For years that got inside we focused on the huge changes that parents go through when they're learning to work with toddlers and young kids But as anyone with an infant can tell you the ground shifts hard Before all that in the third trimester in the weeks with the newborn in the stretches when everything feels Bigger and closer to the surface than you expected and it all feels like it's gonna be like that forever And nobody prepared you for what's happening inside your body And inside your head At good inside we started building something for that the first piece is a new podcast called Brattled a show for when new parenthood shakes you every episode starts with a thought that Doesn't quite make it into the group chat thoughts like Why don't I love this I miss my old life? Why is this so boring? Why didn't anyone warn me about the fine print and even? What if I hurt my baby? We name the thought We sit with the guest who lived it and we work it out together And there is even more for new parents coming from good inside later this spring And I'll tell you about it on the other end of today's episode Today I want to play you two excerpts one from each of our first two rattled guests first up Caro chambers you may know her from her cookbook and her sub-stack what to cook when you don't feel like cooking She's a mama for and in this clip. She tells me about a 6 30 a.m. Morning in Carmel, California When she woke up and realized Nobody told me this would happen Tell me a little bit about who Caro chambers was before your first baby. Oh, okay. I Did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted That's who I was I mean Shaskas about pre-child life. Okay, and At that point in your life pre-motherhood Paint me a picture like all the details It doesn't even have to be the most representative of a moment before having kids We're like I felt really productive today. I feel really worthy like I got something done. Oh great. Okay, so a Worthy day pre-kids was like I had a morning routine that I would actually stick to Like I used to set an alarm, you know wake up have cup of coffee exercise get home if I like was Exercise bathed hair ready to go for the day by 9 a.m. I was like I'm crushing like this is Today will be the best day ever and just to stick on that How many reps do you think your body had? Oh? Of doing that and associating that with worth and productivity before you had a child. That's such a great. Yeah, I mean How old was I when I had my first kid 29? I would say I started doing that like as a young professional living in New York City Yeah at 21 it was like wake up exercise get showered go to work and yeah, so nine years of yeah So I'm gonna make up nine times 300. Let's say you did 300 days nine times three is 20s This is like 2700 reps. Yeah of doing it It probably going according to plan because there weren't that many variables and then your body learning that was Productivity and worth I have a feeling we're gonna circle back to that okay um Okay Anything that you assumed? Would just come naturally when you became a mom all of it. I am Not like a big like I'm not like a planner Extremely opposite of type A. I just kind of roll with things as they come and I remember this baby being here And like I felt like a broken shell of a human You know like my bladder was all messed up and my boobs were crazy and everything was So messed up in my own body that I remember just living in this baby and being like they're gonna let us take it home Like what I don't know how to do it Like I don't know what to do with this thing or what it wants when it cries And I felt extremely overwhelmed by that at the beginning like there is so much that happens in your own body And that I had no idea about like I was like oh you have the baby and it hurts when you have the baby Like I was like oh yeah, you know you scream you get the baby out and then it's over. No like you've only you know sometimes that is only just the beginning and That I had no idea about so I don't I think I felt so selfish In those first weeks because I thought about myself like all the time like I thought about oh my gosh Why are my boobs so engorged why am I why is this happening? Why is that happening? Am I ever gonna pee normally again? Like why do I keep peeing myself every time I laugh like is any of this normal normal normal? And I had no idea that any of that was coming So I think I pictured this cozy little bubble with a baby and really I ended up thinking about myself a lot Yeah, the baby was the subject. Yes, like no one told you to think about you. Yeah, that's exactly it I imagined thinking about the baby all the time having these like cozy cuddly moments with my husband and the baby and Yeah, I really felt like I thought about myself a lot more than I thought I thought yeah I want to know if you can take a moment to think about a night a morning whatever it was that that's still now For that first child that you can still remember. Okay So I'm a sleeper. Well, I was I used to be a sleeper I Really slept in this morning and I was like I used to do this like I used to actually do this All the weekends I would like really sleep in and I remember very specifically, you know, once the Newborn starts to like kind of figure out when they want to wake up for the day, you know Like they go from just sleeping every two hours to like having this moment where they actually like open their eyes And they're awake for the day. Yeah, it's usually around like I don't I think two weeks Uh-huh. I remember like at 6 30 this baby was like awake and needed like to be taken care of and attention And I was like, oh, I've completely changed my life I think I have completely like I did not think about the fact that I now like I Don't just get to sleep if I want to sleep And I don't just get to go to the gym if I want to go to the gym or you know Whatever it is like I have this thing to take care of all the time and I remember so specifically It was like when the baby like woke up for the first time where where were you in? I was in