Does Your Anger Fuel Your Kid’s Behaviour?

If you react to that, he's going to keep doing it. If the kid said, I didn't get to go first, I'd say, well, neither did I anyway. And then I'd just go on about my business. I really struggle with her not listening to me. I implement the naughty step and I remove her from the situation and let her tantrum. I get angry, shout sometimes, and wonder what's best to do in these situations. I ignore tantrums, there's a very specific way of how I do it. And also right after a tantrum, I connect. If you're not going to connect right after a tantrum, you don't ignore a tantrum. I think it's just mean. Is it normal for behavior to get worse before it gets better when you're being consistent with leadership? Just hear me out here. So oftentimes it's, welcome to the Brat Busters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter. And I handle the marketing and planning here at Brat Busters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie pie. What are we talking about today? Today's topic is about parenting anger. Parenting anger. There's lots of that going around. Okay. It could be a lot of things. You mean anger at your kids and yeah, okay. Getting frustrated. And also how it impacts their behavior. Okay. Do I want to just throw something general out there? Yeah, I often say you never want to show anger, frustration or disappointment with your kids. It makes them feel worse. And when they feel bad, they do bad. When they feel good, they feel they do good, right? So that's why you never want to show anger at them. Even though you feel it, you hold it back and you just say, well, you know, you did something bad. So here's your consequence. Then you just treat it like a business transaction. Cause as I said, anger, if someone gets mad at you, it's sort of a natural visceral response to get mad back, to get defensive, right? And that's what, especially with kids cause they don't have a filter yet, right? They can't really reason things through yet. So if you do show anger, they tend to get more angry and worse behaved. Now I think that when you say that you don't show the anger, I think a lot of parents feel like this is teaching their kids to bottle up their feelings. Yeah, the thing is that when you're disciplining them, you want to bottle up your feelings for sure. Because, no, but it doesn't mean that you're not angry by the way. But, and if you ever say to them, you know, it made me really mad when you did that. There's no, there's no good outcome for that. Like what are you after here? What are you trying to prove to them? You can show that you do get angry like in traffic and that, but even that anger scares them, okay? You want to look as controlled as possible, especially when they're naughty or things are going, you know, something's going wrong. But yeah, there's no good outcome to that. To show them I'm mad at you. There's no good outcome. What's the point? I am plus, here's the thing is once you realize that, or you take full responsibility for their behavior, you shouldn't really get mad at them anyway. It's all you. So if you're a good leader, they don't act out anyway. So if you take full responsibility for who they are, how they're behaving, then why would you be mad at them? Wouldn't you be frustrated with yourself? Like when I was working with kids, if they acted out under my care, I was a volunteer mentor, and if they acted out under my care, I thought, what am I missing here? What am I doing wrong? As a leader, I always take responsibility for their behavior. So why are you mad at them if it's your fault? That's the way you want to, is it always your fault? No, but you want to treat it that way. So that's a really good reason not to show anger. Now you're not bottling up your feelings all the time. So just your anger toward them is what you're bottling up. But you can show you get angry in traffic, whatever. You can show you cry, you don't cry too hard. Remember, big, huge emotions, like negative emotions scare them. So it's okay to show when you're sad, if someone dies or whatever, you're sad, that's okay. You can be angry at traffic, but anger at them is what we do want to bottle up in front of them. Yes, for sure. Take it out on yourself, not your kids. I think that's such an interesting way to look at it as well because I can imagine in the moment, it sure doesn't feel like it. Well, and it's interesting because parents will often say, well, why does he do that? And I'll say, well, how did you build this? Let's figure it out. And they, what? And I say, sure enough, it's always the parents. Past the toddler age. Toddlers are crazy. They're gonna throw stuff out there that doesn't, they're just gonna try stuff because they're just brand new, right? But past the age of about three, their behavior is all on you. Of course, there's exceptions. There are exceptions, but that's not the way I look at it. I look at it like, okay, they did that. Why did they do that? What did I miss? What did I do wrong? I always look at it that way. And I think that as well, something that you've talked about before, which I think is an important frame with this, is it can feel a little bit like, oh gosh, Lisa is judging me right now. But the way that you're trying to approach it is from my