MBMBaM 800: Platonic Soapbox Sex Coffin

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed It's ripened into a precious friendship I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life, it feels like My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you My life, ah, it's better with you Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tiberius McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your mentalist brother, Travis Big Dog, Vroom Vroom, The Rocket McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, Griffin McElroy, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, fastball. Guys, it's episode 800, and I've got a big announcement. I'm excited because we've got a real showstopper planned for it. We've been buzzing for months about the big 8-00. The big 8-0-0 that we realized a long time before now. Like October, we've started churning. Long time. We started generating ideas on big 8-0-0. The numbers move sequentially, right? And we knew we were doing like 795, 796. So we definitely knew it was coming. And the fact that we are always doing about 19 things at the same time did not stop us from remembering to recognize this important podcasting achievement. The 800 episode. Yeah, the 800. This is our 16th year doing it, and we're at 800, which is a pretty good hit rate. That's not bad, dude. I mean, that's 50 episodes a year. I feel pretty good about that. A little pat on the back for us working 50 hours a year. I think that's good stuff, guys. Hey, sometimes you go like an hour 15. Sure. Yeah. That's true. But I've got a big announcement. I didn't think I would be so nervous, but to celebrate episode 800. Yeah, man. I'm going to do a face reveal. I think it's time. Yeah, right, Trav. The digital mask you wear is such a big part of your identity. It's on all the merch and stuff. You can't take it off. You can't not be the goober man anymore. I know. The famous mask. But I've been working with a face therapist. to help me, you know, recognize myself outside of the Gooberman mask. Are we going to see the Gooberman again after this? Or does this face reveal mean, like, the Gooberman is dead and gone? I think the Gooberman will always be there on some level, you know what I mean? We're never seeing the Gooberman again. You don't know that. Don't say that. I do know that. I've seen these things happen before in the past. Once people get a taste of people knowing what their face looks like, they get... They love it. The worry was addicted to face guys. I was starting to be more de Goober man outside of like stuff than I wasn't. You know what I mean? There'd be times when I'd be sitting at dinner and like my children would call me Mr. McElroy. Yeah. And I'd be like, no, it's de Goober man, please. Yeah. You know? And then I was like, whoa, this has gone too deep. No, I mean, when you showed up for Christmas and you came in the door and you were all hunched over and you kept yelling pee pee patrol. I was like, man, can we get one break from Dagooberman? Like, I miss Travis. Or Dagoob, as he can't say it. Dagoob, like, yeah. Please your family, it's Dagoob. It's Dagoob. And it's like, all right, can I call you Travis though, or Mr. McReeve? No, no, he wanted to be Dagooberman only. Dagoob me, bro, I would say, you know. All right, well, let's, enough fucking, enough preamble. Yeah, dude. PP Patrol's over. Killed Dagooberman. Let's see this bad boy. That's my face. So my first, I guess my first and my initial reaction. My initial reaction, Travis. The class is prescription, I guess. First of all, before we get into it, our reaction, how do you feel right now, Travis? About your face. This must be a vulnerable moment for you. I want to make space. I feel very exposed, but I feel like I imagine other people. Sorry, can you move the mic? Because I'm not seeing the bottom. I'm not getting full. Project into it because I do need to hear. I thought it would be a similar color. The feeling of people jumping into a cold lake, which I've never done and will never do, where it's like, I feel alive. That's kind of the feeling I'm having now. Although I am seeing myself now for the first time and realizing how much of my facial hair is gray and white, but not the mustache, which is like a dirty blonde. So this is a face reveal to you as well. Yeah, I've never looked. Oh my God. Yeah, I've never looked at it. Why are my glasses purple? I assumed, Trav. I endorse. I know. We assumed that when we weren't doing the show, you didn't wear the Goober mask. But it sounds like you haven't seen your actual face flesh in quite some time. No, well, what happened was, Griffin, these musketeers showed up. Move your mic back up, I can barely hear you. These musketeers showed up to where my evil twin brother had locked me in the Goober mask and rescued me from the French prison that I was in to take my rifle place as Travis and free me from Dagoober Mask. Okay. So that's the plot of Demand and Dagoober Mask is what you've just done. Yeah. Leo Caps was in that. Leo Caps was in that. He played Fartanian. And he was good. Who was... What's that? That was Robin. Are you telling me Man of the Iron Mask is secretly a Three Musketeers joint? Yeah, they trick you. They don't tell you that. That's cool. Yeah, it's like when you saw 10 Cloverfield Lane and you're like, wait, this is part of the Cloverfield vert. Like, it's that moment where it's like, oh shit, it's bigger now. So what do you guys think of my face? Yeah. Sorry, fact of your face. Yeah, if you could rank it like on a scale of 1 to 10, where would you put it? What am I... Well, let's agree, third. Like, if we're ranking third, the face. Third, oh yeah. Third. The score is gonna be great. The score's gonna be great. It will be the third lowest score on the on the list. And we didn't do that, Trav. We didn't do the list. This date is coming in real time. I've got my road dog, Nate Silver, sitting right by me. He's pulling in the polling data. On the big board. Live. He's interpreting it. Where was the goober man on that list? He was also last, but way lower score because his mask, his face was bad. His face was bad. Yeah. Like objectively pretty bad face. But I'm above him, right? I like it. I like that face. That's Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life. I always thought that was a weird way to start that movie. When they're like, here's the guy whose life you're going to be saving. And he's like, I like his face. Will I be wearing his face, Lord? No. No, Clarence. No. I want to take his face. Joseph, I told you he was going to do this. I told you he was going