260: A Disgusting Session & Poke the Bear (with Lamorne Morris)

This episode is sponsored by the great Squarespace. We love Squarespace here at the show. We are constantly using Squarespace to build different websites for the show that support the show, that support or corroborate some of the show's BS. Again, we've never promised we're very good at giving advice, but Squarespace helps corroborate what we're going for. We have a new website that's not for us, it's for hot takes. Some members of the community have written in. We've been on an email chain, and they wanted to start a website. And we wanted to do it for hot takes. So this is a Squarespace-made website. Squarespace offers tons of stuff. They offer cutting-edge design. So your website is going to look cool, beautiful, dare I say. SEO tools, search engine optimization. It's important. It's how people find you. You've got your domain recommendations, donations, videos, subscriptions. They are offering all this stuff on their website. So go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you are ready to launch, use offer code GILLSENTME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. This is a HeadGum Podcast. We're here to help. And we are back. Garrett, this is a special one. This is a special one. This is our first Hulu episode of season three. Hulu, welcome to the family. We're excited to be here. People just finding the show on Hulu. Maybe you're starting here. Maybe you're starting on the back catalog. I believe there's going to be about 20 of the back. That's going to be rotating. All of our new episodes are going to be here, and then the back catalog will keep changing. You can also find us on YouTube for other episodes as you're catching up because we got about 250 of these. It's been a long journey. Yeah, 25 at a time. Or you can listen on audio, whatever you want. but I want to say to the Hulu family that also has a new girl that also did my movie self-reliance, um, that also has a new project that is yet to be announced. Uh, we're happy to be here. This is a perfect home for us. And we thank you guys for partnering with us. Yeah. Very excited. We've been waiting for this for a minute and it's great that it's here. I mean, I don't even know how you encapsulate the journey that's gotten us to here, But we should just point out that if anyone is sitting there wondering why us, there's no real good answer for that other than we are good at giving advice like drunk uncles. Yeah, I thought you meant the— No, no, why do we help? Why are we the helpers? No. No, the premise of the show to anybody new is that if you were to walk in, if you had a problem, something you'll see on the calls today, but something really serious to you. The calls today are a great example of what this show does, but really serious to you, but maybe not serious to others. You can't take a straight line to the fix. If you could, you would. But so you go to a bar to sit down with a couple of blood uncles or fake uncles or people you rely on. Drunks. You get a couple of drinks, you tell the problem, and they go, let me tell you how to fix this. Yeah. And then on our show, what ends up happening is people take the advice and do it in real life. And the results matter. We obviously crack a lot of jokes, but the callers are the star of the show, and it matters what happens. If we solve it, we have a bell we ring. And like you said, I mean, today is a perfect encapsulation of our small problems that are big to the callers. and so I gotta say even though this is short and to the point and what you guys are gonna find out a lot of this show is we riff around we talk and we do too many bits because we're 20 year friends and it happens but for now what I would like to say is welcome to the show welcome to the community we got some real weird stuff going on Gareth is going to get a vasectomy I'm going to adopt some chimpanzees. We're going to try to get people in the community to buy hats so they're also, so we are chimp parents. I'm not going to bring the chimps to my house. No. Elvis Presley was scatter. I won't be making any children, but we will be saving a lot of chimps. Every chimp we adopt, I want the community to also be the moms and dads. We're going to have a lot of chimps. Gareth is going to snip his nuts. You're taking it in the chimp nuts direction. We had a good focus going. I think you said you were going to keep it short, and then you started to do the— I was about to keep it short, but then I started. Also, there's a woman whose husband needs a new kidney, and we got about nine people who have volunteered in this community, Gareth, to give their kidney. That is shocking. There's a lot going on. One last thing. Also, to the New Girl fans who are watching this, there's a real chance Lamorne and I are going to compete on Wheel of Fortune. My mother is over the moon with this news, by the way. It's fun. It's very exciting. And I'm very dyslexic. I walked up last night. I'm going to do very bad. How do you, do you point that out at the beginning? No. Do you say, no, you just let it rip. I'm just going to live and shit. I'm going to lose. I'm going to be humiliated. I'll lose. It's long though. It's the celebrity ones at hours. So you have a lot of. Oh, it is? Yeah. And there's like a couple different final rounds. So. It's going to be bad. No, it's a good thing. Okay. All that money is going to be going to the chimp sanctuaries. Another thing for people who are new to the show, those who know the show are going to go, we know Gareth's mother and I are in a long-term sexual relationship. Wrong. It doesn't say sexual. You're doing that because Hulu's here. No. There's something going on with me and Pam. There's nothing going on. You're married and have two kids with a completely different woman. What did you have? It's just ridiculous to just toss to me like it's going to be a regular. I'm in love with your mother. Shush. Yeah, my son. Quiet. She's beautiful. Enough. You're a teenage boy. Stop it. Grown man. Your mother and I are in love, don't you want her happy? You said stop. Enough. Agreed. Don't say agreed when you're doing the thing. Go ahead. I'm trying to. What I was going to say, Jake, is it's a whole new pool of people with problems. That's true, actually. That we might want to solve. I mean, we have a whole new audience now, so we should tell them that helpfulpod at gmail.com. If you have a problem that is important to you, email the show. We'll bring you on the show. We pretty much solve every problem. It might not end up that way, but by the end of the call. But we're at about a 70-30 success rate. It's pretty good. Gareth used to think we were at a 15% success rate. No, it wasn't. Is that what you thought? No, it was like, my guess was abysmal, but I was catering to what I thought everyone else's guess was going to be. All right, so everybody, thank you for joining us. We hope you enjoy this as much as we enjoy making it. We're not going to stop. We love it. We are so thrilled to be here. I'm in love with Gara's mom. And without further ado, enjoy the show. I mean, you ruined the end of that. and we're brought to you by cachava uh look i love cachava people i've heard comments people are saying i say cachava too much when we do these ads uh i love cachava that's why my father he just had uh ankle surgery and he was like i need a protein powder can you order me a protein powder. I was like, buddy boy, he said he wanted a strawberry one. I was like, buddy, would you just, I said to him, would you just shut up and let me order you some cachava? It's an all-in-one nutrition shake crafted with the highest quality ingredients. It provides clean nutrition to fuel whatever your day takes you. It's got no fillers. It's no nonsense, no artificial flavors, colors, or sweeteners, non-GMO, no soy, no animal products, no gluten, and no preservatives. I like all of that. I do the vanilla. I do the chocolate. Toss in a little cold brew. Tastes good. And I like it. Normally, I'll make a spinach smoothie, and spinach is disgusting. To just drink spinach is disgusting. But you use cachava, and you're like, that's delicious. It's a whole body meal with plant-based protein that actually tastes delicious. I can vouch for that. Just two scoops provide 25 grams of protein, six grams of fiber, greens, adaptogens, and so much