Hey guys, welcome back to Preview Alliance podcast. This is Sarah. We're in 2026, which seems ridiculous to even say, but welcome Whitney. Hi. Can't believe it's 2026. It got here fast. We're here and the Hey Whitney questions are back. We've not done one of these in a hot minute and this is a fan favorite. It's my favorite. Whitney, is this your favorite to be put on the hot seat? Do you love this? I do. I actually really enjoy it. I work well under pressure, shocking as my type A personality. She loves it. All right, Whitney, we're going to throw you out. So start of the year. We've got some great questions. So here we go. Hey Whitney, how do I stop feeling guilty for wanting time away from my kids even when I know I need it? That's such a good question. And I relate to that. My kids are five and eight, almost nine, and I still feel that. Yeah. Yeah. And the reason that we feel guilty is we feel like we need to give our kids everything. And I think some of that is from social media. I think some of that is that influence from there, depending on what your childhood was like, if your mom was able to be a stay at home mom or even part-time work, they were able to be there and be very hands on. So we may have some very strong childhood memories, inner child connections to our moms really being there with us the majority of the time. Right? Yeah. So we have a little guilt if we can't pass that along to our kids. We feel like we're chipping them or robbing them of those experiences. But I will tell you, having that time away for yourself actually replenishes you. And yes, it's hard. I'm not going to deny that. It is very challenging to be away from our kids. But if it's one of those that, you know, you go to the gym to work out and your kid goes to the childcare at that gym for 30 minutes an hour and you feel guilty over that, remind yourself, one, you're pouring into your physical health to be with your child for longer. You're improving your physical health so that you're extending your life. You're improving your mental health so you can be more present mentally with your child and emotionally because exercise is great for emotional regulation. And you know what? Your kid gets socialization during that 30 minutes to an hour, whatever that time is. So they benefit from it too. Yeah. So there are benefits to us having these kind of little breakout times from our kids. You're not abandoning your child if you do this. I want to really drive that point home. You're not abandoning your child in any capacity. You're getting that refreshment and the rejuvenation that you need to continue to be the best mom you can be. Yeah. And so, you know, remind yourself to guilt is an emotion we reserve for if we've done something wrong. You've done nothing wrong by getting a break. I love that. Guilt and shame is what we reserve for if we've done something wrong. And this is not wrong. It's not wrong. Well, on the reason maybe she's feeling this way, this is a good question, follow this. Okay. Why does it feel like I'm the family project manager, even though I didn't apply for this job, Whitney? So hi, welcome to the default parents slash default household manager. We may not have thought we applied for this job, but unfortunately it comes with the territory more often than not to women. And so much of that is because especially when we're pregnant, it is on us to be mindful of what we eat, what we drink, lifting restrictions, counting fetal kicks, like it's on us to monitor our overall physical health because that is the baby's physical health. So it starts before babies even born. Yeah. And so once the baby gets here, more often than not, who's responsible for naps, bedtime routine, feedings, pediatrician appointments, all of that. Mom. And this is a different sub-likes for another day, but it's more often than not we get maternity leave and our husbands more often than not do not get paternity leave. Yeah. And so it does fall on us to do the research, to read the boards, to Google the things at 2 a.m. when we're up with the baby. All of that falls on us. And while I did not intentionally do this, I ended up kind of gatekeeping that information. Just because it was one of those, my husband was working outside of the home. I was the one that was in charge of that stuff. And it wasn't that important for me to share the naps schedule. Yeah. Didn't feel like it, especially in that newborn stage, because I was home with the babies. Yeah. So telling him the naps schedule really didn't actually benefit me because he wasn't there to do it. Yeah. Like I did gatekeep that information, but it wasn't in a malicious way. It's just because I didn't know that it was, I didn't think it was beneficial. Yeah. No. You know? Same. Yeah. So when we start in pregnancy and then in the newborn stage again, more often than not, we as the moms, we are the ones that are responsible for learning these things, going to the pediatrician, figuring out how much breast milk or formula do you need? When do we start solids? When do we start tummy time? Like, we're the ones trying to keep up with all of those things because it's a more than full-time job to care for a newborn baby. And honestly, from there, I feel like it's just snowballs. Yeah. You know, our kids, you know, until they get, I'm going to say kind of that pre-teenie stage, who do they come to with their questions? Mom. Mom. Who does school call first? Mom. Mom. Right. And so that's default. And it's very easy for us to get resentful of that. Because sometimes we just want to not be needed. Yeah. And I've said that to my husband. I was like, I would love to go an hour and not hear mom. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But just an hour. Not asking to not be a mom anymore. Just I would like an hour where someone doesn't need me imminently, kind of thing. I mean, I guess it's an honor badge to be the default booty wiper for Potties. It's hard. I mean, it's to this person. No, I think it is a realization you just don't know to, you know, and you're in the depths of it. And I think it's a shared thing with moms nationally, universally of, I don't know, you can see it restaurants, you can see it schools, you can see it on the group me apps, you can see it everywhere. Right. And you just kind of you're in it. But again, validating what you are experiencing, we're all feeling that and it is real and it is hard. And I always say outsource what you can if it's grocery delivery, if it's auto pay your bills, if it's Right. Utilizing church childcare, get you a drink of coffee, why they're in their little thing. If it's the gym, what you can do, do it when you can to take that moment. Well, and one thing, once my kids have gotten a little bit older, I'm going to say around like the five or six year mark where there's a little bit more logic. Yeah. If they come to me and they're like, I need a snack. And if I'm literally in the middle of something, you know, I'll say, yes, you can have that, but either you need to wait for me to get done with whatever I'm in the middle of, or you can go as dad. Dad is upstairs, dad is in the next room and my husband will even say, I can help you with that. So he'll come in and be that reinforcement, which is But he walked right past dad. I mean, he literally walked right past your father. So many times, or he'll literally be five feet from me in the living room. Our living room and kitchen are connected. Okay. We're, it's not like we have a mile of walk here. Okay. He'll say, I can help you. And then my youngest, my COVID baby, they're built different that that attachment, who it's a little too secure. And so she'll go, no, mommy get it. And I'm like, well, then you have to wait for me to finish filling the blank task. Yeah. You know, that's what I have to remind my kids of. I'm like, your dad is capable. If it is something he can help with 1000%, let him help you with that. And they're capable. I don't mind to. I'm like, you are capable. Go grab an apple. You know, the apple is capable of filling up your water. Like, you know, so ride it out. I don't know what they just moms, but ride it out and you're not alone. Okay. Hey, with how do I tell the difference between normal mom exhaustion, act or versus actual depression or burnout? That is a great question because they can mirror each other so much. You know, we've talked about this before where sometimes like your pregnancy symptoms can also mirror symptoms of like a thyroid problem or anxiety or depression, like so many things can be very similar, very parallel to each other. So what I would ask you when we look at depression, remember that's going to be your low. Okay. So it's going to be one of those. Maybe you're oversleeping and I'm talking like you didn't sleep seven hours one night and eight the next. Okay, that's going to average out. That's pretty. Yes. I'm talking you might sleep seven hours one night and then 12 the next, but we don't have a reason for that increased sleep. It's not like you were out late. You're not working night shift. You know, you didn't have to take your kid to the ER things like that. We don't have an external factor to explain a 12 hour sleep. Yeah, you're also not going to have motivation. And I'm not talking about I really don't want to go to the gym today. We're not talking about that kind of lack of motivation. I'm talking about you don't want to get out of bed to brush your teeth. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you're it is almost physically painful for you to do your basic self care hygiene tasks. Okay. That's what we're looking at with depression. Depression can be a lack of interest in things that you used to do. You may be like, I don't want to go to the gym anymore because I just, I feel blah about it. That would be a red flag. It would be a huge red flag. You feel very apathetic about everything. Yeah, like nothing you can't like there's nothing that like even like joyful about. Correct. Yeah, nothing really gets you very excited. But then you're also not sobbing at the same time. You're just kind of flat lining. Yeah, that would be depression. As far as fatigue, burnout, things that we would see across the board that every mom is going to experience. It's going to be one of those you're like, Oh my gosh, I got seven hours of sleepless night, but oh, I could use another one or two hours. That's pretty typical. Yeah, absolutely. That would track. It could be one of those you're like, I just I can't do this anymore. I just need a little breather. I just need to come up for air. I need someone to not need me for a little bit to tap into that other Hey, Whitney question where it's like, Oh, I just need an hour where someone doesn't need me. I would feel so much better if I could just take a hot shower and like, go get my nails done or just have a day to myself. That would be my reset. That's burnout. Yeah, burnout is where you feel like you need to