"My Parents Hate My Partner, My New Year Goals Always Fail & Can I Be Happy Alone?" 💌 January Magic Mailbag

Idol money lies in your current account picking crumbs out of its belly button wondering, should I eat them? But when you start investing with Monzo, your money's always busy. You turn on regular investments, invests your spare change, and tops up your stocks and shares' isre. It even helps you make sense of risk and return. Monzo, the bank that gets your money moving. You could get back less than you invest. Monzo current account required UK residents 18 plus TCC supply. Hi everyone. March 8th is the start of sleep awareness week. A reminder to all of us that sleep really is what everything. When you sleep better, you live better. And that's at the heart of what we do here. So to mark the week I'm offering a 30 day free trial of team magic, our premium feed, available until March 16th. A team magic subscription gives you ad free listening plus hundreds of exclusive sleep at no secession designed to help you fall asleep faster and sleep more deeply through the night. Along with an additional premium only release every other week, you'll also unlock the extended magic mail back episodes where I answer your questions in full. So if you've been wanting to improve your sleep and experience the very best of sleep magic, this is the perfect time to begin. And with 30 days free, you'll have time to feel the difference. We only offer this extended trial a few times a year. So if this feels like your moment, tap, try free in Apple podcasts or use the link in the show notes. There's no better week to choose rest. And I'll be right here when you're ready. Hi everyone. I'm Jessica Porter and welcome back to sleep magic, a podcast where I help you find the magic of your own mind, helping you to sleep better and live better. Welcome everyone. We are doing this month's mail bag episode where I do my best to answer the questions that you've sent in. And before we dive into those questions, I need to save you things. First, I am not an expert on any of these topics with the exception of hypnosis. I sort of understand. But on everything else, I'll give you my experience, my perspective, my opinions, and I may even be stumped by some of your questions and I won't pretend to know stuff that I don't. So if you need professional help or support with some of these issues, I encourage you to seek it out. Second, this episode may not be appropriate for children, but as I think it through, I really don't think there's anything in here that a kid couldn't handle this week. Sometimes there is. And finally, if you tend to fall asleep while you listen to my voice, please do not listen to this in the car or while you're doing something important. Make sure you're listening to it in a safe space. Great. Well, let's do it. Here we go. Okay, from anonymous. I feel like my parents don't like my boyfriend. They never said it explicitly to my face, but I can just tell there are parts of him they're not keen on. For example, he's more introverted than me so we don't go out that much. I'd never let their opinion dictate my relationship status, but they raised me. Do they know me better than I know myself? Is their opinion important? Wow. Thank you, anonymous. That's a great question. Before I dig into it, I just want to say, I'm going to assume here that this is not an abusive relationship. You've given no indication of that. But if it is, I think you need to get out. And like I said, nothing you've said indicates that. I'm just saying the opinions and beliefs and maybe suggestions I'm about to say are all based on the premise that this is not an abusive relationship. Abuse does not get better on its own. And you can't love somebody out of being abusive. So for anyone listening who feels like they're an abusive relationship, share, get help, and get out. Going back to your question, anonymous, you say, do they know me better than myself? I love that. This is a great, many question. I think the parents who have actually parented us because some parents are not present or available. They do probably know us in a way we don't know ourselves. Absolutely. But that's not a better way, per se. They know you albeit intimately, but from the outside. Only you know you from the inside. And the inside information is, at the end of the day, the most important. If we don't let ourselves feel our feelings and think our own thoughts, if we repress ourselves, it can certainly feel like people outside of us have more information than we do. And maybe they do have many important data points, but your life will always be lived through your human consciousness from within your body. And no one can do that. But you. And when you embrace that truth and begin to let yourself think freely and feel freely, you will not only know yourself better than anyone else. You will have the opportunity to tap into your inner guidance, which can help you make good decisions. Yes, the feedback of loved ones is an important part of the mix, but you have to take your own internal data into account as well. Some people say, data, sorry, it's bugging you. Okay, one important caveat here, and I do not presume that it applies to you, just like I didn't presume you were an abusive relationship, but it's important caveat. When we become altered by extreme substances, drugs, the influence of really authoritarian people, too much alcohol, whatever, our internal data can become hijacked by those substances or those influences. So I'm not saying whatever you're feeling in any situation is right and the truth and you should follow that impulse. I'm just saying that we encounter the outside world and its opinions