Is My Wife Sending Nude Pics to Other Men?

I Couple months ago, I uncovered an affair land right in the middle of it dude. What did you find? I found a couple of pictures of her Copless I promise you with all that I am brother you do not quote-unquote know all of her tells Happy new year 2026 is here So glad that you're with us Start the new year off right talking about your Relationships nobody's got relationships challenges after the holidays my goodness and I'm so glad that you're talking about your relationships your mental emotional health Whatever you got going on in your life hit the subscribe button. Let's start the new year off right hit the subscribe button And let's get after it this year so grateful that you are with us It's got to Washington DC and talk to Randy. Hey Randy. What's up brother? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing doing great man? How are you man? Better than I deserve excellent excellent. What's up? Yeah, I'm really grateful that you took my took my question I'm calling My my wife and I we've been together for almost 16 years now married for a little over 12 almost 13 We have been absolute best friends from the start And yeah, I've got two kids from a previous marriage and she has a daughter that I Had in my life since she was one year old. He's got 16 now We are a happy family Couple short months ago. I uncovered an affair And Literally and figuratively brought me to my knees The recovery process from that You know, I spent the next two close to three months. I initiated the separation I Still was not very sure of which direction we wanted to go. However, I knew that I absolutely Love this woman After a whole lot of kind of ups and downs I Decided to sit down with my wife and talk about reconciliation as She was literally begging me to stay married and that we can continue forward She's telling all the guilt. There were more so everything that comes with the affair So we decided yeah, let's give it another shot since then even prior then I've been seeing my own counselor She's been seeing her own counselor and we've been seeing a Gottman trained marriage counselor Since that reconciliation it's been approximately three months and We are Super solid Everything is going just absolutely well. There's a lot of reconnection. It's all very safe very healthy But just recently Within about the past three weeks I stumbled across something That I don't I don't have any explanation for what happened Well So Your circle in the clouds like with your airplane. Yeah, Landon right in the middle of it, dude I'll get to the point The way that I uncovered the affair, I don't care. What did you find what you find? I Found a couple of pictures of her Coplas okay that I have never seen before in my life. Okay I looked at the file data. I know the timeline of when these pictures were taken. I know exactly where I was These were never sent to me during that timeline we didn't have any spicy talk over the phone, you know as home every night sure Is this after your reconciliation or just in the past? The pictures were taken six years ago, okay And during that time frame we had a good strong marriage hold on I need to challenge you on something is that cool? Yeah, man, okay If you go back and listen to the first minute and a half of us talking Yeah, you've told me that this is your best friend. You had an amazing life together You've got this amazing three kids of your own and this amazing daughter that you have raised Amazing awesome wonderful amazing great You will not be able to move forward until you are honest that none of that was true Best friends don't knife the person in the same bed with them Yeah, yeah best friends don't cheat Best friends don't start a reconciliation process and don't fully come clean with how deep this They're dissatisfied satisfaction their own challenges their own affairs all that stuff has happened And I add a little context for you. Yeah My wife was raised very very well she had tremendous morals This is a woman that never lied to me never lied to her mother The only thing that she learned how to do a couple of months ago is learn how to lie She didn't learn how to lie well She just learned how to lie And when I did uncover the affair of I got a little bit of her background in this I interrogated her and it was specifically So I could see what tells me She has and it worked. I know everyone of her tells So since I have not questioned her yet about these pictures I kind of have to make I feel obligated to give the benefit of the doubt because perhaps perhaps Even though I used the duck analogy perhaps there is a logical explanation I don't know what that is A logical explanation. I don't know what that is You know, oh or perhaps Yeah All right Man, are you an interrogator for a living? No Former life former life. All right. I grew up in the home of a homicide detective Okay Who is also a SWAT hostage negotiator? Okay Being interrogated is in my DNA. I Also worked student conduct for 20 years. I've been interrogating people my entire career. Okay You and I both know That the number one barrier for a good interrogator is their own ego Yeah, and their belief that they have a superior detection system than anybody else I Promise you with all that I am brother. You do not quote-unquote know all of her tells and You're needing to believe that is preventing you from feeling The reality of the situation not knowing it feeling it Yeah, I was raised with