5 Steps Toward a More Grateful Life

This episode is brought to you by SimplySafe. As the evenings get darker and colder, this SimplySafe On is a sound of peace of mind. SimplySafe's sensors, HD cameras and 24x7 security monitoring protect your home inside and out, against break-ins, fires, water leaks and more. So you can relax. Visit simplysafe.co.uk slash pod for an exclusive discount. Did you ever beat yourself up because you should be more grateful than you are? Were you ever criticized by loved ones? I get that. And I get that a lot, by the way. You know, I found myself two weeks ago saying, you know, first-class United Airlines has really gone downhill. Like, really? Negativity bias is our tendency to focus on the negative versus the positive. Why? Because that's how our ancestors passed on their genes. That's why anger and fear exist, so that you can flee threats. If you don't pay attention to them, you're just looking. It's like, it's a great day. You'll get eaten by a tiger and not pass on your genes. And so the result is that the ungrateful among us were the ones who survived. In gratitude is your animal tendency. Gratitude is a manual override of that to get you into the space of your moral aspirations. If you understand this, you can actually systematically override the ingratitude and become a more systematically and habitually grateful person. When you're authentically expressing gratitude, you get happier and so does everybody else. Hey friends, welcome to Office Hours. I'm Arthur Rooks. I'm your host. I'm a behavioral scientist dedicated to lifting people up and bringing them together and bonds of happiness and love using science and ideas. I want to bring the best ideas from all different areas of knowledge and science and even philosophy and theology to you so you can use them to live a happier life and to teach other people how to be happier as well. I want you to be a happiness teacher because we need more people that are teaching this in the world. We want a better world. I know you do too, which is why you're watching the show. And thank you for doing so. Thank you for staying with this show. A lot of you have watched it from the very beginning. It's great to see the audience that we're starting to build. This is a community of people dedicated to love and happiness and there's nothing more gratifying than being able to be part of that for me. So thank you. And the reason I started off with those thanks is because this is our Thanksgiving special. This is a show about today, about gratitude and how we can actually be more grateful people for our own benefit and for the benefit of the whole world. I'm going to give you the information today that you can use to become a more grateful person and thus a happier person and to build a happier world through your gratitude and be an example of the kind of person that you want to be. If I do my job today, you're going to be ready because if you're watching this in the day that it comes out, it's before Thanksgiving and you're going to go into the Thanksgiving holiday warmed up and ready for that holiday in a way that I hope is really good for you and really good for the people that you love. So before we get started, as always, please give me your comments, give me your criticisms, give me your feedback, your suggestions. You can write to me at OfficeHours at ArthurBricks.com or you can put it in the comment sections or wherever you're watching or listening to this podcast. We read those too and we feed back on that on YouTube and Spotify and on Apple. So please let us know what you think. Also, if you like this podcast and you like the written form, something that goes along with it, something you might want to read, just start your week each week, three to 500 words, my newsletter's free. And you can get that by going to www.ArthurBricks.com. There you'll join hundreds of thousands of people that are reading that every week and I'm delighted that they are and you can share that with other people. You can forward it to other people. There's something that you find interesting. What am I going to talk about today? Well, in the theme of gratitude, I'm going to tell you why it's hard. If you feel like an ungrateful wretch, I'm going to show you the evolutionary biology that led you to be an ungrateful wretch and why you're actually quite normal in being one. Second, I'm going to talk about some experimental studies that show how to become more grateful to override your evolutionary proclivity toward ingratitude. And last but not least, I'm going to talk about how you can make it make gratitude a greater habit, how you can make it a habit in your own life. So it's going to be really super practical for Thanksgiving weekend and indeed, I hope, for the rest of the year as well. Did you ever beat yourself up because you should be more grateful than you are? Were you ever criticized by loved ones? I get that and I get that a lot by the way because, you know, I have this, I have a life that I've always wanted. I'm very, very grateful for the life that I'm leading. But I complain a lot. And part of that is this affect profile. I've talked about that on the show. I'm the mad scientist of unusually high positive affect, but also unusually high negative affect, which means that the limbic system of my brain that processes negative emotions, fear, anger, disgust, and sadness, they tend to be quite active and I get an intense level of that. The result is that a lot of the time I'm complaining and look, I'm 61 years old for Pete's life. I should have learned how to be a better person and yet Esther, my long suffering, beloved wife of 34 years and counting, you know, puts up with a lot of nonsense for me about when I have this beautiful life, but I'm complaining about the things