Welcome to the Strong Men Strong Marriages podcast. I'm your host, Mike Frazier, MD. Let's get started. All right, men, welcome to today's episode of Strong Men and God, what to do after you fight with your wife. So look, there's always going to be conflicts in marriage and relationships with kids, with colleagues. So we're going to talk about what to do after to repair that relationship. It's something I'm working on actively right now and wanted to share what's working for me. So my name is Mike Frazier, MD. I am a psychiatrist on the path with you to live longer, stronger, and happier with our foundation in God. So my personal wins this week has been letting myself feel pain instead of going to anger. That's helped a lot. Definitely recommended to you as a potential strategy. If you find yourself angry a lot, probably there's hurt you're trying to not feel by getting mad. so letting yourself feel that pain can you let you access things differently and helps you repair things better than coming out in anger at people um i've been setting up a tough mudder run with work colleagues i'm excited to do that um got the strongman daily formula put together so i'll be sending that out uh in an email to you guys about kind of what's going to be in it uh so you can join a pre-order list if that's interesting to you just has you know stuff that a guy over 40 needs that actually has data to back it up. So you're taking what you need, everything you need, nothing you don't, getting good support for your body that you need as we age a little bit here. You know, the other thing I've decided is to take a break from coaching and programs this year for 2026. You know, it's something I've done for a long time now. It's kind of hard to not do that. But it seems like the right time to go ahead and take a break. I'll still be doing the podcast. I'll still be sending you guys updates and email about, you know, tips and things I'm learning. I enjoy doing the podcast. It's a way for me to kind of reflect on what I've learned and share it. So I'll keep doing that. There aren't many programs this year though, but join the email list. You'll get updates on, you know, tips, products, stuff that I feel like is going to be useful for guys like us, including the Strongman supplements formula and the progress on that. So, um, yeah. Uh, so probably maybe what you're trying now, right. Something happens with your wife. You have a fight. Um, I'm just going to use my example because I think it's good to use specific examples on this stuff. So, um, I was, I was about to fall asleep, but just fall asleep. Um my daughter came in to the room and woke me up Um and I don like I really don like my sleep being interrupted I was tired and so I overreacted I overreacted right I was like oh you know you shouldn be in here And I going to you know I need to make a rule No one can come in here after 1030 Like I was mad And so in the next few days Elizabeth and my daughter too, it's probably accurate. I kind of pulled away some, right? Now, remember for me, there's this long history of angry, anger outbursts, and some of them could be pretty extreme, pretty scary. You know, I didn't like beat anybody up or anything, but, um, you know, it was frightening. I'd get in people's face, I'd yell, right. Um, in games, sometimes I would get overly physical. And so there's a reason why it would be scary, even if it's not what I would consider extreme anger. This was not extreme anger, but it was definitely an overreaction. I was angry. Right. So Elizabeth seemed like distant. She pulled away. I started feeling myself getting angry, right? But thankfully, because I've been kind of having that goal of, okay, let me increase my emotional pain tolerance. Let me kind of turn to the pain instead of going straight to the anger. You know, that evening I was able to access more of that pain feeling, not that evening, but a few evenings later. And realized, look, it does feel painful to be rejected by her or to feel like she's rejecting me and feel distant from her. um so that night i kind of just let myself feel i was like oh man this does hurt this is it's not fun to feel that rejection to feel that distance um you know and kind of related it to feeling distant from my son i don't like that feeling um that pain right so came to the decision all right i'm going to talk about i'm going to talk about this with her the next morning which is also win for me because she's told me lots of times like i don't like doing these kind of talks at night i would often run over her with that and just be like well when else are we going to talk but it was a weekend we had a morning so went talk to her which for me was a win to not force my agenda and gain things done right now but to wait until it was a time that would work for both of us so small small wins right um so the way i started out i started just telling her yeah i felt hurt that she was pulling away um so the first thing she says was well maybe maybe it wasn't that oh i should i should clarify so a few days before we had this discussion i had apologized and i said hey look you know this was kind of a suggestion from my therapist i had talked to her and just said look i know maybe are you pulling away at me because i overreacted the other day and she was like yeah i was like okay yeah i'm sorry i did overreact i apologized to our daughter um and she was like okay but so that okay probably to her was like all right we're good but i didn't translate it as that so i kept feeling like there was this distance there and what had actually happened or pulling away was more something else And that what she was trying