and we have our inside world and its thoughts and feelings and hopefully they harmonize much of the time. But no matter what, we need to consider them both and provide it that you're a relatively healthy person. I think your internal data points should take the driver's seat of your life. Okay, so back to your question. I just want to say it's interesting that you say they've never actually said anything to you directly. So that just makes me wonder if it's actually true. Are they actually judging him along these particular lines? Maybe you should ask them what their thoughts are on him if you really want to know or get clarity on this issue or do you not want to know? I realize that if they have negative opinions about him, it may be hard to hear and even harder to forget. But the fact that nothing has actually been said on the topic also allows this to be possibly a projection on your part. Do you have issues with your boyfriend around his introversion and the fact that you guys don't go out? And you're just imagining that your parents are feeling and thinking these things, projecting those feelings onto them. It's possible and worth asking yourself that question. Okay, sorry I'm going all over the place, but I'm going to switch back to it. Let's imagine that your parents do have these feelings, that you're sensing correctly and they are judging him. I feel like part of being a parent is learning how to let go and allow one's child to be who they are and accept who they choose. And yes, even though your parents know a version of you and have witnessed your evolution more closely than maybe anybody, it doesn't mean they know who you're supposed to become. It doesn't mean that they have any actual control over who you are meant to be. No one, not even parents, can predict the future. And that can be very difficult for some parents. Because obviously they paid the bills, they created the environment, they loved you, they instilled the values, they modeled behavior, parenting is such an active, invested, deep, emotional, sacred process. And yet you can't actually control someone's essence. It's kind of like a gardener does all sorts of work to support a seed in blooming. He nourishes the soil, he waters it regularly, exposes it to sunlight, protects it from pests. But the gardener is not the seed and he can't make the seed do what he wants it to do. He can just create the environment that allows the blooming to happen. So if your parents are having a hard time with who you've chosen as a boyfriend and this person is essentially good, then it's their work to learn how to do it. You can't detach and accept over time. I don't know if they'll do it. You certainly can't make them do it, but you could ask them to. Ask them to try. The next part of your question is, is there opinion important? I sort of answered that above but I'm going to go into it again. Yes, it's important in that it compels you to look inside and see how you're feeling and get honest with yourself. But it's not important in terms of determining the relationship. That is yours to do. The history of the world is littered with disappointed parents who don't like their daughter's boyfriend and vice versa. So not having them 100% on board is nothing new, but it can be uncomfortable. Someone wants their family to feel unified and for the family to love the people that we bring into it. You may feel really split in half if you love your boyfriend, but he's not fully embraced within your inner circle. But who knows? You may be sensing that your parents aren't enthusiastic about this guy, but would they be enthusiastic about anyone? Maybe your parents are the kind of people for whom nothing's good enough for their daughter. Could that be part of the picture? Just a question in case it is that again is their work, not yours. So if your parents want a happy extended family, they may have some work to do, learning to accept his qualities that they feel pull you in a direction they don't recognize or that they're not comfortable with. All of us as humans have to continually let go of what we think reality is supposed to be. And by letting go, we relax and open up a deeper part of ourselves that lets us accept reality as it is. And that's true for everyone. Parents and kids. And it's not an easy thing to do all the time. So I'm not saying all this for you to just shove it in your parents face and say this is your problem. Love and respect your parents and just understand that your life is yours and their lives are theirs. Because no matter what anonymous your job is to explore this relationship, to really be in it and assuming that your boyfriend is a good person who loves you, it's your job to weigh and measure your internal feelings over time. Does this relationship feel balanced to you? Does it feel like a place or an environment in which you can grow? Are you giving more than you're receiving? Most of the time or is it more balanced? Are you listened to? Are your interests respected and conversely are you listening to him and respecting him? When a relationship feels good to me, like it has a life of its own, I tend to follow its vibe, ride its wave. It's just like your parents have no control over your future and who you choose and who you don't choose. We don't really have control over whom we fall in love and where that love takes us. Love is a magical, mysterious thing and yes, we can cultivate unconditional love and try and bring that to the whole world and I'm all about that. With the people we want to attach to in daily life, the ones we want to wake up with and end the day with, the ones we choose to do life with in a messy, grounded way, well, you can't just find that