Carmella, California, and I was in bed and I Like so specifically remember like at first you can always kind of nurse the baby back to sleep You know or bottle the baby back to sleep and then like all of a sudden, you know I'd feed him and he was still awake and I was like, oh no Oh, this is like a different this is a whole different beast. Yeah. What am I supposed to do with you? Yeah, I have to like entertain you And so you're in bed. Mm-hmm. It's dark outside. Oh, yeah, it's dark outside. It's winter It's winter, but okay at 6 30 in the morning 6 30 in the morning and you're not someone who's like the 6 30 rise Shiner no no and so even for the first two weeks Maybe there was a call out from your baby, but you're like half awake half asleep. Yes, nursing that And then you kind of go back it's like kind of did that happen or not? It's like a little yes, exactly exactly But this was different. Mm-hmm. This was different This was like that moment when all of a sudden the baby stops being like this squawky newborn and starts being a baby And like all of a sudden they are like awake rise and shine for the day. Yeah. Oh, I wasn't prepared for that Yeah, I'm we're here together now. And so if I I don't even know if this is the right word had a camera I like seeing recording inside your brain that first morning at 6 30 when this happened when you're like this is not going according to plan Yeah, what what am I hearing? What's the thought? Oh? Well, I definitely remember having some very like big thoughts like I remember thinking Like I've completely changed my entire life and like no one really warned me that that was happening like I Definitely remember thinking like was I you know Was I actually ready to do this like was I ready to change? 100% change my life have somebody else depending on me all the time But yeah, I definitely remember just thinking like whoa my my full life has changed and was I ready for this and and no one told me Yeah, like I feel like I signed a contract without yes, like there was some fine print in there Yeah, like they stuck it in what's this? Yeah, exactly And and and just the language you just use really strikes me so I think about like I picture I remember is probably like three weeks in and I remember my sister-in-law coming into my room I was like, you know feeding my baby and she was just like very innocently like How's it going? It's like 4 p.m. Yeah, and it was you know, it was the fall so you know is that 4 p.m. Like dread You know and she didn't she was younger than me didn't have kids and a little she's like oh, okay I think then anticipate this conversation But I picture my moment which on the surface is different than your moment, but there's one moment Where the stories you tell yourself are so big? Yeah Am I cut out to do this? Yeah, good parents feel this way like and I feel like that moments truth felt like the forever truth Like I was gonna feel this way. Oh For ever that feeling in brand new motherhood is so terrifying and suffocating It's so like I'm gonna feel this way forever. Yes, it also it keeps going right into toddlerhood like oh, he's gonna act like a little Dementor at dinner every single night like those feel eggs continue But there's none as raw as in brand new motherhood when you're like oh, I'm gonna feel like I'm not cut out for this or whatever it is Yeah, or he's gonna scream at 4 p.m. Every single night for 30 minutes forever. Yeah, it feels so intense It is suffocating whenever I say that to new parent around like the forever truth They're like I know that's yes, and that's why it feels so awful. Yes, right? Yes If something felt awful, but then your next thought was But I won't feel like this forever like you're like oh, I'm immediately yes able to deal with it And the newborns go through so many stages, right? I remember being so addicted to the to the wonder weeks app with my first because it like kind of tells you Your babies just learning to open their eyes so they're seeing the world So it's like overwhelming for them whatever like tells you these things, you know since that first baby I backed off of that and just been like this is a moment This is a phase it might be an hour it might be two weeks But like this fussiness is going to pass this like inability to fall asleep without me being attached to them is gonna pass I had such bad postpartum anxiety like I got up and checked on his breathing 20 times a night I had like all the monitors the outlet on his foot the you know camera looking down at him Like I had all the monitors and I realized now that that Was perpetuating the problem so much for me because I felt like if I wasn't looking at the monitors Then something bad would happen and the solution kind of becomes the problem. Yes. Yeah Yes, because I'd be like out at lunch having really nice time with a friend the baby would be perfectly happy And I'd be like I gotta get home, you know in 15 minutes He's gonna be over tired and then he'll never fall asleep and I like wrote that on the up all night I'm gonna get up all night, and then I'll never sleep and then I'll turn into a monster tomorrow and da da da da And you really psych yourself out You tell yourself these stories, right? Right of like if that if this happens that'll happen. Yeah, it's usually not true Yeah, but we're in hyper vigilance mode, right? Everything could be a problem. So everything needs a proactive. So yes, God, that's exactly happy here with my friend but this could mean that and I got into Like optimizing moments where my baby would be on a plane that oh perfectly happy. Oh I Feel like now when I see them up like when the baby is happy Sit down drink your coffee. Yeah, call your friend like no, I wish I didn't there's so many moments I have to go to your baby if it ain't broke. Don't fix it Nobody tells you how much of the early weeks is just trying to figure out what actually happened to you The next interview sits in a similar place, but with very different texture It's with Leah smart a writer an executive coach and a first-time mom who came on