#762 - ARI SHAFFIR + KEVIN RYAN + H. FOLEY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. I'll show you what I can do. Is this thing even on? A priest in a wrapout walks into a bar. I didn't really mean everything I said that night. This is gonna be insane. This is going to be awesome. Kill Tony, Saturday April 18, tickets on sale now. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony HinchCliff! Who's ready for the best tonight of their fucking lives, huh? Yippee! Thanks a bunch for Brian, Red Band. And that is the best damn band in all the land. Have a little more time for them, huh? Oh my goodness. Hello everybody. You are here at the number one live podcast in the world. This episode is brought to you by Shopify and Quill. How are we feeling tonight? You guys excited to be here? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. Si, señor. You can't call ICE with the phones locked up. One more time for Matt Mueling. He's actually an undercover ICE officer. Fun fact, that's why he sits on the other side. And John Deese is on the keys, everybody. He is the band that put this whole band together. And this right here is D-Madness, live in the flesh, everyone. We have an unbelievable episode ready for you. I mean, I think so. We have no idea what's gonna fucking happen, really. But before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Boy, oh boy, do I have good news for you guys. Every single week I book the show. This week, no different. Two of the funniest human beings in the world. Most importantly, two masters of podcasting. Two guys that on this show are literally two of my favorites. I've been looking forward to this for a very long time. Please welcome the hosts of the Are You Garbage Podcast. Two of the best. It's Kevin Ryan and H. Foley, everybody. Yes. Here we go. H. Foley. Kevin motherfucking Ryan. Let's go. Two of the best guests in the show's history. They are on the Back on the Block tour. Tickets available at our YouGarbage.com. Boys, gentlemen, welcome back. Thanks for fucking having us, Tony. Here we go. Thank you, Austin, for having us. Goddamn right. You guys have done the show numerous times before. It's always, always the best fucking episodes. This bucket, as you know, is filled with hundreds, hundreds of names. They're all stacked on top of each other at a disgusting bar next door. I mean, it is horrible. The conditions are crazy. There have been fights lately. There's people sweating all over each other. They have vodka tonic pitchers for like $3 or something. Insane. So people are like getting too fucked up. They're trying to make money off these open micers that should not be drinking before the show, before the opportunity of a lifetime. If I pull their name out of the bucket, it's simple. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted in front of millions and millions of viewers at home and the hundreds and hundreds in this packed house. You know, there's 60 seconds up in the sound of a kitten. It means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set with an extremely loud noise. And then I conduct an interview and try to find out more about them and their insane lives and anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're gonna start it with a bang tonight, everybody. This guy for the literally the longest time was the closer of the show. He is the Hall of Fame member with the record for most appearances in the show's history. Most interviews in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man that some people call the Baron of Blutue, the Sultan of Shopify, the Queen of Quo, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Yoko Ono, the widow of Beatles, great John Lennon just revealed she thinks he was gay. I think that explains some of the songs he wrote. Norwegian Wood, Roll Over Beethoven, Twist and Shout, This Boy Has My Penis in His Mouth. And by the way, are they ever gonna make the Fred Flintstone car again? A guy in LA died after cutting his own dick off. Uh, Red Band, what does it feel like not to have a dick? Oh, you use AI? Cool. I used it 20 years ago. It was called Miss Cleo. Bumper God, Rouge of Light! Y'all may not know this, but Apex Twin's real name is Richard D. James. So when he goes on stage, he says, it's Rick James, bitch! Okay, that's my time, Tony! Wow. Tony, I thought that was gonna be a rare Apex Twin when you laughed at. I thought I was gonna get you with the it's Rick James bitch part. Wow. I'm gonna tell you, Apex Twin, I mean, let's just glance over the topics of this set. Yoko Ono, Fred Flintstone, Miss Cleo, and Rick James. Can anybody guess what fucking year we're in right now? William, what is going on with your writing process? Don't we all know what's going on with my penis right now? That blue two guy gave me one of those things. He told me it was fucking candy, dude. I ate a whole one of those new ones, the Viagra, with all that other shit in it, yeah. I took one of those earlier tonight. My thing feels pretty good right now, Tony! Yeah, that was a good one. How are you doing over there? Michael, that was a drum hit. Say that one more time. Your thing's feeling what? Tony, my thing's feeling pretty good right now! Ah, now it's not feeling good. Sometimes those drums can sober your little boner up. I know, and also, Tony, before I answer your question, I was in San Diego this past weekend, and I was doodling, and I get up, and I'm holding my cell phone, it falls out of my hands, and I think, oh my god, it's about to fall in all this shit, and I block it out of the way, and it ricochets off the side of the wall, and it goes right into my shit, Tony. It was horrible! And I had to go on stage 30 minutes ahead before that, I mean, it was horrible. Okay, let's go one step at a time here, so... At the point in which you look down, and your phone's in the shit, do you immediately grab it with your bare hand, do you grab paper towels? What exactly is the William Montgomery approach? I immediately grab it with my right hand, there's literally shit on the phone. Wow! It was horrible. It's like the 10 second rule, kind of. Thank you, Red Band. I don't know why I looked at you. Yeah, I actually really, I agree with Red Band on that one, Tony, I really agree with it. So what, after 10 seconds then, what would you do? Leave it forever. That's for mozzarella sticks, not shit. Who better to have on the panel than the RU garbage guys that tries to find out if and what is garbage-y about people, and here he is, literally, I go, the hall of fame, or the biggest tale, the... And Tony... Me drop, whonning, doodling. And Tony, I also came with my whole of my shirt. I also came with the whole of my shirt. Rebbe, you just fucked that up, dude. Yeah. I was just talking to Tony. He told me I was. Then he wanted the whole of my shirt. What do you do, this idiot? It's the beginning of the show, idiot. You do have a hole in your shirt. Many people are wondering exactly how much money would you have to make to not have a hole in your shirt? Can I say that's a polo t-shirt that's been weathered in with a hole in the shirt, that's fine. Oh, you like it. Yeah, thank you. Rich guys wear that shit all the time. Tony also has holes in his shirt. That's what he's trying to say. And they ain't polo. But Tony, no, I ended up getting my cell phone out of the shed. I ended up just washing my hands. I got a good lather up with the bar of soap I had in there, and I just washed the cell phone with my soapy hands. Let me ask you this. Was there any residue, doodoo, if you will, in the phone charger port or the sides? I think it was in the bottom part, because I immediately called my father to tell him what happened. And I'm starting to smell this shit. I'm like, oh my God, it's still in the bottom part. Wow. Hold on, Tony, my thanks feel like good again, man. Oh shit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wow. I'm kidding. Oh, okay. I mean, amazing. Was it like floaters or was it like a pile? Thank you, Red Band. The question everybody wants to know. Isn't there another sound effect? Go to like a different sound effect board. There you go. You're all right. That's just disgusting to ask a question. Was it a big pile of shit? It was one of those ones that it looked solid, but if you just stirred it around a little bit, it would go around. Little bit. We call that the old oval teen, you know what I mean? The oval teen shit. The hot cocoa mix. Yes, absolutely. Was it with marshmallows or without? It was with corn, with yellow corn. Absolutely. And red peppers. Ooh, red peps. You didn't digest the red peps? I did not. I had fajitas the night before. Ooh, my goodness. You don't digest red peppers? I do not. It's kind of an anomaly. Red headed people do not digest red peppers. You had- Digest every other color, but not red. You had San Diego fajitas the night before? No, I just made some in my oven. You made fajitas in your oven? Yes. Can you take us through the process? Cooking with William Montgomery has never been a segment on this show. Can I get a little fajita music with the horn section over there? And here we go. The recipe is fajitas, and this is William Montgomery's recipe. So you want to get three red peppers, three green peppers, three yellow peppers. You're going to want to cut those buddies up really nice and tight. You want to really chop those things up. You want to make sure they're clean before you start chopping them up. You want to run them through the water for at least 30 to 45 seconds. Once you've got them really clean, you want to start chopping those bad boys up really thinly sliced. You want to get some chicken breast going on the side. You want to really cut those suckers up really small like you would imagine in a Mexican restaurant. Really get those things going, and then you get some of the pepper stuff. It's really good pepper you put on there and some- It's a lot of peppers. A lot of peppers already. Oh my gosh. And then you put them in the oven for 25 minutes and you get it out. They're sizzling. They're wonderful. You get the tortillas going on the eye of the stove maybe five minutes before they come out of the oven. Hold on a second. You said red peppers about nine times. You mentioned chicken. Salt, pepper. There's no onions in this mix? Yeah, there's some onions in there. I didn't hear onions. Did anybody hear onions? I forgot to mention the blue chew shit's messing with my brain. Oh my goodness. Be careful driving on blue chew. Because it's really messing with my brain right now, Tony. It only affects one of your heads. Wow, there you go. Dead silence. Ladies and gentlemen. Tony, I actually do want to get very serious here for one second. I swear to God, somebody has made, and I'm going to be honest, at the beginning when all this shit happened with Ukraine and Russia, I'm thinking, okay, maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine. I don't really give a shit, but maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine, whatever. Come to find out. Somebody made some website called williammcgumrytort.com. I was able to get my little IT person to help me figure out where it's coming from. It's coming from Ukraine, the fucking country of Ukraine. These people are ripping my fucking ass off. So if you get online and try to search for tickets for me, williammcgumrytort.com comes up, do not get any tixes off of there because they're stealing your money. It's horrible, Tony. I'm involved in a cyber war fear game right now. Seriously. That's why I came with my fucking hole in my shirt, Tony. Are you serious? I've been having this really hard time. Go to the website real quick there. Williammcgumrytort.com. RedBan had to play a sonar noise instead of looking up the website that we're talking about in real time. We needed that sonar noise because it is a cyber war and what better than a sonar noise? It actually looks really efficient. Oh my God, it's literally better than your website. Yeah, I don't have a website. So it looks like my website. Oh my God. You have to- So if I wanted to take it things, it's all fake links. Like I was thinking, oh, if it's a real ticket link, that's wonderful. It's to the actual comedy club, but it's not. It goes to Stubhub. Yeah, it actually seems to be actual tickets, William. This person might be helping you. Yeah, it's just these people are selling the tickets. The Ukrainians are selling the tickets. Well, the Ukrainians are just looking for Web's Oh Wait, No. Hold on, tickets are $178 to go see you at the House of Comedy in Bloomington. Are you doing that? Right, my tickets are normally just $100. So that's how I do it. It's fake. No, I'm kidding. That's insane, right? $170, so I don't know. I'm sure nobody's obviously buying any of those tickets because it's still scarce. Here's a question. You have holes in your shirt. You are dropping your phone in shit. Have you thought about making your own website for the tickets that you sell every weekend? That one worked, Red Band. That was a funny one, dumbass. I need to, Tony. I need to get somebody. I need to hire somebody to do it. Wow, it almost seems like anybody would do that for you. It almost seems like a fan online would easily do that for you because it's so easy. But last time