The Psychology of Shame (And How It Traps You)

Shame is not honorable. It is actually addictive. It is an addictive emotional state. And the idea that is put forth by creators like this and others is that if you feel shame, it means that you care. And that it reflects some sense of integrity and possibly makes you a better person. What the data says is actually the opposite. And when you look at the behaviors that precede shame, they are often the ones that are most stuck in repetitive patterns. Your brain is wired for deception. But here's the truth. Patterns can be broken. The code can be rewritten. Once you hear the truth, you can't go back. So the only question is, are you ready to listen? One of my best performing Instagram posts of all time was on the topic of shame. And honestly, I almost didn't post it because when I watched it back, I'm like, ugh, who cares? But apparently plot twist, a lot of people cared. I think it had over 30,000 shares. And it was like I said, something that I almost decided not to post. And some of the feedback on it was like, oh yeah, sure, I'm sure this really happened because it was me telling the story, which I don't often do on my Instagram. I do love to tell stories, but they're usually more blended into teaching so that the story itself becomes a teaching moment. And of course, this fits the bill for that. So I want to start with the story that I told on my Instagram. We're going to shift gears to, I'm not going to specifically call out this creator or teacher by name, but I'm sure as I'm unfolding some of it, you may have seen some of their work in the online space before. So it's not my style to specifically, I'm not like a call out person. I think that's just fundamentally wrong. But I do take specific issue with the content of some of what she says. So I'm going to specifically take issue with some of the content and convey what I think is a compelling hypothesis for why what she's saying is wrong and also can lead to further damage in our society. And give you some things to think about on your own. You guys know on this podcast, I'm not the kind of person that tells you what to think. I try to teach people how to think and wherever you land after that, that's on you. We don't all need to agree with each other. You certainly don't need to agree with me. I try to stick more to the mechanisms and how things work so that you can somewhat envision yourself inside of that system and try to be introspective and figure out how you would navigate your way through said mechanism or system. So today's whole topic is around shame, which apparently is a really big topic. So when I was a little kid, and I guess not really little, not like a young tot, this was more teenage years. And I still don't remember what it was that I actually did. And my dad is known for saying classic things over and over again. I'm not sure this is why we all know about dad jokes or like dads just kind of have their things that they say repetitively. So this was certainly not something that was out of character for him, but for whatever reason, this particular moment really got through to me. And I think it's likely because of the age that I was. So like I said, I don't remember what I did per se. And I wasn't the kind of kid that was in trouble very often. So you would think maybe I would have remembered this, but it feels like it tracks around the time that I got my driver's license. And it might have even, you know what it was? I know what it was. I think it was this one. So actually the day that I got my driver's license, I like to listen to loud music. Those of you that know me from the booty community, you know, you guys might like to listen to a lot of music in your car too. So I, my mom at the time when I got my driver's license lived in a pretty crowded neighborhood where all the houses were tightly together. And I'm pretty sure what had happened. And I had no idea. I had a lot of loud music on and I, when I was backing out of my mom's driveway, I definitely tapped a car on the street that was parked. And people, it was the kind of neighborhood where everyone's like looking out their windows or sitting on their porches. And obviously this appeared to be a hit and run incident, right? And of course this is like the day I got my license. I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware because I was probably listening to really loud drum and bass music, which covered up the fact that I had tapped a car and had no idea. So I came home later on in the day and my mom was like, Hey, just so you know, the neighbor came over and I was like, Oh, well, let's go check my car. There would be a mark or something, right? And there was no mark on my car, but there was a mark on their car. So I had obviously like really tapped it, but I had genuinely no idea. And the neighbors like kind of screaming at me. And at this point, my dad gets involved in my dad and I have a sit down conversation later on in the evening. And the story goes a little bit like this. He could tell that I was obviously feeling disgruntled about what had happened because the neighbor was calling me a liar. And I honestly was like, I had no idea I did this. And he's like, you're a liar. And I was like, honestly, the biggest mistake that I've made is I now have learned that as a brand new driver, I should probably not be listening to really loud music and be distracted because I'm not saying it didn't happen. I'm just saying I didn't notice