impeccable morals and I was a world class liar You know why because a I had to be and be I Was surrounded by a world-class interrogator Yeah So the greatest gift you can give to yourself right now is To say these terrifying words. I Missed it And if you will metabolize that Then you'll have to do the scary work which is I thought I was a guy that knew her and I didn't And then you'll have to say if I can't trust me then who can I trust and That's a scary thing on The back end of an affair is is yes people lose trust in their spouse But there's a deeper trust loss in yourself. I should have seen it right and Bro, if you can get there and I'm literally thinking of you opening your hands instead of clenching them tighter You're perhaps perhaps is you squeezing every your hands are squeezed together so tight your hands are turning white your fingers are turning white Perhaps you know what perhaps you're right But the evidence in front of you to use investigator language is probably not fair And this is me talking to a guy I'm telling you this cuz I love you It's fair Yeah, the greatest gift is not thinking I solved this because for a person who is Linked up with somebody who thinks they know all the this is and that's and this isn't that's Is once I once I can get around that system I can get around anything And that is Unfathomably terrifying The greatest investigators that I've spent time with the ones who do this at like the high high high level are ones who regularly say I don't know Yeah, I'm kind of facing this challenge we did have Really really deep conversations over this past couple of weeks You know, I told her exactly why I did what I did when I confronted her about the affair You know, I told her it says I interrogated you. I did that for a reason all things considered I wouldn't have done it any differently. I Don't want to interrogate her again And so I'm kind of playing scenarios out here on how I actually do approach this You know our marriage counselor has been you know, I've been on his back about trust building how do I build trust and Really everything kind of boils down to I've been told a lot of things. I've heard the whole Transparency everybody's got everybody's passwords. Well, I threw my passwords out Really willingly I was like, please check everything. I don't care. I've got nothing to hide I My wife was reluctant to do that at first But you know, I told her like that look I get a vote. You know, I use your words I get a vote in this. This is what I want And she's been pretty dang transparent You know trying to fix what was broken You know here I am I've been away from home for about three weeks now and you know, I call why are you not on a plane? Back to sit in front of her You know, I I go by my individual counselor You know, this is my job and I get it I understand the relationship between Job and family, you know, it's in the military for 21 years Which ultimately caused me my first marriage. Well, no leaving in the military did not cause me my marriage However, this is how I put food on the table. This is how I got you the head. But do you not get Saturday and Sunday off? I'm clear across the globe Now I'm yeah, I'm across the pond. It's not that easy. Okay, that's fair Yeah Here's I'm gonna tell you you're gonna be a shell of yourself by the time you get back Yeah, yeah, I'm preparing for that and you're running you are ruminating what you're doing feels like productive thinking It is not Yeah, you're room and you are creating stories that then you have to solve which create new stories with which you have to solve You your car is stuck in mud and you have your foot jammed on the gas and you're listening to the RPMs go up and you feel like you're moving You're not going anywhere. You're just digging a deeper hole It the nail on the head right there so until you exhale and stop Having imaginary conversations in your head and running scenarios in your head and by the way, that's how you were trained think of every contingency Get as many unknown unknowns off the table as possible That is in your DNA and I honor that it doesn't work in a marriage Yeah Been figuring that one out. It's all good. I mean you're just doing your here's what you're doing you love her so much And you love the life you all have created and let's even go one step deeper You've dedicated your whole life to trying to love people well Yeah, and keep people safe and do the next right thing. That's your whole life But you know as well as I do that green camo doesn't work in the desert And so you're opening up your toolkit and you're just putting on you're grabbing the tools that you know An interrogation never works in reconnection Right because it lifts you into the higher chair and you know one of the great interrogation techniques is for the interrogator to have a higher chair Yes, that's what it does and it doesn't bring connection it brings punishment and If you have a woman who spent her whole life just following the rules that meant she also knew the way around the rules Right And there's nothing more terrible. Go ahead. I don't feel responsible Having like you given her means and the opportunity to have an affair behind my back while I'm No, no, no, no, no, no, she made choices. She made choices. Yeah, I'm absolutely Clear of that responsibility. I've got a level head on that one and she has done her part in Taking full accountability for it all awesome, right? But has she here's a thing. She's done