1KHO 708: When You Want Your Life the Way It Was | Amber Emily Smith, The Girl on the Bathroom Floor

Oh, it's a beautiful world Ain't nothing on the screen It's never gonna beat this view Oh, it's a beautiful world And I just wanna share it with, I just wanna share it with you It's a beautiful world Such a beautiful world Oh Welcome to 1000 Hours Outside Podcast My name is Ginny Ertson, the founder of 1000 Hours Outside And I've just read a heartbreaking and heartwarming book all at the same time It's a beautiful book, it came in the mail and I was like wow this is a beautiful book It's called The Girl on the Bathroom floor The author Amber Emily Smith is here today Welcome Amber Thank you so much, thank you for having me What a book, what a book and a hard one to write And you know, and in some ways a little bit of a hard one to read because You talk about child loss in the book So that's one of the things that we're gonna be talking about today But so brave of you to share your story And I think it's really helpful for others And you talk about how you've been helped by other people In your walk, you're like you're constantly looking for other people's stories And how do they make it through and that type of thing So I think it's wonderful that you put the book out there It is a phenomenal book, the subtitle is held together when everything is falling apart But I would love if you would give some of your backstory You've got this really cool falling in love with story With your husband Granger who is a country music artist Yes, so Granger and I met going on 16 years ago And we met through his very first music video He was putting out his very first music video And he was casting for the love interest To play the girlfriend And I was doing acting part time back where I was living in my hometown of Fort Worth And I just thought okay, we'll all audition And it could be something fun for my resume Not expecting that I was gonna be my husband And I just we spent the day together Acting like a couple in love And then I just knew when I left that day that I had to see him again And then we ended up having coffee a month later And got married a year after that It's like a story out of a movie or out of a book Where you're like you're just going into play a role Wasn't there a thing where you talked about like Other people had auditioned and they maybe had picked somebody else And he was like that's not the person Yes, they did They went through a whole round of auditions through Craigslist And they ended up deciding on a girl And then he got home that night and he just said that he felt I don't think I don't think we got the right girl And that my picture he was on Facebook And my picture popped up on the people you may know tab And he looked at my picture and he was like I think that's the girl Just randomly shot in the dark message A random girl on Facebook Yeah What in the world? And I know Okay So then what is that like when you're like Okay, you go home, you're acting So the whole day is like you're supposed to be the love interest Right? You kiss each other You know what it's all an act You go home and you're like Wow, maybe that felt a little deeper Are you like super nervous to be like Hey, were you just acting or You know, did you feel anything too? Yes, I was I had my best friend with me And we were driving home and it was like a two hour drive home And I was I was just I think she could tell that there was something different And I was just like I think I think I like him And she was like no you don't You guys just act like you love all day You don't like him You won't feel that way tomorrow And I just couldn't stop thinking about him So yeah, I was nervous And I actually was bold and made the first move of texting him A couple weeks later And just said hey Did you feel anything that day or were we just acting? Yeah, that is so brave To actually say that, what did he say back? Well, I was actually I had been dating someone for a few weeks at the time And so he said well regardless of what you felt At that day you probably need to break up with who you're seeing And I was like yeah, you're probably right So hard conversations broke up with him And then we waited a month before we even hung out for the first time Just to make sure you know that that relationship was done And then we had coffee and that was that Wow So you're already kind of in this life of fame You're acting He's a country music star And travels a ton Can you just talk about what that life is like? Yeah, so whenever we first got together He was just starting out touring We were in a van and trailer He was traveling to like empty bars And sometimes we would play to only the bartender But it was so fun It was so fun I loved watching him play And then it was fun that we got to like kind of see the momentum going As we as we were married began to have kids and his career started taking off And it was just really fun to see him go from that You know small little place of a smokey bar to an arena It was super fun Now I will always cherish those days You know with the band back then What was the music video that you were in? It's called Don't Listen to the Radio Like is it still on the YouTube? Can your kids see it? Yes Yeah, if anything London watched it Our daughter London when she was about two And she, Granger and I fight in the video And we never fight But we had a big fight in the music video And she started bawling Crying, thinking the mommy and daddy were fighting And yeah, it was sweet that we have our very first day on camera for our kids Look at this What an interesting story What is his most famous song? Oh gosh, that's hard Probably Back Road song That was his number one single So I would say probably Back Road song Around the year 2015 What's the song that you love Most people don't know about? Oh my gosh, there's so many I mean, hundreds would make He would write hundreds of songs that wouldn't even make it on an album And I just felt like he was just They talented and people didn't hear That's so hard to put me on the spot Because I love every single one of his songs There's a song, a very early song called Dream On From like even before his very first actual single And I loved that song Long, Long Time ago One of his very first albums Were you already a fan of Country Music? Yeah, but I think back then I was more into my pop-fait, pop, rock, phase I did love Country Music but I'm a 90s country girl I love the old 90s country I loved his music and I'm so thankful that I did Because I think that would have been really difficult if I didn't like it Yeah, so you have this story This, you know, this really unique love story And you talk about, you know, you're starting to build a family You've got three kids And you know, you say like this is not a life without hardship You've got three little kids and your husband's on the road Sometimes 250 days out of the year, it's a lot And then tragedy strikes And so you write a book about that That's really brave to write a book about it I mean, it's one thing to live it Can you talk about I think the Granger kind of, you know, he wrote a book first Right Yes It would be really helpful if you shared your story too Or you guys kind of decide together Can you talk about that decision point where you're like I'm actually going to put this in writing Yeah, so after a Granger's book came out I mean, he tells a little bit of what I was going through But mainly it was him And so a lot of people wondered, you know Well, what did Amber's grief look like? What did Jules What did you guys go through in your marriage? How did your kids deal with it? And so I think just from the encouragement of You know, our