telling myself what i need to hear

Hey, you know, I'll be honest with you all. I'm struggling a little bit right now. If you were to open the door of my brain and walk inside, you would see disarray, not chaos, but disarray. It's messy in there. It's not a pleasant place. Is it a horrible place? No, no, it's not a horrible place. But it's slightly off-kilter. It's a little bit uncomfortable. I'm struggling a little bit. This happens. This is normal. You know, it's inevitable. Every time you get through a rough patch, it's just a matter of time before the next one begins. And that's not necessarily a bad thing because challenging times encourage growth and self-reflection and many good things. And so I'm not particularly upset that my brain isn't disarray because I know that I'm supposed to be feeling this way for some reason. I know there's a reason for it. And also I'm just grateful that there isn't like one big thing bothering me. And instead it's like 15 more minor things that are just swirling around in my head like a tornado in a way that makes them hard to address. But none of them are really that bad. And that's a good thing. Like that's a great thing. I'm grateful for that. I'd so much rather it'd be this than one really big hard thing. You know what I mean? It's like, this isn't that bad. But my brain isn't disarray. And I have a lot of uncomfortable, confusing feelings and thoughts swirling around. And it's been very hard for me to get them under control because there's so many different little things bothering me all at once. To the point where it's like, I don't even know how to sort out what's what. I don't even know how to address what's what. It's such a mess in my brain that even though all these things individually aren't that bad, the compound demon that it's built in my brain has become something bigger than the sum of its parts. You know, it's like, it's become this thing. And now I'm in a bad place because there's all these little things bothering me and it's all whatever. And they're not being addressed properly because I can't address each thing individually because they're all swirling around in my brain so quickly. Does that make sense? So I had this idea to help me handle this current state of mind that I'm in, which was to write everything down, all of the negative feelings that I'm feeling, all of the challenging feelings that I'm feeling to write them all down, and to go through one by one and write a quote or a mantra or a reminder to address that particular challenge so that for the remainder of this time that I'm dealing with all of these feelings, every time I'm like, I just can't handle it. I'm overwhelmed. It's swirling around in my head. I can go to this document and read what I need to hear. Do you see what I'm saying? And I really loved this idea. I don't think I invented it, but I came up with it in this moment because it's something I needed, but I don't think I invented it. But I love this idea so much that I was like, you know, maybe I share this. Maybe I share this with the internet. And so that's what I'm going to be doing today because not only do I think that this is a helpful thing to do when in a similar state of mind that I'm in right now, but also because if I need to hear these things, there's a chance that someone else out there might need to hear these things too. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo. Okay, hear me out. Apparently you can earn cashback with your Venmo debit card. All you have to do is join Venmo stash in boom. You get cashback when you shop at your favorite brands. It's kind of an awesome flex. With Venmo stash, you can get up to 5% cashback at your Fave brands. Just pick a bundle of your go-to's to shop with your Venmo debit card and earn cashback at them. In your free to mix things up, you can easily swap out your bundle of brands every 30 days. Start earning when you do more with stash. Venmo stash terms and exclusions apply, max $100 cashback per month. See terms at Venmo.me slash stash terms. Now back to the episode. It seems that I'm dealing with a lot of tiny little, not tiny, but like a lot of common challenges, just all at once. And again, none of them are like overwhelmingly painful to the point that it's like all consuming. They're all compounded together. But yeah, there's a chance that maybe you need to hear one of the things that I need to hear right now. And so that's what we're going to be doing today. I'm going to be going through all of my various challenging thoughts and then sharing with you the reminders that I wrote down for myself that truly helped me with these things. Because the thing is, when you have a bunch of challenging thoughts swirling around in the brain, and there may be more minor things that you've maybe dealt with before and maybe even know the anecdote for. Like you know how to manage those feelings. If you have a bunch of things going on at once, it's much harder to use what you know and address the issue. Because you're also distracted. You're like trying to solve this thing over here, but then this thing over here, it's nice to sit down and lay it all out and address things one by one and look inward and write down what you know you need to remember. Because the thing is, I know the solution. I know the solution to these challenges. I know how to solve them. Does that make sense? I know what to remind myself of when I start spiraling about a particular