understanding, is that you want parents to feel empowered that if they are doing something to cause it, they can also do something to help it. Well, that's leadership. That's being in charge. That's being responsible for your children. I want you to take the blame. I want you to take the, whatever the anger is, throw it on yourself and think, oh, I'm gonna fix this. What did I do? What am I missing here? That's the only, you can only change yourself anyway. And once you're a leader, kids don't act out with a leader. Why would they? It doesn't make any sense. So yeah, a leader makes them feel good. And when they feel good, they do good. If they feel bad, they do bad. I keep going back to that saying, but it's such a good one. Your anger towards them, does it make them feel good or bad? I can audition as well. It's kind of like, you might, a lot of parents might have this idealized version of what they'll be like as a parent. And they just like, maybe didn't envision feeling angry was going to be part of that. But then it's like you put on poor night sleep and like busy schedules. And maybe they are acting out, I can envision as a parent, that's not gonna make you feel rainbows and sunshine. Well, and you're trying to appease them often, which is a huge problem. Trying to make everything easy for them. Well, how do we make chores fun? In other words, how do you make everything fun? So they get a job and they decide they don't like it so they won't go to work anymore. Like that's what you're building as an adult, right? You don't wanna make everything easy for your children, but you wanna make your relationship nice. Like I used to say to my kids, if your good life is good, if your bad life ain't so good, I'll make sure of it cause that's my job, I'm your mom. In other words, there will be a consequence if you act out. They knew that from a really young age and then they were really easy cause they got that. They understood that if they did get a consequence, they took the, they understood it was their fault, not mine. They understood they were accountable. And so am I, as a leader, I'm accountable for my kids' behavior, right? I teach accountability here. So if you're not willing to be accountable for your kids' behavior, you are never gonna like me because I'm trying to teach you to take total control over your kids' behavior, okay? In that you wanna control yourself. Now they're gonna have different personality quirks for sure, but you want them to, you wanna take total control over their bad behavior in that you take it on as your responsibility, not theirs. As they get older and once you become a better leader, they'll totally take it on themselves. Then they become self-disciplining. This is just temporary, all this stuff, this discipline. It's temporary. Once you're a leader, you don't even have to do it anymore. They'll just say, oh, I messed up. How about I do this as a consequence? That's how it goes, okay? So, and there's no shame in doing something bad either. A lot of parents wanna discuss all the bad behavior cause they want their children to understand. They're not stupid. They already understand they did something naughty. Past the age of two to three, they get right from wrong, okay? So you just wanna keep talking about it. That makes them feel worse. I would rather say to a kid, yeah, that was bad. Here's your consequence. Finish, done, over. That's the pool story. If you haven't heard it so far, just Google Rap Buster's Pool Story. It'll explain all this. How I don't let anything go. I do deal with bad behavior, but then I always focus on the good kid. Remember, if they feel good, they do good. Okay, before we get into the questions, I do have a question for you, mom. Did you happen to feel mad at me right before this podcast? Oh my God, she was annoying the heck out of me. Okay, I have these earrings in. If you can see me on YouTube, you'll see it. I had to have an MRI the other day, and you have to take all your earrings out. These are really hard to take out, and even worse to put back in. So she was trying to put them in, and she was laughing. I wasn't, I was crying. It hurt like crazy. She kept laughing, and I thought you said, distant horrible daughter. Oh, we were cracking up actually. And she goes, hmm, this feels like payback for dance. Do you wanna explain that? And I mean, anyone who's done dance, you know the hairs are like slick back in a bun, and then curls, and then pigtails. I swear, it felt like, I felt like you were ripping out my hair every single time you did my dance hair. And I was so sensitive about it. Just suck it up, princess. You wanna dance? This is the price you pay. Yeah. Anyways. I wasn't quite that awful, but anyway, she was enjoying it because it was retribution. Fun times, you know, just 30 years later. But the earrings are in, so I'm happy. Okay, we have the first question here is Christine from England. I have a daughter who's almost two. I really struggle with her not listening to me. I implement the naughty step when she does something naughty, and I remove her from the situation and let her tantrum. However, in all honesty, I struggle with my own emotions. I get angry, shout sometimes, and wonder what's best to do in these situations. Do I put her in another room, perhaps, in her cot, or