I’ve Been Cheating on My Pregnant Fiancée for Years

I have been cheating on my fiance for all of our relationship which is been about three years. Does she know? Does she know about your affairs? Yes. Okay. Does she know the full extent? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloni Show talking about your marriage, your dating life, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life where you found I'm struggling and I don't know the next right move. That's what we're here. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure it out together. Let's go out to Perry Hall, Maryland and talk to Joe. What up, Joe? Hi Dr. John. How are you, brother? I am nervous. All the words. All the words. Well, man, I'm glad that you're here, brother. Take a big deep breath, dude. I have been cheating on my fiance for all of our relationship which is been about three years and we are now expecting twins and it has blown up and we don't know how to move forward. Hmm. Well, I want to applaud you for coming out and just saying it, taking ownership, man. That tells me that you're actually interested in what's the next right thing to do, right? Yes, sir. Yeah. Does she know? Does she know about your affairs? Yes. Okay. Does she know the full extent? Yes. All of it. All of it. Okay. How far along is she in her pregnancy? About a month. Okay. She'll are four weeks in, eight weeks pregnant. Where are you? I would say four weeks pregnant. Okay. So ask me a specific question how I can help, man. We all just sitting there in the ash of a burned-down house and what do we do now? Yeah, I've been, I've actually found your show about four weeks ago when this all blew up. And yeah, I've actually signed up for better health and I've been talking to a therapist for that amount of time and found that I've been lying to myself and having dysfunctional pathological lying, habitual lying and trying to get out of that. So I believe I'm taking the next right step. It's just trying to, I want to give you a little bit of a timeline, this kind of all blew up in September 19th and I had the largest, like the worst wake-up call ever that this is wrong. So that time was when I I just say it, man. I ended up, she works for a government agency that I can't name. And so she has, you know, she gets thoroughly background checked and because I am with her, I also get thoroughly checked. So that being said, I applied for the Secret Service and had done all the things and had gotten to the point of the polygraph, took the polygraph and admitted to a lot of things in that polygraph. And on the night, I think it was either the 19th or before I knew she was about to go into her meeting for her security clearance and I knew that they were going to discuss me. And so I called her two days before then and I told her what happened. Why'd you call her instead of showing up in person? I, I am not entirely sure except that I knew that I needed to say it. We're all in different parts of the country right now. No, sir. We live probably about 30 minutes away. And we weren't hurt, we've got a lot. All right, so you disclosed this two days out? Yes. Okay. And obviously it all blew up but when I disclosed to what I disclosed, I only disclosed a fraction of it. Okay. And so about, you know, it blew up about four weeks later. More, more came out because she got access to everything and was looking through everything and yeah. And as you know, she asked me the questions and I sold to her the truth. And then about the real and then after that happened, she, she had a, she got really upset. She had a, she has a brain condition and she had a massive seizure because of the stress on her body and she was technically dead for three hours. And her best friend and texted me that that was what going on and that was my, that was my wake up call of this needs to stop. Yeah. So what is, um, what is cheating get you? Because it's, it's solving a problem in your life. What is it? Yeah. It was, uh, now that I've been the therapy, I believe it was because I was coping with, not being happy with myself and feeling appreciated and, you know, using porn and whatever else it was, um, made me feel good for a little bit. And so that was my coping mechanism. I don't know that it made you feel good as much as it distracted you or made you feel numb from not liking this guy in the mirror. Okay, sir. And so the strange thing about not liking the guy in the mirror or, or feeling dead in your own skin is the world we have. And bro, I'm trained as a therapist, right? Like I get that. That's my whole world. And the path to you becoming a man that you respect for the first time in your life, is doing the next right thing. Action. This, sir. And it may cost you your, I mean, your, your, your relationship with this woman may be over. You getting the dream job you want may not happen at this moment in your life. It will one day, but not today. I guess what I tell you is, because the coming a man that you respect so that others can anchor into you, which is what our world desperately desperately needs is going to come with a halacious amount of accountability here. Yes, sir. All right. Or as