Married Couple Answers Your Relationship Dilemmas (Cheating, Performance Anxiety, & Sleep Divorce)

Thank you to Time for Learning for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. Schooling is one of the most important decisions you make for your children, and I'm really excited about the option Time for Learning. We are coming to that point where our kids are getting ready to enter pre-K, and there's all these decisions to make, and I love that we're in this day and age where there are so many options, but I'm also very overwhelmed by it. But I'm really excited about Time for Learning because they have everything you need to teach pre-K through 12th grade at home, but with all the core and elective classes offered in a traditional brick-and-mortar school. I love that option because you get the structure that you would like with a traditional school format, but with a personalized intimate setting of homeschooling. 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That's time, number four, learning, dot com to explore their curriculum and find the perfect plan for your student. You can get started with a monthly subscription to see just how much your kids enjoy learning on their own terms. My friend fully cheated on her fiance at my bachelorette. Do I say anything? What is that even like? I've never been to a bachelor party like that. My significant other is struggling with confidence right now. It's starting to give me the egg. What? Just give him some action. Nothing makes me more confident than getting laid. That builds the man's confidence. My spouse's farts smell so bad I have to sleep in a different room. What would you do if, say, I had a farting problem? Hey guys, real quick. Just wanted to thank you for tuning into another episode of Unplanned. Did want to bring up though that most of you are not subscribed to the show. So if you haven't subscribed yet, please do that right now. It's so easy. It's free. While you're at it, if you could leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, we'd really appreciate that as well. And we'll be reading a review from one of you guys at the end of today's show. Thank you so much. What is up, dudes welcome back to unplanned your favorite podcast we are so happy that you guys are here i think we're bringing back what's up dudes i didn't fill you in already yeah i found that out like the last episode but guys today we are answering i like your shirt by the way thank you thank you very much thank you addy for getting him this shirt for christmas thank you i have one as well but we decided that when matt just organically came downstairs in this that i wasn't gonna change but I'll have to wear mine for an upcoming episode as well. My favorite picture is you slapping your butt cheek right here in your blue bikini. I taught the kids that mood. Yes. Okay, but today we are answering your relationship dilemmas that you guys submitted on the Unplanned Podcast Instagram. Thanks to everyone that's sending questions and thanks to everyone following the Unplanned Podcast Instagram. We got some really, really wild ones actually. Yeah, well, let's just put this friendly reminder out there that this is completely unqualified advice. Yes, we are not experts. if you didn't know that. You can't tell by the shirt that I'm wearing. We're just a couple that loves each other and we've been together for about a decade. We've gone through many dilemmas, I guess. That gives us a little bit of credentials. You know what I heard recently from Mel Robbins is a relationship is like two people in a boat and it's just about like... Keeping the balance. Yeah, keeping the balance and staying together. There's going to be times that one of you wants to leave the boat. There's going to be times... Oh, gosh. And she talks about that. Man overboard? Yeah, because I think... I want to say Mel has been married to her husband for a long time. But like there's just times you hit relationships where things get really tough and it's just you have to choose to work through it and choose to love each other through the tough times. Maybe there's a unicorn out there that has like a perfect relationship and they never encounter challenges. But I think that the people that act like they don't have challenges in the relationship are just liars. No, I just think there's a certain personality type where like maybe they won't bring it up. Oh, where it's like. You kind of avoid conflict. They just avoid. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's good. Yeah. As someone that does bring things up often, that lifestyle honestly sounds kind of nice to me. I'm like, that sounds like they're taking the high road, but there's probably, it's probably better to be open and honest. Yeah. Sometimes it's just a lot of work. Gosh, dang it. Yeah. But I did see a video recently. It was a man just saying like, I feel like it's a balance, right? Like talking about marriage in a way that is like, okay, like let's be real about it. Like if you experience conflict in your marriage, please don't think that your marriage has to be over. Yeah. And there's like seasons and waves obviously. but then also this guy was like I feel like we're really good at hounding how difficult marriage is like I genuinely like love being with my wife I don't get sick of her I want to be with her all the time he's like other things in life get hard like our kids our work our life circumstances but I just like genuinely love being with my wife and I don't understand people that don't or get sick of their spouse and I'm like that's a really good message to also that's a good message I think I really appreciate the like negative Nellies though because then also like when you're in a season of of tough things it are you what are you doing with your leg i'm stretching a little bit you're stretching your hip your hip out you got a sore you got a sore hip right now from the gym yeah you keep like i just feel like you're like please don't want to distract you continue anyway uh what was i even saying yeah i love negative i love the negative nellies though because like they make you recognize that life isn't easy and life is hard and therefore you know in your relationship you're going to encounter hard life circumstances and you have to work through them. Maybe that's because you're like internally an optimist more. Actually, yeah, maybe. That you're like, I like that. And then I'm like. No, yeah. When things aren't going right, I'm like, what the heck? Like it bothers me because it's like, I think everything. I expect that. I expect for good things to happen. So when bad things happen, I'm like, what the heck's going on here? Yeah, what's wrong? Well, all that to say, we are not professionals, but thank you very much for trusting us with your crises. We have entered many a crisis, you know. Yes. and i anticipate many more crises but maybe that's just because i'm a pessimist am i a pessimist we've been through some crazy ups and downs through our time for through the last decade gosh this summer in june will be a decade together babe some of these are light though too don't think that this is going to be like the darkest episode today we're talking about here's the first one and i actually pre-read this one and i'm not sure okay where go for where we should take this advice but it says my friend fully cheated on her fiance at my bachelorette and they went through with the marriage oh god do i say anything oh no my first hang up there is i've never been to a bachelorette you gotta say something oh yeah what is that even like i've never been to a bachelor party like that my most recent bachelorette party i went to we stayed at the airbnb and painted pictures of her fiance like we all had a hit like painted but on a canvas my first bachelor party experience was like my brother my older brother got home from like a mission trip and we didn't even i don't even think we drank beer like i think i don't even It was so tame. This girl's bachelorette seemed to be a little bit more crazy and her friend cheated and then they went through with the marriage. So now we have to assume that they're already married. Hold up. Does her friend's spouse know? It sounds like it's a no because she said, do I say anything? Oh gosh, this is so bad. That's definitely a true story. I know this isn't helpful for you, but this should maybe be advice for other people that find themselves in a situation in the future. The time to say something is before they're married. 