somewhere safe to go calm down myself? Or is there something else I can do to prevent the emotional outburst from myself? Now, this is interesting for me. I'm gonna address two things here, is how you discipline her, and then how you handle yourself. You're gonna like one, you're not gonna like the other. Okay, so how do you discipline her? This is the one you're gonna like, by the way. She's almost two. There's no naughty step. That's time out, can't stand it. I think it's horrible. So you just say to her, no, one word, just say no, and then you remove the fun from her or her from the front. Just for a minute or two, if she's tantruming, you do ignore her, and you make sure she doesn't get that toy back or whatever till she's finished, okay? But then you gotta go in for the connection as soon as she's finished having a tantrum. You say, oh, y'all done? Okay, here's your toy. You gotta be fast with that. Okay, that's how you discipline toddlers. There's a free little mini course on that in my behavior board, which is free on my website, wrapbusters.com, okay? Now, your emotional state. Every time a parent asks me, how do I handle my emotions? It reminds me of, I used to teach fitness, and I remember people used to say to me all the time, well, yeah, it's great once I'm here, but how do I get myself here? I can't control that. I can't control your emotions or your behavior or your actions. That is your challenge with all this. It's like dieting. You can go to the best diet center in the world, but how do you not eat a chocolate cake if you drive by a bakery and you want it? See, that is the challenge. That is the hard part with this. Your emotions are not something I have anything to do with. I can't help you with your emotions. Only you can do that, okay? So that's not something that anyone can help you with, other than maybe a therapist talking you off the cliff. I'm not a therapist, but if you're really going through something, they can talk to you, but it's still up to you. They don't fix your emotions, only you do. So yeah, it's like these people used to say to me, how do I get myself to the gym? And I remember one guy, we actually go along really well. He was really funny. So I said this to him. I said, so you can't get yourself to the 6 a.m. class. I used to teach aerobics. I said, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I usually get up at five so I can get already and get my music already and all that. I said, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna get myself up at 4 30. Give me your address, give me a spare key to your house. What I'll do is I'll drive there, let myself in. I'll go slap you across the face in bed, get you dressed and drive you there. How's that? He got it. Like in other words, there's nothing I can do. It's up to you. Your emotions are your challenge with all this. The thing is it does get easier as you get better at it. Your emotions may still be there, but do your best to control them and hide them. That is the challenge. That's the hard part. It's easy for me to tell you what to do, but you've still gotta do it. You've still gotta follow through with the fitness program. You've still gotta follow through with the diet. You've still gotta follow through with the parenting methods. That is your personal challenge. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's not something I can help you with. I get asked this every single day in coaching. Someone said, how do I handle my emotions? Say, I can't help you with that. And I think as well as you talk about how those small wins really help build momentum as well. Yes, they do. I remember another one back when I was working out, someone said, well, how do I get as fit as you are? And I said, well, I'm here every day. And they said, okay, fine, but I only wanna turn up once or twice a week. I did not answer that, but this is hard. It is consistency. It is full on. And the better you get at not messing up, like the longer you can go without messing up and yelling and all that, the quicker the results will start to come. Because let's say you're really good for two days, and then on the third day, you mess up and you scream and you just lose it, right? Which a lot of parents do, it's very common. And then you don't realize that those two days didn't really invest in much at all. You just have to start from square one again. Actually, you can set yourself back even more by doing that because then they think, okay, here we go again. You think you're doing this the right way, but I know you're gonna start screaming tomorrow or the next day. So you really have, that's why we only pick one battle per week. Because it's easier to just focus on one bad behavior per week, master that, master your emotions around that, then we move on to the second behavior. You don't wanna address everything in day one, it's ridiculous, I would, but I'm level 10 with this because I invented all this stuff. So yeah, you wanna master one behavior per week. You've talked about it as well, is that it almost compounds. What do you mean? It may feel like getting everything to start at the beginning, like if you're just starting your calm leadership, it may feel like you're barely moving the needle, but it's almost like it snowballs. You mean once you get better at