Paul Thomas Anderson once famously wrote, you may be through with the past, but the past may not be through with you. Yes, sir. And I want you to, I'm telling you that to let you know, the relief you feel that you finally put everything out on the table, that, that it will get hard again. And it will get really hard again, right? And that doesn't mean it's not the wrong path. In fact, that is 100% the path is walking through it. Right? Yes, sir. So the, I guess the elephant in the room is, does she still want to be with you? Obviously, this is way more complicated now that you have twins coming. Yeah. She's, we've talked about it. And I've expressed my, obviously, I want to still be with her, and I want to take responsibility, you know, for everything I've done and also for the children coming. Well, let's separate those real quick. Okay. Okay. Anytime somebody has that sense and it has been there for a long, long, long time of feeling dead inside. One of the things they don't ever want to do is hurt somebody, which makes their actions cheating on somebody, hiding money, lying. It makes those things seem even more insane. But my guess is you don't, everyone, I hurt this woman. Is that fair? Yes, sir. Okay. I want you to be super, super clear that your pursuit of her, your repursuit of her is not in an effort to take away her pain. Because you feel real bad, right? Yes, sir. Okay. I want to make sure that you have decided I want to wake up every day for the rest of my life and choose to love this woman so recklessly. Let I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that she knows on a minute by minute, hour by hour, year by year basis that she is safe and loved. And if you can't make that commitment right now, don't. I can and I do. Okay. That's a big commitment because here's why you've never done that before. Yes, sir. And so you're going to have to give yourself a dump truck load full of grace moving forward. Because you're entering into a thing that you want to do and you don't know how to do it. You don't know what it feels like to do it. And you have a an allergy to discomfort, to boredom, to the mundane, right? Yes, sir. And that is life. And so cool. If you say you're all in awesome, you're going to show up for your kids, right? You're going to do that. But are you going to show it for her? Yes. Okay. I don't want the weight of that statement, that commitment to go unnoticed. You should have felt a squat bar on your back. Just go whom with a whole bunch more weight on it. Okay. Because becoming somebody that another person can anchor into till death, do you part, takes responsibility. Yes, sir. Okay. It's the responsibility that more and more and more men need to take, but it is a responsibility. Okay. So my guess is neither of y'all are in a place to make. Here's what we do next. Because it's still to everything's still too fresh. She almost died. The guy she was going to marry, she found out was a fraud. Oh, and you're having twins. On top of having a neurological condition, which is going to be a whole different kind of pregnancy, right? Yeah. It's just a lot. So she's probably operating on a minute by, oh, by the way, the government shut down, which that's great. So she's on a minute by minute. So what did she told you about rebuilding this thing from the bedrock up? Obviously, we established that, you know, all that I took care of all the apps, all the things that I was doing Instagram, Facebook, like, you know, they're gone. You deleted. They're off. Oh, not this ad. I went and I took the account. I took the lead the account. Then I deleted them out of my phone. Great. And I'm the whole nine yard because I was using, I was misusing all kinds of apps. Okay. So, so here's the thing. I want you to continue to go back to her on a week by week basis for the first two or three months. Okay. And say, you get to decide what rebuilding trust looks like and I will walk the path you laid before me. I want you to make that a weekly ritual. And she will probably say, I don't want to be your mother. I don't know even. And then when she says that, I want you to say, that's totally cool. When you are ready, I'm here. And here's the things I've done in the meantime. I'm on week four with everything off my phone. Here is my phone unlocked if you want to see it. By the way, the passcode to my phone is X, Y, or Z. Yeah. By the way, I've pulled my credit report. Here is everything I owe. I want you to see that I'm a person of character. Because I am going to rebuild this from the floor up. And my hope is over time, she begins to say, and here is, I've been to counseling this many times. I am in the gym. I am, I hear the things affirmatively I am doing not to win her back. But to become somebody that is trustworthy that she can anchor into. And every time you fudge something, you kind of bend the truth a little bit, you're going to stop, you're going to call her and say, you asked if I was headed straight home and I said, yes, actually I'm stopping to get coffee and then I'm going to come straight home. I'm going to be 100% honest with you. And you're going to have to practice when you do via left or