Pretty Little Episode #72

This is a Head Gum Podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking the layout of each hole when you're playing mini golf. That'll cost you. You confidently potted your ball through the clown's mouth and it went straight into the water hazard. Ouch! Yeah, Checking First is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Social savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. In partnership with Airbnb, let's talk a little bit about travel. Tig, as you know, I'm about to go on my first big tour around the United States. And while I'm traveling in a bus, I want to make sure I get a couple nights in a nice comfy bed that's not on wheels. So I'm going to book a couple nights' stay on Airbnb. That sounds like a plan, May. What area are you looking? Well, I'm going to be in Florida, which I'm very excited about. And I'd love to find somewhere with a hot tub or a sauna that I can relax in. Maybe some nice nature nearby, like a big park or something. I love finding a home on Airbnb because I know I can get the place all to myself and I can read tons of reviews and make sure it's a great place. Airbnb also has guest favorites badges that show me the highest rated and most loved homes. I've just never gone wrong booking one of those. You know I swam with sharks in Florida? Is that something you would ever try? I hadn't thought about that. But if I'm near the ocean, then who knows? Maybe I will. On the other hand, if I find a really nice place on Airbnb, I may just never want to leave. Pretty little episode. Welcome to a very pretty little episode of the Very Handsome Handsome Pod. I'm Mae Martin. I'm with? You are. Mae, you're with Tig. No, Tarot. Yeah, I am. That's who I am. You know, I want to make sure to not forget this, but I was with Stephanie and a friend of ours having coffee recently. And this woman who must have been 9,000 years old, walking with a cane, walked past us, wrapped me on the shoulder and said, I know who you are, little girl. Little girl? Yes. Oh my God. And I thought, but at first I thought it was little lady. And I thought, does she listen to the podcast? And I was like, she doesn't. There's no world. There's no world. Oh my God. I mean, truly barely moving with her cane and she had somebody assisting her. Maybe she didn't even, maybe I was the wrong person. But it was, it was quite amusing. Can you imagine? Very endearing. Going up to a man and going, I know who you are, little boy. It just wouldn't happen. Well, I'm going to do it now. Yeah, please do. Yeah. How's it going, Mae? It's going all right, thanks. I guess this is coming out start of the new year. I'm eating a Honeycrisp apple or I've paused for the pod, but I'm about halfway through. And wait, remind me. Have you always enjoyed an apple crisp? Well, is it Honeycrisp? Honeycrisp. Honeycrisp. And when I, I was getting groceries and I usually go Fuji and then I had your voice in my ear going, Mae, like your classic, when you really want me to absorb a piece of like, you go, Mae, let me tell you Honeycrisp. And I was like, I'm doing it. And they're delicious. They're so sweet. They're unreal and so crisp. Yeah. So crisp. Yeah, we just got, we got five new Honeycrisps here at the Notaro Allen. An abundance of riches. Well you would think except Max and Finn eat apples all the time. So that'll last us about in Tor tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. They'll be gone. I've been, I mean, maybe I would talk about this on a full episode as well, but you know, I failed my driving test. You did? I did take and Mae, I know. And I am so annoyed at myself for telling everyone in the world on the podcast, the date of the test, telling everyone in my life and everyone is saying to me, there is no way you're going to fail. This is, and it's the easiest DMV in LA. It's like, I don't even have to parallel park and I fucking failed. What did you fail? Well, so the problem started with my driving instructor who's 75 and he were, were at the DMV and he likes to chat and I'm lined up waiting like I'm about 20 minutes away from taking the test and he's showing me on his phone this movie that he was in as an actor in 1975. Okay. Mussolini's last act. And so I'm trying, I'm kind of trying to focus. I'm like, okay. So what are they going to test me on again? He's like, I have a line coming up. I'm about to arrest Mussolini and then no, yeah. And in the movie, they've edited in like real footage of the second world war and Mussolini's execution. So I'm looking at real dead bodies. I'm about to do the test and I was going, Robert, I can't do this right now. He was like, all right, all right. Well, just wait here. I'm coming up again. You can, that's me there. No, Robert. So then it starts Robert's fault. Well, he's my, I'm not going to blame Robert. It was. I was. I am going to blame someone else. You can't show somebody a dead body and then expect them to parallel park. Thank you. You're welcome. So my, my examiner comes, Robert gets out of the car, examiner gets in. Examinator. Is that a word? I don't think that's a word. That sounds very Arnold Schwarzenegger. Examinator. Yeah. The tester? The examiner. Thomas, please. I feel like you're just leaving us wondering. Watching us. Examinator. Examinator. Oh, I like examiner. Yeah, that's better. So I'm like visibly nervous and shaky and it's like all my skills just go out the window, but I was doing really well and everything was good