I did that, I remember doing, there was a Kill Tony episode where I wore a beekeeper's outfit. And the guy was running my YouTube. He thought I was trying to dress up like the Ku Klux Klan. And he deactivated my YouTube. So I think in regards to working with a fan, Tony, it could, I can't do that again. I mean, I was just throwing that out as an example. You could also hire somebody for 50 fucking bucks to do it, too. Why don't you hire the Ukraine guys? They seem to be pretty good. Yeah, I know. I need to somehow get in contact with those people. Let me ask you something, William. Right now, how's that thing feeling? It feel really good, Tony! There he goes, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The show heads to gun. And now to the bucket we go. Look at this guy. Already going pee just after one comedian. Look at this fucking pussy with a small bladder right here. Wow. What a homo. He made it nine minutes before having to urinate, everybody. My God. I have to tinkle. What a tiny, tiny bladder. Tiny bladder. Oh, yeah. That guy's going to have a rough time peeing right now. Luckily, he'll be sitting down. So, all right, your first bucket bowl of the night goes by the name of Hannah Jane, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Hannah. Oh, sorry. People take one look at me, and they're not really sure what they're looking at. I actually, I get misgendered more often than any woman should. And that honestly, it doesn't bother me. It's usually by the same woman that works at 7-Eleven. And she's trying her best, guys. Yeah. It's like stepping on someone's toes, you know? I can't get mad at that. I'm not going to correct her. But if, like, someone ever wanted to be polite and ask me what my pronouns are, I will slap you in the face to let you know I'm a bitch. And people are shocked when they find out that I date men. It's just not often, you know? I have one rule. They have to be more masculine than me. It's hard to find. I work in carpentry, and I think that's a big reason why I'm still single, because I work with wood all day. The last thing I want to do is go home and deal with Poplar. And if you don't get it, Poplar is an extremely soft wood. Better be Mahogany. Mahogany's black. Thank you. Hell yeah. Hannah Jane, welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Very first time. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up for? Uh, year April 7th. I love it. Where at? Tampa. Tampa. I love it. You do have an interesting energy about you. Are you the final boss on the video game, Lesbian? I do give off that, like, gay energy, probably, from doing gay shit, but... Um... Gay shit happens, alright? That's true. That's my bumper sticker on my car. Not a lot of people know that, but if you ever see a Corvette that says, gay shit happens, that's me. I love it. You had a dad in your life? I did. I'm very close with my dad. Yeah, I can tell. See, that's what I'm missing. I was raised by a single mom. That's why I'm a little bitch. And you are like, what's up? What's up? I'm just wearing my... I would think you had four or five dads in your life. This hit come my seven dads. Hell yeah. I can just picture your dad like, you know how to fix cars, don't you? No. Oh, okay, wow. That's what I had in my head. The blue chews still activated here. Very interesting. What does your dad do for work? He's retired. He was a Navy pilot. Oh, nice. Fuck yeah. He's a real man. Real man. Did he... Was he in Iraq or...? Um... He served 20 years, so yes, he did. Awesome, awesome. And you do carpentry and do you have a girlfriend or something? No, no. I'm single. You're single? Is there a dating app for lesbians? Is there like a scissor or something? No, I'm not a lesbian. Oh, you're really not? No. Oh, okay. Cool. I tried it. You're just a tough ass woman. Yeah. I love it. Have you ever tried a lesbian experience? The gayest thing I did. I dated a woman for like two years, but... That's also the... Fun fact. That's the straightest thing I've ever done. Yeah. I love it. So, can you tell us how that ended? What did you learn from two years with a woman? He sucked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you live with a woman? I did, yeah. Yeah. Lesbians tend to... That's a thing. I don't know if you guys know this. A stereotype of lesbians as they move in very quickly. How long were you... How long did you guys not live together before you lived together if you just had to throw a ballpark out there? Maybe like six months? Okay. Maybe like a pretty long. Yeah. That's a lifetime in the lesbian world. Yeah. Yeah. So now you're with men again. Are you sometimes tougher than the men that you're with? I've been on dates, but no, I was... Yeah, no. I've... No. I haven't been with men in a long time. Oh, I... I'll say that, you know. You guys try. I really do. Like, I go out like this and you guys are. It is desperate times because I... Why? Why are you hitting on me as crazy? I feel bad for y'all. Dude, male loneliness epidemic is real. And I'm part of the problem. I love that. You're very funny. I love your deadpan, very real delivery. You're self-deprecating while also well enunciated for someone from Tampa, Florida. I didn't grow up there. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you look beautiful. Oh, thank you. You got it. Appreciate that. Oh, yeah. You're the third hottest carpenter I've ever seen. Oh, yeah. You guys shut up. This is an easy target. Anyway, Tampa, huh? Yeah. I love it. So tell us more about you, Hannah. You have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy and carpeting? Um, no, I've been really getting into stand-up. I do like five mics a week in Tampa, which is very difficult. No, there's not. Nobody really does anything anymore, I don't think. What kind of a, what kind of car do you have or pickup trucker? I drive a Dodge. You do have a what? I drive a Dodge. A Dodge pickup truck? Yes. God damn it, I fucking nailed it. Look at that. Hit a button for me. All right. I love it. Have you always had a pickup truck? Um, no, this is my second truck. Super who was the first one, right? No, it was a little Ford Explorer, is what they call them, tend to blow up, tested the theory they do, they blow up. Yeah. See, most women don't know that. Yeah. Most women would drive the Ford Explorer, then they're calling for help on the side of the road. She's like, I fucking knew this was going to happen. Yeah. These goddamn thing, they don't make them like they used to. Nope. What kind of guys do you usually get attracted to? Like big muscular guys or wimpy finbots? All right, so if you approach me and ask me if I'm a lesbian, you've, no. I need someone, I need someone, I need someone that is so confident that they're like, I'm going to fuck that lesbian. I, I like that. Hell yeah. Look at that. Give me some lesbian horns over there. Hell yeah. I love it. That's amazing, Hannah. Amazing. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Do you live alone? No, I'm back home with my dad. Nice. What's the weirdest thing in your guys' fridge if you had to pick it? You have a, let me guess, an extraordinary amount of barbecue sauce. That's probably, that might be the only condiment actually, but it's not a lot. It's just normal white amount. Sweet baby rays? Of course. Yeah, absolutely. Amazing, Hannah. Well, I love it. You're very, very fun. You're very, very different. You're your own thing for only a year in. You're extraordinary. Here's a big Joe book. Thank you. Way to get the show started. Rockin' that bushlight t-shirt. I mean, this is a real woman right here. It's the kind of woman that'll fuck you and then beat the shit out of you before she leaves. That was awesome. Oh shit. Oh shit. Bluetooth activated. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Check out her podcast, Love on the Line at HeidiRigina.com. All right, this looks like a new name. Let's see a minute uninterrupted for the Mr. Ziegler. The Mr. Ziegler, everybody. Here we go. Good morning, Austin. How y'all doing tonight? So I'm into stud pussy. Anybody out there giving up the stud pussy? I've had a dream here recently. I wanted to do a threesome and I was going to title it Two Studs and Me. And we're going to quote it, No Homo. Yeah, I've been in the studs for a long time. Studs, tomboy's, all that good shit. It's pussy is pussy. I feel like as long as it don't look like me and it got titties, went out of dick. I'm pretty cool with that. So how y'all doing tonight? All right, all this the funny looking staff. Give it up for the funny looking staff, everybody. I think that's all I got. That's my time right now. Okay, 40 seconds from the Mr. Ziegler, everyone. Funny looking staff. I love that you think we're random staff members just sitting on stage with you. I want to know what he thinks he just walked into. I wish he's just a black dude who was on six. He was like, I like pussy, what's good? Who the fuck are you in, motherfuckers? He's just in his place. This pussy, that pussy, tomboy, fucking pussy? Long as it's a pussy. That's awesome. You are fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, absolutely incredible. In the male division, the best set of the night so far. Thanks. So let's talk about it. The Mr. Ziegler, am I saying that right? Yeah, it's pretty white. Yeah, that's pretty white. Yeah, pretty white. Right. German, white, right. Oh, your name is? Yeah, yeah. Got it. How long you been doing stand up comedy, Mr. Ziegler? About 15. 15 years, where at? Here in Austin, Houston, all over Texas. I've been in New York and that's about it. Nice. You've been doing it for 15 years and you just only did 40 seconds on a show? Yeah, you know, I've been out the same for a second. Okay. I just got back, actually today just got back in. Okay. I have 49 questions right now. Come on, give it up. So you've been doing it 15 years. What made you take a break? Bad baby, mama choices. Okay, let's talk about it. Tell us about that. Don't do it. Okay, can you get a little more in detail? She was a little too young for me. How old was she? It's about nine years younger than me. Okay, I'm glad you said more after the number nine. She was about nine years younger than you. This dude does love pussy. I'm like, geez, ever since the Epstein list came out, being a pedophile is a new fad. Yeah, but no. I was having bad baby mama shit. My dick wasn't fitting in this bitch. Oh, man. Nine-year-old ass, whiny ass, bitch ass, crying baby ass, pussy. Oh, no. This little girl pussy, fucking crazy as shit, man. You should have seen my dick next to this little nine-year-old. Mmm. Ah, your name must be on there. What? On the Epstein files, his name's got to be on there. How this young pussy you talking about? No, I'm kidding. I'm going off of your thing, Mr. Zeagler. I said, time boy pussy, and he talking about young pussy. Well, I mean, yeah. Not well, I mean. Did you happen to see the girl that was on before? The stud? Yeah, I just seen her perform on the girl. You think I didn't see that? Shit. You think I like pussy? Shit. That much? Shit. Shit. I saw that fucking pussy. It ain't nothing like going out playing basketball with a stud and then going back and putting your balls in her. Deep. Oh, my God. Tell him. Oh, you are the man, Mr. Zeagler. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. You found your home. This is where you belong. I appreciate it. So what did this bad baby mama do exactly that made you take a break from stand-up comedy? She went crazy on me. What? How? You guys need better answers. I went deep, balls deep. And you know, my grandfather always told me, don't put the whole thing in. And I did. Oh. I stirred it deep. Wow. Yeah, it's like I fucked up the beehive nest. It was. Can't give them the whole thing. The whole thing. Don't do the whole thing. Got to give them just a little bit, fellas. There you go. Just a little bit. So Red Band, you give them the whole thing. I love it. This is incredible. So can I understand that he's been having sex the whole time he's been away? Uh-huh. You've been having a lot of sex. No, I mean sex all the time. Yeah. No. No? I'm scared. What are you scared of? What scares you, Mr. Zeagler? These new bitches. I want a time, boy, bitch. I want a stud, bitch. You need a real tough woman. That's right. Grab that woman, my goodness. Yeah, exactly. I know where she's going. Don't worry about it. You know her? I mean, this is kind of what she said she's into. I mean, you know. She literally wants a guy. She says she's part of the problem. I'm just going to fix her problem. Oh, my God. Yeah. Someone's getting their Dodge Truck stolen from them tonight. That's what's happening here. I actually have a Dodge Truck, so we got something in common. You got a Dodge too? She has a Dodge, so we're dodging. Oh, my God. I love it. I love the Dodge and Ramham. Holy shit. Mr. Zeagler, how old are you? 47. 