Two People in Our Friend Group Had an Affair

I Have a question about a friends group situation Basically last weekend found out that one of our good friends was having an affair with one of our other good friends I didn't sound like a close friend group. Yeah. Oh sweet Man Cuz why not right Jesus What Up what up, this is John the doctor John D'Alone who's show I'm so grateful that you've joined us Talking with Men and women and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and sons and daughters all over planet earth talking about your emotional health Your psychological health whatever's going on with your relationships. Whatever you got going on in your life I'll sit with you and we'll figure out the next right move If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1 844 693 32 91 or you can go to john d'aloney.com slash ask ask Scott to Omaha, Nebraska and talk to davis. Hey davis. What's up? Hey, john, uh It's a weird one of what I appreciate All that you've done since day one been listening and learned a lot but Have a question about a friends group situation and it's kind of troubling and haven't had this happen before but Basically last weekend found out that one of our good friends was having an affair with one of our other good friends Inside of things had like a close friend group Yes, oh sweet Man And why not really cheese always Correct and that kind of blew up old school style. Yes. I imagine so coming Coming home from a work trip and We've kind of suspected a few things were happening, but didn't really have any proof for a long time and earlier this month Sat down the guy and asked him point blank and You know tried to address it head on saying these are some of the things I'm hearing out in the public and you know lied to me, you know straight to my face and um That hurt and and now you know kind of picking sides choosing sides or how do we I mean navigate this going forward and he's kind of a public uh position um kind of in our smaller town of economic development and So this this dude hooked up with somebody else's wife and your friend group Yes, oh man of a different friend. Yeah, so I think I think first and foremost this friend group is over Right and trying to preserve what was is over and that's that's heartbreaking because you didn't do it Right somebody else threw a grenade inside your house, but you're the one in the front lawn and your house is now in rubble So that just is The second thing here is here's um And it might sound like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth So I'm thinking if I've I've got a tight knit group that goes back years. Okay If one of those buddies whether it was one of my women buddies one of my husband buddies If he came and was like, hey I need y'all to know like we've been ride or die for 20 or 30 years. I've been having an affair and Things are about to blow up and it's one y'all didn't know. I'd sit with I'd sit with that buddy I'd sit with him and say like I mean you can count on me and in the in the joke but not joke among all of our friends Well, like my closest male friends was if you ever blow your marriage up Um, your wife's can stay with us Right like she can come stay with us. I'll still be your friend, but just no we're gonna we're gonna so that's that's the kind of Always we've talked about it, but the idea is Um, I'll sit with my buddies when life happens to them even when they've been both the match and the gasoline Here's where that's different If one of my buddies slept with another one of my buddies wives that sense of intra Tribal betrayal would be something that I couldn't sit with you and you're gonna have to do this one by yourself Because I wouldn't trust you within the bounds of our tight-knit relationship. Does that make sense? Right Yeah, um, and I can see where that does it that kind of falls apart if you kind of pull that all the way out because If someone's going to violate their wife and they might violate you I get all that But there's just that to me there's a different layer of betrayal there And then you throw on top of that you sat down and looked another one of your close buddies. I'd I'd said hey man Here's what I'm hearing I'm that's you basically Extending an invitation. I think it's reconciling. This guy has walked away from who you are who y'all are And that's heartbreaking and I hate that for you Yes, um and Yeah, totally agree and that's what it was. It was an invitation And you know loved your analogy about the 9-11 You know building something new and I've shared that um but And kind of the other flip side of it is You know his wife and family said they're done. Maybe this wasn't the first time and You know the woman that he's been having this long affair with May not stay with him and they may even leave town and you know like You know nothing's happened and I think he's gonna I haven't even talked to him at all and we were very close and And I just don't know Kind of don't don't go chasing him to make yourself feel less worse Yeah, he walked away from you he he threw the he threw the grenade and then he took off down the street And if you chase him down to say whoa, man. Hey, you see what I'm saying there's a difference Um, definitely not chasing but also You know, he's trying to go from a distance that you know still involved with you know economic development and city council things that I don't know if he's trying to stick with that and it's it doesn't concern you Yeah, he's