family, our friends, our fans That we had followed him They kept kind of Urging me to tell my side of the story And then I just By the grace of God had an offer come from his His publishing agent And asked she just sent me a message She said I just have love following you guys If you ever want to put your story down on paper I would love to help you And so when that time came I just reached out to her And she was just my biggest cheerleader Throughout the whole writing process Yeah So one of the things that you talk about In the book is just the what ifs Sometimes like the hardest part of life So you know, you're just going about your daily life He's about to go to the country music awards And you know, it's like the end of the day You're maybe going to put your baby to bed But you're like, I'm just going to happen the shower Which is so normal Especially if you're single-mombing a lot Right? You're like, I'm just going to take this 10 minutes I'm going to happen the shower You know, he's heading out on this work trip I think so many people can relate to that Like, my husband's only gone for this amount of time You know, kind of in and out And in that very short window of time Your sweet little boy river Drowns in your pool Can you talk to the person who is really struggling with the what ifs Because this came up actually throughout the book several times Let's talk about the beginning Why did I take that break? Why didn't I just take the boys inside? Why didn't I just put river to bed? Why didn't I listen to my instinct? Then later on This isn't fair Why didn't I just put him to bed? Why didn't I take them inside? My baby needed me and I wasn't there I wanted to take a stupid shower Then later on You should have put him to bed You should have taken them inside You should have scheduled swim lessons Sooner This is all your fault You didn't protect him And I think these thoughts Especially when there's an accident They can just spiral Yeah Yeah, you know, as a busy mom You don't get a lot of time to yourself And so it was nice, you know, that he was home And he was with all the kids So I thought I'm going to go take a shower I was tired, it had been a long day And so I welcomed that short break And so of course as a mother If something some sort of tragedy strikes You're going to go through the what ifs Why didn't I do this? Why You know, I should have been there I shouldn't have been concerned with myself I should have Just Taking care of my children You know, I should have Should have done this should have done that And Not only are you relentless in doing that to yourself But you know, with us being in the public eye People were so critical And harsh on us So you hear the outside world Telling you that you're a failure And then the enemy Is telling you that you failed In the one job that you had To take care of your child So it's like the cycle of I think in our humanity We always try to figure it out Well, what if I would have done this We think we have the power that we could have changed it And so we just replay this loop of questions Of I should have done this I should have done that And so that was really, really difficult In my grief journey And even still today Even still now that I know that God is good And that he is sovereign And every one of River's days were numbered Naturally because I'm fleshly and fallen I still will say We'll think about Well, maybe we could have waited longer Or we could have prayed harder Or you know, you just do that to yourself And I try to write in the book Don't do that to yourself Don't do that to yourself Because that's what the enemy wants Is for you to doubt yourself To doubt the goodness of God And to stay stuck In a place of pain and grief And questioning Yeah Yeah And it was a situation where Granger had even asked you Like, can you take the boys in You know, by your just like It's so normal to go take a shower Yeah It's so normal for them to go run around outside For a little bit Before bed You do talk in the book And you have resources in the back About water safety for children Talk about a lot about getting kids outside And so This is something that comes up quite a bit You're around water Especially in a warmer month To think whether that's a pool Or you're at a lake Or something like that Can you talk about now for Maverick your younger one You did ISR Which is infant I can never remember to stand for But like I mean They're tossing the babies in the pool And they're pretty young And the babies I've seen videos right there And they're closed They're only how to flip over And float and yell for help Can you talk to parents Just about maybe what they Will be helpful for them to know about Yeah, I think you know We live in a world where all of our kids Are on like devices right now And we want to get our kids back outside But there's dangers You know out there And I think that's what A lot of parents are afraid of As we've We've gotten scared of the outside world And brought them into the inside world Which is even scarier Anyway, that's a whole nother podcast But you know, we learned that Drowning is the leading cause of death For children one to four Which we had no idea We had the number one killer in our own backyard Even though we put up a big Gate right when we moved in We had a lock We thought we were doing everything right The leading cause The leading cause for one additional death For one to four And then the next age is 15 to 19 Like you mentioned at lakes Because boating and you know Kids They're teenagers They don't want to wear a life jacket They think they can race each other And so that's the next age gap There for drowning And we just didn't know that it happened so fast And so silent I mean My husband and my kids were outside And nobody heard or saw a thing There was no splash No scream No struggle He just quietly slipped below the water And nobody saw a thing And they You know, drowning can happen And as little as ten seconds You lose consciousness And then there's no brain activity And so You know, we learned that we should not have been using puddle jumpers You know, the little floaties that go around their And their arms Because Well, I thought I was keeping him safe I was actually putting my children in the drowning position The vertical drowning position In that puddle jumper So It gives them muscle memories So where if they get back in the water If they accidentally make their way to Back to water They think they can swim And they go straight down to the bottom And so we did We didn't know that there was ISR classes Infant swim rescue And it's been around for 50 years And I had never heard of it And you know, so I knew whenever river passed And we were going to have another baby That I would have to put Maverick and swim survival classes Which was scary to me I mean, I lost the sun to drowning And then I have to now go put my Other sun in these classes And face water again But it was so Empowering and also really, really sad That I didn't know about these classes for river But with Maverick I watched him at eight months old Roll over and find the air And he was able to float and fall off the side And roll over and get the air And so I think Well, again, the what ifs If river would have had this Could he survived But now Maverick has the skills he needs And now he jumps in, swims across the pool He's never worn a floaty In his life So we just really speak out about water safety And the things that we didn't know Is that wow that eight months? So it really is starting to protect them Basically as soon as they can move Yeah, because they're mobile very quickly Yeah, at eight months you can crawl And so if at eight months you'd be able To