Episode 312 - Nick Swardson

It is fascinating about getting older though, because you just physically you deal with shit and you just like I'm diabetic, you know? And like I dealt with drinking, I haven't drank for over a year now. And so, you know, it's just interesting those stages of what you go through. Yeah, just to be clear, the reason I don't have bread today is because Nick texted me and said, I'm diabetic, so don't worry about the bread. Yeah. And I was really, really- So you got me a candle. And I got you a candle instead. So I have to eat the candle. I'm doing it for you, Tom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry for the sound. How do you get diabetes? Oh. You're not a fatty. Let me tell ya. It's breaking, Brad. How do we know when we've started? I know. Boom, we're off to the races. Do you feel like we've started now? I feel like we're starting. I feel like we're starting too. I think we've started. Yeah, it feels different than it did a minute ago. It feels really different. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hi to the studio audience. What a great crowd. Great crowd. Good crowd. Good to see you. Good to see you, Tom. I'm very excited to sit down with you because there's very few people that have gone the whole distance. Like, we knew each other at the very beginning. Yeah. Yeah, to give everybody a background, I moved to New York City, 1998. 1998. 1998. And my only friends in New York when I moved from Minnesota, where I started stand up, my only people I knew were Greg Geraldo and Kevin Brennan and John Bush. Because they had gone through ACME. No, because Kevin, I met at the Aspen Comedy Festival. John Bush was an old friend of mine from Minnesota when I started. He had started before me. And then Geraldo, I had met doing Louis Anderson's comedy showcase. Ah ha. So then I got into the scene as a young kid. And that's when we met at the comic strip, which is still there, Upper East Side, 81st and 2nd. And we were part of the comic strip crew. Yeah, which was so much fun. It was so much fun. It was so great. Just young, nowhere to go. Just doing sets. Mediocre Chinese food. Ha ha ha. Yeah, it's funny. A lot of people don't realize, starting out as a comedian, every era is totally different. But back in the 90s, it was kind of past the big boom. So we were all kind of starting out when comedy technically was kind of dying. It was it had bottomed out. It had kind of bottomed out. And then so this was pre the wave of Comedy Central. That was starting to percolate around that time. But it was great, man. I mean, you think back. I mean, I remember Kevin Hart doing the late, late sets for four people at one in the morning. I remember Jim Gaffigan barking for Gladys's Time Square, which was barely even a comedy club. Right, it wasn't. And it was like Judah Friedland. I mean, there was so many people. I mean, my album Toilet Head that just came out was produced by our friend, Lenny Marcus. Oh, really? I didn't realize that. Yeah, Lenny distributed it. So he's on his stand up record. So Lenny's an old friend and comedian. God. And we were just all knocking around. It was it was a great time because the old guard of comics that like burned out on VH1 and all those cable things. Right. A lot of them were kind of gone. And we all came in as young, hungry, new generation. We were fired up. I mean, it was like it was a huge deal. And, you know, I always equate those years of stand up as people that really wanted to do stand up. Like that era where we're pure. Not to say other eras weren't, but just in that time of the downtime of the boom and then before the wave of Comedy Central, there was no money. I mean, there was hardly any money unless you were a headliner. Zero. We would give five dollars. Yeah. You literally get five dollars to do a late night spot. Yeah, literally. And you were happy. I was happy about it. Because I was like, I could get my bagel and egg sandwich tomorrow at this one place that puts extra bacon on it. And I'll eat that all day until I go do another late night spot. You'll just nibble on it throughout every hour as a bite. Yeah. And then that sustains you. Yeah. It was so great. I was living with Kyle Dunnigan. Kyle was another one. We were living in a studio apartment together. Love it. I remember that. That was that wasn't that far from the club, was it? No, it was like on 89th Street. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's so funny. It's so amazing. It's almost like that was because I never went to college. Did you go to college? I did. I never went to college. So that was kind of my college in a way. So when I see people from that era, I'm like, I just immediately go back to like the good old days. Yeah, completely. And we all still, I mean, I talk to everybody. Yeah. I mean, it's hilarious. Well, it was such a it was such a bond. It was such a great time. We were all just young and poor and able to live. Like if you were to have to go live that way, if someone told you, oh, my God, you're going to make five dollars a day. You're going to have no money in the bank and you're going to have and you're going to have to pay rent somehow. Yeah. You I would just lay down and die. Yeah. You would just yeah. But we were so happy. We were so happy. We were so happy. And I remember when I first moved there, I lived with two of my friends from Minnesota who are great, Victor Varnado and Colton Don, who went on to be on Superstore. And he was right around Coney's Brilliant. They're both brilliant. And I slept on their floor. And there were three people in a studio apartment. And they kind of had built separate rooms for themselves that were just beds. And I slept on the floor. I slept on couch cushions for a while. And I only had enough money to eat KFC side dishes. That's the truth. It was like 99 cents for macaroni. And yeah, now I can afford the whole meal. It's so great. Feeling and a lot of those people are still going in all honesty. We were like, we should just have like people that we love on. And John's first thing was Nick Swartzson. And I was like, oh, oh, please, I'm just going to I'll text him. And I get to reunite with Nick. Yeah. And because every time I would see you, because as we came to LA and we started doing other stuff, we didn't run into each other as much anymore. No, but it's just one of those. It's like a cousin. It's like a cousin. Yeah, totally. Like, you know, like we can not talk for five years and then be like, it's Nick. Yeah, it's so immediate. Yeah, that's what's really sweet about it. And that's what I, you know, I do miss those days of the strip where it was just it was kind of like Cheers, the show Cheers, which I actually probably have to say the show Cheers now because everything's so old. But yeah, you would just walk in and you just know everybody. So funny. It's really fun. I like seeing John Bush working with Kyle. Love that. John and Kyle are two of the funniest people they are so funny. We knew each other at ACME. So yeah, I did an open mic February 12th, 1996, and did my just vomited out comedy. And that was your first time ever. My first time ever. And then I just, you know, the club was like, hey, that was what the hell was that? And I'm like, I don't know. I have no idea. A lot of people ask what stand up is like when you're starting out, it's so horrifying, which when you look back, it shouldn't be horrifying because, you know what I mean? It's just you're going up and performing in the worst case scenario. It's like, you know, somebody booze, which never happens really. Yeah. But it's like it just doesn't go well. And that's everyone's fear. But mine went really well just because I had so much energy. And anyway, long story short, these every comedian, a lot of comedians came up and they're really nice. And John was super, super cool. He was really supportive. And he was like, Hey, man, that's really good. And so John and I were friends for a long time and he actually, the guy who ran the comic strip was a legend named Lucian Hold. Yeah. I'm sure you probably talked about Lucian on the show. A little bit. So Lucian ran the club and he was the godfather. And so all you wanted to do was be on his radar and get past. He would have to pass you. Yeah. To, for you to be able to work there. And he was just to give context. He passed Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, Sandler. Chris Rod. He'd been there the whole run. Yeah. And he was very stoic and very dry. Yeah. Which made him more intimidating. And it was like, okay, I don't think you're ready. Yeah. That kind of a guy. It was hilarious because, you know, everybody's dealt with managers in their lives. So he was a manager of this club. And when they have the disposition where they don't give you anything, especially as a comic, I remember Lucian was like, Nick, you're next. And I was like, oh my God, you know, I'm like 19, 20 years old. I'm like, this is it. So I go and I do my set and it goes awesome. And I'm so high on life. I'm just like, oh my God. And I get off when I run up to him and I go, hey, I did great. They were so good. Oh my God. They were amazing. And he just looks at me and just goes, wow, man. And walked away. And it was I didn't understand it. It was like an interpreter where I had to grab people. And I was like, what does that mean? What did he say? What is that? What was that tone? Do they like they were like, yeah, no, you're great. He's that solution. Yeah. And then I, you know, you get to know him. Yeah. If he's playing around with you, then you're okay. Yeah, but that had fucked me for a while. It was hard to get a spot to go audition. Like you had to go and get a number and get get get online and be allowed to like even just come and audition. Yeah. And I blew my audition because I got arrested crossing the George Washington bridge. