Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No! (Follow THESE Clear Boundaries to Protect Your Energy)

This is a iHeart podcast. Guaranteed human. British gas have this thing. We call it home care. We'll fix all sorts and its unlimited repairs. Expert engineers will solve the upset of boilers not boilering or taps that won't wet. Electric's playing tricks or a pipe that's broke. We're there for everyone. Even blue furry folks. Your home won't feel booby trapped. It'll feel just like new. British gas taking care of things and looking after you. T's and C's apply excess options available per repair. The older I get, here's the number one thing I prioritize. Protecting my energy. Protecting your energy is the most important investment you will ever make. Energy is how you show up in the moment. It's how you use your time. It's how you connect with people. If your energy is drained, you can't achieve anything. If your energy is sucked out of you, you're not the best version of yourself. And if your energy is being pulled out of you, you don't have the ability to make an impact. So many of you want to be incredible entrepreneurs. So many of you want to launch your own podcast. So many of you want to find love and build the right relationship. All of those require energy. Energy isn't just about how much flow you have and how much enthusiasm you have. It's about the frequency that you vibrate at, what you attract into your life, the kind of people you surround yourself by. Have you ever noticed that some people leave you feeling full and others leave you feeling flat? You start the day feeling okay, but after a call, a meeting, a quick catch up, you feel strangely tired, like someone unplugged your spirit. That's not in your head. That's your energy being taken, wasted or exploited. Today, I want to talk to you about how to protect your energy so that your energy is never wasted. It's never taken or exploited by anyone and that you're not building walls, but learning how to manage your light. Because not everyone who wants your energy deserves to have the key. Part one. Here's something I've learned. Every text, every conversation, every thought, it's an investment. And just like money, if you spend without awareness, you end up emotionally broke. There are two types of people in your life. Energy investors and energy thieves. Energy investors leave you better. They give as much as they take. You walk way inspired, lighter, expanded. Energy thieves, on the other hand, they leave you heavy, confused and drained. And here's the trick. They don't always mean to. Sometimes they're just running on empty themselves. And if you don't have boundaries, they'll subconsciously plug into you like you're their charger. Pause for a moment and think, who in your life leaves you lighter and who leaves you heavier? That's your body's wisdom speaking. It's amazing, isn't it? How our body and mind actually tell us how we feel. You finish having lunch with someone and you're wondering why they just gossiped the whole time and spoke negatively about someone. And then you spend time with someone else and you walk away feeling so inspired to start something of your own. You walk away from someone else and you feel guilty and shameful that you haven't yet started your own side hustle of business. You walk away from someone else and you walk away with a bright new idea. Your body and your mind are constantly talking to you. They're constantly receiving data and signals. But what happens is our lives are so busy that we don't have the time to process this data and signal to actually know what to do. Which is why we revisit the same people in the same places that drain us again and again and again. I want you to really focus in for the next 24 hours and then the next 48 and then the next 72. Looking and asking yourself after you meet each person and after you interact with anyone, whether it's a Zoom, a phone call, a text or an email or in person, who is an energy thief and who's an energy investor. And here's where I want to be really careful about this. Someone who's stealing your energy isn't always doing it maliciously. They may just not know how to deal in energy themselves. So just so you know, someone who's stealing energy isn't a bad person. They're just someone who maybe needs to listen to this episode too. In life, there are energy givers and energy takers. Energy givers make you feel safe being yourself. Energy takers make you question yourself. Energy givers listen to understand. Energy takers, well, they listen to reply. Energy givers want to see you win, even if they're losing. Energy takers only cheer when they're ahead. Energy givers inspire action. Energy takers drain motivation. Energy givers recharge you with honesty. Energy takers exhaust you with drama. Energy givers make hard days feel manageable. Energy takers make easy days feel hard. And energy givers ask you how you really are. Energy takers ask but don't really care about the answer. Energy givers respect your boundaries. Energy takers test them and call you difficult when you hold them. So I wanted to give you that list because here are the two lessons. Know who are the energy takers and givers in your life. And number two, be an energy giver. Don't be an energy taker. Part two, here are the subtle ways people drain you. Sometimes it happens so subtly that you don't even recognize it. And it takes months, maybe even years for you to recognize that this individual or this group of people haven't been filling you up. Number one, the emotional dumper. They call it venting, but really it's unloading. Every conversation is about their chaos, their crisis, their stress. And when you try to share something back, it circles back to them. I can't tell you how many people in my life