write yourself In the water even with your clothes on I mean, I've seen kids that are They, you know, that's what they do They're going in in their snow suit You know, or whatever They're full, they're full gear And they know how to foot themselves over And kick or yell Or call out and get to the side Eight months Eight months They were that thick Such a little baby It is It is remarkable Yeah, so such an important thing to let people know about But I do think that those Classes are kind of hard to watch Yeah Well, I think you also see the ones where I remember one going around Where this lady literally threw the baby in the pool And that is not what ISR does They don't throw the babies in the pool They mimic what would happen If a baby crawled in Or if a baby slipped off the side Or And then, you know, drowning happens I think it's 60 to 70% During non-swim times So kids are in their snow suits They are in their PJs They are in their clothes They're not in their swimsuits So those classes are just If Riverwood have had that My husband was outside He could have rolled over and yelled for daddy But he didn't You know, so it's just Another layer of protection That you need Which we've learned You need multiple layers You need gates You need locks You need alarms You need to learn CPR You need Swim survival classes You need so many barriers Because one barrier As was our case failed The gate Yeah Like some nice If it just doesn't Totally latch Yeah Whatever happens Yeah This is such a fun announcement to make Wulm Bikes Is officially the 2026 bike partner Of 1000 hours outside And if you've been around here long enough You know That's not a casual partnership We care deeply about the tools That help families reclaim childhood And Wulm Is doing exactly that Wulm is founded by two dads And a Vienna garage Who simply couldn't find a bike That actually fit their kids So they built one And what makes Wulm different Is that they don't start with engineering They start with empathy Every part of the bike From the lightweight frame To the brakes Size perfectly for small hands Is designed to help kids feel capable and confident In a screen dominated world Bikes are more than bikes They are freedom They are connection They're miles of memories Before the street lights come on So this spring We're launching something brand new The 100 hour ride challenge Or release a brand new tracker chart Just for logging 100 hours outside on bikes And for app members Stay tuned Integration inside the 1000 hours outside app is coming If you've got little learners The Wulm Go bikes are incredible Available in six bright colors Including the sweetest new powder pink That just feels like spring If you are working toward your 1000 hours outside this year A great bike makes it a whole lot easier Wulm designs lightweight bikes Built just for kids So they can ride farther and ride happier Go to Wulm.com And use code outside 10 to check out For 10% off your bike purchase Excluding the Wulm Wow That's outside 10 for 10% off at W-O-O-M.com Marches when homeschool families start looking ahead You can almost see the finish line Spring goals, end of your milestones Maybe even testing around the corner And this is such an important time to reinforce key skills And build confidence before wrapping up the year If you are thinking about assessments Whether required by your state or simply the benchmarks You've set for your family It's awful to have a tool that makes review simple and clear That's where IXL can really shine IXL is an award-winning online learning platform That fits seamlessly into homeschooling It offers interactive practice across math Language art, science and social studies From pre-K through 12th grade A person lives as learning for each child Keeps them engaged and gives parents clear insight into progress What stands out this time of year Is a real-time feedback and progress tracking Kids get instant explanations when they miss something And parents can see exactly where growth is happening And where a little reinforcement might help It takes the guesswork out of finishing strong Make an impact on your child's learning Get IXL now And 1000 hours outside listeners can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership When they sign up today at IXL.com Slash 1000 hours Visit IXL.com slash 1000 hours To get the most effective learning program out there At the best price I actually used a lifeguard And I would lifeguard at this pool That had a deep end So you would like um You would jump in off the dive board And it was surprising First of all, it was surprising how many adults would jump in To a deep end of a pool and they didn't know how to swim You're like you're like 30 You know what is happening here Like did you know? Did you not know But sometimes they would just go under And like they would jump in And they would never resurface And then they would it would almost look like they were like Trying to climb a ladder in the water Like that's what it looked like And so to your point It's not this loud splashing You can hear it Like for that type of person like they went in And they never resurfaced And you would not hear anything It's completely silent So there's a lot of resources in your book about that Tell us about River Oh my goodness I was just watching videos Have them last night um You know the memories pop up on your iPhone And he just had the most unique sweet little voice I just there's no other child that had his voice He had these deep dark chocolate eyes Always seemed like he knew something that you didn't He was always wanted to go fast Nothing was fast enough for him He always wanted to climb higher go faster And I was just saying like we have our son Maverick now But it seems like River was past him And like like he had an old soul or something I don't know It was like he knew that his life was going to be short He tried to get in everything that he could fast He was always laughing always dancing The little comedian who would come A kind of come in and break up the fights of London and Lincoln Just the sweetest little boy and he loved being outside And he loved adventure and he loved dirt And he was just a joy You know and are in our lives And when we lost him It was like you know a light a light went out in our family And um I'll miss him every day until I get to see him again Yeah You did say you're like we're this many years closer Yeah You know we're this many years closer to seeing him again I think you know when you consider child loss I just read this book that was talking about how Like when a baby is born you just like you have no idea who they're going to be Like who is and and that I would imagine must be one of the hardest parts Which is like who would he be Who would he be at eight? Who what would that voice sound like at nine You know how fast would be going at 10 Can you talk about this sort of initial grief period And you talk about like joining grief share And And really kind of connecting with different people who helped a lot Can you talk about Being in a situation that you never want to be in Ever but finding different resources and people to help you along the way Yeah as you can imagine you know any any kind of trauma or loss or grief is really really difficult And it's really messy But the one thing I did know was that I still had a husband and I still had two other children who needed me and so as as Deep of a darkness and pain that I was in I knew I couldn't stay stuck in that place because life was going to keep continuing And I I didn't want my children to my other two children to Be traumatized more than they already were so I fought against everything in me to stay in my bed all day