47? You don't look a day over 63. That's absolutely amazing. You've had a lot of baby mama bitch problems, dude. You've been putting the whole thing in way too long. Too long. You're stressed out. Like a motherfucker. You look like your own daddy. Man, I didn't have no. As my grandfather, I used to tell myself, don't put my whole digging a bit. Don't do that. Don't do that. It's like, does crack. And white shits. Mr. Zeagler, what have you been doing for work this whole time? How do you make money? I'm a barber. Oh, nice. Yeah. Okay. And I cook too. I have my own business. You what? I cook. Oh, what do you cook? Pussy. Okay. I should've known that. And let me guess, you're a barber just for women's pubes? Nah. No, you don't go in here then? No, I don't. I don't like hair down there. They can fucking deal with that. Nair it off, ladies. Absolutely. Nair. Nair. I'm not that type of barber. Hell yeah. Wow. Incredible. So, do you exclusively only cut black people's hair? I cut it all. Oh, you pointed at Kevin Ryan. I feel like he's taking a shot at my hair. I'm saying, let it go. Let it go. Damn, he's the coolest fucking mean motherfucker I've ever met in my life. I was sitting there like, you know what? I should let it go. This could be the night. I mean, we were all there for that episode of Kill Tony where Mr. Siegler cut Kevin Ryan's hair. I think we do have trimmers back there, don't we? Oh, the crowd goes, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh, the lighting guy wants it to happen. You can change my pew for sure. I ain't going near that motherfucking shit, bitch. Mr. Siegler, give us another fun fact about your life. You seem like you have a wealth of experience at a great many things. Like the craziest sex you've ever had, because I know you be loving that pussy. So I gotta know, was there like a random, crazy night, an unbelievable time that you had, an adventure in which... There was a threesome with my baby mama. The young one, the crazy one. Yeah, nine years younger than you. Yeah, and another one that was nine years younger than me. Oh, same age. Yeah. I left them in the room and they was arguing, so I just... I came back, me I done, no, that's all I left again. When I came back, they was entangled. They was entangled. Yeah, so I like, fuck it. Yep, gotta throw it all the way in there. Break it in. Break it up, ladies. That's right. Okay, let me ask you this. Do you happen to remember what they were arguing about? Me. Do you remember exactly what about you they were arguing about? I went all the way in. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is one of the craziest interviews. You know, you can't get this at the Tonight Show. Never was Jay Leno sitting there going, Yeah, yeah, we're putting down the way in. Never go on the way in with the pussy in this bitch. Deep. You're never gonna see Jimmy Fallon dancing along to... All right. Mr. Ziegler, you only did 40 seconds, so I have no choice but to give you a medium, very black joke book, because that is just the work you did tonight, my friend. I love it. Mr. Ziegler has entered the Kiltzoni universe. Two brand new comedians to start the bucket. Did that guy with the small bladder ever go back to his seat? Oh, there he is. How you doing? You good? There you go. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Riley Galvin, everybody. Riley Galvin. Here we go. Whoever created the phrase, it's not about the size of the dog in the fight. It's about the size of the fight in the dog. Clearly has never gambled on dog fighting. Always bet on the bigger dog. Vitriloquist. Vitriloquist. It sounds like such a fancier job title than what it is. It sounds like they all got together and decided on a vitriloquist, because they were too afraid to tell their parents they wanted to fist cabbage patch dolls professionally. Do you guys think vitriloquists are just necrophiliacs with low self-esteem? Like they want to mess around with lifeless things, but don't have the confidence, you know? Like, is Jeffrey Dom or just Jeff Dunham with stage fright? The basketball fan, I like the Utah Jazz. Utah Jazz is funny, though. It sounds like a bunch of racist Mormons got together for some diversity. No? Like they all got together and were like, we need more black people in the state, what do they like? And the one went, basketball and jazz. That's my time. Thank you. Fuck yes. Riley Galvin, welcome, welcome. Thank you. I love it. Riley, how long do you have before you have to get back to the vape store? I got a shift in 30 minutes. Love it. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? A little under a year. A little over a year. Where at? Knoxville, Tennessee. Knoxville, Tennessee. Very good. Let me ask you a question, because I listened to that set, and I noticed the pronunciation of one of the words I found curious. What do you call a person that has sex with dead people? Necrophiliac. Okay. The C, that third letter is important. What I heard, and I'd be interested to hear a replay, it's a shame we don't have instant replay on this episode. It sounded like a hard G to me. Oh. And if you say necrophiliac with a G, my friend John Dees, that turns into, can you say it? Okay. John's just looking at me. Sometimes he likes to put me on the spot there. I mean, we could say it, because it's not the N word, but it's very close. A little too close. And I would have loved it if you repeated it, and you just said, oh, it's with a C. I didn't know. I thought it was with a G. But instead, here we are. Here we are. But now, that's the sound of hundreds of thousands of people on YouTube rewinding to C. If you said it with a G, and I'll bet you anything, they're replaying it again and again, because I'm pretty sure it was a G. But you're going through a lot. There's a lot of pressure. It's a big show. Huge. Absolutely huge. What do you do for work, Riley? I'm in school full-time. I work at Little Caesars. At Little Caesars? Yeah. Oh, my God, red band, can you believe it? This is a big deal for you. Awesome, man. Thank you. Wow. He's starstruck. How long have you worked at Little Caesars? Like six months. Okay. Can you tell us a little bit about the perks? A lot of free pizza. Fuck yeah. That's exactly what I thought you were going to say. Red band's heart is a rock right now. And he's the only one that didn't try the blue chew. I love it, Riley. So what are you going to school for, and where are you going to school? I go to Tennessee Knoxville, UTK, and journalism major. Okay, what made you pick journalism? A dying art form. Yeah. Well, I was business and hated it, so I wanted to be gay and right, I guess. Yeah. Do you have any big plans? Do you have any big goals with the journalism thing? No, I should probably have some. But... How old are you? I'm 21 years old. 21? Wow. What are the 21-year-olds up to nowadays? What are you guys doing for fun? A lot of ketamine. Wow. And tell the people that might not know that are out there in the audience watching the show, how would you explain ketamine exactly? What goes over in your... What goes... What happens in your brain? You know how horses are pretty crazy? Ketamine calms them down, so it's... I've actually never done ketamine, so... Okay. You're working at Little Caesars. You've done... Yeah. Yeah, you had me convinced. So, what are you as a 21-year-old doing for fun out there? Uh, like going to the movies. Wow. I'm a boring guy, I don't know. You're poor? Boring and poor. Okay. All right, other than the movies... Let's dig deep here. You're going to college, you're out there on campus. There must be something else fun that you do. You have any hobbies or anything like that? You play the ukulele or anything, perhaps? Play a little guitar. You do? Are you just going off of what I said is a funny suggestion? No, no, it wasn't that funny, it's true. I just started, so... You just started guitar. I like stopping at the... There's like little sorority tables along like the main walkway a lot of time, and they pay you to pie them, and that's why I'm poor. Cream pie? No, no, I wish red band, I wish. Yeah. I like that you called them red band. That is the right time to call them red band. We wish red band. What does that mean, pie them? Like you like Venmo like one of the whores, $3 to whip cream and throw it in their face. Oh, okay. Wow. Red band pays people to throw pies at his face, so this is very exciting, all different thing. Guys, what do you think about Riley? The RU garbage guys? I have one question. The hair, is this the look that you wear with the hat all the time, or is the hat just on? No, I asked the guy backstage front or back, and he said back, and I guess he fucked me, I don't know. It's not that, like do you always wear the hair down and wear the hat like that? No, sometimes I do this. The hair's long right now, but I guess usually. The hair is eating your head alive. Can I ask you, would you be interested in a black barber that we know? Oh, yeah. Mr. Ziegler, not only will he cut your hair, but I'm pretty sure he'll fuck the living shit out of you. You are the type of tomboy I believe he's looking for. How the fuck do you expect to get pussy with a haircut like that? Shit. Shit. Let me put it all the way in and show you what's up. I fuck him so hard in his ass, he got a pussy now. He grew a fucking pussy this motherfucker. I made himself generate a pussy. I tell you what, this ain't no little Caesar. Yeah, but they get the double, double bitch, the 12 inch with motherfucker and pepperoni. That was our part we were talking about having sex with you. Just wanted to ask you a question. I'm going to give you the best 40 seconds of your life, you motherfucking white bitch. All right. Seems like a good kid. Seems like a sure kid. Yeah, thank you. Young kid. Yeah, thank you. What made you come to Austin, Texas? I just came down just to hit some open mics just to get on stage. Knoxville, you know, smaller scene. Yeah. A lot more opportunity here just to stage time. Well, you've been doing it one year, you're 21 years old, you're fucking chasing your dreams. Good for you. Most people go their whole lives not doing something like this. And I mean, Mr. Ziegler takes a break every time he gets into an argument with a girl. So congratulations. The set was okay. So here's a medium joke book. You can take that back to Knoxville. Throw it at a college girl's face or something for three bucks. Luga. This podcast is sponsored by Quo. If your team is still operating with a group chat with commitment issues, that's a problem. Nothing kills momentum faster than an opportunity slipping through the cracks because everyone assumed someone else was on it. Eventually you look at the chaos, sigh and think, let's fucking Quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U O, the smarter way to run your business communications. Red Band. Tony Quo is the best business phone system hands down. Quo works wherever you are, right from a nap on your phone or computer and lets you keep your existing number. Add new numbers or teammates in minutes. Sync your CRM and rely on seamless routing and call flows as your business scales. Yeah, your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. 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All right, you guys having fun out there? You get it? Hell yeah. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, now we know this young lady. Former black Hawk helicopter pilot was a man and now is a woman. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Ellis, everybody. Thank you. My name is Joe and because we're in Texas, I'm legally required to tell you all that I am trans. Don't worry, they took my guns at the door. Yeah, you're safe for now. I go by Joe, J-O. I used to go by Joe, J-O-E, but like most things with transition, you just cut off the parts you don't like. Yeah, speaking of guns, I actually do love guns. You know us trannies are always packing something. And it's hard to conceal carry a Glock when you're hiding a cock. Yeah, and I love my guns so much. You know, I really only came out of the closet to make room for more guns. And because I'm on hormones, people ask me, they say, is it safe for you to be around so many guns? And the hormones make me emotional sometimes, like a woman on her period. But not unstable. Like not so unstable I'd shoot up a Catholic school. Oh, a little dark for the mothership. I asked a priest about that joke and he said, finish blowing me first. He didn't say that I'd transition, I'm not a boy anymore. My name's Joe, thank you. Joe Ellis, everybody. The second most masculine female we've had on stage tonight in a stunning turn of events. Absolutely incredible. How you doing? Doing great, how are you? Fantastic. How long you been on stand up now, Joe Ellis? Since June of last year. June of last year. Not even a year yet. I love it. Amazing. There was parts where it felt like a poem that would be, you rhymed Glock and cock. I figured you'd like the cock part. Oh, look at you, very funny. It's always weird when a chick with a dick is trying to make fun of you for being gay. It's incredible. It boggles my mind sometimes. The shots that people take, it's like the half time shot at like an NBA game where they're like, alright, the pizza delivery guy's gonna shoot for $10,000 everybody. Just goes in the stands or whatever. Anyway, alright, Joe Ellis, tell us what's new in life, what's going on? So much, Tony. This show has changed my life. Yeah, tell us more. So Slate did an article about my appearance here last year and it was covered in the UK Observer. I got to open for Ian Lara at