more. All the good stuff your body craves in six flavors. You got chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, coconut acai, and strawberry. Again, I'm a chocolate and vanilla guy, but baby girl, baby boy, you do you. So stick to your wellness goals. Go to cachava.com and use code here to help for 15% off. That's cachava, and I'll keep saying it. K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com. Code here to help. K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com. Code here to help. And we're brought to you by Walden University. For over 50 years, Walden University has helped working adults turn ambition into action through flexible distance learning. Today, our mission is simple, provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change. Walden is where the students go to get the W. They're big and small wins with 100 different degrees and certificates. It's never been easier for students to find a program that matches their goals, graduate degrees in nursing, social work, counseling, and psychology, as well as undergraduate certificate programs. Walden empowers students with the skills and the confidence to get it done. They call it tempo learning because you're in control. So there's no weekly deadlines and no rigid schedules. It's just the flexibility towards your degree at your own pace. Like I said, if you have a little bit of time, Walden. That's why we work with them. Walden University set a course for change certified to operate by Chef. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, we love Squarespace. We use Squarespace on the show. I use Squarespace in my real life. All my websites, I have a bunch of them. They've been doing it for a long time. I've been working with Squarespace for a while because they are the best. It's how you build your own brand. They give you all the tools. They also give you ways to showcase what you're offering to people. So that when people come to the website, they go, oh, whoa, this person's legitimate. So my personal website, garethreynolds.com, Squarespace. My film, giveitupfilm.com, Squarespace. Everything is Squarespace. They have it all. They just keep growing and getting better because they know they're dominating and they know they're the only place to go. So they keep offering everything. So go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code. gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain hello hi hello hello can everybody hear you yeah yep hi can we get your name please hi uh um i'm going to go with uh betty uh just for uh reasons you said betty i mean that's the That's the worst start to a call yet Are you a stripper? So Betty Where are you calling from Betty? I'm calling from Track from Czech Republic Wow This is our first Caller from the Czech Republic This is a big one Betty And Betty how old are you do you mind me asking? I'm 35 35 and you got a special one You got Gareth and I of course But then you got a one of my brothers from another mother a guy who we've admitted to saying I love you to Mr. Lamorne Morris has joined the pod Betty she's so excited my we're here to help All Star I think the audience is too probably remember for a while I had that photo of you up on the wall this is the house that Lamorne built Betty what can we do for you today Okay, so I've got this problem. I'm a primary school teacher, and the school is really, really small, and I'd like you to give me an advice how to talk naturally to the parents that I had a sex dream about. Oh, my God, Betty. Okay, I'm going to paraphrase this question. She teaches kids. How does she talk to one of the parents that she had a sex dream about while seeming normal? Is that right, Betty? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, that's correct. There were more parents involved. Whoa. You had an orgy. Betty, explain us what this dream was. Actually, can you just explain to Lamorne for a little bit with this dream? And slowly, walk everyone in. You want details. Betty. You want details. Yeah, Betty, I want the details. Lamorne shows yours. Start to finish. So there are multiple parents, and you've had sex dreams about all of them. there were two parents included in the dream and one of they were actually not from the same family one was a woman one the other one was a man and yeah it's it's all really like confusing messed up but it happens to me from time to time so i suppose it will happen in the future as well so i want to be ready because when I meet these parents, I tend to giggle or get really nervous. And so I want to work with that. You know, Betty, I believe in the cosmic universe and I believe that we are all connected. So when we dream, we're actually showing a connection, especially if you dream about a particular person. What you are doing is showing the link between you and those people. What if I were to tell you, Betty, that those parents have had sex dreams about you. Because I can tell you, as a dad, as a father of what? Let him cook, Jake. He's going to work. We were cooking and then you went a real weird turn. Because she's having sex dreams about the kid's parents. Okay, go on. But as a father, I sometimes... That's all it took? I sometimes, you look at the teachers like, oh, okay. Oh, okay. Sometimes that teacher got a little... You know what I'm saying? I'm begging you to be careful because your daughter is still in school, and they might be listeners. They might be listeners. Unless you're actually making a move right now. No, I'm not making a move, but occasionally, you know what I'm saying, you might look at them a little differently. Does your vibe change? No, no, no, no. Okay, you keep it together. I keep it together, because I will never do that, but I'm just saying, Betty wants to do that, I can tell. Well, Betty, do you want to have sex with these people, or is it just an unconscious sex dream? No, I don't want to have sex with them in real life I don't mind having these dreams It's fun, I don't think it's problematic for me But it tends to get in a way when I talk to these parents It gets uncomfortable, doesn't it? Yeah, a bit, a bit Because you see, the school is really close The parents are really close there I'm on friend terms with them on first name basis and my son goes there as well. Oh, you're also a parent. That is different, Betty. I'm also a parent. And actually, sometimes we meet for play dates. Are you married? Yeah, Betty, what's going on at home? Betty, are you married? Yeah, I am. You guys like pineapples? Yeah, honestly. Put an upside down one on your nose. Does your partner know about these sex dreams? Fair question. Pardon me. I didn't get it. Does your partner, does your husband or wife, do they know about these sex dreams? Oh, actually, it came after I got the email. I felt obliged to tell my husband. Because you're going to be on the show. Very smart. Very well played. You're like this Hey by the way I've been having sex dreams about all these parents I'm going to be on a podcast He goes what is going on I told you everything I'm not guilty you're guilty And so the question That I'm just going to And correct me if I'm wrong Betty But it's you've said you've had Other sex dreams about other parents So this is something that happens Is it always a three way Parents change It's never the same person. Okay. And so when somebody's currently in, let's call it your library, when you see them, do you get feelings and giggles as if you guys had an actual shared connection? I think the persons that appear are mostly the parents that I a bit nervous about like in normal life So I think it's a bit of... It's a way to process nerves. Now let me ask you a quick question. Exactly. Okay. So Betty, just one more question now as a doctor. The people you have dreams about, do you also kind of want to fuck them? Oh, pardon me? The people you Lamorne could you The people you have dreams about You do want to have sex with them Yes Well no No I don't want to have I don't want to have sex with them IRL In real life I think I'm not attracted to them Oh you're not attracted to them No No Interesting That's why you have a carousel Do you have sex dreams Of people you're not attracted to I've definitely been I've definitely had sex with people I'm not attracted to in my dreams. And in real life, to be quite honest. As I was saying that, I was realizing. That's