to be weird. I think I'd like to make love to that pretty wife of his. No, Clarence, you can't actually. You can't do that. I'm going to take his face. Oh. Mrs. Bailey, would you like another flaming run punch? Please, just let us go. Every time an angel nuts a bell rings. And then someone- Wait, oh, so it's the other way around. It's a transitive property, yes. Because normally when the bell rings, an angel gets its wings. That's horrifying. I like that face. Anyway, what were we talking, oh yeah, Trav. Eight and a half. You get a solid, a solid IGN eight and a half. So wait, where does that put your, if you're ranking, if your score is above mine, what would you give your own face? Juice and I are neck and neck in a way where any type, we're not comparing necks, Griffin. Look at the comments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at the comments. Juice is, Juice is the prettiest McElroy right now. I think the comments all agree. And that's not like, I'm not, you know, I'm doing. That's a lighting thing, though, mainly. It's a lighting thing, but it's a, I mean, gosh, Juice. You have managed to harness. I don't want to do this. Beautiful skin. You look great. I just want to tell you that. Supple. Okay. Here's a question for you. You don't want to talk about how handsome you are. That's great. You're a handsome man. Can Travis and I talk about how handsome you are? If I wasn't related to you. We're getting to a place where, no, I don't want to, but I will say this. Dear brothers, my wife and I are at a concert for our anniversary. We're standing near the stage and will be until the concert is over so we don't lose our place. How? How? How? Sidebar. How? How's everyone doing this? How are you guys doing this without bathrooms? How do you piss and shit? That's crazy. The choice spot for me is stage visibility plus pathway to bathroom. Balcony. Plus pathway to refreshments. Sitting down? I need to triangulate that. If I'm at a concert, by the way, and I'm sitting down and everybody gets in the moment and starts to stand up, I've never felt more betrayed than that moment. No, guys, but we all I thought we all paid for this. Now, when we fire up the old Turin machine again, it pays off to get close. The Turin machine. The Turin machine, yes. Yeah, when we all take the Turin. So, with three kids, date nights are rare. So, we asked the woman standing behind us to take our picture to commemorate the occasion. We just looked at the picture and it's maybe the worst picture of us ever taken. Zoomed out to .5, bad lighting, bad angle, the works. She took many pictures and they're all terrible. we'll be standing by her for the next several hours how do we get someone else to take our picture without alerting her to the fact that she did a horrible job and that's from concert pit conundrum i have an early thought go ahead untested by logic please i could just yeah get it out quick before logic catches up to it before logic catches up if you befriend this woman that's your best option because if you get in good enough with her that you could be like this is too good I gotta remember I gotta remember this stand with me and Janine over there yeah stand with us yeah I want to get a picture with you not so close yeah it'll be like a funny one where there's like a gap in the middle that we can photoshop someone in yeah but we're gonna have this jabroni over here take our picture 0.5 is such a nasty trick 0.5 is always like I'd love to get more of the scene in this picture and then you take the picture and you look at it a month later You're like, this looks like shit. Why did I put my kids in this weird fisheye, Beastie Boys music video angle? This doesn't look good at all. They should know better just from that alone. Yeah, I can't stand it. I think you should just ask somebody else because she blew it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I think that maybe this is some constructive feedback via social interaction that needs to happen of like, hey, your photography skills are shit and you're gonna pick up on that. Go ahead. Go ahead, comedy man. say that say that no i'm not saying that i'm saying if you ask somebody else and made the other person watch say what pay attention learn watch this watch what i do this watch it you ever see a grown woman crack watch this i don't i'm not saying that there should be a mandatory test that people have to take once a decade where they demonstrate basic sort of photographic. Sorry, did you say to vote? To vote. Okay. Yeah, this is my weird soapbox I'm going to stand on. No. Well, okay, so if we wanted to tie voting responsibility to this thing, it's maybe not the worst idea in the world. In order to vote, you do need to take a once a decade mandatory 30 minute online free photographing class. Myers-Briggs. Oh, wait. no like photography photographing class this is the base skill that we need to understand you know what Griffin honestly I want to like argue with you I want to argue with you but like documenting through photography yeah there's a vocabulary there that a lot of people lack that's a good point we're a five minute society a five minute YouTube video about the rule of thirds will change your life five minute YouTube video the rule of thirds you're set man you really I don't remember anything else from my college photography classes that I took for journalism school. I don't remember fucking- Golden ratio? Who gives a shit? No one uses that. Rule of thirds though. Oh, that one's a good one. That's the best and only one that you really need. It tells you exactly how much headspace to give them, exactly how to crop it. Do you guys have, I have a similar thing to derail this a little bit of like I took a film studies class and I remember one thing and it's about the 180 rule of like people walking across the street. Oh yeah. and it's that thing that I pull out when I'm watching a movie and I'm like yeah I really like the way they broke that yeah I love that shit yeah they broke that to show how discordant this is I don't think I have gotten someone a stranger to take a picture of me and Rachel I mean since we have kids our journey you just make your kids do it our kids yeah god that's oh that's good BB does it BB's incredible at it yeah and BB knows she's good at it She's like, you two get together, let me take a picture of you. I'm like, okay. God, I love that for her. God, that's so good. That will serve her so, so well. She like doing angles and having us pose in waves and I like okay thank you We Rachel and I are both blessed with pretty long arms and now knowledge that