Jazz Fest + Manifestos

I'm such a notorious mumbler last night at the comedy store The half time they can't even hear me. That's if a joke doesn't work I think they can't hear me and then the last night I was getting a lot of Like echo and I don't even know anything about Mike's even to this point, but I could tell something was off Well, I have the name for your next special Go ahead The mumbler. Oh boy. No, that's what I'm playing in the next Batman movie Heather, can you turn that one down? No, I have this is my eye that gets all Tom Cruise and squinchy like this. I know So Dana, I need I have talked to you about some things Okay, real serious thing. Well, first of all, I know I want I want to hear about your trip I just want to tell you that it's not that exciting. Go ahead. Well, nothing. I'm gonna say is exciting Bus boys. I just saw a good piece of news that there's a movie So first of all, this is my funny take. There's a place called box office mojo.com I go to it all the time and I checked it last night to see how bus boys was doing. Oh, have you heard this story? No, I a bus boys was a ghost. So go ahead jumping ahead. So Sorry, I go to box office mojo all the way back to like growing up so all these other movies Yeah, that's the go-to place every night what it made the night for and like the top 40 or 50, you know, yeah so We're independent right so yeah, it had some weird name, but now it's called bus boys holdings or whatever But it usually says like Disney Paramount Whatever, right, you know, I mean yeah a 24 Distributor producer whatever so when we were eight that first weekend we were the only independent only independent the top 10 fine So the next week during the week, I did some quick Calculations of my head. I go we're gonna be about sixth right now just during the week And then by the time I get warmth by Michael Jackson the weekend and five wide releases will be pushed down, but fine So Monday doesn't say anything Tuesday. Nothing and I go are they gonna make us they're not putting it back onto the weekend So we have no idea what it made all week on the weekend. Nothing, you know, I think big movie got to him Like big pharma big movie. Oh wait a minute. So what oh, okay? Okay, big movie. So basically what you're saying is bus boys was still in theaters incurring revenue. Yeah, but big movie mojo, whatever they are box office mojo box office mojo and said Why are you putting it makes us look a little weird? They don't like indie films you're off the resident. They want you in a big corporate bubble So I think Warner Brothers made a ringy-dingy. I think Paramount wait a ringy-dingy Conspiracy theory going around. Yeah, they can't stop the people though. Let me just put that out to you people are people spoke Yeah, two thousand dollars per theater with no advertising first weekend. Go ahead Someone wrote in it. They'd only made two thousand dollars for theater that sucks I go why don't you check the top 50 because I think the top three make two though. Anyway, we were in lower theaters, but Listen, it's it's not changing the world as I say This is the kind of movie that you watch on your phone while you're driving It's not a real cinematic experience But it's yeah, or if you're in your case if you're in a bubble bath You can just hold your phone yeah and play with the duck with the other hand go ahead or hold it under the water You can still see it pretty yeah, you yeah, you don't have to hear it Or get the audiobook version that is already out bus boys. You guys do a great job of Vocalizing the movie and just put that in yeah Look at pictures of you and Theo from the you know, how about this so listen our movie all in we lied It costs three seven not just three, but that's because music was about five hundred Jesus I can play a couple instruments next time. I know we should have had you come in there Because okay, it's a three seven so let's say it made another million in the week blah blah, but I just read that this new movie It's called Desert Warrior heard about it. I didn't think so No, it made 480,000 Heather this weekend Whoops budget 150 million no, that's not possible. So say tell the real story. That's very funny David But what is a recent memory? It's Ben Kingsley Anthony Mackie big stars. It just something about it did not work obviously so well Didn't work well, let me I've got to unpack this under they make a movie for 150 million Normally they match that with advertising another so there are 300 deep and their first weekend Ben Kingsley is Popping champagne they do 400,000 so 100 1 9 hundredths of the box I mean, it's there's flops and then there's flops how it shows you how rough it is out there So their purse screen average is about 12 bucks. I don't know what I Don't know what it was, but you know I'm saying is it it's a brutal bloodbath That one I don't know what could have happened other than just No awareness now we didn't have advertising. Well, I never heard of it. No, what's the name of the Ben Kingsley one? Desert Warrior. Well, no the real name because that's ridiculous. That's a good generic name. That's like guy with a gun Desert craziness tanks nearby Tanks and things. Yeah, think of the worst title that would never have a human being buy a ticket at a centerplex It'd be like a warrior so generic. Yeah, you can't remember it already. What is it warriors in the desert warrior desert warrior? Yeah, sometimes nail on the head doesn't get you box office Remember a funny part of because people are saying our movies like a little too What just Funny too far Oh, but remember when you go the