what I thought you were going to say. Yeah, it's not just dreams. That's happened regularly. But is this a normal thing? Because I've obviously had sex dreams. I'm always attracted to the person. I've never dreamt, I've never had sex with somebody in my dream that I woke up and went like, I'm not attracted to him. Have you? No, but I know what's happening here. What's happening? And I don't want to mess up anything she's got going on at home. This isn't going to, hey, Betty, can Lamorne speak freely? he thinks it might damage your husband's ego in terms of the reputation. I don't think it will because I know Lamorne, but are you okay to hear it? Uh-huh. She does want to have sex with him, but she's protecting herself from the husband who she knows is going to listen, who she already told about. So because she has, what it is is she has a fantasy about work, about the work sex life because you know what I mean? Like you have a student parent teacher conference. The kids go outside and play. And then before you know it, you got the husband just sitting there, just, just, just looking all fatherly. Yeah. And, but there's also another mom. Yeah. Because that's, that's when it gets weird. Right. That's when it gets strange. It's already weird because it's in the school. Because it's in the school. That's when it's a crime. You know what I'm saying? Which is gross. And it's dangerous. So some people like the thrill. It's real bad. Yeah. But some people like the thrill. Right. I think Betty likes the thrill. I think you're kind of taking the reins of this and making it personal. Yeah. But you're really making about Betty, yeah? No, it's not about me. It's not about me. It is about you now. But because every time I think about having sex, what? Never mind. No, go ahead. No. Go on. Every time you think about sex, what? With a teacher. There we go. Yeah, because you said that before, you get turned on my teachers. Yeah, yeah, because when I was a student, the teachers never wanted to fuck me. And I was like, what? Because you were a little boy. We're going to go back to Betty. Hey, Betty, back to you, please. So now just please, please, please be honest, because Prague's an old city in a beautiful old country. We can't deal with modern laws. Do you kind of want to have sex with these people? 10% of you. Well, okay. So they are not unattractive. Okay. Okay. Now we're being a little bit more honest. Not unattractive means. Go ahead, please. But they are not my types. Yeah. The pattern is that I've realized that I sort of feel intimidated by these parents. And I think it's my way of coping with them because, like, you know, the thing is when you are nervous about somebody, you should imagine them naked. So, yeah. You're going further than that, though, Betty. Yeah, you're going further. Yeah, but also our subconscious doesn't do that trick. That's the whole imagine everybody in their underpants. But, Betty, I think partly if you're intimidated by people, it could just be a sexual power play. That your unconscious is going, this would be fun. Now, again, that's not necessarily what this call is about. The only reason we're exploring this is, one, it's pervy, and two, it might help the pitch. And it's enjoyable. And it's enjoyable. It's a great call. With your accent, with everything, the idea of a teacher being attracted to parents that have dreams about three ways, it just feels there's a lot of- It's awesome. It's an awesome problem. Thank you, Gary. Betty, you have an awesome problem. You have a hot, awesome problem, and it probably sounds great. But it just sounds awesome, and it feels like, well, now we just want to know more about the teacher. So if we're prying in any direction you don't think this call is about, feel free to say pass yeah but i do think my guy lamorne was on to something and now that we're hearing the nerves were involved and the only reason i ask this is because i do think it'll change the pitch but if you're like i i'm not they're not my type i don't want to leave my husband for them but yeah the idea of having a three-way in here while i'm getting paid by the public school and the fucking little brat kids are outside and no one knows but i got that mom i got that dad. I got that dad over there filming it. I got that mom over there doing sound. Film it. Doing sound. That's a whole production. I mean, just podcast production level. You just gotta set up a camera and hang some lights. It's dream porn. Which we've all had. But so, Betty, and if it's not there, we can stop pushing. Is there any smoke near this fire? Is there anything we're getting close to, or is this a totally different thing? I think it's quite a different thing. I've never had these intentions or... Okay. No. I'm digging really deep in my... Let Lamorne make his final thing and then we'll move on. Lamorne. Betty, I already love you, Betty. And I see what's happening here. You called because you don't know. So for you to say that you don't think that that's what it is... Gaslight in. Betty, I don't think you know what it is. I, because you don't know, because it's so dark, allow us to illuminate your path. Betty, you a freak. You a freak. Betty, you a freak. He's talking about himself again. And you don't, and you, and you probably in your regular life, you hold yourself with such posture and you, and you're so polite and you probably are the most beloved person in your community. He's talking about himself. But what they don't know, Betty, they don't know, Betty, is that you got a dungeon in that brain. okay you and your husband be doing wild stuff in that dungeon and you trying to explore you ready to break out you ready to bust loose okay and i and i just think you don't want to say it you don't want to say it because of your stature in the community looking in the mirror not a little bit yeah i was waiting for you to say betty wanted emmy so betty is any of that and then we'll move bone. And the only reason I say this is Lamorne is a great guest helper because he gets to the fucking center sometimes. Is this at all? Are we all there or no? If we're not there, let's move on. But Betty, you're freaking the sheets. I'm not ashamed for having DJs, but I just don't want to be all giggly and unprofessional when I meet Sarah. Well, I know how to fix that. All right, the morons got to pitch this. So we are going to not talk about what you're attracted to, if this is real. We're just going to get you to not be so giggly around them. Don't say fuck them. Go. Okay, so here's what you do, right? What the parents sometimes do with the teacher at our school, when my kid goes to, is we'll have, like, a very casual hang. It's not a parent-teacher conference, but we hang out. All the parents come. It's at, like, 7 p.m. There'll be, like, wine, cheese, you know, but the teachers are there with the parents, right? A little alcohol can expose some things I think what you need to do Wrong bitch No listen No listen No no no Get drunk This is about bitch Make it happen Here's what I'm saying She said that there is a power dynamic Yes But when everybody's drinking the same wine Now we're talking You're breaking down walls here You're breaking down walls So she's no longer uncomfortable Because people start getting personal You don't know their personal lives So when you know a little bit of a It might change the attraction It might change it a little bit You might go Ooh Benny that's smart You might need to even cyber stalk them a little bit. Get the fantasy out there and find out things you definitely don't like. Yeah, just know. You have to know these people. Because right now there's an imagination about who they are, which is causing the intimidation. This is interesting because what that would do is right now your brain's going, I'm not attracted to them, but I kind of want to dream fuck them. And then you're like, oh, there they are. They were great in my dream fuck. Look at their Instagram. Look at all their photos and go like, I hate this guy. Yeah. Well, you're saying you think it's based on intimidation. So that is a way to get unintimidated. I would even add to Lamorne's pitch, what if you brought like some sloppy food there and you got to watch these people be gross eaters? I like that. Because when you see someone eat disgustingly, it does change things. So like our version would be Sloppy Joe's. If