"Stephen Colbert"

Oxford Montessori School is now Oxford Millwood School. A new name, the same genuine care, academic ambition and belief in every child. Set within a beautiful rural campus, just 20 minutes from Oxford City Centre. Our small classes, personalised pathways and strong send expertise give pupils the support, challenge and confidence they need to succeed, especially those who may not have thrived in larger settings. Find out more at our Open Day on May the 21st. Search Oxford Millwood School Open Day. Hey Sean, my name's Jason. You know what I love 300 of? What? Almonds, summer salads, tidy whities, matcha lattes. What about you? You like 300 of anything? My name is Sean Hayes and I like 300 glasses of milk. I also like 300 pounds of spaghetti and I also like 300 pound men. La la la, la la la, 300. Welcome to the 300th episode of Smart List! Hey listen, let's have a lot of love today. Hey, let's have a good one. Why? You want to know what? It's someone's birthday today. Whose birthday? A little pod creature called Smart List. How old is it? Isn't she 300 years old? 300 episodes old. 300 episodes old? Oh, she looks so good. I mean, she's still getting around. I think that our guest was clapping. That's nice. Okay, well then now it feels like that's about the guest. But does it feel like 300, you guys? No. That's 300 weeks, which is how many years? God. 300 weeks is six years. But it's coming up in six years. That's insane. 300 divided by 56. Well, thank you. Thank you. You should go out to those who are giving us some ear time. Thank you very much for listening to us. It seems unlikely. It seems very unlikely that you would continue to listen to us at all in the first place. I know. I guess a thank you would go out to the guests as well then, because that is the reason we're not being falsely modest here. We do this little dribble for a few minutes, and then we get into the real draw, which is the guest. Well, we thank them for coming. And we also thank Bennett, Rob, and Michael for helping us get here. Yeah, I just think we got it. It's a really robust audience. What an audience. It's incredible. Yeah, we should give you right now. We don't do this alone. Yeah, Bennett, Barber Cow, and Rob Armjörv, and Michael Grant Terry. Such integral and important pieces to this whole thing in part of our team. We're all in the team together. Are they? No, they are. We know them. They are the feathers and the wind between the wings. We love you guys. We love you guys a lot, and you guys do an awesome job. We love you. Yes. I don't know if people out there understand what an awesome job you guys do. It's really pretty remarkable. So thank you. Yes, thank you, guys. You would have turned this off years ago were it not for their work. Yeah, yeah, you're right. And who else do we want to thank? What about your parents? Thank you, parents. Thank your team. Thank my team. Thank your team, Will. Obviously, I always want to thank, at every opportunity, I want to thank CAA for everything. You know that I… Scotty, Scotty's done a lot right from the get go. He helped us a lot getting us going on social media and doing videos and stuff. From the beginning. Jason's wife for keeping him in line. Getting us in front of the microphone. She's like a lion tamer. She is. So, Sean, you go ahead. You have something you want to say. I'd be remiss if we didn't bring something up that's very, very exciting. We've got a bowl full of good news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. We're going to try this again, guys. I'm going to try it again, yo. This is big. So, it's breaking the clouds. Yeah, we're bringing smart lists. We're bringing smart lists to one of the most iconic spots in the world, the Hollywood Bowl. Remember when we tried that last year? And then you got rained out. Yeah, this fall. This time, yeah. Yeah, where's the date on it? It is Saturday, October 17th. This is a true story. We're really doing it Saturday, October 17th. Tickets go on sale Friday, April 10th, at 10amatsmartlist.com slash live. 10am Pacific. 10am Pacific. 10 Pacific, sorry. And guess what else? Our listeners have a chance to get tickets first. Our pre-sale begins Wednesday, April 8th, at 10am Pacific visit smartlist.com slash live. And enter our code. You guessed it, Tracy with an E. Yep. T-R-A-C-Y. For first access. And I will say this too, because a lot of people were bummed. And remember, there were so many people came up with this. It's awful. So for those of you who had purchased tickets, for last year's Reigned Out show, be sure to check your emails, because we set up a special time for you to purchase tickets. That's what we do for the listeners. Oh, wait, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did a special thing for the people who... So you just get an email saying, hey, you can buy tickets. Yeah, hey, hey. Wait, wait, but did they get their money back for the tickets they purchased last time? They did. They got a refund. They got a refund. All right. Now, but now they got an email saying, hey, you get the, you know, jump the line or whatever it is, you know? Very nice. All right. So that's October 17th at the Hollywood Bowl. If you don't live in Los Angeles, get on a bus, a train, a plane, a car, whatever you need to do, just start walking maybe now. Get out here. It's going to be special. I'm so glad that we're doing this again. I am really, really glad. Me too. And a lot of people... Yeah, me too. Me too. Anyway, listen, so much fun stuff, but you know what? We're wasting time. We're wasting his time. He's, and by the way, he has, does not have time to waste yet. He doesn't. He is someone... Doesn't have time to waste yet. He's a friend. He's such a friend of the show. He came on super early days. Is this a double return? This is a return because he's a friend of the show, because we love him so much. Once I start naming all the stuff he's done, you're going to know instantly, and even though our audience already knows because they're listening, but I can just tell you some of his accomplishments, and maybe you'll get it. He first soloed Everest at 18, oxygen-free, without a Sherpa. He swam the English Channel in a hurricane. He's won 19 Home and Garden Awards. He's Conan O'Brien's number one enemy, and he won a Nobel Prize for farting. You guys, it's Stephen Colbert! Brilliant. Brilliant. I like the technology I was asked to use to disguise myself. I was really excited there for a second that we were going to have an Everest Summitor on this show. Yeah, I want to correct that. I did not summit Everest without a Sherpa. It was without a shirt. We were going up in teams, and it was shirts versus skins. You know that? This was in middle school. This was in middle school. The coach was just like, he didn't have enough pennies, so it was like shirts and skins. We lost a lot of people on the South call. We lost half the debate team on the South call. Never came back. They're still up there. They're still young. And it was refereed by Sir Edmund Hillary of all things, which is amazing. Wait, would you do that if you had an opportunity to at least go to base camp? I don't like heights. Let's go around. I don't like heights. I really don't. I would do it. I would do it. I would do it, too. I kind of like the cold like that. There's something about that mountain that just gets me all cray-cray. Bullshit. There's something about that mountain. There's something about that mountain. That is reaching for manhood. There's just something about that mountain. I'm a K2 man myself. Now, I stop at Akangagwa. Okay. I only do South American peaks. Really, you're an Everest. That's kind of basic. Is that kind of basic to be an Everest guy? Of course not. Oh, the Beatles are great. I love Everest. I get my gas at Exxon. Fuck you. You're a poser. You're a fucking poser. He landed. You're a shirt. You're a shirt. You were on the shirt team. He's shirt. He died on the thing. He, Bateman lands at fucking Catman do. He checks out the bus that picking him up, and he is back on the plane. Right. He's so back to Dubai to make his connection down. There's no Wi-Fi. Soon as