to tell me But in this moment when I was like hey I felt hurt you were pulling away You know, I felt like I apologized and you're just kind of holding it over me. That's what it feels like. She was like, well, that's not right. And usually I would have just kind of let that go. but that day just yesterday I think it was um you know I was like hey it makes me it makes it hard for me to share what's hurting me if you just immediately jump in and tell me I'm wrong so could you just please continue to listen she's like okay so I asked you that she did um asked her to just acknowledge that it was hurtful also asked her hey can you just clarify like are we okay after what happened with our daughter and she's like yeah we're okay it's like okay great thank you. So then I felt more calm. Right. Um, and, um, yeah. And she said, yeah, she forgave me. It wasn't about that. So I felt like that moment was repaired. Right. Then I brought up something else that had been felt painful for me that when she was holding my hand, she had been doing it in a different way. And I had taken that and it kind of is kind of an interesting story, but it's probably a good example of how like our past can shape how we interpret things. And so early on in our relationship, she held my hand like with fingers interlocking and she was like, well, if people don't do it that way, that's weird. And so recently she'd been not holding my hand with fingers interlocking, but just kind of like putting her hand on top of mine, that kind of thing. So I had taken that as like, we're not okay. Something's wrong. You're holding something against me. I have that kind of thought a lot. You're holding something against me. So again, I was like, Hey, it's kind of painful. Here's why, you know, this is what I'm taking. And she was like, actually, it's not that at all. Like my thumb is injured and it just kind of hurts to move it that way. It's like, okay. So again, my interpretation was wrong, but again, because I was coming her instead of like mad, which would have been my past for sure. I would have been like, well, you're, you're always holding against things against me. You need to change. You need to forgive me. Or like, you need to hold my hand different. Like, or you shouldn't be holding my hand this way. It just worked way better because I just was showing her how I was hurt and asking her to help me with that. So I felt like she heard my pain. She met me. We felt more connected. I felt more connected to her. And then she was like, well, can I share what's going on with me? I was like, yeah, absolutely. And so, you know, she let me know she was feeling overwhelmed. She didn't feel like I was giving her the support that she wanted as far as things around the house. And she said, hey I don need you to say anything right now I just need you to listen which I was able to do And then kind of spent that day had time yesterday so spent the day cleaning the house and kind of helping out with that So she felt supported there Um so then we had a really good date night. We're able to have fun, connect, uh, relax. Right. So this was a big win for me. Um, I'm really happy about it. I wanted to share that whole process so you can implement it in your marriage or other relationships, right. Kind of lead with that hurt, instead, right? So kind of the steps for me would be share the pain. Okay. This is what hurt. This is what happened. Here's how I'm interpreting it. And then just ask for like, Hey, are we okay? Like a signal, like, are we okay after that? Or, you know, maybe you need to make requests. Hey, can you change this? Or, um, you know, but having like that terminology with each other. Yeah, we're good. We're okay. Maybe it's a hug. Elizabeth and I hugged after this, that helped they know we're okay. And then you want to listen to their pain. So share your pain, listen to their pain, right? And help each other, right? So that's about it. You know, share your pain, ask for okay, listen to her pain, make sure she's heard, and then help each other out, right? So try it out this week. If something's been bugging you, instead of sharing, hey, you need to change this, which was definitely my strategy for many years. It's like, hey, that's hurtful to me. Um, you know, what's going on? Is there something to clarify here? Um, is there something I'd like you to change? Let me ask for that. Right. It's scary to do that because they might say no, they might not listen. It's scarier than being mad, which feels more powerful and controlling, but being mad is less effective to repair and pretty much doesn't repair things. So lead with that hurt, which is hard. And, uh, some people would say vulnerable. Um, I still love that word, but open, truthful, let's say. And yeah, try it out. So come to our, join our email list, get more tips and tools on living longer, stronger, and happier with your foundation in God by joining our email list. You'll get special offers, updates, get updates on the supplement brand as it's coming out. So again, strongman.io if you're not already on the email list. All right, stay strong in God, man. We'll see you next episode. Thank you for listening to the episode. If you enjoyed it, please leave a review and share it with a friend to help us create stronger men and stronger marriages across the world. Ready to go beyond just listening and take your marriage to the next level? Visit strongmen.io. You can purchase the Strong Men Strong Marriages book, get the email series, How to Be More Attractive to Your Wife in 7 Days, and apply to join our Strong Men Strong Marriages program. Visit strongmen.io and I'll see you there.