he took his story and he's writing it somewhere else and he's he's opted out of you being a part of that So I would tell you you don't get a vote into what he's trying to do If you don't want a guy with that kind of integrity running your town um You can vote against him you can run against him whatever but trying to figure out what's he trying to do What's his next move dude? I would stay completely away from that Okay, he showed you who he was not just that he blew his marriage up That happens and people give me a hard time for it doesn't just have it does it just happens And I'll sit with somebody if they pull the pin on a grenade and it blows up in their own lap I'll sit with you, dude We'll help figure it out if you throw it at me and my family and my and and the kid even beyond me I'm so hyper protective of my other friends and their spouses like if you blow up somebody else's life and This other person blows up like like dude Um, you've walked away now. He calls you back In six months and says I've blown up everything in my life and I'm at the end of my rope Um, will you come have coffee with me? I'd go Yeah, because that's I mean, but I don't know the the depths of your friendship But dude, I would even if his wife who's probably one of your close friends also if she starts calling you Hey, can you believe I would stay out of the I wouldn't say anything negative because you never know when people get back together And if you're like yeah, he sucks what she'll always remember in her heart what you said about her husband Yeah, right and vice versa. So I would stay out of it if she needs help um, I know I'm a christian guy the bible says be with widows and orphans and Those kids don't have a dad. They're not technically orphans. They don't have a dad So they can come to my house. I'll take him out to dinner that kind of thing But man, I'm not getting involved and he said she said and I'd probably tell her hey, I'm not I'm not a good place I'm too close to this. I'm not a play. I'm not a good place to talk about him or the situation You can always come stay at our house You can always come have him you and your and your kids can always come eat at our at our table Right, we'll grieve with you, but I'm not going to be a gossip meal with you And and that's and that's and she's got a lot of support which has been great and I guess I haven't thought about that piece of I know you've said it in the past of you know, not to trash him and even especially with kids So how do I shut down Other people, you know, if they're talking in a group and how horrible it is and other stuff keeps coming out I think you need to be a person of high integrity and leadership here Okay Because what's happening is is everyone um, there's some great work by dr. Richard back on disgust psychology But when somebody does a thing One of the things we like to do is to point out how gross the thing is And it could because it gives us distance and it gives us moral virtue instantaneously I may yell at my kids or I may watch too much pornography, but I'm not that right and suddenly I go up Two rungs on the moral ladder that I go around judging the world with Yeah, and there's nothing to say this guy blew his life up Hey blew up your friend group who blew up your family talking about it any further is a choose Is a choice to be miserable and it's a choice to falsely try to elevate yourself as to look who we're not What a waste of time, you know what I mean? So I think it's important to be like, hey when y'all around me We're not talking about this anymore. I'm not talking about this guy. Um, we're gonna not he's not going to be the The focal point of our conversation moving forward Wow, and you may get ostracized for that. So be it Yeah, correct And I guess the final final kicker this economic development group I've been part of it for the past 12 years since it started and president for so many years and just moved to past president And so I mean he's the executive director of that And I don't know how to navigate one. I can easily just resign and Have nothing to do with that program But what do you lose if you resign? Um Of the programs reputation Um getting the reputation's tarnished. It's it's got a person with no integrity. Who's the executive director? In a small town, right? It's not like you can it's not like you're in houston. You can hide this. It's just everyone's gonna know And I mean, that's not a fireable offense but Didn't know if there's anything worth talking to him about of Move on type thing. I think if you've drawn a line in your mind that says I won't be on this council with him No, maybe an integrist thing to do would be to take him out for coffee and say hey Here's the deal. I'm a long time friend of yours. So I'm coming to you direct face to face I can't work side by side with somebody that will lie to my face that will blow up our friend group that will like um Sleep with somebody else's wife and our friend group like I can't be a part of that I'm asking you to do something courageous and have integrity where you have in the past and I'm asking you to resign your position Yeah, you might tell you to go blank yourself like screw off. I'm not doing that Right and cool Then you can resign the next day if you've drawn that line that I'm not going to be associated with this guy because let me tell you what There will be other things that come out Yeah, there's a real famous ashley madison study where the two