come up for water. And you know, you need to and you kind of know what could help. But logistically, it's hard to get it done. Yeah, that is burnout. That is normal fatigue, normal mom tired. Because in the midst of all of that, you're probably getting your shower. And yes, having kids is chaotic. So unfortunately, we may not get that shower every day. But the desire to do it is there. You're able to get out of bed and go brush your teeth. It's not a struggle for you to be motivated to go do the thing. It might be hard to do logistically. There's a difference between logistics and the motivation. Got it. And I think too, if you're in the newborn stage and you are well past two weeks, and you are feeling this, this is not baby blues, it's always the whole form of say this is not baby blues at this point, if it's not getting better in your past two weeks, this is we're moving in more to the postpartum depression. So again, if that's you speak to your, if it's your OB and to find a therapist, postpartum support international is amazing place we always recommend. So that's just a little caveat there to our newborn mamas. It's hard to tell, but really the two weeks, and if it's getting better or worse, it's kind of your timeframe there. And you may have one good day out of the week, that one, that one good day doesn't erase the other hard days. So keep that in mind. You want to almost look at your average of good versus bad days or good versus hard days. Yeah. And there is no, and you're like, gosh, I don't even know what day I'm in. Well, you probably don't. But if you're tracking, it's really interesting from nutritionists, remember this, our nutritionists used to always say when I was a nurse, they would go, okay, well, let's write down what you did this day, write down what you ate, right? And they were trying to look for allergies or patterns of like GI abscess, whatever. And I'm thinking, that's such a valuable tool to do with our mental health, right? And it's to kind of look back and go, okay, well, look at this past week. Well, look all this we had to do or look what was on work, what was the kid's schedule? This is kind of in at the end of the day, like, how did you feel or how did you sleep, right? And like, you can kind of put, wave that in. I think that's super helpful too, to bring to your therapist or bring to your doctor to again, show this pattern of being like, okay, if nine out of 10 days, I have no joy or, you know, I've been running at this speed, it's just a good way to look out like you're stepping out and looking in at your life in an objective way. Correct. Okay. So, hey, Whitney, I feel guilty. So guilt is a big emotion here, no matter what I do. If I work, I'm missing out on my kids. If I stay at home, I'm not contributing money. So basically, I'm darned if I do, darned if I don't. Yep. So welcome to my life. I feel that. I really do feel that because especially in these young early years, we do want to be there for our kids. When 1000%, we want to be there for our kids and we should be there to the best of our abilities. The hard part is, and especially just without everything cost, it's hard to live on one income. Yeah. That's okay. You're not alone. We are all in that same boat. Even if you're not leading this luxurious lifestyle, it is still hard to make ends meet on one income. Recognize that if you do work outside of the home, part-time, full-time, whatever it is, that you are still contributing, your kids get to see what it's like to have a mom who has an identity outside of motherhood or in addition to motherhood that knows what it's like to have to have these struggles and you get to have those conversations with your kids. That being said, I'm so thankful that I work in a place where I can go on field trips with my kids because they're old enough to remember if mom goes on a field trip or not. They don't know that they went to daycare because, guess what, they don't remember the first few years of life. Yeah. They don't remember that I would basically have them in daycare for nine or 10 hours a day because of dropping them off, going to work, and coming back. They don't remember that side of things, but they do remember if I got to get to the pumpkin patch with them when they were in kindergarten. They get to remember going to the space center and all of these different things. If you are in the stage of that newborn up until about maybe three or four, depending on if your pre-K does field trips, recognize that yes, that pain and that grief is there and it is valid. It is so very valid. Your children won't remember that, but they'll remember if you got to go to field day. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to remember that more. Yeah. I can speak to the stay at home. When I stayed at home, especially with my oldest and before Previa, my youngest, you do if you've worked your whole life and your identity is what your job is. Then you feel guilty because you're like, I'm sometimes not enjoying this or you feel like, okay, I used to always have financial ways myself. Now I'm leaning on my partner. That's a weird feeling. You feel, again, it's like groundhog day sometimes. Then if your friends are working and you're staying at home, you're like, well, where's my people? It's a huge identity shift and it can feel really confusing. Again, working moms feel like they get changed. Stay at home moms feel like they get changed. The common thing is moms feel guilty or ashamed no matter what we do. We don't feel like we can get it right. Again, I think that's a lot of societal pressure. I think a lot of it is social media pressure, but recognize if you are showing up for your child, whether you stay at home, you work at home or you work outside of the home, whatever that situation is, you are showing up for your child in so many ways. It looks different because it is a different situation for so many people, but you're still showing up for your child. Again, that guilt and shame, we reserve those emissions for if we've done something wrong. You're not doing wrong by staying home or working. There's not a wrong with that. We are all doing the best we can and as moms, we need to build each other up. That's a little soapbox that I absolutely will get on. As moms, we need to build each other up, not tear each other down. We're all just trying to raise good humans. That's it. It's hard for us all. Yeah, it's hard for us all. Someone once said to me, no one struggles at 80%. Everybody struggles at 100%. You can't see that invisible struggle, but it's happening. Again, the comparison factor of social media doesn't help just because your friend does it one way doesn't mean you have to do it that way. Do what works for your family. You just have to be confident that here's another really good one. Hey Whitney, if I'm the one who supports everyone, but no one checks in on me. That is such a hard place to be because you literally feel like you are the backbone or the foundation for everybody and you just wanted to get reciprocated. Yeah. To this person, I'm going to share a little bit about myself, but I would encourage you to recognize, do they put that expectation on you of checking in on them? Is that external pressure put on you or are you putting that pressure in on yourself? Guilty as I can be on this one. I put that pressure on myself. It was unnecessary pressure. Yes, it absolutely was unnecessary pressure. I did put that pressure on myself, but then I also had to remind myself people can't hit an invisible target. To hear people talk about the moving target, I think my target was invisible because I never said out loud that I needed someone to check in on me. Yeah. Until I voiced that to my husband and to my friends, it wasn't going to happen. Yeah. Then once I voiced I needed that, then I was like, oh, well, there's the support that I was looking for. They just didn't know I needed it or maybe they didn't know I needed it in that way. Because think about love languages. Me and my friend could have two different love languages and they were trying to show it to me in their way because that's how they expressed love. Because that wasn't maybe my primary love language. I was like, what's happening? What do we do? Yeah. Yeah. Now, I think you have to almost assume the best of people of that. They do want to know if you're struggling. They do want to check in. But again, I think everybody has so much on their plate that it is, you know, and it is weird, but sometimes saying, hey, guys, I'm struggling here with this. I'm not well, check in on me, or I feel super isolated in this moment. Guys, things are really hard with my kid right now and just check in. I just had a love one. Whatever it is, just think the best of people. But again, it's that next step of being vulnerable to say that. But it is hard. I think we all struggle with that. I thought these questions, Whitney, were big, heavy hitters. They were. But they were such good, thoughtful questions. Softful questions that we can bring into this new year. Because I do think coming off holidays, we're in this new year, we are all kind of looking inward, or maybe we've experienced things of the holidays were still not over. That it's time to kind of like put it out there. So I guess our challenge, if we're talking about January 2026 challenges is if this resonates, if anything we've talked about resonates, dive a little deeper, reach out to a therapist, share with a friend, just realize it. If it bothers you, it matters. Like little to big, to be localized. Yeah, from journaling to taking those walks to talking to someone, to setting small achievable things like, you know, that makes you bring your joy back. But the whole point of previous for people to know they're not alone in how they're feeling. There is a community. This is a movement of trying to get to mother support mothers of lived experience and bringing attention to things that matter from mental health to friendships, to navigating life. Absolutely. And that's what we're here for, unifying moms. Absolutely. Well, Whitney, we're not going anywhere for this year. So listeners, we appreciate you share this episode with someone that might also help start a conversation, but we will be back next week. Returnal mental health is as important as physical health. The Previous Alliance podcast was created for and by moms dealing with post-prime depression and all its variables like anxiety, anger and even apathy. Hosted by CEO, founder Sarah Parkhurst and licensed clinical social worker Whitney Gay, each episode focused on specific issues relevant to pregnancy and postpartum. Join us and hear how other moms have overcome mental health challenges, as well as access tips and suggestions on dealing with your own challenges as moms. You can also browse our podcast library and listen to previous episodes at any time. Please know you're not alone on this journey. We're here to help.