I watched someone I was attracted to mildly in my dream eat a Sloppy Joe, that could flip the switch. It would change it. Buffalo wings. You know, mine was the first thing I wrote down, and this is actually close to Gareth, and you could combine them. And this is going to sound like I'm doing a bit here, but I truly think this would work because I know it would work for me. Betty, they have those things where they have like fart bombs. Interesting. Stink bombs. Yep. Before they come in, release a stink bomb. There's fart spray. Fart spray. Yeah. So what you smell when you see them is shit. You're eliminating a sense. Terrible idea. When they walk in and they go like, hi, they don't smell it. I can get her some fart spray. I got too much. Just spray it right by your own nose before. Or put something disgusting in your nose. Spray it in the doorway. That's terrible idea. Why? They will smell it. Yeah. Then they'll go like this. Yeah, she farted. No. Then they're going to take their kids out of the school. Because of a teacher farting? Let me tell you what I don't want. Let me tell you what I don't want. A woman teaching my kids how to be respectful, proper, how to do this, do that. What are they getting? A cotillion? I'm just saying. A teacher. School. You ought to be educated Yeah yeah yeah No no no A school They spend more time With their students With their teachers And with their friends Than they do at home I don't care If a teacher farts I do Because when I walk in I go This This bitch can't control Her bowels She's like a pig She smells like a barn She can't control Her goddamn bowels I actually agree If I walked in And it smelled like Straight up shit And she acted normal I'd be like I couldn't Yes I might get here There's flies flying around What if she said to you I think you need to Use the bathroom Oh, let out with they farted. Yeah, you make it seem like them, so it solidifies the... Betty, do you have a dog? I don't have a dog. I was going to say bring dog shit in. And then when they come and go, my dog just shit in here and throw it out. I got to say, these are terrible ideas. We are sniffing around something. Because I really think what would nip it in the bud, I really think you just got to put them in a room, be as casual as... Get to work with people she had a dream fuck with. Yes. The alcohol worries me. You're breaking down the walls of who these people are. They're just people. I agree with this. They are just people. So, Betty, early on in the pitch, I just want to go to you for a second. We've got this idea of fart smells. We've got gross food like a sloppy joe, which I think is really good. Or like, you know what a buffalo wing is? How you have to eat with your fingers. It's disgusting. Then Lamorne's got his get to know them so you see their flaws. Either get drunk with them, which I think is a dangerous move. or stalk them, internet stalk them. Early on, what are you thinking of the things you're hearing from us? I think I kind of like a mix because the easiest thing about this is that we have end of school year parties where there's alcohol present and also food made by the kids. So it looks disgusting and it's not well made. Perfect. And yeah, so that's really doable. That's perfect. And I only have to wait like five months. So everything, well, that's too, but by the way, that's too long in my opinion. I'm going to pitch something and I know I'm going to get teased as it's a bad pitch, but I actually don't think it's a bad pitch. I want you to masturbate about them again, but have like a really bad session. Again? I don't think she did the first time. The dream is a version of masturbating. Dreams are masturbation. Are you masturbating during this dream? No, but her brain is masturbating. But you don't know. What if she said? Hell yeah. Betty, are you masturbating while dreaming? Because then you're not dreaming. That's called fantasizing. No, I'm like close to unconsciousness when I dream. That's exactly how everybody is besides Lamorne. Lamorne refers to fantasies as dreams in any masturbates. No, you said masturbate. I know, but then you said, did she masturbate while she's dreaming? And I said that's physically impossible because she's asleep. No, no, no, no. You don't know what your hands are doing. That's what I mean. this is a you thing. Because when you're dreaming, sometimes you're still like, eh. Yeah. That's you masturbating. I've caught myself before. I've caught myself. I've walked out on myself. What are you doing? Yeah, you're a dirty dog. Jesus, you're a dirty dog. You live at work. Referring to yourself as a dirty dog while masturbating is wild. Yeah, you're disgusting. Get out of here. All right, just finish. So here's my, an honest pitch. Put them in a conscious fantasy that really grosses you out and goes sideways so that your unconscious is saying, I just had this weird experience with them. Your conscious brain is going like, I don't want to. So when you see them, you've already had a full relationship with these people and it's now over. So it's like... It is perfect. Thank you. Wow. You really think that's perfect? Betty, we're all shocked by what you just said. Wait, Betty, please, you talk. Pardon, say again? So you said that was perfect. did you mean that? And if so, elaborate on what you're thinking of doing to heighten that. And if that's going to work, why do you think that would work for you? Yeah, I think it's perfect that I will intentionally think about something really unthinkable about him. Now I get what you mean about the giggly stuff. I will spoil it. I will spoil my I will spoil my past memories with them. So, yes. And I really I really appreciate the thought that you said it is actually about about power imbalance. It's actually really, really deep and I thank you for this. You're very welcome. Thank you for saying it. No one's ever said that to me in my life. Yeah, that is it. It's crazy. We need more Prague College. It means a lot. I'm actually going to start crying. I've been going for this for a long time. It really just hit home. Thank you. So, been considered stupid since I was younger. They took me out of fourth grade and put me in a room with a guy who was 35 years old in overalls with a beard. It's a true story. I said, like, these are adults. And my mom said, you're not going to that room anymore. Don't tell anyone. You're just lazy. Betty, back to you for a second. Will you walk us through the fantasy you're going to do tonight? What time is it in Prague? Yeah. I think that we will start really nicely. It will be a date maybe some in a restaurant with a glass of wine and then I think they will burp or do something really disgusting, physical What else could they do that would be Betty, while you're doing this I want you to be round three of masturbating. So I don't want this to be like this. I want you to be in the throes of it. And then the guy in your defense, all of a sudden he burps and you're like, what are you doing? I'm trying to finish. You might need to send your husband out of town for a week. He will fine. Tell me, keep watching TV in the other room. So, but Betty, so he's going to burp, keep going. That's disgusting. Especially in that moment. Keep going. Yeah. Maybe something could fell out of their mouth. or like they can do. No. Or they have food on the corners of their mouth while talking. Yeah. How about bad breath? Yeah. Farts, farts. Definitely. Huge turn off. Yeah. Huge turn off. How about dirty fingernails? Oh, no. What about biting his toenails? How about a dirty dick? How are you talking about yourself? Oh, I just realized Natalie Lamar doesn't have headphones in. He can't hear the caller. Lamar thought we were just having a conversation the whole time. Who's this Betty character you talked about that whole time, Jake? You've gone crazy. So, all right, but this is very good, Betty. So, will you do me a favor? Will you, this is inappropriate, but that's what our show is. Will you masturbate tonight with this thing and I want it to be so off putting that literally midway through you're like I'll pass don't finish and remember there's a lot of people in your world so you're going to have to really go to town for the next couple weeks I can do it in like 15 minutes because it's about 3 to 11 here we'll stay on the line but Betty we have to do this Betty because