there's no Wi-Fi, I'm back on the bus. What's the thread count? What's the thread count at 26,000 feet? Way too low. Way too low. Do you know when I was in middle school, Steven, I used to hate shirts and skins. I used to get so self-conscious because I don't want to take my shirt off. Yeah, I wasn't in great shape. I love it. I know you did. No. Of course you did. You could've waited for it. Yeah. I had nipples the size of pepperonis. It was not. Me too. Me too. They used to call me Shakies. Shakies Pizza, Los Angeles. And they used to take napkins and get the grease off of them. You'd volunteered to ref. You'd say, I'll just ref. I'm good. I'm good. What if I were the goal? Well, Willie did some goalie time. Willie was a good goalie in hockey, right? There's no shirts and skins there. What time zone are you in, Will? Are you in New Zealand? Space. No, I'm in Los Angeles. It's early morning here. What time is it? It's 9.45, but I just, yeah. Do I look crazy? But Bateman, aren't you in Los Angeles too? I'm in Los Angeles and you two are in the New York City. I'm in New York City. Yeah, I'm in New York. I'm in a dark room, Stephen. I'm in my little booth. Oh, I see. Yeah. Stephen, what's going on? How much longer? Do you stay in New York City when you're done with the show? Yeah, until the court order. I have to stay in the tri-state area. So that's still pending? Just so they lift the court order. I have to stay in the tri-state. That's still in effect. I mean, we're appealing. Sure. But whatever judge you get, that is not to do. Such a game, of course. It's who you know, man. It's who you know at Child custody. I can't believe at this stage of the game you're still playing this courtroom politics. It's unbelievable. You know, I guess I'll stay in New York. New York is home? New York's been home for how long? I got, let's see. My first New York gig was in 1990. Why did I leave Second City? Sorry for the boredom here. No, we'll tighten this up. We'll tighten it all up. 94. 94. 94, and that came to me. I came to New York to work for HBO Downtown Productions. I worked on a show called Eggs of 57. Oh, yeah. I do not recommend it. I do not think we knew what we were doing. Wait, why would I remember that? It was a sketch show. It was the year that it was like, there was this one year where if you had any kind of sketch group, you got a show. It was us, it was the state, it was kids in the hall were still doing their thing. They were the end of their thing. Wait, but who was the Eggs of 57 with you? I remember Amy Sideris, Paul Donnello, Jody Lennon, and Mitch Rouse. It was the five of us. And then our director was a guy named Mick Napier. I don't know if you know him, Mick. No, but that's... Improv director. It was the five of us. And I lived here, I just got married, of course, just got married and got a gig in New York. My wife, Evie, stayed in, I call her my wife, it's a pet name. And she stayed in Chicago. I came and I lived in a seminary. I lived in the general theological seminary in the Episcopal Church. I lived in the dorms. I lived in a garret, like one of these garrets. On 21st Street over there? Yeah, yeah, down there. I lived in that thing. It's really beautiful. Beautiful, those grounds are insane. Yeah, there was just started in 1827. It's where a night before Christmas takes place. Because Clement Clark... Jason. Sorry? What happened? Jason, wait, quick mention golf. Oh, fuck, we're recording. Quick mention golf, Stephen, mention golf. Oh, the lawn out there is just... It is a Bentley bluegrass. It's chippable. Unvariable. Very chippable. Anyway, I lived in there. My room had hot and hot running water. That was my first gig. So I came here in 94. But then I moved back. I would go back between seasons until the Carvey Show, which was 90... 96. The Dana Carvey Show we've mentioned before on this podcast is the craziest group of talent of maybe the greatest group. Wasn't Steve Carell on that too? Go ahead. Carell and I were office mates. We had been in Second City together. And then it was me, Carell, Dino Stamatopoulos, Mike Stayanov, Louis C.K. was head writer. Robert Smigel was executive producer, of course, Dana Carvey. John Glazer, Robert Carlock. Yes, yes. And Charlie Kaufman. Wow. Was this on NBC? Dude. Yeah, and Heather Morgan. Yeah. Dude. This was on ABC at like 8.30 or something after Home Improvement, whatever. After Home Improvement, it was a pure mismatch. Did not... They did not go together at all. Wait, I saw that clip of them promote the promo. It was some documentary. It was a clip from documentary. It was called Too Funny to Fail, yeah. Too Funny to Fail. And you made me laugh, sorry, because you were laughing so hard at the clip. I had never seen the promo. It was a promo. It was in the Home Improvement. Like his son has got cancer or something, and he says to his dad, like, you know, he goes like, I don't want to die. And he hugs and goes, you're not going to die. And then he goes, and then the mug root peer, Dana Carvey show. And we were like, of course we were canceled. That's what we were backing into. That was one of the funniest clips, if you haven't seen it, going online. How long did it go? We made... It was a 13 episode commitment, 13 episode buyout. That's why I moved to New York, you know, to security. And then we shot eight of them, and seven of them went to air. And the eighth one was pretty good, I gotta say. Well, how about this? How about a return to doing a sketch work at a minimum? Sure. Are you going to get back to the sketch game? Will you pay me minimum? Right. Well, will you scale? But what about... Because I think that's pretty good for our industry right now. Look at what your office made, Steve Carell. Oh, and I guess the question is... Yeah, I think he's got a flash in the pan at this point. I don't think Carell's going to pan out. There's an actor bug in you, and how about pursuing that? What do you think? Yeah, but those guys... Come on. They have to memorize lines. Yeah. And it has been 21 years that I've been latched to a prompter. So I don't know if I have the old Sarah Bellum left to memorize. It wouldn't take you long. It would not take you long. You guys are all actors, right? Yeah, a little bit. I don't know a lot of your work, but you guys all act? You'll send you stuff. I'll send you clips. Primarily, yeah. Did Michael... God, I just complimented our crew, and then they didn't even send our fucking reels over to this guy. I can air drop you mine. I'll air drop you mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, sure. 100% please send me some scripts, man. Truly, come on. What is it? I'm open to whatever, man. I'll tell you one thing. I have no fucking idea what I'm really going to do until I finish what I'm doing, because I don't know if you've ever hosted a network talk show at 11.30. But you would like to? I'd like to. I have some terrible news. What, you would like to host a late night show? I would. You're way too low energy for it. You wouldn't be able to do it. Do you enjoy riding in a flaming toboggan down a hill? And the whole point is to not hit a tree by 12.30 at night, because that's where it feels like more than anything else. You're blind holding. You've lost three shows. I'm sure. I know I would. I, every time I joke about this. The whole crew would quit. You wouldn't even have to fire them. They just fucking quit. Okay, they quit. You'd be too tired. You'd want to go home. You'd be like, fuck this. I got to go again today. They're like, it's Wednesday. We started Monday. All right, but let's try. Let's audition you. Okay, I'm going to guess. I'm going to guess in a show. You're the host. I've come on, remember. By the way, which is the conceit of what we're doing now anyway, but go ahead. Okay, the show, but no, but this is how it is speaking. So the show, I'm coming on for a show that you haven't seen. Or you have seen and do not like. Correct. Okay. It's late nighter with Jason Rayman. Our first guest today is Stephen Colbert. He's got a brand new show on. Is it a daytime show? Is it a daytime? You just say today. So is this like at noon? I'm in bed. Is this