#744 - RON WHITE

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it over, Tony HinchCliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Evie! Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen! Oh yeah! And now about one more time for the best-stand band in all of the land, the Kill Tony band. Uh-uh, Valejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anaccio Belgrande. How about a hand for the great Sean Greenberg all the way to the end, playing guitar. One of the best in the world, ladies and gentlemen. Marcus King is joining us. His brand new album, Darling Blue, available everywhere. Literally one of the best in the world. He just plays with us sometimes, because not only is he a great musician, he has a great fucking sense of humor, too. He's not like a fucking one of these woke musicians out there just trying to pander to whatever. This motherfucker's gonna win Grammys and he's gonna do it laughing all the way. Uh, the great John B's on the keys, as always. The man that puts it all together. The backbone, the black bone, if you will. And right here, live in the flesh. Truly the one and the only. The great and the powerful. That is deep madness right there. Holy shit! What a show we have for you. It is a very, very special night. You're gonna find out more about that in a second. Right now, let's find out more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, well, well. It is truly a special one indeed, because Red Band and I are celebrating five years of living in Austin, Texas. My How The Time Has Flown. Just a couple LA boys were living the dream, had the comedy store by the fucking balls. We were running the joint. We could have done anything we wanted. And instead, we took a chance on a crazy little fucking hip rock and roll awesome ass fucking city. And it all happened because of tonight's guest. Now, a lot of people get it twisted. They think, oh shit, you know, this guy owns a, he owns a comedy club, so it must be this guy. But the person that actually started this gangster shit wasn't Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan was convinced to move here by one of the wisest fucking sage comedians of all time. He's been basically everybody's favorite comedian since we were 12, 13, whatever you name it. And he really started the Austin comedy scene. He was here first and he hangs out with us every fucking week. And he's truly the man on top of being one of the greatest comedians of all time. There's only one guest tonight, ladies and gentlemen. It is the undeniable goat, Ron White. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah! Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise. For the Silver Ghost, Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. The fucking, the ambassador of Austin, the Silver King, the Baron of... What? I don't know. I thought it. Baron of. Welcome, Ron White. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Good to see you. Everybody, Marcus. God damn, right? The man. Light up your face. You're walking on room C, Marcus King. The whole band is rocking and rolling as usual. Fun hang. Good to be here. We're so happy to have you. Ron was a pivotal person in the show's wild success. When we moved to Austin, Ron would step in and be a guest on the show anytime we needed him. He was the bridge of us coming out of the LA pandemic doing episodes in front of an empty main room at the comedy store. I mean, we were just, it was unlistenable, the show, because of lockdowns. There was nobody in the room. We had people doing minute long sets in an empty fucking room. And we had to pretend like it wasn't the most depressing thing ever. And we had to try to guess whether it was really funny or not. It was psychotic. They were sitting over on the stage. It was all insane. The whole thing was crazy. And we came here and we fucking started doing real live shows in front of live audiences again. And it was a great era. And Ron was there for us every step of the way. And so thank you, Ron. And welcome. Let's have some fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. You know? I was a fan of the show back in LA. And the first time I saw it, I thought, God, this kid is onto something, you know? I mean, it just, it was such an interesting format. And I just kind of believed in it. And I really promoted Tony coming down here because it's fun to hang out with. So I'm like, put a full court press on Tony. We were having a lot of fans. Yeah. And he showed me around, showed me all the music places, the bars, all the chaos. And we've been doing Kill Tony absolutely forever. And so you know how it works, Ron. Over 300 innocent souls are packed into a bar next door. If I pull their name out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bar. I'm going to let this, I'm going to let this fucking poor pale vitamin D, uh, needing fucking ghost. Still has some of his Halloween makeup on. It appears. Pull the first name. And while we go wrangle that comedian, I'm going to bring up a man who famously is not a Golden Ticket winner. He's not a regular. He is his own special thing. Everybody has a different path. I used to bring this guy on stage because he started stand up and I thought he was fun to drink with and smoke with and have late nights with. And he was not that great at stand up when he started, but he was so funny off stage that I kept giving him spots. He famously gets better and better almost every single time we see him. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return, a brand new minute, kicking off the show from Uncle Laser everybody. Hey, my parents are divorced if you couldn't tell. And if your parents are divorced, I really don't fucking trust you to be honest. If you ain't never been dropped off in a Walmart parking lot on Christmas Eve in the back, right? Like a hostage negotiation situation where your mama got a flick to light up your daddy's car because they don't want to see each other in person just to go to your second Christmas. You don't know trauma. If you ain't ever seen your daddy pull your mama out of the bar for drinking too much, you get in a domestic dispute, put the clothes on the ground. You got to lie to the cops about who started the fight. You don't know loyalty. Listen, my mama and daddy split when I was nine. My daddy is a straight-laced Godfair Christian. He goes to work tired. He comes home sore. Well, mama, well, she's retarded. You see, my mom fucked all the Metallica in the 80s. She's built for tough, you know, tough. She actually had a landing strip when she gave birth to me. That's why I got this haircut. And I remember the first day they split. I remember when it happened. We was driving on I-10. My mama got us lost. My daddy's arguing with her. My mama, she wants to punch real quick, right? And I got so scared that I swallowed a bunch of fucking lifesavers and I started choking to maybe bring them together as a team, you know, to maybe salvage their marriage. They divorced three weeks later. My name's Uncle Lashley. You all been great. Thank y'all. Uncle Laser, ladies and gentlemen, getting it started tonight. Not an easy spot being the cold opener. And here you are, working beats, talking about your real life, talking about your parents. Are you still... I know your mom. Your mom's... She tried to kiss you. Your mom loves me, boy. Oh, does his mom love me. Let it spaghetti. You had to pull her off of me. That parking... I said, hey, fucking, you know, let him get dressed. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. He's like, come on, mom, you're embarrassing me. And she's like, come on, let me do what I want. That's where he gets his voice from. Yeah. It's not from his dad. It's from his mom. How many packs of cigarettes do you think she smokes a day? Well... Yeah. Enough. You get the picture, everybody. If he's doing math over there, that tells the whole story. She worked at Frito Lake for 30 years. Oh, that's why she's a little bit dusty. When she breastfed me, it tastes like Cheeto Puff. You know what I'm saying? Okay. That's why... Hey, baby. You know what I'm saying? Uncle Lazer, tell us about your life. What's going on? Anything crazy? You want to hear some fuck shit? I mean, I just asked for it. Okay. I beat the fuck out of this boy after my show, One Night in Phoenix, and I want to tell you about it. Ooh, let's talk about it. So, before I go any further, you might see me... And listen, if you got titties and you want me to sign them, I'll sign them. There's no sweat off my back. There's no sweat off my back. I love it, but... Red Band, you want them to sign your tits? Not again. But the other day, I posted a real me signing this really attractive girl's titties, and I don't mind that. You know, sweat off my brow. But she said, hey, I want to go to the after party with you after the show. This is the fifth show I've done. It was in Phoenix at the House Company. And I was like, well, let me go get my check. And when I come back, they're at the bar, and there's a guy on a wife beater, and he's calling her like a bitch, a slut, and a whore, like, wow. Because you signed her? No, no, no, no, no. And I thought, I was like, was that her boyfriend? And so I asked her friends, is that her boyfriend? She goes, no, there's some rando that came up and tried to buy her a drink, and she didn't want the drink, and so he's calling her. I go, well, hey, fuck you, motherfucker. I say, you can't talk to a fucking woman like that. And he goes, what are you going to do about it? And I go, I'll bite your nose off. You could reach his nose without a stool? Okay. What is the same height? No, we're not. You just have a hood? No, we're not. Don't make me fucking stand up right now. I have a hat. No, Michael, you son of a bitch. We are not the same. You better take it back. All right, I'm a half inch shorter, dude. I'm sorry, dude. Half an inch. But old boys started getting loud, and they separated. And old girls like, hey, let's just go. Like, you already performed here, you got your check, you don't know me, let's go. And so me and her and her friends, we walked out to her car. Well, we get almost to her car in the hair. Hey, motherfucker, I'll fucking kill you. And he's like running up to us. And he barrels over those girls like her friends to get to me. When I just popped him. But when I say I popped him, I completely fucking missed. I'm talking like, you ever try to punch somebody in a dream and you're just out here? Oh, yeah. And when I miss, he grabbed my leg. Well, I wrestled and I did the 10th playing and shit. So like, I like fucking fish nose that motherfucker up in here. And I used his weight and I mounted him. Now, when I mounted him, I put my elbow on his throat. And I was like, look motherfucker. Wow. I could kill you. I could kill you, but I don't want to do that. I want to go try to fuck this girl and you're fucking this up by screaming and hollering and dumps you. I said, and I punched him twice on the ground. That was for me, for missing the first time. And I was like, I was like, listen motherfucker, I can kill you now, boy. I said, but I want you to get up. I want you to say sorry once you get in your fucking car. Now, listen, Tony, I've been in a fight to my life. Got my ass beat enough. When you give up, you can feel it when a man gives up. Let's go. And he let go and he looked up at me. I swear to God. He goes, I'm really sorry, man. You had a great fucking set tonight. Oh, shit. And I fucked that girl till the morning time. I've been fucked like that since grade school, since father friendly hands in the boys taught me about classism, you know what I'm saying? Like, wow. Chivalry ain't dead, motherfucker. Look at that. Wow. Ron White, what do you think about all this? You know, I... Really? I never, I never really got you, you know? I never did. I did. And, but to see you really turning into a comic, man, and talking about your life and getting a laugh and set up and plus, you know, that's really fucking encouraging, man. I think that's great. It really is. So, congratulations. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. Moving forward, man. That's great. That's all all of it's gonna do. Move forward, you know. Five years ago, he was the second show I ever did. The second, like, literally, swear to God. Yeah. But I was telling people on the road this weekend in the car when we were in Salt Lake City, I was telling them Uncle Laser took the ball and ran with it. He took the ticket draws that he could, went to every city, headlined the small comedy clubs, went back to those city, got the medium comedy clubs, and now you're doing the big comedy. You're just doing it, man. That's how you do it. So keep doing it. Uncle Laser got the show started tonight, ladies and gentlemen. And now, we move. To the bread and butter of the show, The Bucket. Where we meet people, sometimes for the very first time, anything can happen. They can embarrass themselves, and it can end up terrible. They can literally make it out of this bucket. Last week, we crowned a brand new regular, who you're gonna meet later on in this show. So, he's gonna be rich for the rest of his life. That's what can happen on this show. So, 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then an interview, going to your first bucket pull of the night. It is Cameron Illig, ladies and gentlemen. Cameron Illig. Oh, man. I want kids. I mean, my own. I want my own kids. I want my own. I don't want to just go look around for them. I want my own kids. I want a son. I want a son. I just don't want to have one of those sons that takes his pants all the way down at the urinal. Like, that's my biggest fear. Every man in here has been sexually harassed by a six-year-old at some point at the urinal. Because you'll be at the urinal. You'll be right there, stand up, midstream. Some kid comes up next to you, gets completely naked. And now you're three feet away from a felony. Just all of a sudden, you're midstream. You can't stop. You have a bad prostate. You're stuck. And then if someone else comes into the bathroom, you gotta be like, I do not know that fucking kid. I swear to God. He came onto me. Look what he's wearing. You know, like... And then you have to explain, well, your pants are down also. And it just gets... Just, I never learned, you know? That's why me, personally, I'm all for only stall men's restrooms. I am. Only stalls. That way, you get your own private kid. You know, like, that's... That's what I want. All right, thanks, guys. Cameron Illig, we know you can. You moved here with your friend, Cam Patterson. Yeah, he's following me. He's what? Name keeps following me around. Yeah, yeah, you guys were the two cams. One is now a star, and here you are, signing up, talking about basically molesting children in private bathroom stalls. He's on Saturday Night Live, and you're literally