100% to your friend to encourage her to be honest with her fiance. Yeah, I think I think you need to enter into an American into a marriage with honesty. You don't go in with keeping secrets of cheating. I think that that would be considered a lie by omission, like by not telling him that is a lie. And he's entering into a marriage on lies. Also, too, I'm thinking through this, like I've heard of couples where someone like cheated long ago early in the relationship and then it eventually came out and then they get divorced. Yeah. so it's like I think before you marry someone if you did cheat on them you need to tell them like that's that's not that's not something like oh I'll conveniently save that for like after we get married and then we'll be more stable no it's like you're building your you're building your foundation of you guys on life I think that's gonna hurt them even more like I think they'd have more respect for you like it's gonna come out at some point so it's like they would have more respect for you just to say what you did rather than like keep that a secret if that makes I would say certainly do not say anything to her husband. Gosh. Say something to her. Say the friend first. And if she doesn't say something, then would you say something? I don't think so. Really? I feel like that's not your mess. That's not your mess. I would have a sit down conversation with your friend. Yeah. And be like, you need to tell him. A very serious conversation with your friend. You need to tell him. Yeah. But gosh, if she's like, I'm not going to tell him. How bad is that the bride cheated on the bachelor party? No, here's what I say. Like, if she's like, I'm not going to tell him. It's not. No, no, it's not the bride. Oh. Oh my gosh. Matt's details are confused some of the details got lost it was a bridesmaid that cheated on her own fiance and then they still got married she was also engaged at the same time I get it it's confusing but say for instance that friend's like I'm not gonna tell him then I think it's probably very fair of you to say like I can't be your friend anymore because this isn't something like I support like that's really crazy also wow that wasn't a very good friend move at your bachelorette Yeah, it's your bachelorette. It's not her time to go hook up with guys that are not her fiance. Or at all, honestly. It's kind of your time to be with your girlfriend. Yeah, and you know, it really depends on the friend group. What do you mean? I don't know. Some friend groups probably do that. Like, there's probably, we never ran around with a friend group that was like, guess who I hooked up with last night. That was never our lived experience. But I'm sure there are friend groups like that. Okay, next one. My significant other is struggling with confidence right now I don't want to make him feel worse, but it's starting to give me the ick What can I do to keep our relationship strong while he's struggling to find his footing again? So i've been listening to how to win friends and influence people and you're gonna get nowhere if you just tell your boyfriend that you're Disgusted or that you're bothered by his lack of confidence The only way you're gonna get what you want is by using encouragement to Encourage transformation and I think it's way more effective and better for everyone to like lead with the carrot not the stick you don't want to be forcing them wait wait we introduced carrots and do you know that term like lead with the carrot not the stick no like leading with the carrot is like basically using positive reinforcement leading with the stick is negative reinforcement and i think positive reinforcement wins nine out of ten times okay well don't hit him with a stick basically don't hit your boyfriend with a stick is what we're trying to say i think this is maybe hard to hear but if your significant other is struggling with confidence your feelings are valid that that's like not especially as a woman looking to her man like that definitely isn't something that's like attractive that's not an attractive quality i think ultimately women are attracted to confidence um yeah yeah true and i've said that for a while i feel like the times you've been least into me when when i'm not confident in myself i'm what i'm the honest answer it's true you literally just said it women are women are attracted to confidence yeah okay so that's a valid feeling that you're experiencing we should say that but also it's hard to take yourself out of that equation but you kind of need to at this point like if he's like struggling like take yourself out and like your job is to build your partner up and obviously that doesn't all fall on you but like you're both mutually supposed to be doing that and so find a way to encourage do things to build his confidence find things that he's doing that are boosting his confidence what just give him some action nothing makes me more confident than getting laid that can build a man's confidence yeah it really does no but then also i think resources too like encourage like a mentor or like hanging out with your friends even, even resources. Like there's podcasts. Why is that the biggest confidence booster for me? I don't know why. I know. It's worked for you in the past. Yeah, it does. It definitely helps. It's not going to solve the problem. I know it solves all my problems, honestly. It doesn't solve it. Yeah, it does. Thank you to Hi-Up for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. It is a part of our every single daily routine in the morning for our kids to get their little Hi-Up jar out of our cabinet that they decorated specifically themselves with their little stickers and enjoy their Haya vitamin. They really kind of treat it like candy. They think it's candy, but it's so much better than other children's vitamins that are basically just that. Oh yeah. I mean, typical children's vitamins are basically candy in disguise filled with five grams of sugar, unhealthy chemicals, and other gummy junk growing kids should never eat. And that's actually why Haya was created. 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So go to H-I-Y-A-H-E-A-L-T-H.com slash unplanned and get your kids the full-body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. This one says, my partner is always on their phone on their day off. Oh. How do we set a boundary when most of the time it's for work? She put work in quotes. That's tricky. I think you just need to create like a no phone time. And I think you abide by that rule too. Maybe you can just come to them in a kind way, right? Like if you're going in with anger, if you're going in with all this frustration with them, it's not going to, you're not going to get the result that you want. You're not going to get the change you want. But if you go in and be like, hey, I love you so much. And I want to connect with you on a deeper level. and so I think it'd be good if maybe on your days off we have you know no screens no phones time together we can just talk we can go on a walk we can play cards we could do whatever and I just want it to be time to focus in our relationship because I care about you so much and then now you just got what you wanted without creating a fight I love how you said that using I statements because I think that's really important going into this yeah instead of being like you're always on your phone blah blah blah like instead of that automatically puts them on the defense totally whereas like if you go in you're like i want to hang out with you like i i'm craving time with you yeah i think that they'll be more responsive to that like i've been listening to some dave ramsey and a quote that he said which i don't think he came up with this himself but it's it's something along the lines of those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still i thought that was like thomas jefferson yeah dave quoted some other dude i don't i forget who it was maybe he's a woman you know there's maybe it's like same opinion still yeah like yeah yeah like so if you convince someone like we're you gotta do you have different phone usage and they're like begrudgingly agreeing with you and like they're they're gonna have a grudge they're gonna be lead by example too yeah yeah this is becoming more and more of an issue and that's why they created a product i think it's called the brick and i was literally telling matt about this i don't fully understand it but you like stick something on your phone and it like makes your phone like not have the fun qualities yeah like the addictive qualities like during like you could brick it on your day off you could brick it like during like the times that your kids are away brick it just brick it and then i was like that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard in my life and i was like no i think that's kind of cool i'm looking at my screen time right now because i'm actually so curious what it is okay this isn't even fair because you've been playing so much minecraft okay and that's why you want to pull it up right now you're like oh my screen time's gonna look great because i'm spending it all on the switch okay i'm sorry my brothers and i like to play minecraft you've been playing independently and that's why i had to set that boundary for you every once in a while i like to do a little minecraft on my own okay i have a farm going i've said to do it i have a sheep farm a cow farm and carrots there's carrots have you been doing it independently i think i might have snuck in in the past week maybe an hour or two of independent play see i apologize probably two to four but here's the thing babe and not i don't want to i don't want to start an argument but i think my screen time including minecraft is lower than yours. Boom! Sorry, that probably, that's not the way to, see I should have introduced that in a completely different way. I don't even think that's necessarily true. I wish I was funnier Here the thing like if I was funnier if I could get you to laugh right now I feel like you would just make like anytime we have a conflict if I could