social psychologists studied it and basically a long story short, um Men and women who are business leaders and who have ripi have have demonstrative, um They cheat on their on their spouses They also have business a higher instance of Um business infractions ethical violations. Yeah Yeah, turns out you can't be a great guy in one place and a terrible guy in the other place It's just kind of this who you are Makes sense. Yeah so No, it definitely helps and uh kind of re-eater. It's a lot of what I was thinking and I tell you this though, brother You get to be sad Yeah, I hate this for you. I hate your buddy lied to your face. I hate your buddy slept with your other friend's wife I hate that she slept with her other friend's husband. I hate that you're all intertwined like this It's like the best parts of a small town are You'll eat together. You worship together. You'll work together You play together and then one person or two people blow up something You can't go to the movies can't go to the grocery store. You can't go to church can't go anywhere and I hate that for you correct Yeah, it is unreal um so But again, appreciate all that you've done through You know all the different podcasts that you've been on it's been awesome. You learned a lot and shared a lot I appreciate that one thing I'd recommend you do Is you and your wife go out and talk? Mm-hmm and put on the table um How do you feel about this? Do you have any questions that have come up? Because it wouldn't be weird for your wife to be like, hey, your best friend in the planet did this Are we okay? And it wouldn't be weird for you to think that about her It's always good to go out and when we have these life defining moments like, you know, you bury a parent and It's important for you and your spouse to go out and be like, hey, what do we want on our tombstone? What do we want our funeral to be like? What do we like about that or not? And those are hard but that's part of the processing is part of the healing and it's also part of the growth I think it's important for your marriage to go out you and your wife just just Shake up the snow globe a little bit reassess. Are we still good? Any questions you have for me from like not me? Can we just be sad together? This is wild. I can't believe this has happened in our town with our friend group because it kind of blows up what you know to be true and It's good that you and your wife re-establish yourself in firm footing before y'all just head off into the new world so man, I hate it for you, brother, but I appreciate you thinking through it with me and um And your willingness to call in is gonna help a lot of people navigating the same Yes, thanks for the call brother. We'll be right back I got three dogs inside my house right now Yes, it's chaotic, but I love my dogs and I also know how stressful it is when you're traveling with pets for the holidays You're gonna be on the road away from your regular vet and you're gonna need some sort of pet care What are you gonna do when you're on the road? 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They're a way to help your loved ones Relax and recharge in everyday luxury as always cozy earth products come with a hundred night sleep trial Try them out and if you don't love them you can return them hassle free But I am telling you you're not gonna want to head to cozy earth.com and use code deloni for up to 20% off your entire order That's cozy cozy cozy earth.com slash deloni use code deloni All right, let's go out to santa barbara california and talk to connor. What's up connor? Hey, how's it going john? I'm great brother. How are you? I'm doing all right. Very cool. What's up, man? Hey, um, so I've been uh, watching a lot of videos. Um, trying to you know, work on being a better partner in relationships recently Um, and you know, how can I can I can I interrupt you just right before you even get going? Yeah, totally. Um Are these videos helping? Because I've been wondering that lately I don't think so. I think it's mostly just mindless entertainment, but okay. Okay. All right, because I Thank you for saying that because I've been wondering like um, and There's calls that don't make air on my show. There's calls that like there's private conversations. I have over and over again But anyway, just wonder like someone's like, hey, how do I do this in x y and z with my spouse? And I'm like, have you asked them and they're like No, but I watched 40 videos. Anyway. All right. I'm just wondering. Thank you for sharing that Mindless entertainment. All right. That's cool. I'll go with that. All right. So what's up? Yeah so, um, I've heard this term love bomber being used a lot recently in the past couple months um And at first I kind of like wrote it off as like, oh, you know, people are just like regretting relationships that they've been in But I think like I've been looking more into it and I feel like I do Share a lot of traits with what some of these people describe as a love bomber um, and I'd like to learn how to better manage the pace of my relationship so that I can be more considerate um And be a better partner in that aspect So, uh, what do you think you're doing? What do you think you're doing wrong? so, um Over the past two years all of my relationships have been, you know, super super fast-paced um, like one to three months maximum um Some like sometimes like the milestone the relationship milestones come really quickly like within like a