following the view? Okay, go ahead. Hang on. Let me talk to the audience. We're going to go one more time. Sometimes we do this. It's the late nighter with Jason Bayman. But up. Happy lunch, everybody. Today, our guest is Stephen Colbert. He's got a brand new net episode that is good. But if you don't like it, it's on real fast and off real fast. Here he is. Welcome. Please, miss Steve. Come on. Stephen. Thank you. Hey, man. Great to see you. Hey, good to see you. Great to see you. I got you. You're a much taller person. Thank you very much. That's a good standard opener, right? That's why I say to most people, I say that to most people, and they come on. Or have you gained weight? That's another good one. And then how about this for an opener? So what's been going on with you? Oh, you know, I've been working on the project. Did you like it? Oh, my goodness. Did you get a chance to see it? My wife and I sat down to watch it the other day. And my goodness, did we have a good time. I wish you would have been here. Yeah, we do recommend people sit while watching it. Oh, absolutely. Or stand. You could fold laundry while you do it. You could do a number of things and not miss much. Hey, was it fun to make? You gotta wrap it up. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm a bit out of the way. Thanks for joining us today, Steve. Our next guest is... Just two minute segments. Wait, Steven. Oh, I would love to do guests that quick. Wouldn't it be great? Who else could do that for my last show? I should have like 40 guests. Dude, do it right. They only get 30 seconds. Wait, but that's a really good idea. That's a really funny idea. Because I don't know who to have for my last guest. Like, that's a big thing. Like, people go on like, who's your last guest? I'm like, I don't know. Yeah, you can't sit. It's only standing. The only thing I could possibly imagine would be the right last guest, because is the pope? Sure. I've written, I've written, I've asked. I've asked him to come on. Have you really? He's been on my list, too. Did we end up hearing back from the Vatican yet? Is it a hard no yet? I've heard coin, it's coin toss at this point. God, imagine how old that coin is. Imagine how... Oh, on one side, it has the head of Tiberius. Of course. And you go, Render under Caesar, what is Caesar? And Colbert, what is Colbert? I should have put that as my post. I should have said P.S. Oh, you know what? You should have had like a Latin motto. Your show should have had a Latin motto this whole time. Oh, my old show did have a Latin motto, the Colbert rapport. The motto was ese nonc guidesse. No, it was would desse nonc ese, which meant to seem to be rather than be. Wow, I didn't know that. That's fantastic. It was on the thing. I also have a Latin motto on my, on my, on our fireplace at home. And it says burn unto thee. Yeah, what is it? Hey, was that a band and all hope? No, it says, hike domus quam, yokei, edifacau runt est, which means this is the house the jokes built. Oh, that's great. That is cool. That's great. Do either one of you two know that? Quite hodie, some turis sumis, benedictat deus, priesum, christium, domino, nostrum. There's my answer. Hey. O filim, me boni, belidomenus, faviscum, beliomenus. Mensana e incorporesano. Listen, guys, who cares? I went to school on a bus. Or you did that movie with a Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic, where he races as kids, and he skates them at home. JB, have you seen that? I have not. You'd like his full frontal, full frontal Viggo too. Can I get into Viggo for a second here? Do you see my background at all? Do you see all my Lord of the Rings stuff here? Yes, I love that, Steven. I think this is the map of Middle Earth right there. Sean, stand up real quick. Let's see if he's got a better picture. Sean, stand up. OK. OK. There's other things. This right here, this is in the Lord of the Rings, in the final battle at the Black Gate. I just rewatched them just like I did last week. He's wearing chain mail under his plate. Yes. Is the chain mail Viggo is? This is some of the chain mail from Viggo's armor in that final scene. Wait, how did you get that? How did I get that? Steven, how old were you when you lost to Virginia? They don't just give these shows away, Sean. You got to be... Move her. I can't. But wait, that's not even what I wanted to show you, fuckers. Listen to this. Look at that. I'll tell you how he got it. He asked offhand to an assistant. Wait, let me see that. Oh, yeah. That is an image of Aragorn made out of chocolate. Oh, my God. Oh, who did it? Given to me by Viggo Mortensen. Wow, that's really cool. He gave this to me 25 years ago when he was promoting the Lord of the Rings. You obviously know the story where he, in anger, kicked one of the dead orcs and ripped his toe off. He kicked a helmet. He kicked a helmet. Yeah, one of the dead orcs on the helmet. And then he kept going and to scream is him screaming in pain. Yeah, I think that's the work. And Peter Jackson went, oh, that was good. Let's keep that take. And then he found out later. We'll be right back with Dork Chat after this first... Hey, hey. Hey, guys, now that we've cleared the ladies out of the room, let's get down to it. All right, they're all gone. All right. Whose shirts? Whose skins? We'll be right back. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck, anxious, or unsure, that is okay. Those feelings are more common than we think. Whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. Having someone with you to listen and understand can make all the difference. Whatever is keeping you up at night, therapy with BetterHelp can provide you with tools to help you check in with yourself and gain support from experienced professionals. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences, and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. You can also feel confident knowing BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully qualified. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash smartlist. That's BetterHELP.com slash smartlist. All right. Back to the show. Wait a minute, Steven. I want to go back to the talk show for a minute. Because you were kind of looting this with Jason. Me too, but they won't let me. I'm gonna go back to the show tonight. Hello. But obviously I don't want to know names. Please don't say names. But what are the types of guests that are the greatest and the types that are the worst? And also mouth the worst. The worst? Oh boy. The best guest is just anybody who wants to talk and have a conversation. Like that the card is immaterial. We don't want to stick to the card. I mean, don't get me wrong. Nathan Lane comes on and what I love about him is that he's old-timey. It has nothing to do with his age. It means he comes on and I know to ask him a question and he's got 90 seconds on that subject at the end of which there's a word he says and he's done with that story. And then move on to the next thing, which is very old school, very Carson. Prepare. And I love it. It's the old days. But I really like is just somebody who's just come to come on and talk. And also somebody who's really, that's why I like Neil Tyson. Because Neil Tyson, A, I'm interested in the subject, Neil Drogas Tyson. And then he burns so passionately, he wants to explain things. It's like this lump of glowing conversational uranium. And I feel like singed on one side of my body after he leaves. We loved him too. He's so good. He's a joy. I stumped him. He couldn't answer my question. Yes. What was that? That's not true. That's true. He doesn't get it. Name all the children on the Partridge family. And what their astrological signs were. Yeah, he couldn't get it. Couldn't get it. No. He got stumped on Danny. He had everybody but Danny. What do you think he'd know? Right. Because Danny's on a cusp. He's a cancer leo cusp. Wait, Steven, tell me about, and I know I'm sorry if you've answered this question a billion times, what are you feeling about the end of your show? And like all of that and... I actually have not answered it a million times. I've answered it once to Seth Meyers. And he answered that. He asked that question way better. Let's see how Jason would do. Well, I mean it's such a... Jason, do it on your show. How would you ask Steven on your show? Yes. Steven, end of your show, thoughts? 