thing. Because I have a tendency to do a little bit of spiraling. So I know what I need to remind myself. But when there's too many things going on at once, I just can't for some reason. And so without further ado, let's get into it. Starting out with the feeling that I'm not getting enough done. I've been really struggling with this lately. Just feeling like I'm putting so much time and effort into my job. And yet I'm not producing enough. And this is something I've always struggled with. I think it also connects relates to my imposter syndrome. This feeling of I don't deserve what I have in my life. I don't deserve the career I have. I don't deserve the friends I have. I don't deserve the life I have. I've always struggled with imposter syndrome. And it can sometimes flare up if not being well tended to. And recently I've just been feeling like I'm not doing enough. And the truth of the matter is, I am working as hard as I possibly can. I really am. I'm not slacking at all. I'm not slacking at all. And that's the first thing I have to remind myself. I work every day very hard with little distraction. What am I being so hard on myself about? I actually am getting things done. But see, that's not enough for me. Because to me, I'm always like, well, there could always be more. You could always get more done. And so that's actually not a helpful. Like, I mean, I try to remind myself of what I've accomplished every day. You know, I try to remind myself what I've accomplished in the last week, the last month. And yeah, you know, sometimes that can help. But I honestly don't think these feelings actually are about how much work I'm getting done or not. I think it usually is a manifestation of some other feeling. Does that make sense? It's not really about how much work I'm getting done. It's something else. When I'm feeling like I'm not getting enough done and I'm wrapped up in my imposter syndrome. I have to remind myself number one that productivity is not a measure of my worth. If my confidence is low, I'll start to put my confidence in the wrong areas. This is an ongoing challenge for all of us all the time. You know, we constantly have to work on having our confidence be based on our sense of self, who we are as people, how kind we are, how generous we are, what we bring to the world in that way. But in a moment of vulnerability, your confidence can get wrapped up in your significant others' opinion of you, your friends' opinion of you, your level of productivity, what you look like. It's very easy for your confidence to reside in places that it shouldn't. And I think there is a chance that maybe my confidence isn't in a good place right now. Actually, I don't think my confidence is in a great place right now. I need to do some work on that. And it's important to remind myself that productivity is not a measure of my worth. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person. You know what I mean? Like, how do I treat people? What do I bring to the world in that way? You know, that's what matters. And that is really important and helpful reminder for me. Another reminder is I'm doing the best that I can. And I kind of said this already, but like, I'm doing the best I can. And that's enough. It's enough. Like, this is so. I'm really sounding like a Pinterest board right now. Like, I really sound like a Pinterest board, but this is the type of shit that fucking helps. And you know what? To be cringes to be free, as they say. And I don't care if I'm a little cringy right now because this is what helps me. And this corny shit actually does help sometimes. Doing the best you can, doing as much as you can is enough. Like, it just isn't that deep. It's enough. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know. It's a simple way of putting it, but I don't even know how to elaborate on it. That's just what it is. It's just simply enough. And I think in my case, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied when I'm in this state of mind. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, when you're in a place where you have imposter syndrome and you feel like you're not getting enough done and you're putting all this pressure on yourself, I don't think it's possible to feel satisfied when you're in that headspace because it's not because it's not about how much work you're getting done. It's about not feeling good about yourself and trying to get as much done as you possibly can to feel better. You know what I mean? And because it's not actually rooted in not getting enough done at least in my case, I have to remind myself that what I'm doing, which is my best and as much as I can possibly do, that's enough. Again, cringe and corny, but here we are. In last but not least, I have to remind myself that on my deathbed, it will not matter how much work I got done. It will not matter how productive I was. In that, honestly, without fail, every time puts this into perspective for me. When I realize, like, wait a minute, when I'm dying, am I going to care about my output, like my work output, like how efficient I am. Who cares about that? That doesn't matter. That's not the bigger picture. Like the bigger picture is the relationships you have in your life, the bonds that you've made, the lives that you've changed, even in small ways. It doesn't matter. Small ways could be like the way that you smiled at people every day at work. It could have been the way that you always