right. You been doing it for so long. You're going to have, you're going to slip and fall. You're going to go through the shame, go through the guilt. You're going to go boom, I'm going to call you right back. And this is how I'm going to practice being a person of integrity. And at the end of this path, she still may say, I don't want to be with you. There still may be lingering consequences. And part of being a person of integrity is if you do this for a year and you come to the realization that I don't want to be with you romantically long term, you have to be a person of character that puts that on the table. I'm going to hurt you again. My hope is that doesn't happen, but this is integrity. It's whole. It's the root word is integer whole. But she gets to decide the path moving forward. And if she chooses to take you back, then she has a responsibility to practice being less emotionally reactive to give you a path back and to not beat you up 24, 7, 3, 6, 5, 4. Like as part of y'all coming back together, but right now you own the cleanup. You blew the house to smithereens, you own the cleanup. And she gets to tell you which part of the yard you're going to start cleaning up first. Slow, steady, step by step by step. And by the way, go to every single appointment, every single OBGYN appointment, every single doctor's appointment, because you also are going to be a dad who freaking shows up. I'm going to go to I'm going to take off work. You're going to, well, if you leave, you're getting your fired fine. I quit because these kids that aren't even born yet are more important. I will be a dad who shows up. And in so doing, you're going to show her that you're a guy who shows up. And in so doing, you're going to prove to yourself the person you absolutely burned from the inside out on the steel. You're going to prove to yourself, I'm a man who shows up. I'm a man who can weather the truth. I'm a man who is going to do things in my life. I'm going to play music. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to get a hobby. I'm going to get a side hustle. I'm going to be a guy who doubles and triples and quadruples down on the woman in my life, because I'm a guy who doesn't let myself get dead in my own skin. And that is a choice that we make. And so you've been using apps as a numbing device as a drug. You're going to have to backfill that with positive activities, positive action. I'm going to start serving in my local community. I'm going to become involved. I'm going to become a man that I respect when I look at him in the mirror. Not who's perfect, but who is working grinding to do the next right thing. And then maybe she'll consider re-enching into you. You got a long road to hoe, but listen, I'm proud of you for saying I take ownership. And ownership comes at a cost, but it is the next right move. Call me anytime, brother. I'll walk with you. And if she wants to call, I'm happy to talk to her too. You got a long path ahead of you, man, but you're taking the right step. Keep going. We come back, a woman asks how to get sober when her husband has no interest in getting sober himself. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, as we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do, all the past hurts and pains, along with all the past guilt and shames, all of it. When the world feels heavy, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and even consider not carrying it into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff, help you set it down and move forward with clarity so you can focus on the new year. And if you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers on the planet and they're trusted by millions of people around the world with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of five. It's all online, so it's easy to fit in your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist that fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. You can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Visit BetterHelp.com-slash-delony for 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp-H-E-L-P.com-slash-delony. All right, Huntsville, Alabama. Right down the street from me. Let's go to Destiny. What's up, Destiny? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. How are you, lady? I'm making it day by day. There we go. There we go. What's up? So, I'm struggling with staying sober when there's alcohol around me constantly because my husband has no interest in getting sober or being sober. Tell me about your sobriety journey. How'd you get here? We started when we met. We bonded over drinking. And then as the year's gone on, it's just gotten heavier and heavier. And I've been trying to quit for the past. Probably two to three years and I always find myself going back to it, fall at like I have no willpower when it comes down to the end of the day. Well, I mean, that's step, that's right at the top of AA, right? I'm powerless. Yeah, I haven't actually attended any AA or anything like that. How are you trying to get sober? Just whitenuckling the crap out of it? Basically, yeah. All right, I'm going to tell you you're going to fall over