everything I just went through, but I have to like make a life happen. I'm not going to be able to do that if I'm spending the amount of money that I'm spending and ruining my mental health to the extent that I am every single day with the drinking and the cocaine. So yeah, that was when the like real sort of work began. And I do think that if I had stayed in that relationship, I don't think I would be alive today. I really don't. I think that either he would have killed me or I would have killed myself or I would have overdosed. I don't think you would be alive either. Yeah. Just based on, and I'm glad you are. Thanks me too. Yeah. I'm sure your reptile rescue. Oh, yeah. So red-cast reptiles. What, what, go ahead and say that again. Right. Yeah. So red-cast reptiles is my reptile rescue. I'm a big nerd. I love Lord of the Rings. Radogast is my favorite wizard from Lord of the Rings. Because he takes care of the animals. So at some point during all of this, I've always loved animals. I've always loved nature. I was on the phone with my sister when I was kind of opening up to her about like what was going on right before I escaped. And she was like, I was like, look, I have no idea what to do. Like I have no idea. My life is going nowhere. I don't know what to do. And she goes, what's the, what is the one thing that you would do for free? She, she kind of like a high school counselored me or like college, like college counselored me. She's like, what's the one thing you would do for free? And I was like, reptile rescue all day every day. I would do that every single day of my life. I would love to change the trajectory of the lives of animals that have been neglected or bought and you know, forgotten about her, whatever. And she's like, okay, you have to do that. Come hell or high water. Like everything that you do from now on needs to be a step towards that. And she was like kind of getting like really like in my face and mean to me about it. Like defensive. Yeah. And I was like, okay. I mean, like, yeah, like that makes sense. At this time, she doesn't even know that I'm struggling with addiction. She doesn't know any like I just begin to open up to her. She doesn't know any of this. All she knows is that he's abusive. And I was like, no, actually, that makes a lot of sense because it is the only thing that I feel actually gives my life purpose in a way that makes me want to wake up every day and do something that's not just escaping. And I was like, yeah, okay, that's so that's the goal, right? So I got clean. Like four, almost four and a half years ago. I made it out of COVID. I'm still working in the club industry. I got my degree in veterinary technology because I really just I thought that that was going to be the right path for me. And I started DJing and I was like, oh, my God, not only am I making more money doing this, I'm actually, it's what is interesting because I was like testing myself every day. And it was hard at first with all the with all the drugs and the drinking that go on in clubs, it was really hard. Everybody's always trying to get the DJ a shot or whatever. And I think that I at a certain point was like, I'm going to be the DJ that doesn't drink at work. And I attribute a lot of my success as a DJ to that because I was realizing how much it was holding me back. And I was like, I'm going to be the DJ that doesn't do cocaine and doesn't drink at work. And if I can't do that, I have to leave this industry completely. But I'm going to give it a shot. And it's been four and a half years and I have not I don't I don't ever, you know, get any breathed work. I don't get any breathed after work. And it took a while because before I was like, okay, I'm not going to do it at work, but then after work. But you know, after out like many trials and errors, I was like, no, my brain and my animals deserve better. And I have to do that. I mean, I have to. It was like I wanted sobriety so badly just to know myself. Like I didn't even know myself at that time because I had been so long. No kidding. Yeah, I had been so long just like influenced by other people and drugs and alcohol. So I was like, you know, I'm going to do this. And I'm going to do it sober. And I'm going to. And the party will be at work. You know, and it's and now I know that the party is always there and I don't miss it. Like when I clock in, I have a great time at work. I love my job. I love being a DJ. I do it at night so I can do my reptile rescue during the day. And it funds my reptile rescue. So I never went back to the vet tech life because I realized that I wasn't going to make enough money to do the thing that I really wanted to do, which is the reptile rescue. And now I have been to many different schools and summer camp programs. Just I take my, so I rescue the reptiles. I try to get them returned back to health as, as completely as I can. And then I will take whatever reptiles I have on deck at the time. And I will go into educational programs with kids. Kids of all ages. I like when the parents are there. It's my favorite thing is to do educational programs with when the whole family is there. But I'll do nursing homes, people of all ages. And I have found that that is actually the thing that keeps me sober because I know that if I was, if I was, if I was, um, inebriating myself. Anything like I used to be there's no way that I would wake up early and go and do the educational program with all these lizards. There's no way that I would be having the capacity to take care of all these animals. There's no way. And when so when I say that like the reptiles actually saved my life, I really mean that. And they can like the work that I do with the reptiles continues to save my life every day. Even just if if I wasn't even going to relapse. Even just the depression and the struggles of the world like I would just be too depressed to even just like, you know, the reason I get up every day is to take care of my animals. And you know, you hear about these prison programs with their giving them cats and dogs in prison. And it works. It has like a 98% success rate. Yeah. And I truly believe that animals in nature are the way back and they are the light at the end of the tunnel. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a life after addiction. And for me, animals in nature are the path to that. And for somebody else, it might be working with kids or music. But for me, like, I, I just, anytime I hear that somebody is struggling. I'm like, hey, do you want to come and hang out with my pets for a little bit? I think that might help. I don't know. You know, help me. Yeah. It's I think it's important whenever, especially when you get sober. Because you were pretty much in it since you were 13. Yeah. So I felt like when I got sober, I had not grown up in those 10 years that I was in addiction. That I had to go back to the age that I had started. Yes. And start figuring life out from there again. Is that makes sense? Oh, yeah. So like, my addiction really started when I was 32. I got sober when I was 42. But those 10 years, like, I got to see people in those 10 years, like, go far ahead of me. And I was still here, if not even worse, because I had lost everything that I had except for my life and my daughter. I literally had to start rebuilding the pieces from when I was 32. And I just had to chalk those 10 years up and say, well, my next 10 years are going to be like those 10 years were supposed to be. Yeah, man. And I had to find, and it sounds like what you did was you had to find your why. And it had to be bigger than what you are. I always say your why has to be bigger than I. Yeah. Definitely. If it's only about me, I will fuck it up. And I will quit when it gets hard. Because I don't care about myself enough. No, I didn't care about myself. I never have. And I'm getting there. Yes. It's a journey. But even currently, I can't be, I can't be like stupid enough to say, oh, I care about myself enough now. Like that I don't have to like really worry about this anymore. I'm not going to go back and do what I was doing. I have to, it has to be a daily thing that you're like, no, no, no. I have to stay focused on the goal that is bigger than myself. Because if it is just about me, I know myself and I know that no matter how it feels. Yeah, you'll be walking it back. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, that's so important to not compare yourself to other people's timelines because, you know, there's people out there that I would consider financially successful. That never went through the things that I went through that I went to school with. And I think, wow, that guy's really doing great. I have no idea what's actually going on in their life, though. And at the end of the day, I think that I'm successful enough for me. I think that that making it out of addiction, you are a success. And you don't have to compare yourself to people that are doing better than you financially or having their dream job or whatever because you've already like it is a success story. Just to have 30 days sober is a success story. Yeah, that's true. Never thought about it like that. Yeah. It's literally probably one of the worst things that you'll ever go through and be able to get through. Yeah, I mean, aside from like losing a kid or something probably. Which causes that a lot of the time. There's always a catalyst for, you know, you're always missing something that you're replacing with the drugs or the food or whatever. It could be lots of things. And I think a lot of us going through addiction is actually really traumatizing just from like a physical like neurological like neuroscience standpoint. And I think that like a lot of people don't realize that where when you're traumatized, a part of your brain stops there. And you have to go back and say what happened in my childhood that traumatized me that part of me is still five years old. What happened in my past that I started doing I started getting addicted and part of me is still 13 years old. I have to go back and talk to that 13 year old and be like, Hey, what do I need to do to give myself back that year? You can't ditch it. You can't ditch the memory. No matter how horrible or traumatic it was, it was a part of the journey. Right. So always feel like that's those are the people that I've talked to sitting in your chair that have always been the most successful. And all of them have been successful, you know, but the ones who didn't ditch those horrible things that happened to them. And kind of leaning on them in a weird way. Almost being grateful for. Yeah, I mean, yeah, wearing them like a badge of honor, you know, like kind of what you're doing right now in a big way. Well, thanks. I mean, I very much do. I also think that like as a woman, you want to be classy and you want to, I say this for like five inch nails. You want to be, you want to be, you don't want people to know like there's this like pressure on women that we have to be classy and pleasant and all these things. And I don't want to tell anybody that I've gone through this because that sounds really ghetto or I don't want to tell anybody that I was homeless because like that's not classy. Like that's that's ugly for a woman. And the thing is I always say it's much classier to have come out of adversity and to have made my way out because yeah, there was a time that you could catch me at a gas station at three in the morning cracked out like cooked out in the bathroom. Like stealing chips and like water. You know what I mean? Like there was a time that I was not a very classy person. But it's so much it's so much like you can find peace with yourself and the way that you are in society. You don't have to always feel like an outcast just because you went through addiction because I have found now that because of the compassion and the empathy that I have achieved now because of what I've gone through. I think that I'm a classier person now that I was when I went before this journey began because now I can lift up another woman and say, hey, let's polish that crown for you and get you're on your way. We don't have to, you know, we don't have to think like, oh, this is too shameful for me as a woman to have gone through and I can't share it with anybody because they're going to look like anybody that looks at you differently. You just haven't gone through it. And that's what it is. And they may never get the opportunity to have the level of empathy that you have gotten the opportunity to have. And I think when you switch it, I mean, it's not always easy to look at that through that silver lining. I think it's very liberating when you're able to say, this is what I went through. This is what what it was. This is what I overcame and this is who I am now. Yeah, I think that it's very, very liberating. I think there are some people out there that get sober and they refuse to talk about whatever it was. Right. People used to tell me like, you should just leave that in the past and not talk about. Yeah. Well, why did I go through it if it can't if I can't use it to help somebody else? Oh, yeah, definitely. And, and you know, and really in helping someone else by using my story, it helps me and it reminds me to yes, that I'm not far from going back there. Yes, you know, exactly what I was saying, like when I