to cry all day to do You know, I made myself get up. I made myself get dressed I made myself trying to be a good mom And with that came trying to heal and so I read every book on hope in heaven that I could find I I did join a grief share group Which was helpful to be able to to look other people in the eye who truly did know what you were going through You know because other people will say I you know, I can imagine that so hard But when you talk to another mother who lost a child like they know they understand and so That that gave me the tools to Have a little community and I made myself go to church. I made my I made myself seek the Lord and I had heard that he was close to the brokenhearted so when my heart broke I ran to him And through that wrestling process that grieving that that lamenting I began to see who God was as he reveals himself to be in scripture and That started my my healing journey of slowly the Lord healing my heart little by little day by day and allowing me not to stay isolated because what the enemy once is for you to stay in your bed to be angry to fight with your husband to be mad at your kids To not want to go out in community not want to go to church and and I'm really glad that I didn't do that Because that's where he wants you as to stay stuck Yeah, and you talk about I mean life just moves on and I've always died about that like at funerals and you're like people are in They're the depths of their grief and then you know everybody else goes back to work the next day Everybody else goes to the birthday party everybody else and you also have to go grocery shopping and you have to make meals and you have to do The laundry and you have to put one foot in front of the other and so you do talk so much in this book about your faith and how your faith helps I do love that verse the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit And there are times in life where you are just crushed in spirit and God promises to save you So you did end up starting your own podcast arise with amber can you talk about that? Yeah, so that started before we lost river I would I would go in my closet and and like Kind of take a moment to be you know, but to have five seconds to breathe and When we lost river that's where I went and I we had a YouTube channel called the Smiths And so that's where I would go in my closet and I would cry and I would talk about what I was feeling and how my grief was going and how my faith journey was going and People said you should start your own channel or you should start a podcast So that's when that switched over to Arise with amber and that was where I was a brand new believer I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know my way around a Bible. I was just a grieving mom Trying to cling to any sort of light and hope that I could find and also try to be Transparent with others who might be going through pain and suffering So what began as me sharing like a little devotional turned into me preparing like 10 minute Our 10 page manuscripts and messages about the goodness of God and what I was learning and grief and love and parenting and joy and It really became this became this little small group that we had on this little corner of the internet Where we we learned and grew together and it was a really sweet sweet space So one of the things that you talk about is that all of a sudden What seemed important to no longer seems important So you're talking about it in terms of conversations So you say every day conversation felt Intolerable at times people complain about things that now seem so trivial and stupid and I'd have to fight the urge to scream It wasn't their fault They had an experience to kind of trauma. I had but it was hard to re-enter the world after everything that it happened And talk about petty superficial things you talked about the same thing about like television shows Can you talk about this perspective shift you do talk in the book then about how much time are we spending on these six inch devices in our hands There's a perspective shift here Yeah, you know it We think we know a lot you know what is important in life and we do but ultimately you know trauma and tragedy really pull the veil off your eyes And really make you realize what am I spending my time on what am I doing with my life? What am I allowing to infiltrate my mind and um, I just yeah, I used to watch silly reality TV shows and and You know it was fine to relax, but I just realized that's just it was just trash And it was doing nothing for me to learn or grow and you know when I lost to my son It's like all the color went out of the world Like nothing was nothing was I hated the mundane like laundry and dishes I hated doing all of those things I I didn't watch TV for years just because I just had no desire to and conversations were hard because You know like I said it's not their fault, but people are talking about silly things that like Somebody somebody I don't know I can't even think of of examples right now But things that when I that didn't compare me I got stuck in traffic You know and even bigger things got an in accident like even bigger things that you're like in perspective Those are really small things yeah, so small and it was really hard for me and I'm just Meanwhile the loop of of the visions that I was seeing was playing in my mind over and over of my child on the concrete and CPR and all the things and I just Was really hard. It is really hard to try to go back to life As normal when your life is not normal anymore your life is shattered your life is a mess and so That opened up my eyes too to how I probably was to other people who had been suffering and I was probably talking about dumb things that didn't matter And so really opens up your eyes to Compassion for others and what they might be going through and just really thinking about what you're what you're saying and What you're watching and what you're doing and does it matter in light of eternity? Yeah, what you're spending your time on and say how much time do we spend staring at these six These little six inch devices in our hand these phones easily become idols eating up hours in the day That could be spending God's word and could be spent with so many other things spending time with the people that we love We find ourselves constantly seeking validation through legs comments and followers And we start to base our self-worth and how we're perceived by others online We scroll endlessly filling our minds in with things that distract us from the one who truly deserves our devotion Tomorrow isn't promised we're meant to live fully and appreciate our time together So you have this total perspective shift one of the things that you talked about. I thought was such an important concept is When you want your life to be the way that it was and I think the things that we were talking about earlier like There's things that matter for five minutes or five weeks or five months But eventually your life does Sort of get back to normal like you lose your job, you know There could be really big things to lose your home even but you know at some point life can get back to the way it was But in this case life is never gonna go back to the way that it was You say I tried to get back to being the mom and woman I was but that girl no longer Existed she died that day by the pool on June 4th Can you talk about having to adjust to a way of life that's never gonna get back to the way it was? Yeah, you know, I think people always say you know how I'm ever gonna Move on from this and what I've learned is you're never gonna move on you're all you learn how to Carry this grief. It just becomes a part of you and you learn that