that it had happened because my music was so loud. So I think just from like having this neighbor berate me for so long, which was not something I was used to, I really was just kind of taken aback. So now fast forward later on the night, I'm sitting with my dad and my dad essentially starts off like this. He was like, you feel bad for what you did. I can see that you've gone through this a few times in your mind, just so that you know, shame is the most useless emotion in the entire human spectrum. And I was like, oh, okay. And he said, shame often leads to self pity, where you feel more badly for yourself at the situation that you're in. And now this person's yelled at you. So now you're kind of like spiraling in the shame soup of self pity, where you're more upset about what has happened and feeling a sense of disgust, then taking the time to figure out how you made the mistake in the first place and going back and reviewing the tape so that you can learn not to do this again. So he basically at that point says, like, do you know what you did wrong? Can you explain it to me? Can you break it down piece by piece? Do you know what to do differently next time? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, great. Don't be ashamed. Just go do better next time. And guess what? I did, although I still drive with really loud music, but that's neither here nor there. Now I don't crash into cars because I'm 41. The point of this story is, I think the words shame and guilt often get conflated, meaning they are understood to be interchangeable and they are not in any way, shape, or form interchangeable. And this is something that I unpack quite a bit in my work with break method. And there is a particular influencer teacher that seems to be making the rounds right now. And kind of her whole shtick is that only honorable men feel shame. And she seems to talk a lot about men and one of my other bigger issues with this particular teacher is that she does a whole lot of damage conflating. Specific behaviors or characteristics to male or female rather than brain pattern, which I think is a huge miss. So many of the things that she says women do are not really true. Certain brain patterns do those things. And there is some overlap with gender, but it is not a byproduct of gender. So kind of the two primary issues that I take aim with today are number one, this idea that gender drives behavior because I'm going to tell you gender does not drive behavior. I have a very masculine presenting personality. I'm definitely a woman and it is my brain pattern and how I was parented that causes me to see the world the way I do, emote the way I do and engage the way I do. And technically would that in her world fall under male characteristics? Yes, but am I male? In case you're wondering, no, I am not. I am not a man. I was a tomboy, but I'm not a man woman. So that's kind of issue one is this gender being the source of emotion behavior and perception, which I think is categorically false. Then on this other side, this idea that shame is an honorable trait. For the last almost 15 years of doing this work and gathering the data, parsing through the data, aggregating the data, building the algorithm, I can tell you, shame is not honorable. It is actually addictive. It is an addictive emotional state. And the idea that is put forth by creators like this and others is that if you feel shame, it means that you care and that it reflects some sense of integrity and possibly even makes you a man. It's possibly even makes you a better person. What the data says is actually the opposite. And when you look at the behaviors that precede shame, they are often the ones that are most stuck in repetitive patterns. An example of this would be metacognition. If activated, which aligns with very specific brain pattern types and is a skill that ultimately if all humans could learn to develop, we would plot twist live in a very different society. I think that's one of the goals of my body of work is I think ultimately break method teaches those who otherwise have a blind spot around metacognition to be able to think about their thinking before they do harm. That's the goal. Some people naturally have metacognition and therefore are less likely to get themselves into a shame based situation because they know what they were doing and they weighed the risk assessment. There was a lot of intentionality behind what they did. That doesn't mean that there aren't certain circumstances that sneak attack them. An example would be there's one recurring theme in my life that I really, I feel fairly certain. I'm like right on the brink of solving it, but historically I'm so spread thin that I'm doing too many things in different areas that I end up distracted and not focused enough in a specific area where then that becomes an area where things spiral out of control. And eventually it bites me in the butt and obviously there's still work to do there for me because that's just one thing that I haven't cracked yet. And man, I'm working hard to crack it. I've got some ideas at the end on how I might have cracked this over the last few weeks, which I will share with you because I don't get keep. But the point here is for some people that experience strong metacognition, you're far less likely to ever arrive at shame because you knew what you were doing and why. And this becomes very important because what we're going to unpack today is that shame is experienced and it becomes