When Body Image Becomes a Dating Issue ft. Sami Sage - Co Founder of Betches

I feel like I warm up my voice. Okay, you ready? Sit up straight. Yeah. Let's get it. Okay. Yeah, this is a big moment for you. My first appearance on the U.A. Podcast. Hello and welcome to the U.A. Podcast. I am Jared Freed. And I am Sammy Sage. It is so good to be here with you, Sammy Sage. Welcome to the show. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for having me. I have to say that if I were a listener and I was expecting Jordana and I tuned in and got me, I would be like kind of upset. Why? What are you talking about? Because. You're one of our original co-hosts. Oh, yes. The first episode. The first episode. So this is your second episode of the U.S. podcast. Well, the reason is because Jordana is like right now at like kind of the big moment in her life. And like I want – if I'm a fan, I'm a listener. I want to hear from Jordana right now. You want to hear from her. You want to know what's going – well, that's why. And we're pre-recording, so it's not like we can even – I can even give an update. Well, let me just say that's a great segue. Thank you for doing that to sign up for benefits. Benefits, Jordana is still doing those episodes. We're going to get check-ins with Jordana. Sign up, five bucks a month. You get two extra podcasts a month plus no ads. It comes out a day early. That is what we call a deal. I'm a subscriber. You're a subscriber. I get feedback from you all the time. What's your thoughts? I mean as a listener. On which thing? What's the first thing that came to mind? When I asked about the show and what would you bring up? What would you question? You're a listener. I would say, okay, if I'm a listener, I'd be like, Jared, you got to come on. Wrap it up. What do you mean wrap it up? Like get married, find a girlfriend? No, I don't mean like get married, find a girlfriend. This means wrap it up. This is the sign for if you're listening and not watching on YouTube. You just did the twirl the finger around. Here's what I'll tell you. Here's what I'll tell you. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing. The same thing over and over again. Yes, yes. And I think as a listener, I can only be fully honest. and say that sometimes I just want to like text you in the middle and be like, Jared, get over it. Get over it. Well, get over what? Like your parents making you feel bad about yourself. I, well, I talk about that. I know. Some of it's funny. Well, I don't walk out of here. Yeah. And cry my way home. I'm not suggesting you do. My things with my parents, like when I have things out here about them, this isn't something I'm like hiding from them. I do give them feedback, you know, so. But also, I'm never going to divorce my parents. I think that's actually I think that's like a thing right now where people are like, what do they call it? Going no contact or no contact. You know, I don't think that's a go no contact in any. I think your parents are great. Yeah, I think. Yeah, I think. I think. No, I think your parents are great. I think you're very enmeshed with your parents. and and and you can and i don't think you need to uh go no contact or even like separate from them fundamentally to be not enmeshed with them i don't think it's a bad thing to be enmeshed with them like i think that like that feedback from people i think i've never a therapist would well i think i would say this is me being you know stupid male jared okay this is why i come to betcha so i can hear feedback on my own opinion i don't just go to the echo chamber I only heard the image thing from women because why is it the why is it and this was back to the debate that we had about kissing the parents oh do you remember that episode oh Tom Brady no we had a we had someone right in that they're they're seeing someone yes yes yes no and I asked Jordana and people were she was like but Jordana is very sensitive to these that's okay my point on that and the way I felt I was being misunderstood I'm not for kissing a parent right I am not like sitting here saying it's not weird if i dated someone who happened to kiss their parents and everything else yeah was perfect i wouldn't touch the parent kissing i would go yeah let me let that boat flow down the river because i got everything else yes i'm with you on that i'm with you on that to me always seems like i think sometimes these words like gaslighting yeah kind of get down They start in a good place and then it gets taken over by people who want to use them to kind of work their way out of discussion because now we've brought in therapy words and now we don't have to use critical thought at all. Well, let me – okay. Let me say it in a way that isn't using that word. Sure. I think that – so I mean obviously like your parents are critical of like your body and they're like, oh, what are you doing? Whatever. I know that some of that is like ball busting and it's like funny, but I think- It is not. Well, no, I would give credit to it. It is them being honest how they feel. I think it's a few things. But when you hear that from like your parents who are your most important relationship, like you can't unmake that. You start to see yourself as they see you. So you see yourself as like less, you know, you see yourself with this sort of like nudge down. Sure. Whereas like I think if you weren't – if this wasn't – if I didn't make this symbol, that's what I'm trying to say. It's like I think that you would be – if you could be freed of your parents' impression of you, which is what the symptom of enmeshment is, you could move to – That's a more relatable, understandable explanation of it. Like you could be freed of freed of of of like this this voice that's like, well, my like when my parents say something like about that or will they get this person or this or what will they say about this job? I, you know, idea like you then could do could could know what they would say and also not be like driven by it. Sure. And that's what I mean. I think it's a more full story than maybe I let on here because it's like it's hard to tell the good. You're trying to be funny. Also, I don't know. They are not trying. No, you you are trying to make jokes. Right. And the the the positives are like my dad will will look at me and go, you know, you're like very successful. Like he'll say that to me. Right. And he's but then in the same he'll go, you're very successful. Like not a lot of people are doing what you're doing. You should be proud of that. Right. And then I'll be like, yeah, the tick. He goes, how much are your tickets for the show? And I go, well, they're like 40 bucks. He goes, you're not worth more than that. He goes, that's a good price. See, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. It goes back and forth. And to me, I think parents are always 10% right. Yeah, look, it's important to have. Because it comes from a place of honesty. It's important to not have. I'm not charging $200. That's the reason. People should be thanking me. That's why I'm not charging $200. But the thing is, it's like, why is that the thing that we have to be focusing on when it comes to your career? like why do you like i i think it every person needs to kind of hold two ideas in their head to stay not delusional which is like okay i'm like i've done really amazing things and i've also like screwed up and i'm i'm not i'm just one person and blah blah blah and that's like something that you have to like hold in your head but if your dad's giving you that idea it's like you're kind of how are you going to ever get past like the idea that you could be something more than what like your parents see you as sure that's fair but i i think i do hold it in my i i do listen the idea you are very successful no no i i have that in the shower too like i i sit in the shower and go jared you are the funniest most successful fucking dude no one's better than you everyone else sucks everyone should go to your show everyone should laugh at every joke you say and then i also go you could work harder you could be a little bit better that story was kind of a hacky thing you did you know and i think we all i think that's what makes us all aware i think that's what makes this a good podcast i i agree and that's why we answer these questions. I agree. In a way that's thoughtful, rational and fair. Look, I also think that like most of I don't want to be so general, but like a lot of people who are talking about these kind of things are a little bit more delusional about themselves. And I think generally, like I'd prefer to listen to someone who's on the side of like less delusional about themselves, even if they're like wrong, you know, they're both sort of wrong. And I'd rather someone I think it's safer if someone sort of underestimates themselves. I don't know. I don't know. But, you know. Listen, overestimate yourself. You're like, I'm with an unaware fucking weirdo. Yes, yes. You're like, you really think like you're that important. I'm like, ooh. I know. That's the worst slip up I think someone can do. Right. Is overestimating yourself. And I think you are very afraid of doing that. I am petrified. I know. I'm overestimating myself. I know. What's going on with you? What's going on with me? We got to talk. I'm married. We got to update people with your life relationship. Yeah. They know you from, you know, the morning announcements and. Betches. At Betches. The first episode of this show. The first episode of this show. A founder, a CEO. Not quite. Whatever, you know, all those things. Yeah, a news lady. A news lady. I would never. Okay, news lady. News lady. What is, what's going on with, you're married. I'm married. I've been married since 2020. So five, yeah, wow, five years. Five years. Five and a half, yeah. And yeah, I mean I've been dating obviously. What are you dealing with in married life right now? I'll tell you. What's like a thing on your mind? I'll tell you. The number one thing is like should we have kids? How do you feel? I don't know. I go back and forth. Give me the back and forth. Let's go to the devil and the – I guess I don't want to call it a devil and an angel. Yeah, it's not. Well, again, I'm being careful with my words because – Let's just say the two voices. The two voices. The two angels. But isn't it interesting that I'm more careful than anyone – that I think than