you're not the same person. It was like You know Amber then and Amber now like I am not the woman that I was amber 1.0 and amber 2.0 But I've learned you know six years almost seven years now down the road that that's not a bad thing It's not a bad thing um and And especially in in my case the Lord used that breaking of my heart to bring me to saving faith in him And there's a there's a quote by CT stud and it says Only one life to soon be passed only what's done for Christ will last and so that just really I am a different woman now than I was before I lost my son and and you just learn how to walk with this limp of Life will never be the same, but that doesn't mean that it's worse It doesn't and I try to tell people in the book like that the that's that bathroom floor moment that lost that divorce that That heartbreak that whatever it is that you're facing is not the end of your story and it can be the beginning of something really really beautiful And I will say now on this side I have more joy than I've ever had deeper joy true joy True peace that I didn't have before I had a good happy life I mean I had a good marriage. I had healthy kids my husband was a touring musician and we were happy But we were doing nothing for the kingdom of God We were very much living for ourselves and for the world and God used this to transform us for him So much so to where now my husband is a pastor. He's no longer doing music. I mean he flipped our lives upside down um and it's been amazing To watch really hard obviously to to walk through and wrestle with but But I I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't I wouldn't go back and change it because too much Good has happened and now I truly know who the Lord is And I know that I'll see River again someday Yeah He saves those who are Christians spirit Yeah You so you talk about how you're a different person the woman that you were is is no longer And you also talk about Granger and How you learned three and a half years later after river drowned that Granger had tried to take his life in that process and he didn't tell And so you do talk in this book about bereaved parents and especially fathers are at a significantly higher risk of suicide after the loss of a child Which I didn't I didn't know that I mean it it does make sense But I was I think that's an important thing to read can you talk about Some of his experience and what a dad should know Yeah, you know, I think it I think for men they Want to be the strong one they want to they want to be the rock for the family They want to try to hold everything together so they don't grieve as openly maybe as as women some women do Um and so I don't think he ever fully processed his grief or allowed himself to grieve he went back to work very quickly Um he he did all the things that he thought he could do to help himself But none of those things were helping none of those things were truly healing, you know the whole that he had in his heart and um I would say I hope for men you know, they they realized that it is that you need to grieve you need to You know whether it's going to counseling or therapy or talking with your wife or whoever or pastor you need to lament and grieve because that grief will eat away at your bones It'll eat away at the inside of you if you don't allow yourself to process it and let it out And I think that's why it leads more to Suicides and things like that because they don't fully process what they're feeling Um, so that's a scary thing It's interesting to because like you talked about how well And I would imagine this is true for a lot of men And obviously I'm painting with a broad brush because they're women that obviously women work too Yeah, like in his particular case you're like okay, well He's he's the touring musician. He's the main act So if he stops working there's 12 people that are employed that are dependent on him continuing to work And that would could be the case for a lot of people where it's not even just that like You're throwing yourself back into it to be distracted It's a in some ways it's a necessity like you have to go work You're gonna have to keep making money and you have this company where people are dependent on you And so I mean it's so hard It's so hard that the world just moves on and you're like what the heck you know and you talked about how Like these feelings just ambush you out of nowhere like you see the yogurt that river really liked and I mean, it's just like these random things the flowers he liked and and and everyone else is just kind of moving forward and um And in some ways you have to you know, you kids who go back to school and you go back to work And so it's just such a helpful book the book is called The Girl on the Bathroom floor How together when everything is falling apart you talked about your faith your faith The your faith is stronger Granger gave up touring and enrolled in seminary If you talked about your mother and mom Debbie Yeah, and how she had a strong faith that you noticed long before Yours had grown to where it is today you say she truly loved the Lord and it showed And isn't that what we would want someone to say about us, you know Like oh gosh, you know, you're someday like your daughter and ma maybe you know, who doesn't have a strong faith But like for them to write in a book about you like you see truly had Love the Lord and it showed what was it about Debbie that portrayed that Yeah, you know, I I do write in the book that I was intimidated by her at first because she did have such a strong faith And I was still you know such a sinner that I just thought oh my gosh I'll never I'll never measure up to what she's looking for for her son and But she was never condescending she was just she would always just speak it makes me cry She would always just speak about the Lord in conversation And if there was something wrong she's like well the bible says this about this and she just she would cry when she talked about Jesus And she could just tell she just truly loved she loved God And I've always said, you know, I think she gets prettier every year. I think she's 69 now She she gets prettier every year because it's the light of Christ in her And you know the bible says those who look to him are radiant and she's radiant and She really just helped to plant seeds for me in my own faith Then made me like you said I want to know what that is. I want it. I want to know this Jesus I want to I want to know who she trusts and believes and loves and why she feels the way that she does and why she seems to have peace in a situation when other people don't So she was just a very much a catalyst in my faith and she doesn't even really I mean she knows it But I don't know that she truly knows um how much How much she did for me and in my own walk in my own journey with the Lord Through her own living Well, what's interesting in the thing that I hadn't considered was that When River died and this is so sudden right you talk about like was 72 hours ago. We were like Having breakfast and doing the ABCs. So you're like this is such a sudden thing Of how much it affects Everyone else in the family She talked about breaking the news to the rest of the family and your brother was in prison at the time And you're having to say to your family. Please don't be mad at us. I'm so sorry And you know, we have our broken hearts and we feel to keep them safe and this is a terrible tragedy And we're so sorry and so you you can see how Like when you don't know what's gonna come in life It's very helpful if you're a matriarch of a family like Debbie to be a person who has strong faith Yeah So I loved I love that you wrote about her and I felt like it was such an