when you press the volume up or down button it does the shutter in photo mode. With those two things equipped, you can really get some pretty phenomenal pictures of yourself. Have you guys ever been in a scenario where a stranger has volunteered? Like, I was on a family trip. I was making a selection of selfies to build into an album of, like here's selfies exactly the same of all the places the four of us have been cool and a stranger saw this and was like do you want me to take your picture and it's so hard to go no no i don't want that actually yeah i would rather you didn't because i've got a i've got like a choice thing going here and i don't know you and one i'm handing you my you're asking me to hand you my phone i know a scam when i see one people get so mad when they see selfie sticks out in the world but it's like have you done your once a decade photographing class that's online and free I think so I think you need to exercise your civic responsibility and vote and by the transitive property also take this online free mandatory photographing class that teaches you about the rule of thirds and that the volume buttons do the shutter depending on the show there could be a moment like if you're at a Lou Bega show and you wait until he does Mambo number 5 the other person is going to be so in it it's going to be ripping it's all going to be joy it's all going to be pleasure your wife's name is Monica Angela Rita and that's like when that comes up in Mambo No. 5 you want to capture that exact moment I bet that's confusing he actually wrote that lyric as part of a cameo for your wife I bet that's so confusing if you're at your first Lubega show and you somehow miss Mambo No. 5 and your name is Monica Angela Rita and you're like is he calling me on stage yeah am I supposed to go that's such a threadbare no I like it I like the idea of Lou Vega having a one less lonely girl call up where he's like alright ladies every time he gets on stage he's like finishes Mambo number four and he's like you know what the fuck's coming he's like you know the rules ladies if your name is Angela Monica Rita those are the only fucking three names I can remember there's like 14 names in that god damn Sandra. Sandra. Citra. Citra. Yennefer. Phoebe. Chandler. Lubega. Lubega. He says his own name. He says Lubega. He says his own name a few times. Yeah. And when things are not going great, Lubega. Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou. I had my own for a month. It was Lou. Just Lou for a month. I broke my ankle and it was just Lou. Sandra stopped by but nothing got going Nothing got going Thought it would be Sandra But Sandra wasn't feeling the leg thing There's just a lot of losing In the spreadsheet I've built here It's just a lot of losing Oh no So Yeah there should be mandatory photography classes And just do selfies That's it how about another question sure my husband just finished building a sauna room in our basement it is awesome and we would love to share the experience with friends the problem is the room is very small about four foot by seven foot half of which is taken up by the bench i would argue that's fairly a pretty good size for a sauna actually i don't think it's that small we don't want to fuck our friends not that there's anything wrong with that so is there a non-weird way to That's a big blanket statement, by the way. Any of them? Sorry, go on. Yeah, just like, listen. But that's not where they're at, okay? They want to invite people to this small hot room in their basement without making it like a sex thing. Yeah. That's from Sweaty and Suburbia. Now, the thing I do want to say before we get into it is that as someone who has been on the other side of this equation, I would like you to please be gentle with your husband when you're describing the size of the sauna. Because he worked very hard on it. And he probably knows it's not the biggest sauna in the world. So if you start talking about how hard it is to get a lot of people in the sauna, that could be very hurtful for him. okay i once made a deck in my backyard and it was and because of the size of the area that i was trying to account for it was a very small deck and some people think that my deck is kind of pointless it's so small there's no there's no reason for me to have the deck but i didn't say anything about your deck did i i'm proud of no well did i talk shit about i genuinely don't remember if i talked words not with words okay but i'm just saying that like please find a delicate way of having these conversations, maybe stick to words like intimate or, no, that doesn't really help your case though, does it? No, that doesn't make it worse. Coming to our intimate 28 square foot chamber. Tiny, intimate, hot, romantic, hot coffin. Nude. Hot coffin. Hot coffin. Our platonic hot coffin. Our platonic soapbox sex coffin. You know, it may feel weird because it is weird, friend i don't know you know it's like i don't know it just it may just like get weird is the thing because like some of it is not huh some of it is not about the hang-ups and some of it is not about the the things that you've been taught about saunas yeah some of it is about the reality of it you're gonna get in there and it is gonna be like well what do we do now yeah that is gonna yeah listen as a man who's let's say lived with adhd his entire life anything that um involves and then we just exist in this moment. Yeah, that's right. You gotta have an activity. You gotta have a little game. You gotta have something. Gotta have something. You gotta have something. A little game or a little game. Like if you're gonna like- A little game or a little game. One of those two for sure. You know, like whatever, but you don't want that. You don't want the second one, which is fine. Here's the- Like what else are you doing in there? I guess is my question. It's gonna be boring. You get a crab boil going while you're in there. You're steaming yourself. You're steaming some crab. You know what I mean? That's pretty cool, actually. I like that. Put them right on the coals. What about this? What if you make a big deal talking to your friends about how you recently found out that you shouldn't do any sex stuff in saunas? Yeah. Like, it's actually dangerous because the heat could kill you. So, like, if you go into a sauna and it can't be at all romantic or sexy because you could die from that. here can we actually we could provide them a service just like pretend like you're turning on the radio and then but like play the next like 20 seconds of this show oh that's good we'll put in like a news stinger