Parks Casino, so I did 10 minutes for a national headliner. Nice. So much has happened. The list is endless. It's just so many great things. I just want to thank you for the opportunity. Absolutely. You've given trans comics more opportunities than I think anyone else. That's true. That is true. Be sure to remember that next time I get canceled. I have a special coming out soon and they're gonna be coming after me, so I'm gonna need you on the frontline of defense there. I'll stand in front and protect you, you know? They are going to come after me. You heard it right here. It's happening soon, couple of few months away. Guys, you guys live in New York City. You have people like this all over the streets. Tell us, are you garbage guys? What do you think about this 7'5' trans lady? Yeah, you have a very captivating presence and huge jugs that I can't take my eyes off of. We're being honest. I'm married to a lady and next. I concur with my partner. I'm in. Let's do it. Let's do it. Fucking hot. I've been partying. Last time you've been on here a little bit more luscious, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Red bands. I've been getting a lot more black guys in my DMs too. I think that means I'm gaining weight. Mr. Ziggler's head just exploded in the back. Hey, tomboy. I found my dream tomboy. I'm gonna take this bitch. I'm gonna eat her. What the fuck is that? Motherfucker. Alright, but don't put the whole thing in now. Pretty please. Like I don't play along, but bitch, I'm gonna fall in love with your ass. You put the whole motherfucking... Alright. Well, I have been working out to try to lose some weight because, you know, it's important for trans women to stay fit because you have to keep stealing the trophies. I'm gonna have to rewind that part one. Amazing. So Joe, who have you been hooking up? What is your type of person? Well, I've dated a lot of men in Austin and most recently I started dating a lovely woman here. Okay. Really? Really. So yeah, I'm with you on that reel. Yeah. We almost jinxed on relies there. Yeah. You could call it pansexual. I call it I take anysexual. Right, but what does she call it? Like what happened to her, you think? What type of trauma happened to her where she's like, I need a dick, not a dildo, but I want the delivery of a woman but the thrust of a man. Like what exactly has to molest you for you to bust a nut with you? Maybe it was a trans person. Maybe. Maybe. It's my favorite category of porn though. A trans woman, a fucking irregular woman. It's way better than looking at a guy dick. This is true. You get to see two sets of tits. Exactly. It's true. Bonus tits. She says I'm the best of both worlds though. Amazing. Amazing. I can still open jars. You know, I'm emotionally available. Amazing. Amazing. I think this is going to last all the way until the inevitable murder suicide that takes place. No, I'm kidding. Joe Ellis has the best sense of humor and you know, you've talked about me giving opportunities, but it's amazing. I think you're doing a lot for the trans community by getting roasted, trying to fire back. It's like amazing to see you're a real fucking Texas tranny. I just moved here. Congratulations. I love it. Amazing. Amazing. Joe Ellis everybody. Thank you so much. Fantastic. I gotta tell you, I have gotten word. I don't even know if it's real. There goes Joe Ellis. One more time for Joe. I can't believe the news that I've gotten. I'm really hoping that this is true. This entire show is improvised and obviously all my friends and amazing, the best comedians in the world know that they can always pop in, pop out, goof around, this and that, anytime. And I've gotten a word that one of our friends that has been on a global vacation for what I believe in my head is six months or something like that. Traveling the fucking world is here. He is one of the great comedians in the show's history, one of the great disruptors, one of the real troublemakers. Ladies and gentlemen, if it's real and I hope it is, I hope it's not a prank, make some fucking noise for Ari Schaffir everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for Ari Schaffir. See, but they're in tune. Wow, it's that thing, it's the microphone. I know it's been a while. I haven't seen this many people since Uruguay. Hey, how is everybody doing? This is very odd for me. Thanks, I haven't been around stand up or anything for about eight months. A little bit nervous, I was traveling through Latin America, I guess I'll tell you an observation. I had in Latin America, I learned a lot. The hardest thing about fucking a street dog. Is gaining its trust. Because sure, anyone could fuck a street dog. But how many people can get it to come back again tomorrow? I went through a lot of South America, you guys, a lot of those countries fucking hate us, I'll be honest with you. And it was difficult to break the news to them that most of us don't know where they are on a map. Legitimately I was in Uruguay and people were like, tell the Americans we don't want them here. And no one knows that you guys are not part of Scandinavia, to be honest. I went all over that land, I skipped out of respect for Tony, Puerto Rico. But I have a role to play. Thank you guys, very good to be back everybody. Arie fucking Shafir is back in America. What a fucking amazing surprise this is. Holy shit. You're all the last people I saw before I left. Yeah, this is fucking awesome, welcome back. Thanks. I love that you didn't warn any of us, I love that you didn't tell us, you're always full of fucking surprises. Your dick is in your pants, this is incredible. You're a changed man. No, actually I was watching with that before I tried to tuck it but it wouldn't stay. I was a come out with a tuck too, just wouldn't stay and I apologize. You do a podcast all about traveling and going around the world. And so I mean where did you go? Can you name some of the places? Yeah, I mean started in Mexico, one south, El Salvador, Guatemala. Were you like driving? Did you rent a car? Buses, like you know, hanging out with poor people. I'll tell you one thing I observed that's different now that I noticed that I'm back in Austin. At least the homeless people in this country have the decency to be ashamed about it. These guys are lounging. Yeah. I saw a dude out there asleep on his stomach. What a leisurely way to be a problem for the world. I mean I guess it's good for your back but there is no give on the concrete. It is incredible. There is a part of Sixth Street where if you're walking from this side of Sixth Street west, there's a part where there's a ventilation system that kicks up hot air and multiple people lie down next to each other on this one spot. It's very, very inch on top of a grate. And there's people just flying by on bird scooters and shit, like almost hitting a drunk. It's incredible to see. You gotta try to jump them on those birds. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's big points. That's Austin the video game. You get big points by jumping on those people on a bird scooter. Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub. Multiple. Amazing. So that's incredible and fucking now you're back. What made you come back now? I missed you Tony. Yeah. We were really afraid. No, what made you come back is I have a new storytelling show that's coming out. Maybe you were familiar with my old one. Yes. You can't legally say the name but you can. Right. This is not happening. I'm not familiar with it. Yeah. Anyways, coming back and guess who's on it? Skip, skip. Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm on it. It is true. He's on an episode with Big J. Okrason, Alisa Deek and Steph Tola have called four stories about trying to come. And it's available right now. Where is it available at? YMHstudios.com. I love it. Direct to the people. Fuck YouTube. Fuck Netflix. Ok. I mean, we like YouTube and Netflix. I apologize. Not for this show. Sorry, sorry. Just a reminder, we like YouTube and Netflix. We're going to bleep that. Fuck HBO. Fuck Showtime. Fuck Showtime. The movie channel. Yeah. Well this is so exciting. You going to hang out? Yeah, I heard there's free drinks. I'll fucking hang out there's free drinks. There are free drinks for you. There's a toilet upstairs. I can flush toilet paper in and brush my teeth with sink water. I'm fucking in. I love it. Let's fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Let's fucking party. No, don't do this. Make some noise for the great Ari Schaefer ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. What an unbelievable treat. One of the best comedians in the world. His specials are on Netflix. Let's have some drinks. Yeah. Let's get another chair up here. And the great Ari Schaefer is going to join us for the night. Fuck yeah. Oh yeah. Let's do the squeeze baby. baby come on slide down perfect keep sliding keep slide do not make a tight squeeze in don't give me that fucking shit I lost 70 pounds that you been gone you fucking scumbag not to mention he pulls this skip skip shit this motherfucker called me two days ago begging me to find him a place to live the lovely Heidi I'll tell you now that I'm close to it I know there's a homeless guy sleeping on his belly but I'm thinking about sleeping on this belly tonight look at this fucking Tempur-pedic right here 8-Sleep you have a lot of balls Shaffer I love your back I love it one more time for Ari Shaffir ladies and gentlemen joining the party only here on Kill Tony can something so spontaneous and fun happen on a random Monday we're gonna watch a bucket pool ladies and gentlemen his name is Chad Smith 60 seconds uninterrupted for Chad Smith next one's for Chad everybody what's going on here guys I'm Chad I am from Oshkosh Wisconsin I am here on my birthday if you guys don't know where Oshkosh is that's where Chicago sends all their prisoners that's right thing about turning 40 is more trips to the bathroom and seeing that doctor visiting that bat cave every year right some of the guys know about that right here's some fun facts about me right I didn't learn the birds and the bees growing up my uncle gave me a playboy and I learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby that one takes a little bit to sink in speaking of Bill did he still do stand-up in prison or was he the chocolate pudding that's right fun fact about me is I work insurance there we go Chad Smith welcome Chad's your first time on the show first time on the show awesome when you say that one takes a little bit to sink in when exactly can we expect that to happen is there a week or a month coming up where two or three business days yeah we're just gonna be out there living our lives and all of a sudden it was like oh it was putting because he was putting it was putting okay Chad how long have you been doing stand-up I do and stand-up this is two and a half years two and a half years all of it in Oshkosh mixture between bark entertainment which is skyline company cafe and then bark enter what what so all the way across the Wisconsin so everywhere from walkie up until greenback got it got it I hate this guy he has off-duty cop vibe for sure I don't know why I just don't like let me see your license is prick Oshkosh there's nothing much up there it just it's planes bunch of the accent when you're from the Midwest you get a mix Minnesota so I do say about a lot and then in the airport you guys laugh at me because I say bag instead of bag some reason I doubt that I don't think anyone's ever laughed at you he's too carefully I don't like this guy he's up to something it takes a little bit to sink in don't count him out yet he may be the funniest person in the show's history we just don't know because it's on a delayed release I'm gonna get home that I'm like we all just died tonight he killed I feel like we're all high in a car he just pulled us over were you aboard yeah he's got you guys been drinking a night wait you get tough guys no Pat down for me whoo well let's say that joke again yeah do it one more time the one that takes a while to sink it all right so it's it's spelt out this way so I never learned the birds and the bees my uncle gave me a playboy and I learned how to come backwards from Bill Cosby learned how to count back I don't get it does everybody get it your uncle your uncle drugged you and raped you right what is that the joke no it takes it takes a little bit Bill always come backwards when he gave the date rape drug I know but so did he rape you you're saying Bill Cosby raped you no oh no did no birds and bees gave me a playboy who did your uncle gave you the playboy and separately from that separate Bill Cosby talked to the counter yes but it still seems like Cosby's raping you in this joke no no wait so you weren't raped by your uncle no Bill Cosby have you ever even met Bill Cosby dude no I was ever seen a playboy yeah well how did Bill Cosby teach you how to count backwards then well when you're almost 40 years old you see them on TV every week girl no does he count backwards on TV yeah was there an episode like that it doesn't make sense but you say it so confidently I don't like this fucking guy and he's fucking up to something Ari walks in at the same time there's something fucking going