couple weeks or a week Relationship milestones. You mean you meet somebody you go out once you get kind of bananas you text a thousand times and then you're going steady Yeah, okay. Yeah, exactly. And then but it's like jet fuel and then it burns out in like three months. You don't like each other um, well so far it's um, like other than my first girlfriend um, who I was like absolutely obsessed with like to an unhealthy degree um, like the rest of them um I feel like they've still had feelings for me by the time that I break up with them um, and I try to be respectful about it um, sometimes it's uh, a little bit of a hectic situation. It's a little difficult to end things amicably, but um I don't think it's always even there's been like one or two where um, it's been um, pretty like easy going on both of our sides. Um Sometimes I feel like spineless in a way like I know that they want this and I you know, give them something that maybe I don't Truly feel all the way. I think sometimes I genuinely do feel that way and maybe like I've heard people talk about like pacing yourself Even if you do feel a certain way, you know, you still have to know that like you can't put your whole self out there um, immediately and It's it's hard to know like what what the right move is and to distinguish those feelings Okay, here's the thing if you look at the interaction with another person as a move Or if you look at the the interaction with the other with another person as a game to play You've already lost Right if you meet somebody and you like spending time with them That's awesome. Spent time with them if you meet somebody and you don't you don't it doesn't You don't hit it off, right? right Love bobbing is this idea that that somebody else is a performance for you Right, right? And so if you are going out with people and you are doing this big performance, you're like really going for it. You are um over the top you're like That can be really intoxicating for you. But the whole idea the whole thing you're rolling out for somebody else is for them to look at you It's not for them Right, and so if you need basically that makes you a vampire You're using somebody else in in what I would consider a vulnerable state a first date where they're asking Do you do you see me and do you like me and you're like, oh, do I like you? Right Um, that's predatory Mm-hmm, and so if that's what you're doing. Yeah, stop doing that And that might mean you got to put some brakes on it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing unless I'm missing something um Yeah, really the only the only there was like one time where I felt like pressured to like say something but for the most part, um like it's just it's hard to know like What is like like differentiating different feelings of good like is this feeding my ego or is this like genuinely like I really Like this person there's a mix of both and yeah, that's like post-modern mumbo jumbo. Just go out have fun, right? Right, and if you think you like them say I think I like you Mm-hmm, and if they're like, oh wow too fast. I don't like that then they're not the right person for you right And if they are then cool and if three weeks later you're like, hey, I I went way too fast and I'm sorry And you're gonna learn from that but trying to get all existential But I think we just are staying our heads too much treat people with dignity and respect Um, p.m. Melody has a really remarkable classic work called love addiction where people It sticks when we have doesn't another whether you get addicted to the thing or that thing gets you your addiction of choice which is alcohol or numbing but eight behaviors or sex or whatever But regardless people who are obsessed are addicted to user language with that first over the top like just nuclear reaction phase But as Arthur Brooks talks about there is a point when your body goes back below baseline And it doesn't feel super great and you get that tension like why haven't they called me back? Where are they and you start texting them 500 times? Is that weird back and forth? It feels painful um That you just have to tolerate it's just part of it. That's that's neurochemistry. It's just part of getting close to somebody Okay, it's not always it's not always, um Uh, wouldn't call it. It's not always cotton candy in fireworks Mm-hmm. It just kind of is What right how are you meeting these people? Um, so I have a hypothesis. Let's see if I'm right the last, um for Uh girls that I've met have all been in bars. Um, I've tried dating apps. Um, I haven't really been introduced to anybody like organically um, like through a common activity Other than bar hopping or karaoke or whatever Okay, so, um, if you if you stuck your hand in a in a paper sack and you got bit every time Mm-hmm. How long would you quit putting your hand in a paper sack because there's a snake in there biting you? Ideally the first time. Okay, so you've gone to bars four times. It's not working You've tried dating apps. That's not working Mm-hmm Um, is there other ways to try? Yeah, I'm sure there are I I would like to say that um the girl that I'm with right now um, I did meet her at a bar And I think you know, I tried really hard to like keep things going slowly at the beginning um, you know, we didn't uh do anything the first night that we met and uh, you know, we went for a long date the next day and um, you know, I've been talking with her for the past month and it's been