opposite way and in Top Gun Maverick the funniest thing of the whole movie Which I did like the movie. I thought it was fantastic They were so scared to name a country that they were fighting that would be the bad guys So they just kept calling them the bad guys. They never once said who it was And that funny go bad guys are coming. We got to fight the bad guys They showed a dark planes, but no more. Yeah on the plane. Yeah, who is it? What's country? No? Nice try. Come on soldiers. Let's get out there and fight the bad guys who? Bad guys Jerks by the way, here's a little fun fact Yeah, Chris for Nolan one of our great directors Chris Nolan all time Chris Chrissy Don Kirk brilliant World War two film inception they referred to the Referred to the enemy they said the enemy they didn't say Nazis or Germans which was factual. They said the enemy well the funny thing is like wonder one There's there's some movies that go back in time, which is smart to Win the not or two guys because everyone can go okay. We'll give you that one, but if it's present day It's hard to say. Oh, it's these guys. Oh, it's these guys and then Right, I mean it in a lot of movies. There's like There was the rebels that was the Confederacy and now it's called the Confetti's All right, let's fight those confetti's just to kind of soften it. You've seen it. It's on Amazon Prime, right? It's called the fight of the confetti And when they get shot they just explodes confetti's there's no blood. Yeah I mean, you know, it's okay to kind of modify things, you know historically you don't want to say Confederates He say the confetti's and what would they call the Union soldiers? The firecrackers the unisons it's the unisons versus the confetti's Violent movies that are PG-13 and you go these are so violent for kids like more scary violent, but They can't show I think blood exploding out So you'll see people get shot and sometimes they turn into smoke and like the Avengers or something because they can't show blood So it's a good trick of like they're dying Or they just go oh you got Yeah, it's grabbing your stomach. You got a squib there. Whoa, you know look, I mean there's with PG-13 movies I won't say which ones in the 90s Where the stars talking to two young attractive Asian women's and ask what their names are one says I'm sucky me and I'm sucky you PG-13 Forkeys I Won't name movies. I won't name names, but I'm just saying that was the The culture and era of there was pre political correctness. You could pretty much say whatever you want There's a joke a comedian it about watching the credits for Hawaii 5-0. This is a long setup Oh, but he goes you're seeing the credits like Kang fang as fung Kang. Why are we changing the names? Ping-Pow as Ping Pong as the ping-pong player Yeah I like the I love talking about movies and but let me just for the audience Contextually this was the little engine that could it's just doing its theatrical release. It's first weekend did great It's trundling around and then it'll be on Livestreaming thing and you'll be able to type it in and say where can I buy this or rent it? It'll be that'll be probably June 1st, but we'll believe you will blab about it then little bit of advice Just fucking buy it It's the kind of movie you're gonna want to see over and over again your friends are coming in from Canada What do you got a you want something funny? We got bus boys. So buy it anyway. I was in New Orleans Now land I was in Nala Yolans Then instead of saying where you at or where you're from they say yeah I'm not kidding. Yeah, yeah cab yeah cab driver. Yeah We flew in from LA. Oh that way yeah God, that's a tough accent. Huh? Can you master it New Orleans? Well Jumping ahead a little bit So I was at the airport and I wanted a little pop before I got on the plane because me no likey eight miles in the air and a Tube with two guys up front going So all the bars are packed because it's an afternoon fly And then I'm like, okay fuck it so I wander around the other side of the terminal In the middle of nowhere with no nobody around what's this little tiny bar with this very large Nala's man. No And he was so sweet and sanguine, you know with the sanguine sanguine I don't know what it means. I've heard it, but you know, it's kind of like so. Hey, how are you? You know, I'm doing okay I'm doing pretty good, you know, I mean gentlemen for you. He wanted to bring some food on the airplane You know, I said I wouldn't bring a poor boy with shrimp and hot sauce because that can get a little loud He's thinking yeah, but he said loud. No, I like that. Yeah, I live in a small one bedroom apartment I like very much and this yorky doll came available and I said, I oh I want that I want that yorky, but she was scared of me for about a month She just sat in a little bed looking like that now when I get home and I put the key in the door I hear her whimpering with joy That's kind of nice, you know, I mean What else he say so then like a box of chocolate so then we It's in in that area Good time I could get you the plastic cups on top and yeah, it's in the general area goes I got I got land in Mississippi. So after I'm finished here, I'm gonna build this house I did have a job where I was managing people, but it wasn't good for my brain So then the thing is we get on the plane in Nolans where we at and We found out the toilet is broken in the pointy part of the airplane The guy comes on sounds just like the bartender so we got on the stand up that lavatois out of here But we still got one on the back. So it's 160 people for five hours and It was kind of weird because