addictive as a byproduct of what you experienced in those early childhood years. And how the interaction between your parents causes you to miss an opportunity to build metacognition. So in today's episode, I want to make sure that you get clear that you understand where shame comes from, how to draw the defining lines between shame and guilt, and why shame isn't something that actually happens to you. It's something that your behavior precedes. So people that are addicted to shame have to have a behavior set or a negative coping mechanism that allows them to constantly get themselves back to shame. So you can't have one without the other. So I mean, spoiler alert, can you be in fact an honorable person if that hypothesis that I just laid out for you is correct? I don't think that that is synonymous with honor. It doesn't mean that you can't be a good person. Good people may struggle with shame, but shame and the experience of shame does not inform that you are an honorable person. And that claim by this particular teacher is just so categorically false. And by the way, on multiple podcasts that she's been on, I have offered to debate her and every time she has said no. I hope she debates me one of these days. I'm going to get to her. So that's what we're focused on today is to kind of unpack what really is shame. What's the distinction between shame and guilt and what actually sets it in motion. So I mentioned that shame and guilt cannot be used interchangeably. Guilt is an introspective emotional state. So something where you're actively evaluating is there's something inside of me that needs to change so that I can generate a new outcome. So of course, while we also don't want people cycling down the toilet bowl of guilt, guilt ultimately is more productive than shame. Guilt at least causes you to think twice like, did I do something? Do I have something to feel bad for? So guilt actually therefore is, I think, a more honorable emotional state. Some people feel guilty reflexively for things that they have nothing to feel guilty about as a byproduct of parenting, but that's not per se what we're talking about here. So the key here is guilt causes you to look within and connect your internal world to a negative outcome that you see is bad or something that you most want to avoid. So example, going with what I was sharing with you about an area of my life where I keep getting stuck on repeat when eventually I land in the situation. I do feel guilt like, what is wrong with me that I haven't fixed this thing yet? Like, I can see that it's me. I get that it's me. At this point, like, I can't do this again. I have to solve the bigger problem that keeps spilling out into these other problems. So that's guilt, right? I don't feel any shame about that. I knew I said yes, I'm the one that actively did all those things. I feel guilt about the fact that I should know better and I haven't changed it yet. So guilt is that introspective position that ultimately can be beneficial if used correctly. So let's say in a singular example, you miss a deadline for something. Guilt says, I didn't follow through. I need to change something so this doesn't happen again, right? Example, in my going back to my personal example, like, I've overstacked my calendar. I've taken on too many things. So now I can't give in the ways that need to be given and I'm setting people up for a failure. Like, that's a singular example of how I have to look at myself and say, I did this. I set this in motion. It's my responsibility. Shame, by contrast, is very different. Shame is inferred from an externalized source. So it shows up when you start to think about how other people see you or if they're judging you or how you're being perceived. So in that same example of missing the deadline, shame sounds like they think I'm unreliable. They think I'm incompetent. So do you see the distinction one looks within and says, I am in error. Here's what I have to fix, regardless of what I'm getting from the outside world. And when somebody, by contrast, experiences shame, it becomes a projection field around them. They're more concerned about the idea that they could be getting judged or criticized and they're looking for a way in their mind subconsciously to shift blame externally, rather than to be introspective. And for most people, save, you know, a couple, but let's be honest, it's like all people, this actually started in childhood. And this starts through repetitive childhood inputs that were consistently interpreted through someone else's reaction to you. So their tone, their responses, their judgment. So I want you to think for a moment about a kid that is getting in trouble. They maybe forget to do something, they make a mistake, or it's something in their mind that they feel is small. And instead of the focus being on the behavior of what happened or why it happened or how they should correct it, the experience in their mind becomes more about the way the parent handled it. Maybe they screamed, maybe they slapped you, maybe the parent was overstimulated and said something unhinged. Look, I have my parents have said some unhinged things to me before and I've, I've reacted unhinged to SRI. SRI is in the room right now. So I'm going to call myself out on this one. SRI as you know has cerebral palsy. And when she was really little, obviously she was wobbly, I feel like as an understatement, but trying to get her to stand and walk took years. And as you can imagine, as a