the giggling is out of control you have a giggling thing when you get sexually uncomfortable. And if I were a parent and the woman walked in and goes like, can I tell you about your kid? I'd be like, I would rather it would smell like dog shit in there. My dog just shit. So how many people right now are you currently having dreams about and giggling when you see, is it just these two, this man and this woman? Yeah, there are two. Okay, great. So one session tonight and then when will you see them next? Yeah I will see them tomorrow so i can yeah follow up asap tomorrow call us after the session tonight and then we go quick betty here what i really like to have happen if you can do a really gross session tonight i think she should also be gross and i would like it to really turn you off but when you're done stay in the fantasy for another 10 minutes so the fantasy could end now that you're like that was gross keep your eyes closed stay in the fantasy with these disgusting people all the way until they get dressed and leave finish the fantasy after they go number two in your bathroom yes and leave the door open and they keep talking during it yeah and they top tank you which means they shit in your tank and not in your toilet so then tomorrow will you go out of your way to talk to them to see if this theory has worked Definitely. But I want you to think before of them farting and just being like, ew. A disgusting session. I just, I don't know. Wait, before we go, Mr. Morris. This is going to be so inappropriate. I don't know. You know, people aren't, you never know. People aren't, I think what's happening with Betty is, I think she's into this stuff. Hear me out now. Please. Hear me out. Because when I say, are you attracted to these people just as people? she said gross don't want to fuck them but now she's willing to masturbate to them farting and shitting she's trying to cure herself she's trying to get off hey Betty no getting off on this disgusting stuff if you get off it's a loss and a win either way we're happy she likes farts and shits I don't think so Lamar Betty you been to Dubai okay goodbye buddy bye buddy follow up with us bye thank you very much this episode has been brought to you by wayfair wayfair is a place that has a bunch of different stuff to sell at discounted rates i just bought one of those robot vacuums from them i found it online and i found it on wayfair for 200 cheaper and i don't see a quality difference and i'm really into robot vacuums. Truly, there's just so many options for your styles and for your needs. You can upgrade your space. There's visual tools too. So you could sort of walk yourself through like, hey, is this going to work? I got a bunch of stuff from Wayfair. I got a little thing at the end of the bed for extra blankets. I don't remember what you call it. I think this is one of the things that's great about Wayfair is that I'm not an expert, but I felt like one when I was on there. No complaints, just could not be easier. Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's Wayfair, W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. Unfortunately, big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money too. After years of overpaying for wireless, I finally got fed up with crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees, and free perks that actually cost more in the long run. And I switched to Mint Mobile. The same coverage, they're using the same towers. It's just that Mint Mobile is cheaper. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at 15 bucks a month. And you get three months of premium wireless service if you like your money. Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's mintmobile.com slash here to help. Upfront payment of $45 for three months, five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month, new customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes, and amp fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's mintmobile.com slash here to help. And we are brought to you by HelloFresh. Nothing hits like home cooking and HelloFresh makes it easy to do more of it this year with recipes that don't just feel good. They taste delicious night after night. Bring everyone together with meals that are simple and rewarding on a busy weeknight. Keep it simple. Keep it easy. Choose from more than 100 recipes every week, including cuisines from around the world. You could choose from 35 high protein recipes each week, new Mediterranean and GLP-1 friendly recipes. impress guests or treat yourself with new grass-fed steak rib eyes make meals with seasonal produce like pears apples asparagus when you're done you're surprised you did it so go to hello fresh.com here to help 10 fm to get 10 free meals and a freeze willing knife which is 144 99 cent value on your third box offer valid while supplies last free meals applied as discount on First box, new subscribers only, varies by plan. I'm calling from Chicago. Oh, we're in Chicago. I live up in Lakeview. Lakeview. And what did you think of the Bears' season? You care? Totally unexpected. I love it. I'm heartbroken, but, you know, can't complain. Real dorky finish to this. I sent Caleb his last DM, and I realized I'm done. How many in a row without being responded to? He always responds in his way. Like a thank you. Is it just the heart likes? Because that's not a response. He'll give a little bit sometimes, but he doesn't want to be friendly. What was the last thing you wrote? Thanks for the great season. If you're ever in L.A. and want to take a hike, you know where to find me. And after I sent it, I went, this is so stupid. And then have you seen if he's seen it? I think you want it too bad. I think you want it too bad. I do. That's gross. Also I'm way too old I'm about three decades older than this guy Can you imagine you hiking with Caleb Williams That's what I'd be funny You wanna go for a hike? Honestly because I'm not gonna go out at night The world class athlete Well what am I gonna do? I'm gonna do what I would do with you guys If Michael Jordan said let's go have cigars and whiskey at night You're gonna say no? Can we hike instead? I'm gonna go like this One night of the week So Elizabeth if he says yes, would you come too? If Caleb Williams says, absolutely. So Caleb, if you want to go hiking with me and Lamar and let us know. You know, I'm a member of the team, basically. You know what I mean? Like, I was on the picture of that release video. I did the one the year before. Yeah, but my face was on it. Yeah. It had my face in the middle with the coach. Hey, PCA, if you want to do the same thing, let me know. Yeah, the whole team. Shut up. The whole squad. I was on it too. Yeah, because I requested you. Oh, I put in a call for you. Elizabeth, What can we do for you today? So, I've been having this issue. I have been going to Pilates. Yeah, I can see why that would be a problem. Why? Because Pilates is stupid. Wow. Based off Joseph Pilates' personal work. It's Lamorne, by the way. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I said that. Lamorne Morris is on the call. I don't think he did. He didn't. Elizabeth, you got the great Lamorne Morris. Did you know that? I could tell by the voice. That's cool. But, hello, Lamorne. Hey, how are you? Hey, Elizabeth, are you a Lamorne fan? I mean, I love New Girl, so I love both of you guys. And Gareth, of course. Thank you very much, yeah. New Girl alum. So, Elizabeth, you go to Pilates. Yes. So, I would say since the beginning of December, they have been playing the same playlist over and over again every time I go in. Yeah, I get this. So, I love the studio. I love the times I go at. But, like, there is a moment. It's a 50-minute class. And there is, like, four songs in a row at probably the most difficult point in every class. And it's just the loudest and worst songs you could think of. And then you can't hear the instructor. And it's just the most frustrating. And I'm not saying I'm good at Pilates. It doesn't matter. It's annoying. I'm getting really fed up. It's annoying, right? Yeah. So before we get to the, what type of music? It's like pop. I don't know if I can give specific, can I give specific songs? Sure, of course you can. Okay, so one is, it's like the, oh God, I don't know the name. Like a river, that song, and then walk the moon, like shut up and