the plane you start going back there man And it's all pitch black and everyone's like this and no one's talking It's and they're all frozen feel like in a science fiction movie Then you have to stand in the aisle for like 20 minutes. What's up? How you doing so you're waiting to take a shit Hey number one a number two well, you know the guys they're like reading a magazine You're like, oh, yeah, my thigh is on this guy's shoulder and my hands and another guy's mouth I'm like the aisles like this those aisles are getting skinnier. You have to die You can't just walk you have to kind of because everyone's got their elbow their knee out their foot up So I go back there Second time five hour flight That all happens earlier in the day. Well, I'll put a memo out later. You got that So then they bring the beverage cart down and it's halfway down it weighs a ton So I guess I'm trapped. So I just sort of stand in the aisle for about 20 minutes. Oh I thought you were bored with my story and you were set in a trap. Oh, yeah So a couple more so jazz fest is there was the weekend big-time jazz fest thing But I saw that some of the entertainers playing at the racetrack were pop stars So that Stevie nicks of Fleetwood really? Yes in jazz fest So I went over that I said I wondered if they had to kind of stylized their songs in a jazzy way I wasn't sure so Pauline on the racetrack and we're just looking she comes out and she's like Um Now there you go again You say you want your freedom? Oh jazz in it up, but who am I? To keep you down down down So I thought it was amazing then the Eagles came on well I Change here welcome Welcome To the to the to the hotel I've got a phone and I looked out of the crowd and they had left And wish nobody there Wait that happened that happened at stagecoach because you know LA does Oh, did a lot Coachella. Yeah, which is like Bieber and Billy. I'll yeah, and then and then stagecoach is pure country So that's the third weekend. So now It's turned into some rockers some rapper and it is it all turns into like just have a music festival because They don't think of the theme and then it's like, okay. Well, this person's famous through them and then bubble They do yeah It gets blurry like it gets a little brewery jazz fest. Are there any actual jazz players? I guess they're adapting like Stevie Nicks if they go there They're sort of tweaking it a bit if that's what you're saying, which yeah, Stevie probably was is they go again? He wants a freedom I Thought it was great. So anyway, I love Stevie Nicks. I hung out with her for jazz fest. So were you No, I was for be there. That's great. It was the Zurich company Insurance company fostering a big golf tournament that was on television Television and then also the jazz fest but Paul and I we tooled around we went we're up We went on the big red bus that went all around New Orleans, okay to the right is down You know that kind of thing We go there's a tour of these beautiful old houses and next stop so we got off the bus No one else got off. So it was just Paul and I and a really nice guy And named Colin But he sounded like George Carlin and he's walking us through all these Orlando houses. Yeah, this house came here by 1850 The Creole built most of it, but they didn't want anybody to know that The guy doing the tours This is those lights lighted up and that keeps the voodoo magic away You know why cuz nobody likes voodoo in their house It was like an hour and a half of that the voodoo that you do Yeah, I I do get scared of that stuff when I was in Nara Nara, yeah, no, oh, yeah, we did a movie there and I said I was at a pretty decent hotel and I go, oh There's a I Go where can I go eat? I go there's McDonald's cross street. He goes, you know what this is a pretty good neighborhood I wouldn't go out to the right and I go to the right of the hotel. He goes just go to the left I go there's McDonald's on that corner. It's not even a hundred yards. He goes don't go to that one He goes, there's one down there. And so from then on I never walked to the right even in the daytime He said I wouldn't do it. I'm like, so that is a bad neighbor. No, no, no It's yeah, there is that I mean out on the sidewalk There was a kind of a cool woman dancing with chakras You know and then we go up into our room and this is no joke not getting around here my None of my stuff works the laptop the phone And then Paula's phone brand new just goes to weird spooky Like wispy dial tone type stuff like noise like white noise and we open the window So we went to an Apple store that wasn't an Apple stores and apples it was a place that fixed phones You know, it had little bells on the door and it's really tiny Yeah, but they were able to fix it. They just picked it up went over to Not to do this. Yeah, it's been hexed and so they put it in a machine and it said Anti-voodoo hex machine which was like the old Batman TV show press the button ding Then it was fine. I like going in those they go. We're just gonna plug it in here and slurp out all your information And we'll give it back. Okay Yeah, I should have been warned because My doctor's nurse when I told her I was going to New Orleans. She said Oh Me and Heather already laughing. Oh You're going to New Orleans. I'm going to have to talk to the doctor. Oh, why? Yeah, cuz of the voodoo. Oh He can put a screen on you Make sure you bring an extra It doesn't work when the voodoo. Oh, I'm going to have to talk to David spade. Why why I don't know Like being the other guy against the secretary I love it Heather I told Dan on the break I go if wherever stuck all I