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was living in New Jersey. You're dressed as George Washington. I was going on the bridge and everyone was merging, you know, to get onto the bridge. It was like crazy New Jersey traffic. And I wouldn't give, and this truck wouldn't give, and we ended up like locking bumpers and we got stuck and the cops came over, stopped all the traffic. And they, I didn't have my registration. So they arrested me and put me in, in Port Authority jail. Oh my God. They literally handcuffed me to a chair and I'm, I have got to make my audition for Lucian Holt and I had a bag and I'm like, guys, I'm in, I'm a comedian. There's jokes. The only thing in there are jokes. I have an audition and all the cops were like, yo, yeah, make me laugh. You don't seem funny. You know, I couldn't do it and I missed the audition. Oh my God. Yeah. I got, you didn't look at the cops and go, I mean, you're breathing fire. You didn't drop a pop a classic on him. God, you would have gotten out of that in two seconds. Good Lord. That's wild. So you told Lucian that. Yeah. And he was like, whoa, man. Yeah. And he was like, and you'll have to do it again. But then somebody was doing a showcase for something and I got to audition for them at the club, right? Like for Aspen or whatever that was. And he saw me kill for that. So I got to bypass the whole lottery thing. Oh, that's cool. He just came out because he saw other people were interested and he was like, you can start working here. Yeah. But he was mean to people. Like he would just, he'd be like, all right. So we already have a white guy with glasses and baseball caps. Yeah. Try again next time. And it was awful because it was your whole essence. He would just tell you, he would describe you and say, we don't need that. Yeah. Yeah, totally. People would be crushed. Yeah. It was the power that they had was wild. But I mean, it wasn't the only club, but it was kind of you were kind of known for a comedy seller guy or you were doing Boston Comedy Club or like. Well, at the time the seller was on its ass. Like, yeah, the seller was. People weren't going to the seller that often. Yeah. For comedy people out there that know that world, the comedy seller was literally it was the last, it was the late night hangout was what it was more known for. Because there was no, they had to really bark to get people into the comedy seller, which is so crazy. It's so wild. And now it's like Dave and Buster's. Right. There's like TVs everywhere and they've got like, you know, minority reporter, they're going through like other clubs and they're just opening. It's so wild. Yeah. And it's awesome. I love the SD. They're opening a new club. SD is an angel. They bought the McDonald's on the corner and they're making that into a club. I know, but it's still going to be a McDonald's. Which is weird. I think that that is kind of a curveball. But yeah, they bought Statue of Liberty. They're doing all they're taking over too much. Yeah. Like let's dial it down a little bit. Empire State Comedy Club. And it's a whole building. What was fantastic. Every floor is a club. What was fantastic about you was you were exactly the same then as you are now. Right. You were completely pure energy, pure fun, pure Nick, which was just, you were just yourself, so there wasn't anybody else like you. And your special now is the same as what when I saw in 96. Yeah, totally. And the same in your films and the same in your television. You were just, you've always constantly been purely Nick. Yeah, I just always, I, you know, I was never somebody that ever had an ego because I was always really excited and I still am. You know what I mean? Like I still, I was just always excited to be here. I never took for granted that, you know, when I started working with Adam Stanley, when I started doing all this stuff, I had my own TV show. I was on a hit TV show. It was like crazy. Were you thinking about it as you were a little kid? Like when? No, I kind of, I was, had a reputation for being a comedian. So I was, I was the youngest in my family. I was a runt my whole life. So I was just this little kid and I just used a sense of humor to get, you know, attention and also just not to get like beat up. Yeah. Cause I went to inner city schools and I was always like, you know, the sillier I was, I just was naturally silly, but it kind of, they're like, oh, Nick's cool. Right. You know, but he's a wise ass. He's getting in trouble. Yeah. He's doing his own thing. Yeah. You know what? He's getting in trouble. Yeah. He's in his own way. Yeah. But it was great. But we were all like that. I never, it's weird when I meet somebody with an ego. Yeah. It's so bizarre to me. And, you know, anybody can relate to when somebody just has that ego where you're just like, who the fuck are you, dude? You know what I mean? It's just weird to think that anyone's above or better. Or I don't know. You know, that sounds like just a generic statement, but, you know, it's no, it's true. They're all on this ride together. Right. You know, whatever you're you're doing, it's the basic fact of it is we're all in this. Right. So like, fuck, man. We might as well laugh along for the ride. It's just. Yeah. And you're trying to destroy me. Doesn't help your case at all. Yeah. Like it's not going to make your life better. It's bizarre. Yeah. I've met, I've met friends of mine who were actors and then got famous and then they went fucking on a dime. I'm not going to say who, but on a dime, they would, I would be like, oh, and they'd be like, Hey, Nick, it's good to see you. And I'd be like, what's up with that? It's so bizarre to me. But yeah. Like they've been waiting for it. Like it's payback in a way for them. Yeah. Or like they have to announce they've arrived. Yeah. What kind of shit is that? But yeah, all those days, I miss those days, man. The thing that's hard about getting older and I'm going to be 50 this year. And how old are you now? Thank you. 54. Right. So the thing that's surreal is, but it's also fun is getting older and it's just how different everything is different. Like your body changes and you always hear about that. Everyone's like, well, mentally, you know, elderly people that are 80 or like, I never understood what they meant by that when they were like, I still feel like I'm 20. Yeah. And I was like, okay, yeah, but you're old. Yeah, but you're a bag of bones. Yeah. And then now that I'm going to be 50, I still feel like I'm, you know, 22 and running around like an idiot. Do you think that that is a comedian thing? Because like I'll go do like corporate gigs or whatever. And I'm with people who now I'm kind of older than. Oh, yeah. They're like business people, but they're all grownups. Like, right. And I talk to them like a curious kid. I'm like, so what kind of, what's it like selling tires? You know what I mean? Like, I don't know if it's just my perspective or we just don't really truly grow up because we're not in the real world. I think we genuinely have that state of arrest development. But I'm also just curious about stuff. I'm always fascinated about things. And it probably comes off as childlike to be like, right. What? Right. What is that? Right. Exactly. They're like, oh, are you simple brain? Right. Exactly. No, I'm a comedian. Oh, yeah. Okay. That tracks. Yeah. They're like, you're older than I am. Yeah. But like, if you look at some people like that you grew up with and it's like, oh, they look like they look like you're going to retire or pictures of my dad. When I see my pictures of like, when my dad was my age, it's like, come on, we had five kids in a suit and went to a job and just had a shit together. Yeah. And, you know, in a weird way, I mean, I'm trying to get my shit together all the time. I mean, everybody is kind of, but it is fascinating about getting older, though, because you just physically you deal with shit and you just like, I'm diabetic, you know, I dealt with drinking. I haven't drank for over a year now. And so, you know, it's just interesting those stages of what you go through. Yeah. Just to be clear, the reason I don't have bread today is because Nick texted me and said, I'm diabetic, so don't worry about the bread. Yeah. And I was really relieved. And I got you a candle. So I have to eat the candle. I'm doing it for you, Tom. Sorry for the sound. I was so relieved because I got home late from the road yesterday and I was like, I was trying to figure out how can I make bread in this short amount of time? So you being diabetic is really a blessing. That's why I got diabetes. How do you get diabetes? Oh, you're not a fatty. Let me tell you. So it's this is shocking to me and people in the comments you can leave like growing older. It's fascinating how stupid you can still be. Yeah. So here is how dumb I was. So I I've always been a big drinker. Not, you know, I would take time off. I don't drink when I film for the most part. And I, you know, I focus, but I always like drinking. And so you're always good at it. I was always really good at it, but I was always really fun. Totally. And so during COVID, I lived in Key West. I went to Key West for 10 days and then I just stayed throughout the duration of COVID because you were just having so much fun. I just the world was I didn't know what was going on. I was going to retire. I was like, Hey, I just live in the live music every night for the rest of my life. I love Key West. So it's the best. It's the best. So I was drinking fucking every second. I mean, I would wake up, hit the bar at 8 a.m. and I would wrap up at four in the morning, which in Key West is normal. Normal. Totally normal. Yeah. And I would take naps throughout the day. But my point being is I just I didn't think about my diet. And I