we'll give you some I'll do the ads coming back half price half price half price half price shoes what a specific reference the stinger is going to play here the news we'll get a real no we have like That's round ball rock. So that's John Tesh's round ball rock. They're not going to play that before the news. Okay, I got it. Down at the round house. When life is me so down. Rachel and the show can put music, like a real stinger in here. Oh, okay. So here we go. So don't start it yet. Start it in like a few. Once we get it together. Trav, you're going to get us content struck for the theme song. I'm going to do an ad and then we'll come back. Okay. Tudor's biscuit world is just like coming home and this is where the stinger goes welcome back to Turbo News this is Chet Flang and today we have a special report coming out of the industry of recreational health saunas if you do sex stuff If some of the jizz gets on the stones, it'll kill you graveyard dead. That's from our lead researcher. Yes, hello. That's me, the lead researcher, Dr. Hiss Steedman. Listen, we've studied countless couples in sauna, so many of them dead. We have so much blood on our hands. And you know what? We take full responsibility for that, for the good of the people. Don't sex in sauna. Yes, my name's Victoria Beckham. We've got a call in? My name is Victoria Beckham. I'm from Nitro, West Virginia. I lost my husband, Daryl. He just stole one of the stones, and then his face got all purple. Now he lives up in Jesus with my brother, Simpleton. So you heard it here, you four. Don't. Oh, wait, hold on. Dr. Steeman, a clarifying question. What if they promise really hard not to get any jizz on the hot rocks? Any jizz in the air, jizz particles can still cause the problem. What if they just do a little, it says here hanky-panky, but don't finish. Even pre-jizz can cause, free-form jizz can cause the problem. My Darrow was just shooting chalk dust out of there and he still manages to kill himself. Okay, Dr. Steeman, I need you to take a break, and I want to hear more from Victoria. You're saying that dust came out of your husband's penis after completion. It looked like one of those parallel bar gymnasts was about to do their thing. Just a big plume of dust up in the air, and then it landed on the rocks. And that was enough to kill him. Graveyard dead. The particulate. Okay, so what would you say, Ms. Beckham, to any quartet of two married couples who are maybe thinking about getting into a sauna and doing anything that might lead to any sort of discharge. Just keep it all normal. Just keep it normal. Talk about friends, marathons. Talk about chips you like. Just be normal in there. Please don't. If anybody gives anybody that even looks like an eye or kind of a huh, or they try to bring up La Seduction that they were watching on HBO or anything like that, you get the hell out of there. What's that show, Ms. Beckham? It's sort of an adaptation of Dangerous Liaisons. Sorry, are you thinking of cruel intentions? Daryl brought it up because he thought he could bridge. Daryl brought it up because we've been watching it on HBO Max. I don't like things with subtitles. Wait, when did Daryl die? What? Did Daryl die quite recently? Hey, buddy. Two weeks ago was the co-flies of memory, sir. I'm the anchor here. You don't ask the questions, Dr. Steeman. and stay in your fucking room. I'm just trying to figure out if Victoria's single or not, you know what I mean? Have you had time to grieve? I'm allowed to ask questions about other people's sort of... You got time to grieve, you got time to clean. That's what my boss used to say. That's horrible. That's really, Victoria. It's the worst job I ever had. Where was it? Put this place on blast. I'm there right now. I'm there now. It's at this Hardee's. Victoria, are you on the phone? I told you! This is my break! Oh, she says I get a break If you have time to go on a break You got time to clean So it sounds like he thinks this Sorry, can you put that guy on the phone? Victoria, let's talk to your boss Hey, it's me, Tom Hardy So Tom Hardy, I just want to check on something really quick If you're not Is your suggestion that Anytime you're not cleaning Is you have time to be cleaning during that? Yeah Even during cleaning if you have time to clean, you got time to clean more. That's great. Why are you so interested in that? Like, people need time to, you know. Sin is everywhere. Okay. And that's all the time that we have for this evening. For Real News, I've been Victoria Beckham. Wait, hold on. I've been Terry Gross. No, who am I? Hold on, wait, who am I? Wait, you were the anchor. Why did you become? It took so long that she actually got a job. as a co-anker because she's single. Oh, wow. Yeah, and she changed her voice. Okay, but this was Turbo News. A gun to my head. We'll get it. A gun to my head, $200 held out in front of me. Could not remember the name of the guy. I think it was Slang Johnson. That was a long run, guys. I am exhausted. Well, get yourself together, Griffin, because it's time for us to go earn our, do our real job. We're going to go to the money zone. I've decided to do a fun thing for this money zone. It's thematic. I thought we could do a thematic money zone. Agreeing ahead of time, too, on the parameters. That's always fun. Picture a place that is square. Yeah. Yeah. Do you see it? Yeah. Now picture your dreams there. Okay. Picture your goals. Picture your future. How big is the square? Depends on the size of the monitor or handheld device upon which you're viewing it. Because I'm talking about square space, baby. Okay. It's a square space where you can put your ideas. Justin's got a little square there he's showing us. Show me your square juice. Whoa, David Bowie, where'd you get that shit from? It's like a little plastic square. That's cool. I need you to sell your fish food. I want you to list your calendar appointments for me on the web. I have designers who made templates like this for you Reach out and grab them and then sell fish food online This is a wild ride guys Does it have to be just fish food, David? You can do anything. You can blog about your dad. You can post your pictures of Regis Philbin. Whatever you want to do in your square. I've made the entire world for you In crystal for your brother Just give me your brother And I'll let you make a fish I want to be clear here Squarespace is great We've used it a lot to make a lot of beautiful websites That make us seem more professional than we are I don't remember receiving a crystal At any point in the transaction Did you give your brother? So, no