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Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on SiriusXM Triumph and connect with me 24-7 at DrLaura.com. Mike and Stephanie, welcome to the program. Hello. Hello. Hello, Mike. Hello, Stephanie. How old are you both? I'm 46. I'm 44. And how long have you been married? 23 years. And any kids? If so, how many, how old? Five kids. Oldest just turned 22. Next oldest is 20. And then we have an 18-year-old, 17-year-old, and an 11-year-old. Wow. Congratulations. Any of them a drug addict? No. Even better. Okay. I'm not getting that call. All ugly kids, but all good kids. They're not. Well, ugly means good. That's what it is around here. So how can I help? Okay. So we're hoping you can solve an issue that's been a part of us since day one. Just quick 30,000-foot background. Where high school sweetheart started dating when she was 15, I was 17. Dated six years, got married, started having kids and all that. And we have an issue that constantly has caused rifts. And over the years, we've found ways to kind of work through it, but it's just never been resolved. So I'm a musician, my family. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Yes. Most things in life are not resolved. People find ways to deal with it. So I don't want you to have the expectation that somehow there's going to be a resolution where there's going to be a big decision made that one of you gets what you want and the other doesn't, and the one who doesn't is still going to be happy about it. That is so rare. I don't even try to count it. Basically, I'm here to help you guys deal with things in a fair and loving way with each other, even though you're disappointed at certain aspects. So I just want everybody clear on the expectation. So you're a musician and is that your full-time work to earn money to support the family? No. No. It's just a fun hobby thing that I do that my family has a band that goes back three generations. Started with my grandfather and his brothers and passed down to my father and their sons, and then I'm three generations. So almost 75 years, my family is. So it's all I've ever known since the day I was born. So what about your kids? Any one of them picked up a violin yet? Actually, my oldest son, yes, he plays in the band with us as well, and it's probably some of the most quality time I get to spend with him now that he's an adult and in college. And how often does your band get to perform? Great question. Years ago when I was, when I was younger and I was growing up, it was all the time. It could be every weekend, during the busy season. I mean, we could play 30 plus times a year or something like that, or even more. It'd be 40, 50, whatever. And where the issue comes in is when I was younger, and when I was younger and it was all a part, I just made a lot of bad decisions with it, a lot of selfish decisions with it. And I admit that a lot. What do you mean selfish decisions with it? Tell what do you mean? Well, I'll just give you the worst one that I'll admit, it was pretty horrible. When I my ironically, my son, the one that plays in the band now, when we brought him home from the hospital, we had a wedding to play for that following Saturday. And we came home from the hospital with him. And I went and played that wedding, which was pretty selfish and and egregious. Oh, and you played the wedding that day. Oh, yeah, I dropped me off and you left. Yeah, it was that day. And that's pretty stupid. I'll admit that was pretty stupid. And then I spent probably a decade of our marriage defending those actions, you know, and I admit that was pretty selfish and dumb. And it just continued to pour gasoline on the on on the situation. Well, where are we now, though? It's many, it's almost a quarter of a century later. So where are we now with this? So now I've learned from all that. And I work really hard to limit the band to where it's not all the time. And I, you know, I have structured it in a way where if if we happen to have a gig, but something comes up, for example, one of our kids has an event or something, I always have an eject button for the most part, where I can find somebody to fill in for me. And I just won't go and I'll go to Oh, okay. Well, then then what's the let me hear from Stephanie. So Stephanie, what's the problem now? I mean, it's better than it's ever been. What's the problem now? It is, it is. And you know, I kind of felt like when the kids were little, I did not have much of a voice. It was my mother-in-law that did the scheduling. So I was just kind of told this is what's going to happen. And even when I was upset and I would cry and I would say, I'm overwhelmed, I need you home. It didn't matter because then I was breaking a bride's heart because she wasn't going to have her band. It was very manipulative in a lot of ways. Well, I'm older now and I'm kind of tired of it. And so I gave him, I should say I gave him, we've made a lot of compromises over the years and I can 100% say I've lived up to every compromise and he has not lived up to one, but that's beside the point. Like last year. That's not, that's not, whoa, wait, wait, that's never beside the point. But you know, you started out by saying ma'am, ma'am, you started out by saying you didn't have a voice. When you say it does things like it doesn't matter and it's fine, that's you giving away your voice again. That's true. You're right. But I'm sorry, my voice has never been heard. It hasn't mattered. And so the only way that I could deal with it is just to say, fine, go do it. But if you're going to do it, can you do this for me instead? Like, you know what I mean? Like make it right with myself. Like he's going to go do that. But he's going to do this for me. Please. I get it. So you said you made deals. You kept your end of the bargain by being okay about the gigs, but he didn't follow through. Would you please give him, I'm going to take a break. I want you to think about at least two things that you asked him to do and he didn't follow through for you. This seems like it's going to be the important part here. So I'm going to put you guys on hold. I have to take a break. I'm obligated. So I'll be right back. You got to think of you tempered down being upset about the gig and then he didn't follow through. Let's talk about that. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. Be right back. Back to Mike and Stephanie. Okay, Stephanie, you had a good amount of time to think about when you made deals with Mike, he didn't hold up his end of the bargain. Could you give him and me some examples, please? Sure. You know, I'll just start with the last one. So about six months ago, you know, we had this, we had the argument about it. And I said, I think we need to go to a marriage counselor. Like I think we need, you know, we're just going in circles. We need an impartial third party. I said, he travels a lot for work. So I don't always know his schedule. So I said, can you set it up? And he said, yes, I will set it up. The two weeks later, you know, he had a same fight and I said, did you set it up? And he said, I won't go to anybody until we talk to Dr. Laura. I said, great, fine. Do what you've got to do. We'll talk to Dr. Laura. A month goes by and I asked, I said, did you write the letter? Did you do it? And he said, no, because I'm scared that you're not going to be able to handle what she says about you. I said, okay, let's not go to Dr. Laura. I said, then let's, I said, then let's not go to Dr. Laura. Let's, let's go to, let's go to somebody else. Let's go to, and I mean, and still to this day, once a month, we have an argument about, have you, have you set this up? Have you done this? I mean, he's still playing in the band. So Mike, you want to, Mike, do you want to explain? Okay. Okay. Mike? Did you really say to Stephanie, she might not like what I have to say to her? So I don't know if those are my exact words, but Dr. Laura, I think this is so much deeper than the band situation because I gave up the band for an entire year and we fought about this even more during those times. I, and, and where we get into fights is about it is she has it in her mind that there's going to be this magical, magical moment that I'm going to be able to fix everything I did in the past. I have whole, whole heartedly admit, yes, I was really bad about a lot of stuff for, for years. I admit it. Okay. And, okay. So you, you thought I was going to tear into her because you see the problem is largely her. Not that she's the problem. I think it goes, I think it goes deeper. Well, tell me, tell me in one sentence, what's the deeper? If you're aware it's deeper, tell me where that deeper is. What is it? She has a lot of abandonment. She struggles with the feeling of abandonment because her mom and dad got together in a one night stand and she didn't know her dad for, until she was a toddler. And, and she even admitted to me several, several different times that, that she saw the potential in fixing some of that hurt with me and I didn't know. Because I thought he was a very stable person and that's what I wanted for me and for my future children. And so then when I made a lot of the mistakes, I, I admit it. Wait a minute. Let me, let me, whoa. Oh, you thought what was stable? What were the ingredients that you saw in him at early twenties as stability? He was in a band. What did you see as, no, I want you to calm down, Stephanie and just give me one sentence. Stability. What were the, what was the evidence for stability? He was kind. He could carry a job. He did not have a hundred other relationships. He did not. He wasn't chaotic. But he did. He loved Jesus. Play. But he did play with the band and took up a lot of time with that. Yeah. Does that give you a sense of lacking stability? Um, so when we dated. Just yes or no. Yes or no. At that time, no, because when I, I'm asking you today, today, stay with me. Come on. This is a radio program. I only have a certain amount of time. I can't spend two months getting the two of you to give me everything I need to hear. Okay. So you really need to just answer my questions. Both of you have to do that. I want to know if his playing the gigs a lot diminishes that sense of stability and safety. Yes. Okay. Then Stephanie, you made a mistake marrying him. Yeah. You had a notion that was totally wrong. He was nice to you. He was cute and he played in a band and when you're young, that is hot. And all of that and you had the family stuff and you believed that this was the solution. I hate to say it, but Mike has that part right. And it never will be. You're right. Not because he's a shit, which you fight with him about because you think he's a shit. I mean, he has been sort of self centered and he was brought up to be that way. And what can I tell you? You were brought up without stability. He was brought up to be a self centered shit. His mother contributed to it. We both, we all know it. All right. So both of you have limitations. He was brought up to consider himself. You were not brought up and you were desperate to have the family that would give you all the feelings. It never will. But I got news for you. About one good thing. And I'd like the fighting to stop. It's stupid that the two of you still fight is just stupid. It's useless. It's stupid. So I think you should just stop that. But Stephanie and Mike, it's almost a quarter of a century that you stayed with each other. Let's call that stability in spite of all the disappointments, the hurts, the frustrations, the angers. You didn't quit. You made five kids who were doing fine. They're all ugly, which means they're all good. So I think we have to look at stability in an entirely different way than a 15 year old looks at stability. You have it. So stop fighting it. And yeah, Mike self centered. Yes. You are Mike. Yeah. I and I know. Don't go on. Just say yes, I am. I'm self centered. Just say it. Yes. Okay. Thank you. Yes. And we're not talking about history today. You are self centered. Yes. So we have two things. Stephanie needs to look at you and realize that the continuity and family is the stability she's been looking for. Sure, he has it. She's got to stop looking forward. It's here. It's not clean and easy, but it's here. You have five great kids. Trust me, I spend a lot of time on air hearing about crappy kids. Okay. So five good kids with the two of you being nutcases fighting all the time about this shit. That is so amazing that your kids aren't all in stupors. Okay. Now, I would say Mike. Yeah, Mike, stop being so self centered. Spread it out a little bit. You said you'd feel really close to your son when you play with him in the band. I need you to find some things so that you have that same really close with Stephanie. Spend that time to create that same bonded feeling. Frankly, you need it. She needs it. You told me you needed it. When I got that you got it with your son with a joint activity. The same joint activity and attention and time and focus lack of criticism warmth is going to get it back with Stephanie. It's in your power. Can I ask you a question about that because no, no, no, no, I need you to think and not do what most people do at this point in the conversation. We do all of that. No, you don't. You do a lot of fighting instead. So use what you've learned. Make this better. Stephanie's got to understand she has the only stability she could imagine ever having with this guy. 23 years, loyalty, five kids, roof over her head. This is the stability that she volunteered for at a very young age before she knew anything. So she made a mistake if she wanted something more pure. This is bumpy and lumpy. However, here we are and we do have elements of stability. And Mike, more bonding with her. No more fighting your woman. Don't yell at her. Hug her. She's upset. She feels lonely because you're not there. Hug her. Go out for a muffin and some tea. Just be sweeter. So you be sweeter. My number and don't you dare fight with your woman anymore. Any man who keeps doing that, I consider that like abusive behavior. You're a big grown man fighting your hurting woman. What kind of crap is that? Kind of a grown man does that. Feels that insecure that he has to fight with a woman. Come on. My number, 1-800-375-2872.