look back on my life and I think, man, that's like a bad movie. It's not though. It's my life and I actually did go through it and it could happen again. Like it happened anybody. You was a star actress and yeah, yeah. But I think I think like when you're sharing your story, there's always this like, oh, dang, like they're going to know now, you know, but for sure. I couldn't imagine like I and I don't imagine because I'm the moron, right? I didn't go through anything that you guys went through, but I talk about it all the time. Like it blows me away every single episode that we have from one to 70, 70, whatever, wherever we're at now is how easy you just made that look. And I know that it's not though. Like I know it's not. I know that it takes a, I know it takes a lot of courage to sit on sit there with that microphone in front of you in a camera in front of you and a dude you don't know and tell it all over again. Well, thank you. I thank you guys for giving me the opportunity to tell it. Sometimes it's really good. Like on the, especially on the anniversary of things like the fourth of July. Oh, by okay. So by the way, when I escaped, it was fourth of July when I was kidnapped. It was fourth of July. And as I was going with all my animals driving to this new house that I've never been before. My dog, my pregnant dog, she put her head in my lap and she kind of sighed this sigh of relief. I think she knew that we were never going back. And immediately as soon as that happened, something very magical happened. And this is honestly why I believe in God. And I know it's so silly, but I felt God's presence during this time fireworks as I'm going down the highway. All these fireworks just lit up the entire city. And I was thinking it before that I was a maybe I should turn back. What if he finds out that I'm gone and all this and like that happened in the fireworks. And I was like, no, this is the beginning of my new life. Yeah. And it was in, in that way, I think there's magic. Like magical things start happening when you start choosing the thing that's right for you. And that's why I always tell my story. Even if sometimes it's uncomfortable or like I don't ever want to trauma dump. Sorry, I like have, you know, had like diary of the mouth this whole time. But like it's it is it does all kind of like once I start talking about it. I'm like, oh yeah. And then this thing happened that I completely forgot about that. And it is truly a gift to me to be reminded of. And it makes me more grateful for my husband and my friends that I have now. And my job that I have now that I'm allowed to have because nobody's going to keep me from having a job. And you know, my animals that I have now it makes me so much more grateful to be reminded of those things. And I just hope that anybody that is hearing this. I hope that they know that one day you can look back and be reminded of how grateful you are for all the things that you're going to have. And it sounds so fake and it sounds like there's never any way that I'm going to be able to achieve that. And it sounds like, well, that's her story, but it can't be mine, but it can. And there's a light there at the end of the tunnel. And there is life after addiction. And it's so beautiful and so worth it. And it's so. It's there are magical movie moments that happen that make you realize that it is just completely worth it to just turn around and go on a different path. And sometimes it's not magical and sometimes it's mundane. And you also, though, have to be grateful for the Monday. Sometimes I don't want to clock in to work. Sometimes I don't want to clean up a bunch of lizard shit, but then I think to myself like I get to clean up this lizard shit today and not wake up in a car. Let's do it. Yeah, that's awesome. I always say like you got to be grateful for the ups and the days. Yes. Like I'll tell you a quick story, me and Destiny the other day we were driving me destiny, my daughter. And Destiny wanted to go eat. She want to go eat Jason's Deli. I've never ate Jason's Deli in my life. And Kaylyn, I know for a fact is not going to fucking sandwich. She's like five things in the world. Yeah, pizza. Yeah, well, we didn't know that. So we're driving and I'm telling Destiny is like, she's like, well, let's just go somewhere else. And I said, no, we'll go there. And if we don't like it, me and Kaylyn will go somewhere else. Like we have options, right? And then we pull up to this red light and there's a homeless guy there. And he doesn't he does not look in good shape. And I said, Destiny, give me you have some ones, give me some ones. So we gave him some ones. And he's literally sticking his hand in a bottle of peanut butter. If he can out and you eat an office fingers. And I gave him the money and he was like, thank you so much. Just like man, God bless you. I'll pray for you. And it was like silence for like 20 seconds. Yeah. And we pulled up to the light and I turned because we were going to visit one of my buddies that just passed away. We were going to his grave site. And I just I told Destiny I said, he was literally eating out of a fucking jar with his fingers. And I just started crying. Yeah, man. I was like, man, here we are talking about which restaurant do we want to go eat? What we have options? We can go to two or three of Kaylyn. I don't like the sandwiches. I was literally fucking in who knows how old the peanut butter is. But he's literally fucking digging through the peanut. I love that that's what you're concerned about. But peanut butter lasts forever. But no, again, what you're saying. Well, sitting there crying and then Destiny, she doesn't cry much. And she's fucking sad about it. And I'm like, bro, like what assholes are we like? We have so many options. And this guy is literally just fucking digging away in peanut butter. Yeah. But it made me like really just be grateful. Yeah, man. And just be grateful. And we set a prayer for the guy and God watch over him. But there's a lot of those God moments. Yes. There's a lot of you said magical moments. God humbles me a lot of times when I need to be humbled so much. And it's crazy the way that it works. He just put something in front of me and says, here you go. And I'm like, thank you for showing me that. Yes. Thank you because I was being very ungrateful for a second. Yeah, man. And you know, it happens to me all the time. And especially when I'm working with these women. And like I said, the classy thing. Like women always have this sort of like, I don't want to come across this way because that's not like, you know, I don't want to seem ghetto or whatever. And a lot of the time when these women tell me