on here I don't know if you're with this dude or what man Ari brought his travel agent with Ari's big bit he's like dude just go out and be the most unfunny dude in the aura it's gonna kill now who wants to take it to Paraguay show me up to take it to Paraguay I've got can I give this guy a compliment yes no me I'll happen he was like and then I also all right I'm done yeah yeah luckily that's how I felt when I heard the meow to I don't want him to finish the bit if I'm being honest yeah go ahead do that bit that got cut off this might be he may have saved all of his power for the closing this might this might this might redeem you this guy's coming in with a bedazzled shirt he's very excited this guy literally this is a fresh on his shirt wash gosh yeah this is a fresh bit and I'm not gonna say who I work for but let's say I do insurance during the week and the joke was I called the client up during the day and she said I was too early she still had her CPAP machine on as a CPAP wearer I'm offended guessing that one's gonna take a little bit to it's a fresh one that's a while it's a while it's a fresh one you didn't even getting it's a fresh one it's a while I'm kind of wanting to get right by Gabriel Cosby now yeah so when you say that you learned how to count backwards from Bill are you saying that like it's just made up it's just a joke there's no episode there's nothing right it's part of the birds and the bees it's part of the birds of bees all right so when we write jokes at our club we want to make sure it relates to people like my age who's we and why are you explaining joke writing to us yeah who's the who's the we jerk off when we're writing jokes that you guys clearly don't know what the fuck you're talking about let me explain it to you because I'm an insurance sales well yeah hey well zip it well we're he's on a different level than us to this Wisconsin you know there's these Austin New York LA arguments but we are missing the boat here little did we know that the real thunder enlightening is the delayed release that's been that has been conjured up in Oshkosh Wisconsin it is incredible to Park Club what's it called again bark entertainment bark entertainment bark entertainment Skyline comedy club there we go oh hell like comedy club bark entertainment hell yeah okay well Chad can you give us one interesting fun fact about your life before I get you out of here all right cool so I turn 40 on Wednesday okay we know about that you mentioned that the first thing that you actually mentioned was that it was your birthday and now we're finding out that you lied and that it was actually five days ago which is I mean two more days oh you turn it on Wednesday this one wow okay well all right so it's something you guys do not know I'm an ultra runner so I run 50k is an above oh I really hate him yeah go fuck yourself he's on a roll over there bring back the little Caesar's guy let's get some peace and get some pussy up here dickhead dickhead Chad you did your best man you did the best best Oshkosh set we're waiting for the release we're waiting for it to sink in thank you so much there goes Chad Smith everybody you know on an episode in which my goodness I mean Heidi is just a machine keeping everyone hydrated unbelievable there she goes perfect all right on an episode in which we've been graced with the return of oh my god ladies and gentlemen it's Johnny football Johnny Manzell man what a what a pleasure this has been a long time coming I don't know about you guys but I like the guy from Oshkosh you've taught me a lot when I've been in Austin about you know friendship mean you have a good relationship I run into the boys every show I come to have good vibes I'm sitting up here tonight watching for probably the 20 30th time you forget about some of your boys you know you've taught me about loyalty all this and I got a guy that I go eat crawfish with yesterday with you like we do on occasion smoke a couple of sakes hang out you know meet the boys how do you leave Pauly motherfucking sure oh my god let's mix it up a little bit Johnny Manzell is bringing out Pauly sure ladies and gentlemen no I didn't want to do it dude this time just wanted to fucking watch the show dude I don't want you to bring me into this shit sometimes duty calls my friend duty calls jury duty calls make some noise for the legend Pauly sure everybody like the Royal Rumble kill Tony episode it's just I've been I've been texting you I haven't been on here since about three months ago with Roseanne yeah I'm texting Ari welcome back nice to see you my friend look I am good young tough good young to you the Israel the Israelis are bombing Iran I'm sure you're happy about that fucking cock sucker he's I'm surprised he didn't go hava knocky luck up so it if Israel really wanted to bomb Iran they would shoot a Chad Smith at them right now this oh my I'm turning 40 in a few days I don't know how I got here so did you change your number no because why aren't you fucking texting me back no but for real you're worse than fucking Bobby Lee dude how you thought he must have changed his number but no it's not cool how long have I how long have I known Tony for for a long time and yeah a long time give it up for Tony's beautiful man and I just I don't know what happened dude you know what I mean why do why do I sit back during New Year's Eve and you tell him I fucking I might just fucking I might jump on this motherfucker dude you fucking tell him when you move to Austin and you get this cool and your network expands he starts getting a big head go to Netflix we're selling out Madison Square Garden we're doing all that it gets to your head it's like who do I prioritize the most what does he put on the fucking new year at the bottom of the total poll right now my friends what it's looking like I think you need to stand up for yourself well you say it cuz you said it and that what's it made me fucking come down Tony give him more shit Chinese listen to me you had fucking carrot top and Rob Schneider as the bucket pulls as your fucking golden ticket they were the co-guests of the year yeah they were the both the guest but they weren't in fucking bio don't bro they weren't in a fucking goofy movie they were leaning to our motherfucking cheese top no one gives a fuck about those guys stop fucking kissing their ass back back back back Pauly fucking shore ladies and gentlemen molesting H Foley of the are you garbage podcast was it you incredible he's low Pauly take it easy on him take it easy that's just for men confident in my insular too now no red band had a good I just dyed my hair brown it used to be dude I'm lucky I'm alive let's give me a fucking break okay at least I'm not Mickey Rourke what the fuck I could pay my rent okay asshole so I dyed it because you know it was getting like this you should do it till get you just for men at Walgreens bro you can be the hook up at Walgreens I get you hook up at Walgreens if you want but it'll grow back out great it'll be good again then we can go again anyways I'm just kidding it's cool you can have those guys on but I'd like to be on your next Netflix show so I can do Richard Simmons movie please well I mean we are doing a we are doing a kill Tony WrestleMania crossover episode for Netflix in Las Vegas it airs on April 20th for 20 you want to do a spot there if you want if you will have me that'll be fantastic can my friend Johnny come yeah Johnny can come Johnny Johnny Johnny I fucking love it I don't know what that third ingredient in the blue chew gold is but it's bumping right now because I'm pretty sure Johnny football and Paulie short just walked out on my show this is fucking incredible I'm tripping my balls off no I love Kara top I love Rob we're just having fun we're have a good time you know fuck it right absolutely we're having a good time that's what I do dude I dust off the old dusties Chinese Chinese I like the garbage guys these guys are awesome too hell yeah thank you so much thank you thank you yeah I don't know if I call them that they're not Puerto Rican it's the are you garbage guys are you garbage guys thank you homes how about a hand for the great Paulie shore and the great Johnny man I had no idea they were coming out tonight how exciting is this oh man I'm gonna get blackout drunk tonight anytime Manzels around we fucking two shots of tequila and rolled dice all night oh he's the best the funniest thing was watching the 23-year-old girl when you said Johnny football and she's like I don't know I don't know and then I didn't think that look of baffling could get topped but then when you brought out a 98-year-old Paulie shore it's just like fucking kill Tony Madlin what the fuck is going on right dude if he kept fucking with fully I thought I was gonna beat up Paulie sure I love fucking bio though I love it the 23-year-old is like is that Matt Rife's grandfather is that the last remaining golden girl oh my god it's just still getting dude we traveled down the road and back again right cuz where the golden girls bro what's up with you give in carrot top a chance and not me will spoil baby little spoiled baby is can I be on the Netflix episode dude if I could if I could rewind 19 years and show you me arriving to the comedy store and the feeling that you feel the first time Paulie fucking shore like walks out of the door or something and you're like oh shit and now 19 years of grinding grueling seven days a week dream nightmare passion of your career and here's Paulie going dude when you're gonna give me a shot bro can you hook it up did the fuck buddy those me pals man literally never let me open for him on the road I was starving starving my first use of literally sleeping in my car behind the comedy stories like dude wake up time to get up bro you can't be sleeping too late I'm like Paulie it's 8 a.m. please I went to bed at 5 let me sleep I love how we of all you've had a hundred people on the show he only called out Rob Schneider and carrot top it's true that's who he thinks are the least talented ones you've had yeah yeah he's like I'm better than those dipshit yeah I love it it's gonna it's like it's like going up to Tarantino and being like dude why'd you go with Travolta and Pulp Fiction dude he was he was just dancing at the time dude you need a real star I was in Biodome's and glorious bastards babe huh who's this Chris Waltz guy what's the deal brah we have nothing but momentum it's insanity before we get to another golden ticket winner let's knock out one more bucket pull here ladies and gentlemen this looks like a new name make some noise for Trinity Altamire everybody Trinity Altamire hello yes okay my name is Trinity I was named after the movie The Matrix have we seen it yeah yeah yeah in that movie Trinity kind of serves as Neo salvation she's like a foil to God and I'm just sick and tired of being seen as men's salvation so like last year I was proposed to three times and I just I am from Texas so I want to know what it is about me that says come and take it because I'm gonna show you fucking come and take it all right oh man I just it's I I canceled a date for this I'll have you know I'll have you know and I went down by the dock since now I got some seawater on me and I smell like fish what the fuck is new I don't know all right well I'm curious as to what the time is and I'm nervous and so I want to say my name again and end it here as you know I used to introduce myself as the father the son in the holy and you can guess why self-care looks like a lot of different things and I was confronted with an erect penis I don't know what to do with it so I grabbed a hold of it and I went from from from pressing on his foot like a clutch okay my dad taught me how to try to stick okay Trinity Trinity Trinity let's slow it down here we're done we're done hi Trinity how are you how are you I'm good I'm stupendous okay how long you've been on stand up since the end of July so like half a year okay all right and you you're from Texas you live here I moved to Austin in January but I'm from the 956 I know I sound like I'm from a different valley let the people know where exactly what the 956 is do you know where like McCallan-Edenberg Brownsville Brownsville works okay okay all right what are you on Trinity what's going on you on some medicine I'm unmedicated currently yeah what can you rattle it off for us I'm supposed to be on Lexapro in Viva Ants uh-huh you're supposed to be what are you on not that okay what are you on just nothing nothing at the moment when you say you're supposed to be on Lexapro and Viva I know I play kill Tony roulette so this really is a special night I didn't do anything and I got picked I know so all right the madness really making a spectacle of him leaving right now I've never seen you face forward that's long we know we don't like her that much either D it's okay D's Matt cuz he got fooled by the last chick she ain't get me again it is true this is what a feminine female comedian is like everybody for those of you that were waiting yeah again you just we just confused two of the dumb bitches in the room they're like represent she's bombing and sucking through the interview so anyway Trinity so what made you want to start stand up six months