just make you laugh I think that would solve 99 of our problems My brother when my mom would get on my brother when we were kids he would make my mom laugh and she would like forget she was mad and I could never do it. Like I would say something stupid and my mom would get like extra mad at me. Yeah. So maybe I need to take some comedy classes. Can I tell you my screen time? I actually really want to share it. Go ahead and have my phone. So my screen time, this is from the past week. my daily average is six hours 48 minutes which that's actually that's higher than i thought but then i realized oh i work on my phone so uh google on my phone and my computer so chrome is an hour and 36 minutes this is like my daily average i guess um and i think that's chat gpt messages is wait you spend an hour on chat gpt oh yeah i'm talking to chat all day long messages i spend an hour and a half messaging people i spend an hour and 20 minutes on facetime and that's usually like with with our editor reviewing tiktok's going out youtube videos podcast stuff um screen sharing is an hour and six minutes of that facetime call amount or me is that an addition am i spending two hours and 26 minutes a day on facetime with our team probably actually yeah probably um but yeah and then i spent an hour a day writing stuff in my notes folder so i spent an hour writing in my notes isn't that crazy or at least your notes just pulled up at least yeah it's just like writing the stuff now matt thank you for sharing that you're welcome um very proud of you this next one is funny and i feel like it's personal so basically i just my screen time is my my working i would say yeah yeah because you've been playing a lot of mine oh that's true yeah i do probably i probably play an hour of minecraft every day right minimum with my brothers with my brother my spouse's farts smell so bad that i have to sleep in a different room what do i do oh wow that sounds That's awful. If they're really stinky, I mean, you might need to have some boundaries, you know. What would you do if I, if, say, I had a farting problem, babe, what would you do? Let's say you had a farting problem. Hypothetical situation, Matt Howard has a farting problem. Oh, my God. I have to think. I feel like for me, there's certain times of day where I'm like, a fart is acceptable. and there's certain times where I'm like not acceptable see every time I fart in front of the kids they laugh so hard and I love like it's actually making me want to fart more if anything it just it gives them a little chuckle I don't like your I don't like your early morning ones they both love it so much and they're participating as well um and what's funny babe is I just did a brother trip with my dad and my both my brothers everybody was farting so much it's genetic it's from my dad and my both my brother's got it i don't understand i've heard all of the men in your family fart many times and it is so scary but i will say if we're gonna really go there yours really don't tend to smell that bad except for in the car i hate when you do it in the car here and there we go it's they're they're not stinky um if they smell so bad that you have to sleep in a different room i would say the goal is to um sleep in the same room so maybe did you know My dad installed a fart pad in his car. I know. I know. I know. I didn't think he did it. Guys, it's such a genetic thing. My dad literally put a pad underneath his seat or on his seat. It can't work. To help absorb them. Every time I drive your dad's car. I don't like sitting on his fart pad. I don't like sitting on his fart pad. I don't like sitting on his fart pad. I move that thing to the side. I can't believe this is going public. Sorry, dad. This is something that should not. Hey, if we talked about it. No, he would be proud. He would talk about his fart pad on the podcast for sure. He would. I feel. Yeah. We got to bring. should we bring my parents back let me know in the comments if you guys want john and theresa back if you guys want john and theresa to come back on the pod let us know so what i would say is gosh okay it seems really important that you find a way to eventually get back in the same room so maybe suggest beano what is beano you take beano and there will be no gas that's an actual thing you can take for farts you can get it from cbs walmart you're pulling my leg right now no i know beano what type of what type of name is beano it's the name of it it's it's memorable and if you know doesn't work then maybe try a nose plug for you because oh my gosh yeah it's real b-e-a-n-o oh it's spelled like bean like a bean i have a couple friends that take that maybe i just need to buy this for me my dad and my brothers that's why i always say take medicine you're right honestly i think it'd be helpful it's probably crazy we need to stop talking about this. People don't want to hear about this anymore. I'll start taking B&O guys and then we won't have to talk about this anymore. That would be my advice. Okay. Okay. My husband is experiencing performance anxiety slash low libido now that I'm pregnant. Oh. Any advice? I would not take it personally. Oh. Like if he's dealing with that, he could be depressed. Depression makes your libido go down. But I could see how that would be hurtful though, right? Am I right in saying that? Well, it seems like she is thinking, at least she believes that it's fully because that she she's pregnant ah okay so do you have any advice sorry i just added bino to our amazon cart and i'm making i'm purchasing you know right now i'm using the the buy now feature i feel like this is probably a common thing there's just a like it's it's like you're loving a whole new person like it's it's different especially the more the pregnancy progresses things change in your sex life i feel like people don't talk about that but like things change they have to change for some women it makes them want to do it more some women it makes them want to do it less it's a hormone change yeah so it's like you're dealing with new hormones your body's changing drastically things don't feel the same and honestly like maybe for him he's just like getting used to this new version of you and i think you know letting him get used to that is is fine obviously i i think it would be like crappy of him to say negative things about you like that that should never be the case he should only be encouraging you and loving you through all that change my suggestion would be to find new fun ways to do it oh find new ways to do it like what feels separate like say whatever you do normally like you do something totally different totally when you're pregnant yeah is that bad advice no it's good advice then it feels like okay we're not trying to do this we're not trying to get to our sex life that we had before things are different now so let's do something different and then it feels like you don't have that like expectation of what it's supposed to look yeah and new positions are fun too like you don't doing it doing something different we're getting too into i think you have to though like the same positions are going to work i mean at least yeah yeah and then i can be maybe more exciting for him and like that might affect his libido yeah also wait that's actually really good advice like when it comes to intimacy tell him you want to try out a new position with him that'll get him excited i think that would be fun that's actually really good advice i'm glad we were able to get there thank you yeah you're smart you should be a therapist uh nope you'd be great you would be you should abby you would you're so freaking smart you would get your degree you'd get all a's in the therapy classes come on come on now if you really want to be a therapist many of my own problems if you wanted to be a therapist you would be an incredible therapist thank you honey my husband's job requires us to be apart five and a half days of the week gosh any date night suggestions for intentional connection i have one i was gonna suggest that they sexed each other is that bad my gosh matt you can't give only sex advice but that's like if they're away for six they're almost away i'm sure they're already doing that okay they're probably already doing that i think if you're like looking for intentional connection it doesn't really matter exactly what you're doing if you're going to dinner if you're going for a drive if you're like i'd say probably avoid screens at this point like if you're together only a day and a half out of the week probably my best suggestion is not to watch something because that's not going to be intentional connection there's decks of cards you can get that have like intentional conversation starters that sound so cheesy but i swear once you get to a good one that like sparks a conversation you won't be looking at the cards anymore even though like i i think like we're together all the time i we still do those a lot i like doing those i'll pull them up i also think you have a unique opportunity to be like extremely intentional because you do only have a day and a half so and i think that the dates that i remember the most for us are the ones that are like the most planned out in the sense that like it's set apart from a regular date night than just like going out to eat one