talking about little kids' penises. I am. It's perfect. You're amazing. You're adorable. You look like one of Santa's elves tonight. It's absolutely an adorable red and green flannel you have. Welcome back, Cameron. Good to be here. How's the stand-up been going for you? How long you been doing it now? Four years. Four years. Tell us, how's it going? You're here in Austin. I think I gave it the college try. I think this is my graduation. I'm done. You failed. Yeah, thank you. How's life? What do you do? What do you do for work, Cameron? Now I just work from home, remote sales, but... There's a guy that... There's a guy that totally was positive you worked in remote sales from home. He's so excited about it. He couldn't control himself. The guy's head just fucking exploded in the middle of the room for those of you watching or perhaps just listening to the podcast. It's unbelievable. He goes, oh, I fucking knew it. His head exploded. There's people covered in blood in row 15, mid-15, row 15. Cameron, why do you think it is that people, when they see you, are positive that you work in remote sales from home? I figured I have permanent door-to-door sales face, like solar panels. I almost did a minute about solar panels, but not remote sales. You know, I think I have the face for in person. How long have you been selling remotes? Oh, all right. What are you selling remotely? Just software, some bullshit. Wow, it gets even worse. It just gets more boring. I was hoping it was like, you know, powerful dildos or something like that, but no, it's just software. Craziest thing that's happened to you while on a sales call? I mentioned 9-11 on accident. Ooh, tell us about that. I didn't mention 9-11. He said, so the deal's going on at 9-11, and then I laughed. And he said, 9-11's the close-up, and I went, yeah. That's the craziest thing. It doesn't go crazy. Cameron, what's your love life like right now? You seem to be a good-looking guy that seems to have a little bit of a serial killer vibe to him. Tell us, how's your love life going? I don't have one right now. Really? Yeah, it's chillin'. What's the last date you went on? What was that like? Um, I just got out of a relationship, so how long ago? A while ago. What's a while to you? Like five months. Okay, how long was that relationship? Like a year and a half. And why did it end? Uh, no reason. Just amicable. Did you kill her? Yeah. What do you mean no reason? A year and a half long relationship, there kind of has to be a reason. I went on a trip in a caravan and I just ditched the caravan in a ditch somewhere. You ditched her on vacation? Yeah. Okay, where was this vacation at? Where did you go on this caravan vacation? No, it was just a thing. It was a... It's getting more suspicious with every answer. Brian Laundrie, dude, he killed his girlfriend or something. Okay, you're making a joke about that? Yes. Okay, so why did the relationship really end? It really ended for no reason. It was amicable. And then I stabbed her ten times in the back. Alright, Cameron. What? Cameron, so you haven't been on a date since this relationship ended? No. Why not? I don't know. You're clearly not focused on your material and performing. Like, what are you doing in lieu of being in love? Uh, I just don't do the dating apps. I don't like the hinge. I don't like that. So what are you waiting? Like, how are you gonna meet somebody? Huh? After that wild pitch for love. At the supermarket, I imagine. Ron, what do you think about this young buck? What do you think? I don't... You know what? So four years doing sets. And I know that was a brand new minute, and you have to do that when you come out of your ride. So that's all brand new stuff. Oh, yeah? That was horrible. That wasn't horrible, but, you know, and I don't even know what kind of advice to give you, except for four years, it isn't very much. You know, four years still very, very new in the business, so, you know, I don't think I'd give up tonight. You know, I think he got some potential. Thanks. It's true. Coming out with Cam could get in your head a little bit, you know, watching his wild success, but he's just a different type of beast. Does that ever affect you? Knowing that you came out with a guy that literally completely made it? The exact same time span that you could have? No, I can only be more... I can't be more proud. Yeah. You guys are still friends? We're still friends, yeah. You talk to him, you communicate with him? Yeah. He texts you back? He calls me. Whoa. Yeah, FaceTime. Wow, look at that. That's your biggest credit right now, Cameron. FaceTime with Cam Patterson. Yeah. Fun times, you already have a big joke book, right? Is it filled up? Oh, yeah. Okay, here's another one. There you go. Cameron, you're like ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Boom. On to the next one we go. Cameron. Could have pulled a glass of water out of the... Oh my goodness. There she is, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Her new podcast, Love on the Line, comes out on Tuesdays. HeidiRigina.com. I think she might be signing some posters after the show in the lobbies so you can meet the actual Heidi. Your next comedian is one of my favorite door guys here at the mothership. I'm so happy he got pulled out of the bucket. A very funny man. Make some fucking noise for the one and only, Fuzzy, everybody. Here comes Fuzzy. Yeah, I wasn't supposed to be here but the last comic said 9-11 three times so. I am from Pakistan. It's tough, bro. Middle Eastern men get no pussy. This is true. There was a study done. Middle Eastern men get the least pussy in America. There was a study done. A guy followed me around with a clipboard for a few days. This kid's got no motion. That's why I'm pro-arranged marriage. That shit works. The problem is the game has changed. Back in the day it was simple. All you needed was a goat. Seems like a bad deal, right? Who would do that? A goat for a beautiful new Muslim bride? What a bad trait. But put yourself in the groom's perspective. He's just meeting this woman. He's been fucking that goat for years, dude. Wow, absolutely perfect. That's how it's done. Fuzzy, working beats on the room. Bing bang boom. Left, left, right. Hitting all the punches, unlike Uncle Laser after a show in Phoenix. Absolutely nailing it. Welcome, Fuzzy. One of my favorite door guys. One of my favorite faces to see. Thank you, Tony. It's good to see you. Me and Fuzzy love each other. We have a hell of a relationship. We really do. You're my second favorite Middle Easterner. Is this on Middle Eastern? My technicality. Indian? He's like faking it. Yeah, it's all the same. You guys could both play in a movie about Saddam Hussein or something. Fuzzy, how's life going? Life's amazing, Tony. I feel great. I feel like a million bucks. Wow, amazing. You look like 20 bucks. Will 20 never hurt nobody? That's right. That's right, Fuzz. So tell us about life. What are you up to? What's your living situation? Tell the people what it's like. You've been in Austin for how long? Almost five years. And you came from Wisconsin? And here you are. Oh, great. We got some alcoholic retards in here. That's all. Yeah. Perfect. Go, Pac-Guy! Yeah, some cheese eating chuds in here. That's what we got. So tell us about your life, Fuzz. Life's amazing. I've got a 330 square foot studio on the east side, East Fifth Street. I'm the king of that little two block radius right there. I say everything the light touches. That's Tony. He's the king of that little two blocks on East Fifth. You don't want to go there. That's your hood? I'm the fucking king over there. Wow. Look at that. How far east is it? Pretty, it's far. Is it the Middle East? It's not the Middle East. It's far. It's over there. Yeah. I love it, Fuzz. Tell us about your neighborhood. What do you love about your neighborhood? Coffee shops. Oh, yeah. Coffee shops. Yes. Whole foods. Target. Let's go. Sexy women. Ooh, yeah. Hell yeah. Keeps you in check. Absolutely. Having hot girls around. What do you like to do when you see a sexy woman? I'm here behind the cool lady, I'm here. I'm here behind the cool lady, I'm here. I'm here behind the cool lady, I'm here. I'm here behind the cool lady, I'm here. You are so sexy. You are most beautiful princess. Is this the same place that you talked about last time you were on the show? Or like you had this whole thing about where you lived and it was like really horrible. Oh no, yeah, thank God. You moved. Yeah, I moved. There was a lot of Mexicans over there. Whoa. Whoa. You took care of me? Huh? Wow. Wow. Wow. I love racism. Amazing. What is it about the Mexicans that you don't like, Fuzz? I do like Mexicans, I just don't like living around them. That's, you know what? That's fair. I think everyone here could agree with that. Even the Mexicans, I see. Michael agrees completely, he wants to live near the whites. Yeah. I love it. So this new neighborhood, is it a lot of whites, blacks, what are we talking about? It's a lot of whites. Wow. It's a lot of whites. Yeah, we love that. Yeah. I think the whole food is just cool. Oh, it's fucking awesome. Dude, I go there, I steal food all the time from that hot bar. What type of food do you steal? Mashed potatoes. What's your process? So, teach these people how to steal from Whole Foods. So it's easy, dude. This is all you gotta do. You gotta walk in there. Don't go straight to the hot bar. You gotta throw them off your trail a little bit. You gotta throw them off the trail. Yeah. Exactly. You go to the deli, you don't get anything, fuck that, it's Whole Foods, it's just a bunch of his fuck, you know? So you go to the deli, then you make a few more rounds, you go, oh, I guess I could use some paper towels, you get one extra thing. Uh-huh. You get one extra thing. Yeah. And then you go to the hot bar, you load it up, and you load it all up onto the right side. So here's the box, right? Yeah. So there's a box. Yeah. And you put it all on the right side of that fucking thing? Yeah. And then when you go and weigh it, you kind of, oh shit. Oh shit. Kind of. Oh my God. Yeah. And you teeter it off to the side. Oh my goodness. And it's like, oh, there's no weight on the actual sensor, it comes out to like $2 every time, it's like $20 worth of food. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. So I'm stealing from the hot bar. Wow. 100% Pakistani, 50% Jewish, it's amazing. It's going to Whole Foods and Pay and Half Price. This kid is unbelievable. Yeah. All mashed potatoes. All mashed potatoes. The box is just. You're on a mashed potato diet right now. Yeah. Was this recommended by a doctor or something? Is he telling you you need more mashed potatoes? I just love him, man. You love mashed potatoes. They used to actually, at this old grocery store in my hometown, Wisconsin, they called me the mashed potato man. Wow. Me too. Wow. Yeah. Because I would go and I would go to the hot bar, kind of do the same operation. I've been pulling this trick for years, but it doesn't matter if it's Whole Foods or anywhere, fuck them. And my roommate was the dairy manager at this grocery store. So I would go in there, I'd get hot mashed potatoes every day, but he's always in the back by the milk, you know, like a fucking true white guy. And one day he's out in the front of the store and I'm getting mashed potatoes. And I go, oh, yo, what's up, Zach? And his coworker goes to him and goes, you know the mashed potato man? Wow. And he goes, I fucking live with him. That's my roommate. Wow. That is amazing. Now, do you ever do instant mashed potatoes out of the box? Do you ever make your own or are you just straight up stealing pre-made mashed potatoes? I'm always trying to get the fucking hot food mashed potatoes if I can. But if I'm real down bad, I'll do instant. I've never made them. I didn't even know you could skin on. There's a way to do it. Let's go to our chief instant mashed potato correspondent, Brian Redband here, who you can tell why is everything has been surviving off of box mashed potatoes for decades. Do you like it skin on? Do you like it chunky? What kind of mashed potatoes? That's a great question. That is a very good question. Do you mix butter in with your mashed potatoes? Are you a sour cream and bacon bits guy? What are we talking about? Chives? No bacon. No bacon. Whoa. Whoa. Can you guys believe I got this fat without eating bacon? Come on. Now, we're going to check in with our chief bacon correspondent, Brian Redband. We're heathed from a cow is a god, right? So you can't eat the bacon? Is that why? I think Brian has it confused with. Got a little confused and that's okay. Can we get a sauna mod up? Yeah, let's squeeze it. It's not our chief global culture correspondent. It's just in charge of bacon and mashed potatoes. It gets a little tricky. How do you like your perfect mashed potatoes? This is the longest interview about mashed potatoes in the history of the show. It's a record setting. If I'm at a nice place, nice steakhouse, put some fucking skin on that bitch. Whoa. Put some fucking reds, fucking skin, Matt. Can you say that anymore? Put some Washington football team mashed potatoes. Yeah, absolutely. Hell yeah. Fuzzy, you're absolutely fucking killing it. Oh, no, Debbie, on the secret show. You just got booked on a real show. There's a real joke book. Ron, you got anything? You want to say one thing? Can I say one thing? Yeah, Ron White. I've got one of the fun things about working in this club is you get to watch these guys come and mature and grow as comics and you're doing a fucking great job. I've got the seven o'clock show tomorrow. You want to come do it with me? I'd love to, Ron. Whoa, opening the fat man of the mother ship tomorrow night. You just watched a young man book two spots on a Tuesday and a Thursday from trying to sign up on a Monday here in Austin, Texas. I love you, Austin. There's people saying that if you want to make it, there's idiots in LA and New York like, yeah, it's just trans jokes in Austin. It's like, that's nine minutes on mashed potatoes right there. These people are so full of shit. There's a bunch of conspiracy theories about Austin. We're like, tell us more about mashed potatoes. Anyway, I mean, mashed potatoes kind of are the trans potatoes if you think about it. Like, they started as one thing and ended up being all mushy and... Anyway, sometimes there's bacon, sometimes there's sour cream. Okie dokie. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll looks like it could be a familiar name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Jesse Vasquez, everybody. Jesse Vasquez. Jesse. What's going on, Kiltony? What's going on? All right, I want to say something to bring the crowd together real quick. The stars at night are big and bright. All right, I appreciate it. That was a little weak, but I appreciate it, guys. I feel like if Texas needed an enema, we'd stick it in Houston. All right, what's going on, guys? I'm the guy that says, all right, all right, all right, a lot. I get told I have a crazy face. I feel like I get told I look like I want to kill people a lot. And I feel like that came in handy when I was in prison. Because I feel like the last thing you want to look like in prison is approachable. Ok, where are we going to go with this next one? All right, black people. What do, what is, ok. I mean, it's going to get worse. What does a blind person and a black person have in common? They both never seen their father. All right, why wasn't there any black people on Epstein Island? The Carnival Cruise Line didn't stop there. Did I get the meow? Yes. I'm good, Tony. Jesse Vasquez is back. Welcome back, Jesse. How's it going, Jesse? How do you feel like that went? I'm just saying, ok, Tony. At 13 seconds, you started material. At 23 seconds, you said, ok, let's go. Good to be here. Something like that. You reset again. Yeah. And then when all else failed at 45 seconds, you just did two quick racist jokes. That barely really qualifies jokes, but there was something. How are they going at the open, Mike? So you're working out a lot? I'm trying to get better, Tony. Yes, sir. So how often are you performing during the week? I've been trying to get up at least three or four times a week, Tony. You don't have to say my name for every answer. And you work the door. You're our door guy there, the dizzy rooster. Are you working tonight? I just got off work, yes, sir. Ok, all right. And, Remind, how long ago were you on the show? It seems recent. Last month, Tony? Ok. Fuck, I did it again. All right. And how has life changed for you since last month, Jesse? Tell us something crazy about your life, Jesse. You're on a live podcast right now. Well, I got recognized a couple of times when I've worked at ACL. That's about it. It was pretty fun. But, like, mostly it's, the nerves are gone, dude. You're less nervous now. Oh, yeah, I got booed by all you guys the last time I was up here. Ten seconds into my set. So, that helped a lot. It's crazy to think that this set was a massive improvement from whatever happened last time. Yes, sir. This is amazing. Yeah. Let's check in with the King of Texas, the great Ron White. I would recommend that if you have 60 seconds that you don't start off with a song. Because it looks like you're trying to kill time when you have no time to kill. Got it. Just come out and do the first joke, man. Just come out and do it. And whether it sucks or not, you know, at least we don't have to sing that song. Yes, sir. There's no doubt. There's no audience participation. We don't feel like we were part of it. So, but anyway, I just, just come out and do the jokes. Yes, sir. There's no doubt about it. That's perfect advice. Anybody listening should absolutely take that advice. There's only certain kind of people that want to almost settle down the crowd that can say, how you doing, Austin? People that don't know you. You know, we did that. The show has been going on for about 35 minutes now. So you being like, are you guys ready to party? Like, we've already been doing it. Got it. All right. Last time I'm guessing you got a little joke book. Yes, sir. Well, there you go. Go fill it up, Jesse. Go fill it up. We're going to keep it moving along here. Short interview for Jesse. Four minute long interview for Jesse. Eight minutes on mashed potatoes for Fuzzy. That's how crazy this show is. Anything can happen. If you seem absolutely boring, you're going. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a golden ticket winner here ready to make a long awaited return. Make some noise for a brand new minute from Colin Sledge, everybody. Make some noise for Colin. Thank you. So I moved to Austin. I'm a little worried about fitting in, you know. I went to my first show and this guy in the green one was going on like, you know, when I'm on stage, man, that's the real me. And then he went up and did seven minutes of rape jokes. He was me. You know, now that I'm an Austin comic, I've been working on my Tony impression. Unbelievable. Incredible. Who's ready for the best fucking blowjob of their lives? Pew. Sorry. Thank you. I know Tony so much. I know the show so much. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. Wait. Tony's like a father to me, you know, because just like my dad, he's always calling me a gay retard. All right. Colin Sledge. Indeed a gay retard. Welcome, Colin. Hi, thank you. How are you? I'm a little nervous, but I feel okay. I love it. I love it. You dressed up like this for this spot to do that Austin joke. Yeah. You did fake tattoos and everything. Yes. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah, that's why I texted you earlier in the day. I was like, it's like, yeah, I got to figure out this now because I have to put them on. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. The work that you put in for this set. Thank you. A phoned in impression of me and tattoo, fake tattoos. Good. And the chains. What? And the chains. Oh, and the vape pen, a shaky vape pen. Oh, he's coughing. Oh, shit. Sorry. That's my girlfriend's. I didn't. I love it. I didn't know it hit that hard. You're doing a good job. How long have you been with your girlfriend, Colin? It was around the time I first got on the show. So like seven months. Okay. Yeah. What does she do? She runs shows in Houston and hopefully in Austin soon. You're trying to get her done. Did you move down here? Yes, we both moved down here. You both moved down here. So she has to go up to do shows in Houston. Well, yeah, she runs Sunday shows in Houston. So we'll go back on Sundays. You guys go together. Yeah. You make the drive. Do you stop at Bucky's every time you? Sometimes. What do you get from Bucky's, Colin? You drive by, you're able to drive by a Bucky's without just a quick stop or anything? Yeah, I'm not. Are you from Texas? Yeah. Born and raised. Yeah. And you just take it for granted. Yes, I do. See, we can't do that. We literally, if you're not, if you weren't born and raised here, you literally can't drive by it no matter what time of the night, no matter what time of the day. You guys, you guys just drive by it, huh? We usually don't stop. It's crazy. Yeah. This lady just married a new man because she was excited about all this talk about Bucky's. She just moved seats from one guy to another. She wants to get closer to a man that has the balls to drive by a Bucky's. What do you, what do you get when you go to Bucky's? I get the espresso beans, the chocolate covered espresso beans. Wow. You really are a gay retard, Colin. Chocolate covered espresso beans. My goodness. That's also my nickname for John Dees, everybody. Chocolate covered espresso beans. Chocolate on the outside, chocolate on the inside. If you could describe your love for chocolate covered espresso beans, how would you, how would you describe it? Fleeting. Fleeting. Yeah. It's more, it's more just to stay awake. You know, it's like $1 to stay awake. You know, it's good. Wow. Unbelievable. D-Badness is literally going to take a nap right now. Ron White, you are the Baron of Bucky's. I popped into a Bucky's on Saturday night coming back from a niece's birthday party. Hell yeah. Let's go. What the hell does the king of Ron White get at a Bucky's? The brisket sandwich and it rocked. I gotta tell you. No doubt about it. Was that it? Just a brisket sandwich. The last time I went to Bucky's, I saw, what's that kid's name? It's on Kiltony. Enrique. Bucky's. Oh yeah. He was at the cash register when I went up there. Hey, what's up, Ron White? Hey, hey, hey. You got a brisket sandwich, dude? What do you want a bottle of water? It's up to doodle. Come on, man. How about lesbian? I look like a lady. Everybody think about lesbian, dude. Was he sweating? Do you remember? Was he sweating at Bucky's too? He was just coming off of him like a waterfall. Crazy. Just over at the cash register. It is amazing. It is amazing. I call him a wet front. What's your order of Bucky's, Red Band? What do you get excited about? You're more of a sweet guy. No, no, actually the Philly, the burrito. Yeah, the Texas Cheese Steak Burrito. Cheese Steak Burrito is my favorite. And also, beef jerky. I love their beef. Unbelievable beef jerky there. Me, no joke. And I know this is on brand for Tony Hinchcliffe, but I love the hot nuts there at Bucky's. It is absolutely incredible. I get a little baguette of every kind. I get a cashews, I get a pecans, a whole fucking thing. And I shove these fucking nuts in my mouth. Oh, God, I love it so much. It brings me so much joy. I'm really not a big nuts guy anywhere else, but Bucky's fucking a warm nuts. It's definitely not a beaver nuts guy, huh? The, uh, you talking about the beaver nuggets? You do, that's your thing, right? I like beaver nuggets. You love beaver nuggets. Red Band eats a lot of sweets at night. He's on blood pressure medication, ladies and gentlemen. It's called blood pressure medication. It causes him to have a tricoft. It's one of the side effects. I finally figured out why I got this goddamn tricoft. Turns out someone told me it's a blood pressure medication. These are the talks we have in the green room before the show. A little behind the kill for you. Yikes. You're still here, dude? What the fuck's going on up here? What the fuck are you still doing here, Colin? Let's get him out of here. You should do what you were talking to me earlier about. What? You should do what you were talking to me. Oh, my, my, oh, can someone bring my pants, please? Uh-oh. You have a pants delivery coming here? Is this a plan thing, Colin? Uh, yeah, there's a letter in my... Wow, look at that. Oh, my goodness. My dad gave you a letter of thank you note. Your dad wrote me a thank you note? Yes. Okay, all right. This is great live podcasting. I thought he wrote we one for a second. I'm like, what the fuck, dude? I don't even know your dad. It's a cat stepping on a piano, and it says, Dear Tony, thank you so much for the role you played in shaming Colin into getting his own place. 10 years ago, I built a garage guest house in the backyard. For guests, Colin moved into it the day it was completed and has been there ever since. Parentheses, 10 years exclamation point. So I intend to have a guest stay there very soon, exclamation point. Thank you again, R.M. Sledge, parentheses, Colin's dad, parentheses, come to Houston sometime and join me for homemade shrimp crab gumbo. Oh, fuck yeah, that sounds great. That sounds amazing. He's from Louisiana, so that's like... Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, God, that sounds fucking great. I love some Louisiana shrimp crab gumbo. Thank you, R.M. Sledge for this amazing note, and thank you, Colin. Another new minute. Congratulations, a very experimental minute from Colin Sledge, everybody. That's what the Golden Ticket Winner is good to do. They do good enough. They get to sometimes just do localized jokes with fake tattoos. We found them all out of the bucket. Anything can happen. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. They go by the name of Tomak Kolecki, everybody. Tomak Kolecki. Hi. Hello, Austin, and hello, America. Hi. I'm Tomak Kolecki. I'm from Poland. At the beginning, I have to tell you, I don't live in America. I'm just a tourist. I arrived to this country one month ago. So sorry for my English. Sometimes you're not going to understand me. Sometimes I can mispronounce something. But you have to remember, I'm very funny in Polish. So please remember this in case of disaster, okay? So a little bit about Poland. If you don't know where Poland is, it's between Germany and Russia. How peaceful, right? Imagine that you live in America between Detroit and Detroit. Kind of like this. Don't laugh. I don't have time. One more joke. So how can I explain Poland to you guys? It's a European shit. Holy, it really is. If I had to compare, imagine that Europe is like America, and every country in Europe is like states in America, right? So in this scenario, Poland would be Oklahoma. Which is shit, whole. But at least we are not Louisiana, you know? Thank you very much. Wow, will you look at that, ladies and gentlemen? Most likely what I would call the set of the night so far. Going to Tomek Kolecki? Kowetski. It's very Polish. I know, Polish is a wild language. It is. J's and Y's and things mean different things. I have letters in my last name that not even in your alphabet, so I understand it's tough. Kowetski. Yeah. Alright, so let's talk about it. You're born and raised in Poland? Yeah. And how long have you been in America? One month. One month? Hell yeah, and you have all these localized jokes and references all figured out already. I did my research, yeah. So you must destroy in Poland, am I correct? Yeah, I try to. Are you one of the most popular comedians in Poland? I wouldn't say I'm in the top 10, but in the top 20. Okay, that's a good place to be, between 10 and 20 in Poland. That's very good, and very honest answer, I like that. You're not like Ari Matigorn, yes I'm number one in Estonia, I'm number one, there's number two is forever away. You're very honest. How many comedians... This metaphor Estonia is Delaware, you know, so... Poland is... Estonia is very small. Yeah. And Ari really is the number one. Yeah. How many comedians are in Poland though? Is there a lot of big comedy community there? Yeah, there is. Like, obviously not as big as in America, but I guess like, you know, a couple hundreds. Yeah. Yeah, so tell us more. What surprised you about America when you got here a month ago? Oh yeah, like crazy thing happened to me last week. I went first time in America, I went shooting, right? Yeah. But I was a little bit disappointed because they took me to shooting range, not to school. Wow. You son of a... I was hoping for the full America experience, you know, and... And we shoot guns safely, un-American, you know. Amazing. Un-American, to shoot guns safely, can you imagine? They shoot guns in Poland? You got guns in Poland or is that... Not so much, no. They got rid of them? Never existed. They never existed? Wow, no wonder Germany just treated you like a fucking retarded nephew, huh? Yeah. We're taking over. You're done. Just standing with the knives like... Yeah, that doesn't work against tanks. Yeah, very hard. Germany. Pretty fucked. Germany just took you over like your fucking Colin Sledge's dad's guest house. Yeah, and then Russia from another side, you know, it's pure bukkake, like... Yeah. You guys are getting shot every direction, just... Very tough history. Absolutely amazing. Now, how long ago did you start stand-up comedy in Poland? 