every time trying to do that. Yeah. Are you really ready to get sober? Are you just tired of being drunk? I'm ready to be sober. Okay. And I'm asking you that question because when it comes to a spouse who has no interest in helping his wife get healthy in whole, you're going to have some real hard choices to make. But the first choice is I really want to get sober because I'm worth feeling loved and alive in my own body. Yeah, it's taken some time to get to that point to where now I just get to figure out how. Okay, tonight you go to your first meeting. Okay. And tomorrow morning you get up and go to your meeting again. And here's what you're going to prove to yourself. A, you are indeed powerless. B, alcohol has been serving a role in your life. It's actually been helping you. And we got to get to the true thing your body is trying to navigate. And it might be an unsafe husband. And three, you're going to prove to yourself. I'm serious about this this time. Yeah, I always tell myself I'm serious. And then... I know. I know. I know. I think you really want to want to do this. Yeah. I've never in my life. That's not true. Maybe a couple of times. But almost never have I met somebody who really struggles with alcohol, who likes the struggle. Yeah. So you say I want to quit. I want to go get sober. They'll tell you at AA, it will... It... don't underestimate the cost. I wonder... I think sometimes I wonder what the relationship is going to be like. 100% different. And so if you're trying to preserve the relationship as it is and do this other thing, the homeostasis of the relationship that's in the dorky way, the gravitational pull of the way things just are, is going to win the day every time. Because you're going to have four weeks of sobriety and then your husband's going to yell at you. You're going to have four weeks of sobriety and he's going to come home drunk again, pawn at you. Or you're going to have four weeks of just whitenuckling it. And then you're going to get in trouble at work. And your body is going to reach for the only thing it knows to take the pain away. And it's surrounding you in your own house. Yeah, so I mean, I've heard you say like, if you're trying to get sober from alcohol, you pour it all out of your house or make it all out of your house. That's just step one. That's just that is not even step one. That is step zero. Yeah, and then it's brought back in daily, even though like I can ask, I can say, hey, yeah, can we do this together or can you only get the amount that you will drink? So I'm not tempted because I'm probably not going to go out and get it. But if there's not any extra, I'm less tempted to do it. And that's your story on this side of sobriety. And I get that story makes sense to you and I applaud it because you're trying to hang on to something, you're trying to hang on to a ghost, which is a, that we have a good marriage. And I think deep down, you know that you don't. Yeah. Is that fair? I think things could be better. Yeah, that's fair. Okay. Is your husband safe? Yeah, he's safe. Okay. The only other conversation I would challenge you to have with him is not about drinking. But it's about a wife sitting down, courageously vulnerable in front of her husband and saying, I'm feeling myself die. And I've got to make some changes in my life. Will you do this with me? Will you help me feel safe in our house? And he might say no. And that's different than when you stop drinking. Yeah. But you can't even say, I miss the old us. I miss you because you don't even know the guy. You know, 17 beers in guy. Yeah. Or maybe you do know guy who's it's 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning, he hasn't started drinking yet. And that guy's not great. Maybe he is. Maybe he's wonderful. Yeah, I mean, he has his days like when, you know, like if he hadn't started drinking yet and we get along and we're great and we have a good day. And then sometimes he's just when he's not drinking, he's quiet and walled up and we don't talk. Right. No, we're just, you know, and then he'll get a few drinks in and his move changes. He's happier. Yeah, of course, it's a social lubricant. Yeah. Like you said it perfectly, it helps spring the walls down so that we can be the person that we imagine ourselves wanting to be instead of dealing with why are we having to build walls around ourselves anyway? Yeah. And that's a hard, scary path to take. But so bright is hard. But how do you get sober when your husband has no interest in getting sober? You, A, fully commit. This is a path I'm going to take. And B, you've got to get some support around you, which is why I'm a fan of, A, why I'm a fan of recovery groups. Well, I'm a fan of other people getting involved because you can't just cut off the thing that's propping you up, which is alcohol and you especially can't just disconnect yourself from your husband overnight and expect everything to go smooth. Yeah. Every demon you, every demon you have will come screaming and howling at you in the middle of night and the middle of the day. That makes sense. So the question number one is do you actually want to get sober this time? Yeah. Okay. I deserve it. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. There we go. There we go. And so, I'm going to go to a meeting tonight. You're going to go to the stupid meetings every day? Yes, I am. At least for the first 90 days I am. You don't need a sponsor. We're not even alcoholics. We don't drink too much. I need some help. And they're going to tell you step one is not step one. There's 12 steps, but they're going to tell you you got to get rid of all the alcohol and you're going to have to change environments. You can't be around people who are doing that. Especially not forever, but especially right now. Yeah. I mean, we really only drink at home. Yeah, but is that as that financial? We don't actually like we don't go out and party or anything. In some ways that makes it worse. Because if you only drink at parties, you only drink at bars. You still have the safety and security of your home. If you only drink at home, that means those rattlesnakes live there. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. If you told me I only do drugs at parties, I would be like sweet. Just don't go to parties. But when you're like, no, I only get myself in trouble. I only become somebody. I don't need to protect myself from. I only do that at home. That's tough. It's tough to change that environment, right? Yeah. Especially when you're all by yourself. It is possible. It's going to be infinitely harder. But you're on the right track with, I deserve this. My son needs a fully present mom. Even if she has two or three or four years of stumbling and grinding through, why was alcohol the only way I could get through my life? Your son desperately needs a plugged in dad who doesn't need three or four drinks to be able to exhale and smile in hugged son. But you can't do that for him. You can only do it for you. So step one, go to a meeting tonight. Step two, go to a meeting in the morning. And they're going to give you a road map. Sign up for a sponsor as soon as you possibly can. And tell your husband, I want my home to be a safe place. I'm not going to tell you to stop drinking because I can't. I can't make you do that. But I am telling you, I want this to not be a part of my life anymore. And my prayer is, it's not a part of our life. I deserve it. He deserves it. And God help you, your son deserves it. Today's day one, Destiny. Day one for real. I'm proud of you. You get that 30 day chip and you call me back. Maybe we'll talk to your husband at the same time. I'll walk with you. Day one, proud of you, sister. We come back, a woman asks, how can she repair her marriage and her finances when her husband keeps having all of these business dreams? That are setting everybody back. All right, let me tell you about Halo, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. All right, you'll know this. My life is chaotic. I'm a speaker. I'm a writer. I do this show. And most importantly, I'm a husband and I'm a dad. And I listen to the daily gospel on Halo almost every morning in the car on the way to work. It helps me pause, breathe, and settle in to time. Breathe, and settle in to timeless truth and wisdom. It's become the non-negotiable start to my day. It's a reset button for my head and my heart. And sometimes at night, I'll put on one of Halo's sleep meditations or a nighttime devotional. Halo has daily devotional and thoughtful meditations about prayer and leading a spiritual life all in one place. It's become my go-to app. And here's the bottom line. Halo helps me make space for peace. So if you want to anchor your day in the spiritual truth and wisdom and get ultimate peace, check out Halo. Right now when you sign up at Halo.com slash Deloney, they'll give you three months of the app for free. Go check it out. That's Halo, H-A-L-L-L-O-W. dot com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, let's go to Chicago, Illinois, and talk to Nicole. What's up, Nicole? Hi. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for, thanks for hopping on this morning. What's up? How can I help? So I wrote down my questions that I don't kind of phrase it the wrong way. So how do I move forward when my husband's business dream keeps setting us back? Who, tell me about that. Well, it's, it's not only like relational between us. It's financial, it's emotional, it's physical. It's all intertwined. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, it's all intertwined. So my husband and I have been together for 15 years, where high school sweetheart, we've been married for eight. Rose and awesome. And we have two kids under five. And since I've known my husband, he has this, he's always had this very entrepreneurial spirit, where like self-employment working for himself was always the goal. And he kind of did like a side gig when we were in college. And it was great for extra money, but we decided it wasn't going forward as a full-time thing. There was just not a lot of longevity there. Okay. So he decided to, you know, get the degree, take on a full-time job. He was doing really well there and actually had hopes of being a partner in the company someday or being part of that ownership. And that leadership