normally am pretty aware of it. Yeah. But I was like, Oh, I'll just eat a ton of pasta because that'll soak up the alcohol. And that'll be better. And I'm like, Oh, Key lime pie. That's that's can't be that bad for you. It's got lime in it. The rationalization was just the freeway. No, stop. Just diabetes. Next stop, diabetes. Just on the express train. Did you gain weight? I got a little thicker. I was walking around a lot, but. So it was really a weight thing. It was just a bad diet. It was just bad at tons of alcohol. So I was doing like, I mean, I was drinking anything. It was just that makes you alcohol can lead to diabetes. Oh, I'll call 100% lead to diabetes. And then that coupled with, you know, eating a lot of sugar carbohydrates. I mean, all that stuff just compounded and compounded and people warned me. They did the other thing. It's like people are like, you're going to get diabetes. And I was like, no. Not looking anything up. Yeah, it's just if the funny thing is about getting older, too, is that you never listen to people that have been there and done that. Yeah, it's such an immature trait. And it's natural to be like, oh, yeah, whatever. And then as you get older, you're like, fuck, they told me. So many older people were right. Just about warnings of like, hey, if you do that, this is probably going to end here. So yeah, OK. And that was me a week ago. It's just the immaturity. How long did you stay in Key West? I literally a year and a half. A year and a half. Here's the great thing. And I hope I'm not saying anything that's going to plant any bugs in your head of like, maybe I shouldn't have stopped drinking. But you you have you've achieved something really noble, which is that you have this incredible drinking life, party life of people who just love being with you. You're always fun to be with. And I'm sure it got hairy at times and whatever. But you spit out at the other end of it with great stories. Your set talks a lot about your special has a lot of these great stories. You've had this great fun, like big life. Yeah. And you're alive. Yeah, 100 percent. 100 percent. And then like all digress stomachs. I don't want to be that preachy sober person. But a lot of me felt a responsibility to talk about it candidly because, you know, I talked about it. I did a post on my Instagram about it, about how being the fun drunk is super fun. And now I'm the older person where it's like it comes with a price. I'm lucky to be alive. Yeah, lucky to be alive. There's no reason for me on paper to be alive for what I've done. Right. I mean, just the amount of alcohol. I mean, I was drinking a bottle of vodka a day sometimes, sometimes at least. Really? I remember sitting at a bar in Florida and the bartender came over to me and he was like, hey, Nick. And I'm like, what's up? And he goes, how are you feeling? And I'm like, I'm good. Why? What's going on? And he goes, you drank a whole bottle of gray goose so far today. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, since you've been here at nine in the morning, it's now five PM. You've drank a whole bottle of gray goose on your own. And I go, oh, and without a beat, I go, are you out? And he goes, no. And I go, OK, I'll take another vodka tonic. And he's like, but you're OK. I'm like, yeah. And that's how fucking dangerous because, you know, I thought it was cool because I'm like, holy shit, I can drink a bottle of vodka. But then what you don't realize is your organs and what, you know, what it can do to everything, your pancreas, your liver, everything. It's just it nukes yourself. And how did you keep how did you keep professionally? Cognizant, like you work with Sandler and you had you showed up on set and Reno 911 and like you you never had a reputation of a guy who doesn't show up or you wouldn't high risk hire. No, I was never like flagged like that. I mean, I had some hiccups of showing up hungover and stuff like that. But I never, you know, then there was a Colorado incident where I started my tour years ago and I was in Vale, Colorado. And I was so excited. Yeah. And I had cocktails, which is normal before a show. And then I took an edible and it was like 9000 feet. And I brained diarrhea all over. I just couldn't remember anything. And then it was that made news. That one. Yeah, that made me world news. I'd say today, calling me for a comment. I mean, I was like, why was it such big news? I don't know. And it's my fault. Almost God, like God, like trying to like help you out. Yeah, it was just like some higher power. Well, yeah, well, then God, don't invent weed. Let's let's look back at you. Let me put the mirror on you there. Don't invent Colorado. That's not a comedy in the mountains. Yeah, don't do comedy at 9000. But it was a huge story. I remember waking up to that. It was a massive story and I got my phone exploded. And then to me, I was like, oh, my God, whoops. You know, I'm like, you know, that's I would normally not take an edible before I went on stage. But I'm in Colorado, I was all fired up. Yeah. But yeah, it was like crazy. And then I thought I was I'm like, oh, my God. I'm like, what did I what did something else have? Yeah, did I did I say something? Do I fucking Michael Richard something? Or yeah, no, no, I would never. So yeah, it was just like this thing of, you know, whatever. It's it is what it is, but it it got really blown out of proportion. Did you have to shake that one off or did it go away? Like, I don't know. I don't know if my fans were like, oh, Nick's, you know, I'm not going to go see him live anymore. I don't know what the backlash was. I mean, I don't think a lot of I don't think there was because I don't know why there would be. And also my reputation, what I did for decades was drink with my fans. Right. So, you know, it's a really slippery slope between, you know, being responsible and also just having a blast. And I really truly am thankful for my life and I'm thankful for my fans. And but to go back about talking about drinking is there's, you know, a lot of people that probably don't think I'm funny or think I suck as an actor. And I always was like, you know, I want to leave behind my work. But some people just don't like it. So now I want to leave behind at least knowledge for people. If you don't think I'm funny, that's fine. But if you have a drinking problem, I want to help you. You know what I mean? I want to at least leave behind what I've learned and just the dangers of what can happen. Right. But you had so it was really did it just come for many years? It wasn't a problem. It wasn't. And it was I kept trying to solve it because I love drinking. And I'm like, well, there's got to be a way. I'm like, OK, maybe maybe I'm just maybe it's not vodka. Maybe I'm a tequila guy. Right. I'm like, I think that's it. Yeah. So I've been to kill on the rocks and then, you know, I block out. And I'm like that idiot. It's obviously Jameson is the one that you need to. I literally did that. So I would go through phases of like now I know it's beer. I'm a beer guy. Right. And then I'll add a shot. It was so fucking dumb. But in my head, I'm like, no, I have to keep doing this. How did you not feel like shit every day? Because that's the thing. You keep drinking. Right. So if you keep drinking, you don't feel it the next day. You mean like in the morning? Yeah. So then you would just get a drink. You know what I mean? And then before I would film, I would just kind of ease myself out of it. So, you know, I knew how to do that. Right. But but yeah, if you have time off and that's the thing of people that, you know, my family and my friends and people that weren't comedians were like, what the fuck? What are you doing? And I'm like, what do you mean? Right. I've got to work an hour at night. And sometimes, you know, if I'm not filming, I'll have three weeks off. You know, like, why wouldn't I want to just fucking shred baseball games at the bar? It's like Narnia. And then when I went to Key West, they were like, welcome. Remove your clothes and any worries you have. We are you. Yes. It was amazing. I don't think in a year and a half of a bender that I went on, I don't think one person was like, hey, maybe dial it down. You're right. Yeah. Because they were all doing the same thing for years before you got there. Yeah. I'd be like, I just did drink a balavaca. They're like, cool, do you want a snake? What about two parrots? Do you want a parrot farm? Yes. Do you look at it as a year and a half bender? It literally was. It was. It was 100 percent a year and a half straight. Wow. I mean, literally. I mean, the only thing that really saved me is that I did have outside for my diet in Key West, I was always really good about supplements. And one thing, and this is another thing I want to tell people, is I quit eating dairy. I quit dairy 15 years ago. Yeah. And that changed my entire life. Really? I swear to God, I remember I'm from the Midwest and I would eat I always say dairy. I would eat dairy five times a day. You know what I mean? Whether it was cheese, ice cream, pizza. Everything macaroni, whatever. Yeah. And so I remember going into this juice bar in West Hollywood and I had a sinus infection and this hippie dude, this white dude with dreadlocks gave me some advice, which, you know, that could go either way with a white guy with dreadlocks. So he was like, hey, man, he's like, Nick, you're sick all the time. And I go, yeah, I'm from the Midwest. I get sinus infections. And he's like, no, no, no, no. He's like, that's not normal. He's like, let me walk me through your diet. Wow. So I walked him through my diet and he goes, so you eat a lot of dairy? And I go, yeah, I love dairy. I'm from Minnesota. And he goes, well, here, try this. He goes, quit dairy cold turkey for two weeks. He goes, no milk, no