have noticed where they don't have the capacity to think of life beyond themselves. I realize that even when I want to help, I don't know if I'm even able to because they're so lost in their own world that all they want to do is bring it back to another thing about them. And they're looking for assurance. They're looking for validation. They're looking for reassurance. They're looking for support. They're looking for help. It's always about them. And it's subtle because in the beginning you might think you're helping. You might think you're the fixer and you might even like that. You may even want to be the fixer. See, it's not that this person's taking advantage of you. They're actually enabling who you want to be. So it can be your responsibility as well to recognize that you're trying to be the healer. They want to be the healed. But in reality, neither of you win. Number two, the chronic taker. You've helped them move. Listen through breakups. Give them advice. But when you need something, they're busy. They've got a different priority. This one's heartbreaking because you put your heart on the line. You went out of your way for that person. You did things for them when it was inconvenient for you. And when you need one small thing, they don't have any time. This one is so heartbreaking, but it's important to notice. Now, I'm not saying that every relationship you have turns into a transactional analysis. I'm not asking you to keep score or keep count. And I'm asking you to check with yourself. If you can keep giving without needing their help, that's incredible. Good for you. But chances are it's going to wear away and tire out the relationship that you're trying to build. The third subtle way that people drain your energy is the boundary tester. Pay attention to this one. They'll say, can you just or it will only take a second. They push because you've trained them that your time is flexible. This one's huge for me. Right? This person makes it sound like their request is so small, but in fact, they're just testing your boundary. You just said, I don't think I can do that this weekend. And they message you saying, what about Saturday morning just for 30 minutes? You just said, I'm really sorry. I've already committed to an event that night and they'll message you back and say, well, remember I helped you with your birthday. Right? They push your boundary. If you've had the courage to state your boundary to a friend or person in your life and they use that boundary against you or believe that it's flexible, they're draining your energy. If you said to someone, I can't make it this weekend. And they said, what about Saturday morning? They don't value your boundaries. If you said to someone, hey, I'd really like to keep it private. And they said, hey, can I please bring a couple of friends? They don't respect your boundaries. If you've had the courage to state how you feel and someone sees that as flexible, you've got to recognize that's draining your energy. Because guess what? It already took so much energy for you to be honest. And now you've got to focus again on projecting the truth. And that's hard. The fourth way that people drain your energy is called the compliment parasite. They admire you, but it's conditional. They celebrate your wins until your light makes them feel small. All of a sudden, when you found someone that you love, you're in a relationship. You now get this passive aggressive version of them. You just got a promotion at work. They can't really handle it. You just made a move outside of work. They don't know if they can deal with it. You just moved in with your partner. They've got something to say. If every time you have some good news to share and you struggle to share it with this particular friend, it's because they're draining your energy. If you can't share something positive that's happening in your life with a friend, because they might feel agitated or uncomfortable about it, you're not that close. You're not that close if you can't share your wins with someone. You think you're close to someone when you can tell them about a bad day. Well, you're really close to someone when you can tell them about your good day. Someone who is there for you when you're losing is a great friend. Someone who can celebrate you when you're winning, when they're losing is a phenomenal friend. Hey, hun, missed you last night. Kiss. Two musketeers isn't the same. I hope you feel... No. Thinking of... Oh, she knows that. Okay, what I'm trying to say is... You've got this and we've got you. Whatever you want to say, let our skilled local florists help you say more. Interflora, say more. Stop paying to invest. With free trade, you can invest without the legacy fees, with a free ISA, a free pension, and commission free investing in funds, stocks, ETFs, bonds, and more. Join over 1.6 million users on Free Trade's award-winning free platform. Go to freetrad.io.io to get started. Capital at risk. ISA and SIP rules apply. Other charges may apply. Number five in the subtle way that people drain your energy is the situational friend. They show up when you're shining. They disappear when you're struggling. That's the truth. Not all drains are obvious. Sometimes the people who take the most energy are the ones who smile at you the most. And that doesn't make them bad. It just means you had to get better at choosing where to pour. Because some people don't mean to drain you. They just haven't learned how to fill themselves. Part three, the inner leaks. Now let's flip it. Sometimes it's not them draining you. It's you draining yourself. You over give because you're scared of losing love. You say yes because you don't want to disappoint. You stay silent because you fear being labeled difficult. You confuse exhaustion with