ago I was rested for weed okay you were just regular old weed regular old THCA I got arrested got a misdemeanor in a felony and so I said fuck it what else am I gonna hold on hold on hold on it was a felony amount of weed that you had yeah it was just a THCA pen everybody in the crowd fucking has one okay shut up nark okay it's legal in Austin you're safe you're safe fucking cotton but in the 956 it's a felony to have a weed pen I was in East Texas when they got me true yeah I go to my grocery store and I have a joint in my car it's right outside of Travis County I would get a felony for that how did you know what County it was whoa red band I'm confused that's fine did you really get proposed to three times this year last year last year how did that happen was it the same guy which wouldn't take no for an answer three times it maybe didn't hear what I just said will you okay hold on I'll go down to one knee I'll try once more you have nothing and I have a job will you fucking marry me did he ask you three different times or did your three personalities just hear the same question at once it was three different guys all in 2025 one was the end of a relationship in 22 for moving into 25 then a fling then some random and now I'm a comic you are huh Trinity Altamire very interesting what do you do when you're not doing stand-up what do you do for work how do you make money I oversee political organizing in like three different key states what we had to what what what party who has you working for them I gotta know is this why the Democrats are winning Texas elections what's happening what are you doing out there exactly who are you overseeing for right now we're working on affordable housing and like well looks like that's never gonna happen everybody time to get to work and start saving up for a house sorry okay what else I can't wait to hear your platform other than affordable housing what else are you working on what are your goals politically honestly it's a it's a nonpartisan nonprofit so we'll support anybody will register anybody to vote we don't give a shit what you think what you do we just want to get people like support and you know shit dude people just a plotting chaos that sounds good actually they'll support anybody I fucking love supporting anybody I'm completely retarded that's support anybody for any office it's not like it's not like politicians it's like policies so we'll go in between you know like Ted Cruz and a different Democrat will have like different policies on fucking legalized sex work and little did you know Ted Cruz is like let's legalize sex work but it's to arrest more pimp yeah to arrest little did you know little did I know welcome to another episode of little did I know I've learned a lot here with Trinity thank you that's also that's a very funny phrase in comedy do you know we gotta bring that back nothing no lab has ever derived from little do you know what would you say Ari gotta bring that back and stand up folks please or ladies and gentlemen little did you know what a good little did you know today's my birthday actually Wednesday literally do you know that takes a little bit for that one to sink in hey you know in Latin America there's a lot of street dogs little did you know you can fuck up how are you working on Trinity landed on it like a pro like Alexa pro well wow all right Trinity I'm gonna throw this little joke book right in front of you so you can catch it there you go you can keep it if you want it if you had your viva and so you would have caught that thing and you're so correct what caught that you're correct you got it did you guys find that little joke book gone Tony this guy with the shady haircut pocketed already give her another one here's another one here you go give her another there you go my god ladies and gentlemen there she goes Trinity Altamire ladies and gentlemen Trinity all right now we get to go to this okay all right Heidi working overtime tonight we got a well hydrated panel tonight Heidi's the best make sure you follow her Heidi Regina no doubt about it we have a golden ticket winner everybody who this is his first time cashing in he blew our fucking minds a veteran of comedy from the country of Turkey doing a brand new minute his first time cashing in his golden ticket make some noise for or who didn't Timor everybody or who Timor it's been really nerve-wracking back there cuz I'm watching the people go before it's like open Michael legend open Michael legend I'm like I can I please be after I I'm gonna buy Trinity all the alcohol or medication she needs after this I was like oh actually I know her too I'm like oh please suck I don't give up fuck about your career please anyway but now comedy so I'm 33 I've never gotten close to marriage I can't look at you when I say this I have to look at the man I've never gotten close to marriage you guys can act a little surprised by the way I bought a new fucking shirt for this fucking act surprise alright but the reason is cuz I'm a struggling comic and I really don't want to settle for someone who would settle for me you know I anybody who looks at me and says yeah I'll waste my best egg years on him I'm like I don't want someone with bad judgment raising my children you know anyway thank you guys or who Timor very funny joke your terti tree turkey tree terti tree turkey tree yeah 33 there you go hell yeah I'm actually from Connecticut I just do this to be more authentic you know amazing Ari this is exciting for you to be next to the guy that we replaced you with when we thought you weren't coming back it was a while it was a long time you weren't responding to text out there the text were turning green I'm like I need a I love you by the way if you want I can touch your head and you can go to my country turkey and they'll plug your hair if they see my body I am 100% thinking about that also what is going on in the set of taken for what are you gonna in an ounce you set of taking for it's over it doesn't matter or who Timor where did you get that new shirt from exactly I got it from can I am I allowed to plug places I just asked you a question you're allowed to say whatever you want okay leopards lounge it's a vintage place okay someone I can buy new clothes too I just like vintage okay you're looking at me like I know I like it when somebody already sweated in it and it whatever it's very Turkish of you yes yeah the joke is fantastic tell us more about how life has changed since winning a golden ticket what's going on life in Texas for or who Timor well in Texas it's amazing first of all I've been getting a lot of opportunities in general because I'm Turkish you know it's not always happy like 90% of my country is very like yeah flags all that 10% of my country think I'm a traitor and four people think I work for Israel well yeah that's gonna happen a lot anytime anybody does good or bad at anything if you know I'm fucked if you make it if you fuck me get a screenshot of that send it back to Istanbul it's just a thing now the world is on to the Israelis because of the internet so if anybody does anything really please part up thank you anybody does anything really great like making it in show business they assume you're working with the Israelis and if you assassinate anybody or do anything really bad they assume you're with the Israelis well that being said if you look at my tax returns of last year like I think they're short changing me a little bit over there well they are known for that yeah short changing with the Israelis that's the first thing they do what do you think is the most Jewish thing about you if you had to get a good question to oh wow I am thinking of the answer that will get me in least trouble no don't worry about trouble you're okay you're next to Ari Shafir he's basically he's their supreme leader I touch you we got each other okay cool I think I like I like I like woman who are mean I think that's the most Jewish thing about me is that a Jewish thing Ari women that are mean well the last bitch was just flame me for no reason at the end fucking whore go down yourself what are the Turks known for what are some of their stereotypes oh man again it's okay you can't look at every answer like you're scared to death of someone assassinating you I'm acting like I'm doing that I'm actually thinking of the funniest thing is I don't give a fuck I'll say whatever I'm in America now that's right that's right you have your green card you got your green card huh you got your green card I have my citizenship I'm good hell yeah what happened with Ari Maddie why can't he do this Ari decided to go through his own weird lawyer that he found online and so it's taking a long time you know the president I know he refuses help from everybody and anybody literally we're friends with you have any connections with the government yeah I know the one in charge it's the most bizarre thing we're friends with the entire administration and literally he has to give them his case number and Ari refuses based on his own weird Estonian principle I swear to God this is true for us to help him but what's exciting is that much like you coming out and surprising us his plan is to surprise us with the citizenship that hopefully fucking happens because if it doesn't happen soon they're literally going to ship him back to Estonia he's gonna be one of the most famous deported people ever you're gonna not just name it so with a Baba Krab was gonna come out and say he's not coming back in but I gotta say most people in Turkey have been supportive like I gotta say that 90% is very supportive yeah I guess I'm very supportive yeah I I got my first comedy nudes also comedy nudes cuz I got personal nudes but now comedy nudes or new dick pics with some dick pics some dick pics too but I didn't press them I didn't press them how do you know they were dick pics if you didn't press them it's because I saw skin color and black hair eating and I I said I reckon this is a dick I reckon so I'm gonna go back to stereotypes of Turkish people what are they known for over there we're known for eating everything except pork but every part of a cow large intestine testicles well actually my father liked testicles a lot with eggs but really yeah just my father huh not two eggs yeah no basically not some eggs we call them life eggs does it give you energy or something what is the actually has absolutely no nutritional value it's a psychological thing you eating the cows balls and you're like I bet now it's a bowl power I'm almost positive have you eaten balls yeah but not from a cow well come visit you your legend or they'll make you any eggs you want I know a stereotype of Turkey yeah I mean I don't listen I lived in LA for a long time so it's a separate reason you but I hate Armenians is this trail moving on you're afraid to tackle this subject to you do you have a dislike for Armenians oh no I love armies I love everybody in our region I grew up in the Armenia town of Turkey or who's been famous for three weeks and he's the most afraid of getting canceled out of anybody this is the wackiest shit but what I love everybody in fact I participate in political party with Trinity Altamira we do nonprofit with the nonprofit we do many policy see the thing is when I like after I lived in America for a while you realize like the Armenians and Turkish people are like the same you know all the things I don't all the things I don't don't like about them is exactly what I don't like about my people that's exactly how us pure Americans feel about both of you exactly perfect it's amazing what about the Greeks a lot of Turks don't like the Greeks the Greeks we took their land and we're not gonna fucking give it back we got a fair conquest by conquest I just realized I'm touring over there you guys are ruining me dude amazing or who and what do you think is the most American thing about you other than the fact that you're wearing the trans flag as a shirt right I just realized that's actually a hundred percent true I forgot I forgot that that existed I accidentally click on picture is sent to me a trans flag I said I want that in shirt most American thing about me I guess I came to this land and I had no connection here and I said this is mine I think that's the most let's go I love that or whoon see more ladies and gentlemen with his first spot and interview since becoming a Golden Tick a winner it can happen to anybody it can happen at any point anytime my god there are some diehard Heidi fans in the room they're going ballistic for Heidi tonight is everybody on blue chew tonight all right your next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Nate Hong Kong everyone Nate Hong Kong there's Nate everybody hello all I am Nate Hong Kong well I was born and raised in Hong Kong but I got a big dick so you can just call me caucasian there we go I know I have lots of Chinese friends as a result or just the one I can't tell yeah I actually I failed my driver's license in Hong Kong you know how fucking bad you have to be at driving for a Chinese guy sitting next to you shit scared to be like why don't I can't walk in good conscience you are a low hazard now I actually failed because I didn't hit enough of the traffic cones what are you