ice cream, no cheese, nothing for two weeks and just see how you feel. And I'm like, OK, I can do that. You know, I can accept that challenge. So I did it and I've never been back. I've never been back to dairy in 15 years. What happened in two weeks? Well, I'll tell you, I slept better. I never felt like shit. I never have gotten sick. I haven't gotten a sinus infection in 15 fucking years. And that's a fact. I just everything I had more energy and I went back to the guy. I'm like, holy shit. And he was like, yeah, man. I had the same thing. What do you mean? I my whole life, I had allergies. And I was like, as a kid, it was just there were just tissue balls around me everywhere, right? Because I was just blown my nose, blown my nose. I thought it was the cat. Then I thought it was dust. I thought it was mildew. And I opened. I did warm up when we were young friends. I did warm up at the view and Mary Lou Henner was a guest. And she had a diet book and she said, quit these things for one month. And you'll see what you're abusing. And it was dairy, alcohol, sugar and meat. And I quit all of them. And the one thing that was a big problem was dairy, because same thing. I ate cheese, Italian, and mozzarella and pizza and in my coffee and the whole thing. I brought back meat. I brought back everything and kept the dairy out. And I never had allergies again. Yeah, I never blew my nose like I was it was over. It was just gone. Yeah. And I had I was I felt like why didn't some but where was Mary Lou Henner when I was 16? Exactly. She was on taxi. But but how insane. It's wild. I can't believe that you went through that same thing. As soon as you said sinus infection, I was like, I know where this is going. Yeah, it is dairy. Is that wild? I know I sort of got people out there. Try it. Try it for two weeks and just see how you feel. But I do come. I do bring it back a little bit. Like if you don't OD on it, I can bring like I could have a like a cheese board or whatever. Like it won't like it doesn't it doesn't trigger like it used to. Yeah, it has to build up and then it's a problem. Well, also, like if you just I eat goat's milk or sheep's milk, is it way better? And then there's also a lot of vegan cheeses. Yeah, that are great. Yeah. So I mean, there's a whole world. We live in a world now where those kind of and I'm not a vegan, but I'm saying vegan cheese options are fine. Yeah. But so was it rock bottom at when you left Key West? No. Did you ever hit bottom? Was there a bottom or was there? There was never really a bottom. It just started. I came back from Key West and then Cee'sherd I landed went to bed, Cee'sherd, and then was like, holy fuck, because you were off the alcohol. Yeah. So I was coming down. I had to go to the hospital and then I went to the hospital and then cleaned up. And then I'm like, OK, well, I'm going to try this again. Even even that stupid, I was that stupid. Right. So I'm like, OK, well, let me see if I can just dole just drink like vodka rocks. I'm not going to go nuts. And then so I started drinking again, not crazy. And then I just I did that for a couple of months. And then Sandler called me and offered me a part in Happy Gilmore, too. And I was super blown away and excited, you know, because Adam, even though he's like one of my best friends, he to be I was just honored to be invited to that. And then I just was thinking about my life and approaching 50. And I was really going to retire in Key West. And then I kind of had a moment. And this is something I tell people where I'm like, you know what? This isn't I'm not done yet. You know, I need to like buckle down in your 40s and 50s. You really want to like go into that the third act of like your 60s, 70s retirement. You want to give everything you can to your life. You know, and that's why I tell people like I'm not going to say I'm never going to drink again. I'm not going to put that on me. But right now in my 50s, I just want to like, I want to go at life and really put everything into it and then earn that drink when I'm 65, when I'm 70, when I go, you know, when I'm at the end and I've worked and I'm exhausted, I want that cocktail on the beach and I want to like earn that. It's fantastic. But right now I want to like pedal to the metal. Yeah, that's really fantastic that you're able to get to that place without having to go through all of the suffering that is that usually your death. Yeah. Well, I mean, the weird thing is, you know, I won't get into it, but I had been hospitalized a couple of times. Yeah, I had had really scary wake up calls. But yeah, you know, but it's amazing at that when, you know, we've had friends that have gone through that and we've had so many friends. It's like and you don't get a second chance or a third chance or a fourth chance. No, you don't. And you watch people where, you know, we got, I mean, I can probably name 15 to 20 friends who have died. I had eight people die last year. Geez. Of drugs and alcohol. Eight. Eight. Yeah. Geez, Louise. Yeah. I mean, coming off of COVID, people that know, and themselves and couldn't get out of it, man. No one's bigger than that. It's like you can't. It's a it's a no one's. Actually, one person's stronger than it. Abraham Lincoln. How did you meet Sandler? I thought you were going to say, how do you meet Abraham Lincoln? I'm at Sandler. He was a saw my stand up on Comedy Central, wrote my name down and came into the office. Oh, cool. And was like, who is this dude? Why is he like you so much as a person? He's like a good like a brother to me. Yeah. Because he was. Was that the relationship like an old like a brother? Yeah, but we were like, we it was just a normal guy. Like we're just normal dudes. Like he doesn't he has no ego. He doesn't like being around people with ego. Yeah. I grew up on his sensibility. Like a lot of younger people don't like obviously realize like he was on Saturday Night Live. You know what I mean? So when you think about like that cast, I grew up watching them. So when I started writing movies and parts for David Spade and Sandler and stuff like that, it was like really easy for me just because I knew their voice and I knew their style. Right. Right. So Adam, we just hit it off. I mean, it's I used to play basketball. I lost my my vision's crap now. I think I've got a coma. Oh, really? Yeah. It's just hilarious. I'm just like the older you get them, I just like bring it. What else? I'm like that fucking robot that's just, you know, in the corner of the bar in Star Wars. Do you remember Jerry Cole, Joey Cola? Remember Joey Cole back in New York? He was a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great comic. He would do warm up for every show in New York. Yeah, that's right. Really funny, powerful guy. And he came to see me at a show in Long Island and just really nice. Just like came to say hi to the show and stuff. And he's like, hang in there because once you turn 60, it all goes to shit. It's just as soon as you hit 60, there's nothing left. I got this problem and this problem and this problem and this problem. I'm warning you. I'm warning you. And I was like, no, I'm serious. It's all going to shit. Yeah, it's wild. I remember Dana Carvey had a great bit where he goes talking about getting older and they were like, hey, how did you pull your muscle? And he goes, I answered the phone. And then I remember this when I first started working with Adam, I was probably late twenties. So I remember hanging out with Adam and I was eating whatever the fuck I was eating, like buffalo wings and cinnamon rolls or whatever. And Adam's like loves eating too. And I remember he looked at me and he's like, how do you know? And I go, 27. And he goes, that's all going to change. Yeah. What are you eating now? He goes, you're not going to be able to eat like that. And I go, what do you mean? And he's like, you'll see. And literally I remember within. I'm not even I'm not embellishing this within the year. All of a sudden I felt different. And I remember I was so obsessed with playing Xbox. And I would just eat anything and drink Gatorade and play and not work out or anything. And I remember seeing cellulite in my body, like in my gut. And I was like, what the fuck is that? And then, you know, I shifted into my thirties and it was like, yeah, it was wild. And now a word from our sponsors. Ladies and gentlemen, America's finest actor, Nick Swardson. Yes. Watch Nick Swardson's latest comedy special, Toilet Head, available on YouTube. We'd like to thank the good people at Hungry Root. Sometimes you're wandering around and your brain is filled with other stuff. 