time we went to like a painting class. Something that's like different from what you normally do is something you're going to remember more. Yeah. And it's not because you need to have like this big budget or do something crazy every time, but just something that's slightly different than tip than like normal. Our creative dates in college when we were newlyweds were the funnest thing ever. Like on Valentine's Day, I walked in the door and you had like sprinkled hearts all over our living room. You made a little, you made like a fort out of our couch and some chairs and a blanket. I think you even like made a, yeah, we, that's a vlog that's on our YouTube channel. Cause I think you vlogged that too but that just made me feel so special and it was an at-home date it was so cheap you made pizza from scratch like yeah I think you can just like switch things up and and do that like if if you watch the basketball game one time I made like a whole basketball themed date yeah and if like if you're balling on a budget like at-home dates can be so much fun yes but all that to say make it separate from what you normally do if you want it to be like it kind of just jogs you out of the typical and so it keeps it fresh and fun yeah thank you neutrophil for sponsoring this portion of today's episode i am currently in a stage where i'm trying to grow my hair out and i feel like a lot of the women i talk to now kind of go through these same changes together you get an urge to chop your hair and then you got to spend the next several months growing it back out but i think it's good to do this because then you're growing out healthier hair especially if you are supplementing with neutrophil and that's the thing real change doesn't come from some big flashy moment. 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Let your hair become one less thing taking up space in your head and see thicker, stronger, faster going hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code UNPLANNEDPOD. That's Nutrafol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code UNPLANNEDPOD. My husband won't move from our home state because he doesn't want to leave his family. help. That's so tough because I can totally see both sides of that. I guess this one is a little hard because it's like, what's your motivation for wanting to move other than I have to just assume she just wants change. I think it's important that you establish a time that you are going to move. Maybe your husband values his home state so much that you agree that in the next decade, you only get two years away or something like because I think like you can't just I think it's wrong to completely ignore someone in that scenario because I can feel myself on the side of wanting to move. Like we moved out of Missouri to Hawaii. That was originally the idea that I suggested and you agreed and you got excited too. But it wasn't like more so than you since I didn't grow up traveling nearly as much as you grew up traveling. The idea of being like at the beach on an island was just the craziest like dream I could ever even imagine, especially after we visited there for a week and had like the time of our lives and I got to go surf and you know, and we went on so many cool hikes. You know, I feel like I can't actually give advice on this one because it's so nuanced like there's so many things to this yeah i feel like you should probably seek an individual like marriage counselor i think you should go to that's actually a great answer honestly for all these like i think if this is a situation you're in definitely go talk to an actual expert you need somebody that really knows what they're doing but um yeah i think i think that you can't just completely ignore either your feelings or his feelings you can't just plainly choose someone's side it's like something that i've appreciated is like abby knows how much I loved living in Hawaii. So she's always like jokingly, but kind of seriously said like, hey, you know, maybe that's where we move to when we're empty nesters or whatever. And like that makes me feel so good knowing that like she's considering my wants, my desires. I think you just need to both do that for each other. I'm like, yes, Matt, 20 years. 20 years. My husband's love language is not physical touch, which makes me feel unattractive. Any advice? I don't even know to say because I'm I feel like that is my love language like you're kind of making some assumptions here is what it feels like yeah it's like he's not touching me all the time so he thinks I'm ugly I don't think that those two things naturally I don't think that makes yeah click together because they're like your brother clearly loves your sister-in-law but he's not a physical touch guy he would never be like oh babe come here don't fill in narratives where there aren't when they're where they're not there you probably hate your guts it's like what we're no that's what we're saying is like he's probably loves you. The way he loves me is by messing with me. Okay. If he stops messing with me I know he doesn't like me. This is so funny. I love that you're over here listening in. Hello. Everyone's way of showing affection is different. So I'm just saying like basically don't make that assumption. Yeah I would say you can't take this one personally. Has nothing to do with you. I think it's just he probably expresses his love in different ways and if that's something that is a true issue for you, I think you should consider either talking about that openly through a mentor, through, uh, you know, uh, especially a therapist. I don't know. I thought you could just tell your husband, like, I like to cuddle more or like, let's hold hands. Maybe it's that simple. Like maybe I'm making this way too complicated. Maybe it's just really that simple. Hey, I really want to express. I wonder if you have asked him like, Hey, I would love to hold hands. Are these all husbands and wives? It's mainly husbands and wives. Yeah. I think you should just express that to him like hey it means a lot to me when we do this and like when you hold yeah and i feel loved on the couch i feel loved when we or i feel loved when you and use it to encourage him like find something they're doing right and encourage the crap out of that like maybe he's playing with your hair nonchalantly when you're on the couch together but he's not like really well it sounds like this guy doesn't do that i don't know i'm just trying to think of like if there's any inkling of anything he's doing right praise the crap out of him for the things he's doing right because it's going to encourage me to do more of that. Yeah. But also like I think look internally like if your husband is fully responsible for you feeling beautiful or not like obviously that your spouse does play a big role in that. Yeah. But also like on yourself just be like okay I know like you can know in your heart that he finds you attractive. He married you for heaven's sakes. Like he spends all this time with you XYZ. Like there's a lot of reasons you can think like I don't need to assume that I'm unattractive. But I just do think you can have an easy open conversation. Like I prefer that if we're walking together, like let's hold hands. I would love to hug some more throughout the day. Like I feel like you could have an open conversation and I feel like any decent man would gladly try to accommodate that for you. 100%. I've been with my boyfriend for six years and we live together. What will actually change when we get married? Honestly, not a lot. Really? Like am I wrong saying that? I don't know. We never live together before we get married. What really changes is a legal document, but I think maybe in addition to that legal document, it's like this massive commitment that you both have formally taken so it probably like probably more secure i kind of laughed when you said it but it is true i don't think much will change when you get married so get married i wish that we would have gotten married sooner is that bad to say um no i feel like we would have that before i don't know i think it could have been more fun like if i know this is like wild i wish we would have gotten married later i definitely think we We should have gotten married this summer. We got engaged. Seriously. Like I think. Just got married. I think it would have made my life better. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. And then we would have been one more year married. I love my college roommates. But like I would totally take a year with you over a year with them. Is that bad to say? They just came and visited. I love you Garrett and Brendan. You just hurt their feelings. I love my wife more. Your day to day life won't change. But overall like it is a big significant life change But since you are already living together that big change has probably already happened for the most part My partner and I have been trying to decide to have baby number two but we aren financially stable Should we hold off Yeah I would Oh I think if you already pregnant or if you get pregnant by surprise, I think it's going to be okay. I think you'll figure it out. I think it's just because you don't really have an option at that point. It forces your hand. But I think if you're trying to decide, maybe take six to 12 months to like really hustle like both of you. Maybe it's taking on a second job. Maybe it's doing a side hustle that, you know, like finding a way that you can create a nest egg for that rainy day because a rainy day will come. I'm a nerd. I went to school for finance before I dropped out to make TikToks. So I just think that it's smarter to wait until you have some sort of safety net. Can I be a devil's advocate? Go for it. Okay. So you have kids in the house for 18 years on average. For context though, we did wait till we were financially stable to have kids yes we did but let me say this too yeah if we would have gotten pregnant it would have been fine true and i think family planning like having like i value having a family and starting a family so much that i almost place it above the financials in a way no way where it's like okay depends on oh yeah it depends on the financial situation okay so if you're 40 years old and time's running out to have a kid have the kid if finances are tough you'll figure it out yeah there's a time and a place to put that but if you're but if you're 22 and just married or or like let's say 25 that's more of a typical age you got another 15 years of of like of time so maybe take a year to get your finances on track something else i would say though is that like okay what i was saying is you're a parent for 18 you have kids in the house for 18 years yeah per child you know what i mean your financial stability is not guaranteed if you're financially stable when you have a kid 16 years from then you're not you're not guaranteed true there's so many how many times if you follow if you follow dave ramsey's baby steps which i i like i'm kind of i'm low-key kind of like a closeted dave ramsey fan like i was actually not closeted at all i was so excited to meet him when we met him because i like i read his book when my house when we were in college i feel like you're pretty open about that okay whatever i love i love dave he's a great he great great advice yeah okay i would say maybe wait give it max 12 months and be really really really like why max 12 months i was thinking minimum 12 months. I think that's crazy to think a minimum of pushing it off a year. I think that's crazy. Really? I would say be very, very, very disciplined for a short amount of time. Like a year? Yes. Okay. But very disciplined to expedite that process as much as possible. And it's going to be a hard year, but I think you'll feel, think about the feeling that you will have in a year when you have that nest egg, that emergency fund. Yeah, that will provide a lot of peace a lot of peace and then you're not using debt to pay your bills you're not using you're not going to debt i think that's really good advice because debt is going to stress you out it's going to take off years of your life like you don't need that in your my best advice though would be to be very rigorous for a short amount of time rather than just like we'll be kind of disciplined and then put like for a longer amount of time but like be be rigorous and brutal for a short amount of time if you're like trying to like go for baby number two seriously though this is what's holding you back and it's not it's not a big deal that you haven't read it but i think every couple that is gay marriage should read total money makeover by david david david ramsey or a similar financial book some sort of like personal finance book needs to be read by couples making a like a long-term i feel like you should probably do a ramsey one because it's just most black and white yeah i think david and david ramsey even says this in his book it's like it's just it's your grandma's advice like he didn't reinvent all this stuff it's not something that he came up with like it's pretty simple advice that people look over because in today's capitalist economy we are marketed and sold so much to get us to spend more to make the hyper wealthy rich people even richer like people just fall into these traps and and the poor get poorer and the rich get richer so it's like read a book about personal finance and it will change your life that's good advice yeah matt probably has good advice i just like also think a baby is a bigger decision yeah but if you're if you're 25 and you wait till you're 26 i think there's other factors that you got time uh okay this one is really tough my mother-in-law smokes and my husband and i are struggling on how to communicate with her that we absolutely do not want snow smoking around the kids thoughts i would just tell her but you know tell her in a way that's not offensive to her make sure that she knows that you guys love her. Make sure she knows that, you know, you want to be around her and you want to spend a lot of time with her. You can believe on yourself. You can you can say, hey, I'm just very worried about our kids health and then being exposed to things like drinking, smoking. And I just would really appreciate if just around the kids, you don't do that. Yeah, it's not a big ask. No, but I think it might be because think about it. If this guy was raised, it says my mother in law. So I'm guessing this is a I'm assuming that this is a wife writing in and so say that her husband has this conversation with his mom and say she was also a smoker when she was raising him it's kind of like saying the way you raised me I also don't you know there's it's heavier than that you know what I mean but I do think you're right to not want that around your kid obviously we know secondhand smoke now has a very direct impact on yeah because you can make the that is a very direct impact on your kid being around them I think you had really good advice of saying like we want Our ultimate goal is that our kid is with you a lot Like we love you and we want our kid to have a really good relationship with you I think a line that I like to use a lot is like My number one job is to keep our kids safe and using I statements when you're talking about everything Talk about yourself. Don't like don't go in saying you you you you you say I I I I I'm assuming that parent to parent. Hopefully she can understand like your number one job is to keep your kids safe and there are direct risks with secondhand smoke. And so if you just sit down and have that like hard conversation and I think you should also like preface it, like don't just randomly say this one day, like when you're picking your kid up, like that's not the time to say it. The time to say it is like, hey, can we hop on a phone call? And not when you have like a time for your kid, that's like your kid's about to be dropped off at their house. Like that's not the time to do it. Do it like, you know, at a gap in between. It's like, hey, can we hop on a call? I kind of have something that I want, I want to make sure I say it right. So I want to say it over the phone Just so she knows already she comes prepared and she's not blindsided and gets defensive. She already knows that something a little bit more sensitive is going to be talked about. And then I think that that would also just like prepare her to go in like with like, I don't know, some maturity into the conversation. And then, yeah, I think that's also a conversation probably for your, certainly for your husband to have, not for you to have with your mother. Yeah, that's the rule that we go by. So if there's ever anything that we need to communicate to Abby's parents or my parents, whoever's kid it is, is the person that talks to them. Don't miss Jay Shetty's new Audible original series, Messy Love, difficult conversations for deeper connection. Join Jay as he guides three couples toward a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationship. This isn't about achieving perfect love. It's about practice love. In each episode, Shetty invites us into coaching sessions behind closed doors with couples navigating the complicated terrain of modern relationships. You'll witness raw moments of vulnerability as they work through resentment, broken trust, and generational patterns. No script, no filters, and no certainty of the outcome. Through these intimate sessions, Jay shares tools you can use to communicate with clarity and compassion, break painful cycles of blame and withdrawal, create emotional safety and rebuild trust, turn daily moments into rituals of appreciation. Emotional, inspirational, at moments even transformational, this is Messy Love. Listen to Jay Shetty's new Audible original series, Messy Love, Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection. Go to audible.com slash messy love to start listening today. I work in behavioral therapy and while I love what I do, when I get home, I'm mentally drained and never in the mood. She did with a lot of O's. I'm just so tired and I want to doom scroll and relax. Any advice? What I would say is doom scrolling is not relaxing you. We can look to research and know that that's not making you feel relaxed. if you feel the need to relax and like kind of like decompress after a really heavy mentally draining job do that take that time but make it a make it intentional so then you can show up then in your marriage and your family in your household like actually refreshed and it might also affect your mood with a lot of you know what i mean so like i would say maybe that's just sitting in your