But they didn't ask Is that like you have to type in in the coupon code field like um you have to type in the coupon code field i submit my brother to the goblin king yeah and then he gives you a crystal and he will give you a crystal and that is like i will say it's a lot harder than it's easier than squarespace in a sense because like you just say the one thing and then the goblin king pretty much takes it from there yeah but in another sense it's harder because it's not necessarily going to be the website that you want it is going to be you know what i mean and it might change the dynamic of your podcast if you give away one 100%. Such a good point, Travis. The Goblin King will trade your brother for a website, but is it going to have all the, are you going to be able to sell stuff? You know what I mean? No, because it's in a little crystalline square in your hand. No one's going to get on there, man. Do they have good Wi-Fi in the labyrinth? Will the brothers still be able to podcast from there? They don't know. I mean, these are the questions that the Goblin King Jareth isn't willing to answer, but Squarespace is. We need to get the Goblin King Jareth on Turbo News. They'll get to the heart of this with their hard-hated questions. Head to squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I have been rocked. Can I do my thematic thing? Oh, yeah. I didn't realize you had something to tie it together. I forgot, Trav. You do the second part. Picture a square. Are you picturing a square? Yes That you can put your adventures on That you can put your loved ones on That you can fill with memories I'm pretty sure that it's rectangular Do you want this picture of your brother? Okay This picture of you and your grandmother at Six Flags Alright For this gem, give me your brother And I will give you a gem that will show you pictures of your family Okay, we could also just use Aura Frames instead of trading me for a picture of me on a little gym. I'm just saying Aura Frames does this way, way better. It means the world to me, Griffin, that you defaulted to Justin would trade you and not me. That means a lot to me. I think I'd be the easiest to trade. Why? Why? Why do you think that? What makes you say so? I don't know. Smaller. Smaller, more compact. I don't actually. Easier to get in a trunk. Yeah. Probably. That's true. Jareth would have an easier time getting me up into the air on his broom than he would you. And that's not saying that you're not, you're just like sort of built, you know? And I'm scrappier. I think you might fight it for a minute and then you'd be like, okay. No, Jareth could absolutely beat my ass. I've also seen Jareth like holding court with all the goblins. And like the one thing I don't think that cat wants is somebody else pulling focus. Yeah. He seems to really enjoy just holding core here. So anyway, Aura frames. Yeah. Aura frames is amazing. Gang, these are quality digital picture frames. And what I really appreciate about them is that it's so easy to manage the photos on them. Instead of letting your photos just disintegrate in a group chat or some online group somewhere, instead of all that, why don't you put them in a beautiful Aura frame? you just download the AuraFrame Zap, you can zap-zop any of your pictures to the frames you've connected to. Get one for Grampy. Then do the app and then you can put pictures on it so Grampy doesn't have to. You can get the fun experience I have where I have the AuraFrame and anytime a picture comes up before Dot was born, she starts to make plans of when we're going to go back to that place and recreate the photo with her in it. That's awesome, Travis. God, that's good. Your children are so powerful. Charlie's watching TV, and a baby photo of hers popped up in the aura. And I was looking at it, and I said, she wasn't even really listening. I said, gosh, you remind me of the babe. And she said, what babe? And I said, the babe in the photo. She said, what photo? Oh, man, you're so close. The photo on aura. But then it fell apart, didn't it? Then it fell apart. You said it was actually you saying it. You gave me the, it was you saying it. Oh, was it? It actually ruined it. Because I had a really good, good one, good ending. and you actually oh I thought you were telling an actual story sorry I thought you were telling a real story of a thing that really really happened between you and Charlie and it almost organically became the bit from Labyrinth but you're saying no it was almost there and I just couldn't I couldn't stick it honestly Griffin I couldn't I couldn't do it yeah so Aura Frames is great and we've I think at this point all of us have given them out they're great gifts great gifts they're also nice to have around the home we have one down in our living room and it's always nice it reminds me of my house when my house wasn't blanketed. What house? The house with the flower. Name number one by Wirecutter. You can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com. For a limited time, listeners can get $35 off their best-selling Carver Matte frame with code MYBROTHER. That's A-U-R-A frames.com, promo code MYBROTHER. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. We're winning that fucking... We're winning that iHeartRadio. That's what I was going to say. We'll just clip that. Yeah. Submit that. That's the one. That will take up a large. I bet they typically will play the entire ad at the ceremony, but not this time. No, no, not with this. They'll play it at like 1.75 speed like everyone else does. Yeah, sure. Howdy there. So sorry to interrupt whatever amazing show you were listening to, but it's time for an ad. I'll be so quick and get back to your show. Don't worry. I'm host Austin. One half of a podcast called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries that I make with my good friend Brenda. We talk about the pop culture stuff you like. like Thundercats and Yu-Gi-Oh! Did you know that the Thundercats are cousins of Farrah Fawcett? Or that Yu-Gi-Oh! Once caused a riot? You probably want to know more. You can find us at Maximum Fun or wherever you get podcasts. Every single Tuesday. The wizards answer 8 by 8. The cornclaves call to demonstrate their arcane gift, their single spell. They number 64 until a conflagration. 