a great job Maybe maybe Maybe and so I have given her several opportunities And and not because I had any doubt, but I gave several opportunities It's you know, like if there is anything else from the past that I need to know about it's really good idea to get ahead of the truth And you know at this point, maybe it just becomes a discussion or you know, we go back to a dark place and figure things out Oh and that's kind of still where I'm sitting out here depending on this severity if I get the truth that I am Kind of leaning more towards Where do I go from there? I can't sit here and tell you that I'm decided on that We just have a good discussion and talk to our marriage counselor. Of course, of course not of course not but what you're trying to do is you're trying to Assume her answer a and then your contingency plan and then assume her answer B and then a contingency plan And you've got your fingers held tightly around her potential answer number three and you've got a contingency plan and what I'm telling you is The path forward for reconciliation here is Open-handedness And that's terrifying and You're in a you're in a tough spot dude because These things are best had face-to-face and you can't have that But I don't have this conversation yet, but I wonder what it would be like to exhale and say I Shouldn't have interrogated you as a means to regain power in this relationship. I should have wept Because I loved you and I gave you my whole life. I didn't see this one coming And I'm not gonna interrogate you, but I just found these photos and they're marked six years ago and you never sent these to me And right now I'm just heartbroken And it sounds strange man, but I'm wondering if you wouldn't feel infinitely more free after that conversation You wouldn't feel better, but would you feel free? You know, I felt free once With the whole affair situation, yeah, but I had when I had finally come to a decision You know with me being out of town I was gone for about two months and I'm actively throwing out the bids for attention I'm trying to see where she's at in this process and I was getting absolutely zero reciprocation Yeah, two three days before I actually got home. I There's Conversation, you know text conversation between us. I can't remember the details But it was enough to put me over the line and I said no what I'm done. Yeah, I'm done I my tank is empty. I'm done when I get home. I'll go ahead and take care of filing I For whatever reason, I'm still not sure myself I Still had it scheduled for her to pick me up from the airport And here I am on the plane home and I'm thinking why didn't I just call my brother? What was I thinking and that was the most uncomfortable hour-and-a-half drive home from the airport with the crying and this can't be real But that's when I was comfortable. I was set I felt at peace Myself You felt you felt at peace in the decision or you felt peace in the groveling I Felt peace in the decision. Okay, I could have I could have totally gone without the groveling I didn't want it. I didn't need it Okay, so it wasn't a matter of you finally like you felt like the cosmic teeter totter was balancing a bit now not at all Okay, I I was really absolutely done And I was so secure in my decision as it's like, hey, let's let's have a quiet right home Go long trip. Okay Yeah, I don't get on a plane and come see you. I'm sorry. Can she get on a plane and come see you Now okay Now I mean the honesty is this gonna be hard. It's gonna be hard whether you often navigate this over zoom And I Being gone seven more months with no physical contact is gonna be really really hard. I Don't know if you can take a leave of some sort. I mean, I don't know man That's hard and it sounds cheesy, but right now let your body be your guide. Where do you find peace? Where do you find peace Sorry, my man. I hate this for you, dude. I really do Thanks for the call took a lot of courage free to call and I'm grateful We come back a woman feeling like she's the only one involved in being a parent in her household doesn't know what to do next All right, the holidays are coming to a screeching halt what a chaotic zoo that was I Ran myself ragged with traveling and events and just doing thing after thing after thing and I'm hearing from you all and Most of you did the same thing and if you're like me I can't wait to take some time and unwind to recover from my holiday season in my cozy earth Sheets cozy earth sheets keep me cozy without being too cold and without overheating. I sleep several degrees cooler They're perfect for snuggling on winter nights and waking up refreshed to get after it the next morning And cozy earth's bubble cuddle blanket. I didn't name it, but I'll tell you this it's amazing It's like a giant teddy bear. 