wanted to do is just say what's the doctor's Secretary up to and then he just can go into it Well, by the way, I was just incredibly sweet person. She almost came to our gig up in Lincoln But it was just a Friday. I Chance to ask the doctor. There's too much traffic. I talked to the doctor He thought it was too far to drive on a Friday night So maybe she'll be at our next gig and Saratoga on June Beep beep or our gig this week mmm comedy festival Orfium theater. Oh Wednesday night That's a two days Dana at 6 p.m. So you can go to the show I have a couple pops go to the show and then eat dinner and afterwards 6 p.m. Show the Dana and I grill Chris rock about whatever we want Yeah, we just said we wanted probably we want one of the best comedians of the last 30 years And we put it in an AI and it came up Chris rock. So we call up Chris Time for my nourishment and nutrition Why are you suddenly a robot? Drinking vitamins What's your blood work look like when you do a lab? My labs come out pretty good by the way green all green or is some big The guy doesn't allow me to look at him. He goes like this Okay Love that Yeah, it's early the honor system. I have to trust him. Oh, here's something. Oh not to get you off But I wanted to do a pressure your doctor Am I doctor? Yeah No reason to bring that up, okay, ha it just you know enjoy your life. Okay, go ahead Okay, let me see Viagra that's an easy fix Okay, do you You have trouble living up a Avion bottles I do Use your legs. Oh How many times you get up in the night to go to the bathroom? 30 this says here it would be 300 is that possible Kevin Nealon who's gonna be on next week Kevin Nealon. He says He sleeps in the bathroom and gets up to just go back and lay down Now he goes about there more than he sleeps, okay We'll ask it. We're gonna unpack that when he's on the show. We're gonna unpack it. All right. What are you looking at? I was saying that there was that mishap with that President Trump had and The my angle on it is not really the whole situation. It was that I just picture Every school going do you have your manifesto ready? They're due this weekend Everyone is a fucking manifesto. I'm like, I don't have one to do a shit I have one just in case anything happens to me. How how do you define a manifesto? I mean, it is a funny word. It's a cool name. Yeah. Yeah, mine's a pamphlet right now The first time I heard manifesto, it's like a phone book, right? I think it was Ted Kaczynski. Maybe yeah, yeah Not to give you some Tim Kaczynski But that was the unit bomber was it? Yeah, the unit bomber wrote a manifesto Which basically I think was sort of like Reorientating being critical of the way society is organizing humanity is going about its business And here's a better way to do it. It's a manifesto like a call to arms if we could implement this immediately I will stop bombing people right I live in a cabin and I make homemade bombs But I think I got the brain pan to figure out what to do with society It's funny because sometimes those people are very smart, but it's they're socially awkward They're on the spectrum is what people say here's another thing I say about these people that are out there killing people It I know mental illness is a we've talked about this. It's very serious. We've talked about it But there's a certain point where you go. Oh this person got off because They're there they say they're insane. They can't they don't know what they're doing Well, I think if you're a serial killer no one's defending them. They're insane. I mean, they don't know They know something's wrong with them, right? Machine gun and shooting down into traffic is by definition Mentally, you're planning a killing every week for some women and you're like John Wayne Gase here one of these guys Or you're the BTK killer. So you're not you're not mentally You could say argue. They're not fit to stand trial. They don't understand sight That's not someone that gets it out there. How you're supposed to deal in the world, right? That's why it's conveniently used sometimes to get people off and sometimes You just say well if they're met that mentally, I don't let's say they don't go to jail You know put them in a rubber room somewhere, but don't get them on the streets again That's my only argue if I was on trial for something like that. I would just say look Before we start this whole proceeding. I feel terrible number one number two. I'll never do it again So I think we're ready to go. Let's save the taxpayer some money. What do you say? Yeah? I'm really doing it all for my own recognizance I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again. So bye-bye And when these horrible things happen, they go, oh, they but they're just not on the medication right now Well, when will they be because if they're not if they're gonna go stab someone not a make that's not our fault It's they're not it's just such a complicated issue Right because author meds they got to get the meds and then they stab the farmer now and then they can't get their meds They took away the source the real worst case scenario that's yeah where the system breaks down. Yeah He's already just gives meds. He'll throw the knife away, but That's all I say I like the word manifesto because it comes up a lot I know and I agree and I've I've been working on the one you should have something. That's it. That's all it is your manifesto Cocky whistler guy I Have a Hollywood story After your next story, let me tell you what I thought that last story is about this is this is something I do That means something when something is shaky Yeah, yeah, you