63 and 62 they soon shall be, as one by one the wizards die, till one remains to reign on high. Join us for Taz Royale, an Oops All Wizards Battle Royale season of the Adventure Zone, every other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. We got a haunted doll watch. Oh my God. This just came in across my desk. Oh my God, Justin. Were you scared? I mean, it's been a minute since I've seen a haunted doll around these parts. Yeah, well, this isn't even a haunted doll, but I had a local connection on this one. Holy shit. So I felt like I needed to share it with you all. Yeah, let's see. One haunted item. Piano key. What? Paranormal. Like a single? Chilling. Haunted items. Eerie. Okay. That's the listing. And for sale is one piano key. One. It was hard to find the noun in there to tell what I was buying. So it's one. What you're buying is one piano key. Okay. Haunted. Huh. One piano key. Haunted. Let me see if I can give you guys a decent visual to work with. This is interesting because this is such a good inversion, right, of like try to figure out what's weirder to buy a single key or to have a single key to sell. Now, wait a minute. That's like 16, I'm looking at like 16 piano keys. Yeah, but like you're buying one at a time. They're all haunted. Yeah, but you're buying. By the same ghost? Go to the next photo up, because I feel like we're looking at maybe even an entire piano's worth of keys that are haunted. So that's 88. So he's like selling each key individually. I'm like, you look, you could buy three for $6.99 a piece if you wanted to. Is that parts of a single ghost? So you can get a deal. You can get a combo deal. Why do you want more than one haunted key, pervert? No, I, okay, but like, a piano that is haunted. What? One at a time. Yeah. if a piano that is haunted like let's say one at a time and for sure not the guy with the list of all the words in front of him one at a time one at a time not sure how to pick the priority but let's start with griffin are we talking a piano is not a house for 88 ghosts thank you i guess that's sort of my starting point so true you can have one big ghost on a haunted piano that like tries to eat you up when the mouth goes up and down like in super mario 64 or house but the idea of you know the G and the F on the piano roll being ghost neighbors that's not that can't be true unless it's programmable and on each one is a different sound of boo and you can play like boo boo boo boo boo boo that'd be cool no there's no technology that would allow that trap you're putting a lot of human physical limits on these keys I think like if you're a ghost you just kind of figure it out right yeah so can I tell you I want to know more yeah for sure okay seven years ago we purchased a used piano at ca house of music in parkersburg west virginia okay so we are we are in our home state of west virginia if you don't know parkersburg it's a lovely place it's where my friend bobby was born if that helps where bob you know bob if you know bob you know bob you know bob it's right you know bob it's right up there it's near ohio it's real close to Ohio. You can get up near Ohio. Not a ghost. Ghost country, I call it. It's ghost country. It's ghost country up there. North, north, uh, West Virginia. Anyway, uh, after having the piano delivered and tuned in our sunroom, we noticed many random unsettling occurrences. They usually began once everyone went to bed late at night. We would randomly hear one of the keys strike immediately after I would walk in to find no one or nothing in the room. This would also happen with a guitar if it was physically touching the piano. Wait, what? this would also happen with a guitar if it was physically touching the piano the ghost would spill out right the ghost would like so this is like an interesting like asterisk on your question about the keys right because if it's able to jump from piano to guitar if it's able to do that then what you do is you get a bunch of guitars make a pathway connected all the way to the piano to the front door of your house and once all the ghosts are in the last guitar you sever the chain Now you have one haunted guitar instead of 88 haunted piano keys. That's going to be a lot easier to manage, I think. I would stay up late playing the guitar, lean it against the piano, and shortly after I would hear the high E string picked one time. As if the ghost was going, you were playing the wrong string. This one. This one. Or the guy is like, I can do that. Why can't you play me? Just play me, please. After months of this happening, a few times a week, I had convinced myself that maybe the strings were installed wrong or it had a weak pin block or a rest plank. Yep. That would all make it play itself for sure. And the guitar. Yep. Yeah. I don't know why the assumption is that the piano is haunted, but let's read on. Three months ago, I began to see things, objects and people in the room. I would get off the couch in the adjoining living room and catch a glimpse of someone watching me from behind the piano. Very creepy. The random key strikes became louder. Before this, they were faint key strikes. Now they were forceful, loud, single notes, only one. for Christmas I bought a family member a Ouija board their mother did not want it in the house so I kept it I think you knew exactly how that was going to play you had a plan when I would come home early in the morning after a night shift I would walk in the sunroom to take off my boots before I go to bed four mornings in a row the Ouija board was lying out on the piano nobody would admit to lying it there so we are to I guess we're to assume that the piano is getting it out to talk to people use it on me I got so much stuff to say and I can only speak in A through G. I tried to speak through the guitar, but all I could say was egg, babe. Okay. Okay. Three months ago, I started to see things and objects and people in the room. I would get off the couch in the adjoining living room and catch a glimpse of someone watching me from behind the piano. Very creepy. I looked in the center room to see someone sitting at the piano. Nice. I jumped up, snuck in the room. Nobody was there. Thinking I was crazy, I got up, shut the sliding door, and I walked in the kitchen to get a Diet Coke. I walked back to the living room, and the door was cracked open. Do you have a picture of the Diet Coke here in the listing? A photo of the Diet Coke? See if we have a picture of the offending Coke. Okay. That was it. Okay. Oh. No, no, no. I slid the door, and then I walked in the kitchen to get a Diet Coke, walked back to the living room and the door was cracked open I then walked back into the room and something pushed my shoulder and grunted That was it For the next eight hours I tore the piano apart and threw it outside in my scrap pile for the dump. That's yes. So that is what, let's see. Yeah, this is what you can see here. The