helped old people. I don't fucking know, but it's like that's what is going to matter on your deathbed, not how much work you got done. And again, I think these are things that I need to remind myself of specifically because I specifically struggle with imposter syndrome and overworking myself. And so, you know, that's why these things are particular reminders for me. Whereas, if you're somebody who maybe doesn't struggle with that, these things might not apply, but those really help me. Next, this kind of goes hand in hand with not feeling like I'm getting enough done, but it's a different feeling. It's a different challenge. The next challenge is I have a tendency, when going through a hard time, to overwork myself as a distraction in my life. Like I will just work in work and work and work and work and destroy my work life balance to escape from my other challenges. It's a form of avoiding, right? And I think the hardest thing about it is that it's really easy to convince yourself that you're just being productive. You're just getting shit done. You're just getting ahead, you know, maybe not getting ahead. I never feel ahead. But like you get what I'm saying, it's a socially acceptable way of distracting from emotions. But the reality is distracting from emotions is preventing any sort of progress. Like a distraction is a distraction. And so I have to remind myself of that. Like it's not healthy and productive to distract myself with work. Yeah, maybe I'm getting a lot done, but you know what else I'm doing? Burning myself out. Burning myself out and running away from my problems and preventing healing and progress, which is, like that's only making, that's only elongating the struggle. If I were to instead maintain a work life balance in challenging moments, it would actually help the pain in the discomfort and sooner. Just because it's a socially acceptable distraction doesn't mean it's not a distraction. And so that's something I have to remind myself of. But I think the most potent reminder for me when dealing with this is the quote, I don't even know where this came from. But if work fills every corner of your life, there is no room left for living. That is dark to me. Okay. And that is very true. And whenever I remind myself of that, I am like, oh God, I can't, like I'm not living my life. I'm not living my life. I'm running away from my life by like by working to, you know what I mean? Like I need to prioritize living my life again. Because again, it goes back to the deathbed thing. On my deathbed, it's going to be a more fond memory, honestly, remembering me going through a challenge and overcoming it and growing through it and the beauty of that experience. That's such a better, more beautiful memory than me working too much to the point of just avoiding addressing a challenge, you know? And I'm not going to remember the work. No one, you don't remember the work. You know, maybe some work is like fun and awesome. And I definitely am lucky that there are moments where work is amazing. But I have to remember that if work fills every corner of your life, there is no room left for living. And that scares the shit out of me and makes me realize, you know, what I need to make space to live my life. And you know what? In this particular moment, living my life means addressing a challenge, addressing uncomfortable feelings. But that's what I got to do. Now moving on to my next challenging feeling, which goes hand in hand with the last two, feeling burnt out. And I've talked a lot about feeling burnt out because I do have a tendency to burn myself out. And it's sort of this like hamster real situation of, you know, I will over all like have imposter syndrome, feel like I'm not getting enough done. Maybe then I overwork myself to try to eradicate those feelings. Then it causes burnout and then I can't get anything done. And then that gives me imposter syndrome worse. And it and I can get off that hamster wheel and I have many times, right? But I can get into that cycle, right? It happens. I would say recently I've sort of been in that cycle a little bit. I read this quote recently from someone who has a similar name to me, Emma Matthews. The quote is sometimes burnout is the wake up call for how far you've fallen out of alignment with who you are and what you want from life. I love this quote because it puts burnout in a more positive light. Like I think I personally have a hard time with feeling burnt out because I'm like I did this to myself. I'm such an idiot. I should have known better. I let myself do this again. Now I can't get anything done. Now I'm so exhausted. I like can't do anything. I'm, you know, now I'm really not getting anything done. And I have a tendency to in that dark time look at burnout as a really negative thing. And this quote to me is like, hey, no, it's just a wake up call that things have fallen out of alignment. And there's this call to action of like, fucking fix it then fix it. Find the root of the issue, whether it's low confidence leading to imposter syndrome or it's running away from problems that you don't want to address over working yourself or maybe it's not having a work situation or a home situation that's working. It's a wake up call that's things need to change. Things need to be addressed. And that's actually a really beautiful thing because that is the thing about burnout. You can't rest it off. It's like an exhaustion that doesn't go away