can do it. Let me see you do it Can you do an octopus going across your screen probably not That's just visual don't we get a little I could do that but with better See they slurp up some they go backwards because it Here's an impressive of you eating clams at a restaurant I Here's me Here's me when I'm about to have sex the girl we're jumping over here and she's naked and I'm naked I walk up and I go Any allergies? Okay That's what the waiters Here's you post-coital with a robe on turning away from the fireplace to the bed where the woman is yeah I Give that after sex the slow clap the sarcastic clap Mmm, I go we're done here You accept any of my premises here's Dana Here's Dana after he takes the number two and he gets up and looks down and he goes This isn't over Here's you you're about to be on Artemis the next one that goes around the moon You're in your space suit you write at the door and you take your hat on your thing off go Yeah, not today, okay That's it not today here's you here's you when you're an Artemis going around the moon. I'm now an Artemis theme Yeah, you go Which is the one that doesn't work Because there's already a line for the one in the back and there's only three of us. So where's which is the pooper that works? It's going on the dark side of the moon scares me a little bit and I get nervous then I fuck him Everything ends with No, the people have religious experiences on the dark side of the moon the guy was up there on Artemis which by the way Trump has already named the next one to be called epic Artemis I know it's called Trump eponymous Trump he put his name in it if he's renaming it put his name on earth There's a movement this change the name of earth just to trough But uh, yeah people get religious out there when they see the sun Sound they get kind of so the guy came in the splash down got on the ship and talked to the chaplain because there's there a chaplain here On a ship because he was so moved by that he kind of got the idea You know just god it was beautiful planet all alone. Why can't we get along? Did he see all the buildings on the dark side of the movies moon all the UFOs and when they go inside the moon No, but he did see a small figure with little weird binoculars It was me Yes Instead of pumping bus boys you stowed away on Artemis too And parachuted down the lunar surface so you could harass the astronauts I'm gonna tell everyone a shot something about hollywood that they don't always know that I think dana kind of knows When you sort of get it you don't really get it, but you want to get it My hair gets it You get it, uh Some mobiles came out I thought it was good. She said this the gymnast the genius gymnast the gymnast Of course, I have no information on the story and it's a total lie, but continuing uh, she went to a let's say a premiere A met gal or something. I I think the met gala would be a little bit of a cheat. I think it's just a regular Big red carpet appearance. Okay, and she said you know what guys I want to stay home from now on because All in to doll me up 23 000 For the glam squad heather believes it. I believe it I used to know this uh young lady that worked for leno and she said glam is getting so expensive that we had one Really famous Female just asked for 20 grand for glam So you do the show and you get like 800 dollars To be on a talk show. Yeah Will you cover my glam? It's 20. That's No, it's stylist hair makeup Steam nails I don't know what you know to get ready for one Nikki glazer would be a good one to ask because she's going to a lot of stuff lately We should have her on again anyway, but Uh, oh, I'd love to I'd love to have nick back on she knows about it. So it's like crazy. I think the regular Average person. So samoan's basic point was like I can't keep going to these And parts of it are right off. I'm sure but you still have to pay it It's too much It's too much, but I'll tell you that seems inexpensive and I'll tell you why Okay, uh when j leno was still doing the tonight show kim kardashian Was on the show and afterwards j j didn't say it in a snarky way. He said yeah, it was 17 000 To oh, it was she looked every penny of it. Yeah You know what that's more this reminds me of I played a birthday party on the break And I'm like, what is this guy's birthday wish to watch me come bomb in front of his friends? Anyway, so I said You look good for he was 60 and I said, you know, you know what you don't want to hear from people They talk about someone they go he's 60 and he looks every bit of 60 The rudeness that means every day is accounted for there was a little wear and tear every fucking day They don't go you look 50 Every bit of it Yeah, you ever heard that? Oh, yeah, every bit of it. It's so rude Yeah, the rude way to say it. Hey, you look good For your age I go hide that guess what actor never wore makeup speaking of 17 000 dollars on television Or in film ever Nope Rob Rob Redford someone I worked with a long time ago. Mickey runy. Yes. No way. Mickey runy He runy again. Never wore makeup. You know, I don't wear makeup because makeup is for girls And had some logic to it. Yeah back then it was for sure for girls You know more makeup Judy Garland I guess all the actions You don't need to wear makeup David space You know what people don't realize when they say we look like shit in the comments. I shield you from this Dana I shield you I I'm pouring over the comments doing this. It's it's I've got a lot just It's like a live my live feed. Yeah, I just We don't wear makeup and they say Oh, you look rough more makeup. I'm like, we don't have any makeup