scrap pile for the dump. Yeah, that's great. There's a big pile of piano for the dump. There is the piano keys all torn up. And you can buy one of these guys. Eight hours? I read online. It's not that big of a piano. It's not that big of a piano. That is, yeah, eight hours. I read online that bringing a haunted or spirit-attached item into a home, often via antique shops for secondhand purchases, can introduce paranormal activity. Yeah. Including unexplainable noises. Especially if it's a copy of Paranormal Activity on DVD. That's true. Ironically, very haunted, very quick. Days ago, I went out to the scrap pile and found a dead stray cat lying next to the cast iron frame of the piano. The piano did it? I don't know if the piano would do something like that. No, listen. No, listen, guys. He wanted to string a violin. Listen. Days ago, I went out to the scrap pile and found a dead stray cat lying next to the cast iron frame of the piano. It looked like it had frozen to death in the winter storm. I find it hard to believe it had nothing to do with the haunted piano. I mean, you do? I mean, it was pretty cold. The pics posted the piano and the door that would randomly be open or closed on its own. The door weighs around 100 pounds. It cannot slide open on its own. If you give this as a gift, I strongly suggest you give permission. Your door is 100 pounds? It's made of piano. Everything in the house is made of piano, even the guitar. I just wanted to say I this seller it a lot of times when you read these you get the sense that it's somebody who's like done a lot of them this is not that this is a person who I sincerely believe this entire story is accurate why do I believe that well I clicked on their profile picture of the other items that they sell are you guys ready yeah for a real okay so if you i'm just gonna kind of wait before you click on it can i point out my favorite thing about this entire list thing what is it trappy sure yeah it's that if you buy one key it's $19.99 each but oh boy oh boy have we got a deal for you if you buy four or more of these things you're gonna save five dollars it's only $15.99 a key these things are selling themselves and playing themselves come on down and buy these keys we are we are looking to make over 1400 dollars on this on this one project that's exciting for me as an investor it's a very good idea and i hope it works out for them so let's take a look what else do we got share this tab okay can you see uh-huh all right so guys let's we're not gonna i don't i don't go down for these gendered categories so let's just start looking at individual items so what's the first you started the first time then you guys can just like kind of take turns describing what you see. Lousers, Bowsers, dude. So it is haunted, haunted item, piano key, paranormal, and explain to the other. Okay, so the haunted item is there. What else have we got? We also have a lot of four Tom and Jerry slash Looney Tunes Welsh's jelly glasses, year 1990 to 1994. That's 25 bucks. That's actually pretty fucking good. If those are available, I remember us having those. What else we got, Trev? Ballistic armor kit, one neck collar, one groin protector one throat protector as long as you protect your neck and your groin and your throat that should be good small red apple trinket box slash hinged magnetic lock jewelry box keepsakes Alan Jackson greatest hits volume 2 cassette tape brand new seal 10 bucks for the Alan Jackson we got a Disney high school musical jersey size large sure fit Love seat stretch slip cover. Cover bed. We got a charcoal smoker box, stainless steel, 9x4. Travis. Vintage hyper freak show fat boys, the inline skate wheels. These are vintage hyper freak show fat boys wheels. 511 men's tactical jacket, medium light gray fleece lined front zip pockets. Travis. Well, then we got, what is that? a 511 men's tactical jacket. I mean, you did that. Oh, you lost interest, didn't you, Travis? Fox mini jeweled pewter, trinket box, wildlife decor, small jewelry box. We've got a single cured pod drip tray. This person really, that's a lot, that's a lot of different kinds of stuff. It's a lot of different kinds of stuff. So I think, I believe the story. I believe in this haunted piano. And here's all I'll say, I'm not buying any of these, but you could pick them up for 20 bucks a pop. So I would love it. Or 15.99 if you get in bulk. Or 15.99 if you want to get a deal. I just think it's really sad this story of a stray cat that used to sneak into this woman's house or this person's house. I don't know. They used to sneak into this person's house, walk on the keys. And then when the stray cat saw that the piano was dead, notebooked itself right next to the piano and said, I too shall die with you. Yeah. I miss you, friend. I think that's beautiful. I plucked the high E string on the guitar. How about another question? Recently, my landlady stopped by to assess a problem I have with my washing machine. While making casual conversations, she mentioned that she's in massage school and is required to give free massages to family and friends for her certification. I desperately want a massage after shoveling snow from the recent storm and because of recent work stress. But my partner thinks it's weird to get one from our landlady. Brothers, is that weird? If not, how do I go about asking her if she's willing to give me a massage? that's from stressed in silver spring god i feel you update yeah update all the hardware stores in dc are sold out of everything anyone could ever conceivably use to combat snow so i was not able to acquire a pickaxe um instead my attention was uh drawn uh by the employees at the hardware stores to just get a big claw hammer and you can smash the ice so that's me my front yard for like 45 minutes yesterday, smash an ice up apart with the backside of a claw hammer on my hands and knees. Feel good? Like a real doofus. It doesn't look cool. It doesn't feel cool. It feels bad on the body. So I sympathize very much with you, friend in Silver Spring. That said, I don't know if you can ask your, I don't know if you can ask your landlord for a massage. I think you missed the window for it to be casual. Yes. if the moment when like i've been thinking about yeah if the moment the landlady had said like i gotta give massages you know to practice and you say oh i'd love that man i've been sick right then natural then is part of it it's great if later like sign me up yeah i i don't want to but but but but but but but how the fuck are you gonna do that kind of calculation on the fly i I can't do that kind of fucking