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I mean other than the little issue that I have When someone calls the show and says I have a little issue. It's never a little issue. What's up? No, it's not I'll get started so My husband and I have been married for about three years and he has a stepdaughter my kids are all adults and I've been raising his stepdaughter. He's never home. He has a he works. He's in a band He goes out all the time or he likes to sleep And there's no, you know, when I try to talk to him about these things He just doesn't I don't know. He just doesn't understand or he doesn't grasp what What I'm seeing I I mean, we've been to a counselor We've done all this there was a huge custody battle with his ex-wife just recently and he fought for more time But he's not Taking that time to spend with her and it makes me more angry because I feel Like when I was going through the divorce my kids think it as much attention as I'm giving his daughter now I know and I know she is my daughter too. No, that's good. That's good. That's good. What you just said is good You know and I Sorry, hi, don't be sorry. I wasn't I wasn't able to give my kids But I'm giving her now because my ex-husband was very controlling and I went from one extreme to another like He doesn't care if I'm gone anywhere like there's just no Okay, so let's get to the let's get to the let's get to the real target here. Can we go right to the bullseye? Yeah, go right you're married to a man that you simply do not respect And that's how it feels right now that's not how it feels that's how it is Yeah, because you're married to a man who went to war for more time He doesn't want to see his own daughter No And if we're honest, let's take her out of the equation this the sweet daughter. He doesn't want to see you No, no I have to argue with him and then he makes Makes it into like a joke You know, he's like I love you, you know that No behaviors of language. He's very clear that he loves not being at home more than he loves being with you Yeah And it's just you know, like he's like well, we need money so I need to work You know, there's always an excuse always always I'll sit here with you for a second Yeah, I don't know what else, you know, what other things I can do I Mean the real pain here is that this is happening again Yeah And when it happens with a Terrible first husband, it's easy to say it's them and then it happens again With a different fun loving super exciting hangs out smiles all the time musician whatever Not happening again. It's hard not to look at the mirror and say what's wrong with me Yeah, I know I'm sorry I Mean I have you know, I'm always constantly thinking you know, do I need to do different? Yeah, you know reality I probably don't need to change much I'm sorry You know what I love I love my stepdaughter and like I love her like a daughter it's not about her it's not about her It's happening again, yeah, I Mean should I should I walk away? I Mean Hey, I'm never gonna tell anybody you got to own that choice. I can't I can't be the person who gives you permission to do the next Hard-hard thing Hearing your story he's already walked away. He just hasn't moved out yet Yeah, and maybe that's the language I Would not do what I do if I have not seen Incredible marriages come rise out of out of ash, but it takes two people choosing Owning we chose misery and then now choosing that we can own something awesome And that's what I want I want to choose something awesome. I want things to be great And so I think for you taking a bit of time To drill down as specifically as possible I Mean I've tried a Thought about like maybe getting enrolled in some more marriage counseling. No, no, no, no, not yet. Not yet. Not yet I Think maybe some more individual counseling. Oh, no, no, you're counseled up right now Yeah, I've seen enough counselors in my life time. I know I know You're at a point now where I You so lack trust in you Yeah, that you need somebody else you need a stranger on a podcast to tell you what's the next move Yeah, and maybe for the first time in your whole life. I want you to own What you want And I'll think I've ever been able to do that I know I Want you to write down on a piece of paper Okay, I want you home four nights a week And we can't talk about money issues until we have a budget that we stick to Yeah, and if you look in the mirror and you say actually I spend $900 a month on restaurants, you're right We can both cook dinner together or we can alternate or I'll take it all like there's some of that reality But There's putting it down on paper and here's what's gonna be hard about that when you put it down on paper about what kind of life Do you want? He might look at that and say I'm not doing that And that's scary yeah Yeah, and then I think you'll turn around and say like when do I get to make a list of all the things that you know You need to change tell them bring it on Yeah But but hear the language that's different We're not writing down a list of all the things he sucks at and that he needs to make different. No, you're simply taking full ownership of you I Want to be married to someone who likes me and wants to be at home Yeah, and by the way Like Let me just give you a picture in my house I travel a lot I Was just gone for three nights Running a marriage retreat here in Nashville And can I tell you the very next morning? I got in a car and I drove to Chicago, Illinois to headline a comedy show in a comedy club All right, so My wife even knew me well enough to know that after three weeks three days of intensive Marriage mental health emotional health. I want my husband home so bad and the greatest gift I can give the next two months Is to encourage him to go do something silly and tell some crazy jokes in front of a packed house Yeah, and so it's not all about like you don't want a guy who's a musician to never go out and play music Oh, no, right? I would never I know and so it's not a matter of I need you it is deeper than that You would probably be really happy if he played music with his buddies one night and then hung out with his buddies another night