um Oh more than talking but I She seems like somebody who's who I really do want to be like in that steady paste like consistent loving relationship with Okay, do that right Like like don't overthink it Yeah, it's got some boundaries for yourself. I'm not gonna be sexually active because I know how I get after I sleep with somebody I'm only gonna text you once a day Because I know how I get Right, um, we're gonna go out once a week or twice a week because when I go out seven times a week I get broke. I get frustrated and I start to get antsy Like I don't know what you're what what what your boundaries are I haven't really had any I know and it's and it's crashed and burned and by the way going back You can meet people in bars. That's amazing. That's great. It hasn't worked for you Yeah, no, I understand what you were saying. I didn't mean to yeah, man if you met somebody great Have you had this conversation with her? um we've had conversations about pacing and stuff and It in some ways it feel like the cat's already out of the bag like we've already You know said I love you and you know Um, yeah, that's pretty fast, dude Yeah And I mean it I do feel it Yeah, but love's not a feeling but I also get Actually keep burning things through Yeah, yeah Love is a choice that you make every single day that come what come I'll be right here. I won't move Okay, love is something you practice In fact, many of the greats uh for most of human history until recently um, love I mean love as in these sparkly um Romeo and Juliet nonsense um Was so untrustworthy because it's just fleeting. It's not real It's it's these little they're just cool shapes and clouds they go by And think about this to how insane this is our our our modern, um, the the pinnacle of love is his two teenagers That snuck away from their families Got secretly married just so they could sleep together and then had a murder suicide ending Right star cross lovers. It's such a charade. It's not real Mm-hmm. So you could say I love you but what you're really saying is I feel all all ugly googly right now Right you see what I'm saying because if you truly love somebody Then I'm gonna stand by you as your mom dies of cancer Mm-hmm, and I'm gonna stand by you and we have nothing And I'm gonna stand by you when you make um when I find somebody else like you're texting somebody else on your phone We're gonna figure it out Mm-hmm, and that that you see what I'm saying. That's it. It's a choice that you make every day. It's not chasing this This how do I feel and how do I feel and I don't know how I feel and I want to think about it And am I doing this and I it's a choice to wake up every day and for all of us I've I want to choose to exercise every day. All right. I got to put some boundaries in place I got to make some commitments and stick to them. I want to make X amount of dollars. All right This is gonna take this kind of work. I want to be this kind of dad and this kind of husband and this kind of family member Okay, I'm gonna have to make some choices same as I want to be this kind of person in this kind of relationship Then I got to set up some boundaries and you know that for you I wouldn't recommend anybody saying, uh, I love you in the first 30 days you meet somebody and then I mean it I mean, okay I wouldn't recommend anybody saying like uh, I was sleeping together in the first 30 days you meet somebody You're starting a chemical cascade. That's really tough to think clearly When you're stuck in that But all but here's the deal that ship has sailed for you guys Now the choice you have to make is can y'all be completely open and honest with each other as you walk this next path? What does that mean? I feel like we're going super super fast and I told you I loved you and I don't even know if I know what that means I just know it feels good when I'm around you That's honest. That's me putting it out there Um, I'm starting to feel different and weird, but I'm also feeling more connected to you Like it's it's a decision that we're not going to have secrets and we're just going to walk together I hope that helps ma'am My recommendation for you is check out that book by p.m. Melody if that helps we'll link to in the show notes. It's just a masterpiece But even deeper than that, um are in addition to that Stop overthinking things and do the next right thing And don't live in a world where you say I just can't help myself because you can't you 100% Whatever the thing is in front of you you can you just got to make some choices and put up some roadblocks and have some bountains Thanks for the call brother. 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That's thorne.com Slash the letter u slash deloni thorn supplements are the best All right, let's go out to lexington, kentucky and talk to allison Hey, allison, what's up? Good morning, my friend. How are you? I am dancing on the ceiling like lemma richie. What are you doing? Love it. I just got back from doing labs from the doctor and prayers at all are good Um, but the reason i'm calling is I had a liver transplant last july Um from 14 months post Um, are we holding up? I'm still in rejection. Thank you for asking. Um, I'm on three anti-rejection drugs Um, not waiting from any of them anytime soon hope in the next six months You know, but thank goodness for medicine. Yes, but can we exhale and say that's frustrating too? Oh, it's really hard. Yeah, that's real frustrating. I'm sorry I don't know everyone