the regular – like my parents would be. My parents would go, and I'm sure you're hearing from these people. Why wouldn't you? What's wrong? What's going on? And people don't know how to answer those questions, but they do have love when they ask those questions. I don't think they mean to be mean. It really depends on the person. I also feel like because I talk a lot on a microphone, it's not like you can't find out. I've said things. ways to i've said things for why i have a few reasons should i do bad or bad okay i'll do the no reasons first the reasons for no okay not bad let's not put it under bad the reasons for no okay well first of all and this is probably like the most important we really like our life like we are happy and are free and it's really great to be like you sound like a you know you sound like a a single man in his 40s i know and like i because i'm i'm i'm in that same boat why would i why would i rock this boat right we're and okay i'll tell you parts of that you guys like each other yeah yeah yeah we like each other we have fun we travel we travel we do stuff we know no expense spared i if you watch you on instagram stories we're incredibly lucky every caviar every concert The sages know how to live. We have a lot of fun. We have a lot of fun. We are very lucky to be like. I know how to embarrass the Betches. I know how to make them cringe a little bit. Mention Jordana's huge, spacious mansion. Well, Jared. Or Sammy's. No, okay. We're very, very fortunate to be able to live freely like this and to feel financially stable and enjoy each other. And enjoy each other. I think the economic part, you have to say that. But it's true. It's part of it, but I'm saying- It definitely helps. It helps. Money does buy happiness. Sure, but how much you spend is really more important than how much you earn. So I'm saying like anyone at any level, if you're living within your means- Right, you're paying over your means. You're feeling okay. Right. So, you know, your means, you know, we can enjoy ourselves within them. And but I'm saying liking each other in a marriage five years and you go, well, why would we add a variable? Well, I'll tell you reasons. So my mom. Now I'm the devil. I'm going. I'm going. No, no, no, no. This is this is the the wine. This is like, why not to continued? I lost my brother. He was he he was autistic and he had a really like it's tough growing up. And it was not like I did not have like an easy, lovely, amazing. My life now is the smoothest it has ever been in my whole life. Most of it was not smooth. Right. And really, since like post marriage was like much post like relationship is when it kind of became much more smooth. Which would encourage the idea of like, why would I change this up? Right. Yeah. And my OK, my mom also lost her brother. Uh huh. And we had also a very sick. Like, so there's this kind of like, you know, it kind of this feeling of like family stuff repeating itself. And I don't know, like, I'm afraid that something would, you know, everyone pictures like having a kid, like they're picturing the good moments and like, they know it's going to be hard, but they don't think about like, I think there's a level and this isn't everybody, but let's say I do have a child. By that time, I will have thought about it so thoroughly and like decided that this is like something I'm doing. But I think a lot of people just if that's the next thing you're doing, you know, married kid, like it would be almost like, what are we doing here? We're just sitting here waiting. Like, I actually think a lot of people wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they were in like my Navi's position. Like, so what's the next thing? Like, there is no next thing. It's like we have a lot of next things. We'll plan a trip, a trip, a party, have people over. We have 13 nieces and nephews. Like he has four siblings who all have like four kids, five kids. Is your mom? No. So my mom is – my mom is single. But is your mom pushing at all or no? Not really. How about his side of the family? No, because they – so his family is religious. So they live sort of just like a totally different like lifestyle than we do. And like I think that they kind of learned like don't push him to things because he doesn't like to be pushed. so but that's actually that's nice yeah no it's and they also have so many grandkids like they want it it's just they're busy they're busy they're on the go i'm also feel like okay i froze my embryos my embryos so that takes a lot off a little bit off yeah yeah and then on like okay so and then on the positive side the want to side i'll give you like the good reason i'll give you the shallow reason okay the good reason is that like and this scares me a little bit it's also kind of the not want to reason is that all the work you put into a kid the unpredictability of it like that you don't know what you're gonna get like you don't know how they'll turn out anything could happen that feeling like has a reward also of course and it deepens your life and like i know that i'm choosing to like not add that dimension for better and worse what you're saying the way you're saying it is the way you'll never see it on a tick tock yeah of this idea of like yeah when you choose a direction you lose there's you know there's pros and cons to everything and yeah not having a child like you're missing out on certain depths of life that other people understand that you'll never get exactly and that's something that you would like i feel that that i see the benefit of it yes yes i i it's not like i'm like oh why would anyone have kids like Like, yes, I think the world is very scary right now, but I don't think that that would necessarily stop me from having kids as much as being like, okay, well, at least I don't have to deal with any kids right now. Listen, we just made a list. It's going to be on a future episode of things that make me cringe on a date. Why would anyone want kids these days is one of those things I'd be like, I should stop talking. Here's the thing. Like, I understand why you might have that, like, thought. The fear I get. But the why would anyone? Go fuck yourself. No, like humans have been through way worse shit and they kept procreating and like there's meaning in it. And I think the idea that like people try to like – like also this is what like the child-free stuff. Like I don't always want to be around kids, but like I don't think the children are like a waste and like a burden. Well, those videos should be – should show everyone that all of the videos are fraudulent. Yeah. Like when someone goes on and speaks about children. Like I would say this. I fly more than most. Yeah. I've never been bothered by a baby on a plane. Really? Never. That's surprising. Let's say I'm in the, let's say I'm, I'm not a hundred percent away from the next person. Yeah. So let's say a baby has ruined your flight. The amount of times that that's happened is very small compared to the amount of times people talk about it. Yeah. Like, you know, like the, I mean, it's annoying, but like, okay, it's a human. Like, right. And we have amazing headphones now. Yeah. We have amazing headphones. Like better headphones than anyone has ever had in the history of headphones. I just I'm saying I fly. So whenever I hear someone complain about babies on planes, I go, that person is out to have people agree. They're fraudulent. They're bad actor. Or they're like in a bad mood and it's like compounding on their bad mood. It's a bad actor. They're trying to get everyone to know to agree with them in some way because they're fucking miserable. Like sometimes humans under five do need to transport to other places. How dare they? Our friend Jordana is going to be flying home with a newborn as new as it gets. I can't even, like, imagine that. I keep saying to her, I go, less than one. Can you imagine? First of all. Your first thing, like, at least let me feed it first. They're, like. They're going to bring it on a plane. It's, like, high-level shit. I mean, their situation is, like, is, like, a sitcom because of, like, suddenly they're, like, flush with baby. I know. Please, God. You know, everything. I don't know. By the time this comes out, whatever. um and yeah and like their first experience is like coming home on a plane with a baby i know i uh it makes me so happy like i when when she said that when she got this special situation i was like yeah right it's like it makes sense why all the right why all the special bad shit was happening right it makes you you know so happy and it makes you we're sitting here both gushing That's what it makes you do. Okay. So, okay. So, so that, and then this actually is a good segue. The other reason to have them is because of the, like, kind of like the social pressure or the social desire. Do you feel the social pressure? Like not, not the way other people do, but like you can't avoid the social pressure really, but it's not, it's not the social pressure. It's like, it's not the pressure. It's like people, everyone's talking about it. And I'm like, you're left out. I'm left out, but I'm also like, I don't actually want to talk about this. Like, I don't actually want to talk about like this bullshit. I also, oh, this is another no reason. I don't want to have to deal with like the mom shit. Like not, not being a parent. That doesn't bother me. Like I actually think I would enjoy interacting with a small human. I do like kids actually. No, I understand what you're saying completely. But I don't want to go to the fucking class and talk to the parents and have to do your fucking art project because it's like, that's not like. I didn't know. This is made up. This is fake. Us men. There's no women's issues. Exactly. I mean, it turns into high school. I mean, look at the Tisdale. I'm not dealing with that bullshit. Like I will not say you won't. And then you have a piece of you walking around and you see another kid push your kid over. And now you want to murder that kid's mom. This is what I'm saying. Like, I can't. It makes you a different part. You don't know who you're going to be. I can't. I can't with the petty. I can't do petty shit like that. I already did that when I was a child. and I'm not going to... I mean, I would think that scares anyone who grew up in a suburb. Like, this idea of like... It's just boring to me. I have to go