it? It does, because your trajectory, I always use this physical, I'm showing you, but there's a slant that you're going upwards on. But then the longer you go on that, the quicker the slant, the quicker you improve. That's that Atomic Habits book, James Clear, talks about 1% better each day. Think of how that compounds over a year. If each day you're 1% better, I'm not very bright with math and stuff. And I said, that means by day 365, you're 365% better, but no, it's compounding. I'm gonna tell you a funny story. Years ago, when I bought my first place, it's how stupid I am with math. Just so that you realize I'm really stupid with most things, just kids come easy to me. Years and years ago, I went to buy my first place. I figured out the interest payments, but what I did was I accrued it over like the 35 years. I didn't accrue it every single year, you have to pay whatever it was, 5% interest on that every single year. I thought, well, this'll be a piece of cake. I ended up qualifying anyway. Boy, that first mortgage payment. Or no, the first year, oh, it was hilarious. I was so stupid, I didn't realize that. But yeah, I do understand compounding now, because I'm 65, I was like 25 back then. So I do understand compounding. It works just like this. The better you get at it, you go up faster and faster and faster. One day you'll be a leader and you'll go, wow, that wasn't so bad. It's like you forget it all. Yeah, yeah, maybe not, but still I've had tons of clients who say, oh, once you get it, you just get it. And they say, what was I doing? I was wasting all that time yelling. All I had to do was suppress all the anger. Just even though they had it inside, they had to pretend they weren't angry. And then they said, wow, it's so easy once you get it. It's like anything though, right? It's like any habit. Once you've formed it, once it's there, you've got it. Okay, let's go into the next question. We have now from the United States. How do I get my three and a half year old to stop bullying his brother, who's two? A three year old always wants a toy from his brother and grabs it from him. I put on the board, no hurting your brother, and take his toy when he does. But I know you have said it's usually, though a younger one, antagonizing the older one, which is true, but sometimes the older one just winds that the two year olds in his vicinity and the two year old looked at me, so I pushed him. Is it my three year old's confidence that we need to build up? I tell him his brother copies him because he's learning and the three year old's the hero. But then I think you don't discuss bad behavior and it's very hard to be a calm person. I just don't want to, I just want to scream and shout and let it all out. Okay, there's a few things to address here. You're trying to make the three and a half year old the hero. I always say you don't make the older siblings the leader, you make them the hero. Well, he loves you, he's too little for that. Okay, and they're too close an age for that. It's usually when there's a few years apart that you can do that. And also, so maybe the two year old is antagonizing the three and a half year old, but what I would say was I'd say, look, if you want something that you don't want to share that is just yours, you can go in your room or he can go somewhere else, so he doesn't have to share. Okay, and then you watch them like a hawk. You decide who really is starting this and who isn't. And I know what you're saying. You're saying often the two year old doesn't hegging as a three and a half year old, but that oftentimes a three and a half year old will say something like this. He's taking my air, I don't want to breathing my air. Just get annoyed that they're even anywhere near them. So that's when you say, I'll tell you what, no problem with that, just go in your room for 30 minutes or whatever, and then you don't even have to breathe the same air. Okay, I'll keep it separate. We'll close the door or whatever. It's not time out, it's just he can go and have his own private time to play. You're not punishing bad behavior. You're just saying, okay, well, here's how you manage that. You don't want to be around them. I've got other methods too, but that's just where we start with usually. Okay, the next question that we have here is Charm from the United States. I have two boys ages five and three, and I've been using your leadership techniques for a few weeks. I'm seeing improvements in routines like bedtimes, shoes and cubby, hitting initially improved, but then worsened, mostly with my five year old, and tantrums have escalated. I caught myself asking, what am I doing wrong and realized my face may have shown frustration or disappointment? I'm also on the behavior board. My rule includes yelling and not asking, why did you do that during bad behavior? During tantrums, I stay calm nearby, do not speak or give eye contact and briefly restrain only if they hit or throw. Is it normal for behavior to get worse before it gets better when you're being consistent with leadership? Do you play with them enough? I'm wondering, that's where my gut went right away. Are you connecting with them enough, or is it just that they're not getting enough? You might be okay, so just hear me out here. So oftentimes, they're not getting enough