Yeah, but when you are home the other five nights, I want you fully here and no phones and playing games around the table boring family stuff Why cuz I want somebody Who will let me love them? I want to feel like I'm the most important person in somebody's world Yeah, that's what I need I know and God help this little girl Yeah his daughter Yeah, I really But I but I don't want you if you look back on your just and again I'm spitball in here, but I'm just taking some of the words you used You have a pattern probably since you were a kid of Outsourcing Your next move and outsourcing blame And I don't want this girl to become the next thing Yeah, I want you to own I miss my husband Yeah Then like that all my life I know And and I'm giving my wife credit She knows that a night at the comedy club fills me up. It doesn't take me away you get the difference Yeah I need me he has band practices here and then he has his gigs and then it's it's just so much But you every spouse can tell the difference between I can tell when she goes to her book club meetings Like It's not to escape her home It's to completely set her insides on fire and fill her up Yeah, and that is why I love it when she's goes and does those things. I don't love it that she's gone I love she's doing those things But I think it's beneath the band practice doesn't sound like he's building towards something sounds like he's avoiding everything Yeah, and now he's got a he's got a live-in babysitter and a live-in chef. It's the best of both worlds, dude Like I kind of stop cooking like I'm not doing that anymore I know that sounds hurt well, you know it makes sense, but it's not helpful No, I know it's not helpful because then it confirms the story. He's telling himself, which is she doesn't she's always her Right. Yeah, I guess that's probably right It just gets into a dance where he plays three gigs one week and then you're like, well screw you then I'm here with your daughter I'm not even cooking for you and he gets home and he's like see Even on a crazy week I get home and I get punished for it So I'm gonna book a fourth gig next week and like oh, well then I'm not doing it just gets in a weird dance And that that may be it And that's why you hear me say all the time that shows somebody's got to turn the music off and turn the lights on And that always starts with being really specific And even if you go first and say I'm finding myself Trying to punish you for being gone which I get makes you want to be going more I'm not doing that anymore because I don't want to be a person who punishes You know, that's a a really different way to look at it There's there's there is A way you can say I need I need I need and what you're doing is you're taking your autonomy and dumping it in his gig bag Yeah, or you can look at it and say I want you and I miss you And I know music's important to you. I know work's important to you I know this little girl's important to you, but I want to be important to you above and beyond all of all that His daughter's a separate thing, but I want you to want to be here And you have to be reflective have I contributed to a world where I could see him not wanting to be around Yeah, and then you're getting a chicken or egg context and at some point it doesn't matter I'm gonna change the way I do what I do. I'm not gonna become a person. I don't want to become just because of you That is that is good I'm gonna send you all three decks of questions for humans for couples. Oh my god, that'd be so fabulous I just want to get I just want to get to also need the interpancy deck too. That's four of them I just want to get to know you And by the way knowing never stops My wife and I've been through those decks like 20 times and I learned new things Because it changes Yeah, I feel like I have so much to talk about but I don't have anybody to talk to you. Okay, you know, I So look at your husband and say I am lonely Yeah Or look at your husband the next time he says I got a gig and you say well, actually I'm going to hang out with my girlfriends Because I'm a woman that has friends and I'm a woman that goes and gets filled up with my friends So I can come here and be the person that I want to be at my house Yeah, I do that now. I mean in a lot of times I go to the gigs and I watch them and I have friends that are there It's just you know, but it's a lonely Yeah, because he's always playing and we're not actually dancing together Yeah, yes, and so it's you taking ownership And choosing I'm not going to become somebody I don't want to be And in order to create an environment where I can more often than not be the person I want to be Here's what must be true When I go to your gigs, I'm alone No, uh, Susan's there and Billy's there. I know but I want to be with you And you need to get a babysitter for your daughter Because I'm going to go be with so-and-so I need somebody here to watch it. I know you went to court for more time cool And on and on and on Thank you for the call sister I think for the first time I want you to like picture yourself close your eyes as you start to write and picture yourself Growing standing up tall and growing six feet See the shadow with your eyes closed come out from your now You know 14 foot body or 13 foot body. I want you to grow tall And then say As for me inside my own home, here's who I'm going to be Write that stuff down and then invite them in. Here's who I want us to be Who do you want to be? And