Well, we we have I have ring lights Yeah, it's better than makeup. They call me ring ghost star. I walk around the ring light everywhere. Oh, I remember ring Oh, remember when we interviewed ring. Oh, he's our friend. I know he's in july Uh, we maybe we need to get to some stories. What do you think of that? Well? Yeah, and whenever you want me to do, uh Oh buzzing around you want to do it. You ready for it? Well, man, let's we'll get it out of the way Now it's time for buzzing around Sponsored by five hour energy with a wide variety of bold flavors to choose from That's right. You get as much caffeine as a 12 ounce premium cup of coffee But with zero sugar and zero sugar crash That sounds like buzzing find five hour energy shots online at five hour energy dot com or amazon today So Dana Carvey right here master of voices of something When I figured out I'll let you know he's gonna give us a scenario. Okay. We talked a little earlier and we're gonna have a little scenario here This is a little sketch. I have a couple cliff notes, but it is not written out So it might be a bit sloppy. You know, they're very messy, which I like Yes, so here's the premise in the future Because ai's gonna take over and we're gonna have robots, right? Sure the lab and robots in the house and housekeepers and gardeners all that good evening Mr. Carvey last thing will be an ai robot comedian and they will make those and they will base them on iconic comedians so and sooner or later Sooner or later these ai cyborg comedian robots Will screw up Order Order in the court. We're going right into it. Yeah J1000 You're accused of murdering 300 patrons at the laugh stop in her most sub-beach on november 7th How do you plead? Oh, you know guilty of course. I am guilty You're guilty you you you freely admit your guilt. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course You would you can't to explain yourself? It's actually very simple, you know, so So I was there in the green room, you know and um, you know Basically my handler mickey, you know, he's all he's my human guy and he just said before the second show He said j1000 Not come dead, right? So what the problem was is that my empathy chip was completely on the fritz and my logic chip wasn't working so well So I took him literally and I took this stool and I beat the hell out of all till they were dead Oh my gosh, so you have no remorse. Do you want to do the judge? So you have no remorse for the situation you'd kill the whole crowd No, I do it again in the same circumstances It was just because it was really mickey's fault because um, he's supposed to be keep tracking my maintenance And like I don't do my empathy chip and my logic chip were completely on the fritz This is starting to make more sense You know, I'll just say this to you honor, you know to be another be totally honest I think humans got to be a little bit more careful Case dismissed, you know, we all learned a lesson here today. I feel It's still the judge. All right. I know but okay. I'll we'll go back work. Okay. I'm not beating you right next to the stand Is the Sebastian 200 Okay, we're good. You are accused of violently throwing a man into the Beverly Hills hotel on July 9th How do you explain yourself? Well, I was sitting there poolside then this guy walks down in his sandals He starts clipping this Donaio's So I pick him up for woman depot I think I go like this in the pool Picked him up and throw him in the pool Yeah, two arms now you say and your chips were working and your chips were working at this time The chips were perfect your honor. Hmm. Hmm. Well, then this court has no recourse. No recourse, but to Dismantle you dismantle you You can This course this court has no recourse except to dismantle you piece by piece and take you down to the nubs Sebastian 200 you're gonna take me down to the nops That's what I just said. Take you down to the nubs Get him out of here bailiff johnny 500 Everyone's a robot. Yeah, so the judge is too. I was gonna I was gonna do the judge is Henry Fonda. Well, get him out of here You know like a AI who would be a great judge Henry Fonda That would help construction. We're gonna take you down to the nubs johnny 5000 take him away Uh, sorry Sebastian. Apparently we gotta take you down to the nubs Down to the nubs. That's right. Fuck face and scene. Whoa It's a little sloppy. No, that's great. You became the judge I did I tried to help and then I really hurt it a little all work on it and bring it back for another edition of Buzzing around There it is that was buzzing around if you didn't know it's sponsored by 500 tasty caffeine flavors Enjoy big flavor in a tiny bottle. Mm-hmm five-hour energy shots pack the flavors of the season portable two ounce shot Whenever there's a five hour energy, I'll be there Wherever people are taking five hour energy to give them five hours of energy. I'll be there That's my Henry Fonda online at five our energy.com or amazon today. I don't even slow down for you I just buzzed right over you Buzz buzzing over me. No, I I I did it. It was good great. Come on, man Who else I'm gonna work on that and put it my stand up Okay, what oh, let's get to some stories. Yeah, we're in our second hour. Let's see what this is. Oh, this is funny Wait a second ready. This is that cop show Arrest this guy. Yeah, what what what's the point? Your name is This is real. Yeah This guy's pretending to be you Go see it Well, I love the whistle That's what they added to it the guy but it's funny because it's a real cop show where they just arrest people live And the guy goes they would fade. I