just from going on a vacation. It's an issue in your life that's woven into your life. And you need to seam rip and re-sell. That's kind of the nature of burnout is that it's like, oh no, this is a structural issue. We need to restructure things. And I think it can be really easy to get down on yourself and be like, fuck, like I, I don't even know where to start. Why do I feel this way? I feel lazy. I feel like a sack of shit. And in the quote, sometimes burnout is the wake up call for how far you fall out of alignment with who you are and what you want from life. It just, it reminds you of the value of hitting burnout and it's calling you to do something. Even when you're burnt out, like the concept of restructuring and fixing things is actually the only thing you have motivation to do, at least in my experience. And so, but again, every time I hit burnout, I forget, at least in the beginning, that, wait, this is a sign, this is a reminder, this is a wake up call that I'm not, things are not calibrated properly. And I need to recalibrate. And I love that quote. Emma Matthews. Who are you? I'm gonna Google Emma Matthews because she, like, I mean, she really spoke with that one. She spoke to me. Okay, I Googled Emma Matthews and nothing came up. So I don't know, I don't know, but good quote. Saw it on Pinterest and loved it. Another thing I heard online recently, actually on YouTube shorts, which is like toxic because I am, you know, it's like I'm scrolling on YouTube shorts, which is never good. But I actually did hear someone say something that really resonated with me and I'd never heard it before. And to some of you, this might be like so obvious and like your parents have been saying this to you since you were a kid. Well, guess what? I just heard it for the first time and it really resonated with me. And I actually shared it with some of my friends and they were like, that doesn't resonate with me. And I was like, no problem. So this might not resonate with you because I guess this one's controversial, but basically someone on this YouTube short, I don't remember their name. And I think this is more of a mainstream concept. Like they didn't invent it or anything. It's basically the concept of think of yourself as a catapult. Okay. You know what a catapult is? It's like one of those little things that you pull back and you have like something in it and then you pull it back and then it throws it. I'm realizing now that if you don't know what a catapult is, this one is not going to help you. But I invite you to Google a catapult if you don't know what that is. Anyway, the concept is basically think of yourself as a catapult and rest is like pulling back the catapult. The more you rest, the further you'll be able to go when you let go. Okay. It's really just basically saying the more you rest, the more you'll be able to get done. Now as I just mentioned, right? Like burnout is in, I guess, you know what? I guess that quote is actually more helpful for when I'm feeling like I'm not getting enough done, but I don't know. It's kind of like it kind of addresses not getting enough done overworking myself as a distraction and feeling burnt out. Like it kind of relates to all of that in a way. But anyway, the further you pull back the catapult, let yourself rest, the farther you'll go when you let go. And again, I think this is this really resonated with me because I'm someone who just, I'm somebody who really struggles with resting. I feel like, especially recently, I've not always felt that way. And it's something I've been struggling with more recently where I just feel guilt when I rest and I know better. I fucking know better, but I've been back in that state of mind recently. And this quote really helped me and is helping me allow myself rest. Hey, you know what? We'll take what we can get, you know what I mean? We'll do whatever works. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Garnier. You guys know I love doing my makeup. It's kind of a whole thing. But taking it off, that's where I need it to be easy. Garnier waterproof micellar water makes removing makeup simple. It easily lifts away that stubborn waterproof mascara, heavy, long wear foundation, dirt, oil, you name it, which is all I can ask for at the end of the day. Head to Amazon to shop Garnier waterproof micellar water now. Now back to the episode. Okay, moving on. The next thing I've been dealing with is sweating over the small stuff. Like hyper focusing on small things and turning them into big things that don't need to be that big kind of blowing things out of proportion, hyper focusing on small stuff and like not letting things roll off my back. Just like zooming in on things that aren't really that big of a deal and making them a bigger deal. I have a tendency to do this. Get kind of hyper focused on stuff and really get upset about it. And it's just not, I can't live like this. When I'm dealing with this, I remind myself of the bigger picture. When I'm super stressed out about the way someone texted me, I'm like, wait, are they mad at me? They seem, their tone seems off. Or I'm hyper focused on like, I'm having my skin's breaking out and I'm really upset. Like small stuff like that that like really isn't that big of a deal. Or I'm like, I don't know, you get the idea. Small stuff. When I find myself in the state of mind where I'm hyper focusing on these things, I have to remind myself the bigger fucking