12 years ago. Perfect. Amazing. Yeah, I was 16 at the time. What made you want to start stand-up? Like something as a kid? Yeah. What was it? Yeah, when I started... Robin Williams. I love her a Kritseraka. To be honest, first special I ever saw was Eddie Murphy Delirious. Oh, yeah. That'll do it. Hell yeah. Yeah. It was first fun on Polish YouTube with Polish subtitles. So this is the reason. I was 13 at the time and I started doing open mics when I was 16. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah. You saw Eddie Murphy. Did they have black guys in Poland? Not so much, but I have explanation. Like... Can you book me a flight to Poland, girlfriend? Okay, what's the explanation to why there's no blacks? We love black people. We just don't have a lot of black people. Why? Because we never had slavery. So we never forced anybody to come. You think that's all they do? You think that's all their... You think that's all their... Like nobody coming... We invite you, but nobody... Why the fuck you want to come to European Oklahoma? That's true. For what? What you gonna achieve there? But feel welcome to come. We have three black person right now. Yeah. What are their names? Yeah. The thing is, like, if you are too weak to play for American basketball team, then you go to Poland and play for Poland basketball team. So we have black guys or our team that cannot even speak Polish, but we love them, three after three, you know? Yeah. Heroes. Yeah. Heroes. Yeah. And the main guy... You're not gonna like it, maybe, but I'm gonna try it. Like the main guy, he has the most blackest name you can think of. Oh, let's hear it. Lufthansa. No. His name is... It's a real thing. I didn't make it up. His name? Jordan Floyd. Jordan Floyd? Oh, my goodness. What's his cardio like? Jordan or is he more Floyd? He's more Jordan, for sure. He can breathe and stuff. Very good. Yes. There you go. No hero. National hero. There you go. Took the ball and ran with it there. Very good. I like your style, Tomak. I didn't make it up. It's just a real thing, actually. If I would make it up, it would be racist, but it's a true thing, you know? Yeah. And those black basketball players have bigger poles than the poles do. Yeah. See what I did there? That's a giant penis joke, Tomak. I cannot do metric system in America, so I don't know how long my penis is. Perfect. Perfect. I would say a foot of a midget. A foot of a midget. A foot of a midget. A foot of a midget. W-E-M-E-E-G-I-T midget. I love it. So, Tomak, have you ever had a real job? What do you do when you're working in Poland? How do you make money? You just do comedy? I'm a pro comedian since I was 19. Wow. Yeah. Like, in Poland, every comedian needs to work like Louis CK every special new year, because after one year, everybody saw your stuff, right? Right. So, I'm 28. I already have seven specials because of this, you know? Wow. So, we work really hard there. You guys do have a great work ethic. I am friends with, literally, UFC Hall of Famer multiple time. I mean, literally, one of the, I would say, the greatest female fighter of all time, Joanna J.J. check. Very good translation, yeah. Yeah. Joanna J.J. check, yeah. Yes. She did a comedy with us. Yes, she tried it out. How was that? At the beginning, tough, because we do like a stadium tour, right? So, imagine you never do a comedy, and then you go 10,000 people stadium to do comedy, right? Yeah. So, this was her beginning of the comedy. But after a couple shows, she made it, yeah. After a couple shows, first shows, a little bit tough, but after a couple shows, she fucking made it, yeah. Yeah. And you're friends with Joanna. Yeah, yeah. I know her. We do a comedy tour in Poland when we invite celebrities to do comedy with us, but they have to go on stadiums without knowing how to do it, you know? So, it's really fun experience for them and for us as well, because, yeah, we're better. She's the best. One of the sweetest ladies on the planet. Rhonda Rousey got a lot of hype. She's like, you know, American famous, but anybody that knows fighting knows Joanna is actually the... She is national treasure as well. Yeah, no doubt. Most punches ever thrown in a fight is her against Zellie Wang, right? Am I saying that? Yeah, Chinese girl. Yes, Chinese girl. And it's the craziest, craziest fight of all time. Fucking Chinese girl. They are nothing but trouble. Tomak, anything else crazy we should know about you? I find you so interesting. You are truly... And it goes to show, you know, Eddie Murphy, who you first saw, I believe he started either 14 or 15, you starting at 16, it just... It shows you are such a natural comedian. Yeah, like for a long period of time, I had the nickname of youngest Polish comedian, you know, because I was just a teenager doing set up comedy. When I have my first ever TV set in Poland, I had to have agreement from my parents to do this because I was underage, you know. Wow. Do you remember, can you translate, does it work in English? Do you remember one of your first jokes in Poland and on Polish television? Does it work in America at all? 12 years ago, something about my teacher in school was a idiot. Then they hit on TV and I had to go to school after it. Wow. What did the teacher say to you? I don't remember at this point, but it was something about making him a pedophile. Oh, yeah. Perfect. That day at school on Monday, I would say that. Well, Tomak, I mean, you're amazing. How long you in town for? I stayed till the beginning of December, but I'm planning to be back here in February for another three months. Beginning of December in the middle of February. You grew up with Polish jokes, Tony? Oh, yeah. Why do Polish girls don't use vibrators because it chips their teeth and shit? Right. Yeah. Are you aware that Polish people are considered stupid? I know, but it's like, this is a common opinion that Polish people are stupid. This is not true. We just can't speak good English, so we sans dam, you know. Like in Polish language, I can be intelligent guy. Here, I'm Borat, you know, like. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. I know. I know. I know. Yeah. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Thank you. Thank you. Big bomb. And here's a big joke from my friend. Congratulations. You did it perfectly. Tomak Kowetski, ladies and gentlemen, with his big global Kill Tony debut. And on to the next one we go. Great job, Tomak. We'll see you later. Okay, sure. There you go. Clammy hand. Cold Polish hand. Ha ha ha. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise to your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute. His name is Jose Ayala, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. It's Jose Ayala. Jose. How you doing? Kill Tony. Hell yeah, hell yeah. I know what you're thinking. That's one big ass talking Jose right there. Yeah, no, I know. I know I'm not a traditional Mexican that you can tell. Yeah, but the most Mexican thing about me is I got a UTI. Yeah, a urinary tract infection. Ladies, stringer cranberry juice. Yeah, because I got jerked off by a chick who had hot treat fingers, you know. Yeah, can you believe it? That bitch flavored blast in my dick, you know. No, but I got her back. I did. I ate her pussy out with Frank's Red Hot, you know. You can literally put that shit on anything, you know. And it was great too, because, you know, fucking what's it called? It makes everything taste like buffalo wings. So it went great with the fucking blue cheese you already had, you know. Oh. Yeah, I should call her, you know. Uh-huh. Yeah. I'm gonna call her. I'm gonna call her. I'm gonna call her. I'm gonna call her. I'm gonna call her. I'm gonna call her. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, here's another one. Oh, what do you call it when you make a paralyzed girl squirt? Oh, vegetable soup. All right. My name's Jose. Yeah, that guy's been wonderful. Vegetable soup? Yeah. Okay. Just checking. All right. Didn't know if you said stew or... It can work by the way. Yeah, works either way, absolutely. Jose Ayala, you've been on this show before? Yeah, once. How long ago was that? It was like a month ago, actually. Oh, wow. Okay. And how's life going for you, Jose? What did we find out about you in that first interview that I found interesting? I'm Mexican. Well, we knew that. I work at a bar. That's what we found out. And yeah, that was it. Okay, wow. Well, this was a great interview, Jose. Is there anything else interesting about your life that we might find intriguing? Um, I don't like big crowds. That's the only thing. Oh, you're in the right industry. Perfect. It's very amazing. Yeah, they freak me out. Like this? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, how are you planning on getting over that? What's your big plan, Jose? Because the industry that you're in, if it goes good, which luckily I don't think you have to worry about that for a while, but if it goes good, you're going to be in front of giant crowds. Uh, I'm going to start doing orgies, so yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm just dying right into it, you know? All right. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy, Jose? I like to play video games. I skateboard. I do recreational drugs. Just go out with friends, party, you know? What kind of recreational drugs do you do, Jose? Let's talk about it. Okay. I smoke a lot of weed. Yeah, what other than that? Let's talk about that. Oh, fuck. All right. Sorry, mom. Your upper lip is sweating between your nose and your upper lip. Sorry, I got hot nuts, my bad. No, um, I did acid the other day, so that was pretty cool, you know? Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Okay. What happened when you did acid? I got, okay, so I got lost completely. I ended up blacking out and then waking up like at a bus stop. And yeah, and I didn't know how I got there. And when I woke up, my underwear was completely gone. Where did it go? I think I probably shit my pants. Okay, no, I didn't. I didn't probably. I shit my pants. Yeah. And I, uh, because I was in and out of a blackout and I remember being behind a bush, wiping my ass with them and then just throwing them on the floor. Jesus. What? I'm not going to put them in my pocket. What? Oh yeah, I'm sucking halos from children here. Wow, you shit your pants. Uh, I'm going to check in with my chief acid correspondent, the great Ron White is here, ladies and gentlemen. So was it fun? Oh, no, it was great. I had a, I had a like a great euphoric experience. I, I, I once I call like, I really like, you know, thought about my life and, you know, I cried a little bit as I'm not going to lie. And it was, it was really, it was really life changing. You know, except for the shame. What was your life like before that? I gotta, I gotta tell you, dude, you know, you, you came out, you, I think you did a pretty good job. You haven't been to a stand-up long, right? Four years. Four years. Oh, wow. I got nothing. I got nothing. I got nothing. Fun fact, I've only done acid, maybe three or four times and all three or four of those times, I'm just going to say it was because of the great Ron White. He, he knows how to bring a party to the next level in the green room here. Yeah. And they call it micro dosing, but I've never micro dosed. It turns out anything in my fucking life. It turns out if I do any amount of anything, it's a full dose. Yeah. We, turns out we don't have scales up there. Yeah. Yeah. And I can tell you, I just start hearing the lights. I can hear LED lights. I can hear and feel everything and anything around me. I'm in a total matrix when I do it and I stay awake until about eight a.m. the next day. I don't know why, from what I understand that, I guess that's a part of it, but I don't get my toasting liquid acid. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It turns out I'm hanging out with fucking the fear and loathing over here. Ron White is like the actual dude, by the way, if you're wondering what he's like off stage, he's like a cool Texas version of the, of the big Lebowski. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. But, but, but you did the answer that I gave you and did you shit your pants? No, I don't shit my pants. No, no. 200 hits. I've never shit my pants. Yeah. We think you would have shit your pants anyway that day. Who's that? Yeah, no, I was also blackout drunk. So, oh, well, okay. Yeah, I like the party. That's what you want to do when you're on acid is just get blackout. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't plan is some guy just, oh fuck, some guy just gave it to me and I was like, all right, fuck it. We're gonna do this. Might as well, you know, dance with the devil, you know. All right. Dance with the devil and shit your pants. Hell yeah. Oh, I find that. Do you shit your pants? No. Never. No, not really. Really? Not really. Oh, we're getting, we're getting warmer, folks. No, not really. All right, I have. When I was right now. It's in your pants right now, isn't it? No. Okay, we're good. Jose, here's a little joke book fun times, my friend. Oh, there he goes. Jose Ayala dropping the little joke book. That's what people are going to remember from this. One more time from Jose, ladies and gentlemen. All right, I'll tell you. We've met some interesting tough to follow that Polish dude, right? It is tough to follow the Polish dude. Right. So, we're about to, we're about to, all right, let's get one more bucket pull up here before I pull the trigger on this nuclear warhead that I have waiting in the back. This looks like a new name. So, I'm excited about new names. We've had two bucket pulls that were both on in the last month, which is rough because they don't have anything new to talk about in the interview portion of the show. The bucket has a mind of its own. This is the show. This is what happens. Anything going to fucking happen. We're going to meet a new one right now. I'm sure this is a new name. Make some noise for Carter Fancutch. Carter Fancutch. There's Carter, everybody. Carter Fancutch. Nice to you guys to clap, cheer and stuff whenever I came out. Last time I saw my mom, she didn't do any of that. She just said, shave that shit off your face. Said, you look like my son and somebody I could never trust around my son, you know? But I need this mustache. Without it, I look exactly like Caitlyn Clark. She's a talented shooter. I just say shoot when I come, you know? What are you going to do? My love life's tough. My love life's like red box, you know? It used to be a thing. It used to be a lot of fun in a Walgreens parking lot, you know? Not a lot of returns. There are always scratches on the back. Stuff, you know? I supplement it, you know? I supplement my sex life a little bit with porn when I can. But Texas makes that very difficult. There's not exactly porn down here, so you've got to get creative, you know? I found something pretty interesting. It was David Blaine's sex tape. That's good shit. That's good shit, you know? He's having sex with a girl and she's like, oh, David, don't come in me. I'm not on the pill. And he's like, ugh, check your pocket. All right. Carter fan cut. Am I saying that right? Fan cut? Fan cook. Fan cook. Okay, I could see how that would be. Welcome, Carter. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? About eight years. Eight years. Wow. Where at? Springfield, Missouri. Moved down here a year ago. Nice. How do you like Austin compared to Springfield, Missouri? It's a bigger town. A lot more opportunity. I, you know, I like it. Okay. What's a crazy thing that's happened for you in Austin, Texas so far? A lot of opportunity, a lot of fun to be had. You had a wild night or anything yet? Yeah, had some crazy nights. I saw a homeless person shitting on the street yesterday. I'm pretty sure he was just on stage. Is that a bus stop perhaps? Took a shit up here too? Yeah. I love it. What ethnicity are you? You really do have a look to you. German, I'm a German man. The last name, fan cook, means pancake in German. Wow. Look at that. What do you, how do you think you ended up with the last name, pancake? I have to assume we fucked up a loaf of bread somewhere. Heck, back in the gene pool. I don't know. I love it. What do your parents do? What are they up to? They together? No, no, long, long gone on the marriage there. My mom, a radio dosimetrist, treats cancer. Okay. So, he was a pharmaceutical sales person, then got popped smoking weed, and I guess she can't do that as a pharmaceutical sales person. So, he bought an Airbnb, or a bed and breakfast, rather, and ran that for a while. Now, he works at a dock. A dock? Yeah, he owns a dock. Okay. Fills gas, wears jeans shorts, he lives the fucking life. Yeah, that sounds like a dream. It really does. Red Band is excited about it, right? You like it. It's just good. Yeah. Okay. And you said your love life is like a red box. How's it been going? What exactly is going on? Why do you think you're having trouble? It's actually going okay. I'm married now. Oh, wow. I've remedied the solution. I found a box that I can just go back to over and over again. Oh, shit. Look at that. But yeah, no, it's good. I've never been able to travel for work and stuff, so it is, there's some dry spells, but yeah. What does she do? Where does she travel for work? She actually, she's all over the place. She's like a wastewater field service technician, so she's like, anywhere there's shit, she'll go. She's actually going to India for Thanksgiving. She'll be there. Oh my God. Really? Yeah. She's going to help the wastewater in India? Believe it or not, it's not good there. Oh my God. That sounds like quite the mission. Yeah. And she's going to fail, but you know, you got to. Treating wastewater in India is like fucking melting the snow in Antarctica. This is, this sounds like mission impossible. Is she excited about this to spend Thanksgiving in India? She was like, she was, are you going to miss me? Like, should I just stay here for Thanksgiving? I was like, no, it's like once in a lifetime opportunity. But we went and got, we went to the travel center and got her shots and everything today and she's fucking scared now. Like, don't eat any of the food. You have to crack open every, you know, drink that you're going to drink has to be factory sealed. Like they really put the fear of God in her. There's like Japanese encephalitis running rampant. It's a scary fucking play. Fuck. Unbelievable. Wow. Ron White, what do you think about this young buck, Mr. Pancake? I think that most of the things you do in India will give you the shits. Yeah. Right. So she could be at home there. You think she might not ever come back? Yeah, she may have too much work. She may leave me for a poo. I don't know. So do you do comedy clubs on the road? Is that what you do? Do you travel and do clubs? I actually am in wastewater also. So I travel for work mostly for that. That's how we met. But that's boring. How do you do it? Dude, you make everybody sound more interesting than they are. It's fucking incredible. It's not easy. After a show like this, I sleep for 48 hours straight. But see, both of you are in wastewater? Yeah. So you're literally, it's a shitty relationship. It's... Your house must stink, dude. Like how much do you spend on glade a month? Opposite, dude. We're pros. We know exactly. I've learned to wipe sitting down recently. Like where are we? Wow. Red Band still hasn't learned how to do that. That's incredible. Yeah, because that's inferior. All right. Okay. How did you wipe before? Great question. How did you wipe before? I would get up, you know. I'd take a look and then I'd be like, yeah, that's going to be some work. And then I'd get in there. I would stand up. I don't know whose fault that is. I don't know if that's my dad or my mom talking to that. It's a German thing, I think. Exactly how do you do it now? Tell us, explain to us how you do it sitting down. I just like lean. I typically left. I'm right-handed. So I'll lean left and I'll get... You lean left. I lean left and that's two actions. So that creates a space for the arm to go in. It spreads your cheeks. So... Wow. Doesn't that seem like not as good? Like you're not getting in there? No, Brian, it's better. My ass is cleaner and I smell less like poop all the time. You should stop by my place. I've got a rotating stream of water that shoots up my ass. It is nice. Is that just on your jet or you have that in your house? No, I got it everywhere, man. Everywhere I go. One day I'll afford a fountain for my ass. You'd be quite surprised. If you go on Amazon, you'd be shocked at how amazing a bidet... 40 bucks. It'll change your life. Use the promo code KILLTONY. I'll probably swim out and I'll get a wet ass. All right. Carter, congratulations. Here is a... I can't even remember. How did you do? Caitlin Clark was okay. Red Box got the name. Okay. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Carter... Old Carter pancake. Carter fan cook. There once was a woman who lived in a shoe. A size two snug butt. What could she do? But that's not where her story ends. Thanks to a little help from her experienced friends, she got her score into much better shape and relocated to a box fresh new place with room to grow and a mortgage to suit. Now, she lives in a spacious four bedroom cowboy boot. Better your experience credit score to help get mortgage ready. Experience. Better your score. Better your story. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special moment, which I like because the last few comedians other than the Polish guy, it's been kind of low. The levels of sets tonight I would consider low. But right now, you're about to meet the newest regular on KILLTONY. This is an absolutely incredible moment because it's his first time being brought up as a regular. He was made a regular last week out of nowhere. I had never met him before. And since I've come to learn that he is absolutely, totally deserving and ready for this mission, a 12 year veteran of comedy, the dark storm of Atlanta. Welcome to the stage. Make some fucking noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here we go. What's up? What you know about accidentally drinking three gallons of gasoline because you was trying to siphon it from a truck and you accidentally swallowed three liters of it at nine years old and then you got to go to your dad and you got to say, hey dad, my tum tum hurt. And then your dad goes, hey boy, you smell unleaded. So Dedrick, I got to go to the, look at me. I got to, uh... So then you go to the hospital and you get your stomach pumps, right? You get your stomach pump, but then the doctors don't give me back the gasoline. What the fuck is up with that? We need to pay doctors less money. I got kicked out the Hibachi restaurant yesterday. And if we be honest, all Hibachi just means is Japanese food live, right? That's all it means. It's like you can get the album out home, but see them live. It's amazing. They'll flip a stripping in mouth and... But they got an anti-being high policy because they had all you could eat, so I ate an edible because I was going to see all that I could eat. And they tricked me. What they did was, is they, they, uh, it was really entrapment. They, uh, they dropped off the chopsticks before they dropped off the food and a nigger just saw a drum line the night before so I'm doing my paradiddles on the soy sauce. Didn't these niggers have the nerve to put on Phil Collins in the air tonight? The air right on Phil Collins in there tonight. That's not, that's not how you deal with those situations. I work at bars. What I do is like say crazy, like say if y'all too do start to get into fight, I'll just spray y'all with some silly string. Let y'all know it's not a serious time. It's just supposed to be y'all friends. And if y'all get mad and try to fight me, I'll just pepper spray you in the eyes or as I call it, serious string. I'm done. Yes. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Let's fucking go. Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome, Dedrick. Here we are, your first time cashing in on regular ship, your second time ever on the show, a 12 year veteran. He signed up 39 times for the show and finally got pulled last week. Meanwhile, you have fucking these guys, two fucking buffoon shitting their pants that got pulled in the last month, each of them. Sweet fucking killer, Dedrick up here filled with material and funny stuff. I love the fact that you made that guy in the front look at you while you were doing the thing. Yeah. Oh, it was amazing. Yeah. I'm a beast somebody, look at me. Yeah. Dedrick, I love it. Tell us how life's going for you. Tell us something we don't know about you. Welcome, welcome. Man, first I had to call my mama and then I had to explain what killed Tony was. Because she old and black, like you don't know no better. So then I was like, it's like the Apollo. And she said, okay, cool, where that's at? And I said, Austin, where I've been living. I've been signing up. And then she said, okay, whose club is it? Then I had to tell her it was Joe Rogan club. And then she couldn't remember who Joe Rogan was. So I said the nigga from Fear Factor. Yep. And then she said, oh, good baby. You're doing good, baby. How you gonna make some money? He is that guy on top of many other things. He is that guy from Fear Factor. Yeah. I love it. How does she feel about you being out here in Texas? She hated it at first because she told me, because when we was growing up, my dad was like, the black dots on the map mean that's where other black people live. Take as much time as y'all need. And so I asked my dad, I was like, what do you do in between the black dots? And he said, drive faster. P and Gatorade bottles. You don't stop. So I said, I'm gonna go to the black dots. I'm gonna go to the black dots. I'm gonna go to the black dots. I'm gonna go to the black dots. Don't stop. So she just found out about all this. It's 12 black people here now. That's amazing. Your parents still together? No, my dad passed away in 2016. Oh, shit. Sorry to hear that. How do you die? I always ask everybody. He had kidney failure and then they kill you with the treatment. Right. Of having kidney failure. And he had diabetes first. Yeah. Yeah, that's a thing. Don't make a joke about that. No, I won't. I won't. I will not make fun of the diabetes that you're having. 17 more episodes. You can make fun of my dad. Okay, I'll wait. He did it. I'm writing that down. 17 episodes and then I'll bring this up from now. 18 more and then roast my dad to shred. I will. I will. Was he cremated? No. No, we had some money. Oh, okay. We had some money. That wasn't important. Yeah. When people donated money, I was working at a, I was a GM at a car wash. And then I was making them a bunch of money. Jim Dudley helped pay for my dad funeral. And then I appreciate that from Jim. Shout out Jim Dudley over there. Hell yeah. In Georgia somewhere. What was it like being the GM of a car wash? I fucking loved it. And because like I knew I had power. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm power hungry. So like when, when customers will come in, I only could like, you can either get extra curricular or I'm going to be like, that's not my job. I can't do that. And I love telling somebody something's not my job. That's my favorite thing in the world. You ever just be like, no, I don't do you, you, you people do stuff like that. You, you know what I'm talking about? You got money too, right? Right. I do. I do. Hey, but you know what? I just wanted to say this. Hey, you know, I watched your set last week from the balcony up there because Tony said this kid is really good. And I just laughed my face off and then you're going to be in my show tomorrow night. Yes, sir. Full 15 minutes. I'm looking forward to having you on board. Oh, but thank you so much. Y'all make some noise for Ron White. Yeah. And give him an opportunity. Things are moving very fast for Dejrick. So he was made a regular last week and then Tuesday we're all in the green room on a normal thing. Me, Ron, Rogan, DeRosa and whoever Shane, a bunch of people and Bert. It's a normal, just a normal Tuesday. You never know who's going to be on one of these crazy Rogan shows. Normal Tuesday at work. And I was telling the green room like, oh, we got a new regular. That only happens once every year or two. And the kids of freak and Rogan says, invite him to do the show tomorrow and I'll have him on my show. So you came on the Wednesday. That's how fast. So Monday you get pulled for the first time Wednesday. You're opening for Joe Rogan and the balcony filled up with fucking the guys. Everyone's like, let's see if, you know, this regular, this new guy for the first time, because they always know if I say I found somebody that they're probably going to know them forever. And holy shit. I mean, it was incredible. He has a fucking, I mean, I don't want to give anything away and I'm not going to, but he started a bit about Oreo cookies that I thought was going to be a quick, amazing joke. And I see the first minute and I'm like, oh, this is going to fucking destroy on Kiltoni. And then it's two minutes, three minutes, four minutes, five, six, seven, eight, nine about Oreos. It's got a nine minute long Oreo bit and we're dying. I'm wiping tears. We're wiping tears out of our eyes and there's nothing quite like it. You know, it probably sounds corny, but like when someone like you comes around, it reminds us all what the fuck we got in this for. And it's incredibly fucking inspiring and I'm so excited to have you on board. It gives me something to look forward to every week. And so welcome to the family, Dedrick, and we'll do it again next week. I love you. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, it has begun. I can't wait for you guys to see what Dedrick has up his sleeve. It is powerful. One more time for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. This is where we found him. This looks like a new name. Makes some noise for Trip Callahan, everybody. Trip Callahan is next. Oh my God, guys. So one thing about me, I think it's very important to be able to change your mind. And no one's better at that than Obama. Yeah, because when Obama took office, he was against gay marriage. And by the time he left, he was drone striking straight weddings. That's pretty good progress. And I love the gays, but the other day someone told me that gays aren't groomers. And I was like, what? Like my thing is if gays aren't groomers, then explain how I got sucked off at a peck-o. I do got a new favorite gay. His name's Jeffrey Dahmer. Because I finally watched that Netflix show about him. And I remember when it came out, a bunch of my friends were talking about it was funny when the police were interviewing Dahmer's dad and telling him everything. Because the thing he was pissed about was that Dahmer was gay. And I was just thinking, if I was that police officer, I would have tried to cheer him up a little, you know? I'd have been like, sure he was gay, but he also murdered 25 gay dudes, right? So despite his gayness, he's much more homophobic than you, you know? Like you're talking about how they're going to hell. He's fucking sending them there, so... Alright, Tripp Callahan with an extremely gay set. Yes. Welcome, Tripp. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I was on like a couple months ago. Okay, welcome back, Tripp. Welcome back. How's your life changed since the last time you were on this show? Oh, bro, I can't even go out in public. Wow. No, dude, nothing's changed, bro. Nothing's changed. Yeah. Okay, was it a good set or was it like that? Yeah, better than this one, dude. Okay, but yeah. Remind us, Tripp, you seem like a very happy guy. Of course. What did we find out about you last time you were on this show? Oh, bro, I work at H.E.B. Oh, shit. Serial killer friend. What's your serial killer friend? What do you mean? Oh, well, he was like just like, he's like turned gay and then started killing gay guys and he was... Is this everything in your life and all that you talk about? Gay and serial killers? Yes, bro. Okay, bro. What else about you, Tripp? Tell us something we didn't find out last time you were on this show. I got like crippled for like four years from college football. Ooh, tell us more. Like I rolled up on dude, I messed up my ankle and then the dog... I broke my leg and I fucked up all my cartilage and ligaments in my ankle and then the doctors kept fucking up. I had to have like two surgeries, but we're better now, dude. We made it. You know what's amazing? Is it sounds like you've got something to say? Yeah. Right? Yeah. You're really good at it. I mean, you hold the mic in the right spot. You understand every fucking word you say. Thank you. It's almost like you have a plan. Right? But your missing content. Oh. That's all your missing. It's a little bit of content, man. I got you. Yeah, but most amateur comics don't do as good a job with the microphone as you do, and I understood every fucking word you said. Well, thank you. So that's a big... that's something. Something. Oh, yeah. It is true. Your delivery mechanism is impeccable. It's like ordering from Uber Eats, like a Euro stand at 4 a.m. or something. Like the delivery is there, but it's not good. You know, when it comes, it's just a little bit off. You're like, well, this was the only place that was open, but at least it's here. And then you deeply regret it the next day. That's what you're like. Okay. Okay. Tripp, tell us something amazing about your life that has nothing to do with gay or serial killers. Oh, man. You got nothing. You stumped him. Yeah, you really did, bro. Uh-huh. Dude, amazing about my life. Anything at all. Just anything trip. Dude, I can walk again. No. I work at my job. Dude, I work at 8. Yeah, I can walk. We already talked about H-E-B last time, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you really walk? Yes. All right, do it. There's a little joke book. Tripp Callahan, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Stumped him with the anything except for gay or serial killer talk. We got a whole bucket. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow. Look at that. It's a shame she doesn't want to fucking kill a gay tonight. I don't know. Nothing's making any sense right now. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Henry J, everybody. Henry J. One more time for Henry J, everyone. I can tell my phone was made in China because the default skin color on my emojis is yellow. If Johnny Depp has a one night stand and then the next morning gets an Amber alert on his phone, does he panic and check his bed for any surprises? I think he does. Is the utensil of choice for non binary people a spork? I think they eat exclusively with that when they brunch. Let's see. If a plane makes a successful water landing, do the black passengers panic harder after the landing? If a guy goes on a date, on a Tinder date with a girl that ends up not being a girl, did he get catfished or swordfished? Thank you. All right, Henry J. Without a doubt, his first time on the show, Ron White. Those were riddles. You should do jokes because you have a good face for stand-up comedy. You look like you, but those are riddles. That's what those are. Yeah, it's true. You're more of a riddler than a joker. Do all of your, does every bit of your material end in a question mark? I just thought it was a unique style. You know, where the question and the setup and the punchline all built into one question. Yeah, how many of those do you have? How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. Two years. All of it in Austin? In Utah. Utah. Salt Lake City? Okay. And that's your style. Exclusively just questions. Do you have any other material? I have a lot of other stuff. Can you do one joke that isn't a question? Sure. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a joke that isn't a question. Henry J. everybody. I was studying abroad and she got creeped out and just... That joke slaps, you know? Yeah. Okay. That is not a question. Still a little riddly. Slightly riddly. There's still some thinking you have to do and then you go, ha ha. Ha ha. I bet you get a lot of those in the Henry J. fan club. A lot of them. You're going to love this guy. Are you sober? Because you got to be sober for him. Really? You have to pay close attention and put your thinking hat on for the wild comedy styles of Henry J. Everyone in Utah is sober. Well, not everyone. I did an arena in Salt Lake City on Saturday night and nobody was sober. We have different crowds, Henry J. That's true. Those people in Salt Lake City fucking party for those of you that don't know. It is one of the top five cities in the United States of America. Shout out Salt Lake City. Shake that bad, bitch. I have no idea what that means in this context. Wait until we're talking about mashed potatoes or bacon before you speak up against it. Henry J, what do you do for work? I'm a finished carpenter. What does that mean exactly? So I install doors and do like a bunch of custom woodwork in people's homes. Anything woodwork related in people's homes. Oh, all right. Okay. And you just finish. You never start. I just ask. I struggle closing sales because I never actually, you know. What's your love life like? I'm married. You're married? Yeah. Oh my goodness. When you, when you pop the question, was it all like, would you, if you would? If you could. I just use the 20 questions thing, you know, we got there eventually. I love it. What does she do? She stay at home mom. Stay at home mom. How many kids do you have? Two. That's adorable. How old are they? My oldest is five. He's a boy and then have a little two year old girl. Amazing. You love it, huh? I love it. It's the best. Wow. That's incredible. When you come inside of your wife, do you say anything weird? Do you make a weird face or anything? Do you make a noise? What is a guy like you? Cause you seem a little goofy. You seem a little silly. I'd imagine you do something a little wackadoodle dandy. We like dirty talk. Really? Give us an example of your dirty talk. Do you like that penis? It's all questions. Yeah. I just, I'll kiss her neck a little bit and work my way up to her ear and then just. And then you nut inside of her? No, no, no. Oh, okay. Take us through it nice and slow. All this. Very romantic. I'll just tell her, or I guess I'll just ask her. It's like, no. I'm not going to ask you a question. I'm not going to. No, I'll just like, I'll work my way up to her ear and then I'll just say baby, I would skip church for you. Wow. Wow. That's our dirty talk. That is indeed Utah dirty talk. So you're on the Mormon side of things up there, I'm guessing. Very religious. You were raised that way. No, how did you end up finding the Mormons to be your religion of choice? It's kind of a long story. I bet it is. I want to, I want to hear it. I want to know how I've always assumed that Mormons, I don't know why, but I always kind of assume that you have to be like born into it and raised into it. I don't often find people that find God finding the like silly alien, the funny one. You guys are like the funny religion, the deeper you look into it, the wilder it gets. You've seen Book of Mormon from the creators of South Park? No, I want to. You should see it. It's unbelievably hilarious. I heard it's highly. And I love musicals. All right, go ahead. Tell us how you found Mormon God. Well, I mean, I think each and every one of us have a direct line to him and I think he communicates with us specifically so that we're in the right place at the right time to help people or not. BYU was highlighted in my mind there and it felt like that was him putting that there because it was highlighted. What do you mean exactly? Like, it was just a thought that came to my brain that when did, when did this happen after high school? No, I, I went through a little. Atheist phase after high school. And then, and then explain to us what you mean by BYU was highlight of your an atheist and then I found God before this. But yeah, I, it just, it just came into my mind that that's what he wanted to do. And it was extremely powerful. I could tell it wasn't my own thoughts. It was just like, this is, this is what I want you to do. And then you went to BYU and you finished at BYU. I didn't dropped out. You dropped out. Okay. I was sick of that. How did God feel about that? I was. So, and then so you drop out, you didn't finish much like your work. And then how do you find your, is your wife Mormon too? Yeah. Okay. So you've met her at church. I met her. So I, I served a mission just like any old little good Mormon. So you really did. You had the name tag and the, and the white polo and the black tie and you're knocking on doors. Cia of Jesus. Okay. Sure. Okay. This is how you meet your wife. Paint the picture for us. Yeah. So I met her, we go to a little training center for a couple of weeks before we ship out to all the different locations and I met her there. You met her at the training center. She was, I didn't realize. She was also a missionary there. And we're just, Is that the position that you guys have sex in? We are masters at the missionary position. Do you only do missionary position? Really? Do you do other positions with your wife? Other ones, yeah. Like what? What other ones? Give us an example. Just rattle off, rattle off some positions for us real quick. No big deal. I might get a Ron White named 75 positions. The lazy dog. Tug. Hold on a second. What exactly is the lazy dog, Ron? That's where you get in the doggy style position and then both of you at the same time and that's the important part. Fall over. Now you're doing a lazy dog. Oh, Ron White is the coolest guy on the planet earth. Where did you get your mission assignment? I mean, did you get a Orlando? Fort Lauderdale. Wow. Look at that. Not bad. They need some saving there. Yeah. So what was that like going into Fort Lauderdale and trying to teach people the way of aliens and what not being a god and all this very, very hilarious religion? No, it was interesting. And every time I saw a black person, I couldn't tell if they spoke English, Creole or Spanish. So you just kind of. Let's stick with that for a second. When you say that, what exactly do you mean? Like you would see one and then. We talked to people on the streets a bunch, obviously, and I'd just be like, Hey, how's it going? It's like, I learned the basics of Creole. Just to be able to communicate. Wow. A lot of hand gestures to communicate when I need to. Okay. And were you able to sign up any of these black people in Fort Lauderdale? Ron White shaking his head. No, I am on the inside also shaking my head. No, I don't find it believable. Did you really sell a black guy on being a Mormon? Transparency. How many black people are in the Mormon group up there? Is it anybody in the Tabernacle Choir? How many times did they answer the door and just go, Oh, hell no. What you a bill collector, motherfucker? Get the fuck up. All right. Red Band, what do you think about Mormons? Man, I just like the things they did because they can't have sex. You know, like that shaking the bed thing was a real thing where they go in bed and they have their friend just shake it so they're like, like rubbing against each other's, you know, that kind of stuff. You know about this, Henry? I've heard about it, yeah. Can you describe one of the wackiest things that you had to do sexually to respect your religion before you got married? Did you cheat a little bit? Did you put it like, did you stick it in a little bit? No. How about the backside? I know you guys, you guys, a way that the Lord doesn't see the old B-hole in Mormonism from what I understand. We study these things. On top of mashed potatoes and bacon, he's a butthole specialist. So come on, give us a little something. You ever hide in the backseat of your car with a couple friends and watch them make out in the front while you're parked? No. There must be something. How long were you with your wife before you got married? It was like eight, nine months, something like that. Wow, not that long. So for eight or nine months, you guys were kissing, tongue kissing. We made out. Hand stuff, fingers and hands? No. So you had no idea what this lady's pussy even smelled like. And you're like, I want this forever. And it could have been a disaster. Forever and ever. Yeah. It could have been a fucking BYU. You know what I mean? You've taken chances, dude. Oh my God. So nothing with not a hand job, not a dry hump, nothing with clothes on, not