first time mom, we're already more helicopter oriented. Now I've got SRI potentially falling into like coffee tables and walls. And I'm naturally already more jumpy with that kind of stuff. So, love you SRI. Shout out RaiGai. One of the areas where I still, if I'm overstimulated, might actually like yell at a time that's so inappropriate would be if SRI, we're doing something in SRI like falls are almost chokes. Of course, in my mind, I want to go help her, but sometimes that doesn't translate. Well, sometimes that translates with me screaming the F word, probably making it frankly worse. Or in one case, SRI, do you remember that one time when you were choking? Tiff, I feel like you might have almost been there too. You were almost choking or like something, I think you were sitting next to her, right? And you and I both like bumrushed her, knocked the chair over. It was a whole situation. Okay. So I'm glad to know that my nervous system is not the only one that reacts this way. Because Tiffany did the same thing that I did and we both like nearly knocked SRI out trying to save her. Okay. So, U, G, E, get. And then now you get anxiety too when you're choking. So now we're all anxious. Okay. The point is none of this makes any sense, but we do it on repeat anyways. So in a situation like this, it is never my intention to shame SRI for almost choking. But do you think I've accidentally done that way too many times? Yeah, for sure. So the point is here when we're looking at it from the perspective of parenting, we're not only now talking about intentional shaming, right? You should be ashamed of yourself. God saw what you did, right? Like weaponizing religion to make you feel shame. Now we also have on the table accidental shame. So believe me when I say none of us really get out of this. Okay. Okay. We all do this. Even parents who are really on their A game, there's still ways that you can accidentally shame your child at a moment when it doesn't make sense and it ultimately doesn't help them. And then it gets them locked into a cycle that's really counterproductive. As you know, if you've been following along with my podcast, I did not get into the peptide space for human optimization. I got into them because my body was completely broken down. I was having autoimmune flares, hormonal weight gain that was not responding to any of my strong willpower or time spent in the gym. The only thing that actually made a change was adding peptides to my daily routine. As you know, I am partnered with LEMD so that you don't have to guess where your products are coming from, whether they're black market from China. You can find all of my recommended stacks at LEMD forward slash busy gold and LEMD is ELLIEMD.com forward slash busy gold. And I go deeper into all of my protocols and offer support on my telegram group, which is also going to be linked in the show notes. Now back to the show. So now in this situation, let's give an example of a little kid like think of a toddler who you can see that they're about to knock their plate of food off the table. And you're watching, they're watching, they're like, I'm going to do it. And you're like, don't you do it? And they're like, I'm going to do it. And you're like, I'd you better not do it. And then you see them knock the whole bowl of spaghetti off the floor onto your white carpet. Just, you know, we got to make it dramatic. Do you think you might say or do something unhinged, even though they're, I don't know, a toddler? Yeah, you might, you might get really mad. Now, what about the second, third or fourth time they do it? Do you think you could be increasingly more agitated each time? Most parents would immediately react going forward into my white carpet. How am I going to get that stain out? Right. They're not even trying to help the child understand what is happening and why they're doing it. They're focused on the carpet and being agitated at the extra work on their plate. What if in same situation, right? One, one's creating a shame stimulus. What if the alternative would be, hey, I know it looks really fun to try to figure out what would happen if you knocked that bowl of spaghetti onto the floor. But, you know, that would make mommy's carpet really dirty and mommy doesn't want to clean that up. Do you want me to get out a piece of plastic and you can put your hands in the spaghetti? Right. If they're like seeking something tactile, couldn't you get them to think about it and redirect that into something else? Or do you want to do this experiment outside? Because kids are naturally curious and they want to figure out how things work. Instead of anticipating and pouncing and yelling and possibly shaming, see the kid doing it and learn how to ask better questions because then you're helping them think like, what do I really want right now? Do I just want to be messy? Am I seeking something tactile? Do I want to just figure out what happens when I drop things off of something that's high up? Right. So that's an example of how to pivot it. And today's episode is not about pivoting it. It's about what happens when it most certainly goes wrong. So when you correct something, now the child is able to sit there and think, why am I, what do I want? Why am I tempted to do this? Is this really something that I want to do? So if you learn how to jump in and kind of get into their mind and help them learn to question their motives, now you're teaching metacognition. If you're just shaming them