back to the suburban... Bullshit. Bullshit. The... And again, the world is so big now. It's literally boring to me. And the thing is, I feel like I have enough of a career and a life that I don't like... I can excuse myself from that. That can't be my life. I know. I'm with you. I understand that. You would hope I don't get involved in the drama. But then you see, like, Ashley Tisdale on this mom group thing and you go, man, that is as recognizable as it gets. See Ashley Tisdell seems like the problem to me I with you I with you Yeah I think she like self herself Like self herself I think the cut maybe let her Of course Ashley maybe came to them. They go, are you kidding me? Are you going to drop a piece of gold in our chest? That's crazy. We have emails here. We want you to send yours in, UUP at Betches.com. We love an email. We love a screenshot. We love for you to like the show, comment on the show, YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever you go. Comment on the show. I am on the road. If you're listening right now, this comes out on Wednesday, February 11th. New York City. We're all 10 days away from the worst day of the year. We're almost there. We'll dance around the campfire on the actual day. It's a shame that Jordana's kid can't be born that day. It's like a little, it's like really late. Really late. That would be really late. It would be weeks late. Yeah. So they would probably induce at that point, right? There's no possible way it could. We could only pray. No, no. No. It's not happening. So listen, this is coming out. I am in New York City the night before Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Eve. If you're looking for something to do, if you want to get a guaranteed win, buy a ticket to my show. First one sold out. Toronto, there's very few tickets left. And then I am coming to, where am I going after that? Is it on there? Do we know? Tempe, Arizona, LA, Los Angeles. We added a show in Los Angeles for the Netflix is a joke festival. And then I am also coming to Vancouver and I'm coming to Seattle, which I think tickets are very low in Seattle. So get your tickets, JaredFruit.com and go check out Sammy's podcast at Betches and Morning Announcements. Follow her at Sammy. and then you don't have a book coming out. Yes. The book is coming. I want the book. I'll get you the book. Jared, is this the first book you've ever read? I've never. I still haven't read it. Who said I read it? I wrote it. What do I got to read it for? Have you read it? Well, right. Well, you know, just once. All right. One pass. One pass. I did a little brush pie. Are you able to read this email? I can read it. We'll see. You want me to go or you want to go? You want to do the honors? Do you think you can handle it? I can handle it. Okay. J and J and S. Yes. I'm a 36-year-old man living in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, actively dating. I've been seeing a woman, also 36, for about seven weeks now. And overall, things have been great. We have strong banter, go on fun dates, have met some of each other's friends. We follow each other on Instagram. Okay, that is basically engaged. How long is this overall? Oh, seven weeks. Seven weeks. Okay. She's beautiful, sharp, has a high-profile job in PR that I genuinely admire. You want to marry her? So he likes her. He wants to marry her. I don't really care much about social media. My Instagram is pretty weak and I mostly just scroll. That said, we became IG friends. I was excited to learn a little bit more about her. What stood out to me is that she doesn't have any older photos posted. Everything feels very current and curated. At one point, while she was showing me a family photo, I briefly saw an older picture of her where she looked noticeably heavier. It was quick and not something she lingered on. Since then, I can't shake the feeling that she may have gone through a significant weight loss recently, possibly with the help of glp1 medications to be clear modern miracle a modern i listen we'll talk about it to be clear the weight loss itself is not a turnoff what's giving me pause is the feeling that she might be intentionally hiding that part of her past when someone goes through a big physical change it feels like something that might naturally come up over time i'm wondering if there's an unspoken rule with these new medications to keep it private i know some people are very open about it while others aren't i'm torn because i don't want to project my own issues or come across as invasive, but I also can't ignore that it has turned me off a bit. I'm unsure whether this is, and then he puts bullet points. This guy really went to tell you. This is a very well-organized email. Great email. Very literate. A red flag about transparency, a total normal boundary around body image and medical choices, or something that's simply none of my business. So my questions are, should I keep my mouth shut about anything related to body image or weight loss, or is it reasonable to ask about it if it's bothering me this early on. Would love your take on whether this is my issue to unpack or something worth addressing. Thank you. What else are you hiding from me? Potentially nothing. Well, if this was a man, every woman, what else is he hiding? I don't know. I don't know. If a guy says my relationship, I got a divorce, what'd you do? You know, like I'm just saying. Maybe. It depends how evolved the woman is. I'm just, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, I get it. I have a lot of thoughts, actually. Okay, I actually lose a big opportunity for this guy because if you – okay. Let's go personal first. Personal. Yes, I've done GLP-1. You're on it. I'm on it. It's the most amazing thing ever. I am on it. We've also – I've talked about it on benefits. I mean, listen, I am one of the – Original DSTers. The original Diet Starts Tomorrow guests. I loved that show when you guys were on it. I had a blast going on that show and talking about body issues. I think that show like really got us to know the audience in a different way. Yes. It probably pushed me to talk more about it on stage. So that show was important to me. I would also say that like the GLP one thing has been really badly translated to the public. So bad. It has been taken over by, again, bad actors. And I think, like, to me, I would describe it. So I'm a month in. Even the way it was presented to me for my parents, I talk about it on stage, about my dad offering me his Ozempic. And I do a whole bit on it. If you have gone to my show, just sit back and have fun with the bit. Like, you don't have to, like, get it. We don't have to have, like, a kumbaya. I can talk about it on a podcast. Yeah, I'm done with the disclaimers. But it's also, like, to me, it's like ADD medication. Yes. Like it is like the idea, it starts at vanity and then it's not vanity. Yeah. Well, it can start wherever, but yeah. It can start wherever, but for me personally, oh, I might lose some weight. And then it became, oh shit. Oh, I fixed my life problems. Right. I have a whole thing off my mind that I never had before. But would you as a woman who, again, she's deleting all her pictures. Yeah. What would you – how would you want to be approached on that if you're not bringing it up? So this is what I mean about the opportunity because it's not really about weight. Like this is the thing with the GLP-1 generally conversation. Everyone makes it about weight, but it's actually not really about weight. And weight is the only thing we can see. Right. And weight is the only reason that people even realize that there was like something to treat, you know. but in reality like all of this is a if you have if you have eating issues it's in your head it's not just on your body right so what this person's dealing with is that they still have the head problem even though they don't have the body problem quote-unquote anymore and i think that why this is an opportunity is because i think you ask or this person asks you know is it a red flag about transparency a total normal boundary or something simply none of my business it's like all it's a little bit of all of them yeah but if this person's going to be in a long-term relationship with this woman i actually think that something that will and i mean in my relationship like i i'll actually i have kind of like a parallel to this when i started dating avi i was like i lost i was thinner than i had been and then i have a you know it was pre-ozempic so i like gained weight later but talking about my eating issues with him like that is a thing that helped like our helped our relationships helped help me feel more safe so it's like i think that this guy it's she's not hiding something from him i think she's hiding something more from like herself like it's it's well there's shame around this body this is sure and there's shame around i mean that's why people have trouble talking about glp ones is because the shame of like of being fat well also given up and like well being fat but also what goes with that like that people, you know, I have this debate with my dad. My dad believes that it's 70% a placebo effect. It's not. And I, well, I know that, but I say to him, I go, I'm not, I'm not saying it's no placebo because I think taking anything has a certain amount of placebo. Yes, that's true. But I would say we are opposite. I'm like, it's 90-10. I did not drop 70 pounds in a year from a placebo. Right. Well, he's on it telling me it's a placebo. So it's like, that's crazy. But that has to do with shame. That has to do with his reasoning. Their whole generation is fucked and we should never listen to one word out of their mouth. But don't put that on them. I'm saying the shame of – he has the same shame that anyone has is that not being in shape is not trying. And it's like so when you take a medicine, you're like opting out of you're too weak to try, which is not the case. That's what I'm saying about – So she might have this. She does. I'm assuming she does. But to make it about a relationship, I'm starting her up because I don't think she's holding out on intimacy. You do think she is. Absolutely. You're not sharing something that is a part of who you are. Just like you said with Avi, did it make the relationship better to talk about your eating issues with Avi? Yes, but. That's intimacy. Yeah, it is. But I'm trying to think back because