productivity. You mistake being busy for being valuable. You confuse being available for being kind. You mistake being agreeable for being good. You mistake being selfless for being loved. Ask yourself this. What part of you believes love must be earned through exhaustion? When you start seeing where your own leaks are, you realize protecting your energy isn't about cutting people off. It's about stopping the self-betrayal. So many of us think our energy is being drained. Our energy is being used. Our energy is being exploited. And in reality, we're the ones allowing access. If every time you get home, someone's already in your house because you told them where the key was hidden, is that your responsibility or theirs? If someone always expects you to be there for them because you always change your plans to show up, is that your responsibility or theirs? People will only take advantage of you to the extent you allow them access to you. If you're always available because you think that means you're kind, people will take advantage of that. If you're always around and flexible to show that you're nice, people will take advantage of you. People may like you because you're available, but people will respect you when access to you is protected. When you have boundaries, when you know who you are, when you know what your priorities are, what you can and can't do. If you're scared to say no to a friend because you feel they're going to be hurt or upset, chances are you're not actually that close to them because if you're close, your no should be understood as I really can't do this, not that I don't care. Because if you're close and you said no, chances are you had something really important come up. Part four, how to protect your energy without becoming cold. Look, let's get practical. I think it's really hard to say no without feeling like you're coming across cold. It's really hard to set a boundary without feeling like you think you're more important. It's really hard to say you have a priority without making the other person feel insignificant. So here's what I use. I call it the three boundary rule. Number one, physical boundaries, space and time. Who gets your mornings? Who gets your weekends? Made replies as self care. Alone time is protection, not isolation. If you know what times and days, I remember I have a really good friend actually, he was one of my closest friends in LA. And I remember when I first met him, I told him, I was like, weekends are really for my wife. I'm free a couple of weekday evenings, but on the weekends, I love spending time with Radhi. And we like spending time with our couple friends so we can all spend time together. And this was a guy friend that I spent one-on-one time with. All of a sudden, it made it really clear when I was available and when I wasn't. And now we spend time together on weeknights and we love it. It's awesome. Number two, emotional boundaries. Stop absorbing moods that aren't yours. Just because someone's anxious doesn't mean you have to be. You can hold compassion without carrying their chaos. Sometimes I realized that I had a few friends who would text me like everything was an emergency. And in the beginning, I saw it as being a good friend to always be around. This would be midnight, 1 a.m. cancelling a meeting in between work. And every time I spoke to them, I realized it wasn't that big an emergency. And then I wouldn't hear about them or from them for months. And I thought to myself, wait a minute, how can I react to this better? So now when they erratically reach out, I'll message back and say, hey, I've got time in three days. We can talk properly. And that's true. I'm not lying. I'm not playing hard to get. It's reality. And all of a sudden, when I'll message them in three days to check in, they'll say, oh, yeah, no worries. I forget it out. All of a sudden, I'm able to protect my emotional boundaries. Number three, energetic boundaries. This is the quiet spiritual layer, prayer, meditation, nature, stillness. All of these cleanse the residue of other people's energy. When you don't do this, you carry invisible clutter. You start confusing other people's emotions for your own. This resonated with me strongly. A lot of people ask me, Jay, how do you carry so many people's stories and so much people's weight? And I have two answers. The first is I have a very clear practice that allows me to constantly cleanse and heal myself. My meditation practice, my morning routine, my prayer. And the second is I don't believe I'm holding it. The universe is. God is. I'm holding much bigger than me that's holding that, but I've got to be connected to that in order for it to be held. Here are a few practical tools that will help you. Number one, the pause test. If you dread replying, you're probably overextending. When you're overthinking a text, when you're overwhelmed by someone's response, it's showing you that there's something about that relationship that doesn't have the right energy. Because if someone's really in your life for all the right reasons, you don't feel that tension with them. Recognize that there's something that needs to be clarified in this relationship or distance is probably better. The next practical step is called the energy audit. Each week, write down what gives and what drains. Notice the patterns and also be really clear about how much energy you actually have to expend. So, as I always say to my team, I can probably do around two work events a week when I'm at my best energy. That's the most I want to do. And when I have that capacity, I now become selective. Whereas if I just said, yeah, sure, I'll go to any work events, I could be at work events five to six nights a week and I'd have no energy whatsoever. Number three, the 24 hour rule. Don't say yes right