attention so they'll do anything to get bad attention even. They'll go for anything. That could be it, that's a simple answer. But now you said the tantrums are getting worse. Bedtimes getting better, the shoes and the cubbies getting better, and they're hitting, you said, was getting better, but then you said it was getting worse, I think. So they're going after each other. Don't do any one-on-one time with them. When siblings aren't getting along, you never have one-on-one time with them. It builds resentment, even though it's fair and reasonable. I've got 30 minutes with him, now 30 minutes with your brother. They still get resentful, they don't care. They don't care that it's fair. They just see you playing with the other sibling. So maybe I would play just in a group with them, like the three of you or the four of you of parent, whatever, two parents, and you only play with them together. What you're doing is you're teaching them how to get along with you. They're facilitating it, and you don't do anything competitive. It might just be drawing. It might just be playing with Play-Doh, and you make sure they have their own individual Play-Doh things, whatever, so they don't have to share that. So set it up for success and play with them together. Nothing competitive. So maybe give that a go. Maybe you're playing with them individually, or you're just so happy when they're not bothering you that you tend to leave them alone. A lot of parents make this mistake. They say, well, I want them to play independently, and they never do. But then the odd time they do, the parents are tippy-toeing around them so they don't disturb them. I never did that with my kids. If they were playing independently, unless we had company over, but if they were playing independently, I kept yelling out to them, hey, I see what you're doing there, good job. So I didn't just ignore them when they did play independently. I rewarded them with attention when they played independently. That sounds like a contradiction. But they weren't more demanding as a result. They actually would play longer on their own because I was every so often commenting, oh, good job there, look what you built, way to go. And then I pat them on the head as I'm going off to do laundry or something. So yeah, I didn't just leave them alone on their own. I was always sort of made sure they knew I was right there and watching them. Okay, the next one is Charlie from the United Kingdom. My question is about whether your tone is okay to change when a child does something that does scare you because it's dangerous. My daughter's four and she's not a child I worry about running off or behaving badly, but we were at a Christmas lights event. It was in a dome and the lights move around and so lots of kids get in the middle and dance around the lights. My daughter grabbed her cousin by the hand and walked him out of the circle into the crowd opposite. My brother-in-law and I went straight after them, but it was so busy, we lost them quickly and it was scary. We did find them pretty fast, but of course I wasn't feeling all that calm. I got them both by their hands and walked them back and I said, you do not ever walk away from us again in the crowd, you will hold my hand now. And I was cross and firm, but I don't think I yelled. My daughter cried from the reaction. So once we got back to our spot, I did explain that I was scared because it was dangerous. And then I let her enjoy the lights and we moved on. I know you didn't like the mini therapy sessions or showing anger, so how would you have handled this? I would have done exactly what you did because it's a safety issue. If I had ever lost sight of my kids, I would have screamed. I would just would have screamed their names and gone hysterical because I know how fast someone can grab a kid, right? Because I've worked with so many abused kids. But yeah, I would have done exactly what you did. It's okay, I always say don't show anger, but they didn't really do anything bad, but they did something scary and unsafe. That's different, okay? So I would just say that is dangerous. If someone could run off with you or something. It's a safety issue. I don't mind scaring kids into safety, okay? So yeah, I would do exactly what you did. I always say don't show anger, but this is different. They didn't do something bad, they did something dangerous. Okay, so yeah. Yeah, good call. Yeah, let them know you're scared. That was dangerous, don't do it again. Oh. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses if you wanna learn how to become a leader. Okay, the next one is Stassa from Serbia. My one year old daughter is very calm, but her two and a half year old cousin, who lives in the same house, different floor, often has loud tantrums. I don't fully agree with how her parents handle these situations, and I worry about the influences they may have on my child. During these tantrums, they often give in to her demands, try and reason with her or use bribing. When those approaches don't work, they sometimes end up yelling. How can I handle these situations respectfully when we are together, while still staying true to my own parenting values about being a calm, confident leader for my child? It's none of your business how other people parent. And when you're