until I turn on, he says turn right. I turn onto like a bigger street and almost immediately. One off a cliff. Yeah. And almost immediately I go off a cliff. I crawl out of the wreckage. So I turn, he says, merge left. I do my checks. I look in the mirror. There's no one behind me. And I guess I sort of slowed down a bit, but in the time that it took me to turn from my blind spot and then I start merging, someone pulled out behind me and went into the left lane and accelerated and I almost hit them and the examiner had to grab my wheel. And May, you need to stay home. I know. This doesn't sound safe for anybody. I think it was my reaction to an unsafe driver was not. Mm hmm. I was. Well, I was going to say out of the gate, whether you're taking your test or you're just a person trying to get from point A to point B, being nervous and shaky driving. Yeah. It's probably not going to go well. I know. And I was like, and I kept saying to him, I'm so nervous, which didn't help. And and then after that happened, so it was like a big dramatic, like he grabbed the wheel and I went, whoa. And I went, oh, never done that before. I don't usually have that happen. And then I, the whole rest of the test, I was like, am I going to fail? I'm going to fail this. Surely. And then we get back and he goes, so that was an immediate disqualification. And I just start balling in the car. I start crying. Oh, no. And then old Robert gets back in the car. He's going, hey, you passed. You definitely passed, right? And he said, I said, no, Robert, I failed. And he said, well, I've only had two people ever fail. I've been teaching driving for 40 years. And I said, oh, cool. He said, two people, you and you and one other person who didn't get their driver's license. And I said, well, what happened to him? He said, well, he passed away before he could take the test. You're the only surviving failure. Yes. Oh my God. Well, that's something to celebrate. Yeah, you're surviving. I'm surviving out here. And it's hard out here. It did deliver you a wonderful story. That's true. So there's that. I'm retaking it on Christmas Eve. You know, it should probably happen is me, fortune and Thomas should probably be in the car with you. During the test. Yes. And be like, turn, turn, turn, honk. Who's that? Slow down. Well, I have faith that you'll you'll get it this time around. I'll be way less nervous. Now, did you have like all of those signs that say like student driver all over the car? And yes, this that would be such a delight to see go past is May Martin driving a car. Oh, my God, to see student driver go off a cliff. Anyway, God, I just wish I hadn't told everyone in my life because everyone was going. It is a piece of piss in LA. This is no problem. You got this. And then I had everyone texting me and I got people on Instagram and listen to the pod going, let's let's see the license. I think it's great. And also piece of piss. I've never heard that. Yeah, British. Yes. Yes. Yeah, a piece of piss. I like that one. I learned I've learned a couple of things from the cadets on the Starfleet Academy that I'm on. Are yeah. Yeah, because they're a lot younger and they use certain terms that where I'm like, wait, I'm sorry, what did what did you say? Yeah. One of the things I learned, which I'm sure you've heard because I'm just sure is baddie. Have you heard? Not like somebody's cuckoo baddie, but like, like BADD, IE or BADDY. Have you heard of that? Yeah, like a badass. It's like, oh, you're a, yeah, oh, they're a baddie. Not like a not actually bad, but very cool. Like hot and cool. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Okay. Do you like that? I sure it's fine. I don't feel one way or the other. I was just like, when Stephanie and I were going to bed last night as we were dosing off, I said, have you heard of BADDY? And she was like, yeah. But she meant baddie like cuckoo. Like an old lady who says hello, little girl. I know you little girl. I mean, all I have gray hair and yellow teeth and wrinkles, but yes, it's me. Little tiny, little tiny tig. But okay, I know you too, baddie. Old baddie. Old bad. Old baddie. Anyway, well, you're going to do it, kid. Thanks. I've been practicing every day since the test and I'm really just focusing on merging. Should we get into questions since that's why we've met up today? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. Hey, handsome. This is Hannah. Um, I have an advice question for you because you said that you love those. So what would you do if you have two friends that are dating and one of them is cheating on the other for context? They're both in their mid thirties. They've been dating for like five years and they're about to move in together. And it was not a one time cheat. It's been consistent for like nine months with someone who's around a lot. Whoa. Listen. As someone who's been cheated on and I say you say to the cheater, if you don't tell your partner, I'm going to tell them in one week. So I'd say you got one week to do this before I tell them because you're ever had to do that. Uh, no, actually. Yeah. And I've, I've cheated on people too, but not when I'm like about to move in with someone and like, like sometimes at the end of a relationship that gets a little messy crossover when you're sort of one foot out the door. But man, when you're about to embark on a big life step, that's such a choice. Yeah. I'm in a similar, but not exact situation where somebody that, uh, I've drifted from. I know that her very best friend is talking out of both sides of her mouth. Um, and has said some not great things about this person and like a, and a really interesting way. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's so complicated because you drifted from the original person. Uh-huh. So is there anything that the best friend is saying that even though you're morally like this is gross that you're talking shit, you're like, I do concur. Oh, I do concur, but the best friend is not acting, not acting like they have those feelings or thoughts or have said anything disparaging at all. And I'm like, wow, wow. But, um, What a weirdly like out of alignment way to be living. Like, yeah. So would you, are you going to say something to the friend? I've thought about reaching out to the friend and just saying, you know, I feel like you've confided in me and, um, your actions don't line up with. What you've shared with me. Yeah. And, um, what do you say about that? Yeah. You know, um, I have it written out already. It's just when do I press send? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. It's a complicated thing, but I do, I do think it's worth, um, handling. I do too. I, yeah. When I lived in England and I was dating like a closeted person for three and a half years and we were in our twenties and everybody's a mess in their twenties. And our friend group was all a mess. And, you know, so I don't hold onto it. But when I look back, I think everyone knew that we were together and no one called her out on it. No one privately said, Hey, we know you're with me and this is weird. Like everyone just was too polite to like, it's not my business. And I think it's worth calling people out. It also feels like something you can't ride to the end, but you have to make the attempt because when you think about what I want that for myself, I most certainly would. And, um, and so I just mean like, I don't know if it's a world where you can continue to follow up with that person and say, you got to make things right. You know, but I think you can put in your best attempt. And if that doesn't work, then you might have to move on to the direct victim. I guess always weighing up like how much drama in my own life is this going to cause? And is it, you know, is there a way to mitigate that? You could also sneak in a question around that person of like, you know, I feel like most people would say, yeah, I'd want to know the truth, but like at least get that information. Yeah. You know, yeah, like, or even make it about you. Like be like, I would always want to know. Yeah. Yeah. You. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck, Hannah. For the record, if you ever, you got to just tell me and call me out of my shit. I'll do the same. Mm hmm. So you'd want to know. I'd want to know if I was being cheated on or talked about. Yeah. Yeah. I think people, I think it's fair. You can, you know, let off steam and complain about somebody or whatever. That's part of. Yeah. It's like when I hire somebody, when I'm like, look, I'm going to know you to know and you're going to annoy me. And I'm, you know, I'm not going to like like slander your character. Yeah. If I do, it'll be privately to my wife. Yeah. Yeah. Like I have my two best friends, Gabby and Nicole. Like we, our whole, we've been best friends since we were 13 and our whole friendship is like, if I'm with Gabby, we're talking about Nicole. If I'm with Nicole, we're talking about Gabby. When they're together, they're talking about me, but it's all with so much love, but it's like. Yeah. It's like people are going to talk about you. But, um, yeah. Anyway, well, let's hear what Hannah, Hannah has to say. Yeah. So to answer this question, I mean, I haven't decided what to do, but part of me wants to give him an ultimatum and say, listen, you got to tell your partner before she moves in, before she uproots her life from her neighborhood. And you got to tell her, or I will. Yeah. But also the easier route is to do nothing. The secret's weighing on me. Anyways, I'm excited to hear your response. Thank you. See, that's why it's not the easier route because it's weighing on her. Yeah. It is not the easier route. Yeah. And, oh my God, what, it's not going to stop here. Like what happens two years in and they're getting married. Yeah. They invite you over for dinner or something. You're going to sit there with them. Like, like it's just, it's not easier. Anyway. And all, obviously every situation is different and people can chime in and be like, well, I did this and this happened. And this is just a general sense. Like it's just not going to get easier if that's going on. I mean, if you're really worried about your friendship with this guy, then you could do an anonymous thing. You could say, I'm like a concerned party and you need to, yeah, you could just write a note that says, I know what you did last summer. I actually just came up with the best fix. Oh, hit me. Let your friend hear this episode. Yes. Oh God. And maybe we'll, we'll disguise the voice. So it's, yeah. Yeah. Should we hear it? Do we have time for one more? Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do a little guy. Hi. My name is Mara. I'm a pretty little lady outside Washington, DC. And I was calling to ask for some advice. Great. I am coming out of one of the hardest years I have had in the last 20 years. And I know all three of you have had like famously very difficult stretches. So the advice I am hoping for is. What do you do to mark for yourself that you're done, like that you have gotten through something and that you can move on? Thank you. Great question, I think. What, what, what do you have to say? Well, I kind of think the moment you know you're done is when rather than like, you know, a new horrible surprise, like ripping you apart, it is comical to you because there's just, you've famously had that feeling of like, are you kidding me? And I think that shows you've reached a point of real resilience. But then in terms of marking it, like, I always feel like that's tempting fate because then other bad stuff could happen. So rather than be like, I'm finished having calamity and being sad. I just think just every moment, remember, it's you could completely, everything could change in a moment in a positive way. Like just trying to maybe get a tattoo. I don't know. Yeah, get a hot dog on your nose. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, I don't know if this is really great. But, you know, I know for myself, I used to, um, I'd have PTSD on every year that came up, I'd be like, this is when I first started to feel off. This is when this happened. This is when I got the call about this. This is when I got this call. This is when I was in the hospital. You know, it just was like, because it was such a short period of time, I kept like, I was, I could tell you every day, every moment, every month that everything happened. And then it was really wild where kind of the best and biggest marker was when I wasn't marking anything anymore. Oh, that's so nice. Where I was like, I got through March and April and May and June and I just, I was like, I didn't even, I didn't even remember. Yeah. Like, I, you know, it just, it was such a freeing feeling and, and I, I carry that with me every year. It's like those months are coming. You know, March was the last time I felt even remotely normal. Um, and then, and, and it, because my birthday's in March, it was a little bit of a bummer because my mother died a couple of days later and, um, it just was heavy and, and now I'm like, how about that? I'm not, I'm not marking anything. I'm just going along. Yeah. Yeah. So that, that not marking anymore was the biggest marker that I could hope for. That's really true. And when you're not counting days, like how long it's been since, and, and when you're, and when you start, I mean, and this is different to like a health thing or, but for me, it's usually a big breakup or something. Like when you finally get bored of yourself talking about it and I, I'm really investing also in, and this is probably shitty for the friends who've counseled me all through this, but I'm, I'm like, I want to also spend time with people who are not inside the situation or who are, you know what I mean? And I'm talking about fresh things or just, yeah. And I don't know if it was you or the podcast or a friend, but you know, it's also so helpful when you, it sounds cliche, but it's true. But when you help other people and you're feeling terrible, 100% unreal, what that does, unreal. And I'm so lucky. I love my job. So like, like I did like a charity show at Largo the other night for the LA mission, it was just like, Oh yeah, there's, yeah. Yeah. So when you turn the attention away from yourself and, and try and help others, especially in those moments, it kind of gives you that perspective and clarity. And that's what I think. Especially around the holidays too. So many people are struggling, get out there and you can volunteer or. Jingle your bells. Jingle your little bells around the town. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This was a really, this, I felt like I needed this today. This was a really nice little episode. Thanks, Tig. Yeah. Thank you, May. Thanks, Thomas. Thanks to Thomas. Thanks listeners. May, thanks, Tig. I am getting ready for this tour, this big tour that's like 47 shows now. So there's still tickets that's, it's selling fast though, but I particularly need to sell tickets in Houston. February 27th, I'm in Houston at Cullen Performance Hall and Dallas as well. So check out maymartin.net. Come see me. I'm going to be doing stand up. I might do a couple of songs and I might have an improviser with me and do some improv. It's going to be like a, like a whole evening of ridiculousness. Amazing. Yeah. How about you? I'm going on my tour in the new year and gosh, where will I be? February 20th, Oklahoma City. I will also be in Midland, Texas. February 21st, Texas folk, come on out. You can also catch me in on March 12th, Charleston, West Virginia. March 14th, Chattanooga, Tennessee. And there's so many other dates. April 26th, Red Bank, New Jersey. Go to tignotaro.com. Also, if you still haven't seen, come see me in the good light. It is the documentary about Andrea Gibson and Meg Falley on Apple TV. And keep submitting your questions to us and your request for advice. I like that. Um, to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. And yeah, until next time. Oh, and rain review, rain review and, uh, and, uh, subscribe. Also, check out our YouTube. Yeah, please. Until next time. Keep it. Keep it. Pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feamster, Tignotaro and May Martin. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Wulett. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media. At handsome pod. That was a hate gun podcast.