don't get that. We buzzed boys coming out this weekend and the guy's like So after a while they go you're not him Oh Heather has a special whistle she does that they do when we go to um storage Your family whistles to find each other Oh my god, it's oh, it's how to get their dog back from the woods Does whistling come across she does the real one Uh with these minds people I think hate the whistling it's too loud. Well, I think you have to get it further away You know this water drop is really a whistle That's pretty how long did you practice to get that but it's really just a whistle on You know what I mean? No, it's something more than that I mean I No, it's not like you could probably do it in a couple thousand if I didn't have a life. I'd have time Yeah, here's you at midnight in your mansion By the way, you asked me the other day that bullet train in california. What's the latest tally? It was 100 billion It's up to 230 now You could make the desert warrior movie Oh full sir. I like it Ah, it's not even political. It's no one's fault if you have an unaccountable monopoly that has no competition Unlimited money, you know, hello, we could use more money for the train right away, sir you know, so Disfunction is normal of government who's ever in power. So we have to hold it to account But 200 billions getting a little thirsty as you would say governors of states Are like CEOs, but they would get fired if they were like CEOs So if you just say hey, I don't know where this money is. Hey, we've tacked on our billing I don't want to pay for this thing. They want me to pay for it by myself I just agree that the train is going slow your honor. I mean we we have 12 tracks laid Of course, it's been 200 billion, but there's been some local fires some flooding and well I think we're right on track. We will be able to build five miles of train track for true two trillion dollars You got a problem like that, bro I know nothing you could do they they always show a comparison like china built a train across the whole godland country in like Two years for a billion you know So someone knows how to do it Well, china could just go go around in a truck with a bullhorn Attention everyone leave your home drive five miles east and begin building the home beginning building. Yeah All we need is 25 million people in the next hour. Leave your homes immediately. See I didn't do a chinese accent No, not ruin it. Oh wait a minute quick japanese guy on an earthquake. Oh boy Happy There comes a tremor. Oh, he's confused I'm sure it's nothing Oh I like when your computer goes blank Yeah, where are we now? I just it's all black around my screen. Can you see me? Let's do another story Yeah, we overloaded these stories. I guess I know it's so funny though Okay, let's see if this is funny. Okay. What wait. Oh, there's a new invention edible water Oh edible water is an edible water bottle meet uho a revolutionary solution to single use plastic These water blobs are made from seaweed that are designed to hold water in a natural edible case I might have one in your mouth bite down and enjoy a refreshing burst of water And it's a hundred percent biodegradable breaking down in weeks if not consumed unlike plastic bottles that take centuries The company is working to break the market marking a major step forward in the fight against blobs Um, that's great. Yeah, what's the name? I'm just thinking of the brand name. What do they call it seaweed water? I mean, is there a better name than that? I'd call blobs. I call we see what weed blob I'd call blob you'lls Um Hey dain, we're going on a drive grab a couple blobs for the road Are you thirsty, honey? We were just walked across the desert. Of course not. I took a seaweed blob It was a half an ounce of water. Do you have any blobs on you dude? I'm dying. I got caught in my Oh, don't jelly down your throat jam it Okay, that's that's the byline the commercial lady last week. Oh, that's right. What's the difference? What's the difference? They don't care about the creelos. I finished the joke. She goes What's the difference I go between bad breath and halitosis? Bad breath and halitosis those are two towns because she's right here I smell like fucking malibu rum mixed with coke or rc cola. I'm like See if you get this joke because I did it as red red neck and Confused who red red neck either red rec comedian, you know, okay? Yeah I I just got back from oozing sore Mississippi Friends says how are the folks doing down there? They are dabbing cotton It's ooze and sore meaning oozing sore Mississippi so the whole town has oozing sores. How are they doing down there dabbing cotton? I got it That doesn't work for that corporate crowd I don't do red red necky for you know like proctor and gamble. Can you see this wrinkled in it? Where is it other than this side There's a wrinkle in this jacket when I bought it. Would you have bought it? I shouldn't have bought it I said there's wrinkly go that's normal it comes out in two seconds. This is honestly four years ago You didn't wasn't one of your specials my so-called problems No, my fake problem my fake problem. So you're doing a perfect impression of that special This is it's a wrinkle down and it looks so weird and so I never wear stolen From the shoot is everybody from the 50th anniversary new yorker magazine shoot where you sell this walk Yeah I repeat myself a little now. I remember so but yeah this this is a gap t-shirt You want one with the pocket? They fit better. What do you put in the pocket? Nothing just like a Nothing a compass from school No, everything your phone a little