rattled to talk about something a lot of new Parents quietly carry and almost never say out loud intrusive thoughts jarring terrifying thoughts like What if I hurt my kid I? Know that's a hard sentence to hear and It's a real experience for so many new parents in this clip Leah walks me through what actually happened inside her body and brain when those thoughts landed and then we talk about What's actually at the root of it? Listen for the moment where Leah names that directly and then we reframe the whole thing together This back and forth is what rattled is built for Here's Leah I Want actually kind of zone in to a day to a hour to a moment Where I don't know you just still remember something feels like it shifted it rattled you Tell me about a moment when I was about five months. I started having panic attacks going into the subway and I lived in New York For a long time. So this was a new thing for me And so I was diagnosed with perinatal anxiety. I saw a maternal psychiatrist Which was you know, it's funny. I've dealt with anxiety a lot of my life, but this felt different Because I was pregnant Because I didn't know how it impacted baby because it felt a little more shameful Because no one had ever told me I only knew about postpartum depression. Honestly, it was all I'd ever really heard about so I was dealing with that and with that for me came something called intrusive thoughts, which is Your own fears of the things basically that matter most Triggering your brain over and over again and getting you into this like really Hinesidymote and these are you know, these are tough moments. So I also just want to be thoughtful of people who've Experienced them and maybe you're just hearing right now What they are but I found so many women after I'd had my baby in my mom's group I'm on the committee for a mom's group here in the city were like I had these thoughts What if I threw my baby out the window? What if I saw a knife and then I hurt the baby? What if I hurt myself? Well, I mean, you know, the what ifs can spin out of control and what you learn is number one You're triggered by what matters if I have an intrusive thought that's like what if I go into a church and Scream something blasphemous, but I'm not religious and I never go to church It'll pass through my mind if I have an intrusive thought that's about this tiny little being But I just gave birth to with my husband who I love and I'm making up that I'm the only person in the world Who's ever had these thoughts? Yeah, it will push you into a different zone And it can just create more anxiety and create distance between you and the baby So first of all, thank you for sharing Even all that you've shared so far and I know you know this but just naming these thoughts like what if I throw my baby out the window? You're not the only one people listening have had that thought and yeah It really is the story we tell ourselves about our thoughts That determines kind of how we feel after right but before we get to all the ways That you learn to tell yourself an understandable grounding story Were there? Hours minutes seconds that you at that time that you couldn't find that story. Oh my god. Yeah, I mean I had intrusive thoughts before I was pregnant before so it got worse right because something Even more important is being put into the story that didn't exist when I was you know single or when I just met my husband But yeah, oh my god. I had I can remember Certain days when I just had space Yeah, and so, you know, I do my morning routine, but that was over by 11, right? So by 11, I'm like, all right, you know, what am I up to and Often again as I mentioned my husband was gone on the weekend So it was up to me to kind of figure out I wanted to do and some days I just wanted to be on my own But some days I was on my own and spinning in intrusive thoughts and going oh my god. Oh my gosh This is scary and I had to figure out alone before I even saw a therapist what it was what they were so What is that spot like just okay, what I'm just gonna start with one. What if I throw my baby? Yeah? Yeah Is it does my heart? I'm starting is it do I start thinking about it? Do I then start saying what kind of mom has those thoughts? Like if I'm inside your brain and body, what's going on? How could I think that what's wrong with me? The more that you spin it up and you keep going. Oh my god. I can't believe I just had that thought What does that mean about me? Am I okay? Am I normal? I'm not normal and it's that whole thing just keeps going and so The more that you spin that up the worse it gets it's like telling you not to think about a pink elephant, right? We're all thinking about it now You know so it's the the challenge is that I guess the difference with the pink elephant is if I had a preconceived notion That thinking about a pink elephant meant I was a bad awful person exactly then thinking about a pink elephant not only becomes consuming but it becomes It almost starts to inform how I think about my identity. Oh, there's that thought again I become so scared of the thought The last time I had the thought when I was putting the baby down for a nap And am I gonna have the thought today when right we become I don't know. Yes. Okay, so tell me gosh Yeah, it's the like obsession with the thing. Yes and the obsession is what creates the spiral and really The obsession is about the fear of something happening It's not wanting it to happen if you don't want it to happen And you combine that with the fear and the anxiety You're going to make it big because of how much it matters And that was the biggest turning point for me was the fears I have are actually about the opposite Wanting the opposite so, you know if I fear for my baby or I fear You know, like what if I hurt my dog, you know, whatever I love my dog. Yeah, I never hurt my dog You are not your thoughts. That's right. And you do not You don't even act on most of your thoughts. What is it? Like I don't know if the number is still 87,000 thoughts a day Most of them are you know repeated and most of