for what they did wrong, now you've become the bad guy and now it's mommy's mean. It's like, okay, mommy's mean, but do you see that you flipped over the whole thing of spaghetti onto the floor? And the reality is the answer is no. The kid, the way you handled it is more upset about the way you handled them than being able to be introspective and see that they shouldn't have knocked over the bowl of spaghetti in the first place. And this problem persists into adulthood because all of these things that we learn, you either learn them when you're a little kid or you don't and life gets really messy. So if you're listening to this and you have kids, by the way, we teach this in break method, it's very, very important. And if you don't have kids, it behooves you to learn how to break these patterns inside of yourself now so that when eventually you do have kids, you don't spill this over. And for example, if you do say something unhinged and irrational, you go back and cracked it. Something happened with Serai and I last night late in the night after watching a rival and when I went to her room before I set her into her bed and got her all situated, I gave her a big hug and like 10 times I was like, hey, I overreacted because of this, you didn't do anything wrong. This isn't me problem, it's not a you problem. And some parents really need to learn how to do that. And every time she'd be like, it's okay, it's okay, I'm like, no, I need you to really hear me. This is, I did this, this is my fault, you didn't do anything wrong. You have to, it's me, it's my fault. So more parents have to get better at that because then it helps them look back and instead of blame shifting onto your being mad about what you did, you've actually allowed them to reconcile, readjust back to reality and learn how to actually collaboratively work on changing the behavior. So what we described was essentially a parent who handles something in a way that then lets the kid be more mad about the way they handled it than be able to face the reality with ownership of what they actually did. So shame is ultimately going to make a child organize this cycle around not only how they're perceived, but a reflexive either projection, deflection or blame shifting response right after that. Because then they're more focused on how they're being observed, judged or seen, and they will never be able to develop the very important skill of self inquiry and metacognition. Which as we know is the ability to both look inward and evaluate your own behavior, question your motives, but also think long term cause and effect about what you're about to do next. Instead, when you do experience repetitive shame stimuli and childhood, attention starts to lock onto the other person and how they respond. So then the question becomes, why was I treated this way? And that question does start to follow people into adulthood. And they don't learn to correct the problem. So the problem persists and unfortunately not only does the problem persist, it usually starts to feel more justified, rational part of that person's personality. And now it starts to become something that runs really automatically in the background. But you also simultaneously anticipate getting in trouble for it on the other end. But your brain is looking to get in trouble to be the victim of somebody else rather than to use that as an opportunity to be introspective and say, what do I need to change? Which ultimately guilt would do. Guilt would ask, what do I need to change? What did I do wrong? Shame asks, how am I being seen and judged by somebody else? And this is what drives this entire loop. When your brain is focused on how you're being seen instead of what needs to change, your behavior is organizing around other people's perception instead of metacognition. And this is what is so important for you to understand is this does start so early. Most of who we are is shaped between two and five. When a child is repeatedly shamed and they're not learning how to correct the behavior, understand what they missed or how they made the mistake, the opportunity to take ownership to understand the behavior and correct it, never develops. It just doesn't. Because the focus becomes avoiding the experience of being shamed. And you know what happens then? Well, the brain starts to hide, lie and develop sneakiness so that they don't get caught, but they're addicted to the whole cycle in the first place. So your brain starts now prioritize reducing exposure. So this can include withholding information, avoiding certain conversations, managing perception, wanting to do things behind closed doors, hiding mistakes, covering things up. And at the same time that this behavior is happening, I just want to go on to say here, this is a very subconscious addictive pattern. These people are often not intentionally trying to do these things. They're not mean-hearted dishonest people. And if you've ever dealt with somebody who's in addiction or has a history of addiction, you know this to be true. A lot of people with addiction, they're struggling in this cycle that they can't quite see their way. Out of and their self deception traps and blind spots that are very much guiding the repetition, but they're not always fundamentally bad people. They're not people that intend to cause harm. Does that still cause harm? Yeah. But is that coming from an intentional or malicious place? No, not always. And honestly, with most addicts, not often. Eventually