that's the point of connection Also hanging the line. I'm going to give you some some the free marriage app It's one thing you can each do for each other. It's called together. You can get in the apple store It's one thing that you can do for each other every day. I'll text you something And it'll get to learn you over time. It's one thing you can do every day To slowly lean back together and find each other Thanks for the call sister Man, that's hard We come back a man asks if it's fair to tell his partner that he's losing attraction to her Because she's been neglecting her health This show is sponsored by better help. I want to talk about traditions Traditions are things you do every week or every year and they can be great or They can be a heavy obligation The holiday season is a great time to reflect on holiday traditions the valuable ones and the not so valuable ones And even the painful ones Therapy can give you space to think about the old traditions that may not be serving you anymore And consider how you might create new ones and if you're thinking about therapy this holiday season I want you to call my friends at better help better help has over 30 000 therapists And they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're trusted by millions They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of five and better help is totally online So it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule to get started You just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs And if it's not the right fit you can change at any time for no extra cost This month start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloni to get 10 off your first month That's better help dot com slash deloni All right, Louisville, Kentucky Louisville Kentucky let's talk to jay. What's up jay? How you doing today dr. John doing good brother? How about you? I'm doing just about as good as I could you know there you go. What's up? Um I've been dealing with this feeling for a little while now. Um, made my ladies Uh, one year was just on the first day and Oh, you're lady. I thought you said ladies plural and I was like dang jay Me and my ladies No me and my lady, um Well, my question is married or dating We are dating. Um Yeah, we've only been together for a year. So yeah, we're dating you've been dating for a year. Okay, cool But we do live with each other. Okay And uh, we moved in very fast. I'd like to mention that. Anyway, my question is How not necessarily yeah, well, I'm losing attraction attraction. John say just say say say say She Eats poorly. He does not take care of her body. Is she gaining weight and I'm losing attraction. Of course John say She's she has gained weight. Okay. How much? Uh, so She's always been slightly larger lady and I was okay with that She knows it's different for me. I've always been with generally athletic and skinnier ladies. Okay, and um So it is new to me. But anyway She's gained probably 20 pounds. I want to say maybe 30. Okay So are you lose are you losing attraction to her because She's a bigger woman. Are you losing attraction to her because the person you Started dating early on you're watching that person Is this a physical thing or is this an emotional thing or is it a combination? It's gonna be a bowl. Okay. Tell me about the emotional part So it's so upsetting to me. I'll be honest just just let it rip. I know no, um It's just I can't stand seeing somebody that I I love so dearly just neglect themselves because I know what it does. I've seen what it does over time And I'm I will say I'm slightly a health buff. I take care of myself. I Do stop play sports. I do all this stuff and I just I I would like for her to be able to do the thing With me and I know It's hard for her to do it and she doesn't want to do it because she feels embarrassed to do it because of her size and it's I don't know how far how much I can really say in regards to Not kind of vulgarities. It's not very vulgar vulgar, but you know what I mean? I don't know how far I can say it but Sex is not the same anymore I I do enjoy it. I've always enjoyed it and I know she has as well but it's I can't John this is one of the prettiest women I've ever met and seen in my life And to see that face and then I don't this is going to sound so terrible But it's not meaning and that and that it's not meant to be derogatory. I'm not trying to be mean I don't want to push my lady down ever But it's just the way I think it's what I feel um I just I can't stand to see her body that way it bothers me That's it Is it that you can't stand to see her body that way Because it's now got 20 extra pounds on it or is the person that she knows she's becoming Causes her to shield herself from you to not be as open with you To hide from you and it's that is creating that cycle where you start to chase and you start to be like well, you know if you just which then sends her to a deeper shame spiral and for her The the false comfort at the bottom of a shame spiral is more food Or is it simply when I see her now I'm no longer physically attracted to her I Think it's gonna be the first one that one definitely it almost hit the nail in the head. I don't uh She's not I don't know how to explain let me say like let me say like this Let's take let's take her off because you I know what you you're trying to be careful to not say My girlfriend has gained a bunch of weight and I'm losing attraction to her. Okay You are not crazy. I don't