that I don't like all the time. Why is it? You know, and it's, we do it all the time, you know, just constantly. You know, I found myself two weeks ago saying, you know, first class in the United Airlines has really gone downhill. Like, really? Right? Or you're in, you know, in Starbucks and, you know, somebody in front of you is ordered a caramel macchiato, frappe, oatmeal, or chata with macadamia milk and is paying in nickels and you're like, eh, you're not grateful for the fact that you're, you know, about to get a delicious coffee. You're mad about the fact that it's going to take you, you know, three or four minutes longer. Why is that? And the answer is evolution. Let me tell you about a very important concept which is called negativity bias. Negativity bias is our tendency to focus on the negative versus the positive. Why? Because that's how our ancestors passed on their genes. Negative emotions keep you alive. Positive emotions are nice to have. That's the rule. Fear, anger, disgust, and sadness, those are the four negative emotions and all of them were evolved to help you survive and pass on your genes. Really important, all of them. And you think like, how is sadness evolved? The answer is because you need to have an aversion against losing the people or things that you love. You need to know that sadness is so painful that I'm not going to say that thing that's inside my head that's going to give me 48 hours of silence with my spouse. That's why, because you don't want to actually suffer the loss and that's what the organ inside your limbic system called the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex which governs, you know, social rejection and how painful it is, that's the reason that you've got that is so that you'll behave in a way and you'll have a tendency to avoid certain things that could be really, really dangerous and bad for you. That's why anger and fear exist so that you can flee threats or stand up to threats as the case may be. Disgust is so you don't get poisoned. It's really important to understand that you've got to pay attention to those things because threats can be real emergencies and if you don't pay attention to them, you're just looking, it's like, it's a great day. You'll get eaten by a tiger and not pass on your genes and so the result is that the ungrateful among us were the ones who survived and that's what's reached you today. Your ungrateful 500 generation ago ancestor is the reason that you're a grouch. So blame them. Blame mother nature. That's called negativity bias and you can actually see it today. I mean, if you're at a party and somebody's smiling sweetly at you from across the room, that's nice to have. If somebody's frowning angrily, you take notice because that more likely to become a problem for you out on the street when you get out of that party and so you do. It affects our lives all over the place. You go out to dinner with a bunch of friends and you're having a great time. It's a great night. You're having fun and at the end of the night at the restaurant, two of the people there get into this kind of nasty argument about politics. Like your spouse and somebody else's spouse and it's kind of insulting and kind of nasty. It's a little thing. It's like five minutes and the dinner itself was three hours. What are you going to remember next year about that night? Oh, that's that night that, oh yeah, that bad argument. Why? Negativity bias because that got your attention because that's important for survival, generally speaking. That explains why you're an ungrateful wretch. Your ancestors were ungrateful. They were suspicious. They were hostile and they were unbelievably anxious. They were and they actually escaped becoming some animals dinner until at least they could pass on their genes and thank God for that. So that's kind of how in gratitude wins out over gratitude. And so if you just go in, if you live in a state of nature, if you're living the, you know, people say you should live in authentically. You know, you should live in habitat. Not emotionally, you shouldn't. Absolutely. Because if you're living your most natural self, you're going to be truly grumpy and feel terrible and you're going to be making people miserable pretty much all the time. You need to override that. Now here's an important point that I want to make. The incredible prefrontal cortex of Homo sapiens, that bumper of tissue behind your forehead, that's like 30% of your brain by weight. This is what sets us apart from all the other animals. We've got two choices and big parts of life. There's animal tendencies and there's moral aspirations. There's the person that you tend to be without trying to be and there's a person you want to be through your efforts. And the prefrontal cortex gives us agency, gives us the ability to choose to be moral who we want to be as opposed to kind of what we're, what we're, we have an urge to be. And I got nothing against animal tendencies, but I really like moral aspirations. Here's how you understand it. In gratitude is your animal tendency. Gratitude is a manual override of that to get you into the space of your moral aspirations. Now sometimes it comes a little bit naturally, but it's brief and fleeting and usually not that intense. And then you go back to your ungrateful self. However, if you understand this metacognitively, and you know that if you've been watching this show for a while, it basically means managing your feelings so they don't manage you, you can actually systematically override the ingratitude and become a more systematically and habitually grateful person. And if you do, you're going to love what happens to your life. I've been writing about this stuff for years. I've been, I've been doing a lot of work on gratitude. It goes back about