I also had Gysar's tomorrow. So it's like he could kind of under, you know, it's not like I had to just bring it out like randomly. Well, it was a little bit less difficult for you because you practice the words on a podcast. Like I have that in my life. Right. When I talk about dating, I can talk about dating on a date and I sound like I know what I'm fucking talking about because I can have, you know, I have you guys here to tell me right, wrong, maybe, you know. But he also, he also like witnessed it. Like when I would like I was obsessive about like about random things like food or like, do I look skinny or blah, blah, blah. And like so he noticed like, oh, it's actually kind of annoying when you're constantly asking me like five times in an hour if you look skinny or like. And so he gets that like that is an issue and that that is part of like these feelings about, you know, my body. And I think the problem is that people feel like Ozempic is this cheat code because all they see is the weight. They don't see the person who is that size because of a bigger internal issue that Ozempic is treating. Well, would you say that someone who's dealing with that issue, do you think – this is a man writing it. Yeah. So I kind of like see his side of like – I see where he's coming from where it's like if I was dating someone that wasn't telling me about it, I would feel like I don't know. What are they supposed to say, by the way? I don't know. I used to be fat. No. Well, now you're making it a body thing. I'm just wondering. Well, what is a body thing? I think there's a level of intimacy that you're ready to be vulnerable with someone. Right. And if you're not ready to do that, maybe you're not mature enough to be in a very stable communicative relationship. And I think every woman thinks from birth that they are ready for a communicative stable relationship. No, you have to practice. Right. And if you're not practicing here, I understand his anxieties. Yes. Well, I think what I would say is like, okay, if I were this woman in her position and I was like super sensitive about this. Which is totally okay. Which is normal. Yeah, totally normal. This is the whole thing. What I would say, what I would want, what would make me feel the least uncomfortable is if at some point it comes up, it has to come up organically. but like something about maybe how you hid the picture like hey i noticed that you like hid you know you swiped away from or it has to come up it has to come up organically i'm trying to think organically could be i mean honestly there's enough commercials for them now that i don't think it's about asking about like the drug necessarily it's about asking about do you feel like you don't like it's kind of like the the guy has to say like hey like you don't have to hide she has to feel safe to be like admit that she she's hiding so he has to say first he has a signal first i think like you don't have to hide that you used to be fat essentially right like i accept you how you look whether you achieved it with like glp1 or not like the guy has to communicate that somehow i don't know how i don't think you should like sit her down and have a talk about it but i think through the course of conversation maybe you're a little drunk maybe you're telling each other like something. I don't know. I've had this in dating before where I felt that I was like getting a version of someone. Like they were kind of quote unquote behaving. Right. And that was frustrating to me because it was hard for me because then I am forced to be vulnerable. Isn't everyone behaving a little in the beginning of a relationship? Of course they are. But I'm just saying I felt that I was being less behaved than them. Okay. You know, I felt that. Even amounts of misbehavior. Right. I just, it wasn't opening up. You know, I've been on dates where I'm like, you know, what's the thing where I was asked, you know, what's the thing you dream about having? And you go, you know, and then you go in this explanation of like, well, I dream of this and I hope for that. And then the person you go, what about you? And they go, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. You know, like, you're like, okay, well, what the fuck happened to this now? Yeah. I was forced to be – and sometimes I think in a world where from this guy's perspective, the email that's written in, it's like him being like – let me speak for myself. I would say that if I was in a position where I felt someone was holding back and then I'm like being there, then for me to do this step, I'd have to be like totally sure about them. Like for me to like ask for this and like – and that makes it even harder. Like for my end, it would make it so hard because I'd be like, well, now that I've asked for that and I've gotten them to be vulnerable, I kind of have no way out. I mean, that's my own insecurities. No, no, no. Because listen, I mean, he might want to hear that. She might want to hear that. I'm saying he might want to hear that. He's not locked in. He's not. Right. OK. He's not locked in. This is listen. This only feels like such a big conversation because he feels it's a big conversation. And she clearly does, too. But what I think is like, yes, you might have a point like he she might be giving him a well behaved version, but the well behaved version might not be because she wants to hide something. It might be because she has inherent shame about this. Sure. And so you're getting that. And like it might like she may not be able to unlock anymore until she has a little bit of sureness. And the guy doesn't want to give sureness to her until he's sure. But actually, he doesn't really owe her. It's not like you owe someone an engagement ring because they like spoke about their trauma. Like people – it's not like that. Like I think that even the act of like showing acceptance, even if you don't end up together long term, will help heal this person to some – or I don't want to say that. I don't know if it will. But like that will help that person to be vulnerable regardless of whether – like as long as this person isn't trying to like really be judgmental or harmful. and they're really willing to give the relationship a chance. So what would be a way that if someone came to you and was like, hey, I noticed that you had a pretty significant weight loss, is there anything you want to talk about? I don't know if even as the right, like that's like a – No. Even as I said it, I'm like, who the fuck am I? It would have to come up like organically. It would have to come up like in the course of a conversation. That's why I mentioned the commercials. The commercials, like I'm like, ah, it's on TV. What are they? i would do the i would do the what are these things maybe serena williams okay what do you think that kind of that kind of thing like this real i'm saying might might have been a good opportunity it's in the past but like maybe if an actor you know something like that or even if you know someone who lost a lot of or a pain like a my mom's friend blah blah blah like you know bring up something that makes sense and like be non-judgmental about it well of Of course. It doesn't sound like this person would be judgmental. It sounds like they have a pretty understanding vibe to them. But I would say – like let's say I go – I'm like, Sammy, have you heard? Like you haven't told me. Yeah. And I'm like, my aunt just told me they're on Ozempic, isn't it? And she looks unbelievable. Yeah. That's crazy. It's just amazing what these drugs can do. And then you just wait? I don't think you do it like that. In conclusion, these drugs sound pretty awesome. And I would never judge someone for taking them. Pretty rad what these GLP-1s are doing. It feels like you're giving the birds and the bees talk to your kids. Have you ever tried to bring something up organically? No. Okay. What's going on, skinny mini? Tell me the story. Yeah, I don't know. I don't envy. To me, I've been in this situation. I think maybe you need to learn how to bring things up. I get scared when someone doesn't want to be this deep with me because it's like someone saying I'm not ready to have sex to me. It's not. Well, why not? Because they're not conscious. They're not doing this. They're not like someone. You don't think this person is holding out this information consciously? No, no. They're doing it consciously, but they don't necessarily like they're not doing it because it's not like that straightforward. in their heads. Well, here's the sex version that I'm... Like if they're hiding it because they think they can hide it. Well, are they going to hide it forever? No. When do they come out with it? When's the day that they tell the person they love about their past? What is their past? That they were fat? You just had two different explanations. You can't say it's not about fat and then go, well, you want to hear about me being fat? No, but here's the thing. What are they supposed to say? I have issues with eating and I take a medication that helps me through those issues. It's resulted in me having a body change that is really kind of a mind fuck for me. Yeah, well, I think that that's- And telling it to you makes me feel deeper with you on a different level. And I really wasn't sure how to bring it up. That's how, if I were her, that's how I would say it. But I can't like push a string. I'm saying for sex, the corollary to sex is, hey, sex puts me on a different level with someone. If we have sex right now, we are on a, I'm in a different relationship than I was before. I would say that's a sign that says beware of commitment. Yes. You know, like commitment this way lies, you know? My sense is that she's not like hiding from the emailer. She's hiding from – it's like more about her. Right. No, no, no. I would agree. And you – and, you know, this emailer like could be any person, like anyone who – Do you think her friends know? Yes. Of course her friends know. unless her friends are all her friends from seven weeks ago well i well right she's forced to tell her friends because there's not no one no it's not i don't think she's trying to hide that she's on it she's trying to like put the evidence like she just doesn't want it to like be there it's also like trying to sweep it under the rug but i don't know i let me i will treat you like shit when you're fat so she would like to not have that