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And then before you know it, you always have a supply of the things that you need on hand to make great meals. We got it here at the at the podcast. And I got this chicken sausage, which was a maze balls, because I was that's what it was. I was saying I wanted more protein and I want protein during my breakfast because proteins where it's at right now, you know, especially if I have muscles like me, you got to go, you got to build up your protein. So I got this chicken sausage and had that next to my eggs. And I just had stuff there. I even forgot that I had it, that Hungry Root had supplied it, walked into the kitchen. What am I going to do? And it's all there and your brain just comes down and you're like, oh, great. I can, I can make this stuff. What was Danielle saying? She made. You also said she had this vodka sauce that she used to make an incredible chicken sandwich. Chicken sandwich, which I have to really ask her about because she just stepped out, but a vodka sauce to make a chicken sandwich. Sounds incredible. Sounds like she can only do it with Hungry Root. I don't see her coming up with that on her own. If you take advantage of our exclusive offer for a limited time, you get 40% off your first box. Plus you get a free item in every box for life. Go to Hungry Root.com slash Papa PAPA and use the code Papa. That's Hungry Root.com slash Papa code PAPA to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Thank you, Hungry Root. You might have seen Andy Richter trying to dance his way through dancing with the stars, but when he's not missing a step, he's hosting his podcast, the three questions with Andy Richter. Each week he sits down with fascinating guests to ask them the same three questions and somehow every answer takes you somewhere totally new. Recent guests have included Mark Marin, Paula Poundstone, Dave Franco, and his very own Dancing with the Stars partner, Emma Slater. It's funny. It's thoughtful and sometimes even a little weird, just like Andy in the best way. Listen to the three questions with Andy Richter available wherever you get your podcasts. You should. And now back to the show. The thing about quitting drinking is it sucks because then your vice gravitates towards food. Yeah. You know, because also your body is, you know, void of a lot of that sugar. Right. So it's a real, it's, you know, you've got to climb. It is a sugar thing. It is like when people start to crave drinks at the end of the day. Bread, Tom, which you fucking enable people, you know what? On these episodes. And that's why I'm here. You know, I could have forced it and taught you that sourdough bread, you would be able to eat as a diabetic. Is that true? Yeah. But whatever, you don't want to learn. Uh, what food do you only eat when things go really wrong? Like, was there a comfort food that you would eat? Like if you felt really sad? I mean, or celebratory. I was never like a pregnant lady. Celebratory. I'm like, Oh, a bathtub of ice cream. If you're like, if there was a treat, if you could eat anything you could, if you were a martini, God damn it. Son of a bitch. A martini, get me out of here, where's the waiter? Did you? Um, yeah, I don't know. There was never something. It would be anything sweet. I mean, I just love. You love sweets. Yeah. Well, because I grew up, you grew up in Jersey. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how it was in Jersey. In the Midwest, it was legitimately weird if you didn't have dessert. Like if you went to a family function or anything, there would be a myriad of desserts. Right. Like German chocolate cake, cookies, blah, blah, blah. It was, and when I started kind of watching my diet, it was the reaction of like, Oh, no, no, I don't want dessert. And it was like, Oh, no. He's Hollywood. Yeah. That's a funny thing. Yeah. But, um, yeah, especially dairy. When I told people I didn't quit dairy, it was like, yeah, everybody, I'm turns out I'm from Saturn. Like it was that kind of like Nick's a fucking alien. What's going on? That happened to me when I was, I went through a vegetarian phase and went home and everyone was like, Hey, this fucking guy, hey, Tom Papa John's, let's go over there, right? You fucking asshole. You're not going to eat meatballs. You're not going to eat a meatball. Get out of here. Can't believe it. Get out of here. Like an apple. What are you doing? What's the most accurate insult someone's ever given you? Um, Jesus. God, accurate insult. Or maybe not accurate, but maybe, uh, funny. Yeah. Well, people say that I'm like, something makes me laugh. People say you're fat. Yeah. I just did a podcast with my friend, Julian Edelman. And, and so it was set up to where it was like a layback couch. So if you look online, it was fucking after the fact, when I finished doing it, I'm like, Oh, this is going to look terrible. And it's me like this. And it's like the whole podcast and it's me talking about how healthy I am now. But I just look like I've got side job of the hot kind of. And Julian's just like a rock. Yeah, totally. So it's funny when people like roast me for that. Yeah. Because I've also made fun of comedians too about how they look. So I deserve it. What's your, what's your proudest film role? I mean, my proudest is probably, I mean, I would say grandma's boy. Yeah. Just because it was the first movie where they gave me the script and Adam Sandler and Alan Colbert were like, Hey, we don't like this script. Can you just rewrite it? Page one, rewrite the whole thing. Write yourself in the movie, make it rated R, make it crazy. So it was PG 13 at the time. And they said, just go nuts. And so, you know, we were, it was a little movie. It was a five million dollar budget and we had nobody over our shoulder. And we were just kids in a candy store. You know, I got to get all my creativity out in that movie. Yeah. All my suggestions, all my one liners, all my everything, improvs, everything. It was just that was phenomenal. Yeah. God. Yeah. And then my other favorite moment is I was in the movie almost famous. So when I first moved to LA, I was early. Yeah, I was, this is probably 2000 or something. And I was auditioning and hustling and this casting director, Gail Levin. Bless her. She was like, you're really funny. She's like, and I read for one of the leads in the movie and she's like, I don't know if you're right, but you got to be Cameron Crowe. And I'm like, OK, and I was like freaking out because I love Cameron Crowe. Yeah. He was coming off, say anything is one of my favorite movies ever. Jerry McGuire, I mean, he's great. And so I'm like, OK, and so I met with Cameron and he's like, yeah, man, he's like, you're too young for the lead roles, but you're funny. It's like, I want to put you in the movie. Somehow I'm going to figure it out. And I'm like, holy shit. So I tell my agent that and he's like, OK, whatever. And so I went to set and say and Cameron's like, OK, I want you to do this Bowie fan. And he goes, so I'm going to have you in the hotel lobby and I want you to improvise and talk about David Bowie. I remember this. And then when Bowie walks by, you freak out. So I'm like, OK, cool. So I do the scene. I improvise with this guy and I'm like, it's pretty funny. And then blah, blah, blah. And we shoot it and I'm so ecstatic. And I've got, you know, this film credit from a big director. And then the movie came out and they only kept me screaming. There's David Bowie. Right. But it was in the trailer. Yeah. So then it looked like, oh, fuck, Swartz and is in this movie. And it was just the trailer spot. So I had like a good month of milking that trailer. I was like, yeah, man, my movie's coming out. It was like, yeah, man, when it comes out, don't go to the bathroom. Do not go to the bathroom. Just watch the whole thing and you'll see me. So that was one of my proud moments. I thank Cameron Crow forever for that. Because that, you know, it's those little things. Did you ever have that like a moment that validated you as an actor, as a performer, where you were like, oh, yeah, I'm fucking. Yeah. And it's that it's the it's having somebody sign off and be like, no, I think I see something and I'm going to use you in this thing. Like when Soderbergh kind of came into my orbit and started putting me in stuff, it was like, no one's cooler than this guy. Like you could tell me one of the coolest. You could tell me like I'm not right for this Coke commercial or you could tell me I'm not right for this sitcom that's going to be on ABC that nobody's ever going to see. Right. But this guy, this Academy Award winning like artist is like, I want to use you and keeps putting you in things. It was like, oh, all right, I'm not crazy. Yeah. Right. No, it's a great. It's coming. It's more than ecstatic. It's just calming. Like I thought I could do this. Yeah. You know, and it's it's important to pass that down. I mean, it really is like anybody out there, anybody in your life, you know, it means a lot when somebody just goes like, hey, you know what? You're great. You're doing great. Yeah. You know, like this is. Cool. Yeah. Because you can really coast on those. And I've always been any comedian I see online. There's so fucking many now. It's like, yeah, so many comics. But if something's funny, I'll just DM the person and be like, hey, that was really great. Yeah. And people will be like, oh, whoa, I didn't expect that. And I'm like, yeah, that bit's really, really funny. Yeah. And I used to do it all the time. I used to bring comedians I would see and I'd be like, hey, do you want to do a gig with me? I remember there was a kid in Minnesota at Acme Comedy Company, which is my home club. It's the best. And I remember going to the open mic. I need an opener and I was doing a gig in North Dakota. And so there's this dude Brooks Robinson. He was really funny. And I the owner, Lewis Lee, was like, hey, you got to watch this kid. And I'm like, OK, I watch him. He's really funny. And I'm like, hey, man, you're really great. That was awesome. Yeah. It's like, thanks. And I go, what are you doing on Friday? And he's like, nothing. I'm like, do you want to open for me at this college? I'm like, I just need to do like 10 minutes and I'll give you like, you know, whatever, 500 bucks. I'm driving up with my buddies and he was like, yeah, totally. So we can drive up and this dude, it's only done open mics. Drive up to this gig and we get to the theater and he goes, we show up backstage. And he goes, how many people is this? And I go, I don't think. Well, how many of the guys? Four thousand. And I'm like, oh, it's like four thousand. And he goes, oh. And I go, why? What's wrong? And he goes, you know that open mic that you saw me? And I go, yeah, he goes, that's the biggest crowd I've ever done. And I go, and I didn't even think about that. And I was like, oh, my God, I just plucked this dude off of. To me, I didn't think about it. Yeah, you're funny. And I go, dude, I go, don't fucking