a fully clothed, but so you can make out and you would get a boner, right, while making out. But you couldn't like even like be like, oh, nothing at all, nothing. So you would like make out and then go to the bathroom and like jerk off sometimes. It was blue balls. The whole. There was wait, there was blue balls. Blue balls. Blue balls. The whole courtship. The whole courtship. Is that what you said? Yeah. Okay. When it came out, was it curdled or anything? Oh my God. You couldn't even jerk off thinking about her? Is that one of the rules? No, that's not. You can't even drink coffee. Huh? Drink coffee. Man, Red Band knows all the rules. Yeah. Teach me. Teach me. I was getting some dental work done and they didn't turn the gas up to where I could feel it. And it was just like a, it was like a, like a, I don't know, some kind of dental school in Vegas that I'd broken a tooth. And I told the guy to turn the gas up and he goes, they're regulations, they're stating about it. Wow. And I said, where'd you go to college? He goes, break them young. And I'm like, turn it up to Catholic. Never let Mormon set your buzz level. Never. And here's why. They don't understand fucked up the way you and I do. They're guessing and they're shitty guessers. They're the best designated drivers though out there. We got waymos now. Henry J. Funtime's great interview. Interview of the night. Henry J. Congratulations Henry. Thank you for joining us. Sign up again. Come back again. All right. Here we go. Bucket pool number nine. And I gotta tell you this without a doubt looks like a good name. The handwriting is impeccable. All caps, clearest best handwriting of the night and a catchy name makes some noise for Honey Donowitz everybody. Honey Donowitz. So I just think it's fucked up that our government cut funding to 20 billion children's food because they don't want to fuck fat kids. Like, I get it. I get it. It's been hard out there for them. They're having to recalibrate a whole dating pool. The last time they had to get their own 11 year olds, Belemia was still taught in school. They're just figuring some shit out. And like, I don't think it would be necessarily better if you and I had never heard of Jeffrey Epstein. But like, crazy shit's been happening ever since. You just know there's like some guys in the back room somewhere just like watching the headlines, seeing monarchies get called out. And they're just thinking to themselves like, do we have another 9-11 in the chamber? And they did. They did. Jeffrey Epstein was arrested in June 2019, I believe. And December, we're starting to hear about COVID. March, we're shut down. We don't even know who he is anymore. So that's just my conspiracy. Thank you. Honey, Donowitz, welcome to the show, honey. Thank you. You mentioned that the handwriting was really nice. It was. It was, yeah. Yeah. The handwriting is incredible. The joke writing, not so much. Let's talk about it. Honey, how long have you been doing stand up? Six months. Okay. That's not bad. It's not good, but it's not bad. We've been doing it all in Austin. What made you want to start now? So I got cancer. And then after I was. Yeah. I have some moderately funny jokes about it though. But after I got the all clear that I wasn't going to have to go through more procedures and things, I went to Creek in the Cave just to see if it felt good. And I bombed there too, guys. So I kind of. Did the open mic there? I did some mics there. Yeah. What kind of cancer did you have? Is that okay? You mind talking about it? Yeah. I mean, I talk about it on stage. I had pussy cancer. Oh, pussy cancer. Yeah. How exactly does one get pussy cancer? Well, you see. Funny you should ask. Tampons are, they're made largely from recycled electronics. I do believe there's something there. 5G. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Our senior tampon correspondent, Brian Redbam. Mashed potatoes, bacon, Mormons and tampons and buttholes. It's incredible. He gets it. So you were using like cheap tampons? No. How does it work? No, I was using like a name brand. And I'm not going to say it because like, I'm not that good at this yet. I can't get sued. But, but I was using a brand of tampons and that's the only thing that certain doctors can tie to why women my age have to get new pussy. And they kind of tell you they're like, yeah, this happens with people that use these tampons. So what, what would you recommend for the ladies out there with, with perfect pussies? What would be, what should they do? I'm going to be super frugal because I had the surgery in Texas. They made me keep my period. So I still use the fucking tampon. I don't know what else to use. Like the cups are weird. No, the cups are great. You just poured out. I don't even know. Pour it out in your, in your garden. It helps the garden. Oh my God. Redbam. Redbam. Talk like. Redbam. You've tried the cup? Yeah, it freaked me out. It freaked you out. I don't, I don't even know what that's like. It's a fucking cup. Yeah. You put it right. I don't. Okay. Redbag had definitely told you. So when you say they operated on your pussy, what exactly did they do? Can you, can you describe exactly? So it's like this, right? Like, like a pussy? Yeah. Okay. They took out the rounds. This is all new to me. Are their balls attached or anything? Okay. I understand. This can be confusing. It's more comparative to an ass for you. Okay. Right. So. So there's a pussy hole. And, and originally there's like a little something there. You had a little something. Yeah. A little something peeking out. Like a little, hello. I wouldn't say it was speaking quite yet. It was more of like a. I'm a cancer pussy. Yeah. Like that? Damn near. Okay. So then what did they do? What did they trim away or take out? Just like cut off a layer of it. Like the, and then just like put a new graft on. Was it the outside? Sort of. Kind of the inside? Yeah. How far inside? Like an inch. Okay. So perfect. So Red Band would have a brand new. Yeah. Pussy to fuck. No. I'm sorry. Do anything with the cauliflower thing in there. Okay. All right. We're going to Red Band turn off your microphone. I don't like have to answer him, right? What? I don't have to answer him. No, you don't have to answer him. He's just here for the jokey jokes. Kind of. And the more groans and ooze and awes. This is specialty. Okay. So what did it hurt? Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The cancer hurt. Not surprising. No, no. How did you find out that you had pussy cancer? Okay. So, um. What stinks in here? No, I. Red Band. Red Band. What did I tell you? That is out of line. This lady is a survivor. That is a crazy thing to say. What stinks in here? It's not right. This is the only young lady that's been on this show. And if you ask questions, say if you say things like that, women aren't going to want to, some women with pussy cancer aren't going to want to sign up for the show anymore. Did it stink? Did your pussy stink? More than anything. That's cheap writing, I think. Well, honestly, no, it didn't stink. But I was doing like a little bit of, you know, activities and I noticed that it was hurting more and things weren't stretching as they should or whatever. So I had to get that checked out. You went to a gynecologist and he's like, uh. She. She. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's risky. You may not have had cancer. I mean. I just, female doctors. I've never met a man who could navigate a pussy. So I think that the bets were on the girlies on that one, but. Have you ever done the lazy dog? I heard about it just now. Did it with his. Okay. So how long ago did you survive pussy cancer? So that was like a year and a half ago. Fun fact. There is my wifi password at home for 20. Not the first time I've heard that year and a half ago. Wow. And then what's the first thing you did to celebrate not having pussy cancer anymore? No, like literally it was going to creak in the cave at 545 PM and doing an open mic to seven guys who didn't think it was funny. That's why I did to celebrate. That's how I ended here. Wow. That's a true story. And then I left my family and moved here full time to do this all the time. Wait, what kind of family did you leave? Children dog. You left children? Yeah. Oh my goodness. But it's okay. I was raising boys. They were going to get fucked up by me anyway. Boy moms are toxic and I was raising white boys. They could be shooters. We are better this way. Wow. You just came to life there when you've been kind of reserved this whole time and then you talk about abandoning your children and all of a sudden you're fucking forest gum telling a whole story on a park bench. I do try to hide the accent a little bit. People think you're dumb if you're from here. No, yeah. Totally. So how old are your kids? Well, I don't think we need to write that down. Shit. No, I'm just, I'm just, fun fact, I'm not writing it down. I just keep drawing over the word pussy cancer because it's fun. It's something I do here. Sometimes I just write over the same thing. They're 12 and younger. 12 and younger. How many, when you say they, there's three of them. Okay. So where were you before exactly? San Antonio. San Antonio. It's only an hour away. You're aware of that, right? It's literally a short drive. I love my children. There's a Bucky's, it's a Bucky's halfway there. Yeah. Like it doesn't that entice you to go see your kids? Yeah. Don't you go, you know, I could visit my three kids and grab a bag of hot nuts on the way. Yeah. So when's the last time you saw your kids? Last week. Wow. Okay. That's not that bad. No. It's pretty good. When you say moderately decent, what exactly do you mean? I mean that I move here to pursue comedy, but like I love my children and I raise them well. I help pay for therapy. How many of them are, how many of the three are in therapy? Eventually all of them, but so far one. Okay. The oldest one? Yeah. Yeah. I think that's how it goes. All right. And they know about your pussy cancer? God, no, but now they will because you too. Right. Oh, red band. Do not, that is not the sound effect of her pussy. For those of you listening, it is indeed a swarm of flies flying around. That is mommy. Why are you butt stank? Oh my God. Red band. I'm a little bit confused here. Yeah. Go ahead. Ron White. So you've only done one other set and that was the decree in the cave. No, that's how it started. For the past four months, I have been like every single day doing these things. Okay. And what was it that, and so you moved to Austin just to do stand up comedy? No, I have a day job. I'm not like living in my car or none of those like kind of things. I do work. What do you do for work? I run a sign company. What do you mean a sign company? We do like graphics and production for festivals and stuff called molten productions. Okay. They're pretty cool. Okay. Does everyone that works there have a pussy cancer or something? You guys like, how do you all know each other? Well, you know, I am the only woman there. So I am isolated Matt, but everyone is aware of it. Let me ask you one more question that I just thought of because you said you got a skin graft, right? Yeah. So where did they take the skin from that's now on the first inch, the entry point of your pussy? I have to know where did they take the skin on your body from? What is now the entryway to your pussy? This is like an interesting thing because no matter what, if someone puts their dick inside of that, they're going through like, what, here we go. It's another part of my pussy. I think that they understood how men might feel and they grafted from further inside the pussy so that it wouldn't be weird for any of the boys. Wow. That sounds pain. So they didn't use your heel or anything. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yo, this pussy smell like a foot bitch. Yo, this bitch got a stinky foot pussy. Oh, shit. Yo, why the fingernail hanging out that pussy? Could have been your ear or something. You could have heard the dick going in and out somehow, some type of phantom. If I had gotten a dick, they would have taken skin from my thigh. I did find that out in my research though. If you wanted your what? If I had gotten a dick instead of a new pussy. Right. Yes. I know. I looked into it. I was thinking about adding a dick. I was thinking about being too dick Tony over here. Too dick Tony. Yeah. That was going to be my name. I had a big plan and they told me it would hurt so I was out. Well the hog science isn't there. It's only going to be like that big. Let me ask you this. What's your like, what kind of guys are you into? What's the baby daddy? Is he? An anomaly. Yeah. What race is he? White. Oh, geez. You said it like a real racist. Well, okay. So here's the whole thing. Not a ton of the people I've slept with are white. I can tell by the way you're shaped. And I knew that's what you wanted to get to. Yep. No doubt about it. So somebody told me to make that joke when I started comedy. They were like, if you get it out of the way it saves everyone else the trouble. It's true. I helped you at least, right? No, I did it myself. I could have lied. In honor of the guys that love you, you're walking away with a big black joke. Ladies and gentlemen, honey, Donna Wittes has made her Kill Tony debut. Wow. All right. This is a long episode. We're doing one last bucket pull. We're going to get it up and out of here real quick. Demand is as furious. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Luke Rable, everyone. Luke Rable. I got banned from a Mexican restaurant. There were no words on the menu. Just pictures of the food. And I knew this was going to be the best meal of my life. Eat it all, having a good time. And then I feel the rumbling. The gurgle guts are upon me. I stand up and it is detonating. Just bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop. Make my way to the bathroom. I'm dilating. It is time for my metamorphosis. I get in there. I sit down. My butt sneezed. Worst crap and cry of my life. 30 minutes of farting and sobbing. Get up, push the handle. Nothing happens. Push the handle again. Nothing happens. Well, I need to tell someone about this. And based on that menu, they don't speak a lot of English. So I go, El Pano, El Pano. This guy follows me in. I point to it. I push the handle. And down it goes. I invited this poor immigrant to attend a funeral for my shit. Thank you. All right, Lou Grabel. Welcome. I'm going to make this quick because we're in overtime. How long have you been doing stand up? Six months. Six months. What do you do for work? I work full time at a grocery store. OK. Nice. I notice you say grocery store. It's not HEB. Or else you would probably say that because you'd be proud of that, right? It's related to HEB. A lot of winks there. Yes. What does that mean exactly? It means it rhymes with a pentral carcass, but I don't know if I can say it online. Oh, all right, yeah. Yeah. What about that? What do you do at the grocery store? I work in their cafe area, so the people come in, they tell me what they want to eat. I hit a touchscreen. Line cooks make it. I handed to them, and I smile like a good little Chick-fil-A manager the whole time. OK. Yeah. Do you work hard? Or are you a little lazy dog? I have such a guilty conscience. Yeah. Like, if I'm not doing something, I feel like, well, they hate me now. So we're going to go out there, and we're going to make these people write me into their will if I have my way. OK, OK. Well, what made you want to start stand-up six months ago? How old are you? I am 27. 