away. Buy yourself the space to check your energy before committing. If you want to stop draining your energy, try this. When someone asks you if you can do something, you check your calendar, but you rarely check your energy. At the same time as checking your calendar and your time, check your energy. Do you want to show up there at 50%? Will that be enough? Do you want to show up at 100%? Is that where you want to be at? Knowing what level of energy is as important as knowing the amount of time you have. Remember that boundaries aren't rejection. They're clarity. They tell others where you end and they begin because your peace is not up for negotiation. And if someone sees your clarity as rejection, that says more about them than it does about you. Boundaries don't mean you don't care. They mean you finally care about yourself as well. Boundaries don't make you selfish. They make you self-respecting. Boundaries don't make you hard to love. They make you harder to manipulate. And boundaries don't control others. They remind you that you can only control yourself. Part five, reclaiming your light. So here's the truth. You can be compassionate and still have boundaries. You can be loving and still say no. You can care deeply and still protect your peace because your energy is sacred and the world doesn't need more drained, depleted, over-giving people. It needs people who are alive, aligned and lit from within. Take a deep breath. Breathe in energy that nourishes you. Breathe out energy that depletes you. You don't owe anyone your burnout. You owe yourself your peace. I think it's so important for us to realize that when you give people your leftovers, you're actually not being able to give your best to them. And that's when you feel inadequate and they don't feel good either. If I'm exhausted and I can't make it to an event tomorrow night and I don't go, I've just saved someone from having to deal with my fatigue. And if something's really important to me, I can actually prepare my energy to make sure I can be my best there. Now, there are plenty of things that I go to where I'm 50% of myself, but I know that that's all that's required and that's okay. And if I don't think I can bring my best to something that needs me to be at my best, I sure don't want to show up because I know what it requires. So it's really important that you create rules and systems because when you get tired, when you get frustrated, when you get annoyed, that's how you protect yourself. So because I know I only do two work events a night, I can only spend one evening with a group. I know that I need to work out every day and play some pickleball two times a week. That starts to give me rules and systems to protect my energy. And then I can monitor that for a month and see how I feel. It's so important to also know that your priorities can shift in seasons. There may be a season where it's all about going out. There may be a season where it's all about staying in. There may be a season where it's all about building. There may be a season where it's all about breakthrough. It's up to you to define the season and the priorities that come with that season, not keep running behind everyone else's priorities because they'll be endless. They'll be limitless. You could say yes to everyone. Let them down and let yourself down because you felt drained, because you felt fatigued, because you didn't have the right energy. And then you feel even more upset because you think, wait a minute, I came out even when I was tired and you're still upset with me, which fractures your relationship even more. It would have been better to say no, protect the relationship and come back stronger. Stop thinking that saying no is you being mean. Stop thinking that you saying no is saying you don't care. Stop thinking that you saying no is saying you're not important. No doesn't mean any of those things. It can also mean I don't have enough energy. I'm not ready to go out. I don't feel my best. Or it can simply mean no. If this episode helped you protect your energy today, share it with someone who needs to hear this too, because healing energy, like light, multiplies when shared. Thank you so much for listening to today. Remember, I'm always rooting for you. I'm forever in your corner. And don't forget, your energy is your currency. Manage it like you manage your money, your time, and it will make a difference. See you soon. If you love this episode, you'll love my conversation with Dr. Joe Dispenza on why stress and overthinking negatively impacts your brain and heart and how to change your habits that are on autopilot. Listen to it right now. How many times do we have to forget until we stop forgetting and start remembering? That's the moment of change. No one cares how many times you fell off the bicycle if you ride the bicycle now. You ride the bike. Babe, it's Gem. Just for snowing you because I'm so busy. I can't even type right now. I'm working on that big presentation for my new launch. I'm making it on Canva mobile like you suggested. And it's making everything iconic. It's a bit noisy, babe. Mark is going off. Anyways, I'm going to ping the presentation to you now. So you can see what I mean. Yeah, madame. Gotta go, hon. Thanks for introducing me to Canva. This Easter, switch your phone from home mode unexpected item in the bagging area to unlimited data in Naples mode. So you can find the most traditional tutorial in town and translate extra pineapple, please. Anna, na simpio, per favore. Get all the data you need abroad with no dodgy Wi-Fi, no roaming charges and no nasty bills with an unlimited e-sum from AeroLo. Visit AeroLo.com to switch on holiday mode next time you travel. Check your device compatibility. Do we want matches for the trade? This is an iHeart podcast.