burden on her social media that's that's fine The social media, though, is a symptom, not the disease. Yes. Like I just – I can't see myself with someone not hearing about that. I agree. And how we came to those conclusions. And I'm not saying I – I guess I'm sounding like I'm saying like I deserve that as a partner. It's not about deserving it. It's more about like that's the level. I just feel like I wouldn't be in a partnership. Right I think that it is normal to know the level to know the medications that you the person you in a committed relationship with is on Similar but different How has your relationship with avi changed since being on it like like i haven really not at all not really no and like i've been every weight like like with avi and he was really very like non he really wasn't like judgmental about my weight gain like at all and then with the loss yeah he's just like okay i'll tell you what he is oh he's like he's like you he hates that i'm like so sedentary you know what i mean well he's like he does so much yes yes he's not to be trusted i know sedentary i know versus exactly right all right so he's like okay and then also like i'm just i have very weird eating habits like um i eat like late in the day yeah i he's like how about some like real food like last night he was last night i went to a dinner and he's like i'm so glad you're going to a dinner you're gonna have a real meal like you're not gonna like order some would you like snack is that yeah i snack or i'll just like i hate having to prepare shit i just want it to go from my hand to my mouth like a baby this is why i have a baby i am the baby let's do another question i listen i i think this is a subject that is like i'm happy we're talking about it we can talk about this no i could go all day i i mean i think the snack food industry is in trouble oh they'll be okay you think so i don't really care i mean i'm not saying i'm not saying i'm not weeping for lays what are they do you really think they're in trouble like no they'll be like i'm just saying i still eat i just had a bag of sandwiches for lunch i still eat yeah but i would have had 17 bags of potatoes i'm saying the the snacks in my house have been there for a month you know yeah yeah i know so i mean that's different for me yeah i know it's like it's crazy yeah you just have to like clean out your kitchen every night right now that's crazy i know i know and it's not because i'm not eating no that's because you don't eat all of it i'm we're eating like it's the 1950s and i have a little tiny burger from McDonald's and I go, that was delicious in these three fries. Let's do an icky or picky. We love icky or picky. It is the game that is crossing the country. Everyone's talking about it. You're dating someone, you get the ick. Is it a true ick or are you just being picky, Sammy? Go for it. Okay. And we have screenshots. I love screenshots. Nothing I love more than a screenshot. Love it. Hi, J and J and me. Love you both and I'm an avid you up and oversharing listener. Love it. I have an icky or picky for you that I would love your thoughts on. I went for a coffee date with a guy I met on Hinge. He was very sweet and easy to talk to. But when we were texting after the date, I noticed he was editing almost every text he sent. Normally, if I see edited under the occasional message, I assume it was a typo and don't bother to look at the edit history. Hold on. I didn't know there was such a thing as edit history. Are you regretting that? I'm not. There's really nothing to regret. Have you ever edited something really embarrassing that you think maybe? if i edit it's like my own ocd same tendencies to be like well i meant if not oh yeah yeah but i i'm thinking about it now i guess i've never thought about it i thought you edit it and it's just good to go it should so you basically you thought they just said edited and then they didn't let the person know what was edited yeah that would be silly is it yeah you can unsend a message you can't get that one back yeah i guess unsend would be something that i would do for an embarrassing one and that's like irrelevant now right yeah all right i didn't even know you could do this well i'm glad that you haven't done anything i'm glad you haven't written like fuck you and then edited it yeah i meant muck you yeah suck you normally if i see edited under the occasional message i assume it was a typo and don't bother to look at the edit history but when i realized how many of his responses had been edited it seemed unusual i tapped on the edit history and saw that nearly every text had been edited four to five times to move around a couple words add or remove smiley faces exclamation marks etc part of me thinks it's sweet that he's trying to be so thoughtful about what he says but the other part of me is a little bit turned off by how much he seems to be second guessing himself and feels like it might show a general lack of confidence. Either way, I'm almost certain he doesn't know that the edit history is visible. I would say that... I think so. I don't think... I would love to see the gender responses to do you know that this exists. I do too. Because every woman seems to... Joe, did you know? Can we get a poll? You did know? Maybe it's an age. Maybe it's age. Maybe it's people who read the description when they updated the... I've never thought to click on edit. I don't either. Because, like, who cares? It's usually just a type of... It's usually nothing. Yeah. So screenshot attached to an example. For context, on the date, I was telling him about the Pallavi studio I teach at, which has a view of the mountains. It will make sense when you see it. And told him I would send him pictures when I was back at work. So icky or picky, he edits all of his texts after he sends them. And follow up, should I tell him I can see the edit history? Can't wait to hear what you think. Maybe he's listening. Okay. He might be listening. We have no idea. Do you want to go through the edits? Do you want me to read it? I'll read it the way it sounds to her. Yes. You ready? Yes. You be her. I'll be him. Okay. All right, perfect. So she says, also, I promised you photos of the studio. So we're assuming she sent the photos of the studio with the mountain background. Yeah. Ha ha. It's actually the ultimate vibe. And agreed, the mountains are a perfect little touch. Yeah, like she put them there. And then he corrects it. Ha ha. It's actually the ultimate vibe. And I admit, I'm only a tiny bit jealous, Winky Face. The mountains are a perfect little touch, though. Then he rethinks that one. Ha ha! It's actually the ultimate vibe. And I admit, I'm only a tiny bit jealous, Winky Face. The mountains are a perfect touch, though. He took out Will. Okay. Then he tries again. Ha ha! It's actually the ultimate vibe. And I admit, I'm only a tiny bit jealous, Winky Face. The mountains are a perfect, actually a perfect touch. So that was, he's high. He tries, he's double tight. He actually had a typo there. And then he tries again. Ha ha. It's actually the ultimate vibe. And I admit I'm only a tiny bit jealous, Winky Face. The mountains are actually a perfect touch. Another typo. And now another typo. So now he's, this is his last shot. This is the final version. Ha ha. It's actually the ultimate vibe. And I admit I'm only a tiny bit jealous, Winky Face. The mountains are actually a perfect touch. You finally nailed it on the one, two, three, four, five, six try. Okay, the thing is he only actually changed the sentence twice. Like he only actually changed the response. Like ha-ha is actually the ultimate vibe is there every time. Then he adds, and I admit I'm only a tiny bit jealous. So that stays there. Now that's in Winky Face. The mountains are a perfect Lil touch though. At first he adds the though and Lil, and then he takes out the Lil. And then after it's just typos. I am so in tune with the female body that I know exactly the moment she dried up. I know it. I know it. I know what it was. It was the second one. When he removed the little. No, I actually think it was the adding of the admit I'm only a tiny bit jealous winky face when the first thing, the first, like if he just left and the mountains are a perfect little touch, the first message had just been fine. Right. Right. Well, the admit, I think the moment he acknowledged that Lil was a little bit. Right. Little bit not manly. Yeah. Because that's an acknowledgement. It comes from. He could have left the Lil. The confidence of it. If you left the Lil, I'm a guy who says Lil touch. Yeah. L-I-L. The minute you remove the Lil. And doesn't edit everything. And doesn't, what's that? And is confident enough to leave my messages as they are. Right. And then the minute he removes the Lil, it's an acknowledgement of, oh, maybe I don't sound the right way, which is not a manly trait. Correct. And that's what the ick is. It's generally a lot of women saying, it's a moment I saw him act like not a man. A manly trait is men being overconfident. Right. Yes. Lil is hot. Lil is hot until you go, I don't know if I should say Lil. What do I sound like? And now it's like, you're not hot now. Right. Like, I think this is way less hot than if he just, again, left. Ha ha. It's actually the ultimate vibe. And agreed. The mountains are a perfect little touch. Right. Okay. This is, you know what this is? Owning the statement is, is, is hot. Yes. Cause I never would. I just been like, okay, he says like, here's the other thing. Avi texts weird shit all the time. I don't care. Right. Well, like, okay. You're a weird texter. Like, I don't give a fuck. Right. Well, again, he's, it doesn't matter. It's like creepy if they're cute. Creepy if they're not cute. That's what I was about to say. This is creepy if you don't like them and not creepy if you like them. And then it's only creepy when you admit that's not really who I am. So I got to take it back. Take the Lil. Now I don't do Lil, but now I'm a guy who does winky face emoji and rewrites it back. You're going to take out the Lil and you're not going to take the winky face? Here's where I just, it's funny. When I first read this email, I go, well, the screenshots must show that he's like correcting the spelling seven different times. Like it went from like good to hood to hood to good to good. Right. I thought it was like an OCD thing. Like I thought it was like a I like for her to like no cat versus car. Like I would go if I were her, I go enough. I get it. I know it's cat. You didn't mean car. Because it's the little thing. It's actually a true ick. Yes. And and and the change of the sentences, the though, like who cares if you have an extra though, like whatever. Right. If it was just a word, it would be picky because it was this show of insecurity that all of us can see. It's okay. This is what it is. It's like you workshop this at brunch, but you were alone. You just workshopped it out. The brunch was on this text chain. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, that's the kind of thing you'd only do when you care. Also, it just shows you like care too much about something that isn't important. And I feel for him because he's just trying to perfect it. Like, you know, listen. It's unnecessary. one person's just stick with your shitty text right one person this is not mean this is not bad she's not like a bad person for noticing this it just sucks like you weren't that attracted to him in the beginning and then he sends this text and corrects it seven different times and you go yeah that's the straw that broke the camel's back like it's over here's the thing if a woman did this what would you think would you get the ick because it's like no I if it was a woman it always comes down to is she hot I wouldn't be on the date I wouldn't be texting with her if I wasn't. Right. And I think that it comes from this questioning of if I'm attracted to them or not. Interesting. Okay. That's what I believe. But what if she's attracted to this guy and he also edits his texts like a pussy? Right. He'd have to be way hotter than his pussified nature. I can't imagine someone incredibly hot doing this because they have too much confidence. This is the whole ick thing. They have too much confidence. It's, yeah, I don't know. This is like a perfect ick because, again, like he's not – the men that get mad about the ick are like the least credible anger people on the internet. They're like – they want every woman to agree on what makes them want to fuck a guy or not. Like that's crazy. Right. So what they're getting angry about is they're taking it personally because they're like, there's nothing you can do. It's like, dude, you're fine. This isn't going to happen to you if someone likes you. Right. And they're worried that no one will ever like them. You know what I think is sad about this one? It's that he was trying to prevent her from getting the ick originally. Right. Those are the funniest icks. Yeah. She got the ick from him trying to not be an ick. Yeah. Yeah. Like, that's clearly what happened. Yeah, because you can hear his thought process throughout this whole editing thing. He's going, Lil, Lil, am I a Lil guy? Do I talk Lil? Yeah. Does Lil make me look unfuckable? I saw this TikTok. Right. He said Lil. and now he's out and she won't blow him because of that. This is why you need to workshop these things with the brunch table, not in the editing industry. This guy should be paying me a monthly and I'll go, you're good. Just move on from the will. Right. Just move on. Move on. You're good. Just keep moving. I wouldn't have even noticed it. I had a guy DM me the other day. He goes, I'm in a huge debate with my girlfriend. She said that an ick, well, she sent him a video of a guy doing the golf swing with no golf club like the – Okay. As men do. As men do. and he's like she says it's an ick and i'm like dude i'm sorry to inform you no i was like google jared freed golf club swing tiktok it's like one of my most viral videos really oh i didn't see it and i said to him i go they all agree it's unfuckable i was like move on from debating it right him debating it it might be giving her the is more right yeah i go back away dude right this This is a landmine. Right. You're telling me that you're hot doing a fake golf swing? Right. That even worse offense than the golf swing itself. Yeah. That's embarrassing. Let's do another email. Okay. UUP at Betches.com. We are here with at Sammy, Sammy Sage. And go listen to morning announcements at Betches, breaking down all the pop culture news. J&J and S. subscriber here, longtime fan of the show. I'm going to get right into it. I've been dating my boyfriend now for a little over a year. And of course, our first Valentine's Day is coming up. This isn't the first Valentine's Day I've spent in a relationship. And I always seem to have the hardest time with gifting for men on this day. Sure, some may say you don't really have to give gifts to each other, or that a nice dinner and some chocolates can be mutually enjoyed. Sure. But from my experience, the guy is usually always the one picking up the bill on the dinner, and the one going all out. So my question is, what should girlfriends do to also return the favor? I'm sure Jared will say, good old-fashioned blowjob will make any man happy. And I'm not knocking that LOL. Well, she took the words right out of my mouth. I was going to say, yeah. That's exactly the bit I was going to go into. She stole it. She took away my bit. Sorry, she preempted you. Now I'm going to have to actually answer this question. Yeah, you're going to have to come up with something you want. How about a blowjob sandwich? I don't know. But for real, is that it? We're simple. We are simple beasts. It's free. In past relationships, I've tried to make cute baskets of candy with some of his favorite things, body wash, beard oils, nice socks. But it always feels kind of eh. Us as women get showered on this day. Well, let's not say us. There's a few out there that are listening. Yeah. With so many lovely things. And I think the guy sometimes gets the short end of the stick by paying for a nice dinner and flowers, sometimes jewelry and massages. And in return, he gets candy and some socks. This woman is hilarious that you think we get jewelry on Valentine's Day. Does she know this podcast is the number one podcast given to a woman who was just dumped before Valentine's Day? Sorry. Also, like this is a big like us ladies getting massages and jewelry. Oh, what to do with all these gifts. but the men get nothing in return what is she they'll be okay you know what's funny it's like i feel like valentine's day is only a holiday for a few people right people who are in their 20s in their first relationship yeah people who are in college and like kind of want to like fuck around face relationship and like children in like days like preschool right are sending valentines to like everyone in the class so you and avi what will you guys do you're married five years nothing like probably nothing like i don't know we don't get each other shit for this right once you have kids now you're getting them kind of dressed up for it it becomes about the kid everything becomes like we don't give a fuck maybe we'll go out to like we'll go out to dinner literally you think valentine's day is not a thing for us we don't care about that if he said nothing if your husband five years in wakes up on valentine's day and just ignores it for the day you will be okay with that i mean like we sort of acknowledge that we don't care I didn't ask that question. No, he would be like, happy Valentine's Day. Like it's like. No, I'm saying. But if he said nothing, you would go, what the fuck? Uh, I don't know. Like, I, I, I guess maybe. You ever see those TikToks where like the wife or husband like messes with the other one? I saw one yesterday. My brother sent it to me. This couple, the, the woman went into the bagel place and got a bagel and then gave her husband like the small bagel. Oh. Like the little baby bagel. And she acted like nothing happened. That's funny. And he was like, what is going on? And I could, his reaction was like, perfect. I saw another one where the guy opened up his burrito and the wife goes to kiss him. And then she bites into his burrito and he gets like so mad. That's really funny. This is one of those that I don't even think any relationship would touch. Like if you were like, watch as I don't wish my wife a happy Valentine's Day and see a reaction. I never know the date, first of all. The 14th. It would take – no, I know that it's – I know that that is Valentine's Day. It's more like I would like wake up. I wouldn't like think about what day it is and I like wouldn't – But you get to 3 o'clock. Yes. No, I would notice. And you would notice. Yeah. I'm just saying it's – Valentine's Day at a certain point, for a lot of people, Valentine's Day is a speed bump to get over. Honestly, it's like I actually think we have like just so disregarded it as like a meaningful thing. I'm not saying it's meaningful. Yeah. But every one of us has to deal with it. Everyone has to deal with Valentine's Day. Everyone has to. If you're hooking up with someone, you have to have it go through your brain. Do I do something? Yes. If you're hooking up with someone. If you're married to someone, you have to say it. I guess. It's Beetlejuice. You got to say it. Yeah, sure. I mean, it's just. I dare someone listening to not say happy Valentine's Day. I'll dare Avi. And see what happens. See what happens. Yeah. No. Okay. So J and J and S. Help me out here. What's a good way to make Valentine's Day just as special for him? Jared, what would your ideal Valentine's Day gift be? Thank you for all you do. A trying to be romantic and thoughtful bitch. Okay. Well, I'm happy she asked. Yeah. Oh, God. This is my perfect Valentine's Day. You've done this before. Well, no. I would say my perfect – I think what gets – I think what women do for Valentine's Day for their husbands, boyfriends, fiancés, whatever, the mistake they make is that they give them a gift that they would want. Yeah. No man needs – Who doesn't want beard oils? Right. Beard oils and a basket that's Valentine's Day themed. It's very mom. No man needs to – A basket. Well, societally, I don't have to show everyone that I've been acknowledged. Right? You, I think a lot of women, they have to go, yep, flowers. Yes. I found a good one. Got a good one. He knows the drill. Yeah. Yeah. Anyone with no flowers, loser. Anyone with flowers, winner. Yes. Yes. So this is society. I'm not looking to change the weather. This is society. No man deals with that. So if your gift has any version of he could show it to his friends to show how well he did, you've wasted your time and