doing you didn't call that family of four all right that's me Nate Hong Kong wild show this is I like it Nate how long you've been when stand up since I was like well I did my first set I think when I was like 18 I'm 29 now in Hong Kong you started in Hong Kong yeah at it I did my first set at takeout yeah long time ago yeah amazing yeah you lived over there for how long yeah I was born and raised there and then I spent like a little bit of time in Singapore and then back to Hong Kong and I was there till 2019 and then the Hong Kong protests went from like 2013 and 2019 and that I was like a part of those and then how'd you guys do on that the same as every protesting group of all time yeah all time never a victory for the people out on the streets whining about anything yeah turns out you need power it's true yeah we did very poorly you know you know garen chou and Tambi Chan no I kind of left Tommy Wong yeah chong Tommy Wong I got this in one ear that any other so when did you come to American Nate like seven weeks ago seven weeks I saw my lease on 6th Street yesterday so yeah first time ever in the United States you went straight from Hong Kong to Austin Texas no I got stuck in during the COVID lockdown in Australia and then and that made me want to blow my fucking brains out to you yeah that was brutal that was like two years and maybe if you were a hot bitches I must suck yeah four years ago man yeah yeah I kind of just ended for me recently yeah unfortunately you ever think that you may have been the one that spread that around I was that yes the answer is yes I because I what yeah they I told everybody when I moved them like I've just come from Hong Kong and they were like right yeah it was funny yeah so you've been in Australia for four years yeah yeah more or less and then back to HK for a minute and then back to us HK I love it we go there so you know how to speak Chinese fluently I'm guessing I speak like conversational Cantonese I'm not very good the first language on Hong Kong is English so can you give us an example of a sentence like I can say yeah I'll say gong gong I'm a little nervous I guess we all speak Cantonese can you can you enunciate that a little bit yeah I see gong gong don't want yeah my mouth is very what does that mean this I speak Cantonese what I speak Cantonese oh you should I'm not even sure he speaks English after this I don't trust this fucker either he looks like he's from Dublin he's like I'm from Hong Kong no it's a good point I wouldn't trust me either I think my mom was a spy I'm almost certain that my mom was an American spy what make drank for sure yeah what makes you while she was pregnant what makes you think your mom was a spy I was digging through like personal belongings one time I found a picture her and then it said spy oh yeah your mom's definitely a spy yeah that's incredible I don't think you should have brought that up on one of the biggest shows in the world true yeah sorry mom love you you've blown her cover should have consolation when she's got her fingernails pulled out later this week he's on kill Tony also what a horrible spy who takes a picture of themselves them right I must find that's fucking crazy dude no spies like what am I let me just write it down so I don't forget I don't think they pull out your fingernails in China they might paint them and buff them out for that's what is your mom what do your parents do for work in China that they made you they made move there yeah my mom was in the foreign service and and then she got stationed in the unofficial State Department Taiwan and your dad hides lucky charms really funny yeah the answers yes do you know Robin Hood yourself yeah yeah what have you been doing for work your whole life I worked in hospitality and and then I did some work for a film production company based in Sydney okay you saved up money and moved Austin yeah I lived with my parents for a year to save up money to move to Austin Texas yeah seven weeks ago yeah and what's your plan now that you're in Austin how you gonna make money here yeah I I mean I have an extensive hospitality background and so you're looking for work yeah yeah looking for work yeah yeah when you say hospitality background what exactly do you mean bar yeah bar okay do you really mean hospitality the seven a socket socket on a six yeah actually it's funny like like in Cantonese you call people Lobato like Japanese people Lobato which is like turnip head that's like a good face very niche slur wow very niche very niche my favorite slur of all time comes from Hong Kong what's that mainlander true hell yeah hell yeah it's all the other Chinese oh it's all Chinese except for Hong Kong and Taiwan all right all right we have we have Jews in China too yeah do you know they just can't get circumcised cuz there'd be nothing left oh Chinese Jewish small penis super remix yeah that's actually such a yeah that's dirty lie though that's a dirty lie they're Chinese guys they they they have big dicks I've seen is that true yeah I like I grew up going to gym class and stuff like it's not it's not like they yeah they catch a lot of shit but it's not all true I think we just found out that you have an extremely small penis pretty sure you just accidentally he's like my mom's a spy and I got a little dick thank you that's my time yeah but at least it doesn't take a little bit for that to sink in at least we know exactly what you're talking about right four inches is big the legendary Hong Kong for yeah yeah yeah this guy's oh man Dingo it's good to the biggest little replica on the D-Cat that's so funny that's so funny oh my god yeah all right Nate well I like your style man welcome to Austin Texas here's a big joke book coming at you bing bong there you go bing bong is his travel agents name everybody back in Hong Kong little fun facts for you bing bong bing bong all right your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Rockout Millie that's an interesting name let's all meet Rockout Millie together I go by Rockout Millie the first question I get usually is and what race am I and I like to represent for half black half German not saying not a lot of us out here but we all here I think it's kind of funny how a retarded guys NBA players both say currency the same way money yeah I was playing on stripping my back I was playing on stripping when I got out here so I'm a strip you've got me we fuck with Whitney Houston Austin we fucking with Whitney Houston I got caught in the rain before I came here this ain't the first time this bitch got it's not the first time okay Rockout Millie with his kill Tony debut Ari Shafir before we go on I don't it's a long time ago Whitney Houston was a pop star and she died in the bathtub second of all who's asking you what race you are even D madness knows the answer to that mother fucker black as night he looked like what I've been seeing am I wrong or do you have a little German in you holy shit look at this guy are you really half German really my mom German she's completely German up sir wow I don't know my dad so I assume he's black I can't even imagine how black he must be the dominant genes of your black father I mean absolutely incredible Rockout Millie what am I you look Jewish yeah you got it he said you look Jewish that's a German in you that's a German in him by the way let me remind you all let me remind you German in them hates me and the black in him it respects me not tipping I never tip fuck no do your job bitch it checks out yep your day fight I'll mention it again your dad has dominant genes what's amazing is your half German and meanwhile we had a black guy on earlier named the mr. Ziegler and he wasn't half German his last name Ziegler your what's up with the black German thing do you have an answer for that plug no where are you people coming from said he doesn't know his dad wow you might be mr. Ziegler son have you ever put your dick fully inside a lady or only a little bit and make him go crazy so what if you ever do you put your whole time what the fuck's going on I just fucking answered this guy like I'm on his show it's incredible this is an amazing here you're born in Germany fuck no I was born in New Jersey oh shit that is not Jersey wow alright he's turning on the crowd ladies and gentlemen he angry making a heel turn here oh he wants more of the booze it's okay I love a heel we're gonna keep oh he got that painted outside of the alleyway yeah without a doubt the guy for poop guy was sleeping on his belly woke up and painted on his jacket this is absolutely amazing rock out Millie up here with the one very cotton glove that is is that just oh my god ladies and gentlemen who's you're wrong to Michael Jackson glove with the Whitney Houston shirt we are all hoping he dies soon this is incredible amazing rock out Millie how old are you I'm 24 24 what do you do for work Millie I'm unemployed I got an interview tomorrow though where amazing feeling you're not gonna get it well where where's this interview at whole foods oh yeah yeah what do you want to do with whole foods this is the seafood department okay well you already smell like that so kidding Millie what's your living situation you move here full-time I came here on New Year's okay you have your own apartment homeless at their own seven street okay so you're homeless yeah you're doing great for homeless that's amazing most homeless people don't have two gloves the only bad news is they're both for your right hand so that left hand frostbite old frostbite Millie over here so oh my goodness wow oh my god we had uncle laser we've never had cousin laser before this is incredible wow this guy's brother laser yeah amazing a man of many slight talents well he's pulling something else out Millie so how long have you been homeless for since New Year's I came here New Year's Day and I sat outside the comedy mothership that whole day okay that's a weird I got to a shelter on the 12 okay so 12 days 12 days homeless 12 days on the streets the shelter after that what were you doing in New Jersey before you moved here I went to New York when I was 13 but I was born in Jersey and I was a grocery store manager okay you managed a grocery store in New York City not I managed a department what department deli department ooh now you're looking to make the jump in your seafood at Whole Foods it's a big leap big jump you didn't have a seafood department but you dreamed hell yeah Millie what else about you what do you do for fun yeah I like the draw I got this little cartoon I'm working on called dope cone it's gonna be out soon call what dope cone spell that dope CO and E dope cone dope cone what's that about what's the theme of dope cone two starters and it's a comedic cartoon and it's um it got some deeper meaning into it but it's really just funny where can people find it at check my Instagram out at Rock Out Millie okay Rock Out Millie M I L L Y everybody there he goes Rock Out Millie here's a we I'm gonna give I'm just gonna give it to you because you look like you need it or you could resell it or something real quick what what you think he's good at harmonica he's gonna do it it looks clean hurry don't do it man are you gonna turn German oh my god ladies and gentlemen you know it a man a fearless fearless legend oh he's got bed bugs ain't no party like a bed bug party I really hope he gets that job I do too yeah that's actually a great point is Millie already gone Millie already gone they great let's see if he's right there real quick send him back out real quick because that's a great question I just wanted to tell him to make sure yeah where that's a great point real quick Millie's still here Millie is he there it's Millie from Jersey is he gone okay he's always here in the rain here he comes Millie real quick real quick just one question just come out send him out send him send him send him Millie real quick because he brings up a great point what are you wearing to that interview tomorrow what are you wearing to your job interview tomorrow fucking suit and tie you have a suit and tie okay there he goes all right good luck we're gonna we're gonna put in a word for you at the whole foods fifth street come see me fifth street at the freeway there he goes seafood department kid you don't want to all right we're having fun here tonight just had to make sure last bucket pool the night makes the most for Alex hurt line everybody Alex hurt line fuck yeah dude I'm starting to think all Mexicans are Oklahoma Thunder fans because whenever I ask one for a favor they're always like okay see yeah dude I fucked a celebrity yeah dude it was a great time until I got kicked out of the wax museum yeah dude the fucking security guard that caught me he was like sir I need you to pull out a buzz light you're right now thank you yes let's see here everybody measures the height of snow but never the girth very stupid yes oh thank god dude thank you very much a great fucking set Alex hurt line welcome welcome is this your first time on the show second you've been on this show before I remember now that I see that crazy birthmark you got there that thing is wild or he was like he's got a black eye he's got a black he also said that about rock out Millie too when he came I he's got a