tells you you're supposed to be so grateful that you got a liver and blah blah blah, but it's also stings I Last year can kiss my butt. I can there you go. Yeah, I'm with y'all. No sister. All right Okay, so I went to florida um last month by myself and wrote a letter to To my donor I did three parts. So I did a letter directly to the donor I did so it's one letter combined into three the donor and the donor's family And then I totaled just a tiny bit about myself um the letter since I Called in the first time I have mailed the letter and I called my social worker this week and it is It has been they have received the letter. Okay So I guess it's kind of a two-part question of you know How you know what things could have better been done about the letter if anything And what how do I handle if I don't hear from them? There you go. That's what I was looking for Um, and I'm smiling with you. Okay right There's this sense Okay, tell me if I'm wrong. Okay Okay, and I love being wrong. So I hurt my feelings one bit Okay, I trust you but there's those frustrating nights when you're taking meds again And you're taking meds again, and there's those nights that you're not sleeping And there's those nights wondering is this one gonna ultimately have to be redone again That it's easy to go to Why why not me instead of him? Why did my donor survive and not myself? Yeah Yeah Oh, oh Survivors guilt can absolutely you can rot you that's right. There's no doubt about that. That's right. Yeah, and so sometimes we do kind things We write letters like that Because we're looking for the family to reach back out and tell us that it's okay And I don't think that I was the receiver You're looking for somebody else to make you feel okay that you have somebody else's heartbeat inside your chest Correct and that probably is not gonna come Oh You have to make peace inside your own chest that you have a reason and a purpose that you're here And that you're gonna continue to scratch and claw for this gnarly elusive thing called hope And you now have an obligation to go live because you got a you got around two and most of us don't Oh 100% And it's happy and sad. I know at the same time that you had your old self But basically I came home august 10th. I was in the hospital for four months Came home august 10th and I had to have I had to learn a whole new me my whole life. That's right. My whole life is like Who in the hell? Well, okay. Hello. Nice to meet you But also but also behind your eyes. You're still you And it's a weird juxtaposition, right Oh Yeah, confusing. It's there's the word Don't use the other family To try to unconfuse you That's not their job their job is to agree with you and what you've given them is one of the greatest gifts I think you could possibly give someone and that is the person that we loved who's past Their life had one more additional meaning And in some way they're continuing to go on And I got the chance and then you get the chance Hopefully you put in that letter or if they reach out to you. Hopefully There was something about so here's who I'm gonna become with round two I didn't go there. Okay. I tried to keep it. I tried to keep it Um As little about me as possible I get that but you have to see that in some ways the memory of the person they lost and you have been merged Oh, yes, because of this person, whoever he she might be Um, yeah, absolutely And so I've heard from veterans who say like who struggle with the why me when they're when their But he's got killed right next to him Mm-hmm that the greatest the greatest thing they can do every morning Is to get up and not recklessly that's the word I like to use but just recklessly go live I'm gonna say yes. I'm gonna start that business. I'm gonna go on the adventure. I'm gonna love Insanely, I'm gonna hug my kids extra. I'm not gonna scroll on instagram because life's too precious Correct. And so that now I'm gonna go live because I got two lives to live now And there's something really romantic about that and really like pretty Mesmerizing and exciting about that. It can also be really heavy and overwhelming when just living your life is tiring Correct, right. Yeah, but it's but it's not a bad tiring. No, it's just exhausting Hmm because you're always wondering if you're new if you're if you're There's got to come a point when you're so frustrated with your body like why you keep trying to kill me It's exhausting Yes, yes, so many complications. Yes And then the doctors come in with this miracle surgery And then your body's like You tell me that and when you can't trust your own heartbeat that's that's that's unmooring, right? Unmorning unmooring like it's you feel untethered Do you feel like you're at a boat out at sea with no motor, right? You're just floating out there. No, no, no lord No, no, I feel more anchored. Absolutely. So let's do this Tell tell all of us who are listening. Tell me Who are you gonna go be? I'm gonna be me What does that mean? I'm gonna I'm gonna be I'm gonna I am in the process of starting a new business Our daughter is getting married in the month Um, I'm gonna look forward to grandbabies down the road. I look forward to many more years with my husband Okay, so all those things are external You're hoping somebody gives you more years. You're hoping somebody gives you grandkids. You're so hoping somebody has a good event I want you to to paint me a picture with identity I'm gonna be that crazy grandma who out