chemistry at the store or just call it up on app and no one outside of you can determine which person sets that energy in motion for you. So when it comes along in my life, I tend to explore it no matter what others think. It has a life of its own and when the differences between you feel hard sometimes, maybe you need to deal with those issues and those differences in order to grow. In my life, I learn a lot from the differences between me and the people in my life. I learn to stand up for myself or say my truth or forgive or let go because chances are if I don't do that work in the current relationship, those issues are just going to show up in the next one. Ah, anonymous. Thank you for that question. I'm sorry if I was kind of all over the place with it but I hope I gave you something to think about. Next question from Sarah. Sarah talks about what they want to do in the new year. New goals, new habits, but how do you decide what to leave behind? Is there a way to know when it's time to let go of an old dream or version of yourself? Oh, I love this question, Sarah. I think you should put dreams in two piles. Like there are the ones that we achieve and we get really amazed by ourselves and reality. When things line up, we achieve our goals and sometimes they feel exactly like we imagine them, exactly like we anticipated. And you know, we look at our vision board like a year later and go, whoa, there it is. Check, check, check. That's one pile. And then the other pile maybe dreams that are just helping us grow, just pushing us forward on our journey. The dreams that aren't necessarily meant to come to completion or some grand vision, but it doesn't mean that following them is the wrong thing to do. And yeah, ultimately some of them we need to let go of. And the trick here is that we don't know when we begin which pile the dream is supposed to be in. That's okay. In traditional Chinese medicine, they look at just about everything through the lens of the five elements. And one of them is called tree energy. Sometimes also called wind. Anyway, tree energy is springtime energy. It's green and fresh and shoots sprouts up through the earth. It's really fertile, sort of a youthful growing energy. And if we apply the five elements to our minds, tree energy represents ideas, impulses, and nooness, fresh energized sprouts of dreams and ideas. And it's not a terribly grounded energy. It's sort of young and wild reaching up into the sky, out into the ether. And dreams are like that. We cast a big invisible energy net called a dream or we shoot an arrow of intention into the ether. And it's going into the unknown to some extent. And we are always unsure of how much a dream will materialize. Not every seed comes to fruition. And you know, we're going back to the gardener here. The gardener is always lurking in the corner waiting to be used as a prop. Not only will not every seed sprout, but even after many have sprouted, a gardener will thin the row and only allow every other seed or every third one to sprout, giving the other seeds room to really bloom. So what I'm trying to say is it's like not all our dreams are meant to come to fruition. And that's okay. We have way more ideas than we have completions. And that's just natural. In fact, it's abundant. It's like nature is abundant. But a dream can still help push your comfort zone, expand you into the world, keep you curious, teach you things, and stretch you as a being. Stretch your inner being. But is that particular dream steering you all the way to its ultimate Oscar-winning completion? Well, we don't know. It takes time and some trying and some observing to discover the answer to that. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. You got to step into your life and find out. Like when I first came to LA, I wanted very badly to be a professional actress on film and TV. And I'd wanted that ever since I was a kid. So it felt like a really deep old dream in me. So it was incredibly exciting to move here, to feel close to that industry, to take acting classes, go on auditions. But as I spent more and more time in this environment, which is all about that exact dream, like everyone around here has the same dream as me, I started to witness my own behavior over time. And it took a while. And I noticed that I didn't do all the things that other people were doing to achieve that dream. And at first, I was sort of mad at myself that I didn't do everything under the sun to get a better agent or update my head shots every year or go to parties to network. And after a while, I observed myself and I was like, wow, those things just aren't my priority. And in fact, some of them make me uncomfortable. They're just not who I am. And that was an identity I had to let go of. Yeah, sure. I'm an actress. I've had training. I've been in plays. Even had bit roles on TV and in movies. But am I a professional actress for whom that's like my thing 24, 7? I guess not. I guess all those posters of the partridge family on my wall when I was in fifth grade, like, weren't the endgame. And that's okay. And yeah, there was some letting go in that. But it also felt really right that I had really explored it. And over that time of observation, that wasn't just twiddling my thumbs. I was doing hypnosis. I was doing more like soul-level work paying attention to a completely different aspect of my existence. And that was all stuff I was drawn to from a deeper, more sustainable place in me than my actor. So sometimes while we're focusing on one dream, another hidden seed is secretly sprouting beneath the surface. And life is working something out without telling you. In the meantime, I was enjoying acting and classes and