like what they're going through, they are always like really embarrassed and shameful about it. Let me just tell you a little bit about what happened to me. Like, this is not, this is a safe space. Let me set the table. I'm like, you do not need to feel ashamed. You know, it's okay that you don't pronounce your I.N.G.s. Like, I'm not going to judge you because I was literally, yeah, it's fine. But I do feel that when they're telling me these things, then I feel that shame and I feel that guilt. There's always God in my ear going, hey, that shame and that guilt that that person is feeling. I gave that shame and that guilt to you so that you would know exactly how to handle the situation. And it has created so many magical connection moments in my life of just being like, hey man, the shame and the guilt. That's because you are trying to do better. People that are sitting there living blissfully numbed by their substances and by their, by that lifestyle still. They're not feeling, you know, they're not feel like, yes, they're ashamed guilt there that they're numbing. But the reason you're feeling it right now and the reason you're trying to do better and you're feeling embarrassed and you're feeling you can't assimilate to society and you're trying. And you feel like you're set a saw, like you feel like you're outcasted. It's because you're trying, you know, people that are surrounding themselves with nothing but acceptance and substances to like, like they're numbing the shame and guilt. It's okay to go through that shame and guilt and be like, yeah, I fucked up. Yeah, I need, I'm trying to re-assimilate into society right now and it is hard and I don't feel like everyone else. The reason you're feeling that way is because you're doing the right thing and you're on the right path. It's not because you're going to have forever this black spot and you're going to be forever marked as that guy that was addicted to meth. It's because you're trying your best and you're trying to analyze yourself and why you went through those things and why you did those things to yourself. And you're trying to make amends. And I still feel shame and guilt a lot of the time. Like I still feel it. But I remind myself that's a lot better than being in denial and not allowing God to show me because I wasn't going to see it. God tried to show me so many times and I wasn't, I just applied everything. Yeah. I was a bit, well, doing better than most. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sleeping under a bridge yet. Yeah. Or like I'm the only one that's working out of the group of people that I smoke meth with so I'm better than they are. I still show up for my daughter even though I didn't show up in the way that I should. I didn't miss anything. I was late all the time. But I was able to justify all that shame and guilt and it wasn't shame and guilt for me during my addiction. Yeah. It was shame and guilt after I got out of my addiction. I was able to look back and say, what the fuck was wrong with me? Yeah. Like, well, how did I do that to my daughter? How did I convince myself that this was okay? Yeah. This was just normal. Yeah. This is just, this is the book that God gave me. Yeah. That's what I used to always say. This is what the best he had in the world. I guess this is it. And God said, and they're going, not really. I keep trying to show you something better and keep using this shit hole. Yeah. Yeah. I know, man. I got a question for you. Okay. Said you're a Metallica fan. I love Metallica. Is it your favorite band? Whoa. That's fucking hardcore. Oh my God. That's a Metallica. That's an inside the lip tattoo. I was sober when I got this Metallica. I had been sober. I had been sober for over a year when I got this was not a cracked out decision. By the way, I really love Metallica. That is so much. Okay. So what's your favorite album? Oh, man. Garage. No, you know what? It's Master of Puppets. It's Master of Puppets. That's the right answer. And it has to be. Yeah. That's the correct answer. It has to be Master of Puppets. Just because that album has been there for me. I mean, I know this sounds really silly, you know. But when I was a kid, I was really, really into the 80s. And my friends were not, you know. And Master of Puppets was one of the first albums that I listened to. That gave me such energy that I was like. This is crack. Like, this is better than every, like, this makes me feel like it's okay that I don't, that they don't like it because they just don't know what they're fucking talking about. Like, this is the shit. This is like, I, I, like, when I first listened to Master of Puppets, it was like a, it was an awakening. And it was there with me when I was in addiction. It was there with me when I first started DJing. Like that, that album for me really has a special place in my heart. I mean, and so many do, but I feel like what, like, it's, yeah, it's got to be Master of Puppets. So I'm a metalhead. And I rank Master of Puppets as the best heavy metal album of all time. Okay. Yeah. I think it's, I think it's a, from front to back, it's just, so before you said that, that's why I said, that's the correct answer. Okay. Fair enough. Out of all, out of all of them, my opinion, I think Master of Puppets is a perfect heavy metal record. I love it. I love it. I'll list. Yeah. I mean, I'll listen to it front to back. I also love Iron Maiden though. And I would say as far as metal records go and the power slave is a close. But not as good. Yeah. I think it's great, but it's not as good. Yeah. But anyway, yeah. I think, I think another thing too, even just like bringing that even back to addiction. Like, I think another thing too is that like, a lot of the stuff that I naturally like, like redneck activities and metal. Yeah. Like, there's like, just like, it happens to be a lot of addicts that do those types of things. Right. So like everywhere I was like, man, all my hobbies, there's just all these addicts everywhere. Like, I don't know. But if you listen to Master of Puppets, the song. Yeah. No, exactly. That is like all about addiction. I mean, that is how much fucking crazy addiction song. Yeah. Exactly. That's why it got me through so much. If you just read the, the, the fucking lyrics on it, you're like, holy shit. Yeah, man. Hard core. Yeah, as a kid, I didn't realize how much I was manifesting this addiction. Yeah. But, uh, but yeah, I mean, like, but you know what's really great is that when I was going through the addiction, I was like, man, all these metal shows I go to, like, there's all these, like, you know, it's just everywhere. And now I'm like, man, there's a lot of people that like