role and unfortunately things took a turn. And they were brought out by somebody different. And yeah, yeah, it goes downhill from there. So then my husband faces some emotional setback. Yeah. And kind of has this quarter life crisis for better lack of better words. Did he get fired or just, there's just a stop sign. Like you're not going any further. Right. There was a stop sign of like you're not going any further. It was bought out by a different corporation. And the latter that he thought was there had been ripped out from under him. Perfect. Okay. So he was putting all of his time and energy into building something with them for it to be taken away. Okay. So he stayed with them for a while to see how it would go. And they, on several occasions, told them, you're so great. We're so wonderful. But this is going to be it. Perfect. This is where you're at. You can be here for as long as you want to be here. But you're not climbing anymore. Perfect. And so that did not fit well with him, obviously. And I understood that. So he kind of went back to, well, why don't I revisit the self-employment thing? And so now we're at about nine months of him being completely self-employed. If we were working the baby steps, we had been working them for a long time. In the heart of baby step two. And the people listening, you all made a commitment to. Right. To not only money anymore money to get out of debt. Yes. To get out of debt and to not only money money. And we had never had credit cards. We had never, we'd always paid for everything in cash. Since we had graduated college and moved in together and got married. And so now we're at the point where we're nine months into a new business. That he is doing wonderful work. And the clients and the customers are so pleased with him. But the finances just aren't there yet. And he had a large job. He's in construction. And he had a large job that he was still learning how to bid out things. And how to charge. And it left us almost $10,000 in store credit card debt for materials. And so now we have business debts. And I haven't been able to, I manage a lot of the personal finances so that he can help manage the business thing. And we're kind of splitting things, which is not how we want to do it. But it's just what is manageable right now. And so now I have personal credit card debt because we're going on eight weeks of not getting a paycheck from the business. Okay. And I have a whole lot of them. I can hear your voice quiver. Yes. I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry at all. Good grief. This is scary. Have you said all of this out loud to anybody before? Yes. Okay. It sounds like you're saying at all at once for the first time. And it's just, it's heavy. Here's my biggest concern of everything that's happening. Everything you've laid out is I get it. And I'd even go as far to say noble. Both of you, I can see, I can feel both of you trying to do the right thing for each other and for yourselves. Okay. You're trying to be a support of wife. He's trying to be a guy that's just scratching and clawing and making it happen. He's actually good at the work he does. Right. Everybody's trying. But here's the big red flag for me. This quote unquote, dream. This quote unquote, you looking in the mirror saying, I'm going to be a support of wife. I'm going to be a support of wife. And him looking in the mirror saying, I'm going to be a guy that works hard for my family. All of that is pulling you away from the values you all committed to build your marriage on. We are not people who borrow money. We are a family. We are a couple who always works together and makes decisions together. I'll go one step further. I am a man who takes care of my family. Right now, he's doing amazing work at a hobby. Right? Yeah. You are a, I will be a wife who ride or die with this man. I've been with since high school. I will be a support of wife and that support is causing you to become somebody that goes against who you say you're going to be also. You see where your value is just starting to crash into each other. Yes. Okay. I'm going to be a very helpful moment to turn all the lights on the house and call something for a second. When's the last time you held his face and said, I can't tell you how proud of you I am for how you are scratching a claw for me and this family. Not to that extent ever. Okay. But I have told him multiple times, especially when he gets down. I'm a fixer. So my initial thought is to come up to him and to say like, I love how you're working so hard. I'm very proud of all the work that you're doing. You know, but then he'll be like, but there's a but there's a but to that. That's right. And he can, he can hear it in my voice and it is true. And it's hard for me to not be supportive of something that makes him so happy. But he's not happy. He's freaking miserable. Right. He's miserable. And if he gets a steady dose of, I love you. And I'm, I cannot tell you how lucky I feel with all of the men in the country leaving their families. All of the men who won't work hard. I got one that does. And you can be an amazing hard worker. You can be an extraordinary gifted