picture. These things do not matter. Zoom out, zoom out. I have to zoom out and think about what a real issue is. What's a real issue? And once I compare these small little things to like what an actual fucking issue is, I'm like, I gotta let this go. Like this is a waste of my energy. This is ridiculous. This is stupid. I'm being stupid. This is stupid. You know, look at the bigger picture. Imagine a real issue. And honestly, that gets my ass. It whips my ass into shape. Quick. But again, I can sometimes forget that I'm doing it. And I've been doing it a lot lately. In addition to all these other things that I've been ruminating about. So it's been really hard to catch myself doing it. I've just been doing it and not thinking about it. And so I really, you know, I need to remind myself to zoom out. It seems obvious, but I don't know. It doesn't come naturally to zoom out, especially when you're hyper focused on something. You're hyper focused on it. You have to make an active choice to zoom out. So that's one reminder. I have another quote for you for this particular challenge. If life is like a book, when you look back years from now, today's worry may not even earn a sentence. So don't let it steal the whole page. Oh my God. Did you hear that? That's good. That's a good one. Don't let it steal a whole page. And it's so true. But that's really just kind of like zooming out, but that's a nice metaphor for it. I have to really practice giving attention to things that like deserve and need my attention. Because I have a tendency to want to give full attention to everything and you just can't do that. And it's hard at times to figure out what needs full attention, what doesn't. But I think zooming out and looking at it with a broader perspective, a lot of times with this type of small stuff. It's, it's, you realize very quickly like, oh my God, this is a waste of my energy. This doesn't matter. You know, I'm happy. I'm healthy. The people I love are happy and healthy. You know, I have a roof over my head like it's like the bigger fucking picture and a story in that that whips my ass into shape. Next, something I've been struggling with lately is feelings of intense fear and anxiety just underlying all the time. And this is something I deal with almost constantly to be honest because I actually am sort of convinced. It's, and I'm not complaining, but I do think that a lot of my fear and anxiety is rooted in my career to be honest in this job and being a public figure. And again, I know what you're thinking. Am I you're not Taylor Swift? Like shut the fuck up. You can go to the store. I know. But everything's relative. And I being a public figure for me causes me a lot of fear and anxiety for a plethora of reasons. And it's very challenging for me. Psychologically, I have a really hard time. It causes me a lot of fear and anxiety, whether it's for like, whether it's like physical safety or it's psychological safety because being perceived at the level can be really tough. And as I've said, many times on this podcast, I've developed various psychological issues, a little PTSD, a little OCD from experiences on the internet where I've been, where things have gotten rough for me. And people have been nice to me or whatever. So like I have a neuro pathway that is not my favorite one. But I have a, like so I have this sort of underlying fear and anxiety all the time about all of the different complications that come with this job. However I'm still fucking doing it. Like I'm doing it and I am not complaining. This is just a reality of the situation. And it doesn't matter. By the way, I'm convinced. See, I think that it has something to do with the job. But to be honest, if it wasn't this, it'd probably be something else. And but right now, that's what it's rooted in is like just all the different fears that come with being a public figure. But then I also have like general anxiety and fears about stuff that everybody worries about, like getting murdered or something or like somebody love you, like you know, shit like that. Now I have to knock on wood. It's all consuming. It's all the time. It's really hard. It's really hard. But I have to remind myself of simple things. And you know, it's like, I think that this is a probably a deeper issue than say overworking myself as a distraction from my issues. Like that can be resolved with like a little reminder written down in my journal. Whereas this one is a bit tougher, but there are things that help alleviate some of the psychological discomfort. Starting with a quote. A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears. It's so true. It's like when I'm anxious and fearful, I'm getting in the way of enjoying my life. And I'm actually, I'm creating suffering when it's like, wait a minute, what I'm so afraid of is suffering. But now I'm already in it. I'm already I'm causing it. I'm suffering right fucking now. I'm suffering as though what I'm worried about came to pass. And it hasn't. So what the fuck is my life if I'm spending the time that could be good suffering because I'm worried about when it gets bad one day. It's like, you know what? But now it's just ruined all of my life because now it's like, you know what I'm saying? And I have to remind myself of that because it forces me to question the like, because I it's very easy at times to enable yourself to be anxious or to be scared. Because you almost feel like you're protecting yourself