a good leader, the kids don't look at anyone else, they don't care. They can't be influenced by other people when you're a good leader. If you're not a good leader, they are influenced. They'll be very susceptible to bullying, peer pressure, the internet, the Kardashians, the drug dealer on the corner. They're gonna go looking for influences or leaders everywhere else. But when you're a calm leader, they don't look, they don't, it doesn't bother, yeah, it doesn't bother them. They just look to you. So, and it's none of your business how other people parent. Okay, thanks. And by the way, a lot of people blame other people's kids for how their kids are acting. What I mean by that, well, he's acting out because he saw his cousin act out. That's on you, you're not a leader. Because when you're a leader, they're not influenced by that cousin. So it's all you, it's not them. Don't blame other people for how your kids are turning out. The next one is Sarah from Ireland. The child is two years and nine months. I've been following Lisa's advice since my daughter was one and I find that I'm having good results with the techniques. I play with her as much as I can with lots of Lego and coloring and books. When she says no or misbehaves, I keep calm, follow through with the task and use consistent corrective actions. She is always asking for her daddy to do things like bath time, dressing her, et cetera. But if I've started the task, I make sure I'm the one to finish it and don't give into her demands for her, for her dad. My husband on the other hand thinks I'm too hard on her and makes excuses saying she's only two. He tends to try and talk with her, negotiate and use empty threats to get her to do things. He also thinks that showing her that he's annoyed by raising his voice is a way to get her to behave. I'm worried that that fork in the road is coming and she'll start thinking if I don't have to listen to dad, then why should I listen to mom? I know I'm not perfect at this yet and I have my moments where I catch myself explained to her why we have to do things, but for the most part what I'm doing is working. Should I lighten up a bit like my husband suggests or should I keep going even though he's not on board? Well, my gut reaction is you're right and he's wrong, but I would just maybe have him, if you're following me and you like what I'm saying, maybe just show him the pool story. Usually men get on board with my methods just from the pool story. You can just Google Brad Buster's pool story, okay? And it explains all that. Now he said she's only two. He'll be saying that when she's five and when she's 15. She's only 15. All she did was take the car keys and drive off with the car and run into a ditch. So yeah, you don't wanna have that attitude with kids. You wanna have the attitude that, yeah, it's our job to correct them and make them into the best they can be, right? So yeah, he's sort of washing his hands of it for some reason. I think he thinks that she's really little and she is, but she's still old enough to learn. So yeah, you're right, he's wrong. That's my gut reaction. If what you've said was true and you're following through with these methods, consistent corrective actions, you're staying calm and you said he's yelling and talking it through and all that stuff. I don't teach any of that. But I think as well, something just to highlight, if this is someone's first podcast, you, and this was mentioned in the beginning of the question, is just the importance of that connection and fun. If you're not connected with your kids, none of this works. And it's sort of along the same lines. I ignore tantrums, but there's a very specific way of how I do it. And also right after a tantrum, I connect. If you're not gonna connect right after a tantrum, you don't ignore a tantrum. I think it's just mean, okay? Kids will learn. They learn so fast with me, I can't believe it. I'll literally in one afternoon, I can teach a kid this, that if they tantrum, they get zero attention from me, none. And I'm just filing my nails. The second they stop, I go, oh, do you wanna go read a book? Cheerios, anything? They learn so fast that, wait a minute, I don't get anything out of this tantrum. But as soon as I stop, she's lovely. She's connecting with me. You see, they learn. They only lean into what works and they lean away from what doesn't. Okay? So the connection is everything. I'm really good at connecting with kids. I love playing with them. Play and fun is their love language. Teenagers, humor usually is their love language. Just chatting, being able to tell you their problems or just laughing or whatever. So yeah, connection is number one for sure. If you're not connected, none of this works. Don't even discipline your kids if you're not connected with them. It's mean. You gotta be very loving patient and make them feel good about themselves. Make them feel like you value them enough to enter their world and play with them. You don't have to do it 24 seven, but they know when you've entered their world. They know when you're fussing over them. They know when you treasure them. Okay? My granddaughter just had a birthday party. She's just two. Nothing but family, close family, all around, treasureing her. My God, you should have seen her face. You