car take a bath or shower together that's a great advice take a bath together just talk i love talking with you in the shower maybe she needs to be alone too maybe take a bath by yourself dang it we were doing so we took baths and showers together for so many days in a row and then we got in a bad habit of not doing that what happened bad habit why did we do that maybe she needs to be alone though i seriously felt so much more connected to you it's like we just had the most candid fun conversations and we both have no clothes on that's a that is good advice but maybe you also need to take a bath by yourself maybe you just need to sit in your car and there's important time drink a fun drink by yourself and listen to music but like don't sit there and scroll so then you can like actually take a deep breath and then you know show up differently um go on a walk breathe some fresh air do a couple things that like they don't even have to be long take five to ten minutes to yourself or say like maybe one day is particularly hard you're like i need like a good 30 minutes i need an hour i need to like go get my favorite drink and just listen to a podcast in the car but i think that if you take that time intentionally and also set a limit on it and then check in like do i need a little extra time or do i feel better now like that will help you and so the evening doesn't just get away from you and you're not just like scrolling into oblivion and then your evening just seems to be like used unintentionally recently for me that's been going on runs you're really good at doing that you either take a bath or you journal i'm not good at running let's just put that no you're really good at taking baths and journaling. Oh yeah. Thank you. Whenever you're stressed. Yeah. I think that's, I think that's a really healthy thing to do. Thank you. That's really nice. My high school sweetheart and I have been dating for five years and I want to get married at 23. He wants to wait until we're closer to 30. I told him we can compromise, but we just can't seem to agree. Yeah. I think you need to compromise. I think like if you're ready now and he's not till he's 30, like it's wrong for you just to say we're doing, we're doing it now or it's never like, I think that would be aggressive, but I think it'd be aggressive to just be like, all right, I have to wait on him till he's 30. I think you guys need to figure it out. I don't know. They've been together for five years. I think you give them an ultimatum. Yeah, you just said, don't be aggressive. It's now or it's never. No, but like now as in like, we need to go do a courthouse wedding. Like maybe it's the ultimate. That doesn't seem like what she's saying. It seems like she literally wants to just at least get engaged. It might be an ultimatum of like, hey, if I'm not engaged within the next year, year and a half, like I'm moving on. And I love you and I want this to work, but like I have enough respect for myself and I know that I want to be married, that if you can't figure out yourself in the next 18 months, I'm going to have to move on. And it's not personal. Yeah, this does feel a little wrong that he wants to wait. Seven years. Because then that's putting you at 12 years of dating. And look, we've talked to Arthur Brooks, an expert. That is 12 years of dating. Arthur Brooks is a Harvard professor, an expert that we had on the podcast. And he talked about how when you're, was it him or somebody else that talked about how your brain isn't fully developed until you're 25? So the marriages that happen at 25 and later are highly, I think he was the one that said that. Yeah. 25 and later that age for getting married, you're less likely to divorce. I know, but I think that doesn't, I think there's something that happens if you date for like a really extended amount of time. And I would consider five years is like already pretty long. Say 18 months. I would say here's, let's have grace for this guy. Maybe he had a really poor example of marriage growing up. And so he's like, I don't want to get married until like X, Y, Z, because for him, marriage looked like constant conflict it looked like resent like i don't know it could look like a or divorce yeah you know what i mean like it could look a lot of different ways but also he is responsible for you know kind of rewriting this is what marriage can look like for us and so yeah i do think an ultimatum is kind of fair um i i wouldn't say normally like if you're like i'm 23 and i want to get married but like you have been dating for five years so that kind of makes it a little different um i would definitely find married couple friends if you can to be friends with and that could probably ease some of his concerns and like fears yeah i think when i was like worried about having kids but we were living in hawaii and around a lot of young families that just went to the beach with their families all day okay they got me so excited i was like i can't wait to take my kids to the beach and just like you know it made fatherhood seem so fun that's sweet yeah i do think you should surround yourself with other married people which can be hard when you're young, but it is possible. That would also probably help. But I do think it's fair to have a really serious conversation about that. If it's something that you want. My fiance has been unemployed for two months now and we're supposed to get married in August. Should we postpone the wedding? I don't think so. I don't unless there's financial concerns that are more than just that. I think job loss is is something that happens. I mean, I guess the question I would ask is, are you paying for the wedding because if you're the ones paying for the wedding and it's not like your parents or one of your parents then maybe that's going to really affect things financially for you and maybe you make some changes to where the wedding isn't as expensive if it's coming out of your pocket right well i have some deeper questions yeah go for it are you wondering if you should postpone the wedding because you're purely singularly worried about funding the wedding itself or are you noticing something in your partner that is kind of a red flag for like the future of your life together? Meaning like, did he lose his job because he was not on time all the time and he wasn't doing his job well because he was being lazy or he was, there was other concerns there. And in this time that he's unemployed, is he being very diligent and hardworking about finding it? Or was it like something that's like, oh, he lost his job just because the job made cuts and he's having a hard time like finding something, but he's applying constantly. He works really hard. Or is it more of like, you're just noticing some concerns in your person that you're going to be married to that's the first question i would ask is why did he lose the job i think that makes a huge difference a lot it does happen a lot but if he lost the job because of something like that that is not good you don't want to be this man's character for the rest of like if it's about if he lost his job because of his moral character oh yeah maybe it's maybe you really do reconsider you know that this wedding right the only thing that bothers me in our marriage is that he's not romantic enough any advice well i'm pretty romantic so you could probably give people some tips um i will say that i would say you are pretty romantic oh thank you yeah you're a pretty romantic what do i do that's romantic but i will say like what do i do why am i so romantic to you you're very affectionate with your words so i would say that like is romantic like you're very affectionate with your words actually abby heard us talking the other day she overheard you i was like boiling water and you're like something about like you're as hot as this water something like so stupid and then she just started laughing you're like oh you heard that like just like i remember i did say like goofy stuff all the time yeah i said it was kind of goofy but you were like wow this water is like you boy it's like so hot like or something i forget i don't know what you said but it was something kind of silly like that it was kind of stupid and silly and then i like turned it back on you i guess we'll consider that romantic super hot but it was like funnier than that like it was it was not it was only funny that because she overheard it and it's like that's just like normal well she did laugh she did laugh at me maybe she purely felt uncomfortable but you never know yeah but um i come from a family where my dad was not romantic i feel like my brother is also not romantic and you know what something i never questioned was the love that they have for their wives so i think that maybe we need to also have a broader look especially since you're already married like this is one thing that is like in dating if this is like just a superficial preference you have then yeah you're allowed to have that preference in marriage i think you can have a broader view of like okay yes he doesn't do x y or z but i know that this man is like fiercely loyal he will literally go fight a bear for me like he loves me he will like go to the ends of the earth for me and i think that in itself is romantic so we can have a different view of romance