mental math. Oh, you'd have to be a fundamentally different person. I don't have a beautiful mind. I can't like do all the different fractals. You know what I mean? I can't do that. You just gotta hone your brain, Justin. Hone your brain. Just hone your brain. Hone your brain and ditch your shame, bro. The answer is to speak before you think. That's what I do. And it works out right. Yeah, but no. I mean, we have equal numbers of questions being like, brothers, why did I say this? What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh, yeah, no. Why did I run my big stupid ass mouth? It's not great. but occasionally I get free massages. I don't know what to tell you. Travis has had a lot more massages than I have. Thank you. That's, yeah, I mean, empirical about it. He's figured it out. I feel like, I don't want to do anything to push any kind of stigma on massage therapists and their craft, body work. I think it's all wonderful. My hang up is that it's your landlord. And to me, that is a orange juice and pizza kind of combination. that I feel like it introduces a social dynamic that I don't think anyone is really capable of unpacking and processing. There's a deeper level here that is the reason I would say no is I don't want to be somebody's practice person for things like this. There's a reason they said friends and family because those people are fine with it not being great right away. You got to practice. Yeah, but like, then pay for one. If you need a massage. Then pay for one. Yeah, then pay for one. If the landlord gets in there and you're like, this is nothing. Or it's like, well, it's worse. You think it could be worse? I guess it could be, right? I mean, if you could make it better, there's gotta be some bad rubbing. Yeah, right? Right, I guess. I'm gonna try twisting this. Ow. Ow. No. Ow. Okay, yes. Is that a good ow or a bad ow? I don't know. I don't know. I'm gonna bop it. I'm gonna try bopping it. No, don't bop it. I'm gonna flick it? Don't flick it. What do I do? Rub it. That wasn't part of the game. I think it's hard because your body sends you pain messages to tell you to punch. And if you tell it like, no, body, this is good for you. And you don't know that your body may not trust you anymore. What if you're wrong and it's actually bad for your body? Your body will be so betrayed. Was that the fucking five point palm exploding heart technique? Don't do that on me back then. Don't do that. Why did you do that? My heart's a bit. Oh. Oh. I got five steps though. That's my loophole. Would you carry me out to my car? Carry me out to my car. Put me in the trunk. Yeah, you missed your window. Sorry. Sorry. We can't help with a lot of these. We can't help with this one. Yeah. And that's hard for us. Honestly, if that feels good, you're wrong. It's tough for us, too. Nobody ever talks about how hard it is on us to not help you. To not do a good job. We'd love to be helpful. It's just not. It didn't come together this time. But check this out. Check this out. The reluctance that got you into this situation, also, I want you to recognize serves you well in a lot of other situations. You're not jumping into the thick of it and just saying, you know, I'll take a massage. Thank you. Without thinking about it first. That behavior also, I think, is going to – it'll pay off in the long run. Pay off in the long run. It's your lifestyle change. It's too late to adapt now. You took the L this time. You took the L. Don't change your lifestyle. You'll get them next time. Okay. Or you won't, but it's about the long game. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. I want to tell you about some new stuff in our merchandise store. If you head on over to McElroyMerch.com, we've got a It's a Good Day for a Fish to Die hat. And there's a Miggie hoodie designed by Bryn Doherty. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month are going to be donated to the Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota, which provides free immigration and legal representation to low-income immigrants and refugees in Minnesota and North Dakota. Hey, we got some projects we're doing on YouTube. Dark, dark projects. No, they're cool projects. Pretty much every Tuesday at noon, we play video games together. We just started playing RV There Yet, which is a real silly one. Had a lot of fun doing that one. the last Tuesday of every month we're also doing McElroy Family Clubhouse that old chestnut and then also throughout the week we're doing solo streams of us playing games Justin's been playing Steven Spielberg movie director game on the what system is that even? Steven Spielberg's film film director game the game. Steven Spielberg's movie genius. Travis does ADHD detective plays mystery games I do trial by Fieri doing a one hit randomizer of Majora's Mask on Friday. So just go follow McElroy Entertainment System on Instagram and you'll be updated anytime we do any of our gaming content. We also have over at championsgrove.com, we've got three packages left that's coming up in May. Come hang out at a castle in Hocking Hills, Ohio. Play games with cool people. Talented guests like Christine Ariel and Haley Whipjack and a bunch of other folks. Check it out at championsgrove.com. We'll see you there. Hey, it's almost one month to the day also until my Choose Your Own Adventure book, The Stowaway, comes out. Whoa. You can preorder it now. And in fact, I would hugely appreciate it if you would take a moment to do it. It's $10. $10 paperback. Come on. Come on. And it's a fun story. And it's age appropriate for younger readers, which is not something, not usually a color we paint with. It's not on our palette often. Is it my turn to throw something? Bit.ly slash Griffin Stowaways. You can go and pre-migure that comes out March 10th. I was going to try to throw this plastic thing because it's the SD card holder. I thought maybe it's got little hooks on it. Is that your crystal gem? Yeah, that's my crystal gem. I thought maybe if I threw it at the acoustic foam, it might stick to it. It's not going to make it sound. Be sick. The sound will really hum it. Stand up. Don't throw sitting. Can we promise each other to never throw sitting down? Hum that shit. My name is Justin McElroy. It didn't stick. Yeah. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother, My Mother. Kiss Your Dad, square on the lips. It's better with you. My life. Oh, oh, oh. It's better. It's better with you. It's better with you. My life. Oh, oh, oh. It's better, it's better with you Because it's true It's better, it's better with you Violet It's better with you