them are negative and most of them are about you And so we have a lot of a lot of thoughts throughout the day But most we just kind of let pass through like clouds And when we really care about something is when that moment is the moment you get like trapped So I had to go find my own answers and then the days I would spiral or the times I would spiral I would use the things I'd found and go for a walk and listen to You know a book about intrusive thoughts just to remind myself Oh This isn't real So so there's a couple things I want to break down. I don't know why but I'm it's a helpful comparison to me I'm thinking about I happen to not be too scared of flying but I know a lot of people who are and I'm thinking about being on a plane And someone thinking hope the plane doesn't crash. I hope the plane doesn't crash, right? That thought doesn't make the plane More likely to crash and right and that is such a good example of clearly you're thinking about that obsessively because Because you don't you want to stay alive, right? Right? Yeah, right? And so If I bring that back here, I think maybe the difference is it feels So charged with this Maybe it's coming back to what we started with You must only have happy feelings about being a mom now about about life about everything exactly And so I just want to add it because I think it matters. I'm thinking about the person listening who Took a really long time to get right. Maybe a lot of losses. It did you know fertility struggles? Yeah, and then the baby's here And they have the thought I haven't thought of throwing my baby out the window and I'm thinking about I spent X amount of yes, what kind of person right and What I love about your framework is first of all With our thoughts and the things we say The truth is rarely in the words like when I say to my husband You never help with anything I don't like it's like anyone knows if he says well, I took the garbage out yesterday. I'd be like This is like not a discussion Walk it back Because what I want him to understand is I'm overwhelmed with that's it And so I just think and so when I think I'm gonna throw this baby out the window. You're saying That that's not the real thing. The real thing is I Love this baby and it's so precious and vulnerable and it's in my control And that's new I've never felt all those things at once and my body is kind of telling me Whoa, you care a lot. This is new. You're figuring this out, right? And and and how that got translated into words just like in an argument with my husband Yes gets a little tripped up. Yeah, right. They say like the topic is never the topic, right? So it's like what's underneath and you just said you're like, this is me saying I need help This isn't about you don't do anything. This is I need help and so I there is there is like a There it I mean everything comes back to you, right? It's like as we're talking about people who are Maybe frustrated with others because they have what they don't have it's like it's really all like a I'm throwing this thing onto you and then yeah, I'm getting it mirrored back Yeah, and it hurts and so I have to find a way to get it out without continuing to feel uncomfortable. Yeah I want to see a question about those moments those intrusive thoughts How was or was not your partner involved in those? Yeah, share them. Did he know how did that go? No I am I have a I have the the read that I'll tell you what this was like and then I have a really absurd story about it, but I am someone who the reason I can see her and talk to you about it today is because it's processed and as someone who Like cares a lot about self development And I do seek help and I do want to learn and I do want to understand I want to do all of that but I can't share until something has moved through my body And I can talk about it without going oh my god like even just now when I was starting to tell you I felt my heart race a little I was like, oh, I haven't talked about this in a while, right? And like it is processed and you know and I'm gonna have another baby soon And so I might be challenged again. Maybe not. I don't know but um, I am I and sometimes to my own like My own my own peril not I mean that feels aggressive, but is I I like to do things alone. I like to go to my therapist And work through something and then I can come back and I can talk about it work through the mess My mess is my belly. Yeah, and then I'm gonna share it with you Yeah, when I get to that next step I clean up my side of the street And I don't I don't really share what that looked like before until it's clean That's lea smart and this is rattled It's the show I wish I had when my first kid was a newborn and it's the show I most want out in the world now If you listen to these clips and felt something light up or just crack open I want you to do two things one Visit and subscribe to the rattled podcast feed and listen to the full episodes The link is in the show notes and two Send rattle to someone the friend who's pregnant The sister-in-law who just had a baby the co-worker in the third trimester who's been a little too quiet in the group chat And yes, please don't forget the dads and the dads to be And one more thing I promised you at the top We have a lot more coming for new and expecting parents that good inside leader this spring A home for the baby years inside the good inside app sleep support lactation expertise feeding guidance workshops tools stuff for your partnership and for you and a whole community talking about their challenges and wins honestly each and every day And it's all designed around one core belief The best way to take care of a baby Is to take care of the person holding the baby If you want to be the first to know when good inside baby fully launches I really want to be able to tell you and you can find that link in the show notes as well until next time Place your feet on the ground a hand on your heart And remind yourself Even as we struggle on the outside We remain good inside I believe in you you've got this and I'll see you soon