in a way and that it's useful. You can kind of convince yourself subconsciously that what you're doing is useful in that you're like managing a crisis that could happen. But really what you're doing is you're just causing suffering. And what you're trying to do, what you want to do is avoid the suffering. But now you're just causing it. That's potent for me. That really helps. Another quote. I think it's not just a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. Never came to pass. It didn't happen. And that's not to say that things that we worry about. is they can feel like real things that are happening. You know, I kind of mentioned that earlier, like you feel like by being anxious, by being fearful, by thinking, and ruminating about these scary things, that you're almost fixing them, or you're preventing them from happening, or you're getting ahead of it, you feel like you're being productive when you're not, you're just causing suffering. But the other thing to remember is, they are not real things. Do you know what I'm saying? It's not real. It's in your brain. It's not happening. Yet, it might happen, or it might eventually happen, but it's not happening right now. It's not a real tangible thing. It doesn't exist. You can't touch it. You're not living it. It's not real. And that really helps me sometimes too, to remember, wait a minute. This isn't a real thing that's happening, because I can sometimes get so anxious that I actually feel like the thing is happening. You know, it's hell to be honest. And before any of you guys are like, well, Emma needs to be medicated enough. Enough. Okay, I'm learning, and I'm dealing with it. And you know what? It is making me a stronger person, dealing with these challenges. But it's tough. Okay, moving on to something a little bit more light, something that has been swirling around in my head is sort of the fear of never dating again, never falling in love again, never finding another person that I feel attracted to, that I feel, you know, love for. I don't know, like just fear that I'm not going to find love, because for me, a big goal is to be married and to have children and to have a family. You know, that's one of my dreams in my life is having a family and creating my own family. That's so important to me and to sort of address this feeling. I have to remind myself number one that the last time I was single, I felt this way. I felt like I would never find love again. I'd never like anyone again. And then guess what I did when I dated somebody else. You know what I mean? I've been in quite a few relationships. Like I felt excited many times. Have they failed every time? Sure, sure. But I know I can feel excited again, at least. Also I have to remind myself how many people are on this planet. It's billions. That's kind of a cliche, like whatever. And it kind of is an empty, like not empty, but it's kind of like a, it doesn't really help when someone's like, there's so many fish in the sea. Don't you worry? Because it's like, yeah, but who's to say that there's someone out there for me, you know? Because we were unique. We're all unique in our own way. And so it's like hard to imagine that there are like many options out there. I don't know. But that is sometimes a helpful reminder. It's like, no, there are a lot of people out there. And as much as we're all special, I don't know that we're that special, so special that there aren't multiple options for us compatibility-wise. Like there is. I really do think there's someone out there for everyone if they want it, if they want to find it. You know, or if that's like their desire, I think everybody could find somebody. I think, I don't know. I just tell myself that. I also remind myself that, especially in dating, I feel like everything does happen for a reason. I don't think that that mantra quote reminder applies to everything. I really don't. But in relationships, I actually find that for the most part it does. Everything in relationships usually do happen for a reason. You run into people when you're supposed to run into them. You break up when you're supposed to break up. You get back together, if you're supposed to get back together. Like if you love something set up free and if it was meant to be, it'll come back. You know, it's like all of this. It, I really do feel like in love in romance, it really does apply, at least in my experience. And so I do choose to remind myself when I'm worried about this that everything happens for a reason. You know, and for whatever reason I'm meant to be single right now. For whatever reason I'm meant to, like it's just, this is what the universe has decided for me for whatever reason. There's something about romance that makes me spiritual in where I'm not in other areas as much. I become very spiritual with love in romance. Cause it feels to me, not to sound like, I don't know, not to sound weird, but there is something about love in romance that does feel like beyond comprehension in a way. Like the way that we click with people in that way is so interesting. Like why we choose people that we choose and why it works or why it doesn't work. Like I don't know, it just feels like there's something spiritual about romance to me in a way. And also the way it unfolds, like how everyone that you meet teaches you something new. I don't know, but also getting back on track. When I'm worried about never dating again or never falling in love