did we get the question what was the question again did we finish it says the only thing that bothers me in our marriage is that he not romantic enough Any advice That the only thing That the only thing He probably an amazing guy He probably really loves you. He probably worships the ground that you walk on, sis. I don't know if that's true. He probably does. But just saying like, I think we can look at romance in a broader term and I think you have to do that anyway in marriage because dating is obviously, that's the wooing stage and obviously some of that should carry into marriage but some of that is going to look different. I mean, when you just think about the sheer amount of years that you're going to be married, like keep it alive but it's gonna look different and i think that we should just point out the other things it's like oh yeah that's just him and i feel like that's the thing i hear the most of couples that have been married a long time they have just like accepted like that's just them and you learn to really like love those like quirks and weird things 100 some of the things i say about you and other i'm like i'm just not gonna die on that hill like what what hill is there to die on there's a couple hills you've got what hills like you chewing my constant farting yeah well I die on the chewing hill my ADHD getting the best of me and I get so distracted well you're like I would say like your impulsive thoughts like that you share vocally I'm not gonna die on that hill of being like that's not true stop saying that we're not gonna do that like I don't want to constantly do that so I'm just like yeah we're gonna go to Japan for a month next week I want to so exactly that's what I'm saying like I'm not gonna die on that hill of being like that's not true like I'm not gonna like I'm not gonna do that but isn't that like isn't life so much better if you do spontaneous stuff like that it is matt okay how do my partner and i make trying to get pregnant into something fun and not a chore slash checklist item uh position cards those are fun you got me those for christmas i think a year ago did we already talk about that in this episode well i think did we did you bring up the position cards earlier no i was talking about just doing different something different oh different different oh different stuff it doesn't have to be a position it could just be the foreplay wow i'm sorry why am i the only one laughing think about because i'm uncomfortable okay i'm sorry why do i not relate to that question literally at all because like that's that's like the most magical like you're making a kid together like that's the coolest thing you could possibly do in the world there's a lot of there's a lot of history though that couples could have say they've been doing this for like 12 months it's not it loses its yeah yeah it loses it was it was scary yeah yeah say you've experienced loss can we say that can we say that we've tried for tried because like because that is scary like trying can be really scary trying can be really scary and yeah and it can be really complicated and it can be really like it can be really heavy yeah so i can see definitely if they've been through a miscarriage i can see where that would be scary yeah not as exciting and fun yes and so i would say like intentionally look for those days and then plan something fun and different. I think that was the same advice I gave before, but like, I think it's really easy to get into a pattern, especially in the bedroom. Like, I feel like that can also be a really cool opportunity to just shake things up a little bit and do something different. And maybe you just like laugh the whole time. You're like, yeah, I kind of like, you know, the good old fashioned, whatever we do, you know what I mean? But it's like, it is just something that is just makes, adds a certain levity to like something that could be heavy, make it fun, make it different. and then also like on those days maybe that's not the thing that's like the most exciting part of your day maybe that's like the thing that you do and then it's like okay but then afterwards we're going to order our favorite takeout and we're going to watch our favorite show and we're going to eat our favorite ice cream afterwards like there can be something else another element of that day that you really really look forward to and don't put all that pressure on i know it's hard but like don't put all this pressure on like that being the epitome of like romance for your day because maybe it's not. Maybe we don't, maybe you don't get that privilege of like this experience being like the lightest, most magical movie moment. Maybe that's not the case for you. And so it's like, let's find something else fun that is fully within our control because getting pregnant or not, keeping the pregnancy or not is unfortunately out of our control. And so like, let's do something within our control that is like also fun and exciting for that day that we can look forward to. This episode is brought to you by Square, the business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites. Whether you're gearing up for a busy season or just trying to keep up with everyday demand, Square keeps your business running smoothly from payment and POS to online orders, inventory, staff, and more all in one place. So you can focus on your customers, not your to-do list. What I love specifically about Square is that it allows you to have the kind of brick and mortar feel to a new budding business, but with a modern day approach, because let's be honest, not many of us are carrying cash around nowadays. 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Right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com slash go slash unplanned. that's sqare.com slash go slash unplanned get started with square and build a setup that works the way you do what are your thoughts about people getting back into a relationship after they've been broken up totally depends on the situation yeah i think you can look at someone's relationship and if someone's been doing bad things over and over and over again probably not a good idea to get back with them like if that habit is not something that's actually shown change they're not a different person but if they are actually a different person then it's a completely different story right yeah um i think you should look for a couple things look for first of all honestly evaluate was this the only reason that we broke up this one reason okay if there's one reason you can say like this is the reason what is in what is totally different now or how are we going to go about this relationship differently now and i think you need to start that relationship from ground zero as hard as it is i think it'd be really easy to just try to pick up where you left off and take off it's it's it's over you guys broke up it's like we're starting over and what's going to be different this time and i think you're allowed to be very particular about like these things this was a non-negotiable for me in the past it's still non-negotiable for me yeah this is what we need to do differently and i think that needs to be very over and you know what i used to think like okay if you broke up you broke up for a reason don't do it again that's just because that wasn't a part of our story but i know a lot of people that are successfully married and have very happy families and marriages 100 and that is a part of their story we came close to breaking up when we dated too i want to say there was like a time or two where you were considering breaking up with me or i was considering breaking up with you it's common guys like in relationships for if one or both of you has fundamentally changed as a person why wouldn't you try it again if if you know they're the other 99 of them is is great and a great match for you like why are you getting held up on the on the one percent something else I was gonna say though no but I think it should be very critical I think most relationships should not get back together let me just put that out there I would agree with that I would agree with that too I think this is a rare circumstance where it's like okay yeah we can we can try this again yeah but also if you have trusted friends that were like also knew your boyfriend or girlfriend really well I think this is a great time to invite them into the conversation I also find it so interesting how with relationships you can find couples that like got married at 18 dated for two weeks and you know got married and then they live happily ever after and and they have a great marriage all this and then you have couples that like got married after 25 waited till marriage dated for two years like they followed all the different like steps they they did the science back approach they went to counseling and then they break up they divorce like it's always so fascinating to me so i don't think i think a lot of it boils down to like are you gonna work on it how committed are you both how did you deal with waiting for marriage i'm three years into dating and it's getting very difficult well we got married after three years yeah i i think that's too long in my opinion like i think if you've been with someone for three years it's torture to not be intimate with them