the hobbies that I like that are sober. And that's cool because where there's addicts, you know, where, like those hobbies that there's addicts, there's also a lot of people that have achieved sobriety in those as well. And that's really cool because like, there's a lot of rock stars out there that are in the shit with the addiction. There's a lot of rock stars out there that have been sober for 10 years. Yeah. So I think what's really great is that, uh, you don't have to, you don't have to remove yourself from the things that you love. I still go to, I still get fuck it up in the mosh pit. But I'm just not sneaking off to the bathroom every five seconds and missing half the show. Yeah. So, like, you can still do the things that you enjoy and you can, I mean, for me personally, I can still be around substances. Um, I just, I look at it differently. And sometimes I do have to remove myself, but it's never that I have to remove myself from the things that I love. It's always that I have to remove myself because I care too much about this person and they're not willing to go, they're not willing to change. And I'm going to sit there with them until I go down that path again or I have to remove myself from this situation. Um, just the, just the pregame. I can still go to the show, but I have to remove myself from the pregame. It's not that it's not that you have to completely change who you are. Um, I still do lots of red neck activities. I'm just not, uh, you know, I'm not good. I'm not doing the meth with, you know, or whatever. Like, and I, and I know people, plenty of people that do, but it's okay to say, I don't have to be at that party. I can still do my hobbies. I don't have to be at that party. Um, but yeah, no, I love metal. Metal has meant so much to me. Um, and I guess looking at me, you wouldn't think like a lot of people are like really surprised. Uh, but yeah, I mean, metal metal. I would have never guessed the metallic attack too. Oh, yeah. I love metallic. I mean, well, that's part of the reason why I got it is because like, because master, because master of puppets, but Metallica in general has been with me through so much. And they really helped me through my addiction. Like, honestly, you did that in the most hardcore way that you possibly could. Like on the inside of your bottom lip, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. They hurt. Yeah. And the guy that was doing it was like really attractive. And he was like holding my like, like my face like this. And he was like right here in my face. And I was like, and he, and this is my first tattoo. And he was like, are you, he's like, are you okay? Like do you need anything? I know this is your first tattoo. And I'm like, no, I'm fine. I'm like, I'm not good. I didn't want to show him that I was like, no, like this doesn't feel like anything, but it hurt really bad. Yeah, that cannot. That cannot feel good. No. What did they do? They just hold it open tattoo like this. They just hold it. Yeah. And he got really in there. But that is wild. Yeah. But yeah, part of, I mean, I was like, I have to, because I quote Metallica lyrics all the time. So I was like, I might as well, I don't know. Yeah. I wanted Metallica tattoos so bad, but I didn't want it to be visible. Yeah. Because, you know, at the time I was, I had was coming out of like, I was like a year sober and I was like, I don't want people to like, I don't want people, I don't want to have like visible. I don't want to look like I was a cocaine addict, you know. I got one, I don't want to have, you know, but I do. Should've got the metal up your ass tattoo. Yeah. Like on a back piece. Yeah. Bugs of knife coming out of a toilet. But at one point, I, I, I, one point I would love for James Hatfield to see my tattoo. I was like, whenever I meet James Hatfield, I need to have the tattoo ready to go. You know, I haven't met him yet. Hey, one of the guys that works with us just went to their concert. Yeah, yeah. He went to North. He, he goes to all of them. He goes, he like, he flew to North Carolina to go around. I've been to quite a few. And then he decided that were they in Houston? Yeah. He fucking got tickets to go watch. I mean, Houston, like the next weekend. Yeah. I had written down some things. And I was like, okay, I definitely want to talk about this, this, and then when I came and sat down, I didn't realize. But thank you so much for this opportunity. It's been very cathartic. So I want to address what you just said. I think you need to come back on. Like probably soon. I think you're definitely one that the, the, there's more in there that I would like to get in. And we barely talked about drugs. I know. Like rightly so. Like rightly so. I think, but I, but that's important. It was the same thing with Kendra. I would urge you when you leave here, go watch the one with Kendra. Okay. I think maybe I did. Is she, she's this beautiful woman with tattoos and like black hair? Or was that someone else short? She has very short hair. Okay. No, that was not her. She does have a lot of tattoos. Okay. But she has very short hair. Her story is wild. Okay. Yeah. I would love to. I think there's some parallels there. And I, I think even if you guys like linked up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's probably fucking do some real real good. You know what's crazy is that every woman that I meet, and if this doesn't matter where I'm not talking just about at the club or any, anywhere I go, any job I have, every woman I meet that I ever get close to in any way at some point or another shares an abuse story with me. And it's to the point that I can't find one woman in my memory that I've been close to at all that doesn't have one. Yeah. And, and that is really, really saying something. I mean, that is really, and so many women that I met out on the streets when I was homeless were like, you know, my husband came in, did what he did to fuck up my life and then left me and here I am. Yeah. You know, or, and, and that's, I'm not saying that it's always a man's fault. Of course, we need to take responsibility for ourselves as women, but I mean, I hear so many stories that it's almost like, it's almost like all, it's almost like every woman has gone through a plane crash at some point and we're like, non-survivors. You know what I mean? Like when we like see each other, you know, and you go, what's that scar from? What's this shame that you feel? What is this, you know, what is this thing that need that you need to be lifted up on as a fellow woman? Like, what's going on here? And they go, oh, back in non, you know, like back there in my abuse relationship. Like, we've all been