250 people losing their jobs. Any feelings? You've only got 30 seconds, remember? People gotta get back after lunch. Lunch breaks these days are short. Yeah, 30 seconds. Well, so... Hey, listen, on one level I have no time to feel anything about it because, as I said, I was just saying, it really is like a flaming toboggan ride every day. I got a show, I don't have time for this bullshit. We... I've gotta go do a show today. And it takes everything I got. I don't know what I'm gonna do after this because I don't have time to really... I mean, I've got stuff... I'm committed to doing things after this that I committed to before we were canceled, that I've gotta deliver on, but what I'm gonna really do, I don't know, because this takes almost all of my brain to do this. And I love... In this group of people that I work with, I have cobbled together over the last 21 years, some over like 30 years of working in TV. Yeah, it shows. The show is so goddamn good. Thanks. Yeah, it's so... And we have a really good time to each other. We have real affection for each other. We have great time together. We call it the joy machine because it's a machine all the time. And you can either do it with joy or not do it with joy because... I love that. If you don't do it with joy, your finger's gonna get caught in the gears and you're just gonna be fucking mad and sad all the time. Absolutely. Absolutely. And so, you know, we just try to have a good time and we want our guests to have a really good time. We... Like, the whole thing is I really feel like I'm a host. I'm like... It's like I'm hosting a party. But you know, people get nervous though. I remember JB is... Sometimes people are in their dressing room and they're shitting their pants. No, it's not. Wait a minute, Steven. Steven, I love it. Wait, wait, wait. You have not been back. He's been sitting on that. You have not been back since that story has been told and I've been waiting to give you a pair of underwear. No, we got our underwear. By the way, you sent us underwear. I still wear it. I still wear it. I still wear it. Yes. I still wear my too. I still wear it. I have it on right now. That's so crazy. Wait, wait. I don't have underwear. Yeah, you do. We sent you all underwear. We sent you really nice Calvin underwear or something like that. No, where are they? Where are they, Sean? No, they're called. What's the brand? Colo. Colo, Sean. Are they Tommy? Like Tommy... Tommy Bahama. They're on the back. They're on the back. Tommy Bahama. I don't know what you... Scottie, come check my underwear. I can't read up side down. I can't. This is the fourth time. This is not for that. Not for that. What brand is Wednesday? Wait, Steven, I haven't been back since then. You haven't been back since you shit your pants on my show. Oh, David Cross can confirm. Oh, more daily wear. Four daily wear. That's... Oh, fuck. I have a Mark... Mark... Mark... Mac. Andresan. Mark... Yeah. Andresan. That's how we made the billions. Mac... Macwellan. Okay. Macwellan. Mark Wayne... Mark Wayne Mellon. Mark Wayne Mellon. Fuckin... You know, it's unreal. These tech guys, they're moving to underwear. It's been unprecedented. Oh, my underwear's in the cloud. They went from AI to underwear. My underwear's in the cloud now. I shit my pants in the cloud. The cloud. My underwear's in your trash can. I shit my pants in the cloud. We should explain to the listener that I had a relax... No, I don't think we should. No, I don't think we should explain. I'm sorry. You come and shit your pants on my show. You don't get to explain anything until you come on my show. To explain. You don't get to burn this story on somebody else's show, even if it's yours. I think Jason should be your last guest now, obviously. He only comes up for 30 seconds. I'm sorry, that's all we have time for. I gotta go clean myself. Goodbye. All of our guests, in our gift bag, we do have dude wipes. Now we do, dude. Yeah, they're denim. They're denim dude wipes. Wait, so Steven... 35 minutes in, we haven't had a question yet. I love it. This is called a good guest. No. He asked how I was feeling. Sean asked how I was feeling. Yeah, do you remember that? Then you asked him thoughts. Let me finish asking that question, just saying, what do I feel? Still very happy and grateful to have done the show for 11 years and premissing everyone. How about that? And when is the last show? When is the date? They haven't told me yet. Evidently, just there's someone's just gonna come up and shoot me in the back of the head. Exicanced style. And they want me to wear a chin strap beard and a stove pipe hat, and I don't understand why. But everything's pretty... A bunch of plastic on the desk. Just come in, I go, huh? What's that plastic doing on the floor? It's May 21st. It's May 21st. May 21st. May 21st. It's so close. Sweeps, so they're gonna get some Sweeps ratings out of it. Yeah. Do you know there are no Sweeps anymore? Really? Yeah. Sweeps don't exist. They haven't been around for like eight years. There have been no Sweeps. Get back in the game, baby. God damn it. I know that, I know this podcast thing is working out for you guys, but you know, you've lost a step. Old TV. Nice. Old TV. There's no, there's no more... There's no pilot season. No. There isn't? No. Not really, no. Although I just read that they're gonna try to do that again. That they're gonna do pilots again. Well, what's off? Yeah, anywhere you can. Oh, pilot season. Maybe I'll fly out and do pilot season again. That was always fun. I was glad to do that. Stay at the awkward sunrise line. Stay at the farmer's daughter or whatever the thing that... I used to say the awkward. Yeah, stay at the farmer's daughter or... I had a brother lived up in Lackanyatta. Sometimes I would stay with him. Oh my God, he had great cars. He would lend me his Porsche. I would go to these... I didn't have... I didn't like... I didn't have... Back then it was like pre-sale phones. I wouldn't... I didn't have... I couldn't make a phone call. I had no cash, but I would pull up to the audition in a white Carrera. Wow. What's brother do? A was lawyer. He's 19 years senior than me and I'm one of 11. He's the eldest on the baby. And a big, big California land use lawyer and many other things too. Wow. So you had nothing but poor yet a Thomas guide. Oh, sure you did. Oh, I did. Page 33 and 34. The Thomas guide flipped over. Okay, age like that. I remember I had a Thomas guide. I just kept in my bag all the time because I don't know. I never knew when I'd have to go to LA. And when OJ was on the chase, I was driving from New York down to... What happened? Yeah, this guy got railroaded. I'm telling you. I have terrible news. Sean, you're going to be so... He's a fucking crazy OJ fan. What? Oh. You're going to be so... All the way back to the... We've kept him insulated because he's such a fan. I was driving from New York down to Maryland for a wedding and he's in the chase and I just... I'm in the backseat of the drive now with these people to a wedding and I get in the backseat. I've got the Thomas guide following where he is based on what they're saying on the radio going... On the Thomas guide. And we go, oh, he's getting off. He's going to get off the highway. Here's his exit. And I was like... No way. Trying to stay one. I was one step ahead of OJ the whole time, baby. You were like, what's he doing? He's taking Montana? That's crazy. And this time of day? He'll never make it back. I was in... I remember I was in... I was out here. I was in California briefly. When that happened, I was staying at a friend's house up in the hills and I could see... You could see where he was going by. All the helicopters going along the freeway. Just the pack of helicopters falling and then culminating in his house. It was so scary. I still feel like that was like three years ago. I know. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Yeah. I know. I remember they interrupted, I think, the NBA playoffs or something. Yes. Right? Yes. The Knicks were in that... Were in the finals. The Lakers. Yeah. When I arrived at this wedding, my wife had gone on ahead of me. It was all her friend. It was for her friend getting married. And I pull up to this and they haven't... He's not out of the car yet. It's still the overhead chase. And I come up and my wife is at the door of the bar where everyone's meeting the night before the wedding. And I get out of the car. I walk past her. I went, hi. And I walk into the bar. She has not seen me because I'm living in New York working and she's in Chicago. She hasn't seen me like in two weeks. I went, hi. I walked by here and I went up to the bar. I said, can you please change that game to any new station right now? And the guy went, no. And I said, I promise you people will be interested in this. Yeah. Because remember, everybody was really concerned that he was just wanting to get into his driveway so that he could commit suicide in the back of that. Remember, they said that there's a gun back there. Just wanted to get to his house and get it done. And a wig or something. Yeah. And there was a whole... And a wig. A wig was there? It was a wig. Oh, a wig. Not Chris, I'm sorry. No. It was a wig. The wig was in the back seat. He was actually, it was the same day he was auditioning for a lacquage. No way. They were panicked. He would have been fantastic. In all fairness, you're right. That's all I'm meant. Yes, murder, yes. But fantastic. In fairness, you're right. You think Nathan Lane hasn't killed somebody? There's our clip. I am what I am. Who knew our 300th would be our last? You know. Right. This is, this is pretty... Oh, happy 300. This is 300. Thank you. Now, yeah, I think you were... This is 300. You were early, you were early, early days. One of our first ones, yeah. First 10? Yeah, I didn't even know who you guys were. They're like, do you want to do this thing? And I'm like... Oh, you still don't. Chris was right. Yeah. You're googling us as you speak. Wait, back to the farmer's daughter. I hooked up with someone at the farmer's daughter. Huh? Oh, go ahead. Well, thank you, thank God. Wait a second. Wait a second. You circled back. Wait a second. Was he pale and Irish from South Carolina? Was he very lonely? Did he keep on calling? Did he call you heavy? Stephen, does that line up Stephen with what you called your blackout days? Is that... Yeah. I think we matched Legos. Wait, Sean, keep going. Uh-huh. No, that's it. It was, I was so young. End of story? So then, so you'd go audition in the morning. You'd audition like a couple of places in the morning. Right. And then you'd go to the, what's it called, the farmer's market. That's right. And like you'd get a... But the old one, with the... Both, yeah. In the big parking lot, whatever. Before the grove was built. Yeah, before the grove. Yeah, and then you'd get like a fruit plate and you and all the people you knew from Chicago, which was my situation, you'd sit around and you'd put your beaker in the middle of the table. And everybody put your beaker in front of you and you'd be eating like some lovely melon or whatever like that and then, and somebody would start buzzing. That's right. Call back. And then you'd be like, well, well, that's the life I could have had. What was that great breakfast place that was there? Denny's? At the farmer's market? Yeah. Oh, it's called Dupars. Dupars. No, no, it wasn't Dupars. It was like a counter. You could go with not Dupars. It was like a, it was part of the farmer's market though. There were a lot of tasteful treats in there. Well, Steven, do you remember, do you remember going in and reading for a pilot and signing your, your five year deal and seeing, and seeing what you could be making if you do make, make it past this final round? Yeah. I want you to know I did not go to network that many times. I turned out had to write for myself because I, I was ostensibly an actor, but I was really a, I turned out I was probably a writer who needed to write for himself because I didn't, there's not a lot of tape on me from the early days. I went to network, they were going to do an Adams family. I remember that. Oh, wow. They were going to do like a reboot of the Adams family. I did, I, I, that was called back in for Gomez. I remember that. That was kind of fun. Do you remember who got it? Do you remember who, who's in that pilot? Nope. Oh, do you, oh, here's a good one. I was supposed to be the sidekick. Did I tell you this already? No. Did I tell you this last time? I was offered the sidekick for the magic hour. What's the magic hour? I was, magic Johnson's talk show. No way. No way. Oh, wow. Yeah. I was offered the sidekick on the magic hour. Did that ever go? I don't remember that show. It did. It went for like eight weeks or something like that, like whatever, 32 shows or something like that. And I got called in, really lovely fella named Jim Sharp, who used to, he was head of development for a comedy central. And I knew him through that. And he goes, would you come in and just meet with these people? And I said, sure. I mean, I had a wife and a child and none of us had any jobs. And I was like, whatever, I will dance on the head of a pen. Right. Well, you know, shirtless. And I went in and I met with them and first I went to the gym and then Magic's team came in. And Magic's team all looked like. The Lakers? The entire basketball team. Just the Laker girls. Just the Laker girls. Okay, sorry. They all came in. They're all very attractive, very athletic looking and all, I think, lawyers. And they came in and they explained to me what the show was going to be. And they said, you're going to be the announcer and the sidekick. And you'll be like, you're like, Magic's crazy uncle. Like, he'll do a monologue, but you're like the crazy guy and you'll pepper him with like, you'll yell things at him. And you'll say stuff and he'll like, he doesn't know what you're talking about. You're like the crazy uncle. He doesn't understand what you're saying or anything like that. And evidently, I really wowed them in when I said, I understand what you mean. Like, I don't remember saying anything other than the words you're saying are registering with my Tim Panham. And then I got called and they said, they want you, man. They want you. And I had to sit my pregnant wife down because I flew back to New York. I had to sit my pregnant wife down and we're unemployed. She's pregnant. And I had to say to her, I've been offered this job on the Magic Hour. And I have to not take it. And she goes, what? And it paid well. I'm gonna say it paid well. And we didn't have, we were living with her parents back in South Carolina. It was a bad situation. And we're in the breakfast nook of her parents' house. And I said, I can't. I just think this would not be good for me. Like, I would never be able to wash off this tape. I just don't think this is going to be good. And then she stood up. God bless this woman. She stood up. She looked at me and she said, okay. She said, I trust you. And then she walked out of the room and it was a bad moment. And then like six weeks later, it went on the air and she turned to me. She says, good call. Because magic comes out and turns to this guy. I forgot who it is. Perfectly lovely comedian who got the gig. I used to know his name. I can't remember. You'd know him if you saw him. He's a funny guy. And the first thing the guy says to magic, magic goes, man, he's like my crazy uncle. He says things and I don't know what he's talking about. He like just named exactly what they had said to me in the meeting. And then it kind of went downhill from there. And so that was. You think you would have ended up owning a piece of the Dodgers had you stayed? No, but a lot of movie theaters. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's not a great business nowadays, right? Owning those theaters. There's those. You can just go in and buy popcorn, you know. You don't have to actually go see a movie. No kidding. You can just go in and buy popcorn and work the Coca-Cola machine. Like that. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's how they're surviving. I live so close to Century City, I could just. See, it's convenient. You don't even think about it. God. So wait, so that's like 94, 95 type thing like in there. That's three or post. Yeah, that's 90. That's 97. That's 97. That's 97. It's post my first gig. So it's right before Strangers with Candy. Yeah. It's after Carvey even. It's after Carvey. I've done X-57, then I've done Carvey, and then Strangers with Candy. I actually, while I was out there for that pilot season, Paul Dinello and I with Amy Sideris wrote the pilot over the phone. We wrote the pilot for Strangers. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. So great. Now, I know you kind of already answered this, but what after you're done with the show, I don't know, everybody's going to keep asking you over and over, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? I feel like a college senior. I feel like I'm just about to graduate. Because they want you. Because they want more of you. We didn't get a vote in all this. Everyone was watching your show because they want you. They love you. They don't want it to be over. So what are you going to do for us? Yeah. So what's the dream? I guess I'll just join you guys. You guys. That'd be great. There we go. We've got our second clip. Fourth. You need fourth? Finally. We're ready. Even split, right? Even equity. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah, yeah. I can get up higher. Or I'll dilute one of you. I'll dilute one of you. We'll draw straws. We'll draw straws to see who gets to live. Sounds fair. OK, sure. Yeah. We'll be right back. And now, back to the show. But what is the, I know, sorry. We can move on from this if you want. But what is the dream? Like, what is there anything that you've always wanted to do? Here's the thing. There's a lot of things that I enjoy doing. I kind of live in the dream. You know, this was never my dream. I never had any intention to do this gig. It was, no, I never had any intention to, this was a happy accident that I got this gig. Like, I quit the old show before this show came to me. And I hadn't told anybody I'd quit. I was like, OK, this is the end. That was the end of that show. And then before I could tell anybody, they offered me this. And I came over here. But the idea was just, I was just going to go back, be an actor again. I was going to go just do that, live that life. So then maybe we can look forward to that, what Jason was saying. Maybe you're going to be there. Yeah, I'm about to go, I'm about to enter into showbiz. I've kind of not been in showbiz for 21 years, because this is artificial. Like, to be able to come in every day to know where your clothes are and who you're working with and what time it starts and what time it ends. And especially as the host, because you kind of even, you even get to make the yearly schedule. You just have to hit a number. But you get to make the dates. But after 21 years of that, now I'm like, wait, so if I'm lucky, I have to go to Prague for three weeks? Yeah, I'm excited. You know what I mean? Yeah. Prague's a lovely place. But I've really enjoyed, I mean, I got to raise my kids under those conditions where I know where I was. Yeah, right. It's so lucky. And there's lots of young people who, this was their first job, and they've been with me for 20 years. And they're not young anymore. Yeah, that's amazing. Amazing, amazing. And I'm trying to prep them for what it was like before I had this gig, which is real show business, which is like, high digital D.D. and Actors Life for me. You know, it's very much of a caravan. But then just to build on that then, I mean, the bar is very high for that, which you are comfortable doing. Like you don't want to be. Or very low, or very low. Like I really, honest to God, I tell you, knew the person who did the thing that I most admire, I mean, not most admire, but the thing that really struck me is like, you know what Hader did when he left SNL? He went and wrote for South Park for a season. And I remember I saw him, I was still doing the first show and when he did that, and I was sitting behind him at the Emmys, and I said, man, that's the perfect thing to do. Just go serve something that you love already. Like see, can I be of service to people who I really, whose work I really admire? And I thought that's a great thing to do. Don't even worry about like your status of your previous gig, or just go do something you love. That's what I'm just, I just don't have the time to, I mean, I got some things I do want to do, but I would never tell you what they are. Sure, no, no. Because then you would go do them. Right, right. You know, this is a cutthroat. I know what it's like. But just to hint. I know what Hollywood is like. Just a hint though, just a little hint. Just a hint? Is it streaming? Is it linear? It's just us here. It's pay per view. Pay per view. That's still a thing. Yeah, yeah. It's mostly, it's a form of- UFC. It's a form of- MMA, technically. Oh, okay. So smart. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love it if you, would you fight Jake Paul? What happened? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Could that be your next move? Who wouldn't watch that? Come on. I wouldn't watch that. God, I would love that so much. Sprinting around the ring. If you announced, if you challenged him to a fight when you rap. I remember on the old show, I challenged, you Brock Lesnar is? Yes. Sure, yeah. On the old show, I challenged Brock Lesnar to a fight. And I called him a pussy and everything like that. And that was, it occurred to me that it was over multiple shows. And I don't know why I did it. I don't know what had happened that I got mad at Brock Lesnar and character. And at a certain point I went, I should stop saying this. Did he ever come on the show? My head would just shear off cleanly, like a graham cracker if he punched me once. God, remember him? Jesus, the sun's dead. He's still alive. He's not dead, is he? No, I know. Don't even joke about Brock Lesnar dying. No, no, no, no. I mean, when he was fighting, remember him. Like, he's a monster. Like, remember Mike Tyson was just like, just, just so violent in the ring. Did you ever, have you seen that, like the Jake Paul, Mike Tyson fight? Did you, have you seen the footage where Mike pulls a punch because if he had followed through, he would have killed Jake Paul? You see like that calculation of like, I promised him I wouldn't do this. And then he puts his fist down because Jake's open completely. His head is just, his head just says enter here sign right, right on his chin. And Tyson sees the opportunity and you see him not take the opportunity. Yeah. I remember seeing that video going around and everybody saying this is definitely what the deal was. Yeah. I mean, did you, like I, I say, I grew up, I'm old enough. I'm much older than two of you. And, and I, when I was a kid, I was, we was, Ali was on TV. He's no paper, like you would go watch Ali on TV and, and Foreman and, and smoke and Joe Fraser. And it was a big part of my childhood was watching professional boxing. I never understood it. I don't know where the goal is to hit someone so hard that they lose consciousness. Yes. That's the goal to hit them as hard as you possibly can, just shy of killing them. That's right. That's where sweet sign, that's the sweet science right there. Sean, you don't get it. Well, I, what's the draw? People before, right? And by the way, if you do kill them, you're good. Like you don't get prosecuted. If they do, if, oh really, if they die, you can get prosecuted. Boxers can get prosecuted. Yeah. Oh really? Yeah. But isn't that the goal to kill? No, the goal is to not kill them. Almost kill them. But almost kill them. Yeah. How about bowl fighting? How do you feel about bowl fighting? Oh, sure. I'll watch it for a few seconds. Yeah. I'll eat them, but I won't stab them. How dare you? I'll eat them. How dare you? I'll watch them. I'll put a bolt stunner in their head and bleed them out. Grind them up, but I wouldn't want anyone in tight pants to taunt it to death. Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you drag us out to deep water. How dare you? Wait, it's called heritage. It's called heritage, my friend. And a heritage. I am listening to you. What's the, yeah, that's exactly right. Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, beautiful. It's an art. If you could bring, you could eat it. I went to the bowl fight. We went to the Plaza del Toro in Madrid when I was a kid with my mom. And my mom, my mom, I remember the whole time she was like, I know I shouldn't love it. I know I shouldn't love it. But, and the bowl, it was a bad fight. One of the fights was bad. The mad door was bad. And my mother stood up as the bowl was being dragged off and yelled, Viva del Toro. And I'm like, you're from Larchmont. What is happening to you? She was a Hemingway fan. That was the problem or the opportunity. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Papa was what we called him. Yeah, the sun also rises. Are they still doing bowl fighting? They are in Spain. They still are. I think pretty much every, there's this Provençal bowl fighting, which is like on the, on the Southern France near the Spanish border. They don't hurt the bull. They taunt the bull and they run away from it. And they basically do dives to get out of its way. And between its horns, there are strings tied and there are little ribbons and things. And if you get close enough to pull the ribbon off and not get hit by the bull, like that's the, that's the, that's the primo to primo. The French, they just surrender to the bull immediately. They just have to deal with it. Some of them, they tell the bull where the Jews are. Wait, what do you get if you pull, if you pull a ribbon off the, off the bull? Honor. What do you get? Honor. Honor. And is there a receipt for that? Yes, there is. There is, there is, there actually is. I have, I'll show you, I'll send you out as a website. I keep, I follow the season. There's a season and then it's their teams. You really, oh, so you're into it. You're into that. Would you ever, would you ever run with the bulls? Yes, I would. Oh yeah. You would. Yeah, my son did that. It's a very good, it's a very manly look to wear the white outfit. With, it's the feast of sense of fashion or something. I forgot what it's called. Isn't there, there's a tomato fight associated with the weekend, isn't there? That's a different, that's a different thing. That's a totally different town. That's true. That's a totally different town. That's a different town. No, but they do. I was sent a package. Okay, no, it's just, you can constantly listen. There's a town in Spain where they have tomato spice. The way that you mix up your European festivals is so fucking gross, dude. And then they throw oranges at one of them too. It's orange tosses. It's orange tosses. During October fest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you drink beers. That's, then you go up to Germany and you have beers. It's the same weekend. How much time do you spend with Cideris these days? Do you see what I want? Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. God, she's a treasurer, isn't she? She is lovely. She is, yeah, she's just marvelous. That Instagram of hers, I don't know how she gets those photos. Very powerful. I know. Very powerful. Her birthday is coming up soon. Well, what's amazing is that how big she is on Instagram, she didn't get a cell phone until about 2018, I don't think. 2018, right? I mean, you know that too. She never had a cell phone. She had to call her at home and leave her a message. Oh, by the way, a friend of mine just, do you know, these are like new things. There's now landlands are coming back. And you can, and there's six numbers. There's like 630, 886 or whatever. It's a seven number. No, but yes, correct. And it's tied to the internet in your house, but it's a landline and it can only go to a certain person. Like, right? One person. Like a hotline. Only that person can pick up the phone? Yeah. Like, is there a thumb print identifier? I don't know. It's like a hotline. Like the old school hotline. Almost like a hotline, yeah. And they're getting really popular really fast. Do a little bit more research on that and come back and use it if you want. I was gonna say, that story did not pan out. A lot of excitement. A lot of excitement in the beginning of that. If we had jumped on, maybe we could have gotten that boat up on its skag. We could have made the wave with you, but we just washed you. But there's nothing else to the story other than landlines are coming back. You know what, you should do that. Maybe, Steven, what about a landline where you have like a hotline and you answer, people call it and you're just stand by the phone and you answer questions. They pay you, right? Couple bucks and then you pick up the phone and you give them like 30 seconds. I have a wealth of knowledge. Ask me anything. Ask me anything. Right now, let's try it out. Ask me anything. And let's see if I know anything about the subject. In what country and on what weekend do they do the tomato fight? That is actually, it's not in Spanish and Italy. It's in the Fishev San Cristobal. It's on the 8th of August. Do you see this coming? Is that true? Is that true? No, it's total bullshit. But that's... That's fine. But that's what you're going to get on his hotline. And I think the name, that'll be my podcast and it'll be called a dangerous thing because a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And I just, I answer all of your questions as with absolute confidence. Yeah, you have very little knowledge. And then we're not, I have broad but very shallow, like you cannot get your ankles wet in my level of knowledge in most things other than the Lord of the Rings. It's called Good Smelling Bullshit with Steven Colbert. That's right. Then you don't know what it's like to be married to me. Are you super into the, because you're into the Lord of the Rings and stuff. Obviously. I like that. I imagine through, initially through the books, are you a big Star Wars guy? Do you have a huge Star Wars in that whole world? I do enjoy the Star Wars universe. I was lucky enough when I was 13 years old, Star Wars came out in 77. And because WTMA, the local radio station, with the host, Booby Nash and 12, 12, 15 year AM dial, they gave away tickets. You had to be like the fifth caller and you got four tickets to see this movie. And nobody knew what it was. It was called Star Wars. And I won or my friend Keith Sargey, and it was me and Keith Sargey and Haskell Feudenberg and Haskell's mom, because we couldn't drive. We went to go see it. We had no idea what it was. And it was three weeks before it was released nationally. And so we went to Northwood's Mall or something. And we had these early taste makers. We had to stop by the radio station to pick up the tickets. And there were big blue tickets that had like the Death Star on it and an X-Wing. We didn't know what any of this was. Right, right. She saved that. And we wanted to keep the tickets because it would be cool to say, no, you got to give us the tickets. But they handed us back a big button with the Starfield on it that said, may the force be with you. We had no idea what that meant. But we put our pins on and we sat down, absolutely sat, no idea what we're about to experience. And then it was like a long time ago on the galaxy far, far away. And we're like, what is that? And then Ben and then and Star Wars comes up. And we were, it grabbed us by the scrotum. Like it just dragged. And it was 13 and there wasn't much to grab at that point. And dragged us into the story. And the next day, like the next Monday, we all went to school and there was no explaining to anyone how everything was different now. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then three weeks later, everybody was excited. And we were like, but we knew before you did. Did you keep any of that stuff? Do you still have any of that? I still have the button, yeah. The button is on YouTube. You still do, of course. Wow. The button is in my work room on the pegboard still. That's amazing. Don't Seanle hire somebody to come in. You should have said that. I have to hear it. You had Sean a peg boy. Stephen, I'll clean your office for you tonight if you want. Wait, Stephen, go back to the Lord of the Rings just for two seconds. We gotta let you go. I know you gotta let you go. No problems here, baby. What do you want to know? I know, but how often do you watch the movies? Oh, I mean, I love the movies. I've seen them many times. Again, I saw them, I wrangled in any way I could to get tickets and whatever little Hollywood connections I had, but when those things came out, to get in before anybody could see them. Like I saw the director's gale preview screening across town here. And I've seen them many times, but I love Peter Jackson and Philippa and Philippa Boyns and Fran Walsh. Jason, you ever seen it? Which? Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. I don't think I've seen any of the Lord of the Rings. No way. You're not shitting me, right? You've not seen it. I bet I probably saw the first one, but I haven't. Let's do it at your house, David. The Return of the King. I was just gonna ask, what is the return of the king between the Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Star Trek? What is considered the best? Well, they're all so different. Yeah. The best what? Get to the noun. The best film. I mean, I'm Paris Strikes Back, I guess always. You mean in like a science fiction or fantasy genre? Yeah, just like quality of film and effects. Lord of the Rings, that trilogy is generally considered among the cognizanty in this world to be the only perfect trilogy. Yeah. It's perfectly executed. And how old are they? They're pretty old. This year is the 25th anniversary. I had Elijah Wood on last night, the 25th anniversary of the first film of the fellowship. Oh, right. I just read about that, and he was embarrassed to say that he's yet to finish the books. He has not read the books yet. He started the books. Yeah, that'd be my story. I remember I saw those at the Burlington Mall, Burlington, Massachusetts. That's a great story. You walked right by it. That's a really... Wait, no, I want to hear more about this story. Tell me about the Burlington Mall. Hang on, I'm just reading an email. But I'd say what I do do, and I realize I just said is that I read the books constantly. Like, I love the movies. I admire so much what they did with it, but I'm a book guy. Like, I... Yeah. I'm... Other than those, what kind of books are you into? What do you like to read? When I was younger, I was a huge Salinger fan. I mean, when I was... I've read... I used to read a book a day when I was younger, when I had the time. And it was all science fiction and fantasy. And then a lot of philosophy, a lot of religious texts, stuff like that. Comparative religion texts. Some Joseph Campbell. A lot of poetry. I love Galway Kinnell. Boy, I'm bummed that I asked that question. And the next thing is... Is this a series? And Mary Oliver. Mary Oliver. You ever read any Mary Oliver? No, I'm much more sort of... In fiction, I'm really into noir and stuff like that. And I was going to say, Len Dayton died yesterday. The great Len Dayton who wrote... I don't know if you guys are into any of that stuff. No? Okay. No. Uh... Whoa, that was a big shout out. Stephen Colbert. Let me just look at my notes here really quickly. Any questions for Stephen? Not a question. Is there a second question? No, there's not really a second question. Stephen, for 300 guys... Yeah, I... This is such a special thing... It's already over. That you are, baby. That's an hour. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. It's just fun to play. We just want to play with you more. I'll have more time in June. Yeah, we're going to clever see for you. Please invite me back every... Whoa, it's been five years since I was on? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, almost six years. Wow. Because you were on early. It's been almost six years. So please, let's see in six years. This has been so fun. But truly, Stephen, for such a special thing for our 300th episode, it's really, really cool. Oh, I didn't know this was 300th. What an honor to be at such a milestone. Who did you have for 200? Who did you have for 200? Do you remember? The Pope. He answered us. No, the Pope. Francis? Pretty good play. That was an incoming from him. I don't remember. We knew, but it is true. It was a big deal. We wanted to have you and we went out of our way to make sure that you were our 300th guest and you're just a delight in everything you do. As you know, I'm a fan. You're not only a great guy. I'm such a fan of what you do. I've always kind of looked up to you. You're so funny and great and gracious and cool. Thanks, you guys. Well, this was the reason why I came on is that you hadn't been on very long, but every one of these I heard, I thought that sounds like enormous fun to go on. I underplayed how fun it is to talk to you guys. I admire what you guys have built. You finally found what you should be doing. Yeah. And I'm happy for you. Just hold on to it tight. Hold on to it tight. Don't take it for granted. We're gripping so tight. We are gripping so tight. You're white not on it. Thanks, you guys. Thank you, man. Have a great rest of your day. Thank you, pal. Bye, buddy. But I tell you, the talk show hosts, they never fail. Always the best guests. God, he is funny. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. I know. He is fucking funny, man. And it went by in three seconds. I know. I know. I could talk to him about Lord of the Rings for nine hours. I know you do, angel. I know. Oh, God. It would be amazing. Hey, will you come over and show me one of those? Yes, please. I would love to do that. If I'm going to like see a Lord of the Rings film, a Harry Potter film, a Star Trek film, or a Star Wars film, like which would be like the greatest synonym? I don't know if Star Trek, I don't think is in the same. You know, I'll do respect. Scott is a huge Star Trek fan, but I'm not. So like which is like the best film, right? I get there all great movies, but like, is there like a real cinematic, like, Harry Potter's got some incredible production design. Of course. Of course. But I think that what you're looking for would be Lord of the Rings. Those movies are cinematically incredible. Beautiful. It's like they're like, you know, what's that big movie that Spielberg was inspired by? That super famous old, old, old movie that was sweeping. Lawrence of Arabia? Yeah, Lawrence of Arabia. It's kind of like that. It's like scope and Q. Gotcha. What's it? It's really incredible. I've heard that Sony's got an incredible 70 millimeter print of Lawrence of Arabia. Oh, really? Yeah. And that we should bother them and go and ask Tom Rothman if we can go watch it. I've never seen it. It's supposed to be amazing. Yeah, I've never seen it. It's supposed to be incredible. Let's go. I know. And he's going to be. Let's go today. Guys, how insane that we've done 300 episodes. A lot of people say it feels like we've done 600. But to have Stephen on really just so special. And I want to say I love doing this with you guys so much. This is such a joy. Back at you, buddy. It's never a dull moment. Always so fun. It's never hard. We're so lucky. And I'm just going to say that I'm going to piggyback on that and just say I love you guys. I'm so lucky. We're like family and brothers. And I just, I love you. Love you right back. I love both of you guys so much. So, so much. You're really important to me. Thank you for the gift of your friendship and this partnership truly. Likewise. Likewise. Well, with that, I think I've overspoken. I will say this. I will say this. Oh, here it comes. We've found, we've made a great connection in this life. He's feeling comfortable about this one. And you know, you've been out there. Connections like these. Are really, really, really hard to come. Bye. Bye. 300. Smart. Less. Smart. Less. Smart. Less. SmartLess is 100% organic and artisanly handcrafted by Bennett Barber. Michael Grant Terry and Rob Armjurf. SmartLess.