dance. Oh, shut up and dance with me. I know that one. But these are really pop songs. I thought Pilates was more like bell chimes. It's the hard part. No, Pilates is aggressive. Oh, so it's like spin class. Understood. Okay. So they're turning this into kind of like a pop, disco, let's go. But she's more upset that the songs are repetitive. You don't mind that part of the class. It's just that the same four songs play on a loop. Correct. So it's a 50-minute playlist, but specifically those four songs are at the like toughest part. You can't hear the instructor over the base. I feel like an old lady complaining about the same instructor. I got a few. No, different class times, different instructors. Weird. Really weird. Go ahead, Lamorne. No, we'll get to that part. I guess. So Elizabeth, this is very clean. This is a great problem to have. What is the, unless you have more, if I'm interrupting you, please keep going. But then whenever you're done, what is the question that we could help you with? But if there's more setup, feel free. Okay. So my question is, how do I get them to change the playlist without them knowing it's me suggesting it? Without. Okay. That's the turn. Okay. You don't want to be confrontational. Lamorne Morris, go ahead. I got a couple things. So usually at an establishment like that that's public, they have two Wi-Fis, right? One of them is, it depends on the size of the Pilates studio. If you get the Wi-Fi information, if they only have one Wi-Fi, you're gold. Because all you got to do is change the music yourself. You're talking about hacking. Hack the Wi-Fi. Hack the Wi-Fi. You have? Bro, I've done it at the airport. You've hacked the Wi-Fi. Oh, my God. In Austin Airport, they have these big screens, like on the wall. I forget the Delta Lounge or something. These big screens. And they're playing the same, like, videos. Yeah. I can get on the Bluetooth and change what's on the screen. What are you doing? Change it to? I've just played like weird YouTube stuff. Like I could have done far worse. Anything. Yes. And I'm like, they haven't, they haven't like locked this up for like. That's crazy. Like this is crazy. Wow. Anybody can change it. And the same with restaurants. I've done it at restaurants before when I get on the Wi-Fi and I realize this is the only Wi-Fi they have. I'll change the music. How do you do it? So you get on the Wi-Fi. Yeah. If you have Spotify, Apple Music, you can control, like, if you want to connect to, like, when you open up your music, it'll bring up the sources of, like, oh, and it's like. You overpower their Bluetooth connection with yours. Yeah. Yeah. It's like adding songs to the queue, to the playlist. Okay. You know what I mean? So, Elizabeth, one move is to pirate their Bluetooth and play your own music. That's right. Okay. And then another one, another thing you can do is, because I'm not sure if you have to hear these. I mean, if you take these classes all the time, just do the fucking workout. Just put some ear pods in and listen to your own music while you watch this woman or man do the whole thing. You can just listen to your own playlists. I like that because that gives you that option, and also it kind of sends a little subtle message that you're kind of over it. Yeah. I got one. So Gareth and I were both Peloton guys for a little bit, and we would discuss how sometimes you just listen to your own music. Yeah. So the third that I would probably do here, Elizabeth, is, and it is going to be a little confrontational, but I think it's going to still work with your question. When the music gets loud and you want it to end, ask a question quietly. So the teacher goes like, I'm going to need everybody. And go like this, raise your hand and then go like, and they go, what's that? And you go like, and they go, I can't hear. And then when they come over, they turn down, you go, I'm so sorry. I can't hear a word you're saying. The music's blasting. What you're hoping is somebody else goes, I can't hear anything. Yeah. Right. You're making them fix the problem by going, I can't hear people in this class asking questions. So you're not saying change the music. You're saying we can't communicate. And I might, and this is a bit of a Gareth pitch. I might fake an injury in order to in the, your eyebrows go up and down. He went like this. I know what I like. I think that's great. I was preaching to the choir. Honestly, the way I reacted, I was like, that's pretty good. That's like someone fed me my own recipe and I was like, that's delicious. That's a great sauce. But imagine this. If she fakes an injury and they go, are you okay? And you go like, and all they hear is, my life is a psych. And the guy's going to go, turn the fucking music down. Yes. I like, listen, fake injury is great. Make injury works 90% of the time for problems For people who call on this show FYI I got one more Why don't you call the studio a few times Over the next couple weeks As different people And say that they're playing the same songs And you don't like it And you're wondering if they're going to change it Why don't we call and complain Why don't we start calling And we'll record Why don't we do one now And then you're not part of it We'll beep out the name of the studio, but we'll see if they can answer and we can complain about the music and the value. Therefore, you haven't done it. We have done it. We have solved your problem. Give us some details really quick. Wait, no, she hasn't said she wants to do that. That's just a pitch. Okay, I just want to know who, like, I just want to know, like, what time she's taking this class. Also the name of the class. Yes, so as of now, Elizabeth, from Lakeview, you got headphones. You got fake injury. Yeah. You've got us call in right now With you on the phone listening I got another one too And Lamorne has another one Yeah, try yoga It's an interesting pitch Just switch it up Miss Elizabeth, aka Liz You liking any of these? I'm liking you guys calling the studio instead of me Because I'm so non-confrontational So that's legit Okay, you want us to do it? We'll do it right now Start it. I'll do this in my free time, by the way, too. What's the name of the studio? We'll beep this out. Um, Pilates. There's an issue. There's no phone number. There's no phone number at this place. I'm on my way to Chicago soon. I could just go there and be like, ah, the music. The music sucks. Would you? And we'll film it. I would totally do it. But are you going to be anywhere near? Yeah. Because if you go in with your phone And do that And talk to them And say can you change the music That would be the funniest ending That would be great That's a thousand calls What are you doing here And you're going this I just have to talk to you about the music Why is it the same four songs Every time And when it gets really intense It's too much Yeah I get it Shut up and dance Alright I'm dancing Can we change it now Then you fake an injury Can we get a taste of what you would have said I'll be the person You're Debra? Who are you? Hi, this is Debra from Hey Debra from Hi, I'm a big time celebrity And From Hollywood You know me I don't know the voice You know me, Jake Johnson You don't know him Oh, the fat guy from the podcast Yeah, the David Krumholz guy See, I know him I'm him adjacent So I've been taking your classes lately. And one thing I would say, I'm still fat because... Okay, we're done. Elizabeth, we can't call. So we could do the email thing and the writing in. That is less fun, but it could be effective. What do you think about the fake injury? I think I could do it because I typically go at 7 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays and there's one other guy in my class. He's like six years old. So it's just the three of you. It's not three. Oh, that's perfect. So I don't mind. Oh, wait, hold on, Elizabeth. This is huge. I didn't realize it was a 50-year-old guy and you and the teacher. So here's what you do. Only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Fine. It's perfect. Here's what you do. Get small talking with him before the class. See if he's into the Bears. Something Chicago-based. then when it goes keep asking him the occasional question he's gonna be so excited that a young lady's talking to him and he's gonna think it's fun he won't be able to hear you so make him drive him to