think you're an evil person. Okay. You're attracted to who you're attracted to But what I'm trying to get to the bottom of That attraction can be very shallow Yeah, and if you are a guy of which there are millions of them That when their partner ages like a normal body That you're not going to be content with that aesthetically I'm going to tell you to be an honorable person and let this sweet woman go If Because this is going to show up with wrinkles this is going to show up with gray hairs We're going to show up with with with pregnancy scars. It's going to show up all over the place And if that's who you are Then get out of the dating pool so How can I help you? Well, we we have spoken about this and she she is trying to work with me She wants to go she's been going to the gym I just I don't want a nitpick. I'm having that issue of of because So just this morning She texts me. She said I went and got me a coffee I deserved And my mom would immediately came into my mind. Well, what did you do to deserve it? But then again, I remember She's at home Taking care of things that she's not it's not obligated to take care of things that I had happened to mess up at home And she had she was taking care of it. So yeah, maybe she deserved But I it's just so conflicting. It's so weird and I don't know how to wrap my mind about it around about it how I think Lack of discipline is what is bothering me because that's the way I grew up That's she grew up very differently. She grew up in a very loosey-goosey house And I grew up in a very strict and um Honest and truthful household and I think a part of it is just being that discipline of saying hey I don't need to eat like this. I don't need to drink like this I don't need to get a coffee every day of every day of the week that you know It's not healthy and it's I think that's another thing that's bothering me And I don't want to be like hey, you don't deserve you don't deserve that drink Because no, that's how she that's how she'll take it. I just don't know how to voice it to her. Hey, maybe a coffee a day It's not healthy Um, no, it's it's one of these it's not just a normal coffee like a normal. I know I got you It's like it was frappuccino things. Yeah, I got you. I got you. I got you. Um, how old are you? I'm 21. Okay. He is 20. Okay So This is I'm gonna say this is gonna. It's gonna sound mean and derogatory. I want you to hear exactly how I'm saying it Okay, sure, of course. All right You're at the age when you begin to realize a couple of different things Okay Number one the way you did Christmas growing up is away not the way Okay number two The same things that you pride yourself on Are probably the things that you had to do to survive in your house Okay Okay Yeah, so the things that you're most proud of that you do I never miss a workout I don't my my body fat is six percent and I never need a coffee I would tell you is Probably the things that little nine-year-old kid inside of your chest wishes he could just have an ice cream cone every once in a while That's exactly it Okay, and so often when there's an exchange and this is gonna sound dramatic and it's gonna sound like I'm getting all political I'm not when you feel yourself feeling powerful That is often the thing your body trying to protect you from the thing you're most scared about inside your own chest Yeah, okay And so strangely I would say thank god you all found each other Because I need somebody in my life like my wife Who keeps a schedule? And who pays bills every month And she needs somebody at nine o'clock to say hey, I just got tickets last second. We're going to this concert. Let's go Oh And so the beauty is You will never change somebody's health habits if they feel like They're doing it out of a place of shame or out of a place of obligation People will change their health habits when they realize I am worth feeling good Yeah And John I've I will say I've been on the other end of the spectrum in regards to weight Of course, of course Now I've I used to be overweight. That's right. And so you know, here's the thing you know the pain that she feels And This sounds hard to hear she has not asked you For your help Yeah, I know and there's nothing worse than loving somebody and Having the answer in your in your pocket, right? Yeah, and they don't want it The deeper question is how can I love you today? I love her every day, john. I'm not I'm not talking about in an ethos Okay, I'm talking about letting her speak into how she wants to be loved And vice versa, of course And so for you it's less about I deserve a A frappuccino a 1400 calorie drink that costs nine dollars. We don't have That's not the issue. That's the symptom The issue is We don't have a shared purpose with our money We don't have a shared purpose with our health goals Exactly And so let's get to the bottom of shared purpose shared values And I'll also tell you this is an offensive way to say this. I know But when you're 21 and 20 and you're playing house Neither of you have a reason to anchor into the other person Yes, sir, because you both still have a foot out the door Yeah, we both spoke about that actually the other night Yeah And so maybe tonight you sit down and say hey, I've talked to you about what you're eating I've talked to you about the right workout plan. I've talked to you about you need to get out and play sports with me And I've communicated it to you In a way that makes you think I think you need to do all