there, you know, and that's just, that needs to change. Yeah. That's something I say all the time, like people that I'm eating the rooms. I mean, a lot of, I'm friends with a lot of women and a lot of men. Thank God I have Destiny who's not a jealous person because I have a lot of women that reach out to me. And I would say probably every one of them, 98% have been raped or molested somewhere down the road. Yeah. But now that men are starting to talk about it more, a lot of men have been molested to somewhere when they were young. And I'm so grateful that we are moving as a society. I mean, there's a lot of ways that we're moving as a society into a place that is not that good. But one of the ways that I'm really proud of us is that that little piece of the patriarchy is starting to chip away. And that men are becoming more encouraged now to talk about their stories. Because I think what I mean, a man that is comfortable with his emotions is a safer man. So it comes full circle. You know, not only do we want men and boys to grow up and have these better lives where they're able to cry and they're able to say, hey, I'm going through this and I feel alone and hopefully a trusted adult can help them. But they're not going to grow up and say, I never dealt with this. I'm not allowed to feel my emotions. So now I'm an unsafe person. So it comes full circle. I mean, men, the health of men, the mental health of men affects everybody. And I'm so proud of us as a society that we're starting to say, hey, man, it's not cool anymore to bury it with whiskey. But I think the mental health of people is super, super important. And it's just for whatever reason, whatever the caveman thing is where dudes just, you know, you're designed to just, you're all you're trying to do is make it through life without your homeboys calling you pussy. Like that's like, that's the only, that's the whole, like that's really like the only goal. I was like, I got three brothers, man, we're brutal to each other. Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out ways like to not be called a guy and pussy. But if you, if you were struggling, could you call them? Of course. That's good. That's so good. Yeah. I mean, we pile on each other in a very joking way. That's good. But it, but when you're younger, like you're not, you don't know how to process that stuff. That your point being 13, right? Yeah. When you're a 13 year old boy, your brother just called you a giant pussy because you open an umbrella when it's raining. Doesn't even make sense. Like, it's like, dude, I'm doing something smart. Actually, to that point, actually, to that point, one thing that I always used to hate. So my abuser, like anytime he had a needed type of drink with like whipped cream on it. Oh, yeah. He would have to mix the whipped cream into the drink so that nobody would know. Oh, yeah. And I just remember thinking like, this is how deep the misogyny goes within that man. Yeah. It's literally whipped cream, brother. Yeah. Like, it's okay. It's delicious. We all know. It tastes good. Like, and I just remember thinking like, oh my god. Like, that was one of the first red flags that I should not have ignored. Yeah. I know I'm so serious. I'm so serious. I'm so serious. Or take me to the chair. Like, you didn't behind you. I could burn. I don't want to fuck you. I don't want to fuck you. I'm a fucking serious. I'm a fucking serious. What is going on here, you know, and that was one of the first red flags. I was like, man, he's so scared of being seen as feminine in any way that he can't even enjoy whipped cream. And I worked at Amy's ice creams at the time. So for me, whipped cream was great. Frozen dairy is a passion of mine. Yeah, that's true. You know, like confections are very much a passion of mine. And yeah, so I'm thinking like, man, that's so weird. Like, he must really not be comfortable with his feminine side. But again, I was like, ah, okay, that's fine. We'll work on it. He's a dude. I'm not a man. Yeah. But like, my husband now would never do that. He'd be like, why are you mixing the whipped cream in there? What are you doing? Like, that's how, like, you know, we probably have three or four whipped cream bottles in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's something. I'm sorry, you know, you was going to say that's something that I cry a lot when we watch movies. I'm a fucking cryer. That's good. And Destiny will always, she knows when a part gets there, she'll be like, and I'm like, what? What? Yeah. She always tells me she's like, that's one of the things that I love so much about you. Yeah. Is that you are willing to show me the emotions because when we have a kid, especially when we have a boy, we're not going to have a boy that thinks, ah, fucking can't be this. No, we'll have a boy that understands like, even my dad cries. Yeah. And dad cries all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it makes young men so much stronger. I hide it stronger. You still hide it. You hide it when you cry? I kind of can't because, but it's like the same thing. I'm watching a movie or something. I cried when Iron Man died in end game. And I was like, you know, fucking fucking. I thought you were going to say the Iron Giant. I don't know if you've ever seen that. Iron Giant, I would cry too. Old Yeller. Like, I mean, you name, I'll go down the list of movies I don't make me cry. I've never seen that. And I'm always trying to fight it. Why? Because it's the DNA thing. I don't know. Just think of it as an opportunity. You're like, fuck yeah, I get to cry now. Yeah. Like, we saw I was like, two, you cried seven times. This is like our first movie. Buddy, it's our first movie date. Now fucking cry in seven times. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, when I was in rehab, we watched Transformers first. Oh, yeah. Dude, Bumblebee got his ass wet. No, no, no, no, he's the sweet one. I was bawling and I know that he's going to be okay. He's already seen this movie. Oh, dude. I saw it. You know what always gets me on in forest gum. When he gets on the butt, oh my god, I'm not start crying. Oh, yeah. When he gets on the seats taken. And nobody won't. Oh my god. Yeah. Like every time I cannot stand bullying, like as an adult, because I was bullied as a kid as an adult, I'm like, absolutely the fuck not around me. You are not going to. And like every single time he gets on that bus, I know what's going to happen. I know he's going to be okay. Like I've seen the movie that that was not, but when he gets on that bus and the kids are just like, it's just like making it very obvious that he's just not, he's disallowed. I have to take a minute every time. I'm about to cry right now. It's so, it's so, and it's interesting, like as an adult, the things that still get you. Because you think like, well, I don't care. I was bullied, but then I have friends now, but they're still that little piece. Oh, dude. You know? Yeah, like as a man, like if you get a man whose childhood dog passed away at any point in his life, if he ever had a childhood dog and that dog is no longer with us, any movie with any dog, like that man will be fighting back tears. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Marley, Marley and me. Marley and me. Marley and me is a rough one. I mean, yeah. Oh, is the dog die? If you've never seen the old guy. The dog dies. Yeah. But it's like, it's this, the guy gets the dog, then you don't want the dog. The dog goes through all these dog things. Dog watches them get married, watches them have kids, watches them. What did you just say? The dog goes through all these dog things? Well, the dog, what dogs do, right? Puppy, they eat and shit. Oh, okay. You know, all the, the, the things that puppies and dogs do when they're little, but there's dog. I've never seen it. Basically lived this, this this guy go through life. Hmm. And then it passes away. And it's like brutal. It's just like. You're all. All guttlers are hard for me. I've never seen that one either. I think my sister always protected me. She would always be like, there's a sad animal thing in this. Don't watch it. If you don't cry at the end of old Jellar, I feel like you're just not a person. I think there's a lot of movies that if you don't cry in. Yeah. A little bit. Or it doesn't get to you. A little bit. I don't cry. She doesn't cry at all. Because I just don't have a feeling for it. Like I know it's based on not like thinking about it. The only reason I was showing you that had been like in tears is the dream mark. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. Oh, yeah. She taught me at the end of this. Fuck you for making me watch this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There was one more. What was the other one recently? I don't like the dark. That's that. Oh, have you ever seen the sound of freedom? I have not. So this. I've watched it over six days because every time something would happen, I'd turn it off. I'd be the mouse for a second on my phone and then go back to it the next day. And then you had me like, so the sound of freedom is a true story. It's from another country, but it's it's US based, right? But these people, this woman pretends to be like a talent agent. And these people bring their kids to her. And then they fucking steal the kids and sex traffic. Oh, my God. And it's terrible. It's a true story. The guy that is the main character, he works for a department of Homeland Security, right? And they are responsible for going and finding these sex traffickers, like the pedophilers and all that, but they never find the kids. They've they've like arrested 300 and something people. But one of his buddies says, you notice we never find the kids though. So he makes it they finally found this brother and sister get sex traffic together. They find they find the brother. He's like five or six. And the brother asked him, he says, I think you're my guardian angel. Can you please help me find my sister? So he makes it his life mission to go find this girl. Like he sells his house, remorages are he remorages his house, takes all his life savings, puts it into this thing to go find this girl. And she's often in a jungle somewhere with some cartel where the main cartel guy is using her as his wife or whatever. And she's like nine or 10. And he goes in and they rescue her and they get her out. The real story, the really the guy from the movie that is based on, he actually hires mercenaries to go in and fucking murk all these people and get the kids out. And then it was such a big deal that it was an independent, he had funding for the movie. And then he lost all the funding because people did not want people to know that sex trafficking happens here in the United States the way that it does. Why would you not want people to know that? Because the people that are tied into it. Well, I know I know what money, right? And so he had to self-fund in himself and go find the funding for the movie. And it ended up being like one of the biggest grossing movies ever of an independent. And then afterwards they try to, they try to ruin his name saying he was harassing his employees and this and that, a bunch of things that were coming out about him that if I'm not mistaken, they were all proven to be not true. But they try to ruin his image from it too. Yeah, it's a fucking phenomenal movie, but you will absolutely cry. They look hard in it where like he's going to press keys and say, he's like, I'm going to say, what the fuck is it? And then he said, oh, I'm setting down. But he's that long, he's been gone. He's been in there since he was five. I had to turn it off, you are in one. When they asked him what his name was, what do you say, Teddy Bear? Because that's what the sex trafficker's calling him. Oh, that's so gross. I was saying all names like color tag. It's fucking insane. But yeah, it's a phenomenal movie. Teddy. Wow. You seen it? No, but I'm going to. Yeah, I'll go check it out. And you know, HBL max, all right. Oh, you watch it? I watch it when I tell my friend, did you cry? Yeah, I said, are you cry? I cry out. Oh, really? I thought you were like the stone cold face, like baby face assassin over there. Okay. Okay. I mean, can you, what do we go watch? Wild robot? Wild robot, I cried 14 times with Kaelin. Kaelin was a head was consoling me the whole time. She's like, Dad, what are you crying for again? Yeah. It's a terrible fucking movie. It's a terrible fucking kid movie. Yeah, you know what else makes me cry is Furngully? Like, because I love nature so much. I don't know if, has anybody here seen that? Have you seen it? It's been a long time. You see that? Okay. Well, all of y'all need to watch Furngully. If I didn't have to go to work, I would be putting it on right now. Furngully is a very important film. It's a very important film. It's about environmental conservation. It's a cartoon. So there's these fairies and they live in the woods like in the rainforest. And first of all, the art in this film is fantastic. But there's this young kid who works for this logging company and the logging company comes to their forest to like cut down the forest. And the guy encounters one of these fairies and she accidentally shrinks him down to fairy size. It's a cartoon. And so he learns all about the way of these fairies. And then he's