again, if you will, I remind myself that, you know what? It'll work itself out. And for now, it's better to be single than to be in the wrong relationship, right? I'm not even gonna say the wrong person cause you never know. Like shit's crazy. People like date in high school and then break up and then date again when they're like 70 years old and get married when they're 70 because they met again. Like you just never know what's gonna happen. So I wouldn't say that, you know, but and I'm not opposed to like who knows? But yeah, being single is much more productive and much healthier and much more enjoyable than being in a relationship that's not working because that is miserable. And I have to remind myself of that, like being in a relationship that's not working is not fun for anyone. So fuck that. Ooh, we're getting into another challenge I've been dealing with and this one's another one that's really painful. Like some of these are not that painful and then some of them are like really painful. So this one's very painful for me. I struggle with perfectionism and this obsession with being a perfect person morally, like being a morally perfect person. And it's something that I've developed I think as a result again from this career, it's a shame because I actually think in a way like the internet has gotten to a point where you will get your, you will get ripped a new one if you fuck up, right? And it's kind of like fun to like see who's getting torn down on this particular day, who's getting canceled on this particular day. Like it's entertaining for people to be caught in a bad moment, whether it's a morally bad moment or it's like a aesthetically bad moment or like yeah, that's just like the nature of the internet. You know, like it's kind of a sport for netizens, if you will, people online to catch public figures in a bad moment. And you know, I think it's one of those things where in some ways it's like, yeah, I mean, public figures, if they do something wrong, say something wrong or you know, I think it's totally fair to hold accountable, fair, fair. But it has manifested, like that sort of culture online has manifested in me on a personal level that is very imbalanced, like it's not healthy, right? It's manifested itself in a way where like, now I'm such a perfectionist about everything with myself, you know, like I really am obsessed with being a good person in a way that is just not healthy sometimes, you know? And I have moments where like I'm not struggling with this, but recently I've been really struggling with this where I'm just like, I'm just so scared of doing something wrong. I'm so scared of doing something wrong. Like in my heart, I know that I would never do, I don't want to do anything wrong, I don't want to harm anyone, I don't want to do anything wrong. But that doesn't matter on the internet, that doesn't matter on the internet. Even if your intentions are good, even if you, like it doesn't matter. So like that's what I think is so tough about it is that I'm so obsessive with doing the right thing because I'm afraid that with the internet will like catch me doing something wrong and then turn into the same, you get what I'm saying by this, it's like, I've become a perfectionist trying to prevent something that like is, I don't even think I can prevent it. This is just how the internet is, you know? I don't not explain it, but it's very hard for me. And I'm very obsessive about my own behavior and I'm constantly reflecting on everything I do and say and making sure that everything I did and said was okay and didn't hurt anyone. And I'm just like very paranoid. And again, I think it's like, I've learned a lot about being a good person from being on the internet and being a public figure because there's been a lot of awareness around it which I think in some ways has been really beautiful and like a great thing, but then I think I took it too far. But I'm also like a perfectionist with other things too. It's kind of like all across my life and it gives me a sense of control too. Being an anxious person, I crave control. And so, you know, being a perfectionist doing everything perfectly makes me feeling control but it's like a false sense of control. It actually just makes me fucking miserable. So what I have to remind myself of is number one, how am I supposed to learn if I'm being perfect all the time? If I never make a mistake, if I never do anything wrong, how am I supposed to learn? Learning ends with perfection. If you're perfect learning ends and life is about learning and I want to be a student of life. So guess what? I need to just live my fucking life, do the best I can and I'm gonna fuck up along the way probably and guess what? I will learn something from that and that is valuable. That is what makes life dynamic and interesting. That's actually a beautiful thing. A perfect life is a boring life, which leads me to my next thing that I have to remind myself of, which is perfection is boring. It is boring. It's sterile. There's no grit. There's nothing to grasp on to. There's no humanity there that's boring. That's boring. And I feel like I've watered myself down over the years because I'm so scared and it's like, that's so fucking boring. That's so boring, you know? And so I'm trying to like stop with my perfectionism because I feel like it's making me boring. And fuck that. Moving on to a quote I have, which is perfectionism is very addictive because