five years at this point, as a matter of fact, no longer eight years, I think is the first time I wrote a serious paper on gratitude. If you want that, I'll put a couple of my columns that are kind of survey columns in the show notes about gratitude generally around Thanksgiving. I like to write a gratitude column. People like it. And what they basically find is that when you are a grateful person, when you're authentically expressing gratitude, you get happier and so does everybody else. This is a true win-win. If you can learn how to do these techniques, and there's a lot of research on it. So if you go to these research articles that I'm going to put in the show notes, just go through them and hit the links, and you're going to find all the papers that you want to see as much data about gratitude as you need. But you knew it already, that when you're grateful, you feel better, and when you're grateful, everybody else likes you better. So why? Why is that? Well, it turns out that we know why based on the research. There's kind of three big reasons that gratitude will actually raise well-being and life satisfaction. I mean, it might seem obvious, but when you think about it, you need the reasons why too, because then we're going to need this information when we put together our strategies. One is that it tends to interrupt the cycles of rumination, of negative rumination. Now, interrupting bad moods is a really important thing to do. I'll give you an example of how interruption can be an important tool in your emotional arsenal. You've got a little kid in your house. I live with my grandsons, with two of my grandsons, and one of them is a toddler. I mean, he's two and change, and he's got an active amygdala. He feels like the part of the limbic system that governs fear and anger, and so he gets super mad, as all toddlers do. He's awesome. He's awesome. But sometimes he gets really, really mad at little things that frustrate him. Like, he cut the crusts off his little sandwich in the wrong way or something, and he gets really, really mad. So what do you want to do? You want to interrupt the functioning of his amygdala. The best way to do that is by grabbing his attention. Why? Because the amygdala governs your attention as well. So if you basically say, hey, hey, hey, hey, look over here. I found this thing. I wanted to show you this thing. Enthusiastically, he'll be like, huh, what? And he won't be freaking out. That's an emotional interruption. And that works across the range of emotions, and gratitude is a perfect example of interrupting a cycle of negative rumination, negative emotional rumination, where you're kind of ruminating. Rumination comes from the Latin word ruminare, which means to chew the cud like a cow. That's what that verb actually means. And when you're doing that, I mean, it can be bad. You can spend a day or a week in this negative rumination cycle, especially a sadness, bitterness, anxiety, worry, you know how it feels, and you want to interrupt it. Gratitude does that. This interruption, it makes it impossible for you to continue ruminating. Why? Because you've changed the attention in your brain. You've changed the emphasis on what you're looking at. You literally moved the energy on what you're paying attention to from one part of the limbic system to another part of the limbic system that's going from governing a recursive and iterative negative emotion to one that's punctuating that with positivity, most notably gratitude. And furthermore, that you're doing it on purpose, which is great. That's one of the reasons that gratitude, that systematic gratitude lowers depressive symptoms, reduces stress, and reduces anxiety. Got the data on this. Really good stuff on this. One of the Apex journals in psychology, the journal of clinical psychology, feeling thanks and saying thanks or randomized control trial, examining if and how socially oriented gratitude journals work. More on gratitude journals than a second. But the whole point is this stuff is real and this stuff will affect your brain. The psychology of gratitude is biology. Of course, because it's always biology. The second reason is that it's related to the first, obviously, is pulling attention away from what you lack toward what you have. Now, one of the reasons that will ruminate on sadness and anxiety and worry and all that is because we're worried about not having something or something happening we don't like or not something not happening that we do want. In other words, it's a scarcity mentality. It's a scarcity fear is what a lot of these recursive negative emotions are all about. Instead of focusing on the thing that we lack, gratitude always focuses you toward the things that you have. Maybe it's something that you have that you really like. Maybe it's something not happening that you're glad is not happening. This is another way to think about it. It's sort of in the inverse. But one way or the other, this redirects your attention. Remember, what you're trying to do is interrupt negative cycles and emotionality, interrupting them to do what? From what to what, it's what you lack to what you have. That's what a gratitude, a gratitude intervention actually does. Therefore, what it's actually doing a lot of the time, especially in the cases of being ungrateful because something you want that you don't have is that gratitude will, and it's clear in the research that it diminishes envy and materialism. Envy and materialism are your enemy when it comes to your happiness. Now, I know why they exist. Materialism and envy exist because we live in a hierarchical kin-based society and we want to climb. And the way that you know where you stand in a hierarchical society is by looking at what people above you have and saying, I want that. And that