craftsman and a terrible business owner. I do corporate events for companies. All they do is they go in and coach and help dentists and doctors and lawyers actually run their business. Because they are amazing dentists and they're they are heart surgeons. They can go cut out a heart and put another one in, but they don't know how to run payroll. They didn't know how to keep supply chain stock. Different skill sets. You know what I'm saying? Oh, absolutely. Because that's been a conversation too. And he, he's under the belief that, oh, I'll never make as much money if I go do this for somebody else. And in the short term, he's actually right, but he's never going to lose as much either. There's two sides to the risk equation. Yeah. I agree. I mean, there's there's positives to being his own boss, you know, especially with the young kids. And I work full time too. So, you know, we are not home with the kids. There's daycare runs and after school activities and things like that. So, um, where it's nice for him to not have somebody telling him, oh, no, you can't go pick up your kids. Or you can't, you know, so that there are a lot of positives to being self employed into having his own business. And of course, I love those positives. But they're not real right now. They're not realized. No. It's a hobby. Yeah. We just keep thinking well the next job we're gonna get another job. It's gonna be great It's gonna be better and he is learning you know, of course. Yes, of course, but That's why that's why I'm I'm so Like if he was here, I would hug him And tell you thank you for being an honorable man And you can be an incredibly honorable man and the most honest graceful thing you can give yourself is the words not right now Or not just yet Those two things aren't incompatible. It's not either I go all in on my own business and I just crash and burn Or maybe we get the one I mean it's like golf You get we hit one shot and you're like oh I can do this right? The next job it'll be the next job It'll be the next job and you as the person who's keeping the books at home are just watching this thing slowly slip and slide More importantly, you're watching your value slip and slide You're watching your marriage slip and slide and you're watching the man that you love and you dedicated your life to Come on wound Fair because this impacts you said it this impacts your sex life It impacts your Just the general laughter and peace in the house which already is chaotic because you got two kids under five right? Yeah, it impacts everything And so it's circling back to I need you to hear me say I'm so proud of you with a period When so many men bail on their families. I got a guy that scratch on a clone period and You don't have to fix the next thing So I guess do we just keep going? No, I Always default to a couple of just principles frameworks for how I live my life and how I coach other people to do it Human beings are unfathomably resilient Especially the nerd words are in a bounded context When there's a time limit So anybody if he had called me before and said hey, I just realized I'm capped. I can't go any further I would have said cool. You have a 12 month exit In that 12 month exit's gonna cost you every weekend for the next calendar year I want you and your wife to sit down and count that cost because on the weekends You're gonna miss every soccer game. You're gonna miss hunting season. You're gonna miss everything Because you're gonna be building your own practice your own construction deal on the side One customer at a time learning how to bid jobs Learning how to do a subs Learning how to tell somebody a customer one thing and then four of your guys don't show up the next morning because somebody else paid him a quarter more an hour All that stuff And at the same time He's got a paycheck coming in. He's got health insurance coming in For his wife and his babies Right and we did have that plan. I mean and it it worked for about six weeks We started it in January and he was doing weekends. He'd be gone out of state doing jobs Okay from Thursday through Sunday night and Sometimes Thursday through Monday and It was getting to the point where it looked positive and we said well We've got all these jobs lined up and you don't even have enough time to do them And I there was this nagging part of me and it's it's Partially my fault of when he took his exit because I Had this nagging of what I'd really like to have a good thing with count first or I'd really like to pay off all our debt first We could do it in 18 months and I didn't speak up. There we go and Hey listen and I did say it at some point, but then he would he would just be so miserable. I know and so I gave in And I said fine just go ahead you know, so it wasn't that we didn't have those conversations first I know I know but those conversations were always with like he like you said it perfectly with the dot dot dot in the butt after it Meaning I didn't speak up in real time. I Hope that he just knew He kept saying he was gonna be miserable You You knew that actually he was gonna be super miserable if one of these jobs didn't work out or he's gonna be winning