it can get there, but that is not something that is synonymous with addiction. So over time, two patterns tend to develop. One, you get really good at hiding the behavior so that you can be evasive and not get caught or judged. Or two, you develop psychological mechanisms like projection, deflection and blame shifting. So instead of saying, I didn't follow through, it becomes they didn't explain it well enough or they're expecting too much of me. This is unfair. The attention that you received as a child was now trained to be pushed outward. And because of that, shame never actually materialized into introspective guilt. It turns into an avoidance of personal responsibility and accountability, which unfortunately lets the behavior stay intact. It actually builds a moat around the behavior so it never actually has to be changed, because it always becomes somebody else's fault. And the coping mechanism itself stays intact. And unfortunately, then we know the same pattern keeps running around it. And these behaviors produce outcomes. Lack of follow through, partial honesty, have truths, avoidance, sneakiness. And eventually those outcomes surface. And this is when the shame activates. And unfortunately for people who have this pattern of shame rather than the introspective guilt, it becomes a part of their identity. And then the brain seeks to stabilize again. Their justification, minimizing, and again shifting the focus outward, which puts you right back into the same loop. In this way, shame is not correcting behavior, it's actually just protecting the pattern as a whole. The pattern of behavior creates the shame, and then the shame reinforces the behavior. You see what's happening here. It's a really, really terrible situation, which is why ultimately I understand exactly why my dad told me it's a useless emotion. Is guilt a useless emotion? Absolutely not. I think guilt can be really productive. And I would argue perhaps this woman's whole body of work is accidentally saying shame when she means guilt, although one day maybe she'll accept my request for a debate and we'll find out. When someone doesn't learn how to internally regulate their emotional state, they learn how to co-regulate instead. They're not self-regulating, they're seeking external sources to co-regulate. So this can be a person, this can be a certain type of attention, it can be a substance, it can be watching porn. It's anything that helps them quickly shift their state. But they're shifting their state because of the interaction, not because they're able to self-regulate and shift their own state. And this is where shame becomes part of the pattern. And it becomes even more critically important because shame actually is the activating state, which creates discomfort, pressure, exposure, and then the brain starts to look for relief. So ultimately you experience shame and that experience causes you to reach for a coping mechanism or a behavior that leads you right back to shame. It becomes this own self-fulfilling prophecy. So it reaches for whatever has been learned to bring it back to a state of regulation. This could be numbing, distracting, stabilizing, seeking validation or reassurance, feeling pretty. Hey, some people even seek sexual attention here. You feel off, you feel exposed, you feel like something is wrong, and maybe watching porn immediately creates either that numbing or distraction, and temporarily you've convinced yourself that it regulates you. But all it's done is add an additional layer of shame. So now you're not just dealing with the original issue, you've compounded the situation because shame led you to the behavior that is now leading you to more shame. And the same thing happens with alcohol or drugs, anything that numbs or distracts. There's activation and then regulation. Then the consequence, then more shame. This is why it's so challenging to get out of addictive cycles. And this is the same with people. This is also similar to seeking reassurance or validation or sexual attention, needing someone to tell you that you're pretty becomes the way that you regulate. But the underlying behavior itself never changes. Now you just have created a self-fulfilling prophecy loop. And even worse, it feels in your mind like regulation. It feels like something that makes you feel safe when it's quite literally doing the exact opposite. Shame activates, you reach for something external. That behavior creates more consequences. Those consequences now make you feel more shame. And over time, this entire cycle becomes increasingly more addictive. So now you're not just addicted to the substance of co-regulation. You're also addicted to the shame cycle itself. The brain learns this is how I returned to baseline, and that baseline was created by being shamed by parents. So this perspective that shame is a sign of honor means that if you feel shame, you have integrity. What they are actively trying to describe is guilt. It's not shame. Like linguistically, syntax, psychology, there is no part of that that is accurately using the word shame. Because guilt turns inward and warrants yourself around behavior change. Like I need to do things differently. Shame turns outward and organizes behavior on perception. Think about if you've ever had someone in your life that has struggled with addiction, it's always because of what? Mommy issues, daddy issues, you did this to me, you're not enough, you're not enough of this to me. I need more money, I