wrestles my four-year-old I'm gonna be that crazy grandma that shows up with googly eyed glasses And I take my grandkid out and we go to the to wherever and watch elephants at the zoo I'm gonna be that older wife that is so grody commody handsy with my husband Then I make everybody uncomfortable at the at the coffee shop Like you I'm gonna be that that mom that proud proud mama at my daughter's wedding who dances so much people think I want to be like her so you see what I'm saying like it's not You waiting for the world to hand you these other things. It's you saying no no no no I'm gonna go live my life on this world I feel like I'm definitely Stepping in that direction tell me what it is. Tell me who you're gonna be I am going to be a strong Independent happy boo boo who you gonna go be who you gonna go be? What about boo me? No, I'm just playing with you. Who you gonna go be because happy's a drug um strong independent is like a uh, it's uh I don't know it's something you read out of like readers digest from back in the day like like paint me a picture What kind of grandma are you gonna be? Present I like that. I like that Um available nurturing kind Yes Okay, what kind of mom are you gonna be as your daughter transitions to this new phase of her life? I am proud I am Um encouraged I am hopeful I am Uh, I'm tickle pink I guess okay You're it sounds like you're proud of your baby girl Oh in my son. Yes. He's just not there yet. And you're gonna make so you're gonna be the kind of mom who blesses her kids doesn't anchor her kids And so if you haven't already write your daughter a letter and tell her how much um How proud of her you are and be specific in it Tell her what you see in her that she might not be able to see with herself and send her and her new marriage and Send them off See what I'm saying like most kids are You see you know what I'm saying Yeah, well, I did like them one letter telling them to remind them to put their seatbelts on That's not the same one. That's that's that's that's that's like hey, can you all be 10 years old one more time? Okay, what kind of wife are you gonna be in this new phase? Well, I um I hope to have more You know adventure not so much trips, but just You know not things you really want to talk about on the radio, but you know, you want oh, yeah Okay, so here's the thing like I want you to spend some time with that question. Who am I gonna be? What kind of wife am I gonna be? What kind of woman am I gonna be? What kind of grandmother am I gonna be? What kind of community member am I gonna be and then The goals are gonna reverse engineer out of that I Want to be that kind of wife that is just Like I've got the best marriage and me and my husband are best laughing hilarious goofball friends Or we're not we're just not goofy people like that. We are Sit by the um by each other on the couch And drink coffee and read the newspaper because we're so cool. We still get the newspaper like whatever it is But I want you all I want you to spend some time And all this goes back to that letter that you wrote that family they may reach out to you and say thank you so much It may be too painful for them And that's okay What's important is you not waiting for them to make you feel okay because it's probably not gonna come More more likely. I want you to begin to say okay Well, my body continues to to fight this This other organ in my body until it finally makes peace that we're gonna live Here's who I'm gonna be And not with a bunch of adjectives that you stitch stitch on pillows or cute little sayings, but like very specific I'm gonna be the kind of grandma who who's present cool So Anytime I have a grand kid in the room. No phones. They're gone. They're gone I'm gonna be the kind of mom that is so proud of my daughter and she's gonna know it We're gonna we're gonna reverse engineer. That's all of this is about you got two people to live for now This person who gave you a second shot in you And that's an amazing gift But that that Vitality is gonna come from the inside out. It's gonna be a choice you make to go take on the world Not that you hope the world will give to you I wish you the absolute absolute absolute best in these upcoming adventures, allison and I'm gonna be honest I'm glad that you're with us The last person I want you to write a letter to is allison Write a letter to five years from now allison And tell her thank you for the things you started doing right now So that five years from now allison could become the woman mom grandma mother wife, whatever That you want a business owner that you want her to be I'm glad you're still with us and I'll keep talking to you year after year after year. We'll be right back This time of year we're giving away our time our money and sometimes without meaning to We're giving away something way more personal our personal data And this is why I use and recommend delete me I like a good deal as much as the next guy But I want you to remember that every email click every newsletter sign up you do this holiday season Is yet another piece of your personal life that you're handing to someone else and that information often Doesn't stay with them Shady data brokers grab it bundle it and sell it your name your phone number your address All of it's floating around out there in some digital wilderness And that's how you end up with all those spam calls and weird texts that make you feel like someone's watching over your shoulder And