that stuff because I think you're fat and that's wrong Yeah I missed the spark in the eyes of that girl I met when she was 19 I missed the girl who was alive and laughing and so full of confidence and beauty radiated from the inside out Yeah, you put it that way it's how can I love and find that girl again? And maybe if you hold her hands and say honey, I'm gonna love you 60 pounds from now But I want to be a part of finding that girl again, and I think I may have dimmed your light and I'm sorry I Did I did John? Okay? You coming at her with that type of honesty and vulnerability, which by the way, no man in your life has ever modeled for you. It's all new Yeah, it's all right But the way you solve problems is with calories and workout plans and activities cool For some people that that list is just shame on top of shame on top of shame I Get from your voice that you love this girl sideways Is that fair Beyond that of course. Okay number one let her know that Number two you get to have seasons of not being attracted to each other. It's life Of course, of course number three if you outsource all that to pornography or something you're gonna blow your house up number four Take a knee in front of this woman that you love and say I messed this up, man I was trying to tell you I love you with the only tools I have which are crushing kill it and drag it home and There's another way Okay, I want you to feel good and I want to see the light in the eyes of that girl that I fell in love with Will you make a budget with me for god's sakes? She's been Heggled me about doing that. Okay being grown be a grown up if you're gonna play house be a grown man Yeah, I know it's It's me. It's it's what I need to do because I mean Plus been more than what I should well. Here's the deal you ask her how can I love you? And then say to her I want to tell you how you can love me Be honest Be reflective. Here's where I need to grow up. I'm playing house. I'm playing big boy I need to act like one like a grown man. I need to be a good steward of my money I need to sometimes just get up and have a frappuccino for god's sakes I need to sometimes I need to just go dancing instead of making you go to the volleyball courts Sometimes I just need to sit on the couch with you and watch a tv show Dude, I just gotta say it man I'm proud of you for saying speaking out loud You had hard stuff to say but I'm proud of you for having the courage to say it out loud And I believe you in your guts man. This isn't just about aesthetics and attraction This is about I miss the woman I fell in love with and I think I've contributed to dimming her light And I want to not do that anymore. I honor that my brother Appreciate you. Thanks for the call man. We'll be right back I've got three dogs and I love them and this year I'm committed to being better About taking care of them all of us who have pets that we love need regular vet care We need to take care of our pets and it's exhausting trying to find a veterinarian get in line Dutch has got you Dutch is the leading telehealth service for pets and it gives you 24 seven access to licensed veterinarians Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions and you can get expert care in minutes with no waiting rooms and no long waits It takes like a 10 minute call from home and you get a treatment plan a dutch membership covers up to five pets plus unlimited visits unlimited follow-ups and prescriptions Yeah, that's right. 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I'm no more of this nice guy stuff. I'm sick. I'm sick of it Okay, all right Am I the problem my grown kids and their spouses come over for meals, which I love However, they stay way too long and way too late Am I the problem for wanting to put a time limit on our gatherings? No, you're the problem for not having put a time limit on them and then they stay too long and then you're mad at them for it My wife is the best she's like everyone's out of my house at nine o'clock tonight before they come over And then about 8 50 she goes y'all have 10 minutes left It's awesome and everybody knows it's the best And by the way, they probably don't want to stay that long. They're probably like whenever I go to my mom's house We have to stay till midnight because she's just yes, you're the problem. Say the boundary Ta-da, what do you think? Oh, I totally agree. Say hey, it's a work night or whatever. So we're gonna go to bed at nine Get out of my house We have one of our girlfriends that we know if we go to her house at a girls night We're all gonna be gone by nine That's my wife or she'll just go upstairs put her job is on go to bed leave us in there But we all just know that yeah, I've had that people at my house. I'm like, hey y'all lock up I'm going to bed like just make sure the door's locked and they literally stay They'll just like I don't care. I'm going to bed. I'm tired. There's a great snl skit that has it's about this candle that you like This it's like rottling trash when you're ready for all the people to go home. It's really great It's awesome. Yes, just tell people in your life that that you love like This is when this is over and that's fantastic But you can't You can't get mad and resent people for boundaries. You didn't create for crossing boundaries. You didn't like create Go to bed, dude I'd much rather be with somebody who's full in until nine o'clock Then be with somebody who's mad. I'm there at 11. Love you guys. Bye You