money. Depends. No. What if you get a good gift? What if you get a good gift? My gifts when I get them if I was to show a friend it would be because they go where you get that What if you get a signed Tom Brady helmet It would go in my house I put it on the counter You wouldn send a picture to anyone My parents maybe But like I just saying it doesn I saying it doesn have to be Valentine Day related. Related. Yeah, I agree. And I think that's the mistake is, but I'm saying the basket that has the beard oils and has probably the tissue paper that's pink. Red. Yeah. Waste of time. Yes. Give him something really good that he really needs and wants. Functional gifts. We like things we can use. Yes. Like a blowjob. Things that last. Things that last. No, but we, no, we want. What about a nice bottle of alcohol? I'm okay with that, but I'm not like, unless I've been asking for it. Like if I was like, man, I think it would be nice. Like if I'm like, what's the alcohol? Pappy Van Winkle. That's like the one. I don't know. That's like really expensive. I don't drink it. I would say that's one that like people would buy for someone on a special occasion. That's like a thing where if he's been talking about like, ah, what I would do to buy a bag. Something they've been talking about. Yeah. I think the Valentine's Day gift would have to, if you really want to make a guy feel special, it's got to be the same thing. You would get him for a birthday, get him for an anniversary. Agreed. Something that's thoughtful. That's why I think Valentine's Day is dumb. Well, that's the thing. That's why it never is a win for women because a guy gets you flowers and a card and some candies and it's all like Hallmark junk. that that's there's no male version of that that makes you just as happy i would just be like blowjob this is the thing with like the flowers and the bullshit on on valentine's day i almost like i i almost feel like it's like this this is not like a i don't think this is like the general opinion of valentine's day celebrators but like i feel much happier if avi brings me flowers on a random day than if he brings them on valentine's day because valentine's day it's like oh he knew he had to do it because everyone's doing it how about this here's the scenario yeah avi comes home january 19th has a flower gives you flowers he goes sammy you're the best thing that ever happened to me here's some flowers i was just thinking about you yeah that does happen and then you go that happens yeah and then after he gives you the flowers you give him a hug and a and he whispers in your ear, he goes, check me off for Valentine's Day too. Are you cool with that? It's a no win. It's like, consider this the Valentine's Day gift. You know, no, because that's annoying. Right. But if he just didn't get me something on Valentine's Day, I'd be like, okay, we're busy. I'm going to really annoy a woman one day There's going to be a day Where I get into a relationship Because this is all the shit I would love to do Have fun with those flowers Because they've got to last a month Consider them good for Valentine's Day too I would say that, there's no question Jared, you'll know that you found the one When she can take these jokes and think that they're funny That is funny If you're out there It's funny to me sitting here I love you enrage My perfect Valentine's Day, I was trying to think I wake up, the woman is rubbing my feet with – and I'm not even a foot guy. I hope this isn't taken out of turn – with lotions and things, okay? Okay. Then wipes them down. I don't like them greasy. We get out of bed. You don't want to slip. I don't want to slip. Then I get out of bed. I give her her flowers that I bought on January 19th. Here, they're dead. We go for breakfast. okay we both eat a massive amount we really go to town we come back all farts allowed everyone can fart you would love my relationship we fart all the time a lot of farts a lot of farts fart friendly house yeah even the apartment in manhattan yeah we don't and the country home all right let's play some games red flagger deal breaker this is the game that is sweeping the country. You're dating someone, great date. One thing happens. Is it a red flag? You notice it and move on? Or is it a deal breaker? They edit their text five times. They edit their text. It really did make him look like a loser. It was a red flag. Dear Jay and J&S, I'm 35. I've been on four dates with a 38-year-old I met on Hinge. I have a red flag or deal breaker for you. He mentioned he was divorced on the apps. We talked about relationships of her past on her second date. He said that they separated because when they got married, they both didn't want kids. A few years into the marriage, she decided she did want kids. They tried, including IVF, and didn't get pregnant. That prompted stress, and the conflict was too much. He said they are still on good terms and talk in part because they share friend circles, and sometimes he will watch her dog when she goes out of town. We were talking about next weekend, and he mentioned she is hosting a party, which he is going to, and asked if he would bring a plus one. I asked how much they still talk and said about weekly. For example, she had stopped by to borrow tools from him this week and occasionally talked to him about her boyfriend. He asked my perception and I said it was a flag, at a minimum a yellow one. I asked why they're so close and he said she is one of the people in the world who knows him best and while they didn't work out, she is a good person. He said if we move forward, he would want me to feel comfortable. So what do you think? How much communication with an ex-spouse is okay and for what purposes before it becomes a red flag or deal breaker? Thanks for all you do. Sincerely, why call your ex when you can go to Lowe's? I don't know about that. I don't know. Why call your ex when you can go to Lowe's? Because it's free? Yeah, and you keep in contact. You have an amicable relationship. Like it can happen. Yeah, I don't think that's crazy specifically. It's interesting. uh i've never i've never seen anyone where this is the case have you ever kept up with an ex no no no no not like this never no not even close here's the problem this is actually like is someone gay that's what it feels like it does it right it feels like the relationship after someone has come out that's fair that that does have that vibe i would also say what he said is really kind of a weird thing to say he said she's a good person she's the one of the people in the world who know him best and they didn't work out she is a good person like like i don't care there's a lot of good people there's a lot of good people and that's not a reason you i think he has no friends you think i think in a relationship a lot of times men don't you know women keep up their friendships in more depthy ways just generally i don't think he may he might not have a lot of people to talk to. That's an interesting theory. Yeah, it's just a theory because the way it's being said where he's like, she's the only person who knows me. She knows him best. Right, but that means he's lonely. Which, yeah, the person you're married to would know you best. Right. Like, who would, yeah. And then the reason they end is this like, Well, they ended for this off reason that she says she wants to have a kid. Then they don't. It sounded like she dumped him. It does. And it sounds like the reason she gave is I don't know about kids. And because of that, you do want kids. And now that we've gone through that, I'm out. It seems so it seems like too clean. It does. Also, that kind of thing, like it's not impossible. Maybe they just aren't they don't have feelings as strongly. Yeah. But when it's clean like this, when there's no feelings anymore, you got to go to your separate sides and like readjust with your own friends, like to keep this up. like right like why do you have to talk that much right once a week she's the only one that knows me a good a good person just is like i hope no one describes me as a good person that's why they keep up with me yeah because also like who are you you're a fucking judge or god right who are you i hate when people can i be honest i actually hate when people this is a pet peeve of mine when people say like so and so is a good person or someone would be like i'm a good person or like Like, how the fuck do you know? Who are you? You're there with the scales. Right. Like, what do you fucking know if someone's a good person, bad person? Go fuck yourself. It's a really easy. Right. Sammy's not a good person. She will judge your good person with a. No, it's like, maybe I'm not. I don't fucking know. By whose standards? By whose standards? Exactly. I agree with you. I also think it's one of those resume items that's really easy. It's like, you're not a bad person. I'm a good person as a mother, as a father. As a girl dad, as a Jew, as anytime someone says as a, yeah, they are fraudulent. But also anytime someone is like as a board certified physician, fine, that's a different thing. Fine, fine. You have a degree. If you say as a and it's not followed up by. No, not just if it's followed up by something that you just graduate level degree. That's the only way I trust it. Yeah. As a Penn State graduate. No, not enough. I went to the school as a woman. Like, oh, all I did was be born. As a 58-year-old age, also a horrible resume item. Unless it's specifically about 58-year-olds. Right. Then I guess that would give you the right. But I don't believe the same thing for mother. Yeah. As a mother. No, you can be very, very bad mothers around. As a, it has to have the next word. Expert. Right. It has to be certified. I need a diploma. as a fart enthusiast. You don't have a diploma for that. I know, I don't, okay. It needs to be something that there's a consensus about. Right. But with this, again, good, what does that fucking mean? Well, it means we're hiding something. I think when you say she's a good person, you're hiding. No, I actually think the reason people say someone's a good person is because they want to like vouch for, they want you to like, that's how they tell themselves they're a good person. Why? Or that they hang out with good people. They're a good person. I think it's to get her to shut up. Get her to... The emailer. They're a good person. And then what are you going to