gives you an impulse. It gives you an incentive to kind of go for it. That's how envy and materialism work, but that doesn't make you happy because Mother Nature doesn't care if you're happy. She just wants you to pass on your genes. And a lot of the times, especially in modern life with technology, with the internet, where we can compare ourselves against everybody in the world and just walk around feeling horribly ungrateful constantly, you need that manual override to interrupt the cycle of the cycle of negative emotionality to lower your anxiety and depressive symptoms and turn you from envy and materialism toward gratitude for what you have. And you have a lot. That's why we all do. Of interest, by the way, is some of this research that shows that there's these other big benefits that I really like to talk about with gratitude. When people feel grateful and express gratitude, it has a huge impact on their romantic relationships. One of the best things that you can do for your partnership, for your romantic partnership, is to focus on all the reasons you're grateful for that person. Conversely, one of the most corrosive things that actually happens in a marriage or any romance for that matter is to ruminate on your ingratitude. No, to ruminate on your bitterness, on your resentment. That's a really super easy thing to do. And especially when you're in a highly hot emotional, hedonic state, negative emotional which for me is the morning. And so one of the things that I like to do as part of my morning protocol, when I'm thinking, for example, when I'm in my period of worship and meditation, is meditating on all the reasons I'm really, really grateful for my wife because I'm telling you, I mean, I'd be a mess if it weren't for her. And little irritations fade into nothing as to when I'm actually being realistic. Gratitude is realism, by the way. It's being a realistic person. If you want to be authentic about the facts, don't be authentic for how you feel. Be authentic to the truth and the facts about your life. That's why gratitude really matters. So it will really help your romance. Second, is it's unbelievably good for reducing burnout at work in particularly difficult times of work for you and really heavy workflow. Or when you don't like your boss or you don't feel like you're being adequately appreciated or noted for what you're doing. Gratitude for having a job and doing something that you actually care about, assuming that you do, that's an almost immediate antidote to burnout. Now, it's not a permanent solution. I'm going to do a show on burnout coming up because there's a bunch of neuroscience and behavioral science and burnout that you can use to help you build a career that's more satisfying and better and healthier for you. But in the meantime, when you need a break glass plan, when you need the like anti burnout pill, it's gratitude. It will really, really help you a lot. So where do you get it? You can't buy it. It's only homemade. That's the important thing to keep in mind. You can make gratitude, but you can't buy gratitude. If you could take your gratitude pill, that would be great. No doubt there are some ways that you can alter your brain pharmaceutical that would make you feel more gratitude. I mean, I can imagine anything that will flood serotonin in your brain will probably make you feel more gratitude. And in point of fact, I've heard actually people say that when they experiment with hallucinogenic drugs, which I don't do or recommend because I think we need a lot more research on that. And when we do, I promise you will do an episode on it on the science of that. But people who have experimented a lot with that, they'll say that they're just flooded with gratitude. That's obviously a psychiatric effect of the drugs that are doing that. There are ways to do it without drugs. And that's what I want to talk about now. One of the best ways for you to inflect your happiness upward is by developing more openness to new experiences. And one of the best ways to do that is by seeing new things that are away from home. That's why travel has been associated in so much research with higher levels of happiness. Travel leads to greater happiness. I know that for a fact, I've been traveling my whole life and I love to travel. That's why I'm so pleased that I get to talk about Expedia. Expedia is an all in one travel site. I love it. I use it constantly. We book flights, hotels, rental cars. You can do cruises, vacation packages, kind of anything that you need to do that's away from home. You can do through Expedia to plan your next trip, make it easy to find the best deals and just have the best possible seamless, easy journey. So you can focus on what you really care about, which is getting out of the house and doing something cool. That's why I'm so pleased that Expedia is a sponsor of this podcast to make it easy and to find the best deals on every part of your wonderful journey toward greater happiness. I promise you, you're going to like what actually happens to your life. I certainly like what Expedia is doing for me. I'm a user myself and I recommend it to you. Start saving now at Expedia.com. What does the research say? Now there's a really, really famous paper. It's going to go in the show notes. This is a classic. It's an old paper from 2003. I can't believe that 2003 is old. Anyway, and this is by Emmons and McCullough. These are the seminal work by these great social psychologists. These are the kings of gratitude research on listing things and focusing on the list. So in other words, it's bringing into the fore, bringing into the prefrontal cortex what might have been lurking in the background, thinking consciously and using your executive centers to write down the things you're actually grateful for