it's very seductive. It's so great to think there's a way I can do things where I can never be held in judgment by other people that I can totally escape criticism, but it doesn't work. If I were to quote, moving on to my last reminder that I have to give myself, which is if your goal is impossible, it will drive you nuts. Perfection doesn't exist. Blah, blah, blah. Well, guess what? I'm in this pursuit for perfection, morally, you know, and all this and it's driving me nuts. I'm disappointed. I'll never reach it. It only just makes everything harder. If you cannot possibly in any stretch of anyone's imagination and in any stretch of reality reach your goal, it's a bad goal and it's just, it's only gonna actually set you back. It'll discourage you. It'll lower your confidence and it's just bad. So those are my reminders for that. Moving on. Next, I've recently been feeling some feelings of regret, which is a rare feeling for me. I don't feel regret very often, but it does happen every once in a while and when it does, I have to remind myself what I usually hold very strong in the front of my head in the front of my brain, which is you are a product of every single mistake you've ever made. Again, that's what makes you you. That's how you learn. There's a lot of value in making mistakes and I do believe that experiences happen, regret happens to teach you something. And if you learn from your mistakes, then there's no need to regret because it served its purpose, you know? Now you're a better person than you were before. That's great. And I also have to remind myself that regret doesn't change anything. Like what's done is done and all we have is the present moment and the only thing I can control is the present moment. And so it's like it's pointless and useless to worry about the past. What can I do right now? Do I need to communicate with somebody? Do I need to change my lifestyle? Like I don't know what I'm regretting. Well, I mean, I know what I'm regretting, but it's not that big of a deal. But I don't even regret it. But I've been toying with some regrets lately where I can't tell if I regret something or not. But I shouldn't because it's teaching me something. And I need to focus on the present moment and what I can do right now as a result of what I've learned from that experience. You know what I mean? And last but not least, another thing I've been worried about a lot lately is if people are mad at me, I've been very overwhelmed with feelings of like, I don't know, just feeling anxious that people are mad at me, that people don't like me. Like again, it's like, when you have this much shit swirling around in your head, your confidence goes down, goes out of the window. You can't maintain your sense of confidence and self-sense of self-worth when you're feeling a bazillion different negative feelings all at once, you know? And that's led me to feeling sort of insecure in my relationships. And I'm like, oh, are people mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Like I just like don't, I'm like completely amassed. Okay. I think when it comes to feeling like people are angry at me, the most important reminder for me is communication is so powerful. If, let's say someone is mad, it is so powerful to sit down with that person, hear them out and apologize. Like it's that easy. A lot of times that's all it takes, you know? Like that's it. So what I have to remind myself of is like, it can all be resolved through being like, hey, is it, are we good? And if they're like, no, then it's like, oh shit, okay, let's work it out. That's the worst case scenario. Worst case scenario. And communication fixes everything. And I've really been trying to in moments where I'm like, oh God, I feel like someone's mad at me. Reach out and be like, hey, are you mad at me? And, you know, usually the answer is no, but if it is everyone's no, well, yes, it's like, let's work it out. And then it gets worked out. And then it's like, oh my God, we get to let it go. You know, but a lot of times we can think someone's mad at us and just let it swirl around in our head. Ask, ask, ask. If you have a gut feeling, ask and work it out. Ah, I will be referring back to this until I slowly but surely start to check off some of these challenges and, you know, work through them and get into a stronger place. It's a compound thing. It's just sometimes things compound and it's just a lot to handle. But honestly, this has been a really helpful exercise for me. I hope that you try it. Maybe if you find yourself in a place where you can't quite pinpoint all the things that you're dealing with and you don't know how to solve them and it's all swirling around in your brain, try this journal. And I think I just overshared, I fear. So well, what are you gonna do? That's it for today. Thank you all for listening and hanging out. I love you all. I appreciate you all. It's always a joy and a pleasure. And I normally tell you like new episodes every Thursday and Sunday and anything goes on social media. And my name's Emma and you can find me and then Jay Merlin got me. I don't really, I'm not in the mood. I just like overshared so much that it feels weird to be like, I can't even, I just have to be done. I have to cut myself off before I like, I don't know. Get even more comfortable. So anyway, as I said, thank you all for listening and hanging out. I love you all. And I will talk to you in a few days. Ah, I love you. Bye.