at work, but he's gonna be Connected to the most important person in his world his wife and she's gonna be scared and unsafe And when I get scared and unsafe you get scared and safe you Knit pick you point out you try to fix you Close down emotionally or centrally like all those things that all of us do naturally And it just creates this weird figure eight dance right? Yes, absolutely And so there's something powerful about you over owning right And you saying I want to have a hard conversation and I need you to stay present No leaving the table no saying oh, I'm gonna I just let's I want to put everything on the table Number one. I'm so proud of you. I came and see straight Number two There's multiple moments over the last year that I didn't speak up and that's on me And because I didn't speak up you got a scared Shell of a wife and I'm sorry Number three We got to be honest about the finances of this job. It speaks in nothing about your skill set Nothing about your dream none of that. We just have to be honest about the math problem we have right now And if he can't sit present in that then y'all have bigger issues in your marriage on you to go deal with I know he could I know he can't I know he can't I said that for the audience listening because there's gonna be somebody listening Who's like well you would know I know your guy sounds amazing you sound amazing and I think that's the hard part is You can have two awesome people that are struggling at being married or two awesome people that are struggling and being parents are two Awesome amazing people who are both hard workers both all in and yet the business isn't working out. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, and when you make being an entrepreneur your identity Instead of I'll be a guy who shows up from our family That needs to re-emerge as the identity You know I'm saying yeah, and you re-emerge as a wife who I will never Not speak my mind again even in the short term if it's gonna make my husband feel uncomfortable Because now he feels you're just comfort you feel his discomfort and he's trying to do everything he can so you're not Uncomfortable and you're trying to do everything you can for he's so he's not uncomfortable and now you're borrowing money He's bidding jobs under so he can get the job and it loses money and now we have a mass. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah And I guess I want you to hear me say on this side of it This is the best kind of call I can take Because I have two people that are all in on each other It's just gotten cloudy and the sun's gonna come back out. Thank you for the call sister I see a really bright future feels marriage and for his business and for everything Because for the first time not for the first time but Forever you're gonna start Never leaving the table without having said what you believe and what you want Even if it causes short term discomfort Thanks for call sister. We'll be right back I'm always talking about sleep. Why? Because sleep matters. I've struggled with sleep for years and when I don't sleep I'm impatient I'm distracted and I'm not the dad husband friend or co-worker that I want to be and that's why I'm pumped to tell you about Something that's truly helped me sleep better Beams nighttime dream powder y'all this stuff is amazing a few months ago my neighbors who are professional athletes They told me about the stuff. I tried it and I'm telling you it has changed how I sleep Dream is a blend of science-backed ingredients including Rishi Magnesium, El Thienine, Epigenin, Melatonin and more and it helps you fall asleep faster and Stay asleep longer. I track my sleep and this stuff works and it's delicious Beam has no weird chemicals and here's the best part I wake up sharp and not groggy Right now beam is offering up the 50% off their best-selling dream powder with my codeloni at shopbeam.com Slash Deloney that's the lowest price they've ever offered and it's only for my audience go to shopbeam.com Slash Deloney and use codeloni to start sleeping better tonight All right Kelly something awesome happened So this is from Jonathan and McKinney, Texas and he writes I've always avoided conversations about a loved one passing away because I never knew what to say someone to someone who was grieving You taught me to ask the bereaved what their loved ones name was and the favorite memory that they have of the deceased What a game changer that device has been I love seeing the smile come across the face as they think of their favorite memory It feels like asking those questions is honoring both the dead and the grieving family member Thank you for giving me that tool and for make to make a connection with the hurting person DTID which is Dallas till I die and go Rangers Could have done with that last part without that last part Jonathan Jonathan's a very smart human being that feels like there was a huge bait and switch to say go Rangers So I will say dude Thank you so much for listening to show and for putting these things into practice and honoring hurting people It's amazing. I'm proud of you and H town get your hot chase up and go stroze for life peace out