so that you're conscious of them. That's the famous gratitude list exercise that no doubt that you've heard about. In their research, they have college students. Students always call their students because undergraduates do anything for 20 bucks. And they'll bring them into the lab and there's three groups. One actually has to write a gratitude list. And they write a gratitude list and they look at their list and they update their list once a week. The other has a list of current events and the third group has a list of things that are annoying them, of hassles. They call it the hassles list. The gratitude listors at the end of 10 weeks are 6% happier. They have a 6% higher well-being, self-evaluated well-being than the current events lists and 12% higher than the people who are just listing their hassles. Now, Mother Nature wants you to list your hassles. She really does. And by the way, your therapist might want you to list your hassles too. That might be what you're doing when you go to therapy every week is just talking about your, the things you're mad about. And my mom, you know, my school, you might be accidentally doing an ingratitude list every week in your therapy. And that could be pretty problematic when you think about it because this, this research is really clear that that could be depressing your happiness just by listing things for which you're ungrateful. Maybe unburdening yourself is not the right way to go. On the contrary, Emmons McCulloch's stuff really suggests that you should be focusing on the things for which you're grateful as opposed to that for which you're ungrateful. Now a 12% increase in happiness, I mean, drugs don't work that well. So that's something you should be doing. Of course. I'll talk about more about how to do that in a second. The second big research strain comes from Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania. This is actually one of my great intellectual heroes and somebody who's been a mentor to me for, for, for a long time, Marty Seligman, who's one of the kings of social psychology. He invented the whole field of positive psychology, which says that if you can actually learn how to become a more positive person, no matter where you are in your psychiatric journey, you know, you're behind the line of scrimmage because you're suffering from a mood disorder or you're, you're kind of the average of the population or you're even happier person than normal. Positive psychology will give you the techniques and advantages so you can even get down the field further where you can become a happier person. Why should we treat all fitness as if it were physical therapy for people with injuries? You don't do that. You want people who are perfectly healthy to have even better lives. Medicine, as Peter Atia calls it, medicine 3.0, where medicine is where you're doing things in your life that prevent problems going forward. So positive psychology is kind of a medicine 3.0 concept. He's the king of this stuff. And he knows perfectly that gratitude is one of the best tools in the field of positive psychology. One of the things he recommends is, is gratitude letters. And what that means is that you're writing down, like the gratitude list, things you're grateful for to a particular person and sending them a letter. And you know, maybe it's an email or a text, by the way, but, but it's actually telling somebody that you're grateful. And he's got all of these really interesting studies and I'll put it in the show notes, by the way, some of the stuff on, on, on gratitude letters, on how incredibly powerful it is. And it, and here's the, the bonus of it. When you write somebody a gratitude letter, it actually affects your happiness for really long period of time. So gratitude listing is really good, but it's pretty short lived gratitude letters. He has evidence that shows that people get happier for like six months. Like, wow, that's, that's unbelievable. And probably that has to do with the fact with the enhanced relationship with the receiver of the letter, because these are people who are presumably in your life. You send your mother a gratitude letter, you and your mother, you're going to have a better relationship and, and that's going to make you happier for a long time until it's time for the next gratitude letter or maybe one from her to you. So that's an important thing to keep in mind on how that actually works. And I'm going to talk about actually how to make that happen, but I want to say one thing about that for a second about Marty Seligman's gratitude letters. Even if you know what the person is doing is writing a gratitude letter as a gratitude intervention. Even if you know that you still get the benefit from the person because it just lifts people up. And I know that because Marty last year wrote me a gratitude letter. He wrote me a gratitude email actually. It came on like the very, I think it was on January 1st. I was like, it's great. And he just said, I really appreciate the work that you're doing. I think it's really good. And I'm like, the great Marty Seligman thanked me for the work that I'm doing. It was like month made. And I know, I mean, he's doing a gratitude letter because he's, you know, he's just like, doctor treat thyself. I got it, you know, and it's still, I mean, it was sincere. I mean, he would have written it to me and be hypocritical about it. He's, he's the real deal. And it just made me really, really happy that he did that. He was like, I'm ready. If you're listening, you're the best. Third is, is what's known as public action in which you find a public venue in which to, to thank somebody for something that they've done. That might be somebody you know, it might be somebody you don't know is doing a kind of a public gratitude proclamation. And the