inspiration and um, and I hadn't thought about and then you talked about your brother like he was able to turn his life around and Just seeing so much life change in your story Can you talk about? This is obviously it's a very personal book you go through Everything that happens and you go through the depths of grief you also talk then about Getting a vasectomy or making long-term decisions about your fertility That was really interesting and good advice. I mean, I think You say it's like strong advice. This is strong advice Amber Like I'm like, but it's good. I think it's good to say the things that you've learned Because then other people will at least consider it and and so often we just don't consider We just like do what everyone else does or it's like, okay, we have our you know, we have our three children And so we're gonna do these things and you said I wouldn't recommend tubalid legation or a vasectomy to anyone Good on you Amber Good Can you talk about how like you and what you go on to say his life is unpredictable? Yeah Yeah, I think um You know, I we wrestled with with going through the IVF process because we thought you know Well, how can we play play the Lord in a situation? But we kind of already did that by choosing to tie I choose chose to tie my tubes after we had river because We had our plan we were gonna have three kids. Life was gonna go this way This is what we were gonna do everything was for us. Me me me. This is my plan what I want And life just doesn't go that way, you know We can make all the plans in the world, but the Lord directs our steps and so Right, and the Lord can work through those situations obviously and work through our sinful choices and decisions, but You never know what's gonna happen and you know I didn't know that we were gonna lose a child So if I would have known that we were gonna lose a child, I wouldn't have tied my tubes So I just I wouldn't recommend I wouldn't counsel a friend in that way, you know, I would say there's other things you can do to prevent But I wouldn't do that because you just never know how your life's gonna go. Yeah, and um Yeah, that that because we did that that caused a whole bunch of other things that we had to go through in order to try to have another child So yeah, I just I just wrote that I wouldn't recommend that um yeah for other people. Yeah I think that's good. I mean good for you for saying the the strong hard things You say life is unpredictable and despite our best laid plans we have no idea what will happen So then you go through this IVF and then this is more grief because you're having a miscarriage in an RV Yeah, I mean This is this is a hard road You're like trying to like build a home on a piece of land and you're like staying in this RV on your land Well, that's all happening javda's miscarriage in the RV and I would love for you to talk through This has been a lot of grief and ups and downs in your family How have you guided your children through it? Yeah, you know, we we did we had a miscarriage after a year after we well a little bit longer after after we buried river um But I had come so far in that year or the 14 months in my in my grief that I fully trusted the Lord with this new pain And I knew that he had walked me through the loss of my son that he would walk me through this pain as well And I I just fully resolved to trust God in in whatever situation So that is one of the ways that we've walked with our children through this is we have always said no matter What happens in this life with our eyes on Christ? We can make it through anything together and we did the practical things we put them in play therapy You know, we did like the worldly things um To try to help them through their grief process red books with them talked with them prayed with them cried with them We allowed them to see our own grief to you know I think some parents Try to stuff it all away and don't ever cry or don't ever let you say the child's name or lock the door And we just didn't do that we allowed them to see us cry We talked to them about how the world is broken and painful and hard and you know Mommy's really sad today. I really miss river today, but I'm gonna be okay And we just we just talked to them and told them that any emotion that they feel is okay Uh, so they were in play therapy for about eight months and we still allowed them to play with rivers toys and talk about them all the time and kept his photos up and I can't say what the right thing to do is but that's what we did in our family and that's what worked for us and by the grace of God they are resilient and joyful and and don't seem to have lasting trauma um, you know, they're still occasionally sad like London said she cried the other day um But they're they're happy. They're joyful. They're They're not um bogged down by by trauma and depression and things like that And so I can only say that that's just by the grace of God and that's how we allowed them and in help them process their own pain. Yeah Yeah, I think that you know, there's a lot of There's a lot of good information out in this day and age like I read a book by a man Well now I can't even remember what his name is um But he was talking he like works with um, I'm gonna look it up Uh, his name is Dr. Bruce Perry So I had a conversation with him and he like works with kids who have gone through trauma all different kinds of trauma You know, and there's just so much good information out there and he's a really big advocate for play therapy And those types of things so good for you and those are things that you can pass on to other families There was a dream This is like quite the story So you know, you say what I recommend to bowl a gaitian or vasectomy And then you're going through IVF and you're hoping to have another baby People are criticizing It is so interesting the responses of people you talk about that a lot in the book like people's response to you Um, when river passed away people's response to you when you are trying to have another baby when you do have another baby People's response even to your own kids who you know who are mean You know, they're little kids at school that are like well, if you don't play what I want to play I'm going to talk about your brother and it's going to make you sad You know, so not only are you having to deal with your own grief, but you're just also having to deal with the You know the surrounding opinions And the nastiness of people but you are going through this process and There's a dream Tell us I mean, this is quite a remarkable story Yeah, so we we didn't tell the kids that we were trying to have another baby We didn't they had no idea that we were going going through this process And my son Lincoln came in I think he was in April I have it on my phone He came in one morning, you know his hair's all messy super tired. He's rubbing his eyes and he said mommy. I had a dream about river And I was just like all you know, I pray to dream about river all the time And so I got so excited that he got to see his brother and I said well, what what was it? What what did y'all do? And he said that you know, he told me the whole dream like they played together um And he told me exactly what he was wearing and but then he said at the very end he said And then in the dream river told me that you were going to have another baby. We were going to have a baby brother It was a boy We're going to have a baby brother, but we didn't know it yet, but it's a baby boy And I just I was so shocked that I ran and got my phone and recorded it I went out to Grainger and I said, Bubby, I said tell daddy what you what your dream was about So I recorded it and I have it. Lincoln was five