panic. I go, just treat four thousand people like it was the hundred people at the open mic. Just talk to him just like that. Yeah. And he's like, OK, and he went out and he killed. Nice. I was so proud of him. It's so great. Yeah, but it's fun, you know, long story short to validate people because that little goes so long. I coasted off that famous thing. Just like you said, psychologically. Yeah, I was just like, hey, I'm not in the wrong place. You need people to encourage you. Like from Lucian saying you can work here to. Yeah. Sandler saying I wrote down your name. Like you need those people to because there's so much self doubt. And there's and there, especially in the beginning, there's so many years where you're watching other people start getting stuff. And you're like, oh, no, like, why aren't I getting that thing? You need people to encourage you just to keep you working just so you keep working out completely. And that's the thing, too. It's like you can't, especially people in this business or in general, you've got to just put blinders on. You can't go compare yourself to other people. That's a big. And go like, well, they got that. Well, why are they? Well, what the fuck is that? Yeah, it's like, focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. Develop yourself. Blinders is a huge thing. Blinders is a huge thing. Just enjoy the ride. And, you know, it doesn't it doesn't do anything to hold back anybody else's thing because we're all going to die. So you want to let's just take it from me. Glaucoma Jones. Glaucoma Jones coming this fall. Tune in. What's your favorite tattoo and your least favorite tattoo? They're all my favorites. They are. Yeah, I think most of them were drunk, which I still stand by them. Oh, really? Yeah. This one. You ever wake up with one where you didn't know you got it? No, that would be bad. Yeah. If I just don't remember having a needle burn into my arm for an hour. I don't know. I believe it. That's my phone number. I believe it. Well, there's this one, which is it looks like a teardrop, but it's a half of a heart. And it says BTE, which is best trip ever. And there's a two in it. So it's best trip ever part two with half of a heart. And the other half is Chris Kirkpatrick from In Sync. He has the other half of the heart and we got it on a cruise ship. Yeah. It was amazing. We went up. We did a cruise with the band train. And I love cruises. They're so fun. And so before me and Chris board, I didn't know I met Chris before the cruise at the hotel bar and we were both fans. I was like, dude, I love you. He's like, I love you. And then so this guy comes up to us and he goes, hey, man, I do tattoos on the boat. If you guys want to tattoo and we're both like, yeah, we're not going to tattoo on a cruise ship. We're not doing. And then like day five, we were on a bender and we were like, yep, this is happening. Like fucking now now. And Chris's wife was like, what is going on here? And we were like, don't worry about it. This is important. And we got matching tattoos. It's very that's beautiful. And then zero fucks is one of my favorites. Yeah, I like that one. I don't know if you can see that. But yeah, yeah, it's there. There you go. Zero fucks. It really is kind of that sums up. Yeah. At a certain point in life, you're just like, all right, I get it. I'm old and fat. Did you ever when you were younger? And I don't think when you were younger, did you ever have like other comics or, you know, things where you did give a fuck where you thought, oh, shit, maybe I'm like, like I said earlier, like you are exactly the same guy as when I first met you. And it was just freedom and fun and just energy. Did you ever have anyone knock you off that path? We're giving a fuck. Got in the way. What do you mean? I don't know if I understand the question. Like, did you ever have like the cool kids think I'm an idiot for jumping around on stage at? Um, I had people. People were pretty supportive just because it would be weird to be like, fuck that, dude, you would have to be satanic. And be like, this guy is too fucking happy. So, I mean, I heard stuff like behind my back. Yeah. A lot of people's, you know, not a lot, but people were like, you know, fuck that, dude, or a lot of people would try to take me down by comparing me to other people. So they would be like, when I was started out in Minnesota, you know, I was really impressionable and I hung out with John Bush a lot. So I would sometimes I would do his mannerisms and people would write me off. They'd be like, oh, he's just stealing from John, which I didn't, you know, John was a good friend of mine. Yeah. Through osmosis, you would pick up things. Yeah. And then like when I first moved to New York, I had people go like, oh, this guy thinks he's Dane Cook. And this is 1998. So, hey, I didn't know who the fuck Dane Cook was. Right. So I was just like, who? And Dane Cook wasn't even anybody then, you know what I mean? So it was like, and like, oh, it's this guy from Boston, super high energy and you're just basically doing this shit. Right. So, you know, that's what some people kind of do to take you down a peg is to be like, oh, they're not their own thing. They're just derivative and that's why they're successful and doing well. Yeah. So it wasn't the case. And then, you know, I got to know Dane, but it was like, you know, that was the only kind of backlash I would have. Yeah, yeah. That fucking bullshit. Yeah. And you didn't give a fuck. You just kept doing it. No, but also like the people that were funny, whenever people are secure in what they do, they're always cool. Right. I mean, a common question is people go like, who's an asshole in this business? Like, who have you met that's an asshole? Yeah. And I mean, honestly, it's pretty few. It's not a lot. It's really not a lot. And the higher up people are, they actually the cooler that they are. If you meet them at that point. Right. Like, I, right, like, you know, people who are really successful and you're like, I just love this guy or this girl. I just, I get along great with them. People who knew them on the way up, certain on the way up are like, oh, no, I didn't like when they were desperate and trying to figure it out. Right. It was a different, like the security that comes with success. Yeah. Makes them kind of mellow out and be cool. Right. Totally. And then you see people like on the way down and then that's what's interesting is people that, you know, you're kind of like, it's the people who are adjusting to a new reality. Right. Where you're like, oh, yeah, like, you know, you're not up here anymore, but you're still here. Yeah. You're still at, you know, yeah. And, you know, they can be weird. Right. So it's kind of interesting, but for the most part, everyone's pretty cool. It's a weird, yeah. I find that, especially with comedians. Yeah. Yeah. That the, the, it's just a handful of people who are, you know, you could have had a problem with. Yeah. But for the most part, just so people know, like comedians, it's such a really tight knit group because nobody knows what we go through in terms of the psychology and just trying to, you know, just trying to get through, you know, shows and even just the, the, the whole genesis of the internet and how that affected our business and how just crazy it is now. Yeah. Do you like watching comedies or dramas? Dude, I can't watch comedies, man. You can't. It's so hard. Yeah. It's so tricky because you know everybody and well, I know everybody and I would just do everything differently. You know what I mean? Like I'm also a producer and a writer. So I would go, okay, well, why didn't they do that? They should have opened with that. Right. And then that person's miscast and then that, you know, they should have gone right from there to this. They could, they could, you know, so it just fucks my brain out. Right. You know, cause I'm like, I don't know. But if you watch a drama, I love dramas, I love sci-fi. Right. I love stuff like that. Because you feel like you're not doing the same math. No, cause I'm excited. Right. You know, so I want to see where it goes because I don't know that world that will, you know, you're not constantly thinking about how to make that. Yeah. Right. Like, how do you, how do I make that cancer movie funnier? It's like, but here's how dorky I am. Is that I love, I started doing Comic-Cons. So I started doing Comic-Cons last year and I was approached to do them for a while and I was just always indifferent or busy. And then I did some on a hiatus from touring and it was so fucking fun. Right. Well, because you just go and you spend a weekend and the fans are awesome. Like they're so loyal. They come up and they've got stories and they're so sweet and they've been around forever. They're like, all of people will be like, I remember you when almost famous. And I'm like, no way. But the thing about it is like you meet all these people or I see old friends, but a lot of it, like I'm such a cultured dork. Like I'm a kid from the 80s, you know, in the 90s and stuff like that. So I get to meet people like I did a Comic-Con with Jamie Farr. Oh, really? From MASH, you know, and like we remember Jamie Farr. And I was like, oh my God. And, you know, stuff like that is super awesome. Like I did one with like the guys from Perfect Strangers were there. And some of the people from Threes Company. And it's amazing. Yeah, it's so cool. I didn't realize it was that it was it's everything. It's everything. Like sci-fi. No, that's the thing. It's everything, man. It's like one of the last ones I did. It was in Pittsburgh and I remember I was in the green room and it was me and John Stamos, Dave Couillet, Dee Schneider, Garrett Hadland, Shia LaBeouf, Ron Perlman. There was more people. Edward Furlong. It's like a Mad Magazine cartoon. Yeah, totally. It's just a grab bag of, you know, everyone's just hanging out. It's, oh, man. What do you have people come up to the most for? Probably Grandma's Boy and Reno 911. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How long did you do? Did you do the whole run of Reno? I did the whole run, dude, seven years. Wow. Yeah. Such a standout. Oh, thanks. Such a standout. It was super fun. Yeah. Did you have, did you get to create that character? I created it 100 percent. Roller skates were you? Yeah, they called me up and they were like, hey, we have this show. The cops were friends of mine from New York, Kira Kinney and Tom Lennon. Do you ever know those guys in New York? Not really. OK. I never really ran into those guys. Because there was another scene in New York, which was like kind of the alternative scene. Yeah, more of the sketch guy. It was more sketch and like, like more storytelling and stuff like that. Yeah. But so anyway, they were like, we have this show Reno 911 and it's a cop show and we need criminals to arrest. So we're going to improvise the whole thing. So you just create a character and I'm like, OK, criminal streets, Reno. I'm like, OK, what if I'm a prostitute? And they're like, yeah, OK. And I'm like, what if I'm a gay prostitute? But I don't say I'm gay and I say I have a wife, but I'm like so fucking gay that it's off the charts, fucking gay. And they're like, OK. And then I'm like, and I just make up rumors on the street, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, OK, cool. And then I'd gotten free roller skates from a party. Yeah. And at the last minute, I was like, what if I'm just on roller skates the whole time? And they were like, yeah, they're like, perfect. That's so great. I love that. I love those moments when it's nothing premeditated. You're just like the last second things that come and end up being so big. Oh, my God. Yeah. It was just so random. I ran for seven years. I did five movies. And that's the other thing people are like, are you going to go back and do it? I'm like, no. Like I was what, 24 when I was on that show. Amazing. No, the 50 year old body is not skating around. Roller skates at 50 is like, might as well just fucking play Russian roulette. You know what I mean? But a really funny, but a really funny, just like quick cameo in and out kind of like, was that? No. Was that? So where's your head out now? Because you're you're you're always writing and producing and getting cast and that kind of thing with just the way the landscape and where you're at now and how few things are being made. Yeah, it's really weird. Yeah. Well, it feels weird, right? It feels weird because you just don't know. We're going into another gray area of, you know, AI and what's going to happen and, you know, is are you going to go to the comedy club and it's just going to be a thing on stage like, what's the deal? You know, and you're like, oh, all right. I guess that's the headliner. Yeah. Z-Bop, Z-Boo-Beep. Yeah. So I've got four original screenplays that I've written. One of them I'm getting off the ground now. Oh, yeah. And then I just want to get back on camera and I want to get movies back in the theater. There's several people just trying to get comedies back out there. I know it's just great. Spade and Theo have one. And I'm just trying to like, I'm getting this movie going. And then I just miss comedies in the theater. And I don't, you know, the funny thing is, is I've I have these four original screenplays. They're all comedies. And I had some of the more old scripts that I rewrote, but I had to like update them to the world now, because when I wrote a script 15 years ago, smartphones weren't as prevalent. All these things you have to kind of update. And that's pretty surreal. Yeah, it's wild. Going so fast. I know. And then another movie I can't say, because it's not officially announced yet, but there's another big movie this summer. And I created a TV show called Con Artists. That's based on Comic-Con. It's about three Comic-Con agents. And they're a world of competitive craziness. And so, yeah, I just want to, yeah, I want to get back on camera. Well, I still kind of look like, you know, like Nick. Yeah, I don't want to cross over to where you're you're unsure. Well, you can be in the new version. We do a thing on this program called an uncomfortable moment. OK. And I think we're at it now. It's great to hear that you've got a lot of things going. Yeah, not kind of like. Yeah. And hopefully you'll. And I'll always look out for Stephen Soderbergh's protege. Well, that's what I was going to say. Like, of course, I feel like it's. I don't want to say overdue, but. You could say overdue. Probably overdue that I'm brought into your film orbit. Yeah, that's true. For the record, Tom doesn't know how to roller skate. Otherwise, he could have played a key part. Yeah, I do know how to really skate. That's not what I was told by the roller skate mafia. They said you were too good. Actually, I lied. They said that you were. I do get that a lot. That's a funny design. Roller ranks. That was like a thing. Yeah, roller. Ranks. Yeah. That's where I got my first kiss. Of course. Come on. Yeah, that's how you met Seinfeld. Boy, kiss me. What the fuck? Tommy fucking pussy. It's not just about skating. I wish he would just snap like that. Fuck you. Tommy fucking bitch. What a terrible impression. It's terrible. Yeah, but you got the gist. Yeah. OK, what is the thing? No, that was it. That was the uncomfortable moment. I love it. How did you meet Seinfeld then? Because that's another thing with me and Sandler. That must have been validating. Oh, completely. I mean, like, how great was that? I always say that that was the biggest break of my career because it was when I was like, I had done Conan and a couple of little things, but it was just like, you know, that thing of like trying to. Am I going about this the right way? Like, am I supposed to be like drinking and smoking on stage or like I just like to write jokes and try and go up and do them. And and I ran into him at Stand Up New York and I was on stage and remember Stand Up New York, you could see through that window to the bar and I saw him walk in the second night. Oh, my God. And I was like, and I was like, I'll show him different material, you know? So I quickly like showed him material. I didn't do the night before. And when I walked off and came by the bar, this does sound like a romance. And I do come up, I came up by the bar and he was like, it called me over and there's nobody there. And he was like, you're really funny. I said, really? And he's like, yeah, you got some really. And he was asking like, what are you up to and like, what are you doing? And and just like really encouraging conversation at the bar. Yeah. And that thing of like having somebody tell you. Yeah, you're you're good. Just keep going. Yeah. It was like that was it. And then so then he didn't know that many people. So when he came to the clubs, I was just there and I wasn't annoying. Right. And we would talk comedy and and then he asked me to open for him. That's great. Yeah. That was a huge thing. Yeah. When I first heard you were doing that, I was like, yeah, of course. It just made sense. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you guys have a similar sensibility. You were never I mean, not that I, you know, I haven't seen you live in a while. But I mean, you were never like filthy or anything like that. So that also helps with, in a way, you know. Yeah. Well, it just matched. We were very similar. We laughed at the. So then you laugh at the same stuff off stage. Yeah. I love it. Sandler very like you have a very good, very silly sense, right? Sensibility. So it's easy to hang. Yeah. You know, and people don't realize that about comics. It doesn't matter that you're the biggest TV star in the world. You're also a comic. Yeah. So you're just a regular guy looking to laugh all the time with your dumb friends. Yeah, totally. Yeah. We're just like comedians are just clowns. I mean, at the end of the day, it's just silly people. Yeah. Right. Exactly. But it's also, you know, the thing that I love too, and with comedy, you know, people always, I always looked at people that were trying to be dirty or trying to be edgy and it felt so contrived. It's yeah. You know, it's not them. Yeah. And it's like, you don't need one of the best things when I wrote the movie Grandma's Boy, it was a hard R. And it wasn't like filthy, but it was it was R, you know. And then after that, I wrote the movie Benchwormers and that was a broad PGP, PG 13 comedy. And it was an interesting muscle to like, you know, because people are like, why don't you just, you know, PG 13 is not funny. Right. And it's like, no, you can be hilarious. Right. Like you and Seinfeld are fucking hilarious. Guys like that, Brian Regan. Right. Where like you don't, it's a misconception that you have to be filthy to be funny. It's it's I don't know. It's kind of fascinating that people think because so many great comedies are PG and PG 13. Right. I mean, the jerk isn't filthy. Right. You know what I mean? Caddy Shack's not filthy. No. Even Dumb and Dumber and Happy Gilmore, PG 13. Right. Right. I mean, it's wild. Yeah. There is that perception. Yeah. I mean, like as I always think of it like when I was a kid, if I saw if I saw people being dirty and speaking a certain word, you know, dropping F bombs and stuff as a young kid, you're like, what? You're like excited because no one in your adult universe in real life talks that way. Yeah. So you get excited. Oh, yeah, totally. Come on. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty. When you're 14, 15, you're like, yeah, let's go. But then when you get older, you realize, oh, no, there's the different ways of of doing all of this. Yeah. Yeah. I try to limit saying fuck and stuff like that. I'm always whatever comes out naturally. I mean, like, well, right. To what you're saying, like it's I went through a moment at the comedy cellar where I was following a tell every night. And I was like, I've got to be dirty or I'm not going to survive. Yeah. And it wasn't the thing because I would try and be dirty. And people, the audience who never met me, didn't know me. We'll be like, what are you doing? Yeah. Like they knew just from your essence. Yeah. That guy and that's where the blinders comes in. It was like, I know the solve of this is don't watch these guys before you go on. Yeah, don't just sit with your friends and then at the last second, go down and go on. Yeah, go on into your thing and then you can totally be yourself. Yeah. Instead of trying to be. I want to see video of Tom Popp going up your day. You guys are eating. Have you ever taken a shit on someone's chest? What is the deal? Yeah, but I tell I love David. Tell is all the time. Greats. I mean, all rush more great. And I remember there were a lot of people trying to be David. Tell a lot of people's David. Tell spin offs. But I remember at the Boston Comedy Club, which is not there anymore. It was a Boston Comedy Club. It was in New York in the village. Doesn't make any sense. Yeah. But anyway, I would have seen that was the. Oh my God. What is that Monday night? Dude, I remember a couple of things. I remember Bert Kreischer hanging out. He just wanted to try stand up. He had just had an article in Rolling Stone. I remember Demetri Martin skateboarding around. He was a law student or lawyer. Yeah, that's right. And he wanted to try stand up. Yeah. And I have so many memories. I remember Kevin Hart going on for like two people. I mean, it was fucking. That Monday night open mic, like they would put established guys on and then give you a shot and the place was packed. Yeah, it was just with young people like the whoever was the ultimate one in charge was probably 25. Yeah, like 28. Yeah, literally. It was just all kids like stuffed into this place. And then like who the round guy red Johnny and the round guy who just go and crush and like it was just such a Kevin Brennan would go up and kill in Patrice and like people would kill. Well, it was brutal for me because when I came from Minnesota, I was spotless clean, like spotless. So I had to come into this New York environment. Yeah. And it was a towel and boss and Patrice and Norton and all these guys. And DiPallo and I was like, fuck, you know, because I wasn't. I didn't have really any edge at all, which worked in my favor, but I needed earlier spots. Right. Like I couldn't. But I remember there was so many times. I remember one time I had to go after a towel and I lied. So I told Gina Savage, she was booking it. Oh, yeah. And I go, hey, can I go on before Dave? And she was like, yeah, why? And I'm like, oh, I've got another set of towel. And so she was like, OK, and I go, hey, Dave, is it cool if I go on before you? And he was like, yeah. And so I go do my set. Yeah. And then I go and I watch Dave. I stay and watch Dave and Dave's on stage and he's doing his bit. And he fucking looks over and he goes, thought you had to be uptown. And I was like, oh, busted. But yeah, the great thing about New York is, you know, people always ask if you've ever bombed, which everybody bombs, you know, and you you have to bomb if you don't, you know, you're not really growing. Yeah, you know, like you need that sucker punch. But it is debilitating. And I remember at the Boston Comedy Club, I got booed off and I went up and it was a late, late show crowd, like on a Saturday, like one in the morning and booed off, booed off, yeah, which I feel like audiences don't do anymore. Like that is not the 90s. It was the 90s. It was like, you know, Def Jam and Apollo. And like it was like kind of funny. Young audiences at the at the Carolines and stuff like that. If they didn't like you within the first couple of minutes, they would just start booing. They would get out of here. If you didn't get them, they would literally be like, get the fuck off the stage. Yeah. Now people are quiet and they just don't whatever. But then people would just actively just be. Yeah. Oh, you suck. It is jarring. So people watching, that's your worst nightmare. And that's why people don't like public speaking is because, yeah. You know, it really, I remember I was so shell shocked that I couldn't go on stage for a good, like maybe week to weeks. Yeah. I had to force myself to get back up there because, you know, at the end of the day, it's not that big of a deal. You get booed at whatever. It's a different crowd every night, but it's still really jarring. I had a funny moment of that at the comic strip. And I just started getting regular spots. And it was like, it wasn't even that late of a show. It was probably like a 10 o'clock show or something. Right. And I went up and I just something happened and I just ate it. I just could not get them. And I was just like flailing like, so where do you work? You know, it was like I bombed and people were grumbling and stuff. And I was just like, got the light early and I come off stage to the back of the comic strip. Like you'd go through this little hallway to the board where people would the other comics were waiting to go on and I come off and Chris Rock was there unannounced and I was just like, oh, hey, dude, are you going to go on? And he looked at me went, I was gonna. Oh, my God. And I had to get on a flight the next morning and didn't get to do stand up for like two weeks because I had to go on vacation. Oh, my God. And I just like you don't feel good again until you get back on stage. You know, you can do it, right? And I used to walk around with two weeks just with Chris's voice in my head going, I was gonna, I was gonna. Oh, that hurt. Yeah. I remember one of my favorite bombing moments was one of my good buddies is Zach Alfenakis. Yeah. And Zach and I shared an apartment on Ludlow. How's that? I remember that. Me and him, Bobby Tisdale, 80 miles, revolving door. Yeah. And so I remember Zach used to do stand up New York. Yeah. And I remember one time he was on stage. And I was in the back of the room and we had gone there together and I was sitting there and Zach is bombing horribly. And he's bombing so bad to silence. And I'm sitting in the back and he fucking takes his phone out and calls my phone rings and I'm like, he's calling me on stage. And I'm like, hello. And he's like, this crowd is fucking awful. And I go, what's up? I go, yeah. And he's like, yeah, I was like, where do you want to eat? And I'm like, I don't know. And he just talked about, he's like, do you want to go to like Katz's or and I'm like, yeah, sure. And he's like, OK, and he hangs up the funny. It's like, sorry, I had to take that. I got to get out of here. And then just walked off stage. It's the funniest bombing moment. We're over the Dublin house. Yeah, exactly. Just drink giant beers. God. I remember seeing you and you and Zach for some reason. I don't know if you'll even remember that you guys were hammered, but you had gotten these straw hats. You had, you were like on Bleecker Street. And I was like running to go do a spot. And the two of you had these like straw, like, like Acapulco hats with like all the like the reeds sticking off of them. And you're like, we found these hats. I don't know what you were trying to do. We were trying to like bark to tourists for money or something. You just both of you just wasted with these hats. So yeah, those guys have fun. Yeah, we had a lot of fun. It's great. Oh, man. Well, this was fantastic. It was nice catching up with you. I love it. I love you. Thank you for having me. And, and let me know, like, you know, if you can let me know about the films, like with enough time, because a lot of times on tour, I don't like to cancel the last minute. Oh, yeah. So like, just let me know, like when I have to be there and stuff. Yeah, of course I will. And I'm going to make sure your wardrobe is impeccable. Yeah. Last question. Can you ever go back to Key West? What am I allowed? No, what do you mean? Like, would you or would it trigger off? No, I've actually done it several times. Oh, you have. Yeah, I do the Key West Theater, which is great. Oh, yeah, I love that stuff. I've gone back and been totally sober. Oh, good. Yeah. I mean, it's just, and then, you know, in summation, it's just, if you want to quit drinking, you just, just look at it like, and this is how I feel, where it's like, OK, I'm not done forever because that puts so much pressure on you. You just got to go, you can do anything. Just like make a goal. Like, you know what? I want to earn this. I want to retire and then think about it. You know what I mean? Right. Because when people are like, oh, you can never, ever drink again. And then I would get anxiety and I'm like, well, fuck you. You know, right. And then if you do have one, then it's you're going to go to town. Yeah, but it's like, you just have to focus. And I've done Key West for a whole week without drinking. I've done Vegas. I've done cruise ships. It's just, it's just a better life, honestly. And if you need help, reach out and get help. But I'm not going to bore you with all that, but it's just, it's really, really important and also try quitting dairy for two weeks. Yeah. I mean, Tom can fucking do it. We're idiots. Yeah, you can breathe through your nose. Idiots, we can breathe through your nose. Well, I'm glad you, you've navigated all of it. You're just, you've just been such a fun part of my life, just in my comedy life, knowing that you're always around and making fun stuff is really, it truly means a lot. No, I love that. We'll likewise.