old days, that would be hard. Now is the easiest possible thing you can do in the ad in the social media. You post something about somebody you admire. I was just really grateful to that person. With three of her colleagues and a really important paper and effective science called what is the optimal way to give thanks, comparing a bunch of interventions, one of them was this public action where people would put on social media, how grateful they were to somebody else, a friend, a colleague, stranger, even a celebrity, I don't know, somebody that you're really, really grateful for, and it, it has a nice impact on the, the grateful person, also on the person who's getting the thanks for sure, but it's really, has a big, you It's like, I'm publicly going to say that. It makes you feel better. It raises your well-being, lowers your anxiety, decreases depressive symptoms, et cetera, et cetera. Careful about this because you don't want to suck up. Public expressions of gratitude can be a big suck up. People will see right through that. Let me tell you. My colleague, Mike Norton at Harvard Business School, has done a bunch of work on humble bragging. Humble bragging is when you're bragging, but you're planning to be humble. Forgot to take my suit to the cleaners. Today, I have to go see the president of the United States. What a moron I am. That's like a humble brag. It's not humble at all. People see right through it. Our brains are unbelievably good at intuition. We've got a million spider senses to suss out when somebody's being a humble bragger, which is to say that they're being an egomaniac and trying not to look like an egomaniac. Not only they're an egomaniac, but they're an insincere egomaniac. There's nothing good that comes from that. People really dislike you if you do humble bragging. People also see, and it's the reason I say that as an example, we also see suck-up, suck-upperry, that word. That's the word now. People see it. They see absolutely right through it. It's like, oh, I'm so grateful for all the wonderful work that the Kardashians have done over the last decade for American society and culture or something like that. Maybe you mean it, but it's not going to look good. It's not a good look for you because what you're trying to do is to get the attention of somebody who's important or you're trying to get on the good side of somebody, don't suck up. People are not going to appreciate it, and they're going to know it's actually sucking up. It has to be actually true. What you're saying? Authentic. The fourth intervention in the research is called grateful contemplation, where you're actually grateful, but you keep it to yourself. You focus on the gratitude you're feeling for another person. You're thinking briefly about things that you're grateful for and people that you're grateful for. What this shows is that this gives you an immediate mood boost, a very transient but immediate mood boost. This is an emergency intervention, you might call it. This is something that you can actually do at any particular moment. You're feeling like you're in a cycle of negativity, and you're going downward, downward, downward, downward. You can break that cycle with this grateful contemplation intervention that doesn't take anything more than, let's take 45 seconds here and take a time out. Let's start counter blessings. That's blessings counting is really what it comes down to. That's really, really effective. Nice paper in the journal Psychosomatic Research from 2009 called gratitude influences sleep through the mechanism of pre-sleep cognitions. It's got a lot of stuff in that paper, but this is one of the things where grateful contemplation, they actually find that being gratefully contemplative before you go to sleep is a good way to do that. I like it. Now, let me talk for just a quick second about the dark side of gratitude before I give you some really practical suggestions on how to make this into a gratitude protocol not just for Thanksgiving week, but for the rest of your life. There's a dark side of gratitude where you're feeling like you're forced to express gratitude when you're not grateful. Remember when you were a little kid and you got your Christmas presents or your holiday presents and your parents made you write these thank you notes? It's interesting. A friend of mine said that his worst memory from adolescence, I said, what's it going to be? It's like, you got hit by a car. He went to jail. He says, no, it was writing 300 thank you notes after my bar mitzvah. He's like, why do people hate that so much? The reason is because it makes you intensely unhappy to be expressing gratitude you don't feel. That creates a cognitive dissonance and that's incredibly uncomfortable. It really is important that you're thinking about what you can be grateful for and not expressing gratitude for things that you're actually not grateful for. It's not just your parents who are imposing this on you. You impose this on yourself a lot. Make a gratitude list and really be grateful for even the hard times. You're like, yeah, I'm so grateful for this painful case of shingles. No, no, no, you're not. You shouldn't be. That's okay. But there is something that you can be grateful for about it like what I'm learning from this negative experience. I'm grateful for this negative experience. If you've been watching the show for a while, I recommend the Failure Journal or the Disappointment Journal where when something bad happens, you write it down and how it's making you feel, then a week later you come back and write down what you learned from it and then three weeks or three months, depending on how you want to do it, later you come back and write underneath that entry what benefit you got from it. Even though you still don't want it