like, oh my god, we're about to cut down this whole forest. Like, we have to stop this. And it's basically, it's just an incredible movie. But I think that as a kid, it radicalized me. Like when I was a kid, I was like, this is the only thing that matters. In fact, it's like for the environment. Yeah. And there's also a really big lizard in it. So like when I was a kid, I was like, ah, there's the lizard. But it got me excited. I was like, let's watch the movie with the freaking lizard. Robin Williams is in it. It's a great film. But and I think because it radicalized me so hard when I was a kid, now every time I see it, I'm just like, and everyone's like, this is like a happy movie. But they save the forest. Like, what are you doing? And I'm like, it's just, they're saving the trees. And it's important to them and the fairies live here. But yeah, like, it's interesting like those little things from your childhood that you're like, man, that really hits me. Yeah. But yeah, I was so, so you've never been addicted to anything? No. Oh, no. Good for fucking you. I mean, I guess you could say, you know, booze is my drug of choice. I drink probably drink too much, I would say. I would even say that. But nothing that is that I need to go to rehab for. Well, that's actually why we're all here. This is actually right. This is for you. Lock the door. No, for sure. I mean, to be honest with you, this thing has changed. It's your intervention. It's fucking changed me in a big, big way. Well, that's the hope, right? You like hope that, you know, people will hear this and be like, man, here's some things that I should watch out for. So that doesn't happen. Oh, man, like, I mean, I'll start with this guy. I mean, curiosities and me just loving him was like, let's sit down and do it. But I thought I was going to come in here and be the moron and be like the Dick and fart guy. Like, okay, let's sprinkle funny into these stories, right? Like that was originally meant to be my role. But just the, I mean, I think it's probably, overall, it's made me much, much better. And then I think in some ways, it's made me a little worse because now I listen to some people's bitch moaning and complaining. And I'm like, you have no idea. You have no fucking, like it's hard for me to listen to you, bitch moaning, complain about that. I go to a young lady that was kidnapped at that fucking 14, basically 17 and, and he's like correcting him. Grume from 13 to 17, kidnapped at 17 or 18 or tendra sex traffic from 5 to 11, 5 to 14 and again, lost a son and like, I mean, just they transported and dog cages. How do you find them? How do you find these people? They reach out to us. They reach out. Or we meet them like I met you. Or Destiny met you and was like, hey, I don't just go to great story. I was like, hey, I used to be a homosatic by the way. And she was like, no way. We got a spot for you. We have this whole thing. I mean, really? So I meant to tell, I'll tell this story, but yesterday, me, my girlfriend, my son, we went to first watch. I love first watch. And we just were eating lunch. And the director of operations happened to be there. And I was wearing our shirt with our faces on it. So he walked over to the table. He said, hey, man, I just looked you up. I read your shirt. I just looked you up. You guys, he's like, I'm 13 years clean and started talking to me about it. And he's like, we spoke. I had cards. So I was like, hey, here's a stack of cards, brother. Reach out. Love to have you on. So I'm like, you got a hell of a story. I didn't want to talk to him too much. He's surrounded by his employees. Right. But he was like, yeah, I actually, in the back right now, there's a lot of my staff for recovering addicts. Oh, I thought you were going to say he hired him back there, busting the line. I thought you were doing hard. You want to come party with us? That's why I'm out here talking to you because they're doing hot wheels. I can't be part of it. No, it was actually pretty awesome. That's awesome. Yeah, that's good. That's how I get a lot of the people that I work with with my nonprofit too. Just like the other day, I was in Pet's Mart. And I was like getting my rats and my little things. And I heard this later. I swear to God. One of those God moments, this lady, she's like looking at the reptiles with her kids. And the lady goes, man, I really have to find a reptile person to come to our school. And I was like, hi. I'm a reptile person and I go to schools. And she was like, what? And she was like, really? And I was like, yeah, I'm so sorry. I just overheard you saying that you needed a reptile person to come to your school. I was like, this is what I do. I showed her my Instagram. She was like, no way. I can't believe that. I was like, here I am. And I think that's how you know you're being a light is when people come and see you and they're like, hey, I saw your light and I needed it. And here's this. And I think the fact that you guys give people an opportunity to share, I mean, because that is such an important step of healing is to be honest with yourself about what happened to you. You all had missed Texas in here? Yeah. That's crazy. That's her story is pretty interesting. Talk about grooming. Yeah. She talked about it. She kind of got away from her drugs, much like your story. Kind of ended up kind of walking away from the drugs in there. But she was the first one that talked about being groomed. Yeah, that's where we learned. So Miss Elaine Mingus, she was awesome. That's crazy. Yeah. I'm not sure if you're going to have ADHD. What? Well, you're going to sign the wall here. I will not just sign the wall. Yeah, you know, you are signing the wall. Okay. And I think we've got a good episode here. We got to get you to work. Yeah, I do have to go to work. And yeah. Yeah. So let's get you out of here. We got to get some pictures and we got to get you to sign the wall. Thank you very much. How do people find you? Oh, I'm Radagast Reptiles on Instagram. How do you spell it? R-A-D-A-G-A-S-T Reptiles. Okay. On Instagram or... Yeah. Yeah. I'm working on a website right now. When it's up, it will be linked on my Instagram. So yeah. That's me. I thank you guys so much. Thank you. There's a lot of fun and a little sad. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on. We definitely want to have you back. Anytime. Anytime you need us for anything, let us know. We're happy to get you some shirts. We'll get your husband a shirt. We love a shirt. Yeah. He wears shirts. Yeah. That's cool. That's cool. He's a cool guy. He is a cool guy. Yeah. For wearing shirts. Yeah. Well, just like that, do addicts at the moron. See you guys later.