the point talk quieter and quieter and then be like exactly and he'll finally go like please honey somebody tell me if it happened to me i die i go if she was like yeah and then you started laughing and then you like you know what I mean Eventually I would keep it together and by the fourth song I be like hey Chad somebody up there turn this I can't hear what this lady's saying. So I would say, poke the bear. Make this guy, it's either the teacher or the 50-year-old, but if he's a 50-year-old Chicago man, he's got to talk. Yeah. I have another pitch. Oh, yeah. What if you take a little basket and you fill it with earplugs and you put a sign on it that says free earplugs if the music is too loud. I love this. And you set it right outside of the studio and they don't know you did it. But that's like a subtle message to the place that there's a movement inside, a cell of people who are not enjoying the volume. And Elizabeth, you do it during the busiest time. Yeah. Just sneak it in and let them Get two of them And just put them like When you're walking in the lobby And then right before you go in the studio And just let them try to figure out What the fuck is going on Yeah I like that I like that a lot It's subtle And you could do it so You could bring the thing under your towel And as you're walking in Just push it to the side Yeah So no one even sees the drop Or you know what you could do Here's what I honestly would do hey can you switch it up direct action and you gotta say it loud and they're gonna be mad that you're yelling but you're like I had to yell because this music is deafening I would love to keep paying you to be here but I'm paying you money and I can't hear shit and I keep hearing I know the words to all of these songs I shouldn't know the words to shut up and dance you're doing a bad job right now but who's teaching the class who's the name of the teacher this isn't what she wants to do Who's the name of the teacher? You never know. Hold on. Who's the name of the teacher? Her name is Veronica. Say Veronica, you fuckhead. Okay, terrible. She'll be able to hear her. You want this money? Don't pay her through credit card. You bring that cash in. Let her know that that shit's going back in your pocket. You don't turn that shit down. Your sweaty Pilates pocket? Yeah, or you do like Floyd Mayweather does. He goes to basketball games and he has a duffel bag full of cash. you show up with a duffel bag full of cash and go, this would have been for you, but I'm going across the street where they play that classical soft rock shit that I like. Elizabeth, is there a Pilates studio across the street? And do you have a bag full of money? No and no. Yeah, you've changed. All right, so I think here's where we go with Elizabeth. My pitch to you, but then I want to hear your pitch, is you get the old guy talking, you take over the Bluetooth. we can as a show do comments on the email we can text too I mean there's a number but yeah we can start yeah we can send a message we can send a message or two but you could also do that because that's not confrontational so what are you thinking what do you want to do here or earplugs earplugs is the big one I think I mean that the friend my 50 year old friend and just kind of like oh yeah you hear that and then you can be like no and then yeah you know what you could also do with that i think that's good i think that's good too but elizabeth because i feel like what's going to happen because you're not confrontational is you're gonna start it a little bit and then not want to get too quiet the other thing you could do as a younger lady to a 50 year old chicago guy is you could bring up the problem to him and say completely uh you feel so awkward talking about does he agree? He gets to be the hero Chicago beefcake. He's a 50-year-old Chicago guy. He thinks it's too loud. Agreed. 100%. He just doesn't want to ruin the vibe for a 20... How old is Elizabeth? 28? 30. 30 years old? He doesn't want to ruin the vibe for a 30-year-old gal. He's going like this. I can't hear shit, but she's happy. Yeah. So if you go like this, I don't know what to tell you, Chief. I can't hear anything. He'll go, Honey, I haven't heard a word since this fucking thing started. And you can even say to him, We should say, lower the music If I had a little bit more guts I would say, here's what you do Elizabeth I hate that music I like that If I had a little bit more guts I would say something, but I guess I'm just a pushover I guess we're all just pushovers I wish someone would say something He'll go, oh I'm not a pushover I'm old school, I'm gonna plant crack cocaine on this person and call the police They'll arrest this bitch and get her out of here Chicago That's what we do We plant crack on people Jake Jake's So We're not pitching Old school Chicago Is planting crack On people We're not planting Wait Where's this neighborhood again? Oh nevermind Yeah they don't do that over there So Elizabeth What are you thinking What are you actually going to do here? Because I do think we're close to a solution I am going to Befriend the 50 year old And just say like before class You know what the music stinks What do you think And then he's going to be like yeah I hate it And then I'm going to say I don't have the guts But you should tell them to switch it Don't tell him Let him get to that You don't have the guts to it You wish you did Let him get the idea Can we do this really fast Will you be a 50 year old Chicago man and can we actually see how this goes? You nervous about this at all? No. Okay. Because I'm stupid. And I never learn. So the door is open. It's before class. The door is open. The teacher has, it's 7 a.m. on a Tuesday. Elizabeth, what's this guy's name or something? What can we start with? I'll call him Bob. Bob. Okay. Bob. All right. So Elizabeth, you see Bob and really in your head, please picture Bob. Let's practice for real. I need you to be sincere to see if this has a chance. Because Lamar is going to go off the fucking rails. You think? No. Okay. So Elizabeth, in three, two, let's see what happens. I'm just Bob just sitting here. Oh, hey. Hey, hey, what's your name again? Hey, Bob, how's it going? Elizabeth, yeah, it's good to see you Just getting out of the house with the old ball and chain What a real Dead weight, you know what I mean? What's her name? My dead weight Gertrude She used to be a bimbo Back in the day, but I changed her life around But I'm here I'm here, she says she has a problem with my With my gut, so I'm just trying to work that off. Pilates is good for the heart. It's good for the heart, apparently. My doctor told me four heart attacks. But I love her. I love her so much, but I'm here now with you. It's just us, I guess. What's up? You got that look in your eye again. Don't be afraid to jump in, Liz. You got that look in your eye again. I don't trust it. Liz, jump in soon. You got that look. And as a former cop, when I see that eye, I know something's up. so spit it out I love Pilates man but I'll tell you this music it's tough to get through class with those playlists am I right guys you know something it's a change of pace for me I kind of love it so much you're in a great zone do not in my opinion don't tell him the answer let him come to it and then go like you're not nervous Well, you also, you could do this over two or three classes. So don't lay it on too thick first time. Don't be obvious. Yeah. Less is more at first. So can we just hear your side of it, how you might do it, Elizabeth? So I'll be like, hey, Bob, what's going on? And he's going to be like, hey, what's going on? And he's going to say, ready for Pilates? And he's going to say, yep. And then the next class, I'm going to come in. That first class was a waste. Hold on. Elizabeth, that first one was a throwaway. We didn't get any closer to the goal. Yeah. You can go a little further on the first one. I know you're establishing a friendship, but you can't get the idea. It's a long game. Yeah, that's like six months. Let's do three weeks. Yeah, let's go a shorter game. Let's go two talks. Yeah, honestly. So I'll say, hey, man, are you ready for class? And then he'll be like, yeah. And then I'll be like, you know, I love it, but, you know, that music is so loud. Am I right? Yeah, it's pretty loud. Hell yeah. They get it blasting. and then you leave it then you