to have happened, what growth you actually got from the experience, that's how you actually do gratitude about something for which you're actually not grateful because there's a secondary or tertiary phenomenon associated with it with learning and growth and that's the thing to actually be thinking about. Not the shingles themselves, but actually how you dealt with it and the people actually helped you and et cetera, et cetera. It might be considerably after the fact. Okay, protocols. Gratitude protocols. It's a four-part gratitude protocol I want to be talking about here. Okay, number one. Actually, number one and two are the weekly treatment. You need a weekly treatment and it has two parts to it. The first one is your gratitude lesson. I recommend on Sunday night before you go to bed, take 10 to 15 minutes and write the five things you're most grateful for. I don't care how stupid they are. Like a Red Sox one today. I don't care how dumb it is. Maybe it's really profound. Like I'm grateful to God for giving me life. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's a little thing like I can't, you know that little bag of peanuts I ate today was so salty and delicious. Whatever happens to be. You be you, but write down things that you're authentically grateful for. Five things. Write them down and keep the list. I recommend actually taping it up to your bathroom mirror or to your computer screen before you go to bed on Sunday night. Then each day when you wake up Monday through Saturday, take two minutes, two full minutes, look at it on your watch and study your gratitude list. And go through each one. So, yep, really internalize it. Every Sunday update the list. Maybe you keep one thing, maybe you substitute something else in, keep it to about five items so it doesn't sprawl into the 600 item gratitude list, which is not going to be very helpful for you, but do that. That's a weekly protocol. So I'm assigning you that homework on this. You're at office hours, so fair is fair. That's assignment number one. That's weekly. Sundays and then for two minutes each morning. Second, start one day a week. I recommend Monday morning by writing one text or email of appreciation to somebody for something that you really appreciate. The work that they did, something you admire, a favor they did, whatever it happens to be. If you're in a position of power or authority in your company, this is going to change your relationship with the people who work for you. But even if you're not, then this can be a really, really important, good thing to do, either at work or in your personal life. But every Monday, I would say one text or email, make it two if you're trying to get kind of ambitious here, but don't make it 10 because it'll take up too much time and it'll become a burden and you won't do it. So just one or two. And by the way, you might want to write it down on Saturday or Sunday. That's the one I'm going to write so that you remember and write that. This is your weekly protocol is the gratitude list and the gratitude note. That's your weekly thing starting now. The third thing to do is opportunistic public action, which when you have opportunities, start looking for ways to thank people publicly. Find ways to kind of give people flowers that they're not expecting. These wonderful internet videos and these memes where people just run up to somebody and give them a bouquet of flowers and run away just to look at their reaction, to look at the positive emotionality that actually, and what that's doing is you can see somebody is really worried about their day and then somebody just runs up and gives them a dozen roses and as long as it doesn't seem like weird or creepy, what that does is that's emotional interruption that we were talking about before. And that's an override that creates an emotional override, which is a lovely thing to see. Do that opportunistically as often as you can. So when you see opportunities to do it, something that you read and reach out on social media and say, I just saw this really great article. I thought it was beautifully written. This essay, I thought it was wonderful. Maybe you find something that really moves you, a song that really moves you and you want to talk about it on a platform that you find useful and say, I just thought that was really, really beautiful. I'm grateful for that song. Maybe the artist sees it, maybe the artist doesn't, but it will really help you in an opportunistic way when you hear something, see something, witness something that you find is beautiful and you have the opportunity to express your gratitude to do that. Okay, step four is authenticity check. Is having an authenticity check. Am I being a suck up or not? Or am I being authentic? That's a really important thing to do, taking care, making sure that it's very clear to yourself because you're the person who matters on this. Your happiness after all, that you're being authentic at all the things that you do and systematically saying, am I expressing gratitude for things for which I'm truly and only truly grateful? Actually, I didn't put in part five, did I? Part five is grateful contemplation. Use that how you want. Maybe a little bit of grateful contemplation when you first lie down before you go to sleep at night and maybe the first thing when you wake up in the morning, try that. All right, that's number five, grateful contemplation. Your five part protocol. We have time for a couple of audience questions and there's some things that I really like. Anne Howell writes in by email, I talk about raising success and happiness at work. What about the trade off between success and happiness? This is important, right? When you need a job that is more successful insofar that it pays you more and you need more for your