heavy Normally, I do have a puffy jacket that's very lightweight and that's my man purse Paula tried to get me A thing that I would put around like a I look like a mailman from England all my stuff in there I left it in every car every cab, you know, but if I have a zippy jacket like that I get wallet cell phone keys and stuff in oh you have a merch stuff pockets because if you have it somewhere It can fly out it'll fly away. Oh, you're gonna put your stuff in your breast pocket. It'll fly out I'm gonna have to talk to the doctor. Oh the doctor says don't put your iPhone next to your heart. It's too close Yeah, that's true. That's a start with oh Does she laugh at this joke or not? I don't know if she knows it. I mean it's It's so funny. It's a count. It's an homage Uh, like I said, she's just the nicest person in the world But it's like could I get that med this month? Oh, you are. No, just the meanest. I'm going to have to talk to the doctor I never really got you. I never really worked on. I just said hey, buddy But I don't really have a perfect there's not much of a personality here to deal with It's sort of flat lining. No, you've got your hooks You know you you're stand up kind of like the way you move around and like I was like you're like You know, she's like boozy Little little effects little effects. It's very entertaining dude. I walk into a room now like I'm fajitas. I'm like, what's up? I got that sizzle That's sizzle. Yeah, you're on fire today. We should put a fire emoji up Fuckin spade fajitas. You are presenting today. You you are not phoning it in at all. Oh, shit It's late. All right. We'll do one more story. Yeah, even if we had way too many hours And then we have yeah, we got a lot more to push them. We got a lot of ads My hair got higher during this. I know people like your hair being high Oh Go ahead. Oh this was about a brewery was gone. This is oh ballsy of this guy This is kind of a brewery company admits they would give away free beer if a president was successfully assassinated how fucking How completely and absolutely mentally ill are these people It is kind of that guy should get his own show or at least get him high. He does like a podcast napoli dynamite Impression. Oh, I love that movie. Um, so this brewery guy got in trouble Of course, you can't go too far one way the other it's just You know free beers if he gets shot I know I know and they get even weirder if there's some kind of bomb attack in uh Nova Scotia would give you give you a round of onion rings. I mean there's rewards for all different kinds If there's a tidal wave in singapore, you go all get free pizza That's poly market these people that bet on stuff you can bet This is a way to get the rest of the world in on gambling You can bet on almost anything like when is taylor swiss wedding, you know, there's a lot of just day to day Things that aren't sports. So now everyone can be addicted to gambling But i'm sure one of them is and you can bet on anything if the iran if they Open up the hermoos straight of hermoos straight of hermoos It's an incredible name. So who I whatever pirate or whoever it was centuries ago looked out and said i'm going to golly The straight of hermoos Who is the guy because your name is steve hermoos. Is that why you're naming it that was a landcaster that goes hermoos How does he do no, kirk douglas? Yeah, i'm gonna call it the straight of moose What do you think but I think that's a fine name? Straight of whole moose I read that a lot of the trump cabinet You know, you get to be in the cabinet of the administration They're living on military bases a lot of them for protection You finally got your dream your secretary of the interior now drop for 20, bitch. Oh, no Give me them potatoes. You're working this off. They're in boot camp all the time But they gotta be in a they gotta be in a well, they gotta be in a military base. We're putting them in What kadeesh How many things does kadeesh for you represent so saluting is a kadeesh What else is a kadeesh dinner with nick swartz and then we just Make that noise the whole we pick up our chops take kadoosh kadeesh Guy you and nick i was i was there nick is a mental case. He's you guys must he's He puts a story on instagram maybe every day about me and just makes fun of me Let's have him on I know we should have him on again. He wants to go again for his tour came on maybe a little while ago So he can come back. Of course. He's a friend of the show. He's a funny mofo All right, dana. I gotta go. So just let me walk to my car and then you stay on Yeah, i'm gonna stay on i'll stay on and then i'll close the laptop by doing this Kadeesh Hey, see I can learn you've learned. All right. Thanks guys Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast what you are Be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us review five star rating And maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend if you're watching this episode on youtube, please subscribe We're on video now Fly on the Wall is presented by autosie and executive produced by dana carvey and david spade heather san toro and greg holtzman matty sprung keiser And lea riz denis of autosie our senior producer is greg holtzman and the show is produced and edited by phil Sweet tech booking by cultivated entertainment special. Thanks to patrick fogerty evan cox mora current melissa wester hillary schuff Eric donnelly colin gainer Sean cherry kurt courtney and loren vieira Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show We've been email us at fly on the wall at autosie dot com. That's a u d ac y dot com