you know seriously like the people that people that like it's like respect people that wait till marriage but if you're gonna wait till marriage but you're gonna date for eight years like that is putting an undue burden on you and your partner like you're not you're that your body is not i think three years should be the max there's yeah there's like your your dna is literally telling you to procreate with this person yeah like i don't know i think that's just like torture that's like putting yourself in front of a juicy steak while you're starving and saying don't eat it or like a cupcake like you put you put some fresh baked cookies in front of me i'm gonna eat all 24 you've always got analogies i love analogies i was gonna say it's an admirable thing to like want to take on and you're dating and your preparation for marriage. Of course. But I do think you should have a close end date to that because it's not meant to stay like that for very long. Yeah. And I think too, if you like, you know, quote unquote slip up and you got handsy a time or two, like don't kick yourself too hard. Like it's, it's hard. It's hard. Yeah. Because it's a good desire to have. There's yeah. It's like that desire that you have is like, it shows that your body's working. It shows that your emotions are working. It shows that this person that you're with is someone that you want to be with. Now, because you're a person with a developed brain and you're different than an animal, you being able to show restraint shows that you got a working prefrontal cortex. But it's not easy. We don't need to do that for extended, extended amounts of time. Don't put a burden on yourself. That's why I especially feel bad when someone starts dating their person at 15 and then they're like 19 and they've been together for you know gosh four years at that point what would you say to that couple that's been that's been dating since they're 15 and now they're 19 would you just tell me to get married yes you're right i guess if they've already spent four years together yeah you're probably right 19 gosh 19 seems so young but yeah i guess i would say get married yeah i'm three months postpartum and feeling a hint of postpartum depression my partner and i are feeling like roommates slash besties instead of lovers any advice I want to tell you this is like literally so normal yeah this is so normal you are in the thick of it at three months postpartum even though it feels like you're like okay I should be a little bit more back to it like maybe my baby's sleeping longer stretches maybe I feel physically like I feel better my body's certainly not the same but like I just need you to know that it is so normal I know so many women go through I gosh I got I dare to venture I don't know a single woman that didn't go through a quote-unquote on identity crisis yeah after at least having your first baby, but I feel like it happens every time where you're kind of like, okay, whoa, I feel like a totally different person. I remember looking in the mirror being like, I do not know myself. Like I don't recognize myself in so many different ways. I don't want to do the same things I wanted to do in the past. I don't know anything other than like feeding and changing diapers and trying to get this baby to sleep and calm down and take naps. I don't know anything other than that. That's biological. That's going to happen. And it's good that it's happening because that means that you are doing the things that you are supposed to do to keep your baby alive. Yeah. But you should also know, like you said, it is a season. You're going to get out of this. And I think it's honestly really cute. And it's like showing me some hope for you guys, some serious hope, because you said roommates slash besties. And I think it's really sweet that like that stage could look like, OK, we certainly don't have the romance that we maybe thought we had, but like we're still besties. We're still a team. We're doing this together. Yeah. And you're getting so close to like getting through that. And I think just know that, that this is just a season. It's a very hard season. I mean, you're both depressed. You're both sleep deprived. You're both depressed. What an assumption. Oh, it happens all the time. We're both, both the mom and the dad get depressed. Maybe, maybe. But it's very hard. And so give yourself some grace. Just know that this is literally a season. You're in the middle of winter right now and know that summer's coming and you're going to get through it. Yeah. and I think that there I think that you'll learn to look back really fondly on this time too yeah yes you'll say yes it was hard but like what a cool fun time and like you'll you'll miss it don't make any big decisions I think this should be no like no one should make any big decisions in the first at least six months postpartum because I would say a year it's like you took a snow globe and you shook it all up you gotta wait for those snowflakes to fall seriously I think if you're like I'm sure someone listening right now that's like I literally hate my partner's guts I want to get a divorce and it's like hey give yourself like seriously I know 12 months sounds like so long but like go to therapy think it through meditate on it journal about it I'm not even talking about divorce but just no big decisions in general should be made I've seen the amount of TikTok I've seen from people that were like didn't make it past the newborn stage I've seen so many TikToks a lot of a lot of young moms that just like and I'm sure their partner was a jerk I'm sure but I'm sure they're not without fault too so it's a big transition it's really hard and I think uh it makes me sad every time I see those videos oh I didn't know that that's really sad um yeah I think just I think nine out of ten times you're gonna feel like so much more of a human again after a certain amount of time you'll feel so much more like stable and grounded and adjusted to this new life there's still adjustments that you have to make but um the headspace I was in three months postpartum versus 12 months postpartum is like night and day and I think we should prepare moms for that because like maybe that's not the case and and that you just like seamlessly transition and that's amazing and great but i would say more often than not it is a difficult transition especially after you've had your first kid like zero to one kids is like you're making a lot of big changes and i think we should have grace for that like an abundance of grace totally that's our last question guys thank you again for tuning in to this week's episode if we gave good advice if we gave bad advice can you review some of it in the comments let us know say like hey you know what i actually got back with my ex and this is what i didn't do and this is why it didn't work i don't know let us know what you guys think of this type of episode in the comments because we haven't done something like this in a very long time um i also think it'd be fun to have people call in to actually hear their voices to hear hey that's my thing we can't do that here no that's jay ramsey's thing that's john deloney's thing that's every radio host thing you guys didn't come up with that that's what dax shepherd does on his show too i think i didn't even know that yeah a lot of shows do that okay well you know what i obviously didn't create it but gosh they can call into always here if they have any questions you guys want to call in and call into always here um no thank you for trusting us with your crises um it's really so sweet that you guys wrote in and trust us with that and obviously take it as entertainment purely because we are not experts there are many people that are experts that do this and i think that they're the people to go to we are just here we're just here to gab you know what i mean yeah just here to talk it out two ladies talking it out no i think it's really cool that it's man a man and a woman talking these things out also huge shout out to everyone that has left us a review on apple podcast that means the world abby's actually going to read one from one of you guys right now. This is from Chloe underscore 2028. The Unplanned Podcast is a refreshing and honest look into life, relationships, and unexpected adventures. This podcast is amazing whether they're talking about marriage, parenting, faith, or personal growth. They keep things authentic and relatable. It's the kind of podcast that makes you laugh, think, and sometimes even tear up. And it never fails to leave you feeling encouraged. Keep being awesome. Thank you so much. That's so sweet. So once again, just remember to like, subscribe, Subscribe, rate, review, all the things. I'm genuinely so grateful that this is what we get to do. And we're on year three of this thing. Yeah. Wait, we're on year four. We've done it for three years. Holy crap. That's crazy to think about. Also, please follow the Unplanned Podcast on Instagram. And so the next time we do an episode like this, if you guys enjoy it, you can also participate. We're so grateful for those of you that wrote in. And it'd be fun to hear from you if you didn't write in. Guys, thank you so much again for tuning in to this episode of Unplanned. We will see you in the next one. peace out dudes