black eye a black cheek a black forehead something's up with this guy all right Alex welcome back where was that last when was the last time you were on the show it was in July Grega Gredford Simmons was on and I had a generational fuck up like I did jokes about my birthmark but I wore a bucket hat so like nobody could see what I was talking about and I like bombed hard as fuck well tonight you fucking cranked it dude amazing jokes I love the unbelievable crisp enunciation everybody got what the fuck you were saying it was well written it was well edited everything was tight and strong and fucking smart and funny I was wondering where you were going with that okay see joke incredible the act out the whole thing amazing stuff are you sure so didn't lean on the fucking birthmark at all yeah yeah let this be a lesson to all these wheelchair cowards that every obstacle is just a hurdle that some of you can leap over the classic Fiona Kali laugh in the mix she's fucking holy shit oh my god so Alex that's amazing it's great that you learned that lesson about the birthmark and the hat and everything crazy stuff like that happens what else has been going on your life remind us how are you I'm 24 24 what do you do for work I'm a I'm a barista at Dutch Bros now okay fuck yeah crushing it oh yeah barista's a reach for Dutch Bros but okay true yeah you make coffee yeah I put shit in the cup and like here yeah dude your face looks like you got a handshake at interstellar yes anybody ever order a black eye at that place do you know what that is that's a drink that's a drink no I was once a lot of people don't know this but on the on the grind and hustle that I've been on I once worked at the Starbucks next to the comedy store morning shifts before working the afternoon phone shift at Starbucks and I am a master fucking barista from 18 years ago coffee with an espresso shot that is a red eye wait with black eye that's a coffee with two espresso okay amazing so we're all learned something here tonight if you really want to get fucking wired you could throw espresso shots in your coffee oh yeah I have a Starbucks question for you sure compare the two what did a tortoise order the most what's a torta Mexican that's very easy straight fucking frappuccinos all caramel caramel yeah double caramel extra whipped cream frappuccino okay that's interesting because at Dutch Bros it's always like a strawberry or chateau chai well that's probably as close as it gets yeah yeah we didn't have horchata's at the Starbucks but I promise you if we did that would be the run that would be the the torta that would be the drink of tortas what do you guys think about it yeah Alex yeah awesome yeah great he's fucking funny you shit chill you know what what are you doing this whatever red bands show is that is a great point you don't want them on what are you coming down fucking whatever it's a special way get South by Southwest week and also at the he said thank God at when it was the minute he's like thank God I can't do that much material do you think you have that's like that minute that you did that quality obviously those are like three of your best jokes yes so like the longest I've done is probably 25 but that was like two years ago how long you been doing comedy again three years three years I have like it's one line or shit like that and then kind of stories if I had to guess maybe maybe 30 if I was bombing straight I could be up there for 30 I think you know we're gonna do just for fun since Ari teased you and I don't have a golden ticket to give away because your interview is just a normal white guy but what I am gonna do call that a normal white guy I mean he is turning into a werewolf in real time he looks like he's about to have superpowers yeah right yeah dude I'm a fire bender at heart you know what we are gonna do though is we're going to we're gonna send you up to Adam Egett right now who's doing showcases in the other room and you're gonna do a short set for him right now how long is that it's either three or three or four minutes like that they'll tell you right before right now in real time Alex there you go the mothership the former booker of the comedy store literally the biggest talent booker in the comedy industry tell them to only turn the left hand lights funny about him's like I'm gonna pass it oh god what the fuck oh no you fucking monster man god damn it why'd you guys send up that freak to me I think you got a lot of what the fuck I have a real eye for what the fuck is left all right everybody I mean what a fucking show it's been amazing we started with William Ari Matt he's on the road doing extra shows Timmy no breaks is conserving energy but we have one more regular to close out tonight who I think is taking over fucking comedy one week at a time an undisputed growing freak of nature at one point in his life he was the dark storm of Atlanta now he is the dark storm of Austin Texas make some noise for yet another this guy never turns down a set when we've done two shows a night when we've had multiple shows a week he always has a new set make some fucking noise for one of my favorite comedians deadrick Flynn everybody what's up my therapist told me I can't be a Y in no more Y in me young niggas and cuz one I'm 35 and that energy is dangerous with a nigga with no ACLs so now I'm on my WPN shit it's a white people insurance I just got health insurance I did I had you because now I gotta start going to the doctor I was against going to the doctor because my uncle told me at a young age he was like the emergency room is free right we live based on that and then after I went to college I just started using my student loan debt because they won't let you die if you own student loans because student loans is the only thing that you can only pay with by dying like you can't do like bankruptcy so like I would use that to my bit y'all never went to cops real mad at black people and it was scary right everybody was scared but not me every time I got pulled over I would roll down the window and I'd be like I owe $40,000 to Stanley May and in the cop be like ah all right I was gonna shoot this shit out of you nigga even even when you go to the hospital if you want to get to the front of line you gotta go tell them niggas you got a student loan debt I don't care what's wrong you could have a car door stuck in the middle of your chest it is actively giving you aids for some reason nigga you did you will get soft like you will nigga you come in there you like I got a hundred twenty thousand dollars in student loan debt with the ethics of philosophy degree nigga Dr. House Dr. Mario the niggas from Graves Anatomy scrubs show up y'all notice didn't know niggas died from COVID that had student loan debt that's my time I lay Jesus Christ god damn it he's done it yet again you just gotta learn to love it people two or three massive huge applause breaks only Ari got that with brand new material from a fucking huge vacation dead Rick you are a fucking pro dude again no fucking games here it's just incredible your your knack for fucking amazing premises is what I just absolutely love not letting people die if they owe money is amazing it's incredible honestly if you think about it Tony all these people that song like I see you like on the core like brain day if you just go whisper how much them niggas like causes sir you had a hundred and eighty thousand nigga that nigga just get up like you know I feel like if we just go tell these niggas they running the bill up they was like pull the plug I'll walk nigga I don't amazing you had amazing jokes that I think when over people's heads WPN white people insurance unbelievable I went to I whispered in red bands ear fucking insurance unbelievable I mean it's just amazing you're hitting from every angle you're absolutely crushing Ari this is one of your first it has to be your first time I've seen that drink I don't know he was I mean I love obviously I love the teeth thank you I mean it's just just pricing it out as I watched you so but you were able to overcome that and I can hear your material I was doing that in the background while I was listening to you which is great black debt matters no doubt about it you're bald you should have kept that homeless jamaica I had on you and he wouldn't have had anything on you it came out like a homeless Gandalf the white fire and shot I fought him for seven days fucking nigga I love you so I love you please don't get me to me I'm too high I love it and this is that you guys ever seen that your first time I've seen the clips he's a fucking stone cold killer to see in person he's fucking yeah you would love him on are you garbage because he is from real Atlanta the kid has fucking stories and looks so classy what are you talking about this is to kill Tony money now let me tell you I did see his first clip he was dusty you shit yeah he really was the gold chains the gold teeth he's got the earrings but my favorite thing is what's cooler than a black guy wearing a brand of menthol cigarettes that aren't even in business anymore yeah the ball cap Salem my uncle got this in the 90s because he's sending a bunch of empty cartons he said 72 it is the same uncle that used to steal the pothole covers in Indianapolis and go sell them in Detroit at the recycle center entrepreneur that is actually that is an argue garbage car I was gonna say ever cash anything in off Barbara points that is a first questions we ever came up this guy might be your first ever like 10-part docuseries are you garbage Dendrick is a machine you did it again tonight it is a home run you know you haven't been a regular all that long and I've been throwing you these closing positions and hyping you up on the intro and you never fucking dodge a bullet you always go with the wind incredible to see this is my shit I fucking love doing this shit I love being on kill Tony I love falling in my dreams I love bumping my fucking ass I love fucking being here I love red band I love Tony he madness we got a beef nigga I've been waiting to get this blind nigga this blind nigga been on my ass all day cuz that golden seat the other blind nigga you gave Chris a column blind Chris Leo that nigga beat me a pool yesterday don't talk about this nigga because that niggas can see with their ears like this thing is though and he had Jay legend back revancing the nigga the whole time fucking everything that nigga be me and pulls in this blind nigga I guess heard it through the blind great fine having a deadrick Flynn ladies and gentlemen the unstoppable force the future has arrived learn to love it it's the dark storm of us in Texas deadrick motherfucking Flynn what a goddamn show we had tonight Ari brought to you by Shopify and well Ari plug the release one more time it comes out this are you this is great hold on it's called the end it's a new version of whatever storytelling show you know it's got it's available April 16th but the presale is available right now at YMH studios comm Tom Segura is producing it it's got Tony Hinch with held like an episode Roy Wood Shank Gillis Nate Bargatze Tom Segura Chris Stefano Mark Norm and Joe List on and on and on and on and on and on at Tony is headlining probably the best best episode we have four stories about trying to come thank you buddy and it's a real you know Ari's been my big brother in this shit for about two decades and you really did put a lot of fucking effort into this thing and it's awesome and you just heard the names on it one more time for Ari Shafir surprising the dog shit out of us and how about one more time for the are you garbage guys are you garbage calm back on the block tour Kevin Ryan and H. Foley three of my favorite human beings here thank you love you so much fun on a random Monday let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there little Timmy no breaks gonna be for sale in the lobby with all that cool kill Tony merch kill merch comm for an amazing new plethora of things including our new wwe merch in which of course we will be in Las Vegas April right after the Saturday night of WrestleMania that is indeed April 18th in Vegas a wwe kill Tony crossover episode and it's yes completely crazy it's my dreams coming true and May 7th we are at the Intuit Dome doing need a largest attended audience for a kill Tony ever bigger than the O2 arena bigger than Madison Square Garden our return to Los Angeles where we started this thing 13 years ago in front of 17 people maybe less Tony can I just say that people I was hustling around the fucking world and a lot of people mentioned the special thanks to your goddamn Netflix shows yeah every time fuck you special thanks sorry shit here for nothing right what does it say again I was a lot in there you could look to the credits and Tony show if you made it that far yeah and yeah yeah you're a con it's fun we have a lot of fun running jokes me and Ari one more time for Ari ship here right then check out my new music video you know me capred music on YouTube capred 7 on Spotify and on that's right a lot of huge announcements happening very very soon and that's about it so we love you guys God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America thank you good night everybody whole you you