auditions. It's not like I hated it or threw it out. It just never became front burner. And I believe that every single moment I have ever spent on a stage or learning lines or having fun with people in an imaginary world has been an incredibly enriching, important part of my life, even though it was necessarily the ultimate highway that I was on. So I think we let go of things when we realize a few things. First, I don't think we control what we want. The energy of passion, which is needed and needs to be sustained over years or even decades, is not something we can just muscle with willpower. It's more like a river we are carried on. And we don't choose those rivers. Life does. Second, that your pleasures and talents and experiences are all good. Living is good. Having fun is good. It doesn't have to be coming to some point. In fact, there is no point except death. Not to be a bummer. But there really isn't. I mean, obviously there's points to life. I mean, I believe that love is a big part of life. I believe that connection is a big part of life. These are important things. In terms of some fantastic goal that were some dream that we're supposed to achieve, I think that the universe is so abundant that there's just many of them. Enjoy them all. Third, it's okay to let go of dreams and plans. In fact, like our gardener, sometimes we need to thin the row of seeds to give the strongest ones room to grow. Not everything you try or even enjoy is going to hold your attention for a lifetime or even a year. And that's okay. Finally, when a dream keeps coming back, that's when I pay attention, real attention. Dreams and passions and next steps are connected to our inner being. So much of our guidance on them comes through our intuition. But even intuition is just doling out bread crumbs along our path, showing us the next move. But rarely the final move. So enjoy the journey. And one last thing, a practical thing, when it's time to let go of something, of a dream, or an identity, do this. I find it helpful to write things down and put them in a box that represents the universe. And this just makes whatever's happening in my subconscious mind, my inner being, it makes it concrete. It's like, I'm going to hand this to you, universe, and put this in this box because I trust that you have a plan, a puzzle, an arrangement of energy that I don't understand that I can't see that I'm not in control of. And then, if that part of you is meant to let go, at least you've put it in the flow of the universe. You haven't discarded it. You haven't dishonored it. You haven't shamed it. You've just let it be carried on the bigger currents of life. Maybe it's served you, and it's time to let go. And who knows, the universe might serve it right back up to you 10 years from now. Life is really, really weird. So enjoy the ride. And thank you, Sarah. I hope that helps. Next question, from Liz. Hey, Jessica. I'm 37 and genuinely happy in my own company reading a book, taking a solo walk, listening to podcasts, doing crafts. I'm social at work, but I don't crave the need for close relationships or a relationship right now. Is it strange to prefer being alone, or should I be trying to push myself socially? Well, Liz, I really am like you in this department. And it really helped me to learn about introversion. I'm not an expert on this, and you may never have been officially evaluated for it. But it sounds like you may be an introvert too. And though the statistics can vary, it seems that about half the world is more introverted than extroverted. So what does that really mean in a mechanical sense? Well, I've discovered that we introverts are more sensitive to the dopamine we secrete in our brains, which means we need less stimulation in order to feel engaged. That's why reading a good book at home feels satisfying to you. Whereas extroverts require more stimulation in order to feel engaged in life. They need more social contact, conversation, and excitement. It's not that extroverts and introverts necessarily make more dopamine than one another. It's about their brain's sensitivity to that dopamine. So when an introvert like me is in a social situation for too long, or a situation that lacks deep communication, after a while I feel depleted or anxious or irritable. And I just want to go home. And what's happened is that I've slid past the dopamine sweet spot in my brain. It's too much. Whereas an introvert becomes irritable or depleted when the party ends. And then just goes looking for the next party, which I've never really understood. It took me a long time, Liz, to really accept and understand this aspect of my nature. But it was very liberating when I did. I could then accept my limits and work within them. And I could also plumb some of my introvert strengths. Hypnosis being one of them. And there are many benefits to being an introvert. I mean, a lot of people are downright terrified of being alone. And I feel like it's such a gift to not feel that way. Also, because we are not afraid to plumb our own depths, we can do some very interesting stuff in those depths. Famous introverts include Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Merrill Street, Mahatma Gandhi, and Barack Obama. So we are in good company. But I'd like to expand this into the bigger picture for a moment, Liz. Because I don't think our lives are defined fully by these categories or tendencies. First of all, even though I can enjoy a lot of a long time, I need to remember that that is not the whole picture. Even though I'm alone, I'm still part of the whole universe. And even my quote itself is more space than matter. That sense of eye is a portal to a much bigger picture. Does that