say? That is something people use to make people shut up. I think it's a good way to get people to back away. If someone's like, I'm not sure if I'm a good person. I'm like, you're probably good because you are not so good. Whenever someone says, how are you today? I'm okay. yeah i don't say good i don't say bad i'm i'm i'm okay i'm alive thank god right you know um but yeah no i think look i think he's a red flag it's a red flag it means i i'm with you it is teetering on deal breaker because i would say hey you got to clean up your house and if you don't see that this is weird i need someone to see it's weird like if he had said like yes our relationship is peculiar and to say she's a good person is actually you're skirting the issue right it's it's a canard there you go people use deal breaker i'm actually out you're saying deal i'm saying red flag but it has i agree with you they need to acknowledge like yes i understand this is extremely peculiar we have a weird situation but it just works for us but he literally did not say any of that well And this is a 38-year-old man. Maybe he will. But I would even say if I spoke to him again, hey, there's an answer I would have felt really comfortable with. And you gave the answer that is like actually the one that made me write into a podcast to strangers. So can you just elaborate on how fucking weird this relationship is with your good friend, your ex-wife? Yeah, your good friend, close friend who is a good person. well okay what if they don't say it but you ask and you're like do you think do you agree maybe that's a little strange and the guy was like yeah i totally think it's i know it's really exceptional or unique i don't even know because she did ask good questions when he said he wants me to feel comfortable like so this is just gonna happen it sounds like you're co-parenting with yeah i i But you're not. There's another conversation to be had. You want me to feel comfortable. Yeah, I don't like that. There's something going to happen. Something's off. Let's do another. Keep your eyes open, girl. Okay. Hi, J and J and S. I'm a 33-year-old guy, and all of my close friends are either married or in long-term committed relationships. I'm the last single one in the group. Nerd alert! Jared, this was you. Is this me? This was you seven years ago. Seven years ago, me. Yeah. I've been single for a while, mostly by choice. I date, I put myself out there, and I genuinely enjoy my life. Sure. I'm not rushing to settle. You're going to question this guy? That's the thing. I'm not rushing to settle down, but I started to notice this unspoken pressure from friends, family, and sometimes even dates that I should have moved into the next phase by now. I'm sorry. I probably would have made you feel that way too. No one really outright says, hey, just commit. I'm sure some do behind your back. But there are a couple of friends asking, okay, and now what? When I'm over seven dates with a new woman, as if it's all on me to make the decision, on dates, it can feel like my relationship status is being quietly evaluated. For example, a woman I went on a date with last night asked me when my last serious relationship was, and I told her it was when I was 25. She did the mental math. Wow, really? Seven plus two divided by three. Okay, eight years. That's some time. How long was that relationship for? I definitely felt a way about it. My friends are saying something, but now my dates are? Like being single at 33 is something that needs explaining instead of just being where I'm at. So here's the red flag or deal breaker question. Single at 33 and loving it. A red flag would love your take. Not even a red flag. It's just not even a red flag. This is also, well, this is a dependent on where he's living. I had a friend that I remember they moved from DC to New York and they felt like they, they got younger. Yes. DC is the cultural black hole of old people. It's a very conservative socially place. Like I, I not, not politically, but like conservative. Listen, I love doing shows in DC. They're the most thoughtful people. They're fun. They'll go with you. As far as comedy is concerned, I think when it comes to the friend group in that area, that's an area that can be suffocating. I hear what he's saying. If I'm to give this guy feedback on his red flag or deal breaker, his attitude is the red flag. It's not being single at 33. No, that's not weird. You have to accept that your lifestyle is a question to people, is what's the plan. And as long as you're saying to people, I'm having a great time and I'm not going to settle for to meet someone, it's got to be the right match and situation to get me this great life even better. And that's not to say that the people I meet aren't great, that I'm not going to do that. And I think it's all about how you sell it. And right now you're selling a loser. Like, like I, I, not to be too mean. I'm just saying like you read this, like, are people real? When you get into like that, that languaging of like, do people really judge someone who's single and 33 newsflash? People are judging everything you do all the time, everything, all the time. Someone looks at you and goes, look at that stupid fucking idiot and how they did that thing. I would do it the exact opposite of them. They're a loser, idiot, stupid, and I would never associate with them. And you know what? We're better off not knowing that people are thinking that. But we should acknowledge that if someone has a different opinion than you about your life, that's okay. Also, this is obvious. Like you know if you exist in the world that people have thoughts about a single 33-year-old man and his ability to whether to choose to find someone or to not. Yeah, but the problem is the more he says, I love it, and the more he says, I'm great. Well, the more you say that, the more people don't believe you. They think something else is wrong. They think you have a commitment issue. Right, and that's why when I read this and I say he sounds like the red flag, it's not whether you believe what you're saying or not. It's just how you're saying it. Yeah. Okay, this also speaks to something that I sort of relate to with the having kids. There's this expectation of like, oh, you're not going to do the next phase. like you're not going to go do it right now when are you going to do the next phase let us know we're watching and then it's like whenever you see someone who you see every few months or something they want an update on like so what are you thinking about kids and it's like I don't fucking know and it's not that people are asking it because they want to like you know make you feel bad it's just people ask shit because no one knows what to say ever I think this is like cheap fodder I think it's like the weather Yeah. When someone's like, when are you going to get married? Like that's them filling the air in the room. Yeah. Because they can't deal with either the silence that fills it or the critical thought it takes to come up with a new topic for conversation. Yeah. Just talk about other shit. Right. So I think like the idea of like, when are you going to settle down? Like, yeah, like I don't I would just give a speech. But like I would just go at whatever I find the right person. right and then i would go and then i would go you got anyone for me but here i have two i have two mottos in life everyone notices no one cares that's it everyone notices no one cares so yeah everyone notices you're single everyone's wondering what your plan is no one gives a shit yeah they're just wondering because there's something to wonder right it's it's literally like yeah right when and I think it's harder for women on this stuff because societally and, you know, the judgments and the other side of it, like when someone asked the guy, like, you're not dating anyone. It's like, we don't immediately go to like, he must have a micro penis. Do you know what I mean? Like we don't go to like the most awful thing for men. Right, right. When we go, you're not dating anyone. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? It's very light. When someone say it to women, you're not dating anyone. Yeah. Women's things are very much like less in their control, I think. And so it seems like, you know, even this obviously isn't true totally, but like there's this old fashioned sort of idea that like the woman gets picked by the man and like she's taken off the market. My mom actually said this to me when Taylor and Travis got engaged and we're doing their. It always comes back to Taylor. Yeah, I was doing and did their podcast. And she was saying she was like, you know, it was so refreshing to hear him say that he like picked her and that he felt so lucky to have her. Because when we when I was younger, like it was always that, like the woman was so lucky to be picked by the man. And like she was so lucky to be like with this guy, like with a guy who like had an amazing job or whatever. And she's like, so I think that that's kind of like the default. So you're saying that she was happy that Taylor picked him. That, no, that he realizes that he has caught someone legit. He's been picked by the most amazing. Yeah, I get that. Yeah. And so I think with like, and also with women like having babies, like it's not always, it's not necessarily in your control. Like when that happens, like one plus one equals two equation. Yeah. And I think men get asked these things because it's like, people feel like you're in the driver's seat. Right. Well, that's what he, the one thing he does say in that email where he's like, I'm expected to like push to the next thing that's a lot of pressure i and i feel that pressure of like yeah okay i like you what are we doing and it's like what are you doing it's a lot of like it does feel like you're looked at to like i make it okay little lady hop on my back let's go to relationship down i feel that yes i feel that pressure so i understand i also think that's because you're like at the part of like i think if you were 28 i think it would be like dating a 27 year old yeah it would be less a lot less well sammy this was fantastic this is so much fun we solved dating we did we did it everyone go follow sammy morning announcements at betches i'm jared freed we are here every wednesday and friday we have a friday feels coming with a whole new special guest back on friday boom Betches.