Um, and he had this whole long drawn out dream every detail And Grainger and I were just shocked of okay, is this really going to happen? Are we really going to is God really going to give us another baby boy? So when we had the miscared we were so confused because we thought you know, no, we we believed that this was going to happen and um And we did we had another baby and it was a boy And river was in the dream with Lincoln and told him about it And you just can't explain things like that No people people will say oh there's just a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidences I believe in the power of the Lord and There are no accidents or coincidences with with God and um, so that was a really sweet thing that we've held on to That Lincoln got to have that from riv Oh again, I read it. Yeah, because you say you had you had actually recorded it. So this is verbatim from the voice recording He told us about heaven. He said he had fun with Sue a giant T-rex we had seen at a museum recently He said Jesus was fun Yeah, and the third part was in my dream Mama, he was having a baby and the third part was in my dream mama was having a baby But we didn't know it yet and river was playing with our baby brother It was a boy, but he told us that and then we knew this is you know This is like a little five-year-old talking and then he said did you see me by the pool and you woke up from CPR And then we moved back to the old house and then we swam for a little bit And then we went to go feed Murray the sweet goat next door because that was his favorite thing And then I was sad when I woke up Yeah Least trouble wrote a book last year called seeing the supernatural is a phenomenal book about dreams and angels and all the things that we often don't talk about In the faith world, but are such real things, you know, God uses dreams and What a story what a story for Lincoln to have that and And for your whole family and I loved it I loved that they swam. I mean that was the way that river passed and they swam together You know, it's just sweet little things and I know there you know there's it's kind of split Some people believe that the Lord still speaks through dreams and other people believe that those have stopped But you just can't explain things like that. I mean there are just things that happen and and I just truly believe that the Lord still Can come to us, you know be our dreams. I think he could do whatever he wants Yes, absolutely and for our children. Yeah, it wasn't your dream You know, you're praying for the dream. It's Lincoln's dream. Yeah It's his experience and what a precious experience for him to have that little insight that there's gonna be a baby brother before anyone else He's the one who got there Oh you talk a lot about how river love to play outside And I you know obviously, we're you know, that's kind of what we're doing here We're just like trying to get kids outside trying to have less time on screens And I talked to this woman in Aaron lineup this past year and she was talking about how You know you said at the beginning you're like all this video just came up a river and And there was a day and age where people didn't have that like they didn't have videos and they didn't have pictures and What they had was like seasonality and they had sensory experiences from From God's creation And so I'd love that you talk about this like you you would say that you know When you go see certain flowers or the little wishes like the dandy lions that they remind you of him and You talk about how spring is one of your favorite times in the year and so At a side that's a good reminder You know, you never know what's gonna happen and that all these beautiful sensory experiences can help remind you Of your loved ones people talk about that in all sorts of senses like they'll be like the Holly Hacks your Miami of my grandmother Those are beautiful things that God did and I never really considered it until this Aaron told me like it's like God's Memory box Next Facebook gives us a memory thing right like memory hopper whatever it's called but like God did it too Yeah, and that happens with all kinds of things you know outdoor nature and smells and sights and and birds and his creation Like you said, it's his beautiful creation that he speaks through and and sits so sensory for us Yeah, yeah, it's the way that he he allows us to bring back different memories Okay, can you talk about grainders? This is like a A 180 shift here, but I thought this was so interesting. He does a yearly 100 mile walk What is that? No, he hasn't done that in a while, but he he walked for every year for five years He walked a hundred miles To show support of our men and women in uniform And so he would walk in combat boots from Austin to Fort Hood and it Some people would join us on the road, you know, there was old Navy seals that would join us and it was just to raise awareness for our men and women who You know fought and and ultimately some of them gave their lives for us and for our freedoms And we've just always really loved supporting law enforcement and men and women in uniform and and what they do for us And how we get to live free because of them ultimately obviously because of Christ But because of them and the work that they do Yeah, yeah, what a cool thing to talk about that in the book and the girl in the bathroom floor You also talk about the fund that you started the river Kelly fund. Can you talk to us about that? Yeah, so we started very early on you know, maybe a week when we left the hospital My brother-in-law Created a shirt because we have an apparel company and he created a shirt with a big excavator on it It was River's favorite tractor and we just we didn't know what we were gonna do Ultimately, but we raised money and ultimately gave it back to Dell children's hospital and That was the start of seeing like a little bit of a light in a dark time that we can bring good from this This isn't all for nothing we can Do things in memory of river and in support other people and spread joy and love and so I created the River Kelly foundation and We've given back to so many different organizations all across the globe It's given me purpose through my pain and I would I would say that to anybody if you're grieving when the time is right Aim to do something for somebody else and in honor of your loved one Because it truly does bring joy Through a dark time that you're able to help other people through your pain Yeah, so people can check that out. I'll make sure up with the links in the show notes You also did organ donation and you had this wonderful line in here about how the woman that She had polycystic kidney disease Trying to find a hearing man notes amber, but you had said Maverick got to meet her and you said something like This is the closest however be physically to his little brother or to his to his big brother. Yeah Yeah, that was such a Another blessing in the breaking that I write about in the book is that you know this woman elder She was on She had kidney disease for 35 years and she was tethered to a machine for eight to ten hours a day for for the last three years and I always found it interesting that Rivers three full years of his life when he just lived outdoors Hair flying back riding his go-cart plan in the dirt all he knew was love and joy and ice cream and all the fun things and she stuck to a machine Eight to ten hours a day probably questioning where are you Lord? Why are you letting me suffer? And I write in the book that you know I could almost hear the Lord whispering to her Hold on daughter. I'm raising up a little boy who will help heal you And so he was able to give her his right to