make sense? This is where meditation can take us. And it's generally a solitary pursuit, even though you can do it in groups. Even though we appear to be alone, we are all actually connected in the big energy sense. And by remembering that, that stops my solitude from curdling into existential isolation. I love people, but just endoses. And hopefully the extroverts can experience a similar thing on their end of the spectrum. That all their social activity isn't just about me, me, me, me, me, but connectedness with greater things, with humanity and the universe, life itself, and that their connection with people is reaching into that big connection. So whether I'm getting to that greater connection through my solitude or the extrovert is getting there through social connection, that to me is the point of this whole thing. That to me is liberation. So I encourage you to look for that in whichever way feels good to you. We are part of a greater whole. Now back to your question specifically, should you push yourself to be more social? I think maybe a little understanding these tendencies. I mean, I believe it's important that we push against our tendencies once in a while. I don't want to go to the gym, but I know I should, so I make myself do it. And over time, guess what? I start to enjoy the gym more than I thought I would. I don't always want to cook a healthy dinner, but when I do, I'm glad I did it. And I think we know pretty decisively, scientifically, that social contact is a very, very important food in our lives. It feeds us on all levels and in ways I'm not sure we even understand yet. But as you get to know yourself as an introvert, you can explore the situations that work best for you, and your dopamine sweet spot. It may be one-on-one connections that are deep and meaningful and time-limited. It might be a group setting that's controlled and can't be dominated by one person or doesn't have fuzzy time limits, like a support group or a discussion group of some kind. You may want to start a hobby that brings you into a group in a way that feels safe and contained. Maybe you can just go to the theater or a movie. Sometimes you don't even need to interact with people to get the benefits of being in the presence of other humans. We are social beings. Then that doesn't mean we party all the time or even talk, but that there's a group aspect to being human that is very primal and nourishing. One of my favorite things in the world is walking down a street in New York City or sitting in a New York City park. No one's talking to me, no one's pulling on my energy or making demands, but there are so many people. And I just feel the rush of life all around me. Yeah, really gets into my body and subconscious mind. And finally, you might want to keep this in mind. Ultimately, you may want some close or intimate relationships, and it's not unusual for introverts to choose other introverts. You know, we do really well together in relationships, both friendships and intimate relationships, because there's a mutual understanding that both individuals need this down time to recharge, and that too much stimulation is overwhelming. And when you both respect that, you can have the relationship, but also get your individual needs met pretty easily. So Liz, I think you're doing great. Get to know yourself, understand introversion, look it up. There's a great book called Quiet. That's all about introversion. And don't judge your predisposition. You know, you and me and a lot of other people feel this way. But even from within your solitude, seek connection with the world. Whether that's spiritual connection, emotional connection, or physical connection. Remember that you're connected to everything. I hope that makes sense. Next question. From Mia. Any tips on how to actually stick to routine? Or is routine not good for us? I feel like especially at the start of the year, I'll have a great exercise and healthy eating routine because it's new and feels fresh, but then I get bored and don't stick to it. Ah, well, I completely relate. I completely relate. Every once in a while, a mailbag question really grips me and I think about it a lot. It gets me thinking for a bunch of different angles. And this week, it's this question. So I just want to share some thoughts that have come up for me. If you want to hear my full answer and advice on this question, you can listen to the extended premium version of this episode by subscribing to Sleep Magic. Check the show notes for details. All right, everybody. Thank you so much. Listen to me, Babel. And that's it for now. We do this monthly with extended episodes for subscribers. So please submit your questions in the next few weeks. So I can answer them in the next mailbag. You can ask me anything, whether it's about an issue, you're having a question about my life, a question just about life itself, I'm open to trying anything. You can submit your questions in the following way. If you listen to this podcast through Apple or on the Sleepiest app, send your questions to helloatSleepMagic.fm. That's helloatSleepMagic.fm. If you listen to this podcast on any other player, go to the show notes and find the supercast link. And there will be an ask me anything feature at the end of that link. And you can put your question in there. I really look forward to hearing the new questions as they come. Thank you so much for listening this episode, reviewing it. Please if you found it interesting, and I'm sorry we can't get to every single question because some of them are just not general enough, but please keep sending them in, and I'll try to get to everything I can. Thank you everybody, thanks for listening and good night.