family, but it's not necessarily a job that you like, how do you make that trade off? Here's a weird thing from the literature. For most people, that's not a trade off. The reason is that when they're doing something that they authentically find to be a calling, that they do it really, really well and they tend to be compensated pretty well for it. The important thing to do is to find your calling. Here's the thing. There's a great concept in Japanese called ikigai. Some of you have heard about it, I-K-I-G-A-I, ikigai. Ikigai is really the way to find your calling and your calling has four parts to it. What I love, what I'm good at, what the world needs and what people will pay me for. In other words, if it doesn't fit one of those things, it's not your calling. Looking for something that actually fits the Venn diagram, what I love, what I'm good at with the world needs and what the world will pay me for, that's really a beautiful thing because then there's not this trade off that we're talking about. In the meantime, when there are trade offs, it's very important to focus on the gratitude that you have for the ability to support your family, to support yourself and to support your family. I remember one time, my wife is always really struggled with her dentists and all that because she grew up in Spain, dental work wasn't good. By the time we got married and immigrated to the United States, she was at the dentist all the time. She had a really painful dental procedure, like two root canals and crowns and it was expensive and it was time consuming. I said, I'm sorry. She said, you know what? I'm not sorry. I said, why not? I'm actually unbelievably grateful. I live in a country where I have a great dentist and I can actually pay this dentist. Idol money lies in your current account picking crumbs out of its belly button wondering, should I eat them? But when you start investing with Monzo, your money's always busy. It turns on regular investments, invests your spare change and tops up your stocks and shares ICER. It even helps you make sense of risk and return. Monzo, the bank that gets your money moving. You could get back less than you invest. Monzo current account required UK residents 18 plus T's and C's apply. And that's the truth of the matter about most things, isn't it? It's actually finding the reason to be grateful, which gets us back to the main idea in this episode. Maxwell Love also, great name, writes to us by email, how do I find something bigger than myself besides just relationship and religion? Not always besides relationship and religion. Don't make sure that you're not exempting relationship and religion, spirituality, philosophy, the transcendent. These things are really important. Love and transcendence are critically important. But what else? Right, right Maxwell? What else is what we're talking about? This is kind of related to Anne's question about calling. I got to do a whole episode on calling because man, I've been thinking about this an awful lot. And I've got a whole chapter in this new book coming out next March about how finding your calling actually directs you to the meaning of your life. Calling at work is a matter of fact. Here are the three questions to ask yourself. What are my values? What are the things I truly care about the most? What are the things I care about? Second, what is it that serves those values? What is it that serves those values? And third, what could I be doing every day that would actually serve those values in work or not in work? And to do a little contemplation of those things, you can't feed that into chat GPT because literally it will use the wrong side of your brain. These are right hemisphere questions of mystery and meaning. And you can only do that by doing the work. Maxwell, go for a nice long walk and contemplate those questions and you'll be led. You won't find the answers. Those answers will find you, which is what we ultimately want. Well, we've come to the end of this episode. I hope you're having a lovely Thanksgiving week. And if you're watching this after Thanksgiving week, I hope you're having a wonderful year of thanks and that this episode is going to help you to be a more grateful person. These techniques have certainly helped me in my life. I'm not perfect. I'm still an ungrateful wretch. Just ask my wife. But when I need help, this is what I do and this will help you too. Let me know your thoughts at the email address, officehoursatorthebricks.com. Keep writing in those questions. Keep, by the way, please share this episode or any episode of this with your 3 million closest friends because we need a movement of happiness and gratitude, don't we? And how do people actually discover good stuff by their smart friends who are already consuming that good stuff? That's you, not me. Like and subscribe on Spotify, YouTube, Apple, any place where you're getting this podcast and leave a comment. I'm going to read it and I appreciate you for taking the time not just for listening or watching this, but for making a comment. Follow me on social media, Instagram, LinkedIn, other platforms. You can find me all over the place and you'll be getting content that you're actually not even seeing here. Some of the stuff that's actually original to those particular platforms. And if you want some essays on this, more essays along these lines, my newest book is The Happiness File. It's the old book right behind me and check it out if you like. And don't forget to patronize our wonderful sponsors who make this show possible. Have a great week. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. I'm grateful to you. As I put a bite of turkey in my mouth, I'm going to be grateful that you're actually creating a better world alongside me. Have a great week. Thanks for watching.