need this. It's always something external. So when shame is running, you're consistently in concealment, avoidance, repetition. And the presence of shame is not an indicator of someone being honorable. It's just indicating that there is a very addictive loop active, and instead of that person being introspective, they're looking to place a target on someone else's back or something else's back. Now let's take a beat and look at this through Biblical lens because it lines up very clearly with everything, if you're in my renew your mind program, that we talk about as a consequence of the fall in the book of Genesis. Before the fall, there is no shame. There's also no fear. There's no fear, there's no shame. We now experience as a byproduct of the fall and Eve eating the apple and not to make this particular episode specifically Christian, but many of the people that watch this podcast are in my renew your mind program, and I think that's a biblical approach to neuroscience and rewiring. So it's something we've been talking about a lot. When Eve eats the apple, one of the first things that happens as a consequence is her and Adam cover themselves and want to go hide in the bushes because now they realize that they are naked. They didn't know that before. They didn't have that framework and context. So the sequence matters because now behavior is organizing around hiding and protecting instead of correcting. And from that point forward, fear and shame become the biggest drivers of distortion and manipulation. So tell me again how shame is a sign of somebody being honorable. Even the Bible tells you that's not true. If you keep ending up in shame, the question should be, what am I doing that keeps bringing me back here? How is it that my brain keeps projecting, deflecting or blame shifting on other people? I am missing the key lesson. What do I have to change about myself? And ultimately looking at that from a biblical perspective, this is repentance. How do I fix this? What do I need to change about myself to change this outcome? Because the only way to break out of shame is ultimately to shift into guilt, to put it into a more psychological framework or repentance. You have to be able to look in the mirror and say, what am I doing here? Because this is me, myself and I. And every time I try to shift it on to somebody else, I am preventing myself from ever getting out. You are ensuring that you stay on the hamster wheel. And once you can learn to see the pattern clearly and you can see those self deception traps and those blind spots and you can see why it's so easy to blame it on somebody else that it's actually perpetuating the problem, then you can actually get out of it. So the question becomes, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to look in the mirror and see what you are doing and thinking and justifying that is setting you into this perpetual trap? Or are you going to keep blaming other people? One of my favorite things about break method is that people often report you can't unsee what you see in break. Because it does expose your blind spots, it exposes your patterns of self deception and it shows you how you fight to keep yourself stuck. You are both stuck in the cage and you are simultaneously holding the keys to the cage and you are not letting yourself out. The only way to get out quite literally is to look within and stop blaming other people for your problems. It's time to blame yourself. And to do it ultimately in a productive way, not in a way that allows for self pity. Self pity is not productive and to close this up, that's why I think the lesson that my dad taught me was so valuable. When you feel bad for yourself, you miss the opportunity to toughen up, learn the lesson, hold yourself to a higher standard. Holding yourself to a higher standard is honorable. Self pity is not honorable. So if you ever come across this woman's work, you'll know who she is. And one of these days I really wanted to beat her. So everyone just start bombarding her with, you should debate busy world on this topic. I would love to. And I'll be nice-ish, you know? I can be kind. I'll be firm but kind. I love debating. So if this episode resonated with you, please share it far and wide. Apparently shame is a really hot topic and I think far too often the way our society has people kind of offload the burden of shame is to just recklessly, wildly own your behavior babe where it's kind of like, don't feel shame, just be authentically you. And I think we're really missing the bone on this one here because sure, should you be authentically yourself and embodied in all those things? Heck yeah, 100%. But the way culture presents it is it's almost as though don't feel shame. Shame is because of all these bad people that made you feel shame. So you should just radically own these behaviors. You're actually missing that in between step of where am I responsible and where can I hold myself to a higher standard and do better? And where can I then integrate those pieces so that I can be authentically myself but not just conflate my wounds with my personality? Because I don't think that's what we're called to do. You are not your wounds. You are not the way the world patterns you. You are called to be something unique and powerful with authority that has an absolute rock solid purpose. And you're not going to get that by blaming other people for your life circumstances. You have to look in the mirror. I'll see you guys next week.