kidney and now she lives a beautiful life And she was given a second chance at life because of Rivers' little life So that was just another another Blessing in the breaking of my heart, which is what I write in the book Yeah, and you don't always necessarily meet the people But in this case you were able to and then she was able to meet Maverick So that's such a full circle moment for your family and I loved how you wrote about it I can't find it in my notes anywhere, but I I remember it because it was so striking that you know now that they're sort of close together that yeah Yes, the closest that he would be to a piece of his big brother and she was a whole Simps brother. Yeah Yeah, and that she was an older woman You know, you don't really picture that you're like this is a small child But some of his organs went to people that were in their 40s and 50s. Yeah Yeah, I think yeah, that's another the way that the Lord surprises you is you think one thing I thought his organs would go to children and babies and we would be helping another family take their baby home because we couldn't And they went to adults Which is still a bit of a miracle and a blessing, but it's not the way that I thought it would would have been Yeah, Simmon's mother, you know, that has her own children Okay, let's just hit one last topic Which is about the help from strangers and just the help from friends too Like the strangers kind of struck about this prayer journal from Naomi who then became your friend But you say during a time of loss Disgisines can be hard to make yet you are forced to make so many all at once right no bit You're a pick a funeral home and a burial plot choose burial clothes pick songs Still in a state of struck and you're struggling to make even the smallest choices We say thankfully my sweet friend stepped in they helped with the older children They helped with the funeral arrangements help with the food they even shopped for your funeral dress You say this quote from John Piper God is always doing 10,000 things in your life and you are aware of about three of them to talk about that perspective change there Yeah, you never see all all the things that the Lord is doing and I would say during that that month after we lost river I was in such a state of shock I know I still don't even probably know all the things that people did for us just because I just wasn't there I just wasn't myself, but We had such wonderful friends and family come in and just just take care of things that That needed to be done um, I had one friend that showed up at my house every day for a month just to sit with me And I think that's often sometimes what we miss with people in grief is we always want to fix it It was one of fixed things and and you can't fix really hard things You know, you can't fix a mother's loss over her child But just the presence of being there sitting with them crying with them praying with them And other people were doing things behind the scenes like like I said like the Lord was doing things In our pain and in our grief. He was causing a woman to write for 30 days a prayer journal for a stranger She had no idea who I was But she poured over these pages these beautiful prayers since like the Lord was working in her heart To comfort me and now I have a best friend through that that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't lost my son And so God is always working in weaving lives together even through the most painful valleys Yeah Yeah, 10,000 things in your life and you are aware about of about three person three of them How about dealing with the comparison because other people have tragedies and their kids do recover Yeah, I struggled with that really I would I would search stories of kids drowning and I would like follow their updates And did they open up their eyes or did they get to go home and That was really difficult because some of them did some of them got to go home and got to be with their family again And so I wrestled with well Lord, why couldn't we why why why did they get to go home? and our son didn't But as I write in the book comparison is a thief of your joy and it will keep you stuck in a cycle of bitterness and so Truly what helped me was was as I said in the beginning getting to know the God of of scripture and getting to know the God of the Bible and and trusting in his word Because he is for you. I was just reading in the Psalms this morning that God is for you Yeah, he is for you no matter what you're going through no matter what season you can know if you know him That he is for you and that nothing slips out of his hands and that that wasn't my path that it wasn't meant for a river to come home Because if he was still supposed to be here, he would be Because the Bible says every single one of our days are numbered before the foundation And so let me dig trust in that has really helped me and my healing and grief process and Allowed me to not compare my story to someone else's anymore Yeah What a book Amber what a book you really laid it all out in there You know the lowest of lows and your faith and a lot of low lows and dealing with child loss and dealing with How to keep your marriage together through all of it. It's a wonderful book. Thank you It's one of a book and keep very brave of you to write it and very important that it's out there The book is called The Girl on the Bath and Floor Hooked together when everything is falling apart you have a lot that you offer your husband's got a book He's got a podcast. Can you tell people like what are the kind of main things if they want to find more? Yeah, so I actually took a break from a rise with Amber to write the book Still working on bringing that back in a new capacity, but yeah, my husband Granger. He had the Granger Smith podcast He's just now shifted it. It's called 99 for for the one so 9941 podcast Oh, I love that. How he did the 99 for the one yeah, I was so creative. He's creative. He's very creative He came up with the book title. He did he gave me the book title 9941. Yeah, I love that I know it's so good So yeah, he has that he's now in seminary You can find us on our socials at Amber Emily Smith as my Instagram. That's usually where I connect with people We still have our art Smith channel our YouTube channel But we're all over the place just just type in our name and you'll find us All right, well as an honor to get a chance to talk with you We always end our show with the same question. What's a favorite memory from your childhood that was outside? Oh my goodness I was just talking to the kids the other day We would be gone. I know that I sound so old when I say this but we would literally leave the house in the morning come back when the sun Was it was going down we would be riding the bikes. We would be going through tunnels like cement tunnels underground um, it was just A joyful time. I mean that's what I remember is always being outside riding my bikes with my friends um roller skating outside Those are those are super fun memories. I do remember going through a cement tunnel that we were a little afraid to go through But we that's what we did we just explored and it was so fun So much freedom. Yes, so much freedom. It makes for a good childhood. That's for sure And by so pursuit you you're sharing your story. Thank you for being here. Thank you so much Get outside open your eyes feel that sunshine kissing your skin. Oh your worries out to the wind Climbs some trees skin your knees feel that grass on your feet again Get out there and take it in Oh Ain't nothing on the screen. It's ever gonna be this you Oh Beautiful And I just want to share with I just want to share with you It's beautiful Such a beautiful