know how many times we had to sing happy birthday to her and she's a very calm, sweet, God, she's an easy kid. Just a lovely little thing. And she just said, happy, happy. Could she want us to sing it again? I think we sang happy birthday four times. She was living her best life. Surrounded by nothing but love and attention and being treasured. And she's just the easiest kid. She's such a little doll, but everyone that in her life is very connected with her. And I think that makes a huge difference. Okay, we have one final question. So Maddie from the United Kingdom. Six-year-old boy, three, nearly four-year-old girl and one and a half-year-old girl. Car journeys are really hard. My son sits in the middle with the three-year-old one side and the one and a half-year-old on the other. He's brilliant at entertaining the one and a half-year-old. So we sing and chat, but often he can get carried away and get too loud when the back, which then becomes a safety issue as it's very distracting. There can also be niggling and arguing between the six and three-year-old, touching each other's faces, which one has occasionally ended up in them hitting and then me yelling. Don't worry, I've had a consequence for that one. I'd like to put this on the behavior board, but not sure how to word it. Also, my six-year-old son always has to be the first for coming up the stairs, washing his hands in the sink. He sometimes pushes past people to get first. He's very emotional or upset if he isn't first, trying really hard not to show how annoying this is for me and keeping calm and relaxed voice. How can I tackle this? I'm just wondering why you don't put the one and a half-year-old in the middle. Is that a safety thing? You don't have a, like, I don't know why you'd put the older ones together, because they're the most likely to fight. Yeah, I don't know. So I won't get into the car, but the dynamics are that six-year-old's in charge. He's in the middle seat, let me think. So he's in charge of playing with the one and a half-year-old. What about the three-year-old? Does he not have any connection with the one and a half-year-old? I don't know, I would just be more inclined to put the little one in the middle, but anyway. So if the older one always wants to go first, just whenever he does get rude about it, I would just say, no, you know, don't hit, or like, what does he do when he doesn't go first? I didn't get the bad behavior is what I'm saying. Emotional and upset. Emotional and upset, oh, who cares? I'm like, big deal. If you react to that, he's gonna keep doing it. If a kid said, I didn't get to go first, I'd say, well, neither did I anyway. And then I'd just go on about my business. So yeah, if he just gets emotional upset, he's six years old, they only do what works. It means it must get attention. If a kid just got emotional because he doesn't always get his own way. And if you know that you're fair and reasonable and connected with him, then just because he's not getting his own way, why would you get that any attention? The emotional upsetness over not everything going your way all the time. I wouldn't give that any attention at all. He already knows, he knows it's ridiculous, but he's doing it because it bothers you. Okay, that was it for the questions. Okay, so parenting anger, that is on you by the way, but the sooner you learn not to show it, you can still be angry, but the sooner you learn not to show it, the sooner you will see results. It's just like dieting. The sooner you start eating healthier, the sooner you will see results. It's like fitness. The sooner you start being consistent with fitness, the sooner you will see results. It's all on you. I mean, I can tell you what to do, but it's up to you to do it. So stop showing your anger, disappointment or frustration at your kids. It just makes them feel bad. Remember when they feel bad, they do bad on that same token, when they feel good, they do good. So that's on you. I worked with troubled teens. My goal was always that they felt good about themselves around me. Doesn't mean they were always good, but I didn't wanna shame them when they were bad. I'd just say, oh, that was interesting. What are we gonna do about that one? So that's sort of how I approach it. There's no shaming. There's no blaming. There's no discussing bad behavior. It's just dealing with it and then moving on, making them feel good about themselves. Think about it. Are you ever, is there someone in your life who always makes you feel good? You know, who makes you feel good about yourself and about life in general? How do you treat that person? Think about it. What if that same person all of a sudden started scowling at you and looking mad at you and lecturing you? How would you treat them then? See the difference? No matter how a kid acts, I take the high road. I always treat them like they're good, but I still deal with bad behavior. I never treat them like they're a bad kid, but I never ignore bad behavior either. There's a difference between the two. I think that's it. I think it's a good place to end. I think so too. We'll be back again talking about another parenting topic. Soon enough, happy parenting. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents, just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.