27. What made you want to start now? Well, I moved here from Maryland and grew up in Frostburg, so it's like very small population. And there was a small theater there, and my friend was on the board of directors. And he said, hey, I know you like to do stand-up. Would you be interested in doing a show here? And I said, sure, how long do you need? And he said, well, we need to justify opening the bar, so if you can make it about 45 minutes, that would help us a lot. And you had never done stand-up before? I did it when I was 17 for like a few minutes at a church picnic. Wow. OK, so no. Perfect. Pretty much. Yeah. So I timed out everything I had, and I said, hey, I got two hours. Let's make it happen. So went up there, did a two-hour set. It sold out, so I had 100 people in there, because everyone's desperate for entertainment. How did you sell it out? You just go, I'm doing stand-up. Just put it on Facebook, and it was kind of like, I know this person who knows this person who knows that person. Like everyone's. Frostburg. Yeah, everyone's a third cousin. OK. And then how did that go? It went really well. They were laughing the whole time. We sold out of the alcohol during the intermission. I wore a Hawaiian shirt, and I wore this hat. Wow. That is a wacky hat. There's no back to it. Turn around so that people can see. It's the assless chaps of hats. OK. Is that one of your jokes? You do that? I do that once in a while. If you were doing a two-hour set, would you do that? Yes. OK. What's the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here? The thing that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on the show. Something, perhaps, from your childhood, your family. Anything at all. Based on what I've seen of the show thus far, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that's engaged. OK. You're engaged right now. Yes, I am. OK. Where'd you meet this girl? She was a setup from a mutual friend. I met her in an abandoned parking lot at 9 PM. Last night? Not a little over a year ago. OK. Yeah. 9 PM was very specific. It was dark. Uh-huh. It's not more specific than an abandoned parking lot. There used to be a high school there, but they demolished it for some reason. Yeah. I don't care. What happened when you met her at that parking lot that night, Luke? Well, my friend didn't tell me what she looked like. She didn't send me a picture. So she got out of the car and I thought, OK, not bad for a silhouette. I wonder what this girl's going to look like. So she came over. We started walking around this vacant lot, talking for a little bit. She said she wanted to race me. So both of us take off running. She fell flat on her face. I thought, oh my god. I'm going to marry this girl, aren't I? Wow. Is that one of the jokes you did in that two hours? Yeah. No, that was before I met her. Oh. Wow. Amazing. OK. Luke. All right. Did you guys fuck in that parking lot that night? No. You just kissed? Yeah. Nice. Here you go, Luke. There you go. Thank you. All right. There goes Luke Grable, everybody. Yeah, I tried to get one more up here and make it interesting. You're a sweet boy, Luke. Sign up again sometime. There you go. There he goes, Luke Grable, everybody. If you would have told me that, it would be hard. I would have guessed that was the Mormon guy, right? It's like a sweet boy. We wanted to race. Yeah, we just raced on our first date in an abandoned parking lot. I got to tell you, William has been sick the last couple weeks, but he's back. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Hall of Famer with the record for all time appearances and interviews on this show. The vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, this is the return of William Montgomery. I met her in a dark parking lot, and I fell in love with her. And I killed her in the parking lot. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. There's one down there, but Red Band, I can see that you are doing that right now, with your second ass bitch. I went out to the Middle East to perform for the troops, and it's crazy because I had no idea I had such a big following in the Taliban. One time in Chicago, some guy gave me AIDS. My buddy has a foot... My buddy has a foot fetish, and for Halloween, he dressed up as Quentin Tarantino. He went to a Halloween party, and there was a girl dressed up as Bigfoot, and she ended up pressing charges because he wouldn't leave her alone. Okay! Wow, what a relief to have William Montgomery back. The big red machine is fully operational yet again. You've been out for a few weeks. I was very sick at Tony. It's actually very sad because I messed up my sciatic nerve again, so I haven't been able to row for five days, so we'll see what happens. You love your row machine. You've rowed many miles, almost enough to do. I love it. Around the world, people are saying. Yeah, if that's 1,400 miles, yes. I've been almost around the world. It's incredible. Almost around the world this year. 1,400 fucking miles. Google it, whatever. It's around the world. The circumference of the earth. 1,400 miles. I've done it on the row machine, so it is pretty impressive. I think that's why I messed up my sciatic nerve. I almost got it into the 38-minute time period this past week, and I was almost there. In my last stroke, I pulled. I just did it really hard, and then I felt it. Something pop in my back, and I got up and tried to stretch, and I felt woozy, and it's real hurt. Amazing. And that was recent. That was in the last few days. Yeah, that was Thursday. That was Thursday, but you were out two Mondays in a row. Tell us about this little ailment that you had. God, Tony. I mean, I was coughing a bunch of stuff up, and I was real sick, and Tony, if I'm going to be honest with you, I was pretty sick, but I was also, every now and again, I'm just not feeling very funny. And I hadn't been feeling, I wasn't feeling funny, and now my sciatic nerve's all fucked up, and I'm telling everybody I got fucking AIDS up in fucking Chicago. I mean, it was literally a couple of weeks ago, some dude fucking gives me AIDS up in Chicago, whatever, so that really isn't helping any of the seriously run. I mean, it's bad in my fucking sciatic nerve hurts, and red band looks as stupid as ever, and those plastic-looking clown glasses that you wear, what are those things? They look real plasticky and cheap and stupid. What are those? Yeah, what are those? They're glasses. They're glasses! God, you always sound like a monster to me. But Tony, I did my longest set last night in Louisville, Kentucky. I did 56 minutes. It's the longest I've ever done. I've never done that. It was also in front of maybe the smallest crowd I've done, comedy in front of a while. There's probably 30 people or something, but Tony, I felt real comfortable, so I got to figure that out. I got to figure out how to get that comfortable in front of any size crowd, because I was, I felt good. He had 56 minutes, four more minutes, and I would have hit an hour, but maybe someday. You know, Tony, there was a personal trainer here last week, and he wanted to talk to you really bad, because he said that the rowing that you're doing is really bad for your health, actually. Yeah. Okay. What do you mean? I don't know. He was saying something like it's really bad for you. So what? He wants me to turn out like you're fucking fat ass, man. Yeah. Like, he said it was like fat ass. Guy, soon you fucking idiot. So what? I need to just stop doing the row machine. You fucking nasty person. Seriously, shut up, dumbass. That's part of the reason. I start feeling kind of sick, and I think, God, I'm gonna see fucking Red Band's fucking stupid ass up there, and I swear to God, it tips the scale for me not wanting to be here. I swear to God. I swear to God, Red Band. It tips the scale just so much. Like, if I'm kinda feeling sick, and then I'm thinking about your stupid ass, I think no way. And then I have to call Tony, It's awkward, but it's because of you, Red Band. Wow. You know, a little fun fact is that that, oh, he's a thinking man over here. Oh, poopy butthole mashed potatoes. All right. So, a fun fact about the first two weeks ago when you called out sick for the first time is, I believe it was Michael Gonzalez or somebody sent us a picture of you post-workout that day, which we found interesting. So it kind of- I know, I'm God, I was worried. I was thinking Tony's caught my ass. Yeah, I did. Cause people are like, I don't know why he's sick. Check out this picture of him earlier. And it's crazy because when we met William, I mean, holy shit, he was so bloated and so fast. It was seven years ago. I swear to God, it's almost been seven years I've been doing this show like this week or last week or something, seven years. And I saw this picture of you and you're fucking ripped. Would it be too much? No, no, no, no, I'm not doing it. I'm on two hours of sleep. The abs are unbelievable. You don't have those abs? No. Tony! It's them, they want abs. I'm on two hours of sleep. No, I don't feel good. I still don't feel good. I'm on two hours of sleep. And I'm doing it! Why did you only have two hours of sleep? Because my flight back to Austin was so early. I always tried to get on back to Austin and then I'd just stay up. It was up there 56 minutes. I was so pumped after that. So I stayed awake for hours. What did you do? Boo! What did somebody say? Boo! God! What did you do when you were awake all night? What do you do? You just on your phone? Do you do something in bed? Do you count sheep? What do people want to know? These people have been watching you for almost seven years every week. They see you and they want to know what does a guy like William do while he's laying in bed? We've talked about everything. We've talked about your favorite board games, your favorite puzzles, your favorite snacks, your favorite vegetables. We've covered it all. Oh my God, Tony, you know what have fitted me the other day? What? When you were just talking like that to me. Somebody, I'm talking to somebody up where I do the workout stuff. And I'm talking to this guy and we're having just this regular conversation and out of nowhere he says, do you have a learning disability? Oh yeah, you do. And I just walked away. What would make him ask a question like that? I don't know. I don't know. I've been doing self-reflecting. I don't know. Do I have a learning disability, Tony? I don't know. Red Band's nodding is weird. Of course it does. Your abs. Well, what do you think I have? Because you can't show them your abs because your abs are tired? You can't show your abs right now? Your f- It would just be weird. What if, let me ask you this. Would it make you feel better if Red Band showed his abs first? Oh, look at the little jiggler over here. Come on, look. Troy's got his camera out. This is gonna be a magical moment. Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. The crowd wants it. Red Band. Red Band. Red Band first. No. Stand next to me. Stand next to me. Stand strong with you, man. Come on, come on. Stand next to him. Stand next to me, though. Come on, Red Band. Come on. Yeah, I don't like you either. It can't be worse than what we already have in our imaginations of what your abs would look like. No. No? I'm unshaven right now. Maybe if I... Do you think that matters? I don't know if that's better or worse. Whoa, look at that. Can you just show me a little bit from under the table? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Dude, you might have pussy cancer, bro. All right. William. So nice to be back, Tony. We are so happy that you're back off of two hours of sleep, and yet you did it again. Unbelievable material, sneaky little deliveries and treats, the Chicago AIDS thing in the middle, I love. Just a funny setup and on to the next one. You... I was hoping that was gonna work, because if I couldn't get the beginning part, then I was just saying there are times where then it's a snowball, and then nobody's laughing at any of it. But it was so fun tonight. Tony, thank you so much. Everybody loves William Montgomery, and you did it again, William. Go see him on tour. He's doing his longest sets. The baby boy is all grown up. The Hall of Famer, William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan Jebelt is in, and it's fucking awesome. It's Ron White. That is cool as fuck. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Oh, is that David Tell? Fuck yeah. Another one of the goats, David Tell. One of the best in the world, if not the. Along with the great Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. Catch him on tour. Every once in a great while. Lucky Oklahoma has him on New Year's Eve. Tickets at tatersalad.com. I'll say it again. Ron started this gangster shit in Austin, Texas, and it's gonna be fucking written about in history books. People are making fucking YouTube documentaries from what I understand about Austin every day. So that's a fucking, that's a thing. We're having a blast here. Ron White, and then Joe Rogan, Tony, Segura, Christina P, Duncan Tressel, Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, fucking. It goes on and on. Like it's absolutely crazy. The amount of talent that is here all the time. It's unbelievable. And now you got your Dedrick Flynn added to the mix. It's so exciting to watch everything happen in real time. Shout out to Marcus King who joined the band all night tonight. One more time is brand new album, Darling Blue is unbelievable. I have a copy of it. It's on my vinyl record player right now. It is fucking unbelievable. Thank you to Sean Greenberg and the rest of the best band in the land, Red Band. Check out the sunsetstripatx.com. I love you guys. Very few tickets left for New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. We hear you people say I try to get tickets all the time, but you can't get tickets. Well, you can get tickets for New Year's Eve. Why spend it anywhere else? Come to Austin, Texas, the capital of bars per capita, the live music capital of the world, the live comedy capital of the world. We love you. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.