leave it you're dropping a seed right now because he might go in and say something you're totally right Elizabeth but also follow your gut but if you go yeah it's really great then you go the music's so loud he'll say something and if you totally leave it then during it being loud make eye contact don't be afraid to lock eyes and be like huh and then do this signal for like, I can't hear anything. And then he is going to get the hints that he cannot help. As a older Chicago guy, he's going to go, you mind turning it down? Mm-hmm. Because that is what an older Chicago guy has to do. That's what he's thinking. That's what he's thinking. That's what he's thinking before you talk to him. And so therefore, you didn't egg him on at all in his eyes. He thinks he fully came up with this. How long have you been taking this class again? I've been going Well it's been the same playlist since like the beginning of December Okay so I gotta say It's been like a month and a half I'm gonna throw you a curveball here and I hate to do this to you You're right Jake He's a 50 year old guy He hasn't said anything It ain't bothering him Right but it will be when she brings it up He's gonna do it for her honor Yeah I do I think he doesn't like it Like look I used to take hot yoga In Pasadena and there was a lot I hated about it but because I was the only gentleman I'm not opening my mouth I'm not ruining it for these other 17 ladies if one of the ladies went like do you kind of wish they would stop giving us motivational speeches all the time and just teach us the moves I would go yes and if she goes we all feel that way then I would go like with the motivational speech I'd go like this I got it what does that have to do with my knee wrap it up but I can't lead out with that because as a 50 year old guy he's already at an away game In a Pilates studio as a 50 year old man You're at an away game No you're not because there's only two people in there I know but you're not meant to be there Joseph Pilates created a long time ago It's not for us anymore Somebody named Joseph Pilates created it That's how it started it's a guy's last name Just a guy named Joe Same with yoga That's not true Yeah but Joseph Pilates is true What about Jack Karate Jack Karate But will you follow up with us because I really do believe this is going to work. The key to me, the key for me, Elizabeth, is the complaint is if you go, oh, this music, it's so loud and it's so repetitive. It's the same stuff. Give your facts so that he can fix it. Yep. You got it. Thank you for the call. Lamorne, you might not know this, but Jake has a fantasy about my mother. I know we're coming off that Betty call. I do know about this. You do? Yeah. Do you, Pam? Yeah. Okay. Well, it's pretty- It's not really a fantasy. We now have a thing, and you know that. No, it's troubling. Okay. And so, Jake commissioned art. Do you want to explain the painting to him? I did not commission this. Oh, someone sent it. Somebody called in. They're an artist, and they said, I made a painting of you and Pam. Would you like to see it? And it's horrifying. And it's me and her on a horse with our shirts off, and we're about to- Her shirt's off. Yeah. Okay. And Jake said, go for it. Yeah, but that's not commissioning. Oh, and then when I saw it, I mean, it's my mother. And she's like, it's horrifying. It looks like. But it's a pretty good painting. It is, but it's, I'll be honest, you can see my mother's nipple in it. It's crazy. I said, let's make this merch. Jake was really fired up about it, and he was pitching merch. And I said to him. Off the record. I said, no merch. And it's the most contrite I've ever heard of because he just goes, okay. I backed off. I said, how funny would this be if it's like shirts? and stuff when you do stand-up, and he goes like, I don't like this. Yeah, I don't want it to be merch. All right, I'll back off. It's your mom's titties. It's my mom's tits. It's on Jake. It's crazy. She lives in England? Yeah. Okay, well, for whatever reason, Natalie has an update. Oh, my. Oh, my God. Wait, what the fuck? Well, first, I want Lamorne your thoughts. It's tough. Oh, my gosh. Hold on. Oh, man Now that's my mother Okay, so your mom, first of all Thick, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do know what you're saying Be more on my... First of all, can we talk about how Jake looks emaciated? Oh, no, on your side Real thoughts, Lamar, when you see this It's just a work of art First of all, it's artistic I do like this work of art Your mom's got a real Bette Midler vibe going on in this photo right there. And Bette Midler is somebody who could get it. Okay, but remember, focus on like... No, no, I'm just trying to... You said analyze it first thing when I think. I don't even think I said that, but I think Jake said that. But yeah, I don't need that part of it. What do you want me to say? What do you want me to analyze? What are your thoughts? Because I know my thoughts. Yeah, thoughts is... I mean, actually, we don't need your thoughts. Oh, is that what's going to live? Do you find it to be inappropriate? Do I find this to be inappropriate? Yeah, is this an inappropriate thing for... This is beautiful. Someone you work with to have... It's not an actual photo of your mother. No. It's artistic. That's how I feel. It's an artistic interpretation. Right. And then... I love this. Now, it all depends on how Pam feels. Pam loves it. The troubling part is I bet she would... She's a grown woman. She would like it. Pam and I get along really well. We talk. We make jokes. We have a lot of fun together. Gareth is definitely the teenage kid who needs to go to military school. Because a couple things going on with him. He's got to call you dad. No. He doesn't have to. No, but... It wouldn't be disrespectful if he did once. No, but... For all the stuff I do for his ass. I'm not calling it pop, first of all. To one day or sir. But instead he goes, no, no, I don't like it. I don't want my mom to be sexually pleased. Oh, you think your mom would just... I know. I'm not answering that question in any capacity. This is what I don't like. Jay keeps threatening military school. You're a little brat. Oh, yeah, he's going to send you away. He won't. They won't have me, Lamorne. Why not? They won't have you at military middle school? Yeah they won't Why? A thousand reasons Tell me one Way too old I'm a grown man Grown man Bad time To the artist who did that Thank you for doing it I find it beautiful I feel the exact opposite I love that it's on the wall I hate that part I love that this studio's building out I appreciate what you're doing I like everything but that Is this pre or post-coital? We should get the call We should get the call This artist out there Whoever you are Caller? We'll get to the call Amy we'll get to you in a second Amy But I do want this artist Amy's an artist Amy can you please And I'll pay for it Can you make another one of this No no no More how about this Amy can you make another one right after No You know what I thought was about to happen No Then after My mother physically is not going to be able to do reverse cowgirl So the joke's on both of you She's about hip Oh, so you don't think I'm going to be... He's about to work that out. Paul, are you there? Hey, it's me. Hey, my name's Tiffany. I'm a big fan of the show. Are we ready? You're going to work that hip out, bro. Without further ado. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Foller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fosteik. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum podcast. That was a HeadGum podcast. Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I have a new podcast on HeadGum called Next We Have. Now, this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone. I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't, because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge Yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business. The Doughboys play a game called Meal or No Meal. And Steph Tolov and I go head to head on a thought provoking game called Guess That Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds and we probably have more fun than we should. But it's a great time, and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next We Have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.