checking out your digital life If you want to take back your privacy and your peace you need delete me They're like a digital cleaning crew. They find your information on these data broker sites They get it removed and they keep it gone piece does not just come from turning off notifications It comes from knowing your data is not for sale And right now you can get 20 off your annual plan when you go to join delete me dot com slash deloni That's join j o i in join delete me dot com slash deloni All right, we're back kelly. Am I the problem or you? All right, this is from shelly in pennsylvania An elderly male relative in his early 80s Took a liking to my daughter who's in her early 20s. Let me finish reading. Okay After his wife of many many years passed away in 2020. So the daughter's in her early 20s My daughter had been the had has been kind and talked with him on occasion because she knew he was lonely She has absolutely no romantic interest in him whatsoever He asked her to go to lunch with him And out of the goodness of her heart. She said yes He took it to mean that she was interested in him She was just going to be kind to a relative He called his daughter and told her that he had a girlfriend at church And then his daughter called my husband And stepped and then the husband stepped in and he talked to the man and said a relationship with our daughter was impossible because one he's a relative Sorry, john. I hope y'all can see john right now. He's struggling To the age difference and three our daughter wasn't interested in him romantically The elder elderly man talked to another one of our daughters yesterday and told her to tell Her sister that he still has feelings for her According to the elderly man's son. He blames us for stopping their relationship Are we the problem should we have stayed out of it and let our daughter handle it on her own? So clearly they don't think anything should have happened, but they're wondering should they have let her handle it Because she is an adult There you go Kelly we're doomed Just as as a society. I don't think we're gonna make it I can come at it from a little bit different direction Yes, they should have let her handle it. Yes, and she didn't right She was being sweet and being kind correct. Um An 80 year old widow is probably benign and he's probably insanely lonely Yes, and So I don't like I don't see a risk or anything like that here other than breaking an old man's heart um I don't ever want my daughter to feel like she Has to quote unquote kindness of her own heart is going to go lead on an elderly man Or it's going to go have lunch with some older man like I don't So there's some parenting gap there somewhere that I don't know like I don't know. Um, but that's not what the purpose of this is I don't know that there's a problem here I think there's just an 80 year old man and everyone's trying to be nice and nice and nice and I don't really care what his son thinks I could care less what his son thinks I could care less with anybody. I could care less what he thinks Um, and here's the other that's just we're gonna get gross. Let's get gross If they're 20 whatever how old was her daughter 25? She just said early 20s Her they're 25 year old daughter wants an eight dated 80 year old man. There's not a thing you can do about But she doesn't she doesn't so she needs to tell him right and it's a relative Lots of lots of things here. Well, I was gonna leave jerry springer out of this But here we are let's we shut up we joke. Can you get like a jerry? Just just have a button that you can start pushing um Yeah, and there's also Sick so gross it's a relative I wonder If there's any sort of is there any dementia on this man's man's part and many he's he's in a no I think they would have included that I think just gross I think just gross I think maybe just lonely and bad decisions and gross And gross because here's the other thing um When my daughter is 20 I'm trying to do the math real quick. My dad will be in his 80s His brothers will be in their late 80s my uncles and No No, no No on any on any front and I hope that My daughter would go have lunch with her great uncles and not have to worry about getting hit on And that my daughter would go out and have adventures with their great uncles um Because they're my great my uncle my my uncles her great uncles are hilarious men That I would love for my daughter in 20 to just be that young 20 beautiful like hanging out with her crazy great uncles That'd be hilarious, but she needs to be able to do that and not worry about Yeah All across the board here so I don't even know what to say Are they the problem? No, but yet. I don't know. What do you think is there a problem here other than there's an old gross man I don't think there's a problem and that's why I wonder if there's some form of dementia starting or something because if Like had he ever displayed any of this kind of behavior before I don't know and it doesn't sound like it So maybe there is something happening But let me throw this in If one of my uncles is trying to hit on my daughter. I'm stepping in that's different than a then like a stranger Right. I think the father was totally in line to say and probably politely say hey, this isn't gonna happen. Gross. Yeah Gross gross. So I don't think anybody's at fault And this show just ended weird kelly I guess it started weird too It's just such as the show america We'll see you next time Be nice to each other